The Oyster Princess (1919) - full transcript
Oyster-king Quaker cannot be impressed anymore. He is so rich that he even has a special butler holding his cigar while he is smoking. The only thing Quaker would be impressed by is if his daughter Ossi were to marry a real prince. He makes an offer to the poor prince Nucki, who sends his friend Josef to get a clear idea of the woman.
THE OYSTER PRINCESS.
A Grotesque Comedy in 4 Acts
by Hanns Kraly and Ernst Lubitsch.
Direction: Ernst Lubitsch
Set decoration based on designs by
and under the direction of Kurt Richter,
produced in his own studio.
Technical Direction: Kurt Waschneck.
Cinematography: Theodor Sparkuhl.
Mister Quaker, the Oyster King
of America: Victor Janson
Ossi, his daughter: Ossi Oswalda
Prince Nucki: Harry Liedtke
Josef, Nucki's friend: Julius Falkenstein
Seligson, matchmaker: Max Kronert
The bandleader: Kurt Bois
FIRST ACT.
Quaker dictates his mail.
The good Madam Daughter
has gone stark raving mad.
Why exactly are you throwing
all these newspapers at my head?
Well, the vases have already
all been broken.
It's come to our attention
that the daughter of the shoe-polish king,
Mr Blakpott, has married a count.
That doesn't impress me at all.
I'll buy you a prince.
I'm so happy I could smash
the whole house to pieces.
Seligson the matchmaker.
But he's cross-eyed.
For that price they've all got a little flaw.
Dearest Sir!
As the daughter of the shoe-polish king
has married a count,
and as we all know that shoe-polish
doesn't trump oysters,
I request that you send me a son-in-law
with a pedigree in accordance
with my oysters.
Sincerely, Quaker
Prince Nucki;
Residence: 21st Rue, 47th Floor;
Age: 26 years old;
Appearance: tip-top;
Assets: heavily in debt;
Spec. Attributes: not inclined to marriage.
Ossi is instructed
in the ways of marriage.
You shouldn't hold a child like that!
Well, children really shouldn't be coddled.
Now you've got to apply some powder.
Not on the face?
It all goes on the other end.
Well that's pretty odd.
We haven't got to that point yet.
Someone's ringing.
I'm sure someone was outside
pressing the button.
I'll check to see if we're home.
I'd like to speak with Prince Nucki
about a matter of the heart.
I'll check to see if His Highness
will receive you.
In the meantime have a seat
on the banister.
His Highness bids you to come in.
Don't fall over
Your Highness,
I have a proposal for you -
a charming young girl. -
This tall!!
...and does she have hair -
black as night. -
I go for blondes.
Then she'll just dye it;
with that kind of money
it makes no difference.
Your Little Highness!
My adjutant will look her over first.
Put on my suit, so you look presentable.
It's now been 1-1/2 hours,
and I still haven't got a husband.
If I don't have a husband
within 5 minutes,
I'll demolish the entire house!
Be my guest!
That doesn't impress me at all.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
SECOND ACT.
Josef presents himself to Quaker.
Might I have your card?
PRINCE NUCKI
Take this one for the time being.
PRINCE NUCKI
What do you have to say about that,
Daddy - that the prince is here?
He's to wait in the parlour.
If you come to an agreement, wake me.
These folks know how to live!!
Josef grows impatient.
Where is the good madam?
In the bath!
- And the good gentleman?
Asleep!
Well, what am I supposed to do
with myself here?
Wait!!!
His Highness the Prince
is growing impatient.
That doesn't impress me at all.
The good madam in person.
In with her.
Smells good.
Good Lord he looks dumb.
Oh well, he is a prince after all.
So you want to marry me?
Is that what you want or isn't it?!
Of course that's what I want -
just don't throw anything.
Don't you want to introduce me
to your father first?
Since it's such a trifle,
we don't want to wake him up.
On the way to the ceremony.
We'd like to get married quick.
Prince Nucki, do you take Ms Quaker
to be your wife?
You don't even have to ask -
he's got nothing to say on the matter.
But didn't I get to sit up front earlier?
Yes, but we weren't married yet then.
Tell the servants that I am your husband.
They wouldn't buy it.
I hereby introduce you to my husband.
Well, you see how pleased they are.
Go into my father's bedroom
and introduce yourself.
What's the nearest route
to Mr Quaker's bedroom?
I'll provide you with a blueprint
of the manor.
Bon voyage.
Come blow my nose.
Well now, who might you be?
Why this is my husband.
...and here you are blowing my nose?
Oh, it stays in the family.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
THIRD ACT.
On account of the rush,
the wedding celebration includes
only the closest family members.
Excuse me for introducing you
to my son-in-law.
Don't be such a pig!
Say a few words.
It's been a long time
since I've had such a good meal.
In the course of the celebration,
a foxtrot epidemic suddenly breaks out.
Not so exuberant -
think about your family tree.
Oh, bollocks!
Do you foxtrot?
What will your husband the prince
have to say about this?
I could do with a wedding
like this every day.
Every day pickled herring, -
that's bitter.
Nucki is called upon by his friends
to go for a stroll.
Would you perhaps be able to lend me
a little something?
The wedding nears its end.
I'm sweating like an ape.
Everyone sweats as he's able.
Whereabouts is your husband?
I'm so very happy-
Why did you get married then?
Shame on you! -
Why you're...
I'm so very happy!
What can be done, will be done.
Here are my rooms,
there are your rooms.
Ohhhhh
Go on and call me your sweetie...
Please remove this gentleman.
What a shame,
and I was just in the mood.
I'm so very happy-
END OF THE THIRD ACT.
FOURTH ACT.
Nucki comes back from his stroll.
My child, you look pale.
The Association of Millionaires' Daughters
for the Prevention of Dipsomania
holds an official breakfast for young ladies.
...and so I say, in closing:
"Down with dipsomania!"
If consulting hours aren't held soon,
the patients will sober up
on their own.
The association's patients.
A shame about the lovely schnapps.
Hold onto me tightly, my ladies.
Everyone out. I'll cure him.
No!!!
All right then - we'll settle the matter
with a boxing match.
Let go of me, my ladies!
Fight, fight.
So now it's your turn.
Bring the gentleman to my car;
I'm taking him on a private session.
Careful!
Put the gentleman
in my husband's bedroom.
The good master is still asleep.
Then take him into my bedroom.
Mousey.
Little Mousey.
Shut it!
Well if that doesn't just take the biscuit!
I'm telling the old man about this.
These aren't my trousers.
Do you have any idea where you are?
With you!
Well, do you know who I am?
A sweet little snail.
Do you know
that you're a delightful kisser?
Well, I never!
Please.
A pity that you're married.
I have to get married too.
Do you know that you're both married
to one another?
I got married in your name.
The real wedding.
NOW, THAT IMPRESSES ME.
A Grotesque Comedy in 4 Acts
by Hanns Kraly and Ernst Lubitsch.
Direction: Ernst Lubitsch
Set decoration based on designs by
and under the direction of Kurt Richter,
produced in his own studio.
Technical Direction: Kurt Waschneck.
Cinematography: Theodor Sparkuhl.
Mister Quaker, the Oyster King
of America: Victor Janson
Ossi, his daughter: Ossi Oswalda
Prince Nucki: Harry Liedtke
Josef, Nucki's friend: Julius Falkenstein
Seligson, matchmaker: Max Kronert
The bandleader: Kurt Bois
FIRST ACT.
Quaker dictates his mail.
The good Madam Daughter
has gone stark raving mad.
Why exactly are you throwing
all these newspapers at my head?
Well, the vases have already
all been broken.
It's come to our attention
that the daughter of the shoe-polish king,
Mr Blakpott, has married a count.
That doesn't impress me at all.
I'll buy you a prince.
I'm so happy I could smash
the whole house to pieces.
Seligson the matchmaker.
But he's cross-eyed.
For that price they've all got a little flaw.
Dearest Sir!
As the daughter of the shoe-polish king
has married a count,
and as we all know that shoe-polish
doesn't trump oysters,
I request that you send me a son-in-law
with a pedigree in accordance
with my oysters.
Sincerely, Quaker
Prince Nucki;
Residence: 21st Rue, 47th Floor;
Age: 26 years old;
Appearance: tip-top;
Assets: heavily in debt;
Spec. Attributes: not inclined to marriage.
Ossi is instructed
in the ways of marriage.
You shouldn't hold a child like that!
Well, children really shouldn't be coddled.
Now you've got to apply some powder.
Not on the face?
It all goes on the other end.
Well that's pretty odd.
We haven't got to that point yet.
Someone's ringing.
I'm sure someone was outside
pressing the button.
I'll check to see if we're home.
I'd like to speak with Prince Nucki
about a matter of the heart.
I'll check to see if His Highness
will receive you.
In the meantime have a seat
on the banister.
His Highness bids you to come in.
Don't fall over
Your Highness,
I have a proposal for you -
a charming young girl. -
This tall!!
...and does she have hair -
black as night. -
I go for blondes.
Then she'll just dye it;
with that kind of money
it makes no difference.
Your Little Highness!
My adjutant will look her over first.
Put on my suit, so you look presentable.
It's now been 1-1/2 hours,
and I still haven't got a husband.
If I don't have a husband
within 5 minutes,
I'll demolish the entire house!
Be my guest!
That doesn't impress me at all.
END OF THE FIRST ACT.
SECOND ACT.
Josef presents himself to Quaker.
Might I have your card?
PRINCE NUCKI
Take this one for the time being.
PRINCE NUCKI
What do you have to say about that,
Daddy - that the prince is here?
He's to wait in the parlour.
If you come to an agreement, wake me.
These folks know how to live!!
Josef grows impatient.
Where is the good madam?
In the bath!
- And the good gentleman?
Asleep!
Well, what am I supposed to do
with myself here?
Wait!!!
His Highness the Prince
is growing impatient.
That doesn't impress me at all.
The good madam in person.
In with her.
Smells good.
Good Lord he looks dumb.
Oh well, he is a prince after all.
So you want to marry me?
Is that what you want or isn't it?!
Of course that's what I want -
just don't throw anything.
Don't you want to introduce me
to your father first?
Since it's such a trifle,
we don't want to wake him up.
On the way to the ceremony.
We'd like to get married quick.
Prince Nucki, do you take Ms Quaker
to be your wife?
You don't even have to ask -
he's got nothing to say on the matter.
But didn't I get to sit up front earlier?
Yes, but we weren't married yet then.
Tell the servants that I am your husband.
They wouldn't buy it.
I hereby introduce you to my husband.
Well, you see how pleased they are.
Go into my father's bedroom
and introduce yourself.
What's the nearest route
to Mr Quaker's bedroom?
I'll provide you with a blueprint
of the manor.
Bon voyage.
Come blow my nose.
Well now, who might you be?
Why this is my husband.
...and here you are blowing my nose?
Oh, it stays in the family.
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
THIRD ACT.
On account of the rush,
the wedding celebration includes
only the closest family members.
Excuse me for introducing you
to my son-in-law.
Don't be such a pig!
Say a few words.
It's been a long time
since I've had such a good meal.
In the course of the celebration,
a foxtrot epidemic suddenly breaks out.
Not so exuberant -
think about your family tree.
Oh, bollocks!
Do you foxtrot?
What will your husband the prince
have to say about this?
I could do with a wedding
like this every day.
Every day pickled herring, -
that's bitter.
Nucki is called upon by his friends
to go for a stroll.
Would you perhaps be able to lend me
a little something?
The wedding nears its end.
I'm sweating like an ape.
Everyone sweats as he's able.
Whereabouts is your husband?
I'm so very happy-
Why did you get married then?
Shame on you! -
Why you're...
I'm so very happy!
What can be done, will be done.
Here are my rooms,
there are your rooms.
Ohhhhh
Go on and call me your sweetie...
Please remove this gentleman.
What a shame,
and I was just in the mood.
I'm so very happy-
END OF THE THIRD ACT.
FOURTH ACT.
Nucki comes back from his stroll.
My child, you look pale.
The Association of Millionaires' Daughters
for the Prevention of Dipsomania
holds an official breakfast for young ladies.
...and so I say, in closing:
"Down with dipsomania!"
If consulting hours aren't held soon,
the patients will sober up
on their own.
The association's patients.
A shame about the lovely schnapps.
Hold onto me tightly, my ladies.
Everyone out. I'll cure him.
No!!!
All right then - we'll settle the matter
with a boxing match.
Let go of me, my ladies!
Fight, fight.
So now it's your turn.
Bring the gentleman to my car;
I'm taking him on a private session.
Careful!
Put the gentleman
in my husband's bedroom.
The good master is still asleep.
Then take him into my bedroom.
Mousey.
Little Mousey.
Shut it!
Well if that doesn't just take the biscuit!
I'm telling the old man about this.
These aren't my trousers.
Do you have any idea where you are?
With you!
Well, do you know who I am?
A sweet little snail.
Do you know
that you're a delightful kisser?
Well, I never!
Please.
A pity that you're married.
I have to get married too.
Do you know that you're both married
to one another?
I got married in your name.
The real wedding.
NOW, THAT IMPRESSES ME.