The Goldwyn Follies (1938) - full transcript

Oliver, darling,
they're laughing.

It's your death scene.

They're laughing at
your death scene.

I don't believe it.

I even cried when I did it.

Yes, I'm crying now.

That must be where you take
another drink of the poison.

Mr. Manager, what's
wrong with that audience?

It's not the
audience, Mr. Merlin.

How do you do, Miss Samara.

It's not the audience?



I am afraid it's the
picture, Mr. Merlin.

They don't believe it.
- What?

It's the same trouble you
had with the last picture you

produced, Mr. Merlin.

There's something missing,
the human touch or something--

I don't know what.

Ah, but wait till you
see our next picture.

It is wonderful!

I hope so.

He hopes so.

Hazel, the movies!

All the way from Hollywood!

They're taking pictures
down by the lake.

Come on.
Let's go.



Oh, I saw the one they
made down there last year.

It wasn't very good.

Ooh, look-- actors!

Oh come on, Hazel.

We're all ready
for you, Miss Samara.

OLGA SAMARA: Coming.

My coat.

Coat.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Who's that?

The leading man.

Mr. Roland, Miss Samara.

How do you do?

CREW 1: Hurry up
with that crane.

Well, I don't
want him up there.

I want him here.
- Yes, of course.

Will you please step
right down here?

- A pillow.
- Yes, a pillow.

Yes, sir.
That's fine.

Pillow.

Hello, Oliver darling.

Hello.

Now, Miss Samara,
about this scene--

Mr. Lawrence, please.

I want to know this.

Do I love him here?

Yes and no.

You love him, but he's promised
you a career as a great dancer.

You're loving him and
dreaming of this career

while you're saying
goodbye to your little home

in Switzerland.

I see.

I love him, and I love myself.

All right.
We'll make it.

Stand by.
CREW 2: Clear out.

CREW 3: Speed.

Start your action!

Oh, darling, I've
dreamed of love so great

that I would be swept away.

You love me like that?

Yes.

My home, my little Alps
mean nothing to me.

Oh, darling.

OLGA SAMARA: You
have brought me love.

And tomorrow, you
will bring me fame.

Then you'll come with me?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, Igor, don't leave me
here or my heart will break,

break, (EMOTIONALLY) break.

Cut.

Print that.

Now we move in
for the close-ups.

Let me have my finder.

Where are the stand-ins?

HAZEL DAWES: Wasn't that awful?

She's very pretty.

Yes, if she
were an international

spy who steals the papers.

What papers?

Oh, any papers-- plans for
the new navy or something.

But she's supposed
to be a country girl.

You know what?

ADA: What?

I don't think any
of those people,

the actors, or the director,
or anybody, ever were in love.

They certainly would know better
than to carry on like that.

ADA: Some author
wrote the words.

HAZEL DAWES: Oh, I bet he
wasn't ever in love either.

Come on.

Let's go get a soda before
we begin acting like them.

I think he's awfully handsome.

Yes, but what kind
of talk is that?

"Oh, Igor, my heart will
break, break, break."

Sounded all right to me.

Strawberry sundae, and
sprinkle some aspirin on it.

Aspirin?

Aspirin.

You don't think much of the
movie they're making, do you?

It's probably the author.

No, I'm not the author.

That manuscript was
found in a bottle.

Well, you can
return the bottle

and get your two cents back.

Ada.

Why do you think it's bad?

Well, it wasn't bad.

It was just kind of crazy.

It wasn't like life.

Are you connected with
the picture in any way?

Sort of.

I'm the producer.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

My name is Merlin,
Oliver Merlin.

What's your name?

Hazel Dawes.

Oh, I'm sorry if
I sounded fresh.

I guess I ought to mind
my own business, but--

well, I thought everything
sounded so unreal.

Unreal, eh?

I hope I haven't made you mad.

Maybe it'll be a wonderful movie
when it's done, if-- if only--

If only what?

Well, if only it could
be simple and human.

That's amazing.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, and you're hired.

Hired?

Now listen, I hope that
you won't misunderstand

me if I talk to you man to man.

You won't, will you?

No, I won't.

I'm a producer of movies.

I can buy wagonloads of
poets and dramatists,

but I can't buy common sense.

I cannot buy humanity.

Well, I don't know
why, Mr. Merlin.

There's an awful lot of it.

Yes, I know.

But the moment I
buy it, it turns

into something else,
usually genius,

and it isn't worth a dime.

Now, if you could stay
just as simple as you are,

you would be invaluable to me.

Invaluable?

Me?

Well, what do you say?

About what?

About coming back
to Hollywood with me.

Hollywood?

Oh, why, I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Well, because I
can't act or write.

Well, I don't know anything.

Really-- nothing at all.

That statement alone makes
you unique and invaluable.

Please, Mr. Merlin.

Why, I'm not even
a stenographer.

My dear Ms. Dawes, I
have all the stenographers

a great executive can crave.

There's only one thing I like,
and that's a sense of humanity.

You've made me realize
what my pictures need.

Now, come along with me.

I'll put you on my staff.

I'll give you a title--

"Miss Humanity."

Don't rush.

You can finish your
ice cream soda.

WOMAN: Got a light?
- Yes.

SECRETARY: Hello.

Call back, please.

Mr. Crane is busy.

I'm sorry you'll have to wait.

Hello.

Call back, please.

Mr. Crane is busy.

Hello.

No, Mr. Crane's in conference.

You'll have to call later.

Mr. Crane said he
wanted to see me.

I'm sorry.
You'll have to wait.

Mr. Crane can't be disturbed.

He's very busy.

Oh, B, did you love
me at first sight too?

Yes, dear.

And will you always love me?

Yes, dear.

And will you get
me in pictures?

Yes, dear.

Basil.

Yes, dear.

OLIVER MERLIN (OVER
INTERCOM): What?

I mean, oh, yes, uh,
uh, yes, Mr. Merlin.

What are you doing?

Just wrestling with
a casting problem.

Well, drop it for a moment.

Yes, sir?

I want you to dig me up
a nice innocent young woman

and rent me a simple
innocent little house

away from the studio.

That's a heap of innocence
on such short notice.

What sort of innocence did you
prefer, Mr. Merlin-- blond,

brunette, or a little of each?

Ah, don't be fresh.

I want a young woman to
act as chaperone to someone

I just brought to Hollywood.

I get it.

Well, then, get busy.

Glory, from now on,
you're a chaperone.

A what?

A chaperone.

Come with me.

I'll get you an advance
from the cashier.

Yoo-hoo!

That's the first advance you've
made that's really touched me.

No, you'll have to wait.

No, no, too busy, too busy.

Everybody out.

No more casting today.

I want this room
cleared when I get back.

Well, that's that.
Come on.

Let's get going.

Oh well, now,
come, come, come.

Don't be silly.
- What do you mean?

Well, you've got to
show a little fight here.

But you heard
what the man said.

Are you going to listen
to him or what I say?

Now, stick around.

Well now, perhaps
you're right.

Yeah.

After all, I--

I feel that I have something.

Of course you have.

I know they'd hire me if they
could see that English picture

I made at Twickenham on Rye.

Yeah, very good ham--

uh, picture.

Yes.

Remember that romantic
episode with Dolores?

Remember it?

The papers are full of it.

No, no, no.

I mean in the picture.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, and that didn't
help you any either.

Yeah.

Well, at least I
have one big scene--

that moment when I
said to Dolores, "Just

one good night kiss, my dear."

What?

Just one good night kiss?

Are you kidding?

I was never more
serious in my life.

Well, you must be mad.

It's out of the question.
- Listen--

No, no, no, no.

Listen, please, just one kiss.

No.

A thousand times nay.

But why?

Oh, you won't respect me.

Yes, I will.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

I promise.

Oh, you're hurting me.

Please?

Can't we just be chums?

No.

Must we go through
all this again?

I'm afraid so.

Oh!

No, no, no.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll hate myself in the morning.

Oh.

All right, come on.

Let's get going.

Why waste our talent
here on four walls?

Yeah.

Well, you can go if you wanna.

I'm gonna stick.

You are?

All right then.

I'll stick with you.

After all, I can't desert a pal.

(LAUGHING) No.

Well, that's pretty good.

I thought you'd see it that way.

You're no fool.

Now-- now, when this Mr.
Basily, when he comes in, see,

uh, we'll use tact.

I see.

Watch me.

Hello, nosebleed.

Who said that?

Uh, come out of
there, you coward.

There must be a
ventriloquist around here.

I told you no
more casting today.

Isn't he a
silly-looking fellow?

- What's that?

Say, would you mind
not breathing on me?

I'm getting covered
with soot here.

Why, you
hickory-headed heckler.

Go on.
Get out of here.

Say, wait a minute.

The producer said he
wanted me in this picture.

He said that?

Yes, he did.

- When did you see him?
- Well, I was in his off--

- Are you sure he said that?

- Well, did he?

Uh-- no.

Yeah.

But he might have.

Listen, you fugitive
from a picket fence,

now I will throw you out.

- Say, you can't call me that.
- OK.

I'll flip you, so help me.

I'll mow you down.

Now, hold me back now.

You hold me back.

You-- you-- you mouse-head, you.

Look me in the
face and say that.

He's got me there.

I can't bear to face him.

What's that last crack?

Say, this looks
like a three-alarm,

if I'm any judge of fire.

Oh, I'm too big a man
to bandy words with you.

Take that echo out of here.

I know who's doing the talking.

Well, what are you
looking at me for, then?

Oh, fiddle-faddle.

He fiddle-faddled
all over me, didn't he?

Well, my dear, I've been
in Hollywood a long time,

and nothing ever startles me.

I just say, that's Hollywood.

But when Mr. Crane
tells me to chaperone

the boss's stenographer,
I'm startled like a fawn.

Well, I'm not a
stenographer, really.

Oh, then that
clears up the mystery.

I'm not startled anymore.

Well, I think
you misunderstand.

It-- it's sort of, um,
a mental arrangement.

Oh, I see--

brain buddies.

Well, I'm supposed to
criticize Mr. Merlin.

Well, I wouldn't take that
side of the job too seriously.

Always remember it's
the smile that wins.

Well, I don't blame you
for being baffled, Miss Wood.

It is sort of strange, my being
in Hollywood and everything.

Oh, there's nothing
baffling about it.

You're Little Bo Peep
and I'm Mother Goose.

And free rent is free rent.

Are you ready, Miss Humanity?

I'll be right down.

Hey, was he calling you?

Yes, that's his name for me.

Oh, you better be careful.

That name will look kind
of funny in the newspapers.

Oh, I've been dying
to see the studio

and meet some of the
actors and people.

Oh, you have, eh?

Well, you're not
going to meet anybody.

Actors are beautiful, charming
people but dangerous to talk

to off the stage.

But Glory's an actress.

I know.

But my casting director assures
me that she's different.

Well, here we are.
Come on.

Get under a blanket.

Come on, quick!

- Get him off me.
- Take it easy.

Take it easy.
- Get him off.

Lie down.

Stand up!
RITZ BROTHER 1: Retreat!

RITZ BROTHER 2: Do something.
RITZ BROTHER 3: Lie down.

- Stand up.
- Stand still.

- Advance.
- Retreat!

Roll over.
Roll over.

Do you hear me?

Get that truck out of there.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Who owns this outfit?

RITZ BROTHERS:

Well, get out.

Get out of here!

What do you mean by bringing
this infernal racket

into my studio?
RITZ BROTHERS: Your studio?

Go away.

You're bothering us.

Wait a minute.

It's Merlin.

- Merlin?
- Merlin?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why, Mr. Merlin,
how do you do?

Glad to see you.

Glad to see you.

Mr. Merlin, we'd like to
address you in our animals.

You're producing "The
Forgotten Dance," aren't you?

Yes.

Well, forget it.

The thing to
remember is animals.

And when you think of
animals, think of us.

Now get this
thing out of my way.

I'm producing a love
story, not a circus.

My pictures have
class and beauty.

Beauty!
- Wait a minute.

Just a moment--

Mr. Merlin, use our beasts
to make your pictures

a howling success.

Who do you think
sold MGM the lion?

RITZ BROTHERS: We did.

And who sold 20th
Century the Fox?

RITZ BROTHERS: We did.

And who sold
Path the rooster?

RITZ BROTHERS: We did.

And who do you think
went into the jungle

to bring him back alive?

- Who?
- Who?

- Who?
- Did we?

Listen, I'm getting--

Now, you butt out of this.

Now, I--
- Wait a minute.

Oh, just a moment.

Now, listen-- take this
portable zoo out of here.

I don't use animals.

I use actors.
RITZ BROTHERS: Actors!

Yes, sir!

Oh, Mr. Merlin, what
do men and women spend

millions of dollars betting on?
RITZ BROTHERS: Horses.

And what does every
woman keep in her kitchen?

RITZ BROTHERS: A pussycat.

And what is man's best friend?

RITZ BROTHERS: A dog.

And what do children cry for?

RITZ BROTHERS:

No, animal crackers.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I don't want any animals.

I don't need any animals.
And you--

ALL: --fellas can't
sell me any animals.

Wait a minute.

Just take Homer and
his squad.

He played in
"Home on the Range."

"Home Sweet Home."

Give him the bird.

No, this bird.

And--

--the Pecking Penguin.

She pecks, and pecks,
and pecks, and pecks.

But I don't want any penguins.

- And take Dino the Duck.
- I told you.

I don't want any animals.
- Be quiet, friend.

- Police!
- monkey.

- Police!
- There they are.

Police!

Get this animal off
of me here, somebody.

Get him off, boys.
Come on.

--over here.

RITZ BROTHERS: Whoa!

Whoa!

Get 'em out of here!

Hey, stop that man!

Steer around and
go in the back gate.

Yes, sir.

Is Hollywood always
as crazy as this?

Yesterday it was midgets.

Did you get those fellows?

ALL: Yes, sir.

Ho, ho!

Hoo, hoo!

All ready, Mr. Lawrence.

I want another rehearsal
before we start to shoot.

- All right.
- All right.

Now, this is just a
rehearsal, no cameras.

Oh, I'm terribly excited.

What am I going to see?

Do you know the story
of "Romeo and Juliet?"

Sort of.

This is a dance number
based on that idea.

Romeo loves Juliet.

But his family
likes jazz dancing,

and her family likes
ballet dancing.

It develops into a competition.

Well, who wins?

Well, that's what
I want you to decide.

Well, I can't decide that.

All I know is what I like.

Well, so much the better.

There are 200 million people
who only know what they like.

And they're all
sitting up here on

this balcony with their mouths
open and their eyes shining.

Now, if you like it,
you nod your head.

And that will be 200
million people nodding.

That's an awfully big nod.

Well, did you forget to nod?

Oh, it's wonderful, but--

do they die like that?

Well, it has always
ended that way.

Oh, I didn't know
Romeo and Juliet died.

I'm awfully sorry.

Well, what would
you want them to do?

Why, I'd want them to
get up, and their parents

to come in and forgive them,
and be married afterwards,

and be happy.

It's amazing.

No one ever thought of that
finish for "Romeo and Juliet."

Well, why not?

If 200 million people want
Romeo and Juliet to live,

I won't be stubborn.

Now, come on.

Get out of sight.

Uh, Mr. Murphy.

Uh, yes, Mr. Merlin.

I want to change the ending.

Change the ending?

I want the lovers
to stand up and dance.

I want the parents to come out.

I want everybody dancing.

I want the hearts of the world
beating with love and triumph.

Now, come on.

Hurry up.

Let's see it.

Yes?

You were lovely,
Olga, marvelous.

And I'm keeping the ballet in
the picture with a new ending.

See you later.

Oliver, wait a minute.

Uh, terribly sorry.

Can't do this tonight.

Thank you for dancing
so beautifully.

Darling, please.

You don't take me out anymore.

And I'm so hungry.

Tomorrow, Olga, lunch-- vodka,
caviar, champagne, anything.

You are wonderful.

Oliver, let me look at you.

You have changed.

What has happened to you?

Oh, an amazing thing, Olga.

For the first time in my life,
I'm beginning to appreciate

the simple human things.

Do you understand what I mean?

Understand?

Of course, because I am
simple and human myself.

All right.

Annette!

ANNETTE: Oui, mademoiselle.

I am tired.

Tired-- you understand?

Oui, mademoiselle.

Fill my bath with whipped cream.

ANNETTE: Oui, mademoiselle.

Now, let's go
over the plot again.

You're a talented and
ambitious country girl.

A man comes along,
takes you to Venice,

fills you full of
promises and hopes,

and then leaves you
for an opera singer.

So you take up with a gigolo.

But I wouldn't do that.

But he's a nice gigolo.

He plays the accordion.

Why does he play
the accordion?

Well, because the actor that
I've engaged for the part's

an accordion player.

And I thought it would be a
good idea if he played it.

Well, I wouldn't
go with a gigolo

no matter how well he
played the accordion.

You wouldn't, eh?

No.

I'd rather meet somebody
nice that I could really

fall in love with,
because, well, to me,

love is more
important than fame.

It's amazing.

Uh, Granite 1121.

Maybe you'd flirt with a
gigolo just to avenge yourself.

How about that?
- Why, no.

That would be silly.

It would hurt me more
than it would him.

The villain, I mean.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, casting department.

Somebody simple and honest--

that's the sort of a person
you'd turn to, wouldn't you?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Hello, Basil?

What are you doing?

I'm holding a meeting.

Well, drop it.

Now, listen, Basil--
the gigolo is out.

I know she's heartbroken.

But she's sweet and real.

And she wouldn't throw herself
away on some goofy gigolo.

Now, get me a hero,
somebody worthy of her.

I want a simple, honest
youth, a sort of gondolier

who supports his family.

Now, get me a human
being who can sing.

Round me up every human
tenor in Hollywood.

Well, now we can relax.

The conference is over, and
I'm as hungry as a wolf.

This is marvelous.

What is?

Do you know that this is
the first time that I've ever

seen coffee actually cooked?
- No.

Well, excepting once
in a picture called

"Hearts to Trumps."

And that time, there wasn't
any water in the pot.

We tricked it.

Is it very exciting?

Terrific.

You're a great help
to me, Miss Humanity.

I don't know how.

Well, you are.

I'll get the sandwiches.

It's amazing.

OK, Hank.

CREW 4:
Over here ..

CREW 5: Stanley, lower your--

CREW 5: --lower your
microphone about four inches.

Face it this way.

Hold still, will ya?

All right, boys.

I want to kill the shine.

now.

Hello, Mr. Day.

Do you know your lines?

Do I know my lines?

You mean do I know my line?

Yes, sir.

Why, I've been sitting
around here for eight

weeks waiting to say it.
- Oh.

Well, run it over once for me.

Yes, sir.

Why do you grieve for
that impresario, the rat?

That's fine.

I know it backwards too--

rat the impresario that
for grieve you do why.

I like the first
way better, all right?

Just a suggestion.

I had to do something
while I was waiting.

Oh, this is your first time
before the camera, Mr. Day,

isn't it?
- I don't know yet.

Do you mean you're actually
gonna photograph me?

Just as soon as
Miss Samara gets here.

Oh, call Miss Samara again.

She's on her way.

You're not kidding?

We're gonna start
lights, action, camera?

- Yes, sir.
- Gee.

Oh, here she comes.

That's a gorgeous costume.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Michael Day.
He plays the--

How do you do?

Hmm.

Now, this is the
scene, Miss Samara.

You are lonely, sad.

And I say, why do
you grieve for that--

Please.

Mr. Lawrence, I
want to know this.

Do I love him here?

Well, you see, I come in--

Please.

You are lonely in Cuba.

No one loves you.

What?

No one loves me?

I won't do it.

Where's Mr. Merlin?

Now, Miss Samara,
everybody loves you.

Oh, I see.

Everybody loves me.

But I am sad.

Mm-hmm.

How do you do?

How do you do?

That's the spirit.

Now, Mr. Day comes
around the t--

Hurry up.

I'm feeling sad.

Yes, of course, Miss Samara.
We'll make it.

All right, places, everybody.
Stand by.

This will be a take.

CREW 6: .

CREW 2: Quiet!

Turn 'em over.

For you, Mr. Lawrence.

CREW 7: Rolling.

At last, I'm in pictures.

CREW 3: Speed.

Now?

Now.

Why do you grieve--

MR. LAWRENCE: Cut!

I'm doing wrong?

Heh.

Looks like we're
all doing wrong.

Mr. Merlin is calling off
the production for a few days

for rewriting and recasting.

Fine.

Then I shall go to Honolulu.

But Mr. Lawrence--

Sorry, old boy.

Wrap 'em up.

But look, eight
weeks I've been on--

- Just give me that accordion.
- That's all, folks.

- One li--

Mr. Lawrence-- eight weeks
I've studied this line.

Look-- why do you grieve for
that impresario, you rat?

Eight weeks and
it's been changed!

CREW 8: Save the light.

I-- I had the one line.

Heads-up, please.

Rehearsing one
line for eight weeks.

Gangway!
Gangway!

Gangway!

What's happened with this
part I've had for eight weeks?

Shh!

Shh!

I've got to see Mr.
Merlin right away.

You can't see him.
He's looking for a human being.

What is all this?

They're supposed
to be human beings.

Shh!
Shh!

Well, I'll wait.

(SINGING MECHANICALLY) And
when to the battle they rode,

their dangers they were sh--

Now, you're making love
to a very beautiful girl.

Now, say passionately,
"I love you."

(UNCERTAINLY) I love you.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Crane will see you.

Basil.

BASIL CRANE: Next!

- Do you have your music?
- Uh, yes, sir.

- Please.

(SINGING DRAMATICALLY) Oh,
star of eve, thy tender beam--

Let me hear you
act, very briefly.

Say, "Darling, I am the
happiest man in the world."

(OVER-EARNESTLY) Darling, I'm
the happiest man in the world.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Crane will see you.

Thank you, sir.

Basil.

No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.

It's our Basil.

Oh, right, sir.

Mr. Westinghouse, please.

Please.

Thank you.

(SINGING IN TENOR)
Gone are the days when

my heart was young and gay.

Gone--

MR. LAWRENCE: Mr. Westinghouse--

that will be all I need.

Mr. Westinghouse, the part calls
for acting as well as singing.

Yes.

The scene has
romance and feeling.

Let me hear you say,
"My darling, I'll

love you until I die."

(IN DEEP BASS) My darling,
I'll love you until I die.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Basil.

Thank you, Mr. Westinghouse.

Thank you, sir.

Come here.
Come here.

Yes, sir.

I want a human being.

Or is that asking too
much to find in Hollywood?

All right.

Bring them in in bunches.

Yes, sir.

Come on in bunches.

Come on!

Ooh.

Get outta here.

RITZ BROTHERS:

Oh.

How did you get in here?

I don't want animals!

I want tenors!

RITZ BROTHERS: Tenors?

We are tenors, Mr. Merlin.

Get out of here.

Just a moment, sir.

Just a moment.

Get out!

Here you are.

Play that.

ALL: (SINGING) Old
man Jenkins had a cat.

He lost his cat one day.

Ooh, hoo.

And when he couldn't
find his cat,

you'd hear old
Jenkins say, oh, here,

pussy, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy, puss.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy, puss.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Where is the gosh-darned cat?

Oh, old man Jenkins
found his cat.

With great relief, he sighed.

Ooh, hoo.

But then again she ran away.

So poor old Jenkins cried.

Oh, here, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy.

(SPEAKING) Here, pussy.

Here, pussy.

Here, pussy.

Where's pussy?

Here, pussy, pussy.

Hello, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Hello.

Here, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy,
pussy, pussy, pussy.

RITZ BROTHER 1: Here,
pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

ALL: (SINGING) Where's
the gosh-darned cat?

That's enough of this!

Now get out of here!

ALL: (SINGING) Just a moment.

Just a moment.

Old man Jenkins missed his cat.

Life didn't mean a thing.

Ooh, hoo.

So old man Jenkins
changed his style.

He called to her in swing.

Oh, oh, pussy, why'd you leave?

Oh, pussy, hear me grieve.

Oh, pussy, listen now with
a whoo and a cat's meow.

Oh, pussy, out in the aisle, oh,
pussy, in the reign of style,

oh, pussy, hear us scat.

Take a rhythm break
for the sake of a cat.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Take it.

Oh, pussy, swing on down.

Oh, pussy, don't look now.

Oh, pussy, why'd you roam?

Oh, pussy, pussy,
please come home.

All right, come on.

Get these cats out of here.

That one on the floor,
there, pick him up.

Come on.
Hurry up.

Hurry up.

One more experience of this
kind and you're through.

You're fired.

But Mr. Merlin, I
didn't know who they were.

I don't want any
argument about it.

Who's next?

MICHAEL DAY: Mr. Merlin!
- This gentleman.

Oh, hello, Mr. Day.

What's the trouble?

Mr. Merlin, what is
there to this ugly rumor

that my part's been
cut out of the picture?

Well, I have other
plans for you, Mr. Day.

See me later.
I'm very busy now.

All right, send him in.
- But Mr. Merlin--

Mr. Merlin-- Mr. Merlin,
do you realize the time I

spent learning to be a gigolo?

Why, it took me eight
weeks to grow these.

I know, Michael.
I'm sorry.

But we're changing the story.

What I want you to
play now is a doorman.

A doorman?

From gigolo to
doorman, what a part.

All day long I do
nothing but open doors.

Oh, no, you do more
than that, Michael.

Yes, I close them too.

Oh, you don't understand.

This is not an ordinary doorman.

This is a doorman with a heart.

How old is this doorman?

Well, I want him to
be about 75 years old.

Ha.

I, in my prime, in the
flower of my youth,

I'm going to make my
debut in the movies

as a 75-year-old doorman.

Mr. Merlin, I ask you,
is that ??

But look, Michael, it's a
very sympathetic character.

You're an old, old man.

Your youth is wasted.

Hmm.

You're telling me.

You befriend a heroine.

You give her refuge
in your little hut.

But Mr. Merlin,
I look too young.

They'll suspect something.

Well, dig up a
simple white beard.

And when you're
flashed on the screen,

you'll break a million hearts.

I'll break a million
and one hearts.

What do you mean?

You're forgetting mine.

You'll never regret
playing that doorman.

Why, it's a Lionel
Barrymore part.

And I'm entrusting it to you.

Now, come on.

Go to the wardrobe department.

Get yourself a costume
and a hump for your back.

I can't play the accordion
with a hump on my back.

Get a small hump.

Mr. Merlin, my future!

Now, Michael,
Michael, there'll

be no doubt about your
future after the preview

of the picture.

I can see the newspapers
the following morning.

Yep.

And I'll be selling them.

Please.

Oh, Basil.

Call up that Santa
Monica number and tell

that party that I'll be a
little late for that conference.

Ah, I get it.

No, no, you're wrong.

It's mental-- the brain.

Oh, I wouldn't
know about that.

Listen, Miss Humanity,
are you going to sit here

all night waiting for him?

Or can we break jail and
make for a hamburger?

But he said he wanted
to have a conference

and was coming right out.

Is there anything in your
contract against eating?

No, I can eat, but
only in the places

where there aren't any actors.

Come on, then.

(SINGING) Nothing
seemed to matter any more.

Didn't know where
I was heading for.

Time was standing still.

No one counted till
there came a knock,

knock, knocking at my door.

Love walked right in and
drove the shadows away.

Love walked right in and
brought my sunniest day.

One magic moment
and my heart seemed

to know that love said hello,
though not a word was spoken.

One look and I forgot
the gloom of the past.

One look and I had
found my future at last.

Oh, then and there I found
a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.

I'll have some
on toast.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't hear you come in.

You sing awfully well.

Thanks.

I'm the last of the lunch
wagon tenors, Danny Beecher.

At your service.

Available for clam bakes
and front porch harmonizing.

What'll you have?

Oh, anything.

No squabs.

I suppose we'll have to
wind up with a hamburger.

The same.

Two hamburgers coming up.

With or without?

Without.

With.

Do you sing anywhere
else except here?

No, miss.

I'm just one of Hollywood's
army of hidden geniuses,

content to practice
my art at my work.

Well, it's a good thing
you're not a contortionist.

You said it.

May we have another
song while we're waiting?

What?

Do I hear cries of "encore"?

Please.

Well, uh, keep your eyes
on the hamburger in case

I get swept away.

(SINGING) One look and I
forgot the gloom of the past.

One look and I had
found my future at last.

Oh, then and there I found
a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.

Oh, I've had the most
wonderful time, really

the first fun since
I came to Hollywood.

Well, aren't you being
a bit obvious about it?

For all you know, he might have
a wife and a couple of kids.

I heard that remark, miss.

And in denying every rumor, I
wish to say that I am childless

and, according to the last
census report, unmarried.

Now may I take you ladies home?

Oh, not me.

I've got a date with
a certain party.

Good night, Hazel, and watch
out for your sense of humanity

when you're crossing the street.

Good night.

Good night.

Do you live near here?

Just down the street.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping it'd
be a long walk.

But maybe you'd like
to go exploring.

I heard there's an
ocean near here.

And we could sit on the
beach and get sunburned.

Tonight?

I'm sorry.

With you, it seems like
the sun is shining.

But you won't care if I make
other suggestions, will you?

You see, uh, you're the
first girl I've spoken

to informally for some time.

And well, I'm a little
out of practice.

Well, I'm sure I won't notice
your shortcomings, Mr. Beecher.

You see, I'm a little
out of practice too.

This is where I live.

So soon?

I haven't had time to
make half the suggestions

I wanted to make.

Well, I think for a man who's
supposed to be out of practice

that you do pretty well.

I guess your father's
waiting up for you.

Who?

Well, there's someone
sitting in there.

Oh, yes, well, I'll say
good night, Mr. Beecher.

I guess that's final, then.

What is?

Good night.

Or would you say that we were
going to see each other again?

Just as soon as I get hungry
again, I'll look you up.

Me and the hamburgers
will be waiting for you

with a song on our lips.

Maybe the next time, we can
walk in another direction.

Good night.

Good night.

Well, a pretty time
to come dragging in.

Where have you been?
- Oh, I just--

You haven't been
to a movie, have you?

Oh no, I haven't
disobeyed your orders.

I went out to get a hamburger.

A hamburger at this
hour of the night?

Well, 200 million
people must eat.

That's true
enough, true enough.

Do you want your
coffee now or later?

No, later on.

I want to talk to you.

Listen, my authors
have just handed

me a marvelous rewrite job.

They've figured out
a wonderful twist.

Twist?

OLIVER MERLIN: A
twist, a switcheroo.

Switcheroo?

The old twist-ola.

Now, listen-- the girl
picks up with a human being,

but he finds out about her past.

It drives him crazy.

And in one of the finest
scenes I've ever read,

he denounces her.

What?

Yes, you know.

But he's got an honest and
human heart, so he leaves her.

Now then, she meets an old
man with a long white beard

and a hump on his back
who plays the accordion.

The boy leaves her?

Like a shot.

He can't stand sin.

Well, it may be a
switcheroo, but it

sounds awfully unreal to me.

Unreal?

For an honest man to
leave a woman with a past?

But if he loved
her, he wouldn't

leave her, not if he were real.

That's amazing.

Granite 1121.

Yes.

Then she wouldn't meet the
old man with the accordion.

Does he play
the accordion too?

Why, uh-- uh, Mr. Crane.

You look tired.

I think I've been
working you too hard.

Well, I was thinking
of something else.

Well, now, you just
forget about everything

and take a look in
those boxes over there.

Hello, Basil?

What are you doing?

Well, drop it.

, Basil.

The hero doesn't
walk out on the girl.

I want him to forgive her.

Well, he forgives her anyway.

And Basil, kill the
old man with the beard.

He's out.

We'll find something
else for him.

Any luck with a gondolier?

Well, keep listening.

Never mind your ear drums.

I'll see you in an hour.

Oh!

Oh!

OLIVER MERLIN: Do you like it?

Oh, it's beautiful!

You'll look beautiful in it.

I had our wardrobe
make it for you.

I have tickets for the
opera tomorrow night.

Leona Jerome is
singing "Traviata."

And if you like her, I'm going
to put her in the picture.

You're going to
take me to the opera?

It's part of your job.

Oh!

Well, I've got to run along.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

I'm tied up for dinner.

But I'll call for
you afterwards.

Oh, uh, one more
question, Miss Humanity.

You're not too tired
to think, are you?

Oh, no.

If there were a man,
Hazel, with a dreadful past--

oh, a hideous past--

and some nice, honest girl who
loved him found out about it,

what would she do?

Would she leave him?

Why, no, not if she loved him.

Thanks.

Good night!

Thank you!

I'm afraid Mr. Crane won't
like this getup, Charlie.

Oh, nonsense.

Imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.

Well, you certainly
have flattered him,

right to the beret.

Yeah, isn't it ducky?

Oh.

Oh, you gorgeous
little ..

Oh.

You heard what she said.

Yeah.

If you're a pal, you'll go.

But quickly.

Oh, I want you.

Huh?

I must have you
for my picture.

You-- you--

Oh, we'd be delighted.

Will you go?

As you were saying.

Tell me-- can you romance?

Can I what?

Can you woo?

Can I woo?

Woo, woo, woo!

No, I mean,
can you make love?

Oh.

Sister, I'm a loving
fool and a fool to love.

I want a man who can take me
in his arms and hold me tight.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Yeah.

Can you do that?

Uh, no.

But I can do this.

Ah, but
can you do this?

You got me there.

Oh, you darling.

OLIVER MERLIN: Olga.
OLGA SAMARA: Oliver.

Why aren't you rehearsing?

Oh, come here.

What is it?

Look.

Isn't he a doll?

Yes, he's cute.

You're holding up the
whole company, Olga.

Oh, they can wait.

I must have him near
me in the picture.

But Olga, you can't have
everybody in the picture.

They're--

Either he's in or
I am out, positively.

How do you do, young man?

Would you like to
go into pictures?

Yes.

Wouldn't you, Charlie?

Well, I don't know.

Ah, but you must.

Of course he would.

He's very talented.

Oh, come, come, come.

You see, I've had
so many offers--

ouch.

Don't be a fool.

- I know what I'm doing.
- But--

Uh, tell me about the picture.

Is it good?

Is it good?

It's terrific.

Now, listen-- we fade into a
very beautiful pastoral scene.

I wouldn't like that.

Then we'll change it.

We can't change it.

- We will.
- Come, come.

Don't quibble.

Uh, can you pay us more
than our other offers?

Yeah-- what offer?

Oh, yeah, the big offer, yeah.

How much have
you been getting?

Well, uh, s-- some weeks we
make as high as, uh-- well,

we can make as high as, uh--

Yeah.

Of course, then again, it
will fall off a little.

It's bound to
fluctuate, you know.

OLIVER MERLIN: How
much do you want?

Uh, what can you afford?
That's .

You could pay him 3,000
a week, couldn't you?

- What?
- That isn't enough.

I must have 3,025.

OLIVER MERLIN: 3,025?

My dear fellow,
money isn't everything.

I don't know if
I'd be happy here.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, there is that to consider.

Now look here, I'm going to
give you a pass to the studio.

I want you to look around.

And if you think that you'll
be happy, come and see me.

Grab it.

Shall we go slumming.

Thank you.

Come along, Olga.

You will think
it over, won't you?

I shall meditate,
my lambie-pie.

Mm-hmm.

Then .

Cucaracha.

Oh, oh, oh.

Charlie, what's
the matter with you?

What have I done now?

I can't understand you.

Here we have a
contract practically

under our nose
for $3,000 a week,

and you almost queer it
by asking for an extra 25.

What is the $25 for?

After all, you've
got to live too.

Oh.

(IN IMITATION) Oh.

Well, gee, I didn't know
you was a duchess, lady.

To think I've been
entertaining royalty unawares.

Relax, .

Her Highness has always
been very favorably disposed

towards the House of Hamburger.

Thank you, ma'am.

I am going to the opera, but
I feel a need of a slight snack.

Do you, uh, have any
squabs this evening?

You mean-- you mean you
want something to eat?

If it's not too much trouble.

Oh, not at all, me lady.

Danny's Roost is famous
for its opera parties.

What will you have with
your filet mignon, champagne

or, uh, burgundy?

Burgundy will do.

Burgundy it is.

1923-- the finest vintage.

Water.

Oh, you look beautiful.

And you're going to the opera.

- Mm-hmm.
- What are they singing tonight?

"Traviata."

Oh, that's a honey.

I used to go to all the operas,
sit right in the front row--

in the gallery.

Oh.

Gee, I wish I could--

What?

Ah, nothing.

"Traviata," huh?

The lady what died of a broken
heart, slight ..

ALL:

ALL:

ALL:

Do you like her?

Oh, yes.

Then I'll put
her in the picture.

AND CHARLES KULLMAN,

ALFREDO:

ALFREDO:

ALFREDO:

Have you ever heard
"La traviata" before?

Once.

I'll be in projection
room number 1.

Mr. Merlin, are
these costumes OK?

Fine, thank you.

Mr. Merlin--

Yes?

Mr. Merlin, you
don't know who I am?

I'm sorry, old-timer.
I'm very busy.

- Why--
- Now see the casting director.

But Mr. Merlin!

Mr. Merlin.

Mr. Merlin.

Now, please, old-timer.

Old-timer?

I even fooled you, eh?

Look.

Hello.

What?

Pretty good, eh?

Listen to this-- little girl,
I will take care of you, ehhhh.

No, I'm sorry.

- What's wrong?
- I'm sorry, Michael.

We had to change
your part again.

Changed again?

Why, Mr. Merlin, this is
the Lionel Barrymore part,

remember?

I give her refuge
in my little hut.

I have it.

You'll be a French
customs officer.

- I won't do it.
- She escapes across the border.

You give her refuge.

Yeah, in my little
customs house.

Exactly.

Now pick yourself out
a simple black beard.

Why not a Bluebeard
with eight wives?

Oh, no.

I want you to have a
continental flavor.

Yeah, raspberry.

Now, believe me-- if you
play this part, Michael,

the public will go for you.

And how they'll go for me.

Why did I want to
be in pictures?

Why did I want to
be in pictures?

(SINGING) Love walked right
in and drove the shadows away.

Love walked right in and
brought my sunniest day.

One magic moment and
my heart seemed to know--

--that love said hello--

--though not a
word was spoken.

One look and I forgot
the gloom of the past.

One look and I had
found my future at last.

Oh then and there--

BOTH: --we found a
world completely new,

when love walked in with you.

You have a very human
voice, Mr. Beecher.

Why are you selling hamburgers?

Well, I really came to
Hollywood to

some movies, but no soap.

All I got was a lot of promises.

Well, I'd go sing for
some casting director.

And he'd say, swell, great,
crazy about you, Mr. Beecher.

But you're not quite
the type for the part--

too young.

And on Wednesday,
you're underweight.

And on Friday, you're just the
baby they were looking for,

but they'd already signed
somebody else for the part.

So on Saturday, you open
up a hamburger wagon.

Would you still like
to go in the movies?

Yeah, I like, but
they don't like.

Oh, but don't worry, Hazel.

I'll wear 'em down.

By the way, I forgot to ask you.

Do you like actors?

Oh, certain kinds.

Why?

Well, I'd hate to turn
into a star only to find out

you were the type of a girl
that couldn't stand actors.

Don't worry.

I'll write you.

Please, Mr. Beecher, will
you send me your picture

and say something nice on it?

I'll send it back to
you framed in hamburgers.

"To Hazel Dawes, my first
and sweetest admirer.

Yours with onions, Daniel,
a lunch wagon tenor."

Drop it.

Aunt Glory has some
news for you, Danny boy.

Good?

Good?

You're on the air tonight with
Mr. Crane's Hollywood Rebels.

I'm on the air?

GLORY WOOD: It was
an uphill struggle,

but you're on the air.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, I'm so glad.

Oh, thanks, Glory.

It's her idea.

Hazel--

Hey, break it up.

You've only got three hours
to clear up your throat

before you go on the air.

Are you scared, Danny?

Scared?

I'll be singing to you.

And if other people listen
in, that's their ..

If only Mr.--

some, uh, big movie
producer would listen in.

Uh, that's possible, Hazel.

Hey, come on!

Miss Samara-- how about going
over tomorrow's love scenes?

With you?

Huh.

Impossible.

You're supposed to be director.

But what do you know about love?

In Russia, when a man
holds you, he crushes you,

and you are in heaven.

Ugh.

Leave me alone.

Well, what did
you want me to do?

Kiss you?

I want you to go.

Go!

OK.

Oh, I miss those
beautiful moonlight nights

on the banks of the Volga,
where the big, strong, wonderful

men used to sing to me.

Well, I'll see
you later, fellas.

- Yeah, see you tomorrow.
- Yeah, yeah.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who is it?

Countess!

Who are you?

Who am I?

I am Boris Vladistovstankovich,
fugitive from the Moscow Art

Theater, matinees
Mondays and Fridays.

And I don't like mountain music.

But I love you.

Oh.

I have always loved you.

Ever since I was a little
boy, I have loved you.

You have loved me ever
since you were a little boy?

Yes, but today, I am a man.

Ah, for five years, I
have planned this meeting.

Yes?

Yes.

And today, I complete
my five-year plan.

Ah, when I think of those
beautiful nights on the banks

of the Volga, I could
take you in my arms

and crush you and crush you.

Ah, those nights on
the banks of the Volga.

Ah, those bank nights.

Ah.

BOTH:

When I sang to you--

OTHER RITZ BROTHERS: Na
na na na na na na na na.

Ya na na na na na na.

Na na na na na na na na na na.

Princess!

But Boris, before,
you called me Countess.

I'm promoting you.

Tell me, what were we doing?

You were about to take me
in your arms and crush me.

Mm-hmm.

Then I shall continue
where I left off.

Ah.

This crush reminds me of that
night at the Cafe ,,

when I sang to you--

OTHER RITZ BROTHERS: Na na
na na na na na na na na.

Ya na na na na na na na na.

Duchess!

First you call me Countess.

Then you call me Princess.

And now you call me Duchess.

You are everything to me.

Make love to me again.

Ah.

Ah.

You are the most
beautiful creature I have

loved since I came from Minsk.

But Boris, you told
me came from Moscow.

I moved.

Oh, kiss me.

You're big and strong
like the Volga boatmen.

OTHER RITZ BROTHERS:

La la la la la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la.

Countess!

It was nobody.

Oh, .

Boris, where are you going?

I don't know, but
I'll be right back.

Take it.

Princess!

Boris!

You are yourself again.

Who else should I be?

Oh.

Woof.

Boris, are you leaving me?

Yes, but not for long.

Take it.

Duchess!

Wahoo!

Boris!

You go out so weak and
come back so strong.

That's what you think.

Oh.

Boris, don't you like my loving?

Wahoo.

Wahoo.

Wahoo.

Wah--

Wahoo?

Wahoo?

Who?

Ooh.

Woo.

No, thank you.

ELLA LOGAN (ON RADIO): (SINGING)
Life was as sweet as apple pie.

Never noticed the
rain till you came by.

But now, whenever you're away--

You seem nervous.

I'm not, really.

Is it because the villain
has gotten you in his clutches

at last?

No, you can't frighten me.

I know you're not a villain.

Oh, I've had a lovely dinner.

And you have a beautiful house.

You make it seem
so, for a few minutes.

Thank you.

I like Mr. Crane's program.

Well, let's have our
coffee in the other room,

where we can hear it better.

ELLA LOGAN (ON RADIO):
(SINGING) --tinging

all through I feel somehow.

I was doin' all right, but I'm
doing better than ever now.

Loud enough?

Oh, it's fine.

Thank you.

BASIL CRANE (ON RADIO):
Ladies and gentlemen,

I have a big surprise for you,
a dark horse tenor, a young man

who came from nowhere
who will erupt

in dulcet melodies for your
approval, Mr. Danny Beecher!

I don't think I can stand
listening to another crooner.

Do you mind if I turn it off?

Oh, no.

Let's listen to him.

He may be some poor boy
who has been waiting

for this chance for years.

All right.

(SINGING) It's very clear
our love is here to stay.

Not for a year,
but ever and a day.

The radio, and the
telephone, and the movies

that we know may just be passing
fancies and in time may go.

But oh my dear--

I didn't invite you
here to make love to you.

Just to get a little better
acquainted so sometime when--

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO):
(SINGING) Together, we're--

OLIVER MERLIN: My dear,
you're not listening to me.

Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I was listening to the song.

You like his voice?

He sings wonderfully.

(SINGING)
--Gibraltar may tumble.

They're only made of clay.

But our love is here to stay.

The more I read the
papers, the less

I comprehend the world
and all its capers

and how it all will end.

Nothing seems to be lasting.

But that isn't our affair.

We've got something permanent.

I mean in the way we care.

Rather nice.

Probably some fat
youth with buck teeth.

Oh, no he--

doesn't sound like it.

(SINGING) --our
love is here to stay.

Not for a year,
but ever and a day.

By George, he is good.

DANNY BEECHER (ON
RADIO): (SINGING)

The radio and the telephone--

He has a first-rate voice.

DANNY BEECHER (ON
RADIO): (SINGING)

--and the movies that we know--

If only he's a human being.

I'm sure he is.

If he can only say
"I love you" nicely.

I think he could, very well.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO):
(SINGING) --oh my dear--

I'll have him in tomorrow.

And if your hunch works,
he's our gondolier.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO):
(SINGING) --to stay.

Together, we're--

You look so beautiful tonight.

Forgive me if I hold
your hand and admire

you more than I've ever
admired any young lady

in my whole life.

DANNY BEECHER (ON
RADIO): (SINGING)

In time, the Rockies may
crumble, Gibraltar may tumble.

They're only made of clay.

But our love is here--

our love is here to stay!

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Bonjour.

Ah, .

Ma cherie, come into
my little custom house.

Bonjour.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mr. Merlin.

Uh-huh.

A Russian impresario.

Yes, Mr. Merlin.

What's wrong now?

You have been changed again.

Changed again.

I feel like a nine-pound baby!

What do you think I feel like?

Oh, why did I want
to be in pictures?

OLIVER MERLIN: Uh, Beecher.

Well, hello, Mr. Merlin.

My boy, if you're
as good in the picture

as you were in your tests,
you'll be a sensation.

I'll try hard.

Well, you better
get on the set in case

they're waiting for you.

If I still have some time,
I want to phone somebody.

Romance?

Well, so far, just
on my side, I'm afraid.

Well, I think she'll listen
a little more tenderly now

that you're on your
way to stardom.

I'm glad you're in love.

It'll make you work
harder and act better.

Go to it, Danny Beecher.

There's the road to fame, and
fortune, and the girl you love.

Thanks for opening the door.

CREW 2: Quiet.

MR. LAWRENCE: Start your action!

LEONA JEROME:

OK, print it.

That's fine, Miss Jerome.

Now, let's get set up
for that boat scene.

Oh, do you know
your lines, Mr. Day?

Do I know my lines?

I know them in Pig Latin.

That voice!

La countess-- I thought
she was in America.

At-thay oice-vay!

La ountess-cay-- I ought-thay
e-shay as-way in America-ay.

That's all right, but you
better brush up on your accent.

You're not kidding me.

That phone's gonna
ring any moment,

and the part will be changed
to a Swiss bell ringer.

That's the
picture business, Mr. Day.

Yeah, picture business.

All right, let's hurry
up that scene, boys.

At-thay oice-vay!

La ountess-cay-- I ought-thay
e-shay as-way in America.

Hello, darling.

Haven't you left the house yet?

No.

Uh, listen, Danny.

I don't think I can be there.

I've got a headache, sort of.

Oh, that's not fair.

We start shooting a
scene in a half an hour.

And well, you've got to
be present to inspire me.

Well, I'll inspire
you from here.

Really, I don't
feel like coming.

Oh, you're scared.

You're scared I'm
gonna be a flop.

You're afraid I'm gonna
make a monkey of myself.

Is that it?
- Oh, ho.

Let me talk to her.

Wait a minute, darling.

Mr. Merlin wants to talk to you.

He's a producer.

And his word is law.

Hello.

I guess she hung up.

Well, I'll just have to
get my inspiration from afar.

I know how you feel.

Oh, that's better.

That's the-- oh, much better.

Oh, much, much better.

Oh.

Oh, Charlie this
has got to stop.

What's the matter now?

We've been here for a week,
and all we've got is a pass.

When do we start acting?

Oh, foo, actors.

They're much too common here.

I think I shall
become a director.

Yeah.
- Director?

What do you know
about directing?

Well, all you need
is the experience

and the ability to say "cut!"

And, uh, that's,
and, uh, and, uh--

And what?

Uh, what was I saying?

About experience.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get that later.

Ah, there you are.

Ah, there you are, la countess.

That voice-- I thought
she was in America.

But on your whiskers.

I know you.

Put on your whiskers.
I know you.

- Cut!
- Quiet!

Can't you see I'm
rehearsing my lines?

Oh--

Charlie, you mustn't interfere
with the gentleman's acting.

Mr. Merlin doesn't like it.

Neither do I. Cut!

Quiet!

If you don't keep quiet,
I'll call the doorman.

Ooh, doorman.

Why did I have to say doorman?

I'll call him.

Doorman, woo-hoo!

Quiet!

Ah, there you are, la countess.

That voice-- I thought
she was in America.

Cut!

That's silly.

What do you mean it's silly?

Is she America or
isn't she in America?

No.

Well, then who cares
what you thought?

Cut that line out.

Now listen here, you.

Be careful

how you speak to me, young man.

I'm the director of
your next picture.

Charlie, how can
you say such a thing?

Now remember
your position too.

You're only my assistant.

I apologize.

You wanna watch that.

Oh, I'm sorry, gentlemen.

If you don't like that
line, I'll cross it out.

I figured you would.

Now continue with your part.

Yes, sir.

Ah, there you are.

La countess-- that voice!

Cut!

If she speaks, everybody
knows it's her voice.

Cut that line out too.

Don't you agree?

Well, I--

I knew you would.

Yes.

Uh-- that voice!

Shall I take the "countess" out?

No, I'll do that myself.

But continue.

Ah, there you are.

Come with me to the race track.

And there we will see the
horses run neck to neck.

Cut!

Everybody knows horses
run on a race track.

Mine don't.

What's that?

I'll cross out "the race
track" and leave "the horses

neck to neck."
- Yeah.

No, that's too much necking.

Cut one neck.

One neck cut.

Yeah.

Uh, shall I
leave "the horses?"

Oh, definitely.

Now let's hear what
you've got, with feeling.

Ah, there you are,
you horses neck.

What?

Cut!

Toot, toot!

One side.

Places, everybody, places.

Where's Mr. Day?

He was here a minute ago.

Mr. Day!

Mr. Day!

Mr. Day!

Here I am.
CREW 2: Can you get in there?

You're holding us up.

MR. LAWRENCE: Will you
please stay on the set?

Do we always have
to hunt for you?

I was just rehearsing my line.

MR. LAWRENCE: All
right, all right.

Get in the boat.
- I know, but you don't--

Oh, please!

My dress.

CREW 7: Rolling.

CREW 3: Speed.

Stand by.

Start your action!

OLGA SAMARA: Darling,
you have changed

since we came to Venice.

MICHAEL DAY (OVER SOUND
BOOTH SYSTEM): That voice!

La countess-- I thought
she was in America.

To the dock!

No.

Hurry.

No.

Oh, please.

I see you later.

I must pay my respects
to the countess.

OLGA SAMARA (OVER SOUND BOOTH
SYSTEM): Don't leave me.

Igor.

Igor!

Don't cry.

Who are you?

Just what you see--

a simple gondolier.

But you seem so different--

so real, so human.

Then perhaps if I sang for
you, you'd forget to cry?

You may try.

(SINGING) Venice in June,
the music has started.

Lanterns aglow,
the mandolins play.

Happiness soon, so
why be down-hearted?

Love will enthrall you.

It's a call you must obey.

Spring again, it's time for
your heart to sing again.

It's time for laughter
to ring again.

It's time to fall in love.

June again, look at that
yellow balloon again.

Look at that silvery
lagoon again.

It's time to fall in love.

Tonight, magic is
filling the air,

making it thrilling to dare.

Finding out whether two
hearts can dream together.

Spring again, it's time
for couples to cling again,

to leave this world and to wing
again up to the gates above.

It's time to fall in love!

"Darling, I don't care
what your past has been.

Love is more important.

And it's spring again."

Oh, that's much better.

"Spring Again"-- you should
have heard him sing that song.

I want you to meet him sometime.

Meet him?

Well, after all, didn't
you discover Danny Beecher?

if it hadn't been
for your lucky hunch,

I never would heard
him over the radio.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Yes, it's quite a
coincidence, sort of.

Sheer fate.

He's a nice fellow, too.

He's got that, uh--

that something.

On second thought, I don't
think I want you to meet him.

I don't want any
actors talking to you,

or you'll lose that human touch.

The reason that everything
has gone so wonderfully

is that no actor has
been able to change you.

Well, now, I--

Now, now, I know
what I'm doing.

You've done a great
job on "The Forgotten

Dance," Miss Humanity.

And even a greater job
with this producer.

After this picture is finished,
I'm going to confess something.

Well, after the
picture's finished,

I think I'm going to have
to confess something too.

Well, well.

I think I'll try to
boil a couple of eggs.

You're going to boil eggs?

I feel so good that I
might even scramble them.

(SINGING) Spring
again, dee, dee, dee. (SPEAKING)

Go ahead to the next scene.

"The Water Nymph Ballet"--

oh, Oliver, you
are going to do it.

Oh, yes, I'm going to do
it, because you like it.

You haven't been wrong yet.

The only thing that worries
me is that I like it too.

"Fade in on a romantic
semicircular colonnade.

In the center, a boy sits
gazing into a pool of water.

The dance begins with
girls and boys appearing

behind the colonnade."

All right, let's get started.

Light 'em all.

Hello, Mr. Merlin.

What are you doing
next here, Lawrence?

Three Romans and Danny
Beecher's close-ups.

Three Romans?

I don't remember three
Romans in the script.

But you hired
them, Mr. Merlin.

Did I?

Those wonderful singers,
all the way from New Orleans--

do you remember?

I think you're
going to like what

I have worked out for them.

Uh, this will be a take.

Stand by.

Quiet.

Turn 'em over.

CREW 7: Rolling.

CREW 3: Speed.

Start your action.

Fish.

Stroke.

Fish.

- Stroke.
- Fish.

Stroke.

- Fish.
- Stroke.

Fish.

- Stroke.
- Fish.

Stroke.

- Fish.
- Stroke.

- Fish.
- Stroke.

- Fish.
- Stroke.

Fish.

Stroke.

ALL: (SINGING) We push.

We push.

We stroke.

We stroke.
We fish.

We fish.

We push and poke.

We row and row.

That's all we know.

And as we push and poke,
and as we fish and stroke,

we sing this song all day.

Serenade to a fish.

Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo.

Little fish in the water,
if you come into sight,

then it's love at first bite.

Serenade to--

What!

Why, you--

ALL: (SINGING) We were
married yesterday.

That why we say, oh--

Ding, ding, daddy.

ALL: Da da da da da da da--

Hello?

Who?

Barnacle Bill?

We'll be right down!

Cut.

Romans, eh?

From New Orleans.

Sorry, Mr. Merlin.

What are you sorry for?

They're marvelous
without their animals.

I'm going to sign them on a
long-term contract right away.

Listen, won't you come
and watch me act, just once?

But I told you.

I'd rather see
you on the screen.

But I want you
to meet Mr. Merlin.

I've told him about you.

About me?

Well, I-- I said I had an
inspiration, and she's been

so darned nice to me.

I want you to meet him.

He's a swell guy.

Some other time.

But we're almost finished.

We're making our
last scenes today.

Please, won't you come?

I'll try.

Swell.

You love me?

Oh, yes.

Well, you'll love me even more
when you see me on that screen

and realize what a sweet, kind,
honest, noble fellow I really

am.

You goof.

If you don't hurry,
you're going to be late.

And another thing, my dear--

Mr. Merlin is of the
opinion the picture's

going to make me a star.

You won't mind?

Not if you're still Danny.

Now, on your way.

Oh, Mr. Merlin.

Oh, yes, Danny.

Have you seen any of the
picture put together yet?

Yes, and it looks great.

Am I really all right in it?

You'll be a
star before you know it.

Well, I could,
uh, use a raise.

Now, wait a minute, my boy.

You're not a star yet.

Oh, but you said if I--

Now don't get
that slant, Danny.

Don't go Hollywood, or
you'll ruin yourself.

Now, take it easy.

You've got lots of time.

Go in there and
finish your scenes.

MR. LAWRENCE: That's fine.
That's the idea.

Now we'll make it.

CREW 6: Light 'em all.

CREW 2: Places,
everybody, places.

CREW 9: Places.

CREW 2: Stand by.

CREW 7: Rolling!

CREW 3: Speed!

MR. LAWRENCE: Stand by.

Start your action!

, wait!

Darling, don't leave me.

I don't care what
your past has been.

Love is more important.

And it's spring again.

(SINGING) Spring again,
it's time for couples

to cling again, to
leave this world

and to wing again up
to the gates above.

It's time to fall in love!

MR. LAWRENCE (OVER SOUND
BOOTH SYSTEM): Cut.

Print that.

Now we move in for the close-up.

Excuse me, Mr. Merlin.

Oliver, are you
hiding from me?

What are you
doing tonight, Olga?

Me?

You're asking me what
I am doing tonight?

Oh, Oliver, I knew you'd
finally think of me.

I want you to come to a party
that I'm giving at my home

later tonight to announce
my approaching marriage.

Your marriage?

You are getting married.

Oh, I am so glad.

I am so happy for you.

(RELIEVED) Oh.

I thought you'd be angry.

Angry?

No.

It is the best thing
that could happen.

Get married.

Everybody should get married.

It's amazing.

Danny!
Here.

DANNY BEECHER (OVER SOUND
BOOTH SYSTEM): Hazel!

You did come to see me!

I'll wait for
you outside, Hazel.

Oh, Danny, you were wonderful,
just like the first time

you sang to me in
the hamburger wagon.

HAZEL DAWES (OVER SOUND
BOOTH SYSTEM): Look out.

Somebody will see us.

DANNY BEECHER (OVER SOUND
BOOTH SYSTEM): Aw, who cares?

Gee, I love you more
every time I see you.

HAZEL DAWES (OVER SOUND BOOTH
SYSTEM): Oh, and I love you.

Isn't it wonderful
the way everything's

turned out for you?

Yes.

Fame, fortune, and
the girl I love--

all because you got hungry
for a hamburger one night.

I love hamburgers.

CREW 2: Mr. Beecher.

Yes?

I'd better get out of sight.

You're gonna stay right here.

Are you Hazel Dawes?

Why, yes.

Mr. Merlin would like to
see you up in his office.

We'll be ready for you
in a second, Mr. Beecher.

You know Mr. Merlin?

Yes.

I've been working for him.

Working?

Here?

No, but in my home,
and his home, and oh,

restaurants, and places.

You see, I--

I see.

Sort of an undercover job.

Oh, Danny, Mr. Merlin
has been very nice to me,

nice in every way.

How nice?

What's come over you?

Why, it's nothing.

He's like a father to me.

Like a father.

So he was the man waiting at
your house the first night

I met you--

and other nights.

HAZEL DAWES: Yes, but--

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because he didn't want
me to talk to anyone.

That's why he rented
the house for me,

so I wouldn't have to
come to the studio.

He wanted me to stay as dumb
as I was when he found me.

And I guess I have.

No, you haven't.

Danny, please.

Don't be silly.

I'm going up and tell
Oliver about you now.

Well, you can tell
Mr. Merlin from me

that I won't need that
raise I asked him for.

My plans have been changed.

What do you mean?

I mean that I've
been the dumb one.

CREW 10: Ready, Mr. Beecher.

All right.

Is that all you have to say?

I have to go to work now.

This last close-up
is very important.

MR. LAWRENCE: We're
waiting, Mr. Beecher.

Coming.

MR. LAWRENCE: All
right, stand by.

Start your action.

DANNY BEECHER: Darling,
don't leave me.

I don't care what
your past has been.

Love is more important.

And it's spring again.

You wanted to see me?

Sit down.

I'm sorry I disobeyed your
orders and came to the studio.

It doesn't matter.

You're not with
this firm anymore.

Oh.

I'm announcing your retirement
from the picture business.

Well, is that necessary?

I mean, who cares?

Hazel, I'm giving
a party at my home

tonight to announce
our marriage.

I can't marry you.

Why not?

Because I love someone else.

You love him very much?

Oh, yes.

He means everything to you--
his happiness, his success?

Yes.

Then I'm quite
sure you'll marry me.

What do you mean?

If I seem unpleasant
for a few moments,

please remember that I've been
shocked and disillusioned.

Something I thought was
perfect turned out to be silly.

But I haven't
done anything wrong.

You're not throwing
yourself away on a crooner.

I'm the one that's
human now, not you.

Why, you don't love him.

You love the thought of running
around with somebody who

is going to be famous,
talked about, and wanted

by a million autograph hunters.

No, Oliver--

Well, if you think he's going
to be famous, you're mistaken.

Because if you insist
upon going through

with this idiotic thing,
I'm cutting Mr. Beecher out

of the picture and reshooting.

You'd do that?

Yes.

Now tell him that, and
then see if he loves you.

I'm calling the
casting department

and replacing Danny
Beecher tomorrow.

No.

Don't do that.

It won't be necessary.

You won't be sorry, Hazel.

You'll be grateful
to me some day.

Gather 'round.

Gather 'round.

I take great pleasure
in presenting

one of the stars of "The
Forgotten Dance," a man who has

more talent in this
little finger, uh,

than he has in
this little finger.

And here he is, none other
than that famous artist,

Michael Day.

(SINGING) I love to rhyme.

(SPEAKING) I love to rhyme.

A poem-- a poem dedicated to the
completion of our new picture.

I wrote this poem in
the wardrobe department,

where I spent the
best years of my life.

"The Forgotten Dance"
is like a tree.

Mr. Merlin is the
roots, you see.

Olga and Danny are
branches, old chap.

And you, my friend,
are just the sap.

Ye-- who said that?

- S-- stop that.
- Cut it out, will ya?

(WHISPERING) Here he comes.

Oh, so it's you again.

Tell me, my uninvited
pest, how did you happen

to get into this party anyway?

Oh, I just snuck in.

Snuck in.

Pardon the correction,
but it isn't "snuck" in.

It's "sneaked" in.

I sneaked in.
You sneaked in.

They sneaked in.

You get the idea?

Yeah, uh-huh.

We all got in the same way.

Yeah.

Annoying chap, isn't he?

- I wish you'd keep quiet.
- Yes, Charlie.

This is very embarrassing.

It is embarrassing.

I'm a great artist.

Does my music carry you away?

Yes, it does.

But not far enough.

Now, listen here,
my talking totem pole,

what did your father say to
the stork when you were born?

That's an insult.
Take it back.

That's
what I thought.

Yeah.

Uh, what?

That's one on you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll fix him .

Uh, hey, Day.

Mr. Day to you, dope.

Mr. Dope to you, Day.

Oh, a wise guy, eh?

Say, tell me-- do you
believe in reincarnation?

CHARLIE MCCARTHY: Uh, yeah.
Why?

Well, the next time
you return to Earth,

come COD so I can refuse you.

What a quip.

I'll have to use
that on the air.

You have to use
which on the what?

I'll have to
use it on the air.

Didn't you hear me on
Mr. Crane's radio program

last week?

Well, I tried to, but
I couldn't enjoy it.

MICHAEL DAY: Why?

Was the radio on the bum?

No, the bum was on the radio.

What am I laughing at?

Mark up
one for me, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Day.

MICHAEL DAY: What
do you want now?

Doesn't that thing
ever pinch your stomach?

Will you be quiet?

I can't hear myself play.

You lucky devil.

Now, look here, dead end.

I'll have you know
I'm very well-liked.

In fact, I grow on people.

Oh, a wart.

I don't know why I
waste words on you, knave.

Me, a great
Shakespearean actor--

"To be or not to be?

That is the question."

What's the answer?

There is no answer.

Well, why doesn't he hang up?

That's Shakespeare.

Haven't you ever
heard of Shakespeare?

Uh, no.

Awfully sorry.

Hate myself for not knowing.

I'm a cad.

Tell me, learned
friend, who is he?

Shakespeare's
works are immortal.

"Friends, Romans,
and countrymen"--

Cut!

"I came to bury Caesar,
not to praise him."

Hey, Hamlet, did
you ever strike oil?

No.

No, I never struck oil.

Then why don't
you stop boring?

Ladies and gentlemen,
if the animated clothespin

will be quiet, I will
delve into the classics

and play the fourth movement
from "The Fifth Symphony," opus

seven, theme six, track five.

All aboard!

Toot, toot.

(SINGING) I love to rhyme--

Hey.

Hey, why don't you get hot?

- Get what?
- Get hot.

You know.

Oh, get hot.

- That's it.

That's it.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Chooka, chooka, chooka,
chook, chook, chook.

La-di-da da la.

La-di-da la loomp boomp.

(SINGING) I love to rhyme.

The citrus fruit loves to lime.

Heifetz may love to fiddle.

(SINGING) And
I love to riddle.

You love to what?

Riddle.

What-- what is it that's
two inches long, has, uh,

28 legs, and green eyes,
and a sharp stinger?

I give up.
What is it?

I don't know.

But it's crawling
on your collar.

Oh, he dances too.

Doesn't-- oh.

(SINGING) If
that's your riddling,

it's only fair to middling.

In fact, I think
you're kindling.

That
for your riddling.

What kind of
voice have you got?

Is it basso or alto?

Oh, I don't know.

I just sing through my teeth.

Oh, falsetto.

Listen here, wise guy, if
you're referring to my voice,

I'll have you know the last
time I sang in a theater,

you could hear the
applause across the street.

- Yeah?

Who was singing
across the street?

Oh--

MICHAEL AND CHARLIE:
(SINGING) We can't agree.

It isn't so hard to see
the day will never be--

Oh, boy.

Mow me down.

MICHAEL AND CHARLIE: (SINGING)
--when you rhyme with me.

That's better.

Shall we go out now?

Is, uh, this where the
party is, Mr. Merlin?

Well, I'm rather surprised
to see you here, Mr. Beecher.

Well, I've arrived,
sort of like the Marines.

Please go away, Danny.

You'll only make
everything more difficult.

It's kind of unfair
of you, Mr. Merlin,

not to include me in on that
conference this afternoon.

- What do you mean?
- Please, Danny.

I know what I'm doing.

As I understand it, if
Hazel went on loving me,

you'd cut me out of the picture.

MR. LAWRENCE: Now,
see here, Mr. Beecher.

You--

Well, I've brought
you the scissors.

So I won't be the nation's
new love interest,

with all the fans
kissing my photographs

and chasing me down
the street screaming

for a lock of my hair.

Come on, darling.

I can still cook a hamburger.

I'm sorry, Oliver.

It's amazing.

No, wait a minute.

I don't think I'm
going to need these.

Uh, ladies and
gentlemen, I told you

that I would have an
announcement to make tonight.

First, I want to thank
you all for the very

fine work you've done in making
our picture a great success.

I wish that I could reward
you all as you deserve,

but being troopers,
I know that you

won't begrudge the
one reward I have

to give to Mr. Danny Beecher.

I have the great
honor, Mr. Beecher,

of offering you a
five-year contract

under the banner of Merlin
Productions as a singing star.

Sing, Danny.

Sing!
- Sing, Danny!

Sing, Danny.

Sing!

Say, what's it all about?

Well, Danny just got
five years for singing.

Ye-- he did?

Yes.

That's too bad.

Say, that accordion squeezer
ought to get life, huh?

(SINGING) Love walked right
in and drove the shadows away.

Love walked right in and
brought my sunniest day.

One magic moment
and my heart seemed

to know that love said hello,
though not a word was spoken.

One look and I forgot
the gloom of the past.

One look and I have
found my future at last.

Oh, then and there--

DANNY AND LEONA: --I
found a world completely--

I've been looking forward
to this moment all evening.

Oh, you dance divinely.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Oh, yes.

Uh, uh, can't you get a
girl for Bergen, lambie-pie?

Oh.

Oh, I'm so glad
you and Hollywood

turned out to be so nice.

Well, we finished
a good second.

I'd like to ask you one
question, Miss Humanity.

What is it, Oliver?

If you were a movie
producer and had lost the girl

you loved, what would you do?

Just the same as
you did, because it

was the real thing to do.

(SINGING) Oh, then and there--

DANNY AND HAZEL: --I found
a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.