The Drop (2022) - full transcript
In this cringe comedy, a married couple face a marriage test when one of them drops a baby during a tropical island wedding.
Good job.
I need to do the thing
where I'm...
Oh. Yeah.
Can you just pull out slow?
Yeah. I'll do it, do it slow.
Yeah.
All right. Doing it slow.
Are you Kegeling?
Kegel, Kegel...
One
million sperm will make the trip.
Some won't return back home.
One million sperm. Sperm. Whoo.
You're so cute. You're so cute.
Babe? Yeah?
I'm freaking out
because Peggy and Mia asked me
to write their vows,
and I already
have to make their cake.
It's extremely overwhelming.
Oh, your friends are already
stressing me out.
I know, I'm sorry.
I don't wanna go
to this wedding.
I just wanna stay here with you.
We ought to tell them
we got food poisoning.
Yes. That our butts hurt.
Yes. There's no cure.
Yes.
What if instead
we go to New York
and we surprise my mom
for her birthday?
Are you being serious right now?
We can't not go.
Oh, I... No, I thought you
didn't wanna go.
Do you not wanna go?
Of course I wanna go.
Happy birthday!
Hi! Mwah, mwah, mwah!
How you doing, baby? Mwah, mwah.
I love you. How you doing?
Oh, I love you too.
Why you screening my calls?
I vow to cherish you.
I vow to be your rock.
Which is so cliché.
Your rock. God.
Fucking hate this.
Look at this spread, baby.
Look at that.
Man, this potato batter
is freaking good.
It looks so good.
What you eating?
I know it's not as good
as what we having here.
I got juice. Juice? What?
Yeah, it's good
for the uterine lining.
You know I'm trying
to make you a grandbaby.
What's wrong
with your uterine lining?
We love you, baby.
You got one more
family function to miss
before you're out the will.
Don't even show up
at the reading.
I'll be at the next one.
I promise. I'm just kidding.
Love?
Sorry. What time is our flight?
Seriously, you're
hanging out with Lex's friends
over your family? We got to go.
I love you all so much. I will
talk to y'all real, real soon.
Okay? I love you. I miss you.
Happy birthday, Mom.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We gotta go right now.
You got everything? Yeah.
Deodorant? Yeah.
Razor? Uh-huh.
Toothbrush?
Yeah.
Vacation time.
Let's go.
Okay...
Good job. I did it. I did it.
Two containers? LEX: Yup.
Okay.
What should I do with them?
Eat them. JK.
Because I will eat them.
Please don't.
That good? Yes, thank you.
Lexie, I want you
to have such a good time
with your college friends.
I want you to relax
and I want you to...
Oh, have sex? She means sex.
Stop.
Thanks. Thank you so much
for helping out.
Oh, you're so welcome.
And you, my handsome friend,
you gotta do me one favor.
I want a beautiful
milk-chocolate baby, okay?
Mom? I have to report
you to Human Resources.
Oh, yeah. I'll see you, okay?
Have fun, guys.
Please, just go, go, go.
Look at these hips, Ma.
I can't even leave you...
Babe. There you go.
There you go. You're off.
Whoa-dee-doe. Whoa-dee-doe.
United States does not negotiate
with terrorists.
We don't negotiate with
terrorists. You're right.
But terrorists are people too.
They were once babies
who suckled at the breasts
of their mothers.
They laughed, they cried,
and they dreamt
of a brighter future.
Let this man go.
And I promise you,
as president of the United
States, you have my word.
Together we will build
a better future.
Secure the cockpit.
It's a solid episode.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the airplane episode.
I remember I won my first Emmy
for that one.
No, I know. I saw you
were watching your show.
That's my good-luck charm
on flights.
Yeah. Well... Yeah.
Oh, thank you so much
for the first-class flights.
Oh... Amazing. Amazing.
I've never been,
and now my cake has a seat.
Please, I had the
points. It was easy. Yeah.
You're coming down
Punakha Mountain without oxygen.
You have a choice to make.
You can succumb to the mountain
or you can reach out to the gods
and you can do something
exceptional,
and right at that moment,
I get a call on the sat phone
from Steve Jobs.
What? Oh, I thought he...
Didn't he die?
I think he sensed
it was nearing his end,
because he wanted to connect
with me in our corporeal forms
before he moved on
to the next plane,
and he says to me, he goes:
"Robbie, nobody wants a stylist.
Don't be a stylist. Be a finger.
And from whence the direction
of your digit goes,
your destiny will be revealed."
It's okay.
Your mommy's right here. I know.
I'm trying to write Mia
and Peggy's vows right now
and I'm really struggling.
I know. I know.
Who asks someone
to write their own vows?
Which I'm super honored,
but I'm just...
It feels a little cheese.
You okay, sweetie?
Oh, yeah. I'm good.
She feels relaxed watching that?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is...
It's a classic.
Good. I'm glad. I'm fine, baby.
Oh, my God. Okay, so Mia?
I saw her filling out paperwork
to carry a gun in her luggage.
There's absolutely no way. Yeah.
She is the most liberal person
that I know.
She was a part
of the Innocence Project.
I think parenting
changes some people.
I respect your choices,
and I respect your freedom.
You don't think she...?
No. No, I mean,
that would be crazy.
You know what I was gonna say?
Yeah, that she voted for...
I don't think so. No.
That is...
And I said, "Steve,
I'm in Bhutan.
I literally don't have
the oxygen
to have this conversation
right now.
Can you text it to me?"
And he goes, "I don't
actually really know
how to use my phone."
And so I explain to him:
"Why don't you just dictate
what you wanna say to me
into your phone,
and then I can read it
on my end?"
Is that where he got
the idea from?
Shauna, I just wanted
to thank you again
for all your help with
the wedding. Yeah.
We probably just would have gone
to a courthouse or something.
So this feels pretty cool,
to bring all the friends
back together.
You're so welcome.
You guys deserve it.
It's truly my pleasure.
You like that? Eat my ass, daddy.
Yeah. I'm about to
go and eat that ass up, girl.
Eat it, come on.
Hey, Levi. You might wanna
plug those headphones in.
Hey, Peggy. Or you can go back
to your own seat
and use your own headphones.
Levi is exploring.
Totally, yeah.
We're a sex-positive family.
Cool. All right. Um...
All right. Enjoy your flight.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
okay?
Yeah, take that dick, girl.
Fuck me, daddy. Oh, yeah.
What the fuck?
Oh, harder. Yeah.
Take all that dick, girl.
Come on.
Oh, thanks, Mani.
Oh, this is so fun.
You good?
Yeah, I'm good. Thank you.
All right. Well,
I have a gift for you.
Ooh.
From a local designer,
I got these myself.
Gorgeous. They are beautiful.
Every little touch is amazing.
Mani? Yeah?
Can I just give you these?
For a sec? Yeah. Of course.
Oh, can you be super careful?
I know you're gonna be,
but just...
Of course. I got it. I got it.
Let's just get you...
You sure? Really... Yes.
Oh, I'm joking. I got it.
I got it. Don't be...
It's okay. It's okay.
Hi.
Oh, hi. How's it going?
Good. I'm just
checking in on you.
Oh, I'm great. Mm?
I'm here, so I'm great.
Yeah. How are you?
Great. No, yeah, I'm just...
Yeah, we're really good. Yeah.
I was thinking
about it recently, you're...
You're the first woman
I was ever with, I realized.
And the first person I ever
truly opened my heart up to.
I mean, that was the first time
I was in love, with you.
Me too, in a lot of ways. Yeah.
That's really the reason
I wanted you to write our vows.
No pressure.
But I'm honored and I'm excited.
Well, thank you.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Next.
Oh, I'm up.
Hola. Hola. ¿Que tal?
Perfecto. Muchas gracias.
Have a good day. You too.
So a gun?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
When I was pregnant with Ani,
I just watched a lot
of true crime.
Did you know most neighborhoods
have a sex offender
who just hasn't committed
a crime yet?
Where are they?
I don't know. I'm texting.
Hey, Josh and Lindsey's place
has terrible reviews.
Look at this.
"Went for a romantic walk
with my wife,
celebrating 25 years."
Congratulations. "Found a body."
Oh, that took a turn.
He did like the shrimp, though.
Good to see you, man.
How you doing, man?
Goodness. Hi.
Hi. I'm so excited.
Oh, my God. Cutie. There she is.
Oh, you smell fabulous.
You are very sticky.
Oh, my God. I am.
You're not wearing shoes
at the airport?
No, I'm wearing shoes.
We've got bags.
Honey, I need a hand
with this seat.
It's a little bit
of a situation.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I got you.
Hey, Mani. Yeah.
Sorry, would you just
grab her for just one second?
Yeah. Yeah, go to Mani.
Filled up the boxes, but there's
some bungee cords in there.
What? Where? What's up there?
Hmm?
Honey. It's the airplane.
Can I hold?
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
What?
Oh, no!
Mani, help me!
Is she okay? Is she okay?
I need a cranial pediatrician.
A cranial pediatrician. Cranial.
Does it hurt?
Hey, guess what?
The flower crowns were a hit.
I know. Everybody was like,
"Shauna, you did it again."
It's not about credit,
you know, it's just... Yeah.
Sorry, there is a plug
right there,
so if I can just get to it...
My cell phone is muerte.
And just make sure they have
a vocal stance on pertussis.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I asked you to get waters.
These are waters.
This is not totally
appropriate, Joshua.
Look, it's less waste
and I think some people
will appreciate it.
We are in a hospital,
not a hammock.
Come here.
Come here. Come on. Come on.
Bring it in. All right.
Hey, breathe. That's it.
Do you want a coconut?
No, I'm okay.
Okay. Got them if you want some.
Coconut?
No, those smell awful.
Feel your heart,
okay? Let me just feel your heart.
You're fine. Breathe.
Hey, guys.
Do you want a coconut?
No, thank you, Josh.
A little hydration after...
It's okay.
Josh? Thanks, buddy. Thank you.
Deeply, deeply inappropriate.
Okay, man.
Yup. Oh, great. Thanks, man.
All right. Mani's here.
Mani's gonna take care of you.
He's got it.
Here. We're okay. We're okay.
I was holding her and then...
And then I heard, like,
a buzzing and I...
There was a bee.
I felt...
I felt the sting.
I felt a sting, it really hurt.
And then I saw a bee
and then I looked down,
and I thought,
"Where's the baby?" And then...
Hey, guys. Hey.
She's okay.
They're gonna keep her overnight
for observation just to be safe,
but she is totally fine.
Everything's looking good.
Really good.
Yeah, she is very resilient.
Babies are.
Is Mia...? Do you mind if I just
say a very quick hi to...
I don't think that's
the best idea right now.
Totally. Yeah.
But what you should do is just
go to the hotel, you know,
unpack and settle in.
And get the party started and
we'll keep you posted, okay?
Peggy, Peggy, you don't want
a coconut, do you?
Oh, why, yes, I do. Thank you.
I need the electrolytes.
Oh, that's refreshing.
No cervezas.
Um... In el baby.
Uh... In el hospital.
El accidente grande.
To, uh, cabeza.
Thwack.
La cabeza...
Thwack.
These need to be refrigerated.
Of course.
- I'm just gonna say it.
- Josh, say it.
I understand that
she didn't throw the baby.
No. But I feel like
there was something
consciously or subconsciously
violent about it.
Was she violent with you?
What, when we were together?
Yes. No.
I mean, consensually
a couple times,
but no, not at all.
Overall, very tender.
You know, we all just...
We all make mistakes,
it could have been me.
It could have been me.
I mean, it wouldn't be, because
I would never drop the baby,
but I, uh...
What the hell was that?
Hmm?
I went over and I got a chip
and I put it in my mouth.
Your eyes said
a thousand things,
and there was a very long pause
where you could fill in
and say I'm not a baby dropper.
Here is all I'm saying.
You have the potential within
you to be a baby dropper.
What? You're impatient
with me when I'm sick.
You're sick all the time.
I'm not fucking sick
all the time.
You're sick frequently.
I'm not frequently sick.
I'm occasionally sick.
I am normal person sick.
If I counted the times
you've had sunstroke when we've
been on this property...
What, four?
I can count them on one hand.
Four? You've had sunstroke
four times today.
Fuck you, Lindsey. Fuck you.
We're gonna rename this hotel
Sunstroke Josh Hotel.
That's a dumb name for a hotel.
Don't hit me with cilantro.
- You want a micro dose?
- Yes.
Yeah, I thought so.
Two, please.
Pop, pop.
Mm. Thank you. Thank you, baby.
Of course. Do you know
what turned me on?
What?
When Lexie dropped that baby...
Babe.
What? No, no, no.
What turned me on
was when I realized
that that's something
you would never do.
I would never do that.
How could you ever drop a baby?
I don't have it in me.
You cradle all the babies.
I do. Mm-hm.
And all I have to do
is take care of everyone else
and it's really hard.
Well, it's because
you are the light.
No, no, no, no, I mean...
We could. We could.
We could.
We... Should we?
Should we drop a baby?
Should we drop a baby
in the show?
We could drop a baby
in the show.
We could drop a baby in the
show, but I'd feel really bad.
I don't want Lex to feel like
we stole the story from her.
It's gonna feel very directly
related to what happened.
Truth be known, Lex is a writer.
That's true.
And, you know,
she understands talent,
she understands the muse.
When the spirit speaks,
you have to listen.
Wow, that's true. You're right.
Yeah. And also,
she dropped a baby.
This might be cathartic for her.
She did.
How many people
have dropped babies?
We could say it's public domain.
Yeah. Come on.
You know, like "Happy Birthday."
I love it.
I'm gonna kill her.
Honey, it was an accident.
It could have happened to me.
I'm gonna smash her head
with a concrete block
and drop her body in the ocean.
Do you think that maybe
you're just feeling
a little extra
overprotective lately?
Clearly I didn't do enough.
Someone dropped our baby
on the pavement.
It's just like, with the gun
and safety drills...
And I saw that you added
Joe Rogan
to the Spotify playlist
the other day.
What? What does that
have to do with anything?
Never mind, okay?
He's a gifted interviewer.
They got calamine lotion.
I don't really need that.
It's for your bee sting.
Where is it?
It doesn't hurt anymore.
What are you talking about?
Let me see.
It doesn't hurt, babe.
Let me see.
I don't wanna be touched
right now.
Lexie, where is it?
On my arm.
All right. Okay. Obviously.
I... Can you just give me
a little bit of space?
Don't be mad.
I'm not mad.
Then why are you so far away?
I didn't know I was far away.
Can you just get, like,
normal close?
Okay. I gotta take a walk.
Mm-hm.
The tip of
the tongue, the roof of the mouth,
the lips, and the teeth.
The tip of the tongue,
the roof of the mouth,
the lips, and the teeth.
What up, no-wanks?
Um...
I, uh... I forced myself
to watch three straight hours
of mid-'90s erotica
on the plane ride over here.
Hardest 180 minutes of my life.
It is our biological
imperative to spread,
not to waste our seed
and to reclaim our masculinity
and our manhood.
Men are meant to go out and hunt
and find their mates
and spread their seed.
That is why our mantra is
"Cum is for courtship."
Oh, by the way, the "Cum is
for courtship" bumper stickers,
they just got printed,
like, yesterday.
They are a fucking work of art.
Ma?
I just...
I wanted to ask you
a quick question.
Um...
Ma, like, how common is it
for someone to drop a baby?
You know, baby, it happens.
Sometimes parents are
overwhelmed, they're tired.
You know, a little too much
on the plate,
they may trip and fall,
drop the baby,
maybe the baby rolls off the
sofa when they're not looking,
but honestly, baby,
that's a white people thing.
Black people don't drop babies.
You feeling it? 'Cause my skin
is so sensitive right now.
I know. I do. Oh, my gosh.
I was in a boys' home
for a couple years
when I was like, 14, 15.
Guys in there would all...
Did what was called
a circle jerk.
They said it always feels better
when somebody else
whacks their shit.
Hey, Mani. What's up?
Get in. Swim to me, man.
Join us, buddy.
We've been waiting for you.
How's our girl?
Yeah. How's she doing?
She's just taking a walk.
She's doing good.
That's good. Here.
Doing all right.
Thank you. Appreciate that.
Oh, that feels good.
Yeah. Doesn't it?
I bet, after everything. Mm-hm.
- Hey, what happened?
- What happened?
What happened?
Oh... Heh.
It was those flowers
you gave us at the airport,
they attracted...
a group of bees. Yeah.
She said she saw the biggest bee
she's ever seen
and it-it stung her.
She said it was like
getting stabbed.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Actually, the bigger the bee,
the more docile they are,
generally speaking.
And they hurt less.
What was that,
champ? Can you project, please?
Use your diaphragm, Lev.
The bigger the bee... Uh-huh.
...the more docile they are,
generally speaking.
There are some insects, though,
that will, um... Yeah.
Oh, no, no. No.
No, no. No, no.
No, no, I have... No, no.
I have... Tengo dinero.
No, no. No.
No.
Okay. No.
Do you want it back? No, no, no.
Por favor. Please! No.
Why are you spitting?
Hey. Oh, Mani, Mani, Mani.
Hey, man. What's up, Rob?
I have too much knowledge,
you know?
I'm a dictionary
and these motherfuckers
is playing Scrabble.
You know? Mm-hm.
Why are you and I
the same color,
but different colors? Huh?
Huh?
Yeah. Where's Shauna?
She's everywhere, man.
She's... She...
Her physical body is asleep,
because she micro-doses
and then she passes out.
She'll wake up hungry as fuck
and super horny, and she'll...
Get off of me!
Hey, Josh.
Oh, Mani. Hey.
Hi, Mani. What's up?
I wanna tell you something
that I wanna keep between us.
Do you know why some mama
wildcats eat their young?
Do you?
Uh... Hm?
You don't know the answer,
you don't open the flaps.
It's because they feel
malnourished and threatened.
And they don't feel safe
and they don't feel supported.
It's that simple.
I love you and I love Lex,
and so I wanted you to know
the key to everything.
Also wanted...
Oh, God. Oh, so sexy.
Oh, wow.
Oh, grab her ass.
Oh, so sexy. Oh, God. Okay.
Keep it together.
Okay. It's too much. Okay.
Hey. Lindsey? Josh? Huh?
Say something for the baby.
I don't know, my...
For the baby?
My mom, my adoptive mom,
is making me make a video
about the baby and...
Oh. Um... Hi, Baby Ani!
Hi, Annie! It's good to...
Ani. It's Baby Ani. Yeah.
Baby Ani, we love you,
We love you.
So much, and...
Get better.
Feel it in your bones
when it's the right time
to leave the hospital.
Is that it?
Yeah, yeah, that's it. Mani.
Do you wanna say something
for the baby that Lex dropped?
Hey, Ani. It's Uncle Mani.
Uh... Listen, Auntie Lex and I,
we are always
thinking about you,
and we are holding you
in our prayers.
We can't wait to see you again.
What?
No, it's just a bold move.
To stand by your female
like that
while she's clearly lying to you
because she doesn't respect you.
What?
But beta is the new alpha,
right?
No, I mean, beta's in, right?
I heard you. It's a joke.
Yeah. I'm being sarcastic.
Uh-huh.
Find that bee sting yet?
No sting, no dick.
That's my advice.
Thank you.
Oh, Lord. Oh, perfect.
Hey.
Lex, Lex, Lex.
Brought you a taco.
Eat up, baby.
Here you go. Here you go, baby.
What are you doing out here,
baby?
I got a message that
something was wrong with me.
Okay.
But I feel better right now.
Good. Good.
I'm glad you feel better.
So let's get you inside
and get you some clothes.
Where are your clothes?
Behind the...
Behind the gray rock.
Oh, it's so pitchy.
It's, like...
It's very hard to hear.
Mm...
I blacked out.
Wow. How...
How long did you practice that?
That was our first time.
We just made it up.
Well, good job. Yerp.
You know,
we've been feeling very...
ahem, selfish.
Selfish lately. Lately.
With us just keeping this
property just to ourselves.
Yeah.
It's funny,
we've just begun discussing
the possibility of bringing on
some likeminded investors
who are in...
In the family.
Yeah. Somebody who's
in spiritual alignment
with our mission here.
Wow.
I'm sure you'll find that.
Hey. Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
You guys doing okay?
We're good.
That didn't look right.
Sand flea bites hurt really bad.
Yeah?
Yeah.
But they're, like,
not as bad as the bee sting.
That was, like,
the worst pain of my life, so...
I don't think
I'm allergic or anything.
Ow!
Ooh. I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay.
Okay, are we good?
Yeah. We're good.
You're gonna use my toothbrush?
Is that okay? Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
It's just funny...
because I remember reminding you
about packing your toothbrush.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You did. Sorry.
Yeah.
You want a turn?
Guess who's ovulating?
Lucky you. Yeah.
Wake up, little guy. Big guy.
Wake up.
Oh, yeah.
Does that feel good? Get it to...
You're not really like...
Do you wanna try doggy
or something?
Do it until it get hard.
Do it until it get hard.
Do it until it get hard.
Stop saying that. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you feel it?
Yeah.
How about now?
Yeah. You got this.
Put a baby in me, baby. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Let's make some twins.
Oh, yeah.
Let's make some triplets.
I'mma make them identical.
Knock me up.
It's getting me hard, baby.
Yeah.
It's getting me hard.
Put it in.
I'm losing it. Losing it.
You want a blow job?
Yeah. Can you suck it?
Little blowie?
Can you suck it? Thank you.
This has never happened before.
Hey, schmoog.
Hey.
Here I come.
Coming for you.
The love monster.
You don't have to feel bad.
It's so not a big deal.
And I know I was kind of crazy
last night.
I feel so much better now,
and you don't have to worry
about me anymore, okay?
And just relax. Gonna party.
We're gonna...
There's the laugh.
It's gonna be so fun.
Fuck you.
Love you. You're stupid.
This is tocino de betabel.
Which is a beetroot bacon
that we make here
on the property.
That's good. Thank you.
And I don't know
if you've had these before,
but these are huevos de tortuga,
a sea turtle egg that
we forage here on the property.
Those are
endangered, I'm pretty sure.
For the new website. Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Can you ask her to delete that,
please?
Okay. Calm down.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, that's... Hey, Lindsey? Hm?
The photo you just took?
We feel uncomfortable
with things like that
because of the
geolocation... Yeah.
We've had a lot of people...
It's a beautiful shot.
You wanna see it, or...?
No. Guys, it's just for...
It's our friends.
Oh, yes! It's just, you know...
The website.
This is beautiful...
I'll delete it.
Thanks. You're the best.
No problem, no problem.
Okay, great.
Good vibes only.
Lindsey. Hm?
Can you delete that photo too?
It was mostly the...
Sounded like you took another.
The idea was...
It was mostly the food.
What I'm gonna need you to do...
I deleted it. Lindsey?
Can you just go into your
recently deleted folder
and delete all?
All the way.
I need you to clear it.
I say this
from the bottom of my heart,
are you fucking kidding me?
Lindsey...
All right. I'll do it.
Babe, babe, babe.
I'm just getting upset.
We put a nice... These are...
- It's everybody's vacation.
- Exactly.
We want everyone to feel
comfortable. So there we go.
You're awesome. You could be...
Hey, guys.
Yo! Hi, Mani.
Be supportive.
Guys, welcome. Welcome, friends.
Thanks.
Look at you, you look...
You look.
Wow. Thanks.
I know you guys all saw me last
night. I'm so embarrassed.
- A little cuckoo.
- We did, but...
No, we just...
To be completely honest,
I don't even...
It's okay. Um...
I was really nervous
about facing all of you.
Um...
And so I kind of just wanted
to go in the ocean and just...
you know, be gone forever,
sort of.
Please don't do that
to yourself.
- We love you so much. So much.
- I love you guys.
And I just wanna say that
you're always there for me.
Always. Always.
And I thank you. Seriously.
I'm here for you, baby. Okay?
- How are you doing, buddy?
- I'm good.
She's good, I'm good. So...
So amazing.
We don't really ask men
how they're doing enough.
True.
Well, it's a societal thing.
A big night for everybody. Yeah.
It was a weird day. ALL: Yes.
Right? Like, was it weird?
We can all agree.
All right. It was weird.
I'm glad someone said it.
It was fucking weird.
So that's just...
That's how I feel.
I'll also say this.
Like, you know,
when we got off the plane...
I was so excited to be here.
And I remember holding the baby
and feeling...
Feeling
really, like, ready to be a dad.
Aw...
Yes.
It felt really good, man.
Oh!
Look who it is!
- It's all your friends.
- Look at her hat.
Oh, my God. Look at her hat.
Look at her amazing hat.
This is her fancy new hat
that she has to wear
for a little while.
Three months. Three months.
- Okay.
- That's a long time.
But she's okay? She's okay.
- I'm really sorry.
- It's okay.
Accidents happen,
and everything is fine.
Do you wanna go say hi
to Auntie Lex?
I don't want you to feel like
you have to do that because...
No, she's okay. You're safe.
You're safe. It's okay.
Yes. Yes. Yup.
It's okay.
Hi, honey.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Can I give you a kiss? Is that
okay? Can I give you a kiss?
Right on the little helmet.
Can I give you a little kiss?
Okay. All right. Back to Mama.
Back to Mama. Good job. Okay.
Sorry. Yeah, I...
We haven't eaten yet
and I guess that was like a...
hungry burp.
I don't know where
I come up with ideas like this,
but I definitely have learned
to get out of their way
when they come into the dome.
The restaurant
is called Starved.
What we do, we lock you in
a dark room for 48 hours, right?
No light, no food, no water.
It's wet.
I'd take your clothes if I
could, but that'd be illegal.
Actually surprised,
'cause this is
kind of new for you
and your natural lifestyle.
Oh, well, I do dabble sometimes,
but just with plant drugs, so...
I let you out.
And I give you
one single red ripe tomato.
Ah.
One tomato.
That's it?
Exactly.
Yeah, this is a...
What is it? Cacao plant?
Is that what it is?
Oh, that's chocolate.
Oh, I definitely...
I can't have chocolate.
That's very bad for me.
So this is coco, from Colombia.
Okay.
I'm so happy we found love,
because...
Man, I don't know about you,
Josh,
but when Lex and I broke up,
I was...
I mean... Fucking destroyed.
Devastated. Fucking destroyed.
And the chemical connection
we had was out of this world.
She said to me, and, you know,
we've talked about this.
She said that, sexually, she'd
never been satisfied by anyone
the way that, you know,
I had, but...
I think she said that
to everybody.
Best sex of my life.
Come here.
You're great. I miss you.
I miss you too. Yeah.
You know, you always think
you're gonna be
one of those moms.
"No, everything's gonna be
the same.
I'm just gonna have this new
person in my life." But no.
No. Different place.
The world is a different place.
My eyes have been opened.
Yes. I mean,
before I adopted Levi,
I was so selfish, you know?
Yeah. I know.
And now, I mean,
everything I do
is for everybody else.
Sure. So I get it.
Are you sure you're actually
wanting to have a baby?
Yes.
Okay. Yes. Yeah.
That's very good, 'cause,
you know, it's like suicide.
What?
Well, you know, things you can't
undo in your life.
Okay. Having a baby,
committing suicide,
renouncing your US citizenship
for a dream.
So you're sure? I'm sure. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
Why do you keep...? Yes.
I don't know. There's an energy
I want multiple.
I'm getting
that's just a little resistant.
There was this one
case, Gerard Watkins.
It was an attempted robbery.
He killed a guy in a convenience
store and it was just...
I was like, "Yeah, but does he
deserve to die for that?"
And, you know,
we fought for him.
He got a lighter sentence.
He's still around.
And then I was like, "Wait
a second. A man was murdered.
He has a mom. He was once a baby
in that mom's arms."
Gerard should've died.
And that man's mom
should have watched him die,
and she should have decided
how painful it gets to be.
Like, you know that
death rattle they talk about?
She should have gotten
to feel the death rattle.
My husband will never
not be sweating.
He's a little moist, yeah.
We moved to an island,
and now he's just
forever dripping.
Yeah.
And you laugh, but honestly,
we're having problems
sexually because of it.
I don't know
what it is down here.
If it's the heat,
or if it's the stress of running
a hospitality business, or...
if it's just something
she's been eating.
But it's gotten worse...
and worse and worse,
and now it's really like...
It's as if we're about
to be intimate
and my husband's
just been through a carwash,
but his body is the car.
And I just...
For me, my arousal
goes to an all-time low.
And it's funny because he's
the wettest he's ever been
and I couldn't be drier.
I just miss the old smell
of my wife's vagina.
I hate my life.
What? I just...
I wish sometimes that I could
just be in the middle of a mall.
I wanna go to the movies and
I wanna watch a Marvel movie.
And I wanna root for the...
The man who flies who's red.
The...
Superman.
I wanna root for Superman.
Yeah, no. Yeah.
And wear deodorant or...
Well, I wear deodorant.
Yes. No, I know.
And I love my deodorant.
I would never put aluminum
on my body.
No, no, no, no, no.
I make it with this arrowroot
powder and a hint of mint.
Oh...
And there's a coconut base...
I can make you some,
if you'd like.
Yes. Thank you.
It smells so bad.
Have you ever tried
durian fruit?
All right. It's experimental,
but I know it does work.
Try turmeric paste.
You're gonna have to apply it
directly to the labia.
Okay. Okay. All right.
We're done.
I don't wanna have
this conversation anymore.
It makes me uncomfortable.
So I would appreciate it if we
wouldn't talk about
our wives' vaginas.
Please? Thank you.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
Josh, like...
Women at an early age are taught
to be ashamed of their vaginas,
so it kind of felt like you were
doing some misogynistic attack.
How would you like if your wife
made fun of your smelly dick?
If you had a smelly dick.
How would it make you feel?
Would it make you feel bad?
It'd make you feel bad?
Don't touch me, man!
You, the idea for your
restaurant is morally offensive.
Move.
Fuck. What the fuck?
Can I sit here?
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I don't even have the words,
really, to...
say how sorry that I am.
But I'm totally fine if you
don't want me to write the vows,
or even come to the ceremony.
Ah!
Lex? Lex? I love you.
I love you.
Lex, I love you.
And one day you're gonna have
your own beautiful baby.
You are.
I know it. I know these things.
And I'm gonna be the godmother,
because who else would it be?
And you have to write the vows.
Who else
is gonna write the vows?
Me? Yeah.
You're gonna write the vows,
'cause you can't
let me down again.
You can't cross Mia twice.
And I love you. I do. But...
I love you.
I miss what we had physically.
I know. I know.
I see it in your eyes.
But, Lex, I'm getting married.
Oh... I'm getting married.
So you're gonna write the vows,
and we're gonna have
those memories forever.
Okay? Yeah.
Mia, where's the gun?
Don't worry about the gun.
The gun is safe.
I put the gun...
The gun knows where it is.
It's safe.
It's so pretty.
Yeah.
You okay?
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine.
Okay. But I'm just...
I don't want people to keep
asking me if I'm okay. I'm...
Sorry.
I just don't wanna be
on this boat anymore.
I wanna go home. I don't
wanna be with these people.
Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.
I think that it's fine.
I don't think anyone will care
if we head back now.
You can stay. I'll be fine.
I'm just gonna swim.
What?
I'm gonna swim.
I think that the shore
is probably much farther away
than it looks,
and you're not
a super strong swimmer, so...
Don't do it.
Be careful!
What's he doing?
He just wanted to swim.
Hi.
Hey, bud.
You didn't go on the boat?
No. I'm on Accutane,
so I can't, really.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Of course. Sure. Yeah.
What's going on?
So you're a lesbian?
I am, yes.
You're not attracted
to men whatsoever?
You're not bi? I am... Nope.
I am only interested in women.
I'm only interested in Mia,
hence the wedding.
Congratulations.
Thank you. Thanks.
And you're a doctor, right?
I am. I'm an Ob-Gyn.
You're a gynecologist?
Mm-hm. Yeah. Good.
That's good.
'Cause this is medical.
It's not a sexual thing.
It's a medical thing.
Sure. Yeah. It's medical.
What's going on?
So medically speaking...
Mm-hm? Um...
how long can the teenage penis
endure without a release?
Hm...
Well...
Damn it.
Wow.
You're back.
That took so long. Um...
I am freaking out right now
because I still
have to do the cake,
and I thought it was gonna be
for the wedding,
but it's a sunrise wedding
and they actually want it
for the rehearsal dinner,
because they don't like the
idea of cake for breakfast,
which I do, so...
But that's okay.
I'm just kind of rushing around.
Um... And I finished the vows.
If you wouldn't mind reading
them, that'd be good.
Well, yeah.
I swam for three hours.
I know.
You're so impressive, babe.
And I watched you,
the little orange dot.
I was like, "Is he okay?"
But I watched to make sure
you were.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did, babe.
What's going on with you?
Okay. Things have been...
You're very dirty.
A little intense lately, right?
And I just wanna make sure
that you're okay.
Can I kiss you?
Don't be sad.
So if you wanna just rest and...
I have to go do the cake.
I'm so sorry.
But can we talk about...?
I really do wanna talk about it.
Okay. I love you. I'm sorry.
And please don't... Sorry.
You're gonna hate me.
Please don't sit on the bed.
But I love you.
I'll see you soon.
Sorry. Love you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hi.
Hi, Lex. What's going on?
Circle of life.
Sorry?
Circle of life!
"Use the sawdust
to cover what you give
and we'll give it back to you
in our vegetable garden."
No, thank you.
That's a no.
That's a hard fucking no.
Oh,
sweetheart. Are you having doubts?
I don't know.
I'm just wondering, really.
Well, we didn't know right away.
It took us a little while
to figure it out.
But then, at some point,
I think my body told me
I was ready.
Did you ever feel, like,
something anti-that
in your body?
Uh, no, no. I think I felt that
if I didn't have a baby,
it would be like taking an ax
and chopping down
the family tree.
You know, you have to think
of all the people
who came before us,
who, you know, had to survive
just to get to this moment.
Potato famine, the Oregon Trail,
your grandfather
storming the beaches
at Normandy under gunfire.
And, you know,
if that doesn't move you,
then, darling, I think you need
to think about
what's fair to Mani.
Two, three, four.
Hey.
Everyone.
Guitar solo.
Are we still doing our thing?
Mm-hm.
Do you wanna practice our lines?
No.
You're being very cold with me.
Is there a reason?
Wow. Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Mia.
We're here to share
our hearts with you
as you share your hearts
with each other.
And in order to do that tonight,
all we're gonna ask of you
is to pick up
the love gourd here, uh...
which was gifted to me
by Russell Brand in 2009,
and once held the ashes
of one of the women
from the Triangle
Shirtwaist Factory.
Um...
The popular tragedy
of the mid-1920s.
So now, without further ado,
I'm gonna introduce the gal
who brought us all here,
to perform some excerpts
from her one-woman show,
Number One on the Call Sheet,
Shauna Alessandra Mahogany
Renee Roberts.
It's 6 a.m.
and my assistant calls.
The driver's been downstairs
for nearly an hour
and I have cold cream on my face
and not an ounce of espresso
in my body.
What do I do?
I rush down those stairs
because I'm a professional.
A what?
P-R-O-fessional.
I was just wondering,
do you remember when
you used to babysit me
and then we would eat
a lot of mac and cheese?
Yeah. We ate a lot
of mac and cheese.
Cool. Yeah. Me too. I remember.
But I still can't
perspire in any way because
the paparazzi is lurking
in the bushes.
Or is that a homeless man?
You can never know.
I knew it was gonna be
a hard day
when my favorite AD
got moved to the second unit.
I didn't know how hard
it was gonna be
until that bitch, Jerry,
knocked on my trailer door.
Without my heart,
the show cannot go on!
People always tell me:
"Shauna, you're the reason
Kamala Harris made it
to the White House."
I don't know about that,
but I did play the president
for nine Emmy award-winning
seasons.
And they say you cannot be it
unless you see it.
And she did see it.
She sent me an e-mail.
So now, in this moment,
bear witness to the rebirth
of Shauna Roberts.
I don't know
how I'm gonna follow that.
I wanna welcome
our gracious hosts here tonight
to say some lovely words
and share in the celebration.
Please welcome to the gourd
Joshua and Lindsey.
Let's do it.
Love you both.
Love you. Thank you, brother.
And thank you, sister.
Now, tonight, we have
a question for all of you.
Are you tired of this?
Are you tired of all of this?
Honk. Honk, honk.
Taxi cab. Taxi cab.
Taxi. Taxi cab.
Ring, ring. Cell phones.
Cell phones everywhere.
Cell phones.
Cell phones everywhere.
You're supposed to pick up
everywhere.
You're working around the clock.
It's 3:00. It's 4:00.
It's 5. It's 6. It's 11, 12.
It's 10, it's 11.
And I don't know
where the day went by.
Every hour, you're working.
We have the solution.
We have the solution for you.
Unlimited fresh mangoes.
Lex? Yeah?
So back when you babysat me
and then we were eating
the mac and cheese,
do you remember the time when
we were watching Space Jam?
Like, the original Space Jam?
And then I accidentally spilled
the whole bowl of noodles
on my lap
and you had to wipe them off?
I'm not sure. I don't know.
I can fall asleep at any
moment here. Anytime.
If I concentrate hard enough.
So we have... Palapas.
Palapa, palapa, palapa, palapa,
palapa, palapa, palapa, palapa.
And then you walk down
to the beach.
And this could be you,
in your birthday suit,
naked on your own private beach.
When, at the time that you were
wiping the cheesy noodles
off of my crotch...
I mean, do you remember
what was going through your head
in that moment?
I don't know.
...if you wanted to
be a fuller part of our family.
What?
Sole ownership,
that's for someone who wants
the whole pizza pie.
The whole pizza pie
by themselves.
I hate this. It's okay.
It's not okay.
Are you seeing this?
And then there's fractional...
Fractional ownership.
Fractional ownership.
And that's for someone who says,
"I just want a slice."
It's just a little intense,
and...
What? What?
Everybody's just asking me...
You're not sharing
in a shared experience.
What is everyone asking you?
If you're a Republican.
- So you'll notice here...
- All right. Hey.
Your invest...
As the money goes up...
As the money...
Stress goes down.
Lex. Lex?
Yeah?
Can you just tell me to brush
my teeth and go to bed?
Does anybody else think that
we're embarrassing ourselves?
I need the love gourd because...
Please? Just like you used
to do when you babysat me.
- ...of love and safety.
- We're sharing our time.
You know what? I'm gonna need
the fucking love...
Oh, really? Really?
Give me... Ah!
You know what?
Brush your teeth and go to bed.
- My armpits. Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry. I...
Look, I'm sorry you feel
that way, Josh.
You tell your wife
to get the fuck away from me
or I'm gonna chop her in
the throat. You back up!
Hey. You really fucked this up.
I love you, but this is
all your fault,
so I'm gonna need you to take
this gourd and fix it, okay?
Okay. Just...
Mani?
Oh, my God.
I have an announcement.
I'm a libertarian.
There. You happy?
But what about roads,
and bridges, and stuff?
Fine. Shauna,
I've been faking my orgasms.
I know.
I'm in.
You're what?
I'm in. I love the vision.
The stuff about
escaping technology,
it really spoke to me.
Do you accept Dogecoin?
Deal.
What's a Dogecoin?
Hey, Mani? Go away.
I'm in heels, babe.
Hey, can you stop?
Mani.
Why won't you talk to me?
Mani. What?
Did you do this on purpose?
Do what on purpose?
The only thing
I've ever cared about
was starting a family together,
and you went and dropped it
on the fucking concrete.
There was a bee that was...
Shut the fuck up about the bee.
I... Yeah. I...
I get that, but I just need
to tell you this,
'cause you don't really know
the whole thing,
and you're gonna hate me after,
but I just have to tell you
'cause it's the truth.
Um, the bee or whatever
the fuck it was
that was coming towards me
scared me.
And I went to swat it away,
and when I did I forgot
that I was holding the baby.
It didn't even sting me.
I was just scared.
I dropped her to protect myself.
So that's the kind of person
I am.
That was not...
That's not who you are.
I just don't think
I can have a baby right now.
I don't think... I don't think...
I don't know that I can
have a baby ever.
You'd be a great father.
And you deserve that chance.
And if that's what you need...
I don't know
that we can be together.
Every decision, every choice...
that we've ever made
in our lives
has brought us to this perfect,
momentous, joyous moment.
We're lucky, we're blessed,
to witness the commitment
of Peggy and Mia.
Lex has written vows
for Peggy and Mia to recite,
which we'll do now.
Our time together
on this Earth is short.
Our time together
on this Earth is short.
But when I'm with you,
I catch a glimpse of
the infinite, and I am in awe.
But when I'm with you,
I catch a glimpse
of the infinite,
and I am in awe.
You are my best friend,
my ally, my family.
You are my best
friend, my ally, my family.
I vow to hold your heart sacred
and to treat it with care.
I vow to hold your heart sacred
and to treat it with care.
I vow to forgive your faults
and to be worthy
of your forgiveness.
I vow to forgive your faults
and to be worthy
of your forgiveness.
I vow to see you
and to see our love every day
with fresh eyes.
I vow to see
you and to see our love
every day with fresh eyes.
I vow to be your
partner here on Earth...
and to look for you
in whatever form comes after.
I vow to be your
partner here on Earth,
and to look for you
in whatever form comes after.
And should it turn
out that after is only darkness...
then I vow that
this was worth it.
I say that this
was all worth it.
It was worth it.
All of it.
And now,
by the power vested in me
by the Universal Life Church,
I now pronounce you wife
and wife, partners for life.
You may kiss the bride.
Yes!
Yes!
Excuse me.
Okay. Ready? Mommy has a gun.
Mommy has a gun.
And boom!
Okay.
All right. All right.
Take it. Take it.
¿Qué pasa?
Oh, I'm fine.
My wife left me.
Here.
Aquí.
Si.
Si.
Yeah. Si.
Oh.
Si.
Yeah, we broke up.
Yeah. Sometimes things
aren't meant to be, so...
Yeah, I like my peppers hot.
Okay. Let's do it. To family.
I know something's missing.
I just don't know what it is.
I don't mind being there
for Lex.
I never minded that.
That's our thing.
When we had to move to L.A.
when her dad died,
I was right there.
God, like, loving that woman
is the easiest thing
that I've ever done.
So why is it so hard now?
I do have a big heart.
Grande.
Wow! Mm-hm.
Yeah. I got you.
I'm really gonna miss you guys.
Thank you so much for having me.
Mmm!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Yes, sir. Hey, come here, man.
Thank you. Appreciate that.
Abuela.
Thank you. Thank you.
Appreciate that so much.
Thank you.
I'm gonna miss your cooking.
Thank you.
Appreciate that. Thank you.
Hold on. Sorry.
Oh, wow, I gotta go.
Thank you, all.
You all changed my life.
I love you.
Bye!
Mani. Baby.
Okay. Look, I've thought a lot about it,
and I will confess. I did
drop you. Once. Maybe twice.
Two times max.
Is this why you moved
so far away from family?
You're gonna be late, guys.
Plane's gonna leave.
We gotta go.
I'm not leaving without him,
Lex!
What the fuck?
Baby.
Shauna, can you fuck off
so I can talk to my wife?
Thank you. Sure.
As a matter of fact,
can you all fuck off?
Okay. Come on.
I was up all night
waiting for you.
I almost called the police.
You weren't picking up
your fucking phone.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah.
Okay. There's so much
that I need to... Fuck off!
What did you wanna tell me?
Lex...
I...
hate Los Angeles.
And I know you named your
bakery Carbs ironically,
but I don't wanna live in
a city that thinks that's funny.
I wanna go back to Brooklyn.
And I love you,
but you're not enough.
I mean, it's too much pressure.
And what I'm trying to say is
I wanna see my family
and I wanna be around my family.
That's what I'm missing.
It was foolish of me
to expect you
to be everything in my life...
because I can't be everything
in your life.
However, we can be
the most important thing.
That's it? Is that it?
I can do that.
I like New York. I can...
I can open up a bakery there.
It doesn't need to be
an ironic name.
But what about kids?
'Cause I can't guarantee that.
And if you need them,
then you shouldn't...
You shouldn't be with me.
That is okay. A baby isn't
the only way to have a family.
I love you.
I missed you so much.
I love you.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
- Your boobs got bigger.
- You wish.
I'm just bloated
because of the tacos.
You've got taco boobs?
Is that what happens
when you eat tacos?
Oh!
It's okay. It's okay, babe.
I'm sorry. No, no, no.
Okay.
We're gonna do one big push.
Let it come.
Good. Good. Oh, my God.
You know, she's a little lazy,
so she's...
You gotta give her a little...
Okay. We love you.
We do. We love you.
Breathe. And I love you.
You're so sweet.
Okay, breathe.
No, no, no, no. Here it comes.
One more big push.
Did I do it?
Is the baby here? Honey?
It's just poop.
It's just poop, baby.
I need to do the thing
where I'm...
Oh. Yeah.
Can you just pull out slow?
Yeah. I'll do it, do it slow.
Yeah.
All right. Doing it slow.
Are you Kegeling?
Kegel, Kegel...
One
million sperm will make the trip.
Some won't return back home.
One million sperm. Sperm. Whoo.
You're so cute. You're so cute.
Babe? Yeah?
I'm freaking out
because Peggy and Mia asked me
to write their vows,
and I already
have to make their cake.
It's extremely overwhelming.
Oh, your friends are already
stressing me out.
I know, I'm sorry.
I don't wanna go
to this wedding.
I just wanna stay here with you.
We ought to tell them
we got food poisoning.
Yes. That our butts hurt.
Yes. There's no cure.
Yes.
What if instead
we go to New York
and we surprise my mom
for her birthday?
Are you being serious right now?
We can't not go.
Oh, I... No, I thought you
didn't wanna go.
Do you not wanna go?
Of course I wanna go.
Happy birthday!
Hi! Mwah, mwah, mwah!
How you doing, baby? Mwah, mwah.
I love you. How you doing?
Oh, I love you too.
Why you screening my calls?
I vow to cherish you.
I vow to be your rock.
Which is so cliché.
Your rock. God.
Fucking hate this.
Look at this spread, baby.
Look at that.
Man, this potato batter
is freaking good.
It looks so good.
What you eating?
I know it's not as good
as what we having here.
I got juice. Juice? What?
Yeah, it's good
for the uterine lining.
You know I'm trying
to make you a grandbaby.
What's wrong
with your uterine lining?
We love you, baby.
You got one more
family function to miss
before you're out the will.
Don't even show up
at the reading.
I'll be at the next one.
I promise. I'm just kidding.
Love?
Sorry. What time is our flight?
Seriously, you're
hanging out with Lex's friends
over your family? We got to go.
I love you all so much. I will
talk to y'all real, real soon.
Okay? I love you. I miss you.
Happy birthday, Mom.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
We gotta go right now.
You got everything? Yeah.
Deodorant? Yeah.
Razor? Uh-huh.
Toothbrush?
Yeah.
Vacation time.
Let's go.
Okay...
Good job. I did it. I did it.
Two containers? LEX: Yup.
Okay.
What should I do with them?
Eat them. JK.
Because I will eat them.
Please don't.
That good? Yes, thank you.
Lexie, I want you
to have such a good time
with your college friends.
I want you to relax
and I want you to...
Oh, have sex? She means sex.
Stop.
Thanks. Thank you so much
for helping out.
Oh, you're so welcome.
And you, my handsome friend,
you gotta do me one favor.
I want a beautiful
milk-chocolate baby, okay?
Mom? I have to report
you to Human Resources.
Oh, yeah. I'll see you, okay?
Have fun, guys.
Please, just go, go, go.
Look at these hips, Ma.
I can't even leave you...
Babe. There you go.
There you go. You're off.
Whoa-dee-doe. Whoa-dee-doe.
United States does not negotiate
with terrorists.
We don't negotiate with
terrorists. You're right.
But terrorists are people too.
They were once babies
who suckled at the breasts
of their mothers.
They laughed, they cried,
and they dreamt
of a brighter future.
Let this man go.
And I promise you,
as president of the United
States, you have my word.
Together we will build
a better future.
Secure the cockpit.
It's a solid episode.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the airplane episode.
I remember I won my first Emmy
for that one.
No, I know. I saw you
were watching your show.
That's my good-luck charm
on flights.
Yeah. Well... Yeah.
Oh, thank you so much
for the first-class flights.
Oh... Amazing. Amazing.
I've never been,
and now my cake has a seat.
Please, I had the
points. It was easy. Yeah.
You're coming down
Punakha Mountain without oxygen.
You have a choice to make.
You can succumb to the mountain
or you can reach out to the gods
and you can do something
exceptional,
and right at that moment,
I get a call on the sat phone
from Steve Jobs.
What? Oh, I thought he...
Didn't he die?
I think he sensed
it was nearing his end,
because he wanted to connect
with me in our corporeal forms
before he moved on
to the next plane,
and he says to me, he goes:
"Robbie, nobody wants a stylist.
Don't be a stylist. Be a finger.
And from whence the direction
of your digit goes,
your destiny will be revealed."
It's okay.
Your mommy's right here. I know.
I'm trying to write Mia
and Peggy's vows right now
and I'm really struggling.
I know. I know.
Who asks someone
to write their own vows?
Which I'm super honored,
but I'm just...
It feels a little cheese.
You okay, sweetie?
Oh, yeah. I'm good.
She feels relaxed watching that?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this is...
It's a classic.
Good. I'm glad. I'm fine, baby.
Oh, my God. Okay, so Mia?
I saw her filling out paperwork
to carry a gun in her luggage.
There's absolutely no way. Yeah.
She is the most liberal person
that I know.
She was a part
of the Innocence Project.
I think parenting
changes some people.
I respect your choices,
and I respect your freedom.
You don't think she...?
No. No, I mean,
that would be crazy.
You know what I was gonna say?
Yeah, that she voted for...
I don't think so. No.
That is...
And I said, "Steve,
I'm in Bhutan.
I literally don't have
the oxygen
to have this conversation
right now.
Can you text it to me?"
And he goes, "I don't
actually really know
how to use my phone."
And so I explain to him:
"Why don't you just dictate
what you wanna say to me
into your phone,
and then I can read it
on my end?"
Is that where he got
the idea from?
Shauna, I just wanted
to thank you again
for all your help with
the wedding. Yeah.
We probably just would have gone
to a courthouse or something.
So this feels pretty cool,
to bring all the friends
back together.
You're so welcome.
You guys deserve it.
It's truly my pleasure.
You like that? Eat my ass, daddy.
Yeah. I'm about to
go and eat that ass up, girl.
Eat it, come on.
Hey, Levi. You might wanna
plug those headphones in.
Hey, Peggy. Or you can go back
to your own seat
and use your own headphones.
Levi is exploring.
Totally, yeah.
We're a sex-positive family.
Cool. All right. Um...
All right. Enjoy your flight.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom,
okay?
Yeah, take that dick, girl.
Fuck me, daddy. Oh, yeah.
What the fuck?
Oh, harder. Yeah.
Take all that dick, girl.
Come on.
Oh, thanks, Mani.
Oh, this is so fun.
You good?
Yeah, I'm good. Thank you.
All right. Well,
I have a gift for you.
Ooh.
From a local designer,
I got these myself.
Gorgeous. They are beautiful.
Every little touch is amazing.
Mani? Yeah?
Can I just give you these?
For a sec? Yeah. Of course.
Oh, can you be super careful?
I know you're gonna be,
but just...
Of course. I got it. I got it.
Let's just get you...
You sure? Really... Yes.
Oh, I'm joking. I got it.
I got it. Don't be...
It's okay. It's okay.
Hi.
Oh, hi. How's it going?
Good. I'm just
checking in on you.
Oh, I'm great. Mm?
I'm here, so I'm great.
Yeah. How are you?
Great. No, yeah, I'm just...
Yeah, we're really good. Yeah.
I was thinking
about it recently, you're...
You're the first woman
I was ever with, I realized.
And the first person I ever
truly opened my heart up to.
I mean, that was the first time
I was in love, with you.
Me too, in a lot of ways. Yeah.
That's really the reason
I wanted you to write our vows.
No pressure.
But I'm honored and I'm excited.
Well, thank you.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Next.
Oh, I'm up.
Hola. Hola. ¿Que tal?
Perfecto. Muchas gracias.
Have a good day. You too.
So a gun?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
When I was pregnant with Ani,
I just watched a lot
of true crime.
Did you know most neighborhoods
have a sex offender
who just hasn't committed
a crime yet?
Where are they?
I don't know. I'm texting.
Hey, Josh and Lindsey's place
has terrible reviews.
Look at this.
"Went for a romantic walk
with my wife,
celebrating 25 years."
Congratulations. "Found a body."
Oh, that took a turn.
He did like the shrimp, though.
Good to see you, man.
How you doing, man?
Goodness. Hi.
Hi. I'm so excited.
Oh, my God. Cutie. There she is.
Oh, you smell fabulous.
You are very sticky.
Oh, my God. I am.
You're not wearing shoes
at the airport?
No, I'm wearing shoes.
We've got bags.
Honey, I need a hand
with this seat.
It's a little bit
of a situation.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I got you.
Hey, Mani. Yeah.
Sorry, would you just
grab her for just one second?
Yeah. Yeah, go to Mani.
Filled up the boxes, but there's
some bungee cords in there.
What? Where? What's up there?
Hmm?
Honey. It's the airplane.
Can I hold?
Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
What?
Oh, no!
Mani, help me!
Is she okay? Is she okay?
I need a cranial pediatrician.
A cranial pediatrician. Cranial.
Does it hurt?
Hey, guess what?
The flower crowns were a hit.
I know. Everybody was like,
"Shauna, you did it again."
It's not about credit,
you know, it's just... Yeah.
Sorry, there is a plug
right there,
so if I can just get to it...
My cell phone is muerte.
And just make sure they have
a vocal stance on pertussis.
Yeah.
What are you doing?
I asked you to get waters.
These are waters.
This is not totally
appropriate, Joshua.
Look, it's less waste
and I think some people
will appreciate it.
We are in a hospital,
not a hammock.
Come here.
Come here. Come on. Come on.
Bring it in. All right.
Hey, breathe. That's it.
Do you want a coconut?
No, I'm okay.
Okay. Got them if you want some.
Coconut?
No, those smell awful.
Feel your heart,
okay? Let me just feel your heart.
You're fine. Breathe.
Hey, guys.
Do you want a coconut?
No, thank you, Josh.
A little hydration after...
It's okay.
Josh? Thanks, buddy. Thank you.
Deeply, deeply inappropriate.
Okay, man.
Yup. Oh, great. Thanks, man.
All right. Mani's here.
Mani's gonna take care of you.
He's got it.
Here. We're okay. We're okay.
I was holding her and then...
And then I heard, like,
a buzzing and I...
There was a bee.
I felt...
I felt the sting.
I felt a sting, it really hurt.
And then I saw a bee
and then I looked down,
and I thought,
"Where's the baby?" And then...
Hey, guys. Hey.
She's okay.
They're gonna keep her overnight
for observation just to be safe,
but she is totally fine.
Everything's looking good.
Really good.
Yeah, she is very resilient.
Babies are.
Is Mia...? Do you mind if I just
say a very quick hi to...
I don't think that's
the best idea right now.
Totally. Yeah.
But what you should do is just
go to the hotel, you know,
unpack and settle in.
And get the party started and
we'll keep you posted, okay?
Peggy, Peggy, you don't want
a coconut, do you?
Oh, why, yes, I do. Thank you.
I need the electrolytes.
Oh, that's refreshing.
No cervezas.
Um... In el baby.
Uh... In el hospital.
El accidente grande.
To, uh, cabeza.
Thwack.
La cabeza...
Thwack.
These need to be refrigerated.
Of course.
- I'm just gonna say it.
- Josh, say it.
I understand that
she didn't throw the baby.
No. But I feel like
there was something
consciously or subconsciously
violent about it.
Was she violent with you?
What, when we were together?
Yes. No.
I mean, consensually
a couple times,
but no, not at all.
Overall, very tender.
You know, we all just...
We all make mistakes,
it could have been me.
It could have been me.
I mean, it wouldn't be, because
I would never drop the baby,
but I, uh...
What the hell was that?
Hmm?
I went over and I got a chip
and I put it in my mouth.
Your eyes said
a thousand things,
and there was a very long pause
where you could fill in
and say I'm not a baby dropper.
Here is all I'm saying.
You have the potential within
you to be a baby dropper.
What? You're impatient
with me when I'm sick.
You're sick all the time.
I'm not fucking sick
all the time.
You're sick frequently.
I'm not frequently sick.
I'm occasionally sick.
I am normal person sick.
If I counted the times
you've had sunstroke when we've
been on this property...
What, four?
I can count them on one hand.
Four? You've had sunstroke
four times today.
Fuck you, Lindsey. Fuck you.
We're gonna rename this hotel
Sunstroke Josh Hotel.
That's a dumb name for a hotel.
Don't hit me with cilantro.
- You want a micro dose?
- Yes.
Yeah, I thought so.
Two, please.
Pop, pop.
Mm. Thank you. Thank you, baby.
Of course. Do you know
what turned me on?
What?
When Lexie dropped that baby...
Babe.
What? No, no, no.
What turned me on
was when I realized
that that's something
you would never do.
I would never do that.
How could you ever drop a baby?
I don't have it in me.
You cradle all the babies.
I do. Mm-hm.
And all I have to do
is take care of everyone else
and it's really hard.
Well, it's because
you are the light.
No, no, no, no, I mean...
We could. We could.
We could.
We... Should we?
Should we drop a baby?
Should we drop a baby
in the show?
We could drop a baby
in the show.
We could drop a baby in the
show, but I'd feel really bad.
I don't want Lex to feel like
we stole the story from her.
It's gonna feel very directly
related to what happened.
Truth be known, Lex is a writer.
That's true.
And, you know,
she understands talent,
she understands the muse.
When the spirit speaks,
you have to listen.
Wow, that's true. You're right.
Yeah. And also,
she dropped a baby.
This might be cathartic for her.
She did.
How many people
have dropped babies?
We could say it's public domain.
Yeah. Come on.
You know, like "Happy Birthday."
I love it.
I'm gonna kill her.
Honey, it was an accident.
It could have happened to me.
I'm gonna smash her head
with a concrete block
and drop her body in the ocean.
Do you think that maybe
you're just feeling
a little extra
overprotective lately?
Clearly I didn't do enough.
Someone dropped our baby
on the pavement.
It's just like, with the gun
and safety drills...
And I saw that you added
Joe Rogan
to the Spotify playlist
the other day.
What? What does that
have to do with anything?
Never mind, okay?
He's a gifted interviewer.
They got calamine lotion.
I don't really need that.
It's for your bee sting.
Where is it?
It doesn't hurt anymore.
What are you talking about?
Let me see.
It doesn't hurt, babe.
Let me see.
I don't wanna be touched
right now.
Lexie, where is it?
On my arm.
All right. Okay. Obviously.
I... Can you just give me
a little bit of space?
Don't be mad.
I'm not mad.
Then why are you so far away?
I didn't know I was far away.
Can you just get, like,
normal close?
Okay. I gotta take a walk.
Mm-hm.
The tip of
the tongue, the roof of the mouth,
the lips, and the teeth.
The tip of the tongue,
the roof of the mouth,
the lips, and the teeth.
What up, no-wanks?
Um...
I, uh... I forced myself
to watch three straight hours
of mid-'90s erotica
on the plane ride over here.
Hardest 180 minutes of my life.
It is our biological
imperative to spread,
not to waste our seed
and to reclaim our masculinity
and our manhood.
Men are meant to go out and hunt
and find their mates
and spread their seed.
That is why our mantra is
"Cum is for courtship."
Oh, by the way, the "Cum is
for courtship" bumper stickers,
they just got printed,
like, yesterday.
They are a fucking work of art.
Ma?
I just...
I wanted to ask you
a quick question.
Um...
Ma, like, how common is it
for someone to drop a baby?
You know, baby, it happens.
Sometimes parents are
overwhelmed, they're tired.
You know, a little too much
on the plate,
they may trip and fall,
drop the baby,
maybe the baby rolls off the
sofa when they're not looking,
but honestly, baby,
that's a white people thing.
Black people don't drop babies.
You feeling it? 'Cause my skin
is so sensitive right now.
I know. I do. Oh, my gosh.
I was in a boys' home
for a couple years
when I was like, 14, 15.
Guys in there would all...
Did what was called
a circle jerk.
They said it always feels better
when somebody else
whacks their shit.
Hey, Mani. What's up?
Get in. Swim to me, man.
Join us, buddy.
We've been waiting for you.
How's our girl?
Yeah. How's she doing?
She's just taking a walk.
She's doing good.
That's good. Here.
Doing all right.
Thank you. Appreciate that.
Oh, that feels good.
Yeah. Doesn't it?
I bet, after everything. Mm-hm.
- Hey, what happened?
- What happened?
What happened?
Oh... Heh.
It was those flowers
you gave us at the airport,
they attracted...
a group of bees. Yeah.
She said she saw the biggest bee
she's ever seen
and it-it stung her.
She said it was like
getting stabbed.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Actually, the bigger the bee,
the more docile they are,
generally speaking.
And they hurt less.
What was that,
champ? Can you project, please?
Use your diaphragm, Lev.
The bigger the bee... Uh-huh.
...the more docile they are,
generally speaking.
There are some insects, though,
that will, um... Yeah.
Oh, no, no. No.
No, no. No, no.
No, no, I have... No, no.
I have... Tengo dinero.
No, no. No.
No.
Okay. No.
Do you want it back? No, no, no.
Por favor. Please! No.
Why are you spitting?
Hey. Oh, Mani, Mani, Mani.
Hey, man. What's up, Rob?
I have too much knowledge,
you know?
I'm a dictionary
and these motherfuckers
is playing Scrabble.
You know? Mm-hm.
Why are you and I
the same color,
but different colors? Huh?
Huh?
Yeah. Where's Shauna?
She's everywhere, man.
She's... She...
Her physical body is asleep,
because she micro-doses
and then she passes out.
She'll wake up hungry as fuck
and super horny, and she'll...
Get off of me!
Hey, Josh.
Oh, Mani. Hey.
Hi, Mani. What's up?
I wanna tell you something
that I wanna keep between us.
Do you know why some mama
wildcats eat their young?
Do you?
Uh... Hm?
You don't know the answer,
you don't open the flaps.
It's because they feel
malnourished and threatened.
And they don't feel safe
and they don't feel supported.
It's that simple.
I love you and I love Lex,
and so I wanted you to know
the key to everything.
Also wanted...
Oh, God. Oh, so sexy.
Oh, wow.
Oh, grab her ass.
Oh, so sexy. Oh, God. Okay.
Keep it together.
Okay. It's too much. Okay.
Hey. Lindsey? Josh? Huh?
Say something for the baby.
I don't know, my...
For the baby?
My mom, my adoptive mom,
is making me make a video
about the baby and...
Oh. Um... Hi, Baby Ani!
Hi, Annie! It's good to...
Ani. It's Baby Ani. Yeah.
Baby Ani, we love you,
We love you.
So much, and...
Get better.
Feel it in your bones
when it's the right time
to leave the hospital.
Is that it?
Yeah, yeah, that's it. Mani.
Do you wanna say something
for the baby that Lex dropped?
Hey, Ani. It's Uncle Mani.
Uh... Listen, Auntie Lex and I,
we are always
thinking about you,
and we are holding you
in our prayers.
We can't wait to see you again.
What?
No, it's just a bold move.
To stand by your female
like that
while she's clearly lying to you
because she doesn't respect you.
What?
But beta is the new alpha,
right?
No, I mean, beta's in, right?
I heard you. It's a joke.
Yeah. I'm being sarcastic.
Uh-huh.
Find that bee sting yet?
No sting, no dick.
That's my advice.
Thank you.
Oh, Lord. Oh, perfect.
Hey.
Lex, Lex, Lex.
Brought you a taco.
Eat up, baby.
Here you go. Here you go, baby.
What are you doing out here,
baby?
I got a message that
something was wrong with me.
Okay.
But I feel better right now.
Good. Good.
I'm glad you feel better.
So let's get you inside
and get you some clothes.
Where are your clothes?
Behind the...
Behind the gray rock.
Oh, it's so pitchy.
It's, like...
It's very hard to hear.
Mm...
I blacked out.
Wow. How...
How long did you practice that?
That was our first time.
We just made it up.
Well, good job. Yerp.
You know,
we've been feeling very...
ahem, selfish.
Selfish lately. Lately.
With us just keeping this
property just to ourselves.
Yeah.
It's funny,
we've just begun discussing
the possibility of bringing on
some likeminded investors
who are in...
In the family.
Yeah. Somebody who's
in spiritual alignment
with our mission here.
Wow.
I'm sure you'll find that.
Hey. Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.
You guys doing okay?
We're good.
That didn't look right.
Sand flea bites hurt really bad.
Yeah?
Yeah.
But they're, like,
not as bad as the bee sting.
That was, like,
the worst pain of my life, so...
I don't think
I'm allergic or anything.
Ow!
Ooh. I'm sorry, baby.
It's okay.
Okay, are we good?
Yeah. We're good.
You're gonna use my toothbrush?
Is that okay? Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
It's just funny...
because I remember reminding you
about packing your toothbrush.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You did. Sorry.
Yeah.
You want a turn?
Guess who's ovulating?
Lucky you. Yeah.
Wake up, little guy. Big guy.
Wake up.
Oh, yeah.
Does that feel good? Get it to...
You're not really like...
Do you wanna try doggy
or something?
Do it until it get hard.
Do it until it get hard.
Do it until it get hard.
Stop saying that. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you feel it?
Yeah.
How about now?
Yeah. You got this.
Put a baby in me, baby. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Let's make some twins.
Oh, yeah.
Let's make some triplets.
I'mma make them identical.
Knock me up.
It's getting me hard, baby.
Yeah.
It's getting me hard.
Put it in.
I'm losing it. Losing it.
You want a blow job?
Yeah. Can you suck it?
Little blowie?
Can you suck it? Thank you.
This has never happened before.
Hey, schmoog.
Hey.
Here I come.
Coming for you.
The love monster.
You don't have to feel bad.
It's so not a big deal.
And I know I was kind of crazy
last night.
I feel so much better now,
and you don't have to worry
about me anymore, okay?
And just relax. Gonna party.
We're gonna...
There's the laugh.
It's gonna be so fun.
Fuck you.
Love you. You're stupid.
This is tocino de betabel.
Which is a beetroot bacon
that we make here
on the property.
That's good. Thank you.
And I don't know
if you've had these before,
but these are huevos de tortuga,
a sea turtle egg that
we forage here on the property.
Those are
endangered, I'm pretty sure.
For the new website. Oh, yeah.
That's great.
Can you ask her to delete that,
please?
Okay. Calm down.
Yeah, of course.
Oh, that's... Hey, Lindsey? Hm?
The photo you just took?
We feel uncomfortable
with things like that
because of the
geolocation... Yeah.
We've had a lot of people...
It's a beautiful shot.
You wanna see it, or...?
No. Guys, it's just for...
It's our friends.
Oh, yes! It's just, you know...
The website.
This is beautiful...
I'll delete it.
Thanks. You're the best.
No problem, no problem.
Okay, great.
Good vibes only.
Lindsey. Hm?
Can you delete that photo too?
It was mostly the...
Sounded like you took another.
The idea was...
It was mostly the food.
What I'm gonna need you to do...
I deleted it. Lindsey?
Can you just go into your
recently deleted folder
and delete all?
All the way.
I need you to clear it.
I say this
from the bottom of my heart,
are you fucking kidding me?
Lindsey...
All right. I'll do it.
Babe, babe, babe.
I'm just getting upset.
We put a nice... These are...
- It's everybody's vacation.
- Exactly.
We want everyone to feel
comfortable. So there we go.
You're awesome. You could be...
Hey, guys.
Yo! Hi, Mani.
Be supportive.
Guys, welcome. Welcome, friends.
Thanks.
Look at you, you look...
You look.
Wow. Thanks.
I know you guys all saw me last
night. I'm so embarrassed.
- A little cuckoo.
- We did, but...
No, we just...
To be completely honest,
I don't even...
It's okay. Um...
I was really nervous
about facing all of you.
Um...
And so I kind of just wanted
to go in the ocean and just...
you know, be gone forever,
sort of.
Please don't do that
to yourself.
- We love you so much. So much.
- I love you guys.
And I just wanna say that
you're always there for me.
Always. Always.
And I thank you. Seriously.
I'm here for you, baby. Okay?
- How are you doing, buddy?
- I'm good.
She's good, I'm good. So...
So amazing.
We don't really ask men
how they're doing enough.
True.
Well, it's a societal thing.
A big night for everybody. Yeah.
It was a weird day. ALL: Yes.
Right? Like, was it weird?
We can all agree.
All right. It was weird.
I'm glad someone said it.
It was fucking weird.
So that's just...
That's how I feel.
I'll also say this.
Like, you know,
when we got off the plane...
I was so excited to be here.
And I remember holding the baby
and feeling...
Feeling
really, like, ready to be a dad.
Aw...
Yes.
It felt really good, man.
Oh!
Look who it is!
- It's all your friends.
- Look at her hat.
Oh, my God. Look at her hat.
Look at her amazing hat.
This is her fancy new hat
that she has to wear
for a little while.
Three months. Three months.
- Okay.
- That's a long time.
But she's okay? She's okay.
- I'm really sorry.
- It's okay.
Accidents happen,
and everything is fine.
Do you wanna go say hi
to Auntie Lex?
I don't want you to feel like
you have to do that because...
No, she's okay. You're safe.
You're safe. It's okay.
Yes. Yes. Yup.
It's okay.
Hi, honey.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
Can I give you a kiss? Is that
okay? Can I give you a kiss?
Right on the little helmet.
Can I give you a little kiss?
Okay. All right. Back to Mama.
Back to Mama. Good job. Okay.
Sorry. Yeah, I...
We haven't eaten yet
and I guess that was like a...
hungry burp.
I don't know where
I come up with ideas like this,
but I definitely have learned
to get out of their way
when they come into the dome.
The restaurant
is called Starved.
What we do, we lock you in
a dark room for 48 hours, right?
No light, no food, no water.
It's wet.
I'd take your clothes if I
could, but that'd be illegal.
Actually surprised,
'cause this is
kind of new for you
and your natural lifestyle.
Oh, well, I do dabble sometimes,
but just with plant drugs, so...
I let you out.
And I give you
one single red ripe tomato.
Ah.
One tomato.
That's it?
Exactly.
Yeah, this is a...
What is it? Cacao plant?
Is that what it is?
Oh, that's chocolate.
Oh, I definitely...
I can't have chocolate.
That's very bad for me.
So this is coco, from Colombia.
Okay.
I'm so happy we found love,
because...
Man, I don't know about you,
Josh,
but when Lex and I broke up,
I was...
I mean... Fucking destroyed.
Devastated. Fucking destroyed.
And the chemical connection
we had was out of this world.
She said to me, and, you know,
we've talked about this.
She said that, sexually, she'd
never been satisfied by anyone
the way that, you know,
I had, but...
I think she said that
to everybody.
Best sex of my life.
Come here.
You're great. I miss you.
I miss you too. Yeah.
You know, you always think
you're gonna be
one of those moms.
"No, everything's gonna be
the same.
I'm just gonna have this new
person in my life." But no.
No. Different place.
The world is a different place.
My eyes have been opened.
Yes. I mean,
before I adopted Levi,
I was so selfish, you know?
Yeah. I know.
And now, I mean,
everything I do
is for everybody else.
Sure. So I get it.
Are you sure you're actually
wanting to have a baby?
Yes.
Okay. Yes. Yeah.
That's very good, 'cause,
you know, it's like suicide.
What?
Well, you know, things you can't
undo in your life.
Okay. Having a baby,
committing suicide,
renouncing your US citizenship
for a dream.
So you're sure? I'm sure. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
Why do you keep...? Yes.
I don't know. There's an energy
I want multiple.
I'm getting
that's just a little resistant.
There was this one
case, Gerard Watkins.
It was an attempted robbery.
He killed a guy in a convenience
store and it was just...
I was like, "Yeah, but does he
deserve to die for that?"
And, you know,
we fought for him.
He got a lighter sentence.
He's still around.
And then I was like, "Wait
a second. A man was murdered.
He has a mom. He was once a baby
in that mom's arms."
Gerard should've died.
And that man's mom
should have watched him die,
and she should have decided
how painful it gets to be.
Like, you know that
death rattle they talk about?
She should have gotten
to feel the death rattle.
My husband will never
not be sweating.
He's a little moist, yeah.
We moved to an island,
and now he's just
forever dripping.
Yeah.
And you laugh, but honestly,
we're having problems
sexually because of it.
I don't know
what it is down here.
If it's the heat,
or if it's the stress of running
a hospitality business, or...
if it's just something
she's been eating.
But it's gotten worse...
and worse and worse,
and now it's really like...
It's as if we're about
to be intimate
and my husband's
just been through a carwash,
but his body is the car.
And I just...
For me, my arousal
goes to an all-time low.
And it's funny because he's
the wettest he's ever been
and I couldn't be drier.
I just miss the old smell
of my wife's vagina.
I hate my life.
What? I just...
I wish sometimes that I could
just be in the middle of a mall.
I wanna go to the movies and
I wanna watch a Marvel movie.
And I wanna root for the...
The man who flies who's red.
The...
Superman.
I wanna root for Superman.
Yeah, no. Yeah.
And wear deodorant or...
Well, I wear deodorant.
Yes. No, I know.
And I love my deodorant.
I would never put aluminum
on my body.
No, no, no, no, no.
I make it with this arrowroot
powder and a hint of mint.
Oh...
And there's a coconut base...
I can make you some,
if you'd like.
Yes. Thank you.
It smells so bad.
Have you ever tried
durian fruit?
All right. It's experimental,
but I know it does work.
Try turmeric paste.
You're gonna have to apply it
directly to the labia.
Okay. Okay. All right.
We're done.
I don't wanna have
this conversation anymore.
It makes me uncomfortable.
So I would appreciate it if we
wouldn't talk about
our wives' vaginas.
Please? Thank you.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
Josh, like...
Women at an early age are taught
to be ashamed of their vaginas,
so it kind of felt like you were
doing some misogynistic attack.
How would you like if your wife
made fun of your smelly dick?
If you had a smelly dick.
How would it make you feel?
Would it make you feel bad?
It'd make you feel bad?
Don't touch me, man!
You, the idea for your
restaurant is morally offensive.
Move.
Fuck. What the fuck?
Can I sit here?
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I don't even have the words,
really, to...
say how sorry that I am.
But I'm totally fine if you
don't want me to write the vows,
or even come to the ceremony.
Ah!
Lex? Lex? I love you.
I love you.
Lex, I love you.
And one day you're gonna have
your own beautiful baby.
You are.
I know it. I know these things.
And I'm gonna be the godmother,
because who else would it be?
And you have to write the vows.
Who else
is gonna write the vows?
Me? Yeah.
You're gonna write the vows,
'cause you can't
let me down again.
You can't cross Mia twice.
And I love you. I do. But...
I love you.
I miss what we had physically.
I know. I know.
I see it in your eyes.
But, Lex, I'm getting married.
Oh... I'm getting married.
So you're gonna write the vows,
and we're gonna have
those memories forever.
Okay? Yeah.
Mia, where's the gun?
Don't worry about the gun.
The gun is safe.
I put the gun...
The gun knows where it is.
It's safe.
It's so pretty.
Yeah.
You okay?
I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm fine.
Okay. But I'm just...
I don't want people to keep
asking me if I'm okay. I'm...
Sorry.
I just don't wanna be
on this boat anymore.
I wanna go home. I don't
wanna be with these people.
Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.
I think that it's fine.
I don't think anyone will care
if we head back now.
You can stay. I'll be fine.
I'm just gonna swim.
What?
I'm gonna swim.
I think that the shore
is probably much farther away
than it looks,
and you're not
a super strong swimmer, so...
Don't do it.
Be careful!
What's he doing?
He just wanted to swim.
Hi.
Hey, bud.
You didn't go on the boat?
No. I'm on Accutane,
so I can't, really.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
Of course. Sure. Yeah.
What's going on?
So you're a lesbian?
I am, yes.
You're not attracted
to men whatsoever?
You're not bi? I am... Nope.
I am only interested in women.
I'm only interested in Mia,
hence the wedding.
Congratulations.
Thank you. Thanks.
And you're a doctor, right?
I am. I'm an Ob-Gyn.
You're a gynecologist?
Mm-hm. Yeah. Good.
That's good.
'Cause this is medical.
It's not a sexual thing.
It's a medical thing.
Sure. Yeah. It's medical.
What's going on?
So medically speaking...
Mm-hm? Um...
how long can the teenage penis
endure without a release?
Hm...
Well...
Damn it.
Wow.
You're back.
That took so long. Um...
I am freaking out right now
because I still
have to do the cake,
and I thought it was gonna be
for the wedding,
but it's a sunrise wedding
and they actually want it
for the rehearsal dinner,
because they don't like the
idea of cake for breakfast,
which I do, so...
But that's okay.
I'm just kind of rushing around.
Um... And I finished the vows.
If you wouldn't mind reading
them, that'd be good.
Well, yeah.
I swam for three hours.
I know.
You're so impressive, babe.
And I watched you,
the little orange dot.
I was like, "Is he okay?"
But I watched to make sure
you were.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did, babe.
What's going on with you?
Okay. Things have been...
You're very dirty.
A little intense lately, right?
And I just wanna make sure
that you're okay.
Can I kiss you?
Don't be sad.
So if you wanna just rest and...
I have to go do the cake.
I'm so sorry.
But can we talk about...?
I really do wanna talk about it.
Okay. I love you. I'm sorry.
And please don't... Sorry.
You're gonna hate me.
Please don't sit on the bed.
But I love you.
I'll see you soon.
Sorry. Love you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hi.
Hi, Lex. What's going on?
Circle of life.
Sorry?
Circle of life!
"Use the sawdust
to cover what you give
and we'll give it back to you
in our vegetable garden."
No, thank you.
That's a no.
That's a hard fucking no.
Oh,
sweetheart. Are you having doubts?
I don't know.
I'm just wondering, really.
Well, we didn't know right away.
It took us a little while
to figure it out.
But then, at some point,
I think my body told me
I was ready.
Did you ever feel, like,
something anti-that
in your body?
Uh, no, no. I think I felt that
if I didn't have a baby,
it would be like taking an ax
and chopping down
the family tree.
You know, you have to think
of all the people
who came before us,
who, you know, had to survive
just to get to this moment.
Potato famine, the Oregon Trail,
your grandfather
storming the beaches
at Normandy under gunfire.
And, you know,
if that doesn't move you,
then, darling, I think you need
to think about
what's fair to Mani.
Two, three, four.
Hey.
Everyone.
Guitar solo.
Are we still doing our thing?
Mm-hm.
Do you wanna practice our lines?
No.
You're being very cold with me.
Is there a reason?
Wow. Wow.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Mia.
We're here to share
our hearts with you
as you share your hearts
with each other.
And in order to do that tonight,
all we're gonna ask of you
is to pick up
the love gourd here, uh...
which was gifted to me
by Russell Brand in 2009,
and once held the ashes
of one of the women
from the Triangle
Shirtwaist Factory.
Um...
The popular tragedy
of the mid-1920s.
So now, without further ado,
I'm gonna introduce the gal
who brought us all here,
to perform some excerpts
from her one-woman show,
Number One on the Call Sheet,
Shauna Alessandra Mahogany
Renee Roberts.
It's 6 a.m.
and my assistant calls.
The driver's been downstairs
for nearly an hour
and I have cold cream on my face
and not an ounce of espresso
in my body.
What do I do?
I rush down those stairs
because I'm a professional.
A what?
P-R-O-fessional.
I was just wondering,
do you remember when
you used to babysit me
and then we would eat
a lot of mac and cheese?
Yeah. We ate a lot
of mac and cheese.
Cool. Yeah. Me too. I remember.
But I still can't
perspire in any way because
the paparazzi is lurking
in the bushes.
Or is that a homeless man?
You can never know.
I knew it was gonna be
a hard day
when my favorite AD
got moved to the second unit.
I didn't know how hard
it was gonna be
until that bitch, Jerry,
knocked on my trailer door.
Without my heart,
the show cannot go on!
People always tell me:
"Shauna, you're the reason
Kamala Harris made it
to the White House."
I don't know about that,
but I did play the president
for nine Emmy award-winning
seasons.
And they say you cannot be it
unless you see it.
And she did see it.
She sent me an e-mail.
So now, in this moment,
bear witness to the rebirth
of Shauna Roberts.
I don't know
how I'm gonna follow that.
I wanna welcome
our gracious hosts here tonight
to say some lovely words
and share in the celebration.
Please welcome to the gourd
Joshua and Lindsey.
Let's do it.
Love you both.
Love you. Thank you, brother.
And thank you, sister.
Now, tonight, we have
a question for all of you.
Are you tired of this?
Are you tired of all of this?
Honk. Honk, honk.
Taxi cab. Taxi cab.
Taxi. Taxi cab.
Ring, ring. Cell phones.
Cell phones everywhere.
Cell phones.
Cell phones everywhere.
You're supposed to pick up
everywhere.
You're working around the clock.
It's 3:00. It's 4:00.
It's 5. It's 6. It's 11, 12.
It's 10, it's 11.
And I don't know
where the day went by.
Every hour, you're working.
We have the solution.
We have the solution for you.
Unlimited fresh mangoes.
Lex? Yeah?
So back when you babysat me
and then we were eating
the mac and cheese,
do you remember the time when
we were watching Space Jam?
Like, the original Space Jam?
And then I accidentally spilled
the whole bowl of noodles
on my lap
and you had to wipe them off?
I'm not sure. I don't know.
I can fall asleep at any
moment here. Anytime.
If I concentrate hard enough.
So we have... Palapas.
Palapa, palapa, palapa, palapa,
palapa, palapa, palapa, palapa.
And then you walk down
to the beach.
And this could be you,
in your birthday suit,
naked on your own private beach.
When, at the time that you were
wiping the cheesy noodles
off of my crotch...
I mean, do you remember
what was going through your head
in that moment?
I don't know.
...if you wanted to
be a fuller part of our family.
What?
Sole ownership,
that's for someone who wants
the whole pizza pie.
The whole pizza pie
by themselves.
I hate this. It's okay.
It's not okay.
Are you seeing this?
And then there's fractional...
Fractional ownership.
Fractional ownership.
And that's for someone who says,
"I just want a slice."
It's just a little intense,
and...
What? What?
Everybody's just asking me...
You're not sharing
in a shared experience.
What is everyone asking you?
If you're a Republican.
- So you'll notice here...
- All right. Hey.
Your invest...
As the money goes up...
As the money...
Stress goes down.
Lex. Lex?
Yeah?
Can you just tell me to brush
my teeth and go to bed?
Does anybody else think that
we're embarrassing ourselves?
I need the love gourd because...
Please? Just like you used
to do when you babysat me.
- ...of love and safety.
- We're sharing our time.
You know what? I'm gonna need
the fucking love...
Oh, really? Really?
Give me... Ah!
You know what?
Brush your teeth and go to bed.
- My armpits. Goddamn it!
- I'm sorry. I...
Look, I'm sorry you feel
that way, Josh.
You tell your wife
to get the fuck away from me
or I'm gonna chop her in
the throat. You back up!
Hey. You really fucked this up.
I love you, but this is
all your fault,
so I'm gonna need you to take
this gourd and fix it, okay?
Okay. Just...
Mani?
Oh, my God.
I have an announcement.
I'm a libertarian.
There. You happy?
But what about roads,
and bridges, and stuff?
Fine. Shauna,
I've been faking my orgasms.
I know.
I'm in.
You're what?
I'm in. I love the vision.
The stuff about
escaping technology,
it really spoke to me.
Do you accept Dogecoin?
Deal.
What's a Dogecoin?
Hey, Mani? Go away.
I'm in heels, babe.
Hey, can you stop?
Mani.
Why won't you talk to me?
Mani. What?
Did you do this on purpose?
Do what on purpose?
The only thing
I've ever cared about
was starting a family together,
and you went and dropped it
on the fucking concrete.
There was a bee that was...
Shut the fuck up about the bee.
I... Yeah. I...
I get that, but I just need
to tell you this,
'cause you don't really know
the whole thing,
and you're gonna hate me after,
but I just have to tell you
'cause it's the truth.
Um, the bee or whatever
the fuck it was
that was coming towards me
scared me.
And I went to swat it away,
and when I did I forgot
that I was holding the baby.
It didn't even sting me.
I was just scared.
I dropped her to protect myself.
So that's the kind of person
I am.
That was not...
That's not who you are.
I just don't think
I can have a baby right now.
I don't think... I don't think...
I don't know that I can
have a baby ever.
You'd be a great father.
And you deserve that chance.
And if that's what you need...
I don't know
that we can be together.
Every decision, every choice...
that we've ever made
in our lives
has brought us to this perfect,
momentous, joyous moment.
We're lucky, we're blessed,
to witness the commitment
of Peggy and Mia.
Lex has written vows
for Peggy and Mia to recite,
which we'll do now.
Our time together
on this Earth is short.
Our time together
on this Earth is short.
But when I'm with you,
I catch a glimpse of
the infinite, and I am in awe.
But when I'm with you,
I catch a glimpse
of the infinite,
and I am in awe.
You are my best friend,
my ally, my family.
You are my best
friend, my ally, my family.
I vow to hold your heart sacred
and to treat it with care.
I vow to hold your heart sacred
and to treat it with care.
I vow to forgive your faults
and to be worthy
of your forgiveness.
I vow to forgive your faults
and to be worthy
of your forgiveness.
I vow to see you
and to see our love every day
with fresh eyes.
I vow to see
you and to see our love
every day with fresh eyes.
I vow to be your
partner here on Earth...
and to look for you
in whatever form comes after.
I vow to be your
partner here on Earth,
and to look for you
in whatever form comes after.
And should it turn
out that after is only darkness...
then I vow that
this was worth it.
I say that this
was all worth it.
It was worth it.
All of it.
And now,
by the power vested in me
by the Universal Life Church,
I now pronounce you wife
and wife, partners for life.
You may kiss the bride.
Yes!
Yes!
Excuse me.
Okay. Ready? Mommy has a gun.
Mommy has a gun.
And boom!
Okay.
All right. All right.
Take it. Take it.
¿Qué pasa?
Oh, I'm fine.
My wife left me.
Here.
Aquí.
Si.
Si.
Yeah. Si.
Oh.
Si.
Yeah, we broke up.
Yeah. Sometimes things
aren't meant to be, so...
Yeah, I like my peppers hot.
Okay. Let's do it. To family.
I know something's missing.
I just don't know what it is.
I don't mind being there
for Lex.
I never minded that.
That's our thing.
When we had to move to L.A.
when her dad died,
I was right there.
God, like, loving that woman
is the easiest thing
that I've ever done.
So why is it so hard now?
I do have a big heart.
Grande.
Wow! Mm-hm.
Yeah. I got you.
I'm really gonna miss you guys.
Thank you so much for having me.
Mmm!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Yes, sir. Hey, come here, man.
Thank you. Appreciate that.
Abuela.
Thank you. Thank you.
Appreciate that so much.
Thank you.
I'm gonna miss your cooking.
Thank you.
Appreciate that. Thank you.
Hold on. Sorry.
Oh, wow, I gotta go.
Thank you, all.
You all changed my life.
I love you.
Bye!
Mani. Baby.
Okay. Look, I've thought a lot about it,
and I will confess. I did
drop you. Once. Maybe twice.
Two times max.
Is this why you moved
so far away from family?
You're gonna be late, guys.
Plane's gonna leave.
We gotta go.
I'm not leaving without him,
Lex!
What the fuck?
Baby.
Shauna, can you fuck off
so I can talk to my wife?
Thank you. Sure.
As a matter of fact,
can you all fuck off?
Okay. Come on.
I was up all night
waiting for you.
I almost called the police.
You weren't picking up
your fucking phone.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Yeah.
Okay. There's so much
that I need to... Fuck off!
What did you wanna tell me?
Lex...
I...
hate Los Angeles.
And I know you named your
bakery Carbs ironically,
but I don't wanna live in
a city that thinks that's funny.
I wanna go back to Brooklyn.
And I love you,
but you're not enough.
I mean, it's too much pressure.
And what I'm trying to say is
I wanna see my family
and I wanna be around my family.
That's what I'm missing.
It was foolish of me
to expect you
to be everything in my life...
because I can't be everything
in your life.
However, we can be
the most important thing.
That's it? Is that it?
I can do that.
I like New York. I can...
I can open up a bakery there.
It doesn't need to be
an ironic name.
But what about kids?
'Cause I can't guarantee that.
And if you need them,
then you shouldn't...
You shouldn't be with me.
That is okay. A baby isn't
the only way to have a family.
I love you.
I missed you so much.
I love you.
I missed you so much.
I missed you too.
- Your boobs got bigger.
- You wish.
I'm just bloated
because of the tacos.
You've got taco boobs?
Is that what happens
when you eat tacos?
Oh!
It's okay. It's okay, babe.
I'm sorry. No, no, no.
Okay.
We're gonna do one big push.
Let it come.
Good. Good. Oh, my God.
You know, she's a little lazy,
so she's...
You gotta give her a little...
Okay. We love you.
We do. We love you.
Breathe. And I love you.
You're so sweet.
Okay, breathe.
No, no, no, no. Here it comes.
One more big push.
Did I do it?
Is the baby here? Honey?
It's just poop.
It's just poop, baby.