The Names of Love (2010) - full transcript
Bahia Benmahmoud, a free-spirited young woman, has a particular way of seeing political engagement, as she doesn't hesitate to sleep with those who don't agree with her to convert them to her cause - which is a lot of people, as all right-leaning people are concerned. Generally, it works pretty well. Until the day she meets Arthur Martin, a discreet forty-something who doesn't like taking risks. She imagines that with a name like that, he's got to be slightly fascist. But names are deceitful and appearances deceiving...
At the last Soccer World Cup,
the South Korean team
had 7 players with the same surname:
Kim.
It was so complicated
that their first names
were added to their shirts.
But some also
had the same first name.
My name's Arthur Martin.
15,207 people in France
have the same name.
I've always felt
like I'm in the South Korean team.
My name's Baya Benmahmoud.
No one else in France
has that name.
Thanks for coming. I'm Alain Bédouet.
- Arthur Martin.
- Any connection to the...
Cookers? No.
Use the yellow mike, please.
We've had a lot of calls
about that duck.
The Phone is Ringing, hello.
What's your question?
OK, thank you, sir.
Hi, I'm Baya.
Pretty name.
Is it Brazilian?
Baya Benmahmoud. It's Algerian.
Arthur Martin, hello.
You work for the OED.
What does "OED" stand for?
Office of Epizootic Diseases.
The organization monitoring
the development of animal epidemics.
Since the discovery
of that dead duck in a village pond...
A mallard, to be precise.
A mallard, yes.
Should we expect an epidemic
of bird flu?
It's a complex subject, as you know.
We shouldn't minimize the risks
yet we needn't alarm people.
We must apply
the principle of precaution.
Let's listen to the first caller.
Hello, this is Isabelle.
Here's my question.
Hello. What is your question, please?
Do I press it?
They hung up.
Please hold.
You press that button.
My neighbor has sheep.
Are they likely to catch the virus?
Your question sucks!
Sheep don't get bird flu!
Ask around before you call!
Aren't people jerks?
The best thing is
not to let children go outside
and above all,
disinfect your shoes
before going inside.
Crazy!
But the hypothesis is
tens of thousands of deaths
in the next few years.
One moment, please.
But we mustn't minimize the risks.
Stop bugging us
with your fucking duck!
You're driving us crazy!
We don't care about bird flu.
Give it a rest!
Dear listeners,
someone has just burst into the studio.
Studies show
we need to remain vigilant.
I don't want to be.
You people make everyone fascist!
If it's not oysters, it's cows!
Then, what? Immigrants, right?
You don't realize what you're doing!
If you don't trust ducks,
that's a bad sign!
As you heard,
that wasn't a specialist...
Love By Any Name
It's wartime. My mother's 7 years old.
She just lost her parents.
Her and her three sisters
are saved by two pacifists
who hide hunted children
in the orphanage they set up.
She stays there till her wedding.
- What's your name?
- Annette Cohen.
Your new name is...
Annabelle Hake.
Hake, like the fish?
That's right!
Like the fish.
She owes them everything,
even her happiness.
She's a brilliant math student.
The advantage is, it stops the mind
from thinking of other things.
My father Lucien is in the same year.
So, my parents meet
on scientific grounds.
I've tried my hardest,
but I can't imagine him young.
Mr Martin, please come to the board.
Coming.
He's ultra-French, which suits Mom,
especially when he offers her his name:
Martin.
They marry in '59.
Their parents had different religions,
so they decide to have none.
I was born on March 22, 1961,
which surprises me, because I doubt
my parents ever made love.
Arthur?
So, that's Arthur Martin,
like the cookers.
Can't you see
I'll get that crap all my life?
They're very good cookers.
Practical, economical, ergonomic...
They're very high-tech.
I had an idea for a name.
Good.
Give me that name.
Dean.
Dean Martin!
Dean Martin?
Arthur! Let's stick with Arthur.
In 1957, in Beni Saf,
a village near Oran,
my father Mohamed is 7.
Algeria is still French.
He likes military parades,
but he'd prefer cowboys
to soldiers, because he loves
westerns with Gary Cooper,
which he secretly goes and sees
at the cinema.
He likes school and his French teacher,
but he has a passion for drawing.
He's gifted.
He draws all he sees.
Here, he draws his grandfather
and 7 uncles for the last time.
They're shot by the French army.
Without a trial.
My father thinks Gary Cooper
will show up and free them.
His Mom finds the pictures.
My father feels so ashamed.
He won't show them
to anyone after that.
Despite what happened to his family,
I never heard him criticize the French.
I think that's weird.
My father was in Algeria then, too.
But he never told me
what he did over there.
My father comes to France
in the mid-70s.
At the time, my mother,
Cécile Delivet is a hippy.
Her folks are rich and French.
She hates rich French folk,
fine food, vulgar jokes,
the consumer society, nuclear power,
Alain Delon cop films,
the French national anthem,
hunting trophies,
the smug West, and horse butchers.
But one day, she discovers
she hates someone more than the rest.
My father is a penniless war victim
and an illegal alien.
To Mom, that's so cool!
Pinochet's fascist regime
was put in power by the CIA lackeys!
Excuse me, mister!
Please support the people of Chile.
Help our Chilean comrades imprisoned
by Pinochet's fascist junta
which is in league with the CIA.
Thank you.
Comrade!
- The petition!
- No, it's OK, I...
I'll keep it.
No, you have to give it back to me.
My parents get married in '72.
My Mom is delighted
to lose her French name.
My Dad's pleased to marry
an anti-colonialist.
I'm born soon after,
closely followed by my 2 brothers.
In 1981, Mom writes
to President Mitterrand.
His wife gets Dad
French papers after 6 years in hiding.
Since then,
I've worshipped Mitterrand
and the left-wing unconditionally.
But in July 1999,
Mom tells me I misunderstood.
Right-wing President Giscard d'Estaing's
wife got him the papers.
Mrs Giscard d'Estaing!
Are you sure?
It's horrible!
Our living room
is always full of kids,
more or less extreme militants,
neighbors who make yogurt cake,
and weird, stinky men.
My parents take in all the homeless.
Until one hits me
for being too badly brought up.
Then, they choose their homeless.
No one ever visits my parents.
They moved to the middle of nowhere
so the Nazis wouldn't find my mother.
My parents aren't interested in people
but in new technology.
For Christmas 1976,
they buy one of the first VCRs.
A Betamax.
A few months later,
although Betamax is superior to VHS,
it's taken off the market.
We're stuck with hundreds of tapes.
My parents systematically buy
technically superior objects
which are a flop.
Look, Lucien. With this box,
you can change channels
without having to stand up.
It'll revolutionize people's lives.
- It's a remote control.
- It's great.
It's marvelous.
It's wonderful.
It's a Laserdisc.
A whole film fits on it.
It'll replace VHS.
No more messing with tapes!
I like Socialist Lionel Jospin
for the same reason.
He's superior to the others,
but never wins.
As he likes painting,
Dad becomes a painter.
He works hard
so we want for nothing.
So, we want for nothing
but the presence of my father
who works hard so we want for nothing.
Dad works in nuclear power.
See, Arthur,
that...
is my power station.
Pretty, isn't she?
Dad persuaded me
that nuclear power is safe,
because before going on vacation,
he checked everything 15 times.
The doors, gas, electricity...
It was such a pain.
He'd even open the gas tap
to check it was shut.
So, I imagined he did the same
with his power station.
Did you shut the plutonium store?
Are you sure? Should I check?
Dad has a hard life.
He's had it rough,
but I envy him really, because
nothing will ever happen to me.
I look French.
No one will ever call me "Dirty Ay-rab".
Anyway,
my parents always protect me.
Luckily, we meet Mr Boyer.
He offers to give me piano lessons.
I don't experience war or racism,
but I do experience
Mr Boyer's piano lessons.
You see, we don't play much piano
during his lessons.
My life becomes exciting
as I mustn't tell my parents.
Now you can look.
It's a really good present, you know.
When I tell them the truth,
Dad decides to kill Mr Boyer,
because he doesn't trust the police.
Mr Boyer leaves that day
with no forwarding address.
My parents are champions at taboos.
They're very puritanical.
Why must they use naked women
for their advertisements?
I wanted to buy some cheese.
Come along.
How vulgar!
Another example:
After close observation,
I notice we all scratch our ass.
As far as I know, we never mentioned it
to anyone, least of all a doctor.
We'd rather die of a disease
than of shame!
That said,
on the podium of family taboos,
my grandparents' deportation
is a clear winner.
In 47 years,
I've only managed to find out
2 things about them:
They came from Greece
and Grandpa
was a Paris taxi driver.
As for the rest... total silence.
Here's Lischka...
By the late 70s,
it's hard to avoid the subject
as our taboo is a national obsession.
The roundup
saw 13,000 Jews interned,
then exterminated in Auschwitz.
I'm overwhelmed to be here.
I think I'm on borrowed time.
Every day is a stay of execution.
Compared to the others,
I'm not entitled to it.
Barbie the Butcher
is not presumed innocent, they say.
Vowel.
"I".
Vowel.
"E".
Consonant.
"D".
France discusses war crimes
all day long.
In our house, we tie ourselves in knots
to ignore it all.
G- E-N-O-C-I-D-E.
6 points for Mr Lévêque.
We don't mention
Mr Boyer's lessons ever again.
5, 500 children
were sexually abused
last year in France.
In the early 90s,
our family taboo
becomes a national obsession.
Belgian child molester Dutroux...
Watching TV becomes tricky.
Maurice Papon arrives at the courts
to be tried for war crimes...
We'll continue our lesson
on deportation.
One day, they put up a plaque
to child deportees
who'd spent some time in my school.
But the deportation
is my secret garden,
and I don't appreciate the competition.
What do we mean
by the Duty of Remembrance?
Yes?
We must remember
those who died in the war.
And why is that?
Because innocent kids were killed
and it's so sad if we forget them.
That's why there are plaques.
Yes?
But why only remember their deaths?
What do you mean, Martin?
Well, if I imagine I've been killed...
Every day, I go past that thing
that reminds me how horrible it was.
Well, it's not very nice.
I think we should remember the day
they ate whipped cream
for the first time, say.
It would say:
"Children ate whipped cream
here for the first time."
You're weird. That's meaningless.
Think you're smart?
I brought you here to talk
about deportation, not whipped cream.
In junior high,
I won't go out with boys
as I'm scared they'll find out
I have a problem with sex.
In high school, I sleep around
as I'm scared they'll find out
I have a problem with sex.
A lot of sexually abused children
reproduce what they went through
as adults.
Many prostitutes
suffered abuse in their childhood.
So, for my future career,
I have 2 choices:
Pedophile or whore.
I'll choose whoring.
Hey!
- Got a mustache?
- Yeah.
You have beautiful eyes.
Girls don't like me, but one day,
I realize there's one way
of getting them interested in me.
I don't know if I mentioned it,
but my grandparents died
in Auschwitz.
Only my mother escaped being gassed.
How horrible.
Yeah, I know.
- You must have suffered.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you say?
I dunno...
Silence isn't good.
Yes, you should've told us.
Yes, but...
it's not the kind of thing
you just blurt out.
- That's why you joked at school?
- Yes.
Suddenly they like me.
It's Jewish humor -
laughing at tragedy.
I knew you were different.
You Jews are so sensitive,
because of your past.
Shame creeps over me.
My grandparents died, my Mom suffered,
I reap the rewards.
It's disgusting.
No, I was just kidding.
My name's Arthur Martin.
I was born in Smallville.
What a jerk.
- It's a laugh.
- I don't believe it.
I decide never to mention it again.
My name's Arthur Martin.
It makes for a quiet life.
Miss!
I can't let you say that.
You got me fired.
There's a real epizootic risk.
Mind the door, it's...
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
H5N1 is a very resistant virus.
We must remain on the alert.
Like you say,
there's no point in scaring people.
I understand your anger...
Want a drink?
Your name's Arthur Martin?
That's very French.
Very.
So, you're right-wing?
Not at all. I support Lionel Jospin.
He made the precautionary principle
part of the constitution.
I'm Baya.
People think it's Brazilian.
It's Algerian.
Baya Benmahmoud.
Got anything against Arabs?
No. You called me a fascist earlier...
France is full of fascists.
Did you never notice?
Whites are fascist, blacks are,
Jews are, even Arabs are fascist.
The Chinese must be fascist, too,
but I don't know any.
I wanted to show you the...
the statistics indicating the evolution
of the epizootic.
It's going up
and up, see?
You're a veterinarian?
Yes, I specialize in dead animals.
I study the causes of death.
Your place or mine?
- What?
- Don't you want to sleep with me?
Well, the thing is...
I can't, because I have to carry out
a necropsy
on some geese.
A necropsy
is like an autopsy, but on animals.
Can't it wait? They're dead, right?
Yes, but...
the virus doesn't survive for long.
Odd, isn't it?
But some other time maybe,
I'd be glad to.
That won't be possible.
I always sleep on a first date.
A matter of principle.
Each to their own, yeah?
I'm really sorry, but it can't wait.
Well, too bad. See ya!
See... ya.
The girl already paid.
What're you doing?
You passed up a great lay.
Leave me alone.
Maybe she was your soul mate.
Be honest,
didn't you feel it in your balls?
Don't talk to me like that.
I could be her father.
So what? She asked you.
I have principles.
You've always messed up with women.
It's pathetic.
What about Muguette and Mélanie?
And I spent 5 years with Brigitte.
You didn't love them.
You just weren't scared of them.
Dad...
That's beautiful.
It's nothing.
Let's show your work to a gallery.
I have to repair Mrs Martinez's car.
Another day, then.
I can't do it another day, either.
I have to fix the Belkacems' alarm clock,
Toufik's scooter...
I don't need a thing.
I want to make you happy, Dad!
No point. Make yourself happy.
It's impossible to make Dad happy.
It drives me crazy.
I showed them your work
and they loved it.
Do you realize, your painting's
on show here in your lifetime?
I'm very pleased.
But I have to go fix
Mrs Pupovac's toaster.
They can't have toast for breakfast.
Dammit, Dad!
Gauguin, Van Gogh, Benmahmoud!
Yes... it's pretty...
But it's hard
not having toast for breakfast.
I've tried to teach Mom
to ride for ages.
I'm holding you.
Her parents didn't have time.
I'm not holding you.
These are the only times
I can be alone with her.
I hope she'll talk to me
about her childhood.
There were lots of bikes
when you were little.
You lived in Paris?
But it's no use.
I think the Greeks invented the bicycle.
You should know...
Why?
Because...
Leonardo da Vinci invented the bicycle.
Don't you know that?
It's 8 PM. Here are
the Presidential election results.
1st place, right-winger Chirac.
A huge surprise:
Nationalist Le Pen is second.
What about Jospin?
3rd: Left-winger Jospin
with 16%...
Chirac has a hearing aid.
They make some very small ones now.
Completely invisible.
Amazing.
We could get one.
We're not deaf yet.
That's true.
Arthur Martin.
Vote cast.
Baya Benmahmoud.
Hello.
What's wrong?
I voted for Chirac!
It's horrible!
Come back to my place!
I don't want to be alone.
Shit! I don't have
anything to eat at home.
Do you want to make love first
or buy some food after?
Go to the shops
before they close, right?
Yeah, that's safer.
Shit! I forgot the coriander.
- Does it matter?
- Can't make chorba without it.
I'll go get it.
Excuse me, you...
You'll wait for me, right?
Nassim!
Baya!
How are you doing?
- Good to see you. You OK?
- Fine.
Coming to celebrate the publication
of the "New Orient"?
Oh, shit! Yeah, sure I'm coming.
Don't forget the leaflets.
You know what? I'll go get them now!
Off you go.
See you later.
Not long now...
Go ahead.
My cellphone's ringing.
Her birthday's today?
I gotta go buy a gift!
8 PM? You mean 8 o'clock at night?
I always choose the best presents.
No problem, I forgot,
but I won't forget now.
She won't be much longer.
I won't forget, I'm onto it.
She loves earrings.
I'll get her earrings.
See you later.
Hey, you never see a woman?
You should be ashamed.
The phone rang,
and I was putting on a t-shirt,
then my cellphone rang,
and I dropped the t-shirt.
I'm so muddle-headed.
I lack rigor. I can't multitask.
One thought just leads to another.
Come in.
I think there's some pasta.
Sex first or food?
I'm not very hungry.
What?
I think naked women paralyze me.
That's weird.
What can I do for you?
When I think about our first night,
I can clearly see a nuclear explosion
in the French South Pacific.
That's a pretty tune.
Very moving...
Baya, I mean.
Excuse me, what are you doing here?
You are...?
At home.
Eric Bernard.
Arthur Martin.
Like the cookers.
I'm putting her up.
I really like her,
but she gives me a hard time.
Meaning?
Sleeping around.
I accept it.
I accept everything she does.
Don't you?
But I'll tell you a secret.
I don't like Arabs.
I hate 'em. It's not my fault,
I can't help it.
Musicians don't say that,
'cause they're all a bunch
of left-wingers.
Are you a musician?
No.
Coffee?
- You're not going back to bed?
- No.
- I need some sleep.
- Go ahead.
You sleep with him?
Isn't he a big asshole?
Did you notice?
You sleep with him?
What's it to you?
Well, goodbye.
Well, OK...
Beat it.
Let me explain. You'll feel better.
I don't have time. I have to go.
They found a guinea-fowl.
I fuck right-wing guys, you see.
Your place is ugly.
When I say I fuck 'em, I really do.
It's not a metaphor.
She said she applied
the old 60s slogan,
"Make love, not war".
For several years, she slept with
her political enemies to convert them.
She used her body as a weapon
of mass destruction of fascists.
She used the term "fascist"
very broadly.
I can do great things with my ass.
I mean, you can never convince people
you don't agree with.
It's much better to use sex.
Look, I brought you my notebook.
When I met this guy,
he was in charge of the youth section
of Chirac's party.
How can you be young and right-wing?
Now look at him!
He raises sheep.
Isn't that great? See that?
He was a stock trader.
Now he makes pancakes.
He ran a quad bike club.
Now he does Capoeira.
The conversion time varies according
to their stupidity. Nationalist
supporters take at least 10 days.
For a centrist, in an afternoon
it's done.
Why quad bikes?
Why?
They're fascists. Didn't you know?
Massive fascists.
But me...
Why me? I support Jospin.
It's not the same.
I... like you.
I don't know why.
Normally old-fashioned guys like you...
- And your gooses...
- Geese.
One goose, two geese.
Oh, no, they won't make it in time.
They'll get the next one.
Fuck!
Can't you wait
for these folks to get on?
- You OK?
- What a fuss!
I do.
By the authority vested in me,
I hereby declare you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Aboubacar, meet Arthur.
Congratulations.
- Hope you get your papers.
- Me too. I'll leave you together.
See ya!
Are you sleeping with him?
No, he's not right-wing.
You think so?
- Meet my parents.
- Are they here?
It is my wedding.
It's my third.
I can't go faster,
'cause it's hard to divorce.
Your parents must be quite young if...
No. Well, like you.
Dad, meet Arthur.
Hello. Baya told me
so much about you.
He's my father.
They kind of look alike...
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
This is Arthur Martin.
- Good cookers. Reliable...
- Ergonomic.
Very good.
You're not married?
- No.
- Good.
Radija!
Can you come here?
Radija, meet Arthur Martin.
A perfect husband.
Oh, no.
You don't have to sleep with her.
Anyway, let's meet up
on Monday for the formalities.
Because the authorities
are very strict now.
So, she lives with you for a year.
The toothbrushes in the same mug.
That's what we recommend.
Her clothes in the closet...
You have to be seen together,
so go out.
Baya said you're well-off.
As for the bed... for a while,
you sleep in the same bed,
but you can sleep head to toe.
Not my problem!
Don't forget the pubic hair.
They can do DNA tests now, so cut off
some pubic hair,
put it in the bed.
Just rub her, it'll come off.
Above all, the kids' toys...
What kids?
Radija's two children.
Of course!
They're so cute.
But you must get them some toys.
The cops won't buy it
if the kids have no toys.
They might think you mistreat them.
It can go very wrong.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
I'm only saying it for your benefit.
Of course!
- See you on Monday.
- But...
Your Mom's as crazy as you are!
You disappointed us.
I won't get married
just to please your parents!
You don't understand.
When my Dad came here,
he lived on the streets,
living in fear of the cops.
It took 6 years to get papers.
Yeah, so?
Now he's French, it's important to him.
Only foreigners really deserve
to be French.
When you're called Martin, it's simple.
You don't think about being French.
But when you're colonized...
Oh, don't play the victim card!
"Our people suffered so much!"
Hey, I'm not a victim of anything.
I think children of victims overdo it.
"My forefathers were slaves.
Mine were colonized..."
Blah, blah, blah!
- They're all you hear.
- You are a jerk!
What're you doing here?
Shouldn't you tell her now?
Butt out. Tell her what?
Your mother,
your grandparents' deportation...
- Think so?
- Yeah.
Baya...
Listen...
In my family, too...
- I mean...
- What?
My father fought in Algeria, too.
Oh, yeah?
Great.
Rough, isn't it?
What're you doing?
Yes, Dad. Just a sec.
Coming.
Go ahead.
Lamb...
Fine.
I pumped up my tires to 35 psi.
I said my tires
are pumped up to 35 psi.
I think so.
OK, Dad.
I have to go.
- OK, let's go.
- No, you can't come.
My parents are horrible.
Why?
It's nothing.
I can't tell you. They're...
I need some coffee.
She'll shock them,
say something stupid.
So what? It'd do them good.
What're you doing?
It'll end badly.
You don't have any idea.
What're you doing?
I completely forgot my taekwondo class.
- What?
- Taekwondo.
I've always loved taekwondo.
So, I can't go to my parents'. Pity.
Another time.
Is your oil level OK?
Fine! Just fine, thanks.
I'm bored without your ass.
We bought a GPS navigator.
It's great. You should get one.
A Palm! Let me see!
Hey...
Do you know
why all computer keyboards...
are QWERTY?
What?
The first line on a keyboard.
The order of the letters.
QWERTY.
Think about it.
I suppose it's the best layout
for your fingers to type the words.
Not at all! It's the exact opposite!
It dates back to those old typewriters.
They had a flaw.
When you typed letters
that were too close,
the typebars would get stuck.
So, they put
the most common letters far apart.
When computers came out,
they kept the old keyboard.
People were used to it.
- It's not practical.
- Indeed.
I'll show you
the Marsan keyboard,
named after its designer.
Look at the layout.
That's the ideal layout.
It'd be much simpler to type on that.
For 30 years,
he tried to persuade manufacturers -
in vain.
He's dead now. That's sad, isn't it?
Leave him alone.
We're boring him.
His mind is on things which are...
far more interesting.
I want you so much!
Meet Pierre-Antoine.
He runs the junior employers' union.
Hello, sir.
Run along now.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
No problem. Neat!
I'll get my things.
I wanted to be a concert pianist,
not a whore.
- I was very gifted.
- Really?
But there was a slight hitch.
You'll have a rough time with me,
but at least I know about sex.
I can teach you a lot.
That's great, 'cause I always dreamed
of meeting a woman like you.
Mr Ben Alleb, you represent
a secular Muslim group.
First of all, what is your position
on women wearing veils in school?
Let me just say
that we're citizens, not Muslims.
We've merely come into contact
with Muslim culture.
We're not based on religion
or community.
I'd like to return to why
I signed something in which
I do not really recognize myself.
He should get to the point.
He has to be clearer.
Your culture is indeed complex,
but let's go back to the veil.
It's so simplistic.
It's as if, for Arabs,
there's no such thing
as freedom to believe...
To doubt!
Let me now turn to Hassan Hassini.
What are your arguments?
Mr Ben Alleb,
your side keeps advocating
assimilation. It hasn't worked.
Say what you like,
but our children will never be accepted.
They have the wrong skin color,
the wrong religion, the wrong name.
He's a communitarian!
It suits him to pigeonhole people.
With the journalist's help.
The 60s are over.
You don't have to kowtow
to the racist from the 3rd floor anymore.
Be proud of our faith!
Hassini crystallizes
people's frustrations.
He isn't the problem.
The problem of being a Muslim
is our position in this country.
You're put in a pigeonhole.
If your name's Fatima or Aicha,
you're a Muslim.
I'm an atheist,
but my culture is Muslim.
The second thing is,
how to be a Muslim
and not be pigeonholed?
It annoys me, because communitarians
like that encourage the fascists.
To me, a guy like Hassini
is a fascist,
anti-Semitic and anti-gay!
They're basically allies.
Take Sarkozy. When he talks to Arabs,
he only talks to Muslims, like Hassini.
The 3 million Arabs in France
aren't all Muslim!
I love it when you're angry!
I'm gonna screw him!
I won't be long. Wait here.
Hello.
Mr Hassini, I admire you so much.
My name's Baya Benmahmoud.
My family's from Beni Saf,
a village near Oran.
Your family comes from there, too.
I'm half and half:
French and Algerian.
Mixed race.
I know I don't look Algerian,
but in my heart, I am.
Beni Saf, the hotel, the fishermen...
What do you want?
Don't I look like a whore?
That's why I came to see you.
I need advice from someone like you.
But she's too liberated for me.
It's a nightmare.
I will mention you when I have time.
I'm not ashamed. I haven't had time.
Didn't they speak French?
I don't know.
I suppose they spoke Greek. Right?
Is that Greek?
Have you noticed?
No one knows what it sounds like.
We know what German
or Russian sound like.
So, tell Baya.
Will you all stop busting my balls?
When you meet someone, you don't have
to tell them your full family history.
Let's go.
I'm on the right track with "Ass-ini".
I'll write him up in my notebook.
I love it when you sulk!
What're you playing at?
Wait, not here!
Who could see us?
Mom!
- Why're you here?
- I have to redo my papers.
What?
As I left the post office,
a pair of hands grabbed my neck.
It was a big black guy,
one with huge feet like you see nowadays.
He was holding a knife with a blade
that pops out. What's it called?
- A switchblade.
- Right.
People think
the blade comes out of the handle,
but it pivots out.
It's an optical illusion. Odd...
Mom, the facts...
So, Mrs Serrano picked me up.
She said we're not safe
with all these blacks and Arabs.
Baya's a pretty name.
Is it Brazilian?
Yes, sort of.
People always have to make
racist comments.
It's awkward, isn't it?
It really is.
Especially as I was on the ground.
Oh, Mrs Martin, good to see you.
My word, Arthur!
- My papers were stolen.
- Well, we'll redo them.
I need a rent receipt,
a photo, and your birth certificate.
The birth certificate?
I must have lost it.
Yes, but we need it.
You'll have to find it.
There must be a way of redoing
the papers without it, Patricia?
Got a nationality certificate?
Your parents were French?
This is unbelievable! Are you a cop?
Please stay out of this.
Were your parents French?
Maybe, because they were cousins...
They applied
for French citizenship after...
So, they weren't French.
But I am.
What proves that you're French?
I need proof, it's the law.
So many people cheat...
You've known her for 30 years!
Her only trip abroad was
to Andorra for duty-frees!
- Her date of birth?
- November 5, 1933.
- Parents' names?
- What?
- Parents' names?
- Cohen.
"Cone" as in geometry?
No, Cohen.
So her parents were...
Where's she gone?
Don't worry, I'll deal with your papers.
Where?
Auschwitz, I think.
That's fantastic!
You're a Jew, I'm an Arab!
Lots of our family died
'cause of French cops!
This is so cool!
The two of us embody France, see?
Our families are like two slices
of history making love!
It makes me want to cry.
I'm not Jewish.
I'm not a believer.
I don't go to the synagogue, I don't care
about Israel, my name's Arthur Martin!
- You're ashamed.
- No!
- Are you a Muslim?
- No!
Jewish isn't the same.
It is. We're half-breeds.
We don't know who we are
or where we're from.
And that's just fine.
OK, we're half-breeds.
But there are millions of us.
We should go forth and multiply!
The day there's nothing but half-breeds,
there'll be peace.
We're the future of humanity.
That's hybrid vitality.
What?
In biology, two animals which mate
despite having
a different genetic inheritance.
That's beautiful.
Oh, no!
Come on.
No, you're stigmatizing me.
- I'm stigmatizing you?
- Yes, you are.
Like my forehead says
"Jew" on it.
"Hi, my family was gassed.
How are you?"
"C"...
Got it! Cohen!
What were their first names?
I don't know. Sara and David, I think.
- There are several.
- Yep.
To the Jews, Cohen is like Martin.
There are too many with the same name.
I'll go ask. We'll find them.
You shouldn't forget us.
I don't know you.
Why should I remember you?
If you forget us,
that means they won.
Leave me alone!
How is our daughter?
Yes.
My mother just needed photos
for her new identity card.
But a recent law forbade you
from smiling in the photo.
Don't move.
Annette!
You know you can't smile
in identity photos anymore.
Concentrate.
Since this business with her papers,
Mom was not well.
Of course Dad hadn't told me
as it was important!
Here goes... Don't move.
There's no way...
Come on, it'll be alright, don't worry.
It'll be OK.
Global warming?
Global warming equals oil
equals nuclear power.
Don't mention that to my father,
you'll annoy him.
Well, what's left?
Traffic jams?
Are you kidding?
Traffic jams equal
taxis equal Grandpa
equals Auschwitz.
I don't want you mentioning the subject.
So, we can't talk
about anything with them?
Exactly. It took me years
to find ways to talk about nothing.
It'll be great fun!
You invited them.
What do you think?
Look.
No.
And this?
It's the same one.
No, it's purple.
This?
Look.
Now?
Yes!
It's a pity.
My tits would've been
a talking point.
I think it'll be sunny tomorrow.
What's your job?
Well, I'm not working at the moment.
But I've done lots of jobs.
- Such as?
- The rail road.
On the trains.
The rail road trains.
The Pullman cars.
An excellent company.
I was also a camp counselor.
When I say "camp",
I don't mean "camp"...
A camp with tents and children and...
You know?
Yes, summer camp.
Right.
And at one point...
I was a nurse's aide.
- Where?
- Jewsville.
In a hospital.
And how's Mrs Berthommier?
She's dead.
It's delicious.
How do you do it?
Simple. In the oven.
I'll... get the...
I'm sorry!
- I can't do this!
- It'll be OK.
Why am I like that?
I hate myself at times.
Get all the taboo words
out of your system now.
Good idea.
Gas chamber, deportation, Jew!
Iceberg, Nazi, euthanasia,
Woody Allen!
Who's that?
It must be my parents.
I asked them to come for dessert.
Dad, Arthur's father
knows Algeria well.
That's good.
Where did you go?
Around Constantine.
It's pretty there.
A large part of our family was killed
by the French army.
What did you go for?
Who wants more cake?
It's delicious.
I'm fine. I have some bread.
You have it.
I already have some. Go ahead.
Keep some for you tomorrow.
It won't be good then.
I spent 2 years over there.
I was in a scientific unit.
Oh, OK...
A scientific unit? You mean...
Nuclear research.
I'd just graduated.
I must say we made
a lot of progress at the time.
A great leap forward.
You mean, thanks to the war?
In a way.
You did nuclear tests in the desert
without telling the locals
what you were up to!
- Not at all.
- You did!
Who gives a shit?
It's their own fault for being Algerian!
You thought you could do
what you liked!
You owned the place!
Not at all.
Screw their desert, right?
I'll make some coffee.
Who wants coffee?
Have some cake.
Not at all. We didn't set off bombs.
It was research.
We know all about your research.
We know all about your research!
This will end in tears!
They'll kill one another!
This is terrible!
I have palpitations now.
I'll find a good talking point.
Say nothing!
Sorry, there's a problem
with the machine.
Our gift?
Yes, it's broken.
Do you want some tea?
I'll try to repair it.
I'll have a look.
Those home percolators they make now...
I'll buy a new one.
I don't mind.
Wait, no...
What're you doing?
If I were you, I'd start
by taking apart the pressurizer.
I'm not so sure.
I'll check the plugs first.
Personally,
I think it's a problem
with the filter.
The filter! Nonsense...
- Can you hold this?
- Open it first.
My father is always helping others.
But he can't help himself.
Maybe it pleases him
to please others.
No.
He'd be pleased if he could paint.
But he's a workman.
To him, a workman can't be an artist.
To me, my father...
is Van Gogh.
I enjoyed our talk.
I hope I wasn't too brusque.
That's just my character,
but it was very interesting actually.
I know what happened to your parents,
how they must have suffered.
And you too...
You think about them all the time.
You kept it bottled up
your whole life.
I just wanted to say...
I'm sure they'd be proud of you.
I'm sure of it.
Did we leave a food container?
I don't think so.
Mom...
You're crazy to say that to my mother.
You just don't realize.
Got a silent butler for the crumbs?
Bet you have.
You had no right.
I said what she longed to hear.
You never told her
'cause of your dumb taboos.
She's not happy.
Please tell me...
how a wacko like you can know
what's good for others!
They forgot something.
It must be your gift.
It's a surprise!
Open the door.
Lionel?
- Can I come in?
- Sure.
Come on in.
You're a bird fan?
That's a... mandarin duck.
Aix galericulata.
Come on through.
What'll you have to drink?
Where does the name Jospin come from?
Your name...
It's originally Flemish.
My ancestors, so to speak,
came from Flanders
to work in the textile factories
in the north of France.
There's only one family
with the name Jospin.
So, if I meet a Jospin,
he has to be a family member.
- A cousin!
- Right.
You're the only ones.
How did Baya manage
to persuade you to come here?
You don't ask things like that.
It's a gift.
Don't worry, Arthur.
She told me about her irresistible
political methods,
but as I'm left-wing,
she didn't seduce me,
which is a pity!
She said she had a friend,
her boyfriend,
who's a Jospinist.
I thought that a Jospinist nowadays
was as rare as a mandarin duck
on a French beach!
So, I came.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy, too.
Isn't he great?
Really great.
The country made a tragic mistake
in letting him go.
I didn't think he was so funny.
Sometimes life is more complex.
Right-wingers can do good things
and left-wingers shitty things.
No!
The left is good, the right is fascist.
If you compromise on that,
nothing makes sense.
I think that's a dumb attitude!
There are honest people everywhere...
and left-wing fascists.
Open your history books,
you're in for a big surprise!
I'm talking about here and now.
Communist and Gaullist
Resistance fighters have more in common
than Gaullists and Pétainists,
though both are right-wing.
That's a crap argument.
Politics is about ideas!
The right's always been about money,
nationalism, the law of the jungle.
Right-wing voters support that.
I don't care if they're nice
to their dogs,
which I very much doubt.
So, if you were in power,
you'd kill half the population
to build a better world?
No, I'd screw them!
- How much for the 3 lobsters?
- 80 euros.
Champagne leftie!
Wait! How many crabs can I have
for that price?
Around 7.
- Are they alive?
- Sure they are. Look.
I'll take the crabs.
Hurry, they're not moving.
They mustn't die.
I'm sad for the lobsters.
But a lobster's life is worth a crab's.
It's capitalism that says
a lobster's worth more, not nature.
It's better to save
7 crabs than 3 lobsters.
No?
But that's how many shrimps?
I'm happy with you, you know.
Here we are!
Look.
Now she doesn't have to learn.
What happened?
Oh, don't worry.
A few days' rest
and she'll be alright.
Mom?
Come in, I'm having a pee.
I'll wait here.
Come on in!
Come on.
My darling son...
You getting some rest?
Are you OK?
Having a rest?
It looks very... restful here.
And it's clean.
When you feel better, you'll go home.
I hear you've had
the automatic gate changed.
Very practical.
Ergonomic.
To get the car in.
Double arrow to the heart.
Right!
Well, I better be going.
They found a dead swan outside Paris.
But...
I'll be back soon.
Me too.
Mom...
Why did you never tell me
about your parents?
I wish you told me about them.
So I could at least imagine them.
You understand?
I was in his taxi when it happened.
He'd taken the exam.
They have to take taxi-driving exams.
When what happened?
When what happened?
He often took me in his taxi.
I loved it.
That day...
Mrs Martin, time for your jab.
When what happened?
Triple arrow to the heart.
The nurse interrupted her.
She was about to say
something important,
I think.
I have a secret, too.
As a kid, I had piano lessons.
And the teacher, Mr Boyer...
Piano's good.
You were saying?
Where did I put that thing?
Play me something.
Come on.
I didn't play much piano with Mr Boyer.
And I hold it against him...
because I was gifted.
Disgusting, isn't it?
You know...
I wish I could give you
as much as you give me.
Hello, Mohamed.
Am I disturbing you?
No problem. How are you doing?
Fine.
Well, I have a big favor to ask of you.
- I didn't tell Baya I'm here.
- You need a hand?
Exactly.
There was a burglary at work.
All the paintings on the walls
were stolen.
It's incredible, some people...
So, there are big white marks
on the walls.
I'll repaint all your offices.
I'll finish Jamel's scooter,
then I'll do it.
No, that's not it.
I don't know if you can help.
Baya told me you do little paintings.
You'd be doing me a big favor
if you could paint some
to replace the stolen ones.
- Sure. How many do you need?
- 30.
What kind of paintings? Landscapes?
Portraits? Abstract ones?
Whatever you like,
as long as they hide the marks.
Sure, sure.
Give me the dimensions,
I'll start right away.
That's so kind of you.
- No problem.
- Thanks so much.
I'm pleased to help.
You really are a big help.
I'll let you work.
Dad...
What's going on?
I'm so busy, honey.
I still have 17 to do.
Why 17?
Arthur asked me to replace
his stolen pictures.
It's a big job.
Didn't he tell you?
What's wrong?
Are you OK?
Yes.
Want some water?
Are you sure?
With Arthur Martin
simplify your life
Arthur, you have to come.
There's a problem.
Dad, look, I'm at work.
What's the problem?
Your mother's dead.
They found her in her room this morning.
It was the sleeping pills.
Finish what you're doing.
I'll call you later.
Fine.
I have something important to tell you!
Here goes... I love you!
You can't enter this safety area.
I only want to make love to you!
I want us to be together.
I want us to make love...
and politics!
And we'll be happy!
What's wrong?
I killed her,
mentioning her parents.
What can I do?
I can't handle it anymore.
You stir things up too much.
Get out of my life.
Arthur Martin,
is this dead swan
a real risk to the population?
Mr Martin?
- The swan...
- Yes.
We must remain vigilant.
If we lower our guard,
the danger increases exponentially.
Then, we've had it.
We can't be too careful.
I must forget Baya.
I have to get back to a normal life.
I have to start
by meeting normal women.
You see?
I'm proud to say I've never voted.
I don't understand politics.
That's great.
Not on the first date.
Of course.
I understand.
I have no idea where she is.
She just disappeared.
Her type aren't interested in our type.
Our type?
Guys like us,
the Martins, Leclercs, regular Joes.
We're nothing, transparent.
When your name's Ben Kerouf
or Goldenberg,
you're exotic, you're interesting.
They ask where you're from.
Lots must have happened to you.
7 letters.
I'll say "Bitches"I
I can see you're starting to relax!
That's a good sign.
Put 'em back in the sea.
- They'd be happier.
- No way.
Baya, I must see you again.
- Why?
- It's important.
I don't know...
Tomorrow afternoon.
Maybe. I'll have to see if I'm free,
but OK.
I don't believe it!
It's a joke!
You can't be with that guy!
He's a fascist. You said so!
A compulsive anti-Semite!
And your clothes!
What's happening to you?
I'm seen as an Arab for the first time.
Know what I mean?
At last I see the fascists'
scornful looks directed at me.
I think it does me good.
The body of a barnacle goose
was found in central France.
I soon established
it carried the H5N1 virus.
In application
of the principle of precaution
and to avoid an epidemic,
I approved
the destruction of local birds.
The gas is very effective.
It wipes them out in seconds.
Can you see the jets up there?
With this system,
we can treat 40 tons at a time.
40 tons!
There you are.
That day, I abandoned
the principle of precaution for good.
Hello, Baya Benmamoud.
Benmahmoud!
We invited you tonight,
because you've written
"In Bed With the Fascists",
an account
of how you try to convert
extremists
by having sexual relations,
in other words, sleeping with them.
I call myself a political whore.
The problem with fascists
is sex.
When you sleep with a fascist,
there's a moment
when he's receptive:
Just before he climaxes.
Then, you say lots of things
to his subconscious mind,
like with hypnosis.
For example, you say:
"Arabs aren't all thieves",
"Jews aren't all rich"...
Let me just say
that after the last, Hassini,
I decided to quit.
But I hope that this guide
will encourage others to start
and we'll change the world.
I was in his taxi when it happened.
He'd taken the exam.
They have to take taxi-driving exams.
When what happened?
He often took me in his taxi.
I loved it.
That day...
I ate whipped cream for the first time.
It's the happiest day of my life.
Jean-Pierre!
What's your name?
Arthur Martin.
Can't be easy
with such a ridiculous name.
I couldn't stand a name like that.
Lucky we'll never get married.
Marriage is right-wing, isn't it?
B... Baya Benmamoud.
We can never vote
for people we like.
Don't forget Sarkozy's slip.
What? I won't dirty my hands!
What's the point
of polling booths, then?
Notice that the type on left-winger
Ségolène Royal's slip was smaller?
Nonsense!
Don't forget the Interior Minister
organizes elections.
The bastard made his name bigger.
He did.
Show me Sarkozy's slip.
I don't have it...
Where is it?
It's my fault he got elected!
No!
There was 6% difference.
That's at least 2 million voters.
I know it's my fault!
I'll never get over it!
It was nevertheless
the happiest day of our life.
So, what's baby's name?
Chang.
Are his roots...?
Screw his roots.
Chang Martin?
Chang Martin-Benmahmoud.
What're you thinking?
Who will our baby be the foreigner of?
From Salonica
to Beni Saf to our parents.
How many roads did they cross?
Our grandparents, their fiancés.
How many doubts, how many sacrificed?
So that one day
our love.
How many "No" s?
"We don't want you"
My mother
My father
On the ground
Hidden
The dream of a future
Sacred freedom
Who will our baby
be the foreigner of?
Until the day
that love...
the South Korean team
had 7 players with the same surname:
Kim.
It was so complicated
that their first names
were added to their shirts.
But some also
had the same first name.
My name's Arthur Martin.
15,207 people in France
have the same name.
I've always felt
like I'm in the South Korean team.
My name's Baya Benmahmoud.
No one else in France
has that name.
Thanks for coming. I'm Alain Bédouet.
- Arthur Martin.
- Any connection to the...
Cookers? No.
Use the yellow mike, please.
We've had a lot of calls
about that duck.
The Phone is Ringing, hello.
What's your question?
OK, thank you, sir.
Hi, I'm Baya.
Pretty name.
Is it Brazilian?
Baya Benmahmoud. It's Algerian.
Arthur Martin, hello.
You work for the OED.
What does "OED" stand for?
Office of Epizootic Diseases.
The organization monitoring
the development of animal epidemics.
Since the discovery
of that dead duck in a village pond...
A mallard, to be precise.
A mallard, yes.
Should we expect an epidemic
of bird flu?
It's a complex subject, as you know.
We shouldn't minimize the risks
yet we needn't alarm people.
We must apply
the principle of precaution.
Let's listen to the first caller.
Hello, this is Isabelle.
Here's my question.
Hello. What is your question, please?
Do I press it?
They hung up.
Please hold.
You press that button.
My neighbor has sheep.
Are they likely to catch the virus?
Your question sucks!
Sheep don't get bird flu!
Ask around before you call!
Aren't people jerks?
The best thing is
not to let children go outside
and above all,
disinfect your shoes
before going inside.
Crazy!
But the hypothesis is
tens of thousands of deaths
in the next few years.
One moment, please.
But we mustn't minimize the risks.
Stop bugging us
with your fucking duck!
You're driving us crazy!
We don't care about bird flu.
Give it a rest!
Dear listeners,
someone has just burst into the studio.
Studies show
we need to remain vigilant.
I don't want to be.
You people make everyone fascist!
If it's not oysters, it's cows!
Then, what? Immigrants, right?
You don't realize what you're doing!
If you don't trust ducks,
that's a bad sign!
As you heard,
that wasn't a specialist...
Love By Any Name
It's wartime. My mother's 7 years old.
She just lost her parents.
Her and her three sisters
are saved by two pacifists
who hide hunted children
in the orphanage they set up.
She stays there till her wedding.
- What's your name?
- Annette Cohen.
Your new name is...
Annabelle Hake.
Hake, like the fish?
That's right!
Like the fish.
She owes them everything,
even her happiness.
She's a brilliant math student.
The advantage is, it stops the mind
from thinking of other things.
My father Lucien is in the same year.
So, my parents meet
on scientific grounds.
I've tried my hardest,
but I can't imagine him young.
Mr Martin, please come to the board.
Coming.
He's ultra-French, which suits Mom,
especially when he offers her his name:
Martin.
They marry in '59.
Their parents had different religions,
so they decide to have none.
I was born on March 22, 1961,
which surprises me, because I doubt
my parents ever made love.
Arthur?
So, that's Arthur Martin,
like the cookers.
Can't you see
I'll get that crap all my life?
They're very good cookers.
Practical, economical, ergonomic...
They're very high-tech.
I had an idea for a name.
Good.
Give me that name.
Dean.
Dean Martin!
Dean Martin?
Arthur! Let's stick with Arthur.
In 1957, in Beni Saf,
a village near Oran,
my father Mohamed is 7.
Algeria is still French.
He likes military parades,
but he'd prefer cowboys
to soldiers, because he loves
westerns with Gary Cooper,
which he secretly goes and sees
at the cinema.
He likes school and his French teacher,
but he has a passion for drawing.
He's gifted.
He draws all he sees.
Here, he draws his grandfather
and 7 uncles for the last time.
They're shot by the French army.
Without a trial.
My father thinks Gary Cooper
will show up and free them.
His Mom finds the pictures.
My father feels so ashamed.
He won't show them
to anyone after that.
Despite what happened to his family,
I never heard him criticize the French.
I think that's weird.
My father was in Algeria then, too.
But he never told me
what he did over there.
My father comes to France
in the mid-70s.
At the time, my mother,
Cécile Delivet is a hippy.
Her folks are rich and French.
She hates rich French folk,
fine food, vulgar jokes,
the consumer society, nuclear power,
Alain Delon cop films,
the French national anthem,
hunting trophies,
the smug West, and horse butchers.
But one day, she discovers
she hates someone more than the rest.
My father is a penniless war victim
and an illegal alien.
To Mom, that's so cool!
Pinochet's fascist regime
was put in power by the CIA lackeys!
Excuse me, mister!
Please support the people of Chile.
Help our Chilean comrades imprisoned
by Pinochet's fascist junta
which is in league with the CIA.
Thank you.
Comrade!
- The petition!
- No, it's OK, I...
I'll keep it.
No, you have to give it back to me.
My parents get married in '72.
My Mom is delighted
to lose her French name.
My Dad's pleased to marry
an anti-colonialist.
I'm born soon after,
closely followed by my 2 brothers.
In 1981, Mom writes
to President Mitterrand.
His wife gets Dad
French papers after 6 years in hiding.
Since then,
I've worshipped Mitterrand
and the left-wing unconditionally.
But in July 1999,
Mom tells me I misunderstood.
Right-wing President Giscard d'Estaing's
wife got him the papers.
Mrs Giscard d'Estaing!
Are you sure?
It's horrible!
Our living room
is always full of kids,
more or less extreme militants,
neighbors who make yogurt cake,
and weird, stinky men.
My parents take in all the homeless.
Until one hits me
for being too badly brought up.
Then, they choose their homeless.
No one ever visits my parents.
They moved to the middle of nowhere
so the Nazis wouldn't find my mother.
My parents aren't interested in people
but in new technology.
For Christmas 1976,
they buy one of the first VCRs.
A Betamax.
A few months later,
although Betamax is superior to VHS,
it's taken off the market.
We're stuck with hundreds of tapes.
My parents systematically buy
technically superior objects
which are a flop.
Look, Lucien. With this box,
you can change channels
without having to stand up.
It'll revolutionize people's lives.
- It's a remote control.
- It's great.
It's marvelous.
It's wonderful.
It's a Laserdisc.
A whole film fits on it.
It'll replace VHS.
No more messing with tapes!
I like Socialist Lionel Jospin
for the same reason.
He's superior to the others,
but never wins.
As he likes painting,
Dad becomes a painter.
He works hard
so we want for nothing.
So, we want for nothing
but the presence of my father
who works hard so we want for nothing.
Dad works in nuclear power.
See, Arthur,
that...
is my power station.
Pretty, isn't she?
Dad persuaded me
that nuclear power is safe,
because before going on vacation,
he checked everything 15 times.
The doors, gas, electricity...
It was such a pain.
He'd even open the gas tap
to check it was shut.
So, I imagined he did the same
with his power station.
Did you shut the plutonium store?
Are you sure? Should I check?
Dad has a hard life.
He's had it rough,
but I envy him really, because
nothing will ever happen to me.
I look French.
No one will ever call me "Dirty Ay-rab".
Anyway,
my parents always protect me.
Luckily, we meet Mr Boyer.
He offers to give me piano lessons.
I don't experience war or racism,
but I do experience
Mr Boyer's piano lessons.
You see, we don't play much piano
during his lessons.
My life becomes exciting
as I mustn't tell my parents.
Now you can look.
It's a really good present, you know.
When I tell them the truth,
Dad decides to kill Mr Boyer,
because he doesn't trust the police.
Mr Boyer leaves that day
with no forwarding address.
My parents are champions at taboos.
They're very puritanical.
Why must they use naked women
for their advertisements?
I wanted to buy some cheese.
Come along.
How vulgar!
Another example:
After close observation,
I notice we all scratch our ass.
As far as I know, we never mentioned it
to anyone, least of all a doctor.
We'd rather die of a disease
than of shame!
That said,
on the podium of family taboos,
my grandparents' deportation
is a clear winner.
In 47 years,
I've only managed to find out
2 things about them:
They came from Greece
and Grandpa
was a Paris taxi driver.
As for the rest... total silence.
Here's Lischka...
By the late 70s,
it's hard to avoid the subject
as our taboo is a national obsession.
The roundup
saw 13,000 Jews interned,
then exterminated in Auschwitz.
I'm overwhelmed to be here.
I think I'm on borrowed time.
Every day is a stay of execution.
Compared to the others,
I'm not entitled to it.
Barbie the Butcher
is not presumed innocent, they say.
Vowel.
"I".
Vowel.
"E".
Consonant.
"D".
France discusses war crimes
all day long.
In our house, we tie ourselves in knots
to ignore it all.
G- E-N-O-C-I-D-E.
6 points for Mr Lévêque.
We don't mention
Mr Boyer's lessons ever again.
5, 500 children
were sexually abused
last year in France.
In the early 90s,
our family taboo
becomes a national obsession.
Belgian child molester Dutroux...
Watching TV becomes tricky.
Maurice Papon arrives at the courts
to be tried for war crimes...
We'll continue our lesson
on deportation.
One day, they put up a plaque
to child deportees
who'd spent some time in my school.
But the deportation
is my secret garden,
and I don't appreciate the competition.
What do we mean
by the Duty of Remembrance?
Yes?
We must remember
those who died in the war.
And why is that?
Because innocent kids were killed
and it's so sad if we forget them.
That's why there are plaques.
Yes?
But why only remember their deaths?
What do you mean, Martin?
Well, if I imagine I've been killed...
Every day, I go past that thing
that reminds me how horrible it was.
Well, it's not very nice.
I think we should remember the day
they ate whipped cream
for the first time, say.
It would say:
"Children ate whipped cream
here for the first time."
You're weird. That's meaningless.
Think you're smart?
I brought you here to talk
about deportation, not whipped cream.
In junior high,
I won't go out with boys
as I'm scared they'll find out
I have a problem with sex.
In high school, I sleep around
as I'm scared they'll find out
I have a problem with sex.
A lot of sexually abused children
reproduce what they went through
as adults.
Many prostitutes
suffered abuse in their childhood.
So, for my future career,
I have 2 choices:
Pedophile or whore.
I'll choose whoring.
Hey!
- Got a mustache?
- Yeah.
You have beautiful eyes.
Girls don't like me, but one day,
I realize there's one way
of getting them interested in me.
I don't know if I mentioned it,
but my grandparents died
in Auschwitz.
Only my mother escaped being gassed.
How horrible.
Yeah, I know.
- You must have suffered.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you say?
I dunno...
Silence isn't good.
Yes, you should've told us.
Yes, but...
it's not the kind of thing
you just blurt out.
- That's why you joked at school?
- Yes.
Suddenly they like me.
It's Jewish humor -
laughing at tragedy.
I knew you were different.
You Jews are so sensitive,
because of your past.
Shame creeps over me.
My grandparents died, my Mom suffered,
I reap the rewards.
It's disgusting.
No, I was just kidding.
My name's Arthur Martin.
I was born in Smallville.
What a jerk.
- It's a laugh.
- I don't believe it.
I decide never to mention it again.
My name's Arthur Martin.
It makes for a quiet life.
Miss!
I can't let you say that.
You got me fired.
There's a real epizootic risk.
Mind the door, it's...
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
H5N1 is a very resistant virus.
We must remain on the alert.
Like you say,
there's no point in scaring people.
I understand your anger...
Want a drink?
Your name's Arthur Martin?
That's very French.
Very.
So, you're right-wing?
Not at all. I support Lionel Jospin.
He made the precautionary principle
part of the constitution.
I'm Baya.
People think it's Brazilian.
It's Algerian.
Baya Benmahmoud.
Got anything against Arabs?
No. You called me a fascist earlier...
France is full of fascists.
Did you never notice?
Whites are fascist, blacks are,
Jews are, even Arabs are fascist.
The Chinese must be fascist, too,
but I don't know any.
I wanted to show you the...
the statistics indicating the evolution
of the epizootic.
It's going up
and up, see?
You're a veterinarian?
Yes, I specialize in dead animals.
I study the causes of death.
Your place or mine?
- What?
- Don't you want to sleep with me?
Well, the thing is...
I can't, because I have to carry out
a necropsy
on some geese.
A necropsy
is like an autopsy, but on animals.
Can't it wait? They're dead, right?
Yes, but...
the virus doesn't survive for long.
Odd, isn't it?
But some other time maybe,
I'd be glad to.
That won't be possible.
I always sleep on a first date.
A matter of principle.
Each to their own, yeah?
I'm really sorry, but it can't wait.
Well, too bad. See ya!
See... ya.
The girl already paid.
What're you doing?
You passed up a great lay.
Leave me alone.
Maybe she was your soul mate.
Be honest,
didn't you feel it in your balls?
Don't talk to me like that.
I could be her father.
So what? She asked you.
I have principles.
You've always messed up with women.
It's pathetic.
What about Muguette and Mélanie?
And I spent 5 years with Brigitte.
You didn't love them.
You just weren't scared of them.
Dad...
That's beautiful.
It's nothing.
Let's show your work to a gallery.
I have to repair Mrs Martinez's car.
Another day, then.
I can't do it another day, either.
I have to fix the Belkacems' alarm clock,
Toufik's scooter...
I don't need a thing.
I want to make you happy, Dad!
No point. Make yourself happy.
It's impossible to make Dad happy.
It drives me crazy.
I showed them your work
and they loved it.
Do you realize, your painting's
on show here in your lifetime?
I'm very pleased.
But I have to go fix
Mrs Pupovac's toaster.
They can't have toast for breakfast.
Dammit, Dad!
Gauguin, Van Gogh, Benmahmoud!
Yes... it's pretty...
But it's hard
not having toast for breakfast.
I've tried to teach Mom
to ride for ages.
I'm holding you.
Her parents didn't have time.
I'm not holding you.
These are the only times
I can be alone with her.
I hope she'll talk to me
about her childhood.
There were lots of bikes
when you were little.
You lived in Paris?
But it's no use.
I think the Greeks invented the bicycle.
You should know...
Why?
Because...
Leonardo da Vinci invented the bicycle.
Don't you know that?
It's 8 PM. Here are
the Presidential election results.
1st place, right-winger Chirac.
A huge surprise:
Nationalist Le Pen is second.
What about Jospin?
3rd: Left-winger Jospin
with 16%...
Chirac has a hearing aid.
They make some very small ones now.
Completely invisible.
Amazing.
We could get one.
We're not deaf yet.
That's true.
Arthur Martin.
Vote cast.
Baya Benmahmoud.
Hello.
What's wrong?
I voted for Chirac!
It's horrible!
Come back to my place!
I don't want to be alone.
Shit! I don't have
anything to eat at home.
Do you want to make love first
or buy some food after?
Go to the shops
before they close, right?
Yeah, that's safer.
Shit! I forgot the coriander.
- Does it matter?
- Can't make chorba without it.
I'll go get it.
Excuse me, you...
You'll wait for me, right?
Nassim!
Baya!
How are you doing?
- Good to see you. You OK?
- Fine.
Coming to celebrate the publication
of the "New Orient"?
Oh, shit! Yeah, sure I'm coming.
Don't forget the leaflets.
You know what? I'll go get them now!
Off you go.
See you later.
Not long now...
Go ahead.
My cellphone's ringing.
Her birthday's today?
I gotta go buy a gift!
8 PM? You mean 8 o'clock at night?
I always choose the best presents.
No problem, I forgot,
but I won't forget now.
She won't be much longer.
I won't forget, I'm onto it.
She loves earrings.
I'll get her earrings.
See you later.
Hey, you never see a woman?
You should be ashamed.
The phone rang,
and I was putting on a t-shirt,
then my cellphone rang,
and I dropped the t-shirt.
I'm so muddle-headed.
I lack rigor. I can't multitask.
One thought just leads to another.
Come in.
I think there's some pasta.
Sex first or food?
I'm not very hungry.
What?
I think naked women paralyze me.
That's weird.
What can I do for you?
When I think about our first night,
I can clearly see a nuclear explosion
in the French South Pacific.
That's a pretty tune.
Very moving...
Baya, I mean.
Excuse me, what are you doing here?
You are...?
At home.
Eric Bernard.
Arthur Martin.
Like the cookers.
I'm putting her up.
I really like her,
but she gives me a hard time.
Meaning?
Sleeping around.
I accept it.
I accept everything she does.
Don't you?
But I'll tell you a secret.
I don't like Arabs.
I hate 'em. It's not my fault,
I can't help it.
Musicians don't say that,
'cause they're all a bunch
of left-wingers.
Are you a musician?
No.
Coffee?
- You're not going back to bed?
- No.
- I need some sleep.
- Go ahead.
You sleep with him?
Isn't he a big asshole?
Did you notice?
You sleep with him?
What's it to you?
Well, goodbye.
Well, OK...
Beat it.
Let me explain. You'll feel better.
I don't have time. I have to go.
They found a guinea-fowl.
I fuck right-wing guys, you see.
Your place is ugly.
When I say I fuck 'em, I really do.
It's not a metaphor.
She said she applied
the old 60s slogan,
"Make love, not war".
For several years, she slept with
her political enemies to convert them.
She used her body as a weapon
of mass destruction of fascists.
She used the term "fascist"
very broadly.
I can do great things with my ass.
I mean, you can never convince people
you don't agree with.
It's much better to use sex.
Look, I brought you my notebook.
When I met this guy,
he was in charge of the youth section
of Chirac's party.
How can you be young and right-wing?
Now look at him!
He raises sheep.
Isn't that great? See that?
He was a stock trader.
Now he makes pancakes.
He ran a quad bike club.
Now he does Capoeira.
The conversion time varies according
to their stupidity. Nationalist
supporters take at least 10 days.
For a centrist, in an afternoon
it's done.
Why quad bikes?
Why?
They're fascists. Didn't you know?
Massive fascists.
But me...
Why me? I support Jospin.
It's not the same.
I... like you.
I don't know why.
Normally old-fashioned guys like you...
- And your gooses...
- Geese.
One goose, two geese.
Oh, no, they won't make it in time.
They'll get the next one.
Fuck!
Can't you wait
for these folks to get on?
- You OK?
- What a fuss!
I do.
By the authority vested in me,
I hereby declare you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Aboubacar, meet Arthur.
Congratulations.
- Hope you get your papers.
- Me too. I'll leave you together.
See ya!
Are you sleeping with him?
No, he's not right-wing.
You think so?
- Meet my parents.
- Are they here?
It is my wedding.
It's my third.
I can't go faster,
'cause it's hard to divorce.
Your parents must be quite young if...
No. Well, like you.
Dad, meet Arthur.
Hello. Baya told me
so much about you.
He's my father.
They kind of look alike...
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
This is Arthur Martin.
- Good cookers. Reliable...
- Ergonomic.
Very good.
You're not married?
- No.
- Good.
Radija!
Can you come here?
Radija, meet Arthur Martin.
A perfect husband.
Oh, no.
You don't have to sleep with her.
Anyway, let's meet up
on Monday for the formalities.
Because the authorities
are very strict now.
So, she lives with you for a year.
The toothbrushes in the same mug.
That's what we recommend.
Her clothes in the closet...
You have to be seen together,
so go out.
Baya said you're well-off.
As for the bed... for a while,
you sleep in the same bed,
but you can sleep head to toe.
Not my problem!
Don't forget the pubic hair.
They can do DNA tests now, so cut off
some pubic hair,
put it in the bed.
Just rub her, it'll come off.
Above all, the kids' toys...
What kids?
Radija's two children.
Of course!
They're so cute.
But you must get them some toys.
The cops won't buy it
if the kids have no toys.
They might think you mistreat them.
It can go very wrong.
Personally, I don't give a shit.
I'm only saying it for your benefit.
Of course!
- See you on Monday.
- But...
Your Mom's as crazy as you are!
You disappointed us.
I won't get married
just to please your parents!
You don't understand.
When my Dad came here,
he lived on the streets,
living in fear of the cops.
It took 6 years to get papers.
Yeah, so?
Now he's French, it's important to him.
Only foreigners really deserve
to be French.
When you're called Martin, it's simple.
You don't think about being French.
But when you're colonized...
Oh, don't play the victim card!
"Our people suffered so much!"
Hey, I'm not a victim of anything.
I think children of victims overdo it.
"My forefathers were slaves.
Mine were colonized..."
Blah, blah, blah!
- They're all you hear.
- You are a jerk!
What're you doing here?
Shouldn't you tell her now?
Butt out. Tell her what?
Your mother,
your grandparents' deportation...
- Think so?
- Yeah.
Baya...
Listen...
In my family, too...
- I mean...
- What?
My father fought in Algeria, too.
Oh, yeah?
Great.
Rough, isn't it?
What're you doing?
Yes, Dad. Just a sec.
Coming.
Go ahead.
Lamb...
Fine.
I pumped up my tires to 35 psi.
I said my tires
are pumped up to 35 psi.
I think so.
OK, Dad.
I have to go.
- OK, let's go.
- No, you can't come.
My parents are horrible.
Why?
It's nothing.
I can't tell you. They're...
I need some coffee.
She'll shock them,
say something stupid.
So what? It'd do them good.
What're you doing?
It'll end badly.
You don't have any idea.
What're you doing?
I completely forgot my taekwondo class.
- What?
- Taekwondo.
I've always loved taekwondo.
So, I can't go to my parents'. Pity.
Another time.
Is your oil level OK?
Fine! Just fine, thanks.
I'm bored without your ass.
We bought a GPS navigator.
It's great. You should get one.
A Palm! Let me see!
Hey...
Do you know
why all computer keyboards...
are QWERTY?
What?
The first line on a keyboard.
The order of the letters.
QWERTY.
Think about it.
I suppose it's the best layout
for your fingers to type the words.
Not at all! It's the exact opposite!
It dates back to those old typewriters.
They had a flaw.
When you typed letters
that were too close,
the typebars would get stuck.
So, they put
the most common letters far apart.
When computers came out,
they kept the old keyboard.
People were used to it.
- It's not practical.
- Indeed.
I'll show you
the Marsan keyboard,
named after its designer.
Look at the layout.
That's the ideal layout.
It'd be much simpler to type on that.
For 30 years,
he tried to persuade manufacturers -
in vain.
He's dead now. That's sad, isn't it?
Leave him alone.
We're boring him.
His mind is on things which are...
far more interesting.
I want you so much!
Meet Pierre-Antoine.
He runs the junior employers' union.
Hello, sir.
Run along now.
I'll see you on Tuesday.
No problem. Neat!
I'll get my things.
I wanted to be a concert pianist,
not a whore.
- I was very gifted.
- Really?
But there was a slight hitch.
You'll have a rough time with me,
but at least I know about sex.
I can teach you a lot.
That's great, 'cause I always dreamed
of meeting a woman like you.
Mr Ben Alleb, you represent
a secular Muslim group.
First of all, what is your position
on women wearing veils in school?
Let me just say
that we're citizens, not Muslims.
We've merely come into contact
with Muslim culture.
We're not based on religion
or community.
I'd like to return to why
I signed something in which
I do not really recognize myself.
He should get to the point.
He has to be clearer.
Your culture is indeed complex,
but let's go back to the veil.
It's so simplistic.
It's as if, for Arabs,
there's no such thing
as freedom to believe...
To doubt!
Let me now turn to Hassan Hassini.
What are your arguments?
Mr Ben Alleb,
your side keeps advocating
assimilation. It hasn't worked.
Say what you like,
but our children will never be accepted.
They have the wrong skin color,
the wrong religion, the wrong name.
He's a communitarian!
It suits him to pigeonhole people.
With the journalist's help.
The 60s are over.
You don't have to kowtow
to the racist from the 3rd floor anymore.
Be proud of our faith!
Hassini crystallizes
people's frustrations.
He isn't the problem.
The problem of being a Muslim
is our position in this country.
You're put in a pigeonhole.
If your name's Fatima or Aicha,
you're a Muslim.
I'm an atheist,
but my culture is Muslim.
The second thing is,
how to be a Muslim
and not be pigeonholed?
It annoys me, because communitarians
like that encourage the fascists.
To me, a guy like Hassini
is a fascist,
anti-Semitic and anti-gay!
They're basically allies.
Take Sarkozy. When he talks to Arabs,
he only talks to Muslims, like Hassini.
The 3 million Arabs in France
aren't all Muslim!
I love it when you're angry!
I'm gonna screw him!
I won't be long. Wait here.
Hello.
Mr Hassini, I admire you so much.
My name's Baya Benmahmoud.
My family's from Beni Saf,
a village near Oran.
Your family comes from there, too.
I'm half and half:
French and Algerian.
Mixed race.
I know I don't look Algerian,
but in my heart, I am.
Beni Saf, the hotel, the fishermen...
What do you want?
Don't I look like a whore?
That's why I came to see you.
I need advice from someone like you.
But she's too liberated for me.
It's a nightmare.
I will mention you when I have time.
I'm not ashamed. I haven't had time.
Didn't they speak French?
I don't know.
I suppose they spoke Greek. Right?
Is that Greek?
Have you noticed?
No one knows what it sounds like.
We know what German
or Russian sound like.
So, tell Baya.
Will you all stop busting my balls?
When you meet someone, you don't have
to tell them your full family history.
Let's go.
I'm on the right track with "Ass-ini".
I'll write him up in my notebook.
I love it when you sulk!
What're you playing at?
Wait, not here!
Who could see us?
Mom!
- Why're you here?
- I have to redo my papers.
What?
As I left the post office,
a pair of hands grabbed my neck.
It was a big black guy,
one with huge feet like you see nowadays.
He was holding a knife with a blade
that pops out. What's it called?
- A switchblade.
- Right.
People think
the blade comes out of the handle,
but it pivots out.
It's an optical illusion. Odd...
Mom, the facts...
So, Mrs Serrano picked me up.
She said we're not safe
with all these blacks and Arabs.
Baya's a pretty name.
Is it Brazilian?
Yes, sort of.
People always have to make
racist comments.
It's awkward, isn't it?
It really is.
Especially as I was on the ground.
Oh, Mrs Martin, good to see you.
My word, Arthur!
- My papers were stolen.
- Well, we'll redo them.
I need a rent receipt,
a photo, and your birth certificate.
The birth certificate?
I must have lost it.
Yes, but we need it.
You'll have to find it.
There must be a way of redoing
the papers without it, Patricia?
Got a nationality certificate?
Your parents were French?
This is unbelievable! Are you a cop?
Please stay out of this.
Were your parents French?
Maybe, because they were cousins...
They applied
for French citizenship after...
So, they weren't French.
But I am.
What proves that you're French?
I need proof, it's the law.
So many people cheat...
You've known her for 30 years!
Her only trip abroad was
to Andorra for duty-frees!
- Her date of birth?
- November 5, 1933.
- Parents' names?
- What?
- Parents' names?
- Cohen.
"Cone" as in geometry?
No, Cohen.
So her parents were...
Where's she gone?
Don't worry, I'll deal with your papers.
Where?
Auschwitz, I think.
That's fantastic!
You're a Jew, I'm an Arab!
Lots of our family died
'cause of French cops!
This is so cool!
The two of us embody France, see?
Our families are like two slices
of history making love!
It makes me want to cry.
I'm not Jewish.
I'm not a believer.
I don't go to the synagogue, I don't care
about Israel, my name's Arthur Martin!
- You're ashamed.
- No!
- Are you a Muslim?
- No!
Jewish isn't the same.
It is. We're half-breeds.
We don't know who we are
or where we're from.
And that's just fine.
OK, we're half-breeds.
But there are millions of us.
We should go forth and multiply!
The day there's nothing but half-breeds,
there'll be peace.
We're the future of humanity.
That's hybrid vitality.
What?
In biology, two animals which mate
despite having
a different genetic inheritance.
That's beautiful.
Oh, no!
Come on.
No, you're stigmatizing me.
- I'm stigmatizing you?
- Yes, you are.
Like my forehead says
"Jew" on it.
"Hi, my family was gassed.
How are you?"
"C"...
Got it! Cohen!
What were their first names?
I don't know. Sara and David, I think.
- There are several.
- Yep.
To the Jews, Cohen is like Martin.
There are too many with the same name.
I'll go ask. We'll find them.
You shouldn't forget us.
I don't know you.
Why should I remember you?
If you forget us,
that means they won.
Leave me alone!
How is our daughter?
Yes.
My mother just needed photos
for her new identity card.
But a recent law forbade you
from smiling in the photo.
Don't move.
Annette!
You know you can't smile
in identity photos anymore.
Concentrate.
Since this business with her papers,
Mom was not well.
Of course Dad hadn't told me
as it was important!
Here goes... Don't move.
There's no way...
Come on, it'll be alright, don't worry.
It'll be OK.
Global warming?
Global warming equals oil
equals nuclear power.
Don't mention that to my father,
you'll annoy him.
Well, what's left?
Traffic jams?
Are you kidding?
Traffic jams equal
taxis equal Grandpa
equals Auschwitz.
I don't want you mentioning the subject.
So, we can't talk
about anything with them?
Exactly. It took me years
to find ways to talk about nothing.
It'll be great fun!
You invited them.
What do you think?
Look.
No.
And this?
It's the same one.
No, it's purple.
This?
Look.
Now?
Yes!
It's a pity.
My tits would've been
a talking point.
I think it'll be sunny tomorrow.
What's your job?
Well, I'm not working at the moment.
But I've done lots of jobs.
- Such as?
- The rail road.
On the trains.
The rail road trains.
The Pullman cars.
An excellent company.
I was also a camp counselor.
When I say "camp",
I don't mean "camp"...
A camp with tents and children and...
You know?
Yes, summer camp.
Right.
And at one point...
I was a nurse's aide.
- Where?
- Jewsville.
In a hospital.
And how's Mrs Berthommier?
She's dead.
It's delicious.
How do you do it?
Simple. In the oven.
I'll... get the...
I'm sorry!
- I can't do this!
- It'll be OK.
Why am I like that?
I hate myself at times.
Get all the taboo words
out of your system now.
Good idea.
Gas chamber, deportation, Jew!
Iceberg, Nazi, euthanasia,
Woody Allen!
Who's that?
It must be my parents.
I asked them to come for dessert.
Dad, Arthur's father
knows Algeria well.
That's good.
Where did you go?
Around Constantine.
It's pretty there.
A large part of our family was killed
by the French army.
What did you go for?
Who wants more cake?
It's delicious.
I'm fine. I have some bread.
You have it.
I already have some. Go ahead.
Keep some for you tomorrow.
It won't be good then.
I spent 2 years over there.
I was in a scientific unit.
Oh, OK...
A scientific unit? You mean...
Nuclear research.
I'd just graduated.
I must say we made
a lot of progress at the time.
A great leap forward.
You mean, thanks to the war?
In a way.
You did nuclear tests in the desert
without telling the locals
what you were up to!
- Not at all.
- You did!
Who gives a shit?
It's their own fault for being Algerian!
You thought you could do
what you liked!
You owned the place!
Not at all.
Screw their desert, right?
I'll make some coffee.
Who wants coffee?
Have some cake.
Not at all. We didn't set off bombs.
It was research.
We know all about your research.
We know all about your research!
This will end in tears!
They'll kill one another!
This is terrible!
I have palpitations now.
I'll find a good talking point.
Say nothing!
Sorry, there's a problem
with the machine.
Our gift?
Yes, it's broken.
Do you want some tea?
I'll try to repair it.
I'll have a look.
Those home percolators they make now...
I'll buy a new one.
I don't mind.
Wait, no...
What're you doing?
If I were you, I'd start
by taking apart the pressurizer.
I'm not so sure.
I'll check the plugs first.
Personally,
I think it's a problem
with the filter.
The filter! Nonsense...
- Can you hold this?
- Open it first.
My father is always helping others.
But he can't help himself.
Maybe it pleases him
to please others.
No.
He'd be pleased if he could paint.
But he's a workman.
To him, a workman can't be an artist.
To me, my father...
is Van Gogh.
I enjoyed our talk.
I hope I wasn't too brusque.
That's just my character,
but it was very interesting actually.
I know what happened to your parents,
how they must have suffered.
And you too...
You think about them all the time.
You kept it bottled up
your whole life.
I just wanted to say...
I'm sure they'd be proud of you.
I'm sure of it.
Did we leave a food container?
I don't think so.
Mom...
You're crazy to say that to my mother.
You just don't realize.
Got a silent butler for the crumbs?
Bet you have.
You had no right.
I said what she longed to hear.
You never told her
'cause of your dumb taboos.
She's not happy.
Please tell me...
how a wacko like you can know
what's good for others!
They forgot something.
It must be your gift.
It's a surprise!
Open the door.
Lionel?
- Can I come in?
- Sure.
Come on in.
You're a bird fan?
That's a... mandarin duck.
Aix galericulata.
Come on through.
What'll you have to drink?
Where does the name Jospin come from?
Your name...
It's originally Flemish.
My ancestors, so to speak,
came from Flanders
to work in the textile factories
in the north of France.
There's only one family
with the name Jospin.
So, if I meet a Jospin,
he has to be a family member.
- A cousin!
- Right.
You're the only ones.
How did Baya manage
to persuade you to come here?
You don't ask things like that.
It's a gift.
Don't worry, Arthur.
She told me about her irresistible
political methods,
but as I'm left-wing,
she didn't seduce me,
which is a pity!
She said she had a friend,
her boyfriend,
who's a Jospinist.
I thought that a Jospinist nowadays
was as rare as a mandarin duck
on a French beach!
So, I came.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy, too.
Isn't he great?
Really great.
The country made a tragic mistake
in letting him go.
I didn't think he was so funny.
Sometimes life is more complex.
Right-wingers can do good things
and left-wingers shitty things.
No!
The left is good, the right is fascist.
If you compromise on that,
nothing makes sense.
I think that's a dumb attitude!
There are honest people everywhere...
and left-wing fascists.
Open your history books,
you're in for a big surprise!
I'm talking about here and now.
Communist and Gaullist
Resistance fighters have more in common
than Gaullists and Pétainists,
though both are right-wing.
That's a crap argument.
Politics is about ideas!
The right's always been about money,
nationalism, the law of the jungle.
Right-wing voters support that.
I don't care if they're nice
to their dogs,
which I very much doubt.
So, if you were in power,
you'd kill half the population
to build a better world?
No, I'd screw them!
- How much for the 3 lobsters?
- 80 euros.
Champagne leftie!
Wait! How many crabs can I have
for that price?
Around 7.
- Are they alive?
- Sure they are. Look.
I'll take the crabs.
Hurry, they're not moving.
They mustn't die.
I'm sad for the lobsters.
But a lobster's life is worth a crab's.
It's capitalism that says
a lobster's worth more, not nature.
It's better to save
7 crabs than 3 lobsters.
No?
But that's how many shrimps?
I'm happy with you, you know.
Here we are!
Look.
Now she doesn't have to learn.
What happened?
Oh, don't worry.
A few days' rest
and she'll be alright.
Mom?
Come in, I'm having a pee.
I'll wait here.
Come on in!
Come on.
My darling son...
You getting some rest?
Are you OK?
Having a rest?
It looks very... restful here.
And it's clean.
When you feel better, you'll go home.
I hear you've had
the automatic gate changed.
Very practical.
Ergonomic.
To get the car in.
Double arrow to the heart.
Right!
Well, I better be going.
They found a dead swan outside Paris.
But...
I'll be back soon.
Me too.
Mom...
Why did you never tell me
about your parents?
I wish you told me about them.
So I could at least imagine them.
You understand?
I was in his taxi when it happened.
He'd taken the exam.
They have to take taxi-driving exams.
When what happened?
When what happened?
He often took me in his taxi.
I loved it.
That day...
Mrs Martin, time for your jab.
When what happened?
Triple arrow to the heart.
The nurse interrupted her.
She was about to say
something important,
I think.
I have a secret, too.
As a kid, I had piano lessons.
And the teacher, Mr Boyer...
Piano's good.
You were saying?
Where did I put that thing?
Play me something.
Come on.
I didn't play much piano with Mr Boyer.
And I hold it against him...
because I was gifted.
Disgusting, isn't it?
You know...
I wish I could give you
as much as you give me.
Hello, Mohamed.
Am I disturbing you?
No problem. How are you doing?
Fine.
Well, I have a big favor to ask of you.
- I didn't tell Baya I'm here.
- You need a hand?
Exactly.
There was a burglary at work.
All the paintings on the walls
were stolen.
It's incredible, some people...
So, there are big white marks
on the walls.
I'll repaint all your offices.
I'll finish Jamel's scooter,
then I'll do it.
No, that's not it.
I don't know if you can help.
Baya told me you do little paintings.
You'd be doing me a big favor
if you could paint some
to replace the stolen ones.
- Sure. How many do you need?
- 30.
What kind of paintings? Landscapes?
Portraits? Abstract ones?
Whatever you like,
as long as they hide the marks.
Sure, sure.
Give me the dimensions,
I'll start right away.
That's so kind of you.
- No problem.
- Thanks so much.
I'm pleased to help.
You really are a big help.
I'll let you work.
Dad...
What's going on?
I'm so busy, honey.
I still have 17 to do.
Why 17?
Arthur asked me to replace
his stolen pictures.
It's a big job.
Didn't he tell you?
What's wrong?
Are you OK?
Yes.
Want some water?
Are you sure?
With Arthur Martin
simplify your life
Arthur, you have to come.
There's a problem.
Dad, look, I'm at work.
What's the problem?
Your mother's dead.
They found her in her room this morning.
It was the sleeping pills.
Finish what you're doing.
I'll call you later.
Fine.
I have something important to tell you!
Here goes... I love you!
You can't enter this safety area.
I only want to make love to you!
I want us to be together.
I want us to make love...
and politics!
And we'll be happy!
What's wrong?
I killed her,
mentioning her parents.
What can I do?
I can't handle it anymore.
You stir things up too much.
Get out of my life.
Arthur Martin,
is this dead swan
a real risk to the population?
Mr Martin?
- The swan...
- Yes.
We must remain vigilant.
If we lower our guard,
the danger increases exponentially.
Then, we've had it.
We can't be too careful.
I must forget Baya.
I have to get back to a normal life.
I have to start
by meeting normal women.
You see?
I'm proud to say I've never voted.
I don't understand politics.
That's great.
Not on the first date.
Of course.
I understand.
I have no idea where she is.
She just disappeared.
Her type aren't interested in our type.
Our type?
Guys like us,
the Martins, Leclercs, regular Joes.
We're nothing, transparent.
When your name's Ben Kerouf
or Goldenberg,
you're exotic, you're interesting.
They ask where you're from.
Lots must have happened to you.
7 letters.
I'll say "Bitches"I
I can see you're starting to relax!
That's a good sign.
Put 'em back in the sea.
- They'd be happier.
- No way.
Baya, I must see you again.
- Why?
- It's important.
I don't know...
Tomorrow afternoon.
Maybe. I'll have to see if I'm free,
but OK.
I don't believe it!
It's a joke!
You can't be with that guy!
He's a fascist. You said so!
A compulsive anti-Semite!
And your clothes!
What's happening to you?
I'm seen as an Arab for the first time.
Know what I mean?
At last I see the fascists'
scornful looks directed at me.
I think it does me good.
The body of a barnacle goose
was found in central France.
I soon established
it carried the H5N1 virus.
In application
of the principle of precaution
and to avoid an epidemic,
I approved
the destruction of local birds.
The gas is very effective.
It wipes them out in seconds.
Can you see the jets up there?
With this system,
we can treat 40 tons at a time.
40 tons!
There you are.
That day, I abandoned
the principle of precaution for good.
Hello, Baya Benmamoud.
Benmahmoud!
We invited you tonight,
because you've written
"In Bed With the Fascists",
an account
of how you try to convert
extremists
by having sexual relations,
in other words, sleeping with them.
I call myself a political whore.
The problem with fascists
is sex.
When you sleep with a fascist,
there's a moment
when he's receptive:
Just before he climaxes.
Then, you say lots of things
to his subconscious mind,
like with hypnosis.
For example, you say:
"Arabs aren't all thieves",
"Jews aren't all rich"...
Let me just say
that after the last, Hassini,
I decided to quit.
But I hope that this guide
will encourage others to start
and we'll change the world.
I was in his taxi when it happened.
He'd taken the exam.
They have to take taxi-driving exams.
When what happened?
He often took me in his taxi.
I loved it.
That day...
I ate whipped cream for the first time.
It's the happiest day of my life.
Jean-Pierre!
What's your name?
Arthur Martin.
Can't be easy
with such a ridiculous name.
I couldn't stand a name like that.
Lucky we'll never get married.
Marriage is right-wing, isn't it?
B... Baya Benmamoud.
We can never vote
for people we like.
Don't forget Sarkozy's slip.
What? I won't dirty my hands!
What's the point
of polling booths, then?
Notice that the type on left-winger
Ségolène Royal's slip was smaller?
Nonsense!
Don't forget the Interior Minister
organizes elections.
The bastard made his name bigger.
He did.
Show me Sarkozy's slip.
I don't have it...
Where is it?
It's my fault he got elected!
No!
There was 6% difference.
That's at least 2 million voters.
I know it's my fault!
I'll never get over it!
It was nevertheless
the happiest day of our life.
So, what's baby's name?
Chang.
Are his roots...?
Screw his roots.
Chang Martin?
Chang Martin-Benmahmoud.
What're you thinking?
Who will our baby be the foreigner of?
From Salonica
to Beni Saf to our parents.
How many roads did they cross?
Our grandparents, their fiancés.
How many doubts, how many sacrificed?
So that one day
our love.
How many "No" s?
"We don't want you"
My mother
My father
On the ground
Hidden
The dream of a future
Sacred freedom
Who will our baby
be the foreigner of?
Until the day
that love...