The Last Remake of Beau Geste (1977) - full transcript

The place: North Africa

The year: 1906

Our story starts right -
- here...

Legion! Legion!
French foreign legion!

Legion! Legion!
French foreign legion!

Legion! Legion!
French foreign legion!

Legion! Legion!
French foreign legion!

We'll give all off - for France...!

We'll break our balls - for France...!

We're scum and we're ***
but we'll gladly die,

we'd loose all our legs
or at least an eye,



...with great panache - for France!

...and a little in cash...

...cash, cash, cash,
cash, cash, cash...

We're all for one - for France...!

To die as one - for France...!

We'll torture and maim,
we will kill and be killed,

...for glory and fame
we are really thrilled...

...we're shoving the schmucks
- for France...!

...and a couple of bucks...

...bucks, bucks, bucks,
bucks, bucks, bucks...

So bring on the Arabs,
with sabers and knives,

...we'll murder the men,
and we'll rape all their wives,

...for Liberty! Freedom!
Nobility! Money!

...and then...



...perhaps for a change,
we'll murder the wives...

...and rape all the men...!

...for France...! For France...!

For France!

This story appears to start
here in the Sahara Desert -

but it really started some
years earlier - in England

Geste Manor

At last!

At last, Crumble!

A son! A boy to carry on
the family name of Geste.

Geste...

- He shall be a leader of men.
- Men...

- I shall call him "Beau".
- Beau...

- Yes.
- Yes...

- Beau.
- Beau yes...

My boy Beau will be tall
and strong as a tree...

...I know.

- How did that sound to you?
- It sounded like "bye bye, Beau..."

Any news?
Has my son arrived yet...?

Not yet,
but the doctor said any minute.

- Damn blast my sow of a wife, God bless her...
- ...and all who sail in her.

How long does she intend
to keep me waiting?

He's arrived, Sir!
Listen to him crying!

Cowardly little swine.

Is that what he thinks a hero is like?
Bawling like a sissy?

I'll beat some courage into him!

Where are you going Sir?

Out of my way, doctor Crippen!
I want to discipline my son!

- Ahaaa! Before you go in...
...I must tell you...

...I bear both good tidings
and bad tidings.

First...

...your wife is dead.

- And the bad tidings...?

Your son...

...is...

...a daughter!

A daughter ?!

I have no requirements
for a daughter!

You incompetent fool,
I gave you precise instructions!
I want a boy!

BOYS
ORPHANAGE

ADOPTIONS ARRANGED
TO SUIT ALL POCKETS

You could not have picked a
better establishment, Sir Hector.

All my dear boys here,

blessed,
they practice what I preach.

brotherly love, self denial,
and *** onto others.

They don't *** each onto other,
Sir Hector.

You cannot stop the pretty dears.

Now then, Sir Hector, what kind
of a boy was you looking for?

We have all manner here, you know;
high and low degree.

Will you stop that, you
vicious little varmint?!

Now this is a scruffy lot...

...won't do, won't do, won't do...

...and he looks jewish!

I want a soldier, not a dentist!

To be frank with you,
Miss Wormwood,

...I'm looking for something...
...a little more stylish.

You see,
my son has to be a hero.

For the right boy I'm prepared
to pay handsomly,...

...he's got to be tall,

...blond,
must have an aristocratic bearing,

...and the necessary blue eyes,

...a lad to whom I can confidently
bequeath my own noble features.

I shall eventually need him to
reach a height of six feet one,

And naturally he will be brought up...

...with an english gentleman's
attitude and love of slaughter.

That seems to cover the essentials.

Why, you're wheezing, Woodward!
Let's proceed slowly.

That's him.

That's Beau.

Beau Geste!

You are Beau Geste.

No Sir,
my name is Obediah Spittle.

No...

You were Obediah Spittle.

But now...

...you are...

...Beau Geste!

I am Beau Geste.

- Wrap him up.
- Oh, I couldn't, Sir Hector!
He's like my own son!

- I give you five guineas.
- My own son sold for six!

Tell you what I'll do: make it twelve,
and I'll throw in his identical twin brother.

Two sons? Two heroes?

I'll take them both.

Digby!
Say hello to your new papa...

I can't split the pair...!

And so began a new life for us.

Together with Sir Hector's daughter,
Isabel, we became Gestes;

The days flew quickly by...

We were identical twins.

But somehow, Beau was
much more identical then me.

Isabel adored Beau.

He seemed to feel nothing;
but then, heroes aren't allowed feelings.

It was as if I felt his feelings for him.

Beau's destiny was never in doubt.

He wanted a noble death,
and a Viking's funeral.

That's the way I'd like to go, Dig.

Dig, will you set fire to me,
and bury me at sea...?

Well... alright.

But not until you're dead!

- Beau, you won't go and die before me?
- Of course not, Dig.

We're inseparable, aren't we?

Geste et Geste
nil separatum est.

Rear march!

Right turn!

Rear march!
Beau was tought to be a soldier.

He learned to give commands.

And, as for me, well...

...I learned to obey them.

Our life at Geste Manor
concluded as usual.

...Until that fateful night,
when Sir Hector announced...

Beau!

Isabel!

I have wonderful news!

England has been plunged headlong
into a bloody and disastrous war!

- My regiment leaves at dawn.
- Where is this war, Sir?

How the hell should I know?
My vallet has the orders.

The piles of rotting corpses,
the stench of blood...

How it titillates these jaded nostrils!

I suppose I'm just an old
fashioned sentimentalist...

Beau, come with me, I want you to
watch what I'm doing very carefully.

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

One day, you'll have
to do this yourself.

Twenty-nine on right boob...

...and three twiddles on the left.

This is the legendary
"Blue Water" sapphire of the Gestes.

I have seen the Hope diamond...

...I have feasted my eyes
upon the Koh-I-Noor...

Compared to this perfection,
they are pieces of shit.

Beau, this priceless gem is the
foundation of the Geste fortune.

Guard it until I return.

Beau grew into the full
stature of his manhood.

I got older.

Sunday!
Day of rest.

And what of the lovely Isabel?

She practiced and practiced, and
became an accomplished virgin.

Always so damn timid, Dig.
Really come at me, eh?

Beau couldn't help being a hero,
Nature cast him for the part.

Physically he was perfect.

As his identical twin,
I must have been perfect too.

Only, it didn't show so much on me...

Are you all right, old sport?

I think so, yes.

Stop it, stop it! I think I
discovered another movie cliché!

What does it say?

Sudan relieved!

One hundred thousand
english lives lost!

Forty-five thousand
French die!

England wins by fifty-five
thousand! Hooray!

Drive on!

Look! It's the coach!
The Young Master is home!

- Isabel!
- Oh, father!

Digby...

- Beau!
- Father!

Children, I have a surprise,
a very pleasant one for you.

I want you to meet
lady Flavia Geste...

...your new mother!

We got married this morning.

Maman...

...of course this will have to go.

Yes, I must refurbish
this entire house...

...from top to bottom.
I mean it's awful. Just awful.

And that
monstrosity over there...

That's great uncle Fabius!

And that... thing over the fireplace!
Well, it simply must come down!

- But mother, that's the Geste
coat of arms! - How quaint...

No-no-no... down it comes. I want to
do something amusing with a peach...

As you say, my dear...
But isn't it time for bed?

- But it's only six o'clock!
- Oh, is it? Dammit.

Now, the dining room.

...come, come, Isabel;
write all this down...!

Magnificent, isn't she?

Almost makes me feel
seventy-five again.

She's certainly not unattractive, Sir.

I met her in Paris,
embassy reception...

...she just lost her seventh husband.
- Lost or mislaid?

And I want something absolutely
wicked with wall-to-wall hermine...

Don't you think we should
look at the bedroom...?

Yes! I thought we might
do something bizarre,

with a chandelier and
some ostrich feathers...

I hope I have the energy...

Tell Crumble I may
require a step-ladder...

One moment, Sir...!

May I have a moment with our...
...our new mama?

Of course... get caught
upstairs, eggy-pops.

Quite right, give me a head-start...
we should rise together!

- May I talk to you... confidentially?
- What's a mother for...?

Be careful with father;
he's a very old man.

And I want him to become
a very, very old man.

I trust we shan't be...
enemies, Beau?

That's up to you,
I should say.

Good night, Beau...

Good night.

Mother.

Hurry up! I can't hang on to
this chandelier much longer...!

Something terrible has
happened in the manor!

Come on, doggie!

I've given him a sedative.

But it's touch and go.

- Heart attack? - Yes. It was
too much for a man of his age...

He over-came himself...

This may be the first recorded
case of... death by extasy...

Will he pull throuh?

He's a tough old warhorse...

...but frankly, it's a matter of time.

Simply a matter of time.

Oh, how sad. Taken from
his loved ones in his very blime...

You must be brave, mama,
you mustn't cry...!

You're right.
Fear not, dear Hector!

Your beloved Flavia will
sing and dance again!

But he's not dead yet!

Well, it's been four
days, for Christ's sake!

The doctor said three at most!

Incompetent quack...

You might at least allow him
to pass away in dignity...

Of course I shall sell this house...

It holds too many
unhappy memories for me...

Isabel, you're a virgin.
You can enter a nunnery.

Obiously, so can you, Digby.

But...
I have other plans for you, Beau.

My lady, the gentlemens
from Cartier's are here.

- Crumble, the safe.
- The safe, Crumble...

Cartier's, the jewellers?

Surely you don't mean
to sell the "Blue Water"...?

It's mine now, and I shall
dipose of it as I see fit.

Here it is, my lady.

- What happened?
- Probably just a power failure, mother.

- Look!
- What?

- There!
- Where?

- Here!
- Where?

- Gone!
- What?

- It!

Is this someone's idea of a joke?

- Don't look at me.
- I didn't take it.

Not faithful old Crumble.

Very well. I'm going
to put out this light,

count to three, and
put the light back on.

But then I want to see the
"Blue Water" back on the table.

One... two... three.

I'm going to try again.

This time, I want to see the
"Blue Water" back in it's place.

Also, the table.

One, two, three.

My patience is wearing thin.

I shall try once more.

One - two - three.

I knew you would
come to your senses.

Crumble, the police.

Stop!
If you call the police,

it will only bring shame
upon the name of Geste.

Screw the name of Geste!

Well, what do you suggest?

I would give the culprit
until morning to think it over.

- And? Will he think it over, Beau?
- I guarantee it.

You have my word as a Geste

that you will not find that
box empty in the morning.

So, it was you!

N-no, I've just crept down here to
see if the stone had been returned...

- And has it?

All I found was this... envelope.

It's in Beau's handwriting.

I shall be far, far away by
the time you here this letter...

Yes Dig, it was I that
took the "Blue Water"

Sometime a man has to
do what a man has to do.

Look after Isabel, and guard her
virginity as you would your own.

I trust papa will
continue to die nobly...

Adieu, brother!

Wait a minute,
I haven't finished yet!

Thank you.

P.S.: Don't look for me.
Especially in North Africa.

- What are you doing...?
- I'm destroying the evidence.

Good idea.

No.

I shall eat it raw.

The evidence wil be
safely in my stomach.

By the time it comes out in the end,
Beau will be in North Africa.

- I shall confess.
- Will they believe you did it?

I shall just stand up there in court...

...and say...

Guilty my lad.

Have you nothing to say
in your defense?

Nothing.
Not a word.

I refuse to speak.
I shall remain silent...

...until death as befits a Geste...!
- SHUT UP!

I will not divulge
a single secret, not one...

SHUT UP!!!

Digby Geste!

I hereby sentence you
to two years hard labor.

Doesn't seem very much, does it?
Couldn't I give him more?

Did I hear four...?

Four years.

Four years!

Five years.

Six!

Eight years!

Ten.

- Twelve!
- What are they saying?

Going... going...

Fifty years!

Fifty years!

Seventy five years!

NINE HUNDRED
AND FIFTY SIX YEARS!

Prisoner at the bar,

I hereby sentence you to nine
hundred and fifty six years!

...or life.
Whichever is the longer.

Take him away!

Oh Digby!

Don't worry about me.

Beau's secret
will be safe in my hands.

- How's father?
- Still alive and dying...

Good.

Then I have done
whatever it is that I have done...

...for Beau and
for the sacred name of Geste...!

Somewhere in Morocco...

Company, halt!

About face!

Stand still!

Don't move a muscle!

Or you'll be flogged!

New recruits ready for
inspection, sergeant Markov!

My name is Markov.
Sergeant Markov.

And I despise you all.

And I don't even know
you yet, gentlemen.

Komm, mein pferdchen...
hopp, hopp, eins, zwei...

In time, my contempt for you will
blossom into revolsion and digust.

If you are lucky!

What have we here, Boldini?

A shipment of new recruits,
oh my sergeant!

Ja... look at them, corporal...
Oh, God...

A much redder bunch
than we usually get them...

- Your name?
- Smith...

- Name?
- Schmidt...

- Your name?
- Smith... Smith...

Take their numbers, Boldini...

We ask no questions here...

...darn that sock...!

Perhaps he will be good
in the kitchen, huh?

- Your name?
- Jones!

- Jones?

It used to be Smith.
I had to change it.

Officer material...!

- Your name?

- Smith. Reporting for duty,
sergeant Markov.

"Smith. Reporting for duty, sergeant..."

Why do you speak
in this damn silly way?

It's my usual manner of speach
sergeant, I'm sorry if it offends you.

Listen, YOU offend me.

It's your boots I want
to see my face in...

...not your fingernails!!!

You're in the legion now,
here we don't need gentlemen.

Oh, good morning général Pecheur...
comment ca va, mon général...?

I'm a soldier sergeant, and I trust
I shall prove a loyal and a brave one!

- What don't we like in
the legion, Baldini...?

- A smartass...

This one, my sergeant,
Boldini would like to...

Not now, not now...

Your time will come, later.

Now... For all you other Smiths,
my little fledermauses:

You are now in the legion.
You will be soldiers!

And you will learn how to die!

Life is as brief as a butterfly's fart.

But death is something
that you have forever!

From now on,
you will march until you drop,

and when you have dropped,
you will crawl...!

Some may consider
that I am excessively cruel.

But, there is a reason
for this cruelty.

I enjoy it!

- Good night, scum.
- Good night, sarge!

Good night, sergeant!

Good night,
me darling Catherine...!

Good night...
...whoever you are...!

"The view from my window"

Dear Dig, I'm sorry a haven't written
before, but in the legion it's all go...

...busy busy busy,
don't you know.

Weather's spiffy.
Bags of sunshine!

Highs in the upper
hundred and thirties.

The chap here in charge is OK
for a kraut, but not one of us.

Lots to do and see... Haven't had
a quiet moment until now...

Food - not so hot.

Having no ladies makes some
of the men a trifle edgy...

Some of the chaps are
a bit on the... irritable side.

Heard you're in jail for life!

Ah, jeez! Still, knowing you,
you'll find someone to cheer up with.

- How's the lovely Isabel?
- Okay!

And of course, Sir Hector.
How is he?

Still alive and dying,
thank you for asking!

Perhaps one day you'll be able
to get out here and join me!

Until then, ever thine,
your twin, Beau.

I shall escape....
I shall escape!

- Up or down?
- Yes, please.

I'm sorry about all this, but next
week we're having it wallpapered.

Oh I see lady Flavia,
I forgot to tell you...

Your son is in
solitary confinement.

Who are all these
other people, Governor?

They are also in
solitary confinement;

crowded jail conditions,
you know.

Digby!
Digby!

I must talk to you
confidentially.

- WHAT?
- I know you don't have the "Blue Water"

I know that Beau has it, hasn't he?

I refuse to talk. I won't talk.
Not a word! Not a syllable!

Shut up!
I can't hear myself moaning!

- I'm sorry...
- If you won't talk,

I'll find some other way
of getting it out of you!

I shall escape.

I shall escape and join Beau!

Delighted you came, my dear!

And I'd like you to know that you
made a happy man feel very... old.

Oh, thank you.
Now let's get this straight -

In exchange for one hour
of amorous sedaliance...

Just under four minutes, actually...

Really?
Well, one does what one can...

...you wish me to contrive an
escape from my own prison?

Precisely.

To pit the entire weight of
british justice...

... against...

Point taken...

Thank you. It's been a business
doing pleasure with you.

Oh, how power corrupts...
...thank God...

Oh, one thing. Digby lacks
experience. He needs assistance.

Don't worry.
We'll give him a helping hand.

...even if we have to
force him to escape!

I've escaped.
I have escaped!

Where to, Sir?

Morocco!

I've escaped!

Follow that hansom!

Enjoy your meal, please!

My mother's recipe.

The men are complaining about
the food, sergeant Markov!

COMPLAINING?

I don't eat as well as you do!
All alone in the ***'s mess!

We march at the first light.

Our moment of reckoning
will come at fort Zindeneuf...

All day yesterday the sheik's men
have been attacking the fort.

Many brave legionnaires have been
killed in a futile effort to defend it.

Tomorrow, you will be killed
doing something equally futile!

You're only privileged to die once.

Don't screw it up!

Digby Smith,
reporting for duty, Sir!

Join the other dreck!

- Good heavens! Digby!
- Beau!

- Oh, God, it's good to see you!
- And you too!

Geste et Geste
nil separatum est!

What are you doing here?

Where else did you expect
me to come when I escaped?

- Escaped?
- Didn't you arrange it?

Never mind. You're here,
that's what matters!

Well, come along.
I'll show you to your quarters!

Oh, I can't believe it!

- How's it look?
- Terrific!

Oh, by the way, I trust father
is still alive and dying...?

Oh, couldn't be more so.

You know I'd hate for the old boy

to pop off without knowing
I've done him proud...

And...
...what of our dear mother...?

Not got the foggiest, old chap.

Don't worry...
I think we've seen the last of her...

Tell me, Pecheur, what manner
of man is the sergeant Markov?

Oh, he is...
vicious... cruel... sadistic...

Sergeant Markov
is a soldier to the skin...

Appears our friend Beau has
a brother who's a jailbird...

Perhaps our... fine english gentleman
is not all that he is *** up from...

Oh, hurry Boldini...

Komm, little bär!

The usual, oh Masterful One?

- This little piggy went to market...
- Yes? Yes?

- ...this little piggy stayed at home...
- ...stayed at home...?

-... this little piggy had a roastbeef...
- ...roastbeef...!

- ...This little piggy has none...!

- What happened to the
other little piggies?

- Who is it?
- Général Pecheur!

I have a visitor for you!

I'm coming, my general!

- My leg, quick!
- Which one?

Boldini, the dress leg!

Coming, my leg!
...my, my general!

I've got the groove my sergeant.
...Just one more screw...

Keep screwing, Boldini!
Faster, Boldini!

Can't you screw any faster than that?

Every thousand miles
this thing must be oiled!

I'm coming, General!
I'm coming!

All present and correct,
my general!

...my general?

...my general...!

I'll come straight to the point.

- You know my son Beau.
- He's your son?!

Believe me you have a
fine boy there madam!

Bullshit! He's a thief.

Stole something belonging to me.
A large paste sapphire. Well...

...if you can return it to me,
it'll be worth two-hundred-francs.

More than you earn in five years!

In order to recover the trinket...
...I may have to hurt the boy.

Even to kill him somewhat...
...slightly.

You march to Zindeneuf tomorrow,
I shall meet you there.

By that time
I shall have the trinket.

Then the two hundred
francs will be yours...!

- Good night, sergeant Markov!
- Gute nacht, gnädige Frau!

Boldiniiii...!

Yessss... and what's this
down here? Look there too!

More of your handiwork, Boldini!

- You heard?
- Boldini heard, my sergeant.

For two hundred francs,
I could buy myself

a twenty-two carat
solid gold leg!

How many gold legs
could you buy with...

...FIFTY MILLION francs,
oh my sergeant Markov...?

Fifty million?
That's idle dreams...

Fifty million for a paste trinket...?
Noooo....

For the "Blue Water" sapphire!

Aaah, for the Blue...

Adieu, adieu...
mes braves... mes petits soldats...

May God go with you...!

...I have better things to do.

Forgive the interrupcion,
ma petite...

...where were we...?

At page thirty-six,
third diagram from the bottom...!

Oooh...
...c'est difficile...!

I wonder how they do that...!

Ohhohoo...
c'est formidable...

Pardon, mon empereur,
but this is not even for your eyes...!

Arabs!

Battlestations!
Kriegsmanöver!

Fire!

Good shot, Dig!

Wind compensation - zwei und
zwanzig degrees, true North!

...zwei und zwanzig degrees,
true North...!

***

Und - feuer!

Scheissmerde!

AJAX
CAMEL INFLATOR

Excuse me...
Am I in any sort of danger here?

Digby, look...
Look, they got our flag!

We'll have to get another one!

You take that side,
I'll take this.

Good luck!

Jump it!

We interrupt this important battle
to bring you the news...

...the score is twenty-three dead,
seven wounded on either side.

We'll be right back to the action,
right after this message...

HONEST HAKKIM
OFFERS YOU A GENUINE DEAL

Shalom, Salam,
welcome effendis!

I wanna tell you something...

...you want a good set of humps,
come to camel-lot...

...come to Hakkim's camel-lot!

I've got here the best deals in town,
look at this here -

...this is our customized animal,
this is a beauty...

...this one has been
just recently de-humped.

Comes with an automatic mouth-wash,
you can't miss a deal like this...!

Here we got the bargain of the week,
one lady owned camel...

...this camel has never gone anywhere,
just stood around looking good...

...come on down,
take advantage of me!

This is a beautiful animal.
This happens to be a convertible.

You take off the hump,
you put on a couple dots...

...what have you got
in the summer, you got a giraffe...

...the kids will love it!

Come on in!
Over here I got a special couture...

This camel is serviced
four times a day!

...by that camel.

In fact, I'll put them together,
you can be a two camel family!

That's all I'm gonna show you...

...I got the biggest
camel-lot in the whole world...

...not to mention the valley.

So you come on down,
you take the trail to fez...

...just stop and you make a left turn
over at the first sand dune heading east...

...you come on down,
bring the kids...

...I'll stand upon my fez
until my face is such a mess...

See Hakkim, see Hakkim,
see Hakkim...!

And now,
back to the battle...!

Digby...!

Looks like
we've beaten them off, Beau.

They'll coma again at dawn.
They always do in sthis kind of story.

Now remember...
Save your last bullet for yourself!

Yes, I'd like a souvenir...

Oh, Dig...
If I'm pipped before you are...

...don't forget what we agreed.

- The Viking funeral?
- That's the ticket.

Make sure I'm buried at sea.

Might be a bit tricky out here,
but I'll do what I can...

Geste et Geste
nil separatum est...