The Little Tin Man (2013) - full transcript

Director:All right, let's
get last looks on these guys

and let's do it again.

and

action.

Santa:(laughs)

Herman:Gees, Santa.

Only a few billion left to go

on the naughty list spreadsheet

and you're already
dozing off again.

Director:Cut!

All right, let's go
back to one, people!



And try it again, please?

Action!

Santa:(snores and laughs)

(coughs)

Herman:Gees, Santa.

Only a few billion left to go

on the naughty list spreadsheet

and you're already
dozing off again.

Santa:I gotta
check it twice but-

Director:Cut!

Nick!

Great stuff.

The ho's, really fantastic,
don't change a thing.

Herman on this next tape,



I want you to think about
the children of the world,

walking down, Christmas Day,

to find their trees empty

because you haven't
done your job

by waking Santa up to
check the naughty list!

Herman, god forbid!

A nice kid ends up
there by accident!

Let's try it again, guys!

All right!

Take it back.

This is the martini.

We're gonna finish it up,

wrap it up,

put a ribbon on it.

Okay, and rolling and

action!

Herman:Gees, Santa!

Only a few billion left to go

on the naughty list spreadsheet

Director:You know, I
don't wanna be here.

Do you wanna be here?

Crew guy:I don't know man.

This sucks.

Director:I know,
it's an energy drink.

Herman:The only way to
make it around the world

is with this!

The only energy drink
with the legal limit

of nitroglycerine!

Santa:(chuckles)
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Herman:Rocket Fuel!

The cure for the common suck!

Director:And

cut!

Herman!

Nailed it buddy.

Thank you so much.

I really believe
that you are one

of Santa's elves
and not a midget.

Herman:Please
don't call me that.

Director:Guys, can
we check the gate?

Crew guy:Gate's good!

Director:Good gate!

That's a wrap, guys.

Thank you so much,
really great stuff.

(bell ringing)

Street singers:* (lyrics) I
keep on trying but I come up

short

I need a little help

A little support

I can't stop making big plans

I just wanna be the bigger man

and I'll be the bigger man

Don't overlook me

Don't overlook me

Don't pass me by

Don't pass me by

I'm doing the best

That I can

Yes, I'll be the bigger man

I keep on trying but
they sell me short

I need a little help

A little support

I keep on hoping
there's a bigger man

I just wanna be the
bigger man, yeah

Yeah, I'll be the bigger man

I'll be the bigger
man (clapping hands)

Thank God and I'll
be the bigger man

I'll be the bigger man, hey, hey

I'll be the bigger man

Oh, right now

I'll be the bigger man

I will be the bigger man

I'll be the bigger man

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'll be the bigger man

Yes, I'll be the bigger man *

(light jazz music)

Herman:Miller!

Miller:Hey, you!

Herman:I've got a
top order table.

Probably displaying I
heart New York t-shirts.

Miller:Oh, do not be afraid

to add gratuity to their bill.

Herman:One step ahead of you.

So, how's the boyfriend thing?

Miller:Ah, we broke up.

Herman:What happened?

Miller:Turns out,
he doesn't like me.

I really thought this
one was going somewhere.

Herman:Don't be so
hard on yourself.

It's just a few weeks.

Miller:Six.

But my first kiss
was at my door.

Ah, my door.

I'm used to it being in a bar.

I keep getting into
these relationships

that go absolutely nowhere

and I should probably
just be single

for the rest of my life.

Hey, so how was your commercial?

Herman:Oh, another day
of candy cane Spandex.

Miller:It's your third
elf shoot this month.

Herman:Hey, when your ass
looks this good in tights,

speed dial. (Miller chuckles)

How's your audition?

Miller:Um, I didn't go.

Herman:Miller!

Miller:The role was for me
to seduce some Russian thug.

I am not a seductress.

I cannot seduce anything

and I get all
nervous and insecure

and then my hands are shaking

and I just, I
can't deal with it.

Herman:Maybe you can play
somebody extremely cold.

Miller:(chuckles)

I don't know I think I
need an agent or something.

Herman:I gave you
Tyrone's number.

Miller:I said an
agent, not a pimp.

Herman:There you go.

And now, what can I get you?

Tourist Mom:I'd like to
have a green salad please.

Tourist Dad:And I'll have the
grilled rib-eye, extra well.

Tourist Mom:Honey, I
thought we were on a budget?

Tourist Dad:We are on a budget.

Make this a two-income household

instead of one-income,

we would have more
budget conversations.

Tourist Son:(scoffs)
You're such a hypocrite!

Tourist Dad:Say it again
and we're gonna yank you

out of that frou-frou school
that taught you that word.

Tourist Son:I'm
not afraid of you!

Tourist Dad:Yes, you are.

Herman:I'll go put
your orders in.

Juan:Hey, Mr. Herman.

Herman:Juan, how are you?

Juan:Fine, thank you.

How was your commercial?

Herman:Oh, I'm already
tired of talking about it.

How about you though?

Have you seen any movies
you can recommend?

Juan:I went to [film
fare] last week

and I saw a great
French one by Truffaut.

Herman:You know French?

Juan:I read the subtitles.

Herman:Subtitles, oh.

That's too much
multitasking for me.

Juan:Hey, Mr. Herman.

If you're not busy,
could you please take

this up to the bar?

Herman:Sure.

Juan:Thank you, Mr. Herman.

Herman:No problem, my friend.

Pete:You meet anybody then?

Customer:Yep.

Pete:Really.

Somebody saw?

I knew that.

Oh, thanks, little man.

I was getting pretty low.

Oh, that was funny.

Come on, you get it?

Herman:Yeah, my name is Herman.

Pete:Well, my name is Pete.

Nice to meet you.

Herman:Haven't seen
you here before.

Pete:You're right, you haven't.

First day.

Herman:It's a great
place to work.

Pete:Beats unemployment

and used to be a producer
over at Rachael Ray.

Herman:Never seen it.

Pete:Never seen Rachael Ray?

She's a cultural icon.

I mean who else could say

that they cook homemade
ravioli during an interview

with [Cole Cody]-

Herman:Sorry, dude.

If Ryan Seacrest isn't hosting,

I'm not watching.

Pete:Seacrest, man.

Yeah, well, Rach might
be a little high brow

for you anyway.

Herman:Enjoy your clean glasses.

Pete:All right,
thanks, little man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Little man, come on back here.

Do me a favor and
run these things back

to the kitchen, there's
spots all over them.

Herman:First off,
I'm not your busboy,

secondly, my mother
owns this restaurant,

so you might wanna try
remembering my name.

Pete:Wait, your mom
owns this restaurant.

Herman:Yup.

Juan:[sings in foreign language]

Herman:Juan, have
you seen Gregg?

Juan:I think he went
to the storage room.

Gregg:(sobbing)

Herman:What are you doing?

Order up.

Gregg:Herman

I can't.

Something terrible has happened.

Herman:You can't react
this way every time

somebody sends a dish back.

Gregg:Herman, that
happened two times.

Three maybe.

Herman:So, what's wrong?

Gregg:(cries) Herman.

Herman:Gregg, I don't have
time for a guessing game.

Come on.

Gregg:Mom died.

(funeral music)

Bouncer:And where are
you going, little man?

Herman:It's my mother's wake.

Bouncer:Not until I see some ID.

Herman:For what?

Bouncer:For the open bar.

Everybody's up on the roof.

Hula Girl:Aloha!

Herman:No thanks.

I didn't come here to get laid.

[inaudible conversation]

Pelvis:(singing Hawaiian song)

Tyrone, who invited you?

Tyrone:Ha, ha, Herman!

I heard the news.

Sorry about your mama, baby.

Herman:Yeah, me too.

Tyrone:Well, how'd you do

on that Rocket Fuel
commercial thing?

You make us some money.

Herman:Your 15%'s in the mail.

Tyrone:Oh really?

See, I thought we agreed on 50.

All right, I'm just
messing with you.

Herman:Where is the casket?

Tyrone:I think I saw a
floatie over there (chuckles).

Hey, I don't know if
this is a good time

to talk business-

Herman:It's not.

Tyrone:All right.

I got you an audition
for a made-for-TV

Christmas movie, Santa
Claus gets arrested

for using child labor
when the elves go

on a union strike.

You're gonna a
tiny teamster baby.

A gumdrop Jimmy Hoffa.

Herman:I'm speechless.

Tyrone:Hey, come on, Herman.

Let me buy you a drink.

It's on me.

Herman:I'll pass.

Pelvis:(singing Hawaiian song)

Miller:Hey, you.

Aww.

I'm sorry for your loss.

How you holding up?

Herman:I thought I'd feel
really depressed today

but when I walked in and saw
that coconut bikini right here,

all seems right in the world.

Miller:The hula
girl got confidence.

Herman:Truly.

Miller:I didn't think
they'd be celebrating

your mom's passing like this.

Herman:Miller, it's
news to me too.

Miller:It's a really
fun party though.

Herman:Miller.

Miller:Mm?

Herman:Have you seen Gregg?

I need to have a
few words with him.

Gregg:Attention, attention.

Can I have everybody's
attention please?

Hello, my name is
Gregg Campieche.

Camilla is my mother.

I am her youngest son.

You know, all our lives,

my older brother Herman and
I wanted to bring our mother

to the tropical island
paradise of Hawaii.

We wanted to have the wind
blow through our hair,

have the sand in
between our toes,

the sun basting our skin like
a butterball turkey (chuckles)

but that never happened.

So, today, I wanted to
bring Waikiki to her.

(chuckles) And now, I'd
like to raise a toast, mm?

To a wonderful woman,

a loving mother,

and my best friend,

Camilla Rose Mitchell Campieche.

Mm, oh my god.

This is like a party in your
mouth everybody. (chuckles)

Oh, this is my older
brother, Herman.

Herman, do you wanna
say a few words?

Herman:What the hell
is wrong with you?

Mom never asked for a carnival.

Gregg:I thought this
would be thoughtful.

Why are you trying to ruin it?

Herman:Why is mom orange?!

Gregg:I had the mortician
give her a spray tan.

I didn't want her to look
pasty in her own wake.

Herman:You're sick!

Sick!

Gregg:Herman, this
was going really well.

What, are you just jealous

because I look like
the better son?

Herman:I'm this close to
shoving that palm tree

so far up your ass, you'll
be coughing up coconut milk!

Gregg:It's a plastic
pineapple tree.

There is no coconut milk in it.

(everyone gasps)

Herman:You're next!

Gregg:Oh, aww!

Tyrone:Who's got the
bets for the little guy!

Miller:Stop it!

Enough!

Enough!

(everyone talking and screaming)

Stop!

Bouncer:Take this outside!

Herman:Gregg, come on!

Miller, bring the palm tree!

Gregg:Ah, nothing like a death

to cause a family
squabble, right?

Please everyone have a drink.

Enjoy yourselves.

For the love of
god, play Pelvis.

Play!

(lively ukulele music)

Pelvis:[sings in
foreign language]

Herman:Put me down!

Bouncer:Go check yourself

before you wreck yourself.

Herman:I'm gonna wreck
something all right!

You!

Over here!

Gregg:Herman, I don't
know why you're so angry.

Herman:Seriously-

Lawyer Ron:Gentlemen.

Herman:Who are you?

Lawyer Ron:I was your
mother's attorney.

You must be Herman.

Ron [Wilidies Pinky] esquire

At Gregg's request,
I've come to explain

your mother's last
will and testament.

Shall we go inside?

Gregg:You know what,

we're having some
issues upstairs.

Why don't we just
discuss it here?

On the veranda, here
have a seat, Herman.

Herman:I'll stand.

Lawyer Ron:No one
wants to deal with

legal proceedings, especially

on the sidewalk but so it goes.

Gregg, I'll start with you.

You and your mother shared

the same passion for
food and hospitality,

so you will inherit
the family business.

Gregg:Thank you, mom.

Herman:What else?

Lawyer Ron:The remainder
of her personal

possessions have been donated

to the Helping Hands
Halfway House in Yonkers.

Herman:So, I'm left with?

Lawyer Ron:The directive.

Herman:The directive.

Lawyer Ron:Your
mother's dying wish

was that you take your
acting career more seriously.

No longer settling
via punch line

at the end of some bad joke.

She wanted nothing more
than you be successful

and know you did it on your own.

No handicaps Herman.

Herman:Let me be
perfectly clear,

Gregg has inherited
the thriving business

and one of the most
expensive markets

in the entire country,

the rest of my mother's
state has been given

to some homeless
people in Yonkers

and all I'm left with is
a worthless dying wish?

Lawyer Ron:That's correct

but you will get a copy.

Gregg:If you ever need
to work at my restaurant,

you're welcome.

Herman:I'm gonna kill you.

Lawyer Ron:Let's have a drink.

Gregg:Yes, a drink sounds good.

(sad piano music)

Miller:Hey, you!

Herman:Hey.

Miller:Pretty shitty day, huh?

Herman:Yeah, to say the least.

Miller:I'm so sorry.

Herman:This is the best
part. (Tyrone laughing)

Tyrone:Damn boy!

Check this out.

I just got a sweet
tweet about a role

that's perfect for you.

I'm talking this
is the apex, baby.

The pinnacle, the
crème de la crme-

Herman:Spit it out.

Tyrone:My boy, Marty
Scorsese is doing a remake

of the Wizard of Oz and
you're gonna be playing,

the mayor of Munchkin Land.

Herman:Is Leonardo
DiCaprio playing Dorothy?

Tyrone:Come on, Herman baby.

We gotta roll on this.

The audition is tomorrow.

Herman:Tomorrow's my birthday.

Tyrone:And this is your present.

Look, you got two options.

You can sit here and
have a little pity party

with ice cream and cake

or you can follow
the yellow brick road

right on down to
fame and fortune.

Miller:Okay, I don't
know what his answer is

but he's done talking
to you right now.

Tyrone:Hey, nobody's gonna stop

Tyrone Valentine
from communicating

with his client.

Miller:Is this guy for real?

Tyrone:Live and in living color.

Miller:All right, come
buy me some ice cream.

Herman:Sounds good.

Tyrone:Herman, baby.

Give me a call, all right?

Miller:Oh my god, my
feet hurts so bad.

Herman:Why are
you wearing those?

Miller:Because they
elongate my leg.

Herman:You're fooling yourself.

Miller:Hey, I didn't
say anything to you

when you went to a
Pilates class yesterday.

Herman:That's cold.

Mom left Gregg everything.

Miller:What?

Herman:I got a directive.

Miller:What does that mean?

Herman:A directive to
stop wasting my life

and finally pursue
my acting career.

Miller:Oh my god, that's great.

Herman:It felt more
like a slap in the face.

Miller:Or a swift kick
in the ass, you know,

in a good way.

Herman:I mean do I
need that though?

I mean I get that
on a daily basis.

Miller:I know, I think Herman,

this is exactly what you need

to stop playing
it safe, you know?

Herman:I can't help that I'm
constantly offered small roles,

pun intended.

Miller:Are you gonna audition

to be a Munchkin tomorrow?

Herman:Oh, not just a Munchkin,

mayor of Munchkin Land.

I mean there is a
hierarchy that deserves

to be recognized here.

Miller:Well, I
think you should go

for something bigger than that.

Like I

think there's lots of
roles in the Wizard of Oz

and that you could be the Lion.

Herman:That's unbelievable.

Miller:Why can't
the Lion be little?

Herman:A little lion
with no courage,

takes away the irony
of the character,

that's why.

And they're not gonna
make a short, scarecrow

with the intention of
keeping away birds.

Miller:Okay, well,

you could be the Tin Man.

He's just a dude
looking for a heart.

That's perfect for you.

Herman:You look
fat in that dress.

Miller:I think you'd
make an adorable Tin Man.

Herman:You think I would
make an adorable everything.

(Miller laughs) Is
anyone else gonna buy it?

Miller:I don't know

but you won't either
until you try.

I look great in this dress.

Thank you for walking me home

and the ice cream.

Herman:Any time.

Miller:High five.

Herman:Smart ass.

Miller:(giggles) Goodnight.

Herman:Goodnight.

Miller:Herman!

Herman:Yeah?

You should listen
to your mother.

You're good enough
to be a leading man.

Herman:I'll audition
for the tin man

if you come with me tomorrow.

Miller:It's a date.

And who knows, maybe
I'll read for Dorothy.

Herman:Dorothy with hypothermia?

Miller:Goodnight!
(Herman laughs)

(light music)

Herman:Excuse me.

Could you help me
reach something please?

Beer Lady:Sure, honeybun.

What would you like?

Herman:Um, that beer right
there on the top shelf.

Beer Lady:Oh, beer (laughs).

You know,

the Babylonians, they
were the first brewers.

They took their beer
brewing so seriously.

Do you know what would
happen if you mess up

a batch of beer?

They would drown
you in it. (laughs)

Herman:Oh.

Um, yeah, could you
just pass me the

the Brooklyn IPA?

Beer Lady:You betcha (giggles).

There you go.

Herman:So much thank you.

Beer Lady:You are so welcome.

Herman:Thanks very-

Beer Lady:Yeah, I get that too

when I get drunk.

Have you ever been drunk before?

Herman:Once or twice.

Beer Lady:I think
it's so much more fun

to get drunk with people
than [cats]. (both laughs)

Herman:Yeah, yeah.

Beer Lady:You know the Vikings,

they believe that
there was a giant goat

whose tits were filled with beer

that would wait
for them in heaven.

Herman:Hmm.

Beer Lady:Do you believe
in heaven, little guy?

Herman:Okay, goodnight.

You must've sent
this before you died.

Another dollar older.

Didn't get it all, Gregg.

Didn't get it all.

(television playing)

Crew woman:Next!

Cliff:Herman, what's up?

Herman:Not much, Cliff.

Cliff:I heard you got the
Rocket Fuel commercial.

Herman:I did.

Cliff:I would die for that job.

So, what else is new?

Herman:My mother just died.

Cliff:Oh, man!

Herman:Hey, Miller!

Um, do you mind if she

Cliff:Oh, yeah, sure.

Miller:Happy birthday!

Herman:Welcome to Munchkin
Land. (Miller giggles)

For future reference,
this is what it's like

to wait for an audition.

Miller:Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm so nervous and
I'm not even auditioning.

(laughs) My hands are shaking.

Look!

That is no joke.

Are you nervous?

Herman:Apparently, you
haven't learned the secret

of mastering anxiety.

Just a little swig
of liquid courage,

always seems to do the trick.

Miller:I see become
an alcoholic.

No, thank you. (both laughing)

Cliff:Hi!

Miller:Oh, hi!

Cliff:I'm Cliff.

Miller:Hey, Miller.

Nice to meet you.

Cliff:Likewise.

So, you two um, together?

Miller:What?

Herman:What do you mean, Cliff?

Cliff:Are you bf/gf?

Miller:Boyfriend, girlfriend?

Herman:Ah, we're just friends.

Cliff:Oh, so you're single.

Miller:Oh, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff.

I wish you wouldn't
have brought up,

the bf/gf with Herman and I

because I was going
to have a conversation

about raising the level
of our relationship

right after your
audition, Herman.

And now, look what
you've done, you,

cat's out of the bag.

Herman:I knew you
were hot for me.

Actor :Herman, you're next.

Herman:Oh, thanks.

I'll return, my sweet.

Miller:I'll be waiting.

High five, go get 'em!

Cliff:Hi, my friends
say I got a big mouth.

Miller:The damage
is done, Cliff.

Back it up.

Director:Okay, so,
we're going to have you

say your name to the camera

and then you can
take it from there.

Herman:Before we get started,

I was wondering, are
there any other roles

that I could audition for

besides mayor of Munchkin Land?

Director:We're also
considering you

for Munchkin
violinist number two

and for the Munchkin treasurer
of the Lollipop Guild.

Herman:Let me rephrase that,

are there any other
rules available

without the word, Munchkin?

Director:Well, you
can read for one

of the winged monkeys.

Herman:Actually, I was
hoping to get a chance

to read for the Tin Man.

Director:Sorry, you're
not the right shape.

Herman:With all due respect,

he's just a guy
looking for a heart.

Director:Look, you know
what, there are a lot

of people waiting outside,

do you wanna audition or not?

Herman:I just wanna know
why I have to be typecast,

I, I-

Director:Next!

Herman:I'm not leaving
until I get a shot.

Director:Get him out my sight.

Herman:I just want 30 seconds.

30 seconds, I could
read for the Tin Man,

I think you'd be
really happy with it.

Director:You have
30 seconds to go.

Herman:No, I would
really like to read-

Come on, I just want-

No, I'm thinking in 30 seconds,

I could really
show you something,

I just want another chance!

Miller:You nailed it?

Herman:This was a bad idea.

Miller:Hollywood's not gonna
change overnight, Herman.

Herman:That's for sure.

Miller:(sighs)

(people laughing and talking)

Herman:Hello, what may I get

for the two of you?

Wine Snob:Nothing
but a bottle of red,

something full-bodied,

a generous of amount of fruit,

well integrated [tannin] scent

and orgasmic finish.

Herman:What's your
price range, sir?

Wine Snob:Don't insult me.

Herman:I've got just the
wine for the two of you.

Wine Snob:(chuckles)
Okay, we'll see.

Pete:Yeah, that
chick's smoking man.

Herman:Pete, I need a
bottle of Barbaresco.

Pete:Barbaresco.

Herman:Mm-hmm.

Pete:I'll get it for
you if you can tell me

the color of her tong.

You know it, don't you?

You dog, you!

Herman:Sorry, she's
sworn me to secrecy.

Pete:Oh, you.

Seriously, dude, if
I was your height,

I'd use it to my full advantage.

You know what I'm saying right?

Herman:I hope you don't
charge for your advice.

Pete:Hey, for you little man,

it's on the house.

Go get 'em buddy.

It's red, isn't it?

Wine Snob:So, my
investment broker says,

"Congratulations, your
portfolios increased

"by 25%." and I said,
"Good luck finding

"a new job, asswipe" (laughs).

Herman:Here you are.

Wine Snob:Yeah, yeah.

What?

Couldn't reach the top shelf?

Herman:Sir, it must be truly
hard to savor a fine wine

when you're so full of shit!

Wine Snob:I demand to
speak to your manager,

I will not be talked
down to by a midget.

Miller:Shit!

Wine Snob:Maybe he'll bring
back the other six dwarfs.

That was a Snow White reference,

do you know that movie?

Gregg:* (lyrics) Oh,
making some [poblano]

Oh, you'll just have to
wait for my [poblano]

Um, oh my [poblano]

and my [poblano] oh, oh.

Okay.

What's going on
Mr. Herman man? *

Hey, why are you running
into the storeroom?

Was it my singing?

Herman:Nothing.

It's been

I needed some space,
it's been a long day.

Gregg:Okay, something happened?

Herman:No, I'm fine.

Nothing happened.

Gregg:All right.

Well, if you need me,

I'll be slinging
hash. (chuckles)

Miller:Hey, what's going on?

Gregg:Oh, Herman
needs some space.

Miller:Why?

Because that douche bag
at table 12 called you

the "M" word?

Gregg:What?

Oh, hell no.

Miller:Herman?

Come on, don't
let it get to you.

Herman:Every day,
every day Miller.

Miller:No, it's stupid.

They're stupid.

They don't know better.

Don't let them get you
down on your birthday.

Herman:Screw my birthday.

36.

What do I have to show for it?

I'm working in this place.

No matter how hard you try,

no matter how much you push,

it doesn't matter.

Look at me.

What do you see?

Miller:I see my friend.

Herman:I see a freak.

Everybody else sees
a freak, Miller.

Miller:No, no.

They just-

Herman:I'm a freak!

Miller:Okay, Herman,
you are not a freak

and I will not
let my friend talk

about himself that way anymore.

You've got to stop
paying attention

to everybody else and
focus on what's good

In your life.

You are paying attention
to the wrong things Herman.

Herman:How do I stop?

How do I stop when it's
down my throat every second?

Miller:People are
gonna stare at you.

People are gonna call you names.

People are gonna
do things to you.

Little kids are
gonna poke at you

and be like, "What's
wrong with that guy?"

That is your lot in life.

You have to ignore
all the bullshit.

Like just ignore the
bullshit and focus on you.

Herman:Yeah.

Miller:Every day Herman.

Every day, I will help you.

Herman:Okay.

Miller:Does my
makeup look like shit

or am I fine?

Herman:Miller.

Miller:What?

Herman:You look great.

Miller:Okay.

I'm gonna go back to my tables.

Herman:Thank you Miller.

Miller:High fives?

Herman:You're such a smart ass.

(Miller laughs)

Wine Snob:Oh, you're cold?

Yeah, of course you
can wear my jacket

but I'm just gonna be
peeling it off you later.

I'm talking about porking.

Gregg:Hello, my name
is Gregg Campieche.

Is there something
I can help you with?

Wine Snob:Yes, I
don't care that you

employ handicapped people

but I don't tolerate
bad service.

And I'm not paying for
this bottle of wine.

Gregg:Is there something
wrong with the wine?

Customer:I lived in
Piamonte for three years.

plucked Nebbiolos from the vine.

I know what this is
supposed to taste like

and serving me a 2004
bottle of Barbaresco

is like asking
Beethoven to sit down

at the Steinway and
play Chopsticks.

Gregg:You are a classy
individual and I apologize

for anything you may
have experienced.

There's something, hmm.

Oh, wow.

Mm, mm-hmm.

Listen here, your vulgar
behavior made me do this.

Now, take your bushy
nipple dick out of here,

you asshole.

(phone ringing)

Herman:What Tyrone?!

Tyrone:What kind of
shit is you smoking?

I just got a call
from my casting peeps

and they said they
had to throw you out

of an audition.

You're trying to get
us both blacklisted?

Herman:Did you hear
how they treated me?

Tyrone:Herman, this
is show business.

So, I'm gonna be real with you.

When you get paid,
my family gets paid.

There is no way that you're
gonna get an audition

for the Tin Man.

That's like me,
trying to audition

for the remake of Gandhi.

That shit just
ain't gonna happen.

Nobody is gonna let you
headlight your own movie

unless you foot the
bill and do it yourself.

Now, check this out.

Lucky Charms is
looking for a new face.

How do you feel
about leprechauns?

Because they're gonna
can that cartoon

and go with live action.

but you know what, we'll
talk about that later

because you are cutting
into my bubble time.

Miller:Doing a
stellar job on your

napkin folding.

Hey, Herman.

You gotta pay the rent.

I can't pay the rent.

You gotta pay the rent.

I'll pay the rent.

My hero!

Hey, everybody [get
out of my door]

What are you doing here?

She's got to pay the rent.

Why are you paying her rent?

Because I think
she's real pretty.

Hey, you guys looking
for a good time?

Oh, I'm knife face.

I got a knife on my face.

Seriously, my throat
or my [unintelligible].

Herman:I don't think we
can use this anymore.

Tyrone has another
audition for me.

Miller:Oh, brother.

Herman:Mm-hmm.

I'm going to be a leprechaun!

Miller:You cannot do that.

Herman:That's not what he says.

Miller:Seriously, Herman.

You have got to
start playing roles

that show what
you're capable of.

If you're gonna be
the leading man,

you have to do other things.

Herman:I've tried Miller.

Miller:One time.

What, you're just gonna give up?

Herman:It's a dead end dummy.

The casting director
wouldn't even let me read

for the Tin Man.

Miller:So, go above
the casting director.

They don't make
all the decisions.

Herman:I don't know
Martin Scorsese.

Pete:I can get to him.

Herman:How?

Pete:Inside information.

Turns out Marty is doing
an unscheduled appearance

on Rachael Ray this week.

I could drop off an
audition tape for you.

Miller:Martin Scorsese is
doing the Rachael Ray Show?

Does he cook?

But you don't work
there anymore.

Pete:Hey, I'm in the industry.

One call.

Miller:Okay, that's awesome.

We can do something
from the Wizard of Oz.

Pete:Great.

I can direct it.

Miller:Really?

Herman:I think I want
Juan to be the director.

Juan:Uh,

Mr. Herman, Pete has
a lot of experience,

I only have a
subscription to Netflix.

Herman:Yeah, but I need
somebody I can trust.

You know more about film
than any of my friends.

Juan, will you direct
my audition tape?

Juan:If you want me to, sure.

Miller:Well, Pete, you
could be the cameraman.

Pete:Um, yeah,
sure, I can do that.

Fine.

Herman:I need a very
talented young actress

to play opposite me.

Miller:Oh. (chuckles)

Thank you very much.

You are talking about me, right?

Herman:Yeah.

Gregg:Happy birthday!

Both:Tanti auguri,
it's your special day.

You're older!

Miller:Okay, make a wish.

Gregg:Ohh! (Miller laughs)

So what'd you wish for?

Herman:Can I shoot
an audition tape

for Martin Scorsese at
the restaurant, please?

Gregg:What? (chuckles)

I mean I can't just
shut the restaurant down

for an entire day. (chuckles)

Miller:Please Gregg,
it's for the Wizard of Oz

and we could do it after hours.

Gregg:Well

Well, okay.

But only if I can play the Lion.

I just really feel like
I'm the king of the forest.

Herman:Deal. (Gregg laughs)

Gregg:I'm gonna be
a star. (laughs)

Seriously, you're not done
wrapping the silverware?

Miller:Sorry.

Gregg:Can we really
wrap these up?

I do pay you, so.

Miller:Okay.

This is gonna be fun.

Gregg:You know, if
you really wanna catch

Scorsese's eye, you need
some costumes that pop.

Herman:You can be
in charge of that.

I still need to pick out
a scene for us to do.

Pete:Why don't you
ask your buddy Juan

for advice.

He's the expert.

Herman:You know,
that's a good idea.

Juan, you're coming
home with me.

Juan:When?

Herman:Right now.

We got work to do.

Miller:All right.

I'm going home.

Goodnight.

Keep me posted.

I'm exhausted.

Pete:Hey, I'll

I'll walk with you.

Miller:Okay, sure.

Pete:Hey, have fun gentlemen.

Gregg:Well, they
make a cute couple.

Herman:No, they don't, Gregg.

Shut your mouth.

Not even close.

Gregg:Well, I'm gonna
watch some trashy TV.

Pete:So

Miller:Oh (both chuckles).

Pete:You and the little
man seem pretty close.

Miller:Herman?

Yeah, we've known each
other a long time.

Pete:Any romance?

Huh?

Ha-ha? (Miller chuckles)

Miller:No, he's one
of my best friends.

Pete:Best friends, come on.

Somebody's always
gonna like someone.

Miller:That's not true.

It doesn't always have
to be some hidden agenda

when it comes to
the opposite sex.

Pete:Yeah, it does when
of them looks like him.

Miller:(laughs)

Okay.

What's your deal?

Where are you from?

Pete:I'm just a dude
made in America.

All right, I'll tell
you where I'm from

if I can buy you a beer.

Miller:Okay.

Pete:What do you drink,
stout? (chuckles)

Miller:I actually,
prefer long necks.

Herman:All I have is IPA.

Juan:Oh, no.

Thank you Mr. Herman.

I don't drink alcohol.

Herman:Well, then
I'll just have one

for both of us.

Juan:Sure.

Herman:So, Juan, any
ladies in your life?

Juan:Only one, my wife
back in Mexico City.

Actually, I have
a picture of her.

Herman:Wow.

How come I never noticed
a ring on your finger?

Juan:Well,

I sold it.

To send money back to my family.

Herman:I see.

So, do you think
Miller likes Pete?

Juan:What?

I don't know.

I can't see anything
back in the kitchen.

Herman:Yeah, but
did you see the way

Pete was acting around her
when they left tonight?

Juan:I just thought he
was being a gentleman

by walking her home.

Herman:You're being
deceived my friend.

Listen, we gotta save Miller.

The only reason
Pete's helping out

with this project is because
he wants to get in her pants.

He doesn't care about you or me.

I'm not dogging Pete here.

All I'm saying is that

Miller's too good for him.

She deserves to be with
someone who will treat her

with respect and appreciate
her for who she is.

Now, is there any way
we can articulate that

in the scene?

Juan:Sounds like
you want romance.

Herman:Yes!

Juan:Mr. Herman, the Wizard
of Oz is not a love story.

Herman:It is tonight, Juan.

We're gonna write a new scene

with Tin Man and Dorothy.

Two friends who
deserved to be together.

They're destined to be together.

Except one of them
doesn't know yet.

Dorothy is blind to the truth

and the only way that the
Tin Man can open the eyes

of his fair maiden
is to kiss her.

Kiss her before Pete does.

Juan:Wait, what?

Herman:This one's for you, Juan.

(playful music)

(easy listening rock music)

Miller:Cheers. (chuckles)

Pete:Cheers.

Whoa, whoa, ojos.

Miller:Ojos?

Pete:Juan taught me that.

We gotta do it again.

Gotta make the eye
contact with the cheers.

Miller:Oh, eye contact.

Okay, all right, sorry.

Cheers.

Pete:Hmm.

Miller:You didn't drink.

Pete:Oh, sorry about that,.

I got distracted with
those eyes of yours.

Miller:(chuckles) You're stupid.

Pete:Mm-hmm. (Miller laughs)

[I don't know but
you have a point.]

Miller:Oh, I'm scared.

Pete:You know, you should be.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

Miller:Okay, what?

What is it?

Pete:Smile if you wanna kiss me.

Yeah, I thought so.

Miller:It's happening at a bar.

(Herman snoring)

(phone ringing)

Herman:Juan.

Juan, what are you doing here?

Hello?

Miller:Hey, you!

Herman:Who is this?

Miller:It's Miller.

Herman:Hey, Miller.

What's up?

Miller:I was just
reading your script.

Herman:Huh?

Miller:The scene we're
shooting for your audition.

Herman:Yeah, I'm still
trying to pick it out.

Miller:Oh, you already
e-mailed it to me,

you silly butt (laughs).

Herman:I did?

Miller:Yeah, (laughs).

Hey, I thought we were
gonna just do something

from the Wizard of Oz.

I didn't think that you're
actually gonna write

an entire scene.

Herman:Juan, we e-mailed
the script to Miller?

Juan:I didn't send it to her.

Miller:I should probably
listen to some Ray Charles

or walk around my
apartment in the dark

or something like that.

Herman:Can you hold
on for a second?

We wrote a story
about a blind girl?

Juan:It was your idea.

Herman:I was drunk.

Juan:Drunk?

You had only two beers.

Herman:So, uh, what

what'd you like about it?

Miller:Oh, Dorothy
having to go blind

so she can see the Tin Man

for who he truly is, I love it.

Herman, it's great!

Herman:Oh, you know, we were

We were looking for something

with a little more depth.

You don't really find
that in the original.

Miller:Hey, what are
you doing right now?

Because we should
probably run these lines

as soon as possible.

Herman:Yeah, sure, sure.

I can meet you.

Miller:Okay, great.

I'm at Toast.

So, get here because
I'm starving.

Herman:All right.

Miller:Mm!

Thank you for meeting
me on such short notice.

Herman:No, thank you.

Miller, I truly appreciate
all you're doing for this.

Thank you very much.

And you, you look beautiful.

Miller:Aw, Herman.

Hey, do you mind if I run
to the bathroom real quick?

I've been holding
it in for a while.

Herman:Of course.

Miller:Okay, good.

Don't you dare.

You know how I feel about that.

I got eyes at the back
of my head, Herman.

Pete:Hey, little man!

How's it going?

Herman:What are you doing here?

Pete:Miller said you
guys are running lines.

Thought I'd listen in.

So I can visualize the shots.

Herman:You can do that from
just reading the script?

Pete:I could but it
jumps off the page

when you hear the
actors say it, you know.

Herman:Yeah.

So, the two of you
been hanging out?

Just the two of you?

Pete:I got a late
start this morning

and Miller was starving
so I came over here.

Herman:What'd you do last night?

Pete:We hung out.

Herman:Just hung out?

Pete:I very much enjoyed
getting to know her better.

Herman:Well, how much
better do you know her now?

Pete:Well, let's just say
that I spent the night

at her place.

So, how's your love
life, little man?

Herman:It's okay.

You know,

I'm playing the field right now.

Keeping my options open.

I have a lot on my plate.

Pete:Hey, so I wanna ask you.

How do you guys
hook up, you know,

you people?

Herman:My people?

Pete:Yeah.

Herman:Well, every Christmas,

we meet at the north pole.

We mix, mingle and mate

and then we slip back
into the wilderness.

You know, like
marching penguins.

Pete:That movie sucked.

Miller:So, what did I miss?

Pete:Hey.

Miller:Hi.

Pete:We're just
shooting the shot.

Herman:Yeah, just
shooting the shot.

Miller:Okay!

Let's get started.

Herman, when we get
to the kissing part,

we'll just be like,
lalalalala, we're kissing.

Herman:Yeah, of course.

What page is that?

Miller:Page three.

When Tin Man confesses
his love to Dorothy.

Pete:Right.

I didn't know there
was a kissing scene

in the Wizard of Oz.

Herman:Well, we

We tweaked it a little.

Juan and I did.

Just kinda give it a little pop.

Punch it up a little
bit, you know.

Pete:You rewrote Wizard of Oz.

Miller:Pete, you know,
they worked really

They worked really hard on it.

Pete:I'm just saying
it's an American classic.

Isn't it a little weird
to be rewriting it?

Herman:Yeah, it's you
know, children's story

and we just thought it
needed a little more flavor.

I wanted to show my range.

I was trying to prove
myself, you know,

be a leading man.

Miller:Mm-hmm.

Pete:Mm-hmm.

I see leading man
written all over him.

Miller:Anyone else hungry?

I feel like kind weird
that no one eating.

Herman:No, suddenly
I've lost my appetite.

Miller:Really?

Well, I could go for
some eggs right now.

Pete:Salad maybe?

Miller:And some turkey bacon.

Mm-mm.

Herman:I'd like a good
stiff drink really.

Miller:Okay.

Kinda early for that, right?

Herman:Not for me.

(upbeat music)

(Gregg chuckles)

Juan:So, Gregg,

how do you know
the designer again?

Gregg:Oh, he was
college roommate

but now, he designs
costumes for Broadway shows.

Strawberry:Greggory?

Oh, (laughs loudly)
oh, you old show queen.

Gregg:Hi, Strawberry.

Strawberry:Oh my
goodness, you got taller?

Gregg:No, thinner. (both laughs)

Strawberry:Maybe that's it.

Maybe that's it.

Gregg:Anyway, thank you
so much for doing this.

Strawberry:Oh, are
you kidding me?

It is my absolute pleasure.

I already have
your costume ready.

It was one of the
prototypes that I pitched

when I was originally
working on the Lion King.

Julie Taymor, did not

like it.

Gregg:Well, she's a fool
because I have jungle fever.

(both laughing)

Juan:Are you feeling all right?

Should I call a doctor?

(Strawberry laughing loudly)

Strawberry:Oh, you
are delicious, Juan.

Can I keep this one?

Gregg:Okay, the sanctuary
is [unintelligible] okay?

Just hands off.

Strawberry:You are bad.

Gregg:Oh, am I?

Oh, I hope you don't spank me.

Strawberry:Well, I might.
Gregg: Oh no!

I may, I may, I may
(both giggling).

Gees, is my little
tulip here gonna be

the scarecrow or ...

Juan:No, Gregg.

I am not in it.

Gregg:No, you have to do it.

It'll be so cool.

We'll have the
entire Oz gang there

because we already
have a Dorothy

and then my brother, Herman
is playing the Tin Man.

Strawberry:Right.

Oh, I absolutely died
when you told me.

I hung up the phone
and I literally fainted

and just laid there
for several hours.

(sighs) It's a hard day.

But I do have
something for Herman

that would be perfect.

Let me see.

I might need to make just
a couple alterations.

It's from my sequin line

with a silver sequins
live! (laughs loudly).

Gregg:I love it.

Strawberry:Yes?

Gregg:But I think
Herman's gonna say,

"Less liberachi."

Strawberry:Okay.

Gregg:What do you think?

Juan:I don't really like it.

Gregg:Wow, didn't
sugarcoat that at all.

Strawberry:That's
how you really feel.

Bitch.

Gregg:[inaudible]

Herman:Miller, the eHarmony
table is still going at it.

Miller:They sure are.

Man, they have been
all over each other.

Pete:Drop the check, little man.

We are closed.

So, how's your night?

Miller:Yeah, pretty good.

Pete:Yeah, did you
make some money?

Miller:I did.

Pete:Really?

Miller:Mm-hmm.

Pete:Did they tip the
bartender handsomely?

Miller:We don't do that here.

Pete:Really?

Miller:Kind of a new policy.

Pete:What kinda joint is this?

Herman:They didn't
even look at me.

Miller:Well, give them
a reason to look at you.

Wait, wait, what are you doing?

Oh my god, what are
you doing? (laughs)

Oh no!

Herman:Hey!

Right there! (laughs loudly)

Yeah, plug it in!

Leave a tip!

Down the middle!

Miller:Goodbye!

Pete:Goodnight.

Herman:Yes!

Pete:Wow.

Miller:Classy.

One word to describe you.

Classy.

Gregg:Good evening.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Can I get you
something to drink?

Good evening.

Can I

Juan, how's my delivery?

Juan:It can use some work.

Gregg:Wow, you just refuse
to soften those blows.

Juan:Look, Gregg.

As the Lion, you are
completely between

you raising for power and
that nagging insecurity

that plagues your
ability to lead.

Gregg:Wow.

I never thought
about it like that.

Good evening.

Good eve

Good eve-

Good evening.

Herman:You've got
to be kidding me.

Miller:[inaudible]

(gasps) Oh my god!

(laughs)

You are the cutest
thing I've ever seen.

Herman:I'm gonna kill Gregg.

I feel ridiculous.

Miller:You'll get over it.

Hey, is my lipstick too much?

Herman:No.

You look beautiful.

Gregg:Are we off to
see the wizard or what?

Miller:Wow.

Gregg:I know.

Didn't these costumes
just turn out great?

Miller:Hey, Gregg.

Aren't I supposed to
have ruby slippers?

Gregg:Well, in the book,

they were silver and
Strawberry really wanted

to stay truthful to
the source material.

Miller:He couldn't
find any, could he?

Gregg:Nobody will see your feet.

Herman:Juan, what
are you wearing?

Juan:I'm the Scarecrow.

Hey, Mr. Herman,

would you mind if I say
a little prayer for us

before we started?

Herman:Sure.

We need all the help
we can get, right?

Juan:Bow your heads.

(translated) Our Father
who are in Heaven ...

(phone ringing)

Pete:Yo!

What's up, dude?

Yeah, I'm still at work.

Yeah, (chuckles).

No, you're not gonna believe
what's going on over here.

Yeah, yeah, she's still here.

Mm-hmm.

No, I should probably go.

I'll call you back.

Okay, bye.

Oh, sorry.

Go.

Juan:(translated) Humbly,
we come before You

and ask that You
would care for us.

May we make the
best movie we can.

And Jesus, please ...

May Martin Scorsese
give Mr. Herman,

the part of the Tin Man.

in the new Wizard of Oz movie.

Amen.

Herman:Amen.

Miller:Amen.

Juan:Now, everyone,
take your places.

(Miller giggles)

Pete:Lights, camera, action.

Gregg:So exciting.

Oh!

Miller:This is your
time to shine, Herman.

No more small parts.

Herman:I'm an actor.

Miller:You're an actor.

Let's not use those faces.

Juan:Okay, guys.

I want this to have a
new way kind of feel.

Very conversational,
very casual, okay?

Pete:Save your breath, Francois.

Juan:Okay guys, everyone ready?

Herman:Mm-hmm.

Pete:And we're rolling.

Okay Juan, as the director,

would you like to say, action?

Juan:(chuckles) Sorry.

Action!

(light classical music)

Gregg:Good evening.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Miller:Water please.

Herman:We'll have the
bottle of the Dolcetto.

Thank you.

Gregg:Dolcetto?

Why don't I just
save the glasses

and urinate directly
into your mouth?

Juan:Cut!

Gregg!

You got to say what is
written in the script.

Gregg:I know.

I'm sorry.

But Dolcetto is a terrible wine

and I do not want my
restaurant on film,

serving Dolcetto.

You should choose Barolo.

Herman:Fine, I'll
choose a Barolo.

Let's just keep going.

Come on.

Miller:How's my blind face look?

Herman:Solid.

Pete:Scarecrow.

Juan:Action!

Gregg:Oh wait, you
haven't ordered this yet.

Ah, I'm a psychic! (laughs)

Dionne Warwick!

Oh wait, is she dead?

I don't know.

Pete:We're still rolling.

Juan:Action.

Pete:Shit show.

Gregg:Good evening.

Can I get you
something to drink?

Miller:Water please.

Herman:I'll have a
bottle of the Barolo.

Thank you.

Gregg:Barolo?

What a fine choice you've made

here at Vareli on
111th in Broadway

in Manhattan.

Juan:Gregg!

Miller:Oh, Tin Man.

I'm so thankful for you.

Ever since that wicked witch
cast that nasty spell on me,

I felt so helpless.

Herman:Dorothy, taking you
out for a bottle of wine

is the least I could do

to help you forget about
your temporary blindness.

Gregg:Barolo.

Just

Oh!

Miller:(gasps) I
can hear it pouring!

My other senses are
so heightened now

since I've been blind.

Herman:(clears throat)

Miller:Sounds like a lot.

Herman:(clears throat)

Juan:Cut!

Gregg, could you please try
pouring a little less wine,

next time?

Gregg:I know, I'm sorry.

I got nervous and I did
a bit of a heavy pour.

I'll just pour some of
it back into the bottle.

Herman:No, it'll spill
all over the table.

Just pour it out and
we'll get another one.

Gregg:I will not.

This is a very
expensive vintage.

Herman:Right, we
have multiple takes.

Gregg:Maybe we can use this.

Pete:Okay, you know what?

Miller:Holy

crap!

Pete:Nice.

It's dry.

Here we are.

Problem solved.

Moving on.

Herman:Yeah, but don't
we need a shot of Gregg

pouring the wine?

Pete:I'll fix it in post.

And rolling.

Juan:Action!

Herman:I remember
when you were just

a girl from Kansas.

Miller:Oh, you make
me sound so plain.

Herman:But you're a woman now.

With needs.

Miller:Tin Man.

What are you getting at?

We're best friends.

Herman:The dreaded f-bomb.

How could such a little word

have such big impact?

I got something for you to read.

Miller:(gasps)

Do you really mean that?

Herman:With all my
newly acquired heart.

I can't stop thinking about you.

Miller:You don't know
what you're saying.

Herman:I know life's
tough for you, Dorothy.

It's tough for me too.

But with your
height and my eyes,

we make a damn good team.

Miller:It's just

Herman:If there's any
hope that we might make

this work, putting that
friendship on the line

is totally worth it.

Miller:You took the easy way out

by putting it on a card.

Are you Tin Man
enough to say it?

Herman:I love you.

Miller:(gasps)

Herman:I can't reach.

Miller:What?

Herman:I can't reach.

Juan:Cut!

Pete:Wah, wah, wah. (laughs)

Oh man, back to one.

Juan:It's okay, Mr. Herman.

We just do a close
up for this shot.

Go ahead and slide up
a little closer to her.

Good.

Okay.

Pete, soom in.

Pete:Soom in?

Juan:Yeah, soom in.

Pete:Soom in.

Juan:Yeah.

You know, when you

Pete:Zoom, zoom in?

Juan:Exactly.

Pete:Okay.

Juan:Thank you, man.

Pete:No, thank you.

Herman:Are you ready for this?

Miller:Yeah, of course.

Are you okay?

Herman:Yeah.

I'm all right.

Miller:Yeah, doing a great job.

It feels real.

Juan:Okay, Mr. Herman.

When I say action,
wait a few seconds

and then slowly lean in.

Pete:All right.

Let's get this over with
as soon as possible.

Okay, we're rolling.

Juan:And

action!

Juan:Cut!

Pete:Hey, hey!

Miller:Herman, stop!

Pete:He said cut!

The hell's wrong with you.

Now, this whole thing
is unbelievable.

Miller:Pete, come on.

Pete:No, why, why?

I'm defending you.

Why do you wanna be
sexually harassed

for some audition that's
not gonna go anywhere?

I mean have you looked at
yourself in the mirror.

Seriously, you really think

that you would have
a shot with Miller?

Gregg:You shut up!

Pete:What?!

Gregg:Shut up!

Pete:You talking (laughs)

Yeah, you are talking
to me, aren't you?

Huh?

Gregg:You need to leave.

Pete:All right.

You people all
deserve each other.

Have fun with your make-belief.

All right, I'm done.

I'm out!

Especially with you!

Gregg:You're fired!

Pete:Oh, yeah?

I quit.

How's that?

Freaks!

Herman:Miller, I'm

I'm so sorry.

Miller:It's okay.

It's okay.

Herman:No, it's not okay.

Miller:We were just acting.

Herman:I wasn't.

I wanted to kiss you.

I just have to
deal with the fact

that no woman's
never gonna love me.

Miller:Herman, that is not true.

You're great!

You're funny and charming

and a great listener and

Herman:That's it, every
time I walk you home,

not once did you invite me in.

For the first time,
Pete walks you home

and he spends the night.

Miller:Who told you that?

Herman:He did.

Miller:Well, I shouldn't
have let him in.

Herman:Why did you?

Miller:I don't know.

Herman

I care about you a lot.

You know that, right?

But I don't see you like that.

Not that I couldn't maybe

I don't know ever
see you like that.

Herman:Come on.

At least be just honest with me.

Juan:Mr. Herman, what
about your audition tape?

(sad music)

(knocking on door)

Gregg:Oh, Herman.

Thank God, you
didn't kill yourself.

Herman:What are you doing here?

Gregg:You forgot your ax.

Herman:Gregg, leave.

Gregg:I'm going to stay.

Herman:Really, Gregg?

Gregg:Am I interrupting
something? (chuckles)

All right.

And now, you've
got me as company.

Cheers.

Man, that was really
hard to watch tonight.

It was like a
Shakespearean tragic-

Herman:Please-

Gregg:It's very
difficult to stay on-

Herman:Are you trying
to send me to mom?

Gregg:I'm sorry.

I'm not very good at this.

If you need time off from work,

you've got it.

Herman:I think her death has
finally caught up with me.

Gregg:Have I told you yet

about my last
conversation with mom?

Herman:No.

Gregg:Well, we
were talking about

which Golden Girl we were

and she got really quiet.

Which I thought was
because I told her,

I'm a Blanche.

But I looked back over at her

and she was signing
your birthday card

and she said, "I
would give anything

"if Herman haven't had to
struggle through life."

Herman:I wonder what
it would be like

to have some other
abnormality you know,

color blind or deaf in one ear

or have weird birthmark.

Something that people
couldn't look at you

and judge you right off the bat.

See you and know why
you're not normal.

Gregg:You're right.

It's not fair.

It's not fair that
you can't hide

your uniqueness.

and so in that spirit, I

I have something
to confess to you.

Herman, I know this might
be a little bit surprising

but

I'm a gay man.

Oh my god, I can't
believe I said it.

I am sorry I've never told you

and I'm sorry I had
the ability to hide it.

Herman:Sure you do.

Gregg:You know, mom

She was

very supportive of us

and she always
supported my dream

to own a restaurant.

And now, she's
supporting your dream

to be an amazing actor.

Herman:Gregg, don't
try to make me cry.

Give me a hug.

Gregg:Good.

Herman:Thank you
for letting me use

your restaurant.

Gregg:Of course, we're brothers.

Herman:Half-brothers.

(lively music)

(knocking on door)

Gregg:I wonder
who that could be.

Right on cue.

Miller:Hey, Tin Man.

Herman:What?

Juan:Mr. Herman, your
dreams are not going down

without a fight.

Miller:After everything
we shot last night,

I'm sure we can get an
audition tape together.

Herman:Look, I think we
should take a little break

from my dream for a while.

Miller:Herman.

If you're gonna have one regret,

please don't let it be
that you never tried.

Scorsese needs to
see your tape today.

Juan:Wait a second, we can
still post your audition

on JuTube.

Gregg:YouTube.

Miller:YouTube.

Gregg:You

Juan:You?

Herman:You.

Miller:You're saying JuTube.

Juan:YouTube, I got it.

Could you please
start the camera?

And Miss Miller,
you know what to do.

Herman:No, guys.

In order to guarantee
that Scorsese sees this,

I gotta do it in person.

I gotta break in to
Rachael Ray's studio.

Gregg:What are
you, Nicholas Cage?

You're acting all kinds
of crazy right now.

Herman:Crazy?

Gregg, look at me.

I'm Tin Man.

I've only got one chance
to make this happen.

This is my opportunity
to be a leading man!

I've got to do this.

This is what it takes to
make it in this business!

Miller:Well, what
are we waiting for?!

Gregg:(giggles) Grab
your ax, Tin Man.

Let's get on this
yellow brick road.

Miller:You think she
signs autographs?

Gregg:I don't know.

She seems like a bitch.

(fast paced music)

Juan:Taxi!

Taxi Driver:Let me
guess, Emerald City?

Herman:Close.

Rachael Ray's studio.

Taxi Driver:You got it.

Gregg:Come on [camel]
cab, drive us to war.

Miller:Oh, sweet Jesus.

(fast paced music)

Is this a bad time for
me to tell you guys,

I get carsick?

Gregg:Yes.

It's a terrible time.

Herman:It's the
place right there.

Miller:What if we get arrested?

Gregg:Oh, god.

Herman:I wouldn't
do well in jail.

Gregg:I feel like
I would do well.

Crew guy:Hi, Marty.

10 minutes until we need you

but if you need me
to grab you another

Raging Red Bull or
call a taxi driver

to get you through
the mean streets,

I'm that kind of good fella.

I'm also a writer

and since you got some
time on your hands,

I'll just, my Hotmail
is at the bottom

of the page, so.

Juan:So, guys, what's the plan?

Miller:Okay, I'll go in first

and do some recon.

Wish me luck.

Gregg:(laughs) It's so exciting.

Miller:Okay Miller,
you can do this.

You can seduce him.

You are one hot bitch.

Oh Miller, don't call
yourself a bitch.

All right, let's do this.

(light jazz music)

Hi, there.

Desk man.

Jimmy:Oh, hello there lady.

How can I help you?

Miller:I was just wondering

what floor does the
Rachael Ray Show tape on?

Jimmy:Oh, it's five.

Miller:Ohh.

Jimmy:But you're gonna need
a special clearance on that.

Miller:Oh.

How's this for a
special clearance?

Jimmy:What, um ...

Well, that is
classified information,

which you're trying
to get your hands on.

Miller:(chuckles)
I know something

you can get your hands on.

(alarms sounding)

Jimmy:Oh!

I'm just gonna
have to check that.

Miller:Can't you just
look back here for it?

Just you know ...

Jimmy:Do me a little favor

and just stay here
for a few moments

and I'll just take
care of this emergency.

Miller:But I-

(alarms sounding)

Gregg:Go!

Save yourselves!

Ralph:Come on, you
need a pass, let's go.

Gregg:I surrender! (cries)

Do with me what you want.

Ralph:Just sign it.

Just get up.

Okay, come on.

Everything is just all right.

Gregg:Okay.

I don't have ID.

(alarms sounding)

Guard:What the hell
are you doing?!

Hey, what are you doing?!

(both shouting)

Herman:(sighs)

Okay.

Jimmy:So, we got Dorothy,

Scarecrow

and the Lion.

Boys, we got a Tin
Man on the loose.

(lively music)

Herman:Where am I?

Crew guy:Hi, Rach, five minutes

and I think that
Marty's gonna freak out

when you put your meatballs
in his mouth. (chuckles)

(Herman screams)

Guard:Get him!

Crew guy:Marty, it's show time.

Janitor:That one is wet.

You can go around that.

All right.

Fair enough.

Guard:There he is!

Janitor:Shit, it's Tin Man!

Crew guy:Right this
way, Mr. Scorsese.

(lively music)

Herman:I wanna be your Tin Man.

Ralph:Come in, Jimmy.

Jimmy:Yeah, Ralph.

Go ahead.

I just talked to Marty.

He said the little
Tin Man was with him.

So, he's clear?

Jimmy:What do you want
me to do with these guys?

Ralph:I don't know.

Release them I guess?

Jimmy:Oh, Ralphy.

You're no fun.

Ralph:Uh, tell them
to wait outside.

Yeah, tell them to wait outside.

Over.

Jimmy:10-4.

All right, my pretties.

You can go.

There's no place like home.

Miller:Ugh, I can't
believe I showed him

the top of my cleave.

Gregg:I've done worst for less.

Miller:(sighs)

Well?

Herman:I didn't get the Tin Man.

Gregg:That hack.

What the hell does
Martin Scorsese know

about movie-making?

Herman:Don't feel sorry for me.

Gregg, I'm gonna need someone

to cover my shift next week.

Gregg:Of course,
you need a vacation.

You take it.

Herman:I think I'm gonna
get some sun in LA.

Miller:Wait, what?

Herman:Martin asked
me to come audition

for the Wizard.

Miller:Herman!

I'm so proud of you!

(lively music)

Juan:You really
did it, my friend.

Gregg:Oh, my brother

is gonna be the wonderful
Wizard of Oz! (laughs)

(everyone laughing)

(phone ringing)

Herman:Hello?

Tyrone:Herman, baby.

If you are standing,
you better sit down

because I got the role
of a lifetime for you.

Tostitos is looking
for a little person

to be the new face
of their everyday

Cinco de Mayo campaign.

They wanna put you
on a deserted island.

Dress you up in a sombrero,

give you some maracas

and let babes in bikinis
eat pico de gallo

off your little head.

Need I say more?

Herman:Sorry, Tyrone.

I'm not interested.

Tyrone:What, you got
something better to do?

Herman:Yeah, I do.

(light guitar music)

(Gregg humming)

Gregg:* (lyrics) Oh, Herman

Oh, oh, moment alone,

Gonna be the Wizard
Herman oh, oh

Living your dreams *

Something like that.

(light guitar music)

Miller:Hey, you!

You wanna walk me home?

Of all the excitement,

I forgot to tell you
about my big news.

I have an audition tomorrow

that I am going to.

Herman:I'm glad to hear
you didn't come to the city

just to wait tables
all your life.

What's it for?

Miller:Apparently,
George Lucas is retaking

Gone with the Wind.

Herman:Wow, there
is nothing sacred.

Miller:(chuckles) I'm kidding.

It's a taco commercial

but I said on my resume,

I could do a kick
ass Spanish accent.

Herman:I would
kill to hear that.

Miller:Herman, you
could put your audition

on the Jutube. (laughs)

Herman:You shouldn't
ever do that

in front of Juan.
(Miller laughs)

Just a little unsolicited advice

from your acting
coach and your friend.

Miller:Friend?

Wow.

You just dropped the f-bomb.

What's going on with you?

Herman:I'm leaving New York.

Miller:I know.

Herman:Permanently.

Miller:What?

Herman:Miller, I finally
got a legitimate job

to go to LA and regardless
of what happens,

I'm gonna stay.

Miller:Okay.

Well, when you make it big

don't forget about
us, little people.

Well,

goodnight. (chuckles)

Herman:Goodnight.

Miller:High five!

(chuckles)

Herman:Why do you
wear those shoes?

Miller:They elongate my legs.

Herman:You're still
lying to yourself.

Miller:(cries) I'm
gonna miss you so much.

Herman:I'll miss you too.

Miller:Herman!

You wanna come inside and
help me with my accent?

Herman:Not tonight,
I'm gonna keep walking.

(easy listening
alternative music)

(easy listening
alternative music)