The Merry Jail (1917) - full transcript
A neglected wife disguises herself in order to lure her wastrel husband into a compromising position.
THE MERRY JAIL
A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS
by ERNST LUBITSCH and HANNS KR?LY
Directed by ERNST LUBITSCH
ACT I
Lady Alice von Reizenstein
at breakfast
"Is my husband up yet?"
"Sweetie!"
"Sweetie!"
"Where can he be?"
"Where have you been all night?"
"Are you talking to me?"
"Well, what's the matter?"
"Warrant of Arrest
from the Municipal Court.
Due to scandalous behavior
on the evening of the 24th to the 25th,
you are sentenced
to one day in jail
and must report there
tonight at 8 o'clock."
"I will call the police."
"I'm feeling so badly."
"There are mice in the study."
"What a fine mouse."
"Warrant for Arrest
from the Municipal Court"
"I'm feeling s-o-o-o badly."
"Dear sister,
The famous Prince Zsbrschosky-
by the way, a charming gentleman,
and not without means -
is giving a large ball
to which we are invited.
Please come.
Get real pretty and act the same.
If someone wants to kiss you,
don't giggle. That's not chic.
Your sister, Marie"
"I'm already feeling a lot worse."
"Can you forgive me?"
"Never."
"How about a new hat?"
Von Reizenstein gets ready
to serve time.
"Expecting to see you at Zsbrschowsky's.
Crowd will be colossal.
Your friend Hugo."
"If you follow me any further,
I'll teach you a lesson."
"That's exactly what I want."
"Do you want to go to jail like that?"
"You never know. They might be
celebrating something there."
"Just make yourself at home."
The Warden
"You are under arrest."
"You will have to play my husband now,
or you will compromise me."
"As her husband,
I'm allowed to do that."
"And with me he is always so stingy."
"Expecting to see you at Zsbrschowsky's.
Crowd will be colossal.
Your friend Hugo."
"My wife has no idea.
That shows how stupid women are."
"Now the coast is clear."
END OF ACT I
THE MERRY JAIL
ACT II
Prince Zsbrschosky greets his guests
in the fashion of his country.
"That's the custom here."
"But with ladies that is not the custom."
"Then I'll take that kiss back."
"There is no smoking here."
"What a charming custom."
"Madame looks good enough to kiss."
"Thanks, same to you."
"This was my first bad move of the day."
"Please allow me to introduce myself."
"He seems to be a big shot."
"He probably is a con artist."
"How about a card game, gentlemen?"
"Countess Titti Tutti, Count Coke."
"Get lost!"
"Aren't you Mizi?"
"No, you're wrongly mistaken."
"Is it really Mizi?"
"Get lost!"
"He's got an ace of hearts
in his back pocket."
"I've got my heart in the right place."
"Bring me three more orders
of goose liver."
"Cheers, kiddo."
"Are you married?"
"Do I look that dumb?"
"You're fibbing!
Why didn't you bring your wife along?"
"He who loves his wife
leaves her at home."
"Full house."
"Now I'm in the money."
END OF ACT II
THE MERRY JAIL
ACT III
The next morning.
"Keep walking, please!"
"That's easy for you to say."
"Let me see
some identification, please."
"Warrant for Arrest"
"We are toasting every new customer."
"Quabbe is my name."
"Reizenstein."
"I want to be put on ice here.
It's my right."
"Your head needs to be put on ice."
"Warrant for Arrest"
"Hope to see you again soon."
"Prisoner Von Reizenstein
is to be released."
"It was nice here.
I enjoyed myself."
"Go ask Lady Von Reizenstein.
She'll confirm everything for you."
"Warden, I really like you."
"You are slowly but surely
getting on my nerves."
"That was not a nice person."
"Miss, don't go upstairs."
"Where is your wedding ring?"
"Every tear was in vain."
"If the ring slips off one's hand,
one hardly notices it."
"I expect a bit more politeness."
"What, another one?"
"I'd just like to bring
your wedding ring back."
"Now my wife can come."
"She's already here."
THE END
A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS
by ERNST LUBITSCH and HANNS KR?LY
Directed by ERNST LUBITSCH
ACT I
Lady Alice von Reizenstein
at breakfast
"Is my husband up yet?"
"Sweetie!"
"Sweetie!"
"Where can he be?"
"Where have you been all night?"
"Are you talking to me?"
"Well, what's the matter?"
"Warrant of Arrest
from the Municipal Court.
Due to scandalous behavior
on the evening of the 24th to the 25th,
you are sentenced
to one day in jail
and must report there
tonight at 8 o'clock."
"I will call the police."
"I'm feeling so badly."
"There are mice in the study."
"What a fine mouse."
"Warrant for Arrest
from the Municipal Court"
"I'm feeling s-o-o-o badly."
"Dear sister,
The famous Prince Zsbrschosky-
by the way, a charming gentleman,
and not without means -
is giving a large ball
to which we are invited.
Please come.
Get real pretty and act the same.
If someone wants to kiss you,
don't giggle. That's not chic.
Your sister, Marie"
"I'm already feeling a lot worse."
"Can you forgive me?"
"Never."
"How about a new hat?"
Von Reizenstein gets ready
to serve time.
"Expecting to see you at Zsbrschowsky's.
Crowd will be colossal.
Your friend Hugo."
"If you follow me any further,
I'll teach you a lesson."
"That's exactly what I want."
"Do you want to go to jail like that?"
"You never know. They might be
celebrating something there."
"Just make yourself at home."
The Warden
"You are under arrest."
"You will have to play my husband now,
or you will compromise me."
"As her husband,
I'm allowed to do that."
"And with me he is always so stingy."
"Expecting to see you at Zsbrschowsky's.
Crowd will be colossal.
Your friend Hugo."
"My wife has no idea.
That shows how stupid women are."
"Now the coast is clear."
END OF ACT I
THE MERRY JAIL
ACT II
Prince Zsbrschosky greets his guests
in the fashion of his country.
"That's the custom here."
"But with ladies that is not the custom."
"Then I'll take that kiss back."
"There is no smoking here."
"What a charming custom."
"Madame looks good enough to kiss."
"Thanks, same to you."
"This was my first bad move of the day."
"Please allow me to introduce myself."
"He seems to be a big shot."
"He probably is a con artist."
"How about a card game, gentlemen?"
"Countess Titti Tutti, Count Coke."
"Get lost!"
"Aren't you Mizi?"
"No, you're wrongly mistaken."
"Is it really Mizi?"
"Get lost!"
"He's got an ace of hearts
in his back pocket."
"I've got my heart in the right place."
"Bring me three more orders
of goose liver."
"Cheers, kiddo."
"Are you married?"
"Do I look that dumb?"
"You're fibbing!
Why didn't you bring your wife along?"
"He who loves his wife
leaves her at home."
"Full house."
"Now I'm in the money."
END OF ACT II
THE MERRY JAIL
ACT III
The next morning.
"Keep walking, please!"
"That's easy for you to say."
"Let me see
some identification, please."
"Warrant for Arrest"
"We are toasting every new customer."
"Quabbe is my name."
"Reizenstein."
"I want to be put on ice here.
It's my right."
"Your head needs to be put on ice."
"Warrant for Arrest"
"Hope to see you again soon."
"Prisoner Von Reizenstein
is to be released."
"It was nice here.
I enjoyed myself."
"Go ask Lady Von Reizenstein.
She'll confirm everything for you."
"Warden, I really like you."
"You are slowly but surely
getting on my nerves."
"That was not a nice person."
"Miss, don't go upstairs."
"Where is your wedding ring?"
"Every tear was in vain."
"If the ring slips off one's hand,
one hardly notices it."
"I expect a bit more politeness."
"What, another one?"
"I'd just like to bring
your wedding ring back."
"Now my wife can come."
"She's already here."
THE END