The Perfect Holiday (2007) - full transcript

MRS. CHRISTMAS:
There it is.

Oh, the first snowflake of the season.

Come on,
little fella. Come on.

That's it.
That's it.

You can do it. You're almost here.
You're almost here.

Come on.

Mmm.

Technical definition
of a snowflake

is ice crystals surrounding a particle of dirt.

It's buttery, supple.

And with a clean finish.



Just like Christmas is
supposed to taste.

So, technically,
you are eating dirt.

Could I get one with
onions and mustard?

Sure.

(WIND HOWLS)

* It's the most wonderful time

* Of the year

I'm sorry. I'm...

Oh! I'm sorry. Excuse me.

* It's the most wonderful time

* Of the year

* There'll be
much mistletoeing

* And hearts will be glowing

* When loved ones are near



Hey!

* It's the most wonderful time

* Of the year

A wise man once said,
"The best Christmas present

"is a happy family all wrapped up with each other."

Or maybe it was
a wise woman.

Men don't usually
think that clear.

Like this guy.

He ain't had a clear thought since he left his wife and three kids.

He may think
he has it all,

but he'll learn different,
soon enough.

Now, let's move on
from naughty to nice.

MRS. CHRISTMAS: Meet Benjamin Armstrong.
He writes love songs.

But he has yet to find that one true love of his own.

Merry Christmas.

(SHIVERING)

Merry Christmas.

(SIGHS)

Did I say nice?
I meant real nice.

Want some?

Oh, a candy
cane for me?

What? Hey! Hey!

MRS. CHRISTMAS: Now,
over on the fancy side of town lives Nancy Taylor.

She's nice, too.

As far as money goes,
she don't have a worry in the world.

I tell you what she does fret about,
her three kids.

MRS. CHRISTMAS:
She's on the job 24/7.

Mom and dad, teacher,
chauffeur, cook, cop.

Give me that.
That was mine.

She's so busy being everything for everybody,

there's nobody
left for her.

Better watch out, girl.

Santa's coming to town.

TV ANNOUNCER: Next on VH1,
Behind The Music looks at J-Jizzy.

Mom, come quick.
Dad's on TV.

Yeah, come on.

I know, I know.
Your father's always on TV.

But you know what?

He's gonna be here,
live in the flesh,

at the front door
in the next five minutes,

and you guys aren't even close to being ready.

I am.
Me, too.

WOMAN ON TV:
...the scandalous parties... Kind of.

...is that what you want them to think?

J-JIZZY: No, actually,
that's not

what I want them to think, Ronique.
Mom. Come on.

You see,
that's only one side of me.

One side?
Try your only side.

(SHUSHING) My name may be on a lot of things,

but the music,
that's where my heart is at.

Heart?

In fact, I've dedicated an entire year...
What heart?

...to the development
of my new Christmas CD.

You know,
that's going to get me spiritually closer to my fans,

and, of course...

Which camera are
we working with here?

Family.

But if family's so important,
then why your recent custody problem?

Yeah.
How about that? Why?

(CLEARS THROAT) Ronique,
I've been advised not to

comment on matters currently under adjudication.

Yeah, especially one's
you're gonna lose.

Mom, you're fighting
with the TV again.

Yeah.
Yes, I am.

But we want to spend Christmas vacation with Dad.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Even if he's too busy to be there.
Shut up.

NANCY: Well, you can
see him tonight,

but he's gonna be here
in a hot second

and you guys are not even close to being ready.

Please, go get
your coats on.

And put
some pants on.

And put on
some pants.

No pants...

J-JIZZY: Ain't nothing more precious to me

than my three beautiful children.
That's right.

Come on, guys.

Come on, John-John.

You go ahead.
I'm gonna wait five more minutes.

Just five more.

Five minutes.

He's coming.
I know he is.

This is all a waste of time.
This is nonsense, man. Every day...

Hold on, hold on, man.
You're always thinking big, man.

You got to think big,
not eat big, bro.

Look, we're sitting out here in the cold,
waiting for this herb,

'cause you want
to give him a CD?

Come on, man,
we got a job.

Look... Let me tell you something.

Once Jizzy hears my stuff, man,
he's gonna vibe to it, just like you did.

I like your songs,
even the whack ones, but this is stupid.

Look, once he hears my music,
he's gonna put me down.

I put you down.
We all gonna come up, all right.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Yo, J! What up? Looking good,
J. What's good?

You just get off me.
Deal with you, Jizz.

I got a number one track.
I got some hot tracks right here for you, bro.

I got some hot tracks.
I got one right here, baby. Number one.

J-Jizzy,
what's up, man?

Ben Armstrong, man,
I been calling you.

Check it out, man.
I got some hot tracks right here, man.

A lot of heart in these tracks,
right up here.

I've been doing work...

You're not sexy, player.

I know that, but...
Sexy.

Rottweiler!

You ready to go to work now?
That's my man.

Get off me.
Get your Jizzy Gear off me.

JAMAL: Where's my shoe?
Where's my shoe?

Zip me up real quick.
Did you zip?

I'm not zipped.
My back is showing.

Are you ready?

Hey, kids,
are you ready for Santa?

ALL: Yeah!

All righty.
Santa, come out here.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know,
I really should be Santa.

Santa has to have a lap.
You're the elf.

Look over there.

Okay, so, Mr.
Famous didn't call again?

Unbelievable.

The man will spend $50,000 to fight me in court,

but can't spend three hours with his kids on his regular night.

Well, if I had to deal with that rotten rapper,
I'd be angry too.

They had three beautiful babies, Brenda.

It couldn't have
been all that bad.

No, it wasn't all bad.

Well, I wouldn't know.

Oh, we know
you wouldn't know.

At the rate you're going,
you'll never know.

(GASPS)

NANCY: Be back in 30 minutes.
I mean it.

Look, Mommy, Santa.

ROBIN: Come on, girl,
you can't find a couple of hours

to go to dinner
with a nice man?

Even a not-so-nice man.

Take it from us,
there's no shortage of those.

Please, it's not like I'm opposed to finding someone.

You know,
especially someone who's nice and likes kids

and isn't all about himself,
you know?

I mean, between
John-John's piano lessons

and Emily's ballet
and Mikey's football,

how am I supposed to even find the time to go out on a date?

No, seriously.
You know what I want more than anything?

What?
A compliment.

BRENDA: A compliment?
Seriously, just a compliment.

From who?
Obviously not us.

A man. Hello.
A nice normal man who doesn't have an agenda,

who's not trying to hook up or get busy with me.

You know,
imagine this, right?

I'm standing in
front of a store,

a guy walks by, he sees me,
he doubles back

and says, "Wow,
you look really amazing."

And then he leaves.
And that's it.

Okay, little girl,
you're next. Show time.

Go and see Santa.
Who are you?

I'm Santa's
number one elf.

More like numbers
one through 10.

Nice tights.
Tell your momma.

Tell your momma, too.

Here we go.

Ho, ho, ho, little girl.

And what would you
like for Christmas?

Besides everything.

I don't want
anything for me.

Just for my mommy.

Really? What's your name,
little girl?

I'm Emily,
and that's my mom.

Which one is it?
The one on the right?

Yeah.

Santa? Santa?

(LAUGHING)

Yes. Yes. Yes.

See, it's like this.
My mommy...

(ALL ARGUING)

(CHATTERING)

Here, fat boy.
I wrote it, you bring it.

Don't do that.
Don't do that. Don't do that.

(CHILDREN SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Fine. Okay, cool.
Next time you can be Santa.

No. No, no,
no, no, no.

Those kids are bad, man.
Little bunch of greedy little kids.

Oh, man,
you're telling me.

See that
one kid hit me?

He hit you with
the Holyfield.

And good.
Bad kid, man.

Except for this
one little girl.

Yeah,
what did she want?

All she wanted was for some dude to come up to her mother

and just give her
a compliment.

Yeah, it seems like her parents split up a few years back,

and I guess her mother's been real sad lately.

Was her momma fine?

Well, you know,
I'd have to say,

she is probably one of the most beautiful women I think I've ever seen.

Yeah.

JAMAL:
That should be easy.

Beautiful people get
compliments all the time.

I should know,
I ain't never got one.

Oh, come on, man.
You're gonna find that special somebody.

You think so?

Okay, maybe not, but...

(FUNK MUSIC BLARING)

(WHOOPING)

Hi, I was wondering if I could change Emily's ballet class

(MUSIC CONTINUES BLARING)
to the Monday class.

I know I already changed her from the Tuesday class to the Friday class.

I was just hoping...
JOHN-JOHN: Mom!

Oh! Yes.

I can't wear this.
It ain't got one wrinkle on it.

I'm sorry, baby,
can you please turn that music down, John-John?

Mom! Homework.

You need help with your math, baby?

(PHONE RINGING) I think the food is ringing.

Hey, didn't I tell you
to stay out of my room?

I was just playing.

Yeah,
with my special toy.

Yeah, they're all special,
aren't they?

Who wants a story?

I do!

I do.
I don't.

I don't. I still do.
A Christmas story.

Okay, Christmas story
coming right up.

And, Mikey,
you just sort of listen,

and, John-John,
just cover your ears.

Man, Mom looks old.

Old people are
supposed to look old.

Not nasty old.

But how's she gonna get Dad back looking like that?

I don't think she
wants Daddy back.

Sure, she does.

She just doesn't
know it yet.

EMILY: You're crazy.

Momma's beautiful,
and a nice man's gonna tell her.

What man?

The one Santa's
getting her.

Here it comes with
the Santa stuff again.

NANCY: Come on, guys.
Who wants a story?

Okay.

The 12 Days of Christmas.

* It happened one Christmas

* In the stillness
of the night

* When you put
your arms around me

* And for the first time
in my life

* I found the meaning
of it all

* Between the tinsel
and the bow

* And the angel on
the tree smiled down

* To show us heaven knows

(ALARM BLARING)

* It's a perfect Christmas

* And I don't need no gear

* All I need is six reindeer

* A sled on 22's

* And TV's in the back

* It's a perfect Christmas
last year

* It's a perfect Christmas

* And I don't need no gear

* All I need is six reindeer

* A sled on 22's
and TV's in the back

So what y'all think?

Sounds like a spiritual.

It's like an
old spiritual, boss.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure all
the saints was thinking,

"Holy, holy, holy,"
with the nasty booty shaking scene.

That's so spiritual.
Yeah.

Rottweiler!
Not sexy.

* And jingle all the way

WOMAN: Grande cappuccino for Eric.

(GROANS)

Well, what's this
one about, light skin?

Let me guess.

"The love I lost in the rain in the summertime."

How about,
"Jamal gets his butt kicked

"for not letting
me concentrate?"

See, that's your problem.

You're not writing songs the consumers want to hear.

We want to hear songs like...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
* The girl with the big lips

* That lived down the street

* With the pretty face

That's what people
want to hear.

Which muffin's mine, man?

None of them.
You didn't pay for no muffins.

(SNEEZES)

Oh, my bad.

Wait. You're gonna
take my muffin?

You sneezed
on this one, too.

You know what would be good with that song?

If you put a...
What you looking at, man?

I think that's her.

Her who?

The little girl's
mother from yesterday.

That's her.
Oh, yeah.

It's the one who
wants a compliment.

Give me your jacket.
Give me your jacket.

Give me your shoe.
Give me your jacket.

What you got
in this jacket?

My businesses.

Man!

NANCY: There's a stubborn grease stain.

Do you think you
can get that out?

Excuse me.
Can you put this with the rest of my stuff?

You are a very
attractive woman.

He said attractive?

He said
I was attractive.

That's what he said, right?

MAN: Okay.

ROBIN: Get out of here.
What?

Yeah. A man hits on you and then leaves.
I don't buy it.

Well, it wasn't like he was trying to sell anything.

He just came in, said what he said,
and then he left.

What'd he look like?

Good.

So let's go and find him.
No.

Find him? We don't even know him.
How are we going to find him?

Well, how are we gonna know unless we find him?

Yeah, okay,
and then we find him, then what?

What do you mean you don't know his name?

I tell you,
he no customer here.

What about the coat
he dropped off?

Smelly, disgusting thing?

Okay, maybe we should be looking in a bakery.

You guys,
we should just go.

(RAP MUSIC BLARING)

What's wrong, man?

Nothing.
No problem.

Come on, man.
I know you, man. What's wrong?

Nothing. I told you, boss,
the album's good. It's good.

Good?

Well, you know when I say good,
I mean good in a great way.

It's got the necessary
"G's." It's got girls,

it's got gangsters,
it's got Gucci.

Yeah, but what
don't it got?

J, it just don't
have no heart.

No heart?
Come on, man!

I know every song
on the record, okay?

Black Christmas.
Three Thugs.

I Got Doodoo On My Shoe.
Come on.

Yeah, yeah, fabulous.
Each and every one.

But?

But we still
one song short, J.

We want Christmas
in the air,

fabulous brotherly love,
the jingle...

The spirit song.

We that song short.

Remember this? Can't stop,
won't stop. Huh?

Can't stop,
won't stop! Yes.

Okay? Can't stop...

A Christmas song short.
I can do that.

That was a really
good dinner, Momma.

Yeah, what's up with that?

Well, if you guys like
what I did for dinner,

just wait till you see
what I made for dessert.

Made?

Dessert.

What's her problem?

She looks happy.

She is happy,
and I know why.

Yeah? Why?

'Cause I asked Santa to give her her wish,
and he did.

How many times do
I have to tell you?

Santa does not
give wishes.

That's genies, stupid.

He does give wishes,
and you're stupid.

Hey, hey, hey,
you three.

I don't want to
hear any of that.

But, Momma,
he started it.

I will not cut into this cake until I feel some love in this room.

There we go.

J-JIZZY:
Hey, all my peeps.

And there it went.
CHILDREN: Daddy!

Look at all
my shorties!

(PHONE RINGING) You're supposed to call first, James.

That's me calling,
right now.

Hello? Yeah, Kim,
he's right here.

Thanks so much
for the heads up.

Hey, well, you know,
I was in the vicinity,

and I knew you wouldn't mind me dropping this off personally.

Oh, you know,
I'd like it a lot better in the mail.

You can just
set it on the table.

Hey, I ain't missed nobody's birthday or nothing,
did I?

Nope.
Mom just made it because she's a really great mom

and she makes things.

You want to stay
for dessert?

No, I can't do that.
No dessert for me.

Actually, my dessert's
out in the car.

Well, thanks for
the check, James.

Daddy, wait.
Guess what happened today.

A man saw Mommy and said she looked nice.

Is that so?
Your mommy does look nice.

Yep.

Yeah.
And at these prices,

your mommy could be looking a whole lot better.

I mean, your mommy
got a lot of paper.

Your mommy got
so much paper,

when she walk down the street,
trees get scared.

We checked
all of them.

Body shop, butcher shop,
camera shop.

Pet shop, grocery store,
Korean grocery store.

Got it, got it.

That's a pretty dress,
Mommy.

Oh, that's no dress, sugar.
That's paint.

Don't corrupt that child.

Oh, hush.

BRENDA: Anyway,
since it doesn't seem like he works anywhere,

we think maybe he was in
the Starbucks next door.

How was he acting?
Caffeinated?

I don't know.
Maybe.

That's it then.
I'll take the first shift.

You're kidding.
We're gonna stake out a Starbucks?

Well, they have better coffee than the body shop.

You want to find him,
don't you?

Well, yeah, but...

All you've been
thinking about?

Yes.

I know.
Yes, I want to see him.

I would love
to see him.

Mommy, I got to go.

Emily, you just went.

No, not to the bathroom.
There.

So, the mom wants
to take you out?

Yeah.

Isn't that what you want?
She's beautiful.

Yeah, she's beautiful.

So what's wrong?

This.
This is what's wrong.

See, I don't know that
she wants to meet me.

So, if I did meet her,
me, as Benjamin,

if I met her,
that would be a lie.

But Santa...
Santa?

Santa knows that
she wants to meet me.

Like Santa knows,
he's watching, knows?

No, no. Santa...
Santa knows...

Oh! Right.
...that she wants to meet me.

If I did that,
then I would be exploiting the confidential information

for personal gain,
and that's not cool.

What?

It's the betrayal of
the Santa trust, man.

Come on, man!

Look, that would be true if you were a doctor or something.

But you work in a mall,
dawg, part time.

How about this?
I meet her out once. Right?

Maybe at a coffee shop
or somewhere, right?

And I'll step to her and I'll make something up.

Make something like, "Yeah, baby,
I'm from out of town,

"and I sell office supplies."
Something like that.

Right? 'Cause it's boring.
See, office supplies, that's boring,

and chicks don't dig
that boring stuff, right?

You hear me
on that, right?

Yeah, the office.
Salt, can I get some salt?

You see,
that way it's twofold,

because, as Santa,
I fulfill my obligation.

But technically,
I don't betray the child's trust.

And that's
what's important.

Obligation and
trust go together.

Let me ask you a question.
Got it.

Say a little snot-nose kid like the one,
you know?

What if he came to you,
"You know, Santa, I stole a Escalade.

"I need you to get me some rims,
some spinning rims."

Does that betray the whole Santa trust thing?

Okay, but why would
a child come up to me

and say he stole an Escalade?
I don't...

Because you work in a mall, dawg,
part time!

That's why
you ain't Santa.

You know what?
Look, I'm leaving.

We've been sitting here like ninnies for, what,
an hour?

And for what?
I may be a housewife,

but I'm not that desperate.
I'm leaving.

Okay, okay, okay.

Your next one is
definitely decaf.

It's crazy that we're sitting here like Starbucks stalkers.

They're gonna name a drink after us,
the Crazy Lady Lattes.

Wait a minute.

Why did we come here?

I'm gonna pick up
my jacket.

And they better
not have cleaned it.

Hurry up, man.
Yeah.

Hey, look.
12 o'clock.

That's not him.

Yeah, but he's big.

You know,
like the jacket big?

He's got a friend. Guys.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
it's him.

Oh, God,
he's gorgeous.

Do you think he's coming in here?
He ain't moving.

Oh, God,
please don't come in here.

Okay, how about
I go next door

and bump into
his friend, yeah?

No, no, I'll go.
It'll be less obvious.

No, no, neither.
Less obvious?

Titanic meet iceberg.

Oh, you want
to throw it out?

What does that mean?
Oh, whatever.

Got to go find your man.
No. No.

What did you do with the stuff that was in the pockets?

I use it to
scare away rats.

You're the guy with the guy?
What?

The good-looking guy in the car.
What's his name?

What's he do?
What's he make?

My friend wants
to meet him.

By the way,
I'm Brenda.

I'm Jamal.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.
Oh, the guy.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR RADIO)

ROBIN: Girl.

I know.

Oh. Oh, get ready, girl.
Here he comes. Here he comes.

No, no.

There. That guy,
right there.

My man?

Hey, hey! You, chocolate love!
Come back.

Hey.
Hi. Again.

Yeah.

From the cleaners, right?

Yeah, right, right,
from the cleaners.

So, you're buying sweets?

Sweets?
Oh, yeah!

Yeah, I'm getting
some sweets.

Sweets for
your sweetheart?

No.
No, I don't have a sweetheart.

You?

No, no, no.
Totally free. Single.

Right.
Yeah.

Cool, cool, yeah. So...

So...

So, you know,
I'm from out of town.

I was just walking by.

I had a little craving for some petit fruit jelly beans,
you know,

so I just came
on in, you know.

I sell office supplies,
and it gets kind of boring, you know.

What about you?

I'm from town.

Single mother
with three kids.

And I just bought a stapler.
That's good. That's good.

Well, so if you
ever need anything...

I'm sure I'll need
whatever you have.

By way of
office supplies.

I guess, you know,
paper clips, pens...

Pens. So many pens.

You know, 'cause I'll be,
"Oh my God, I need a pen."

You need some pens?

I need a pen,
and I don't have a pen.

But you have pens.

Then I'm your guy.

Benjamin Armstrong.

Nancy.
Will you go out with me?

I'd love to.
Great.

I'm not
cleaning that up.

* Workin' elves never stoppin * Never stoppin'

* While the man is hoppin'
* The man is hoppin'

* In his nice red zoot suit * Nice red zoot suit

* And his Christmas boots
* Christmas boots

* Double checking all things
* Checking all things

* Hey, cats,
don't you know Santa swings?

(WHOOPING) * Santa swings,
he's flyin' high *

(ALL CHEERING)

You look fabulous.

Okay. Work it,
work it.

Pop them collars.

Yeah.
Oh, and your purse, darling.

NANCY: Thank you.
CHILDREN: Bye, Mom.

BRENDA: Remember
to have fun.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

* This will be

* A Christmas to remember

* When we're old and grey

Wow!

* Every year,
we'll celebrate our love

* And look back on this day

* We'll build a glass

* With memories

* Toast to all our dreams
come true

* Yeah

* This will be
a Christmas to remember *

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, there.
That's real nice,

but you know
what's missing there?

What's that? The mohair swatch.
Where's the mohair?

I told you, mohair.

Mohair, done.

J-Jizz. J-Jizzy?
Hello? Hello?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Hey, boss,
what about your Christmas album?

Come on, man, you sweating me again?
Christmas album.

Look, we gonna use
the song right there.

What? I Love Ho-Ho-Hoes?
Or the one...

No, no, no.
The one right there. Yeah.

That's the one we're using.
Yeah, that one.

Let me see if I got this right.
We're using

I Saw Mommy
Capping Santa Claus?

That's...

Yeah, what's wrong
with that, huh?

Hey, you know what, Delicious?

I've been watching
you lately, man.

You've been stressing a lot about this Christmas album.

I'm gonna tell
you something, man.

You gonna mess around
and give yourself an ulcer.

You want to spend the rest of your days drinking buttermilk?

It could be gas.

No more drinks.
None of that.

Just buttermilk,
buttermilk, buttermilk.

Me?
I got to worry about my spring line right here

that's missing the mohair swatch like I asked for.

Mohair.

Just keep on
stressing yourself out.

Don't stress.

Yeah.

(SCREAMS)

That was not sexy.
That was karate.

NANCY: John-John,
hurry up and get dressed.

I am dressed.

Your pants are
on the bed.

Put them on
or you don't eat.

Fine. I don't want
to eat with that guy.

(DOORBELL RINGS) I don't want to meet him.

I don't want to be
on the same planet.

I hear Pluto's nice.

Shut up.

How do I look?

Bootylicious.

Yeah?
Yeah, Momma.

Okay.

Beautiful flowers
for a beautiful woman.

Thank you.

This is for you.

I'm Mikey.

It's a pleasure
to meet you, Mikey.

And this little princess
must be Emily.

I'm not a real princess.
Just for pretend.

Pretend?
Well, you could have fooled me.

And this must be
the man of the house.

So you're him, huh?

Mom, is this the best
you could do?

Actually, it's not
the best she could do.

I'm sure she can
do a lot better.

But me,
I'm on cloud nine.

Why don't I show you around the rest of the house?

(SCREAMING)

* Yeah, yeah, yeah

* My gift to you

* For this Christmas

* My gift to you

* Is simply love

* My gift to you

* For this Christmas

* My gift to you

* Is simply love

* My gift to you

* For this Christmas

* My gift to you

* Is simply love

* My gift to you

* For this Christmas

You guys tired?

Yes.

JOHN-JOHN: No.
I mean, no.

Did you guys
have fun today?

Yeah.

No.

Well, Benjamin
liked you guys a lot.

Does Dad know
about him?

No. He doesn't.
Why not?

Because your dad and I lead different lives,
and we can do what we want.

So why are you
afraid to tell him?

I'm not afraid.
I just...

Well, I wanted to make sure this was getting serious

before I said anything.

Is it?

Yeah, I think
maybe it is.

You want to
talk about this?

Okay, well,
let me know if you change your mind, okay?

You got us
into this mess.

You're gonna get us out.
Uh-uh.

An eyeglass holder and a telescope and a laptop.

A VideoNow...

You go tell that big red rat what I told you.

Santa's not a rat.

Yeah, whatever.

Thanks. Bye.

Where are you going?
Hey! Hey.

Don't you want, like,
a baseball glove? Or a friend?

You want a friend, right?
BOY: I don't play sports,

and you're kind of starting to creep me out.

And what's your
name little girl?

You know me.
I'm Emily.

Oh, Emily.

Emily, the little girl
who wants a bike, right?

No, the girl who asked you to send a nice man to her mommy.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes,
I remember.

And how is that
working out?

Does Mommy want
another color?

No, she likes
him fine.

It's my brother.
He hates him.

Yeah? Which one?

John-John.

And how did you know
I have two brothers?

Well, Santa knows all the brothers, sweetheart.

He knows all
the brothers.

John-John says you
got to get rid of him.

'Cause if you don't,
he's gonna give him the treatment.

And what might
that be?

See, tomorrow we're going bowling.

And John-John says,
if Benjamin shows his face, he's gonna...

* Dashing through the snow

* On a one-horse open sleigh

* Over the fields we go

* Laughing all the way

* Bells on bob-tail ring

* Making spirits bright

Sweetie, it's okay.
It's okay.

You know,
we're this close to a strike, okay?

You'll get it next time.
All right?

There we go.

John-John, you're up.

That's right.
Come on, John-John.

So, everything's
all good, right?

Nancy, she's great.

Everything
I ever wanted.

Well, don't sound
so excited, light skin,

but they're
looking at us.

BOTH: Hey!

Hey!

Yeah.
Yeah.

It's crazy, though.

I've always dated these creative types my whole life.

For better or worse.
I'm not doing the Santa thing

and spying on her kids.

I'm lying to her face

about being some regular dude selling office supplies.

And out of the blue, here comes this sweet,
straight-arrow of a guy

and I can't stop
thinking about him.

I could really
fall for him.

I done told
Brenda so many lies,

I'm starting
to believe them.

Hold on,
hold on, hold on.

Just 'cause I got to lie,
that don't mean you got to lie.

Well, what do you think?
That you're executive

and you can hang
out with an elf?

Right. Right.

Okay, so what
exactly is your job?

A bounty hunter?
Really?

He just doesn't
seem the type.

BRENDA:
That's what I said.

But then he scooped me up
in his big gummi-bear arms,

and he said,
"But I found you, didn't I?"

And I just...
I just melted.

Oh, my goodness.
That is so sweet.

And I see he inspired
the new hairdo.

Let's not tell him
it's not all real.

I could
just kill him.

Kill him,
kill him, kill him.

I think Benjamin's nice.

Well, I think he stinks.

Same as your
buddy Santa Claus.

Hey, you take that back.

Why? He dumps that punk on us,
then won't get rid of him.

That's it. The treatment,
it starts right here, right now.

* The snow is coming

* Down outside

* Grab your sleigh

* Let's take a ride

* I'll take you anywhere
you wanna go

* We'll build a fire
when we get home

* Santa's coming,
raise your glass

* Let's trim the tree
and have a blast

* It's Christmas, let's party

* Get crazy, let's go all out

* It's Christmas,
yeah, finally

* We've waited
all year for this

* It's Christmas, let's party

* The season to live it up

* It's Christmas, let's party

* It's Christmas, let's party

* Suddenly, all strangers
look like friends

* Time to forgive

* And let's all make amends

* Disconnect the e-mail,
faxes, yeah

* Forget about your taxes

* Let's begin

* It's that time
to just have fun

* One more drink

* Well, who's counting?

* It's Christmas, let's party

* Get crazy,
let's go all out

* It's Christmas,
yeah, finally

* We've waited
all year for this

* It's Christmas, let's party

* The season to live it up

You know,
I just don't get it.

Do you get it?
'Cause I don't.

Maybe he's just
better than you.

Nobody is that good.

He knows everything.

Benjamin ain't
better than me.

You ain't giving him no inside information,
are you?

What's inside information?

It's important stuff that's just between us,
me and you.

I don't tell
anybody anything.

Except...

Except who?

Santa. He gives me
anything I want.

Santa?

Santa's real, John-John.
No, he's not.

Yes, he is.
Yes, he is.

No, he ain't!

Go to the mall for
yourself and see.

He's there.

Step up, step up.
Come on, come on.

Man, you're one big elf.

Come on. Here we go.
Here we go. All right.

So what's your name,
little...

I mean, young man.

Save it, okay?

I need you to get rid of somebody for me.

Santa doesn't like
the sound of that.

I know you sent that Benjamin guy 'cause of my sister.

But now he
just won't leave.

And my mom's just too nice to tell him to buzz off.

Well, what would
you like Santa to do?

You must have another hard up mother somewhere.

Give her Benjamin.

Well, Santa doesn't normally do returns, son.

But give him time
to think about it.

Well, think fast, 'cause I really,
really want this guy gone.

I'll think about it,
young man.

Thanks.

I'm all right.
I'm all right.

* I've been really tryin',
baby

* Tryin' to hold back
this feelin'

* For so long

* And if you feel

* Like I feel, baby

(DOORBELL RINGS)
* Then come on

* Oh, come on

* Let's get it on

Good evening, sir.

* Let's get it on

* Let's love, baby

Notice anything different?

No.

Are you sure?

You hear that?
It's nothing.

Silence.
The kids are at Robin's.

Oh!

Okay. Yeah.

No. I mean,
you know, it's just...

What's wrong?

I don't know,
it's just us.

You are amazing.

John-John, he hates me.

He does not hate you.

Trust me.
He hates me.

He is a kid.
He also hates homework

and broccoli and
a lot of other things.

Exactly, and I'm the big green leafy vegetable of boyfriends.

Did he say
something to you?

No, not to me directly.

You should talk to him.

Just tell him that you want to be a part of his life.

All our lives.

Okay, deuce to
seven lowball.

Aces and straights
count as high.

How can you all sit here and play this stupid game

like nothing's
happening?

'Cause some of us
needs the money.

(EXCLAIMS)
Yeah, right.

Don't you get it?
They're alone right now.

So?
So?

Stuff might happen.

Then we'll never
get rid of that punk.

What sort of stuff?
Like kissing?

Don't even say that.

Sweetie,
he's a good man.

Your momma could
do a lot worse.

I don't care how nice he is.
He ain't my dad.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

EMILY: I'll take two.
No, no, three. No, no, no, two.

Benjamin?
Benjamin?

Just the man
I wanted to see.

(MAN SINGING) * Deck the halls with boughs of holly

* Fa la la la la,
la la la la

* 'Tis the season
to be jolly

* Fa la la la la,
la la la la *

My mom put you
up to this, right?

I mean,
you two are hooking up no matter what I think,

so buy the kid
a pretzel.

Maybe that'll
shut him up.

Okay, first of all,
your mother didn't put me up to this.

All right?
And nothing's been decided.

Yeah, right.

Did you want salt or
do you want the plain?

Man.

It's a joke.
It's a joke.

What is that
horrible sound?

I can play
better than him.

You're talking about him
on the keyboard over there?

Yeah.
You can play the keyboard?

Yes.

Hold on one second.

Wait, where
are you going?

* We wish you
a Merry Christmas

* We wish you

(CHATTERING)
* And a Happy New Year

John-John.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, sit down.
Show me what you got.

All right, I will.

Okay, just concentrate.
You got it.

There you go, all right.

There you go,
there you go. All right.

That's it. See?

Yeah.

See? See?

That's the focus
right there.

That's what
I'm talking about.

Now, I want you
to just give me two.

Just like ding, ding.
Here we go.

There you go.
That's it. That's it.

(CROWD CHEERING) That's it.
There you go.

See? They love it.
They love it.

This is the keyboard,
give me five. Like this.

Then you go keyboard.
Tickle the keys. Tickle the keys.

There you go.
Like that.

That's the keyboard five.

Give me the keyboard five.

No.
No, I'm ready to go home.

No, come on,
let's do it one more time.

Just one more time.

John-John, come on.
We're just gonna do it one more time, then we'll go.

John-John.

J-JIZZY: You know,
we're gonna go ahead and lock this up now.

Jizzy, the album
is not ready yet.

Not ready?

No.

Have you seen the cover art on this?

That cover art
is cold, man.

This CD would sell with no music on the album.

You know why?

Because my picture
is on the cover.

(SNEEZES)

Well, let's lock it up.
Excuse me.

I'm allergic to stuff that don't make sense, Jizzy.

The album is not ready.

Oh, yeah. Come on,
you're killing me here.

We need a song, Jizzy.
A song.

Okay, I know it could sell blank,

but people don't sell
blank CDs, okay?

I tell you what.

Whatever is on this disk
goes on the album.

All right. Whatever you say, boss.
It's not a big deal.

It's just our careers and reputations on the line.

Whatever's on this,
that's...

It's just your album, man.
There you go.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(HUMMING)

* I can't even light
the Christmas tree

* 'Cause there is
no light in me

* It's the darkest day
in history

That's what your
new album sounds like.

It just needs
a harp or something.

* No silent night
or jingle bell

* Mistletoe hangs anywhere

Can't stop.

Won't stop.
Yeah. Yes.

Hey.
So, are they asleep?

Out like a light,
every last one of them.

So, how did it go
with John-John?

Yeah, yeah.
It went cool. It was cool.

Yeah? Really?
Yeah, it was real cool for about 30 seconds.

EMILY:
Momma, I need water.

Coming, baby.

Don't go anywhere.

Don't you worry
about it.

I will not go anywhere.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello. J-JIZZY: Hello,
Benjamin Armstrong?

Yeah, who's this?

I been listening
to your CD.

I'm kind of feeling it,
you know.

I was wondering if me and you could do some business.

Okay.

You know who
this is, right?

Yeah, I think this is the call

I've been waiting
for my entire life.

That's right.
The call you've been waiting for all your life.

Yes. Halle Berry.

The call from the number one
record producer in the world.

None other than J-Jizzy.

Can't stop, won't stop.
That's right.

Now, what I want
you to do is tomorrow,

2:30 sharp,
me and you, breakfast.

Cool. Cool.
I'm there at 2:30. Yes!

(WHOOPING)

Yes! I got the...

Hey! Baby, baby.
What happened?

I just...
Oh, my God.

I just sold my...

My catalog.

I just sold my whole catalog of pens.

Wow.

That's great.

The garlic from dinner.
I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna go
brush my teeth.

(PHONE RINGS)

Tell Robin I'll call
her in the morning.

All right, cool.

Robin, what's up?
She says she'll call you tomorrow.

Who's this?

Who's this?

Didn't I just finish talking to you on the phone?

NANCY: Hey, who was
on the phone?

He said J-Jizzy.

Did you enter some type of contest or something?

More like I lost one.

It's my ex-husband.

Your... Your...

Ex-husband. Yes.

(MUSIC BLARING)

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm sorry. Yes, J.

May I ask who was that that just answered the phone?

Nobody. What is it?

What is it? Well, our son, John-John,
just called me up.

He sounded very
weird on the phone.

Well, if you talked to your son every once in a while,

he wouldn't sound
so strange.

Goodbye, J.

Sorry.

Have a dude
answer the phone.

Try to get me jealous.

That's my ex-husband.

J-Jizzy is
your ex-husband.

Yeah.

So that means he's
the pops, he's...

He's John-John's pops.

Yeah.

And Emily and Mikey, too.
So what?

All three, the whole... Yeah,
it doesn't matter.

It has nothing
to do with us.

Right. No, baby,
I know. It sure doesn't.

I know. I know. It doesn't.
It doesn't. It doesn't.

Wait.

I can't believe I just said that and actually meant it.

You know, I've been lying to myself,
you know, for years, saying,

he doesn't have
this hold on me.

Just lying, lying, lying,
you know?

He was preventing me from actually having a life.

And then you.
Me.

You. You.
You set me free.

No problem.
You're welcome.

Wait.
Huh?

What?
What, are you leaving?

I'm sorry. I thought
you were finished.

You weren't finished?

I was finished, but I...

The kids are asleep,
and I was thinking that...

Yeah.
You know what?

I'm sorry, but I'm going to call you.
I'm going to call you.

By the way, the whole speech,
it really hit right here.

The game is free,
the free thing, it's...

Well, I...

Benjamin.
I was... Hello. Wow.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(KNOCKING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Yo, man,
you are not gonna believe what happened.

I'm over at Nancy's
house, right?

My cell phone rings out the blue.
Guess who it is?

J-Jizzy!
He wants to buy my song.

That's good.
Yeah, that's good, that's good.

No! It's not.

It's good until
Nancy's phone rings.

And guess who it is?
J-Jizzy again, man.

It turns out that J-Jizzy is Nancy's ex-husband.

She's his ex-wife!

Yeah, I knew that.

You knew?

Man, how come
you didn't tell me?

How could you leave me...

What is all this?

Work.

You're an elf.

I'm not an elf.
Elfstein, 2223.

Bounty, yeah,
we'll catch him.

I'm a bounty hunter
just like you're an office...

Whatever, man.
I'm telling...

I just don't know what I'm gonna do, Jamal.

What am I gonna do?

You know,
all my life I've been looking for two things, all right?

There's true love,
and my big break.

Now if I choose one,
then I lose the other.

Why?
What do you mean why, man?

What am I gonna
say to Nancy?

Okay, yeah,
by the way, Nancy.

Yeah, baby, yeah.

I don't sell pens, baby.

No, no,
I don't sell pens.

I'm just this shysty
song-writing Santa,

who, now I have to dump you and kiss up to your ex-husband.

And then,
what about J-Jizzy?

This is what J-Jizzy is gonna say.
He gonna be like,

"Yeah, Mr. Songwriter.
Yeah, let me tell you something.

"I will buy your song,
but by the way,

"have fun taking
care of my kids."

(SIGHING) That's ugly.

BRENDA: Jamal.
Baby, who's there?

JAMAL: Nobody, baby.

This lieutenant lost
his mind and came by.

Go to sleep.

Look, Three-Card Monte.

Yeah, we should run down to Hell's Kitchen.
We used to give it to them.

Same game.
You just can't get caught

in the same room at the same time with either one of them.

You're right. It is the same.
I just move here.

They're over there,
I move here. Cool. Cool.

And one other question.
Hey, but wait.

* Because a true Christmas
is just a wish without you *

(SINGING CONTINUES)

DELICIOUS: I mean,
he's a decent-looking man.

J-JIZZY: No, Delicious,
you're talking about sass.

There's sass
behind this man.

Look at him, man.
He's coffee-bean black.

Women love a coffee-bean black balladeer.

That white turtleneck
don't hurt neither.

And the caramel hat...

Makes me hungry.

Yeah, it makes you
want to have

a Reese's Cup
or something.

You know what I mean?

Women like
Reese's Cups.

Yeah. He looks
like cookies and milk.

That's what we should call him,
Cookies and Milk.

Cookies and Milk.
That's... You know what?

That's better than
Peaches and Herb.

Cookies and Milk.

Cookies and Milk. There's two of them,
but it's just him with the...

Yeah.
...milk shirt.

We'll release the CD.
It'll have one free chocolate chip cookie

with each CD.

Call it Munchies.

Munchies, yeah.
That's the name of his album.

I like it, man.
I'm liking that.

So, how was that?

I mean, I could step
it up a little bit,

you know,
if you want it a little bit more up-tempo.

Or I could dial it back,
if you want to vibe with it a little bit.

You know, just vibe.

You need to head on down to our business affairs office

and talk to my man
Sydney Kimmelfarb.

He gonna hook you up with our standard contract.

Well, cool, cool.

That's what's up.
That's what's up. All right.

I'll come by and see
you all on my way out.

Out? Ain't no out.

We laying this
right now, player.

You contractually obligated to lay this track right now.

Okay, all right.

But I haven't signed
a contract yet.

Well, you'd best
take care of that then.

Kimmelfarb.

He's white.

He's white.

Right, right.
Kimmelfarb. Got it.

Cool, all right.

Look, baby, I can't
make you any promises.

We don't even know
if he's in there.

I don't care.
I just want to see him.

You can drop me off.
I'll wait.

I'm not gonna drop
you off, John-John.

Baby. Don't get
out of this car. Boy!

(RINGING)

(GROANING)

Cramp.

Ben, where you at?

Listen, I can't
make it, okay?

I'm stuck at
J-Jizzy's studio.

You're gonna have
to fill in for me.

Huh?

That's right.
It's time.

It's time for you
to step up.

Be the man. Be the big red one.
Be the suit, baby.

How're you guys doing?

Just trying to keep up with this one.

Yeah, you've
gotten so big.

Santa.

Hey, did you
find Sydney?

He wasn't where he
was supposed to be.

Well, okay, well,
let's get it started.

We can get it
all legal later.

Hey, is that Nancy?
You know...

I guess diarrhea can
hit you at any time.

Dad!

Hey, what's up, shorty?
My man.

JOHN-JOHN:
I miss you, Dad.

I miss you, too, man.
I miss you a lot.

But unfortunately, you know,
Daddy's making a song today. I'm...

I'm busy.

John-John, why don't you go to the kitchen and get yourself a soda?

Okay. I'll let you
guys fight now.

(GRUNTING)

Sorry about that.
Hey, hey, no problem.

If you gotta go,
you gotta go.

Yeah.

You wash your hands?
Just playing.

Stay away
from the fruit.

Anyway, we'll
get down there.

They're getting started.

How many songs you
got in you, Benjamin?

What's your dreams?
Your hopes? Tell me everything.

I got some songs in there.
Yeah?

I got...

Anything good?
I like your songs, man.

(SHOUTS)

Sorry about that.
I got it.

Not the fruit.

I spent all day...

Okay. Don't even
worry about that.

I'm gonna make him a smoothie or something.
There's got to be...

Just grab the pieces that fell on another piece.

That's fine, right there.
Yeah, that's good.

(LAUGHING)

That's right,
little Cindy.

What do you mean
you didn't get your bike?

NANCY: This isn't
about you or me.

This is about
John-John.

J-JIZZY: I told you I was going to make time for him.

Right there.
J-JIZZY: Not right now.

NANCY: It's always
not right now.

Over there.

NANCY: You wanna know why he had to see you today?

Why he was holding
onto you so tight?

I met a man, James.
Yeah, a man.

A nice, normal man.

A man that John-John actually made a connection with,

and it scared the
daylights out of him.

J-JIZZY: I don't got time
for this right now.

I'm working on an album.
Right, Delicious?

He does not
have time.

He is working on
an album. Trying...

Stay out of this,
Delicious.

Mind your business.

I'm working on an album.
Okay?

I gotta turn it in.

The deadline is
Christmas Eve.

Everybody's gonna
be there.

BET, Entertainment Tonight.

This is why you want the kids for the holidays.

You don't even
care about Christmas.

You need them for the cameras so Daddy can sell a few more CDs.

You are whacked.

And you're pathetic.

I just pray that the judge sees through you faster than I did.

Judge gonna also see that you done gained weight.

Where's Mr. Songwriter at?

Come on,
let's do this.

And a bike, too.

And a puppy, too.

Okay, a puppy.
You're gonna get it.

Come on.

Come on, it's okay.
I'm Santa. It's okay.

Go, go.

GIRL: No, I don't want to.
I don't want to.

I got you.
I got you!

I got you!

(SCREAMING)

(PIANO PLAYING)

* I can't even light
the Christmas tree

* 'Cause there's
no light in me

* It's the darkest day
in history

* Since you went away

* I'm not singing
the sweet Noel

* No silent nights
or jingle bell

* No mistletoe hangs
anywhere this Christmas

* Babe

* Christmas

* Because a true Christmas

* Is just a wish without you

* It's just another day
that fades away

* When you're not around

* If it wasn't for
our Savior's birth

* Tell me what
is Christmas truly worth

* Especially since
you're not with me now *

Yo, an album deal, man.

Yeah, with J-Jizzy,
I swear to God.

Look, man, that's great news.
There you go.

You know what this means,
right, Jamal?

Benjamin Armstrong is
a real songwriter.

Well, check this out.

I'm a real bounty hunter.
That's right.

Man, not so tight.

Hey, y'all be careful
with him, man.

He's worth 500 bucks.

I gotta go dookie.

You ain't gotta
go to no bathroom.

I want to go dookie.

All right,
it's time for stockings.

Now, be careful
with the glitter, okay?

Okay, Mommy.

All right.

Fun, fun, fun.
Thank you.

Okay, why the long face?

Benjamin and I were supposed to go look for a tree today.

I don't know what happened.

I guess he just forgot.

Honey, there could be 100 reasons why he ran out like that.

Maybe he's never
coming back.

Now, honey,
men are like trees.

Rough, sturdy,
but dull,

until a woman gets
her hands on him,

gives him
a little personality.

Then once you've
done all that...

They leave you
for a shrub.

No, they dry up,
their limbs shrivel,

and they become
a fire hazard.

(DOORBELL RINGING)
No and no.

Saved by the bell.

Now, if you don't
like this,

there's another one hanging from my rear view mirror.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

They're kissing.

Kids, Brenda, let's go
and have some cocoa. Yeah?

What about the tree?

Momma's chopping
it down,

right now, baby.
Yeah.

Let's just...
Come on. Come on.

Wait. Wait.

Look, about
the other night...

You don't have
to say a word.

Actually, yes, I do.

Then just let me go first.

We have a beach house
in Santa Barbara,

and we go there
every Christmas,

you know,
me and the kids. Just us.

You know, our family.

And I'd love it if you would come with us this year.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Man, I gotta do it now.
I gotta do it now.

Okay, the pens, Santa.
No. What do I do?

Pens, songwriter, Santa.

NANCY: Okay.

No, Santa,
pens, songwriter.

Santa, pens, songwriter.
Santa, pens...

What's wrong?

That was my attorney.

He ruled in Jizzy's favor.

He gets the kids
for Christmas.

So you didn't
say nothing to her?

No, man, how could I?

She just lost her kids
for Christmas.

I just couldn't
put that on her.

And Jizzy, to her,
sucks as a father.

Yeah, but he's
still their father.

What?

I said he's
still their father.

This guy butters your bread just a little bit and now you rolling with it?

No. No.
It sounds like you're rolling with it.

Look, if the judge agrees with him,
how come I can't?

You don't understand, man.
You just don't understand.

Okay, choose.

Which one do you want to take with you to see your dad?

I don't know.
Which one's the bike?

Santa's still
working on that one.

I want you to
pick one of these.

I want that one.

Okay, good choice.

I hope it's a race car.

Here you go.

I want you.

I can't go, baby.

But you'll only be
gone a week, right?

And then, when you get back,
we can all have our very own special Christmas. Okay?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it!

Okay, come in.

Hello.

Hi, Melody Oates.

J-Jizzy sent us to fit the kids for the party tonight.

Nobody called?

No.

If they try them on,
we can hem them right here.

I'm sorry.
When exactly did my kids become The Jackson Five?

I ain't being Michael.

Sorry, ma'am,
I'm just doing my job.

Kim? Get him here now.

This is a new low,
J, even for you.

You got what you wanted.

You got the kids on the most special day of the year.

You want to parade them around like a damn circus act.

Look, this is
just a party.

Yeah, a party for you.
Not them. You.

You know what?
I see what this is all about.

You just mad
'cause you lost.

The kids are
the losers in this, J.

Not me or you.

They could have had a real Christmas,
a normal Christmas.

With a real family.

With who?

You and that chump you've been running around with?

He's not a chump, J.
He's a grownup.

Unlike this 40-year-old spoiled brat in a cheap chinchilla.

I'm 35, I'm not spoiled,
and guess what?

We gonna see how much of a man he is when he hook with me.

I can't wait
for you to meet.

I gotta thank my lucky
stars that I met him,

because I just hope, one day,
we can get married.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hold on, man,
you can't just...

Shut up!
I got something to say.

Why are you doing this?

You said you
were gonna help me.

You send us this guy,
and now my mom says she's gonna marry him.

She loves him,
you fat jerk.

Now Mom and Dad will never get back together.

Okay, now, hold on.

I hate you. I hate you.

I'm... Santa is sorry.
Okay?

He didn't mean
for this to happen.

That man is never gonna
see your mother again, okay?

I promise.

Jamal, I'm out.
I'll be back.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?
BENJAMIN: Hey, Nancy.

Hey, Benjamin.

Listen, about
the beach house.

Something came up.
I'm not going to be able to make it.

Oh!

That's cool.
We can just do the holidays somewhere else.

I can't do that, either.

In fact, I can't do
us anymore. I just...

I won't be seeing you again.
I'm sorry.

Wait. What? Hello?

The kids are fine. They're watching a video,
and these are for you.

NANCY: Thanks.

It's okay. It's okay.

What happened?

Mommy and Benjamin broke up.
Sorry.

Mom. Don't cry.

That's okay.
I'm gonna be okay.

JOHN-JOHN:
She'll get over it.

I didn't just
do this for me.

I did this
for all of us.

Don't you want
Dad back? I do.

I mean, sure,
they fight all the time,

but that's what people who love each other do.
They fight.

I liked Emily's
wish better.

Whatever.

WOMAN: Hey, everybody,
we are coming at you live

from the J-Jizzy Christmas album release party

for J-Jizzy's
Rockin' Christmas.

(LOUD CHEERING)

Yeah, Christmas is a very special time for me.

It's very spiritual.

Yeah, I got them.
They just pulled up.

Time to spend time with the children,
your loved ones, family.

And this Christmas,
I intend to spend most of it with my family.

Dad! Over here!
Kids are here.

Do I look like I'm
finished right now?

Put them in the dressing room or something.

MAN: We ain't got time
for that. Let's go.

What?

Yeah, I love you, too.

As I was saying,
I love family.

Wow!

All aboard.

Come on, kids. Free rides.

Look. Look there.
And there. And over there.

All right, come on.
That's enough of that.

Let's go.
We gotta go this way.

What are you looking at?
You're not here for fun.

You're here
to work, all right?

What I thought was gonna be
the perfect Christmas

is shaping up to be
the worst Christmas.

Okay. This is not
the worst Christmas.

Yeah, you've got us,
and we're your girls.

No, you're right,
you know.

And James does know how to throw a good party, right?

Yeah.

I'm sure the kids
are having a good time.

GIRL: Look at me.

Come on. Come on.

Wow.

MAN ON TV:
You're the gal I always dreamed of.

WOMAN:
What do you mean, Mike?

When I was in the war,
I thought about you all the time.

Oh, golly,
I have every single one of your letters,

and I always remember
Christmas Eve

you sent me
a special something.

(ALL SIGHING)

DELICIOUS: Thank you.
Thank you. Good to see you.

Thanks for coming.

J-JIZZY: You know she's talking about marrying this chump, right?

I can't afford
for that to happen.

That's gonna
make me look stupid.

You know what
I'm gonna do?

DELICIOUS: What's that?

I'm gonna marry her.

Then I'm gonna dump her.
What?

What?

Hey, what's up, shorty?
What's going on?

The mall is closed.

Let me in.
I need to see Santa.

(SIGHING)

Santa died.

Don't listen
to him, kid.

JOHN-JOHN:
Can you let me in?

From the looks of things,

I'd say what you need
is a good nose blowing.

I just need to see him.

It's Christmas Eve, son.

It's a little late to be hauling out your list.

Please, I gotta give
back the wish. Please.

Let me see what I can do.

Probably get
fired for this.

I hope you ain't one of them teenage cat burglar types.

No, I'm a good kid.

Okay.

All right, go on.

Thank you.
Merry Christmas.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(HONKING)

* Come, they told me,
parum pum pum pum *

John-John?

Santa, you're here.

Where's your mother?

She's at home, crying.
Emily's crying.

Everybody's crying,
and it's all because of me.

My dad doesn't
even love my mom.

Benjamin does.
Can you bring him back?

Please? It's all I want
for Christmas. I swear.

Benjamin?

Hey, you know
what you need?

You need a good
long vacation.

ROBIN: Okay.

Right, like I have
time for a vacation.

Let's go to a beach.

(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, God.

Hello?
Yeah, it's me.

Did John-John
come over there?

I still need him!

I'll stay here,
just in case he comes back.

So, that's the story.

All I can say, John-John,
is that I'm sorry.

I'll keep saying I'm sorry till April if you want me to.

Who are you gonna be then?
Easter bunny?

DELICIOUS: This is the most recent picture we got,
right there.

The father is where?

He's right over there.

He's distraught
and everything.

Find my shorty, man.

All right.
I want eyes up high,

in case he's wandering
in the perimeter.

Eyes up high.

All right, go.

We're on our way now.

MAN: Is there any
word on the child?

You can't come
through here, ma'am.

No, I'm his mother.

Sorry.
Thank you.

Well, we gotta get
you back to that party.

Yeah.

Let's go.
All right.

He's my son.
He's my son.

DELICIOUS: I just think we just need a second to sort...

Where is he?

Where is John-John?
Okay.

Yeah.

JOHN-JOHN: Wow.
Check out all the cops.

I wonder
what happened.

You happened.

Oh.

Let's go.

Let him through.

I'm a bounty hunter. Okay?

Delicious,
do not handle me.

I know when I'm being handled.
Stop.

Where is our son?

Look, I tell you
this much.

Instead of all
this time-out stuff,

maybe you should
try peeling his butt

when you find out
where he's at.

Why? Because he ruined
your precious party?

And where's Mikey? Where's Mikey?
There's all of these people,

you don't even know
where Mikey is.

(CHUCKLING)

(SCREAMING)

Look up in the balcony.

Mommy. Help, Mommy.

Mikey!
Hold on, baby.

Do something.
James, do something.

Mikey.

NANCY: Mikey,
hold on, baby. Hold on.

MAN: Don't move, kid.
Someone's coming to help.

James! Don't just
stand there. Help him.

Rottweiler!
Hmm?

Uh-uh.

Mikey, Mikey.
Come on, come on.

Reach. Reach!

Come on.

Mom.

John-John.

NANCY:
Hold on, Mikey.

Reach. Reach.
Reach hard.

Mommy.

Mikey, hold on, baby.

Come on, Mike.
Come on.

Help me, Santa,
help me.

Reach.

Come on, I got you.
I got you. Just reach.

BENJAMIN: I got you.

Now, you know,
I wasn't about to let that happen.

Stop it.

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Go on.
Mommy.

Mom.

Benjamin?

Benjamin?

Benjamin?

How do you
know Benjamin?

Better question,
how do you know Benjamin?

How do you know him?

Yeah, how do
you know her?

Who? Okay.

Exactly. A really laughable,
simple explanation.

Well, make me laugh then,
Mr. Songwriter.

Songwriter?
You're a songwriter?

He's no songwriter,
Daddy.

He's Mommy's
boyfriend.

What?

You're
Santa Claus also?

Well, it's only seasonal.

Pays close to nothing,
but I'm Santa.

A lot of surprises.

But it turns out to be one of the best gigs I've ever had.

You know,
as a struggling songwriter I've had a lot of gigs.

I'm glad you
enjoyed the journey,

'cause your days as a struggling songwriter,
they far from over.

You're fired, chump.

Delicious!

I want that cut
pulled immediately.

A couple of problems
with that, boss.

First, the album's already been shipped off,

and second,
that's the best song on the whole album.

So you might want to keep that one on there,

just for sales and all.

Okay, then,
since you like the song so much

you can spend the rest of your days listening to it.

You fired!

I'm fired?

But, Daddy, he is right.
It is a great song.

And you fired, too!
What?

As my son.

In fact, everybody's
fired, as my fans.

I want you all out.
Everybody, get out!

Rottweiler!
Routine 919. Sexy exit.

Yeah, that's sexy.

Get off!

Dad!
John-John.

That day at the mall.

My wish.
The compliment.

Emily told you,
didn't she?

Yeah.
That's where the lie began.

But right here is
where that lie ends.

Dad.

You okay?
You want me to come with you

so you don't have to spend Christmas alone?

Alone?
I got plenty of company.

That ain't the reason why you can't come with me, though.

What?

You ought to be
with your momma.

I mean,
she got this whole holiday thing down to a science.

Fact is,
she always did.

And you're right.
It's a good song, too.

Told you.

Hey, you know I love you and your momma, right?

Yeah.
And your brother and your sister.

I love all of y'all.

Sometimes I get carried away with this whole

J-Jizzy's thing.

I say stuff that hurt people's feelings,
but I don't mean it.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Yeah, merry Christmas.

Hey, Dad.

(EXCLAIMS)

Rottweiler.
Daddy's leaving.

So I knew the truth was gonna come out sometime.

Just want to say
I'm sorry.

You really are one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Mikey, keep up with them race cars,
all right?

Emily, you really
are a princess.

I'm sorry.

Keyboard shake?

What you waiting for?
Go get him!

Yeah, Mommy,
go get your man.

MAN:
Yeah, go get him.

(BAH HUMBUG LAUGHING)

Hey, Santa.

I think I need a pen.

Daddy fired John-John.

What's worse than that is
Daddy fired me, too.

So now I'm on my own,
looking for some hot new talent to cut a cool record.

Anybody interested?

Merry Christmas.

Well, I just want
a kiss on that.

They want to kiss
all the time.

Yeah.

BOTH: Merry Christmas.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Well, I guess a wise woman was right after all.

The best Christmas present is a happy family all wrapped up together.

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho,
merry Christmas.

I know. I know.

What would you
do without me?

And to all
a good night.

I almost forgot.
Merry Christmas!

* Say what you want when you feel that you need to

* Don't be afraid,
whip about if it feels good

* Time to let your spirit fly

* Let your spirit fly

* I'm thankful for
what I have this season

* Finally happy
for no good reason

* Dreaming big dreams inside

* And when a miracle
gets handed to you

* You don't ask questions

Why is it every
time you gotta win?

Why can't I have one?

Why can't I have one?

The end.

* Peace on Earth

* Peace on Earth

* Breathing in the air
we should

* Everyone everywhere

* Oh, yeah

* Under the tree
wraps are finally shining

* Lit by the star
of the bulb so brightly

* We all wonder what we got

* News travels fast
if it's worth receiving

* But deep down we know the gift's in the giving

* Pure and simple,
heart to heart

* And when a miracle
gets handed to you

* You don't ask questions

* Anything you can imagine
is there if you can see

* The power of peace

* Peace on Earth

* Peace on Earth

* We can start
with something small

* This Christmas wish
for us all to live in peace

* Peace on Earth

* Breathing in the air
we should

* Everyone everywhere

* With hope and trust,
joy we can touch

* I see us there,
faith lifts us up

* Angels we pray

* Truth leads the way
to love

* So that we can
all believe in living

* Peace, peace on Earth

* Peace on Earth

* We can start with
something small

* This Christmas wish
for us all to live in peace

* Peace on Earth

* Peace on Earth

* Breathing in the air
we should

* Everyone everywhere

* Peace, peace on Earth

* We can start with
something small

* This Christmas wish
for us all to live in peace

* Peace, peace on Earth

* Oh, yeah

* Oh, yeah

* Peace, peace on Earth

* Peace on Earth

* We can start with
something small

* This Christmas wish
for us all to live in peace *