The Hot Scots (1948) - full transcript
The stooges apply for job as 'Yard Men' at Scotland Yard, thinking they'll become detectives, but instead wind up as gardeners. When they learn that detectives are need to guard a Scottish castle where valuables have been disappearing, they masquerades as Scotsmen to get the job. After a spooky night in the castle, the boys expose the servants as the crooks.
[♪]
Pardon, inspector.
There are three chaps outside
insisting upon an interview.
Very well, Dawson.
Show them in.
Yes, sir.
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, well.
Good morning.
STOOGES:
Good morning.
And what can I do
for you gentlemen?
Oh,
before we answer that,
I wanna prove
we're not gentlemen.
Ow!
Ooh!
Give me my lip, will you?
Ah!
Fooled you, didn't we?
I say, that's amazing.
Now, if you don't mind
explaining...
We're first-class detectives,
inspector.
We came to answer
your ad.
Ad?
Yes. Here it is.
"Wanted,
experienced yardmen.
Apply, Inspector McCormick.
Scotland Yard."
That's you, isn't it?
Yes, but I'm afraid
you don't understand.
[ALL MUMBLING]
Recede.
A-1 Correspondent School
of Detectin'.
Oh, yes.
Mail-order detectives.
I'll give you
your chance.
STOOGES:
Oh, boy!
Your assignment is to locate
some missing papers.
ALL:
Missing papers!
We must locate
the missing papers!
Locate missing papers.
Fine detectives
we turn out to be.
This is humiliatin'!
BOTH:
Oh!
Quit squawking,
you guys.
Don't you know
if we do a good job
they might promote us
to be detectives.
Now, carry on.
Get busy!
Oh!
Ow, ow, ow!
Ooh! Oh!
Oh! I didn't mean it, Moe.
All right,
take it easy, son.
I just want to ask you
a question.
What would you rather have,
a shoe full of dollar bills
or two socks of five?
I'll take the two socks.
You got 'em.
Oh!
Eh! Cheatin' eh?
Now,
get to work on the square.
You two, get up here
and get to work.
Wait a minute,
what are you gonna do?
Yeah, what are you gonna do?
Nothin', what about it?
Oh, just go like this.
Oh!
Get outta here.
Now we got a system.
We'll have this place
spick-and-span in nothing flat.
There's another one.
Now you guys
are really working.
Shut up and get busy.
Trim that hedge.
Well, I guess that's it.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Hey, you nitwit.
We're in a hurry.
Use the big clippers.
I'll see that
Inspector McCormick
gets the message,
thank you.
If there's anymore paper
in this yard, I'll eat it.
Here comes your lunch.
Hey, Shemp. Hey, Larry!
Come here.
Look at this.
"Three operatives, report
to Glenheather Castle at once.
"Sixty miles northwest
of Glasgow.
Must be Scotch.
Instructions on arrival."
Oh, boy.
An assignment.
Yeah,
but "must be Scotch."
Halt, man. Halt, man.
Through these veins flows
some of the finest Scotch
in the world.
I told you we'd get promoted
if we did a good job.
Look at the place.
Clean as a whistle!
So let's blow.
Not bad.
Not good.
Get the bag.
Get the bag.
Get the--
Hey, fellas. Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Look at the size
of this shack.
[SHOUTING]
Train on track four.
All aboard.
What's the matter with you?
This is a castle, you nitwit.
Say, they say there's a lot
of ghosts in castles.
That's a lot of baloney.
There's nothin' in here
to be scared of.
STOOGES:
Agh!
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
The earl will see you now.
This way, please.
Hey, Moe.
Is my slip showing?
No, go on.
Go on, go on.
Come in, lads,
come in.
Well, well,
so you're true Scotsman, are ye?
Hoot, man,
hoot, man.
[SPEAKING IN JIBBERISH]
And today too.
Meet McLarry, McShemp,
and I'm McMoe.
SHEMP: Hiya, mac.
LARRY: Hiya, mac.
MOE:
Glad to mac-meet you.
Lads, my secretary.
Nice to know you, laddies.
A charming bit of thistle down,
if I do say so myself. Aye.
LARRY:
And what might
your name be, lass?
Perhaps you've heard it.
'Tis Lorna Doone.
Hi, Lorna.
How you doin'? Ow.
You must be a bit weary
after your long journey.
Aye.
Aye.
Aye-yi-yi.
Would you like
a wee snifter, there?
Hoot, man!
That we would. That we would.
Yowsa, that's what the man said.
He said "yowsa".
Say, what part of Scotland
are you from?
He's from
southern Scotland.
Below
the McMason-McDixon Line.
McYowsa. That's what--
MacPherson, the scotch broth.
MacPHERSON:
Yes, milord.
Here it is, my lads.
The very best.
Good health to you.
Ahh.
SHEMP:
When he said snifter,
he wasn't kidding.
Have another?
No thanks, I gotta drive.
MacPherson,
lock it up again.
That's 150 years old.
With a little luck,
it should get to be 250.
MacPherson, fetch me the rest
of my correspondents.
Yes, milord.
Aye.
And now, lads, I'll tell you
why I sent for you.
I want you to guard
my valuables tonight,
for I'm off to a gatherin'
of the clans.
Oh, a clan bake, eh? Oh!
You got nothin'
to worry about, earl.
Say, earl, there's
no ghosts here, is there?
No,
'tis only a rumor.
That's a foolish thought.
The taxi is waiting,
your lordship.
One moment, I have some
instructions for these lads.
Beg pardon, sir,
but it's tuppence a minute
for waiting time.
Taxi!
You'll find this
very comfortable
when the cold, clammy wind
howls over the moors
like a lost soul.
Good night.
Good night.
Pleasant dreams.
Oh, if you want anything,
just wail, hm?
[SHIVERING]
Like a lost soul.
Say, fellas.
I ain't tired anymore.
Maybe one of you guys
ought to turn in.
Come on,
get in the bed.
You grab some shuteye
while Shemp and I
go downstairs
and look around. Come on.
Wait a minute, no.
I feel kind of edgy myself.
I ought to take something
for my nerves.
Like what?
A trip home.
Come on, get going.
But, wait a minute,
I am nervous.
Well, if you're so nervous,
grab that gun.
Hurry up. Oh!
Oh, oh,
I didn't mean it, Moe.
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah.
[GROANING]
Next time, be more careful.
Oh, gosh,
I hope nothin' happens.
What kind of talk is that?
What could happen?
Go ahead, tell me,
what could happen?
Nothin', I guess.
Well, then, go ahead, go ahead.
[DOOR CREAKING]
I'd like to see anybody
get something out of here.
There's not a chance
with us around.
[DOOR CREAKING]
[LOUD BANG]
Hey, fellas, cut out
that racket, will you, please?
Yai!
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
Nice-looking
shaving mug.
What do you think
it's worth?
My uncle had a thing
like that once.
Poor, old Uncle Titus.
He's gone now.
Hard-headed
old rascal.
I'll never forget
the first time-- Hello, unc--
Ah!
Oh, what hit me?
What happened? Was I dreamin'?
Oh, a lump. What a dream.
Uh-oh. Wrong door.
Larry, there's somethin'
going on downstairs.
I'm glad I'm up here
where it's safe. Ha-ha.
This little marble
will come in handy.
[YELLS]
Hello.
Oh, hello.
I thought you might be
a wee bit lonesome,
so I brought some cookies.
You like cookies?
Well, that I do.
Especially blond ones.
How about you and me
makin' with the conversation?
Aye.
Oh, me too.
You too?
Aye.
That ought to take care
of any visitors.
Move over.
Look what you did
to the covers.
Quit hoggin' the blankets,
will ya?
You want me
to catch cold?
Say, you ought to
see a dentist.
Why don't you
get to sleep? Ahh!
[YELLING]
Din 'ee a'kin
the Highland fling?
Aye. 'Tis a rumble
with kilts.
[CHUCKLES]
[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER RECORD PLAYER]
[MUFFLED]
Hey, fellas,
open the door, please.
It's Larry. Ah!
Hey, I got the knick-knacks.
'Em in there.
The guy with the big teeth
took 'em.
Ah, you're crazy.
He's right--
Somebody stole our bed!
[BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Ah,
you're a wonderful dancer!
[YELLING]
Operator, get me the police
and get--
Ah!
Hurry up, open that door.
[YELLING]
Oww!
Whoa-oh!
Ohh!
Oh, I'll fix him.
Get away from that door
or I'll shoot.
Get away!
It's him again!
Come here.
Oh! Oh.
We got him.
[BOTH GASP]
I'm sorry, Moe.
We didn't mean it!
You dough-heads.
Ooh! Oh.
[BANGING]
[YELLING]
Ah!
[GROWLING]
Good one, Larry. Attaboy.
[BOTH YELLING]
Hey! Hey, what happened?
Hey, hey.
[MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY]
I got him.
[BOTH GROAN]
Angus!
MacPherson!
You looked better
with it on.
The dame with the swag,
get her!
[GASPS]
Let me go! Let me go!
Lorna,
what's going on here?
No!
My antiques,
my treasures!
Hey! We got
the other two crooks upstairs!
Yeah, Angus and MacPherson
been cleanin' out the place.
The room on the right,
officer.
So that's what
you've been doing, Lorna.
Officer,
take her away.
Lads,
I'm a grateful man,
and it is only fitting
that I reward ye.
Aw, that ain't necessary--
But I will! Come on.
The scotch broth,
lads.
And this time
we'll really drink it,
for you proved
there are no ghosts
in Glenheather Castle.
[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL YELLING]
[GLASS BREAKING]
[♪]
Pardon, inspector.
There are three chaps outside
insisting upon an interview.
Very well, Dawson.
Show them in.
Yes, sir.
[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh, well.
Good morning.
STOOGES:
Good morning.
And what can I do
for you gentlemen?
Oh,
before we answer that,
I wanna prove
we're not gentlemen.
Ow!
Ooh!
Give me my lip, will you?
Ah!
Fooled you, didn't we?
I say, that's amazing.
Now, if you don't mind
explaining...
We're first-class detectives,
inspector.
We came to answer
your ad.
Ad?
Yes. Here it is.
"Wanted,
experienced yardmen.
Apply, Inspector McCormick.
Scotland Yard."
That's you, isn't it?
Yes, but I'm afraid
you don't understand.
[ALL MUMBLING]
Recede.
A-1 Correspondent School
of Detectin'.
Oh, yes.
Mail-order detectives.
I'll give you
your chance.
STOOGES:
Oh, boy!
Your assignment is to locate
some missing papers.
ALL:
Missing papers!
We must locate
the missing papers!
Locate missing papers.
Fine detectives
we turn out to be.
This is humiliatin'!
BOTH:
Oh!
Quit squawking,
you guys.
Don't you know
if we do a good job
they might promote us
to be detectives.
Now, carry on.
Get busy!
Oh!
Ow, ow, ow!
Ooh! Oh!
Oh! I didn't mean it, Moe.
All right,
take it easy, son.
I just want to ask you
a question.
What would you rather have,
a shoe full of dollar bills
or two socks of five?
I'll take the two socks.
You got 'em.
Oh!
Eh! Cheatin' eh?
Now,
get to work on the square.
You two, get up here
and get to work.
Wait a minute,
what are you gonna do?
Yeah, what are you gonna do?
Nothin', what about it?
Oh, just go like this.
Oh!
Get outta here.
Now we got a system.
We'll have this place
spick-and-span in nothing flat.
There's another one.
Now you guys
are really working.
Shut up and get busy.
Trim that hedge.
Well, I guess that's it.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Hey, you nitwit.
We're in a hurry.
Use the big clippers.
I'll see that
Inspector McCormick
gets the message,
thank you.
If there's anymore paper
in this yard, I'll eat it.
Here comes your lunch.
Hey, Shemp. Hey, Larry!
Come here.
Look at this.
"Three operatives, report
to Glenheather Castle at once.
"Sixty miles northwest
of Glasgow.
Must be Scotch.
Instructions on arrival."
Oh, boy.
An assignment.
Yeah,
but "must be Scotch."
Halt, man. Halt, man.
Through these veins flows
some of the finest Scotch
in the world.
I told you we'd get promoted
if we did a good job.
Look at the place.
Clean as a whistle!
So let's blow.
Not bad.
Not good.
Get the bag.
Get the bag.
Get the--
Hey, fellas. Wait for me!
Wait for me!
Look at the size
of this shack.
[SHOUTING]
Train on track four.
All aboard.
What's the matter with you?
This is a castle, you nitwit.
Say, they say there's a lot
of ghosts in castles.
That's a lot of baloney.
There's nothin' in here
to be scared of.
STOOGES:
Agh!
[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
The earl will see you now.
This way, please.
Hey, Moe.
Is my slip showing?
No, go on.
Go on, go on.
Come in, lads,
come in.
Well, well,
so you're true Scotsman, are ye?
Hoot, man,
hoot, man.
[SPEAKING IN JIBBERISH]
And today too.
Meet McLarry, McShemp,
and I'm McMoe.
SHEMP: Hiya, mac.
LARRY: Hiya, mac.
MOE:
Glad to mac-meet you.
Lads, my secretary.
Nice to know you, laddies.
A charming bit of thistle down,
if I do say so myself. Aye.
LARRY:
And what might
your name be, lass?
Perhaps you've heard it.
'Tis Lorna Doone.
Hi, Lorna.
How you doin'? Ow.
You must be a bit weary
after your long journey.
Aye.
Aye.
Aye-yi-yi.
Would you like
a wee snifter, there?
Hoot, man!
That we would. That we would.
Yowsa, that's what the man said.
He said "yowsa".
Say, what part of Scotland
are you from?
He's from
southern Scotland.
Below
the McMason-McDixon Line.
McYowsa. That's what--
MacPherson, the scotch broth.
MacPHERSON:
Yes, milord.
Here it is, my lads.
The very best.
Good health to you.
Ahh.
SHEMP:
When he said snifter,
he wasn't kidding.
Have another?
No thanks, I gotta drive.
MacPherson,
lock it up again.
That's 150 years old.
With a little luck,
it should get to be 250.
MacPherson, fetch me the rest
of my correspondents.
Yes, milord.
Aye.
And now, lads, I'll tell you
why I sent for you.
I want you to guard
my valuables tonight,
for I'm off to a gatherin'
of the clans.
Oh, a clan bake, eh? Oh!
You got nothin'
to worry about, earl.
Say, earl, there's
no ghosts here, is there?
No,
'tis only a rumor.
That's a foolish thought.
The taxi is waiting,
your lordship.
One moment, I have some
instructions for these lads.
Beg pardon, sir,
but it's tuppence a minute
for waiting time.
Taxi!
You'll find this
very comfortable
when the cold, clammy wind
howls over the moors
like a lost soul.
Good night.
Good night.
Pleasant dreams.
Oh, if you want anything,
just wail, hm?
[SHIVERING]
Like a lost soul.
Say, fellas.
I ain't tired anymore.
Maybe one of you guys
ought to turn in.
Come on,
get in the bed.
You grab some shuteye
while Shemp and I
go downstairs
and look around. Come on.
Wait a minute, no.
I feel kind of edgy myself.
I ought to take something
for my nerves.
Like what?
A trip home.
Come on, get going.
But, wait a minute,
I am nervous.
Well, if you're so nervous,
grab that gun.
Hurry up. Oh!
Oh, oh,
I didn't mean it, Moe.
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
Are you all right?
Yeah, yeah.
[GROANING]
Next time, be more careful.
Oh, gosh,
I hope nothin' happens.
What kind of talk is that?
What could happen?
Go ahead, tell me,
what could happen?
Nothin', I guess.
Well, then, go ahead, go ahead.
[DOOR CREAKING]
I'd like to see anybody
get something out of here.
There's not a chance
with us around.
[DOOR CREAKING]
[LOUD BANG]
Hey, fellas, cut out
that racket, will you, please?
Yai!
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
Nice-looking
shaving mug.
What do you think
it's worth?
My uncle had a thing
like that once.
Poor, old Uncle Titus.
He's gone now.
Hard-headed
old rascal.
I'll never forget
the first time-- Hello, unc--
Ah!
Oh, what hit me?
What happened? Was I dreamin'?
Oh, a lump. What a dream.
Uh-oh. Wrong door.
Larry, there's somethin'
going on downstairs.
I'm glad I'm up here
where it's safe. Ha-ha.
This little marble
will come in handy.
[YELLS]
Hello.
Oh, hello.
I thought you might be
a wee bit lonesome,
so I brought some cookies.
You like cookies?
Well, that I do.
Especially blond ones.
How about you and me
makin' with the conversation?
Aye.
Oh, me too.
You too?
Aye.
That ought to take care
of any visitors.
Move over.
Look what you did
to the covers.
Quit hoggin' the blankets,
will ya?
You want me
to catch cold?
Say, you ought to
see a dentist.
Why don't you
get to sleep? Ahh!
[YELLING]
Din 'ee a'kin
the Highland fling?
Aye. 'Tis a rumble
with kilts.
[CHUCKLES]
[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING
OVER RECORD PLAYER]
[MUFFLED]
Hey, fellas,
open the door, please.
It's Larry. Ah!
Hey, I got the knick-knacks.
'Em in there.
The guy with the big teeth
took 'em.
Ah, you're crazy.
He's right--
Somebody stole our bed!
[BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Ah,
you're a wonderful dancer!
[YELLING]
Operator, get me the police
and get--
Ah!
Hurry up, open that door.
[YELLING]
Oww!
Whoa-oh!
Ohh!
Oh, I'll fix him.
Get away from that door
or I'll shoot.
Get away!
It's him again!
Come here.
Oh! Oh.
We got him.
[BOTH GASP]
I'm sorry, Moe.
We didn't mean it!
You dough-heads.
Ooh! Oh.
[BANGING]
[YELLING]
Ah!
[GROWLING]
Good one, Larry. Attaboy.
[BOTH YELLING]
Hey! Hey, what happened?
Hey, hey.
[MUTTERING INCOHERENTLY]
I got him.
[BOTH GROAN]
Angus!
MacPherson!
You looked better
with it on.
The dame with the swag,
get her!
[GASPS]
Let me go! Let me go!
Lorna,
what's going on here?
No!
My antiques,
my treasures!
Hey! We got
the other two crooks upstairs!
Yeah, Angus and MacPherson
been cleanin' out the place.
The room on the right,
officer.
So that's what
you've been doing, Lorna.
Officer,
take her away.
Lads,
I'm a grateful man,
and it is only fitting
that I reward ye.
Aw, that ain't necessary--
But I will! Come on.
The scotch broth,
lads.
And this time
we'll really drink it,
for you proved
there are no ghosts
in Glenheather Castle.
[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL YELLING]
[GLASS BREAKING]
[♪]