The Monkey Mission (1981) - full transcript

[ music box playing
"Mary Had a little lamb" ]

[ theme music playing ]

I've been
expecting you, Keys.

Bad night for a gent
to be on the streets.

I know you did it.

I don't know how you did
it, or why you did it,

but I know you did it.

Don't think you're
gonna pull it off,

because I'm still here
and the game is still on.

Let me tell you a story.

This story should start
with "Once upon a time,"



but it starts
with a phone call

that I got from a
rich lady in Ireland

I worked for
a couple years back.

She wanted me
to meet with a teabag

over on this side...

One of them international
guys that works for anybody

and does anything...
if the price is right.

You know me.

Everything's a set-up
in my book.

So I arranged to meet
with him on my turf...

The Medici vase.

It's Roman.
700 A.D.

The only one
to survive intact

throughout history.



The one vase took
years to make.

The cost... astronomical.

Absolutely stunning.

If you're going to mate with
it, I don't wanna watch.

This isn't the original,
it's a copy.

But a perfect copy... they're
valued at over 20,000 pounds.

I'm impressed.

The original is worth
over $3 million.

It's recently surfaced in
the Briarton family collection

in San Clemente. I assume
you've heard of them.

It's hard to live
in California and not.

Why don't you get
to the punch line, pal?

The family I represent
would like it returned.

I'm prepared to offer you
a substantial fee

for its recovery.

I'm a private dick,
not a thief.

Why don't you go
to the heat?

Simply put...

the international authorities
don't consider it stolen.

You see...

certain works of art
are considered the property

of whoever possesses it.

The police only
become interested

when a piece is stolen
from a public collection,

such as the Da Vincis owned
by the Italian government.

A Da Vinci owned by a private
citizen, for example,

is virtually
up for grabs.

What did you say
the original's worth?

$3 million.

My price is 150 gs.

If you flinch,
I'll be happy to walk.

[ narrating ] He didn't flinch and I didn't walk.

I took his money
and the phony vase,

and found myself casing
the Briarton joint.

Spiked fences, walls,

guards and dogs...

I didn't like none of it.

The front looked like it
would take a cannon

to get through.

The back looked like
the Great Wall of China.

It went on forever,

but it also looked
like my only shot.

I felt along
the top of the wall.

There were no alarms.

[ dogs barking ]

[ narrating ] I made the
dogs bark every chance I got

so that people in
the neighborhood

would get used to
hearing the noise.

They barked so often

even the guards stopped
paying attention.

By the third day,
I had the guard patrol

timed down to the second.

Then it was time
to make my move.

[ meows ]

Take it easy, Willy.

You okay, pal?
Huh?

You okay?

All right, slide your bones
back in there again.

Slide your bones
back in there, Willy.

Attaboy.
Attaboy.

[ barking ]

[ hisses ]

Okay, Willy boy.

You ready to do
your stuff, huh?

I wish I was half
as cool as you.

All right, man.
Do your stuff.

Not so fast,
you nut!

[ door slams ]

[ narrating ] I knew the
alarm would go off

as soon as I
opened the door.

If I could just
move fast enough,

I'd hit the room, switch
the vases, and split,

and everything
would stay cool.

[ alarm ringing ]

Do you play
gin rummy?

What's the matter, Boy?
You deaf?

I asked you
if you play gin.

Come alive, boy.

There's a man up here
talking at you.

Uh, gin?

Yeah, gin, boy, gin.

Yeah, gins fine.

Oh.

Huh-uh.
That's Louis XIV,

so park your butt
in it with due respect.

Come on, boy.
Pour yourself a drink.

It's the best bourbon
money can buy.

No.

Woman: Mr. Briarton,
are you all right?

Well, the burglar alarm
is ringing.

Of course it is.
This young man tripped it.

Turn the darn thing off.

Let's get down
to playing cards.

But I've already
called the police.

Well, you just pick up that
phone and call them back.

-[ gasps ]
-[ coughing ]

Deal!

[ narrating ] So I dealt.

It seemed like a good idea
at the time,

seeing as how
he was the only guy

in the whole joint
on my side.

My game plan
was to find out

what the hell happened
to the vase,

and everything
else in the room.

Kind of barren in here,
ain't it, old man?

Yeah, I had to give
it all away.

Donate it.

You work all your life
for something,

and the government makes
you give it all away,

because of the damn taxes.

After your money,
are they?

Do roosters try to get
into the henhouse, huh?

Gin.

[ narrating ]
He was a great old guy.

The only question he asked
was why I picked up an eight

when there was three
eights down already.

By sun up,
I had lost $12,

and had found out
where the vase was...

in the Kinsey-Randolph museum.

It might just as well
have been in Fort Knox.

But I didn't have time
to get depressed,

because that's when you
entered the picture, Keyes.

Good morning,
Mr. Briarton.

What are you
doing here, Keyes?

I don't want
no more insurance.

I was notified
by the police

the alarm system went
off in here last night.

Huh.

What are you
doing here, Dancer?

Gin.

Son, you'd better start keeping
track of the discards.

I keep track
of the cards, Pop,

but sometimes the cards
just don't run your way.

I always say it's better
to be lucky than smart.

When you're neither
smart nor lucky,

you shouldn't be
in the game, Dancer.

Thanks.

I'll try
to remember that.

What do I owe you, Pop?

Here.

It's been fun.

I've a hunch you'll
do better next time.

I wouldn't bet
my life on it.

Well, that would be placing
a small bet, wouldn't I?

[ chuckles turn to coughing ]

You take care
of yourself.

I don't know what
you're doing here,

but you're on
my turf again.

And you're gonna
get burned... again.

Keyes, the last time
you had all the best of it.

My client hired me
when the race was over.

I was coming out
of the starting gate

and you and
your insurance company

were crossing
the finish line.

This time,
watch yourself.

[ phone rings ]

Damn.

What are you doing
up so early?

Charlie, I want you
to rent me a kid.

What? What did you just say?

Yeah, you got a niece.

I wanna borrow her for
a couple of hours.

My niece!

Charlie, this is
strictly legit.

Joe, I'd sooner let my
niece play on the freeways

-than turn her over to you.
-I don't wanna raise the kid.

I just wanna use her
for a couple of hours.

Woman: Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen.

My name is
Jennifer Atkins,

and I will be your guide
for the 10:30 tour.

If you will just follow me,
the tour will begin immediately.

Next we'll see
the Briarton room.

Follow me, please.
Excuse me.

Uh-huh.

The museum has just
completed the setting

for this gem
of a collection.

The Briarton collection
is priceless.

Among its other treasures,

it contains one of the rarest
art objects in the world:

the Medici vase,

one of three
Toreumata Vitri carvings

that is still intact.

Is it any small wonder

the curators seal this
room off every evening

with a two-inch-thick
steel door?

Steel door?
Big deal.

My brother says this
place is a tin can.

Anyone can get in here
with a penknife.

[ chuckles ]

I'm sure your brother
must be joking around

with you, young lady.

Don't tell me what my
brother was doing.

Well, they must have
all kinds of alarms

and things in a place
like this, huh?

Oh, yeah.

My brother don't care, mister.

If he said it,
you better believe it.

Well, the gentleman's right.

Aside from the fact the only
way to get into this room

is the steel door that slides
down and seals the room shut,

there are some computer
controlled alarm circuits

on every window and door
throughout the museum.

Not to mention
alarms in the hallways

and display rooms
themselves.

All of course linked directly
to the local police station.

[ both chuckle ]

Tell me straight, mister.

Wait until I see my brother.

-[ both laugh ]
-Yeah.

Mr. Briarton was
fortunate enough

to have acquired
these paintings,

and now we're fortunate
enough to view them.

You don't seem very interested
in these paintings, sir.

Is there any particular
sort of art you care for?

I'm a little more
interested in form.

Any form in particular?

Yeah, curves.

I like...
you might say,

sculptured art.

Not here in the
museum I'm afraid.

There is a private collection
you might enjoy seeing.

Why don't I give you
my phone number

after the tour
so we can arrange...

a personal viewing?

[ stammering ]

I'm sure
we'll both be

greatly enriched.

[ chuckles ]

The Briarton room was donated
by the Briarton family.

From here, we will go on
to the Adolph Kinsey room,

which has
the most definitive

Italian Renaissance
collection in the world.

Everything seems to be fine,
but I agree with you.

Perhaps we should delve
more deeply into the...

Well...

It's amazing what I'm
learning about you:

Your love of cards, your
appreciation of the fine arts.

Yeah.

[ carnival music playing ]

[ hand organ playing ]

[ narrating ]
For the last eight years,

Jimmy Papadopoulos
and his monkey had been

working all over town
with the organ,

scrambling after
nickels and dimes,

and not being
what he used to be.

What Jimmy used to be
was the best man-monkey

sneak-thief combo
on the West Coast.

Sucker, Gregor.
Sucker.

Then Jimmy fell in
with the wrong people.

They almost
did him in,

but he lucked out and wound
up working the carnies.

[ whispers ] Sucker, Gregor.
Sucker.

-Gotcha.
-[ squeals ]

Joe Dancer.

[ laughs ]

So that's
the deal, Jimmy.

You and the monkey
get 15 gs up front,

and 15 gs when
the caper's over.

$30,000...

That's a lot
of organ grinding.

That's a lot
of anything.

It's a strange thing
for you to be doing, Joe.

I don't understand this.

You don't have to understand it.
Are you in?

Boy...

Do you know
how many miles

me and this little guy
must have walked,

grinding that lousy organ?

A million.

You never knew what
it was like, did you?

Me and Gregor.

We stayed in the best hotels.

We did really good work.

-Jimmy?
-I know, Joe.

I'm wandering a little.

Yeah, we're in.

[ laughs ]
Okay, I'll be in touch,

first thing in the morning.

[ narrating ]
I hadn't seen Stump Harris

in a bunch of years.

And yes, I knew
where to find him.

In the old days
when I worked with him,

he was the best systems
and explosives man

the feds had.

I don't know
what shot him down.

All I know is one day
he walked away from the world

and wound up feeding fish.

Hi, old man.

Hi, kid.

Joe's got something going.

Something good.

He wants to talk
to you about it.

Start talking.

It's good to see
you again, Stump.

How have you been?

I'm still here.
And you?

Six' two" and even.

I thought you wanted
to tell me something.

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

How about if
I show you, Stump?

-He looks grumpy.
-He don't look happy.

We'll talk him into it.

What happened to him, Jimmy?
What happened to his hand?

-How come he quit living?
-He never told you?

He never told me.

Well, I guess he never
told anybody.

Yeah, back to business.

What do you think, Stump?

It's a tough one.

It kind of looks
impregnable, don't it?

Like Hitler's bunker.

Well, how does Gregor fit in?

Just cool it a sec, Jimmy.

So we got problems, huh, Stump?

-You got problems.
-Yeah.

There's no way?

Let's do it.

[ laughing ]

[ narrating ] The rest of
the day was all business.

Tiny Beldon was a guy
who worked

in the city building
authority,

where the plans for every
city building are kept,

including the
Kinsey-Randolph museum.

Tiny wasn't a friend of mine,
but I had the goods on him.

He liked his girlfriends.

I knew, but his wife didn't.

-Wait a minute, Joe.
-What's the matter?

This ain't going
to be so easy.

What?

Fracture circuits
on all the windows,

laser beams
in all the halls,

heat sensors throughout

and in the Briarton room,
weight sensors.

What the hell
is a weight sensor?

A fly can set off
a weight sensor.

-Where are they?
-In the floor.

How the hell
do we beat them?

Tiny:
Oh, Miss Jameson.

Oh, Miss Jameson.

[ moaning ]

Stump: What, with the pressure
sensors in the floor,

you'll have the bells ringing
from here to...

Well, I don't know where.

Jimmy: Stump, I don't know
what you're squawking about.

The monkey doesn't
need to touch anything.

We can fly him.

There is no problem
flying the monkey in.

The problem is getting
the monkey by that door

into that room.

Well, wait, wait wait wait.
That's not a problem, Stump.

All we gotta do is cut
the alarms on the door,

and it raises
right up.

Thank you.

Will you come here and
let me show you something?

-Yeah.
-That's the room, right?

-Yeah.

-That's the Briarton room,
right?

-Yes.

-All right, all the circuits
go to that door, right?

-I know that.

-What you don't know is
that all those circuits

are under three-and-a-half feet
of concrete in the floor.

You cannot beat that.

-Oh.
-Jimmy: Hey, wait a minute.

I found an air shaft
on the outside of the building.

It's just big enough
for Gregor. Look look.

It leads right
straight down inside

to the room
with the vase.

I think you got something.

Hey, Gregor, will you tell
Jimmy it's one floor,

two floors,
three floors up,

flat surface,
reinforced steel?

Even if we had double-strength
acetylene torches,

we're going to be hanging out
there for a half an hour,

with everybody to see us.

Wait a minute, Stump.

You're right, we can't
hang outside the building.

Maybe we could
use the air shaft.

Where's the specs on it?

Here it is.
Hey, Stump?

It's mounted with a key lock

three and a half feet
back in the shaft.

Now we can't get our arm in
through that grid, you're right.

We can't go in
through it, Stump,

but we could
come out of it.

We could get out that way.
We can't get in.

-Yeah.
-I tell you how we go in.

-We go in the front.
-Dancer: Okay.

-Blow the door.
- Okay.

Get the whole
French foreign legion

with AK-47s to get us
the hell out of there.

No, we can't do that.

But you're right,

we can go in through
the front door

and we come out
through the air shaft.

I thought you said
we're going in through the vent.

You can't get in.

You're right, we can't.

I said we can't go in
through the air shaft,

we're going out.
Just wait a minute, Stump.

I've got something going.
Just let me think for a minute.

You think too, Gregor.

Got any ideas,
speak right up.

[ narrating ] I needed
a couple of guys

who could stand up to a
hell of a lot of pressure.

I knew Benny and Vito
in Vietnam.

The Vietcong had a game
they used to play

called "Tie the soldier
to the stake."

If you slumped or fell,
the best thing that could
happen

was you died quick.

When I walked
into that prison camp,

Benny and Vito
were the only two guys

still left standing.

Dancer:
I need two stand-Up guys.

Guys that won't crack,
guys that I can trust,

because my bananas are
going to be on the line.

Does it pay more
than rubbing cars?

This caper pays
you 20 gs apiece.

20 grand?

Joe, come on.
It ain't been a good day.

I'm for real.

But if you take the gig,

I'm going to be hanging
from a string.

You guys are going
to be on the other end,

and if anybody lets go,

it's going
to be a long fall.

What the hell kind of a job
are you talking about?

I don't care what kind
of job it is, I'm in.

Bolt cutter.

Batteries.

[ screeches ]

-Hey, Jimmy?
-Yeah?

Come on over here, will you?

I want you to put this
over there on my table.

Hey, go easy with that.
That's c4 plastique.

-These are explosives?
-Yeah yeah, that's...

[ stammering ]

Hey hey hey! Whoa!

[ gasps ]

-You wanna try the monkey?
-You wanna try this?

I'll handle him.

[ narrating ]
Some problems I had
anticipated,

others I hadn't.

Stump's job was to beat
all the other systems.

Me and Jimmy and the monkey
were supposed to concentrate

on the weight sensors
in the Briarton room

where the vase was.

Like Stumps said...

If a fly landed on that floor, the alarm would go off.

Come on, Gregor.

Get the block, Gregor.

Jimmy: Oh, don't worry, Joe.
Don't worry. He'll get it.

This ain't gonna work, Jimmy.

-Come on. Yes it is, Joe.
-It ain't gonna work.

Yes it is, Joe.
Don't worry, it'll work.

Jimmy, that monkey
is a dunce.

[ chuckles ]

There it goes again.
Okay, come on, boy.

But, Jimmy, the other
one keeps falling.

Okay, well, let's take that one.

-Yeah.
-Let's switch.

Okay, here we go. Yeah.

Dancer: We're all going to jail.

I wonder if they got
a jail for monkeys.

Okay, good boy.
Good boy, Gregor.

Here, we're gonna go again.
Give you a treat.

There you go. There you go.
Come on.

Come on, come on.
Here we go.

Now, Gregor.
That's it.

That's it, Gregor.
Come along.

Come along.
Oh, good boy.

Good, that's it.
That's it, Gregor.

Hold tight, Gregor.
Hold tight.

Hold tight, boy.
That's it.

-I got them.
-You got what?

Dentists' lead x-Ray aprons.

I can see that.
What the hell are they for?

For the heat sensors.

-This thing weighs a ton.
-Yeah.

The trick is not to
give off any body heat.

-This thing...
-It's gotta be over your hands.

Your hands
give off body heat.

This thing
weighs a ton.

Well, come on.
Stand up.

Give it a try.
You can get used to it.

[ grunts ]

This thing weighs a ton.

[ chuckles ]
See, here you go.

Here you go.

Here you go.
Here you go.

Good boy. No no.

That's enough.
That's enough.

Jimmy, you might
be getting close.

Right right.

Okay, let's go back.

Okay, let's go back.

Come on, Gregor.

That's it.
That's it. Come on.

Come on.
Oh, good boy. Good boy.

Oh, good boy.
Good boy.

-Hey, good boy.
-[ block clatters ]

Here you go.

There you go.
That's it. That's it.

That's it. Okay, we'll
get him to exchange now.

-Okay okay?
-Oh, okay.

Now you're
gonna take it.

Gregor, look. This is here.
Pick this one up.

Why is he stopping?

It's okay. Take the block.
Take the block.

Gregor, Gregor,
now pay attention.

Gregor.
Relax, Joe.

He's just getting tired.
He's gonna be fine.

Pay attention...
Gregor, pay attention.

Now take the block.

Okay, okay, come on,
we'll start again.

Hey Joe,
I'll take that.

You take this.

Right there.

Okay, kid. That's enough.
Here, take that.

You're supposed
to put this one down.

[ chuckles ]

Here.

Jimmy: Joe, give him his reward.

That works.

All right, don't worry.
I can make it.

Dancer:
Are you sure?

If you can't,
we can rig something.

I said I can make it.

[ groaning ]

That's it.

That's the last car
for 15 minutes.

Let's cut that
alarm wire, Stump.

Let's go.

[ grunts ]

All right.

Dancer: How do you know which
alarm wire goes to the door?

I don't.

Oh.

The guards are on the
other side of the museum

for the next 10 minutes.

How's it going with
the camera wires?

It's going.

[ narrating ] Stumps' gag
was to cut the camera wire

in the hall where we were going to walk so it would show

a blank picture
on the monitor screen.

Then he would feed another
wire from another camera

to that blank screen.

If the gag worked,

both screens would show
the same empty hall.

You got it.

All right,
you two guys,

keep it loose now.

Give it to me one more time.

Wait for the bang,
count to 10.

-And be careful.
-You too.

Good luck.

-Jimmy?
-Clear!

[ narrating ]
We were all praying Stump

got the right wires,
and that the camera was dead.

If it wasn't, we were.

Hey, that's enough.

Wait a minute.

This is it, Stump.
That's the lasers.

Get it all put together.

Try another, Jimmy.
Keep it low.

-There it is.
-I can see it. I can see it.

Keep it low, so I know
what I'm doing. Go easy.

-Okay.
-Go easy.

Push her, push her, push her.

Hold it. Hold it right there.
Hold it.

Jimmy, give me some
on this side.

Way over here.
Way over here.

Okay, okay.

We broke it.

Perfect.

Here I go.

-Don't touch that thing, Jimmy.
-Right, right.

Okay, okay.

There you go.
There you go.

Easy.
Easy with the bags.

Take it easy.

Here it comes.

We're here.

That's the foyer
to the Briarton room.

Heat sensors.

Where's the explosive
for the camera?

Right here.

-Right.
-Let's put the coats on.

Yeah, okay.

-Jimmy, listen.
-Yeah?

I want you to take all
of the stuff out of our bags

that we don't need.

Okay, go to it.

[ grunting ]

-Jimmy.
-Yeah?

Now... Jimmy...

hang on.

This thing weighs a ton.

Okay.
Oh, where's your hand?

-Here.
-Now remember...

When we blow the door,
you take out that camera.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Let's go for it.

Yeah.

What the hell?

[ alarm ringing ]

The Briarton room,
on the double.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

Okay, hold it.

Wait for the bangs.
Wait for the bangs.

Three, four,
five.

Seven, eight,
nine, let's go.

Check the room.

Come one, come on, come on!

-I'm coming!
-Yeah!

Freeze!

Up against the car.

Spread 'em.

Security guard: So when I saw
the two guys on the monitor,

that's when
I hit the alarm.

You mean to tell me
that they made it

all the way through the
museum to the Briarton room

without being seen
or tripping an alarm?

Afraid so.
I couldn't figure it out.

I mean, I keep a pretty sharp
eye on those monitors.

I'm sure you do.

Amazing.

They used those
to beat the heat sensors.

No kidding.

Well, Keyes, you got lucky.

It looks like they used a
little too much fourth of July.

Near as we can tell,
none of the artwork

was badly damaged
by the blast.

Of course, the experts will be
here in the morning to check.

That blast didn't
do this, did it?

No, they used a separate
charge on the camera.

Hey, Keyes, we got a
couple guys outside.

You wanna take a look at them?
See if you recognize them?

You better believe it.

Excuse me.
Right in there, Keyes.

Well well well,
Mr. Dancer...

These two?
That's it?

That's it.

There must be somebody else.

There has got to have been
somebody else involved.

So fortunately
for both of us,

nothing was taken
or seriously damaged.

Were there any substitutions?

Oh, a duplicate. That's the
first thing that we thought of.

But I can assure you all
our originals are just that.

They are original.

Are you sure?

Well, I wanna have
a look at the collection.

Mr. Keyes, I've gone over
every inch of this exhibit.

However, I suppose
that's your job, isn't it?

How long is this
going to take?

Estimate two days.

The work should be completed
by tomorrow evening.

[ narrating ] So that
was the plan, Keyes...

To blast open the wall
so we could crawl inside,

and wait for things
to go back to normal.

It was gonna be
a long wait.

Where's the monkey?

-Jimmy!
-Yeah?

Get the monkey.

Shh, call him.

Gregor.
Gregor, come back.

Come back.

Come on, come on.

Jimmy, he's gonna put
us all in the slammer.

Banana, Gregor. Banana.

Oh my goodness.

Well, he is a thief.

Hope the guy out there
don't need this screwdriver.

Now take care of him, will you?

Come here, come on.

[ narrating ] Our game plan was
to sleep our way through the day

and do our work at night,
but I couldn't sleep.

You were out there, Keyes.

I knew you were trying
to break Benny and Vito.

If they could just hold up,
they could pull

their year in the joint,
get their money,

and get out clean.

But if they broke,
we'd all fry.

So you've cooperated
with the police.

You have signed
the confession.

You have waived your rights.

Maybe the police believe you,
but I don't,

because you haven't told me
how Joe Dancer is involved.

-I don't know any Joe Dancer.
-No?

I've been following Joe Dancer
for the last two weeks.

I saw him at
the Briarton mansion

and at
the Kinsey-Randolph museum.

Look, I don't know anybody
by that name.

We did the job.
We got caught.

What more do you want?

A liquor store, yeah.
A gas station, yeah.

But the Kinsey-Randolph museum?

What do you know about art?

Who was Grant Wood?

What century did
Claude Monet live in?

-Stump: Hey, Joe.
-Huh?

Stump: It's time to
hit that thermostat.

Right.
Jimmy!

-Yeah?
-Drill.

Here, take this light.
Give me the drill.

-Put the light up there...
-I know.

So it shines down here.

I loosened all
the screws up,

so just lift that
plate off of there.

Don't nick
one of these wires,

because if you do,

you're going to cause a short
and change the impedance.

That thing's gonna shut off,

and the guards will
be here in five minutes.

-Thank you very much.
-Who taught you that?

What, are you keeping score?

[ narrating ] Jimmy and Stump
were getting some sleep

while I was babysitting
the monkey.

I was hoping the air-Shaft
escape gag would work.

If it didn't,
we were going to be

hermetically sealed
for eternity,

and they'd find us the way
they found the mummies.

Shh.

[ squealing ]

Shh shh shh shh.

The next night

we were gonna
go for the vase.

The caper had taken on a
life of its own, Keyes.

Beyond the guards,
beyond the alarms,

beyond the museum, more than
anything else in the world,

I wanted to beat you.

And I started wishing
for a million things,

but most of all, I was wishing you'd have a stroke.

Morning came.

Everybody was getting
a little edgy.

Joe, let me by, please?

Yeah, give me
a minute.

-Joe, let me by.
-Give me a minute, will you?

I'm almost through.

Joe, I gotta go.

I have to go
to the bathroom bad.

Oh, okay.

Wait a minute.
wait a minute.

-Okay.

-Watch your head.
-Okay.

[narrating ] I was trying
to sleep my way

through the day, Keyes, but I kept thinking about you.

Vito!

Are you the one
with the electronics degree

or is that Benny?

Let's review your list
of accomplishments.

You cross-circuited a
closed-circuit television camera

so that the guard
didn't even notice.

You designed and built
a complicated prism reflector

to bypass a light beam.

Are you the one
who designed it?

Or is that your buddy?

And the coats...

The wonderful coats.

Which one of you geniuses
figured out that the only way

to get past the heat sensors
was to cover yourself with lead?

You know Joe dancer,
don't you?

No, no.

Sure you do.

You can't do this.

I can do anything I wish.

Now tell me
about Dancer.

It's showtime.
Now remember...

We get out of here tonight.
We split up.

Tomorrow morning
we meet 10:00 in a park.

-Right.
-Let's get what we came for.

Put it out.

He's there.
He's right outside again.

Jimmy: I think he's crazy.

And if he's crazy, he can keep
this up forever, but I can't.

Joe, maybe we ought
to pack it up and blow.

No, Jimmy.
Not yet.

Then when? I can't take
too much more of this.

Okay, I'll make
a deal with you.

Tonight and tomorrow night,

if we don't score,

we leave without the goods

and you can
keep the money.

Nobody beats me, Dancer.

Nobody.

Well, the repairs
have been completed,

and fortunately none of
the pieces were damaged,

so we're very happy
to announce

the re-opening of the
Briarton collection.

Now, Miss Gordon,
they are all yours.

This way, please.

The Briarton collection
was donated

by the Briarton family.

[ narrating ] I stood
there watching the people

wander through the room.

I was waiting to see you.

After a while
when you didn't show,

I knew you weren't going to.

You were somewhere out there
on the streets, Keyes.

Looking for me.

I could feel it.

I knew.

You were out there
looking for me.

All right, it's showtime.

Now remember, we get
out of here tonight.

Tomorrow morning, we meet
at 10:00 in the park.

Let's get what we came for.

Hey, Joey, thanks.

For what?

For making me
and Jimmy breathe again.

Let's just hope we hit
a homerun, partner.

Which end goes out first?

That's it.
Right there.

You got it.

Oh man, this
thing weighs a ton.

Yeah.

[ Dancer grunts ]

Bring the mirror
down a little.

No no, bring the front
of the gizmo up a little.

I can't see a damn thing.

You don't have to see.
I'm driving.

-You mind? I'll tell you.
-Okay okay okay, go.

-Up a little more.
-Up?

-Up a little more.
-Okay.

All right.

You ain't going to
take a picture of nobody.

-We in?
-Yeah, that's it.

-Get it in.
-Yeah, get...

-Is it down yet?
-Yeah.

-Okay, let me have it.
-Go.

[ grunts ]

Okay, next trick.

Hold it steady.

We got it.

That's beautiful.

-I got it.
-You got it?

Okay, Jimmy,
get the monkey ready.

Couldn't it wait until morning?

No, it can't wait.
Tell me where Joe Dancer is.

We don't know.

Your Marine Corps records
came in

from Washington
earlier this evening.

You were in
'Nam with Dancer.

Don't mess with me.
You're lying.

Dancer hired you.
He trained you.

Nobody hired us.

Vase.

Easy, Gregor.
Easy.

Thattaboy.
Attaboy, Gregor. Attaboy.

Do what I told you, now.

[ screeches ]

Oh, hang on,
Gregor.

Come on, that's it. Keep going.

Easy, Gregor.
Easy.

Careful.
Put it down.

Now, Gregor.
Listen listen. Gregor.

Dancer: Come on, monkey.
Get the other vase!

Gregor, Gregor, listen.

Change the vases.
Change the vases.

Tell him to pick
the other vase up.

Gregor, Gregor, now listen.
Gregor.

Why is he scratching his tail?
Why don't he get the vase?

What the hell
is he waiting for?

Gregor!

Bring it here.
Come on, come on.

I'll kill that monkey.
I'm gonna kill him.

[ Dancer groans ]

-Gregor.
-What's he waiting for?

Tell him to move.

-Good boy, good boy.
-Bring it here, monkey.

Thattaboy.
Bring it here.

Jimmy: Come on, Gregor.
Hop on the case.

That's it.
That's it.

Gregor, on the rope.
Back on the rope, Gregor.

Gregor.

Dancer: I told you that
monkey was a dunce.

Jimmy: On the rope, Gregor.
Get back on.

-What's he waiting for?
-Gregor!

Dancer: He's gonna put
us all in the slammer.

- Come on, monkey.
-Gregor, Gregor, listen.

-Listen, sit!
-Why is he standing there?

Come on monkey, please.

- Tell him to bring the vase.
-Gregor! Gregor!

Don't drop it!

Gregor!

-Get in here.
-Come on, boy.

Attaboy.

[ squeals ]

-Good boy.
-Thattaboy.

Thattaboy.
Right here.

Good boy, Gregor.
Good boy.

Good boy.

-Three million bucks.
-Yeah.

It looks just like the
other one, don't it?

You don't appreciate art.

-Let's get the hell out of here.
-Right.

The camera.

Why did you blow
the camera?

Why didn't you just trick it
like you did the other camera?

-Uh-Oh.
-What's the matter?

The vase ain't
in the right place.

-So what?
- What do you mean "So what?"

One of the guards comes around,
sees that, the jig's up.

We'll all be in the slammer.
You gotta send him back.

Wait a minute.

You blew the door,

and then you blew
the camera...

Which means...

you wanted to be seen.

[ chuckles ]

You wanted to be seen.

Dancer knew you would
be seen, didn't he?

[ laughs ]

He knew the alarm would go off.

You two were supposed
to be caught.

And Joe Dancer is
still in there, huh?

[ chuckles ]

Come on, let's go.

All right, Gregor.
All right, Gregor.

Go boy, go boy.
That's a boy.

Good boy.

Now, Gregor.
Gregor, push the vase.

Push the vase over.
That's a boy. That's a boy.

No, Jimmy,
he's pushing it further

- Over the other way.
-Gregor!

Just calm down.
just calm him down.

Gregor, easy boy, easy.

Just let him sit there
for a minute.

Gregor, listen. Listen listen
listen, Gregor, Gregor, listen.

- That's a boy.
-Let it go.

-Bring him back.
-All right, okay.

Gregor, come back, come back.
That's a boy.

Come, Gregor, come along.
Come along.

That's it.
That's it.

-That's a good boy.
-That a boy.

-Come here.
-Come on, Gregor.

-Gregor, Gregor, come on.
-Come here, come here.

-Come on, boy.
-I'll get him.

Come on, boy.
Come on, Gregor.

-Gregor!
-[ shrieks ]

Gregor, Gregor. Stop
that and get in here.

Can't they go any faster?

Hit the siren.

Okay, hit the reds.

Okay, Stump, you got the ball.
Blast it.

How do I look?

When I blast it,

that arrow should fall
clear of the pedestal.

And that line will hang
it on the bannister.

It won't touch the floor.

Should?

Okay.

-See?
-Yeah.

Hang on.
You got it?

Yeah, okay.

Go get it.

Don't hit the case now.

I'm not gonna
hit the case.

Well, it was shaking.

All right, you're there.

Hook it.

Once more.
Once more.

Have you got it?

Wait a minute. wait a minute.

All right, go easy.

All right.

Okay, let me
take up the slack.

Wait, it's all gotta
come together.

Wiggle it.

Wait a minute, Stump.
It's stuck.

I see it.
I see it.

It's loose, Stump.
You got it.

Be careful.

Here it comes.

Bring it back, Stump.

Oh, steady it!

Now wait a minute.
Easy.

That's it. That's it.
I can get it.

I got it.
I got it.

[ laughing ]

-Come on, come on. let's go.
-Let's go.

Let's jam.

Okay, Jimmy,
you're up.

Come here,
little guy.

Attaboy, Gregor.
Attaboy.

Don't just stand there.
Check everything.

Check that armor over there.

Check everything!

[ grunting ]

Dancer: Hang on, Jimmy. Hang on.

Attaboy.

Attaboy, Jimmy.

I'm okay.

Attaboy, Jimmy.

Pull that leg up, will you?

[ grunting ]

Stay right there.
Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

-Don't start climbing.
-Who's climbing?

Jeez.

Okay, put your feet on me.

[ muttering ]

Hold it a minute.
Hold it a minute.

Give me a breather.

Let's go.

-Move your foot over, Stump.
-Which one?

[ grunting ]

This is where it starts up.

You think you need the rope?

I don't need the rope.

Come on.
Here, you take him.

Dancer:
Stay with me, Stump.

You know, I'm getting a
little old for this.

-That's it.
-Mm-Hmm.

Gregor, Gregor, lock.

Remember...
Lock, lock.

Okay, that's it.

-Bags first.
-Okay.

-You got the rope?
-Yeah, right here.

Okay Jimmy,
let's dance.

-You ready?
-Yeah.

Now, Joe, don't forget
Gregor's leash. Take it off.

-I won't forget his leash.
-Okay, hold it.

Hang on to
the monkey, Stump.

-I got him. I got him.
-Okay.

[ screeches ]

Gregor, Gregor, Gregor.

Let me give you a hand, Jimmy.

-Okay.

Okay, Joe,
I got the rope.

What if I break something?

How the hell am I gonna pay
for this on my salary?

I'm the insurance company.
I'll pay for it.

[ grunts ]

Jimmy, stop moving so much,
will you? Keep it steady.

Get your feet
on the wall, Jimmy.

Get your feet
on the wall.

I'm trying, Joe.
I'm trying.

-You okay, Stump?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on, Stump.
Hang on.

Get your weight off of me
for a minute.

Hold the rope steady, Jimmy.

Yeah, yeah.

-Are we there yet?
-Not yet, Joe.

Here I come, Stump.
Watch out, Jimmy.

Okay.

Tell him to throw
the rope down.

All right, Gregor.
The rope.

Throw the rope.

Jimmy, tell him
to throw the rope down.

Gregor, the rope!
Throw the rope!

Come on, the rope.

Good boy, Gregor.
Good boy.

Attaboy. Now tell him
to close it and lock it.

Gregor, close it.

-Great.
-Now lock it.

Lock it, Gregor.

Tell him to get in
there and lock it!

No banana, Gregor.

No banana unless
you lock it.

Jimmy, where the hell
is the monkey?

-Lock it, Gregor. lock it.
-Lock it.

Come on, will you?
Call the monkey out.

Jimmy: See, Joe?
What did I tell you?

[ laughs ]

-Okay, call him down.
-Okay.

Now Gregor, jump.

Jump, Gregor. Jump.

Jimmy, why ain't
the monkey jumping?

He's scared of heights.

He's scared of heights? Now you
tell me he's scared of heights?

Get him down here
before I kill him.

Monkey, get down here!

I don't like you
in the first place.

Not so loud, Joe.
You'll scare him to death.

Well, that's good.

At least if he
croaks, he'll fall down

and we can get the
hell out of here.

Hey, Jimmy, is the monkey
coming down?

-Joe, give me your wallet.
-What?

You want him to come
down, don't you?

-Yeah.
-Then give me your wallet.

What, are you nuts
or something?

Get the monkey
down here, will you?

Turn around.

I stole a
$300 million vase...

Bend over. Bend over.

And I'm sitting here
with my fanny...

Pretend Gregor can't see you.

Sucker, Gregor.
Sucker.

Sucker, Gregor.
Sucker.

That's me, the sucker.

Millions of guards all
over the place,

and I'm playing
hide-And-Go-Seek with a chimp.

Gregor, sucker.

Wiggle, Joe.
He can't see it.

Sucker, Gregor.
Sucker.

[ chuckles ]

I stole a jillion dollar vase,

and I'm wiggling
my rear end for the monkey.

Oh, brother.

Sucker, Gregor.
Sucker.

I told you he was
a natural-born thief.

All right, I got the goods.
You guys get the bags,

and I'll see you
tomorrow morning,

10:00 in the park, right?

-Right.

-Joey?
-Yeah, yeah?

Thanks again.

There's nothing here, Keyes.

Nothing that isn't
supposed to be.

Let's go.

Where are you?

[ narrating ] I
thought I'd sleep like a log

that night after the score,
but you know something?

I didn't sleep
a wink, Keyes.

So I bundled up the 30 gs
that I owed Jimmy and Stump,

and I went to the park
to wait for them.

They were supposed to show
at 10:00 to pick up their
dough,

but at noon
I was still waiting,

and worrying.

In my line of work,

you learn one thing early...

Don't get close to anybody,

and don't work with anybody

you make the mistake
of getting close to.

They weren't gonna show,

and all I could think
about was the bad things

that happened to them.

All I could see
was Jimmy and Stump

and the monkey hurt or dead.

I checked the morgue,

the hospital,
the police station...

Nothing.

I went over to Stump's.

The place was cleaned out.

It started me thinking.

Who was doing what to who?

Were they in trouble
or was I in trouble?

Sometimes you think
you know people, Keyes,

and you tell yourself

you know the good guys
from the bad guys.

But I was beginning to think

I didn't know nothing
about nothing.

-Hello, lady.
-What do you want, mister?

What do you want?

Jimmy, I want little Jimmy.
Where is he?

-I don't know.
-The little guy who lived here.

-Where is he?
-He's gone.

[ narrating ]
I got back to the beach

at just about sundown.

I had a garage down there
where I stashed the vase.

Nobody knew about it
except me, Stump and Jimmy.

I was afraid of what I would
find when I got there...

Or what
I wouldn't find.

Yeah, teabag?
This is the man.

I can't deliver.

[ narrating ] It was all
over and I had been had.

I sat in that garage all
night soaking up booze.

I can't tell you why,
but I had a feeling.

[ phone rings ]

When did you get the vase?

Hey, Joe, that's not
the way it was meant.

What are you gonna do
if I come after you?

You're not gonna
come after us.

Woman over P.A.: Trans world
airlines, flight one...

Dancer:
Just another job, huh?

It's the way
you laid it out.

Oh, we're sending back
that 30 grand

you already laid out for us.

Yeah, you can keep
the rest of it.

$28,600.

-Jimmy says...
-I heard Jimmy.

We spent the rest
of it on clothes.

This is the way
it ends, huh, Stump?

Hey now, Joe,

Jimmy and me,
we picked our life.

You picked yours.

We wound up with nothing.

Then you come along,
you gave us another shot

and we took it.

What did you expect us to do?

You better start thinking, Joe.

What's going to happen to you?

Because sure in the hell
when you're old,

you're gonna wind up
with nothing.

I sure hope someone
comes along like you,

and gives you
another shot.

[ hangs up ]

So that's my story.

Where are they?

No, Keyes.

That horse ain't running.

Does my story
change your ending?

I see.

Long as I keep
my mouth shut,

as long as you keep
your mouth shut...

That fake vase can
stay in the museum

until hell freezes over.

And my company doesn't have
to pay $3 million insurance.

By the way,
what about the Englishman?

Now that we have our other
business straightened out,

I would like to take another
minute or two of your time.

I figure I'm about
100 grand short.

That's a tidy sum.

Well, I thought that

seeing as how your company
is as large as it is,

and you're still
an important man in it,

you could throw a little
investigative work my way.

Who would have guessed that
when I saw you

for the first time there
at Mr. Briarton's estate

that we would become
so irrevocably linked.

Keyes, like the man
said in the movie,

"I think this is
the beginning

of a beautiful
friendship."

[ closing music playing ]