The Jinkx and DeLa Holiday Special (2020) - full transcript

(bells jingling)

(joyful music, alarm clock ringing)

(gasp)

(groaning)

(Jinkx's phone vibrates)

(doors slamming)

(joyful music continues)

♪ Oh come all ye faithful ♪

- Jesus Christ.

Oh hello.

What an unexpected surprise.



Jinkx, our guests are here.

- Good morning everyone.

- I didn't even hear you come in.

- If you were a murderer,
she'd be dead by now.

Breakfast?

Well, we are glad you're here.

- You know, it just
wouldn't be the holidays

without entertaining guests
and making new friends.

- But there's a pandemic,
so we'll have to settle

for social distancing
and talking to a camera.

- Jinkx, this is supposed to be timeless

and you're going to hurt
the camera's feelings.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

We are overjoyed to have you in our home.



- It's a soundstage.

- Well, yes, but we do sleep here.

You know, Jinkx, it's hard
to believe that it's taken us

this long to do a Christmas
special, just the two of us.

- Well, and what's his name?

- Just the two of us, after
how many years of friendship?

- I don't know, 10?

- Yes, 10 long, arduous years.

So welcome to DeLa and Jinkx's.

- Jinkx and DeLa's

- Christmas
- Holiday

- Snow-tacular hot choc-a-palooza
Jesus baby hour. (giggles)

- What?

We are not calling it that.

- Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, we agreed on it.

- Well, I don't know why I don't remember.

- It's the only title that
truly captures the holiday joy

that we'll be spreading tonight.

- That's not all I'll
be spreading tonight.

- Jinkx, please.

Not in front of the baby Jesus.

- Jesus is here?

- He's everywhere.

- So I need you to be extra jolly.

Stick to the script.

- What?

- The script.

We wrote a script.

- When?

- Well, you weren't there.

(paper rustling)

- Jingle-utations, my
merry little X-mas elves,

and thank you for
choosing DeLa and Jink...

Jinkx and DeLa for your virgin

birth-nificent festi-tainment.

Come join us by the hearth and warm

the cockles of your heart.

DeLa, I am not reading this.

- You said it, Jinkx.

Over the next hour, we will
be stuffing your stockings

chock full of wholesome
old timey traditions.

We'll be singing classic
carols in the public domain,

reading Victorian poetry
quietly to ourselves,

poking popcorn onto a
string for some reason.

- DeLa, nobody wants that.

- Oh, well, there can
be a lot of blood loss,

but just look what you
get for your trouble.

- Nobody wants popcorn on a string.

- The script says they do.

- No.

- They do.

- DeLa!

- How about some Little Drummer Boy?

- Ugh, come on, DeLa, give
the people what they want.

You're a drag queen.

- A what?

- This is a holiday drag show.

Some dirty jokes, some sexual innuendo.

We're talking poppers, not popcorn

and no Little Drummer Boy.

This is a show for BIG DRUMMER
MEN with big old drumsticks.

I'm talking hung like a...

(DeLa beats drum)
- Stocking by the chimney

with care in hopes that Saint Nicholas...

- Will stuff his fat silver daddy dic--

(drum hit)
- ♪ The halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

- I want you to slide your...

(cymbal hit)
- Presents under the tree.

- And you don't even have to
wrap it 'cause I'm on PrEP.

(erratic drumming)
(Jinkx screaming)

Ahh, stop it, DeLa!

Jesus, what the fuck?

(drums crash to the ground)

- Jinkx, no!

This show is not going to be like that.

This show is going to be wholesome.

It's going to be pleasant.

Now, I think that the two of us should go

for a long walk in a wintry
wonderland, and if that

should lead to a rousing opening number,

well then so be it.

Now, are you coming?

- Sure, right behind you.

(music swells, upbeat and
musical-theatre in style)

♪ It's December, oh the splendor ♪

♪ Of the season known as Christmastime ♪

♪ There's carols and cocoa ♪

♪ Blinking bulbs and bows of pine ♪

♪ We'll sing some, bells ring some ♪

♪ As we sleigh ride through the snow ♪

♪ Trim the tree and follow me ♪

♪ It's that kind of holiday show ♪

♪ It's December, hey bartender ♪

♪ Can I get another vodka here ♪

♪ The season (hiccup)
just started (hiccup) ♪

♪ But I can't take Christmas cheer ♪

♪ So we'll sit some and we'll bitch some ♪

♪ 'Til the New Year comes and goes ♪

♪ Deck the hall with alcohol ♪

♪ It's that kind of holiday show ♪

♪ [D] Lighting candles, singing carols ♪
♪ [J] I'm just here ♪

♪ [D] Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ [J] to get paid and get laid ♪

♪ [D] Jingle belling, our hearts swelling ♪
♪ [J] so on with the show ♪

♪ [Both] Just ignore
her, start the choreo ♪

♪ [D] so surrender to December ♪

♪ [J] 'Cause you can't escape the horror ♪

♪ [D] Yeah watch us ♪
♪ [J] Scotch us ♪

♪ [D] Be flawless ♪
♪ [J] I'm nauseous ♪

♪ [D] How 'bout we stick to water ♪

♪ [D] So we'll sing something winsome ♪
[J] I'm. Fine.

♪ [D] With our hearts ♪
♪ [J] and pipes aglow ♪

♪ [D] Jinkx you can't do drugs on screen ♪

♪ [J] It's that kind of holiday show ♪

♪ [Both] Thank you Jesus ♪

♪ For giving us ♪

♪ Shows each Christmas ♪

♪ That pretty much write themselves ♪

(Jinkx screams)

♪ [Both] It's December ♪

♪ [D] Oh the splendor ♪
♪ [J] Bartender ♪

♪ [D] Of the season known as Christmastime♪
♪ [J] Can I get a vodka here ♪

♪ [D] There's carols and cocoa ♪
♪ [J] The season just started ♪

♪ [D] Blinking bulbs and bows of pine ♪
♪ [J] But I can't take Christmas cheer ♪

♪ [D] We'll sing some, bells ring some ♪
♪ [J] So we'll sit some and we'll bitch some ♪

♪ [D] As we sleighride through the snow ♪
♪ [J] Until it goes ♪

♪ [D] Here we come a wassailing ♪

♪ [J] What the fuck is "wassailing" ♪
(slide whistle)

♪ [Both] Harsh or tender
on or off a bender ♪

♪ Either way December ♪

♪ Is time for some kind of holiday.. ♪

♪ show....! ♪

(big musical button as door slams)

- See Jinkx.

Isn't it nice when we're
all on the same page

and the page is my page?

Ha, this show was going
to be the Pope's poop.

A brand new Christmas tradition.

- Yeah, whatever.

Just as long as we can move past

these crappy old traditions.

- No, Jinkx, Jinkx, no.

Old traditions are important too.

They keep us tethered to the past,

like a cinder block to the
ocean floor, and besides,

without tradition, how
would we stay connected

to our ancestors and all of their

backwards antiquated thinking?

- Oh, come on.

Name one good tradition.

- One?

I can name five.

My grandmother's eggnog recipe.

Nana's Christmases were
always perfect, and this

spicy raw egg milk brings
the memories flooding back.

Christmas in Connecticut,
as frosty and white

as the state itself.

Sitting up straight in itchy
formalwear, getting stacks

of blank thank you cards as gifts.

Getting asked your five-year
plan as a seven year old.

Nana may be gone now but her spirit

lives on within this nog.

[Heavenly chorus of angels] Ahhhhh

[Nana] As long as you have this recipe,

I'll always be with you, DeLa.

- Nana.

- All right.

Be careful with those things.

- Oh no, don't worry.

I've already had salmonella.

You can't get it twice.

It's like the chicken pox.

- Well, that is not
correct, but I mean careful,

'cause there's a lot of booze in there

and you're kind of a lightweight.

- Oh no, it's all cream and sugar.

The rum cooks off.

- When?

(slurping)

Well, my grandmother passed
down a recipe too, you know,

but it was just the phone
number for Domino's.

- Oh, Jinkx, you never had a traditional

family eggnog recipe?

That's so sad.

Uh, what did your grandmother
serve in her heirloom crystal?

- I think one reason you're
so horny for the holidays

is 'cause you have no idea
what Christmas is like

for those of us raised in the
upper middle lowest class.

- Oh, Jinkx.

I'm so sorry.

Tell me all about it.

- Well, I...

- Go ahead.

- Well I...

- I'm listening.

- Well...

- Do you think I should get bangs?

(music begins: slow, sultry, jazzy)

♪ When you ain't got no money, honey ♪

♪ Christmas is a joke ♪

♪ Naughty or nice, all
I knew was I was broke ♪

♪ Santa came to my house
in a beat-up Chevrolet ♪

♪ He cased the joint
said what's the point ♪

♪ And then he drove away ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Ring a lingin' bells or
going on a sleigh ride ♪

♪ Chestnuts, mangers,
stockings by the fire side ♪

♪ But I never had the means
for those sugar plum dreams ♪

♪ No I've never been spoiled ♪

♪ We didn't have that cash ♪

♪ We had no stocks to crash ♪

♪ When you come from poverty ♪

♪ Yuletide's just a fantasy ♪

♪ 'Cause no one played Santa for me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You got your North Star,
wise men, Jesus in a haystack ♪

♪ Virgins, angels, God
and Mary barebackin' ♪

♪ Dasher, Dancer,
partridge in a pear tree ♪

♪ Holly and Ivy and Do
You See What I See ♪

♪ What's all that supposed to mean ♪

♪ There were no drummer boys on my scene ♪

♪ No, no, 'cause we
drank off-brand sodas ♪

♪ And our cats had fleas ♪

♪ We celebrated weddings at Applebee's ♪

♪ Hand me down clothes
with a tear in the ass ♪

♪ It's hard to 'werk' when
you're working class ♪

♪ You see, I've never been spoiled ♪

♪ We had a plastic Christmas tree ♪

♪ And we said, "fuck the bourgeoisie" ♪

(big drum fill)

♪ 'Cause when you come from poverty ♪

♪ Yuletide's just a fantasy ♪

♪ Christmas is just toil
for a poor boy or "goil" ♪

♪ If you grew up like me ♪

♪ There's no Hallmark fantasy ♪

♪ 'Cause no one played Santa for me ♪

♪ Oooh, no one played Santa for me ♪

♪ No one played Santa for... ♪

♪ Me.... ♪

- Oh Jinkx, that's terrible.

I can't believe you
never got to experience

the magic of a perfect Christmas.

- Yeah, it's whatever.

- No, I wish I could do something to help.

Wait a second.

DeLa does something to help.

I've got it.

I can give you that perfect
Christmas you've never had.

- It's just not something I ever wanted.

- Well, I can give you
that perfect Christmas

you never wanted.

I just have to help you
find that holiday spirit,

and I know just how to do it.

We'll practice our big dance number.

(screams)

- You want to practice?

- Practice.

- You want to practice?

- The big finale?

- [DeLa] Big, yes.

- Of the whole show?

In the middle of said show.

- Yes, yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

- Why would you want to do that?

- So they know how good it's going to be.

There's no better way to
ensure the success of a number

than really building up expectations.

Five, six, seven, eight!

(jaunty music)
(tap dancing)

(stomping up steps)

(door slams as tap dance song is cut off)

(suggestive noises from behind door)

Sigh, poor Jinkx.
(banging behind door)

I wish that I could give
her all of the fond memories

that I've treasured over the years.

I wish that I could make her feel

all of the holiday joy that I felt

at Nana's on Christmas.

Oh Nana, I wish you were
here to tell me how it was

that you made Christmas so special.

(music)

♪ When you wish upon a nog ♪

- Hello, DeLa.

- Nana?

- Yes, DeLa.

It's me, your dear old grandmother.

Look at you, all grown up.

Foam hips, plastic hair,
dressed as a candy cane.

You look just like your mother.

- Oh nana, I'm so happy
to see you, hear you,

see eggnog and hear you.

- I told you, as long
as you have this recipe

I will always be with you.

Life is fleeting, but
unrefrigerated dairy is eternal.

Consider me your dairy
nogmother. (giggles)

- Oh, nog Nana, uhhh... Nana nog, uhhh...

Nanog.

Oooh, can I call you Nanog?

- Yeah, sure, whatever.

- Oh, Nanog.

I'm in a terrible pickle.

My friend Jinkx is all
sour on the holidays.

I just wish that I could
force her to have a good time

against her will like you did for me.

How did you do it?

- Through the spirit of tradition.

- The spirit of tradition.

- Yes, you must always keep it inside you

during the holiday season.

Come on, have a little taste.

(slurps)

- (Gasp!) Ah, I can feel it
now, that gnawing pang that says

that nothing I ever do will
live up to the memories

of the past or others'
expectations of the future.

Oh, thank you Nanog.

I can't wait to foist this
feeling upon my loved ones.

(transition music)

(big and brassy music, to the
melody of "Away in a Manger")

♪ A gay in a stranger ♪

♪ They chatted on Scruff ♪

♪ He left the door open
to get his butt stuffed ♪

♪ No faces were seen ♪

♪ And no names were exchanged ♪

♪ He snuck out the back door ♪

♪ Once his balls were drained ♪

(milk and cookies crash to the floor)

- Jinkx, what are you doing?

- I'm just singing my
bawdy holiday parody,

"A Gay in a Stranger"

It's all about anonymous anal.

- That is not in the
spirit of the holidays.

- Of course it is.

The holidays are all about
giving to needy people

you don't even know and
I just want to appreciate

all those generous souls
who give and give and give

and just aren't that into receiving.

- Psst, Nanog.

You see that horny old lady over there?

That's the friend that
was telling you about.

♪ A gay in a stranger ♪

♪ Don't waste time with head ♪

♪ If a redhead barebacks you ♪

♪ You've been gingerbred ♪

- She needs Jesus.

- Well, I don't know
where he's at these days,

but I know the next best thing.

♪ It starts with a 'sup
dude' and ends with a nut ♪

♪ A gay in a stranger ♪

♪ Who'll jizz in his... ♪

♪ butt ♪

- Ho! Ho! Ho!

- What the hell is that?

- Fashion.

I've been thinking that
you probably aren't excited

about our big dance number
because you need to see

some costume ideas to get you in the mood.

- This is what you want
us to wear for the finale?

- (laughing) Oh, no, no...

This is what I'm wearing for the finale,

but I have your costume
all ready to try on.

Hope it fits.

- I'm not wearing a sack.

- Jinkx is wearing a sack.

- What the?

How?

- And five, six, seven, eight!

(jaunty music)
(tap dancing)

(heavy breathing)

- I can't, I can't even,
I can't even breathe

in this thing, DeLa.

- [DeLa] Who?

- What?

- [DeLa] Who are you talking to?

- You, DeLa!

Santa.

- [DeLa] Yes, Jinkx?

- You made me your sack.

Why do I have to be your sack?

- [DeLa] You mean, why
do you get to be my sack?

Everyone loves Santa's sack.

The sack is the tenderest
part of the Santa.

- Okay, well, Santa.

- [DeLa] Huh?

- SANTA!!

- No, it's me, DeLa.

- WHOEVER!

I can't dance sweating my ass off

in a burlap sack while
some red-faced fat man

paws at me with his sausage fingers.

- Do not talk about Santa like that.

- I'm not.

- Now just be a good little sack

and let's finish this dance.

- For Christ's sake, DeLa, can't you just

let me celebrate the holidays
the way that I want to?

("Oh Christmas Tree" music plays,
Jinkx screams)

- That's better.

Now, quit your yappin'.

The real Santa is going
to be here any minute.

- Wait, isn't this supposed
to be Christmas Day?

Okay, there are some major
continuity issues in this...

(Jinkx is cut off by music,
early-2000's R&B in style)

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

♪ I wrote a Christmas list for Santa ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

♪ I sent a letter ♪

♪ And he answered ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

♪ And then as soon as I was sleeping ♪

♪ I knew that he would creep in ♪

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

♪ He came down the flue
with a ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ He broke into your home ♪

♪ He said, he just flew
in from the North Pole ♪

♪ Where he's enslaved some gnomes ♪

♪ He ate all my cookies
and drank my cocoa ♪

♪ Addiction is no joke ♪

♪ But when we stood under the mistletoe ♪

♪ He had me feeling like ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I had dreams for weeks
about his rosy cheeks ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ He was big and tall with one furry little ball ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, Santa Claus was
comin', comin', comin'... ♪

♪ To town ♪

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

♪ I got a visit from that Santa ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

♪ He called on Donner, Dasher, Dancer ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

♪ He said that he would put
his present 'neath my tree ♪

♪ If I'd let him ♪

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

♪ It's the night before Christmas ♪

♪ Or should I say "'twas" ♪

♪ 'Cause now it's after hours
and I got my milk buzz ♪

♪ Yeah I hear you on the housetop ♪

♪ With your 'click click click' ♪

♪ And I got the Kringle tingles ♪

♪ Need ya quick ♪

♪ You come once a year ♪

♪ Wish I could make you come more ♪

♪ Is the chimney too tight ♪

♪ You can use the back door ♪

♪ Can you go all night ♪

♪ 'Cause I can take a plenty ♪

♪ Don't wanna let you leave ♪

♪ Until your sack is empty ♪

(echos) ♪ Empty, empty, empty ♪

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

♪ I got a visit from that Santa ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪

♪ Walked in on me in my pajamas ♪

♪ Fa la la ♪

♪ She's been naughty ♪

♪ And then he ate my sugar cookie ♪

♪ I let him trim my fir tree ♪

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

♪ Ooh Santa ♪

♪ Is that a candy cane in your pocket? ♪

♪ Oh it is? ♪

♪ It's a candy cane? ♪

♪ Oh good, that's just what I wanted ♪

♪ A candy cane ♪

♪ Oh Santa fa la la ♪

(Jinkx clears throat)

So I can't sing about
my anonymous hookups,

but you can rap about
dry humping Santa Claus.

- No, Jinkx, that was a
perfectly innocent song

about Santa stuffing my
stocking to completion.

- That's filthy.

- Stuffing my stocking to
completio... I'm not hearing it.

- So all of this crazy
bullshit is supposed to get me

in the holiday spirit.

- No, it's supposed to get
you in the Christmas spirit.

- DeLa, didn't we say this was
going to be a holiday show?

- There's been a rewrite.

Now, come on Jinkx, and help me wish all

of our guests a Merry Christmas.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

- Why can't we just say Happy Holidays?

- We are by saying Merry Christmas.

Christmas isn't like, Christmas.

It's a blanket term.

It covers everyone.

Just a big, heavy blanket
term that lays over

everyone else's beliefs
pinning them to the mattress

until they comfortably drift
into an eternal slumber.

- But I don't celebrate Christmas.

- Oh, all right.

What do you celebrate?

Oh, is it like that um
(Hebrew uvulating, "Ch....")

Jewish Christmas?

- Hanukkah?

Hanukkah is not Jewish Christmas.

That's just what the
Santa industrial complex

wants you to think, and no,
I don't celebrate anything.

Thanks for finally asking by the way.

How typical, you fascists
in your red hats.

You're so busy shoving
Christmas down my throat.

- I'm sorry.

I thought you liked that.

So you don't believe in anything?

- I didn't say that.

I believe in things, real
things, tangible things

like attuning myself
to the natural rhythms

of life's forces marked
by the phases of the moon

and the seasonal quarters of the year.

You know, real stuff.

- [Nanog] Well, this isn't very Christmas.

- Nanog, shh.

Don't be rude.

We have to let Jinkx finish
whatever weird bit she's doing.

♪ Mother of magic, take my blood ♪

♪ Fill my womb, Hecate,
Hecate, Hecate, Hecate ♪

- Maybe you'd like a
little more nog, dear.

It will help to indoctrinate you.

- What?

- I-I-I-Ingratiate you
with the Christmas spirit.

- Well, apparently we're supposed to do

less Merry Christmas'ing
and more Happy Holidays'ing.

- Hmm, Happy holidays.

In my day, we said Merry
Christmas to everyone.

Jews, left-handed people,
beggars on the street

who we wouldn't give change to.

It was just what we did
and nobody seemed to mind.

- Well, I suppose that it couldn't hurt

to be a little more inclusive.

- Ugh, you kids and your buzz words.

Happy Holidays, inclusivity,
Women's lib, desegregation.

(Nanog giggles)

Have a little sip of me.

It will calm your nerves
and make you more pliable.

- What?

- Convivial.

(slurps)

- You know, I think
we've gotten off track.

Is receiving presents
what this time of year

is really all about?

Sure.

Is Santa Claus the one true prophet?

Absolutely. But every December
I still like to take a moment

to douse myself in Holy water,
to fondle some rosaries,

and to reflect on that
other Christmas thing.

You know the one.

- You mean that whole circle
jerk between the Father,

the Son, and the Holy ghost?

Angels, Virgin birth.

You don't think Mary was just
trying to pull one over on us?

- Oh, I don't like to overthink it.

- Oh, well then, sounds like Christianity

is a good fit for you.

- That's right.

It's time for a good old
fashioned Christmas pageant.

Jinkx will be playing Gabriel,

the angel who worked as God's messenger.

- Hey, these are mine and
they are not rosaries.

- Eww, and I'll be playing
Mary, the beautiful virgin.

- Why do you get to play the virgin?

- Anyway, let me set the scene.

It was a dark and stormy night.

- Oh boy.

- And Mary was just virginin' around,

and then God saw her and
He was like, ah-wooo-ga,

who's that hot tomata, homina, homina,

and then Gabriel came unto Mary

and Mary was like, what the?

And then Gabriel said,

Hey, my friend thinks you are super cute,

and He wants to put a baby inside you,

but don't worry, you
will not get to have sex,

and then Mary was like, yeah, I gotta go.

(music begins)

- I think I see where
you're going with this.

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ But Mary it's cold outside ♪

♪ I've got to go away ♪

♪ But Mary it's cold outside ♪

♪ This evening has been ♪

♪ And God's having His first kid ♪

♪ So very nice ♪

♪ He thinks your womb
would be just right ♪

♪ My mother will start to worry ♪

♪ Beautiful, what's your hurry ♪

♪ Know I'm only like 12 ♪

♪ God's still pretty young himself ♪

♪ So really I'd better scurry ♪

♪ Life expectancy is like 30 ♪

♪ But He is the all powerful Lord ♪

♪ Put some records on while I pour ♪

♪ The shepherds might think ♪

♪ But baby, you'll birth a King ♪

♪ Say, what's in this drink ♪

♪ Plus the whole Messiah thing ♪

♪ I wish I knew how ♪

♪ Your eyes are like starlight now ♪

♪ To break this spell ♪

♪ Do you what you want, see you in hell ♪

♪ I ought to be a nice young lady ♪

♪ Mind if I plant this baby ♪

♪ At least I'm gonna say that I tried ♪

♪ Won't harm your hymen from the outside ♪

♪ I really can't stay ♪

♪ Oh Mary don't hold out ♪

♪ Oh but it's God own child ♪

So then, even though Mary was
going heavy with someone else,

God coerced her into
having his child as if

it was some kind of honor
to have to push a baby

through her lady basement before she even

got to take it for a spin.

God and his fraternity of
angel bros just sat around

watching while Mary wandered the desert.

Like, God just hit it and quit it.

Then when she was ready to
pop, her and her main piece,

Joseph, came upon an inn
and even the innkeeper

was a complete douche.

I'll be the innkeeper now.

♪ I've got no more room ♪

♪ But Mister it's cold outside ♪

♪ Say what's with your groom ♪

♪ That's Joseph, he's cold outside ♪

♪ Gee, I wish I could help ♪

♪ I'll give you five stars on Yelp ♪

♪ But I'm uninsured ♪

♪ I think my water just broke, Mister ♪

♪ I guess you could take the manger ♪

♪ I'm seriously in labor ♪

♪ The donkeys would be pissed if you did ♪

♪ Jesus Christ I'm having a kid ♪

♪ Just lay down some towels ♪

♪ This baby is coming ♪

♪ Oh but it's God's... ♪

♪ Own ♪

♪ Child ♪

(moaning)

- [Jinkx] Eww.

(music transition, style
of upbeat 60's pop)

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Come on everybody ♪

♪ Go-go with me ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Because a virgin had a baby ♪

♪ That you'll all wanna see ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ It's the major-est manger in history ♪

♪ A swingin' scene called the Nativity ♪

♪ There's a crazy new dance
and it goes like this ♪

♪ It's a little something
called the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Cross your chest and
then you shake your hips ♪

♪ Everybody do the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Hark do you hear those
herald angels sing ♪

♪ They say ♪

♪ [J] Fa la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ [D] They hear that crazy
rhythm and they start to swing ♪

♪ [J] Fa la la la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ [D] All the hippest cats,
from shepherds to wise men ♪

♪ Are down with the dance
sweeping Bethlehem ♪

♪ There's a crazy new dance
and it goes like this ♪

♪ It's a little something
called the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Cross your chest and
then you shake your hips ♪

♪ Everybody do the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Na na na Nativity ♪

♪ Clap your hands and move your feet ♪

♪ To the na na na Nativity ♪

♪ The donkeys and the sheep
all start to swayin' ♪

♪ 'Round the pile of hay
that the infant lay in ♪

♪ It's 1 A.D. and it's the place to be ♪

♪ So come on down to the Nativity ♪

♪ There's a crazy new dance
and it goes like this ♪

♪ It's a little something
called the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Cross your chest and
then you shake your hips ♪

♪ Everybody do the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ New baby on the scene
has got them all it fits ♪

♪ Everybody's doing the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Cross your chest and
then you shake your hips ♪

♪ Everybody do the Nativity Twist ♪

♪ Na na na Nativity ♪

♪ Clap your hands and move your feet ♪

♪ To the na na na Nativity ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

- So then Jesus was born and
then they named him Jesus,

and then he grew up to perform
all sorts of wacky miracles,

like turning fish into more
fish and bread into more bread,

and then he lived happily ever after.

Uhhh, Jesus died a
notoriously gruesome death.

- What?

No way.

- Yeah, it was kind of his whole thing.

- Pfft, that's not how I heard it.

If you want to get into
detail, the story was

that Santa couldn't fly his
sleigh, and then he remembered

that Jesus' nose was all red and shiny

'cause he drank a lot of wine.

So Jesus joined all the other reindeer,

but then Frosty was like, help I'm melting

'cause I have leprosy, but Jesus was like,

I love lepers and prostitutes,
but then the Nutcracker

ratted Him out to Pontius Pilate and then.

- DeLa, this is insane.

None of this makes any sense.

If I know this isn't how the story goes,

then you know it's wrong.

I am not doing this.

- But it's, but it's.

- But it's, but it's in the script.

Yeah, well screw your script.

Maybe it's time I write
some of this script.

- Jinkx, no, you can't.

(trilling) I'm a big, stupid idiot.

Hey!

- How's it feel?

Ha ha!

- Hey, Jinkx, come on.

I'm a big starry eyed
dumdum, and I just want

to make everything all about myself.

(in baby voice) Me wuv Cwismas.

Twadition, twadition, derp, derp, derp.

Stop it!

- No! This is what you get!

(crying)

- I need a dipey change!

- DeLa takes a time out
in her room to think about

what she's done like the bad baby she is.

- Jinkx, don't push me.

(door slams)
- You don't have the guts.

- Oh yeah?

Stop hitting yourself,
stop hitting yourself.

- Oh, you want to go
with stage directions?

That's it.

The gloves are off.

Suddenly, DeLa tumbles down the stairs

like a stupid fat boulder
(thumping down stairs)

rolling down a stupid fat hill.

- You can't get rid of me that easy.

- Out of nowhere, we have an
indoor wind storm picks up

on the soundstage and blows
only DeLa out of frame.

(intense wind storm)
(Jinkx cackling)

(DeLa screams)
(Jinkx laughs maniacally)

(Jinkx laughs maniacally)

The audience, so enamored
with how Jinkx handled

the situation, begins to
cheer uncontrollably for her.

(laughing)
(audience cheering)

- DeLa re-enters the set,
having fully recovered

from all of her injuries and
looking freaking gorgeous.

Jinkx, dumbfounded, just flatulates.

(farting)
(screaming)

(more farting, wet and gross)
(Jinkx vocalizes horror)

- Stop it, stop, stop.

(still more farting)

How dare you!

You know I hate poop humor!

- Oh, do you?

- I love poop.

Farts, farts, farts. (gasping)

I have had it, DeLa!

You have taken over this
entire show and I am not...

- But you need me.

- I don't need you for anything.

I don't need anyone.

- Well, let me just...

- No, I am done letting you just.

Now I'm going to just.

DeLa drops her script
and her editing crayon.

She struggles to move but to no avail,

knowing that whatever's coming to her,

she's brought upon herself.

Suddenly a giant polar
bear storms the set,

(huge roars, dramatic music)

a mountain of fur, fangs, and claws.

The snarling beast charges DeLa,

who is dragged into the wintry oblivion,

knowing that CHRISTMAS...

IS...

RUINED...!

(DeLa screams, polar bear
roars, intense dramatic music)

(door slams)

(Jinkx stomps across the stage)

(yelling) Co-write this
show with me, Jinkx.

Star in the show with me, Jinkx.

I can't do it without you, Jinkx.

She never wanted to
share this day with me.

- [Naked Guy] You gonna finish those?

(Jinkx screams)
(glass bottle shatters)

- Oh, shit!

I am so sorry.

I didn't know you were still here,

or remember that you
were here to begin with.

- Oh, it's fine, but are
you gonna finish these?

- What am I still doing here?

I don't need to live on this soundstage.

There are all sorts of unlocked buildings

I could be sleeping in.

She doesn't need me and I don't need her.

- Who?

- DeLa.

She said we had to do this
stupid holiday show no matter

how idiotic I told her it was.

She just hounded and hounded and hounded.

- Hmm, sounds like she really wanted

to spend the holiday with you.

- (cackling) If she wanted
to spend the holiday

with me, then she has a
sick way of showing it.

She has been at her absolute worst.

- Oh, maybe she's just stressed.

Christmas kind of sucks
for everyone, right?

- Not for DeLa.

DeLa grew up in an ivory
tower, surrounded by other

smaller ivory towers in some
kind of ivory gated community.

Also, the trees were ivory.

- Are you going to finish these?

- The point is DeLa grew up
having the kind of Christmases

that I only heard about,
and I only heard about them

from other kids who had
also only heard about them.

It was several degrees of removal.

- Like a game of Telephone.

- What?

- Like a game of Telephone.

Comes out sounding all
different on the other side.

- I'm sorry.

Did you just turn my rant into a metaphor?

I just mean, you weren't there.

Are you going to finish this?

Hmm, maybe your experiences weren't

actually all that different.

(bong bubbling)

Maybe you two just deal
with them in different ways.

(exhales)

- With all due respect,

naked man whose name escapes me...

- Mmhmm.

- You have no idea what
Christmas was like at my house.

(music, in the style of 60s-70s glam rock)

♪ The house is dressed in
hues of green and red ♪

♪ Sugarplums and grudges in our heads ♪

♪ And in the grand old-fashioned way ♪

♪ With the family for the day ♪

♪ And all the wine-soaked
fury simmering unsaid ♪

♪ Everybody glows in Christmas light ♪

♪ Everybody's itchin' for a fight ♪

♪ And now it's Macy's on parade ♪

♪ Clench your teeth, shut up, behave ♪

♪ So that we can say we're
doing St. Nick right ♪

♪ Let's have a passive
aggressive Christmas ♪

♪ Let's hurt the ones who love us most ♪

♪ We'll bitch behind each other's backs ♪

♪ And then pretend that we're all close ♪

♪ It's only seven hours ♪

♪ So buckle up, strap yourself in ♪

♪ We did it all last year
and we'll do it all again ♪

♪ Oh, aunts and uncles come to call ♪

♪ Set 'em up and watch 'em fall ♪

♪ And you can fake that
smile all through the night ♪

♪ Oh, and I'll match
their cold and icy glare ♪

♪ As they pick apart the clothes I wear ♪

♪ And ask which guy I'm screwin' today ♪

- [Jinkx's Mom, drunkenly] Now sweetheart,

do you want to be the
one to say the blessing?

♪ And I'll say ♪

♪ Let's have a passive
aggressive Christmas ♪

♪ 'Cause we're all stuck
here 'til we're free ♪

♪ Shouting, lying, secret crying ♪

♪ Drunken fights around the tree ♪

♪ So let's blast through the presents ♪

♪ And cut the sentimental end ♪

♪ We did it all last year
and we'll do it all again ♪

♪ Ohhhh we did it all last
year and we'll do it all ♪

♪ again ♪

♪ Ho ♪

♪ Ho ho ♪

♪ Ho ho ho ♪

♪ No ♪

So you can understand
why it is so infuriating

that DeLa keeps trying to push the way

she feels about this holiday onto me.

- So that's why you're
doing the same thing to her?

- What?

No, no, no, no.

I'm not...

What?

That's not what I'm...

What?

- I mean, sure, DeLa will
never know what it's like

being you, just like you'll never know

what it's like being her.

You both obviously have
a lot of complex feelings

about the holiday, but one's experience

doesn't invalidate the others.

I think you both could
stand to have a little more

patience and empathy for one another.

- Fuck, man.

(smacks)

- Mm.

- An hour ago, I didn't
even know you could talk

and now you're totally blowing my mind.

- See, people aren't as one
dimensional as you thought. Hmm.

Anyways, I should probably get going.

Be a good friend to DeLa.

(door shuts)

- Well, I guess I had
more of the Holy Spirit

inside me than I thought.

DeLa, DeLa needs me.

I gotta save Christmas!

(scribbling)

There's still time.

There's still time!

(sounds of a wintery storm)
(labored breathing)

(wet footsteps)
(polar bear head thuds)

(metal clanging)
(DeLa breathing heavily)

(Nanog humming "Jingle Bells")

- Oh, hey Nanog.

You know, this holiday special isn't going

quite as I planned.

(electric zaps, light slamming to ground)

I just wanted to give
Jinkx a perfect Christmas,

but all I've done is make
both of us miserable.

- Tada! (giggles) That's Christmas.

- What did I do wrong?

- Nothing.

This is it.

Congratulations.

- What? No, this isn't Christmas.

This is terrible.

- You wanted my help carrying
on Christmas tradition.

So you worked your fingers to the bone,

made yourself sick trying to uphold

some imaginary ideal of
the past, tried to force

someone else to do something
that isn't important to them,

ultimately leading to everyone feeling

disappointed, resentful, and angry.

- But you said that through
the spirit of tradition.

- I just said the spirit of
tradition is how I did it.

I didn't say it was good
or that anyone liked it.

- But I remember Christmas
always being so lovely.

- Oh, that's because you're drunk.

- What?

- Wasted.

- But I thought you were virgin.

- Everyone wants to believe
their grandmother's a virgin.

Have you not understood what the spirit

of tradition is this whole time?

- Oh, of course.

It's like generosity and nostalgia and...

- Oh, no no no no no no no no no no.

It's rum.

I'm extremely alcoholic.

I'm drunk right now. (giggle)

So are you. (giggle)

- So, I only think I like Christmas.

(dramatic music sting)
(explosions, fire)

- DeLa, DeLa!

DeLa, DeLa, DeLa, DeLa,
DeLa, DeLa, DeLa, DeLa,

(gasps for breath)
DeLa!

I'm ready for our big dance number.

Now I found these outfits for us.

It's no burlap sack, but I think.

- I tried everything.

Everything to make this
a sugar plum-derful

evening of festi-tainment.

- And I think if we go
straight into the shim sham

out of the lickety-split,
we'll avoid getting off-rhythm

With the Saskatoon Skidoo.

- But nothing worked.

Now I see why.

(Jinkx maniacal laughing)

- It was all a lie.

- Now in bar 48, when you
lift me over your head,

remember to lift with your
legs, because when you lift me

with your hands, it's
just not that impressive.

- I stared into Rudolph's glowing red nose

searching for some inkling of truth.

♪ You'll be good ♪

♪ We'll have fun ♪

- All I found in that
fiery proboscis was snot.

- Lights, camera, rule of threes.

And a five, six, seven, eight!

(jaunty music)

(DeLa crashes to the floor)

(tap dancing)

(thud)

DeLa, something about you seems different.

- I've seen the truth,
the truth about Christmas.

- But I thought you loved Christmas.

- Turns out I've been drunk all night.

- [Jinkx] Mazel.

- There's something else.

When you weren't looking, I, I.

- What is it, DeLa?

- I've been talking to the
ghost of my dead grandmother

who lives inside of that eggnog.

(DeLa, drunkenly) I'm gonna Christmas, ha!

Be a witch. (snorts) Ha, DeLa.

- DeLa!

(DeLa sobbing)

- Yeah, that is shocking.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it.

May I ask how your
grandmother passed away?

- [Nanog] Mistletoe.

- Mistletoe?

- You can hear her too?

- Yeah, I can now.

I have a much higher tolerance
than you, but I got there.

- Nanog, mistletoe killed you?

I will avenge you, Nanog.

- No, I died eating mistletoe.

- Whaaaa?

I didn't know mistletoe was poisonous.

- Oh, terribly so.

- Well then why do we bring
it into our homes every year,

around our family and loved ones?

- It's tradition.

- I don't believe this.

If a tradition killed you why have you

been helping me carry them on?

- Uh, I'm very old.

I'm also kind of homophobic
and a little racist.

You should not be
listening to me. (giggles)

- You want to try the finale again?

We can write it in the script.

- I don't think I care
about the finale anymore.

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

- Well, maybe you need to rethink perfect,

'cause sitting here with
you feels pretty perfect.

We get to define perfect for ourselves,

Christmas for ourselves.

My nameless trick who may
have also been... nevermind,

he showed me that sometimes
we set limits on our future

because of our past, when ding-dong,

the future can be whatever we want.

Fuck it, our traditions
can be whatever we want,

and no matter what, you're my sister DeLa.

- Oh Jinkx.

- And I want my traditions,
whatever they may be,

to be with you.

Here, listen to this song.

- Wait, that's how you're
going to start the next song?

You're just going to
say listen to the son-

- Shh.

Shh.

I'm trying to sing.

(music - a grand, orchestral ballad)

♪ So you wanted a perfect holiday ♪

♪ But you failed ♪

♪ We could have had a decent show ♪

♪ But that ship sailed ♪

♪ You kept your audience hostage ♪

♪ For an hour ♪

♪ Until their joyful moods had all ♪

♪ Been soured ♪

♪ The childhood festivities
we once revered ♪

♪ Now as adults seem
depressing and weird ♪

♪ So next year we'll find
a tradition that's new ♪

♪ And gay ♪

♪ Think of the tree we
deck with Christmas ♪

♪ Cheer ♪

♪ Chopping down entire forests ♪
(chainsaws whirring)

♪ every year ♪

♪ Or maybe a plastic model ♪

♪ You've displayed ♪
(sparks, zaps)

♪ That gets thrown in a dump to never ♪

♪ Biodegrade ♪
(bong bubbles)

♪ Oh the meaning is good ♪
(fire crackling)

♪ and the sentiment's nice ♪

♪ But let's not kill the
Earth to celebrate Christ ♪

♪ And next year we'll find
traditions that are new ♪

♪ And gay ♪

♪ Think of all the fruitcake wasted ♪

♪ Aren't our tastebuds more evolved ♪

♪ What's the point in
repeating the pointless ♪

♪ Traditions we pass on should
be for everyone involved ♪

♪ So let's celebrate in ways we won't ♪

♪ Detest ♪
♪ [DeLa] Ahhh ahhhh ahh ahh ♪

♪ Keep those rituals that serve you ♪

♪ And then say fuck the rest ♪

♪ The winter's grim and life is hard ♪

♪ But you can't put that
on a Hallmark card ♪

♪ So next year we'll find
traditions that are new ♪

♪ Until the day that they get old too ♪

♪ Then the next year we'll find ♪

♪ Traditions that are new and gay ♪

♪ New and... ♪

♪ GAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY! ♪

- You know, Jinkx, I think we did exactly

what we set out to do tonight.

- Drink ourselves stupid?

- No.

- Get banged by a deity.

- No.

- Force our doctrine on
the youth of the world.

- No.

We made a brand new tradition

just for us, for our family.

The one we chose.

You're my sister, Jinkx.

You're my family

And you're our family

because we're choosing
each other right now.

- What about Nanog?

- Oh right, Nanog.

(Jinkx giggles)

- Should we try to reform her
or educate her or something?

- Usually I'd say yes, but she's either

a hallucination or dead so.

- Dump her down the drain.

- Yes.

(music begins, upbeat and in
the style of musical-theatre)

Well, Jinkx, we sure have
learned a lot tonight.

- We sure have.

- Turns out whether
you celebrate Christmas

or don't celebrate Christmas,
it could be a hard time

of year for a lot of us.

- That's true, but at least
we're all miserable together.

♪ [DeLa] Everyone is
traumatized by Christmas ♪

♪ Everyone's just grinning
through the cheer ♪

♪ We start our lives all starry-eyed ♪

♪ With childhood propaganda ♪

♪ Then find out all those
strange men's laps ♪

♪ Were never really Santa (gasp!) ♪

♪ Everyone is traumatized by Christmas ♪

♪ It's almost no one's
favorite time of year ♪

♪ [Jinkx] Everyone is
traumatized by Christmas ♪

♪ And generously spreads
their shit around ♪

♪ The Jesus, songs, mangers on lawns ♪

♪ This bullshit is incessant ♪

♪ The Christians have the world on lock ♪

♪ And now they want a present ♪

♪ Everyone is traumatized by Christmas ♪

♪ No one's safe when Santa comes to town ♪

♪ [DeLa] No matter where you come from ♪

♪ No matter who are ♪

♪ [Jinkx] There's something
'bout this holiday ♪

♪ That's sure to leave a scar ♪

♪ An overbearing family ♪

♪ [DeLa] No family at all ♪

♪ [Both] Run over by a reindeer ♪

♪ Or just working at the mall ♪

♪ Ohhhh ♪

♪ Everyone is traumatized ♪

♪ By Christmas ♪

♪ We just have our wounds
gift wrapped to get by ♪

♪ We all drown our depression
in more fruitcake and wine ♪

♪ You may feel like you're all alone ♪

♪ But sister, get in line 'cause ♪

♪ Everyone is traumatized by ♪

♪ Christmastime ♪

♪ But at least they're not alone ♪

♪ No, at least you're not alone ♪

♪ No, you're not alone if
you've been traumatized ♪

(jolly Christmas music)

(splash, swirl down drain)

(upbeat holiday music plays)

(ornaments shatter)

(horn toots)

(lights flicker and buzz, explosion)

(train whistle blows)

(crash sounds, fire)

('boing-oing' of jack-in-the-box)

(fire roars)

- [DeLa] Wait a second! I just realized something.

This was supposed to be a holiday special

and we only talked about Christmas.
This was supposed to be a holiday special

and we only talked about Christmas.

- [Jinkx] You just realized that?

- [DeLa] Yeah, why didn't you say anything?

- [Jinkx] Ugh! Well, it's a little late to talk about all the other winter holidays.

- [DeLa] Well I don't think so.

We've got the rest of the credits!

Let's just get 'em all in.

(hip-hop beat plays)

♪ [DeLa] On Saint Nicholas Day people throw a feast ♪

♪ In some parts of Europe and the Middle East ♪

♪ [Jinkx] Saint Nick? That’s Christmas. ♪

♪ [DeLa] No this is different. ♪

♪ [J] It still has Santa… ♪

♪ [D] No you gotta picture this. Saint Nick is Santa. ♪

♪ [J] But Santa’s not Saint Nicholas? ♪
♪ [D] Ambiguous ♪

♪ [J] That’s crazy ♪
♪ [D] Oh yeah it’s ridiculous ♪

♪ [D] But wait it gets weirder cuz there’s anti-Santas ♪

♪ Like in Austria where Krampus is the big man on campus ♪

♪ Rumpelklas, Pelznickel, Belsnickel and Hans Muff ♪

♪ punish bad kids in the place where they’re indigenous ♪

♪ So there’s a lotta ways to celebrate the holidays ♪

♪ [Jinkx] Well that’s all charmin’ - but.. ♪

♪ [DeLa] Jinkx, I beg your pardon - There’s more! ♪
♪ [Jinkx] More? ♪

♪ [DeLa] Sure! There’s a whole lot more! ♪

♪ Buckle up, buttercup, we're just startin' the tour! ♪

♪ [Both] Holidays, holidays, Internation-ol-idays ♪

♪ Traditio-nationalities, Inclusive-festivities... ♪

♪ All around the world, there's different kinds of holidays for boys and girls ♪

♪ It’s a holiday variété... Internation-ol-idays ♪

♪ [DeLa] If you wander on south, down to Mexico Way ♪

♪ They mark the date a saint said he saw Virgin Guadalupe ♪

♪ [DeLa] In 1631 in Mexico City ♪
♪ [Jinkx] OK well did he? ♪

♪ [DeLa] Iffy. ♪
♪ [Jinkx] Nifty. ♪

♪ [DeLa] Well this stuff is 50/50. But that’s really not the point - it’s what you believe in. ♪

♪ And that just depends on your background and your region, ♪

♪ Like Saint Lucia day in Sweden or Chuseok if your Korean ♪

♪ [Jinkx] Drag Race if you’re a degenerate? ♪

♪ [DeLa] Yeah, see now your gettin it! ♪

♪ Then there’s the news that Jews are honoring with Hanukah ♪

♪ When one day an oil burned for way longer ♪

♪ They light the eight candles for the eight days in the temple ♪

♪ That Judah and his pack a’ Maccabees had assembled ♪

♪ [Jinkx] Hanukah, oh Hanukah, come light the menorah ♪

♪ [DeLa] So that’s if your Jewish, and then if your Buddhist you've got Bodhi Day ♪

[Jinkx] Ok let’s get through this.

♪ [DeLa] Muslim customs gives 'em some Mawlid an-Nabawī ♪

♪ Kwanza is to honor your African pedigree ♪

♪ Immaculate Conception is a day down in Lima ♪

♪ And I don’t know much about the Church of Satan ‘cept Sabrina ♪

♪ [Jinkx] So there's a lotta holy days for churches and covens, ♪

♪ but whatcha got for Atheists? ♪

♪ [DeLa] Meh - we got nothin. Well except for Christmas, ♪

♪ if your interest is commercial not religious... ♪

♪ Just a day to pray you get your Amazon wishlist. ♪

♪ I guess that brings us back to where we were before this. ♪

[Jinkx] Does that mean you’re done rapping?

[DeLa] Just gimme one more chorus.

♪ [Both] Holidays, holidays, Internation-ol-idays ♪

♪ Traditio-nationalities, inclusive-festivities... ♪

♪ All around the world ♪

♪ There’s different kinds of holidays for boys and girls ♪

♪ It’s a holiday variété. Internation-ol-idays... ♪

(DeLa beatboxes)