The Hottest Day of the Year (2011) - full transcript

Hey, Stuby-Doo.
Tell me the truth, buddy.

You still hurt from
that beating last Friday?

Huh. I'm alright.

I still got some blood in my urine.

Yeah. I once had blood in my semen.

- Looked like a candy cane.
- Ugh.

- Don't tell me that.
- Well, we're on the topic.

Don't compare your semen
to a Christmas candy.

It's funny you say that,

cause it was
around the holidays, too.

- Oh, stop it!
- Hey, what's this guy doing?



Looks like we got
something over here.

Well, well, well,
what do we got here?

Ugh!

Looks like it's hot enough
to fry a leg on the sidewalk.

[Chuckles]

Right? I mean,
not an egg but a leg.

- We get it.
- What do you guys know, anyway?

How's it going today, sir?

[Grunts]

[Chuckles]

Ahh.

Hey, buddy.

Oh! Ho-ho-ho!

- Oh!
- Oh!



This zombie smells like balls!

- Ugh.
- Wow!

Why do you smell like balls?

That's probably
not a great idea.

- Why?
- 'Cause you never know if, uh--

Hey, you got
a permit to be here?

- Well, now we know.
- Now we know.

One year ago...

Vampire, werewolves,
and zombies...

Descended upon California's
San Fernando valley.

Authorities remain baffled
by their origins.

♪ Love is nasty
'cause it gets so rotten ♪

♪ I think it's time to put
this body in the ground ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ we're losing all control ♪

♪ the buildings
all turn to dust ♪

♪ and I think
it's getting closer ♪

♪ 'cause
they're coming for us ♪

Is there a lack
of energy out here,

or is it just my imagination?

Captain, when are we
gonna get the A.C. fixed?

I will answer that
question with a question.

Would you rather have
air-conditioning

or the streets free of crime?

How are those
even the two choices?

I will ignore that question
with a story.

As many of you may recall,
last week,

John-John played
whack-a-mole

with a senior citizen.

As a result,
we are under temporary oversight

by Internal Affairs.

And just because
Deputy Chief Ribbings

comes to us with very little
real-world experience

and a total lack
of understanding

of what we actually do here
on a daily basis

is no reason to treat him
with disrespect.

Deputy chief Ribbings.

Okay.

Officer Johnson's recent mishap

has resulted in new protocols

that are to be followed
by all UTF personnel.

When it comes
to proper protocol,

killing zombies
is really no different

than killing any other citizen.

I believe officer Johnson
already proved that, sir.

Right, John-John?

Huh?

Up top.
All right.

These cards will guide you
when encountering

a potential undead suspect,
or...

Pus.

They will help you
to interrogate the pus,

determine if he
or she is indeed undead,

confirm that determination,

and then proceed
to dispatch him.

"Excuse me,
I'm a police officer,

"and I have cause to believe

you may have contracted
the zombie virus."

Well, that's moronic.

I'll get myself killed
if I do that.

And these on-ear look-see
video cameras you'll be wearing,

which are also neatly placed
on your desks,

will allow us to see
how you got killed

and how we can prevent
similar deaths in the future.

Any questions?

Okay, people,
I don't like having

Deputy Chief Ribbings here
any more than you do.

But Johnson, Rinaldi,

since you're the ones that took
a dookie in this particular bed,

you'll be the ones to cart this
gentleman around for the day.

[Carla sighs]

The rest of you stay hydrated,

it is 112 degrees in the shade.

If I hear
about one of you dying,

it damn well better be from
a zombie, vampire, or werewolf

and not sunstroke.

Is that understood?

- Uh, captain?
- SPF 50, Stubeck.

You're not getting
a sunburn today,

not on my watch.

Anyway, let's get out there
and kill something!

Billy. Billy.

- You sure the A.C.'s working?
- Yes, the A.C. is working.

We just got in the car,
give it a few minutes.

Whatever.
I'm not waiting.

- Ahh!
- Stop it.

Put that back on!

- Why?
- Department policy.

Yeah? And my policy
is to take my shirt off

when it's hot as balls out.

Why are you always comparing
things to balls?

'Cause balls are hot,
and they smell bad.

Anyway, today it's all
wife-beater all the time.

Don't call them that.
I have a wife whom I respect.

- What do call them, then?
- White, ribbed tank tops.

That's what they're called.

- Read the package.
- Read my package.

No, I can't read your package.
There's no letters on it.

You know what, man?

It's gross outside today,
all right?

Can you at least try
and have some fun?

Can we please just have
some fun today?

I'm nothing but fun.

Check this out.

How are people even
gonna know you're on the job

without your uniform on?

- That's how.
- Ooh. That's pretty sweet.

- Right there.
- Where'd you get it?

Got it at some place
in Van Nuys.

You know, with every tattoo,

they were giving away
a free genital piercing?

What?

I didn't even want
a genital piercing,

but at those prices,
I'm not gonna say no.

Oh!

[Over radio]
Attention, all units,

111 in progress,
corner of Victory and Alameda.

Hey. Somebody fun
wouldn't answer that.

Don't get it!

This is Stubeck and Pierce.
We're on it.

No fun.

God, it is like
a sauna in here.

Aren't you hot as hell, Carla?

Not taking
my top off, John-John.

Damn.

You know, officer Johnson,
you're awfully smug

for a guy who just killed a man
in the prime of his life.

He was 82.

And he still ran a mile
three days a week--

or walked a mile,
but at that age,

there's almost no difference.

[Over radio]
Possible 188 in progress

at the Mel-o-Dee Nursery--
8233 Lankershim, please respond.

This is Rinaldi.
We're on it.

[Siren wailing]

- [Sighs] Here we go.
- How do I look?

- Oh, kind of like a douche.
- Thanks.

So your niece is going

to another one
of those parties later,

and unless you
need me around here,

I was thinking maybe
I'd check up on her again

and make sure she's not getting
into any trouble?

That sounds great, Kirsten.

Awesome, I was just--

Hey, you said my name right.

What's that?

Nothing.

[Siren wailing]

All right, let's go.

- Damn, it is hot as hell.
- I know, right?

Now, remember,

when you see a pus,
you're gonna want to take--

Look, I know you went
through a lot of trouble

with these cards,

like laminating them
and everything,

- but this is a dumb idea.
- Yeah, seriously, man.

Somebody gonna
get hurt this way, brah.

Well, people were getting
killed your way, brah.

So let's give this
a shot, shall we?

Okay, who's taking point?

Wait, you're not coming
with us, are you?

You bet your ass I am.

- Jesus [bleep].
- Right.

[People screaming,
zombie snarls]

Excuse me.
I am a police officer, and I--

[gunshot]

Of course, it's--
it's probably time for me

to check in
with the home office.

Yep.

I'll let that one go,
but from now on...

Protocol.

- Pro--
- Protocol.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

Proto--protocol.

No, thank you.

I said, no, gracias--
[Screams]

Hey, sucks to be
that guy today, huh?

Billy, it's never fun
to be that guy.

After we take care of this,

we should go buy
some oranges from him.

Yeah, that's a great idea,

if you want to get
the sewer poops.

Ugh! What are
the sewer poops?

It sounds like
a horrible punk-rock band.

[Mexican accent] Please
buy my orange poop pellets.

You think oranges
are poop pellets?

- [Imitating flatulence]
- Ugh!

- [Imitating flatulence]
- Aah!

Just to let you know, I'm not
getting out of the car today.

It's brutal out here.

Just a minute.

[Clears throat]

Excuse me!

I am a police officer,
and I have cause to believe

you may have contracted
the zombie virus.

If you can understand me--

The guy's obviously contracted
the zombie virus.

You're right.

Oh, fine.

I have an idea.

You don't think I can have fun?

I can be fun.
[Engine revving]

What are you doing?

Yeah!
Bowling for zombies?

Yeah!

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

- Whoa!
- Ha-ha-ho!

Count it!

[Tires screeching]
Look at you.

You're like a whole new person.

- Oh!
- Yes!

That's the sickest thing
I've ever heard.

[Laughs] Oh, man.

Right there, buddy.

Hey, Stu, looks like
you left the seven pin.

[Tires squealing]

[Laughter]

Who is this new guy?

I like him.

Oh, come on!

The guy's like Mickey Rourke
from The Wrestler.

Yeah, he keeps getting up.

No, no, I mean,
the guy looks like

Mickey Rourke
from The Wrestler.

Get him, Stuby!

Yeah, mother lover!
Suck on that!

You're a maniac!
You're a maniac!

[Tires squealing]

♪ ♪

[Both laughing]
Oh, that's awesome!

Awesome!

Backing her up--
I'm just gonna make sure.

[Splattering]

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

[Engine revving]

- What's going on?
- Damn it.

We got Mickey Rourke
stuck under our car.

Uh, wow.

What does Rico do?

How does he afford
something like this?

I think his dad's
kind of a big deal.

What, is he some,
like, movie producer agent

or something?

No, silly.
He's a vampire.

So same thing, I guess.

[Chuckles]

Well, don't you ladies
look beautiful.

- Thanks, Rico.
- Thanks for inviting us.

No problem. It's nice
to have some friends over

and just hang out
with my fang out, you know?

You came on a special night.

- How so?
- It's a turning party...

for Claire.

Uh, a-a turning party?

[Smooches]

- You excited, baby?
- Very.

Why don't you two grab
some drinks from the bar?

Oh, tell Divina
to give you the good vodka.

You deserve it.

Okay.

Excuse me.
I have--

Excuse me.
I'm a police officer.

And I have cause--what?

And I have cause to believe
that you may have contracted

the zombie virus.

- John-John, shh!
- Huh.

I'm trying to memorize it.

[Squishing, crunching]

Excuse me.

I am a police officer.

And I have cause to believe
that you may have--

Come on, are you serious?

Hey, you're not the one

who almost got indicted
for murder, okay?

Work with me.

If you can understand me,
please indicate--

[gunshots]
Oh, [bleep]!

[Zombie snarling]

Whoa!

John-John! Go!

- Oh, she got my clips!
- What?

My clips!

[Zombies snarling]

Here shut the door!
Shut the door!

[Zombies snarling]

- Aah!
- Hold it, hold it!

I got to get to my gun.

- I got to get a clip.
- Yeah.

I think they left.

- Run?
- Uh-huh.

Clip!

Bust they ass!
Bust they ass!

[Gunshots]

Go, go, go!

[Gunshot]

[Zombie snarling]
Come on!

I got to get my weapon on.

Oh, don't ever talk
like that again.

So, big night, huh?

Yeah, can you believe Rico
threw this whole party for me?

Have you thought
about it much--

- becoming a vampire?
- Oh, yeah.

I think it's gonna be
the best thing I've ever done.

But what if it's not?

I mean, there's
no going back, you know?

Why would I want to go back?

I'm not an idiot, okay?

I wrote out a whole
pro-and-con list last week--

immortality,
controlling zombies,

Rico.

Yeah, I mean,
Rico's cute, but--

Wait, controlling zombies?

Rico says they do it through
some kind of mind control.

Plus, can you imagine
what the sex is like?

No, um, not really.

[Engine revving]

[Sighs]

- Let's just--
- Let's take care of this.

Yeah.

Ugh.

- Ugh.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yep.
- That's it.

- Ugh.
- All right, let's go.

Uh-huh.

Hey, you know,
a little help would be nice.

Jesus.
Ready?

- One, two...
- [Grunting]

Three!

[Splatter]

- Aah!
- Oh-ho-ho!

- Oh-ho!
- Oh!

- Oh, Stu!
- Stop laughing!

Oh, you look disgusting, man!

I love it.

[Chain saw whirring]

[Power tools whirring]

Yeah.

Let's go.

Ugh!

Wow, I see you didn't use that
waxing coupon I gave you, huh?

[Laughs]

FYI, do not go out
on a full moon.

- You will get locked up.
- [Chuckles]

Quiet down back there,

nobody makes fun
of my partner but me.

[Chuckles]
Nice wife-be--

Nice white, ribbed
men's tank top.

Hey, how are people gonna know
we're cops, anyway?

Hopefully, they won't.

I don't care
how much trouble I get into.

I ain't doing that protocol
bull[bleep] no more, ever.

Oh, thank God you're here.

- You've been bit.
- Oh, really?

I was wondering why the inside
of my neck was on the outside.

Look, I need you to kill me.

I tried to do it myself,
but I can't.

[Softly]
I'm catholic.

So you've got to do it,

because God knows I'm not
gonna spend my last few minutes

on this earth as a zombie!

Okay, come on, kill me.

Kill me.

I am your commanding officer,
and that is an order!

You put me down this instant!

You calm down. Okay, I get it.
[Ribbings groaning]

And I will put you down.

But first,
there's a certain protocol

that I must follow
when coming across a, um...

Damn, what do you call
that again, Carla?

- A pus, John-John...
- Mm.

- Possible undead suspect.
- Right.

[Groaning]
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Excuse me.
I'm a police officer,

and I have cause to believe
you may have contracted

the zombie virus.

Kill me, you jackass!

Well, what do you think,
John-John?

I don't know.

It says here that we must wait
60 seconds for confirmation.

I'm a pus!

Kill me!

[Loud crunch]

Come here, Claire.

- [Hissing]
- [Hissing]

[Moaning]

[Moans loudly]

Slut.

I know, right?

Actually,
I've totally fantasized

about being gang-fanged.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Thunder booms]

[Grunting]

[Indistinct whispering]

Jesus.

[Applause]

That was...insane.

I know! Aren't you
so psyched that you came?

Come on, let's go see Claire.

I've got my eye on you.

I know your secret.

- You do?
- Why?

You think
you're fooling anybody?

On the outside,
you act all sweet,

innocent,

but deep down inside,
there's a bad girl

just wanting to come out.

Huh.

I guess you do know my secret.

It's not
a secret anymore, Amber.

Mindfreak.

Yeah.

You can be next.

I'm serious.

Looks like we have ourselves
a werewolf to apprehend.

[Growling]

It's the same vamp
that jumped me outside the bar.

- Let's do this.
- Let's kick some vamp ass!

Freeze!

She'll get her.
[Gunshot]

- She stinks!
- Yeah, she's a zombie.

Whoa. Hey.

You think those two are--

I don't want to think
about it.

Jesus! Pull over!
[Shouts]