The Man Who Wasn't There (1983) - full transcript
A State Department employee finds an egg-shaped device with a green fluid inside that makes the person who drinks it invisible. He finds himself being chased by foreign agents who want the substance.
( distant drone of helicopter )
MAN 1:
First time for
the Washington Monument.
Come on, stone head,
make a left turn here.
MAN 2:
Gimme some of that beer.
MAN 1:
Buy your own.
Riley and I will take it up
to Ten Duyck.
Wait here.
Hey, Carter...
pick me up a hotdog
on the way back.
Yeah, get him a cobra
with mustard and mayonnaise.
Screw you.
Screw you.
What are you lookin' at?
The space between your teeth.
( dramatic theme playing )
( indistinct )
Mice!
Good afternoon, General.
General Podrido-Carnitas.
His excellency, General
Alejandro Podrido-Carnitas.
Ambassador
of the Republic of Argentina.
( speaks in foreign language )
Ambassador Hajji Rastafani.
Archipelago of Palawan.
Unhand me!
Don't grab me like that!
( continues gibberish )
Rastafani, Palawan!
SAM:
Mister Ambassador.
Welcome, it's good
to see you again.
I can assure you,
Mister Cooper,
that my government
will file a sharp protest
over this shoddy treatment
of its dutifully
accredited representative,
um, oh yes.
The United States
values the friendship of Palawan
very highly, Mister Ambassador.
If you've been treated
discourteously,
I'll see
that whoever's responsible
is reprimanded.
Well, then you can start
with whoever is responsible
for the food.
In every other room,
they are being served caviar,
and quail, and fresh fruit,
and bananas.
And what do we get here?
( laugh )
Chicken balls
and fish guts.
Chicken giblets,
Mister Ambassador.
I know chicken balls
when I see them...
h-however briefly.
You-hoo, just a moment.
Don't go 'way.
You, just a...
Hi.
( Grey grunts and gasps )
( coughs and gags )
I ah, I forgot my camera.
I'll be right back.
( Grey coughs )
Look out. Look out!
WOMAN:
Hey, where you goin'?
Get outta my way!
Sir, that's not
a twist-off.
Is Rastafani filing
another protest?
Frankly, Hassan,
I don't blame him.
Oh, there has clearly been
a mistake, Tohfa.
There is no way
in the world
that your country
can be seated ahead of mine.
Their countries are pimples!
At best.
I told them to give us
a round table.
What do you think
you are doing, you Amazon?
( grunts )
Ha!
Excuse me.
Whatta you...
( speaking in foreign language )
Sam!
You're supposed to be
walkin' down the aisle
in 15 minutes.
I know. I know!
I know!
Yuck.
( Rastafani growls )
( shouts )
( sighs )
Come here,
you bloody bastard!
Huh?
Come here, Riley.
Stop! Come here!
Hey!
Where's Riley goin'?
Let's go!
What's he doin'?
Come on,
move the bottle, huh?
Drive, let's go!
Drive, drive, drive!
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
Schmucks!
Come on,
let's get outta here.
You can't help this.
SAM:
I can't just...
Whoops, excuse me, you okay?
I'm not doing a very good job
as your best man.
Oh, it's my fault...
but Amanda will be furious.
Have you ever seen
Amanda furious?
I once saw her
mildly annoyed.
Well, then you know
what I mean.
Are you Cooper?
Yes.
The Assistant Secretary
wants to see you!
I'm, I'm late for a wedding.
Well, then I'd count on
being even later.
You don't understand,
it's, it's my wedding.
Well, then you have
nothing to worry about.
They can't start
without you.
This guy's great, huh?
Wait here.
Great! Great!
( both sigh )
( protesters shouting )
PUG FACE:
He's over there!
FIREPLUG:
Well, move it!
DRIVER:
I'm movin'!
I'm movin'!
( indistinct shouting )
GREY:
Stop! Catch him!
Catch him!
I'm gonna kill him!
FIREPLUG:
Hurry up!
Get him, will you?
Get him!
Get him! Get him!
CHIEF:
Riley!
( indistinct )
FIREPLUG:
Hop in! Hop in!
GREY:
Follow that man!
Follow that car!
I'm going to be late
for my wedding.
I can't believe it.
Well, tell 'em.
Excuse me.
Psst.
I gotta be--
The Assistant Secretary
will see you
as soon as
his schedule permits.
I'm not crazy
about that guy.
( squeal of tires )
I can hardly wait
to twist his ass!
You should've
caught 'im before!
Shut up!
I'm callin' the shots here!
Now, drive!
Cooper!
Yes.
I have tried to keep
your duties circumscribed,
Cooper!
Sir--
AIDE:
Cooper, don't interrupt
when the Secretary's speaking.
You have
an inexhaustible supply
of new ways
to be found wanting.
I understand that crockery,
12-inch dinner plates,
property of
the United States Government,
and numerous other forms
of our national condiments,
were used in an impromptu game
of football by your charges!
SAM:
Mister Secretary,
they were upset!
Evidently!
Sir, those folks
are so thoroughly
ignored by everyone
that it makes them...
well, it makes them
a little crazy.
Those folks,
as you so quaintly put it,
represent countries
whose collective budgets
couldn't even cover
the cost of replacing
the dinner plates,
or peanut barrels!
And I'm not
ignoring them.
I have given them you.
Your job is to see that they
limit their hostile acts
to diplomatic notes,
or self mutilation!
If you cannot do so,
there is always Post 361.
( mouths ):
Three sixty-one?
In Greenland.
( Sam sighs )
All right, now,
on to the next disaster.
Facing Amanda.
That won't be so tough.
Come on.
( bridesmaids giggle )
You look stunning, Mandy.
I wish Uncle Joe were here
to give you away.
He's our only family left.
How can you count on
a senile old scientist,
who's always trying
to save the world
with his chemistry set?
And where's
Mister Samuel Cooper?
Judy, go down and check again,
would you, please?
All he had to do
was travel a few miles
across town, and not get lost.
He's doing this
just to embarrass me!
Sam wouldn't do that, Mandy.
It's probably just something
out of his control.
Sam's whole life
is out of his control.
Listen, this is
your last chance,
you wanna change your mind?
Are you crazy?
A girl like Amanda?
She's great.
I don't know.
This is it.
( squeal of tires )
( screams and yells )
Come on, pick up speed,
will ya?
What the hell you want
from me, shut up!
Oh, wait a minute,
I almost forgot.
The Ambassador of Hong Kong,
Ambassador Chang gave me these.
TED:
What's this?
They're ah, pills
for the wedding night.
I know this stuff.
This is for hemorrhoids.
Pardon?
Go on, drive!
I want him dead!
I want that bastard dead,
go on!
Ted, can you hurry up, please?
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
All right. I'm sorry,
Just relax.
I don't wanna get you mad,
but I'd like to
get there on time.
RILEY: ( yells )
Look out, buddy!
That guy's in one big hurry.
Ah, watch it!
Watch it! Watch it!
Serves ya right, asshole!
( shouting )
Anything broken, Sam?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Are you all right?
TED:
Yeah, I'm fine, come on.
SAM:
Should we pay for this?
TED:
No, the Navy'll take care of it,
don't worry about this.
SAM: Of course. Of course.
I don't have my wallet on me,
or I'd pay you something.
Boris!
BORIS: Theodore.
Yes.
Samuel, Samuel!
Why are you smashing streets
on your wedding day?
SAM:
I gotta get to my wedding,
I'm late!
Get in! Get in!
It's locked!
Boris Potemkin
will deliver you...
Well, unlock it!
This is terrific!
Unlock the door!
I do not believe this.
Open,
he can't open the door.
Let's go! It's his own car
he can't open the door!
I've got a wedding to...
It's fine!
Who's gonna pay for that?
The Navy.
Good thing
you came along, Boris.
( Boris grunts )
I like your car.
Well, I, I, I, I drive
this product
of capitalist decadence
only to remind myself, daily,
how miserable I am
in your corrupt city.
( Russian theme playing )
Fortunately,
I can still listen
to the wonderful songs
of the Russian peasants,
with my
Kenwood 240-B amplifier.
With 24 R.M.S. watts
per channel.
And matching quadraphonics
that will absolutely
blow you up.
TED:
Blow you out.
Blow you out.
Eh, retractable roof.
Stolen from cosmonauts.
More power to the people!
( Russian theme playing )
Samuel.
Yeah.
Good luck, little brother.
All right.
See ya inside.
I'll find space.
They have valet parking.
I'll find space.
( murmurs of bridesmaids )
Not to worry, my dear.
I'm sure
he'll be here shortly.
I remember
waiting over nine hours
for a groom one time.
Now, there was a worried bride.
Actually, I'm not sure
that he showed up at all.
( crash )
Honey, I'm sorry,
I'm late...
oh, my!
Amanda,
you look beautiful.
Honey,
I'm sorry I'm late!
The ministers
starting throwing plates.
The Secretary threatened
to send me to Greenland!
And Ted rammed
a pile of petunias.
Oh, in that order?
Hon-- Cindy,
you look very nice.
Honey, I'm, I'm, ah
not exactly sure of the order,
but ah...
Hi ya, Reverend.
Ah...
( laughter )
Were you surprised,
it's from my heart.
Don't worry, Amanda,
I'll have him back
in ten minutes,
clean as a whistle!
Start the music, Reverend.
You know,
it's her mother's dress.
Yeah, right.
( indistinct )
Valentine's Day today?
What the hell's he doing?
( speaks in foreign language )
Hey.
Where've you guys been?
Don't ask.
Ah, Don, find a men's shop
and get a new shirt.
You'll find the size inside.
Hey, you look nice.
Milo, I'm gonna have to go
and get this cleaned.
Ah, make sure
he stays put.
Where am I gonna go
in my underwear?
I saw Amanda,
she's got a dress,
you know,
it was her mother's...
My shoes...
they're in the bride's,
they're in the bride's...
you know where it is?
It's down the hall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Bridal Suite.
It's down the hall.
Lots of girls there,
you'll recognize it.
Holy smokes!
( sigh )
Okay.
Fish balls and chicken guts.
Oh.
Amanda.
Go to Greenland.
I do.
Oh, Peter, you know,
I forgot my lighter
in my tux, too.
I was--
RILEY: Are you alone?
What?
RILEY: Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
RILEY:
Expecting anybody?
No. I'm not expecting anybody.
RILEY:
Oh, I think I broke my ankle
comin' up the fire escape.
Oh, God.
You guys are a little late
for a bachelor party,
don't you think?
RILEY:
It's not funny.
Lock the other door.
All right.
All right, I'll--
RILEY:
I'm not kidding!
Lock it!
( Sam groans )
Come on!
( moans ):
Ah, okay.
All right, don't, don't,
just don't hit me.
Just don't,
just don't hit me.
RILEY:
Lock it!
Come on, move!
Holy... what the...
RILEY:
Lock that door, right now!
Lock it!
All right. All right.
Where are ya?
Get the other door!
I'll get you, Riley!
RILEY:
Get outta my way!
( Fireplug grunts )
No, guns!
Think I'm a moron?
Where is he?
GREY:
Look! On the bed!
There!
There, Riley!
RILEY:
Aah! Oh, my ankle.
The chair!
( shouts ):
Shut up!
( Pug Face groans )
RILEY:
Beat it, punk!
( Riley grunting )
The window!
( breaking glass )
Ow!
RILEY: Enjoy the view.
RILEY:
Hey, Bush Face, over here.
That's it, over here.
Here I am.
Squaw Man!
Come on!
Come and get me.
Aw, come on, fellas,
you can find me.
Come on, over here.
Way to go, Grey.
Oh, look around!
FIREPLUG:
By the door! By the door!
( Grey growls )
( Riley groans )
( Grey shouts )
Oh, my God!
( Pug Face yells )
( evil laugh )
( Riley groaning )
GREY:
Look at 'im!
He deserves this!
( groans )
Traitor!
( grunting )
Where is it?
Where is it?
Goddamn you, Riley!
USHER: Sam?
( door shaking )
Sam?
( pounding )
I got your shoes.
He must've hidden it
in the car.
It's the only other place.
( pounding )
USHER: Sam?
( pounding )
Open the door, Sam.
Come on!
USHER:
Sam, are you in there?
Are you all right, Sam?
I'm gonna go find Ted.
( groans ):
Oh, my God!
( Riley moans )
Don't move.
Look, don't move.
I'll get a doctor.
( door rattles )
TED: Sam! Open up, old buddy.
It's your best man, Sam,
and I'm waiting.
RILEY:
There's no time.
Look under the sofa.
TED:
Sam! What's going on in there?
RILEY:
Get...
( moans )
( pounding on door )
TED:
This is not funny, Sam.
Amanda's on her way,
and she's upset.
Runkelman--
SAM:
Huh?
Get it to Runkelman.
AMANDA:
Samuel, open this door
immediately!
( knocking )
Did you hear me?
I said, immediately!
Sam, are you all right?
( labored speech ):
I, I can't stand it.
Take the knives out.
TED:
Sam, what the hell
are you doin' in there?
RILEY ( whispers ):
Please, take them out.
AMANDA:
Samuel, I've had enough of this.
TED:
Sam, this is no time
to chicken out!
( moans/dying gasps ):
Take it out.
AMANDA:
Sam, are you all right?
TED:
Sam...
The police
are down the hall.
Sam, there's a man standing here
with a badge and a gun.
He's not laughing.
AMANDA: First he's an hour late,
and now he's acting
like a mad man.
RILEY:
Take the other one.
TED:
Sam, open up!
POLICEMAN:
Open the door, right now!
AMANDA:
Samuel, I'm waiting out here.
( knocking )
Runkelman.
POLICEMAN:
Open this door!
I'm comin' in!
( pounding )
AMANDA:
What is wrong with him?
POLICEMAN:
This is your last chance!
Open this door!
( door kicked off hinges )
AMANDA:
Where is he?
( screams and gasps )
No! No!
Tell 'em what happened.
BRIDESMAID: He's nude!
Don't shoot!
MAN:
He's armed!
( gunshot )
TED:
Sam, wait! Don't run!
( door opens and shuts )
CINDY:
Don't shoot!
USHER:
Sam, give up!
( maid hums )
Where is he?
( maid speaks
in foreign language )
( prays ):
Please.
( dramatic theme playing )
Where is he?
Call headquarters
and get some men down here
to seal off the hotel!
Check all the rooms
on this floor.
I gotta find him before
these trigger-happy lunatics
turn him into Swiss cheese.
I think the ceremony
is going to be delayed,
my dear.
Perhaps you should
serve dinner to your guests.
They're probably
quite hungry by now.
And we can perform
the ceremony afterwards.
( knocking )
I'm canceling the ceremony.
I trust you're not
canceling dinner as well.
( knocking )
Excuse me,
do you work here?
No.
Ya know,
this is a service elevator,
employees only.
What is that,
a 40 regular?
No, it's a 38.
Phone for you.
What? Hello?
Look, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Are there any other exits
on this level?
CLERK:
No, no, none, none.
How about the garage?
Take out.
The garage?
CLERK:
Yes, two. Here and here.
( sirens )
What's the matter?
N-n-nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
Ah, excuse me.
What the hell is this?
What does he think?
Does he think--
OLDER MAN: I don't know.
( chain rattles )
( Grey breathes heavy )
PUG FACE:
...let Riley coldcock me, man.
( coughs and breathes heavy )
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Did you get it?
Ah, no, Mister Ten Duyck.
We, ah, we searched
Riley's car, his clothes.
He must've dropped it
along the way.
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Tell me, Carter,
do you think it likely
that Riley would have
dropped it...
after risking his life
to get it?
Ah, no, sir.
TEN DUYCK:
Then, he must have
given it to someone.
No, no, he couldn't have.
We were right behind him
every step of the way.
He didn't have a chance.
Riley was dead
when we left him!
He couldn't have
given it to him!
TEN DUYCK:
Klieg, was he dead
when you left?
He looked dead.
Yes.
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
You didn't make sure?
We couldn't.
The police were about to
come through the door.
We had to get outta there.
( loud whisper ):
I see.
Well, gentlemen...
( loud whisper )
this is more serious
than I thought.
A lot more serious.
Klieg...
Yes, Mister Ten Duyck.
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Find Cooper!
Find him before the police do!
And hope he doesn't realize
what he has in his possession!
Yes, sir!
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Now!
Yes, sir!
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Not you, Carter!
I have another job for you!
PUG FACE:
Carter's finished. That's it.
FIREPLUG:
So what?
( Grey screaming )
( dull thud )
( Pug Face laughs )
FIREPLUG:
Cops!
( whistle )
( running footsteps )
BLACK OFFICER:
Aw, man!
What the hell?
( dog barks )
( door opens )
Sorry, Sam,
she's not going to see you.
She won't even open
her bedroom door to talk to me!
Ooh, she'd never
believe it anyway.
( groans )
Let's see this head.
Oh! Thanks
for the first aid.
You're welcome.
Oh, that stings.
Hey, why don't you
give me a try?
I'll believe you.
Okay.
As I was saying...
there was this...
metal sphere.
This sphere in mid-air.
And a voice.
Just a voice.
And it said,
"I've broken my ankle."
And then it said,
"Lock the other door."
And then...
just as I was about to lock it,
the door popped open...
and the next thing I knew,
I was lying on the floor
beside a naked man
with two knives in his back.
And that was all?
No!
No, no, that... no.
Except...
for this.
Just before he died,
he told me, "Get it...
to Runkelman".
Who's Runkelman?
I wish I knew.
I don't even know
what that is.
Except I think that somebody
got killed over it.
Wow.
Hmm.
There's no smell.
Let's see what it does
to the table.
It's not acid.
( windchimes )
Don't touch it!
Cindy, a man got killed
over this stuff!
I'd like to find out
what it is!
It's kind of slippery.
I don't like this.
Let's get it analyzed.
Yeah, looks like
we'll have to.
Wait a minute,
I'll have to.
You're not gettin' involved.
Oh, I plan to get
very involved.
Oh, ya know,
you're very cute.
I'll send ya
hourly reports, okay?
( door slams )
She must be pretty pissed.
( dogs bark )
CINDY:
Sam!
SAM:
Yeah.
You're very pale!
I'm very pale.
You'd be pale too,
if the entire Washington, D.C.
police department
was out looking for you,
wouldn't you?
Not that pale!
Where is my hand?
Where's my other hand?
Wherever
the rest of you went!
What the heck.
What's happening to me?
Am I all gone!
You seem to be.
I, I can feel you!
I, I just can't see you.
Ah, this is great,
just great!
What if I don't come back?
That other man came back.
Oh, yeah, sure he did,
two seconds before he died!
Check it out!
( soft laugh ):
You asshole.
( car door shuts )
( footsteps )
You punk faggot!
At least the police will have
a hard time finding you.
Holy cow!
Looking like this,
anybody would have
a hard time finding me.
I can go anywhere.
The Treasury.
The Pentagon.
I can march
right into the Oval Office.
No wonder that poor guy
in the hotel
was killed for this stuff.
Yeah.
Sam!
Who are those guys?
They're, they're the ones
who broke into my hotel room!
( whistles ):
Cooper!
CINDY:
What are you doing?
I got an idea,
just get in the house.
I can't help
from the house.
I'm staying right here.
SAM:
Don't argue with me, Cindy.
I don't want you to get hurt.
They're not
going to do anything
out here in the open.
SAM: Just get inside! Now!
I said get in!
Move it!
Hand over the container, Cooper!
That's all we want.
Before things get
a little messy around here.
Messy.
Diplomatic douche.
Hey, ah, can we talk
about this, guys?
Maybe we can
make a little deal.
Let's get 'im before
he peels those clothes off!
PUG FACE:
The invisible wimp.
You guys are pushin' your lick.
FIREPLUG: Make a deal.
Oh, Cindy...
get in the house!
Sam, run!
SAM:
I'm running, I'm running!
( gunshots )
Gonna kill you, Cooper!
I'm gonna shoot
those hearts off your ass!
PUG FACE:
Get around him.
Well, get outta my way, you...
FIREPLUG:
( indistinct )
Get 'im!
Get up! Get up!
Get off me!
FIREPLUG:
( indistinct )
SAM:
Naw, that's the wrong size.
FIREPLUG:
What, are you blind?
( gunshots )
Hurry.
SAM:
I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying!
Hey, this is really a blast.
CINDY:
Well, I'm glad you think so.
Hang on!
SAM:
Wait! Stop the car!
CINDY:
What? What is it?
( squeal of brakes )
SAM:
This'll fix those cretins.
Here.
CINDY:
I can't believe you, Sam.
FIREPLUG:
The tires!
Bust 'em!
Bust 'em!
PUG FACE:
( indistinct )
SAM:
Mwah!
Was that a kiss?
SAM:
Well, it was sort of
a brotherly peck on the cheek.
Well, it's a start.
SAM:
What'd you say?
Nothing.
( mellow theme playing )
SAM:
Nice school.
Lots of girls.
CINDY:
Right.
SAM:
Well, if I'm like
the guy in the hotel,
I'll be comin' back.
So, I'll need some clothes.
CINDY:
I know.
I can go out
and buy you some.
SAM: Great.
GIRLS: Hi, Miss Worth.
CINDY:
Good morning, girls.
You can wait in my office
until I get back.
Sam?
( footsteps )
SAM:
Hi. Oops!
Windy day, huh?
What's your major?
Sam!
( footsteps )
SAM:
Stepped on a sharp rock,
that's all.
I'll bet!
( school bell rings )
You're not only barefooted,
you're stark naked,
in the middle
of a girl's school!
So, behave yourself!
SAM:
One kiss on the cheek,
and you act like
we've been married 40 years.
Aah.
Okay, what are your sizes?
SAM:
Okay, let's see,
ah, 15 collar,
32 sleeve, 45 waist...
( Cindy laughs softly )
...thirty-one.
Thirty-one.
You stay here!
SAM:
Hey, I'm rooted like a tree.
Oh, Cindy, gimme the sphere.
Thanks.
Okay, well, you might as well
make yourself comfortable.
There's cold drinks
in the 'fridge there,
right behind you.
SAM:
Oh, good. Thank you.
( Cindy laughs softly )
Bye.
SAM: Bye.
I won't be long.
SAM:
Take your time,
and hurry back.
( Cindy laughs )
SAM:
Hmmm. Runkelman.
( dialing mobile phone )
SAM:
Janet, this is Sam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
the police are lookin' for me.
That's why I need to find
the addresses of
everyone named Runkelman,
Runkelman, who lives
in the Washington area.
All right,
I'll call you.
Thanks, Janet.
Oh, shit!
She's gonna kill me.
I gotta find somethin'
to clean this up.
Well, maybe in here.
She has to have something.
Well, a towel or some--
( showers running )
Holy Toledo, Cooper,
you've died and gone to heaven.
Oh, my God,
lots of suds!
( moaning )
Easy, easy.
Keep your cool.
Keep your cool.
Oop.
Well, as long as I'm here...
help a little.
Thank you.
SAM:
You're welcome.
( screams )
Oh, my God!
SAM: Oh.
( screams )
Now, now girls.
There's...
nothing to be upset, ah--
Miss Worth,
there's someone in here!
It's just your
imagination, Terry.
I'm sure
that there's no one in here.
SAM:
Hey!
( slap )
Ow!
What was that?
Oh, my God!
Justice.
SAM:
What are you doin'
slappin' me like that?
I only came here
to clean somethin' up.
I was doin' it for you.
A grown man peeping
at little girls!
Terrible!
You know, I can't believe
that you did that!
You put my job in jeopardy.
SAM:
Cindy, would you just
look at the papers?
You don't understand.
You should be sorry
for what you've done.
SAM:
I am.
I truly am.
I am, I'm very,
very, very sorry.
CINDY: ( laughs )
You look it.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, little girl.
I've seen 'em before,
you know.
Seen what?
Bare feet.
( laughs ):
Precocious.
Thank you.
( Cindy laughs )
Cindy, you're not coming
and that's final.
I told you,
I don't want you involved.
Sam, I already am involved.
Those thugs
saw me drive you away.
Well, we'll have to
get you outta town.
Look, did I save
your ass or not?
( sighs ):
You did.
All right, then,
I've got rights.
Tough lady.
You bet.
All right.
Okay, we'll start by going
through the nine Runkelmans
listed as living
in Washington.
( panel hits seat back )
I suppose it is my fault.
If I hadn't driven
you and Ted to the hotel,
you would never
have become involved.
So...
do you have it with you?
I'm not that dumb, Boris.
BORIS:
No, no, of course not.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Your people
will get it out of you.
And if they can't,
they'll turn you over
to my people.
And, my people
will get it out of you.
( car horn )
I-I-I'm sorry,
I was nervous.
What do you mean,
"my people", Boris?
I'll let them
explain that to you.
So, ( sniff, sigh )
we will take my car, please.
Hmm?
Look, Boris, ah...
Cindy has nothing
to do with this.
Has she taken any of it?
No.
No.
But you have?
SAM:
Yes.
BORIS:
That is too bad.
That is too bad.
Look, Boris,
just let her go!
It's highly unprofessional.
But I suppose friendship
must count for something.
Yeah.
This never happened, young lady.
For your own sake.
None of it.
I understand.
Take this, please.
I don't want to litter.
Move your body
forward, please.
Samuel.
Samuel!
Come, Samuel.
Come, Samuel.
Come along.
( Russian music on car stereo )
I don't understand.
Why should our State Department
cooperate with yours?
If the United States
has the formula
and the Russians
have the formula,
then what good
is it to either?
But neither of us
wants to have it.
We want to destroy it!
It's destabilizing.
It's destabilizing?
You see, the world
is divided in half, hmm?
You control your half,
we control ours.
Everyone is very happy.
But if some third country
should get hold of this formula,
the entire balance
would be upset.
In the Kremlin,
my associates are turning white
at the prospect of
a hundred million
invisible Chinese
marching into Minsk.
That's destabilizing.
It is very destabilizing.
But Boris,
the thing that...
( Russian music on car stereo )
MAN 1:
First time for
the Washington Monument.
Come on, stone head,
make a left turn here.
MAN 2:
Gimme some of that beer.
MAN 1:
Buy your own.
Riley and I will take it up
to Ten Duyck.
Wait here.
Hey, Carter...
pick me up a hotdog
on the way back.
Yeah, get him a cobra
with mustard and mayonnaise.
Screw you.
Screw you.
What are you lookin' at?
The space between your teeth.
( dramatic theme playing )
( indistinct )
Mice!
Good afternoon, General.
General Podrido-Carnitas.
His excellency, General
Alejandro Podrido-Carnitas.
Ambassador
of the Republic of Argentina.
( speaks in foreign language )
Ambassador Hajji Rastafani.
Archipelago of Palawan.
Unhand me!
Don't grab me like that!
( continues gibberish )
Rastafani, Palawan!
SAM:
Mister Ambassador.
Welcome, it's good
to see you again.
I can assure you,
Mister Cooper,
that my government
will file a sharp protest
over this shoddy treatment
of its dutifully
accredited representative,
um, oh yes.
The United States
values the friendship of Palawan
very highly, Mister Ambassador.
If you've been treated
discourteously,
I'll see
that whoever's responsible
is reprimanded.
Well, then you can start
with whoever is responsible
for the food.
In every other room,
they are being served caviar,
and quail, and fresh fruit,
and bananas.
And what do we get here?
( laugh )
Chicken balls
and fish guts.
Chicken giblets,
Mister Ambassador.
I know chicken balls
when I see them...
h-however briefly.
You-hoo, just a moment.
Don't go 'way.
You, just a...
Hi.
( Grey grunts and gasps )
( coughs and gags )
I ah, I forgot my camera.
I'll be right back.
( Grey coughs )
Look out. Look out!
WOMAN:
Hey, where you goin'?
Get outta my way!
Sir, that's not
a twist-off.
Is Rastafani filing
another protest?
Frankly, Hassan,
I don't blame him.
Oh, there has clearly been
a mistake, Tohfa.
There is no way
in the world
that your country
can be seated ahead of mine.
Their countries are pimples!
At best.
I told them to give us
a round table.
What do you think
you are doing, you Amazon?
( grunts )
Ha!
Excuse me.
Whatta you...
( speaking in foreign language )
Sam!
You're supposed to be
walkin' down the aisle
in 15 minutes.
I know. I know!
I know!
Yuck.
( Rastafani growls )
( shouts )
( sighs )
Come here,
you bloody bastard!
Huh?
Come here, Riley.
Stop! Come here!
Hey!
Where's Riley goin'?
Let's go!
What's he doin'?
Come on,
move the bottle, huh?
Drive, let's go!
Drive, drive, drive!
Ladies and gentlemen, please!
Schmucks!
Come on,
let's get outta here.
You can't help this.
SAM:
I can't just...
Whoops, excuse me, you okay?
I'm not doing a very good job
as your best man.
Oh, it's my fault...
but Amanda will be furious.
Have you ever seen
Amanda furious?
I once saw her
mildly annoyed.
Well, then you know
what I mean.
Are you Cooper?
Yes.
The Assistant Secretary
wants to see you!
I'm, I'm late for a wedding.
Well, then I'd count on
being even later.
You don't understand,
it's, it's my wedding.
Well, then you have
nothing to worry about.
They can't start
without you.
This guy's great, huh?
Wait here.
Great! Great!
( both sigh )
( protesters shouting )
PUG FACE:
He's over there!
FIREPLUG:
Well, move it!
DRIVER:
I'm movin'!
I'm movin'!
( indistinct shouting )
GREY:
Stop! Catch him!
Catch him!
I'm gonna kill him!
FIREPLUG:
Hurry up!
Get him, will you?
Get him!
Get him! Get him!
CHIEF:
Riley!
( indistinct )
FIREPLUG:
Hop in! Hop in!
GREY:
Follow that man!
Follow that car!
I'm going to be late
for my wedding.
I can't believe it.
Well, tell 'em.
Excuse me.
Psst.
I gotta be--
The Assistant Secretary
will see you
as soon as
his schedule permits.
I'm not crazy
about that guy.
( squeal of tires )
I can hardly wait
to twist his ass!
You should've
caught 'im before!
Shut up!
I'm callin' the shots here!
Now, drive!
Cooper!
Yes.
I have tried to keep
your duties circumscribed,
Cooper!
Sir--
AIDE:
Cooper, don't interrupt
when the Secretary's speaking.
You have
an inexhaustible supply
of new ways
to be found wanting.
I understand that crockery,
12-inch dinner plates,
property of
the United States Government,
and numerous other forms
of our national condiments,
were used in an impromptu game
of football by your charges!
SAM:
Mister Secretary,
they were upset!
Evidently!
Sir, those folks
are so thoroughly
ignored by everyone
that it makes them...
well, it makes them
a little crazy.
Those folks,
as you so quaintly put it,
represent countries
whose collective budgets
couldn't even cover
the cost of replacing
the dinner plates,
or peanut barrels!
And I'm not
ignoring them.
I have given them you.
Your job is to see that they
limit their hostile acts
to diplomatic notes,
or self mutilation!
If you cannot do so,
there is always Post 361.
( mouths ):
Three sixty-one?
In Greenland.
( Sam sighs )
All right, now,
on to the next disaster.
Facing Amanda.
That won't be so tough.
Come on.
( bridesmaids giggle )
You look stunning, Mandy.
I wish Uncle Joe were here
to give you away.
He's our only family left.
How can you count on
a senile old scientist,
who's always trying
to save the world
with his chemistry set?
And where's
Mister Samuel Cooper?
Judy, go down and check again,
would you, please?
All he had to do
was travel a few miles
across town, and not get lost.
He's doing this
just to embarrass me!
Sam wouldn't do that, Mandy.
It's probably just something
out of his control.
Sam's whole life
is out of his control.
Listen, this is
your last chance,
you wanna change your mind?
Are you crazy?
A girl like Amanda?
She's great.
I don't know.
This is it.
( squeal of tires )
( screams and yells )
Come on, pick up speed,
will ya?
What the hell you want
from me, shut up!
Oh, wait a minute,
I almost forgot.
The Ambassador of Hong Kong,
Ambassador Chang gave me these.
TED:
What's this?
They're ah, pills
for the wedding night.
I know this stuff.
This is for hemorrhoids.
Pardon?
Go on, drive!
I want him dead!
I want that bastard dead,
go on!
Ted, can you hurry up, please?
I'm goin' as fast as I can.
All right. I'm sorry,
Just relax.
I don't wanna get you mad,
but I'd like to
get there on time.
RILEY: ( yells )
Look out, buddy!
That guy's in one big hurry.
Ah, watch it!
Watch it! Watch it!
Serves ya right, asshole!
( shouting )
Anything broken, Sam?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Are you all right?
TED:
Yeah, I'm fine, come on.
SAM:
Should we pay for this?
TED:
No, the Navy'll take care of it,
don't worry about this.
SAM: Of course. Of course.
I don't have my wallet on me,
or I'd pay you something.
Boris!
BORIS: Theodore.
Yes.
Samuel, Samuel!
Why are you smashing streets
on your wedding day?
SAM:
I gotta get to my wedding,
I'm late!
Get in! Get in!
It's locked!
Boris Potemkin
will deliver you...
Well, unlock it!
This is terrific!
Unlock the door!
I do not believe this.
Open,
he can't open the door.
Let's go! It's his own car
he can't open the door!
I've got a wedding to...
It's fine!
Who's gonna pay for that?
The Navy.
Good thing
you came along, Boris.
( Boris grunts )
I like your car.
Well, I, I, I, I drive
this product
of capitalist decadence
only to remind myself, daily,
how miserable I am
in your corrupt city.
( Russian theme playing )
Fortunately,
I can still listen
to the wonderful songs
of the Russian peasants,
with my
Kenwood 240-B amplifier.
With 24 R.M.S. watts
per channel.
And matching quadraphonics
that will absolutely
blow you up.
TED:
Blow you out.
Blow you out.
Eh, retractable roof.
Stolen from cosmonauts.
More power to the people!
( Russian theme playing )
Samuel.
Yeah.
Good luck, little brother.
All right.
See ya inside.
I'll find space.
They have valet parking.
I'll find space.
( murmurs of bridesmaids )
Not to worry, my dear.
I'm sure
he'll be here shortly.
I remember
waiting over nine hours
for a groom one time.
Now, there was a worried bride.
Actually, I'm not sure
that he showed up at all.
( crash )
Honey, I'm sorry,
I'm late...
oh, my!
Amanda,
you look beautiful.
Honey,
I'm sorry I'm late!
The ministers
starting throwing plates.
The Secretary threatened
to send me to Greenland!
And Ted rammed
a pile of petunias.
Oh, in that order?
Hon-- Cindy,
you look very nice.
Honey, I'm, I'm, ah
not exactly sure of the order,
but ah...
Hi ya, Reverend.
Ah...
( laughter )
Were you surprised,
it's from my heart.
Don't worry, Amanda,
I'll have him back
in ten minutes,
clean as a whistle!
Start the music, Reverend.
You know,
it's her mother's dress.
Yeah, right.
( indistinct )
Valentine's Day today?
What the hell's he doing?
( speaks in foreign language )
Hey.
Where've you guys been?
Don't ask.
Ah, Don, find a men's shop
and get a new shirt.
You'll find the size inside.
Hey, you look nice.
Milo, I'm gonna have to go
and get this cleaned.
Ah, make sure
he stays put.
Where am I gonna go
in my underwear?
I saw Amanda,
she's got a dress,
you know,
it was her mother's...
My shoes...
they're in the bride's,
they're in the bride's...
you know where it is?
It's down the hall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Bridal Suite.
It's down the hall.
Lots of girls there,
you'll recognize it.
Holy smokes!
( sigh )
Okay.
Fish balls and chicken guts.
Oh.
Amanda.
Go to Greenland.
I do.
Oh, Peter, you know,
I forgot my lighter
in my tux, too.
I was--
RILEY: Are you alone?
What?
RILEY: Are you alone?
Yeah, I'm alone.
RILEY:
Expecting anybody?
No. I'm not expecting anybody.
RILEY:
Oh, I think I broke my ankle
comin' up the fire escape.
Oh, God.
You guys are a little late
for a bachelor party,
don't you think?
RILEY:
It's not funny.
Lock the other door.
All right.
All right, I'll--
RILEY:
I'm not kidding!
Lock it!
( Sam groans )
Come on!
( moans ):
Ah, okay.
All right, don't, don't,
just don't hit me.
Just don't,
just don't hit me.
RILEY:
Lock it!
Come on, move!
Holy... what the...
RILEY:
Lock that door, right now!
Lock it!
All right. All right.
Where are ya?
Get the other door!
I'll get you, Riley!
RILEY:
Get outta my way!
( Fireplug grunts )
No, guns!
Think I'm a moron?
Where is he?
GREY:
Look! On the bed!
There!
There, Riley!
RILEY:
Aah! Oh, my ankle.
The chair!
( shouts ):
Shut up!
( Pug Face groans )
RILEY:
Beat it, punk!
( Riley grunting )
The window!
( breaking glass )
Ow!
RILEY: Enjoy the view.
RILEY:
Hey, Bush Face, over here.
That's it, over here.
Here I am.
Squaw Man!
Come on!
Come and get me.
Aw, come on, fellas,
you can find me.
Come on, over here.
Way to go, Grey.
Oh, look around!
FIREPLUG:
By the door! By the door!
( Grey growls )
( Riley groans )
( Grey shouts )
Oh, my God!
( Pug Face yells )
( evil laugh )
( Riley groaning )
GREY:
Look at 'im!
He deserves this!
( groans )
Traitor!
( grunting )
Where is it?
Where is it?
Goddamn you, Riley!
USHER: Sam?
( door shaking )
Sam?
( pounding )
I got your shoes.
He must've hidden it
in the car.
It's the only other place.
( pounding )
USHER: Sam?
( pounding )
Open the door, Sam.
Come on!
USHER:
Sam, are you in there?
Are you all right, Sam?
I'm gonna go find Ted.
( groans ):
Oh, my God!
( Riley moans )
Don't move.
Look, don't move.
I'll get a doctor.
( door rattles )
TED: Sam! Open up, old buddy.
It's your best man, Sam,
and I'm waiting.
RILEY:
There's no time.
Look under the sofa.
TED:
Sam! What's going on in there?
RILEY:
Get...
( moans )
( pounding on door )
TED:
This is not funny, Sam.
Amanda's on her way,
and she's upset.
Runkelman--
SAM:
Huh?
Get it to Runkelman.
AMANDA:
Samuel, open this door
immediately!
( knocking )
Did you hear me?
I said, immediately!
Sam, are you all right?
( labored speech ):
I, I can't stand it.
Take the knives out.
TED:
Sam, what the hell
are you doin' in there?
RILEY ( whispers ):
Please, take them out.
AMANDA:
Samuel, I've had enough of this.
TED:
Sam, this is no time
to chicken out!
( moans/dying gasps ):
Take it out.
AMANDA:
Sam, are you all right?
TED:
Sam...
The police
are down the hall.
Sam, there's a man standing here
with a badge and a gun.
He's not laughing.
AMANDA: First he's an hour late,
and now he's acting
like a mad man.
RILEY:
Take the other one.
TED:
Sam, open up!
POLICEMAN:
Open the door, right now!
AMANDA:
Samuel, I'm waiting out here.
( knocking )
Runkelman.
POLICEMAN:
Open this door!
I'm comin' in!
( pounding )
AMANDA:
What is wrong with him?
POLICEMAN:
This is your last chance!
Open this door!
( door kicked off hinges )
AMANDA:
Where is he?
( screams and gasps )
No! No!
Tell 'em what happened.
BRIDESMAID: He's nude!
Don't shoot!
MAN:
He's armed!
( gunshot )
TED:
Sam, wait! Don't run!
( door opens and shuts )
CINDY:
Don't shoot!
USHER:
Sam, give up!
( maid hums )
Where is he?
( maid speaks
in foreign language )
( prays ):
Please.
( dramatic theme playing )
Where is he?
Call headquarters
and get some men down here
to seal off the hotel!
Check all the rooms
on this floor.
I gotta find him before
these trigger-happy lunatics
turn him into Swiss cheese.
I think the ceremony
is going to be delayed,
my dear.
Perhaps you should
serve dinner to your guests.
They're probably
quite hungry by now.
And we can perform
the ceremony afterwards.
( knocking )
I'm canceling the ceremony.
I trust you're not
canceling dinner as well.
( knocking )
Excuse me,
do you work here?
No.
Ya know,
this is a service elevator,
employees only.
What is that,
a 40 regular?
No, it's a 38.
Phone for you.
What? Hello?
Look, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Are there any other exits
on this level?
CLERK:
No, no, none, none.
How about the garage?
Take out.
The garage?
CLERK:
Yes, two. Here and here.
( sirens )
What's the matter?
N-n-nothing.
Nothing's the matter.
Ah, excuse me.
What the hell is this?
What does he think?
Does he think--
OLDER MAN: I don't know.
( chain rattles )
( Grey breathes heavy )
PUG FACE:
...let Riley coldcock me, man.
( coughs and breathes heavy )
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Did you get it?
Ah, no, Mister Ten Duyck.
We, ah, we searched
Riley's car, his clothes.
He must've dropped it
along the way.
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Tell me, Carter,
do you think it likely
that Riley would have
dropped it...
after risking his life
to get it?
Ah, no, sir.
TEN DUYCK:
Then, he must have
given it to someone.
No, no, he couldn't have.
We were right behind him
every step of the way.
He didn't have a chance.
Riley was dead
when we left him!
He couldn't have
given it to him!
TEN DUYCK:
Klieg, was he dead
when you left?
He looked dead.
Yes.
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
You didn't make sure?
We couldn't.
The police were about to
come through the door.
We had to get outta there.
( loud whisper ):
I see.
Well, gentlemen...
( loud whisper )
this is more serious
than I thought.
A lot more serious.
Klieg...
Yes, Mister Ten Duyck.
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Find Cooper!
Find him before the police do!
And hope he doesn't realize
what he has in his possession!
Yes, sir!
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Now!
Yes, sir!
TEN DUYCK ( loud whisper ):
Not you, Carter!
I have another job for you!
PUG FACE:
Carter's finished. That's it.
FIREPLUG:
So what?
( Grey screaming )
( dull thud )
( Pug Face laughs )
FIREPLUG:
Cops!
( whistle )
( running footsteps )
BLACK OFFICER:
Aw, man!
What the hell?
( dog barks )
( door opens )
Sorry, Sam,
she's not going to see you.
She won't even open
her bedroom door to talk to me!
Ooh, she'd never
believe it anyway.
( groans )
Let's see this head.
Oh! Thanks
for the first aid.
You're welcome.
Oh, that stings.
Hey, why don't you
give me a try?
I'll believe you.
Okay.
As I was saying...
there was this...
metal sphere.
This sphere in mid-air.
And a voice.
Just a voice.
And it said,
"I've broken my ankle."
And then it said,
"Lock the other door."
And then...
just as I was about to lock it,
the door popped open...
and the next thing I knew,
I was lying on the floor
beside a naked man
with two knives in his back.
And that was all?
No!
No, no, that... no.
Except...
for this.
Just before he died,
he told me, "Get it...
to Runkelman".
Who's Runkelman?
I wish I knew.
I don't even know
what that is.
Except I think that somebody
got killed over it.
Wow.
Hmm.
There's no smell.
Let's see what it does
to the table.
It's not acid.
( windchimes )
Don't touch it!
Cindy, a man got killed
over this stuff!
I'd like to find out
what it is!
It's kind of slippery.
I don't like this.
Let's get it analyzed.
Yeah, looks like
we'll have to.
Wait a minute,
I'll have to.
You're not gettin' involved.
Oh, I plan to get
very involved.
Oh, ya know,
you're very cute.
I'll send ya
hourly reports, okay?
( door slams )
She must be pretty pissed.
( dogs bark )
CINDY:
Sam!
SAM:
Yeah.
You're very pale!
I'm very pale.
You'd be pale too,
if the entire Washington, D.C.
police department
was out looking for you,
wouldn't you?
Not that pale!
Where is my hand?
Where's my other hand?
Wherever
the rest of you went!
What the heck.
What's happening to me?
Am I all gone!
You seem to be.
I, I can feel you!
I, I just can't see you.
Ah, this is great,
just great!
What if I don't come back?
That other man came back.
Oh, yeah, sure he did,
two seconds before he died!
Check it out!
( soft laugh ):
You asshole.
( car door shuts )
( footsteps )
You punk faggot!
At least the police will have
a hard time finding you.
Holy cow!
Looking like this,
anybody would have
a hard time finding me.
I can go anywhere.
The Treasury.
The Pentagon.
I can march
right into the Oval Office.
No wonder that poor guy
in the hotel
was killed for this stuff.
Yeah.
Sam!
Who are those guys?
They're, they're the ones
who broke into my hotel room!
( whistles ):
Cooper!
CINDY:
What are you doing?
I got an idea,
just get in the house.
I can't help
from the house.
I'm staying right here.
SAM:
Don't argue with me, Cindy.
I don't want you to get hurt.
They're not
going to do anything
out here in the open.
SAM: Just get inside! Now!
I said get in!
Move it!
Hand over the container, Cooper!
That's all we want.
Before things get
a little messy around here.
Messy.
Diplomatic douche.
Hey, ah, can we talk
about this, guys?
Maybe we can
make a little deal.
Let's get 'im before
he peels those clothes off!
PUG FACE:
The invisible wimp.
You guys are pushin' your lick.
FIREPLUG: Make a deal.
Oh, Cindy...
get in the house!
Sam, run!
SAM:
I'm running, I'm running!
( gunshots )
Gonna kill you, Cooper!
I'm gonna shoot
those hearts off your ass!
PUG FACE:
Get around him.
Well, get outta my way, you...
FIREPLUG:
( indistinct )
Get 'im!
Get up! Get up!
Get off me!
FIREPLUG:
( indistinct )
SAM:
Naw, that's the wrong size.
FIREPLUG:
What, are you blind?
( gunshots )
Hurry.
SAM:
I'm hurrying! I'm hurrying!
Hey, this is really a blast.
CINDY:
Well, I'm glad you think so.
Hang on!
SAM:
Wait! Stop the car!
CINDY:
What? What is it?
( squeal of brakes )
SAM:
This'll fix those cretins.
Here.
CINDY:
I can't believe you, Sam.
FIREPLUG:
The tires!
Bust 'em!
Bust 'em!
PUG FACE:
( indistinct )
SAM:
Mwah!
Was that a kiss?
SAM:
Well, it was sort of
a brotherly peck on the cheek.
Well, it's a start.
SAM:
What'd you say?
Nothing.
( mellow theme playing )
SAM:
Nice school.
Lots of girls.
CINDY:
Right.
SAM:
Well, if I'm like
the guy in the hotel,
I'll be comin' back.
So, I'll need some clothes.
CINDY:
I know.
I can go out
and buy you some.
SAM: Great.
GIRLS: Hi, Miss Worth.
CINDY:
Good morning, girls.
You can wait in my office
until I get back.
Sam?
( footsteps )
SAM:
Hi. Oops!
Windy day, huh?
What's your major?
Sam!
( footsteps )
SAM:
Stepped on a sharp rock,
that's all.
I'll bet!
( school bell rings )
You're not only barefooted,
you're stark naked,
in the middle
of a girl's school!
So, behave yourself!
SAM:
One kiss on the cheek,
and you act like
we've been married 40 years.
Aah.
Okay, what are your sizes?
SAM:
Okay, let's see,
ah, 15 collar,
32 sleeve, 45 waist...
( Cindy laughs softly )
...thirty-one.
Thirty-one.
You stay here!
SAM:
Hey, I'm rooted like a tree.
Oh, Cindy, gimme the sphere.
Thanks.
Okay, well, you might as well
make yourself comfortable.
There's cold drinks
in the 'fridge there,
right behind you.
SAM:
Oh, good. Thank you.
( Cindy laughs softly )
Bye.
SAM: Bye.
I won't be long.
SAM:
Take your time,
and hurry back.
( Cindy laughs )
SAM:
Hmmm. Runkelman.
( dialing mobile phone )
SAM:
Janet, this is Sam.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
the police are lookin' for me.
That's why I need to find
the addresses of
everyone named Runkelman,
Runkelman, who lives
in the Washington area.
All right,
I'll call you.
Thanks, Janet.
Oh, shit!
She's gonna kill me.
I gotta find somethin'
to clean this up.
Well, maybe in here.
She has to have something.
Well, a towel or some--
( showers running )
Holy Toledo, Cooper,
you've died and gone to heaven.
Oh, my God,
lots of suds!
( moaning )
Easy, easy.
Keep your cool.
Keep your cool.
Oop.
Well, as long as I'm here...
help a little.
Thank you.
SAM:
You're welcome.
( screams )
Oh, my God!
SAM: Oh.
( screams )
Now, now girls.
There's...
nothing to be upset, ah--
Miss Worth,
there's someone in here!
It's just your
imagination, Terry.
I'm sure
that there's no one in here.
SAM:
Hey!
( slap )
Ow!
What was that?
Oh, my God!
Justice.
SAM:
What are you doin'
slappin' me like that?
I only came here
to clean somethin' up.
I was doin' it for you.
A grown man peeping
at little girls!
Terrible!
You know, I can't believe
that you did that!
You put my job in jeopardy.
SAM:
Cindy, would you just
look at the papers?
You don't understand.
You should be sorry
for what you've done.
SAM:
I am.
I truly am.
I am, I'm very,
very, very sorry.
CINDY: ( laughs )
You look it.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey, hey, little girl.
I've seen 'em before,
you know.
Seen what?
Bare feet.
( laughs ):
Precocious.
Thank you.
( Cindy laughs )
Cindy, you're not coming
and that's final.
I told you,
I don't want you involved.
Sam, I already am involved.
Those thugs
saw me drive you away.
Well, we'll have to
get you outta town.
Look, did I save
your ass or not?
( sighs ):
You did.
All right, then,
I've got rights.
Tough lady.
You bet.
All right.
Okay, we'll start by going
through the nine Runkelmans
listed as living
in Washington.
( panel hits seat back )
I suppose it is my fault.
If I hadn't driven
you and Ted to the hotel,
you would never
have become involved.
So...
do you have it with you?
I'm not that dumb, Boris.
BORIS:
No, no, of course not.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Your people
will get it out of you.
And if they can't,
they'll turn you over
to my people.
And, my people
will get it out of you.
( car horn )
I-I-I'm sorry,
I was nervous.
What do you mean,
"my people", Boris?
I'll let them
explain that to you.
So, ( sniff, sigh )
we will take my car, please.
Hmm?
Look, Boris, ah...
Cindy has nothing
to do with this.
Has she taken any of it?
No.
No.
But you have?
SAM:
Yes.
BORIS:
That is too bad.
That is too bad.
Look, Boris,
just let her go!
It's highly unprofessional.
But I suppose friendship
must count for something.
Yeah.
This never happened, young lady.
For your own sake.
None of it.
I understand.
Take this, please.
I don't want to litter.
Move your body
forward, please.
Samuel.
Samuel!
Come, Samuel.
Come, Samuel.
Come along.
( Russian music on car stereo )
I don't understand.
Why should our State Department
cooperate with yours?
If the United States
has the formula
and the Russians
have the formula,
then what good
is it to either?
But neither of us
wants to have it.
We want to destroy it!
It's destabilizing.
It's destabilizing?
You see, the world
is divided in half, hmm?
You control your half,
we control ours.
Everyone is very happy.
But if some third country
should get hold of this formula,
the entire balance
would be upset.
In the Kremlin,
my associates are turning white
at the prospect of
a hundred million
invisible Chinese
marching into Minsk.
That's destabilizing.
It is very destabilizing.
But Boris,
the thing that...
( Russian music on car stereo )