The Medicine Man (1930) - full transcript
The son and daughter of an abusive shopkeeper turn to a medicine show salesman for help.
Buddy, Buddy, Buddy.
Oh, I must have been dreaming.
Hurry up, before Pa comes.
He won't let us stop and
look at half this stuff.
Remember last time some of
the candy boxes were broken?
Gee, I hope they're
busted this time.
Of course, it's bad
for Pa's profits,
but you can't help liking candy.
Oh, Buddy, look.
I could make you the
nicest sweater out of this.
Sure, but let's find
a busted box of candy.
Gee, Buddy, I wish
we had a Victrola.
I just love music.
Sure, but I love candy better.
Gosh, I hope the box is broken.
Look, Buddy.
Look.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, I thought you
found something to eat.
I got it.
I got it.
Aw, it ain't busted.
I'm sorry.
It's busted now, all right.
Oh, you shouldn't.
Pa would be awful mad.
Aw, he's always mad.
Here he comes now.
Put it away, quick, and
pick up those records.
Watch where you're going.
Who was playing that phonograph?
I was.
Well, don't do it again.
You know better.
My customers don't
want used goods.
If I catch you
doing it again, I'll
give you both a good licking.
Why don't you watch your feet?
You slip all the time, huh?
My shoe, it's caught.
Sliding on the
again, huh?
No, he wasn't, Father.
He's worn those for over a year.
And besides--
, you go back to
your work and unpack that case.
You clean this mess up here.
I'm going out now.
And don't you waste
time while I'm gone,
or I'll lick you
when I get back.
Keep your hands off that horn.
The next time, I
will beat you good.
Sit down.
Good morning, Mr. Scholtz.
Good morning, I want
a sack of sugar, Mamie.
That's a nice dress, ain't it?
You keep your hands
off me, Peter Scholtz.
Oh, I didn't mean no harm.
I like you, Mamie.
That's all.
I don't want you to like me.
Is there anything
else besides sugar?
Uh, I was going to ask you
if I couldn't come to visit
you tonight for a while.
Well, you can't, tonight
or any other night.
What do you want?
Come on, Pa.
There's a parade coming.
Maybe, uh, later?
Hurry, Pa.
Maybe later I think of
something else I need, huh?
Get in there.
But, Dad, we want to
stay and see the parade.
Huh?
We want to see the parade.
I'll tell you all about
the parade when we get home.
Sit down.
I don't like that fellow.
I don't know anybody who
does, Gus, except my father.
Hey, Mamie, look it.
Come here, quick.
Gosh, I bet that's a
really.
Perhaps Dr. Harvey's Medicine
would help my gallstone.
You can't tell Harvey.
He's.
And now, my friends,
right here tonight
you will see
that has
ever visited your fair city.
The New York
representative critics
have proclaimed this show to
be the greatest aggregation
of merry-making mirth
provokers since Shakespeare
was barred from Avon.
You will see Martin and
Webb, those outstanding and
incomparable artists, direct
from a three-years tour of the
foremost vaudeville theaters.
I can say unquestionably and
without fear of contradiction
that this is the most
sensational act that has ever
been presented on any stage.
You will see those happy,
hilarious, hip-swinging
hula dancers, direct from the
shores of languorous Hawaii,
and that big Indian
Chief, Paw Paw,
and thrilling dances
of his forefathers,
and other attractions
too numerous to mention.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, there is absolutely
no admission into the camp.
Our sole aim is
to entertain you.
And remember, folks, the show
starts promptly at 8 o'clock,
so be there, 8 o'clock sharp,
and see this great show.
Remember, folks, it's
free, absolutely free.
Give me two in the
front row, please.
Two what?
I don't understand you.
I beg your pardon.
I took one look at you and
thought I was at the Folly.
Anyone ever tell
you you were pretty?
Uh, no, sir.
Well, there's a great opening
in this town for an optician.
I'll bet you tell
that to all the girls.
No, I don't.
I don't know all the girls.
Is there anything
I can sell you?
Yes, give me a box of candy.
How's this?
Well, haven't you
got a larger box?
Oh, yes, there's a larger
one, but it's more expensive.
Now, don't worry
about the expense.
This is for a very
dear friend of mine.
Will this do?
That's all right.
Have you got a little
card, you know,
the kind that you
put on a gift box?
Oh, yes.
Will you write
something for me?
My fingers are a little sore.
I've been sewing all day.
What shall I write?
To the sweetest little
girl I have ever met.
Is this for your sweetheart?
Yes.
There you are.
There you are.
Oh, for me?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I-- I shouldn't
really take this,
but it's awfully
sweet of you, Mister?
Dr. Harvey, Dr. John H. Harvey.
Thank you, Dr. Harvey.
Now, young lady,
as a physician,
I wish to make several
recommendations to you.
My advice for you, young
lady, plenty of night air
and long walks in the moonlight.
Oh, but I'd be afraid in
the moonlight all alone.
Ah, but the ethics
of my profession
provide that the physician
never leaves a patient's side
when his services are required.
Therefore, I'll meet you
tonight after the show
and give you your
first treatment,
and it'll be some treatment.
How do you know I'm
going to the show?
Your doctor has ordered it.
But my father wouldn't
let me if I asked him,
and he'd fly into
a terrible rage
if I went without asking him.
Oh, well, that's easy.
Ask him tomorrow morning
when we get back.
Will this pay for the candy?
Mm-hmm.
Come on, Pa.
Why don't you go
on with your work?
I'll teach you to
leave the store
and waste your
time when I'm gone.
Go on.
Well, did you ever try
kicking him in the face?
Is there something
that you want here?
Why, yes.
Well, why don't you get it?
I will, later on.
Yeah, you, go on.
Go back to your work, and
don't waste so much time.
And if you disobey me again,
I'll make you sorry for it.
Gee, Mamie, did you see
that big Indian chief?
Oh, he looks wonderful.
Look.
He bought this
and gave it to me.
Who, the Indian?
Of course not, Dr. Harvey.
Oh, boy.
Oh, hello, Doc, how are ya?
Hello, Doc.
Say, Doc, this town looks like
it ought to be great pickings.
Now, wait a minute, fellas,
none of that fast stuff here.
Remember the trouble
we had last time?
I had to spend half
of my profit getting
you out of the hoosegow.
Yeah, well, how
about the money that I
spent getting rid of that
sweet chambermaid of yours?
What about her?
Please,
mister, youse can tell me where
I can find the medicine show?
I then look for Dr. Harvey.
Medicine show is
straight down the street.
You can't miss it.
But I missed that
feller one, two, three,
five times before I come here.
Well, now, wait a minute.
What's the use of arguing?
All I want to know is this.
Did you finally get rid of her?
Yes, I got rid of her.
I certainly did, Doc.
She's gone for good.
Good, now remind me Saturday
night to give each of you
a punch in the nose.
Tennyson, why is
it you're always
taking credit for everything--
I don't want
credit for anything.
I just want to be--
-Listen.
Listen.
While you fellas decide
who gets the credit,
I'm going across the street
and have a cup of java.
You can't miss it.
Thank you.
Swedish lady.
Uh-huh.
I hope we hit a big
town pretty soon.
I'm getting sick and
tired of these birds.
I'm telling you that.
You know the last show--
Hello.
Hilda.
And up jumped the devil.
Well, what are you doing here?
I come
Dr. Harvey.
Oh, you did, eh?
Hilda, for Go-- you
don't mean to stand there
and tell me that
you didn't see Dr.
Harvey back in Mitchellville.
Well, I come here to see him.
Oh, this is terr--
this is awful.
Hilda, listen.
Dr. Harvey is waiting for
you back in Mitchellville.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, Hilda.
There's poor Dr.
Harvey waiting for you,
and here you've run out
and deserted him like this.
Hilda, I tell you what
you better.
You have gotta get
on the train and go
right back to Mitchellville.
Oh, isn't it terrible?
Now, there is Dr.
Harvey, all alone.
It's probably
breaking his heart.
Hilda, for good-- haven't
you got-- I mean, haven't you
any feelings at all?
But I got no money.
I just spent it
all to come here.
Ah, money.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Here, here's some money.
Get on the train and-- and
go back to Mitchellville.
But I got no money
for a hotel bill.
Oh, OK, here.
Hilda, here, there's
money for a hotel.
Now, go, Hilda.
I need change to
tip the porter.
Well, can't you break a bill?
Here, never mind.
Listen.
Here, there's a
quarter for the porter.
Go and tip-- look.
Look, here's an extra
dime for the bellboy.
Now, will you go?
Go on, will ya?
Thank you.
I shall hurry now
to catch the train.
-Yeah.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, and try and get hit
with an automobile, Hilda.
Oh, I forgot to give her a
penny to buy a drinking cup.
Yeah.
You know, I'm--
Well, I just got rid of that
sweet dame of yours again.
No, no.
Yeah, I noticed that.
No, he means I got
rid of that sweet dame.
I got--
-Hey, wait a minute now.
What do you mean,
you got rid of her?
Well, who did get rid of her?
What's the difference?
All right, fellas, all right,
thank both of you very much.
Why don't you settle
this with boxing gloves?
Well, did you got it?
Yeah, I've got it har.
Pa.
What?
Oh, uh, see how nice
we cleaned up the store?
Well?
Oh, Pa, would you let us
go to the medicine show?
No, we can't afford it.
But it doesn't cost anything.
It's free.
Oh, free, huh?
Oh, well, all
right, but remember.
Be back in one hour.
Here, here.
Wait.
And don't have nothing to do
with those no-good show people.
Here.
Mamie, Mamie.
Oh, Mamie.
Yes, Pa?
Who broke these records?
I did.
You take your clothes off
and go right straight to bed.
Do you hear me?
Mr. Goltz.
Eh?
If you let Buddy go to the
show, I'll pay for the record.
Where did you get money, huh?
Well, cash, I
ain't got, but you
could take it out of my pay.
You mind your own business.
Go on.
Listen, Buddy.
You can take off your shoes
and slip out the back way.
But be sure and be back from the
show before Pa comes upstairs.
Gee, you're a swell sister.
Hurry, now, and
don't let Pa hear you.
And now, folks, the
show is about to start,
the finest entertainment
you have ever
had the pleasure of witnessing.
There are a lot of
good seats inside,
but you'll have to hurry.
You can't see the show out here.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks.
If you want to hear
the minstrel man
sing, if you want to
see the girls dance,
you've got to go inside.
They can't dance out here.
It's cold, and besides,
the Sheriff is moody.
Now, hurry up.
Hurry up, folks.
Right inside.
Maybe we can get the chief,
Chief Paw Paw, to talk to us.
And you should see his mohawk.
What a gal, and last but not
least, folks, the fire eater.
Watch him eat fire.
And how, he he eats it,
and he's hungry, folks.
He hasn't had a thing to eat
in two days, not a thing.
Would you like to see our show?
Oh, yes, sir.
Well, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll take you in myself and see
that you get a nice front seat.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You're a pretty
little girl, too.
Are you here alone?
Oh, no, sir, my
father is here with me.
Oh, your father
is here with you?
Step right in, folks,
and see the show.
But, mister.
Now, you're going to
be-- please, please.
Now, you're going
to be late, folks.
But, mister, you
said you'd get me--
Now, go right in yourself.
You'll find plenty
of empty seats.
Walk right in.
Hello, Goltz.
Wie geht's, Peter?
Oh, I-- I butchered today,
so I brought you some nice,
fresh pigs' feet.
Do you know, uh, pigs' feet
are pretty scarce these days.
Uh, I could have
gotten $0.40 for them.
Say, uh, is Mamie around?
Uh, now I know why you're
here and why I get pigs' feet.
Well, now that I'm
here, I would like
to visit with her for a while.
So you're kind of
sweet on her, huh?
Oh, I like her, all right.
You know, it has
been awful lonesome
since the old lady died,
and then again my kids
ought to have a woman around.
So I was thinking.
Maybe you would like for me
and Mamie to get married, huh?
Well, Peter, I don't
know of anybody that would
make a better husband for her.
You're a good, steady fella,
and you've got a fine farm, huh?
But right now, I
can't spare her.
I need her here in the store.
Maybe after a
while, when Buddy is
big enough to do
all the work, I'd be
glad that you should marry her.
That Peter Scholtz
is downstairs.
You'd better get out quick.
He wants to visit with you.
You stay here.
I go see what Mamie is doing.
Yeah, what's the matter?
Why are you in bed, huh?
Peter Scholtz is downstairs
and wants to visit with you.
I've got a headache, Pa.
What from?
I don't know.
I guess I'm just tired.
Oh, you're always tired,
and I don't know why.
Here, you see that you're
not too tired when it's
time to get up in the morning.
All right, Pa.
Yeah.
Well, uh, where is Mamie?
She wasn't feeling good,
and she's gone to bed.
After I came all the
way in just to see her?
I am sorry I wasted
all this gasoline.
Gute Nacht, Peter.
, Peter.
You'll break your arm
with that full car.
Uh, I am Peter.
, huh?
Oh, Peter, there you are.
There you go.
Gute Nacht, Peter.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Hey, Mamie.
Hey, Mamie.
Mamie.
Hello, Buddy.
So Dr. Harvey's gave me a job.
If I sell $12 of
medicine, I'll get $0.60.
Look at the swell
shirt he gave me.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thanks, you come take my seat.
I gotta go to work.
Right here.
Thanks, Buddy.
Now, friends,
we're going to sing you a song,
a cute and sweet little ditty.
I wrote some
music in the country.
And I wrote
the words in the city.
Now, we have a cat
down at our house.
It's small as a
ball of yarn, and
when the little kittens were
born, they all had sweaters on.
I tried to get
my wife to ride a horse,
just to reduce her weight.
The horse lost 40 pounds,
and the wife gained 98.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, I-- my error, boys.
Pardon me.
Now, we could
stand here, hour by hour,
and sing this little song.
But the show has two more hours
to go, so we better run along.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I wish to address you folks
on a subject that is of
most vital interest to each
and every one of you.
And that subject, my
good friends, is health.
To those of you who have
suffered from ills and aches,
I come to you with the glad
tidings that there is hope.
Now, the science of
anatomy, friends,
is divided into two groups--
physiology and physic,
though perhaps many of you
have never taken physiology.
I hold before you tonight, John
H. Harvey's Pawnee Tonic and
Blood Purifier, at $1 a bottle.
What if I were to tell you
folks that men have been brought
into my presence with
both legs amputated,
and after one teaspoonful
of this liquid, skated home?
You'd say I was lying,
now, wouldn't you?
It can't be done.
Of course, it can't.
Mussolini couldn't do it.
But I don't claim this.
No matter what your
ailment, my friend,
no matter how long
you have suffered
or how hopeless the case may be,
Dr. Harvey's Pawnee
Tonic and Blood
Purifier, at $1 a bottle,
will restore you
to perfect health.
Now, the secret formula of
this world-renowned remedy
was handed down
from the forefathers
of Chief Homantash, the greatest
chief of all the Pawnee.
Thank you.
Now, friends, I have
a testimonial here,
one of the many I receive every
day from a grateful public.
"Dear Sir, if you do not pay
for your overcoat by the 10th
of this mon--" sorry, folks.
That's the wrong letter,
but I know I have it.
I must have it right
here in this pocket.
Here we are, right here.
"Dear Dr. Harvey, for weeks,
my husband has been
violently insane
and imagined he
was Louis the 16th.
After taking two
bottles of your tonic,
he has greatly
improved and now thinks
he is only Louis the 14th."
And now, my friends, the
price of this medicine
is the small and
insignificant sum of $1.
I do not claim, folks, that
it will cure dandruff, falling
arches, run-down heels,
or carburetor trouble, no,
but I do say this.
It is a positive remedy for the
stomach, kidney, liver, cuts,
burns, and bruises, pains in
the small of the back, lumbago,
rheumatism, ailments
of the eyes,
ears, nose, and throat
and all joints with it.
And now, friends, my
agents will pass among you.
Come on, boys.
You're up.
All right, boys.
Hair on your head and
corns on your bunions.
How do you do, Colonel?
How about a bottle?
Well, I don't think so.
Colonel?
Remember.
I do, indeedy.
This is double strength.
Well, what do you say?
I'll take one.
Here's another
gentleman who takes
another bottle,
another bottle sold.
$1, Colonel.
$1, well, there's a $20 bill.
$20 bill, all right,
$1 for the medicine,
$2, $3, $4, $5, $10, and $10,
or $20, I thank you, Colonel.
Now, folks, if there's
anybody else who
would like to buy a bottle--
Hey, come back here.
You made a mistake.
A mistake, Colonel?
There's only $15 there.
A mistake?
Well, a mistake, sure.
All right, Colonel, just
let me see your money.
You'll count it over again.
I wouldn't cheat
you for the world.
$1 for the medicine, $2,
$3, $4, and $2 is $6.
$8, $9, $10, $11, $12,
uh-- oh, how do you do?
Pardon me, who's the young lady?
Why, that's my daughter.
Your daughter?
A very pretty girl,
takes after the father.
How old is she, Colonel?
Well, she's 18 now.
18?
$18 and $2 are $20.
I thank you, Colonel.
Good day, my mistake.
It makes the old, young,
folks, and it makes the, uh--
How's the wife, Sheriff?
Oh, she's just fine, Ted.
I have one bottle left, folks.
Now that perfect health has
been put within the reach
of all, I am going to disclose
to every lady my audience
the priceless secret
of perpetual charm.
Folks, right here in my
hand I have the sesame
to everlasting youth
and beauty, Dr.
John H. Harvey's, Bridal Blush.
Now, I'm not going to
take up any of your time
making extravagant claims
for this preparation.
I merely wish the privilege of
proving to you that Dr. John H.
Harvey's Bridal
Blush can enhance
the beauty of the fairest
handiwork of Mother Nature.
Now, I'm going to ask some
young lady to come out on stage
so that I may offer a practical
demonstration of the miracles
wrought by Dr. John H.
Harvey's Bridal Blush.
Now, which young
lady will assist me?
I think I'll go.
Thank you, girls,
but this young lady
has kindly consented to come up
on the platform and assist me.
Now, honey, don't worry.
Don't worry at all.
You're among friends.
I think it's a fake.
So do I. Come on.
I'm nervous up
here on the stage.
There you are,
folks, the young lady
says that she got her beauty
from the self-same preparation,
procured from my main
office in Toledo.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, indeed, she says.
Nothing in the world compares
to Dr. Harvey's Bridal Blush.
Soap and water
is all I ever use.
Me, too, and look
at my complexion.
A little music, Chief.
I'll have you fixed
up in a minute.
How about going out in an
automobile ride tonight, Mamie?
Oh, I'd love to,
but I couldn't.
Why not?
Well, you see, I came over here
without my father's permission,
and I have to get back home.
Oh, that's too bad.
Now, watch me closely, folks.
Hattie, I feel it
is my duty to go
and tell Mr. Goltz what a
shameful spectacle his daughter
is making.
You're right, absolutely right.
Snuck out to see the show, eh?
No, to see you.
You wouldn't kid
me now, would you?
Do you like me, Mamie?
Oh, yes.
I think you're wonderful.
Do you hear that, folks?
The young lady
says that my beauty
system is absolutely wonderful.
How about tomorrow night?
Yes, I think I can.
It's a date, then,
eh, beautiful?
I don't know how you ever
had the courage to go up there.
Oh, well, I didn't
really want to go up on the--
Well, you-- you're OK.
You had a headache
and had to go to bed.
Now, go home, you
crazy Jezebel and take
that filth off your face.
Go on.
Go home.
Well, I only did
my duty as I saw it.
You certainly did.
Get out here.
Oh, oh, Papa, please, don't.
I'll teach you to lie.
I didn't do anything.
Please, I
didn't do anything.
I promise I didn't do anything.
You, go on upstairs.
You hear me?
And I'm going out and fix
those no-good show people.
Don't cry, Mamie.
Well, did he hurt
you much, Mamie?
Oh, I'll be all right.
Dr. Harvey's Medicine, folks.
Here, here.
I have done you a lot of favors.
Well, now, I'd like
to run 'em out of town,
but I gotta have a reason.
Well, uh, can't you
trump up something?
Madam, there's your change,
and there's your bottle.
Call again to find out--
I'm going over
to the restaurant
and get something to-- shh.
I'll watch 'em.
And if I get anything
on 'em, then I
won't run 'em out of town.
I'll put 'em in jail.
Good.
Hello, baby.
Hello.
Did the old buzzard
suspect anything?
You mean Pa?
Oh, no, I waited till
I heard him snoring.
Well, I hope he keeps it up.
Oh, it was nice of you to
send me the, uh, stockings.
Did you wear 'em?
Uh, oh, yes.
Not bad, not bad at all,
they're awfully nice.
Oh, and thank you very
much for the other thing.
I mean, the, uh, pretty.
Pretty?
That's not what I asked
for when I bought 'em.
Did you wear those, too?
Oh, I think we'd better
drive away from here.
Somebody might see us
and tell my father.
OK, honey, now which road
has the heaviest traffic?
Why, the main
street, of course.
Great, we'll take this one.
Now, gentlemen, the
hour is getting late.
We haven't got much
more time to stay here.
Now, I want you
to keep your mind
on the game and nothing else.
I'm gonna show you
how to win some money.
I'll show you how
the trick's done.
Now, first, I'll show to you.
Now, there's the ace.
Now, all you do is keep
your mind on the ace.
You understand that, don't you?
Now, here we are.
Now, just watch the little ace.
Now, then, which
is the ace, sir?
Take your time.
You might guess it.
You think that's it, do you?
And, really, you'd bet on
that, too, wouldn't you?
How much would you bet?
Oh, $25.
$25.
Well, now, let's
see if you'd win.
That isn't it, is it?
That isn't it, so
consequently that must be it.
Now, there you are.
Do you see how easy it is?
Now, had you had your money
up, you'd have one that time,
wouldn't you?
Now, I'm gonna show it
to this gentleman here.
Yeah, I'll show it
to you if you don't
mind, mister-- oh, pardon me.
What is your name?
Scruggs.
Mr. Scruggs.
And your name?
Perkins.
Perkins, shake hands with
Mr. Scruggs, Mr. Perkins.
Now, Mr. Suds, I'm
gonna show it to you.
There's the ace.
You all see it,
gentlemen, the little ace.
Now, then, which one do
you think it is, Mr. Spuds?
Scruggs.
Oh, Scruggs.
Well, we all make mistakes.
That's the reason we put,
uh, rubbers on lead pencils.
Now, take your time,
and, uh, which one is it?
He may guess it.
You did.
This one.
You think that's it?
And you would bet, of
course, being a sporting man.
Yes.
How
Much would you bet?
$50.
Is that so?
Well, now, let's
see if he'd win.
That isn't it.
That isn't it, so
that must be it.
Now, there you are, gentlemen.
You see, gentlemen?
I'm not cheating.
You can win, can't you?
Now, we'll try it once more.
But this time, gentlemen, if
you have any money to put down,
let's make it a good bet.
Now, remember, gentlemen, you've
got as much chance as I have.
Now, here we go, gentlemen.
Remember, watch the ace.
Shh, just a minute, gentlemen.
There's the Sheriff, I think.
He wanted to come in here and
play, and I wouldn't let him.
Just a minute.
Hey, shall we look at 'em?
Sure.
Yeah, go ahead.
Look, there it is.
That's the ace.
We'll bend this corner up.
OK.
Shh, gentlemen, I was right.
It was the Sheriff, and I
wouldn't let him come in.
Now, I'm afraid this will
have to be the last game.
You see?
Now, remember, gentlemen,
the ace is the thing.
And don't forget it,
gentlemen, the ace.
The ace is the thing.
Now, here we are.
Remember, get your money down
because this is the last time
tonight you'll be able to bet.
Now, try and win all you
can from me, gentlemen.
Now, watch it.
Now, watch it, and watch it very
clo-- oh, I beg your pardon.
I'm a little bit nervous
on account of the Sheriff.
Now, remember, gentlemen,
here is the ace.
Now, watch the ace.
Now, watch it, gentlemen.
There it is.
There we are, gentlemen.
Now, which one is the ace?
-It's that one.
Hurry up.
You think it is, eh?
All right, put your money down.
All right, have you
put your money down?
All right, hurry up, gentlemen.
Remember, there will
be no more tonight.
Are you finished, gentlemen?
Well, let's see.
There's the ace, gentlemen.
I'm sorry, but there's
where you lose.
See, there's the
chance you take.
Now, gentlemen, remember,
that is the way out.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
Goodnight, gentlemen,
and thanks for your time.
I
I could have sworn
it was that one.
Yeah, you must have
bet the wrong one.
Aw.
Gee, it's nice
out here, isn't it?
It's beautiful.
Look.
Look.
Oh.
Land sakes.
What is it?
What is it?
It's Mamie Goltz, as
sure as I'm alive.
And that corn doctor.
Shh.
That terrible-- can't we
drive up a little bit closer?
I should say not.
I'm going home.
Oh, I know you don't mean
all the things you say to me,
but I like to hear
them just the same.
Don't mean them?
Of course, not, every week
you are in a different town
and see different girls.
You know you do.
But, honey, you're different.
No, I'm not, but I don't care.
I know you'll go away
and forget all about me
because I'm just another girl.
But I won't forget about you.
I'll always remember you.
And even if I have to
marry old Peter Scholtz,
I'll always look back
on tonight and say,
I was never so happy in my life.
You're not angry, are you?
I'm not angry, honey.
Then what's the matter?
We better get back to town.
Oh, please, don't go yet.
You're leaving town
tomorrow, and all
I'll have after
you're gone is just
the remembrance of tonight.
And I'll remember
it, too, sweetie,
but we better get back.
Why?
Because you're the sweetest
little girl I've ever met.
Gus.
Gus.
Here, did you open this door?
No.
No?
Morning, Pa.
Well, who opened that door
after I locked it last night,
huh?
Why, I--
Well?
Well?
Well?
I opened it.
Oh, you did, eh?
What for?
I just went out to
the medicine show.
Hmm, what time
did you get back?
10 o'clock.
What?
Well, I didn't get in
until after 11:00, myself.
What about that, huh?
I-- I went out again.
What?
After 11 o'clock, you
go out again, huh?
Well, you come with me.
I'll teach you not to
leave this house when
I say you just stay in here.
Go out at 11 o'clock, will you?
Well, I've got you.
There.
Let this be a lesson for you
to never leave this place.
Don't.
Don't.
Keep crying.
Pa, Pa, Buddy
didn't do anything?
No, he sneaked off last night,
and he leave that door open.
Oh, it wasn't Buddy
who was out last night.
It was I.
What?
You?
Where did you go?
I went out for a walk.
Yeah, who with?
Nobody, I went by myself.
Don't lie to me.
Who were you with?
I tell you.
I was by myself.
I'll make you
tell me the truth.
And if you don't,
it'll
Don't.
Don't you strike her
again, Mr. Goltz.
You understand that?
I kill you.
Now, here, you let this--
Mr. Goltz, oh, Mr. Goltz?
Take him back there.
Go on.
Good morning, Ms. Wilson.
Nice morning, huh?
Yes, it is.
Is there something
you want, huh?
Listen, Goltz.
I've come to perform a
most unpleasant duty.
Yes.
But sometimes, the most
unpleasant things are the best
for us in the long run.
Well, what is it?
And you know, we
can't always see
the wisdom of the lord's work.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
But what's it about?
It's about Mamie.
About my Mamie?
Well, what about her?
She was out last night
with that medicine doctor.
What?
At Western Slate, all
alone, late at night.
I thought you'd want to be told
because everybody else in town
knows.
Yeah, well, if everybody knows,
you told them to.
Oh.
Get out.
Get out.
I never was so
insulted in all my life.
I want rural 98W.
Hello.
This is Emmond Goltz speaking.
Hello, Mr. Goltz.
So Peter, my Mamie's
been talking about you.
Huh, Mamie?
Mamie was asking about me?
Yeah, und, uh, you
want to marry her, huh?
Sure, sure, I would like to.
Well, I've been thinking
about it, too, Peter.
Und there's no use
of putting it off.
Today is as good
as any day, huh?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure, sure.
I wanted to butcher today,
but I can do that tomorrow.
And Mamie can learn it, too.
And I-- I'll be right in town.
No, no, don't bother.
Uh, I'll tank the car up and
come right out and get you.
Gee, Mamie, what
are you gonna do?
Give me a cigarette, will you?
Yeah, hey, you know something?
What?
I wish we were
out of this dump.
So do I. I'm beginning
to feel nervous.
You know, I am afraid
that Swede dame
is gonna give trouble to us
before we get out of town.
Give me a light.
If she doesn't, here
comes one that will.
Uh-oh.
Can you tell me
where Dr. Harvey is?
Dr. Harvey, why, didn't
you see him this morning?
No.
Well, he said he was
gonna say goodbye to you.
Goodbye?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
He left town this morning.
Yeah, you see, um, he
went to Mitchellville.
To Mi-- no, no,
not Mitchellville.
No?
No, he don't mean
Mitchellville.
He means, um-- well, I don't
know the name of the town.
But anyhow, he's gone.
Yeah, you.
Mm-hmm, yeah,
yeah, he'll be back.
Oh, nay, oh, oh, nay.
Oh, no, no, no, I
mean, he won't be back.
He's gone for good.
Hello, honey.
I was just thinking about you.
Oh, Dr. Harvey, Buddy
and I are so unhappy.
Won't you take us away with you?
Come on inside, sweet,
and tell me all about it.
All right, now, honey, tell me.
What's the trouble?
It's Pa.
He's beat us all
our lives until we
just can't stand it any longer.
What do you want to be lying
to that little girl for?
Me lying?
No, I guess I was lying.
What are you talking about?
You started to do
all the-- oh, listen.
Will you lay off of
me and leave me alone?
Well, now, don't you
worry your little head
about it any longer.
You mean?
I mean that you and I
are going away from here.
And take Buddy with us?
And take Buddy with us.
Oh, I can't tell
you how happy I am.
Don't try.
Just run along home.
Pack your things.
Bring buddy back.
And as soon as you
come back, we'll go.
Run along, honey,
and get right back.
I won't keep you waiting.
We'll be back in no time.
I'll tell you.
Them circus fellas
is all slickers.
That fella wasn't on the level.
He did me for $50, and
the wife's raising Cain.
I am for having them arrested.
So am I.
He's a crook, all right.
Well, of course you fellers
have no business gambling.
But if you want to
swear out a warrant--
-I'll swear out a warrant.
-Me, too.
Me, too.
So will I.
All right, then, if
you'll come with me,
we'll swear out a warrant.
And I'll lock 'em up.
Go on.
Now, you're talking.
I hear said a mouthful.
Hey, you guys, you
better beat it fast.
Why?
What's the matter, kid?
My pop went with the rest
of the guys to get a, uh,
one of those things to
have you arrested with.
What's that you're
saying, Barton?
You're all going
to be arrested.
What have you fellas
been pulling now?
Well, Doc, we
haven't done anything.
We just, uh--
Oh, we just had a little
Monte game last night.
That's all, Doc.
Yeah, well, I told you to
lay off of that stuff here,
didn't I?
Well, we had to get a
little dough, didn't we?
And besides, you said
we'd be out of this town
by daylight, now, didn't you?
Yeah, that's right.
Where did you say
they went, son?
They went to get something
to arrest someone with.
A warrant?
Yeah, that's it, but
you guys better beat it.
Well, what are you
waiting for, the Sheriff?
No.
Come on, fellas.
Get packed.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, yeah.
Here we are, Peter.
Yeah, here we are.
Mannie, come here.
Come here.
Where do you think
you are going, huh?
I am going away
with Dr. Harvey,
and Buddy's going with us.
Yeah, well, who said so?
I did, and so did Dr. Harvey.
Und you believed him, huh?
Why, yes.
Why shouldn't I?
You come with me.
I'll show you why.
Come.
There, you see that?
That's the way he's
gonna take you with him.
You going to marry Peter
Scholtz, a good, honest man.
That's what you're going to do.
Peter, you stay here and see
that Mamie don't go nowhere.
I'll go get the license
and be right back.
Yes, sir, Goltz, I'll do that.
Go on inside.
Go on.
Oh, John.
I brought the Justice of
Peace, and we're going to be
married right here and now.
What?
She is going to marry me.
Now, quit kidding
yourself, Adonis.
Where'd you get that idea?
Well, uh, her-- her
father told me so.
And I am not going to be
by nobody.
Where is her father now?
Well, he is going
to get the license,
and me and Mamie are
going to get married.
Now, listen, Scholtz, why don't
you bring her father back here,
and we can settle
this thing right away.
Hmm, so you two could run
away, huh, well I'm gone, huh?
Why, don't be silly.
Here is the Justice of Peace,
a sworn officer of the law.
Will you keep them here, huh?
Sure, Scholtz.
Now, don't you
worry about a thing.
I'll see there's
no injustice done.
Can I depend on it?
Absolutely, run along.
All right, then.
OK, judge, do your stuff.
Buddy and Gus will be witnesses.
Sure we will, won't we, Gus?
Sure.
Oh, by the way,
have you got a ring?
Sure thing, judge, right here.
That's good.
Now, Miss, uh, Mamie Goltz
and Mr. John H. Harvey,
I'm about to join
you in holy wedlock.
Hurry, hurry.
Come back.
The doctor is here.
He's right in your store.
What?
And he said he's
going to marry Mamie.
I told him Mamie is
going to marry me,
and he said, she ain't.
So I come to get you.
-Come quick.
-Huh?
We go.
Now, under the laws of this
state and in the sight of God
I pronounce you man and wife.
Come on.
Let's get going before Pa comes.
Thanks very much, judge,
for your assistance.
Now, really, you
know, Mr. Harvey,
I shouldn't take money for
playing a trick on old Goltz.
You know, that's pay
enough for most any man.
All right, judge.
Goodbye, Gus.
Be happy, Mamie.
That's all I want.
Come on.
Let's get going.
Mamie, we'll have to run along.
So long, Gus.
Goodbye, judge.
So long and good luck to you.
Goodbye and good luck to you.
Oh, great, eh?
You bet.
Where's my daughter?
Why, she just got married
to a right nice young man.
What?
And if I am not mistaken, she
just started on her honeymoon.
Well, there ain't no man gonna
run away with my daughter.
Why--
Well, what?
She's married to him now, and
you're not going to stop him.
Go on.
Get out of my way.
Buddy and Mamie are
going to be happy.
or get
out of the way.
Gus.
Gus.
I didn't do it.
Yes, Gus, he always
was a queer old chap,
and I always knowed that he'd
end up by killing himself.
Hey, Sheriff, I want
to prove there's nothing
dishonest about this game.
It just takes a little skill
and cleverness, that's all.
Now, now, Sheriff, now
you just watch the ace.
That's all you have to do.
Now, keep your mind on the ace.
Now, do you think
you can find it?
I certainly can.
Well, where is it?
Right there.
And would you back
your judgment, you
know, up to a $10 bill on it?
I certainly will.
Well, put up your money.
There you are.
Now, let's see if you win.
It isn't that one.
It isn't that one, so
it must be that one.
The Sheriff wins $10.
Now, there you are, Sheriff.
You see, you'd all pick it out
if you were as clever as him.
Is there anything dishonest
about this, Sheriff?
Well, I don't see anything
wrong about this game.
I'd be willing to stay
here and play it all night.
Why, sure, you would.
Come on.
I'll go you again for $50.
Sure.
The Sheriff's gonna
play $50 more.
Yeah, I heard him.
He likes this game, don't you?
You bet I do.
Yeah.
Well, now, watch
the ace, Sheriff.
Now, where is it, Sheriff?
There it is.
How much have you got there?
$50.
$50.
I want to be in on that.
You sure know how
to pick 'em, Sheriff.
Well, that's the ace,
gentlemen, so I guess
I have to pay you all off.
$1, $2, there's $20, $30, $40.
Oh, I must have been dreaming.
Hurry up, before Pa comes.
He won't let us stop and
look at half this stuff.
Remember last time some of
the candy boxes were broken?
Gee, I hope they're
busted this time.
Of course, it's bad
for Pa's profits,
but you can't help liking candy.
Oh, Buddy, look.
I could make you the
nicest sweater out of this.
Sure, but let's find
a busted box of candy.
Gee, Buddy, I wish
we had a Victrola.
I just love music.
Sure, but I love candy better.
Gosh, I hope the box is broken.
Look, Buddy.
Look.
Isn't it beautiful?
Oh, I thought you
found something to eat.
I got it.
I got it.
Aw, it ain't busted.
I'm sorry.
It's busted now, all right.
Oh, you shouldn't.
Pa would be awful mad.
Aw, he's always mad.
Here he comes now.
Put it away, quick, and
pick up those records.
Watch where you're going.
Who was playing that phonograph?
I was.
Well, don't do it again.
You know better.
My customers don't
want used goods.
If I catch you
doing it again, I'll
give you both a good licking.
Why don't you watch your feet?
You slip all the time, huh?
My shoe, it's caught.
Sliding on the
again, huh?
No, he wasn't, Father.
He's worn those for over a year.
And besides--
, you go back to
your work and unpack that case.
You clean this mess up here.
I'm going out now.
And don't you waste
time while I'm gone,
or I'll lick you
when I get back.
Keep your hands off that horn.
The next time, I
will beat you good.
Sit down.
Good morning, Mr. Scholtz.
Good morning, I want
a sack of sugar, Mamie.
That's a nice dress, ain't it?
You keep your hands
off me, Peter Scholtz.
Oh, I didn't mean no harm.
I like you, Mamie.
That's all.
I don't want you to like me.
Is there anything
else besides sugar?
Uh, I was going to ask you
if I couldn't come to visit
you tonight for a while.
Well, you can't, tonight
or any other night.
What do you want?
Come on, Pa.
There's a parade coming.
Maybe, uh, later?
Hurry, Pa.
Maybe later I think of
something else I need, huh?
Get in there.
But, Dad, we want to
stay and see the parade.
Huh?
We want to see the parade.
I'll tell you all about
the parade when we get home.
Sit down.
I don't like that fellow.
I don't know anybody who
does, Gus, except my father.
Hey, Mamie, look it.
Come here, quick.
Gosh, I bet that's a
really.
Perhaps Dr. Harvey's Medicine
would help my gallstone.
You can't tell Harvey.
He's.
And now, my friends,
right here tonight
you will see
that has
ever visited your fair city.
The New York
representative critics
have proclaimed this show to
be the greatest aggregation
of merry-making mirth
provokers since Shakespeare
was barred from Avon.
You will see Martin and
Webb, those outstanding and
incomparable artists, direct
from a three-years tour of the
foremost vaudeville theaters.
I can say unquestionably and
without fear of contradiction
that this is the most
sensational act that has ever
been presented on any stage.
You will see those happy,
hilarious, hip-swinging
hula dancers, direct from the
shores of languorous Hawaii,
and that big Indian
Chief, Paw Paw,
and thrilling dances
of his forefathers,
and other attractions
too numerous to mention.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, there is absolutely
no admission into the camp.
Our sole aim is
to entertain you.
And remember, folks, the show
starts promptly at 8 o'clock,
so be there, 8 o'clock sharp,
and see this great show.
Remember, folks, it's
free, absolutely free.
Give me two in the
front row, please.
Two what?
I don't understand you.
I beg your pardon.
I took one look at you and
thought I was at the Folly.
Anyone ever tell
you you were pretty?
Uh, no, sir.
Well, there's a great opening
in this town for an optician.
I'll bet you tell
that to all the girls.
No, I don't.
I don't know all the girls.
Is there anything
I can sell you?
Yes, give me a box of candy.
How's this?
Well, haven't you
got a larger box?
Oh, yes, there's a larger
one, but it's more expensive.
Now, don't worry
about the expense.
This is for a very
dear friend of mine.
Will this do?
That's all right.
Have you got a little
card, you know,
the kind that you
put on a gift box?
Oh, yes.
Will you write
something for me?
My fingers are a little sore.
I've been sewing all day.
What shall I write?
To the sweetest little
girl I have ever met.
Is this for your sweetheart?
Yes.
There you are.
There you are.
Oh, for me?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I-- I shouldn't
really take this,
but it's awfully
sweet of you, Mister?
Dr. Harvey, Dr. John H. Harvey.
Thank you, Dr. Harvey.
Now, young lady,
as a physician,
I wish to make several
recommendations to you.
My advice for you, young
lady, plenty of night air
and long walks in the moonlight.
Oh, but I'd be afraid in
the moonlight all alone.
Ah, but the ethics
of my profession
provide that the physician
never leaves a patient's side
when his services are required.
Therefore, I'll meet you
tonight after the show
and give you your
first treatment,
and it'll be some treatment.
How do you know I'm
going to the show?
Your doctor has ordered it.
But my father wouldn't
let me if I asked him,
and he'd fly into
a terrible rage
if I went without asking him.
Oh, well, that's easy.
Ask him tomorrow morning
when we get back.
Will this pay for the candy?
Mm-hmm.
Come on, Pa.
Why don't you go
on with your work?
I'll teach you to
leave the store
and waste your
time when I'm gone.
Go on.
Well, did you ever try
kicking him in the face?
Is there something
that you want here?
Why, yes.
Well, why don't you get it?
I will, later on.
Yeah, you, go on.
Go back to your work, and
don't waste so much time.
And if you disobey me again,
I'll make you sorry for it.
Gee, Mamie, did you see
that big Indian chief?
Oh, he looks wonderful.
Look.
He bought this
and gave it to me.
Who, the Indian?
Of course not, Dr. Harvey.
Oh, boy.
Oh, hello, Doc, how are ya?
Hello, Doc.
Say, Doc, this town looks like
it ought to be great pickings.
Now, wait a minute, fellas,
none of that fast stuff here.
Remember the trouble
we had last time?
I had to spend half
of my profit getting
you out of the hoosegow.
Yeah, well, how
about the money that I
spent getting rid of that
sweet chambermaid of yours?
What about her?
Please,
mister, youse can tell me where
I can find the medicine show?
I then look for Dr. Harvey.
Medicine show is
straight down the street.
You can't miss it.
But I missed that
feller one, two, three,
five times before I come here.
Well, now, wait a minute.
What's the use of arguing?
All I want to know is this.
Did you finally get rid of her?
Yes, I got rid of her.
I certainly did, Doc.
She's gone for good.
Good, now remind me Saturday
night to give each of you
a punch in the nose.
Tennyson, why is
it you're always
taking credit for everything--
I don't want
credit for anything.
I just want to be--
-Listen.
Listen.
While you fellas decide
who gets the credit,
I'm going across the street
and have a cup of java.
You can't miss it.
Thank you.
Swedish lady.
Uh-huh.
I hope we hit a big
town pretty soon.
I'm getting sick and
tired of these birds.
I'm telling you that.
You know the last show--
Hello.
Hilda.
And up jumped the devil.
Well, what are you doing here?
I come
Dr. Harvey.
Oh, you did, eh?
Hilda, for Go-- you
don't mean to stand there
and tell me that
you didn't see Dr.
Harvey back in Mitchellville.
Well, I come here to see him.
Oh, this is terr--
this is awful.
Hilda, listen.
Dr. Harvey is waiting for
you back in Mitchellville.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourself, Hilda.
There's poor Dr.
Harvey waiting for you,
and here you've run out
and deserted him like this.
Hilda, I tell you what
you better.
You have gotta get
on the train and go
right back to Mitchellville.
Oh, isn't it terrible?
Now, there is Dr.
Harvey, all alone.
It's probably
breaking his heart.
Hilda, for good-- haven't
you got-- I mean, haven't you
any feelings at all?
But I got no money.
I just spent it
all to come here.
Ah, money.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Here, here's some money.
Get on the train and-- and
go back to Mitchellville.
But I got no money
for a hotel bill.
Oh, OK, here.
Hilda, here, there's
money for a hotel.
Now, go, Hilda.
I need change to
tip the porter.
Well, can't you break a bill?
Here, never mind.
Listen.
Here, there's a
quarter for the porter.
Go and tip-- look.
Look, here's an extra
dime for the bellboy.
Now, will you go?
Go on, will ya?
Thank you.
I shall hurry now
to catch the train.
-Yeah.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, and try and get hit
with an automobile, Hilda.
Oh, I forgot to give her a
penny to buy a drinking cup.
Yeah.
You know, I'm--
Well, I just got rid of that
sweet dame of yours again.
No, no.
Yeah, I noticed that.
No, he means I got
rid of that sweet dame.
I got--
-Hey, wait a minute now.
What do you mean,
you got rid of her?
Well, who did get rid of her?
What's the difference?
All right, fellas, all right,
thank both of you very much.
Why don't you settle
this with boxing gloves?
Well, did you got it?
Yeah, I've got it har.
Pa.
What?
Oh, uh, see how nice
we cleaned up the store?
Well?
Oh, Pa, would you let us
go to the medicine show?
No, we can't afford it.
But it doesn't cost anything.
It's free.
Oh, free, huh?
Oh, well, all
right, but remember.
Be back in one hour.
Here, here.
Wait.
And don't have nothing to do
with those no-good show people.
Here.
Mamie, Mamie.
Oh, Mamie.
Yes, Pa?
Who broke these records?
I did.
You take your clothes off
and go right straight to bed.
Do you hear me?
Mr. Goltz.
Eh?
If you let Buddy go to the
show, I'll pay for the record.
Where did you get money, huh?
Well, cash, I
ain't got, but you
could take it out of my pay.
You mind your own business.
Go on.
Listen, Buddy.
You can take off your shoes
and slip out the back way.
But be sure and be back from the
show before Pa comes upstairs.
Gee, you're a swell sister.
Hurry, now, and
don't let Pa hear you.
And now, folks, the
show is about to start,
the finest entertainment
you have ever
had the pleasure of witnessing.
There are a lot of
good seats inside,
but you'll have to hurry.
You can't see the show out here.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, folks.
If you want to hear
the minstrel man
sing, if you want to
see the girls dance,
you've got to go inside.
They can't dance out here.
It's cold, and besides,
the Sheriff is moody.
Now, hurry up.
Hurry up, folks.
Right inside.
Maybe we can get the chief,
Chief Paw Paw, to talk to us.
And you should see his mohawk.
What a gal, and last but not
least, folks, the fire eater.
Watch him eat fire.
And how, he he eats it,
and he's hungry, folks.
He hasn't had a thing to eat
in two days, not a thing.
Would you like to see our show?
Oh, yes, sir.
Well, I'll tell
you what I'll do.
I'll take you in myself and see
that you get a nice front seat.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You're a pretty
little girl, too.
Are you here alone?
Oh, no, sir, my
father is here with me.
Oh, your father
is here with you?
Step right in, folks,
and see the show.
But, mister.
Now, you're going to
be-- please, please.
Now, you're going
to be late, folks.
But, mister, you
said you'd get me--
Now, go right in yourself.
You'll find plenty
of empty seats.
Walk right in.
Hello, Goltz.
Wie geht's, Peter?
Oh, I-- I butchered today,
so I brought you some nice,
fresh pigs' feet.
Do you know, uh, pigs' feet
are pretty scarce these days.
Uh, I could have
gotten $0.40 for them.
Say, uh, is Mamie around?
Uh, now I know why you're
here and why I get pigs' feet.
Well, now that I'm
here, I would like
to visit with her for a while.
So you're kind of
sweet on her, huh?
Oh, I like her, all right.
You know, it has
been awful lonesome
since the old lady died,
and then again my kids
ought to have a woman around.
So I was thinking.
Maybe you would like for me
and Mamie to get married, huh?
Well, Peter, I don't
know of anybody that would
make a better husband for her.
You're a good, steady fella,
and you've got a fine farm, huh?
But right now, I
can't spare her.
I need her here in the store.
Maybe after a
while, when Buddy is
big enough to do
all the work, I'd be
glad that you should marry her.
That Peter Scholtz
is downstairs.
You'd better get out quick.
He wants to visit with you.
You stay here.
I go see what Mamie is doing.
Yeah, what's the matter?
Why are you in bed, huh?
Peter Scholtz is downstairs
and wants to visit with you.
I've got a headache, Pa.
What from?
I don't know.
I guess I'm just tired.
Oh, you're always tired,
and I don't know why.
Here, you see that you're
not too tired when it's
time to get up in the morning.
All right, Pa.
Yeah.
Well, uh, where is Mamie?
She wasn't feeling good,
and she's gone to bed.
After I came all the
way in just to see her?
I am sorry I wasted
all this gasoline.
Gute Nacht, Peter.
, Peter.
You'll break your arm
with that full car.
Uh, I am Peter.
, huh?
Oh, Peter, there you are.
There you go.
Gute Nacht, Peter.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Hey, Mamie.
Hey, Mamie.
Mamie.
Hello, Buddy.
So Dr. Harvey's gave me a job.
If I sell $12 of
medicine, I'll get $0.60.
Look at the swell
shirt he gave me.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Thanks, you come take my seat.
I gotta go to work.
Right here.
Thanks, Buddy.
Now, friends,
we're going to sing you a song,
a cute and sweet little ditty.
I wrote some
music in the country.
And I wrote
the words in the city.
Now, we have a cat
down at our house.
It's small as a
ball of yarn, and
when the little kittens were
born, they all had sweaters on.
I tried to get
my wife to ride a horse,
just to reduce her weight.
The horse lost 40 pounds,
and the wife gained 98.
And now, ladies and
gentlemen, I-- my error, boys.
Pardon me.
Now, we could
stand here, hour by hour,
and sing this little song.
But the show has two more hours
to go, so we better run along.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
I wish to address you folks
on a subject that is of
most vital interest to each
and every one of you.
And that subject, my
good friends, is health.
To those of you who have
suffered from ills and aches,
I come to you with the glad
tidings that there is hope.
Now, the science of
anatomy, friends,
is divided into two groups--
physiology and physic,
though perhaps many of you
have never taken physiology.
I hold before you tonight, John
H. Harvey's Pawnee Tonic and
Blood Purifier, at $1 a bottle.
What if I were to tell you
folks that men have been brought
into my presence with
both legs amputated,
and after one teaspoonful
of this liquid, skated home?
You'd say I was lying,
now, wouldn't you?
It can't be done.
Of course, it can't.
Mussolini couldn't do it.
But I don't claim this.
No matter what your
ailment, my friend,
no matter how long
you have suffered
or how hopeless the case may be,
Dr. Harvey's Pawnee
Tonic and Blood
Purifier, at $1 a bottle,
will restore you
to perfect health.
Now, the secret formula of
this world-renowned remedy
was handed down
from the forefathers
of Chief Homantash, the greatest
chief of all the Pawnee.
Thank you.
Now, friends, I have
a testimonial here,
one of the many I receive every
day from a grateful public.
"Dear Sir, if you do not pay
for your overcoat by the 10th
of this mon--" sorry, folks.
That's the wrong letter,
but I know I have it.
I must have it right
here in this pocket.
Here we are, right here.
"Dear Dr. Harvey, for weeks,
my husband has been
violently insane
and imagined he
was Louis the 16th.
After taking two
bottles of your tonic,
he has greatly
improved and now thinks
he is only Louis the 14th."
And now, my friends, the
price of this medicine
is the small and
insignificant sum of $1.
I do not claim, folks, that
it will cure dandruff, falling
arches, run-down heels,
or carburetor trouble, no,
but I do say this.
It is a positive remedy for the
stomach, kidney, liver, cuts,
burns, and bruises, pains in
the small of the back, lumbago,
rheumatism, ailments
of the eyes,
ears, nose, and throat
and all joints with it.
And now, friends, my
agents will pass among you.
Come on, boys.
You're up.
All right, boys.
Hair on your head and
corns on your bunions.
How do you do, Colonel?
How about a bottle?
Well, I don't think so.
Colonel?
Remember.
I do, indeedy.
This is double strength.
Well, what do you say?
I'll take one.
Here's another
gentleman who takes
another bottle,
another bottle sold.
$1, Colonel.
$1, well, there's a $20 bill.
$20 bill, all right,
$1 for the medicine,
$2, $3, $4, $5, $10, and $10,
or $20, I thank you, Colonel.
Now, folks, if there's
anybody else who
would like to buy a bottle--
Hey, come back here.
You made a mistake.
A mistake, Colonel?
There's only $15 there.
A mistake?
Well, a mistake, sure.
All right, Colonel, just
let me see your money.
You'll count it over again.
I wouldn't cheat
you for the world.
$1 for the medicine, $2,
$3, $4, and $2 is $6.
$8, $9, $10, $11, $12,
uh-- oh, how do you do?
Pardon me, who's the young lady?
Why, that's my daughter.
Your daughter?
A very pretty girl,
takes after the father.
How old is she, Colonel?
Well, she's 18 now.
18?
$18 and $2 are $20.
I thank you, Colonel.
Good day, my mistake.
It makes the old, young,
folks, and it makes the, uh--
How's the wife, Sheriff?
Oh, she's just fine, Ted.
I have one bottle left, folks.
Now that perfect health has
been put within the reach
of all, I am going to disclose
to every lady my audience
the priceless secret
of perpetual charm.
Folks, right here in my
hand I have the sesame
to everlasting youth
and beauty, Dr.
John H. Harvey's, Bridal Blush.
Now, I'm not going to
take up any of your time
making extravagant claims
for this preparation.
I merely wish the privilege of
proving to you that Dr. John H.
Harvey's Bridal
Blush can enhance
the beauty of the fairest
handiwork of Mother Nature.
Now, I'm going to ask some
young lady to come out on stage
so that I may offer a practical
demonstration of the miracles
wrought by Dr. John H.
Harvey's Bridal Blush.
Now, which young
lady will assist me?
I think I'll go.
Thank you, girls,
but this young lady
has kindly consented to come up
on the platform and assist me.
Now, honey, don't worry.
Don't worry at all.
You're among friends.
I think it's a fake.
So do I. Come on.
I'm nervous up
here on the stage.
There you are,
folks, the young lady
says that she got her beauty
from the self-same preparation,
procured from my main
office in Toledo.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, indeed, she says.
Nothing in the world compares
to Dr. Harvey's Bridal Blush.
Soap and water
is all I ever use.
Me, too, and look
at my complexion.
A little music, Chief.
I'll have you fixed
up in a minute.
How about going out in an
automobile ride tonight, Mamie?
Oh, I'd love to,
but I couldn't.
Why not?
Well, you see, I came over here
without my father's permission,
and I have to get back home.
Oh, that's too bad.
Now, watch me closely, folks.
Hattie, I feel it
is my duty to go
and tell Mr. Goltz what a
shameful spectacle his daughter
is making.
You're right, absolutely right.
Snuck out to see the show, eh?
No, to see you.
You wouldn't kid
me now, would you?
Do you like me, Mamie?
Oh, yes.
I think you're wonderful.
Do you hear that, folks?
The young lady
says that my beauty
system is absolutely wonderful.
How about tomorrow night?
Yes, I think I can.
It's a date, then,
eh, beautiful?
I don't know how you ever
had the courage to go up there.
Oh, well, I didn't
really want to go up on the--
Well, you-- you're OK.
You had a headache
and had to go to bed.
Now, go home, you
crazy Jezebel and take
that filth off your face.
Go on.
Go home.
Well, I only did
my duty as I saw it.
You certainly did.
Get out here.
Oh, oh, Papa, please, don't.
I'll teach you to lie.
I didn't do anything.
Please, I
didn't do anything.
I promise I didn't do anything.
You, go on upstairs.
You hear me?
And I'm going out and fix
those no-good show people.
Don't cry, Mamie.
Well, did he hurt
you much, Mamie?
Oh, I'll be all right.
Dr. Harvey's Medicine, folks.
Here, here.
I have done you a lot of favors.
Well, now, I'd like
to run 'em out of town,
but I gotta have a reason.
Well, uh, can't you
trump up something?
Madam, there's your change,
and there's your bottle.
Call again to find out--
I'm going over
to the restaurant
and get something to-- shh.
I'll watch 'em.
And if I get anything
on 'em, then I
won't run 'em out of town.
I'll put 'em in jail.
Good.
Hello, baby.
Hello.
Did the old buzzard
suspect anything?
You mean Pa?
Oh, no, I waited till
I heard him snoring.
Well, I hope he keeps it up.
Oh, it was nice of you to
send me the, uh, stockings.
Did you wear 'em?
Uh, oh, yes.
Not bad, not bad at all,
they're awfully nice.
Oh, and thank you very
much for the other thing.
I mean, the, uh, pretty.
Pretty?
That's not what I asked
for when I bought 'em.
Did you wear those, too?
Oh, I think we'd better
drive away from here.
Somebody might see us
and tell my father.
OK, honey, now which road
has the heaviest traffic?
Why, the main
street, of course.
Great, we'll take this one.
Now, gentlemen, the
hour is getting late.
We haven't got much
more time to stay here.
Now, I want you
to keep your mind
on the game and nothing else.
I'm gonna show you
how to win some money.
I'll show you how
the trick's done.
Now, first, I'll show to you.
Now, there's the ace.
Now, all you do is keep
your mind on the ace.
You understand that, don't you?
Now, here we are.
Now, just watch the little ace.
Now, then, which
is the ace, sir?
Take your time.
You might guess it.
You think that's it, do you?
And, really, you'd bet on
that, too, wouldn't you?
How much would you bet?
Oh, $25.
$25.
Well, now, let's
see if you'd win.
That isn't it, is it?
That isn't it, so
consequently that must be it.
Now, there you are.
Do you see how easy it is?
Now, had you had your money
up, you'd have one that time,
wouldn't you?
Now, I'm gonna show it
to this gentleman here.
Yeah, I'll show it
to you if you don't
mind, mister-- oh, pardon me.
What is your name?
Scruggs.
Mr. Scruggs.
And your name?
Perkins.
Perkins, shake hands with
Mr. Scruggs, Mr. Perkins.
Now, Mr. Suds, I'm
gonna show it to you.
There's the ace.
You all see it,
gentlemen, the little ace.
Now, then, which one do
you think it is, Mr. Spuds?
Scruggs.
Oh, Scruggs.
Well, we all make mistakes.
That's the reason we put,
uh, rubbers on lead pencils.
Now, take your time,
and, uh, which one is it?
He may guess it.
You did.
This one.
You think that's it?
And you would bet, of
course, being a sporting man.
Yes.
How
Much would you bet?
$50.
Is that so?
Well, now, let's
see if he'd win.
That isn't it.
That isn't it, so
that must be it.
Now, there you are, gentlemen.
You see, gentlemen?
I'm not cheating.
You can win, can't you?
Now, we'll try it once more.
But this time, gentlemen, if
you have any money to put down,
let's make it a good bet.
Now, remember, gentlemen, you've
got as much chance as I have.
Now, here we go, gentlemen.
Remember, watch the ace.
Shh, just a minute, gentlemen.
There's the Sheriff, I think.
He wanted to come in here and
play, and I wouldn't let him.
Just a minute.
Hey, shall we look at 'em?
Sure.
Yeah, go ahead.
Look, there it is.
That's the ace.
We'll bend this corner up.
OK.
Shh, gentlemen, I was right.
It was the Sheriff, and I
wouldn't let him come in.
Now, I'm afraid this will
have to be the last game.
You see?
Now, remember, gentlemen,
the ace is the thing.
And don't forget it,
gentlemen, the ace.
The ace is the thing.
Now, here we are.
Remember, get your money down
because this is the last time
tonight you'll be able to bet.
Now, try and win all you
can from me, gentlemen.
Now, watch it.
Now, watch it, and watch it very
clo-- oh, I beg your pardon.
I'm a little bit nervous
on account of the Sheriff.
Now, remember, gentlemen,
here is the ace.
Now, watch the ace.
Now, watch it, gentlemen.
There it is.
There we are, gentlemen.
Now, which one is the ace?
-It's that one.
Hurry up.
You think it is, eh?
All right, put your money down.
All right, have you
put your money down?
All right, hurry up, gentlemen.
Remember, there will
be no more tonight.
Are you finished, gentlemen?
Well, let's see.
There's the ace, gentlemen.
I'm sorry, but there's
where you lose.
See, there's the
chance you take.
Now, gentlemen, remember,
that is the way out.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
Goodnight, gentlemen,
and thanks for your time.
I
I could have sworn
it was that one.
Yeah, you must have
bet the wrong one.
Aw.
Gee, it's nice
out here, isn't it?
It's beautiful.
Look.
Look.
Oh.
Land sakes.
What is it?
What is it?
It's Mamie Goltz, as
sure as I'm alive.
And that corn doctor.
Shh.
That terrible-- can't we
drive up a little bit closer?
I should say not.
I'm going home.
Oh, I know you don't mean
all the things you say to me,
but I like to hear
them just the same.
Don't mean them?
Of course, not, every week
you are in a different town
and see different girls.
You know you do.
But, honey, you're different.
No, I'm not, but I don't care.
I know you'll go away
and forget all about me
because I'm just another girl.
But I won't forget about you.
I'll always remember you.
And even if I have to
marry old Peter Scholtz,
I'll always look back
on tonight and say,
I was never so happy in my life.
You're not angry, are you?
I'm not angry, honey.
Then what's the matter?
We better get back to town.
Oh, please, don't go yet.
You're leaving town
tomorrow, and all
I'll have after
you're gone is just
the remembrance of tonight.
And I'll remember
it, too, sweetie,
but we better get back.
Why?
Because you're the sweetest
little girl I've ever met.
Gus.
Gus.
Here, did you open this door?
No.
No?
Morning, Pa.
Well, who opened that door
after I locked it last night,
huh?
Why, I--
Well?
Well?
Well?
I opened it.
Oh, you did, eh?
What for?
I just went out to
the medicine show.
Hmm, what time
did you get back?
10 o'clock.
What?
Well, I didn't get in
until after 11:00, myself.
What about that, huh?
I-- I went out again.
What?
After 11 o'clock, you
go out again, huh?
Well, you come with me.
I'll teach you not to
leave this house when
I say you just stay in here.
Go out at 11 o'clock, will you?
Well, I've got you.
There.
Let this be a lesson for you
to never leave this place.
Don't.
Don't.
Keep crying.
Pa, Pa, Buddy
didn't do anything?
No, he sneaked off last night,
and he leave that door open.
Oh, it wasn't Buddy
who was out last night.
It was I.
What?
You?
Where did you go?
I went out for a walk.
Yeah, who with?
Nobody, I went by myself.
Don't lie to me.
Who were you with?
I tell you.
I was by myself.
I'll make you
tell me the truth.
And if you don't,
it'll
Don't.
Don't you strike her
again, Mr. Goltz.
You understand that?
I kill you.
Now, here, you let this--
Mr. Goltz, oh, Mr. Goltz?
Take him back there.
Go on.
Good morning, Ms. Wilson.
Nice morning, huh?
Yes, it is.
Is there something
you want, huh?
Listen, Goltz.
I've come to perform a
most unpleasant duty.
Yes.
But sometimes, the most
unpleasant things are the best
for us in the long run.
Well, what is it?
And you know, we
can't always see
the wisdom of the lord's work.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
But what's it about?
It's about Mamie.
About my Mamie?
Well, what about her?
She was out last night
with that medicine doctor.
What?
At Western Slate, all
alone, late at night.
I thought you'd want to be told
because everybody else in town
knows.
Yeah, well, if everybody knows,
you told them to.
Oh.
Get out.
Get out.
I never was so
insulted in all my life.
I want rural 98W.
Hello.
This is Emmond Goltz speaking.
Hello, Mr. Goltz.
So Peter, my Mamie's
been talking about you.
Huh, Mamie?
Mamie was asking about me?
Yeah, und, uh, you
want to marry her, huh?
Sure, sure, I would like to.
Well, I've been thinking
about it, too, Peter.
Und there's no use
of putting it off.
Today is as good
as any day, huh?
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Sure, sure.
I wanted to butcher today,
but I can do that tomorrow.
And Mamie can learn it, too.
And I-- I'll be right in town.
No, no, don't bother.
Uh, I'll tank the car up and
come right out and get you.
Gee, Mamie, what
are you gonna do?
Give me a cigarette, will you?
Yeah, hey, you know something?
What?
I wish we were
out of this dump.
So do I. I'm beginning
to feel nervous.
You know, I am afraid
that Swede dame
is gonna give trouble to us
before we get out of town.
Give me a light.
If she doesn't, here
comes one that will.
Uh-oh.
Can you tell me
where Dr. Harvey is?
Dr. Harvey, why, didn't
you see him this morning?
No.
Well, he said he was
gonna say goodbye to you.
Goodbye?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
He left town this morning.
Yeah, you see, um, he
went to Mitchellville.
To Mi-- no, no,
not Mitchellville.
No?
No, he don't mean
Mitchellville.
He means, um-- well, I don't
know the name of the town.
But anyhow, he's gone.
Yeah, you.
Mm-hmm, yeah,
yeah, he'll be back.
Oh, nay, oh, oh, nay.
Oh, no, no, no, I
mean, he won't be back.
He's gone for good.
Hello, honey.
I was just thinking about you.
Oh, Dr. Harvey, Buddy
and I are so unhappy.
Won't you take us away with you?
Come on inside, sweet,
and tell me all about it.
All right, now, honey, tell me.
What's the trouble?
It's Pa.
He's beat us all
our lives until we
just can't stand it any longer.
What do you want to be lying
to that little girl for?
Me lying?
No, I guess I was lying.
What are you talking about?
You started to do
all the-- oh, listen.
Will you lay off of
me and leave me alone?
Well, now, don't you
worry your little head
about it any longer.
You mean?
I mean that you and I
are going away from here.
And take Buddy with us?
And take Buddy with us.
Oh, I can't tell
you how happy I am.
Don't try.
Just run along home.
Pack your things.
Bring buddy back.
And as soon as you
come back, we'll go.
Run along, honey,
and get right back.
I won't keep you waiting.
We'll be back in no time.
I'll tell you.
Them circus fellas
is all slickers.
That fella wasn't on the level.
He did me for $50, and
the wife's raising Cain.
I am for having them arrested.
So am I.
He's a crook, all right.
Well, of course you fellers
have no business gambling.
But if you want to
swear out a warrant--
-I'll swear out a warrant.
-Me, too.
Me, too.
So will I.
All right, then, if
you'll come with me,
we'll swear out a warrant.
And I'll lock 'em up.
Go on.
Now, you're talking.
I hear said a mouthful.
Hey, you guys, you
better beat it fast.
Why?
What's the matter, kid?
My pop went with the rest
of the guys to get a, uh,
one of those things to
have you arrested with.
What's that you're
saying, Barton?
You're all going
to be arrested.
What have you fellas
been pulling now?
Well, Doc, we
haven't done anything.
We just, uh--
Oh, we just had a little
Monte game last night.
That's all, Doc.
Yeah, well, I told you to
lay off of that stuff here,
didn't I?
Well, we had to get a
little dough, didn't we?
And besides, you said
we'd be out of this town
by daylight, now, didn't you?
Yeah, that's right.
Where did you say
they went, son?
They went to get something
to arrest someone with.
A warrant?
Yeah, that's it, but
you guys better beat it.
Well, what are you
waiting for, the Sheriff?
No.
Come on, fellas.
Get packed.
Let's get out of here.
Oh, yeah.
Here we are, Peter.
Yeah, here we are.
Mannie, come here.
Come here.
Where do you think
you are going, huh?
I am going away
with Dr. Harvey,
and Buddy's going with us.
Yeah, well, who said so?
I did, and so did Dr. Harvey.
Und you believed him, huh?
Why, yes.
Why shouldn't I?
You come with me.
I'll show you why.
Come.
There, you see that?
That's the way he's
gonna take you with him.
You going to marry Peter
Scholtz, a good, honest man.
That's what you're going to do.
Peter, you stay here and see
that Mamie don't go nowhere.
I'll go get the license
and be right back.
Yes, sir, Goltz, I'll do that.
Go on inside.
Go on.
Oh, John.
I brought the Justice of
Peace, and we're going to be
married right here and now.
What?
She is going to marry me.
Now, quit kidding
yourself, Adonis.
Where'd you get that idea?
Well, uh, her-- her
father told me so.
And I am not going to be
by nobody.
Where is her father now?
Well, he is going
to get the license,
and me and Mamie are
going to get married.
Now, listen, Scholtz, why don't
you bring her father back here,
and we can settle
this thing right away.
Hmm, so you two could run
away, huh, well I'm gone, huh?
Why, don't be silly.
Here is the Justice of Peace,
a sworn officer of the law.
Will you keep them here, huh?
Sure, Scholtz.
Now, don't you
worry about a thing.
I'll see there's
no injustice done.
Can I depend on it?
Absolutely, run along.
All right, then.
OK, judge, do your stuff.
Buddy and Gus will be witnesses.
Sure we will, won't we, Gus?
Sure.
Oh, by the way,
have you got a ring?
Sure thing, judge, right here.
That's good.
Now, Miss, uh, Mamie Goltz
and Mr. John H. Harvey,
I'm about to join
you in holy wedlock.
Hurry, hurry.
Come back.
The doctor is here.
He's right in your store.
What?
And he said he's
going to marry Mamie.
I told him Mamie is
going to marry me,
and he said, she ain't.
So I come to get you.
-Come quick.
-Huh?
We go.
Now, under the laws of this
state and in the sight of God
I pronounce you man and wife.
Come on.
Let's get going before Pa comes.
Thanks very much, judge,
for your assistance.
Now, really, you
know, Mr. Harvey,
I shouldn't take money for
playing a trick on old Goltz.
You know, that's pay
enough for most any man.
All right, judge.
Goodbye, Gus.
Be happy, Mamie.
That's all I want.
Come on.
Let's get going.
Mamie, we'll have to run along.
So long, Gus.
Goodbye, judge.
So long and good luck to you.
Goodbye and good luck to you.
Oh, great, eh?
You bet.
Where's my daughter?
Why, she just got married
to a right nice young man.
What?
And if I am not mistaken, she
just started on her honeymoon.
Well, there ain't no man gonna
run away with my daughter.
Why--
Well, what?
She's married to him now, and
you're not going to stop him.
Go on.
Get out of my way.
Buddy and Mamie are
going to be happy.
or get
out of the way.
Gus.
Gus.
I didn't do it.
Yes, Gus, he always
was a queer old chap,
and I always knowed that he'd
end up by killing himself.
Hey, Sheriff, I want
to prove there's nothing
dishonest about this game.
It just takes a little skill
and cleverness, that's all.
Now, now, Sheriff, now
you just watch the ace.
That's all you have to do.
Now, keep your mind on the ace.
Now, do you think
you can find it?
I certainly can.
Well, where is it?
Right there.
And would you back
your judgment, you
know, up to a $10 bill on it?
I certainly will.
Well, put up your money.
There you are.
Now, let's see if you win.
It isn't that one.
It isn't that one, so
it must be that one.
The Sheriff wins $10.
Now, there you are, Sheriff.
You see, you'd all pick it out
if you were as clever as him.
Is there anything dishonest
about this, Sheriff?
Well, I don't see anything
wrong about this game.
I'd be willing to stay
here and play it all night.
Why, sure, you would.
Come on.
I'll go you again for $50.
Sure.
The Sheriff's gonna
play $50 more.
Yeah, I heard him.
He likes this game, don't you?
You bet I do.
Yeah.
Well, now, watch
the ace, Sheriff.
Now, where is it, Sheriff?
There it is.
How much have you got there?
$50.
$50.
I want to be in on that.
You sure know how
to pick 'em, Sheriff.
Well, that's the ace,
gentlemen, so I guess
I have to pay you all off.
$1, $2, there's $20, $30, $40.