The Naked Thief (2000) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Would I be presumptuous to
say that our first dates been

great?

JILL: The night is still young.

Well, the fundraiser
wasn't so bad was it?

Worse.

The food was good.

JILL: Ugh, horrible.

Got to mingle
with movie stars.

JILL: Bores.

It's not that easy
to please you, is it?



You'd be surprised how
low maintenance I really am.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Now that was incredible.
- Spend the night?

Only if you make me breakfast.

Of course.

And I mean you, not
one of your servants.

Well that'll prove interesting

[GIGGLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, where's the fork gone now?

Eww.

You're not helping me at
all by the way, you know.

All right.

[GIGGLING]



Hey, maybe it's
time to call 9-1-1.

I can do this.

I am not completely hopeless.

[GIGGLING]

Damn.

You know this is not fair.
- Oh.

I study for this this morning.

I watched the Food Channel.

I can see how
it really paid of.

Let's face it, this food is
uh, it's not fit for a dog.

Oh.

So let me ask you something.

Have you ever been able
to anyone eat a banana

without turning it
into a sexual fantasy?

Hmm?

Hmm?

[GIGGLING]

[MOANING]

This is the part where you
scoot everything off the counter

and have your way with me.

No problem.

No one's going to eat anyway.

[GIGGLING]

[SQUEALING]

[GROWLING]

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

Oh.

Just ignore it.
[GIGGLING]

Go away.

[DOORBELL CHIMING]

I think you better
take care of that

before you take care of me.

Great.
Great.

All right.
[INAUDIBLE], keep an eye out.

Mr. Turner.

That's me

I'm Detective Artie Monroe.

This is my partner,
Paul Fenwick.

We're with the LAPD robbery
and homicide division.

Homicide?
Has there been a homicide?

Robbery.

Last night your neighbors
Mr. And Mrs. Swenson.

Oh my God.

Were you home last night?

I was attending the function.

I was home around midnight.

Do you hear any strange
noises coming from outside?

I was uh, preoccupied.

Is everything all right?

Uh yeah, well no.

There's been a
break in next door.

Oh.

Morning.

Good morning.

This is my friend, Jill Akers.

Your pancakes are burning.

Is there anything
else I can do you?

No, uh we wouldn't want to
keep you from your pancakes.

Oh, uh, here's our card.

If you can't think of anything
else, please give us a call.

Sure.
All right.

We'll do.

Thanks.
Bye.

Nice life huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's wrong with you?

There's something about
that girl that is familiar.

You were just blown
away by those legs.

I can't say I blame you.

No, I've seen her
somewhere before.

Nah, she's probably some
supermodel or something.

Those guys are always
going with those types.

Lucky sons of bitches.

Get in that car.

- How 'bout I drive this time.
- No!

Shit.

Jill?

Jill?
Where you going?

What about breakfast?

I should've never asked.

You know, you're getting
under my skin, [INAUDIBLE]..

Good.

[GIGGLING]

Are there any
reciprocal feelings,eh?

Oh, maybe.

Hmm, you don't really
give anything away do you?

Nope.

Well uh, I'll call you.

I you know what's
good for you.

[GIGGLING]

[MOANING]

Shaving.

Can I watch?

Knock yourself out.

So I had a great
time last night.

That's it.

What do you mean?

I had a great time.

That's all you can offer up?

Well, what would
you want me to say?

Listen, I don't sleep
with just anyone, you know?

I chose you.

And you should feel
very privileged.

[GIGGLING]

And you're full of yourself.

Tell me it wasn't the
best sex you've ever had?

Well, I've had
some good times.

Tell me.

All All right, you were
the best sex I ever had.

You ruined me for
every other woman.

I close my eyes and all I can
see is your beautiful face.

Better.

So you're going to come over
to see some of her work today?

I don't think so.

You said you wanted
to check it out.

I've got a busy day.

Fine.

Are you pouting?

You are.

Isn't that sweet.

Bugger off.

I'll give you a choice.

Either we can do
it again right now,

or I'll come look
at your paintings?

Choice is up to you.

Screw the paintings.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey.

Hey.

God I'm starved.

We gotta go shopping for food.

Yeah, somebody better.

So uh, were you flying
solo this morning,

or was someone actually
helping you scream

out like an alley cat in heat?

Yeah.

Um, God, I knew her
name a minute a go.

Oh God you're incredible.

[GIGGLING]

Dawn.

That's it.

Dawn.

And where did we
get this lovely prize?

I went out clubbing
last night, last call,

she was the cutest
unattached girl there.

Well as long as you
have your standards.

So what about you
Miss Society Thing?

Details, give.

Well, I had a great time.

I noticed you didn't
come home last night.

Yeah, so?

You're not the only one that can
have a good time around here.

Oh, good for you.

It's about time you
came out of your shell.

Yeah, well, I don't know how
far out of my shell I've come.

I-- I'm just gonna
take it nice and slow.

Always the cautious one.

Well, somebody has to be.

I think I'm going to go
see Sharon this morning.

Mmm.

I think I'm supposed
to be working.

I don't know.

I've really got to start
writing these things down.

PAUL: Yep, I'll fax over
the list of stolen items.

Thanks.
Let me know.

All right.

That was George from
the rampart division.

He's gonna keep an eye on his
fences for the stolen goods.

Fine.

How about a murder case now?

We're working a robbery.

It's robbery-homicide.

So why is it we've
only done robbery?

Don't you want a real case,
something that requires

some actual detective work?

Cool your jets.

Every case is a real case.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it-- it's a
Beverly Hills robbery.

It's cut and dry.

Stuff has got to be fenced, and
when it is, we'll grab the guy.

Maybe when you work
a little bit longer,

you'll get a feel for what's
a slam dunk and what's not.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Feel like detecting something?

SHARON: Hi, Jill.
Good to see you again.

Forgive me.
I've got low blood sugar.

Knock yourself out.

So how are you doing?

Fine.

Mhm.

How's the job hunt going?

Not so great.

Did you follow up on
those leads I gave you?

Yeah.

But you'd be surprised
how many people don't

want to hire an ex-convict.

Funny, huh?

Nobody said it
was gonna be easy.

I know.

Look, I have a friend.

He owes me a favor.

His name is Raymond O'Sullivan.

He's got a small law
firm, needs someone

to help him out with
the clerical-- you know,

the phones.

Swell.

Hey, one of the
conditions of your parole

is that you become a productive
and viable member of society.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

I'm only trying to help.

I know.

It's just you're
still authority,

and that just makes me bristle.

Better the authority
out here than inside, huh?

Yeah.

Raymond O'Sullivan.

WOMAN: Oh, Raymond.

Oh, Raymond.

Oh.

What do you like better?

Me sucking your toes or
the divorce settlement

I just got you?

Do to em what you
did to my husband.

Mrs. Stillwagon, I
thought you'd never ask.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, excuse me.

Well, so, um, yes, make
sure that you get back to me

on that thing.
- Absolutely.

Yeah.

I'll draw tup the
paperwork for it right away.

OK?
- OK.

Um, and I'm going
to put you down

for a follow-up consultation
for later in the week.

You do that.

Perfect.

Excuse me.

Another satisfied customer.
Hi there.

I'm Raymond
O'Sullivan, attorney.

How can I assist you?
- Well--

Actually, don't answer that.

Let me guess.

You caught your husband
cheating on you,

and you want to take
him to the cleaners.

Well, you came to
the right place

because getting even
with cheating husbands

is my specialty.

Well, actually, no.

I'm from the parole board.

Sharon sent me.

She said you might
have a job for me.

You're the ex-con?

Wow.

You don't look like one to me.

Listen, if this is
going to be a problem--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Come in, please.

So did Sharon tell you
what the deal was here?

A little bit.

Good, good.

Well, I kind of like
running a loose ship.

Um, I'm not a very
uptight person,

and I don't expect my employees
to be uptight, either.

I'm starting to build a
nice little practice here.

And it's a good thing you're
getting in on the ground level.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Good, good.

Well, why don't we just
let your past be the past.

And we'll-- well,
you've paid your debt

to society and all that.

So we'll put that behind us
and look towards the future.

Thanks.

Great.
OK.

Well, your desk is out there.

Why don't you just go and dig
in and make yourself at home?

And we'll see what happens.
- OK.

Oh, uh, while you're out
there, how about a coffee?

Sure.

Nope.

That does not look
like an ex-con to me.

SHARON: You just missed her.

You know where she went?

Yeah.

I sent her out on a job, first
one since she's been out.

Uh, you have an address?

Sure.

PAUL: Would you happen to know
her whereabouts between 3:00

and 5:00 in the morning today?

SHARON: No, I only know whether
they show up for work or not.

After that, they're
on their own.

Well, it's your job to
keep tabs on them, isn't it?

He's new, right?

Uh, forgive my partner.

PAUL: What did I say?

Come on.

Hey.

For what it's worth,
I think Jill's OK.

She seems like the
type who doesn't

want to get back into trouble.

[PHONE RINGING]

Raymond O'Sullivan's office.

Just a moment, please.

Raymond, you have a
Mrs. Finch on the line.

Go ahead, Mrs. Finch.

Miss Acres?

Yes.

You remember us
from this morning?

Detective Monroe,
Detective Fenwick.

I remember.

I don't have any more
information about the robbers.

Why didn't you tell us you
just got out of the joint

after serving a
nickel for robbery?

You didn't ask.

I remember when
you were busted.

I was there for the perp walk.

You got the kind of
face you don't forget.

I get that a lot.

Miss Acres, we
need to take you down

to the station for questioning.

I'm at work.

I can't.
- Come on.

You know the conditions
of your parole.

You can't refuse us.

Hey, what's going on?

Great.

We need to question Miss
Acres about an incident

that occurred last night.

What incident?

I don't see how
that concerns you.

Well, actually,
she's my employee.

And I'm her lawyer.

Great.

Well, counselor, we can
all go downtown if you want.

I'd love that.

Let's go.

Raymond--
RAYMOND: Come on.

It'll be fun.

So she just happened
to be next door

when this robbery went off.

That's all you guys got on her?

That, plus the fact that
this was the exact crime

she was sent away for.

RAYMOND: So?

PAUL: So you don't find
that a coincidence?

She was with a
guy all night long.

How do you like
that for an alibi?

Oh, OK.

So they were up all
night, were they?

RAYMOND: I don't know.

Were you?

For most of it.

But he did go to sleep
at some point, didn't he?

Well, I guess we
can ask him that.

No, please.

He doesn't know about my past.

Isn't that interesting?

I wonder what's in
your past, detective,

that you wouldn't
want us to know about.

Well, any hookers for freebie?

- All right, you listen here--
- Oh, good, good.

Attack the lawyer.

Attack the lawyer.

That'll look good in court.

Paul, step outside.

Artie, I've got--

Step outside.

You better keep a
muzzle on him, Detective.

I'll handle my partner.

Now, Miss Acres, we're going
to have to ask your boyfriend

about last night.

He's not my boyfriend.

I see you're in the habit
of sleeping with strangers.

Congratulations.

This is over.

Either arrest her or don't.
What's it gonna be?

She's free to go.

Thank you.
Come on.

ARTIE: But we'll be watching.

RAYMOND: Yeah, do that.

You can also be watching out
for a harassment lawsuit.

You know, I can
handle an interrogation.

By beating up the lawyer?

I wasn't gonna touch him.

Just wanted to see
him sweat a little.

I think they're both
sweating a little now.

So I'll get my things
together and be out of here

in 10 minutes.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm leaving before
you have to fire me.

Nobody's firing anybody.

Look, Raymond, I'm sure that
when you offered to hire me,

you didn't bargain for this.

Listen, did you do
the robbery or not?

No.

Well, then, that's
all I need to know.

Here.

Can you file these?

Thanks.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Rough day, huh?

Yeah, it sucked.

Well, at least you got a job.

And I lost a guy I
really cared about.

So I'm even, right?

Listen, the last thing
you'll have trouble finding

is a boyfriend.

He wasn't my boyfriend.

Could have been.

Now I'll never find out.

Maybe your problem is
that you shoot too high.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you meet some guy
in some ritzy sitzy store.

And he's got money, and he hangs
out in society and all that.

You know those types aren't
going to go for our types.

And what exactly
are our types?

Low rent.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, I mean, come on.
Get real.

We are what we are.

You're a convicted con, and I
barely have a pot to piss in.

That's our lot in life.

Yeah.

I wanted more than this, though.

So did I. And we
can still have it.

But you don't need
guys like him,

who are going to judge you.

Maybe.

I am what I am, right?

Now you're talking, Popeye.

Bitch.

See, I'm right.

That's why you always hate me.

[KNOCKING]
I'll get it.

BEN: So you thought you could
just blow me off, did you?

Ben.

Well, I believe we
had plans tonight.

Oh.

Is this the rich guy?

Ben, this is Angie my
inappropriate sister.

- Hi.
- Angie, Ben.

Hello.

So, Jill, what about that date?

Well, something came up.

Do you mind?

Go put these in water.

Oh, OK.

Ben, I, uh--

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

We just started
seeing each other.

I know.

It's just--

Has this got anything
to do with the cops?

- The cops?
- Yeah.

They came by my house, told
me about your checkered past.

So now you see why we
can't see each other anymore.

No.
Actually, I don't.

Uh, I heard their
side of the story,

and I'd like to hear yours.

Ben--

Look, you tell me that last
night meant nothing to you,

and I'll walk out of
your life forever.

I promise.

Your silence speaks volumes.

Go on.

Get dressed.

We can't go out to dinner
with you looking like that.

Oh, Ben.

Wait here.

So I thought it was the
quick and easy way out.

I was wrong.

But at least I only
stole from people

who could afford to lose it.

You mean people like me?

Yes, people like you.

BEN: But you've put all
that behind you now.

I'm trying.

It's the kind of
thing that has a habit

of following you around.

How did you get caught?

I was greedy, and I
thought I was invincible.

Oh, well, now you're
starting to sound like me.

- Why do you want to be with me?
- It's funny.

I was just about to ask
you the same question.

You first.

OK.

Well, I think you're
smart and funny.

And you have, uh--

you have this spark in your eye
that I've never seen in a woman

before.

Maybe you're just hanging
around the wrong circles.

Oh.

Well, maybe you should
let me into your world.

I don't know if you
deserve a trip like that.

BEN: Huh.

I think I should be
the judge of that.

OK, your turn.

Why do you want to be with me?

Well, there's a
kindness in your eyes

that I haven't seen in
a man in a long time.

I think you'd be a good friend.
- Friend?

Great.

Not friend.

A good friend that
would be a great lover.

Why don't we just order
some chocolate souffle to go

and eat it back at my house?

Well, what if I told
you that I wouldn't wait?

Check, please.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't believe someone broke
into my house and robbed me.

I'm very sorry,
Mrs. Steelwagon.

I feel so violated.

I understand.

Now, did you remember
to set your house alarm?

Of course I set
my house alarm.

You think I forget
a thing like that?

I'm sorry.

I have to ask.

I don't think you do.

Look, when I pay my taxes,
I deserve some protection.

You mean your husband
pays your taxes.

Ex-husband.

And what is your
point, Detective?

Do you know where your
husband was last night?

In Fiji with his tramp.

- I see.
- Why?

You don't think he had something
to do with this, do you?

I like to look
at all the angles.

I understand this isn't
the only robbery that's

occurred in my neighborhood.

Apparently, the Swensons were
robbed just two nights ago.

And they live four
doors down from me.

I think you have a crime
wave on your hands.

I don't think two robberies
constitutes a crime wave.

Well, what are you
going to do about it?

We're investigating
both cases.

Well, see that you do.

I'd hate to have to
involve my attorney.

No, there's no need for that.

Well, just the same, I plan
on contacting Mr. O'Sullivan

and keeping him informed
of the investigation.

O'Sullivan?

Yes, Raymond O'Sullivan.

He handled my divorce.

And he'll be handling all
of my affairs from now on.

We'll be sure to
keep him informed.

Uh, we will?

And we'll let you know
the minute anything breaks.

See that you do.

Friendly.

So what was that, uh, all about
keeping her lawyer informed?

Her lawyer's
Raymond O'Sullivan.

So?

So?

Pay attention.

Hey, that's where Jill works!

[KNOCKING]

We're looking for Jill Acres.

I'm her sister.

What's happened?

Do you know where she is?

Well, she was out all night.

I expect her to come
rolling in any minute.

Mind if we wait?

- Go ahead and wait.
- I'm sorry.

Miss?

- Angie.
- Angie.

I'm Paul, and this
is my partner Artie.

Could I trouble you
for a cup of coffee?

It's just that I've got this
horrendous caffeine addiction,

and if I don't feed it,
well, things could get ugly.

Sure.

Nice place you have here.

It's a dump.

Yeah, but for a
dump, it's nice.

Funny.

So how do you like your
caffeine, Detective?

Oh, please, Paul.

And, uh, straight up's fine.

And him?

Oh, he's all set.

So how long have
you been on the force?

Uh, about, uh, four years.

Wow, and a detective already.

I'm impressed.
- Well, yeah.

When I was a patrol officer,
I had some big busts.

And, uh, they
kicked me upstairs.

It was PR.

So what you're
saying is that you

didn't deserve the promotion.
- No, no.

Not at all.

Actually, I'm a
damn good detective.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Hmm.

What?

I was just thinking, I
never did a cop before.

ARTIE: How's it going?
- Great.

Shit, not this again.

Could I have a word?

Do I have a choice?

So listen, I know about
this place called Martini's.

It's a pretty wild place.

You think you can handle it?

Oh, well, yeah, sure.
I think I can.

Uh, yeah.

Well, you have to leave
your badge at the door,

you know what I mean?

Oh, uh, that's no, uh, um--
sure.

Call me before you wash it off.

Let's go.

Hurry up and get changed.

Listen, do me a favor--

call Raymond and tell him
they're questioning me again.

OK.

Tori Steelwagon, client
of Raymond O'Sullivan,

victim of a jewel thief.

Chime in anytime you want.

What do you want me to say?

Another coincidence?

Looks that way.

What would you
do if you were me?

Burn that tie.

Cute.

Jill, don't say anything.

Trust me, she
hasn't said anything.

Have you asked her all the
questions you need to ask her?

- For now.
- Good.

Let's go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hmm.
Hmm.

Gonad.

It's a little racy,
but, uh, 14 points.

Jill, are you still with us?

I'm sorry.

It's just, um--

I don't know what I am.

- Feeling OK?
- Yeah.

Can we not play anymore?

OH, what is this, 'cause
I'm kicking your ass?

No, I-- just,
will you hold me?

OK.

What's the matter, huh?

I don't know.

It's just like the
world's caving in on me.

At least in jail,
it was horrible,

but I knew where I stood.

Out here?

I don't know.

Hey, look, you got
off to a rough start.

But, uh, there's no reason
why you can't turn it around.

Yeah, I wish it
were that easy.

It is.

Look at this place.

Do you think I was
born with this?

I wasn't.

I earned it, every penny.

Started with nothing.

I know.

It's just-- it's just so hard.

Maybe we should go away
this weekend, you know?

Give you a chance
to clear your head.

I can't.

Come on.

A couple of phone calls,
next thing you know,

we're on the beaches of Aruba.

It's tempting,
but I don't know.

Can I let you know?

Yeah, sure.

It's an open invitation.

Can use it anytime you want.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCKING]

Hey, there.

Hey.

Uh, I was in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd--

well, I saw these.

And--

Oh, aren't you sweet?

You know, it's a lot more
comfortable if you come inside.

PAUL: Oh, sure.

So, uh, Paul, can I
pour you a glass of wine?

Are you off duty?
- Oh, yeah.

That'd be great.

Uh, let me.

Wow.

What a nice surprise, you
being in the neighborhood

and all that.

Well, yeah.

Are you usually in the
habit of visiting women

that you hardly know
in the middle of night?

Oh, well, you
know, it was just I--

I thought we connected
this afternoon.

And--

And you couldn't
get me off your mind.

I know.

I get that a lot.

Come on.

I'm flattered.

I've been thinking of you.

You have?

Yeah.

Listen, let's not
beat around the bush.

We both know what we want.

We do?

Yeah.

You want to screw me.

Easy there, cowboy.

- I'm sorry.
- Relax.

Look, I don't like
playing games.

You wouldn't be here if
you just wanted a friend.

You want to do me.

That's cool.

I want to do you, too.

Now, we can go round and
round, play the dating game,

and end up in bed, or we can
just jump there right now

and save the rest for later.

Wow.

You're really something.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Jesus.

Can't you guys give me a break?
- I'm sorry.

I-- I think you
have the wrong idea.

No, what I think is
that you have nothing

better to do than harass me!

Maybe if you go out and
do some real police work,

you'd find out whoever
pulled off these heists.

No, you don't under--

Hi, Jill.

Another late night in
Beverly Hills again?

You know Paul.

Uh, I'd better go.

What's going on here?

You owe me dinner.

I'll call you.

Oh, my god.

You know, you've
really pulled off

some dumb stunts in your
life, but this takes the cake.

Takes the cake?

Who talks like that.

What are you doing with him?

I don't know.

You're the older sister.

You're supposed to know.

Oh, my god.

I-- I just can't believe this.

Relax.

I don't want him here!

Listen, I pay
half the rent here,

so I don't think you can
tell me who I can and cannot

bring into this place.
- Oh, fine.

Slap me in the face!

Quit being so dramatic.

Angie, he thinks I'm guilty.

He's probably here just
to snoop around or plant

some bugs or something!

I'd love to hear those tapes.

This is not a game!

Look, we both know
you're innocent.

So that's the end of that.

Paul is a very good-looking
guy, and he's great in bed.

Can't I have a little fun?

Oh, fine.

Have all the fun you want.

Could you send a bill
to Mrs. Landers for me?

Her husband will
be paying my fees.

And make sure it's
a 30-day notice.

Sure.

Oh, and cancel my 2 o'clock
'cause I want to get a game

of squash in after lunch.

Sure.

And my office is on fire,
so could you call 911?

Sure.

What?

Just seeing if you
were paying attention.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just have a lot
on my mind lately.

Don't let this business
with the cops get you down.

I'll take care of that.

It's not just that.

It's-- I don't know.

I-- I think I'm
having a harder time

adjusting to the real world
than I thought I would.

One day at a time?

Yeah, right.
RAYMOND: I mean it.

Now cheer up.

That's an order.

Oh, I thought you might
want to take a look at this.

What is it?

College course catalog.

Night classes.

Thought you might want
to expand your horizons.

Thanks.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Because I know
what it's like to be

scraping around for a break.

I'm not offering a
handout, just a hand up.

Thanks.

I think you got potential.

Just don't prove me wrong.

Morning.

Morning.

Working late last night?

Oh, same old, same old.

How about you?

Watched the game and
fell asleep with the TV on.

But at least I got here on time.

- Oh, Artie, you know, I just--
- Save it.

Take a look at this.
- What's this?

ARTIE: A good detective
plays all the angles.

Oh, rap sheet for Ben Turner.

Arrested for robbery.

But he wasn't convicted.

ARTIE: Hmm.

The case was kicked
out on a technicality.

But it's just the one arrest.

That's enough.

Ain't this a pretty picture?

Two cons working together.

Now what makes you think
they're working together?

Just fits.

Maybe he did the
jobs by himself,

and he's just setting up
Jill to take the fall.

Interesting theory.

Hey, just playing
all the angles.

Let's go over
and talk to Jill,

see if she knows about his past.

Uh, Artie, you know what?

I'm just buried in a
ton of paperwork here.

Uh, you think you
can handle this one?

Get here on time and
you could be caught up.

PAUL: You know, you're right.

Absolutely right.

I'll call in.

[BUSY SIGNAL]

Hey.

Now, before you go flying
off in a huff, I'm--

I'm not here to talk about you.

Yeah, right.

How much you know about
this Ben Turner character?

Ben?

Yeah.

I don't see how that's
any of your business.

Well, I'm sure your PO
would like to know you've

been consorting with felons.

What?

ARTIE: He was arrested for
robbery, jewel robbery.

You're lying.

Yeah.

It's all part of a master plan--

make up rap sheets
on innocent citizens.

When was this?

10 years ago.

Some slimeball
lawyer got him off,

and he's been a model
citizen ever since.

Of course, you've got to wonder
how he pays for that lifestyle

he's got going.

He's an entrepreneur.

Yeah, sure he is.

Look--

No!

You look.

The more I spend time on this
case, the more it stinks!

Now, I intend to close it.

Right now, I got
two great suspects.

Maybe they're working together,
maybe they're flying solo.

I don't know!

All I know is when
you trip up, I'm

gonna be there to catch you.

So this is the part
where I'm supposed

to get all scared and crack
up, tell you everything?

I don't think so.

Spare me.

Suit yourself.
But I'll be watching.

So what happened?

She made like she didn't know.

Was she lying?

I'm not sure.

So what now?

Now we stake out.

Stakeout?

Yeah.

You get the first overnight
shift starting tonight.

All right.

He's gonna get greedy, and
that's when we catch him.

I can't believe he lied to me.

Well, technically,
he didn't lie to you.

He just didn't tell
you everything.

Oh, whose side are you on?

I'm just saying.

It's true.

I mean, I thought we were
building something here.

You can't trust anybody.

Don't you think you're
overreacting just a tad?

You don't understand.

Look, what I
don't understand is

why you're sitting
here telling this to me

when you could be telling him.

I thought we were taking a
break from each other tonight.

I had to see you.

- I'm flattered.
- Don't be.

What's the matter?

Why didn't you tell me
you had been arrested?

Oh, Christ.

You know with all these
robberies and my past,

don't you think the cops would
have a field day with this?

I'm sorry.

Why couldn't you have
been honest with me?

I was honest with you.

Uh, because, uh--

Because why?

Because I thought
you'd throw me away.

I-- I figured if you
knew that I had a record,

you'd have nothing
to do with me.

Do you know how much
trouble I could be in?

Look, when it
comes to you, I--

I don't think very straight.

I think you're really
special, and I want

to be really special for you.

Well, you could have told me.

I'm sorry.

From now on, no lies.

The police think we're both
involved in this crime wave.

Really?

Yes.

Hmm.

It's either one
of us or both of us.

Hmm.

Ben, tell me you
weren't involved.

Jill, I'm not involved.

That's good enough for me.

Hey, what's up?

Angie, what are you--

you can't be here.

Why not?

Would you just get in the car?

You're on a
stakeout, aren't you?

How cool is that?

Please, if they find you
here, I'll be in deep shit.

Relax.
I won't stay.

How'd you find me?

Well, I was dropping
off Jill at Ben's, and I

saw you from across the street.

You know, you really need to
work on this stakeout thing.

You're not really good at it.

Angie, would you please--

Did I spill coffee on you?

I'm sorry.

It's-- it's fi--

I got-- it's fine.
I got it.

Ooh, looks like I
got your attention.

I'm on duty.

I know.

That's what's got me so excited.

See?

Please don't.

Oh, we already are.

Seeya.

Wait.

You're on duty, remember?

Call me later, stud.

That's it?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You're cold.

Sorry.

Did you go outside?

Yeah, I, uh--

I went to let the dog out.

Oh.

Go back to sleep, honey.

So how do you like the job?

It's OK.

Raymond's really nice.
- Oh, yeah.

He's a real peach.

Can I ask you something?

Shoot.

What do you think about
me going to college?

- I think that's a great idea.
- Really?

Yes.

What are you
considering studying?

Well, I don't know.

I thought maybe I'd take
some general courses

first and see where it goes.

I think that's great!

See, I told you
you could adjust.

Oh, yeah.
That's me, queen of adjustment.

Uh, speaking of which, I got
a call from Detective Monroe.

My shadow.

He told me about Ben Turner.

He was never convicted, which
means I can still see him.

I'm not saying
you can't see him.

I'm just saying watch your back.

I always do.

Another robbery right outside
the house you were staking out!

I swear, I don't--

I didn't see anything!

Yeah, well, that's obvious!

If the thief snuck in back,
what am I supposed to do?

You should see the chunk of
my ass the captain just chewed.

I had to beg him not to send
you back on foot patrol!

You did that for me?

You just save it!

This thief is playing games
with us, and I don't like games.

So what do we do now?

ARTIE: Rattle the cages.

Oh.

Ben Turner.

Now what?

We have a warrant
to search your home.

I'm sure my attorney will have
something to say about this.

He can say whatever he wants.

We're still searching the place.

OK.

MAN (ON TV): Everything
from action and sports

to pop, rock, and dance.

JILL: [GASP] Oh, my god.

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

ARTIE: Miss Acres,
we got a warrant

to search your apartment.

Um, just a minute!

Don't you guys have
anything better to do?

Afraid not.

Fine.

I want a thorough search.

You got it.

Just don't break anything.

ARTIE: You'll never
know we're here.

There.

Can't say I never buy food.

What's going on?

We're being searched.

Oh, yeah?

Hiya, Paul.

Hey.

Mmm.
Chili.

I'm starved.

Uh, no.

Don't do that.

Why not?

It's not done.

Well, I'll be
the judge of that.

Oh, you're right.

It's not done.

So, uh, Paul, how long
is this gonna take?

As long as it takes.

I'm sorry.
I--

Detective, concentrate
on the search.

Mmm.

Smells good.

Family recipe.

Ow!

Place looks clean.
- Yeah.

Sorry to disappoint you.

We're still watching.

Knock yourself out.

What the hell's going on?

How did this get in here?

You're just lucky I found
it before they came over.

I guess I am.

Thanks.

That's all you have to say?

Look, this is my business.

No, wrong.

You live with me, it
becomes my business!

Relax!
I'm not gonna get caught!

Oh, my god.

I don't believe this.

What's not to believe?

I'm sick of living
in this dump, OK?

I want out!

Besides, I'm just
taking after you.

Oh, and you plan on
going to jail just like me?

We're done.

As soon as I fence this in, we
can get out of town for good.

You got it all
planned out, don't you?

- Yeah.
- No.

I'm not watching
you go down, and I'm

certainly not going down.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna try and
make this right.

What's up?

I need to ask you
a legal question.

OK.

Well, you came to
the right place.

Shoot.

OK.

Suppose there was a
robbery, but the police

never caught the thief, and
then whatever was robbed

was put back.

Was there ever a crime?

Where is this
question coming from?

Please.

OK.

Technically, yes, there
still would be a crime.

But if the people who were
robbed get their stuff back

and they drop all the charges,
then the cops have nothing

to do but twiddle their thumbs.

Thanks.

That's what I thought.

Uh, Jill, are you in
some kind of trouble

that I should know about?

Attorney-client privilege?

- Always.
- No.

I can't believe
you're gonna do this.

Just be quiet.

Look, we're clear.

We've got this stuff.

Let's just go.

No, don't you get it?

Once you get caught, that's it.

There's nothing you can do.

It's over.

Now, I'm paying for what I did.

I'm not gonna let
that happen to you.

I did this for us.

Yeah, and that's
exactly what I'm doing.

[KNOCKING]

Did you forget your key?

Oh.

You didn't give me a key yet.

Paul, what are you doing here?

Well, I guess you're
not the only one

that can surprise someone.

Really.

Is this a bad time?

Yes.

I mean, no.
Come on in.

So what's up?

We need to talk.

OK.

I mean seriously.

So talk.

We can't see
each other anymore.

I mean, it was really fun and
wild and crazy and all that.

But it's just my job's
too important to me.

I can see the way things
are going that this is

really starting to affect me.

I just want to be
upfront with you.

OK, cool.

- So that's it?
- Yeah.

I mean, what more do
you want me to say?

I don't know.

I thought you'd try to talk
me out of it or something.

Well, I thought it was
fun fooling around with you.

You're kind of square, and I
had fun pushing your buttons.

But you're a cop.

And, well, you don't know--

it's just not my style.

So you're saying you
would've dumped me.

Yeah, but I probably
would've sent you an email.

I hate confrontations.

OK.

So, uh, we're OK, then.

- Yeah, we're cool.
- OK.

[BEEPING]

Saved by the beeper.

That's Artie.

I better go.

Yeah.

So, um--

So listen, if I get arrested,
can I tell 'em I know you?

- Huh?
- I'm just kidding.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAM]

Jill.

Ben.

What's going on?

It's a long story.
ARTIE: Nice look.

Look, I can explain.

Yeah.

I knew you'd trip
up sooner or later.

Cuff her.

So we got a statement
from your boyfriend.

Now it's your turn.

What did he say?

ARTIE: That's not how it works.

You talk, I listen.

Well, did you find me
with any stolen goods?

No.

So basically
what you're saying

is you arrested me because
I like to wear black.

And you were carrying these.

Oh, should get
the chair for that.

We can be cute all
night, or you can fess up!

You're right.

I'm tired of playing games.
- Good.

The reason I'm
dressed like this

is because I was
trying to turn Ben on.

What?

Yeah.

Our sex life, it's gotten
into kind of a rut lately.

And, well, I was trying
to spice things up.

All this talk about
cat burglars, I--

I thought I'd sneak into
his house and surprise him.

You see, Ben has these
sexual fantasies.

And-- kind of kinky
stuff, you know?

I'm just giving
him what he wanted.

- Sex.
- Yeah.

You should try it sometime.

Might put a smile on your face.

Hey.

Hey.

You OK?

Yeah.

Thanks for coming to get me.

You're my big sister.

I'd do anything for you.

Somehow, I don't find
that so reassuring.

Look, as hard as this is for
me to admit, you were right.

I was wrong.

I was looking for
the easy way out.

Yeah, and we both
know where that gets us.

I'm sorry.

Hey, I forgive you.

But you still have to get a job.
- Bitch.

So?

So she had the
same story as him.

So they're not lying.

They're just screwing.

Now you're being cute with me!

I'm sorry.

Detective, these messages
came in while you were

interviewing your suspects.

They got their jewelery back.

All of it.

So I take it I'm free to go?

Yep.

Thanks for all
your help, Officer.

Uh, Detective.

Whatever.

I've had it with this case.

I think I'm gonna take
a nice, long, hot bath

and forget that any
of this ever happened.

Glad you can move
along with your life.

Hey, come on.

I thought we were cool.

No, you're right.

We are.

I guess I could use
a hot bath, too.

You need something.

Hey.
That was fast.

I thought we were
gonna leave together.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't
include you in on my plans.

What's wrong?

Oh, I'll be in the
bathroom not listening.

Jill.

What's going on?

What do you want?

I want to know what's--
what's going on.

Ben, I saw the
way you looked at me

when you caught me outside.

You thought I was the thief.

What exactly was
I supposed to think?

I thought you trusted me.

I do.

Why can't I trust you?

Do you know why
the cops let us go?

Because we had exactly
the same story.

What?

Yeah.

You were performing a sexual
fantasy for my benefit.

Strange thing was, however,
we never compared stories.

Little more than a
coincidence, don't you think?

I suppose.

Maybe it was
because we think alike

and we were meant
to be together.

Hmm?

You really think
it's that simple?

Yep.

So are we gonna go
somewhere warm, or just, um,

sit around here and
wait for an earthquake?

Hmm.

ANGIE: Ask him if
I can come, too.

Can my sister come, too?

Absolutely, as long
as she has her own room.

Deal.

[MUSIC PLAYING]