The Last Film Festival (2016) - full transcript

[birds screeching]

[rustling]

DIRECTOR: Cut God damn it.

Cut.

We gotta do it one more time.

That was a no go for sound.

Did you feel the
angst in that or what?

DIRECTOR: What?

Oh right.

Yeah.

We've got to go one more time.



Damn.

One more.

Scene 10M, take 13
B-marker, A-marker.

DIRECTOR: Faster.

Slower.

We gotta do it again, ZZ.

More intense.

Give me macho.

Give me more macho.

Fierce.

Cut.

Good.

Did you feel I was-- I was
doing this more confused look.

Did you pick up--
how did it read?



You know.

There are 4,000 fucking
film festivals in the world.

3,999 of them have turned
down Barium Enigma.

Just a second, Larry
I'm on the-- I've

got another call coming in.

Yeah Tony, listen.

I'm on another call, so
I've got to get back.

I'll call you right back.

I don't know how they picked
me for the humanitarian award,

Larry.

If I'd wanted one of
those fucking things

I would've bought
it when I was flush.

I'll go to hell in a
hand basket if they're

going to show "Barium Enigma."

I'll play Mother Theresa in
drag if you get my drift.

Now Larry I want
you to be there.

You're gonna be there, right?

Oh listen I've got-- I
got an incoming Larry.

It's the piranha calling.

I gotta take it.

Bye buddy.

Bye.

Nicky.

Tell me.

What exactly is this
"Ohee" festival.

O'hi It's the O'hi
festival sweetheart.

It's an edgy on the
cusp kind of festival

where they discover
the latest edgy films.

You know I'm going to turn the
car around if that talentless

embryo is coming.

Listen.

It's bad enough I
had to act with her

You have been a doll
through this whole thing.

A Saint.

You've got my word.

That's exactly why I worry.

Oh hold on.

I've got an incoming.

Gotta take it.

Don't--

Yeah

Hi honey.

Darling.

I just wanted to make sure
that she wasn't coming.

Because if she's
coming, then I'm not.

Baby.

Sweetie come on.

Would I lie to you, my love?

I told her that
she couldn't come.

She's sulking in New York.

You did not.

Oh yeah.

I told you I'd take care of you.

You know I love you.

Stop, you.

And you know what I'm fucking
going to do to you as soon as I

get you alone don't you?

Oh.

Hey.

Hold that thought, OK?

Just hold that thought.

Just one second.

One sec.

One sec.

Hi no, no no no no, you
can't go under 52 per share.

Yeah-huh.

Don't put me on hold, Nicky.

I never approved the
photos, and now you

expect me to turn up without
even seeing a rough cut?

Got another incoming call.

I've gotta take it.

I'm not finished.

)Be right back.

Baby, I bought
you a new sex toy.

[moaning] You're so bad.

I've got an incoming--
just hold-- hold on.

(moaning)

Oh, oh, oh.

Um, yeah?

Are you masturbating?

Oh hello- I-- I-- yeah,
no I wa-- I was just,

I have the TV on.

A little DVD.

A little, you know, soft porn.

Considering your
age, I'm sure it is.

OK, let's get going.

Here's your wig, Chloe.

My wig.

Ugh, it's sticky.

[music playing]

(voiceover) I feel so excited.

I'm so happy.

Uh, I'm so-- uh.

I can barely keep
my hand steady.

I just, I feel so excited.

You know that feeling
when you just know you

and your destiny that
they're about to meet.

Today, it's gonna happen.

I feel so alive.

Sorry that's insensitive.

Oh, God I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I'll see you later.

Wish me luck.

Hi, O'hi.

I'm Stephanie Stapleton.

Good morning and thank you
so much for joining us.

As we all know,
shearing sheep has been

a tradition for 9,000 years.

From Abraham to O'hi
where it was perfected.

The stolen ball of
yarn is a symbol

of the death of
the American dream.

We now can announce an
unbelievable tourist attraction

that cannot be stolen from us.

It's the first annual
O'hi film festival.

[music playing]

O'hi my O'hi you
mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi there's no
place I would rather be.

Breaking news bulletin,
folks, breaking news bulletin.

Due to an infestation
of chipmunks,

the O'hi film festival has been
moved to the local high school.

O'hi High School.

Do not go to the town lodge.

You will be up to
your ankles in feces.

Yarn is murder.

Yarn is murder.

Yarn is murder.

Yarn is murder.

Yarn is murder.

Driver, where the fuck are we?

[music playing]

O'hi my O'hi you
mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi there's no
place I would rather be.

there's no place
I would rather be.

No, that's so nice.

Thank you.

OK.

Oh hi.

Hi.

Hello thanks.

Hey we need to talk.

Ah, Beautiful.

Yeah why haven't you
been returning my calls?

Don't bullshit me,
you've been dodging me

since the film mixed.

I directed a masterpiece
and I haven't seen a dime.

You didn't get the
wire transfer yet.

Man I'm gonna
have the director's

guild so far up your ass if
you mess with me on this.

We're all friendlies here.

Yeah, we're all
friends if you pay me.

Pay me my money.

It's in the mail.

Check's in the mail.

Well the excitement is
at a fever pitch here

in downtown O'hi where
throngs have gathered

to watch Hollywood's
best and brightest,

the tinsel of Tinseltown,
come and walk the red carpet.

The reddish carpet.

Stop it.

What is she doing here?

Oh you look so beautiful.

You swore to me that
she wouldn't be here.

Have you seen Larry?

What?

Our agent

Are you listening to me?

No, no, no.

I need to talk to her.

No, no, no we can't
talk about it now.

You're impossible.

We can't talk about it now.

No, no no, no, no.

What an ass hole.

So sorry.

So-- may I interrupt?

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I'm so sorry.

What?

May I shoot you please?

And, oh my goodness, the mayor.

Oh it is great to see you mayor.

Oh, you too Steph.

It has been rumored that
the festival is actually

a way to distract from
the tragedy of the missing

giant ball of yarn.

No, no.

This is not a distraction.

This has been in the
works for months now.

It is a tragedy-- the
loss of the ball of yarn

is a tragedy-- because
it is in fact the largest

ball of yarn in the country.

And I just want to say that
when I'm elected governor,

I will use all the
resources at my disposal

to solve this heinous crime.

[rooster crows]

You look unbelievable.

Oh, oh, oh thank you.

Beautiful Mag--
mag-- magnifique.

That's French, you're French.

Thank you so much.

I'm not French.

I am Italian.

Oh, fanta-- you look better
on cell phone than film.

Oh, well thank you.

I'm such a fan.

It's OK OK.

OK.

No, I am.

I-- I-- I'm just so
excited to meet you.

You have no idea.

You're like Eliz--

Yes

You're like Rita Hayworth,
or like an Ava Gardner,

or like Lana Turner,
but brunette.

All of these people are dead.

Well, yes, but and you will
too, but when you're there,

you'll be right up
there with them.

Oh my God.

Where is my ex-husband?

Just magnifique.

Unbelievable.

I think I have to go now.

I don't know.

Excuse me, Excuse me.

Of course.

My God, please.

My God they leave me here
standing here like an idiot.

Oh my God.

And here we have the producer,
world renowned Mr. Twain.

Please, Stephanie Stapleton.

Come on over here.

Right over here.

It's great to see you sir.

Welcome to O'hi.

I'm absolutely
thrilled to be here.

To have the public
have an opportunity

to see Barium Enigma.

We have heard that the film
can be a little bit confusing.

Can you comment on that?

No one's seen this film.

That's blog talk.

Blog talk.

And what about the male star.

Our very own Zachary.

Is he going to
grace this carpet?

ZZ will be burning up this
red carpet any minute now.

Oh my God it's him.

But wait, I can be ZZ.

Ass hole.

This is very nice.

But it's not me.

This is Julie Christy.

Scusi.

You're a brunette.

Yeah, you know,
it's my new wig line.

And uh you know, it's so easy to
throw them on, change your look

up, great colors, so natural.

And wonderful for
cancer patients

who want to be stylish as well.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Your dress.

It's gorgeous.

Yes it's actually it's actually
from my new clothing line.

It'll be out this fall right
after my book comes out.

You have written a book.

I have.

It's a book of
inspirational poetry

drawn from my life experiences.

It's great.

It's called Diva
in the Limelight.

It's an in-- it'll
be an inspiration

to all who read it I'm sure.

Do you have a message
for any young women?

Yes.

You know, you can buy
my clothes, my hair now,

and all of my-- my makeup
products are out there too.

So you can look gorgeous,
natural, and sexy.

The line is of course
called Dashing Diva.

I don't care.

You can tell her
whatever you want

as long as you don't
tell her the truth,

if you know what I'm saying.

Where the fuck is Larry?

Hold on one sec--
Larry really wanted

to be here but he's so busy.

And he sent you?

Yeah.

Cynthia OK.

No, no, no don't don't
don't put her through.

Who is that?

It better be the publicist.

The publicist
quit two weeks ago.

What the fuck?

And no one told me?

Who is promoting my film?

I need a website.

I need a blog.

I need test screens with
guaranteed good results.

No, yeah I'm still here.

I need that product tie-ins.

What the God damn have you done?

You've done nothing to
get my movie out there.

I'm-- I'm working on it.

Every-- every minute.

Don't give me that shit.

I'm the one that's dealing with
these loons and the clowns that

are running this show.

I have to listen to that snot
nose of a fucking director.

I'm babysitting
the fucking actors.

And what the hell are you doing?

You're on the fucking phone,
you're on the fucking phone.

OK, OK.

Just wait one minute.

Yes yeah I'm still here.

No, just, just read
the numbers back to me.

I know they're not--

And where is ZZ.

You had one job to
get him here on time.

Get off that fucking phone.

You don't talk to him, you talk
to me you useless little prick.

Hi it's me.

Sorry about that, my phone died.

Going to the O'hi
Film Festival.

Show the clip.

Well, right now I'm
shooting a film.

Yeah, The Second Coming.

No it's not a porno.

It's not a porno.

I have done porn.

No, the light is not good here.

I'm so sorry.

The light Is not good?

You have to fix the light.

Please--

Oh my goodness.

Put the camera away.

OK, well come on Jim
help me or something.

Mr. Twain.

Move the light.

I come in when
you fix the light.

OK, I'm so sorry Claudia.

I'm so-- keep
rolling, keep rolling.

Are you--

Wait a moment.

No, no, wait.

Stop the camera.

Wait, wait.

Please put the camera down.

Wait OK.

And how is that?

Too close, darling.

No put it away.

I'm going to happen if

I am so sorry.

I'm really sorry
we're just, you know.

There's no way to win it.

All right come on.

No, no.

Momentito.

He shoot a little bit.

Come on get in here.

No, no he hasn't
shot anything yet.

He shot it he just shot--

Wasn't long enough.

I have to see how
I move my face.

OK we talk.

We talking.

Madame, it's OK.

Wait a momentito OK.

Thank you so much.

OK you can cut now,
and I have a look.

Ooh, watch out Mr. Twain.

Take a look.

Take a look.

Oh, OK.

Oh goodness

The glasses--

You need the glasses?

I need the reading glasses for
the-- Oh it's not so bad now,

it's OK.

You look ravishing,
you really do.

No, no please please.

Don't give me compliments.

I don't want compliments.

I know what I look like.

OK it's OK.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

OK

All right all right.

We're all happy now.

I can take my glasses off, OK.

Oh look at those
gorgeous baby blues.

Thank you.

I am so excited to
have you both here.

And I just wanted
to know, how do you

feel about being up for the same
award, Best Actress for Barium

Enigma.

It's--

Is that news to you?

No.

It's news, it's an honor
for that to happen.

You know.

No it is I who am
honored, I am honored.

She's, you know, she's just
a living legend, you know.

It's just so great
to work with her.

It is wonderful.

It is wonderful to
see you both together.

And just the love that I feel.

It's tangible for everyone.

Where are you going?

Let's meditate.

All right.

Let's go straight.

Start with three deep breaths.

Ask yourself, what's
on your plate?

Do you think you are
ready for what's next?

I was expecting it.

Centuries of consciousness.

Focus your chakras.

Go deeper deeper.

Hitting dead ends?

Going nowhere?

Feeling stagnant?

Unfulfilled?

Well--

What is the film about?

About this young girl
who's-- who's struggling.

She's torn between whether she
wants to go help save the world

or, or finish her senior
year of high school

so she can get into
a good college.

Centering on the mother
of a Kung Fu biology major.

It's a post
apocalyptic thrill ride

with a strong
environmental message.

My work speaks for itself.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today

in welcoming you all to O'hi.

O'hi

What is he?

An undertaker?

Yes he is.

I'm Harvey Weinstein
I'm your, uh, I'm

your festival president.

Oh my god.

That's not Harvey Weinstein.

Yes, yes he is.

I'm inviting you all to the
first annual film festival.

This is where
movies come to die.

Yes.

Nick Twain.

I recognized you from
In Touch Magazine.

Mayor Marian, I would
recognize your voice anywhere.

You smell good.

How do you like
our little town?

It's definitely
the kind of place

that we would shoot
a small town picture.

When you think ZZ
Reed will get here?

Well, um, you know,
he's shooting a movie.

He should be here any time.

There's not even a bar?

Damn.

What's this?

What is this? [zap]

But he is coming?

Oh, I promised he'd
be here, he'll be here.

I kept my part of the deal.

Make sure you keep yours.

It's all taken care of.

festival.

Our esteemed panel
of judges will

decide who wins the
O'hi spindles, which

are modeled after O'hi's great
spindle of yarn, rest in peace,

and awarded only to the best.

And uh, here come the
viewings, the screenings

of-- of the films.

The wheel here?

Yeah yeah.

No.

Get out of here.

You stupid.

That one is going mad.

Call the god damn cop.

Police.

At this point.

Now sometimes it says
get your water in first

I've always been
taught you first start

with the detergent
at this point,

and then start the water cycle.

Sometimes she forgets.

[dogs barking]

[breaking glass]

[sirens]

[gunshots]

[scream]

[suspenseful music]

[dogs barking]

[tires screech]

[scream]

Is this you?

I would've just texted.

It this your normal fan mail?

I didn't go in [inaudible].

Just as a matter of
interest, why the fuck

are you in the business?

Pussy and Laker passes, baby.

What?

What do you want me to say, huh?

That I love movies and
it's been a passion of mine

since I was a kid.

That I spent my
allowance renting DVDs.

Do you?

Why are you in the business?

Sophia Loren.

Her first American
film I was 16.

Man, she was incredible.

So my friends and I, we just
saw it over and over and over.

And one day, I was hooked.

Angelina Jolie.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.

We're in the biz.

[speaking chinese]

[music playing]

HARVEY: So tell me something
about your film, sir.

Go ahead, you're a director.

What's going on with the film?

ALAN SMITHEE: MY film is a
remake of "Gone with the Wind."

I use trained chimps.

HARVEY: OK.

But with the right
lens you couldn't

tell the difference between
Kokomo Junior and Vivian Lee.

They're almost identical.

HARVEY: Oh, by the way,
the television station

WOHI is here.

O'hi.

HARVEY: Yep, thank
you for coming.

And what is your
film about, sir?

How do you even answer that?

What's the ocean about?

What's sand about?

What's sky about?

It's about passion.

All right, man.

It's about-- fucking your heart.

[applause]

Oh, thanks.

My film is about an
African American director

in an African
American wheelchair.

Starring an African American,
produced by an African

American, edited by
an African American,

about African Americans.

[applause]

HARVEY: So for those who
don't know, obviously,

African American is the name
of-- the politically correct

for black.

That black is African American.

Right, yes.

No, it is.

But for those who were like--
like I was brought up on some

you know uncle, like '30s--

What's your point?

What are you trying
to say to me?

MALE: Yeah, just say it.

Because you are in a wheelchair
are you angry like Spike Lee?

Like is this genetic
that you can't walk?

No, it's because I got
shot, mother fucker.

[applause]

I can't walk but
my films have legs.

[applause]

Really well said.

[applause]

Um, hi, I'm a mom.

MALE: Oh, yes.

Thank you.

MALE: That's what
I'm talking about.

HARVEY: You look
like Ava Gardner.

Rita Hayworth, you look
like Rita Hayworth.

OK.

Veronica Lake.

I just don't know any of the
people you're talking about.

She's one of the legends.

I still don't know who
you're talking about.

She was known as Hair.

She ended up as a waitress at
the Figaro Cafe in her 50's

She lost all of her money
after "Sullivan's Travels."

She became a prostitute.

Anyway, I had a question
for each of the directors.

And though I have not
seen any of the films,

I was wondering if
any or all of you

have had a chance
to meet Paula Abdul.

You may know because Paula
is half, she's mulatto.

Right?

I'm not trying to be-- I'm
not trying to be racist.

I grew up in the
'30's-- all right,

I didn't grow up in the '30's
but I watched stuff from

the '30s.

And I just love
the beauty of skin.

And a lot of the
black-- the blacks

in the black and white films.

African Americans
in African American--

They didn't call them African
American and white films.

They called them
black and white films.

Just letting you know.

Can you shut up for
10 seconds or less?

Does anybody else
have a question?

Yes, Sam Feldman,
aspiring actor.

Is it true that
directors get to sleep

with the stars of their films?

I hear this is another
way to get to the top,

according to the little rascals.

Buckwheat was also-- uh,
slept his way to the top.

This is an old-- I'm
not, it's not racist.

I'm just saying--

Do you have a problem with me?

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't--

Do you have an issue?

Do we have a problem?

HARVEY: No, no, please.

You're ride is caught
in the chair, dude.

Hold on.

OK, go back.

FEMALE: Excuse
me, I have to pee.

I just had a really
venti skim chi.

I have to pee.

Do you have the key?

Oh, yes, we have one here.

FEMALE: OK, thank you.

Good luck, everybody.

Sorry.

If you wouldn't
mind signing out.

We have a bathroom sign out.

It's part of the festival.

O'hi.

All, right.

Just this way.

Go ahead.

Uh, and I don't, I don't
have a sharpie on me.

I apologize.

But I was just wondering if
you could sign that for me.

Oh, no.

Not of this photo.

No, this photo's the
bane of my existence.

Beautiful.

I wanted to be the
greatest dramatic actress

of my generation.

BAFTAs and Oscars and-- But you
know my husband, my ex-husband,

he forced me to be the sex idol.

It's not me.

Yeah?

What the hell is happening?

Where are we?

Where's my hotel?

We, uh, this is where you'll be
getting ready for the festival.

I even got you a key.

69, which is the-- no.

It's the year, 1969, that you
got, uh, your first film became

huge.

Give me the key.

OK.

FAN : He's so hot.

Maybe we can meet
him at the festival.

FAN #2: God, hope so.

Can you imagine
seeing him in person?

Really?

[music playing]

O'hi, my O'hi, you
mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi, there's no
place I would rather be.

Too much of cheese.

Too much of meat.

Too much of salty, salty.

Impossible.

Oh, my god, all the
sandwiches looks good.

Don't you have, uh,
anything healthy?

Would you like a hamburger?

Fruit?

Fruita?

Something without the sugar.

No, ma'am.

I'm sorry, we don't.

Give it a rest.

This ain't The Ivy.

I specifically told you
not to bring this girl

to the festival.

And since when do I start
taking orders from you?

You know I have to do
what's best for the film

and she is key to reaching
our target audience.

Since the principal
investor is due by limited,

and I am due by
limited, don't you

think perhaps you
should reconsider

who is key to this film?

Limited I understand.

Excuse, I have to take
this terrible food.

I give into America.

I give in.

I have high cholesterol a little
bit, but now I'm going to die.

I was going to
take a piece of pie

but I guess I'll just
take the whole pie.

You're going to take the whole?

Well, wait a second.

No, don't.

I'm in a fucking
cafeteria in a high school.

No, it's not a
real film festival.

It's the stupid, stupidest
thing I've ever--

Oh, excuse me, miss.

Excuse me, that's
reserved for the talent.

You can sit here.

Oh, OK.

Thanks.

Yeah, hold on, I got one.

5'6", light brown hair.

All right, I'm going
to call you back.

Bye.

Hi.

[music playing]

Oh, wow.

Hot, hot.

FAN #3: Will you marry me?

Look over here.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Sam Feldman.

JUNIOR AGENT: You
know we were actually

in the middle of a
conversation here.

Thank you, Libby.

Um, so I am a working actor.

I took a head shot on
one of security cameras.

This was my employee
of the week photo.

You know what, Sam, I was
in the middle of something.

Hey, you ever though
about being an actress?

Jermaine Johnson.

Your card is black.

African American.

A little bit more
African than American

if you know what I mean.

I play all the vegetables too.

I see.

And it's basically like
I'm left alone at night.

I could see that.

Oh.

I could.

I could see that.

I think you'd be--

OK, great.

I'll just put my
number in your phone.

So I don't know how.

I'm going to, I'm going to
write my number on your phone

because I don't know
how this thing works.

So I'll just write
it on the back.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't write it.

Don't write it.

OK.

Chloe, Chloe, sign my picture.

Sure.

To Decker.

You want to hang out?

Here we go, ladies and
gentlemen, Mayor Urgitt.

There you go.

[applause]

Thank you, ladies and
gentlemen. for being here.

Anybody still hungry?

We want to thank Sam
Feldman, who's market donated

all that delicious food.

[applause]

MAYOR: Thank you, Sam.

I know that one or two of
the Hamburger Hill hamburgers

were a little under done.

But I think that, I
think, that they're

probably-- I don't think
there was a problem.

HARVEY: I had one.

MAYOR: We come now to
the most exciting part

of this festival, the
prestigious humanitarian award.

And we're giving it to a
wonderful really deserving man.

And I want him to come
up here, Nick Twain.

[applause]

MAYOR: Come on up here, Nick.

But before we give him the
award we have a little surprise.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

SPEAKER (ON TV): Nick Twain,
an All-American success story.

Nick Twain's forefathers
came over on the Mayflower.

His kin were among the first
to travel across the wild west.

Two Twain brothers got separated
crossing the Oregon trail.

And that's how we got
the expression never

the Twain shall meet.

It's in his autobiography.

[applause]

I did.

I did.

I wrote about it.

That was, um, that was great.

And I know that there are
a lot of you out there

who have some wonderful
things to say about Nick.

So I'd love for-- we could
start with the stars of "Barium

Enigma," ZZ Reed.

Uh, he's been delayed.

Oh, he's still not here yet.

Um, Chloe Blakely?

HARVEY: Chloe?

Oh, my god.

She must have stepped out.

Claudia?

[applause]

Oh, we were married 15 years.

We have a two dog.

He like very much when
the dog lick his feet

and they share a bone.

He was a big tipper.

That's about everything
that was a big.

[applause]

Thank you, Claudia.

There couldn't be a
more deserving man.

I mean this is a man whose
heart is as big as his--

I have something that
I would like to say.

We have one more.

A fan, obviously.

Can we have a fan up here?

Hi.

Hi, it's good to meet you.

Hi.

Speak right into the mic.

I will--

Don't be nervous.

Go ahead.

Well, I know
everything about you.

Oh, well.

I've read your book
and I don't know

what I can say about you that
you haven't said yourself

except for the fact that,
uh, you came to this town

24 and 1/2 years ago
and met my mother.

And it was such a
great honor for her.

And she threw herself on
you and you slept with her.

And you impregnated her.

And I am the spawn.

And you see, you feel nothing
because I am your daughter.

I have this birth
certificate to show you.

Thank you, young lady.

Thank you.

I'm-- here please.

And I also have your DNA.

And I'm going to be vindicated.

All right well this is--

Not a gun.

Not a gun.

No, it's not a gun.

I don't know what
she's talking about.

All right?

I don't have any idea.

I do not know either.

REPORTER: Nicholas Twain
had sexual relations

with a cheerleader
from our very own O'hi.

It makes us feel thrilled
at our close knit connection

to Hollywood.

I also am an illegitimate child.

HARVEY: Well,
congratulations, Nick.

The humanitarian award.

[applause]

Thank you, Harvey.

Thank you very much.

This is a moment that
I will cherish forever.

Thank you.

Nicky, amore.

You slept with an
under aged cheerleader.

And while we were married.

If I had a nickle for every
time somebody accused me

of being their father
I'd be so rich.

You don't have a nickle.

Now, you don't know that.

Yes, I do.

The fresh flowers in your foyer
are so dry they are crumbling.

And your soft towels
in your powder room,

they are going gray.

And you're Mexican maid,
she's not even a Mexican.

You are disturbed.

You even sold your watch.

The beautiful watch
that Cubra gave you.

And you said that you
would never part with it.

I prefer my gold Rolex.

Your gold Rolex
isn't even real.

Oh, if you had a
nickel you wouldn't

have asked me to invest in your
bomb of a movie, my darling.

The reason that you invested
in my bomb of a movie

is because it's the only way
you can get a fucking part.

You're a cocksucker.

Oh, I wish I was
a cocksucker, then

I never would have married you.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I'm not-- I didn't,
I'm not, I'm not here.

Please go, go about
your business.

I wasn't, uh, you just,
you look fantastic.

OK.

God I'm--

[phone ringing]

Where the hell are you?

I'm at a rinky dink rest stop.

No, Nick, I don't know
what's wrong with it

because I haven't driven myself
anywhere in the last 10 years.

I've been hitching for
the last two miles.

OK?

And no one has
stopped to pick me up.

I mean doesn't
anybody know who I am?

MAYOR (OVER SPEAKERS):
Nick Twain, Nick Twain,

report to the principal's
office immediately.

I gotta go.

I'm being summoned to
the principal's office.

MAYOR: Don't you think it might
have been worth mentioning

that you had been here before?

That you knocked up
some high school kid.

How many careers are you
trying to destroy today?

NICK: It's all a
misunderstanding.

I mean besides. it's not
even that big a deal.

MAYOR: Well it may not
be a big deal to you

but you're not
running for governor.

I have family values to uphold.

NICK: Governor, you say.

Oh, I love a woman in power.

It's very, very sexy.

No luck.

No luck but nice hair.

Psyche it up.

Psyche it up.

Psyche it up.

Yeah.

What a day, huh?

[band playing music]

[moaning]

Mama mia.

Oh, god.

[laughter]

My god!

What are you doing in here?

Now, get out.

Now, get out.

Why, you don't
have to put that on.

Get out!

I'm sorry.

Go!

Do you mind?

That cream is not good.

That's not good for your skin.

Cheap stuff.

Doesn't cover your wrinkles?

I hope you brought
something to cover

your complete lack of talent.

Coming from the B list actress.

Washed up B movie actress.

Sorry.

I may be a B movie
actress but at least

I didn't have to sleep
with everything in sight

to get the part.

Well, from what Nicky's told
me you wouldn't have gotten

very far that way anyway.

Oh.

So where will you be?

Let's have a look
at you in 20 years.

For one thing, I'll be
about 10 or 15 years younger

than you are now.

You think you're so sexy?

Ow.

[screaming]

Oh, oh, oh.

You want it.

You want it, you got it.

Me.

Bitch!

You take on me,
you have a problem.

HARVEY: Oh, I'm sorry.

So sorry.

That was way too good.

What the-- why are you
always freaking out?

What now?

What?

What is all this dramatic about?

What are you going
to do with that video?

Hopefully, I'll put it
on YouTube or something.

You want to be on
YouTube with this?

Sure.

Why not?

It's free publicity and just in
time for my new clothing line

launch and my new book release.

You're not so stupid after all.

Won't matter anyway once I win.

You were expecting a long hard
spindle with your name on it?

Oh, he, he wouldn't.

Ha!

Obviously you don't know
him as well as I do. oh!

Bastard!

[music playing]

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What's going on, man?

Your rap is so tight.

You here, Marianne,
you're quite a girl.

Lipstick.

Oh, here comes trouble.

How dare you lie to me.

Poor stupid girl
believes she's going

to win an award for acting.

Is it fixed or what?

You told them?

Please shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up!

You shut up.

You bastard, you're
nothing but a lying asshole.

We're not married anymore.

I don't have to take
this shit so fuck off.

Would you cut it out with that
phony spaghetti accent shit?

I know where you're from.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Dunk it
up your own nose, darling.

If you know what's good for you.

She's British?

How do you people know?

About her accent?

Everybody does now.

About the fix, you moron!

Everyone's going to
know about the fix

if you don't lower your voices.

I've got to go take a leak.

You dick!

I'm going to have you arrested.

You're a disgrace
to family values.

[music playing]

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What's going on, man?

Your rap is so tight.

JERMAINE: Who's your director?

Who's your director?

Say my name.

Greg Johnson.

JERMAINE: Jermaine Johnson.

Come on, say you want
to be in my movie.

I want to be in your movie,

What movie do
you want to be in?

I want to be in
your black movie.

JERMAINE: My African
American movie.

You want to be, you
want to be-- oh!

Oh, it's a miracle.

shit!

They work!

Ah!

They fucking work.

Oh, shit.

What the fuck is
wrong with you?

All right, look.

You're not going
to out me, are you?

My pants are fucking ripped.

Bitch, you ripped my pants.

[music playing]

You are the worst fucking
agent on the planet.

What's wrong now?

Your job is to do everything
you can to protect the film.

And if your job is
babysitting the talent then

that's what you're
supposed fucking be doing.

Babysitting the talent.

OK.

There is more wrong
with this movie

than babysitting can cure.

Oh, now you're a
fucking critic too, huh?

Do you think that I
came all the way to O'hi

dragging Hollywood's most
desperate without having

some kind of assurances?

Give me a break.

Assurances?

What assurances?

I've got the whole
jury in my pocket.

"Barium Enigma" is going
to sweep the spindles.

The first time in the
history of any film festival.

I can get you in "Variety."

Not the front page but--

Look, son, I get it.

You think the film is a bust and
you think I'm yesterday's news.

And meanwhile,
back in Hollywood,

careers are being
made every minute

and you're stuck
out here in O'hi.

Well I get it because I was you.

A gopher for King Vidor.

Who's that?

Is King Vidor some period piece?

Ah, you asshole.

King Vidor was a great
director in his prime.

This was at the
end of his career.

One of his last movies.

"Solomon and Sheeba," it's
starring Tyrone Power.

Ty is like having a dueling
scene with George Sanders.

In the middle of shooting
the picture he keels over,

he has a heart
attack, and he dies.

UA says we're
canceling the picture.

King Vidor, while
he's debating them,

secretly has me fly to
LA, get Yul Brynner,

fly him back, put
him up in a hotel.

He shoots for a day with Gina
Lollobrigida and himself.

Secretly, while on his own dime,
he goes into an editing room

alone.

He edits the things,
sends the scenes back

with long shots of Tyrone Power
intercut with Yul Brynner.

They love it.

They green light us
to finish the picture.

Was it a hit?

No, it was bomb.

So you're telling me
this is your last movie

and it's going to be a bomb.

No, I'm telling you
that the point of this

is that you do
everything you can

in your power to
protect the film.

Hey, let's talk about this.

[sobbing]

Shit, I'll get there
as quick as I can.

What's gong on?

Give me your keys, I
got to borrow your car.

Whoa, nobody drives
my car but me.

Let me tell you something,
this is the first problem

that we've had today
that's worthy of my time.

Remember that young
male lead that you

were supposed to get safely
here to the festival?

Well, he's on his way to jail
for having tried to solicit sex

from an undercover cop.

Now give me the fucking keys.

And on your job
security, your life,

nobody better hear of this.

No email, no texts,
no phone calls.

Make sure of that.

Care to comment on the top
story of my evening broadcasts?

The arrest and outing
of a major movie star.

I represent ZZ.

OK?

Right.

Let me talk to him.

Let me talk to his studio.

Hypothetically, the story
of a hot young actor

being forced out of the
closet could get turned

into a major Hollywood movie.

Hypothetically, you could
be a producer on this movie.

A producer, how are
you to make it happen?

I mean look at you.

You're a little baby.

You're little baby agent.

What do little baby agents do?

They get coffee, they
take phone calls.

Five seconds.

Wait here.

Here I have somebody that
wants to talk to you.

OK. is it your mom?

Hello?

MALE (ON PHONE): How you dong?

Do you know who I am?

Oh, my god, Mr. Nicholson.

MALE (ON PHONE): I
want to know what

we're going to do about this.

Can you handle the truth?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Right, huh?

I'm in.

That's what I thought.

Oh, my god.

A little baby agent, take the
little baby agent thing back.

Oh, I take it back.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

So what do we do now?

Now?

Well, if we were LA we would
celebrate at the Peninsula

over a split of Cristal.

Oh, that sounds
fancy but I think

I have something you'll like
a little better than that.

What are these going to do?

Do you know what
these are going to do?

No, no, no.

Ow!

How does that feel?

Does that feel good?

No, it does not feel good.

No!

Oh, this one's lonely.

Oh, he needs a friend.

No!

Oh, god.

Oh, does that hurt?

Oh, god.

Oh, what about in
your belly button?

I don't want my belly button.

Oh, guess what
else I have for you.

I don't feel safe.

Safety word.

Safety word.

What's the safety word?

Oh, there is no safety
word in this bedroom.

What is this?

That is a shoehorn.

And what is it going to do?

Take yours shoes off.

Hit you!

Tell me my tic is sexy.

Your tic is sexy.

Louder!

You have the sexiest
tic I've ever seen.

You have the sexiest tic
out of any disabled person

I've ever met.

[phone ringing]

Oh, your phone.

Don't touch my phone.

Oh, who's calling?

Don't touch!

That's--

Do you want to answer it?

No, I don't.

Put the phone down.

Maybe I should answer it.

Should I answer it?

No, no, don't.

Don't pick that up.

What if it's George Clooney?

It's not George Clooney.

Hello?

MALE (ON PHONE): Do
you know who I am?

Can you handle the truth.

Hey, Sam Feldman here,
supermarket manager,

aspiring actor.

How's my Jack?

What do you think?

Not too shabby.

Do I get the part?

No, actually you
didn't get the job.

So you know Jack Nicholson, huh?

I do know Jack Nicholson.

I can explain.

Ow!

OK.

OK.

There is no more explaining.

I am the boss here.

You're the boss.

I'm going to write the
best story of my career.

OK.

So you can just
lie there and rot.

Can you just untie me?

Fucking psycho bitch.

Ha ha!

Ticking bitch.

No!

Ah, look at what we have here.

No, no, that's nothing.

I collect yarn because I'm a--

Yarn, yes.

I'm a knitter.

Don't bullshit a bullshit
artist, sweetheart.

I was just going to steal it
for a little while because I

thought maybe it would help
my story You know because I

thought everyone loves
the national news--

I don't care about this.

What I care about is that you
forget what you heard today.

But my story.

There is no story
unless you want

me to see to it
that no broadcast

station in the country will
come anywhere near you.

After you get out of prison.

Disgusting.

Can I whip you a little
more before you go?

No.

Please.

No.

[music playing]

VOICE MAIL PLAYBACK: You
have 20 new messages.

MANUEL (ON VOICE
MAIL): Hey Mr. Twain,

it's Manuel at the front gate.

A repo man came and
took away your van.

Said you were late on payment.

BETSY (ON VOICE
MAIL): Yes, this is

Betsy, from California Realty.

Could you please give us a call
back regarding overdue bills?

SALESMAN (ON VOICE MAIL):
You've just won $50,000.

All you have to do
is enter channels 4's

you make the news sweepstakes.

FEMALE (ON VOICE MAIL): Sorry
to bother you, Mr. Twain.

A young lady has called
here seven times crying.

She claims to be your daughter.

NICK: You know it's going to
be dark before we get there.

ZZ: I just don't get it.

They're dropping
all the charges.

We have what you'd call
a gentlemen's agreement.

To that effect, yes.

OK, but how?

The sheriff is a Rolex man.

Oh, shit.

You didn't have to do that.

You owe me big time, man,
because it was a cosmograph.

ZZ: Ow.

You're going to go out, you're
going to attempt this movie,

and you're going to move on.

If you want to come out of
the closet at that moment

it's fine with me.

I'm not gay.

I told you I'm not.

You know I'm not gay.

Hey, listen, I
don't give a shit.

I am a producer.

You know?

If it's good for the
movie, it's true.

It it's not, it's not.

We all have our secrets.

The only good thing
about, getting old,

is when you've discovered you
just don't give a flying fuck.

That's all.

So was the cop good
looking, or what?

Dude, the bathroom is that way.

I couldn't sell this for
five bucks on the street.

I couldn't get this distributed
if I made a print myself

and took it to the Angelica.

And the book tour coming up?

I mean, come on.

You know as well I do
it's going to go far.

For the last film the internal
multiplier was over 3.9.

So it's bound to have legs.

It's going to at least go
for the full duration of two

months.

What?

No, yeah, I'm still here.

I, uh, your kind of breaking up.

Hold on, I'm going to
get better reception.

CHLOE: And if that's it, it
will make money in the back end.

Of course, all of my movies make
a lot of money in the back end.

If not first, when it breaks.

It's breaking wide though.

Well, no but--

No, I mean and the book tour--

It's huge, You got to
see it to believe it.

It's going to be--

No, I mean huge.

Great press
opportunities for me.

And you know what?

It's only going to get
bigger and bigger--

Yeah, well the gross
income of my products--

And stronger.

You know what I mean?

My products are getting
so, so much stronger.

Profits.

Harder and harder until--

People want them.

Until it peaks.

I told you, supply and demand.

And we'll pull it out and it's
just going to explode on DVD.

People are ready for it.

I thinks so, yeah.

Yeah.

But you know when I do
something like this I like

to do it--

No, I'm sick of you telling
me that you're going to do this

and not getting on this.

--again.

You know what I mean?

I don't like to just do it once.

Getting on it.

I'm ready.

Yeah, I want you to start.

I can reach my hand into--

As soon as possible.

wherever I need to to make
something like that happen.

Go for it while it's wide open.

You know what I'm saying?

I know exactly
what you're saying

I kind of want to
take it while it's hot.

[crowd screaming]

Hey, you.

Hey, you.

Come here a minute Come here.

Come here.

How old are you?

24.

24, I was here 24 years ago.

You know and I didn't
remember until I

saw your mother's picture
right here in the lobby.

So you admit that
you knew my mother

and that you slept with her.

It doesn't mean that
I am your father.

Now I just did a cop
picture, which I produced,

and I found that saliva is
not the most accurate way

of establishing DNA.

But hair follicles, now,
these are irrefutable.

All right?

So does this mean
that you recognize me?

It means to do whatever
you want with them

and see what they say.

And then we'll
take it from there.

Why don't you be my guest
at the festival, all right?

You good with that?

I'm good with that.

All right, come on.

Let's go.

Let's get in here.

[screaming]

Breaking news, folks.

Breaking news.

What at first appeared to
be an epidemic of avian flu

has now been determined to be
an old fashioned case of food

poisoning.

Sources say that as long
as you do not eat the food

you will not get
the food poisoning.

People have been come
down with food poisoning.

They think it may be the
dressing from the "Something

About Mary" salad.

I feel just fine.

Not you.

The fire chief, the
rabbi-- Hi, how are you?

The city councilman and
the entire judges panel.

We'll just replace
the three judges

and let's get on with it.

It's too late.

Harvey's already announced
the replacements.

Why did you let him do that?

I couldn't stop him, he's
the president of the festival.

Well, where are they?

I'll just toss them a few
hundred like I did the others.

Good luck.

Police chief,
librarian, and Edwin,

who owns O'hi dry cleaning.

Hello.

Who's is also our local pastor.

I'm trying to feel
positive about this.

The good news is nobody
from the industry

will see the screening.

Are you all right, Mr. Jackson?

Hi, how are you.

Uh, I'll be back.

Stop the screening.

Stop the screening.

You have to stop the
screening right now.

What in the hell are
you trying to do now?

Dave was walking
into the screening,

he put his hand on my shoulder,
and he said you're very brave.

Brave, what does he mean?

What does that mean?

Brave.

I must look terrible.

Well, who knows.

He's just a film editor.

Why don't you ask him?

I can't.

His daughter--

He doesn't have a daughter.

Whoever that fucking anorexic
teenager he comes with,

she started to throw up.

How could you be anorexic
and start to put fatty

dressing on your salad?

Dressing?

Are you nuts?

Are you seriously insane?

We are having a screening
of our movie next door.

And so we're not going to have
a sweep of all the awards.

As a matter of fact,
there may not be anybody

ever see this fucking film.

Good.

Ever.

I must look horrendous.

Is that all you think about,
the way you fucking look?

No.

But that's all any
producer, director,

agent will think when
they see this movie.

When they see me in this movie
the say how does she look?

Not so good.

I best take Jada, Vanessa,
or Julie, or Candace.

They were all busy.

That's how I got stuck with you.

Stuck?

If it wasn't for me you
wouldn't have a movie.

If it wasn't for me you
wouldn't have a career.

You've gotta be kidding.

Somebody, somewhere, tell
me she's fucking kidding.

"Angel Eyes" would not
made a dime without me.

I could've used any
20-year-old with big tits.

But you are using me.

I'm not going to let
you kill my career.

You can't kill a corpse.

Ah!

What is that shit?

I smell like a day old turn.

It's just you, dear.

MAYOR: Do you know he's dead?

HARVEY: I don't.

I don't I don't.

MAYOR: Oh, let's
hope no one sees him.

HARVEY: They are watching
the "Barium Enigma."

MAYOR: Who's
projecting the film.

HARVEY: I don't know.

Not Sid, obviously.

MAYOR: Maybe he's
drunk or asleep.

HARVEY: They breathe when
they sleep, Marianne.

MAYOR: Harvey,
what are you doing?

You can't take pictures.

You're going to incriminate us.

HARVEY: I want to give his
loved ones a lasting memory.

I wrote a film actually that
I think I'm going to direct,

and you would be pretty
good for it I think.

I was going to go younger
but I think that maybe--

How young?

I don't know.

How old are you again?

23.

23, yeah.

I'm just going to
get an 18-year-old.

I mean you look young.

You have a very young
essence, a very young energy.

Love your films, Jermaine.

Hello.

Hello.

OK.

I sit next to you.

Barium Enigma, any minute now.

Mr. Jackson.

It's Johnson.

Whatever.

We need you to sit right here.

Sit in the chair for a minute.

This is the perfect
chair for you.

But this is where I'm
comfortable, right here.

Yeah, I know.

It's the fire marshal that
doesn't allow any chairs.

The fire marshal doesn't.

Yeah.

No, I know, it's terrible.

She's going to change that law.

I'm going to change
it when I'm governor.

I think they have a little
problem there with this man.

It's not because you're black.

Watch the wheelchair.

Oh.

Are you all right?

You all right?

OK, thank you so much,

I'm moving.

Good.

You don't smell so good, huh?

Do you smell that?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Is this film ever
going to start?

Interesting cologne.

Thank you so much for coming.

Good to see you.

So good to see you.

No need to thank me.

Thank "Jack Nicholson."

I had him call the studio heads
and tell them to get down here

on their corporate jets
before someone bought up

"Barium Enigma

If I wanted the
studio to see this

I would've sent them a copy.

MALE: Start the film already.

Oh.

MALE: Let's go.

The screen is so small.

Reel five?

Now It's just the two of us.

What the fuck is going on?

It's three.

There's a Tom Junior on the way.

It's the wrong god damned reel.

I'm going to go
fucking kill him.

[music playing]

[explosion]

No, I just like
watch his movies

and kind of, like, you
know, touch myself.

If you know what I mean.

Is this an art film?

Shoot, kill this guy.

Asshole.

Hey!

[banging]

Hey, open up.

You're playing the wrong reel.

You hear me?

Hey.

Oh, come on.

I can hear you in there.

Work with me, man.

Come on.

FEMALE (ON MOVIE):
In Africa, look up

at the mountain whose
peak is cold year around.

Be careful, my darling.

In the snows of Kilimanjaro
you will find the secret

to your survival.

I don't understand this.

No, me neither.

This movie sucks.

How did we get there?

This is no 8 and 1/2.

You hear me?

I'm going to fucking kill you.

This is just stupid.

Is it serious or is it
supposed to be a joke?

This move is pretty
much a piece of crap.

Oh, if it wasn't for your
little stick of dynamite

Somebody should get
them a real script.

The secret to our
survival is in this fog.

Will we ever get
our money back?

[laughter]

Laugh, damn it.

Laugh.

[laughter]

Come on, come on, laugh.

[laughter]

It's getting better.

[laughter]

Wow, she's great.

Better than Kate Winslet.

Hey, you.

Yeah, you little fucker.

Turn this shit off.

I will fucking kill you!

You turn this off.

Get the fuck off my hand.

Ow, mother fucker.

You piece of shit.
turn this shit off.

You get back here.

I will fucking slice off your
scrotum and wear it as a cape.

You get back here right now.

MAYOR: When this gets
out they'll impeach me.

HARVEY: You're always
thinking about you.

MAYOR: This is your
area of expertise.

Why can't you take this
corpse to your field?

Because I'm running
a film festival.

I can't get involved
with this now.

God.

[explosion]

I couldn't get in there.

All right?

We've got to stop the movie
and start from the beginning

and play it again.

You idiot, sit
back and shut up.

This is the best fucking
screening there ever were.

[laughter]

Listen to them.

Listen to them.

Keep laughing.

[music playing]

It's all about the plants.

As long as there's sunlight.

We're safe.

[applause]

Anybody, anybody
see my wheelchair?

MAYOR: Harvey, are you insane?

You're doing it again
with a cell phone.

You always overdue everything.

Just like you putting the
clown make-up of my father

when he died.

HARVEY: He looked miserable.

He needed to look happy.

JERMAINE: Anybody
seen my wheelchair?

Hello?

OK, that's good.

OK.

No, that's good.

No, that's good.

He's too tall.

It's freezing.

He's too tall.

We'll unfold him.

I don't know what to do.

Fold him?

NICK: And the spindle
for best casting goes to.

That's good.

Oh, wait, the hat, the hat.

Put the hat on.

We'll just put the hat in there.

What to make it look like
he went inside himself?

It doesn't matter.

Just put the hat on.

It's on.

Thank you so much
for not helping me.

Should we say a few words?

Cross his arms?

Harvey, just get his foot.

All right.

[applause]

Is he in there?

Yes, he's in there.

A wonder he hasn't left.

ANNOUNCER: And now a clip
from our first nominated show

for best picture.

Eat my dust, pussy.

Ha ha.

[applause]

She's not showing up.

No, she's habitually late.

Woo hoo.

So everybody, how are you?

Ciao.

[whistling]

Oh, it's old wardrobe, darling.

Thank you.

Hey, everybody,
my mama always said

life is like a
box of chocolates.

You never know what
you're going to get.

And in this case, most of
you got food poisoning.

So I swear, as
God as my witness,

you will never go hungry again.

But please avoid
the shrimp salad.

And the award for best
director goes to--

Stop!

Wait, wait.

Where'd you put the wheelchair?

What did you do with it?

I thought you took it.

Oh, my god, it looks
like he's been drinking.

Oh, Mr. Jackson, we're coming.

It's Jermaine Johnson.

It's fine.

It's fine everybody.

Oh, Mr. Johnson.

It's fine.

Everything is fine.

Just talk amongst yourselves.

It's just a little
wheelchair thing.

[laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Now in the
best director category

the spindle goes to
Jermaine Jackson.

All right!

Director of "Black
Feeling White Wheels."

[applause]

Yay.

All right, here you go.

Congratulations, sir.

Here you go.

All right, I got it.

[throat clearing]

First off, I'd
like-- oh, Jesus.

Oh.

First off, I'd like
to thank all the nurses

at St. John's Hospital.

Not only, not only giving me
the will to live, but the will

to create.

There's a feature in this.

There's a feature in this.

Everybody at this festival has
been generous and kind to me.

Hey, boo.

It gives me a great
pleasure to say

that Jermaine Johnson has
just signed with the largest

agency in the country.

I'm going to Hollywood, baby.

[applause]

Nicky, who do
you think that is?

Who do you think?

NICK: Why don't you ask him.

Halle Barry, Denzel, and you.

For the best
actress it is a tie.

Yes, yes.

Amazing performance by two
extraordinarily talented

actresses.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Vanessa Lynn and Tasmine.

NICK: Who is that?

Who the hell is that?

[applause]

HARVEY: It is a tie.

My god, it's a child.

Beat by a 9-year-old
and a transvestite.

Clap, clap, clap.

You were beaten by a
9-year-old and a transvestite.

Look at both of you, so lovely.

My god.

Clap, darling.

They say that big things
come in small packages,

And that certainly is the
case with Tory's story,

"The Secret Life of
Margaret Thatcher."

That fucking Nicky.

I knew I shouldn't
have come here.

Ms. Thatcher, who I had the
pleasure of almost meeting back

in the '80's.

And after all, who could resist
playing the role of sister

to this darling little girl?

[applause]

ANNOUNCER: And now our
second nominated film

for best picture.

Stop!

Stop him!

Help!

Thief!

Stop.

Somebody help!

Bad Ass,

You saved the day, African
American surfer hero.

No problem, ma'am.

And remember, you don't have
to have legs to fight crime.

Just call me Ass, Bad Ass.

Here take my card.

Thank you.

Your card is black.

It's African American.

Come here, give me a hug.

You deserve it.

Yes, I do.

[applause]

All right, another big moment.

Every moment so big.

For best actor, Mr.
Zachary Zane Reed.

Yes, yes.

Way to go ZZ.

Way to go.

[applause]

Oh, man.

First of all, I'd like to
apologize for arriving late.

We love you!

What happened?

I was unavoidably detained.

Would you care to
comment further on that?

Uh, well--

ZZ is uh, he's too modest.

ZZ had become a local hero.

OK.

By helping the police
in the investigation

of a major theft in the area.

Now, obviously, he can't give
you the details at this time.

But I can assure you
that due to ZZ's efforts

the police now have
a significant lead.

And the identity
of the thief could

be revealed at any moment.

So, ZZ!

[applause]

I don't know what you
just did but good work.

Actually, I was late
for another reason.

Oh, my god.

He's going to says he's gay.

I've been thinking
about this for awhile

and this is something
that I have to do.

So I've decided to quit acting.

No!

He's quiting acting?

HARVEY: But you're beautiful
and you're on such a role.

It's time where I'm allowed
to express who I really am.

I've decided to direct.

Do you have Tourette's?

Thank you.

[applause]

ANNOUNCER: And now our
third nominated film.

Would you like a crumpet?

I'd rather a scotch.

What's wrong, sister dear?

I simply don't know how we're
going to pay all the bills.

I mean there's only
so much one can

do with a degree
in crystallography.

Well there must be
something else out there.

Don't you have any dreams?

Well, actually--
no, it's absurd.

No, please tell me.

Well to be quite
honest, I've always

rather fancied the idea
of becoming grand minister

of Great Britain.

The iron lady.

Ah, but politics is
no place for a lady.

You're more than
a lady and a woman.

It's a regular talent
you have, Dedra.

This is good.

ANNOUNCER: We will have
more of O'hi nominated films

when we return.

I kind of want to
run an idea about you.

Do you want to get a drink?

It's an idea I have about
a movie about your life.

[screaming]

Oh, I

Had to get more comfortable.

I'm tired.

I feel like "No
Country For Old Men."

About all the women.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

I have to see if
you'll just sign this.

Harvey.

Yeah?

I'm going to kill you.

You don't have to do that.

There you go.

Oh, it's so great.

Not yet.

OK.

Thank you, Can
you sign the rest?

No.

OK.

I want to know what
it was like growing up

in like the depths
of hell, basically.

Without a father, without money.

Sharing a bed with your mother.

And you just have like a cow.

My mom married this
really wealthy business guy

after she had me.

OK.

Don't you think the
cow would be better?

The entire room here at the
O'hi film festival banquet

is holding its breath as
we wait for the judges

to tally up the final
vote for who will take

the coveted best film spindle.

I am extremely excited myself.

And I know that we are all
just rapt with anticipation.

[snoring]

Marianne.

Marianne.

Marianne.

The only man chasing me.

She's dead to
people all the day.

These girls can't
hold a candle to you.

What do you want, Nicky?

More money for the film?

I am really hurt
that you think that.

But now that you
brought it up, yes.

In exchange for what?

For double my percentage.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

And I can feel
him inside of me.

You know, "In Touch," and
"Gawker," and Perez Hilton.

It's like I know
everything that's

going on in his life with, you
know, Claudia and that thing.

Can I just make a suggestion?

Just take it or leave it.

Yeah.

But every time you say I
can feel him inside of me,

about your father, it's creepy.

Wake up, Marianne.

Marianne.

Oh, the future governor here.

They're all drunk.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, please

welcome our esteemed mayor.

[applause]

It's very bright up here.

First of all, we are
so thrilled to have

everybody from Hollywood here.

And being from Hollywood,
I know that you all

understand that slander
is a terrible thing.

There were rumors that earlier
today there were sexual sounds,

and that they were coming
from the principal's office,

and that I was somehow involved.

What it was was we were testing
the emergency broadcast system

at O'hi High.

And clearly it
has some problems,

which we are planning to
rectify, fix, very soon.

So, uh--

ANNOUNCER: Our fourth
nominated film.

I don't know if I can
take this much longer.

They're after me and
they're going to get me.

There's nothing
left to do but run.

[screaming]

I'm so scared.

I'm so scared.

Murder!

Murderer!

Murder!

There's a murderer over there.

Um, so, anyway.

Murderer!

I'm sure that have some of
you have seen the flyers around

and say that yarn is murder.

We know that yarn is not murder.

First of all, the sheep
need to be sheared, sharn.

And they like it.

[phone ringing]

Your phone's ringing.

I see.

I see.

Nicky, look, I don't
understand this message.

It's strange.

That's sensational.

Are you kidding me?

Pacino?

Come on.

Oh, kid me.

How would he have
seen the movie?

I sent it to him yesterday.

Incredible.

What?

Yeah.

You know I figured if
this "Enigma" is going

to become the Titanic, the
boat not the movie, that,

uh, no reason that you
should sink with the ship.

No.

You look fucking
good in this movie.

So I sent it to him.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Amore.

Are you guys an item again?

No, we're not.

And now.

ANNOUNCER: The final
submission for best picture.

Darling, we must raise up.

[screaming]

Let her go, she's old.

She'll die anyway.

Oh, your mother would
be so proud of you.

If she had survived.

Just look up.

[applause]

Yeah, yeah, Reed.

NICK: Nice.

Not bad, huh?

And I think we have some news.

My god, calm.

That was the
studio on the phone.

That's who you called.

They just don't think they'll
recoup their investment

by releasing it in
the major cities.

So they want open it wide.

What?

Are you kidding me?

Are you serious?

He said it was comic genius.

Told you!

I'm trying to
think of his words.

Uh, comic geniuses.

The guy thinks you're
the next fucking Kubrick.

Ah, this is great.

So I'm going to
call Larry tomorrow

and have them run the
numbers with the studio.

Who's Larry, man?

You're the one that
brought in the studio.

You're the one that I
want to make the call.

Find me somebody
that I can trust.

And the award for
best picture goes to--

[applause]

Oh, thank you.

Um, this is so unexpected.

You know when I started the
first film-- the O'hi film

festival, regretfully
the last film festival.

It just, it just
feels like moments

ago that I was an undertaker
with a little camera phone.

And I just hope this
influences other undertakers

out there that have dreams.

Anyone else, you don't
have to be an undertaker.

Anybody with a dream.

I don't have a
great deal of people

to thank, except for
that guy in the freezer.

[laughter]

A lot of people
ask me what's next?

What are you doing?

I actually have a
three picture deal

and I'm currently
shooting my next film.

[applause]

[MUSIC PLAYING - "I WILL RISE
AGAIN"]

I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise again.

There was a time, not long
ago, when I was flying high.

Don't you know?

It felt like everything
I touched turned to gold.

Now it seems those
days are gone.

I've got to fight
now to carry on.

But I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

Have a little faith,
say a little prayer.

Go to the mountain,
climb your way up there.

Because better days will
surely soon be right here.

I just know my life's
going to change.

My life of chaos
now be rearranged.

But I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

Well I was lost
but now I'm found.

Picked myself up off the ground.

Yeah, I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

Make a new start.

Change my ways.

I feel them coming
now, those better days.

Maybe now, maybe now, my luck,
my luck, is going to change.

My life is going to change.

I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

[music playing]

O'hi, my O'hi, you
mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi, there's no
place I would rather be.

O'hi, my O'hi, you
mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi, there's no
place I would rather be.

There's no place
I would rather be.

[music playing]

Times they are a changing, baby.

They ain't what they used to be.

Yeah.

Times they are a changing, baby.

They ain't what they used to be.

But I ain't going nowhere, baby.

You ain't seen the last of me.

Well, you know we all
look up to someone, baby.

I look up to you.

You know I do.

Yeah.

We all look up to someone, baby.

And I'll just look up to you.

You know I do.

Well, you know you
are my hero, baby.

And I look up to you.