The Late Bloomer (2016) - full transcript

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I know you have a lot of girls talking to you.

Why don't we go back to my place?

I wanna explore every inch of your body.

Will you just fuck me?

You're suffering from OSD,

which is obsessive sexual desires.

So I'd like for you to read my book.

This book will show you how to rechannel
those negative sexual impulses.

Example: Instead of copulation, try communication.

I had a patient who was addicted to group sex

and he read this book, and it changed him so much



that he just recently climbed mt. Everest.

Wow, that's amazing.

He ended up having a three-way
with a couple of Sherpas

so there's still work to be done,
because it is a process.

I want to help you climb your Everest

because I know that there is a... amazing

productive, confident woman inside of you.

It's just waiting to break free.

Will you read the book?

Put your balls in my mouth.

Idea for a chapter in new book:

How important is sex to being a man?

Note for chapter in new book:

What's more important in a man,
the mental or the physical?



Idea for chapter in next book:

Can you truly be an adult
without experiencing sex?

Another chapter:
Can a person be truly happy without sex?

- Hey, doc.
- Hey, Josh.

So I took your advice and invited Becky
to a movie and she said yes.

- That's great.
- She brought a friend.

Ooh. Well, doesn't mean she doesn't like you.

Girls just want their friends' approval.

- It was a guy. They made out.
- Jesus.

Then he fingered her under her jacket.

Oh... you okay?

I was really bummed, but when I got home
I just jerked off into a sock, so...

It may seem trite right now, but I promise you
there's plenty of fish in the sea.

And plenty of socks in the drawer.

There you go, buddy.

Catch you later.

How do you exist moment to moment
when you're not a goldfish?

- Thanks.
- That's not a compliment.

Guys? Can we at least text whenever
we're coming over, please?

You gave us a key.

I know, but remember?
We talked about this. That's for emergencies.

Jenny thinks I'm at work till 8:00.

This is emergency fun time.

You know, it's the kids. I love 'em
but we have, like, so little in common.

They're into cartoons and crayons

and I'm just not into that shit right now.

And, Luke, what's your excuse?

Rachel's over picking up the rest of her stuff.

Clothes, furniture, and everything
else we shared together.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm great.
You think she's my type?

Yeah, she's everyone's type.
Swipe right on that.

Man, if I had knew dating was like this today

I wouldn't have been so afraid
to break up with Rachel.

- She broke up with you.
- Right. 'Cause I was so afraid of her.

My point is thought that
this is like a whole new world.

Pete, you gotta get on this, man.

I'll make you an account. It's so easy.

What the hell are you guys watching?

Valkyrie. I think they're about to kill Hitler.

Spoiler alert!

- What?
- I haven't seen this movie yet.

- What...
- I have a job and kids.

I don't watch every fucking movie that comes out.

- But Hitler dies.
- Don't...! I'm trying to forget it.

Michelle's actually having
some people over at her house

and she's testing some new dishes,
so I promised to go over.

- I'm sorry, but I have to leave.
- That's great.

Just make sure you smile a lot.

Or, hey, we could just kill Charlie
and then you could ask her out.

Wait, wait, wait.
Are there gonna be beautiful honeys there?

Let's do cousins.
Wait, no one's gonna believe that.

We're second cousins, I live in
New York, I'm into textiles.

- Oh, girls love textiles.
- I'm not gonna help you cheat.

No, no, no.

Don't wanna cheat, just wanna flirt.

Catch and release.

See if Batman can still fight crime, you know?

See if Ali can still sting like a bee.

Can't do it. I'm sorry.
What about you, Luke? Do you wanna go?

Man, I would love to, really,
but I'm kind of on a roll here.

Tonight will be six nights in a row

and I just kinda feel like I have
an obligation for the tinder record.

- What's the tinder record?
- Seventy-one.

- Good luck with that.
- Yeah, definitely go for that.

Right? I just feel like I haven't done much
with my life and this could be my thing.

- You gotta do it for my dick.
- Yeah.

You gotta do it for the dicks of all of us.

Hey, Nikki.

Do you hate me? You came alone.

No. Oh, I was supposed to bring a plus-one.

Yes, you were supposed to bring a charming,
single, wildly employed friend of yours.

Right. Well, one of my friends is married
the other one just got tinder,

so he's a little preoccupied.

How is he getting on? Any luck?

Because my sister met her boyfriend on there.

He's actually, I would say professionally getting
a little too lucky, if you know what I mean.

It's good to see you, Nikki.
I see Michelle. I'm gonna go say hi.

Uh-huh.

You're carrying that ball
like a newborn baby, you dick!

- Hey, Charlie.
- That was a four step lay-up! That was blatant!

I'm watching on a fucking phone and I saw it!

Yeah, no shit, it was a travel.

What is he, a goddamn running back?

Listen, get Connelly to come up with a pic
put it on the home page in 31 seconds,

or I'm gonna tell your wife that the stain in
the backseat of your car is hooker blood.

Okay? Yeah, not kidding.

Holy shit, I am pissed.

Worst officiating since the Kennedy assassination.

What's up? What do you need?

L... I'm Pete, Michelle's neighbor.

Okay. Pleasure to meet you,
Pete, Michelle's neighbor.

- We've met a few times. Yeah.
- Oh, really? No shit, huh?

Wow. I do it all the time.
Hate when I do that.

Listen, gotta get back to the game.
It's for work, okay?

- Hi!
- Got you some wine.

Aw, thanks. I just opened up
a bottle of wine. Want a glass?

Yes. You keep working and I'll pour us a glass.

Ooh, try this.

- Huh?
- Alright.

Mm. Oh, my god.

Yeah? You're not just saying that?

My taste buds are celebrating as
if they've been rescued from evil.

What the hell is that?

It's a Chile en Nogada.

It's insane prep, three days
but it's totally worth it, right?

You cannot waste this genius
on me and your semi-odd friends.

I don't know. I'm... not ready.

You say that, but if you don't start now

you're never gonna have your own
restaurant with a nice big blackboard

with all your specials for the day

and some nice food-based puns
like no country for old hens.

- Or Ace tempura.
- The Codfather.

American snapper, you've got Kale...

Raisin Arizona. Um...

- I'll work on it.
- But the music, I gotta say

I'll make the mix for you. It'll be great.

Well, yeah, you're in charge of that.

I can't leave that to you.

You really are ready.

- You really think so?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, god! That did not hurt.

- It was my head. Ahem.
- Oh, you want some medicine?

No, no, I'm fine. People have had
headaches before, believe it or not.

- No!
- Yes. Cheers.

- You should probably see a doctor.
- You should probably shut the fuck up.

Hey, sorry, babe. Sorry, game's been crazy.

That's okay.
You said you weren't gonna work tonight.

I know, but remember, it's a big game.
I was supposed to be there, but I'm not.

I'm here and I'm glad to be here. Look at this.

Phone? Going on mute.

- Huh? You like that? Yeah?
- Wow.

Ooh, fancy cookin', good lookin'.

What is that?
What you got going on there?

- Well, try it.
- Yeah?

What the hell's that?

My other phone.
I forgot to turn off my other phone.

Babe, I'm so sorry, I have to take this.

- It's okay.
- Two seconds, I swear, okay?

I promise, two seconds. Connelly.

Shut up and tell me!

- It's really good.
- Thanks.

Another chapter:

Can there be romantic love...

Without sex?

Brenda, the boy's here.

- Hey, dad.
- Hey, pal.

Hey!

Namaste. My beautiful boy!

I made your favorite brownies.

Okay, tell me, did you do
any sexual healing today?

Do we have to constantly
celebrate what the boy does?

Hey, hon, I just asked him about work.

Excuse me for being proud of our son.

Yep, he suppresses people's natural desires.

- Strike up the band.
- Did I tell you this?

Carmen was complaining the other
day about her husband's needs

and then I gave her a copy of the book.

Turns out, he totally is
rechanneling his sexual energy

putting it into his gardening.

She brought a squash here the other night

- that zucchini that was huge.
- I get the connection.

Anyway, do you want to stay for dinner, hon?

I can't, I have plans.

Plans?

- Like a woman plans?
- It's not like that, mom.

I worry about you that you work so much
you never have time for a girlfriend.

Alright, that's my cue. I gotta go.

- Good to see you, dad. See you.
- See you, pal.

- Bye. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Why do you have to be so negative?

Pete's very successful.
Why don't you just accept him for who he is?

I don't know who he is.

He's not the man I tried to raise him to be.

Well, okay. Maybe he's not sporty like you are.

You know, he's light and sweet
and spiritual and cute

and what better son could you ask for?

How about the kind I could make
some sense of to begin with?

You know? I mean, who writes books about
sex and has never had a girlfriend?

And if he's gay, okay, great.
Our son is gay, yippee.

But this is...

I mean, he's... he's...

I don't know what he is.

What'd you wanna see me about, boss?

You're a superstar.

- I just got the call.
- What? What is it?

Oh, I can't stand it.
You're doing a Ned talk!

How? How did that...
How did that...?

Wh-what... what...? How...?
Did they just call, or...

They don't just call anybody!

I submitted you, you nutty genius.

You and your marvelous book.

I would've told you earlier, but I
was afraid they would reject you.

And there was a very strong possibility of that.

But they didn't. They accepted us.

- Oh, my god.
- Wow!

This so amazing for me! And for you!

Your book is gonna reach millions of people now.

It's gonna be so good for the clinic.

- That is amazing.
- And that's not all.

- There's more?
- Don't freak out, okay? Promise me.

Someone pretty important...

At m... p...

r wants to interview you.

Noema Willcoxen?

She wants to interview you about me
and what we do here.

I'm so excited.

Noema Willcoxen, wow.

How could she say no, huh,
to the new Tony Robbins?

Yeah, that's... that is...

This is happening!

Thank you so much for all your support, Caroline

- what you've done for me.
- Well, you know, it wasn't easy.

- L...
- There were a lot of moving parts.

I mean, logistically, this has been a nightmare.

But I'm so glad that I made it happen.

So that's it? It's just over?

- You gotta be kidding me!
- Just go!

Un-fucking-believable.

She won't even fucking listen to me.

It's just work, you know?

Women.

You're fucking lucky that you date dudes.

- No, I'm not...
- I'm actually dead serious about that.

I don't...

Go away!

Michelle, it's Pete.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Uh, yeah, come on in.
I'm drinking some wine.

- Want a glass?
- Sure.

God, I don't even know why I'm still crying.

So stupid.

- Is white okay?
- Sounds great.

Okay.

I really mean it.

I gotta be done with this guy.

Whatever the hell Charlie and I had...

It's not what I want.

I don't really think that love
is supposed to feel like this.

What does it feel like?

Well, you know what love feels like.

Yes, of course. I mean...

I meant, what does it feel
like when you're with Charlie?

I feel...

alone.

His work and himself, it always comes first.

It's his entire world.

And, no it's not even about that. I'm just...

- I'm tired of being an after thought.
- Yeah.

Let's sit.

Michelle, I've known you for a few years

and you're pretty damn amazing.

You're kind, you're funny.

- I'm hilarious.
- You are hilarious.

And you're not too difficult to
look at, if you know what I mean.

And I do think Charlie does
love you, in his own way.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But if he keeps making you feel unnecessary?

God, ask me to make a great paella
and I'll blow your fucking mind

but treat me like a doormat, and
I'm obviously falling to pieces.

I know what I need now.

- Some more wine?
- No.

I need to become a chef.

I need to transfer all of this energy

and this sadness into something
that I know that I really want...

And I know that I can do.

That's a fucking great idea.

- Thank you.
- Of course.

I don't know what I would do without you.

You'd do the same for me, wouldn't you? Yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- L...

I'm so... I'm so sorry.

- I'm sorry, but l...
- No, no.

- It's okay. Are you okay?
- No, l... my head is...

I think the wine or something...
But can I call you tomorrow?

- Yeah.
- Okay, thank you.

Sorry.

What the hell's wrong with me?

Pete?

- Pete, wake up!
- Wake-upsies!

- Your friends are here, Pete!
- Wake up!

- Hi, Pete!
- Oh, my god, Pete! It's an emergency!

- What happened?!
- I was talking to him!

- Pete! Hey...
- Hey, buddy, how are you?

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We have a basketball game and you're not dressed.

I have a massive... Headache right now

so I want you to turn around and leave my house...

Not gonna happen.

Left Jenny and the kids at home
to play three-on-three with you guys.

If I go home and haven't played
basketball, she's gonna know

then it's gonna be considered
non-basketball-related me time

and then she's gonna want
non-activity-related her time

and it's gonna upset the whole ecosystem.

- It's a whole thing, so get up.
- Okay, I will go.

Did you get food?

- Who is it?
- It's Michelle. Hold on.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Listen, I just... l just wanted to say... thank you.

Thank you for being there for me yesterday.

It's Pete, you know...?

- He's right, it's Michelle.
- I figured he wouldn't be lying.

- But what's the vibe?
- Well, it's kinda casual. Like, not very fancy.

- So they're not at a fancy restaurant out there?
- No, she's not dressed up or anything.

- Okay.
- I just really needed to talk to somebody

and... l really only wanted to talk to you.

So I really appreciate that you were there.

And sorry if, you know, things got weird

and, you know, like, we kissed and stuff

- or whatever.
- I'm here for you.

She went in for an emotional hug

and he chose... A back-slapper.

He wants cock.

I don't understand why
he just won't embrace some cock.

Let him have cock if he wants cock.

Okay, $47 to stop saying cock, okay?

Have you ever seen him
look twice at a dude? No.

Enough with the gay thing.
We're not children. Don't say cock.

- Cock.
- Don't...!

- Sorry, I didn't mean to.
- Say cock!

Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock...

Seriously, why won't you even try?

I mean, fresh off a breakup, that's strike time!

- I mean, that's when you do it.
- Yeah, go for it.

Sure, that's what you would do.

You would take advantage of the situation.

I believe that Michelle needed
actual kindness last night.

- No. I bet she didn't.
- Genuine kindness.

- I bet what she wanted...
- Was penis.

Yeah, was a nice penis.

Do you really wanna be the guy
that women confide in?

- Oh, god, no. No, no, no.
- Yeah, you don't.

Then I'd have to make a highly
successful career out of that.

Alright, you don't have to say highly successful.

Michelle confides in me because she trusts me.

That's the point.

Yeah, but therapists can be fucked up
in their personal lives, too.

I mean, Freud banged his mom.

You're an idiot.

Pretty sure they wrote a play about it.

So it's nine days in Santa Barbara that
could potentially change your life.

What's there to think about?

Nine days?
I'll never get that time off from the gallery.

Oh, yes, you will, if you ask.

You haven't taken a vacation
since I've known you.

Besides, it's not a vacation,
it's the start of your career.

Now you sound like Pete.

He'd be so thrilled if I did this.

- Okay, about Pete...
- He's not gay.

I think he's a serial killer.

I do.

He's always 'round here mincing around
with that small waist.

Ugh. Creepy.

And the way he looks at you, that's not love.

He's clocking your every move.

I don't like it. I don't like it, Michelle.

And he dresses better than both of us.

That is gay or serial killer.

Well, I think that he's very...

Kind and he's genuine.

And when I'm around him, I feel... l feel safe.

Listen, I'm sorry, at some point, guys need sex.

- Have you tried it on with him?
- Last night, I was...

I was feeling really shitty about
the whole Charlie situation

and I was feeling very vulnerable, and...
l kissed him.

And he didn't take advantage of that.

Classic serial killer.

- Ooh! Welcome back, ladies.
- Double or nothing.

Okay, $200 it is.

Remind me why you assholes didn't pay last time?

'Cause your mother needed help with the rent.

Okay, let's leave the mothers out of it today, Rich

and let's get our head in the game,
play a little basketball, okay?

You heard dickless, let's go.

Yeah! Straight out of cobra, bitch!

- What time do you get off?
- Midnight.

Luke, she's working.

Took a shot to the nuts.

Might've also dinged his melon
'cause he dropped like a box of rocks.

Alright, just checking for internal bleeding.

Just to be safe, let's order up a cat scan.

- How's your insurance?
- I'm a PHD.

Yahtzee. You know what?
Make it a cat scan and an MRI.

My head is fine.

Look, we just need to be certain
so just take it easy, alright?

I'm gonna do a quick examination.

Just try to relax for me.
Nurse, let's take a closer look, please.

- No, no, no!
- I just wanna see if everything has adjusted on its own.

Damn, they're like little quail eggs.

I've got some, uh, rather serious MRI results.

We found a brain tumor, benign,
thankfully, but quite sizable.

- Jesus.
- It's probably been there for many years

pressed up against your pituitary gland.

The pressure it's applied has caused your body
to produce the female hormone prolactin

which has blocked your normal male development.

We found just trace amounts of testosterone.

Basically, you've never gone through puberty.

- I have a brain tumor?
- Yes.

That...

is...

Awesome.

That is awesome!

Okay, well, seems you're in shock, but...

See, I thought I was a freak!

I thought you're different, but what am I?

I thought, you're some kind of anomaly
but what the fuck kind of weirdo we talking about?

And you're saying I'm normal?

Yes. That would explain why
you've never physically matured

- the lack of hair, the boy balls.
- The what?

Sometimes the nurses coin a
phrase that sticks in your head.

This is the best damn day of my life.

So what do we do now?

Well, given its placement I think
we can remove it fairly easily through your nose.

You're gonna take this life-sucking, puberty-fucking
tumor out of my brain through my nose?

Can we go now?

But why couldn't you tell your
best friends that you're a weirdo?

- You don't have to answer that.
- Why?

Because you just did!
You called him a weirdo!

No, but he has a point.

Who wants to be treated like the elephant man?

But, like, you still could've told us.

I mean, who we gonna tell?

Maybe my sisters, but they're, like, in seventh grade.

Don't tell your sisters.

I'm really close to my sisters.

That's okay.
But do you tell them every time you masturbate?

Not every time.

Hang on, Pete.

So after puberty didn't happen, weren't you, like,
this is fucked up.

I'm really worried about this?

Of course! Yes!
I was worried of people finding out.

I was worried that people were gonna find out
I was a freakazoid with baby balls who'd...

never even had an erection before.

But didn't you think
a doctor could maybe figure out...

No. I never told a doctor about this.
Are you crazy?

Right, 'cause they'd make fun of you?

No, that's not it at all.

I was...

Scared shitless that they'd tell me
that I would be like this forever.

And all I ever wanted was to be normal

and I couldn't let a doctor kill my hope
that normal was possible.

Dude, that actually makes sense.
That's, like, super zen.

I mean, this is great. You're normal now.

You got to tell Michelle,
play the sympathy card, right?

No.

I'm gonna hate myself in the morning for saying this,

but that could actually be
the greatest closing line of all time.

Hey, baby, I've never had an erection,

and I just had elective surgery
to remove a tumor from my brain

and I'm getting my first erection,

looking for the right girl to utilize it on.

Neither one of you fucking
say a word to Michelle! Okay?

Besides, we don't even know
what's gonna come of this.

Well, hopefully you are.

Gonna come from this?

- You know?
- You mean, like... Like ejaculating?

Yes. C-u-m.

It's c-o-m-e.

Recovery should be fairly quick.

But you'll have to take a few weeks off work.

You're gonna be okay.
There's nothing to worry about.

Actually, more like champagne grapes.

Yeah, they are. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm still feeling great.

Hi, honey. We're here for you.

I'm sorry we let you down.

We're not doctors so,
you know, how could we...?

How you feeling?

When Rich told me that the tumor had
kept you trapped inside the body of a 7th-grader

and that's why you've never
had sex or an erection

I felt so happy for you.

This hospital smells so bad...

But... you smell really good.

Now you'll be able to experience the
full essence of your masculinity.

Yeah, right. How about that, pal?

Just... I don't know, kind of reminds me of sex.

Do you wonder what it looks like?

- Just do it.
- I'm not gonna do it.

- Just do it. You're bros.
- Okay.

Just pull back the covers.

- Oh!
- Oh-ho... that's... sweet.

That's gonna improve.

Well, the surgery was a success.

It may take a while before
you start noticing changes

but, uh... just focus on your recovery.

Finally gonna be a man.

And good luck with that.

I'm channeling from your spirit guide.

May the great goddess shakti...

Inspire this blessed heart...

And may the universal energy...

Bring joy and life up through the heart

out into the universe through this human body.

Thank you to our brothers
and sisters of the Pleiades.

Namaste.

Thank you, mom. I really like recouping here.

We all love you, honey.

We all love you!

Look at you!

Everything alright in there?

Yep.

- Hey.
- Hey, how's it going, buddy?

You getting wood yet? Sorry.

- We talked about this.
- Right.

You said you're gonna go in, grab his penis.

I said don't do it. You said you wouldn't.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

We've just been talking
about whether you got wood or not

and I've just been thinking about it
and I just wanted to see if you did.

I feel the same as I did before

and I'm starting to worry that the
surgery might not have worked.

Of course it worked!

You were at a hospital with doctors
who went to school for this sort of thing.

I can't go back to living the way
that I lived before knowing what I know now.

It's going to work, and trust me

you are going to love sporting wood.

I do it all the time.
As much as I can. I love it.

- Yeah, he tells me about it each time.
- Yeah, you know.

You definitely don't have to text me

because my wife and I, we share a cloud.

Don't talk to my wife about your penis!

Fine! I'll get you a different phone
or something so I can text you.

It's not... I don't need a burner for your penis.

How about this?

How about one time you masturbate, don't tell me,
see how that affects your life?

- I'm not gonna like that.
- I have a question.

If you could never actually physically perform...

Like have sex with somebody.

What about that time in high school

that you told us about?

Well, um, technically, there was penetration.

- Great.
- But, technically, I was not erect.

So, technically, it was the worst day of my life.

How did you get it all in there if it's not hard?

She said it was like making
love to a boneless thumb.

- Ah... so specific.
- And right now

I got nothing. Zero.
Nothing happening down there.

Got the penis of Stephen Hawking at the moment.

I don't wanna split hairs, but Stephen Hawking
could actually get an erection.

But you're trying to say that your penis is brilliant.

Alright, well, for your Stephen Hawking
we have brought a black hole...

- Well...
- That... seemed disrespectful.

It's gonna be great.

Come on in. So sorry we kept you waiting.

Pete, Montana is a professional stripper.

Who we've brought here to give you a boner.

I felt like that subtext was very clear.

- I got you.
- Do you get it?

- Yeah.
- Cool. Very cool.

So, Montana... do your thing.

Huh? Huh?

Get out.

No...

- Just go.
- Um, we did pay for it...

Her. Her.

If one thing leads to another,
we could always pay you more.

We won't tell the cops if you guys have sex.

Don't fucking...

- I'm hard.
- But don't tell me. We just discussed this.

- Wow! That's actually impressive.
- Thanks, man.

- How's it going up there?
- Oh, uh, pretty good.

She's a great gal.
I think she's got his best interests in mind.

- Yeah, she's a hooker, Luke.
- Right.

It's not you. Let me just put it that way.

I've been through an immense amount of pressure
personal stress, since about the age of...

Honey, it's okay.

I've been thinking
about getting my real-estate license.

Petey? Breakfast is ready!

I will eat your eggs!

Hey, Carmen, can you get me
some more orange juice, please?

And cut up some apples in little tiny pieces.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, hon.

Hey, pal.

Oh, my god!

- The flame has arisen!
- Touchdown!

He could put out an eye with that one.

It's like he's got the Sunday
times rolled up in there.

- Don't be embarrassed!
- Embarrassed?

Be proud, young man! Take a victory lap!

We got one!

Thanks for everything, guys!

You're not stepping out that door
until you have some breakfast.

- Thanks, mom, I'm really...
- Let him go, hon.

It's time to get on that field and score.

- Gotta go! Gotta go!
- Call me!

- Tell me what happens! Call me!
- Okay, I will!

- Luke.
- Pete! What are you doing here?

Or, no, it's your house.
That's what you're doing here.

But like, today I thought you were
gonna get here... tomorrow.

But it's so awesome to see you.
I'm so glad you're here. C'mere.

- Ah! Naked! Get off me.
- I know you said emergencies only, but...

Rosalyn wanted a place to... Have sex with me.

- So we came here.
- Your bed was really comfortable.

- You used my fucking bed?
- We did it everywhere.

Get the fuck out. Get out.

- Did I do something wrong?
- Get out. Get out.

- Get out.
- Both of us?

- Both of you.
- Now?

- Yeah, get out. Get out.
- I guess we have to go.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.
- Dude! Congratulations!

- That's awesome! That's great!
- Fuck!

Rich is gonna be so excited!

Let's go. Let's give him some privacy.

He just got a boner for the first time.

I'm pretty sure I've got carpal tunnel syndrome.

- It's part of the process.
- My son is already starting.

The other day, I walked in on
him, he's watching Spongebob

his six-year-old Wang
is in a bowl of apple sauce.

- Wow. What'd you do?
- Shut the door gave him his privacy.

Oh, that's what's up.

You know, every moment,
it seems to be a new thought

like a new realization,
and most of them are good.

Like I know for a 100% fact that I
definitely wanna be with Michelle now.

But I'm freaked out. What if she's not into me?

But also what if she does like me?
Now I have something to actually do about it.

Why can't I stop jerking off?

Last night, I jerked it to just
the theme from game of thrones.

I couldn't even hold out for Khaleesi.

The need to Jack off is right there
next to the need to breathe. Okay?

Wanna know how much baby batter
I've shot since I was 13?

- No.
- Twice per day, times...

And I did the weekends, three times more...

Jesus. That's, like, 3.5 million seconds.

Of course you're more successful than I am.

You've had so much more time to get shit done.

If I had all my jerk-off time back

who knows, I could've been...
The leader of the free world

instead of just... West valley Honda.

How are women not running everything?

No, trust me, women masturbate too.

No shit, murder she wrote.
Is there anything else I can get for you?

- I'm Luke.
- I'm off at 5:30.

- Are you a hypnotist?
- Yeah.

- Pete! Hola!
- Hi.

Hey, I've been dying to talk to you.

I have to go to Santa Barbara for a week or so.

I got accepted into this new program
that Bobby flay is sponsoring.

And the end of it, he's gonna select one of us

to be his sous-chef at a new restaurant
that he's opening up in L.A.

- Holy cow! Yes!
- I know!

I can't believe I made it.

I had to submit one of my dishes
and I guess they liked it enough.

So this is maybe my path to becoming
a chef, and it's mostly your fault.

- Come here.
- Uh-oh!

Just realized I'm late and I gotta go.
I'm so sorry.

I would love to hang out with you before I leave.

- Me, too. I would love that.
- Okay.

Pete, welcome back!
Ooh, you moisturize. So soft.

So great to have you back.

You know, I'm trying to
rechannel my sexual energy

but quite frankly, it's been very difficult

it's been a challenge for me.

Well, don't beat yourself up too much,

because if change was easy, I'd be out of work.

You know, the thing is,
it's a common misconception:

Being a furry is not just about having sex.

People think that, but it's more of a
lifestyle than anything else, you know?

Y'know, it's about the memories that you make
the friends that you Cherish and it's about the...

The butts that you sniff, you know?

Once you get your snout
up a couple of good ones

it's like eating potato chips:

You just keep getting back into that bag

until there's nothing left,
until it's just a big greasy bag

and you're licking your fingers at the end.
Did you hear that?

Somebody opening up a... can?

I think I understand your frustration.

Being reduced to animal instincts.

Being dominated like a dog or a cat.

Climbing into the lap of a... of a lover.

Feeling those warm loins next to you...

While she...

Rubs her fingers through your hair
and you just... Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's a huge turn-on.

What the fuck is happening here? Are you...

I'm so sorry, are you hitting on me?

- My mistake.
- Jennifer is 24

and she's a tango instructor.

You know, very limber with the body.

And she has just totally
opened me up sexually, okay?

So, last night, she wanted me to do something
you know, a little different.

So she said, could you just peg me?

I didn't even know what the hell that meant.

I mean, I'm from Connecticut, for Godssakes.

But apparently it has something
to do with a strap-on.

So I put this strap-on on.

It's like this gigantic cock, you know

and she just was having me, you know

just drill her again and again and again.

And I just realized that I like giving

so much more than receiving, you know.

Like the power of, you know, just
making a woman, like, come like that.

And she is screaming. I mean, she
has an orgasm. It's like, you know

it's waking up the cat down the street

if you know what I mean.
And she's into it, you know.

Just watching her face as she comes,
like, again and again and again...

Okay. That's all the time we have today.

No, I'm pretty sure we've
got about 35 minutes left.

Fuck!

Hey, Pete. Nikki's over.

I'm experimenting with some food.
Wanna come over?

Sounds good. I'm not feeling well.

What is taking so long?
I'm starving. Oh, hi, Pete.

- Hi.
- Oh, my...

Hey, would you mind if I pop those on YouTube?

Uh, I think I'll have to take
a rain check on YouTube

and I had a big breakfast, so...

- What is wrong with you?
- What? It's a real thing.

- Keep your eyes open.
- Doc.

Help!

You gotta help me, okay?
I'm losing my mind.

I'm horny, I'm moody,
and I think I'm going nuts.

Excuse me.

It's fine, go ahead.

- I'm sorry, did we have an appointment?
- No, we didn't.

But you gotta help me, okay?
Because I'm losing my mind, doc.

It's really all happening way too fast for me.

Look, just calm down.

I'm sorry the process is so troubling

but because it's been delayed for 15 years

it's actually not surprising
that your puberty experience

is happening at a highly accelerated speed.

- It's actually quite fascinating.
- Oh, it's fascinating? Good.

I'm glad my misery can be an upper for you, doc.

- I didn't mean it that way.
- Can you just give me a pill

that'll make me a normal kind of
human being going through puberty?

That's all I need from you.
That's why I'm here.

If I could create a pill that cured
puberty, I could buy France.

- Hey. Got a minute?
- Yes. Come on in, please, yes.

I'm sorry about Nikki.

Your face looks a lot better, though.

Yeah. You know those guys
at proactiv, that Adam Levine

they just know what they're doing.

Have a seat.

Oh, thanks. I actually can't stay long.
I have to pack.

I'm leaving for that cooking
retreat thing I told you about.

I'm leaving tomorrow,
so I just wanted to come say goodbye.

Oh. Well, goodbye.

Are you okay?

Yeah. No. Why?
Do I seem like I'm not okay?

Ever since you came back from that family thing
it just seems like you've been avoiding me.

Or... I don't know, you just seem different.

It's just, uh... Look, if...

When you come back...
We'll have a lot to talk about.

- Good.
- I'll be ready by then.

To talk. About whatever, yeah.

- Well...
- Let me walk you out!

- Oh, it's okay. Okay, bye.
- Okay. Bye. Oh...

- Okay.
- Bye.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, Michelle.

- Pete, hey.
- Wow, you look great.

How was your first day?

- Dude, I'm getting raped here.
- Shut the fuck up. Don't say raped.

He's not getting raped.
We're just playing a video game.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's cool.
- Hey, what's up, Michelle?

Hey, Josh.
Pete, oh, my gosh.

Things are going so, so great here.
Bobby is incredible. I'm learning so much.

Oh, that's great. So it's Bobby now?

Well, he insisted that we call him Bobby.

He's very down-to-earth.

And totally normal, not to mention very handsome.

- I heard that!
- I got busted.

So... you're at his house right now, just you?

There's a few of us here,
but it's not like... like that.

- Are you drunk?
- She's not sober!

Quiet!

I'm actually teacher's pet, which is quite nice.

But he's very hands-on with all the contestants.

- Oh, I bet.
- Okay, well, I'm kind of in the middle of a game.

I'm glad you're having fun.
That's fantastic.

But I promise to call you tomorrow, okay?

- Yeah.
- Alright. Bye.

Sorry, dude.

I cannot believe that she's chillin'
with master flay like that.

What do you mean?
She's getting extra chef time.

That's good for her.
It's what she wants to do.

Easy does it, Dr. j for jealous.

I'm not jealous.

You're listening to metropolitan public radio.

And this is a safe place.

I'm Noema Willcoxen.

My guest today is Dr. Peter Newmans

sexual-addiction therapist and author
of from sex to success,

a book specializing
in the rechanneling of sexual energy.

- Welcome, Dr. Newmans.
- Thank you so much, Noema.

I just have to say, I'm a huge fan.

And please call me Pete.

It's good to have you on, Pete.

I read your book

and I was fascinated by some of your findings.

First, tell us about the Genesis of your book.

Well, first of all, I'd like to acknowledge

the time-consuming aspect
that sex plays in all our lives.

We see it in movies, we see it in billboards

we even hear it on the radio!

I wanted to draw attention to the vast,
mostly wasted potential

and everyone who allows sex to control...

Their lives! Ahem. Ahem!

- Sorry about that.
- Why don't have some water?

Thank you.

Have a little more. Yeah.

The book shows that...

The pursuit of constant sexual gratification

creates neglect for more important
things like family, career goals...

personal well-being. Ahem-hem-hem.

Do you think you'll be okay to continue?

- I think I'm fine. I'm great.
- Alright.

You know, in reading your book,

I couldn't help wondering
about the basis of your discovery.

If it started with your journey
to remove sex from your life

as you're suggesting others do.

Well, the book's not about me.

It's about people who put their lives aside
in pursuit of their next orgasm.

Orgasm. Orgasm!

So your voice cracked a little bit.
Not a big deal.

That's just one of the changes
you're going through right now.

It's only natural to feel self-conscious
or insecure about your voice or skin or...

- genitals.
- I know what puberty is.

Okay. Let's watch the tone, huh?

No, no, it's okay.

You can act out, baby.

I'm not a baby. I'm a full-grown man!

Yes, of course, you recently are.

We're just trying to relate here.

You're trying to relate to me?
Really? Thank you for that.

How could you possibly relate to me?!

Hey, don't talk to your mother like that.

You don't get it!

You'll never get it!

You're like from another planet or something!

I hate you! I wish I was never even born!

I've been waiting 15 years for him to do that.

Hey, Michelle!

Pete, hey. Did I catch you at a bad time?

No, no, not at all. It's a great time.

- Oh, gosh, what a day we had.
- We?

Well, there's only seven of us left.

And this competition is... fierce.

Oh, you made it to the finals.
Wow, congratulations, that's awesome.

Bobby's inside cooking us
a little late-night snack,

and so I thought I would
come out and see how you are.

So it's you and the sexy chef.

Are you okay? You sound a little... odd.

No, I'm fine, I'm great.
L... love the update.

Alright, guys, dinner's up.

That's the dinner bell. I gotta go,
but I'll try you back if you want me to.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Try me later, that's fine.

Actually, don't try me later. Enjoy the wine.

- Enjoy his dick. Boner appetite.
- What?

- Obsessed with that thing much?
- Yeah, I am.

It's a new app.

A whole new world. This one...

Look, it's couples seeking a third party.

So that'd be me. Like a threesome?

Okay. Cool.
Just concerned with their well-being, are you?

No, I just wanna have a threesome.

I need you to babysit on the 22nd.

What about your neighbor?

What about the one that's so nice
the bubbly I love her so much?

She drank all our whiskey,
filled the bottles with ice tea.

- What about Luke?
- Why are all these couples so oblong?

- Duly noted.
- Come on, man.

It's our anniversary.
Crazy sex shit in a hotel room.

I can't do this around the house.

The kids are gonna smell it.
When we're done with that room

they're gonna have to light some Sage
and use it to set the room on fire.

Okay, I'll babysit! I don't wanna know.

Great.

Fix the resolution.

See? Normal.

- Like me.
- Yeah!

Hey, if you ladies are ready,
you wanna up the fucking ante?

- Yeah.
- Double it?

If y'all wanna give us 400
instead of two, we'll let ya.

We don't wanna give you 400 instead of two.

- But that's what it would be.
- Yeah, but just...

- No, but we're gonna win.
- We know math.

Oh, really? Okay.
Yeah, that's funny, isn't it?

Let's fucking do it!
You wanna fucking play that game?!

Let's go, man! I'm so down!

I'll let you try that one again, son.

Come on, go for it.
You gotta get it. Oh, oh, oh!

You don't want it bad enough, man.

I'll give it back to you. Try again.

- What's your problem?
- Pass or shoot!

Or maybe you wanna hit my fucking nuts again.

That was a completely legal play...

- Shut the fuck up and shoot.
- I'm sorry

- What the hell are you doing?
- He's playing like a man!

- Fine, then let's play, then.
- Yeah, but is he okay?

I will skin your fucking
face off and wear it as a hat.

- Take a shot. Let's play.
- That's a little aggressive.

Let's chill out a little bit, buddy.
Take a couple of deep breaths.

The big guy's about to kill himself.

- I'm not gonna kill myself.
- I'm sorry, is he juicing?

- It's fine.
- Fuck this. I gotta go to work.

- Yeah, that's cool.
- Applebee's, I'll see you?

- See you, buddy.
- Have fun. Have a real...

- Alright. Bye, guys.
- That's a victory for us.

Why are you jacking them off
into your own mouth?

- Oh, hey, man.
- What's up?

Oh, god!
Dude, you smell like an ass taco. Jesus.

Try the arctic force.

It's mint. It's nice. I'll try it.

How's Becky doing?

Officially with Brendan, but she keeps
texting me so I don't know, you know?

I wanna jump in front of a bus, basically.

I'm sorry, dude.

Girls, you know? They just...

You try to be the nice guy, then
all these things get in the way

like hormones and testosterone, mood swings...

- Boners.
- Boners, yeah.

I got one in class right before the bell rang.

I had to stick it in my waistband.

- Sweet move.
- The tip poked out and everyone saw.

Oh, that's harsh.

I just acted confident, like I did it on purpose

and everyone started applauding,
which was unexpected.

The rogue boner.

He's a heartless bastard.

I wish I hated Becky Addams.

I wanna ask her to the spring fling but

I don't know how to exactly,
without sounding like an ass.

School dances are designed to make 10 popular
people feel really good about themselves and happy

and the rest are scarred for life.

Everybody's got their Becky Addams. Trust me.

Is yours Michelle?

No, mine's not Michelle!

I am gonna ask her out whenever she gets back.

That is, if Bobby hasn't filleted her vagina
and put it on a fucking plate.

It's not funny, man.

I have these possessive urges, I can't control them.

They're not based in any form of logic
and it's confusing the shit outta me!

Why does it have to suck so much?

- Like an anvil on your chest.
- You can't sleep, can't eat.

The more uptight you get, the more pimples you get
on your head and back and all this shit.

You're like the only adult who gets it.

I don't know how you don't
know what to do with women.

- I haven't dated much.
- Dude, why not?

You have money, an apartment, a car.

If I was you, I'd be killing it.

Everyone your age has already been laid a ton

so Michelle's probably already
been with tons of dudes.

No, she hasn't.
She's been with Charlie and...

I'll count.

I guesstimate she popped in high school.

That's one, maybe two or
three boyfriends in college.

That's four.
A few drunken one-nighters.

She's classy, let's just say two.

So that's six.

But then there's post-college and
that's when a girl's gotta find her way, right?

So... it's 10 minimum.

- Ten?
- Plus Charlie, so that's 11.

Every girl Michelle's age
knows their way around a dick

so my advice is to get into some
serious R&D before she comes back.

Show her you know what to do with the puss.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, shit.

My... my watch is...

No, no! Wrong hole.

Oh, sorry.

And so you keep having sex...

Over and over and over and over again

because you're scared if you say no

you might not experience enough.

So size, shape nationality, religion,
it doesn't matter.

You just bang anybody who's willing.

But then your balls start to itch...

and you're not sure if you caught something

or if it's your psychosomatic
paranoia kicking in again.

You understand me so well.

I don't have balls or anything,
but the rest of it is dead-on.

Mm, yeah, that's interesting.

She's still out of town.
I don't know when she'll be back.

- Oh, yeah? You talk to her?
- Yep.

- She say anything about me?
- I stay out of her business.

Oh, come on, Phil.

I know you guys are besties.

I messed up. I haven't been...
Putting her first.

But I miss her, I really do.

I mean, you know how great she is, right?

I just... l just wanna make things right.

Hey, if you see her, will you just let her know
that I stopped by and I dropped off these flowers?

- Yeah, I'll do that for you.
- I appreciate that.

- No worries.
- Alright.

Pete!

I just remembered your name is Pete.

I'm such an ass.

No, you're not, man.

Just not right for her.

Sorry, what was that?

- I said, just not the right key in the door.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you give me flowers?

I just saw them,
but you didn't sign the card, silly.

Welcome home.

Thanks. You wanna come over?

- I can put them in some water.
- Yeah.

There's something different about you.

I don't know, maybe it's your hair
it's longer or something, I don't know.

But you look good. It's good to see you.

It's good to see you, too.
You look good, too.

Thanks.

I wanted to ask you something.

- Yes?
- Maybe...

you wanted to tell me about Santa Barbara

and maybe you wanted to tell me
about Santa Barbara over dinner?

Dinner?

Yeah, I could do that.

Give me an hour and I'll tell you more about it.

- So I'll see you in an hour.
- Yeah.

Cool. Alright.

Oh, my god...

Rich. What's up, man?

- Where the fuck are you?
- You are not gonna fucking believe it.

Guess who has a date with Michelle.

No! You're babysitting for me, remember?

Anniversary? Weird hotel sex?

Oh, shit, dude!

The 22nd. I fucking forgot, man!

You need to be on your way right now.

Well, I can't do that, Rich.

Michelle asked me to dinner.
Sorry, man.

Do it another night, okay?

I've had reservations
at Monte Grappa and a suite for a month.

And the things we're gonna do in that suite

we're gonna fucking wreck furniture,

we're gonna lose our security deposit for sure.

- What the hell!
- Hey.

- Is he close?
- Yeah.

Well, he better be,
because I am done being mommy!

I should be choking on a bar
of hotel soap right now.

Because I've been a bad girl, haven't I?

You gotta discipline me, don't you, okay?

You discipline me, not them,
those fucking monsters!

Get the Vaseline and the
cotton balls and the zip ties.

Oh, and you better have changed the
fucking light bulb in the closet.

I swear on my children's lives if you're not here

I'm gonna rip out your brand-new Adam's apple

and I'm gonna use it as a fucking sex toy!

You know what we're gonna do in that hotel room?

Butt stuff.

I didn't wanna tell you,
but you have forced my hand.

Are you kidding me, Rich? Really?

I've been waiting my whole
fucking life for this moment!

Things change when you have children, okay?

You're the one who chose to have kids.

- Right?
- Yes, and I love them.

But right now, I'm not a father

I'm just a guy who wants
to violate their mother.

You know what, Rich?
I wanna do something for myself for once!

Okay, great. Good for you, buddy.

Do it another night. Tonight's my anniversary.

Well, you can move your anniversary, alright?!

Anniversaries are moveable.

This is my one fucking shot at Michelle!

You do not understand how anniversaries work.

It's a specific date.
That's why I fucking asked you.

You're a prick, Rich.

You're an asshole.

You're a prick!

- Shithead!
- What's a shiphead?

Your uncle Pete.

And it's shithead.

Josh, tell me, am I crazy?

How was I being selfish?

You weren't. Hos before bros.

You're exactly right. Hos before bros.

There we go. How do I look?

Outfit's fleek, shoes are weak.

More importantly

girls like some edge, so do not be a nice guy.

Well, nice is the only tune I know.

You cannot be nice, okay?

Be a dick. Be a dick. Gotcha.

Be a dick.

How did you get us a table here?

Chill, sexy on the half shell, I got this.

Well, it's great.

And I hear the food here is amazing,
and I am hungry.

That's good news for me, because I like a girl
with a little meat on her bones,

if you know what I mean.

- Yeah.
- No, no, whoa, Bromo, whoa.

What are you doing?
We did not order this.

It's a welcome the chef offers everyone.

It's lovely. Thank you very much.

- You want this? It can stay.
- Yeah.

Have some.

Thank you.

It was just really great
to get away and clear my head.

You know, you ever have those
moments when you open your eyes

and you just realize
your whole world has changed?

- You have no idea.
- Like, last night I was up late drinking with Bobby.

You would love it.
He has this old villa from 1908

and this amazing cellar with these wines...

Alcoholic much?

And we were out on this veranda

and we were looking up at a million stars...

Okay, we get it.
You had a good time with Bobby.

Are you jealous?

No, I'm not jealous. How could I be?
I'm just concerned.

If I slept with him, do you think
I would be telling you this story?

Hey, you're single.

Say you didn't sleep with him
you didn't sleep with him. Or...?

Why are you being such an asshole?

You're right. I'm sorry.

L...

Am just really, really nervous, actually.

Because I've been wanting to go on this
date with you longer than I even knew.

You don't have to be nervous.

You're Pete.

You're my Pete.

And I don't want you to be anything else.

That's such good news.

Can I start over?

- Please.
- I have so much to tell you.

I've had an interesting ride.

I'm... I'm still the same person that you knew.

I'm still... Kinda silly, a goof.

I still love your food.

I'm still genuine, kinda weird, truthful

- honest...
- Un-fucking-believable!

You stole our table.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Wait, Pete. What?
- I can explain what happened.

What happened is, he broke a promise
to his best friend and then stole our reservation.

I can't believe you stole our table.

You didn't have a babysitter!

Luke canceled a three-way!

Like a real friend would.

This is my soup.

Don't you touch my soup!

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, there's wine for me.

So good, honey. You gotta try this.

Alright, let's do it!

I'm gonna beat your ass, man!
Put 'em up! Let's go!

I have a boner, I can use it to fuck or fight.

Punch him with your keys!

Yeah, you better go.

I'm gonna use my boner to fuck you!

Michelle!

Let me give you a ride home.

- We're going to the same place.
- I already called a cab. It's on its way.

Can you cancel it?

That went completely opposite of
what I planned for this evening.

As did you.

You don't know what I've been going through lately.

Explain it to me, then.

Explain, please because I have no idea
who the hell you are right now.

Some crazy shit has been happening to me.

You're just gonna have to give
me another chance to tell you...

Another chance?
Well, now you just sound like Charlie.

And, oh, speaking of Charlie,
I got a text message earlier

and supposedly he stopped by
and those flowers were from him?

He did stop by and they were from him.

- I didn't think that you...
- You know what?

Stop. Just please stop.

You know what? Fuck it.

You know what? Go back to Charlie!

I don't give a shit anymore!

I'm not gonna apologize
because I enjoy having a cock in my mouth.

My friends don't seem to like it
but I think it feels good in there.

Maybe it's an oral fixation, but...

I know I love it in my mouth

against my face and...

To have his hard cock against my lips.

So stop talking.

Pardon the interruption,
but do you drive a silver Prius?

- I'm in session!
- My office, now!

We have 25 minutes. I'm having you towed.

You are our best and brightest.

How could you allow a patient to fellate you?!

She hadn't yet.

If news of this gets out,
our clinic could be gone overnight!

With this Ned talk coming up,
what were you thinking?

I've been going through a...

absurd amount of personal issues.

That doesn't explain what I saw.
So go home, doctor.

Can I call you to discus the talk, or just to...

Well, why don't we put a pin in that

until we see if your patient files a lawsuit, huh?

Hey.

- You want a beer?
- Yeah.

Cheers.

So how's puberty at 30 going?

Not good.

I don't know what to do with it.

I can't control it.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Most guys can't.

Those feelings and urges...

Start in puberty and...

Never really goes away.

It's in our DNA.

That's why we screw up so much.

You remember the spring
when you were in 5th grade

- I was away in Miami on business for a month?
- Yeah.

I was really at a motel by the Burbank airport

'cause your mom kicked me out.

With good reason.

Such a clich, you know?

Office party, had a few drinks and, uh...

I... strayed.

Once.

But turns out

it's how we repair our mistakes...

that defines us... In their eyes.

I think...

the biggest change we go through...

is discovering the difference
between acting like a man...

And being a man.

Do I, uh...

Do I embarrass you, dad?

No.

No, never.

All those years, I knew something was off

but you're my son...

And I love you...

no matter what.

That's in the DNA, too.

Yeah.

What am I gonna do about this Ned talk tomorrow?

I guess my advice would be to just look this
Ned fella square in the eye and tell him the truth.

Sex.

Everybody's doing it.

As a people, first we experience an attraction,

and then, at some point, we need to get busy.

We average one sexual thought
every seven seconds.

We've got 365 day a year.

Well, guess what, 54 of those days are gone

to nothing else but thinking about sex.

Almost two months combined.

Doing absolutely nothing.

Isn't this amazing?

Long time in the making.

It's a big moment for us.

I just open and close the curtain.

What I believe is that the only way to combat this

is the rechanneling of unnecessary sexual energy.

One of the most important things to keep in mind

is that sexual energy can be...

Altered and diverted.

Sexual energy can be altered and diverted.

I'm sorry.

I had a great talk with my dad last night.

That and, uh...

Recent events in my life,
which we don't have time for have led me to say...

What I'm about to say to you.

It seems that...

there are flaws...

In the theories that I've written.

- What is he doing?
- I understand the murmur.

I spent the last 15 years
of my life not having sex.

Avoiding it.

And I've done a ton of cool shit in my life.

But while not having sex

I've also missed out on some
cool-ass live shit like sex.

And I have to say, I've been, uh...

I've been sampling it lately.

Uh, clinical trials, as we say.

Why are they laughing?

- That's not funny.
- *

As a doctor, I can tell you it's fucking ridiculous!

And masturbation? Are you kidding me?!

Actually, you know what? Show of hands.

Who here polished the dolphin last night, huh?

There it goes.

Okay. I know one of you...

There's not just one of you.

There we go! There's another one!

That's cool! Sex is fucking awesome.

It's nasty, it's disgusting, it's weird

and that's only if you're doing it right.

That's what sex is.

And it's also two people coming together.

And it's, uh... terrifying.

And it's beautiful.

And I've been missing that.

And I missed that in my book.

So what am I saying here?

Well, I know what I'm saying.

Fuck away.

Fuck away!

Fuck away, fuck away, fuck away.

Fuck to your heart's desire,

fuck until your heart's covered in come
I don't give a shit what you do.

Lick some ass, suck some dicks

squeeze some titties, pinch some nipples.

As long as it's mutually beneficial
to the other person you're doing it with,

you got my vote.

We got one shot at this, one shot.

And there's absolutely no way
to do that one shot right without sex.

That's all I got to say.

That was for effect, right?
I mean, you're going back out there...

Have sex, Caroline.

And repeat.

After sex, I'd rinse first and then repeat.

Delaney?

Uncle shithead!

Here's your birthday present!

I was wrong.

What I did was selfish and stupid

and I'm sorry to both of you.

It's fine.
We know you're going through some stuff.

Yeah. But if you ever do anything like that again

I'm gonna cut your dick off,
and shove it up your asshole.

She's not joking.
She knows her way around a dick.

- And an asshole.
- Yeah.

- Michelle went back to Charlie?
- Yeah.

And I don't blame her. L... l suck.

That's too bad.

You guys seemed really good for each other.

- Yeah.
- I wish I had that.

I miss being with someone.

- What about your tinder babes?
- That was fun.

Some people go on there to have sex.

You tried to have sex with
72 different women in a row.

- Oh, my god.
- I know, but I wanna be with someone.

Like you guys. Like in a relationship.

- Yeah. We get it.
- Okay.

Hey, did you hear the news?

Michelle won that sous-chef spot
for that Bobby flay thing.

- Really?
- And the restaurant opens this weekend.

- Good for her.
- Okay, so...?

You should go there, support her.

Apologize face-to-face, like a man.

Do what you gotta do.

You might need to say you're sorry all night
in a million different ways.

I blew it with Michelle.

I'd love nothing more
than to go over and see her

but...

I think l...

Know what being a man is now

and maybe that's doing what she
wants and not what I want.

And I think she wants to not see
my face for a really long time.

- So are you gonna wear a disguise?
- What?

I have plenty of disguises.
You can come over...

- Why do you have disguises?
- I dunno.

How can so much and so little be
happening in that head of yours?

- Sorry, sorry. No more phone.
- It's okay.

- Putting it away.
- It's alright.

I got to sneak out and I had
a lot to do with this soup.

So I just wanted you to try it,
see what you think.

Alright. Alright.

- It's cold.
- It's supposed to be.

Then it's perfect.

Thank you.

Welcome. What's the name, please?

Sir? Sir?!

- It's the mix I made you.
- Yeah, yeah.

You really have a thing about
making scenes in restaurants.

- Just hear me out.
- No! No! I'm busy!

Are you too selfish to realize that this
is a very, very important night for me

and that whatever you're doing, whatever
this is, this is obviously about you?

No, I came here to apologize.

Don't.

Okay?

- I've moved on.
- With Charlie?

That's moving backwards!

- At least I know who he is.
- Hey, is there a problem here?

Pete, please, just leave.

Yeah. Alright.

You are not leaving
until you tell her everything.

Carpe Diem, Dr. Newmans.

Get the fuck... back in there.

Right now.

I never went through puberty!

I thought it would be more of a private moment.

This is good.

I'm 30 years old, never went through puberty.

I had a...

A tumor in my pituitary gland

and it stunted everything.

So when they took it out I had
a lifetime of testosterone that hit me all at once.

So jerkin' it, mood swings,
acne, it just fucking hit me.

Our date...

our date... that...

That was me learning that I had
no idea how to be a man.

I've always known what you're capable of.

Now that I know what kind of man I wanna be
I'd really like it if you'd be around

when I figure out what I'm capable of.

What the fuck is going on here?!

- Okay, um...
- No, no, no!

Who does he think he is?
He's causing a scene.

This is embarrassing.
Let me get him outta here.

I'm very confused right now

but this is bringing up a bigger issue

and I think the issue is...

We're not supposed to be together.

You gotta know that... right?

And I am starting this whole new career
and this whole new life and I just...

I just don't see you...

In that life.

Wow.

L, uh...

Wasn't expecting this tonight.

Glad we could do it in public.

Okay.

If you want me to go, yeah, I'll go.

Yeah, I'm gonna get the fuck outta here.

Enjoy that cold soup.

- See ya, Chuck.
- Later, Chazz.

Get the fuck out of my...

- What the fuck happened there?
- I don't know

I kinda just came alive.

Did I scare him?

- Yeah, I think you scared everybody.
- Fuck, yeah.

L, um, I-I'm really busy

and I have to get back to work,

but I get off at midnight

and if you wanna maybe come by and talk me
through what has been happening with you

and your whole... life...

then I would like that.

That sounds really good.

In fact, you know what?
Fuck it, I'm starving.

- You got a table?
- Not a chance, pal.

I couldn't get my mother a table
in this place tonight.

But I'll tell you what.

Kiss her like it's your last chance

and maybe I'll let you order something to go.

- Yes! Whoo!
- There you go.

And I get so pissed off at my parents!

They're on me about everything!

School, sports, girls!

- They don't get it at all!
- You know what?

I don't blame you. Parents stink.
They just don't get it.

Really? Parents have to stink
so you can pander to teenagers?

No, I didn't get it.
All these years of my study of Kundalini

and I didn't realize your sex Chakra,
the red Chakra wasn't flowing since you were a kid.

- But I'm okay now, mom.
- You're better than okay.

Now you can have your own little bundle of joy.

So apparently you'll also stink in the future.

Oh, no, he's gonna stink.
I'm gonna be the best mother in all of history.

Good to know.

Alright, grandma,
let's let the man sign books.

- Proud of you.
- Thank you.

- See you, pal.
- Bye.

And what's your name, future achiever?

Well, well, well, I see you have
a copy of Dr. Newmans' new book.

You gonna to get it signed?
He's right over there, kid.

I want to, but the line's too long.
I'm not sure my mom will wait.

Oh, I can get you through that line.

I go way back with that doc over there.

Yeah, I actually helped put him on the map.

In fact, I can probably say
I did put him on the map.

He started out at my practice,
he was still wet behind the ears.

- Not much older than you are now.
- Really?

I knew right away he was a superstar.

He had that...

It quality
that undefinable essence that nobody else saw

but I sure as Hyannis port did.

I mean, look at him over there, my goodness.

Lovely wife, baby on the way.

Big, successful author.

Well-paid lecturer on the national circuit.

He owes me a debt of gratitude
for where he is today.

Not that I'm asking for thanks,
I'm just stating that as a fact.

But if I were him, I would thank me.

At least in, you know, the foreword of the book.

And if I'm being 100% truthful here

I learned a lot of things from him.

I can't think of any right now.

No, he doesn't need my help anymore.

Nope, he's got it all... Figured out.

With a smug smile that says:

Yeah, my shit smells like three-dozen roses.

- I think I'm gonna go get in line with the others.
- Yeah, me, too.