The Oldest Profession (1967) - full transcript

THE OLDEST PROFESSION

"LOVE THROUGH THE AGES"

THE PREHISTORIC ERA

Prehistoric people were very carefree.

In 20,000 years,

scientists will seek our past
in their footsteps but won't find much:

a few banal artifacts

from which they'll try
to understand prehistoric man,

but they'll get it all wrong.

Actually, prehistoric people
were quite similar to us,

with certain differences
that give them prehistoric charm.



They're very clever.

They soon discovered an important fact.

There are two kinds of living creatures:

male

and female.

This discovery gave them
great satisfaction

and provided
an agreeable seasonal pastime.

Each time the sun arrives
at a certain point on the horizon,

they play "Catch Me If You Can."

They join their bodies
in a way of their own invention.

With commendable understanding
and cooperation,

they share everything:
men, women, and children.

They couple briefly
without unnecessary complications.

Life in the tribe is peaceful.



It would've stayed that way
if it weren't for Brit,

a pleasant girl, but very troubling.

It's as if Brit knows things
the others don't.

But what things? Where did she learn them?

We don't have the answers,
at least for now.

But it's clear
that Brit doesn't play like the others.

She refuses the communal rules.

Brit is the New Wave of the Stone Age.

In these parts,
strange birds lay bizarre eggs

containing the colors of their feathers.

Thus, yolks can be red, blue,

and sometimes even yellow.

Brit makes the boys
have egg on their face.

Funny girl. Will she ruin
the carefree life of prehistoric man?

Rak!

- Where are you?
- Over here.

You're late, Brit, as usual.

It's not my fault.
I was running and there were...

One, two, three...

Here they come.

Can't you leave her alone?

Let me see.

- Did they color themselves for you?
- No, I did it.

Well done.

Go. She's mating with me. See you later.

Now they're fighting over you.
Let's get to work.

You know it's mating season.
Make up your mind.

Pick two or three.

- I don't want to make love.
- But it's so relaxing!

That depends.

It's probably not much fun
when you don't want to.

And after, the children...

Hold the pose.

What do you mean, children?

Nothing. Just an idea.

What idea?

- Children...
- Hold still.

What do children have to do with it?

Everything. That's how they're made.

Like this?

How can you say such silly things?

Everyone knows where children come from.

It's the sun, the thunder,

the eagle flying by.

It's the rain. It's a fact, ask any woman.

"This child came in the morning
from the mountains, then..."

"I fell asleep like usual.
I didn't feel a thing, then..."

Watch out, you're getting superstitious.

Anything can make a child, except men.

It's men.

Just hold still.

Where did you get such an idea?

- From watching the sheep.
- The sheep?

They also mate,

and after five moons,
they always have lambs.

I've seen it.

No, Brit.

Sheep? You're crazy!

Besides, sheep are sheep.
I'm nothing like them.

- Why not?
- Because I'm not made like sheep!

Haven't you noticed?

Ask a sheep to draw your portrait.
They can't.

- We're children of the sun.
- So are sheep.

Brit, this won't end well.

I'm not in the mood to paint. Come on.

Want to mate with me?
Get it out of the way?

No.

Maybe. Not now.

Let's go for a walk.
I'll teach you something.

Come on.

Look how sweet.

With your idea, you'll ruin all their fun.

Tell no one that silly idea of yours.

- Even if it's true?
- Yes. But it's not.

Look.

Don't ever tell them, Brit.

- Why not? Would they kill me?
- Worse. They'd believe you.

- So?
- It'd be awful.

The men would want to keep
the children they believe they made

and the women too.

- And then?
- It would be hellish.

Today, the children belong to the tribe,

the men to all the women,
the women to all the men.

Don't you see?
Your idea would end all that.

Look.

Brit!

Now that I've explained,
will you mate with me?

No.

It's the man from the sea! Good-bye!

Brit! You're leaving me?

If you don't tell anyone your idea,
I'll give you a lovely present!

Stand back, children.

Be good or a dinosaur will eat you.

No pushing, please.
It's only for grown-ups.

I've got everything you need.

Come one and all!

I have so many treasures,
but not for long. Hurry up!

Take a look
at my beautiful things for trade.

I'll trade this lovely necklace
for two chickens.

Not so fast!
If you want the necklace, give me...

Hello.

You're Brit?

What do you want?

A comb? This necklace?

Authentic ostrich tooth, very rare.

- What do you want?
- You. Come with me.

- When?
- Now.

No, tomorrow.

You know, as men go,

I'm a tough egg to crack.

I'm in high demand. Put your name
on the list and you might get a turn.

So sorry.

Brit!

How about this hat?

Isn't it cute?

He doesn't want me!

He goes with all the others, but not me.

Tomorrow, he said.

Can you believe that?

Until tomorrow, mate with me.

No! He's the one I want.

You promised me a gift.
Give me the man from the sea.

Right now! I want him right now!

I want to hit him, bite him on the nose.

I want him to beg forgiveness.

Oh, the brute!

I love him!

"Love him"?

What does that mean?

Love...

I don't know.

Rak, why did he refuse me?

Am I that ugly?

You're uglier and dirtier
than one of my creations.

Creations...

Light!

In these new modern caves,
you can't see a thing.

Wait.

Close your eyes. No, open them.

Hold it.

Wait, like that.

Yes!

That's it!

What a great idea!

Brit, I'll make you a present,
although you haven't earned it.

Come with me.

Over there.

Sit down.

You're pretty,
but I'll make you beautiful.

Don't worry, I'll take care of everything.

Stay like that. Inspire me.

Yellow.

Blue.

Who knows, Brit? This idea...

Hold still.

...about children and sheep.

I've thought it over.

I'm absolutely certain
you mustn't tell anyone.

Stay like that. Forget that nonsense.

Think only of being beautiful.

Beautiful to please men,
and now you won't refuse them.

Close your eyes.

Your sheep won't recognize you!

Neither will the man from the sea.

Sheep mate because they must,
but we do it for pleasure.

That changes everything.

- How about tonight?
- I told you, no.

- You seemed willing before.
- I don't feel like it now.

What a shame.

Listen, Brit.

Listen, all of you, this is serious!

You know you can count on my discretion,
but some things get around.

All your neighbors will say...

that your women...

refuse themselves to men
who offer themselves.

They'll say you're immoral!

What can you do?

Want me to sing?

To dance?

- You're not very strong.
- Me?

Who's the strongest?

Watch.

Well?

Is that all you can do?

Brit.

No. Another time.

When you come back, if I feel like it.

What do you want, Brit?

I am rich, very rich.

After tomorrow's trading,
I'll be even richer.

One necklace,

two necklaces...

three necklaces...

Shall I dance for you?

What are you up to now?
You're even crazier than before.

Were you a hit tonight?

Where did you trade all that?

Did you steal them?

From the stranger, the man from the sea?

Tell me what happened.

Tell me.

He gave me everything.

- Everything!
- Why?

To spend the night with me.

To spend the night with you?

And then bang, bang...

Unbelievable.

Rak.

About the children and the sheep,

you were right.

We're very different.

Now that's an important discovery!

ROMAN NIGHTS

Tonight I sing of one
whose supernatural beauty

sets aflutter the hearts of poets.

Tonight I sing the praise of one who,
as virtuous as Juno,

as wise as Minerva,

as dazzling as Venus
rising from the sea foam,

is the toast of the Roman Empire.

Yes, I sing of the spouse
of our venerated Caesar.

Compared to her,
the most famous beauties pale,

although they were the pride of our city.

She puts to shame Camilla, Lucretia,

Cornelia, Calpurnia,

Pompeia, Julia -

- I'm not finished yet.
- Is there much more?

The list of beauties is long, Caesar.

- Shall I go on?
- No. Call the minstrels -

- No, the dancers.
- The dancers, quickly!

To your poems I prefer the beauty
of the one who inspires them.

The emperor's feasts used to be lavish.

Now the tradition's dying.
It's more and more frugal.

When I leave the palace, I'm still hungry.

This is the first empress to watch dancers
with a professional eye.

They say that when Caesar met her,
she was a mere ballerina.

That foreigner is quite a climber.

Her exotic accent amuses the emperor.

It seems the emperor
is in financial difficulty.

He now refuses to lend us money.

Instead, he asks to borrow from us.

The gods are no longer with us.

You call this a dance troupe?

Tonight it's a solo performance.
But it's splendid.

And you call that an orchestra?

I thought a small orchestra
would be more intimate.

- And the drummers?
- They promised they'd come, Caesar.

And my rose petals?
I want to be showered in rose petals!

I'll send for them right away.

Bring the rose petals. Hurry!

- The petals are all gone.
- What? We had plenty.

- The rose petals?
- Eaten by a hungry slave.

Catch him and feed him to the eels!

The last three eels
were served to tonight's guests.

Silence! I don't want to hear it!

Have him devoured!
Remember who's in charge here: me!

- Caesar.
- Yes, Domitilla?

- I'd like to retire.
- As you wish. Give me a kiss.

Don't be too long.

Everybody out!

Get out, everyone, quickly!
I feel a tantrum coming on.

Don't bother saying good-bye.
My time is precious.

No, you stay.

I salute you, Caesar.

- Good-bye.
- A wonderful evening.

Thank you and good night.

That means you too! Everybody out!

Have you eaten?

That's right, you recited while we ate.

Poets are always hungry, true?

Some fruit from my garden?
I just got some grapes.

Where did they go?
They must've been eaten.

Come.

There they are. Eat.

They're having fun outside.

Dancing in the streets.

The people enjoy themselves.

Ever since I set foot in this palace,
I've been bored.

It's been four months
since I lost my legions in Africa.

- I suppose a war would amuse you?
- Peace is bad for the empire.

You're right.
The Romans are losing their virility.

In the time of Augustus,
the games had up to 10,000 fighters,

and slaves finished off
the losers with hammers.

Back then, they knew how to have fun.

It's the same with love.
It's so monotonous now.

I lie beside the empress,
but what I need is a temptress.

I'm so bored.

All you need is a little titillation.

You need new sensations to stimulate you.

In such a case,

you call on certain beauties
who know their trade...

true specialists!

- You know some?
- There are places they can be found.

At the Greek's, there's a dizzying array
of exceptional harlots.

Exceptionally expensive too,
but the atmosphere is so elegant.

We discuss art and poetry.

Poetry sounds great.
I'll say good night to the empress.

Well?

Well, what?

Caesar, have you nothing to say?

Me? No.

I'm sorry, but duty calls.

I must work with my poet
on my speech for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be quite a day.

You could make tonight quite a night.

I must think of the empire.

- You and your empire...
- Yes, I'm quite exceptional.

What gorgeous jewels!
Where did you get those?

They must've cost a fortune.

No, I got a fantastic deal.
You wouldn't believe the price.

I'm glad to hear it.

But now I must work.

Don't wait up. I'll surely be quite late.

Give me a kiss?

During the three days of Saturnalia,
it's total licentiousness.

The latest trend is
to parade through the streets.

The boys dress as girls
and the girls dress as boys,

so be careful, Caesar -

Don't call me that. I'm incognito.

But where is the Greek's?
I'm getting impatient.

- It's just over there.
- So it is!

As I was saying, you need to be careful.

With those disguises,
I was fooled last night.

I saw a pretty girl,
and I thought, "That's a boy."

But it wasn't! I checked. It was a girl!

Isn't that funny?

Excuse me, Caesar. If I'm so familiar,
it's to keep you incognito.

I'll introduce you to the Greek.
She's a woman of the world.

- Where is her house?
- It's an exceptional place.

The Roman elite discusses
philosophy there every night.

I don't know what
posterity will make of us.

They might say we were indecent,

but they couldn't deny
we knew how to live.

My reign will go down in history
as one of the rare gay periods.

Is your mistress in?

She's always here
for you and your friends.

Enter, dear friend.

I like it already.

Why are you so late tonight?

I was stuck at one of those boring -

My dear,
you grow more attractive each day.

I can see why our girls
are so crazy about you.

What an attractive crowd!

An elegant clientele,
but too well behaved.

- Just wait until things heat up.
- I certainly hope so.

This evening had better end in an orgy.

A good old Roman orgy!

What a handsome man.
One of your friends, Menippo?

Yes, a friend who's visiting,

a military man here for some relaxation.

Allow me to present Madame Minerva.

Such smooth hands!

- You must be a general.
- Excellent guess.

Thank you, Menippo,
for bringing such a distinguished friend.

I'll welcome him
with every honor due to his rank.

If he wishes, I can give him
a marvelous companion, dazzling,

with an incredible body.

- Where is she?
- I understand your impatience.

Elvira, take our guest to the Oriental.

While I'm gone,
recite some poetry in honor of beauty.

Good luck, General.

Follow me.

- The senator wants a Negress next.
- He can't get enough!

She's in there.

- The Oriental?
- Yes.

And don't forget my tip.

Now go.

Don't be afraid. Come in.

Are you the Oriental?

- What's your name?
- It's Domitilla,

and I'm the empress!

- What are you doing here?
- Pig! Sex maniac! Pervert!

Quiet, everyone will hear.

You thought I believed your lies?

"Darling, tomorrow I give
a speech for the empire."

Empire?

Then I find you here!
You're nothing but a pig!

- They'll hear you.
- I hope they do!

Domitilla!

You lied to me.
Then I find you here in this den of sin.

You were here before me.

Because I followed you, to trap you.
I'll yell to the whole forum.

Caesar Flavius is a pig!
He is the dishonor of Rome!

Will you be quiet? My opponents will hear!

Perhaps. The women will take my side.

A lying husband can only lead
to a catastrophe!

Forgive me, darling. How about a gift?

- Cleopatra's necklaces?
- I don't want that old stuff.

- I'll give you the imperial treasury.
- It's empty!

Don't try to bribe me
as if I were one of these whores!

But...

You're beautiful.

And your anger makes you
even more beautiful.

I'm beautiful,
but you sleep with other women.

I see you with new eyes! You're a tigress!

Let me tame you!

- What are you doing?
- Come closer, I've something to tell you.

- At home, you're not so talkative.
- Tonight, I swear I could talk all night.

- Besides, I've paid.
- So what are you waiting for?

Forgive me, my darling.

I don't know why I said that.

You're so handsome.

Yes, I am.

- Priscilla.
- Yes?

Give the Oriental her money
when she leaves.

- The Oriental, very well.
- Don't let the general see.

Come on.

- Happy?
- Of course. Just a bit tired.

Why did you dress up as an Oriental?

I wanted to please you.

I wanted to save our love.

I ran to there to revive our passion.

- How did you know I'd be there?
- Everyone knows you visit such places.

I might've gone to Sabulla's
two or three times...

Okay, five times. But this was
my first visit to the Greek's.

You're lying again.

It's the truth, Domitilla.

I've never been to the Greek's before,
but I intend to go back often.

- Go back?
- With you.

- At the Greek's, it was very arousing.
- Darling!

I know what's wrong. Our bed is too high.

Caesar!

The one at the Greek's was lower.
I'll buy it.

- Domitilla, lie down with me.
- I'm so tired.

Of course you are.
Let me help you with that.

What a marvelous night!

For three pieces of gold,
I rediscovered our love.

Unbelievable...

Even empresses do it.

Now that's a profession with a future!

Fresh fish! Lovely carp!
Down with the aristocrats!

Fraternal salutations, Citizen Mimi.

- How much?
- Two sous.

Too expensive.

Mimi!

You again?

Please, Mimi.

- You don't have any money.
- I've got two sous.

Then you'll get two sous' worth.

Don't dawdle.

SAY THANK YOU

- Charity, citizen?
- Loafer.

You old miser!

Miser?

Rat eater, puke stocking, flea trap!

Filthy toad!

What is this republic coming to?

- Where does that girl Mimi live?
- Hold on. Upstairs.

- Stop yelling, Toinette, I'm right here.
- Oh, Mimi.

- What is it?
- A man. He's brought a bed.

They bring their own now!

A present from Citizen Arthur,

secretary of the Subcommittee
of Servant Reclassification. My boss.

- Adorable!
- Who, me?

No, the bed.

He treats you right. So classy!

- Who, me?
- No, the bed.

You always get the good ones. Not me.

Watch your mouth and think big.
That's the secret.

Hurry up.
I'd rather be in it than carrying it.

Bring it upstairs.

They send you gifts.
You've got nice clients.

Nice, but not very distinguished.
Nobodies.

I've always dreamt of having a gentleman.

All I get is executioners,
jailers, court clerks,

and secretaries of subcommittees
of reclassifying... whatever.

I never get any nobles.

How about my tip? Shall I take it in kind?

What naughty girls! You cheer me up.

Nice guy. I'd better run.
I've got clients coming.

What are you doing there?

- My name's Philibert.
- So what?

I'm looking for Mademoiselle Mimi.
I hope you're her.

I am. Why?

A friend gave me your address.

He wasn't lying. You're magnificent.

I saw you come up the stairs
as light as a cloud, a fairy.

Follow me.

Keep out of sight and wait for me.

There you are! Do you like it?

- Is it marble?
- Could I lift it if it were?

Put it here.

Mimi, you dirty girl!

Joseph, a republican commissioner
should show self-control.

You behave like a beast.

I can't help myself. I'm on fire!

- When can we...
- Joseph.

When can we get married?

- How was work?
- Quite good.

I rounded up about a dozen.

A count, three dukes, a marquis,
some sympathizers.

Enough to put on a fine show.

Look!

They've just beheaded another.

- And my money?
- That's all you care about.

Here. You wanted an apartment
in a nice area, you got it.

A window overlooking the guillotine,
you got it.

- Still renting it out?
- As long as they cut off heads!

That window is steady income.
We can get married soon.

Why not?

I give you everything
and get nothing in return.

Don't you like me anymore?

I don't like that a commissioner
sleeps with his intended bride

as if she were a trollop.

Marriage is a sacrament.

I must think it over.

I'd better be going.

- Shall I bring you a little gift?
- Yes.

- A piece of furniture?
- Fine, fine.

See you next week?

- Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- What?

You know what I mean.

I may be old, but I'm not blind.

What a dirty girl!

Did you come here
for the window or for me?

For you.

I don't have many musicians
in my clientele.

Mostly businessmen, people with money.

Money!

Know what I mean?

It's kind of you to visit,
but I'm expecting a Corsican captain.

A young man with a future.
We may get married. So let's hurry.

I hope he's not early.

I've already had two clients,
he makes three,

the other makes four...

What's he doing?

Four clients, four louis each...
How much is that?

Four times four is sixteen.

Did your friend tell you
my preferred payment?

Always gold, never paper.

I don't trust bank notes, do you?

We were all born to love,
and look what happens.

The bloodthirsty crowd,

the guards, their pikes...

the guillotine, the basket.

I'm not being paid to philosophize
but to make love!

I'm expecting someone, so hurry up.

- There's the executioner.
- I know him. He's just a man.

Not to me, madame.

Right. I get it.

You came for the window and not for me.

The window is more expensive, young man.

It's five louis. Time to pay.

Exactly. One minute more, madame.

At his age,

getting excited about bloodshed.

It's shameless.

When I offer every worldly pleasure,
even chocolate.

- You're a violinist?
- Yes.

Liar!

A hidden weapon!
You're plotting something.

- Scram, I don't want any trouble.
- Give me one minute, madame.

One minute, executioner.

You're certainly complicated.

For old guys, it gets them in the mood.

I almost got myself strangled once.

He was really something.

I never could do two things at once.

I can talk if I like!

They're cutting off his shirt.

They're removing the wig.

They've shown him the crucifix.

I don't see how God can stand it.

Are you feeling faint? My vinegar...

It's done!

What's done?

My uncle, the marquis, croaked!

Marquis Croaked?

My uncle, Aguirron de Montalbert,
my only family!

- The rascal is dead!
- One of those dirty -

I mean, one of those aristocrats?

Darling, when I arrived, I was poor,
unable to honor you.

But now I have the means,
Mademoiselle Mimi.

I'll give you all you desire.

Normally, it's four louis.

Four? Fourteen, like King Louis.
Whatever you desire!

Oh, I understand.

The sword.

And you didn't say anything, Marquis.

I ought to have guessed.

Your noble air.

And now, no family.

I must go.

What? Will I see you again?

Thank you, Mimi.

I'll never forget our first meeting.

Thank you for the window.

Farewell.

I'm busy, it's true, but stay awhile.

I haven't a sou on me.

- That's silly, isn't it?
- Yes, it's silly.

Without a sou...

Yet I inherit...

a castle, with woods...

with farms,

and with kennels.

Will you go hunting?

We get up before dawn.
The horn sounds on the lawn.

The servants fill the coaches
with provisions.

The uniforms, bright as birds
in the morning light.

It's like I were there.

And why not?

- You'd take me?
- With joy, Mademoiselle Mimi!

But not like this, I'd need new clothes.

Of course.

On your fair head,
a tricornered velvet hat.

On your shoulders, an ermine cape.

I will wrap you in silk.

I will... Too complicated.

I will cover your legs

with boots made from Swedish antelope.

The pack is waiting.

You're the belle of the hunt.

Will they accept me?

They'll do as I command.

Know what? I saw a white pigeon
at my window this morning.

I knew it'd be a good day.

Are you superstitious?

I am, although I know it's silly.

Once for example...

believe it or not,

I woke up, got dressed,
and put on my shoes...

Yes, there.

I put my left shoe on my right foot
and thought, "That's a bad sign,

but what's done is done," and left it.

Believe it or not,
my feet were aching all day.

Can't you be quiet?

- You believe in my white pigeon?
- Yes, dearest.

To go hunting, to dress all in silk,

so pretty and formfitting...

Philibert de Montalbert.
It sounds like a trumpet!

Lots of servants.
And candles! All over the place.

- Can't you ever be quiet?
- When I'm happy I just have to talk.

To think I took you for a musician!
I'm so silly.

You didn't like your uncle?

My sweet, my adorable...

We can't like everyone.

What are you doing, Marquis?

Only an aristocrat
would know a trick like that.

You'd think I'd know them all,
yet I learn something every day.

Be quiet.

You can talk if you like.

Right. I have to go now.

Surely you've got a minute?

I don't want to meet your captain,
especially if he's Corsican.

- I must rush.
- To the notary?

The notary?

Of course, the notary.

Aren't inheritances wonderful?
They croak and you're rich.

- See you tomorrow.
- Yes, tomorrow.

What would you like me to wear?

I don't know...

Just a little bow and nothing else.

What aristocratic taste!

Did someone knock?

Someone knocked.

He certainly loves to knock things around.

Hey...

I think I'll tell him to get lost!

I'd rather not meet him.

Then... I won't let him in.

Oh, no. Don't start trouble.

Especially since,

at first, we'll need a cash income.

- We will?
- Yes.

Money for the notary and to live on
until the papers are signed...

How long will that take?

I don't know. Maybe months.

This is no time for you to quit,

especially if I live here
until it's settled.

We need to plan ahead, you know?

I understand.

Come on.

Go out the back door.

I'll do my best. You're right,
this is no time to stop working.

Madame de Montalbert,
I'll run to the notary!

I love the way that sounds.

Coming!

I'll make him pay double for you,
the mean old skinflint.

- I'm all yours.
- I know, but...

Be nice with the others.

I'm not used to waiting.

Hey, Napoleon, who do you think you are?

I know exactly who I am.
Quick, quick, we must be quick.

Quick, quick... That's all he ever says.

- Well?
- Wait, I have to return the clothes.

- Did it work?
- Amazingly!

- Without paying a sou?
- As if I had any!

Do you think I might try too?

Antoine, let me tell you something.

Pay him.

Every tart's dream is to become a lady.

But you can't offer them a title every day

by inventing
an uncle who's been guillotined.

- I'll have to find something else.
- Exactly.

Women need to be generous,

but men need ideas!

THE GAY NINETIES

Outrageous!

Married men taking out their own wives.

It's cheaper.

Unfair competition
is killing this business.

It's not dead yet.
Someone's looking at you.

Where?

Don't look now. If you're too eager,

it lowers the price.

Behind you, at the private table.

Look at lover boy! No, thanks.
You sure he's not after you?

I always know who they're looking at.

- You're sure it's me?
- Move and find out.

You're right.

- What did I tell you?
- Lucky for him, business is slow.

Look at that tie pin.

That's the real deal.

He's not much of a tipper.

You give better service than a waiter.

Fine. I'll close my eyes

and think of the emperor.

The emperor? Why?

His picture is on the 100-franc note.

Allow me.

Sorry about the door.

- It's no bother at all...
- The door. What manners!

I'm so sorry.

- Please come in.
- Nice place! So modern.

Actually, it's my friend's place.

- I thought so. Too bad.
- Why do you say that?

Because I don't look like the type to...

No, you do!

Isn't there a bed?

A bed? Of course. I'll show you.

Quite plush for a bachelor pad.

I mean, a love nest.

Aren't you going to take off your coat?

Of course I will.

- Shall I turn off the light?
- No.

Fine, we'll leave it on.

No.

Make up your mind. On or off?

Something in between.

- Soft lighting.
- Whatever you say. Just a matter of taste.

There. How's that?

I'm not so sure.

Now aren't you complicated?

What do you want?
Moonlight, a storm, a midsummer's night?

You act as if this were
the first time you...

Well, yes and no. I mean,

to use a musical metaphor,

you could say I'm a pianist
who's a bit out of practice.

What made you decide
to take up music again?

You're so charming, so elegant...

Then let's make
some beautiful music together.

Hold on. Get undressed first.

Think of the emperor.

- What did you say?
- I said I love the Emperor Waltz.

Oh, I see.

The Emperor Waltz.

Perhaps we should turn off the light.

How can we read the notes in the dark?

I know this song by heart.

Hey, Mr. Pianist! Wake up!

I want my money.

Musicians!
Two notes and the concert's over.

Hello, Emperor!

"Baron Édouard von Hannover.
President-Director, Bank of Hannover."

A banker?

Thank you.

After you.

Oh, silly me!

I'm forgetting a detail.

An important detail.

For you.

But why? What are you doing?

I'm sorry. It must not be enough.
We didn't discuss the price.

That's what I paid last year in Innsbruck.

What?

- You want to pay me?
- Listen, I thought that...

You thought...

You thought...

Don't you see you've won my heart?

But what are you saying?

It's not possible. How incredible!

I'd never have dreamed...

Darling! I don't even know your name.

Nini.

I'm Édouard.

Please forgive me, Nini.

- I was so happy in your arms!
- Don't cry, Nini...

With one look, I fell for you.

One look?

Last night,

when I saw you at the Femina...

You fell for me? Me?

Yes.

- Don't act so innocent.
- Innocent?

So with one look...

I fell for you.
And last night, your hands...

My hands?

Your caressing hands.

Do you know you have beautiful hands?

Oh, yes.

Has no one ever told you
your hands are magic?

I don't think so, not often.

Women are so blind.

You were right,
it's much better in the dark.

It's the classic way.

But to play classical,
one must be a virtuoso.

I didn't even do
anything special last night.

Goodness!

What is it like
when you really make an effort?

I can't help wondering myself.

Plus, you've a great sense of humor.

That's true.

I've been told I'm very witty.

Émile, I'm madly in love with you.

It's not Émile, it's Édouard.

Édouard.

You're really quite a man.

A real man.

You must be a lady-killer.

- You're the only -
- No, don't lie.

Always tell me the truth. Promise?

Even if it might be embarrassing for you.

Embarrassing? What do you mean?

Like if you needed money
or were in trouble.

It's awfully late. Don't you have to work?

- I can arrive at work when I like.
- Lies, already?

Despite your air of distinction,
you're a rascal with no honest job.

Job, perhaps not. However,
I do have a certain situation.

Why are we stopping?

Is this where you live?

No, it's simply the bank...
where I have an account.

- Me too.
- That's funny.

We're at the same bank.

I'll bet there's more
in my account than yours.

How do you really make your living?

You don't work, do you?

I'm sure your female conquests pay you.

It's quite understandable.

Take this as a down payment.

I want you all to myself.

A man like you isn't made to work,

but to make love.

Now get going.

- See you tomorrow?
- No, that's too long.

Let's make it tonight.

I'm terribly late, but I won't apologize.

- Good morning, Louis.
- Good morning, Brother.

It's the first time you've been late
in 30 years,

an historic date.

- What did you say?
- I said...

- Really?
- Yes.

You're in a strange state this morning.

That may be true.

Is it because your picture
is in all the papers?

The papers? What do they say?

That I'm as happy
as the first cuckoo in springtime?

Come here and look at this.

Listen.

"Édouard, Baron von Hannover,
will open the World Banking Convention

with a banquet at Hotel Adlon.

The chef has been
preparing the menu for weeks."

I hope your speech is ready.

You go instead.
I'm not made for work, but for love.

- Are you feeling okay?
- Dear brother, don't worry about me.

I've never felt so good.

Did you ever notice
I have beautiful hands?

No, never.

You must be blind.

- She noticed immediately.
- She?

- I'm beginning to understand.
- She's crazy about me.

You mean she's in love
with the family fortune.

Not her.

All she needed
was one look at my hands, and...

Édouard, you're scaring me.

She loves me for myself.
Incredible, but true.

Women have always wanted me for my money.

All Nini wants is my eyes,

my hands,

and my ready wit.

Where did you meet her?

- At the Femina.
- I see, a professional.

Perhaps, but that makes
it even more flattering.

- How much did you shell out?
- Not a cent.

And what's more, not only did I not pay,

she actually gave me money.

Look.

That's just a down payment.
She'll give me more tonight.

- My brother is a gigolo.
- Not everyone can be one.

Aren't you proud of me?

I can't believe this. Good Lord!

Nini, at last.
I thought you'd gotten lost.

I found it.

- Or you'd forgotten.
- No danger of that.

- How nice of you to get flowers!
- Yes, they're pretty.

You probably spent your last cent on them.

I hope you like them.

I'm delighted!

I don't understand!

I recognized your photo!

Édouard, Baron von Hannover,
famous international banker!

- Let me explain -
- No need.

You're a rich banker who thinks
it's funny to mock a poor girl!

You ensnare me with your charm,
then humiliate me with your wealth!

Nini! I beg you, let me explain.

- Let me suffer in peace.
- We'll work this out.

Nothing can work between
a rich banker and a poor girl!

I loved you. I even gave you money!

Please, Nini...

You had your fun. So did I. We're even.

Good-bye. It's all over between us.

Don't run away. Nini, I love you.

Stay, please!

No, no, and no!

No!

No!

No!

Yes.

Moral: Virtue is always rewarded.

PARIS TODAY

On October 23, at 11:00 a.m.

at the same spot I'd noticed it before...

I saw the same car...

with the same two women in it.

It caught up to me

and followed, driving slowly beside me.

She smiled at me. I smiled at her.

The passenger started talking to me.

First, she complimented my dog

and asked his name.

She said she loved dachshunds

and wanted to get one.

She asked where I'd bought him and so on.

We chatted for a while,
then she picked up the dog.

She began to pet it,
and suddenly, the car drove away.

Stop!

It went about 20 yards...

Stop!

...then it stopped.

It was obviously a joke...

so I played along.

I ran after the car, which would
pull away just as I caught up.

This game continued for about 100 yards.

Stop, I beg you.
I'm too old for such childish games.

How about a more adult game?

- What kind?
- Get in and we'll show you.

- I think I know it.
- Maybe not this one.

Where is it played?

In a car, in the woods, or elsewhere.

With two players, or three.

We're associates.
I'm French, she's Russian.

Very fashionable.

- Does she have an accent?
- No, but she speaks Russian.

- It might come in handy.
- I suppose.

You work better together?

We compliment each other.
She's the beauty. I'm the brains.

- Brains?
- She comes up with the ideas.

Yes, we leave the ideas to me.

Because I have none.

And I have too many
to know what to do with!

Some of them are even good.

The trick with the dog,
was that your idea?

Yes.

- It wasn't a good idea.
- Why not?

Because I'm with the vice squad.

Damn.

I certainly won't get a dachshund now.

It's not a dachshund. It's a police dog.

VLADIMIR LESKOV - ATTORNEY

Nadia, it's you! Hello, my dear!

Vladimir, I've brought you a client.

It's so kind of you to visit.

A friend of mine.
She has some car trouble.

You're doing well?

A client, Vladimir!

You don't see them every day!

Good.

My God!

Your furniture!

- My furniture...
- You have no more furniture!

I have to eat. I had no choice.

I hope you didn't eat your living room.

Rest assured.

The style is too heavy.
It would upset my stomach.

Good to know.

Put on a tie. She's coming.

- Who's coming?
- The client!

I see.

Is there a lawyer here? Vladimir Leskov?

Mr. Leskov. Fifth floor.

- Is there an elevator?
- No elevator.

I knew it!

He doesn't even have a receptionist!

Come in.

- What kind of a lawyer is he?
- An excellent one.

- Russian?
- Naturalized French.

- Does he have teeth?
- Why wouldn't he?

- If he's like your Russian doctor...
- Don't worry, he has teeth.

Oh, this furniture!

You'll never convince me
that a good lawyer -

It breaks when you sit on it!

If I can't trust his sofa,
how can I trust him?

- Tell him I didn't come.
- Stay.

Not another second!

Catherine! I order you to stay!

I'll never help you again.

That's fine with me!

- What happened here?
- Three legs broke.

Three? Not bad.

If you visited more often,

I'd have been rid of this horror long ago.

Get up,

and sit on this ottoman,

which isn't pretty, but it's sturdy.

Where do you sing now, dushka?

- Still at Châtelet?
- That's the past.

Don't tell me you no longer sing!

- Fine, I'll sing.
- Thank you.

Let's see...

What a voice!

You could've been a great singer.

Bravo! My dushka!

She has such talent.

She should be rich and famous!

Russians are all so artistic.
You play piano well, for a lawyer.

My friend Catherine
has come to consult you.

If you're here to see the lawyer,

let's go to my chambers
while they're still here.

Lucky for us!

Sit down.

So?

My friend is a performer.

You're a singer too?

No, I'm a dancer.

- Classical?
- No, very modern.

And I'm her manager.

With your voice?

I'm too old, plus I wear glasses.

And she forgets them everywhere.

Once she drove without them.
It's a miracle we survived.

I'm also her chauffeur.

- With that voice?
- I sing while I drive.

- Can we stop talking about your voice?
- He's my only admirer.

He's a bit deaf.

Because he's deaf, on top of it all?

I'd ask you to hurry
if someone were waiting to see me,

but nobody ever is.

- My friend has a problem with her car.
- I'll tell him myself.

You can tell him everything,
but with delicacy.

Watch your language.

- Do you know what an Amazon is?
- A woman who rides a horse.

Wrong.

Let's see what the dictionary says.

You've surely met Amazons like me
on the Champs-Élysées.

I never go there.
I usually take the subway to hearings.

I never met any Amazons in the subway,

especially on horseback.

I'm an Amazon without a horse!

"Amazon.

Woman whose character
is masculine and warlike."

That's what I am.

A woman living alone,
without men, fending for myself.

I see.

No need to speak Russian.
It's the same word.

Amazon is a nicer word,
even if you haven't got a horse.

But I have horsepower.

I entertain my friends in my car,

which means I need to look out
for the vice squad and the traffic police.

It's double the risk.
Traffic cops are the worst.

They took away my license,
so she drives me.

I know a young Russian girl
who drives a taxi.

She makes more money than a taxi driver.

And I can sing while driving.

If you sing, Nadia, you're forgiven.

The hypocrite!
What do lawyers know about decency?

He's not moralizing.

Catherine has trouble with her car.
The police impounded it last Saturday.

- He's sleeping.
- No, he's listening.

He's sleeping.

Vladimir.

What a lawyer!

He's not well.

Vladimir. It's Nadia!

It that you, dushka?

I don't feel very well. Not well at all.

Forgive me.

- I'll call a doctor.
- Russian, naturally.

It's disconnected.

No, don't leave me alone with him!

Someone is ill. I need to call a doctor.

- There's a pharmacy downstairs. Ask them.
- Thank you.

- Know what I'm thinking?
- Nothing cheerful, I bet.

An ambulance might be good for us.

- An ambulance? What for?
- To work in!

- Are you joking?
- I'm perfectly serious.

You're unbelievable!

That's what you're thinking of?
Have you no shame?

Because the old man is deaf.

Hello, sir. Interested?

Are you sure?

I don't need an ambulance.

I feel fine.

Perfect. It's an ambulance
for men who feel fine.

- I don't understand.
- It's extremely roomy.

Yes, roomy...

There's even a little bed.

Like a hotel.

Have you no shame? Mocking the sick!

How rude! Why not a hearse?

It's just as disgusting, ladies!

Shame on you.

I hope your little business fails!

I told you, you crazy girl!

I hope it's been disinfected.

It's brand new.

- May I see the patient?
- Of course.

- Quite appealing for a sick girl.
- Isn't she?

She seems healthy to me.

Would you like to examine her?

There's a little bed. It's like a hotel.

Just a quick consultation.
I have to be home at midnight.

- We can drive you if you like.
- No.

- Why not? We have a car.
- No, thank you.

This reminds me of one bordello
with a charming decor.

One room was like a sleeping car.
You made love on bunks.

Trains can be quite thrilling.

You never know what can happen on a train,
quite the opposite of paid sex.

Your ambulance reminds me
of my sleeping car.

- You like the unexpected, don't you?
- But no later than midnight.

In an ambulance?

Those girls are perverts! After them!

If they take the highway...

Hello, TN-Z? This is car 751.

Reporting a suspicious vehicle.

An ambulance.

Yes, an ambulance!

- Speed up!
- I'm still breaking in the motor.

- Who cares?
- We're doing 80!

It's an ambulance.
Faster! You have a life to save!

- Three lives.
- I'm glad you like the unexpected!

If we make it to the Versailles exit,
we have a chance.

- No, we don't.
- We don't?

It's a pity. You're not only pretty,
you have amusing ideas.

She's the one with the ideas,
unfortunately.

This was all her idea.
After this, I'm through!

There must be a clinic in Versailles
where we can hide.

I know several, but you'll get
caught before we get there.

This was our maiden voyage.

You didn't bring us much luck!

Just a minute! Get undressed.

- What?
- Undress.

- This is no time to -
- Get undressed, quickly!

- Do as you're told.
- It's difficult.

Help me, can't you?

- There.
- Unbelievable.

We're taking a patient to the clinic.
It's an emergency.

You're a doctor?

I'm her doctor.

You were driving much too fast.

In her condition, there's no time to lose.

That seems obvious...

Doctor.

Okay, off you go.

You were wonderful!

How lucky we picked up a sawbones!

You're used to telling women to undress,
and they obey.

That's the way you get them, right?

There's some whiskey
in the first-aid cabinet.

- How organized!
- Pour me a stiff one!

For medicinal purposes.

FOR THOSE WHO'D LIKE TO KNOW
HOW JEAN-LUC GODARD

IMAGINES THE WORLD'S OLDEST
PROFESSION IN THE SPACE AGE,

WE PRESENT:

Radioactive levels normal. Over.

Soviet color.

Affirmative.

Arrival of the France Inter superjet
from Orbital Station 12.

Departure in 1,300 seconds
to Orbital Station 23

with connections to Galaxies 2 and 7.

The plane will land at Point C-0.

Passengers in transit will kindly conform
to terrestrial behavior patterns.

Over. Music 2.

Soviet color.

Affirmative.

Two galactic passengers.

Style: male.

Female.

Kind:

athlete.

Saleswoman.

Uniform:

Soviet-American Army.

Christian Dior.

Radioactive levels in faces:
identical to normal.

Over.

Music 234.

Radioactive levels still normal.

Over.

European color. Soviet color.

Chinese color.

Soviet color.

Chinese color.

European color.

Radioactive levels still normal.

Over.

European color.

Until we meet again.

Affirmative.

Traveler 14 and Porter 1,204

advance at steady speed along Corridor 57

towards Room 282.

Radioactive levels normal.

Over.

Music 37.

European color.

Radioactive levels still normal.

European color.

Thank...

you.

Radioactive levels normal. Over.

Soviet color.

Salutations, Mr. Demetrius.
Here's the subject of our conversation.

Thank...

you.

Until we meet again.

Until we meet...

again, Commissar.

Radioactive levels normal.

Chinese color.

Radioactive levels still normal.

Chinese color.

Care for a drink?

Radioactive levels in the face
identical to normal.

Can I...

help you?

- Over.
- Soviet color.

Okay?

Okay?

You don't speak?

You don't speak?

- Affirmative.
- Hello.

Departure of Africa Air superjet
to North-South Pole.

Over. Direct 5. European color.

Salutations, Mr. Demetrius. What's wrong?

She fails...

to excite me.

Why? Is she uncooperative?

She won't...

speak.

You chose her yourself
in the physical love booklet.

Yes, but she fails...

to excite me.

I'm so sorry.

It's never happened before.

- Affirmative.
- I'll see what I can do.

Abnormal ideological reaction
of Traveler 14

to terrestrial
technological leisure system.

Radioactive levels still normal. Over.

Music 52.

European color.

Salutations, Mr. Demetrius.

This is an exceptional case, you know.

Yes.

The allotment for persons in transit
is strictly set.

Under certain conditions,

we can draw upon secret funds
pending special authorization.

But don't worry, it's all been arranged.

I would like...

to thank you.

Radioactive level in faces
identical to normal. Over.

American color.

The law is clear: one woman per day.

Our Minister of Leisure said
you're responsible for your actions.

He asked me to convey his best wishes

and hopes you'll return to Galaxy 4
with pleasant memories of Earth.

Until we meet again, Mr. Demetrius.

Until we...

meet again, Commissar.

Salutations.

You...

speak.

Of course I do.

That's why I'm here.

Care... for a drink?

Yes, please.

Evian.

What's your name, noble stranger?

John Demetrius.

And yours?

Eleanor Romeovich.

Have you lived...

for a long time...

in the...

technical capital?

No, I come from the literary countryside.

I've only been here 150 years.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

I am...

getting undressed.

Radioactive levels still normal. Over.

Soviet color.

Why don't you...

get undressed too?

Why do you speak so slowly?

Because time moves much slower
in Galaxy 4?

- Affirmative. Departure of superjet...
- I'd love to go.

- I've heard Galaxy 4 is amazing.
- ...to New York

- and Tokyo. Over.
- Why don't you?

- Direct 8.
- What?

Soviet color.

Why don't you get...

completely undressed?

No.

- I don't take off my clothes.
- Why not?

Didn't the commissar explain?

Everything is specialized now.

It's quite recent,
within the last 300 or 400 light years.

To you, it must seem old-fashioned...

but on Earth,
it's considered a very modern idea.

Millions have fought
and risked their lives for it.

What... idea?

I just told you:

total specialization.

For example,

undressing is not my job.

The prostitutes who get naked

are for physical love,

and know every sexual gesture.

And... you?

Me? I'm versed in words.

I represent sentimental love.

Love expressed...

with words.

Exactly.

Would you like me to excite you?

Yes.

I'll wake up,

and I'll walk around...

the town...

in the streets and squares

seeking...

my beloved.

Radioactive levels normal.

- Over.
- Chinese color.

Soviet color.

My beloved slipped his hand
through the window...

and my flesh trembled.

I longed for him.

He is the dearest of all young men.

I found the one my heart loves.

I seized him...

and I won't let him go.

The sex of my beloved is white and red...

ANTAR MOTOR OIL

...because he is as strong as death.

My sex is a secret garden,

whose perfume is sweeter
than any blossoms.

Your eyes

are like doves,

and my breasts...

like baby gazelles.

Noble stranger, enter the garden
of your sister and fiancée...

This doesn't excite me.

Why not?

They are words of love.

I'm sure they are.

Will you report me?

No, I...

won't.

But something is...

missing:

The act itself.

Words and action?
Not together. I told you.

It's logical.

I can't speak with my legs,
my breasts, my eyes.

I know... that.

Shall I start over?

No, it's... sad.

I understand.

Our government was right
to eliminate love.

Radioactive levels in faces
identical to normal.

- American color.
- I have...

- What?
- ...an idea.

There is another part...

A part of the body

which speaks and moves at the same time?

Yes.

Which one?

How simple, noble Demetrius!

By placing our mouths together...

we will speak

and at the same time caress each other.

Yes.

Will it really work?

Affirmative.

Abnormal behavior of Prostitute 703.

Highly ideological gesture of Traveler 14.

Radioactive levels normal. Over.

- Well?
- Direct 15.

- American color.
- How strange.

It's funny.

I feel like we've invented
something dangerous.

Negative, negative, negative.

Negative, negative, negative.

All traces of radioactivity
have disappeared. Negative.

Negative.

Traveler 14 and Prostitute 703
have made a discovery. Negative.

They're making love, conversation,
and happiness all at the same time.

Negative, negative, negative...

THE END