The Penthouse (2010) - full transcript

媻

Welcome to the season finale of "Strangers in a Penthouse."

Once there were ten,
but now only Lexi and Tyler are left.

Who will win
the penthouse?

The competition is fierce.

It's not
about the competition

Tyler and I are in love!

There aren't any losers
in the game of love.

Lexi and I are gonna
be together forever.

We're going to live together in the penthouse and make babies.

We're live right now with America's favorite strangers,



Tyler,

and Lexi.

You must feel like a king
because you are a queen.

I'm gonna tell you,
you know, you got the--

Okay, so,
there's only gonna be one stranger

that's gonna get this beautiful penthouse.
You dig?

Are you ready?

Lexi and Tyler,
I will tell you now

who the winner is
of this great penthouse.

You gotta be fucking
kidding me, man.

Congratulations, Tyler.
How does it feel to win the penthouse?

I don't know what to say.
I'd like to thank my fans and Lexi.

Hey, baby! Congratulations.

Sorry I can't make it to the party tonight.
I'm feeling a little, uh,



a tickle in my throat.

But I love you and I can't wait to start my life with you tomorrow.

You should get
an agent now.

Actually, I have
an agent.

That guy's a dick.
You need to come with us.

Your fly's open.

Are you that reporter from Channel 5?

Yes, I am.

Hi! It's me again!

Calling to tell you that I love you and I was thinking about you.

Call me
when you get this. Bye.

Kieran!

Are you coming over?

No, no. I'm at that,
that thing for Tyler.

It's, it's a pretty great party,
if you--

Uh, uh.

No?

No, I'm brushing my cat.

Okay. Yeah, no, I,
I totally understand.

That's, that's
important, too.

I love you.

I love you so much.

I love you
like a motherfucker.

Just so much
like a motherfucker.

Who are
you talking to?

My agent.

Come on. We're just
gonna go to my room. Come on.

You're fucking Irish, dammit.
You don't fucking pass out.

Heath, did you hear that this means sex and this means lesbian sex?

No, I didn't.

What are you doing?

Dealing with
a situation!

She's just resting!

She overdosed
on me.

Let's go
see Kieran.

I don't
fucking care.

She's sleeping.
She's sleeping.

Thing's caught
in her hair.

You'll wake
her up now.

I've been trying to wake her up for a fucking hour.

I just don't get it.
Why is Bambi only a stripper's name?

I mean, originally,
Bambi was a bad ass boy deer's name.

I want a name like fucking kid Bambi I can't see why I can't.

How is Bambi
a bad ass?

Bambi was
a bad ass, dude.

How have
you been, man?

I've been great. Wow!

Yeah? Huh?
What did I tell ya?

It's amazing.

Uh, are you
still with, uh.

Erica.

Erica! Yeah.

Dude.

: We got this chick,
fucking hot, Filipina, big tits.

Nice little ass,
tanned, smooth, smooth.

And she'll lick
your balls, man.

First date.
First date.

I'm, I, Erica and I
are still together.

You sure?

Yes.

But she'll
lick your balls.

You said you'd break
up with her. Didn't he?

Yeah.

I tried.

Bullshit.

Bullshit. You know what?
Tonight, forget it.

Forget it.
Look at this. Huh?

What did I tell you
guys in high school?

I'm gonna be famous.
I'm gonna make it. Did I not?

You did.

Guess who has a surprise for the boys?

Can we, uh, can we
slow down, you think?

Moving into that penthouse is just a way of avoiding your potential.

There's no way you can excel in your life if you live with Heath and Tyler.

I'll be able to focus on my writing.
I won't be sweating a rent every month.

How are you hiking
in those boots?

I'm sure there won't be any whorish slutty drunken chick parties either.

You make it sound like I'm moving in with Hugh Hefner.

I make it sound like you're moving in with Tyler.

You're being--

I want my boyfriend to focus on his future not recapturing his past.

You'll be in a condescential lost cause.

That is not a word.

Yes it is!

You can't
make up-- English--

Can you please
slow down?

If you can't keep up with me now,
how will you keep up with me in 50 years?

50 years?

What? You just said---

No. You said I--

Are you-- I'm thinking-- What I'm trying to say--

That we should get out of here before the coyotes come?

No, I'm not-- There are no coyotes here.
That's crazy.

I'm trying
to-- Listen.

Maybe we should take
a couple of steps back.

What the fuck
does that mean?

Okay.

It means I'm--

I'm just
thinking maybe we--

I'm trying--

Fuck. Okay.

Oh. Oh.

So? How was
our time apart?

It was horrible.

Hey, Lexi!

Kieran, hey!
God there was something I wanted to tell you.

What was it?
Oh, yeah!

Go fuck yourself!

Hey, I, uh, ran
into Lexi in the hall.

Yeah, she seems to be having trouble revising our moving situation.

Bros before hoes.

She'll come around.

What? Wait.
You didn't tell her that we were moving in?

Ugh!

This place
is pretty sweet, right?

It's perfect.

Honest, Tyler.
I don't know what to say.

Fuck you, man.
Don't say nothing.

What kind of schmuck doesn't take care of his boys?

This is gonna be
like old times!

This DJ fucking sucks.

Come on.

...there's two on yours and I'm
getting his shit.

I'll be back.

Dude! Bro!

What the shit, man!

Long time no see, bro!
This place is awesome!

Oh. Who's that?

That's uh,
Tyler's sister.

Oh. That's tough
to look at, bro.

So anyway, I heard
you made it, man.

I heard you had that story published about that gopher.

Yeah. Well, it really
wasn't about a gopher.

That's crazy, man.

It's more
like adventure---

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Writing music
reviews for Rolling Stone?

That is cool, man.

Yo man, see that guy over there?
I fucking pissed in his Seven Up.

I pissed
in his fucking Seven Up.

Anyway, dude.
I gotta go, man.

Alright. Go for it. Oh!

I got it.

You okay?
You got it.

Call me, alright?

You got it.

Hey. Yeah. No, they're,
uh, having a party. Hold on.

I mean, a doctor. Wow.
So you must be like really smart.

Big brain.

Hey. Sorry,
Erica. It's, uh--

It's a pretty crazy party.
What's going on?

I think it's time
we moved in together.

Listen, uh, I got to go make a quick diagnosis.
I'll see you in a little bit.

Have a drink
but don't drink too much.

You have nothing to say to that?
Nothing at all?

No. No. No.
I do.

I'm just--

Oh, my God. Tyler,

he just took the fire extinguisher and he's like spraying everything.

Let me call you
right back, okay?

What's up? Erica not
taking the break up so well?

No. She's loving it,
Heath. Thanks.

Ah, there you are.

I knew you were gonna be a pussy and not drink with us today

so I need a big
favor from you. Okay?

My sister is at this bar
across the street from LAX.

Your sister?
What's she doing here?

She came to visit
her famous brother.

You're sitting here
worrying about that bitch.

You're depressing everybody.
Just go, get my sister,

grab a drink
and come back. Okay?

Go. Go. Go.

I know,
I'm sorry, Erica.

I just wanted a beer.

Um. No, I was caught
by surprise, you know?

Yeah. I'm ready
to move forward, too.

No, I can't
come over right now.

I'm gonna pick up
Tyler's little sister.

Relax.

She's like, she's
totally awkward and boyish.

Yeah. I--

Oh, shit. You know what?
I gotta go.

Yeah. Bye.

Hey! Trista!

That'll be
13 dollars, sir.

13-- I didn't even-- Okay.

Just-- Can you
run that quickly?

Debit or credit?

Credit.

"Awkward and boyish."
Not a very nice way to talk about someone.

Uh, I didn't really
mean it. She's--

It's my best friend's
kid sister and I--

I just haven't seen her
in a long time.

Maybe she's
changed, huh?

Huh? Didn't really
look like it.

Thank you
very much.

Okay. Thank you, too.

Well, gotta run.
Make the peace.

Do you?
Maybe you could have your friend pick up the kid

and you and I
can get out of here?

You don't know
my friend.

Wait. Wait.
What did you say?

At the Downtown Standard.
Maybe, uh, order room service.

Are you-- What--

That's, uh--
That's interesting.

A bath
could be involved.

You want to take a bath?

You want to join me?

You don't even
know me. Are you--

Hi, Kieran.

That, that sucked.

That was mean, that
was just downright mean.

"Awkward and boyish?"
Jeez, thanks a lot.

I'm sorry.

But you look great,
by the way.

Thanks. So do you.
Wow. You've changed.

What's it like
living with my brother?

It's, uh,
it's an adventure.

Hey, Heath.
Seen my brother?

Uh, no.

He should
be here somewhere.

Tyler.

Oh, I know that voice.
Ah, how's my little sister, my best friend.

How's my
little sister?

Sorry, I spilled some Champagne and shit from some girl.

Lovely, really seems
to agree with you.

Looking good, huh?

What do you think of the place?
Pretty nice, huh?

Yeah. Strangely familiar.
So is there a room for me?

Of course there's room for you, my sister.
I've got room for my little sister.

Oh, hi.
Oh, you're pretty.

She's pretty.

You want to play
with me?

Please, stop.
Oh, no, no, no.

You like it?
It's slutty, right?

We gotta go. We parked
in a construction zone.

Don't worry about it,
I'll take care of it.

How?

I'm a doctor.

So how's Mom and Dad?

In a state of shock.
They caught a few episodes.

Like most of that
didn't even happen,

because they, like,
edited and stuff.

So, they--
That's my friend, Glen.

Okay, uh--

I think your room's this way.
Let's make sure it's okay.

Wait here, okay?
I'm gonna fix everything. Alright?

I'll be right back.
Hold on.

Fuck.

Fucking head's
gonna explode.

What's another word for suicide inducingly boring?

Erica?

Hey, so, uh, you
still reviewing Muzak?

Yeah. Unless you can
pay me for my novel.

What's it about?

Uh, that's, uh,
that's always such a tough question.

It's a tough question because he hasn't fucking started it yet.

You're gonna wear out
that finger, buddy.

Speaking of-- Did you
hook up last night?

I hooked up last night.
Yeah, I hooked up. What about you?

Or did they pass out
on you again?

No, I exhausted myself moving the construction equipment upstairs.

I think they had fun
with themselves.

Yeah? Aren't you sweet?
What did I tell you? Pace, pace, pace.

How about you? First night,
single man, get a little--?

He probably
fucked your sister.

That's not funny.

Dude. I--
You know, I--

When you start a sentence with "dude" you say something stupid.

I tried.

To fuck his sister?

Dude! That's not funny.

Yes, it is.

Seriously.

Whatever.

We should focus
on Kieran, poor guy.

How are you feeling, buddy?
Are things okay?

You did break up
with her, right?

Well, yeah, I mean,
I said that we should take a couple of steps back.

Yeah. What the hell
does that mean?

It means he's stuck
in a Paula Abdul song.

No.
It means that I'm just trying to let her down easy.

You cannot
let a girl down easy.

Man, she doesn't care.
She's gonna dominate you, bro.

She doesn't give
a shit about you,

they only want to be
better than other girls.

You got an exit
strategy, pal?

What is your exit
strategy? Come on.

Well, I,
I think we're going to move in together.

Jesus.

Let me get this straight.
She'll let you break up with her

as long as you
move in together?

Yeah, if you put it like that,
it sounds pretty stupid.

It sounds stupid
either way.

No, it doesn't--

Yeah, it does.

It makes sense when
she explains it.

Of course it does.

She doesn't hear the same rules of engagement as you,
she's a fucking woman!

I'm just
going to punch you.

Are you kidding me?

I'll punch you
in the face.

Dude--

No. Don't dude me.

Look, I just think I want to take a shot at this thing.

You moved in
one day ago, bro!

I know, but I feel this
is a step forward for us.

So you're moving in together.
That's how you're breaking up with each other?

What are you?
Fucking retarded?

I know we had this whole plan of moving in together and being single

and that sounds
really great in theory

but I'm not gonna get
any writing done.

If I don't buckle down with Erica,
what's gonna happen?

I might end up being alone
and I want a life.

Yeah? You are one
brainwashed son of a bitch!

Look! This is a life!

This is a beautiful,
as seen on TV, life.

Just because
you're 28 years old--

30.

I'm 29.

I'm 29 years old.

Hey, guys.

What did I miss?
It sounds deep.

We were just discussing
the appropriate conduct

of a 21st
century relationship.

I got work to do.

Pretty interesting.

I'm 29. You know I'm 29.
Am I not 29?

There was a mistake
on my birth certificate.

Ask mom!

Wow, So, uh--

Bloody Mary?
I make them really spicy.

So? How's the writing?

Great. Good. Wow.

Yeah, no, it, it--

It couldn't be, uh,

How are things
with you?

My wife just left me.

Oh, no.

She took my dogs.

I'm sorry.

She took my dog's life.

Wow.

I got home and there
was blood everywhere.

She decorated the den
with Poochie's intestines.

Like garland around
a Christmas tree.

Ha.

I took care of her.

Kieran, you're so gullible!

I-- Well--

Why would you
say those things?

Because you
just lied to me!

You told me everything's "Wow."
I haven't seen dick from you in months.

Okay.

Put your fiction
on a page.

Don't spit it at my face

and expect me to lick it up.

Okay. I see your point.

You really see my point?

Yes. I do.

Do you?

Yeah.

Do you want to see
my point closer?

I, I, I got it.

Okay, okay. Yeah. No.

See? That's what I love about you.
You're so gullible.

Go on. Get
out of here.

Go write me
something brilliant.

You got it.

Look at that mouse.

You're an idiot.
That Lexi was fucking hot.

Shut up, man.

This is a reality show.

She hasn't called me one time since I let you guys moved in here.

It's reality.

It shows what her
real motives were.

Whatever. She's
fucking hot.

What about this girl?
You think she's hot?

Yeah. I do.

No, that's a tranny.

I'm not good at this.

some people like trannies, my friend,
apparently you're one of them.

Whatever. So what are
we gonna do about Kieran?

We can't let him move in with that bitch.

You gotta use that doctor's brain of
yours and help me figure something out.

I have one idea.

What is it?

We arrange
for him to get laid.

And then we throw it up on Youtube and then call her up and tell her.

I like that one.
We can get some girls

we can throw a party,
get him all fucked up

tell them that Kieran has this huge cock, well,
no one would believe that.

We'll say he's a billionaire.
Bitches love money.

I like it. I'm
getting some ideas here.

I'm gonna go round up some sluts and go see my agent.

And uh, you may be sporting some wood there,
tranny lover.

Good morning.
Can I help you?

Hey, it's That Tyler.
Is Doug there?

One second, please.
I have That Tyler on line 2.

Oh, put him through, please.

Big T!

Hey, uh, I'm not feeling so well.
I'm not gonna make it in today.

I feel like this
tickle in my throat.

You want an ambulance?
Lucy, get an ambulance. No, I'm just kidding,

no, but I've got very big words for you today,
Buzz McManus!

Buzz McManus,
ladies and gentlemen!

Okay. Who's that?

Oh, my God.
Is 2 plus 2 not equal to 22 in your beautiful brain?

I'm kidding,
you're smart. Seriously,

Buzz McManus is the gatekeeper to your celebrity,
dumb babe.

He'll make it
happen for you.

Isn't he the dickhead
on MTV?

No, no, but he's similar.
In fact, he's better. Okay?

And he's going to give you a private show at the penthouse

to announce the autobiography,
the book signing,

and season one
DVD of "Strangers."

What else
you got for me?

How about a few swanky appearances?
Ever heard of Putas Locas before?

Pu, pu, puro what?

I don't speak
Spanish either.

But they've heard of you.
They want you to come down, grab a camcorder,

maybe get girls to take their blouses off,
sign autographs

maybe sign tits,
if I could have your life for one minute,

I'd pound it to myself
in the mirror everyday.

I mean, not that I
don't do that anyway.

Okay. Can you find something good for me,
like maybe a pilot?

I mean, I have talent.
Uh, maybe something on MTV,

maybe a VH1 reality show,
a celebrity rehab 101, something classy.

Right, right, I mean,
I see where you're driving

I do,
but it's pitch black and you got a busted headlight.

Uh, can you
just talk normal?

You have to crawl
before you walk, Tyler.

I can't wait until you meet my mom tonight.

It's gonna be
so much fun.

Tonight?

Yeah!

Remember?

We have reservations.

Hey! Is this Mandy
or is this Sandy?

No, it's Tyler.

Are you serious?

Yeah, no,
it's ball party.

No, no, I'm
just on the phone--

Uh. No, no.
That'll be-- That's my cousin.

You're so rude!

Doctor Bellotti's office?

Boss's daughter
is pretty hot.

Actually, that's
the boss.

Hi, doctor Bellotti.

Have a seat.
Glad to meet you.

Uh, you, you can
just call me Heath.

I've never had
a male nurse before.

I've never been
a male nurse before.

Just so you know,
I tried to have you reassigned elsewhere

based on your
lack of experience

but the administration
said it was you or no one

and I need the nurse
power so here you are.

Thanks for the vote
of confidence.

Do you know anything
about children?

I know to wrap it up.

Joke.

I'm gonna tell you now because I don't want to get sued.

I always take my new nurses out to lunch
to get to know them on a personal level.

So I will extend the invitation to you and if you choose not to accept

I won't be particularly crushed if you catch my meaning.

As long as we go somewhere that serves lobster,
I'm there.

That's the look that says
"You must be joking."

I am joking.

Good.

But anywhere is fine
with me, you know?

I'll go anywhere
with you, I don't care.

What guy would be crazy enough to turn down a date with a beautiful--

It's not a date.

Okay.

I like it here.
It's nice.

Interesting Feng Shui.

Yeah.

I think your decorator
may be morally wanting.

I think you're right.

But it is convenient when you want to have a good time.

You looking
for a good time?

Considering my brother flaked on me for lunch, yeah, kinda.

Why? Are you offering?

I've, I've got
work to do but, uh--

Dearjia is available.

If you want to have a good time,
call me, Dearjia

I will make your wildest
dreams a, Bi-ality.

I think that's
a typo.

Still, it's pretty tempting.

It's a fine
looking he-she.

Enjoy yourself.

I usually do.

Hey, man.

Hey.

Look, I've had a few drinks but this is not why I'm gonna say this.

I just want to let you know
I'm sorry about this morning.

I want you
to have fun, uh--

Fuck you,
don't say nothing.

I can be a real
dick sometimes.

No.

No.
More than one person has told me this.

That I don't mean to be, I just get, oh,
I just want you to enjoy yourself--

No, it's, it's, don't worry
about it, just forget it.

I'll make it up to you. Let's go downstairs,
have fun, there's people--

No, Tyler, I just
started like writing

and it's going really well,
so I'd rather just stay in the zone.

Okay. Listen
to me.

I'll be good.
I promise I will be good.

Okay?

Just 5 minutes,
10 minutes, 30 minutes.

Like an hour, tops.
I swear to God.

If it's going well,
who knows. Let's go.

Alright.

That's my boy. See?

You need some shorts.

Hey, he's coming,
he's coming.

He's awesome.
There he is,

now look at the big boy!
Look at him! Ready for the spa.

Hey, Kieran, this
is Andy and Sandy.

Hi.

This is Kieran, guys.
The man of the legend.

Are you gonna get in?

Do I have a choice?

You either go in on your own or we throw you.

Oh, my--

Did you really
have to do that?

Make some room--
Oh. Okay. Crazy.

Mandy's working in the tanning salon across the street from Tyler's gym.

And Kieran here is an editor at Rolling Stone.

Wow, that's cool.

You know
Bon Jovi?

No, I don't.

He introduced me to Sambora
and Denise Richards?

What about Jay-Z?

No, I don't really,
it's not like that.

Come on, man.
He produced his last album.

Isn't that right,
Mr. DJ Krush?

You're DJ Krush?
I thought he was Japanese.

He's actually native Japanese but it's all above the waist.

But, but,
his grandpa was actually half black,

he's got those genes in his jeans,
if you can smell what I'm cooking.

Bullshit.

Don't you have like that huge butterfly collection?

Everybody, it's time
to go play strip tag!

You're it, Tyler!

Out of the way.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Who's it?
Should I go--

No. no. Stay.
I'll be right back.

Yeah. You--

Okay. alright. Okay.

Where did Kieran go?

I don't know. He's running around,
playing tag or whatever.

Are you guys--

Stop it.

Okay.

Oh.

Hey, Glen!

Morning, man.

We were, uh,
strip tagging here.

That's--

There's a pool.
And a room.

He's a really
good guy, man.

He seems like a nice guy,
he's really cute.

You think so?

Yeah. He's got
really nice eyes.

Is he single?

No, no. He's married.

Kieran, go, go.
Come on, buddy.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! It's kind
of cold.

I wish there was more!

Somebody pee
in the pool.

Hey, bro,
I missed you at lunch.

Oh, yeah, I was at
my agent's, and uh,

his building's cement so there's like,
I couldn't get a signal.

Maybe tomorrow?

Yeah. You're it.
Go, go, go.

Oh.

Are you trying
to get me drunk?

Yeah.

Hey.

Oh.

Where are
you going, man?

Why are you leaving?

It's cool.
I'll see you later.

I'll check
you later.

Are you smoking?

Does Tyler
know you smoke?

Do I care?

So you leave
the festivity so soon?

Yeah, It's not
really my thing.

Yeah, it looked like you were having a terrible time.

So why don't
you offer me a drink?

'Cause you're a baby.

I mean, aren't
you still a minor?

Jeez.
You and Tyler used to fill up the thermoses out of Mom's box of wine.

You knew about that?

Wow.

I'll just,
uh, go change.

Don't do it
on my account.

Beer

gotta be kidding me.

Can't even jerk off.

So I read that short story you wrote about running away from home.

The one
that got published.

You mean the one
about the gopher.

Yeah. It wasn't really
about a gopher, though.

It's really good.

Thanks.

You still
want to be a writer?

Definitely, yeah,
it's, uh--

Sometimes it just-- It seems so far away,
you know, like,

like impossibly
far away.

Like those buildings
out there

They're right there, but they're not.
They're pretty far away, you know?

They are
pretty far away.

No more for you.

Yeah. I deserve that.

So, what are
you writing now?

Uh, just reviewing music.

That sounds
really cool.

Uh, hm. No, it's
definitely not cool.

It's, uh, you know
what Muzak is?

I know what Muzak is.

I'm a huge fan of Muzak.

No you're not.

I'm the biggest
fan of Muzak.

No, you're not.

Muzak sucks.

It's the worst.

It's like the soundtrack for all the places you don't want to be.

Shit.

So what are
you doing here?

I don't know.
I'm probably gonna move out, but--

It's a great
life, isn't it?

Come on,
it's a penthouse, right?

Right.

It is a penthouse.

I don't know I mean,
it kinds seems like a waste, you know?

Well.

I ought to get
out of here.

We wouldn't want that sauce to cause us to do something crazy,
now would we?

Good night, Kieran.

Yeah, good night.

Design.
Features of style.

Very inexpensive to heat.

Energy efficient.

Well?

I--

Are we standing
in the closet right now?

I got you covered.
There is room a storage unit.

Only 3 blocks away.

I hate my life.

Give me a hug. Ah!

Jesus!

Who the fuck are you?

I'm sorry.

Great, uh, Roy,
you wanna tell us a little bit about yourself?

It's pronounced "Rwa."

Okay, Raw.

We just knock
it out then? Huh?

Okay. I, uh,
like the outdoors,

I have two sisters,
my dad's a bastard,

fashion's my life,
I think that goes without saying,

I just don't want to screw this up because
I want you guys to like me so much

please like me! Anyway,

Can I touch you
to see if you're real?

No touching, okay?

Alright, Raw?

It's pronounced "Rwa."

"Wa?"

"Rwa."

"Rwa!"

"Raw?"

"Wa," "Wa."

"Wa," okay, "Wa."

Well, we'll
give you a ring.

Hey.

Wha--

Yes!

I have no idea.

Everybody, let's give a warm round of applause for Kieran

whose early departure
from the penthouse

is giving you the opportunity of a lifetime to live with me, Tyler.

And, uh, that's my sister.

Seriously, you do have the opportunity of a lifetime,

Lunch?

you're just
gonna blow it?

He's gonna
blow it.

Your attitude stinks,
like my grundle, okay?

Out of 10 I give him a big bad zero.
Zero, zero, zero.

Zero.

That's great.

Where are
you going?

Lunch with
Erica's parents.

Erica. Who's that?

My girlfriend.

Oh, right. The one
you're moving in with.

How are they?

Hm.

Can I make a suggestion?

Yeah.

Lose the sweater.

This sweater?

It's kind of cool out.

But that sweater isn't.
You should burn it.

Wow. Listen to you.

I don't remember you being this caustic when we were younger.

I think I prefer you forget just about everything you remember about me.

I actually have fond
memories of you.

Some things I probably would have done differently.

Such as?

Try harder.

At what?

You're really enjoying
this, aren't you?

No.

Go on.

I think I probably would
have, just, you know,

maybe stood up for--

What? Huh? What?

Okay. Uh--

I think I should have
probably stood up for you

when kids were being mean.

Maybe sometimes the way Tyler and I acted we enabled this whole--

Okay, you can stop.

It's good.

I was just getting started.

I'll stop you before you say something that'll make me cry.

A tough girl
like you?

Okay. Try this.

On top of this?

On top of it.

I'm not even gonna ask.

Disaster.

I don't get it.

You posted that
on Craigslist?

Of course.

Did you post it
under housing section?

What housing section?

The-- Housing section.

There isn't
a housing section.

"Are you a guy?
Do you like Tyler from "Strangers?"

"He's looking for a new roommate so here's your chance,

"open auditions
will be held this Thursday

at the Strangers penthouse,
only fun people need apply."

Are you fucking
kidding me?

I'm a doctor,
not a writer.

You posted that in the "Men Seeking Men" section.

Well, aren't we men seeking a male roommate?

We're not men
seeking men, like--

I didn't realize Craigslist was full of a bunch of perverts.

You didn't notice "Erotic services Men Seeking Men."

You see all these guys
on the right side of the page?

What? Are they--
I didn't see that.

That's why I had
to be 18 to get in?

I thought it was because to rent something,
you had be 18.

I mean to--

Stop.

Hi, guys.

Hi.

You look so cute.

Yeah, you'd look cuter
if you're on time.

Totally kidding with you.

Look at you.

I don't mean to put you on the spot right away, buddy,

but we're running
a bit late,

let me ask you something direct,
clear and personal.

You think I might have some grandchildren in this lifetime?

I gotta ask him.

You're body won't stay like that forever.

Look.

They're already--

Mom! Seriously.

They're already
squishy. Look.

No, they're not--

I mean, kids are one thing,
but don't you think we should

think about
marriage first?

Yes, you should.

The only way he's gettin' in here is picking the fucking lock.

Just go away!

Oh, I just--

Hey, I'm, uh, Barry.

Just a trick I learned
from Chuck Bronson.

Are you gay?

No. You?

No. Sit down.

Thanks.

Wow. This
place is great.

That, that brick
almost looks real.

Why don't you just tell us a little bit about yourself?

So I understand you've been trying a little writing there, Kieran.

Yeah. And I'm
still trying.

Great.
You think you might have some more success

if the word "commitment"
was in your lexicon?

As in committed
to an asylum?

Very good.
He's got a good sense of humor. I told you.

He sure does.
He's a scream.

If not you think you might do the decent thing and set her free?

Set me free? What am I a wild caged animal,
trying to break free?

Nicholas, I don't think we should talk-- No caged animals in my house.

When my hand's up like this,
I'm talking.

If you're not financially viable to support a family

you should think about
another line of work,

to have some room for advancement as your family grows.

Daddy, Kieran wants to write.
He's a great writer.

That's been discussed.
In the meantime,

maybe you could come work at my box factory.
Boxes.

Oh.

Oh. Hm.

Well, that's tempting,
but you know, I just--

Boxes aren't
really my thing.

You know, I used to be a socialist,
you know, Kieran?

And I realized there
was no money in it.

Call me crazy but I thought my life would be better with a few dollars,

with financial security,
so I did a statistical analysis

of different
businesses and investments,

boxes weren't my thing,

but financial stability for my family,
that was my thing.

Hi you all doing. I'm Kelly,
I'll be your server.

Hi, Kelly.

Can I get
you a martini?

Two more.

Honey, the hand's up.

We're starting with
a seven layer bean dip,

she'll have the shrimp tacos,
no shrimp, no tortillas,

she'll have a prime rib--

I haven't had meat
in almost seven years--

You will tonight.
He'll have the pasta without any sauce.

I haven't looked
at the menu yet.

You don't need to.
Put it in. We're fine.

I definitely want sauce.

If I'm having pasta,
sauce-- Can I get a drink?

Mom, please don't cry.

I'm also the kind of guy that likes to travel around a lot

just can't stay in one place for any amount of time.

I studied Buddhism in Tibet

but I got bored with that so I took up some cooking lessons in Paris

I met this girl, we traveled
around northern Africa,

where she fell in love with a Moroccan prince so I was just--

Off to Australia,
took up some surfing,

but a buddy of mine got his leg chopped off by a great white

so not wanting to tempt
fate any further,

I headed out and worked on an Alaska oil rig for about six months,

which was just as dangerous
but the pay was a lot better

so with the cash I went to New York,
dabbled on some online trading

made a gold mine on some Tech stock hedge funds

which I spent on a yacht which sank off the coast of Indonesia.

So, here I am.

Yeah, well.

I was on reality TV.

And I won.

Maybe I'm not ready to get married either, Mom.

I got married before I was drunk-- before I started to drink.

You've been
drinking ever since.

You are
a condescential bitch!

That's not a word.

Is too.

So, does anybody ever
really get full from tapas?

Why is he here?

I was trying
to be nice.

You know what?
I'm gonna take this.

- A call.
- That is rude, young man.

Hello?

That's, that's
crazy. Yeah,

don't panic, uh,
just stay there

and I'll
come get you.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm sorry,
I have to leave.

What?

Yes, uh, it's uh,
Trista, Tyler's

awkward, boyish
little sister

and, uh, she got
lost downtown,

Who goes
downtown anymore?

Hookers.

How do you know?

No. She's just--

She's lost and she's panicking so I'm just gonna go.

Why can't she just--

Loved the meal.

I love that kid.

Hey, baby.
You come here often?

What's going on?
Are you okay?

I'm fine.

No, not really.
What's up?

No, it's stupid.

Come on, lay it on me.
I promise I'll try not to laugh.

It's just--

It's just
fucking Tyler!

I've come here to see him before going to Europe

for I don't even know how long and he can't find the time

to even have
a crappy lunch with me.

Same shit all my life, Tyler, Tyler, Tyler,
and I'm sick of it.

And I hate the fact that I even care when he so obviously doesn't.

Wow. I need whiskey.

He'd go out and I'd
sneak into his closet

and I would steal
his cowboy boots.

Remember those ones he used to love so much?

Of course. How could I forget them,
the red and blue ones?

Red and teal. Right?

Oh, excuse me.

So you remember how anal he was about them, right?

So I would sneak in there,
take them out, put them on,

and I would run around the house in these giant oversized boots.

And I'd be so happy just to be wearing something of his.

Then of course I always had to sneak them back into his closet

before he got home because he'd flip out if he ever knew.

I guess it's just kind of been our deal,
you know?

Me always trying
to get his attention.

You know,
I actually thought this trip would be different.

I thought maybe
he'd finally notice me.

But, same old
invisible girl.

Thanks.

No, thanks.
You totally saved me from a miserable meal.

How'd you know
to do that?

Gut feeling.

Oh. It's quite a gut.

Oh, my--
Oh, my God.

It's unsightly,
isn't it?

It really is. It's disgusting,
you should put it away,

and maybe think about doing some crunches or something.

Hit me.

What?

Go on, punch me.

No, I'm not gonna--

I want you to hit me
as hard as you can.

Nice. That was nice.
It took me a minute but I got it.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus. Sh.

I'll just
leave that here.

I don't even know if Tyler's been in this room, so.

So I said to the guy,
I thought I told you to duck?

And he goes, "Oh,
I though you meant the one in the pond."

Stinker.

Hey, who's the,
uh, cute couple?

Oh, no, we're
just friends.

Don't worry about them, Barry.
That's just my ex-friend and my little sister

but this
is a fantastic martini.

Really? Alright.
I, I honestly, wasn't--

Trista.

So, uh, Bar,

to new roommates.

Yeah, new roommates.

Cheers. Are you
moving in tonight?

Tonight?

Yeah.

I mean, I could.

Man, this is good.

No, Lisa.
The girl's here for Heath.

She thought that his
room was my room.

Would I lie to you?

No way.

Not-- Convince you that-- Hang on.

Hey, you want to spend a little QT with your brother today?

I'll get my purse.

Hey, what's
in the envelope?

Nothing.

That's my sister.

See? If we get in now,
we can sell

and make a profit
in less than two years.

We'll make money
off the bank's money,

which will enable us to move up to a bigger place.

You made a pie chart.

Yeah.

Listen, thank you so much for lunch,
I really appreciate it.

You're welcome.

So you live here?

Uh, yeah,
for the time being.

I mean, it's, you know,
sort of a crash pad.

It does the trick.

And how exactly do you afford this on a nurse's salary?

This wasn't
as bad as I thought.

No?

Definitely not
as bad as I thought.

I mean, lunch,
was a little, hm, spotty.

And you're kind of cute,
you know that?

I did not know that, no.

Charming, I knew,
but cute? I don't know.

I'll take it.

You're not so bad
yourself, you know?

Except for the fact that you're a heartless workaholic.

Yeah.

You know underneath this hard exterior,
yours is a pretty big heart.

Well, I've noticed
that you're a good nurse.

Thank you.

And you're smart,
work well with children.

I mean,
I get a lot of practice being around here.

What was that for?

So now you're an idiot.

Not really am I?

Yeah, a little bit.

Okay, I'll be here early in the morning to help you pack.
Alright?

I love you--
Daddy, hi!

You'll never
believe this.

We found the most adorable place,
we're moving in together.

Oh, hey, Bar.
Yeah, last night was the most fun I've ever had in my life.

Yeah, no, I can't wait
until you move in here.

Yeah, that's
fantastic. Tonight?

Let me call you back.

What?

It's not working.

What's not working?

The whole Barry thing
is not making me jealous.

Not everything
is about you, Kieran.

Buzz McManus is coming here right now,
to interview me, in my penthouse.

You know the one
you're living in for free?

Figure it out!

Welcome to another edition of "Living Large" with me,
Buzz McManus,

where we see the beautiful and the blessed.

And today we will be doing the penthouse of That Tyler.

Is life better as a celebrity without any actual talents?

Well, yeah.

Well, fantastic!
So here is your foyer.

And over there the TV
set of the "Strangers."

Yeah, actually, we love
to throw this around.

Does it ever bother you to be an integral part of the downfall of America?

What do we have here?

Thank you.

God! What the fuck
are you doing here?

We all remember Lexi,
That's girlfriend from "Strangers."

How are doing?

Great, Buzz.
Ever since Tyler's moved his school buddies in

instead of me--

That's called loyalty.

That's called
immaturity and fear.

My therapist
has you pegged.

Has he pegged you yet?

That's none of your business.
None of this is your business anymore.

Oh, is that your book?
How's your 15 minutes of fame going?

How's your five?

He calls
his unit, Gizmo.

She has IBS.

Tyler shaves
his asshole!

No. Brrr.
No. Stop.

Can we move on?

We move on.

Shaving his asshole.
Fucking loser!

That was
for your birthday.

So are we done here?
Shall we go?

No, actually,
we got my boy Heath.

Oh, I don't know what the fuck this shit is.

It's all good.
What's up, buddy?

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God, bro!

Get the fuck out!

Will you get the fuck
outta here, man?

It looks like
the doctor is in.

I'm so sorry.

How was I
supposed to know?

I got the fucking barricade,
you fucking idiot!

I'm sorry.

It's huge!

This has happened to me and Tyler many times.

Get the fuck outta here!

I'm sorry, man.
How was I supposed to know you'd be diddling your nurse?

Actually, I'm the doctor.
He's the nurse.

Shit.

She's-- You're
not a doctor?

Fuck! Get the fuck out!

Why did you write this?

Uh, I don't know.

'Cause I wanted to.

Sorry, is that--

So you're leaving?

Yeah, I need to.

This place--
This place just isn't me.

Moving in with Erica?

I don't think so.

So where are you going?

Uh, I don't know.

Just-- What about you?

What are you--
Are you?

You didn't
like the story?

I just don't get it, Barry.
You know?

I mean, how did everything
get so effing fucked?

You know,
I was on an excavation on the Sahara

and I spent some
time with a Bedouin.

Anyhow, they, uh,

had a saying.

The hardest tool was
the softly spoken phrase.

I'm sorry.

Dude, you have the ability to unfuck that which has been fucked.

Idiot.

The semester starts
in February

and it runs into mid June so I'll be in Paris until then.

Then I'm going
to go to Barcelona,

Rome--

Don't even know
where you're going.

Prague.

You're going
to Europe by yourself.

Maybe but I have a roommate there already.

we're gonna travel
together. Yeah.

Of course,
there's always room for one more.

Wow.

I don't know.
I don't think so.

Come on.
We could do all kinds of crazy stuff together.

You could
write about it.

A bath could
be involved.

Oh. You want
to take a bath?

You want
to join me?

I-- I-- uh--

Erica.

Thanks a lot, man. I mean,
you don't have to apologize to me, bro.

No, I do. I
do have to apologize

because I was
in the wrong.

I'm sorry you had to see me in that position.

Cheers.

Erica, wait
a minute.

Stop it!
Go away!

Don't walk
away, please.

Get the fuck off of me! How could you,
you lying cheating piece of shit!

How could you?

It's not
what you think.

Oh, thank God it's
not what I think

because I just walked in on you,
naked in bed with some slut!

He finally got laid!

Please, let's
go somewhere--

Jesus, he actually does have a pretty big cock.

I think it was inside your sister, bro.

My sister? My--

My sister! You fucking
touched my sister?

I'll kill you!

Whoa, whoa, wait.

Oh.

Right there.

Tyler's sister?

I'm good, I'm good.

You fucked with--

The awkward, boyish sister?

Let me explain.

Ugh!

That's just cutting the circulation off the brain.

Fucking crazy.

Heath, just
help a little.

I know it's kind of a short notice,
I just decided that I was going--

Hey.

waiting like
I was normally--

Can I talk to you?

I'm on
the phone, Kieran.

Okay, uh,
this is important.

Can I call you back?

What do you want?

I just wanted
to say that--

What do you want
to say, Kieran?

I just wanted
to tell you I'm--

Are you leaving?

No big shocker, huh?
I can't imagine

why I'd want to leave this place.
Right?

You know, I,
I couldn't figure out why you wanted to live here.

And I didn't think you had it in you.
You know, I was wrong.

Because you know what?
You and my brother, you deserve each other.

Trista. Come on.

I'm fine, though.
Okay, Barry?

Okay. You ready?

Yeah, I'm good.
Ah! Fuck!

Jesus!

It relieves
the pressure points.

Get off. I told
you I'm okay.

I'm gonna fucking
kill you, sister fucker.

Oh, I can't even
look at you right now.

Oh, is it that
terrible, Tyler?

Yeah, it is
that terrible, Trista.

It's not like I never
had sex before.

You didn't have
sex before.

A guy penetrated me.

Don't. No-- Nobody's
penetrated you.

I gave blow jobs,
yeah, lots of them,

good ones, swallowing, big, fat, oh!

You're not
doing that.

I won an award
in college.

They don't give
awards for that.

As a matter of fact--

There's something you
don't know about me

but I love having
my brains fucked out!

Threesomes, foursomes,
orgies, gang bangs--

I told you not to hang out with Betty,
that slut!

Missionary, a
lot of doggie--

Reverse cowgirl.

The gun?
What are you doing--

Daisy chains.

There's no fucking--

Yeah, there's
lots of them.

You ever heard
of a hot Carl?

What the fuck is that?

You didn't-- You didn't really do all that,
did you?

No, Heath.

Yeah.

How about
some couscous?

Alright, man.

Yeah.

Couscous?
What the fuck is that?

Come out of your room.

Remember when I burned your Barbies?
You forgave me for that.

Come on.
I'll take you to one of those shitty romantic comedies you like.

Please, come out.
What are you doing in there?

You're by yourself, right?

I'm sorry.

I need a ride to the airport tonight.
Are you taking me or should I call a cab?

What time? There's traffic-- Okay, okay,
I'll take you.

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Mitra.
It's, uh, it's Heath.

Heath the nurse. Ha.

Uh, uh, I'm just calling,
I guess to apologize.

I don't know,
I wrote down this list

about things
that suck about Heath.

Sorry. Sorry for
being fucking stupid.

Sorry for embarrassing you,
I'm just being honest.

I'm still trying to be funny,
I'll still be nice to you.

I'll cuddle you if you could
forgive me or something.

Sucks!
I was in there.

Just call me back,
I don't know.

I'll try not
to fuck up again.

Wow. Of all the places
I never thought I'd see you.

Surprised?

In more ways
than one, Kieran.

You've every
right to hate me.

No, I don't hate you.

Truth is 30 years from now I don't want to
end up like my mother and father either.

Should have ended this
a long time ago.

I know that you wanted to it's just,
I really thought that--

Just, uh, watch out
for the coyotes.

Whoa, look.

No, you look!
I've had a massive crush on him since he was 14!

What? Shut up.

He wasn't the self-centered prick of an
older brother that never had time for me

he was a sweet guy that acted like I existed.

He's dead to me.
I am not self-centered.

Look, we're hanging
out right now, aren't we?

Yeah, feel the love.

Why are we slowing down?

I just gotta go
inside for a bit.

I'll get them
to comp you a drink.

What?

If you go in there,
I'm not gonna be here when you get back.

Come on, Trish,
you know I have to do this kind of stuff.

I'm not coming back.

Ever.

Two minutes.

Sure, Tyler.

Five minutes. Just turn
this and lock your door.

I called his agent an hour ago.
An hour ago!

He's still not here!
I don't believe it!

Hey, Tyler!

Who are you?

Mike Profit,
from Profit Promotions.

How're you doing?

I got you set up in VIP with a bottle on the house.

We got you scheduled for two hours,
30 minutes of photos,

hanging out,
make it seem as natural as you can.

Then Alejandra,
the Putas Locas producer

she's gonna get you geared off with the
camera and set you loose on the audience,

He'll brief you, but you've seen the videos,
ask them their name,

free T-shirts for titties out,
50 bucks for dyking in the bathroom and bla bla bla

and all that
fun stuff, okay?

There you go. Enjoy.

Is there a problem?

Yeah, I can't
really do this.

Man, this isn't
my shit anymore.

Seat taken?

Barry, how
did you find me?

Bro, I spent eight months tracking cheetahs in the Serengeti

I think I can find a 150 pound white dude on the top of a mountain.

So how are
you holding up?

Well, let's see, uh,

My friends hate me,

the girl that I never loved but was gonna move in with

left me, understandably.

And the girl
that I do love

wants to leave me.

Actually, she already left.

There you have it.

But, hey,
I'm still writing. Right?

Pumping out
my terrible reviews

of mind numbing,
suicide inducing Muzak.

I'll tell you what.
I have a buddy that runs a pop culture mag in Hollywood.

I'm sure he can
always use a smart reviewer.

Yeah, music, books,
movies, stuff like that.

You interested?

Yeah, I totally am.
You can hook that up?

Yeah. I can
hook that up.

That's awesome!

But I won't.

Yo, I need to go rub one out real quick.
Okay? Will you be alright?

Yeah. Why are
you telling me this?

See you.

So, uh,
hello, ladies.

Hey.

I read your story
about the girl.

You did?

It's good, man.
You're very talented.

Believe me, if I thought it was shit,
I would tell you.

The question is,
do you want to be a writer

or just someone who writes?

Because if you want to be a writer then you have to get out

and experience things
worth writing about.

Get the fuck out of here and entangle yourself in some drama.

Okay. Well, you know,
I think I've had enough drama--

What? Come on!
No, you haven't!

It's time for you to reach under the bull

and just grab
him by the nuts.

I mean, metaphorically.
Do you understand?

Who are you?

Rwa.

Rwa.

Best friend,
BFF always, uh--

I knew it.

That Tyler.

There you go.
You can go, thank you.

Uh-- No.

Oh, fuck.

Next.

Oh, my God.
Is it really That Tyler?

Misogynistic pig,
please sign my book.

I don't know
what to say.

I'm an idiot.

I have to lie
to get laid.

I don't know what
that look means.

Does that mean that
we're all good,

or is that a look like you're gonna castrate or something?

Come on, Lexi,
I don't want you to be upset anymore.

Upset?

Tyler, I'm not
upset anymore.

I don't care.
I have to care to be upset.

You put your big fat stupid head in the garbage disposal

and I gladly pulled
the switch.

Seriously.

Okay, look. Here,
how about this?

Dear Lexi,

I'm very, very, very,
truly, truly sorry

for ever ever taking
for granted what we had.

Love,

Tyler.

Just give me a few minutes with these people

we can talk after. Okay?

Ugh.

That was, uh--
That was really nice.

I'm actually here
to apologize to you.

Just like a hemorrhoid,
the sister fucker returns.

Where's your copy
of the book?

Tyler, I'm
really sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry, too, sir.
You see the rules?

No book,
you can't be there.

Yeah, but I'm--

No book

Tyler, this is important,
I'm trying to--

Next!

Apologize.

Okay, fine, here. You can take this book.
It's special for you.

I don't give two shits about your fucking book.

I care about you, you know--
I, I care about us.

Take the book.

I care about Trista.

Take the fucking book.

No.

Take the book!

I'm not
taking the book.

I'm not!

Take the fucking book!

Fine! I have
the book, now what?

Oh, you're welcome! You know what?
End of the line for you!

And no
head shot. Go!

Go.

Ugh.

I missed you.

Hm. I know.

Why did you tell that Buzz guy I shaved my asshole?

Because you did.

Yeah, I did it
for you.

Sweet.

That's-- That's
oddly romantic.

Alright, I guess
I gotta catch a cab.

Ugh. Where's Heath?

I think maybe you should wait for a few minutes.

Why?

It's called
courtesy, Kieran.

Alright.

Anybody want
to say goodbye, or,

wish me luck? Tyler?

Good talk!

Alright, I'll
see you, uh--

This is
for my sister.

She'll understand.

What's in the box?

Come on,
what's in the box?

What's in the box?

What are you doing?

How's the doctor?

Was she licking
your balls?

I would never ask her to do something like that.

If she wants to do it I'll let her do it, but,

Not gonna be a dick, like, "Hey, bitch,
lick my balls."

I'll just let her
do it on her own.

Classy.

Yeah.

Alright. So,
guess this goodbye.

Are we hugging,
or--? No?

Awkward to stand around
and nod at each other.

Yeah.

I hope your plane
doesn't crash.

Thanks, that's nice.

At least admit one
thing. You had fun.

You had some fun
in the penthouse.

It was definitely an experience,
let's leave it at that.

You had the best part,

fucking your
sister! Ah!

Oh, God,
I wish I was you.

She's fucking hot!

Alright. But you did
have fun, right?

Fucking your sister?
Hell, yeah!

I'll see you.

Alright.

What?

Out, too.

I'm staying!
Leave me alone!

I'm not gonna
leave! No!

Alright, you can stay,
but you have to pay rent.

You got the fucking
place for free!