The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard (2009) - full transcript

* God bless America again

* You see all the troubles
that she's in

* Wash her pretty face

* Dry her eyes and then... *

She's a real beauty, huh?
Yep, a real beaut.

This car is for you.
Now, let me guess.

The man of the house
needs a second car

so the little lady
can go to the garden club

while he plays gin rummy
with the boys, huh?

Oh. Actually, we need a car
so we can go rock climbing.

Rock climbing?
Why would anybody go climb a rock?



Man, things are changing.

I remember when men were men
and women were gals

and we'd call coloreds,
coloreds.

You know, actually,
I think we're gonna get going.

Hey, come on,
sweetie, don't be a bitch.

Let's talk some numbers here.

Hey, hey, hey, don't talk
to my wife like that.

Hey, boy, I fought in the big war.
I mean, nobody tells me what to do.

You understand?
Hold this.

Oh, my God.

Audie Murphy, motherfucker.

Somebody get Dick Lewiston off the lot.

What's it matter anyways, Mr.
Selleck? No one's selling anything.

It's a damn killing
field out there.



Mr. Selleck,
I think I made a sale.

Terrific. Good job, Teddy.

And he wants to pay in cash,

non-sequential unmarked bills

neatly packed
in this canvas bag.

Well, that's
a bank bag, Teddy.

My eyes. My eyes. My LASIK.

Oh, shit. Somebody
call the cops.

It burns!
Teddy, go flush your eyes out.

I feel like a Smurf
just jizzed in my face.

We got to do something.

I've had this lot 27 years,

and it's dying
right before my eyes.

We either do something
drastic, or we pull the plug.

I'm thinking about calling a hotshot,
a weekend warrior.

I was thinking about
calling a mercenary.

What?

A mercenary?

Hell, Zooha,
I got no choice.

The bank's crawling up my ass
for back payments.

If we don't turn this thing
around by August,

this place is gonna be a TCBY.

But a mercenary?

All they do is sell cars
and move on.

There's no connection
to the community, Ben.

Don't do this.
It hasn't gotten that bad, has it?

Please, God, forgive me
for what I'm about to do.

By the way, great sale.

Hear, hear.

Oh, very good.

Thank you, darling.
I don't know why,

but I can't enjoy breakfast
anywhere but a strip club.

My mom used to always
cook bacon naked.

She would cook bacon
all day long.

Don "The Goods" Ready.
Yes. Yeah.

Mmm-hmm.

You want some cars sold.
We'll be there.

Fourth of July weekend, three-day sale.
We got a dealership in the ICU.

Two hundred and eleven cars
getting suntans on the lot.

Guess what, fellas?
We're going to Temecula.

Oh, fuck, Don.

Honey, we just finished
the last job three hours ago.

I still smell like customer.

Don, I don't mean to complain,

but it's been a year and a half
since I've been home.

And I'm 90 % sure
I left my front door open.

I don't know, Don.
I think we sit this one out.

You've been pushing us
pretty hard since 'Querque.

Forget about 'Querque,
all right?

What do we do? We sell cars.

What does a tiger do?
Hunts and kills prey.

What else are we gonna do
in this life?

I need every swinging dick
in that field.

Babs, come on.
Let's do it.

All right. We are headed
to Temecula, California.

Population 98,000.

It's a family business. Owner,
one Benjamin K. Selleck.

Married 30 years
to wife, Tammy.

One daughter, Ivy, age 29,
looks good in beat-up jeans.

Yes, she does.

One son named Peter, age 10,

loves robot dinosaurs
and pizza night.

Looks like 10-year-old Peter
got a five o'clock shadow.

Yeah, it must be the fax ink.

God bless the Hacienda Court,
but their fax service...

What are you doing, honey?

Enjoying myself.

Oh! Sir, there's no smoking
on airplanes.

I know. It's ridiculous, isn't it?
Don't worry about it, I'll be quick.

Sir, if you light that,
I'll have to report you to the FAA.

Stacey, do you know when the first commercial flight went smokeless?

No.
1973.

And did you know that in 1969,

when smoking was allowed
on all flights,

we put a man on the moon?

I had no idea.

Look.

You know what that is?

That's a remnant of a better time,
but they welded it shut.

And it starts with ashtrays,

and it ends with all of our precious freedoms being stripped away.

Hmm.
I remember back in the day when you got on a plane

and you knew you were in
for a good time.

A little smoking,
a little drinking.

Yeah.
And the stewardesses.

Stacey, you come from a proud tradition of blazing hot stewardesses.

And now you can't
do one damn thing

without someone reporting you to the Department of Homeland Security.

Am I right?
- That's right.

You listen to Don.

I had to take my pants off

and nibble my Old Spice
down to three ounces

just to get on the plane,
Stacey.

They made me throw out
my mouthwash.

I had to give up
my bath jellies.

They made me breastfeed
some old man.

That's what I'm talking about.

But we don't have
to take it, Stacey.

Like Henry David Thoreau
and Rosa Parks

and David Lee Roth
when he left Van Halen,

we can say, "Enough.
Enough injustice."

And when you and I are old and gray,
we can look back on this

and remember when we were 30,000 feet above God's green earth,

and we smoked one,
we smoked one for America.

Yeah.

You motherfucker.

Nice work. Nice work.

Who are you?

I'm Don Ready,
and I got the goods.

This is some killer kush.

Nun pops her head out and says, "Shit.
Guess I got to gargle."

Poor Don.
It's like everything he does is to make him forget about 'Querque.

Takes a lot of pain to sell cars the way that man does.

* I said, "Girl,
what's your name?

* "I heard about you and all your little itty-bitty games" *

You're here from
Selleck Motors?

No, but my dad is.

You're supposed to put the name
of the party you're picking up,

not your own.
I love the drawing, though.

Yeah, I'm a really
good drawer.

I like to draw stomach
muscles the most.

I can also draw Darth Vader's helmet.
I can also draw him.

I can draw a saber,
a lightsaber or a regular sword.

It doesn't even matter.

What the fuck is wrong
with you? Are you drunk?

Are you retarded?
Because we're here to help you.

Don't move. Dad,
Amber Alert! Adult!

Stranger danger!
Stranger danger! Dad!

Here, relax, Peter,
okay? Take a swig.

It looks like it wasn't the fax ink.
He's some sort of man-child.

It's a pituitary problem,
ma'am.

He's 10, in the developing
body of an adult.

I'm sorry, buddy. I am totally sorry.
Put it up here. High five.

Good effort there.
You must be Ben. I'm Don Ready.

That's me.
And this must be Ivy.

Wow! Can I ask you a quick question?
How much does a polar bear weigh?

No idea.
Enough to break the ice.

Don Ready. How are you?
Wow.

Went old-school with you.
Impressive.

I'm Babs. And, yes,
the rug matches the drapes.

And this beautiful man
is Jibby.

Hi.
What's up?

And who is this guy?

Well, you are
a strapping young man.

Brent Gage, sir.

Brent Gage, now that
is a strong name.

I don't know why,
but right off the bat, I like you a lot.

What's going on?

Peter, let's help the crew
with their luggage.

Awesome. Hold this,
Dad. Transformer.

Cute, isn't he?

I'd fuck him.

Hey, what is wrong with you,
lady? He is a child.

We're only gonna be here
for three days,

so try not to fall
in love with me.

I'm sorry, has a girl
ever bought that?

I'm just, you know,
buckshot approach.

I'm just gonna keep firing
till I hit something.

Oh, that's delightful.

So, there was a kid up
the street, Chris Bamberger,

had one of those brand-new,
tricked out Krazy Kruisers.

Side brakes, streamers off
the handle grips.

In other words, fully loaded.

What am I driving?

A fucking Hoppity Hip.

Basically a balloon
with a handle on it.

It might as well have had a bumper sticker on the back that said,

"My parents don't work."

So I walk up to him,
hop up to him. I introduce myself,

and I say,
"You seem like a cool guy."

"Why don't you
have a Hoppity Hip?"

You know? I tell him
it's faster, it's cooler.

It's got the finger-molded hand grip,
double-enforced bouncing axis.

I work this kid like a pro.
Walked him through the brochures.

Offered him
a bubble gum cigarette.

Even threw in some night crawlers to sweeten the deal.

Bottom line is,
this kid was actually happy

to bounce around
on the balloon,

while I rode away on his brand-new,
tricked-out chopper.

I like to think that
was my first sale.

Right over there
is Selleck Motors.

I thought you might
want to take a look.

Jesus, Ben,
looks like a refugee camp for dirty men.

Looks like the bus station
in Total Recall.

We're gonna fix
your place up, Ben.

We're gonna get you
a Creatable Inflatable,

goddamn American flag,
balloons, all that shit.

Plus, we need a radio
and TV blitz,

and we're gonna need to round up a celebrity to make a lot appearance.

I know just who to call.

Now, let's hit
the Hacienda Courts,

or as I like to call it, home.

I mean, I paid for it.
It'd be disrespectful not to masturbate.

All right, let's keep this anonymous.
Don't look at me. Don't look at me.

Don't even...
Don't you look at me.

Yeah!

Dawson's Creek.

James Van Der Beek, my nigger.

Okay, Peter,
it's time to go sit in your big chair.

Now, everybody dig in.
Don't be shy.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Selleck.

I'm one of those rare birds
that prefers takeout

over a home-cooked meal.

Ah!
Well, I got to tell you, Don,

that is flat-out
weird and rude.

But you do what
you need to do.

You know, Mr. Don Ready,
our Ivy here actually left graduate school

to come back and help us out
with little Peter.

Wow.
That's the kind of girl she is.

You can take the girl
out of Temecula, but...

Hey, Brent.

You see my wife over there?

Yeah.

It is a dead marriage.

But, you know,
you learn to live with it.

You drive around, out at night,
windows down, music up.

Some people call it cruising.

Me, I call it looking
for a friend.

Are you my friend, Brent?

No.

So tomorrow morning,

our troops will rendezvous
with your troops at 0700,

and then I'll hit the floor
for my intro speech,

like a mountain lion pouncing
on an unsuspecting jogger.

Ooh!
Make sure your underwear

is tight tomorrow,
because you will have a boner.

Amen.

I like the sound of that.
Right, Brent?

By Tuesday, my friend,
you are back in the black.

Well, hear, hear.

Okay, Mr. Ready,

this business has been in
our family for 40 years,

so no sleazy stuff, okay?

Don't worry about it, darling.
We're not gonna break the rules.

We're just gonna bend them
a little bit.

Okay, okay. I just...
I know your type.

You know, it's all the thrill
of the hunt. I get it.

I mean, you crave it.
You corner it.

But, Mr. Ready,
let me ask you a question.

Do you know what to do
when you catch it?

Are we talking about pussy?

Oh, my stars. You didn't.

That's what she was saying.
- Oh, my goodness!

I'm sorry, I apologize.
I'm a Christian man,

or whatever religion dominates
the region that I'm selling in,

but you have to admit,
it did sound like

she was talking about
the big vajayjay, right?

Didn't it?
- Amen.

I guess it kind of did. Yeah.

Hey, come on, man.

Jibby was a pro bowler
for two years on the tour.

Got a lot of great stories.

Well, what can I say?
It was the go-go '80s,

the height of professional bowling, girls, limos, wristbands.

Ivy, I think you got the wrong impression of me earlier.

I'm a really sensitive
person, all right?

For instance, I'm not a texter.
I'd rather hear your voice, you know.

Hey, everybody,
I'm Ivy's fiance.

Look who's here.

Paxton, such a weird thing to
say when you enter a room.

Well, I'm just letting
everybody know the deal.

Well, I am Paxton Harding
of Harding Imports.

And you must be the guys who are going to save Ben Selleck Motors.

Yeah. That's the idea.

I didn't catch
your name, friend.

That's because I didn't give it to you, friend.

Mmm.
Well, a couple of friends ought to know each other's names, right?

My name's Don Ready.

All right. I guess I won that
little exchange.

You fell for it.

In fact, let me be the first
to tell you guys, good luck.

Everyone at Harding Imports and every dealership in this town

is rooting for you guys.

You got a Harding guarantee
on that. I swear to God.

I'm off to rehearsal.

All right?
I want to give my two ladies a kiss on the cheek.

You are so sweet.

You know, Paxton here

is in one of those popular bands
in Temecula,

Balls Out.

No, Big Ups.
Big Ups. Sorry.

Either way.

Big Ups is the name
of the band.

It's me and Ricky
and Jason, and we...

You know, we sing about life
and love and passion,

and I'm not gonna lie to you,
we have some pretty sick dance moves.

Are you in a boy band?

No, I'm in a man band.

We're all over 30,
we call it a man band.

You're men in a boy band.

We opened for O-Town,
right here in Temecula, okay?

Google it.
No.

Google it.
No.

Why wouldn't you google it?
I just told you to google it.

Google "Big Ups."
You know, I googled it.

It said you fucking blow.

That was O-Town's website.

You know what?
I'm rising above this.

While you guys are yukking it up,
I'm gonna go rehearse with Big Ups.

Ricky and Jason are
in the car. Let's go.

All right, bye-bye.
See you all tomorrow.

Man, that dude
is garbage.

What a jerk.

Who wants a big
hunk of this meat, hmm?

Hey, guys.

A couple guys came in here
earlier looking for Vanessa,

and I got a little bit of bad news for you,
Vanessa is dead.

Here's Radio Moscow.

It's funny, I haven't been in
Temecula in, what, 23 years.

Last time I was here,

I spent two straight days
in a Hacienda Courts

with the third runner-up
to Miss Temecula.

Never saw her again.

Hey, what do you make
of this Selleck guy?

I got to be honest with you,

have you noticed him saying
overtly sexual things to me?

Touching me?

I haven't.

Oh! That is disgusting.

But don't get me wrong,
I have an erection.

Babs?
Mmm-hmm.

Can I tell you a deep,
dark secret

I ain't never
told anyone before?

Baby, I really would rather
you not. I'm tired.

I'm 42 years old,

and I ain't never, ever
made love to a woman.

You're a virgin?

Hell, no.
Oh.

No, I've been with hundreds
of women,

maybe thousands.

I just ain't never really
ever made love to a woman.

You know, I've done
three ways, four ways,

menage a trois,
menage cinq, six.

I've 69ed, 89ed, 114ed.

Golden, diamond and platinum
showers. I like that.

I mean, I've ripped shit up.

Done all that.

But I ain't never, ever
made love to a woman.

You will, Jibby.

As long as we're being honest,

I've something I want
to share with you.

I think I want to make love
to a 10-year-old boy.

What?

But he's in the body
of a 30-year-old man,

so who's to blame?

You the adult.
Right.

You'd be the one to blame.

Hey, Babs. Hey, Jibby.

Hey, Don, there are three
hot dancers over there.

I think they might
be good for the sale.

Yeah, sign them up. Good energy,
make the customers happy.

Hey, guys, get those food
orders in quickly,

'cause in 25 minutes the kitchen is rented out for a porno shoot.

Are you disgusted? I am.

Book the DJ.

You sure, Don? I just thought
after 'Querque...

Hey. 'Querque was 'Querque.
This is this.

It's time for all of us to move
on, all right?

And it starts
with booking that DJ.

Where is he?
I even wore my tight underwear for the boner speech.

Just relax, honey.
He's getting ready.

As for the underwear,
I think it was just an expression.

Look, I may be old-fashioned,

but the man says,
"Wear your boner pants,"

I wear my boner pants.

You can do this.
You are a winner.

Don Ready has
the heart of a champion.

I'm a fucking stallion.

I should be owned by a
goddamn Middle Eastern sheikh.

There's almost no doubt you invented the phrase,
"It's all good."

In the schoolyard, a Don Ready
is a euphemism for a hard-on.

All right, fellas,
everybody gather around.

Now, you all know the deal.
Over the next few days,

Don Ready and his team
will be overseeing sales.

Basically, they will be
your boss for the weekend.

Now, I trust them. And if you trust them,
together we will sell cars.

You were the first person
to wear a Von Dutch trucker hat.

I really regret that.

As well you should.

Mmm. Look at my husband.
Looks like he's got a Don Ready.

Give me a minute.

I'm Babs Merrick.
I'm gonna tell you people a little story.

A story about a girl who grew up in the worst part of the South Bronx.

Well, one day,
this little girl fell in love with a boxer named Winston.

But their love was
too good to last,

and one day, the Vice Lords
came a-calling,

saying, "Winston,
it's time to take a dive."

Coroner found two bullets
in his heart.

One of them was meant
for this little girl.

* It's a hard world, mama
You got to push on through

* 'Cause life in the ghetto *

Well, everyone told this little girl to shut her mouth and go away.

But she didn't do that.

She made sure every single one of those pieces of human trash

looked her straight
in the eye

before she pulled the trigger
on that platinum .357 Magnum.

Jose!

Pop!

Ramon! Pop! Pop! Pop!

* It ain't easy *

I got to tell
you people, on TV,

they don't show the dead man
when the poop leaves the butt.

Make no mistake, gentlemen,

when you die, poop
leaves your butt.

Man. That is a dark story.

I know. I made it up.
Have a great sale, everybody.

What?
Great sale.

* It ain't easy *

It ain't easy.
I'm Brent Gage.

They call me The Magician.
I am a wizard with numbers.

I have never, never lost
a sale to bad credit.

Quick story. A couple years ago,
MC Hammer, remember him?

He was in bankruptcy,
living on the street,

sleeping in the left leg
of his Hammer pants.

The next day,

I financed that man a car,
no questions asked.

Hammer lived in that car
for the next year and a half.

So you guys are
just taking over?

With your cool nicknames
and your confidence?

I mean, how are we
supposed to feel?

Yeah, what about our sales?
Our commissions?

It's all good.

I'm Don "The Goods" Ready.

Everyone here told you
their story. Here's mine.

I have hair on my balls
and I sell cars. The end.

All right. Today,
tomorrow, Monday.

It's July 4th weekend, everybody,
and we're going to war, all right?

When you guys are
deep in the shit,

I want you to think about the real heroes of this Independence Day.

The Revolutionary War soldier who had his gangrene foot sawed off,

with nothing to numb the pain
except a shot of whiskey

and that guy with the weird headband playing the flute.

What about Private Jones, huh?
Seventeen-year-old soldier.

Got his guts shot out in a 'Nam rice paddy.
All right?

Dick here knows
what I'm talking about.

He's talking about freedom,
you fucking queers!

Don't even get me started
on Pearl Harbor.

Our Navy boys out there enjoying the bright Hawaiian sun,

when all of a sudden,
here comes the Japs flying in low and fast.

This dealership is our battlefield.
Don't give up the fight.

We are the Americans,
and they are the enemy. Never again.

Never again.

Never again!

Never again! Never again!

Never again!
Let's get him!

Eat my shit!

Dad, don't you think
you should step in?

No, he can take it.
He's squirrelly.

Stop! All right, stop!

Everyone, calm down!
Put him down, Jibby.

Okay, we have all just

participated in a hate crime.

Was it a hate crime
or a freedom crime?

All right, everyone, just calm
down. Bottom line,

we have all just committed
a federal offense.

Which means that G-men are gonna be crawling all over this lot.

Let's get our story straight.

Dang came at us
with a samurai sword,

fire extinguisher,
and Chinese throwing stars.

Yeah.
That seems plausible.

No, I did not.
No, I did not. I...

We got to get a sword
and get his prints on it.

There was no weaponry
of any kind!

Okay, Dang, how about this?

You get first dibs
on customer ups.

In return, you agree to forget
all about

being the victim
of a hate crime.

Okay.

That's it, Dang.
That's the guy we love.

Thank you, Mr. Selleck.
I'm really sorry.

I'm not even Japanese.
I'm Korean.

Korean? Why didn't you say so?

On that note,
let's man those battle stations, everybody, all right?

Never again.

We got one hour. Let's get this
place in shape.

Really simple, boys. If you take this six,
you flip it, that's the price.

You know what you
can do with this?

You can take this and turn it into that if you want.

You've taken $3,000 off this car.
It's back down to your original price.

Zooha, to sell you must...

Confine, confuse, conflict.

Nice! Teddy Dang,
to close, you must...

Lie, loan, leave.

Nice. Mr. Dick Lewiston?

Go fuck yourself,
you bald-headed son of a bitch.

I've seen more hair on bacon.

Good enough.

Wow, you must be
the girls from the strip club.

Yes. Heather.
Hey, Heather. How are you?

Your job is to greet people,

get them in the buying mood,
okay?

I have an idea.
Sure.

Since it's July 4th,
I thought it'd be good

to talk to the customers
about how this government

has been cutting
benefits for veterans.

Let me guess,
you are dancing to pay for

your Masters
in Political Science.

Yes. How did you know?
I don't know.

Stripper stories,
they usually come in three,

college student,
single mom, cokehead.

What's your son's name?

I'm kidding. I don't even know
what I'm saying. I'm bananas.

You guys are
doing an amazing job.

Sapphire, wipe
your nose. God.

All right, we gonna be selling
some cars today.

And tomorrow, you know who
we got coming in? I do.

American Idol's very own Bo
Bice's brother is coming down.

Yes. Eric Bice will be right
here, rocking the stage.

Hey, DJ. This place
is about to pop.

Why don't you throw on
some Charlie Daniels?

Good call.

* Tits
* You know I love it

* Girl, won't you
let me touch it?

* Tits
* Put 'em in my face

* Bounce 'em to the bass *

Nobody tells DJ Request
what to play.

Let them tell you what to play,
they lose respect for you.

They lose respect for you,
you lose control.

Not today.

All right.

You want to thumb wrestle?

Yeah, I'm awesome.

Oh! You won.
I totally beat you.

Oh, what are you
gonna do to me now?

What?

You better spank
me or something.

Babs! He's 10.

Ten and a half.

Do you hear that, Ready?
Ten and a half.

Brent. Those are my kids.

Yeah. And probably a good reason
you're not selling.

What are you talking about?

Zooha, let's face it.
You've got husky kids.

I know it, you know it,

and every Chuck E. Cheese
in a 50-mile radius knows it.

You know who doesn't need
to know it? The customer.

I don't understand.

Look, you put up
a picture of skinny kids.

Customer thinks, "Oh, my lord,
this guy needs the commission.

"He's got to feed
those hungry mouths."

Oh! Okay. I get it. I get it.

Should I take down
the picture of my wife?

No, that's your closer.

Fat kids, customer hates you.
Fat wife, customer pities you.

Shit, Zooha.
That's the best fat wife I've seen in four or five years.

Can I have a copy of it?

Nice balloons.

Wow, that line must have knocked them dead in the frat house.

Come on, I'm just trying
to have some fun.

So, you pumped
for the big day?

Yeah, it should be great.

They say you sell some cars.
Let's see you sell some cars.

No, no, I'm not talking about the sale.
I'm talking about your wedding.

Excited to spend the next 60 years of your life with...

Paxton?
Paxton.

BMW boy band Paxton.
Seems like a super guy.

Oh, now, now.

All right, what about you?
You have any relationships

that last longer
than a lap dance?

Have you seen what these
girls do these days?

I mean,
we are living in the golden age of lap dances.

Wow, that has got
to be tiring.

No.
You don't want a home life?

You don't want to live for somebody other than yourself?

No time. I'm on the road
51.5 weeks a year,

and I like myself a lot.
I'm having a blast.

You know what?
I don't believe you.

Look at them.

They're like crazy
boat people. I love it.

Give away free hot dogs and put up an inflatable gorilla,

shit's gonna go down.

I feel exactly like I did before I landed on Iwo Jima,
I swear to God.

There's no difference at all.

Attaboy, Teddy.
Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Sell these bastard cars!
Sell the metal.

Sell the metal.
Sell the metal.

Sell the metal.
Sell the metal.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Welcome to Selleck Motors.
Let's get you in a car.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi. Welcome to Selleck Motors.

Yes, sir.

Welcome to Selleck Motors.

* I'm the friendly stranger
in the black sedan

* Won't you hop
inside my car?

* Got pictures, got candy
I'm a loveable man

* Take you to
the nearest star

Thanks so much.

* I'll take you anywhere
you want to go

* I'm your vehicle, woman *

What's wrong with her?
What's her name?

Stephanie.

Hey,
little Stephanie.

You're amazing.
What did you say to her?

Shut the fuck up.

Why don't we get you

into one of these minivans?

Zooha!

* Well, if you want to be
a movie star

* I'm gonna take you
to Hollywood

* But if you want to stay
just like you are... *

You feel it?
Yeah.

I call it the divine rush.

Money for cars. Salesmen putting
themselves on the line.

Capitalism, it's my high.

I haven't seen the lot like this since I brought in the Bandit Car.

You know, rumor is that
that car is one of the cars

that was in
Smokey and the Bandit.

That weekend this
place was hopping.

I was thinking we should get
that out of here, you know.

It's bad for business.

No, that car
is a collector's car.

That's worth $200,000,
won't take a cent less.

But in this Auto Lister,
they have the same exact car for $1,000 less.

Wow. What a great deal.

Excuse me, can I see that?
Sure.

My, my.

If you can get this
car for 1,000 less,

you should definitely buy.

In fact, let me call.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Hello?

Hi, I'm calling about the car
you have advertised.

Can we get a drink?

No, I don't want
to go for a drink.

Yeah, I can put you in my truck.
We can drive around.

You can see how it handles.

Maybe go to the reservoir.

Excuse me? I...
Put the lotion in the basket.

Put the lotion in
the fucking basket.

Oh, my God.

See, I try to tell
women all the time.

Auto Lister's like MySpace
for serial killers.

I don't want to see another
one of these on this lot.

I think I'll just take
this car right over here.

Okay, here's the deal, Gary.
I know the stereotype.

I'm a woman, got a luscious
body, provocative clothes.

I'm gonna use
sex to sell cars.

You know what's gonna sell this
car? Price, nothing else.

I mean, I like men.

I like men a lot.

I can't believe I'm doing this.
Do you know what I love?

I love women.

Yeah?
Oh!

I mean, I'm talking me, an Asian chick,
and a schoolteacher in a shower.

Oh, yeah.

Get all soapy
together and so wet.

And you know what? Maybe like
a construction lady comes in,

like, you know,
like I can't even tell if she's hot or not.

Okay.
But then she says,

"Looks like I could
do some work here."

And she takes off her hat.

It falls down. Sure.

And then you guys come over and
all three of you undress her.

Yeah. Hey, hey, guess what?
Yeah. What?

I'm next door. Yeah, 'cause
I'm the superintendent,

and I'm working on like paperwork,
like doing people's checks, I'm like...

Yeah. "What is that noise?"
Like, "That's weird.

"There's not supposed
to be anybody next door."

"Hey, who's in there?"
And I just hear, "Oh, oh."

I listen by the door for a while,
then I open it up, I'm like, "Hello?"

I still can't see the steam.

Ahhh! I'm so scared. Who is it?

"Hey, you're not supposed
to be in here."

Can I give you
something to say?

Yeah.
Say this, say, say,

"Hey, I knew something was
missing in this apartment,

"a big cock."

"I knew something was missing in this apartment,
a big cock."

And we're fucking,
and then someone else goes, "Oh, yeah..."

Fuck. I just thought
of something, man.

What?
How are you gonna get there?

I'm right next door, remember?
I'm just gonna walk over.

No, man, this is miles
and miles away, man.

You got to get there soon!

I'm, like, managing
a bunch of properties?

Yes!
Oh...

How are you... It's across town.
How are you gonna get there?

I don't know. I don't have a car.
I gotta get a bus...

No, man, you got to
fucking take this car.

Yes. I am gonna buy this car.
It's a good car, right?

No.
I don't give a shit.

Go see the dudes in the back!

Run, man! Run!
I'm gonna go buy this car.

In your country, they would cut
your hands off

because you're
stealing from us.

You guys have got an amazing deal,
I can't believe it.

Mom! Mom!

Yeah!

How we doing?

Kicking ass.

I was worried earlier, but we're
gonna have a great day.

Check out that Blake kid.
He's on fire.

Yeah, I noticed.

Wasn't that your move?

Well, mine ended with the
two-gun salute to heaven,

but it's damn close.

You remember when I told you
I partied with that beauty queen

23 years ago in Temecula?

I didn't put a hat
on my jimmy.

Jesus, Don. You don't think
Blake's your son, do you?

I'll tell you what,
why don't you guys go to finance

and I'll meet you there,
all right?

Okay.

That's impressive, Blake.
You're a natural.

Spend a lot of time growing up
around dealerships?

No, but my mom always said
that I had it in my blood.

I remember this
one time as a kid,

I traded my crappy Huffy bike
to this kid down the block

for his brand-new
shiny Schwinn.

No shit.
No shit, Don.

Hey, was your old man around a lot when you were growing up?

No. He took off
before I was born.

I'm gonna go back
to the sale, Don.

Blake, how old are you?

Twenty-two.

Hey, kid. Don.

Remember that guy that
wanted the Explorer?

Here's what I got him to do.

Buy his own house
from himself for $1,

which means nothing,
but to the bank...

Don.

Hey.
What's going on?

Good job. Huh?

What'd I do, Don?

Fuck you, I don't need
your validation.

Look at that number.
Seventy-one cars sold.

I am looking at some real
salesmen out here. Good work.

Yeah, we've actually sold 34 %
of the inventory.

Wow! I'm proud of you.

And, by the way,

congrats, whoever pulled off
a Nigerian buyback,

haven't seen that in years.

That was me. You can suck it.

What's a Nigerian buyback?

Guy takes a customer's
trade-in, then 20 minutes later,

sells it right back to said
customer at a mark-up.

And we're looking at
an even better day tomorrow.

Bo Bice's brother coming
in here to sing some tunes.

Shut up. Eric Bice?
The very same.

So, I think we do
a little celebrating.

And after a hot first day,
there's only one way to do it. 'Okie.

What?
- What's 'okie?

Tell them about it, Dick.

He's talking about karaoke,

you fucking queers.

God damn, Dick knows what
I'm talking about.

Let's go. Let's get into it.

Nice job, everybody.

I've been watching
you out there, girl.

Your moves are probably
responsible for 10 sales.

Well, any individual who pursues his or her own self interest

actually promotes the interest of society as a whole.

It's all trade, baby.
That's what makes the world go 'round.

That's funny.
I always thought love made the world go 'round.

See you.

Love.

Boy, you should be proud.

You took a rag-tag bunch of losers and
turned them into first-rate salesmen.

That's what I do, Ben.

Hello, Ben.

Hello, Stu.

Looks like you guys
had a heck of a day.

Hey, Paxton, Lance Bass
called. He said he...

Fucking forget it.

Yeah, like he would
have your number.

Hey, Lance Bass never
opened for O-Town.

My boy did.
You can google it.

Yeah, I told them that already, Dad.
They refused to google it.

Huh.

Well, let me cut to the chase
for you here, Ben.

My boy Paxton's band, Big Ups,
they're really starting to click,

and we're running out of rehearsal space over at Harding Imports.

So Paxton had a good idea.

He said why not make
an offer on your lot,

nice price, before
the bank gets it?

That way, Paxton's out
front selling Beemers,

then he runs around the back,
makes gold records.

What do you think?
Oh, I don't know, Stu.

We had a pretty
good day here.

We had an outstanding day.

Don't be all humble, Ben.
Come on.

All right, hold it, Don.

Give us a couple minutes
alone, will you?

You got it, Ben.

You too, Paxton.

Hey, you know,
even if Ben doesn't sell,

we're gonna get this place
for pennies on the dollar

when he goes B-rupt.
Really?

You're gonna screw over
your future father-in-law?

It's called business,
Don. Okay?

And besides, I would do anything
to take Big Ups worldwide.

So, Ivy isn't enough for you?

You have a crush on my fiancee.
That is rich!

Here's the deal, old-timer.
Get over it.

Here is why I'm not
threatened by that at all.

A, I have a beautiful car.

Yeah.

B, I have a $44 haircut.

Right.
Yeah, and C,

I have slick threads. Yeah.

Men's Wearhouse.
I like the way I look.

Right.
I'm Temecula's newest hard-on.

A, it looks like you just
snapped into a Slim Jim.

B, your suit looks
like it was...

I'm glad we could work
all this out, Ben.

Work what out?

Well, Don,
it's time I start thinking about my future grandkids.

I sold the lot to Stu.

He made me a real good offer.
Thank you for your support,

and you'll be paid
for the whole four days.

But we're pulling the plug.

Can we get all of their stuff
out of here, pronto?

We want to rehearse
here tonight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on. Hold on a second.

What about family?
What about history?

What if we save this lot?

What if I could guarantee you

that I could sell
every car off this lot?

Ben, that's foolish.
You don't even know this guy.

Look at him.
He's a gun for hire, a tramp.

Don, we're talking
about over 140 cars.

Sure, it'd help the lot,
but that's impossible.

All right.
Look, either I sell every car on this lot,

or I leave Temecula and get out
of the game for good.

Doesn't move me at all.

And you get Brent Gage
for the night.

Sorry, Stu, but the deal's off,
at least till I see how this thing pans out.

Okay.

You know, since you're
almost family, Ben,

here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna save you a job
on my lot,

after the bank
forecloses on yours.

Damn it.
Why are they standing in the way of my dreams, Daddy?

Look it, here's the deal.

Call your TV guy.

Tell him we got to cut
some new spots right away.

I have a script
for you, never fails.

* More than words

* Is all you have to
do to make it real *

Wait, now, so,

he offered to pay us off
and we could leave town flush.

And you said no.

Yep.

Motherfucker.
Hey, chill, chill!

Come on, man, calm down.
It's Don.

He wouldn't do it if he didn't
have a good reason.

And then I told Ben that if we
don't sell all the cars

that he could have
Brent for the night.

Motherfucker...
- All right. All right.

Jibby, handle him.
Calm down. Calm down now.

All right, here's
the scenario, all right?

Tomorrow, I'm gonna sell
an assload of cars.

And I suggest
you gentlemen do likewise.

What the hell we gonna do?

Why don't we chill
a little bit, Jibs?

Just chill. Okay, it's cool.

Don said we got TV spots
tomorrow, right?

Bice is hitting town.
We're gonna pull this off.

I'm gonna hit you
with a little Seger.

Superbad, eyes up here,
let's focus.

This one goes out to Blake.

It's about a boy, the son of a man,
a mother's child.

Let's get him a tissue,
'cause it's about to get raw.

What the fuck is wrong
with that guy?

* On a long and
lonesome highway

* East of Omaha *

Okay, I got to ask you
a question.

Does Don
know what he's doing?

I've seen that man
say a lot of crap

just to sell cars
and move out of town.

But this time,
he really means it.

Truth be told,

he ain't been the same
since 'Querque.

'Querque?

The Duke City.

A-Town. Captain Kirk.

Albuquerque.
Oh!

Who calls it Captain Kirk?

I don't know.

We lost a good
man down there.

Oh, he quit?
Died.

From a car sale?
Hell, yes.

The rest of us come to terms.
Don's still fighting it.

Wow.

Only Jeff Robins wasn't
looking,

so I pegged
him in the head.

What is it?

It's really a fun juice.

Okay.

Okay. Just don't
tell your dad.

You know what else
is really fun?

Going to a motel
and wrestling.

I love wrestling.

I can get you into
a figure four leg-lock.

Like this. You know,
your legs'll be all tied up.

Sold.

You'd be screaming.
That sounds fantastic.

Okay.

Are you good at
keeping secrets?

Absolutely.

'Cause I've got
a present for you.

Secret present outside,
by the dumpster.

Is it a baseball mitt?

Fits you like a baseball mitt,

like a glove, I hope.

Is it new or is it old?

It will be new for you.

All right, that means
I'm gonna have to break it in.

Yep.
I'm gonna have to break it in.

I'll put a ball in there,
and I'll tie it off.

Right.

And then I'll put lotions
and oil on it,

and I'll sleep
with it under my pillow.

Yeah. That was Turn the Page
by Bob Seger.

I'm Don Ready.
Good night.

So listen, let's meet outside
by the dumpster...

Hey, it's 11:30,
closing time.

Oh, man.

I got to go home.
No. No.

No, I got to go home,
put my pajamas on, and I got to shave.

I know, but, Peter, before
we do this, we'll just...

We can wrestle later.

No. In fact, I'm gonna...

Waitress, can we get
another whiskey sour?

Just for the road, and a...
We're closed.

...paper cup, please. God damn
it! Just one more drink.

I'll cut off your tits
with a knife, you bitch!

Babs, listen, I like the energy.
Let's play through.

Party back at
the Hacienda Courts.

Everyone's welcome. No guys.

* If you want to go far
Put yourself in a kicking car

* At Selleck Motors *

I started Selleck Motors
almost 40 years ago,

and I've had a good run here at my dealership,
and in life.

But now I'm dying, Temecula.
I got cancer of the nads.

But before I die,
I want to see one last big Fourth of July blowout.

So, my family and I are asking you to come on down to Selleck Motors

and buy one final car from us
before I'm dead.

Oh! Looks like the chemo is kicking in,
so you better hurry.

Jesus, Ben,
why didn't you tell me?

Daddy.

It's just a commercial,
Peter.

And, Brent, my privates
are fine, I swear to God.

Good for you, Ben.

It's gonna work, Ben.
It's gonna work like gangbusters.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Okay, if you don't like the car,
then go buy a truck, cheapskates!

Every day, it's a gay safari.
Give me the balloon back. Piece of shit.

Thank you. We appreciate this.
I'm so sorry.

If there's anything
I can do...

It's such a tragedy.
Tammy's so brave.

Hey, Don. I'm not sure
this is working.

I mean, people clearly care about me and all,
but we're not selling cars.

Stay positive, Ben.

We're gonna hit this hard until 3:00.
When Bice gets here,

he's gonna take
it over the top.

Hey.

Can you bring the mood up?

You know, play something good?
Like Y.M.C.A. by the Village People.

You read my mind.

Just out of curiosity,
what time do you get down from there?

Every day they will test you.
Every day they will push you to the brink.

You must fight them,
DJ. Fight them.

I'm gonna do something
that I don't do.

I'm gonna throw in some free floor mats,
all right?

Now hold on. Hold...

Jesus.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don! What's going on?
You know what?

If you would've
told me 10 years ago

that I were to hit the wall in
a three-day sale in Temecula...

You're hitting the wall now?
Well, yeah.

Let me ask you something.
What do you think this means?

I had this dream.
I was just saying...

Yo! Hey!

...you know, "Listen,
Don, you're a..."

Ivy, let's go.

We got lunch with my mom in,
like, two seconds.

Be right there.
We got to hurry.

She'll be drunk in
about 15, so giddy-up.

Don, what happened
in Albuquerque?

Nothing. Nothing happened.

You kidding? It was...

Listen, go have a great lunch
with... With your fiance.

Time to hit the road.

Hey, Don Ready, looks like
you had a rough day.

It's okay, sometimes it
happens in the auto trade.

If you suck.

Hold on.

You got to admit, dude,
that was a good exit line.

Right? I got a better one.
Yeah.

Hey, Don Ready,
I'll see you in I-Don't-Know-How- To-Sell-Cars-Ville.

Yeah, that one,
granted, not as good,

but that's 'cause I won't be
in that town. Fucker.

Damn it. Psych. Psych.
I just psyched you out.

I'm going that way,
so fuck you.

All right, people.

Eric Brice!

We got Eric Bice, brother of Bo Bice,
coming up in the next five minutes.

You might want to sit
in one of our cars...

Hell of a turnout for Bice.

This day's starting
to look up, huh?

We need it. We're getting
killed out there today.

Don, we got problems,
big problems.

What's up?

Bice isn't showing.
What?

His booking agent said
he's got adult chickenpox.

But he gave me
some other options.

The mascot for the San Jose
Sharks hockey team.

He'll show, but he can't
wear the Shark suit.

What's this I'm hearing
about Bice?

He motherfucked us.
He motherfucked us like a pro.

I'm going on.
- What?

I'm going on.
No, wait, Don, be careful.

I'm getting a real sketchy
vibe from this crowd.

Ivy, don't you see?
This is everything.

I get to sing, which sells more cars,
which helps your family.

Plus, my son gets to see the old man come through in the clutch.

What son?

Eric Bice! Eric Bice!

Hey, everyone!

I'm Don Ready.
I'm a car salesman.

This is gonna go well.

Yeah. Now, unfortunately,

Eric Bice has adult chickenpox,
but I'm gonna be filling in for him.

Drop it!

* Just take those old
records off the shelf

* I'll sit and listen
to them by myself

He's no Bice! He's no Bice!

Yeah, I should've said something.
Don's a bad singer.

* I want that old
time rock and roll *

Fuck you!

Aren't you people tired
of being screwed over?

Then let's fucking riot!

Hold up a minute!

Get him!

Stop it!

Hey... Hello! Hey, guys!

Mr. Selleck, we got to get
you out of here. Come on.

We got to hide, Brent.
We'll be safe in my room.

Hold up a minute!

Hold on! I got a big show!

This does not look good
for you, Uncle Sam.

Oh!

And concussion.

Don't mess with him!
That kid's got retard strength!

Dork!

See.

Who the fuck
brought alligators?

I never thought I'd say this,
but thank God the police are here.

Welcome, police.

Come on, let's lock up
some white people.

Y'all are all retarded.

Hello?

This day
is completely shot.

Can you believe
these animals?

What the hell's happening
to this country?

What are you talking about,
Dick? You started it.

You remember? Cops gave you
a ticket for inciting a riot.

You old goat.

This is horrible.
Let's face it. It's over.

Ow!
It's not over. Over?

When is the last time that
there were that many cameras

on this lot, huh?

We got five hours left
in this day, okay?

Now, I intend to sell
some cars, all right?

Now, get in here.
Let's go over some talking points. Come on.

* Baby, if you are true

* I'll keep doing it

* Doing it,
right there, to you

* Doing it

* Doing it

* Doing it

* Doing it to you *

Julio, pick up line nine.
Julio, line nine.

You know, look, guys,
the big problem here?

We need a bigger
rehearsal space.

Not a problem. Here's why.

Huge riot down at
Selleck Motors.

The place
is going down in flames.

We're taking it over.

It is the new Big Ups
rehearsal space.

Are you serious?
Yeah.

We're gonna...
We're gonna take it over.

Pardon me, boys.

Some bad news from Selleck Motors.
Look at this.

Listen, people get
excited over used cars,

and, occasionally,
they'll punch and burn things.

Now, some call that a riot.

Me? I call it excitement
over the low, low prices

down here at
Ben Selleck Motors.

The police are
the real heroes.

And because of that,
we're offering

20 % off and 0 % financing

to any police officer that comes down,
anyone with a police hat,

anyone that says
the word "police."

This Don Ready is like the rash between my balls and thigh.

And if you find an alligator
in your car, $500 off!

Congratulations, Officer.

You see that, Ben? Just like that,
we're back in business.

Motherfucker,
I ring the bell.

The reason that
the Japanese outsell us

is because they make
more fuel-efficient vehicles

while Detroit insists on
pushing gas-guzzling SUVs.

God damn, girl,
you turning me on.

Would it be improper of me to ask you out for a drink tonight?

I don't know, Jibby.
I've been hurt before.

Well, my problem is I ain't never allowed myself to be hurt.

I'm trying to be
more vulnerable.

Well, you're an
honest man, Jibby,

and honesty is the first step
to being vulnerable.

You can pick me up at 9:00.

Hey, Don.
Hey, Jibs.

What's with
the shit-eating grin?

For the first
time in my life,

I have a chance
to make love to a woman.

Love.

I'm glad we found
the right car for you.

Hey, Blake, you ready?

For what?

A little catch.

You know, I'm starting to think
that maybe Ivy was right,

maybe it's time
for old Don Ready

to settle down and plant some roots in this crazy old world.

Great.

I mean, I've been on the move
for so long

that I've
never taken time to stop

and to hug the people that
are important in my life.

And, Blake,
don't ever think that you're not important. All right?

Great.

You ever think
about your daddy?

No.

I mean, who wants to think about
some piece of shit

that gets a woman pregnant
and then takes off?

You know, I'm not bitter.
I did fine without him.

He's probably out
there with no family,

nothing real to hold onto.

Can you imagine how meaningless
life must be

for a prick like that?

What a douche.

Hey.
Hey.

I cannot believe this riot
actually helped.

You are insane.

You know, I'm gonna be
sorry to see you go.

Well, Ivy, goodbyes are
an occupational hazard.

Okay, wow.

I don't know what's
going on with you.

You are hot, you are cold.

One minute you're happy,
then you're snapping at me.

I mean...

What happened in Albuquerque?

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

Come on, what? You can trust me.
Just let your guard down.

McDermott was my best friend

and the greatest car-sale DJ
anyone's ever seen.

Damn it, it shouldn't have
gone down like that!

I was all wrapped up with this woman.
It wasn't gonna work.

I knew that. Blah, blah, blah.
I was trying to impress her.

We had already sold a bunch
of cars that weekend,

but I wanted to
take it over the top.

So, I thought, hey, let's put a
few bucks into it, you know?

Get a good crowd in there.
We'd airdrop McDermott in, dressed as Abe Lincoln.

He would float in and say...

I freed the slaves,
now I'm gonna free

those cars from the slavery
of high prices!

We had a bunch of great
lines for him to say.

Hey, just like
John Wilkes Booth,

our prices are gonna sneak up
behind you

and blow your brains out!

When I asked him, he didn't even
blink. He just did it.

Thanks, buddy. This is the
thrill of a lifetime!

Drop zone! Drop zone!

Me, I was on the ground
with Mrs. Talero.

We planned to meet
in the back of a Taurus.

That is so good.
My husband never does that to me anymore. Oh, yes.

She had me pack a bag
of sexual accoutrements.

Basic shit, you know,
rubbers, lube, dildos.

Weirder stuff. Executioners' masks,
French ticklers.

Yeah! Take me away!

The only problem was
I took the wrong bag.

Whoo!

Fuck! Don gave me
the wrong bag!

I can only imagine
what was going through

McDermott's head as
he fell to his death.

Got to try to get away
from this dildo!

The regrets
he must've had.

Most people who are
in this situation,

their life flashes before their eyes and they go through a list of regrets!

For the next 45 seconds,
I want to go through the list of things I've done right!

Number one,
full-length back tattoo of the Hawaiian Punch guy!

10 % real fruit juice,
motherfuckers!

He had a huge heart,
but, my God, was he stupid.

Number three,
had my wisdom teeth put back into my skull!

Christ, the dildo's back!

I'm gonna get into an aerodynamic tuck
and use the dildo to cushion my fall!

I killed my best friend.

I wish I could say I didn't think it would end this way!

But I got to tell you,
I always knew it would!

Falling to my death, dressed as Abe Lincoln,
holding a big, purple dildo!

This is how I drew it up.

Huh?
Next thing I know,

it's raining dildos.

Had I just been focused on the sale,
it wouldn't have gone down like that.

Now it's all happening again,
with you and Blake.

I'm losing who I am
and my focus.

You think that riot was an accident?
No, no, no.

It happened because I lost my focus.
That was damn good Seger.

And now I'm falling for you. Yeah, no,
not again. I'm not gonna do that.

Wait, Don, come on, don't go.

I'm gonna go sell some cars,
Mrs. Harding.

"Z."

Seven.

Hey, guys.
Brent.

I have to say something.

I think Don might
think I'm his son.

Now, I've met my dad.
He lives in Louisiana.

I just wasn't raised by him.

Don's going through a lot
of big changes in his life,

and right now you might be
the rock he's holding onto.

Are you saying I should
pretend to be his son?

Because, Brent,
that's fucked up.

Is it? Or is it fucked down?

Look, Don Ready would make
a damn good father to you,

and right now,
I don't see a lot of guys lining up for the job.

Think about that.
And while you're at it,

you think about why
your dad left you.

Come in here and blame Don.
That's pathetic.

It's about 20 minutes
on the down side of 9:00

here at Selleck Motors.
I hope you're curled up

with your best girl,
making music together

in between the sheets.

Look at this. You know, everyone's gone,
so you can shut it down. Thank you.

Looks like that's
gonna do it for me.

Good night, sweet Temecula.

May all your loves
be tender...

Seriously!
Shut it the fuck down!

Thank you.

See, I don't do what I'm told.

I'm what's called contrarian,
all right?

I hate... Aw!

You gonna turn the lights off on me?
Like that's gonna scare me?

I don't give a fuck!

I'm homeless, motherfuckers!

* It ain't no use to sit
and wonder why, babe

* It don't matter, anyhow

* It ain't no use to sit
and wonder why, babe *

Wow! Hey...

Come on in.

Shouldn't you be at home
with Bell Biv DeVoe

writing personalized
vows or some shit?

Don, I'm here.
Don't make me change my mind.

Yo, we're Temecula's number-one pop sensation.

* Big Ups! *
* Big Ups! *

And we're gonna
be kicking it live,

right here at Harding Imports
tomorrow,

so come on down!
Congrats again on that. Yeah.

Thanks.

You want to turn it off?
He needs to see this.

* With lease-to-own options
and a full-service garage *

We're gonna make love.

Love.

Love.

Love.

Head & Shoulders?

How'd you know?

My uncle uses it.

We're actually making love.

I'm making love.

We're making love.

You know what nobody ever told me about making love?

What?

How boring it is.

Yeah.

You can do anything you want.
My safe word is "blueberry pancakes."

Okay.

Let's have sex in every
corner of this room.

Okay.

I fucked up.
I should've got a bigger room.

That's okay.

I have points and
I didn't use them.

Continental breakfast in bed.

Hacienda Courts style.

Wow.

You know why this is
the best breakfast?

Why?
Bear claws, crullers,

prison-size orange juice.
Mmm!

You know, I actually
feel bad for Paxton.

I didn't mean to come in
and split you guys up,

but engagements are
made to be broken.

Um...

Don, I'm not leaving Paxton.

What?

You don't love him.

Well, now, that's
not necessarily true.

And, you know,
I'm almost 30 years old.

I mean, what am I supposed
to do, you know?

I want things,

and I want a family,
and Paxton wants those things, too.

I mean, look,
nobody dreams of buying an '88 Lynx station wagon,

but we sold one
yesterday, right?

And the people who
bought it, bought it

because buying
a 2007 Land Rover

wasn't an option for them.

So, what are my options, Don?

What about us? What about giving
us a chance? I mean...

Where, in the Hacienda Courts
in Boise?

Or how about the Hacienda
Courts in Wichita?

'Cause if things
go really well,

we could raise our kids in the
Hacienda Courts in Muskogee.

What did you even
come here for?

Because I wanted
one last fling.

And I know you're not
gonna stick around.

So, you're just gonna have sex
with me and then leave?

This hurts!

Guess this is what women
mean when they say,

"So you're just gonna have sex
with me and leave? This hurts."

I'm sorry.

Something that I want is being
taken away from me,

and I don't like it!
I don't like it!

This is exactly how
I felt after 'Querque!

Screw everybody!

The only thing that I trust
in this world is cars!

Come on, Don!

Come on!

What's going on?
Don!

Don's never been late
for the last day of a sale.

Don's gone, and you
did not see me here.

Okay.

Well, did he go
to the lot?

I don't know. He kind of just
freaked out and left.

'Querque all over again.

Fucking 'Querque.

He's gone.

Looked everywhere,
called the cops.

No one knows where he is.

I'm sorry, fellas,
I apologize from all of us.

No. Hold on.

You guys did your best.

I mean, it was an uphill battle
from the beginning, right?

But, hey! We still
sold some cars, right?

We still sold some cars!

Might as well dust
off the old resume.

Hey, wait just a minute.

I practically built
this dealership myself,

and I remember a day when
we wouldn't hang our heads

or talk about
closing the lot.

A customer would walk in here
and this place would pop!

There you go, Ben.

And having Don "The Goods" Ready
here for three days

made me remember why I became a car salesman in the first place.

Mr. Selleck's right.

We can do this. Don has taught
us all something.

He knew more about us than
we knew about ourselves.

Yeah.

You know,
I never much cared for Jews,

queers or fucking Eskimos,

but that's just
the way I was brought up.

Is that it?

Yeah. That's it.

I just wanted to
put that out there.

I thought we were
opening up here!

Guys. We can sell these cars.

There you go!

Ready has carried
us this far.

Well, I say we start
carrying our own weight.

So let's get out there and sell the metal!
Who's with me?

We are!
We are!

I'm with you! Listen to him!
We are! We are!

We are! We are! We are!

We are! We are! We are!
We are! We are! We are!

You don't even
know this guy.

Look at him.
He's a gun for hire, a tramp.

He's probably out there with no family,
nothing real to hold onto.

And I know you're not
gonna stick around.

James Van Der Beek,
my nigger.

Well, if it isn't
Don goddamn fucking Ready.

Holy fuck. McDermott?

* He has returned

* He is McDermott *

Oh, my God!

I been waiting a long time

to set the record straight
with you, man.

* He's setting the record
straight, motherfucker *

I trusted you, Don.
I trusted that what we were doing was bigger than all of us.

But it turns out,
all you wanted to do was get your ball sack played with

by some woman
with bad credit.

* It's an age-old tale

* His trust was
betrayed by tang *

Balls and wiener.

They let angels out of heaven
to cuss at people?

Yeah, of course. That's
what's going down, dipshit.

* Fuck you, Don Ready,
fuck your family *

I don't get it, McDermott.
Man, you used to be so easygoing and...

Yeah, I was. I was easy breezy.
And then, guess what?

I fell out of a plane and hit the ground,
and I didn't bounce.

But you know what did bounce?
My butthole through my face.

* Geronimo, splat

* Displaced anus *

I'm so sorry, McDermott.

I need your help, man.
I feel so empty.

Don't you get it, Don?
This is where all the cars we sell end up.

It's not about the cars.
It's about the team

and finding people
you love. That's it.

What do I do?

You know what to do.

Get off the road, man. I mean,
after 35, it just looks pathetic.

* While we're on the subject You're too old for a Facebook page *

I'm sorry, McDermott.

It's okay, man.

I'll see you in 28 years.
That's when you're gonna die.

* August 19, 2036 *

How am I gonna die?

Choking on a sausage patty
at a strip club.

Is there any way they could sing it?
'Cause it sounds sad.

No, it's not very lyrical,
and it is sad. So, no.

A little bit? A little...
No.

We talked about it

in the heaven spaceship
that brought us here.

We got to jump.
Change your ways.

No, no.

See you, Don.

Oh, my God, Ivy and the team,
they need me.

They need me right now.
Need me.

Thank you, McDermott!

Get them out of the back lot
and into the front!

Let's go, let's go!

I think you guys are gonna really like this car.
It's a good fit.

Good news. My finance guy
says it's gonna work.

Are you serious?

Zooha!

It's all Don.
You understand?

All of it.

* You looked all right before

* Fox on the run

* You screamed and everybody
comes a-running

* Take a run
and hide yourself away

* Foxy on the run *

Oh!

Retard!

I love you.

I've got some things I need to make right on the ground!

I'm doing this for
my friend McDermott!

He died,
and I'm jumping for him!

Makes all the sense
in the world!

One, two, three! Jump!

You got yourself
a good deal there.

Pop the clutch!
Pop the clutch!

We did it. We sold every
last car on the lot.

Man, I wish Don
was here to see this.

Hey, look, everyone!
It's Superman!

I want to come down right at Selleck Motors,
all right?

Got it.
All right.

Where are the cars?

Wait a minute! Is that Don?

Look out! Run! Run!

Watch your head, team!
Coming in hot.

Hey, Jibby,
where are all the cars?

Don, we did it.
We sold every single one of them.

You're shitting me.
That's fantastic!

They all stepped up.
- Unbelievable.

I'm proud of you guys,
all of you!

We couldn't have done it without you,
Mr. Ready.

You taught us all
to stand on our own.

Your time here has been rich
and filled with wisdom.

I don't know what to say.

Why not start
with the truth, Don?

Well, the truth is,
you sons of bitches saved Selleck Motors!

Fuck you, Don Ready!

You didn't sell all the cars.
You lose. You're losers.

What are you talking about?
All the cars are gone. Lot stays with the Sellecks.

Come on, Stu, a deal's a deal.
We sold all the cars on the lot.

Nobody sold the Bandit Car.
Rules are rules. The lot's mine.

The Bandit Car?

Don said every
car on the lot.

Bandit Car's a car
and it's on the lot.

Hold on a second.
That thing is a prop.

Don, that is not a prop.
That is a $200,000 automobile.

This is good.

Is this the great Don Ready

complaining about how hard
it is to sell a car?

Did you hear that, everybody?
Did you hear that?

Maybe he's not so great.
Maybe he sucks!

So, I guess you lose!

Ben, you lose the lot.
Don, you have to skip town.

Right, everybody?

You know, Paxton,
I been doing a lot of thinking these past few days.

About what, asshole?

Dreams.

About how we either,
you know...

We either cherish them or let them die on the vine.
Uh-huh.

What'd you want to be
when you were a kid?

Me, I wanted to be
a ref in the WNBA.

You know, 'cause I like women
and I like basketball.

Can you get off my back?

You want to do this one on your own?
Yeah, thanks, man.

I get that.
Okay, you guys do your thing. Uh-huh.

What'd you dream
about, Paxton?

Music. Music's been my passion

ever since I fell in love
with the classics.

Now, when you say classics,
what do you mean?

Well, it's a pretty short
list. You got your 'N Sync.

You got your 98 Degrees,
your Boyz II Men.

And then pretty much
the Backstreet Boys

came along and revolutionized
music as a whole.

Hello!
What about O-Town?

That was the best
night of my life.

See, I haven't had the best
night of my life yet.

Someday though, huh?

All personal crap aside, I hear
Big Ups is pretty damn good.

Come on, who said that?

People talk.

Is he doing
what I think he's doing?

No way.

If he moves that car,
I'll eat my own pussy.

Attagirl.

Thirty-two years
in the business

and I've never seen this,
a dealer-to-dealer lot sale.

This is suicide.

Come on, Don,
stay focused.

Let me ask you
something, man.

You ever think about just
dropping everything

and going for it?

I'm not talking about
setting up some studio

in the back of a car lot.
I'm talking about you,

Ricky and Jason
living the life, man,

and putting yourselves
on the line on a daily basis.

Wait. What are you doing?

Picture this, Paxton.

Big Ups touring
the Florida Panhandle, right?

Gainesville, sold out.

Pensacola, sold out. Right?

And now it's Panama Beach.

Lights go down,

and all you can
hear is 7,500 girls

screaming at the top
of their lungs, right?

And the bass,
it starts pumping.

Pump, pump, pump, pump.

The girls start jumping.
Jump, jump, jump.

Ricky and Jason, they hit the stage.
Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance.

What happens next, Paxton?

I don't know. What?

An engine roars to life.

What?
I mean, just fucking roars!

Who rises from
beneath the stage?

Who?
Jesus.

The guy with the best hair
in the business.

Paxton Harding!
Yeah.

In the goddamn Bandit Car...

What?
T-top, golden eagle on the hood.

And the word is,
it's one of only five used in the movie.

And the girls, they love it.
And you want to know why?

Yeah. 'Cause we're good.

You're goddamn right,
you're good.

You, my friend, are a full-blown
rock star in that car.

Holy shit.
He might have him.

I feel like I'm watching
a wonder of nature,

like a blue whale giving birth

or a pig going down
on a hyena.

You know, Paxton,

a man much wiser than myself
once said that

most men lead lives
of quiet desperation.

Now, do not silence Big Ups
before the girls,

nay,

the world, has heard
the first verse.

Pump, pump.

Pump, pump.

Pump, pump.

How much for the Trans Am?

200 grand. I'll give it
to you for 80.

No payments till January.
I'll take it!

He did it!

Who just got 80 grand
for that prop, huh?

* Big Ups! *
* Big Ups! *

This is the new band car!

Yeah!

Get it down!

Hey, Brent,
we would've had a wonderful weekend up at that cabin, huh?

You know what? I'm gonna fucking
knock you out.

You already have.

Basically, I have to
carpe diem here, Ivy.

See you!

Well, it's official.
I am single.

I'm sorry, Ivy.
I was just selling a car.

Are you?
Are you really sorry, Don?

Okay, you got me,
I'm not sorry. You know what?

Paxton and the Bandit Car
were just parked on the spot

where I intend to
plant some roots.

You hear that, team?
What?

What, honey?

Cutting up
the Hacienda Court card.

Yep. I'm settling in Temecula.

Don!
Yep.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about friends and family,

and I decided that
I can't care for them

as much on the road,
so I'm settling here.

Speaking of family,
where's Blake?

Right here, Don.

Come here, Son.

Now, your father,

he can't do anything about
the past, but I'll tell you

I can guarantee you I will always be there for you in the future,
all right?

Don, I'm like a foot
taller than you.

Hug your father.

Come here, Son. There we go.

Thanks, Dad. Daddy.

I love it. As far as the beautiful Ivy Selleck is concerned,
she's it for me.

She's the one.

That was just
a one-night stand, buddy.

No, no, you're my woman.

That's my son.
Don't overthink it.

Now, if someone went
and made a beer run,

I think we'd have everything we need for a goddamn kickass party.

DJ! Play We Are Family
by Sister Sledge!

Drop it!
Finally!

Somebody hit the nail
on the head.

That's
what I'm talking about.

That is a perfect song.

What the fuck?

I warned you over and over
again

not to tell me
how to do my job.

You brought this on yourself.
Are you happy?

Just play a good song!

You got it, friend!

Hey, McDermott, we did it.
A happy ending!

Yeah, if you call selling cars
in Temecula a happy ending.

* Temecula is not
even motherfucking Fresno *

Well, I'm gonna
make the most of it.

Ivy Selleck, come here.

* So caught up in you,
little girl

* And I never did
suspect a thing

* So caught up in you,
little girl

* That I never want
to get myself free

* And, baby, it's true,
you're the one who caught me

* Baby, you taught me
how good it could be

* It took so long to
change my mind

* I thought that love
was a game

* I played around enough
to find

* No two are ever the same

* You made me realize
the love I missed

* So hot
Love I couldn't quite resist

* When it's right,
the light just comes shining through

* So caught up in you,
little girl

* You're the one that's got me down on my knees

* So caught up in you,
little girl

* That I never want
to get myself free

* And, baby, it's true,
you're the... *

* When he walks
through the door

* Reads a room
like a mall dick

* He's got a pimp walk
and a gangster lean

* Ripping up shit
like Chang Kai-shek

* And one thing I know, baby

* I'll tell you for sure

* He's got the goods, baby

* He's got the goods

* He's got the goods, baby

* Hey, hey
He's got the goods

* Got a Hyundai for the valet

* A Hyundai for the bartender

* Every bill is crisp
and sweet

* This cat ain't no pretender

* And one thing
I'll tell you, baby

* And one thing for sure

* He's got the goods, baby

* He's got the goods

* He's got the goods, baby

* Oh, Lord,
he's got the goods

* Whoa, a life
of turning pages

* Alimony and garnished wages

* And Greyhound bound
Oh, yeah

* She hits the door
and he starts to pop

* He's got the goods, baby

* He's got the goods

* He's got the goods, baby

* Oh, Lord,
he's got the goods

* He can sell a priest
a rubber and the farmers corn

* Went soul from some attitude
before he was born

* He's got the goods
from your mama

* He's got the girl in a cage

* Looking mighty fine
Loving in a rage

* He's got the goods, baby
Ha!

* He's got the goods

* Oh, he's got the goods, baby

* Yeah, he's got the goods

* Uh-huh

* One thing I tell you, baby

* One thing's for sure

* He's got the goods *

* Hey, Ma, you've been
straight tripping lately

* All blowing on my phone

* So Ricky the Rick, Jay-Jay,
Paxton are here to set the record straight

* Baby, don't you
sweat my love

* We go together
like hand and glove

* But if you ever
leave my side

* You know I'm taking back
my pimped out ride

* But, baby, if you are true

* I'll keep doin' it, oh

* Doin' it, right there,
to you

* Doin' it, doin' it, doin' it

* Doin' it to you *

* I grab hold of you
and you grind your hips

* Do it on top,
then we do it from behind

* Sometimes we like
to use some ice

* Baby, don't you think
that it's time?

* Let's make a baby,
but do it real slow

* Let's make a baby
You know it feels so good

* Let's make a baby, tonight

* Oh, tonight,
tonight, tonight

* Let's make a baby
* Let's make a baby

* And do it real slow

* Let's make a baby
* Let's make a baby

* You know it feels so good

* Let's make a baby

* Can you help me make a baby?

* Let's make a baby

* Oh, can you help me?

* Let's make a baby *

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.

You don't want to know what
happened in 'Querque.

Actually, I do.