The Monster Squad (1987) - full transcript
Dracula is alive. In fact, he plans to rule the world and that is why he seeks the help of other legendary monsters. However, a bunch of kids regarded by their peers as losers uncover the devious plan and prepare for a counter strike.
-(THUNDER RUMBLES)
-(WOLF HOWLS)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(HOWLING)
(HOWLING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(WIND HOWLING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(RATS SQUEAKING)
(SQUEAKING)
(BATS SQUEAKING)
(HORSES WHINNY)
-(DOGS BARKING)
-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(HISSING)
(SCREECHES)
Three minutes.
The girl. Now!
(THUNDER CRACKS)
Let's hurry a bit, shall we?
(GIRL SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-Come on! Faster, faster!
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
(SHOUTING)
-Ah!
-Oh!
(SCREECHES)
-(ROARS)
-Read!
-Or we're all gonna die!
-(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(SCREECHING)
-(MOANING)
-(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(SHOUTING)
(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
-(GASPS, SCREAMS)
-(SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING,
INDISTINCT)
MAN: Well, well, well.
Are you two sitting comfortably?
Good. Now, gentlemen.
Do you see these file folders?
The ones with your names
on them?
Can you guess what's in these file folders?
I'll give you a hint.
Discipline reports.
Lots of them.
And some wonderful
artwork as well. This is...
Spider with human head?
-I'm sorry. Spider?
-BOY: With human head.
Yeah. He eats dogs
and cats and rabbits.
-Does he?
-Sean thought him up.
You see, sir, we kinda
have this monster club, okay?
And we draw those pictures to put
on our clubhouse walls.
Correction, Mr. Crenshaw. You draw pictures
during Mrs. Carlsen's science class
when you are supposed
to be paying attention.
Wait. I just want
to say one thing.
I mean, Ms. Carlsen's
a nice teacher and all,
but she's boring
and has an odd-shaped head.
That's why Sean and the guys
call her "Meow Mix,"
cause her head's
shaped like a cat head.
But I don't, sir,
'cause how rude.
(CHUCKLES)
Boys,
I hear you.
(CHUCKLES)
I was a kid once.
I thought monsters were cool.
And maybe, well, well, gosh,
maybe I'm just a big kid,
because, Sean, Patrick,
I think science is cool.
I dig it, man.
(LAUGHS)
Now, I'm sure both of you know
a great deal about monsters,
but that's not the issue here.
The issue is
science is real.
Monsters are not.
We don't know that, sir.
God, can you believe
Mr. Metzger?
Tell me about it. He touched me
and patted my shoulders and stuff.
-The guy was fully homo-ing out.
-I smell like the '40s.
I mean, when they send you to school,
why don't they tell you
about the homos
and the people with cat heads?
-(GRUNTS)
-WOMAN: Oh!
Sorry, Mrs. Carlsen.
-Meow.
-She's married, Sean.
Oh, my God!
Some guy kisses her at night?
I mean, a priest said,
"I now pronounce you man and wife,"
and it was okay with him?
Hey. Where's Fat Kid?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to our show.
Tonight's question,
what makes Fat Kid fat?
-Fat Kid?
-Get out of here, E.J.
-"Get out of here, E.J."
-Nope.
-Not a good answer.
-Doesn't make any sense.
Let's go to our man
on the street. Derek.
Hi, I'm Derek,
and I'm in the street
where Fat Kid
is blocking traffic.
Fat Kid, can't you stop eating?
Look, I have
a glandular problem, okay?
At least I don't have
a stupidity problem.
-What'd you say, faggot? What'd you say?
-My name's Horace!
-(LAUGHS) Horace.
-Whore-ass.
Oops. I tore it. I guess I must have
a stupidity problem.
-Such assholes...
-What'd you say, faggot? What'd you say?
I said, "You're an asshole."
(GRUNTS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
Hey, Rudy.
E.J.
I see you met my friend Horace.
RUDY: You okay?
-Rudy, I, uh...
-Shh...
-You dropped your candy bar, E.J.
-It's his.
RUDY: It's yours now.
-Rudy...
-Eat.
-Rudy, I'm not gonna...
-Eat up!
And we'll call it a day.
ALL: Ew!
SEAN: Look, Patrick,
I told you before,
-Wolfman cannot drive a car.
-PATRICK: Yes, he can.
-SEAN: No, he can't!
-PATRICK: Yes, he can.
All I'm saying is, Sean,
he could if he had to.
He could not.
You're being such a dork!
-I know you are, but what am I?
-A dork.
I know you are, but what am I?
-Oh, great... A dork.
-I know you are, but what am I?
-A dork.
-I know you are, but what am I?
Infinity! Look,
Wolfman doesn't go to work.
-He's not, like, a guy.
-What are you talking about?
He walks around.
He wears pants.
He had to wear pants 'cause those movies
were made in the '40s.
He had to wear 'em
so you wouldn't see his wolf dork.
Wolf dork?
GIRL: You guys!
I saw him.
He was watching us.
-Who?
-Scary German Guy.
-Sean, he give me the creeps.
-He's just a dude on welfare.
-Maybe he's a German spy.
-SEAN: Oh, good one.
We're not at war
with Germany anymore.
-GIRL: We're at war with Vietnam.
-What?
It's in Rambo.
-You guys missed it!
-Oh! Fat Kid!
Rudy saved my life!
Do you think we could talk him
into joining the Monster Club?
Can we?
-Huddle.
-Huddle.
Sean, he's in junior high.
GIRL: I heard
he killed his dad.
Get out of here,
Phoebe the Feeb!
Okay, you guys. We should
let him in on one condition.
ALL: Monster test.
You guys! I saw Scary...
I saw him!
I saw Scary German Guy!
He was watching!
-MAN: I'm depressed.
-What for?
What do you mean, what for?
I'm flyin' a World War II bomber
with wooden crates in it
and dead bodies. I should have a party?
Do they complain?
Do they get airsick?
Do they ask for more
of the little almond things?
You're right. This is a great job.
I'm really happy.
(THUDDING)
-I thought they were dead.
-They are.
I'm going to, uh...
I'm gonna check it out.
Okay. Good.
You do that.
I'll stay here
and make spooky sounds.
(RAT SQUEAKING)
-(GASPS)
-(BAT SCREECHING)
(YELLS)
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Where are you,
you son of a bitch?
(MAN GRUNTS)
(SHOUTS)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREECHES)
FAT KID: Two ways
to kill a vampire.
SEAN: Good one, Fat Kid.
Excellent question.
RUDY:
Stake through the heart.
-SEAN: Right.
-PATRICK: What else?
-BOY: Oh, real good.
-SEAN: Eugene.
EUGENE: I wasn't talking.
It was Pete.
FAT KID: Get him a muzzle,
will ya?
RUDY: You guys meet up
here a lot, or, uh...
-SEAN: Every day.
-EUGENE: Do we meet up here a lot?
-SEAN: Eugene!
-EUGENE: Man!
SEAN: Eugene,
make Pete shut up.
EUGENE: Do you really think
that was a good question?
SEAN: Rudy! Are you gonna
listen or look out the window?
PATRICK: I told you he didn't
want to be in the club.
FAT KID: Lighten up, Patrick.
RUDY: No way!
SEAN: Hey, we're tryin' to do
the test here, you know.
FAT KID: You're gonna
piss him off.
RUDY: I'm beginning
to like this club.
Rudy! Come on.
It's a monster test.
It's important, okay?
Second way to kill a vampire.
Mm... I give up.
-Daylight.
-Sunlight. (LAUGHS)
Fat Kid, what other kind of light
is there during the day?
Go away, Pete!
Question two. Is Frankenstein
the name of the monster
-or the guy who made him?
-The guy.
-Right.
-(KNOCKING)
Can't you read?
Mom said you have
to let me in the club,
or else it's "prescruption."
That's discrimination, jerkoid.
"Prescription" is drugs, which you're on
if you think you're getting up here.
Come on, Sean!
I know about monsters.
Come on! Let me in the club!
Two ways to kill a werewolf.
-Silver bullet?
-And?
That's it. Shoot him
with a sliver bullet.
-Nope. Sorry, Rudy.
-(LAUGHS)
Okay, so what's the other way?
-What?
-Second way to kill a werewolf?
-Um...
-Car crash?
-Accident with power tools?
-Old age?
Falling out a window.
Onto a bomb!
WOMAN: Sean! Phoebe!
Dinner!
Oops. Gotta go.
Wait. Am I in or what?
-(MAN SPEAKING ON TV)
-I mean it, spaz.
PHOEBE: You gotta stop it.
Uh-uh!
Wash up for dinner, guys.
-Boring guy, boring guy, boring guy, boring guy.
-What's this, Mom?
Huh? Oh, I got that for you today
at Jane Burgess' garage sale.
Says it's from that old house
up on Shadowbrook Road.
Holy shit! Uh, cow.
I'm sorry.
Mom, do you know
who wrote this book?
Yeah. It's, what,
Van Helsing something.
Now, he's the one
that fights Godzilla, right?
-Dracula, Mom.
-Well, then which is the really tall one?
That's Godzilla.
My God! Abraham Van Helsing.
This is great! (LAUGHS)
This... This is German.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Let it begin.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Hey, slick. Busy day?
Not really.
-Shoot any crooks today?
-Afraid not.
But I still may if you don't
wash up for dinner.
-What's on your mind?
-Well, Dad,
some of the guys and me
were maybe gonna go see
Ground Hog Day Part 12 tonight,
only if it's okay with you.
-Is it? Please?
-Oh, we got a problem.
-No way!
-Yes, way.
I gotta go out
with your mother tonight.
You got a certain five-year-old sister
who needs babysitting.
Oh, come on, Dad! I've waited
all year to see this movie!
Easy, pal, it's only a movie.
Look, tomorrow night,
you and I will go see Ground Hog Day.
I'll get home early.
Tomorrow night?
That'll be too late!
The guys will blab
the entire plot!
Plot? Did I hear "plot"?
Sean, it is a guy with an ax.
Anyway, I thought they killed
him in the last one.
They did. And he returns
from his grave.
Returns from the grave?
Sean, he always returns from the grave.
If they blew him up,
put his head in a blender,
and mailed the rest
of the pieces to Norway,
he would still return
from the grave.
That was part seven.
You want to know
what the plot is?
The plot separates you
from my five bucks.
I want to see a stupid movie.
Well, you can't.
You're babysitting.
-Fine. Can I have five bucks anyway?
-Absolutely.
-So where you two going tonight?
-Marriage counselor.
Again?
I thought you quit smoking.
Sean.
Son, I love you dearly,
but do me a favor.
-Put your basic lid on it.
-(PHONE RINGS)
Now, get outta here.
Hello. Yeah?
MAN: Officer, please!
Lock me up! Lock me up!
-I'm a werewolf! I'm a werewolf!
-Hey, Del.
-MAN: I know it sounds crazy, but...
-Bad news.
Listen, I gotta go downtown.
Can you reschedule
that appointment?
Honey, I'm a cop, okay?
You knew that
when you bought the package.
-Look, it's important.
-I'm important.
-I love you.
-Prove it.
I'll see you in a few hours.
MAN: Just for a night!
You see, it's a full moon!
-And I'm a werewolf!
-COP: Take it easy.
MAN: You don't understand!
You gotta lock me up!
-You gotta put me in a cage!
-I'd like nothing better! Hold onto your pants!
Oh, God! You don't understand!
You've gotta...
Anything you say, fella.
-(GRUNTING)
-MAN: Put the cuffs on him.
MAN 2: I got it. All right.
I got him now.
-(YELLING)
-Jesus Christ! We need some backup!
(SCREAMING)
-(GUNFIRE)
-Lock me up!
So, let me get this straight.
You tellin' me there was
this 2,000-year-old mummy here, right?
-Yes, sir.
-Well, now he's not here.
-He's gone. Vanished. History.
-Yes, sir.
And you're saying you didn't hear anybody
come in here or leave.
Is that right?
Can you hear me now? Hello?
-MAN: I can hear you fine.
-So nobody took the mummy.
-I would've heard them.
-Of course he would've. What a stupid question.
-Did you take him?
-No, sir.
Just a shot. That's it, Del.
This case is too hard, man.
Let's be firemen instead.
I'm glad you're getting major
laughs out of this, Rich.
The problem is,
2,000-year-old dead guys
do not get up
and walk away by themselves.
WOMAN OVER RADIO: Accident
patrol, request confirmation.
You have the 915-H
officer-involved shooting en route?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
(CREAKING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES
ON HEADPHONES)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
WOMAN ON SCREEN: My God!
You scared me!
MAN:
Where are Steve and Judy?
WOMAN: I thought
they were with you.
(DIALOGUE CONTINUES,
INDISTINCT)
-WOMAN: Not funny.
-MAN: Well, something funny's...
-What did I miss?
-WOMAN: Judy? Steve?
-MAN: Hey!
-(WOMAN SCREAMS)
MAN: Oh, Sheriff.
You scared us.
SHERIFF: Never mind
about that.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(MUSIC PLAYING, SCREAMING)
This is the best part.
MAN: Judy!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
MAN: Now, Lieutenant,
you wanna come over and take a look at this?
MAN OVER RADIO: Dispatch,
unit seven.
Unit seven, come in, please.
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-Please copy.
Wonderful. Great!
Just what I need.
-Come again? You're...
-What?
-Request, uh, cadaver...
-I can't hear you!
No, no, no! I said "missing."
The body's missing!
-It's the second one tonight.
-Confirmed.
That makes two tonight, right, Lieutenant?
Ha-ha. That's very funny.
Now, you want to shut up about it?
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(GROWLING)
(GROWLING)
(SNARLS)
(GROWLING)
(WATER BUBBLING)
(ROARING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
It's been so long.
So very long.
Wake up, old friend.
It is our time.
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(FIZZLING)
(SNARLING)
(GASPING)
Long... time...
...Master.
(HOWLING)
And you put the candle
next to your bed like this.
Your mom did this
when you were a little girl?
Uh-huh.
It means "I love you."
And as long as it's here,
nothing bad can happen.
Sean says when it lightnings,
monsters come.
Oh, he's just trying
to scare you, honey.
-Will lightning hit the house?
-No.
-The candle keeps it away?
-That's right.
Say goodnight to Scraps.
-Good night, Scraps.
-(HIGH-PITCHED) Good night, Emily.
Good night, sweetheart.
Are you gonna yell at him?
Honey, I love your father.
What?
I mean Sean, for scaring me.
Of course you did.
I'll talk to him about it,
sweetheart. Sweet dreams.
EMILY: You're thinking about
your job, isn't that right?
I can see it in your eyes, Del.
DEL: Yeah! I'm glad you can
see it in my eyes,
cause for a minute there
I thought I had you fooled.
Come on, this isn't...
No, come on! Look at my eyes!
Look at my eyes!
I'll think about stuff,
and you can tell me when I'm thinking correctly!
EMILY: Keep your voice down.
I don't want the children...
DEL: I had a lousy night,
all right?
EMILY: Every night
I have a lousy night.
DEL: I'm sorry it's such
a pain in the ass for you
with my stupid little job!
I am trying to explain...
DEL: Some guy steals
a priceless Egyptian mummy...
That happens every day.
Skip that.
Then I get a call from some nutcase
who's shouting he's a werewolf!
You like that?
What do they do?
They blow him away right there
in the police station!
Wait a minute!
There is more to this!
(CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)
DEL: ...marriage counseling!
For what?
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
-What?
-There's a monster in my closet.
Damn, son, look!
All of these monsters!
Come on, all of you monsters,
outta here!
Everyone, out of this room!
Come... Ah!
You, on the bed! Come on! Out! Out!
Take a hike! There he goes.
(SIGHS) You see
any more monsters?
In the closet?
Sure. We can go into the closet.
We can do that.
Okay, monsters!
Ooh!
Look at that big, scary monster!
Ooh!
Listen. You are not gonna sleep
with your mother and me tonight,
so you can forget it.
And keep this up,
and you're not gonna look at those
monster magazines. Understand?
Uh...
Okay. We're all here.
What's the deal?
Yeah. What the hell's
Monster Squad?
It's us.
We're the Monster Squad.
-Since when?
-Since now!
-What's a "squad?"
-It's like Miami Vice, I think.
Look, I think there's monsters.
Like, real ones.
I heard my dad talking on the telephone
to a guy down at the police station.
There was a guy screaming
he was a werewolf. And they shot him.
And the body disappeared
from the coroner van.
And the coroner guy was dead.
So what? He got shot,
and the werewolf took his body?
No, you pinhead!
He was a werewolf! Maybe.
-But if they shot him...
-They must've been regular bullets,
not silver ones.
Look, I know this will
sound pretty stupid,
but a mummy disappeared
from the museum tonight.
Mummy came in my house.
And guys,
Dracula might be here, too.
Aw, man, Fat Kid farted!
-Did not!
-Can't you hold it? God!
Goddamn it, would you shut up?
Did you hear a word I said?
The guys are dead!
Get a clue!
Something's out there,
and it's killing people!
And if it's monsters, nobody's gonna do
a thing about it but us!
So, what do we do?
Think this book
might be important.
Look, it's Van Helsing's diary.
My mom said they found it
in an old house on Shadowbrook Road.
But I can't read it.
It's all in German.
My sister takes German
in high school.
Your sister doesn't
speak German.
All she does is hang around
and let guys touch her tits.
Your sister wouldn't happen
to live next door, would she?
-So what?
-That girl's your sister?
So, what do you say?
Are we Monster Squad
or what?
-Cool.
-All right.
RUDY: How does that dog
get up here, anyways?
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Old friend.
How do you like your new home?
Home.
I must sleep soon,
so listen very carefully.
Van Helsing's diary
is missing.
I want you
to retrieve it for me.
-You understand?
-Yes, Master.
Children possess it.
I want you to find them
and take the diary.
If they do not cooperate,
you will kill them.
FAT KID: Gentlemen, I'd just
like to say three words,
Scary German Guy.
Who else are we gonna get
to translate this thing?
Come on.
Somebody go up and knock.
You knock.
You're our leader.
Firstly, he's scary, okay?
And "B," he's German.
Maybe he doesn't
even speak English.
Okay, so what's German for,
"Please don't murder us"?
(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
(HUMMING)
(RASPY BREATHING)
Boys, time is almost up.
It's your last chance for pie.
-FAT KID: Thanks, mister, uh, guy.
-Now, here we go.
FAT KID: I mean...
SEAN: No, thanks.
So? Now, where were we?
Ah, ja.
"The amulet itself
is fairly small
"and carved
with intricate symbols."
Oh. Rather an odd-looking thing,
don't you think?
Scary German Guy's bitchin'.
SEAN: Sir, the thing
I don't understand
is the part
about the equilibrium.
MAN: Well, according
to this rather curious book
you have brought me,
"The forces of good and evil..."
-That is a B-17, in case you are wondering.
-It's rad!
"Good and evil are
in constant flux, back and forth.
"Only once, every hundred years,
are these forces balanced."
And what about the amulet?
The amulet,
so nearly as I can translate,
is "concentrated good."
"It is a talisman which wards
off evil and is..."
How you say,
uh, "indestructible"?
That means
it can't be destroyed.
MAN: Or, in any case,
normally destroyed.
However, and this part
is underlined,
"Once every hundred years,
"at the stroke of midnight,
"the amulet becomes vulnerable,
"and at that moment,
it can be shattered."
And if it is?
Then the balance between
good and evil will shift,
and evil will rule.
However, our friend
Mr. Van Helsing
claims there is a way to stop
the forces of darkness.
How?
"If one could gain possession
of the amulet
"before those forces,
"then every hundred years,
at midnight,
"there is another option.
"A ceremony, which,
when followed to the letter,
"will open a hole
into Limbo itself
"where dwell the damned,
"a vortex, which like
a great whirlwind,
"can swallow
the forces of evil forever."
Well, does it describe
the procedure at all?
In detail.
This was the last entry.
On this date, he was to battle
those forces himself.
Interesting.
It is tomorrow's date,
one hundred years ago!
A hundred years ago?
Tomorrow night.
-Thank you very much.
-Thanks.
Bye. Thank you very much
for all your time. Thank you.
I expect you boys thought
I was some kind of monster myself? Hm?
A vampire, perhaps?
That's quite all right.
But I am not, you know.
If I were a vampire,
then I wouldn't have a reflection.
Now, would I?
Man, you sure know
a lot about monsters.
Now that you mention it,
I suppose I do.
FAT KID: Guys, wait up!
Tomorrow night?
What do we have to do again?
-Blow a hole in Dumbo?
-Limbo, stupid.
So how do we know
the amulet's there, anyway?
Because, you dweeb, Dracula's
obviously here looking for it.
If we don't find it before
he does, we're beast bait.
Okay, so say we get
the amulet. Then what?
-Wait till midnight, and?
-We get a virgin.
-A virgin?
-Yeah.
Okay, right. Then what?
Well, our virgin takes the amulet,
reads the magic spell from the book,
and, blamo,
we blow a hole in Limbo.
-That's so easy.
-Oh, a cinch.
Piece of cake. Yeah.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
-Rudy. Question.
-Shoot.
Know any virgins?
SEAN: Okay. Rudy, find
some silver bullets.
RUDY: Where the hell am I
supposed to find silver bullets?
-Kmart?
-I don't know. Gimme a break.
SEAN: Fat Kid, get a map.
Find Shadowbrook Road.
FAT KID: What, do I look in the index
for "big, scary mansion?"
-SEAN: Oh, you're a riot.
-You guys!
How can we trust
Scary German Guy?
Why would he lie
about a thing like this?
-Sean!
-Phoebe, handle life, okay?
You're being a spaz! Ow! God!
You bit me, you brat!
-I'm telling Mom on you!
-Would you look?
PHOEBE: It's okay, you guys!
He's friends with us!
Come on!
Don't be chickenshit!
Come on.
I want to show you my friends.
-Sean, no.
-Oh, go for it.
FAT KID: Sean, are you crazy?
That's a walking dead guy.
PATRICK:
Sean, please don't die.
Are... Are you dead?
Dead?
Does Mom know about him?
No. Only us.
Hey, guys, get over here!
He's great!
Now can I be
in the Monster Club?
I can't believe it.
Frankenstein's monster
in our clubhouse.
PATRICK: Let's ask him
to leave, okay?
SEAN: You're not
still scared, are you?
Well, he is
a little bit gross, Sean.
Scraps.
-I taught him to talk.
-Bogus.
Give me...
...a... break.
Huddle up, you guys.
Sean, we gotta get an adult.
And your dad's a cop,
so if we get your dad...
SEAN:
Absolutely no grownups, okay?
They'll lock him up in a cage
or something.
-Dissect him.
-FAT KID: Or put him on TV!
-Fat Kid.
-(LAUGHTER)
Why are you such a lameoid?
FAT KID: You're the lameoid.
Bogus! Bogus.
RUDY: Dudes, check it out.
(WHIMPERING)
(STAMMERS) Scary?
(DOG BARKING)
The amulet is near.
Very near, yes.
Oh, Van Helsing, your disciples
were very clumsy,
trying to hide from me
the very thing that is mine.
No hiding, never, from me.
Ah! It's here!
(GRUNTING)
My prize.
Soon, Van Helsing,
soon the creatures of the night
shall rule the world.
And there is no one to stop us!
(ALARM BUZZING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ I don't wanna go home
I don't wanna leave the floor
-♪ Someone turn the lights down
-♪ Pull the shades and lock the door
♪ We're gonna let
This feeling under
♪ We gotta cut loose
And turn it up all the way
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your feet fall off
♪ I don't wanna sit down
I don't need no easy chair
♪ Someone turn the clock back
We ain't gonna go nowhere
♪ Hey
♪ Now we're gonna go in big
Like thunder
♪ No one can stop us now
We're going all the way
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your feet fall off
♪ We're gonna let this feeling under
♪ Cut it loose
And rock some more
♪ Now we're gonna go in
Big like thunder
♪ It's totally rad
It's cuckoo, it's cuckoo, it's cool
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your feet fall off
-♪ You better rock me
-♪ Rock until you drop
-♪ Yeah, rock me
-♪ Dance until your heart stops
-♪ Everybody sing
-♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Party till your brains fall out
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
-♪ Party till you're done
-♪ Rock until you drop
-♪ Baby, baby
-♪ Dance until your feet fall off ♪
I do regret the dosage,
my friend.
Most, um, lethal,
by human standards.
But then, human standards
do not apply, do they?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I'll go have a bite
while you change into
something more comfortable.
(GASPING)
(WOMAN YELPS)
Last night,
near the ambulance crash,
get this, eyewitness report.
Long black hearse.
No plates.
You wanna ask me
about the hood ornament?
What about the hood ornament?
I thought you'd never ask.
A silver skull.
I consider this
an exciting lead.
-I am excited. Are you excited?
-I'm thrilled.
-Put out an APB.
-I already did.
I'm a very good policeman,
you know?
(PHONE RINGS)
Crenshaw.
Hurry! Get all your men
and send them down to 666 Shadowbrook Road!
It's an old mansion!
He's found the amulet!
There's no time!
-Who the hell is this?
-I'm the one they shot last night!
-I'm a werewolf now, but...
-Have a nice night.
No! No! No! No!
Don't hang up! (GROANS)
He's gonna kill your son!
(SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
(ROARS)
(HOWLING)
Patrick! Come in, Patrick.
Patrick, come in.
Yeah, we're here.
Where are you?
We're almost there.
Everything set with you?
Know in a minute. Rudy?
-Rudy!
-This babe is major.
PATRICK: Rudy's in love.
Well, good for Rudy.
Hey... Thanks a lot, Pete.
(ROARING)
(BARKING)
Okay, remember, rendezvous
position "A," 2200 hours.
-PATRICK: Say what?
-10:00, doofus.
How do we know
the amulet's there, anyway?
-We don't, but it's all we have to go on.
-Sean.
-Okay. Well, good luck, butt love.
-Sean.
-I know you are, but what am I?
-Sean.
Out.
What, Eugene?
Creature stole my Twinkie.
So? What did you
want to ask me?
What do we want to ask you...
Okay. Sis, me and Ru... Rudy?
Your show, ace.
Okay.
We just wanted to know...
-(COUGHS) ...if you're a virgin.
-What?
(COUGHS) Okay.
What we want to know is,
are you a... (BLABBERS)
RUDY: (CLEARS THROAT)
Look.
What your brother
is so delicately
attempting to inquire,
and let me, out of my own
personal curiosity,
is the degree to which
you may have or
have not, at some point in time
been dorked?
You guys are sick!
Guess what?
Fox Photo's got
a two-for-one deal this week,
and wouldn't you know it,
there's a space on the bulletin board,
right between
the prom committee notes
and the football roster.
Sean, about this
Monster Squad thing.
Maybe we could go back to the clubhouse
and rethink it with the other guys.
Fat Kid, you're being a wuss.
-Wuss?
-Can it, Frank.
-Time's running out.
-Sean, no!
Scary house, real monsters,
us, 12 years old, remember?
Midnight, end of world,
remember?
Master is near.
Master wants children dead.
FAT KID: Um, Sean?
Maybe we could be
like Math Squad instead,
you know, do math problems.
Stay home.
Or Nature Squad.
We could look at rocks,
collect birds. Not be dead.
See, it's this whole death
thing I'm not crazy about.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, no amulet.
-Let's go.
-Look, we got two consolations.
Number one,
Frankenstein's on our side.
And number two, my dad's a cop.
Anybody fools around with us,
he kicks their ass.
Hey, Frankie.
Come on.
(FLOOR CREAKS)
(EXPLOSION)
Frank!
Wake up! Wake up!
SEAN: Eugene,
get away from there!
-He won't wake up!
-SEAN: Fat Kid, use your eyes.
Does it look like
you can help him?
But... But what do I do, Sean?
-A monster!
-Don't call him a monster.
-Well, what if he's dead?
-Then he died to help us.
Now, look.
I'm the leader of this squad,
so listen up.
He said Dracula
knows we're here.
So let's just try
to find the amulet
and get the hell outta here.
-(GROWLING)
-(SCREAMS)
Sean!
-Kick him in the nards!
-What?
-Kick him in the nards!
-He doesn't have nards!
Do it! Do it!
-(GROANS)
-Wolfman's got nards!
Come on! Come on!
(GROWLS)
(DOG BARKING)
(PANTING, WHIMPERING)
-(SHOUTING)
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-(WOMEN HISSING)
-(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
-What are you doing?
-Haven't you read The Hardy Boys?
You pull some lever down
and a secret door opens!
-You've gotta be kidding!
-You have a better idea?
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(HORN HONKING)
PATRICK: Come on, Sean.
Damn! Where is he?
Where are you? Come in!
Sean! Where are you, Sean?
10:00. They're late.
Maybe the monsters got them.
(MOCKING) "Maybe
the monsters got them."
(COUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
-Can we go home, Sean?
-Oh, great.
-Please? Can't we go home?
-Just great.
Frankenstein's dead,
Eugene's whining,
and we're sitting here
with Pirate Bill.
Man, we're dead.
Eugene, stop it.
Bingo.
You guys, I got it!
-Give it to me.
-(CHOKING)
-Give it to me!
-(SCREAMING)
Get out of there!
Get out of there! Help!
Give it to me!
(SCREAMS)
Garlic!
Come on! Get outta here!
(DRACULA YELLS)
(DOG BARKING)
(GRUNTING)
You guys, we got
Scary German Guy to help us!
-The cavalry! Thank Christ.
-Yeah, we figured you guys were in trouble.
It was boss!
I saw Dracula!
-And I kicked Wolfman in the nards...
-Fat Kid, bag it, okay? Is she a virgin?
Why don't you put it on
the 6:00 news, you little shit?
Yeah, she is.
Perhaps we should all go back
to my place for some pie.
The book was right.
Don't you see?
It's all true!
We found the amulet, but now
there's monsters after us.
We gotta go to a place
where there's a lot of people.
-Church.
-What?
-Church!
-He's right.
-There's an old church in the town plaza.
-SEAN: Perfect.
Monsters hate religious stuff.
Del. Del. Del!
Look, I'm sorry.
What, you tryin' to tell me that we're
gonna go all the way out to Shadowbrook Road
because you get a call from some guy
who tells you he's a werewolf?
(LAUGHS)
Look, I'm sorry.
I guess it's feasible, Del.
Listen to me. Come on, man.
I apologize, all right?
-(LAUGHS)
-(SIREN WAILS)
Look! It's 20 minutes
till midnight!
If we pull this off,
I'm gonna shit!
-Ah!
-(ALL YELLING)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-Holy shit!
-Jesus Christ!
-(ALL YELLING)
-Give me some slack!
-What are you doing?
-Patrick, just give me some slack!
-No!
-You're closer! Just give me some slack!
-No way!
-Don't be a wuss!
-Okay!
(SCREAMING)
RUDY: Come on! Hurry!
SEAN: Yes! Come on!
Let go! Let go!
(SCREAMING)
Come on! Go! Go!
Go! Look at that!
It's dust!
Come on! Yes! Come on!
Go! Whoa!
-(THUDDING)
-See you later, Band-Aid breath.
(ALL YELLING)
RICH: Del, I don't know
if you're aware of this,
but we're going
a hundred miles an hour!
I notice little things
like that.
I'm a very good policeman.
You know that?
(SIREN WAILING)
(SCREAMING)
I'm not saying anything.
Not a single word.
I appreciate that.
Meeting adjourned.
(SIREN APPROACHING)
WOMAN ON RADIO: Dispatch
to unit 28. Please respond.
Freeze!
You move, and I'll kill you!
RICH: Dispatch, we got a 10-35.
Send backup! Hurry it up!
-Del!
-Get outta there!
I will have your son.
(BAT SQUEAKING)
Del? (SOBS)
Del? Del, what's happening?
-What?
-The kids.
Sean? Phoebe.
Phoebe? Sean!
Phoebe!
Sean, can you hear me?
Where are you?
Sean! Can you hear me?
Where are you?
SEAN: Dad! I'm here!
We're almost to Town Square. Hurry up!
Don't kick the church!
It's religious!
-It's locked is what it is.
-Fine.
We'll just have
to do it right here.
Like, really religious, Sean.
Why don't we just go over
and do it in Burger King?
You guys!
(THUNDER CRASHES)
SEAN: Oh, shit!
-Patrick, come on!
-Okay, come on, read the book.
-Go! Read! Go!
-Okay! Wait!
-Read!
-I'm flunking German!
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(SPEAKING HALTING GERMAN)
Damn! Really,
you should read it!
-He's not a virgin, you stupid!
-Did you ask him?
-Where you going, Rudy?
-I'm in the goddamn club, aren't I?
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-SEAN: I don't believe this!
GIRL: Will you speak English?
I can't understand you!
-Come on!
-Drunken munchkin warehouse!
-(SPEAKS GERMAN)
-Yeah, yeah, what he said!
Okay, skags, come and get it.
-(SCREAMING)
-I don't believe this.
(HISSING)
(SCREECHES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
Oh, shit!
Sean, look out!
(GRUNTING)
-Dad!
-You stay there!
(FAINT GROANING)
My God.
(MOANING)
Suck on this,
you son of a bitch.
(GROWLING)
-(GROWLING)
-Oof!
Ah!
Hey, asshole.
You looked.
All right, let's try it again,
now, shall we?
Look, you've got me upset!
Read it!
Come on, read!
(SNARLING)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Oh, my God! I said it!
-All right!
-You did! I have absolutely no idea how!
Uh...
Where's Limbo?
(GROWLING)
(HOWLING)
We just went through some major shit,
and where's the big Limbo thing?
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
(WOLFMAN SNARLS)
MAN: Jesus Christ!
MAN 2: Holy shit!
Kid, watch it!
Let's get him! Let's go!
Go! Go!
Are you absolutely sure
that she is...
You're not a virgin, are you?
No? No, what do you mean, no?
Well, Steve,
but he doesn't count!
Doesn't count!
-(GROWLING)
-(GRUNTS)
Ah!
Ah!
-(SNARLING)
-Bang.
(SHUDDERS)
God...
Thank you.
Told ya.
Only one way to kill a werewolf.
(ROARING)
-What?
-Is she a "vershion?"
She? A virgin?
Yes! A virgin!
We'll use the girl!
She can't read!
She's five years old!
I'll help her!
-(CRACKING)
-(GROANING)
(ROARS)
(CREATURE ROARING)
(ROARING)
E.J.! (GASPING)
Let me in, E.J.!
Let me in!
-(COCKS GUN)
-(ROARS)
Hey! Fat Kid!
-Good job.
-My name is Horace.
(COCKS GUN)
-(SPEAKING GERMAN)
-(SIREN APPROACHING)
(REPEATING IN GERMAN)
-(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
-(THUNDER CRASHING)
(PHOEBE REPEATING IN GERMAN)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
(PHOEBE REPEATING IN GERMAN)
Don't look up.
Don't look up.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Hey! Hey, hold it
right there a minute.
Hey! I said
to stop right there. Ah!
(GRUNTING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
-Ah!
-(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)
-(GRUNTING)
-(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Ah!
-Phoebe!
-Dad, no!
-DEL: Phoebe! Oh, no!
-Phoebe!
Give me the amulet, you bitch!
(SCREAMS)
(HISSING)
Phoebe! That's my daughter!
-(SCREAMING)
-(HISSING)
Bogus.
(GRUNTS)
Phoebe.
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)
(AMULET WHIRRING)
Ah!
(YELLING)
-Die!
-(YELLING)
Dad!
Sean!
(GROWLING)
Sean! Please! Ah!
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(DRACULA GROANING)
No!
PHOEBE: Don't go!
-Don't go away!
-Phoebe!
-Phoebe!
-Don't go! Don't go!
Bye!
Don't go away, Frankenstein!
Please don't go! Please!
Please don't go away,
Frankenstein!
Bye!
Mommy!
Del.
She's fine.
Hey, sweetheart.
Who's Eugene?
All right, son, where are they?
Where are the monsters?
The mummy came in my house.
Can somebody tell me
what the Sam Hill is going on around here?
Well, we can, sir.
Well, who are you?
We're the Monster Squad.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
-All right!
-Yeah!
♪ Gotta get up, gotta get up
We got work to do, work to do
♪ Every hundred years
In the darkest night
♪ The forces of evil
Come out to fight
♪ The amulet
They must destroy
♪ Or spend forever
In the darkest void
♪ Who can stop
Their deadly might?
♪ Who will stand up
For the right?
♪ From the mouth of babes
Comes dynamite
♪ The Monster Squad
Is gonna groove tonight
♪ First came Dracula
Now the Wolfman, too
♪ The Mummy and the Creature
From the Black Lagoon
♪ We need silver bullets
We need wooden stakes
-♪ Normal stuff won't stop them
-♪ 'Cause they live on hate
♪ Speak some magic words
From a virgin's lips
♪ Maybe that'll shake 'em
Make 'em slip and trip
♪ There's no turning back
Gotta fight the fight
♪ Yeah, the Monster Squad
Is gonna jam tonight
-♪ Monster Squad
-♪ We're the Monster Squad
♪ And the forces of evil
Better run and hide
-♪ Monster Squad
-♪ We're the Monster Squad
♪ And the forces of evil
♪ Best beware
Of the Monster Squad
♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out
We got work to do, work to do
♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out
We got work to do, work to do
♪ Mama dear can't help us
Dad don't understand
♪ No one would believe it
Put it in our hands
♪ Gotta stop those creatures
Send them back to hell
♪ Or there's no tomorrow
No saved by the bell
♪ There's no place to run
Nowhere to hide
♪ Now it's time to see
What you got inside
♪ No evil will escape my sight
♪ Yeah, the Monster Squad
Is gonna jam tonight
♪ This ain't Halloween
Or some phony deal
♪ They be playin' for keeps
They be playin' for real
♪ And once darkness spread
All across the land
♪ We're the only ones left
To make a stand
♪ We don't wanna hang
With the walking dead
♪ So we gotta kick
Some monster butt instead
♪ And you'll never see
Such a ghastly sight
♪ When the Monster Squad
Saves the world tonight
-♪ Monster Squad
-♪ We're the Monster Squad
♪ And the forces of evil
Better run and hide ♪
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
-(WOLF HOWLS)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(HOWLING)
(HOWLING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(WIND HOWLING)
(WATER DRIPPING)
(RATS SQUEAKING)
(SQUEAKING)
(BATS SQUEAKING)
(HORSES WHINNY)
-(DOGS BARKING)
-(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
(HISSING)
(SCREECHES)
Three minutes.
The girl. Now!
(THUNDER CRACKS)
Let's hurry a bit, shall we?
(GIRL SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-Come on! Faster, faster!
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
(SHOUTING)
-Ah!
-Oh!
(SCREECHES)
-(ROARS)
-Read!
-Or we're all gonna die!
-(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(SCREECHING)
-(MOANING)
-(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
-(SHOUTING)
(FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(GRUNTS)
(SCREAMING)
-(GASPS, SCREAMS)
-(SCREECHING)
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
(CHILDREN SHOUTING,
INDISTINCT)
MAN: Well, well, well.
Are you two sitting comfortably?
Good. Now, gentlemen.
Do you see these file folders?
The ones with your names
on them?
Can you guess what's in these file folders?
I'll give you a hint.
Discipline reports.
Lots of them.
And some wonderful
artwork as well. This is...
Spider with human head?
-I'm sorry. Spider?
-BOY: With human head.
Yeah. He eats dogs
and cats and rabbits.
-Does he?
-Sean thought him up.
You see, sir, we kinda
have this monster club, okay?
And we draw those pictures to put
on our clubhouse walls.
Correction, Mr. Crenshaw. You draw pictures
during Mrs. Carlsen's science class
when you are supposed
to be paying attention.
Wait. I just want
to say one thing.
I mean, Ms. Carlsen's
a nice teacher and all,
but she's boring
and has an odd-shaped head.
That's why Sean and the guys
call her "Meow Mix,"
cause her head's
shaped like a cat head.
But I don't, sir,
'cause how rude.
(CHUCKLES)
Boys,
I hear you.
(CHUCKLES)
I was a kid once.
I thought monsters were cool.
And maybe, well, well, gosh,
maybe I'm just a big kid,
because, Sean, Patrick,
I think science is cool.
I dig it, man.
(LAUGHS)
Now, I'm sure both of you know
a great deal about monsters,
but that's not the issue here.
The issue is
science is real.
Monsters are not.
We don't know that, sir.
God, can you believe
Mr. Metzger?
Tell me about it. He touched me
and patted my shoulders and stuff.
-The guy was fully homo-ing out.
-I smell like the '40s.
I mean, when they send you to school,
why don't they tell you
about the homos
and the people with cat heads?
-(GRUNTS)
-WOMAN: Oh!
Sorry, Mrs. Carlsen.
-Meow.
-She's married, Sean.
Oh, my God!
Some guy kisses her at night?
I mean, a priest said,
"I now pronounce you man and wife,"
and it was okay with him?
Hey. Where's Fat Kid?
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to our show.
Tonight's question,
what makes Fat Kid fat?
-Fat Kid?
-Get out of here, E.J.
-"Get out of here, E.J."
-Nope.
-Not a good answer.
-Doesn't make any sense.
Let's go to our man
on the street. Derek.
Hi, I'm Derek,
and I'm in the street
where Fat Kid
is blocking traffic.
Fat Kid, can't you stop eating?
Look, I have
a glandular problem, okay?
At least I don't have
a stupidity problem.
-What'd you say, faggot? What'd you say?
-My name's Horace!
-(LAUGHS) Horace.
-Whore-ass.
Oops. I tore it. I guess I must have
a stupidity problem.
-Such assholes...
-What'd you say, faggot? What'd you say?
I said, "You're an asshole."
(GRUNTS)
(ALL SHOUTING)
Hey, Rudy.
E.J.
I see you met my friend Horace.
RUDY: You okay?
-Rudy, I, uh...
-Shh...
-You dropped your candy bar, E.J.
-It's his.
RUDY: It's yours now.
-Rudy...
-Eat.
-Rudy, I'm not gonna...
-Eat up!
And we'll call it a day.
ALL: Ew!
SEAN: Look, Patrick,
I told you before,
-Wolfman cannot drive a car.
-PATRICK: Yes, he can.
-SEAN: No, he can't!
-PATRICK: Yes, he can.
All I'm saying is, Sean,
he could if he had to.
He could not.
You're being such a dork!
-I know you are, but what am I?
-A dork.
I know you are, but what am I?
-Oh, great... A dork.
-I know you are, but what am I?
-A dork.
-I know you are, but what am I?
Infinity! Look,
Wolfman doesn't go to work.
-He's not, like, a guy.
-What are you talking about?
He walks around.
He wears pants.
He had to wear pants 'cause those movies
were made in the '40s.
He had to wear 'em
so you wouldn't see his wolf dork.
Wolf dork?
GIRL: You guys!
I saw him.
He was watching us.
-Who?
-Scary German Guy.
-Sean, he give me the creeps.
-He's just a dude on welfare.
-Maybe he's a German spy.
-SEAN: Oh, good one.
We're not at war
with Germany anymore.
-GIRL: We're at war with Vietnam.
-What?
It's in Rambo.
-You guys missed it!
-Oh! Fat Kid!
Rudy saved my life!
Do you think we could talk him
into joining the Monster Club?
Can we?
-Huddle.
-Huddle.
Sean, he's in junior high.
GIRL: I heard
he killed his dad.
Get out of here,
Phoebe the Feeb!
Okay, you guys. We should
let him in on one condition.
ALL: Monster test.
You guys! I saw Scary...
I saw him!
I saw Scary German Guy!
He was watching!
-MAN: I'm depressed.
-What for?
What do you mean, what for?
I'm flyin' a World War II bomber
with wooden crates in it
and dead bodies. I should have a party?
Do they complain?
Do they get airsick?
Do they ask for more
of the little almond things?
You're right. This is a great job.
I'm really happy.
(THUDDING)
-I thought they were dead.
-They are.
I'm going to, uh...
I'm gonna check it out.
Okay. Good.
You do that.
I'll stay here
and make spooky sounds.
(RAT SQUEAKING)
-(GASPS)
-(BAT SCREECHING)
(YELLS)
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Where are you,
you son of a bitch?
(MAN GRUNTS)
(SHOUTS)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREECHES)
FAT KID: Two ways
to kill a vampire.
SEAN: Good one, Fat Kid.
Excellent question.
RUDY:
Stake through the heart.
-SEAN: Right.
-PATRICK: What else?
-BOY: Oh, real good.
-SEAN: Eugene.
EUGENE: I wasn't talking.
It was Pete.
FAT KID: Get him a muzzle,
will ya?
RUDY: You guys meet up
here a lot, or, uh...
-SEAN: Every day.
-EUGENE: Do we meet up here a lot?
-SEAN: Eugene!
-EUGENE: Man!
SEAN: Eugene,
make Pete shut up.
EUGENE: Do you really think
that was a good question?
SEAN: Rudy! Are you gonna
listen or look out the window?
PATRICK: I told you he didn't
want to be in the club.
FAT KID: Lighten up, Patrick.
RUDY: No way!
SEAN: Hey, we're tryin' to do
the test here, you know.
FAT KID: You're gonna
piss him off.
RUDY: I'm beginning
to like this club.
Rudy! Come on.
It's a monster test.
It's important, okay?
Second way to kill a vampire.
Mm... I give up.
-Daylight.
-Sunlight. (LAUGHS)
Fat Kid, what other kind of light
is there during the day?
Go away, Pete!
Question two. Is Frankenstein
the name of the monster
-or the guy who made him?
-The guy.
-Right.
-(KNOCKING)
Can't you read?
Mom said you have
to let me in the club,
or else it's "prescruption."
That's discrimination, jerkoid.
"Prescription" is drugs, which you're on
if you think you're getting up here.
Come on, Sean!
I know about monsters.
Come on! Let me in the club!
Two ways to kill a werewolf.
-Silver bullet?
-And?
That's it. Shoot him
with a sliver bullet.
-Nope. Sorry, Rudy.
-(LAUGHS)
Okay, so what's the other way?
-What?
-Second way to kill a werewolf?
-Um...
-Car crash?
-Accident with power tools?
-Old age?
Falling out a window.
Onto a bomb!
WOMAN: Sean! Phoebe!
Dinner!
Oops. Gotta go.
Wait. Am I in or what?
-(MAN SPEAKING ON TV)
-I mean it, spaz.
PHOEBE: You gotta stop it.
Uh-uh!
Wash up for dinner, guys.
-Boring guy, boring guy, boring guy, boring guy.
-What's this, Mom?
Huh? Oh, I got that for you today
at Jane Burgess' garage sale.
Says it's from that old house
up on Shadowbrook Road.
Holy shit! Uh, cow.
I'm sorry.
Mom, do you know
who wrote this book?
Yeah. It's, what,
Van Helsing something.
Now, he's the one
that fights Godzilla, right?
-Dracula, Mom.
-Well, then which is the really tall one?
That's Godzilla.
My God! Abraham Van Helsing.
This is great! (LAUGHS)
This... This is German.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Let it begin.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
Hey, slick. Busy day?
Not really.
-Shoot any crooks today?
-Afraid not.
But I still may if you don't
wash up for dinner.
-What's on your mind?
-Well, Dad,
some of the guys and me
were maybe gonna go see
Ground Hog Day Part 12 tonight,
only if it's okay with you.
-Is it? Please?
-Oh, we got a problem.
-No way!
-Yes, way.
I gotta go out
with your mother tonight.
You got a certain five-year-old sister
who needs babysitting.
Oh, come on, Dad! I've waited
all year to see this movie!
Easy, pal, it's only a movie.
Look, tomorrow night,
you and I will go see Ground Hog Day.
I'll get home early.
Tomorrow night?
That'll be too late!
The guys will blab
the entire plot!
Plot? Did I hear "plot"?
Sean, it is a guy with an ax.
Anyway, I thought they killed
him in the last one.
They did. And he returns
from his grave.
Returns from the grave?
Sean, he always returns from the grave.
If they blew him up,
put his head in a blender,
and mailed the rest
of the pieces to Norway,
he would still return
from the grave.
That was part seven.
You want to know
what the plot is?
The plot separates you
from my five bucks.
I want to see a stupid movie.
Well, you can't.
You're babysitting.
-Fine. Can I have five bucks anyway?
-Absolutely.
-So where you two going tonight?
-Marriage counselor.
Again?
I thought you quit smoking.
Sean.
Son, I love you dearly,
but do me a favor.
-Put your basic lid on it.
-(PHONE RINGS)
Now, get outta here.
Hello. Yeah?
MAN: Officer, please!
Lock me up! Lock me up!
-I'm a werewolf! I'm a werewolf!
-Hey, Del.
-MAN: I know it sounds crazy, but...
-Bad news.
Listen, I gotta go downtown.
Can you reschedule
that appointment?
Honey, I'm a cop, okay?
You knew that
when you bought the package.
-Look, it's important.
-I'm important.
-I love you.
-Prove it.
I'll see you in a few hours.
MAN: Just for a night!
You see, it's a full moon!
-And I'm a werewolf!
-COP: Take it easy.
MAN: You don't understand!
You gotta lock me up!
-You gotta put me in a cage!
-I'd like nothing better! Hold onto your pants!
Oh, God! You don't understand!
You've gotta...
Anything you say, fella.
-(GRUNTING)
-MAN: Put the cuffs on him.
MAN 2: I got it. All right.
I got him now.
-(YELLING)
-Jesus Christ! We need some backup!
(SCREAMING)
-(GUNFIRE)
-Lock me up!
So, let me get this straight.
You tellin' me there was
this 2,000-year-old mummy here, right?
-Yes, sir.
-Well, now he's not here.
-He's gone. Vanished. History.
-Yes, sir.
And you're saying you didn't hear anybody
come in here or leave.
Is that right?
Can you hear me now? Hello?
-MAN: I can hear you fine.
-So nobody took the mummy.
-I would've heard them.
-Of course he would've. What a stupid question.
-Did you take him?
-No, sir.
Just a shot. That's it, Del.
This case is too hard, man.
Let's be firemen instead.
I'm glad you're getting major
laughs out of this, Rich.
The problem is,
2,000-year-old dead guys
do not get up
and walk away by themselves.
WOMAN OVER RADIO: Accident
patrol, request confirmation.
You have the 915-H
officer-involved shooting en route?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
(CREAKING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES
ON HEADPHONES)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
WOMAN ON SCREEN: My God!
You scared me!
MAN:
Where are Steve and Judy?
WOMAN: I thought
they were with you.
(DIALOGUE CONTINUES,
INDISTINCT)
-WOMAN: Not funny.
-MAN: Well, something funny's...
-What did I miss?
-WOMAN: Judy? Steve?
-MAN: Hey!
-(WOMAN SCREAMS)
MAN: Oh, Sheriff.
You scared us.
SHERIFF: Never mind
about that.
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(MUSIC PLAYING, SCREAMING)
This is the best part.
MAN: Judy!
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
MAN: Now, Lieutenant,
you wanna come over and take a look at this?
MAN OVER RADIO: Dispatch,
unit seven.
Unit seven, come in, please.
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-Please copy.
Wonderful. Great!
Just what I need.
-Come again? You're...
-What?
-Request, uh, cadaver...
-I can't hear you!
No, no, no! I said "missing."
The body's missing!
-It's the second one tonight.
-Confirmed.
That makes two tonight, right, Lieutenant?
Ha-ha. That's very funny.
Now, you want to shut up about it?
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
(GROWLING)
(GROWLING)
(SNARLS)
(GROWLING)
(WATER BUBBLING)
(ROARING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
It's been so long.
So very long.
Wake up, old friend.
It is our time.
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
(FIZZLING)
(SNARLING)
(GASPING)
Long... time...
...Master.
(HOWLING)
And you put the candle
next to your bed like this.
Your mom did this
when you were a little girl?
Uh-huh.
It means "I love you."
And as long as it's here,
nothing bad can happen.
Sean says when it lightnings,
monsters come.
Oh, he's just trying
to scare you, honey.
-Will lightning hit the house?
-No.
-The candle keeps it away?
-That's right.
Say goodnight to Scraps.
-Good night, Scraps.
-(HIGH-PITCHED) Good night, Emily.
Good night, sweetheart.
Are you gonna yell at him?
Honey, I love your father.
What?
I mean Sean, for scaring me.
Of course you did.
I'll talk to him about it,
sweetheart. Sweet dreams.
EMILY: You're thinking about
your job, isn't that right?
I can see it in your eyes, Del.
DEL: Yeah! I'm glad you can
see it in my eyes,
cause for a minute there
I thought I had you fooled.
Come on, this isn't...
No, come on! Look at my eyes!
Look at my eyes!
I'll think about stuff,
and you can tell me when I'm thinking correctly!
EMILY: Keep your voice down.
I don't want the children...
DEL: I had a lousy night,
all right?
EMILY: Every night
I have a lousy night.
DEL: I'm sorry it's such
a pain in the ass for you
with my stupid little job!
I am trying to explain...
DEL: Some guy steals
a priceless Egyptian mummy...
That happens every day.
Skip that.
Then I get a call from some nutcase
who's shouting he's a werewolf!
You like that?
What do they do?
They blow him away right there
in the police station!
Wait a minute!
There is more to this!
(CONTINUES, INDISTINCT)
DEL: ...marriage counseling!
For what?
(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
-What?
-There's a monster in my closet.
Damn, son, look!
All of these monsters!
Come on, all of you monsters,
outta here!
Everyone, out of this room!
Come... Ah!
You, on the bed! Come on! Out! Out!
Take a hike! There he goes.
(SIGHS) You see
any more monsters?
In the closet?
Sure. We can go into the closet.
We can do that.
Okay, monsters!
Ooh!
Look at that big, scary monster!
Ooh!
Listen. You are not gonna sleep
with your mother and me tonight,
so you can forget it.
And keep this up,
and you're not gonna look at those
monster magazines. Understand?
Uh...
Okay. We're all here.
What's the deal?
Yeah. What the hell's
Monster Squad?
It's us.
We're the Monster Squad.
-Since when?
-Since now!
-What's a "squad?"
-It's like Miami Vice, I think.
Look, I think there's monsters.
Like, real ones.
I heard my dad talking on the telephone
to a guy down at the police station.
There was a guy screaming
he was a werewolf. And they shot him.
And the body disappeared
from the coroner van.
And the coroner guy was dead.
So what? He got shot,
and the werewolf took his body?
No, you pinhead!
He was a werewolf! Maybe.
-But if they shot him...
-They must've been regular bullets,
not silver ones.
Look, I know this will
sound pretty stupid,
but a mummy disappeared
from the museum tonight.
Mummy came in my house.
And guys,
Dracula might be here, too.
Aw, man, Fat Kid farted!
-Did not!
-Can't you hold it? God!
Goddamn it, would you shut up?
Did you hear a word I said?
The guys are dead!
Get a clue!
Something's out there,
and it's killing people!
And if it's monsters, nobody's gonna do
a thing about it but us!
So, what do we do?
Think this book
might be important.
Look, it's Van Helsing's diary.
My mom said they found it
in an old house on Shadowbrook Road.
But I can't read it.
It's all in German.
My sister takes German
in high school.
Your sister doesn't
speak German.
All she does is hang around
and let guys touch her tits.
Your sister wouldn't happen
to live next door, would she?
-So what?
-That girl's your sister?
So, what do you say?
Are we Monster Squad
or what?
-Cool.
-All right.
RUDY: How does that dog
get up here, anyways?
(THUNDER CRASHES)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Old friend.
How do you like your new home?
Home.
I must sleep soon,
so listen very carefully.
Van Helsing's diary
is missing.
I want you
to retrieve it for me.
-You understand?
-Yes, Master.
Children possess it.
I want you to find them
and take the diary.
If they do not cooperate,
you will kill them.
FAT KID: Gentlemen, I'd just
like to say three words,
Scary German Guy.
Who else are we gonna get
to translate this thing?
Come on.
Somebody go up and knock.
You knock.
You're our leader.
Firstly, he's scary, okay?
And "B," he's German.
Maybe he doesn't
even speak English.
Okay, so what's German for,
"Please don't murder us"?
(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
(HUMMING)
(RASPY BREATHING)
Boys, time is almost up.
It's your last chance for pie.
-FAT KID: Thanks, mister, uh, guy.
-Now, here we go.
FAT KID: I mean...
SEAN: No, thanks.
So? Now, where were we?
Ah, ja.
"The amulet itself
is fairly small
"and carved
with intricate symbols."
Oh. Rather an odd-looking thing,
don't you think?
Scary German Guy's bitchin'.
SEAN: Sir, the thing
I don't understand
is the part
about the equilibrium.
MAN: Well, according
to this rather curious book
you have brought me,
"The forces of good and evil..."
-That is a B-17, in case you are wondering.
-It's rad!
"Good and evil are
in constant flux, back and forth.
"Only once, every hundred years,
are these forces balanced."
And what about the amulet?
The amulet,
so nearly as I can translate,
is "concentrated good."
"It is a talisman which wards
off evil and is..."
How you say,
uh, "indestructible"?
That means
it can't be destroyed.
MAN: Or, in any case,
normally destroyed.
However, and this part
is underlined,
"Once every hundred years,
"at the stroke of midnight,
"the amulet becomes vulnerable,
"and at that moment,
it can be shattered."
And if it is?
Then the balance between
good and evil will shift,
and evil will rule.
However, our friend
Mr. Van Helsing
claims there is a way to stop
the forces of darkness.
How?
"If one could gain possession
of the amulet
"before those forces,
"then every hundred years,
at midnight,
"there is another option.
"A ceremony, which,
when followed to the letter,
"will open a hole
into Limbo itself
"where dwell the damned,
"a vortex, which like
a great whirlwind,
"can swallow
the forces of evil forever."
Well, does it describe
the procedure at all?
In detail.
This was the last entry.
On this date, he was to battle
those forces himself.
Interesting.
It is tomorrow's date,
one hundred years ago!
A hundred years ago?
Tomorrow night.
-Thank you very much.
-Thanks.
Bye. Thank you very much
for all your time. Thank you.
I expect you boys thought
I was some kind of monster myself? Hm?
A vampire, perhaps?
That's quite all right.
But I am not, you know.
If I were a vampire,
then I wouldn't have a reflection.
Now, would I?
Man, you sure know
a lot about monsters.
Now that you mention it,
I suppose I do.
FAT KID: Guys, wait up!
Tomorrow night?
What do we have to do again?
-Blow a hole in Dumbo?
-Limbo, stupid.
So how do we know
the amulet's there, anyway?
Because, you dweeb, Dracula's
obviously here looking for it.
If we don't find it before
he does, we're beast bait.
Okay, so say we get
the amulet. Then what?
-Wait till midnight, and?
-We get a virgin.
-A virgin?
-Yeah.
Okay, right. Then what?
Well, our virgin takes the amulet,
reads the magic spell from the book,
and, blamo,
we blow a hole in Limbo.
-That's so easy.
-Oh, a cinch.
Piece of cake. Yeah.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
-Rudy. Question.
-Shoot.
Know any virgins?
SEAN: Okay. Rudy, find
some silver bullets.
RUDY: Where the hell am I
supposed to find silver bullets?
-Kmart?
-I don't know. Gimme a break.
SEAN: Fat Kid, get a map.
Find Shadowbrook Road.
FAT KID: What, do I look in the index
for "big, scary mansion?"
-SEAN: Oh, you're a riot.
-You guys!
How can we trust
Scary German Guy?
Why would he lie
about a thing like this?
-Sean!
-Phoebe, handle life, okay?
You're being a spaz! Ow! God!
You bit me, you brat!
-I'm telling Mom on you!
-Would you look?
PHOEBE: It's okay, you guys!
He's friends with us!
Come on!
Don't be chickenshit!
Come on.
I want to show you my friends.
-Sean, no.
-Oh, go for it.
FAT KID: Sean, are you crazy?
That's a walking dead guy.
PATRICK:
Sean, please don't die.
Are... Are you dead?
Dead?
Does Mom know about him?
No. Only us.
Hey, guys, get over here!
He's great!
Now can I be
in the Monster Club?
I can't believe it.
Frankenstein's monster
in our clubhouse.
PATRICK: Let's ask him
to leave, okay?
SEAN: You're not
still scared, are you?
Well, he is
a little bit gross, Sean.
Scraps.
-I taught him to talk.
-Bogus.
Give me...
...a... break.
Huddle up, you guys.
Sean, we gotta get an adult.
And your dad's a cop,
so if we get your dad...
SEAN:
Absolutely no grownups, okay?
They'll lock him up in a cage
or something.
-Dissect him.
-FAT KID: Or put him on TV!
-Fat Kid.
-(LAUGHTER)
Why are you such a lameoid?
FAT KID: You're the lameoid.
Bogus! Bogus.
RUDY: Dudes, check it out.
(WHIMPERING)
(STAMMERS) Scary?
(DOG BARKING)
The amulet is near.
Very near, yes.
Oh, Van Helsing, your disciples
were very clumsy,
trying to hide from me
the very thing that is mine.
No hiding, never, from me.
Ah! It's here!
(GRUNTING)
My prize.
Soon, Van Helsing,
soon the creatures of the night
shall rule the world.
And there is no one to stop us!
(ALARM BUZZING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ I don't wanna go home
I don't wanna leave the floor
-♪ Someone turn the lights down
-♪ Pull the shades and lock the door
♪ We're gonna let
This feeling under
♪ We gotta cut loose
And turn it up all the way
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your feet fall off
♪ I don't wanna sit down
I don't need no easy chair
♪ Someone turn the clock back
We ain't gonna go nowhere
♪ Hey
♪ Now we're gonna go in big
Like thunder
♪ No one can stop us now
We're going all the way
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your feet fall off
♪ We're gonna let this feeling under
♪ Cut it loose
And rock some more
♪ Now we're gonna go in
Big like thunder
♪ It's totally rad
It's cuckoo, it's cuckoo, it's cool
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your feet fall off
-♪ You better rock me
-♪ Rock until you drop
-♪ Yeah, rock me
-♪ Dance until your heart stops
-♪ Everybody sing
-♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Party till your brains fall out
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Rock until you drop
♪ Dance until your heart stops
-♪ Party till you're done
-♪ Rock until you drop
-♪ Baby, baby
-♪ Dance until your feet fall off ♪
I do regret the dosage,
my friend.
Most, um, lethal,
by human standards.
But then, human standards
do not apply, do they?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I'll go have a bite
while you change into
something more comfortable.
(GASPING)
(WOMAN YELPS)
Last night,
near the ambulance crash,
get this, eyewitness report.
Long black hearse.
No plates.
You wanna ask me
about the hood ornament?
What about the hood ornament?
I thought you'd never ask.
A silver skull.
I consider this
an exciting lead.
-I am excited. Are you excited?
-I'm thrilled.
-Put out an APB.
-I already did.
I'm a very good policeman,
you know?
(PHONE RINGS)
Crenshaw.
Hurry! Get all your men
and send them down to 666 Shadowbrook Road!
It's an old mansion!
He's found the amulet!
There's no time!
-Who the hell is this?
-I'm the one they shot last night!
-I'm a werewolf now, but...
-Have a nice night.
No! No! No! No!
Don't hang up! (GROANS)
He's gonna kill your son!
(SCREAMING)
(ROARS)
(ROARS)
(HOWLING)
Patrick! Come in, Patrick.
Patrick, come in.
Yeah, we're here.
Where are you?
We're almost there.
Everything set with you?
Know in a minute. Rudy?
-Rudy!
-This babe is major.
PATRICK: Rudy's in love.
Well, good for Rudy.
Hey... Thanks a lot, Pete.
(ROARING)
(BARKING)
Okay, remember, rendezvous
position "A," 2200 hours.
-PATRICK: Say what?
-10:00, doofus.
How do we know
the amulet's there, anyway?
-We don't, but it's all we have to go on.
-Sean.
-Okay. Well, good luck, butt love.
-Sean.
-I know you are, but what am I?
-Sean.
Out.
What, Eugene?
Creature stole my Twinkie.
So? What did you
want to ask me?
What do we want to ask you...
Okay. Sis, me and Ru... Rudy?
Your show, ace.
Okay.
We just wanted to know...
-(COUGHS) ...if you're a virgin.
-What?
(COUGHS) Okay.
What we want to know is,
are you a... (BLABBERS)
RUDY: (CLEARS THROAT)
Look.
What your brother
is so delicately
attempting to inquire,
and let me, out of my own
personal curiosity,
is the degree to which
you may have or
have not, at some point in time
been dorked?
You guys are sick!
Guess what?
Fox Photo's got
a two-for-one deal this week,
and wouldn't you know it,
there's a space on the bulletin board,
right between
the prom committee notes
and the football roster.
Sean, about this
Monster Squad thing.
Maybe we could go back to the clubhouse
and rethink it with the other guys.
Fat Kid, you're being a wuss.
-Wuss?
-Can it, Frank.
-Time's running out.
-Sean, no!
Scary house, real monsters,
us, 12 years old, remember?
Midnight, end of world,
remember?
Master is near.
Master wants children dead.
FAT KID: Um, Sean?
Maybe we could be
like Math Squad instead,
you know, do math problems.
Stay home.
Or Nature Squad.
We could look at rocks,
collect birds. Not be dead.
See, it's this whole death
thing I'm not crazy about.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, no amulet.
-Let's go.
-Look, we got two consolations.
Number one,
Frankenstein's on our side.
And number two, my dad's a cop.
Anybody fools around with us,
he kicks their ass.
Hey, Frankie.
Come on.
(FLOOR CREAKS)
(EXPLOSION)
Frank!
Wake up! Wake up!
SEAN: Eugene,
get away from there!
-He won't wake up!
-SEAN: Fat Kid, use your eyes.
Does it look like
you can help him?
But... But what do I do, Sean?
-A monster!
-Don't call him a monster.
-Well, what if he's dead?
-Then he died to help us.
Now, look.
I'm the leader of this squad,
so listen up.
He said Dracula
knows we're here.
So let's just try
to find the amulet
and get the hell outta here.
-(GROWLING)
-(SCREAMS)
Sean!
-Kick him in the nards!
-What?
-Kick him in the nards!
-He doesn't have nards!
Do it! Do it!
-(GROANS)
-Wolfman's got nards!
Come on! Come on!
(GROWLS)
(DOG BARKING)
(PANTING, WHIMPERING)
-(SHOUTING)
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-(WOMEN HISSING)
-(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
-What are you doing?
-Haven't you read The Hardy Boys?
You pull some lever down
and a secret door opens!
-You've gotta be kidding!
-You have a better idea?
-(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(HORN HONKING)
PATRICK: Come on, Sean.
Damn! Where is he?
Where are you? Come in!
Sean! Where are you, Sean?
10:00. They're late.
Maybe the monsters got them.
(MOCKING) "Maybe
the monsters got them."
(COUGHING)
(SCREAMING)
-Can we go home, Sean?
-Oh, great.
-Please? Can't we go home?
-Just great.
Frankenstein's dead,
Eugene's whining,
and we're sitting here
with Pirate Bill.
Man, we're dead.
Eugene, stop it.
Bingo.
You guys, I got it!
-Give it to me.
-(CHOKING)
-Give it to me!
-(SCREAMING)
Get out of there!
Get out of there! Help!
Give it to me!
(SCREAMS)
Garlic!
Come on! Get outta here!
(DRACULA YELLS)
(DOG BARKING)
(GRUNTING)
You guys, we got
Scary German Guy to help us!
-The cavalry! Thank Christ.
-Yeah, we figured you guys were in trouble.
It was boss!
I saw Dracula!
-And I kicked Wolfman in the nards...
-Fat Kid, bag it, okay? Is she a virgin?
Why don't you put it on
the 6:00 news, you little shit?
Yeah, she is.
Perhaps we should all go back
to my place for some pie.
The book was right.
Don't you see?
It's all true!
We found the amulet, but now
there's monsters after us.
We gotta go to a place
where there's a lot of people.
-Church.
-What?
-Church!
-He's right.
-There's an old church in the town plaza.
-SEAN: Perfect.
Monsters hate religious stuff.
Del. Del. Del!
Look, I'm sorry.
What, you tryin' to tell me that we're
gonna go all the way out to Shadowbrook Road
because you get a call from some guy
who tells you he's a werewolf?
(LAUGHS)
Look, I'm sorry.
I guess it's feasible, Del.
Listen to me. Come on, man.
I apologize, all right?
-(LAUGHS)
-(SIREN WAILS)
Look! It's 20 minutes
till midnight!
If we pull this off,
I'm gonna shit!
-Ah!
-(ALL YELLING)
-(ALL SCREAMING)
-Holy shit!
-Jesus Christ!
-(ALL YELLING)
-Give me some slack!
-What are you doing?
-Patrick, just give me some slack!
-No!
-You're closer! Just give me some slack!
-No way!
-Don't be a wuss!
-Okay!
(SCREAMING)
RUDY: Come on! Hurry!
SEAN: Yes! Come on!
Let go! Let go!
(SCREAMING)
Come on! Go! Go!
Go! Look at that!
It's dust!
Come on! Yes! Come on!
Go! Whoa!
-(THUDDING)
-See you later, Band-Aid breath.
(ALL YELLING)
RICH: Del, I don't know
if you're aware of this,
but we're going
a hundred miles an hour!
I notice little things
like that.
I'm a very good policeman.
You know that?
(SIREN WAILING)
(SCREAMING)
I'm not saying anything.
Not a single word.
I appreciate that.
Meeting adjourned.
(SIREN APPROACHING)
WOMAN ON RADIO: Dispatch
to unit 28. Please respond.
Freeze!
You move, and I'll kill you!
RICH: Dispatch, we got a 10-35.
Send backup! Hurry it up!
-Del!
-Get outta there!
I will have your son.
(BAT SQUEAKING)
Del? (SOBS)
Del? Del, what's happening?
-What?
-The kids.
Sean? Phoebe.
Phoebe? Sean!
Phoebe!
Sean, can you hear me?
Where are you?
Sean! Can you hear me?
Where are you?
SEAN: Dad! I'm here!
We're almost to Town Square. Hurry up!
Don't kick the church!
It's religious!
-It's locked is what it is.
-Fine.
We'll just have
to do it right here.
Like, really religious, Sean.
Why don't we just go over
and do it in Burger King?
You guys!
(THUNDER CRASHES)
SEAN: Oh, shit!
-Patrick, come on!
-Okay, come on, read the book.
-Go! Read! Go!
-Okay! Wait!
-Read!
-I'm flunking German!
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
(SPEAKING HALTING GERMAN)
Damn! Really,
you should read it!
-He's not a virgin, you stupid!
-Did you ask him?
-Where you going, Rudy?
-I'm in the goddamn club, aren't I?
-(THUNDER CRASHES)
-SEAN: I don't believe this!
GIRL: Will you speak English?
I can't understand you!
-Come on!
-Drunken munchkin warehouse!
-(SPEAKS GERMAN)
-Yeah, yeah, what he said!
Okay, skags, come and get it.
-(SCREAMING)
-I don't believe this.
(HISSING)
(SCREECHES)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
Oh, shit!
Sean, look out!
(GRUNTING)
-Dad!
-You stay there!
(FAINT GROANING)
My God.
(MOANING)
Suck on this,
you son of a bitch.
(GROWLING)
-(GROWLING)
-Oof!
Ah!
Hey, asshole.
You looked.
All right, let's try it again,
now, shall we?
Look, you've got me upset!
Read it!
Come on, read!
(SNARLING)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Oh, my God! I said it!
-All right!
-You did! I have absolutely no idea how!
Uh...
Where's Limbo?
(GROWLING)
(HOWLING)
We just went through some major shit,
and where's the big Limbo thing?
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
(WOLFMAN SNARLS)
MAN: Jesus Christ!
MAN 2: Holy shit!
Kid, watch it!
Let's get him! Let's go!
Go! Go!
Are you absolutely sure
that she is...
You're not a virgin, are you?
No? No, what do you mean, no?
Well, Steve,
but he doesn't count!
Doesn't count!
-(GROWLING)
-(GRUNTS)
Ah!
Ah!
-(SNARLING)
-Bang.
(SHUDDERS)
God...
Thank you.
Told ya.
Only one way to kill a werewolf.
(ROARING)
-What?
-Is she a "vershion?"
She? A virgin?
Yes! A virgin!
We'll use the girl!
She can't read!
She's five years old!
I'll help her!
-(CRACKING)
-(GROANING)
(ROARS)
(CREATURE ROARING)
(ROARING)
E.J.! (GASPING)
Let me in, E.J.!
Let me in!
-(COCKS GUN)
-(ROARS)
Hey! Fat Kid!
-Good job.
-My name is Horace.
(COCKS GUN)
-(SPEAKING GERMAN)
-(SIREN APPROACHING)
(REPEATING IN GERMAN)
-(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
-(THUNDER CRASHING)
(PHOEBE REPEATING IN GERMAN)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
(PHOEBE REPEATING IN GERMAN)
Don't look up.
Don't look up.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Hey! Hey, hold it
right there a minute.
Hey! I said
to stop right there. Ah!
(GRUNTING)
(THUNDER CRASHES)
-Ah!
-(MAN SPEAKING GERMAN)
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)
-(GRUNTING)
-(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Ah!
-Phoebe!
-Dad, no!
-DEL: Phoebe! Oh, no!
-Phoebe!
Give me the amulet, you bitch!
(SCREAMS)
(HISSING)
Phoebe! That's my daughter!
-(SCREAMING)
-(HISSING)
Bogus.
(GRUNTS)
Phoebe.
(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)
(AMULET WHIRRING)
Ah!
(YELLING)
-Die!
-(YELLING)
Dad!
Sean!
(GROWLING)
Sean! Please! Ah!
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(DRACULA GROANING)
No!
PHOEBE: Don't go!
-Don't go away!
-Phoebe!
-Phoebe!
-Don't go! Don't go!
Bye!
Don't go away, Frankenstein!
Please don't go! Please!
Please don't go away,
Frankenstein!
Bye!
Mommy!
Del.
She's fine.
Hey, sweetheart.
Who's Eugene?
All right, son, where are they?
Where are the monsters?
The mummy came in my house.
Can somebody tell me
what the Sam Hill is going on around here?
Well, we can, sir.
Well, who are you?
We're the Monster Squad.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
-All right!
-Yeah!
♪ Gotta get up, gotta get up
We got work to do, work to do
♪ Every hundred years
In the darkest night
♪ The forces of evil
Come out to fight
♪ The amulet
They must destroy
♪ Or spend forever
In the darkest void
♪ Who can stop
Their deadly might?
♪ Who will stand up
For the right?
♪ From the mouth of babes
Comes dynamite
♪ The Monster Squad
Is gonna groove tonight
♪ First came Dracula
Now the Wolfman, too
♪ The Mummy and the Creature
From the Black Lagoon
♪ We need silver bullets
We need wooden stakes
-♪ Normal stuff won't stop them
-♪ 'Cause they live on hate
♪ Speak some magic words
From a virgin's lips
♪ Maybe that'll shake 'em
Make 'em slip and trip
♪ There's no turning back
Gotta fight the fight
♪ Yeah, the Monster Squad
Is gonna jam tonight
-♪ Monster Squad
-♪ We're the Monster Squad
♪ And the forces of evil
Better run and hide
-♪ Monster Squad
-♪ We're the Monster Squad
♪ And the forces of evil
♪ Best beware
Of the Monster Squad
♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out
We got work to do, work to do
♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out
We got work to do, work to do
♪ Mama dear can't help us
Dad don't understand
♪ No one would believe it
Put it in our hands
♪ Gotta stop those creatures
Send them back to hell
♪ Or there's no tomorrow
No saved by the bell
♪ There's no place to run
Nowhere to hide
♪ Now it's time to see
What you got inside
♪ No evil will escape my sight
♪ Yeah, the Monster Squad
Is gonna jam tonight
♪ This ain't Halloween
Or some phony deal
♪ They be playin' for keeps
They be playin' for real
♪ And once darkness spread
All across the land
♪ We're the only ones left
To make a stand
♪ We don't wanna hang
With the walking dead
♪ So we gotta kick
Some monster butt instead
♪ And you'll never see
Such a ghastly sight
♪ When the Monster Squad
Saves the world tonight
-♪ Monster Squad
-♪ We're the Monster Squad
♪ And the forces of evil
Better run and hide ♪
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)