The Covid Killer (2021) - full transcript

So take a look
at the guidelines,

read them carefully, and we hope

that the people
of the United States

will take them very seriously,

because they will fail

if people don't adhere to them.

We have to have,
as a whole country,

cooperate and collaborate
to make sure these get done.

Thank you.

Okay. Go ahead.

Mr. President.



Mr. President,
a lot of people are concerned

about how long
all of this might last.

Do you have any kind of estimate

that if Americans really
were to band together...

- Right.
- ...do what the White House

is suggesting, how quickly
could we turn this corner?

My favorite question,
I ask it all the time.

How many times, Anthony?

I think I ask him that question
every day,

and I speak to Deborah,
I speak to a lot of them,

I get their opinion.

So, it seems to me,

that if we do a really good job,

we'll not only hold the death



down to a level that is
much lower than the other way,

had we not done a good job.

But people are talking
about July,

August, something like that.

So it could be right
in that period of time,

where it... I say "wash,"

it washes through.

Other people
don't like that term,

but where it washes through.

How about
another joke, Murray?

No, I think we've
had enough of your jokes.

- What do you get...
- I don't think so.

- ...when you cross...
- I think...

- ...a mentally ill old loner...
- we're done with you.

...with a society
that abandons him,

and treats him like trash!

Call the police.

I'm telling you,
what you get?

- Call the police.
- You get

what you fucking deserve!

You sure you don't want nothing?

No, I'm good, thank you.

Who's that?

Hey, Detective.

Oh, hey,
what's going on, Destiny?

- How you been?
- What's up? I'm good.

- How are you?
- I'm good.

Same old. How you been?
Long time no see.

Better now that I see you.
This is my friend Casey.

She just started
working at the club.

- Hi, Casey, nice to meet you.
- Hello Detective, how are you?

How's work, anyways? Good?

Work is good.
When you coming to see us?

Yeah, but it's gonna be a minute
for me to get back there.

Well, that means more money.

More bags to blow on us.

What else
is going on with you?

That's about it. Just, um...

Hanging out, make...

Oh, sorry.
Is this your daughter?

It's actually my partner.

Heard you, okay.

- Yeah, that's my partner.
- You got it.

All right.

Well, you have
a nice night, Detective.

All right,
thank you. You, too.

Cool, man.

You, too. Make sure you call me.

All right, you got it.
Good seeing you.

Bye for now.

All right.
Bye, nice meeting you.

- Really?
- What?

You thought that was funny?

What was funny? They said hello.

I know them.
Why you get so mad for?

Apparently you know everybody.

Damn.

Don't hate the player.

Hate the game.

Yes, girl.
So happy that today is over.

I know, girl. Thank God.

This place is suck,

- but hey, we made money tonight.
- Yeah.

Yes, we made a bag,
that's without a doubt.

- I'm so happy we made a bag.
- Yeah.

And my favorite guy
came to see us tonight.

- Which one?
- Bryan.

Bryan!

- Yup.
- Exactly.

You already know

- When he comes around, yeah.
- Girl, yeah!

He spends a bag.

Listen, I'm ready to go home,

take off my shoes, roll a blunt,

have some Hennessy,
and call it a night.

You got everything you need
so we can get out of here?

I think so, yeah.

Oh, shit, I think
I forgot my phone.

- Oh, no, girl.
- No, I gotta check it out,

because you know
those thirsty bitches.

- Let me... I'll be back.
- All right. You already know.

I'm gonna call an Uber.

I'll be here, boo.

Where's this bitch in the Uber?

Sorry, girl,
I just got my phone.

Destiny!

Destiny!

Help! Help!

Who the fuck is...

Fuck off!

Fuck.

What?

It's Destiny.

What's with him?

- He knew her.
- Who is she?

One of the dancers
from the club.

Look, Cap.

It's the same mark,
like the last body.

Fuck. We got a serial killer.

- He got her real good.
- Gotta call it in.

Habib, let me get
a large coffee.

And make sure it's black.

You know I like my coffee
the way I like my women.

Tall, black, and sexy.

Yeah, I know how you do,

and who you did.
That's your coffee.

Thanks, Habib.

All right.

Hey, man.

Watch where you're going, buddy.

Hey, what's with the mask?

What, you one of those corona
virus freaks or something?

Or are you using it

just to hide
your ugly fucking face?

What are you, stupid?

Don't you see I'm here?

Asshole.

What are you, super stupid?

- Captain.
- Healy.

What you doing here, Captain?

Are you on the bottle again?

'Course not.

You know I've been clean
for three months.

Yeah, right.

Cap, what's up?

Detective, have a seat.

No. I wanna stand up, 'cause
I don't know what's going on.

Detective, please have a seat.

All right, guys,
so, as you know,

we have
a serial killer on the loose.

Gonna need your cooperation
as we gather

a few members of the team
try to figure this out.

Okay, so,
what's going on?

Okay. Well, Detective,
does she... Do you recognize her?

No. Should I?

All right.

- You don't...
- Really?

- You don't remember me?
- No.

- Should I?
- Are you sure?

Yeah. What are
you trying to say?

That I got her preg...
I'm the father or something?

Yeah, don't
flatter yourself, okay?

I don't know, who is she?

Detective.

This is one of
our witnesses from...

at the strip club last night.

Strip club.

But you knew the girl?

Yes, I did. That was my friend.

Oh, remember when
you stopped at the store,

- that was you?
- Yep.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't recognize you.

That's all right.

- Okay.
- So that's good.

We got a fucking lead.

You got... you saw...

- You saw the person?
- Yep, I saw everything.

So basically, we're looking for

Spanish, five-foot-seven,

gray shirt, Tims.

Spanish, 5'7",

gray shirt...

Was he wearing... What?
was he wearing jeans?

He was wearing blue jeans.

Blue jeans, and you said Tims.

- And the Tims.
- And mask.

And a mask.

Oh, this is gonna be
fucking simple to find

a Spanish dude in the Bronx.

That's what we're
looking for right now.

Is the killer in New York?

That's fucking everybody
in New York City, Cap.

How we supposed to solve this?

We're bringing in troops.

Who are you bringing?

I got Ruiz
and Sanchez coming in.

Jesus.

You gotta bring
those fucking clowns?

Can you send Ruiz
and Sanchez in, please?

Yo, Cap, you call for me?

And me too, Cap?

Please come in.

Really, dude?

You can't fix
your fucking uniform?

Cool, so now that
I have the whole gang here,

I have another treat
for you guys.

Another fucking treat.

God knows what else is gonna...

Gets better from here.

We have to continue
to stop the spread.

And this is a constant
calibration also.

I'm gonna issue
an executive order

that says all people in public

must have a mask or nose...

Executive order issued.

This is not just statewide,
this is across the U.S.

Along with the face mask,

we're implementing
social distancing,

and it's going to be mandatory.

It's protocol.

You don't have to wear
your mask in the car.

However,
it does have to be worn.

Okay, so only
when we're answering calls?

I can't fucking breathe
in this dumb shit!

I gotta wear this now
every fucking day to work?

We all do. Join the club.

I should just fucking call
on vacation.

Gonna have to give
to the other two,

pass these through
to the two guys in the back.

You got a fucking red nose
for these fucking clowns?

Here, man.

You're now at an intersection,

and there are people
in the intersection,

and you are gonna be
in proximity

to other people,
put the mask on.

Your right to go out
for a walk in the park,

go out for a walk

because you need
to get out of the house,

the dog is getting
on your nerves,

fine, don't infect me.

You don't have
a right to infect me.

If you are gonna be

in a situation, in public,

where you may come into contact
with other people

in a situation that is
not socially distanced,

you must have a mask

or a cloth covering
nose and mouth.

- That is by executive order.
- Seriously?

we gotta wear this
24 fucking hours at work?

I think it looks cute.

- Fucking...
- It's for your protection.

All right, game plan.

Effective tomorrow night,

Ruiz and Sanchez,
I have you pairing up

with Jordan
and Pippen, undercover.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Undercover, yeah.

That's right, man. Undercover.

Casey, you're gonna be staying
with Detective Pippen

for the next few days,
just for protection purposes.

Hold up. Cap.

- You know I got a...
- Casey.

- Detective...
- Cap, I got a big place.

Detective Pippen
will be escorting

you to her place. Thank you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Come on.

Wear this fucking mask.

Do me a favor, guys.

Can you wait outside?

I have to talk to
the Captain about something.

Okay?

Hey, Cap.

Do you still
wanna hang out or something?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Then why you keep
throwing shit at me for?

Will, cut the bullshit.

Listen.

Do you want to come
by to my house tonight,

- over a bottle of wine?
- Fuck, no.

Okay.

So then stop breaking
my fucking balls!

I'll deal with her. She's fine.

But I'm not working
with those two fucking clowns.

No. I don't need backup.

Oh, Felicia?

- What?
- Bye.

Yeah. What was that address?

Okay, cool.

Thank you.

- Hey.
- I thought I told you guys

to wait for me in the car.

Yeah, but the witness
had to use the bathroom.

All right, no problem.

You okay?

Yeah, fuck her, man.

She wanna break my fucking balls

and all that, then now she wanna

assign two clowns
to work with us.

I haven't got time
for that bullshit,

it is what it is.

You sure you're all right?

I'm good. You know what?

Wait for the witness,

I'm gonna go in my car,

and I'll just
wait for you guys there, right?

- Will?
- Yeah?

You know you can talk to me
about anything, right?

Thank you, I appreciate it,
but I'm good.

Just get to
the car safe, all right?

I'll see you guys down.

Damn, what took so long?

I gave her a change clothes.

All right, that's cool.

- You got your mask?
- Yep.

It's in your bag?

- Yep.
- Oh, okay.

- You good?
- Yeah, I'm great.

Everything good?

Pickup usual time?

You got it.

This morning,
the tensions are escalating

between President Trump
and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi

over the President's use
of hydroxychloroquine.

Pelosi is a sick woman.

She's got a lot of problems,
a lot of mental problems.

I didn't know that
he would be so sensitive.

He's always talking
about other people's

avoirdupois,
their weight, their pounds.

The President
firing back at Pelosi,

after she criticized

his decision
to take the anti-malaria drug

to protect against coronavirus,

with no evidence yet
that it prevents COVID-19.

We would rather
he not be taking something

that has not been approved

by the scientists,

especially in his age group,

and in his, shall we say,

weight group, at what is
morbidly obese, they say.

Former
President Joe Biden

slamming
the President overnight,

comparing this to the moment
Mr. Trump questioned

whether disinfectants
could be a treatment.

It's like saying maybe

if you injected Clorox
into your blood,

you know, it may cure you.

Come on, man.

What is he doing?

What in God's name is he doing?

The President
taking aim.

If you look at the one survey,
the only bad survey,

they were giving it to people
that were in very bad shape.

They were very old, almost dead.

This just in.

As if the coronavirus
pandemic was not enough,

now New York has a new problem.

There is a serial killer

stalking the good people
of the five boroughs.

What we know so far

is that he is
a Hispanic-looking male,

about 5'7".

It's been reported

that he has killed
at least eight women

that the police know of.

And he wears
a generic COVID mask

to conceal his identity.

So, obviously,

the media has already dubbed him

The Covid Killer.

That is all we know
at this time.

We will keep the public
updated as news comes in.

Please, stay inside
and stay safe.

It's a vanilla,

chai tea, almond milk, no sugar.

Vanilla, chai...

Tea, almond milk, no sugar.

It's like a creamy tea,
just taste it.

That sounds nasty.

Just taste it.

It's hot as hell.

Yeah, well,
I like hot tea.

But you gotta try this.

That's too sweet.

Just try it, you don't even
know what it tastes like.

I can see it by looking at it.

Just try...

What the fuck?

What? I just smelled it.

No. Look at
these fucking clowns.

Gotta be
fucking kidding me.

I'm calling the Captain.

Siri, call Captain.

Calling the Captain, mobile.

Yeah, Cap?

I'm about to FaceTime you.

These dudes is fucking clowns.

Yo, both of y'all
are fucking clowns.

You're off the case,
Captain said you're done.

And yet in
another bizarre COVID incident,

a group of filmmakers
are being denied entry

to The Howard Stern Show

because of Howard's
COVID-19 concerns.

Howard Stern
is not gonna happen.

Howard Stern is a billionaire.

He don't got time to deal
with y'all low-life YouTubers.

You know what?

We may be lowlifes,
especially him.

- Hey!
- But we are not YouTubers.

We are legitimate,
independent filmmakers,

and we demand respect!

Yeah, we demand respect.

- Wait.
- What's up?

Take this off.

You don't like my hat?

Now I can see you.

You're so handsome.

Oh, please.
Stop trying to gas me.

- I'm not gassing you.
- It's working.

It's working?

What are we drinking to?

We are drinking to us reuniting,

after seven years.

And you still look good.

And another thing.

I hope you catch that
crazy serial killer out here.

This lunatic,
killing all these women.

I promise you,

I'm gonna catch
that son of a bitch.

Why y'all got no mask on?

You fucking with me?

Don't touch me, goddammit!

- I can't fucking believe it.
- Do not touch me!

Mm.

It's crazy clowny time, kids!

So... you have Netflix?

Of course.

Netflix.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Oh my God.

Your collection got so big.

How many do you have now?

Close to 200.

Oh my God.
What number are these?

Those are the six ones.

Whoa. I like those a lot.

What number are these?

Those are the threes.

Wow.

- Oh my God,
- Damn.

- You have these?
- Yep.

Oh my God.

Those are special editions.

They are.

What number are these?

Oh, yeah, those are
the size twelves, yeah.

Well, you know
what number you don't have?

What's that?

You don't have the 69s.

69s? Jordan never
came out with 69s.

Come on, you know what I mean.

Come over here.

- For?
- Yeah, word.

Shut the light.

- Want me turn the light off?
- Yeah.

They still got the clapper?

Of course.

What did you forget... Hey.

Forget?

No, no, I was thinking out loud.

- Hm.
- What's going on?

Hm.

Got some wine.

You got red wine?

Let me get the two glasses.

Oh, we don't need those, honey.

So you just brought
a empty bottle

of red wine
to my house, for what?

Because I wanna get
and I'm feeling nice.

For real?

Yeah.

Hey, what's up, Cap?

Have a seat, Detective.

Okay, what's up?

Our last victim,
did you know her?

Yes, I did.

How?

Here are
the files you requested.

Thank you.

Detective, how?

How, Detective?

I just knew her.

Right now, your DNA's
on this victim's body.

She was found around
the corner from your house.

So what do you want me to say,
that I fucked her?

Did you?

So what are you saying?

What I'm trying to say is,

I need you to turn in
your firearm and your shield.

For what?

And you're
suspended indefinitely.

For what?
I didn't fucking do anything.

You know
this is fucking bullshit.

For the sake of the city,
I hope this is bullshit.

I have your file
right here, Detective,

and you're a great detective.

Then why the fuck
am I being suspended?

Because you're
a fucking suspect!

And fuck that. Sellout.

Will, hold up.

What are you gonna say now?

What do you want me to do?

I didn't know. I didn't know
it was gonna come to this.

You could have fucking
texted me and warned me.

You're right. But what now?

I'm being...
I'm a fucking suspect,

I'm being charged for murder.

I told you that thing
was gonna get you in trouble.

I don't have no time
for these fucking jokes, man.

Now, who's gonna continue
the fucking case?

Pippen. We're going to have
Pippen on it.

Pippen can't do
this shit by herself.

Listen to me.

I'm still on this shit.
They can have my fucking gun

and my fucking badge.

I'm not doing this shit.
I'm still on the case.

You know why?
I'm proving my innocence.

To everybody.

Well, I didn't hear about that.

You never hear anything
I fucking say anyway.

Will!

What? Now you're
finally talking to me?

Hold on.

What the fuck
just happened in there?

That was Internal Affairs.

And they just suspended me.

- You're joking.
- No.

So what the fuck
are we gonna do?

Remember that girl?

- Uh-uh.
- The last one, the last body?

- Uh-uh.
- Okay.

Well, only my DNA was on that.

So what are you trying to say?

You want me to spell it
out for you?

I'm gonna need you to.

You want me to tell you
straight up that I fucked her?

- You serious?
- Yeah.

I fucked her,
but I didn't kill her.

Well, I know that,

'cause I know who you are,
I know you're not that stupid.

Okay, then go tell
Internal Affairs about that,

'cause right now,
I'm being investigated.

- You're being investigated?
- Yes.

They're trying to link me
now to the murders.

- You know...
- All the same marks

and everything on every body.

And I'm trying
to put this shit together,

that why are
all these murders...

I'm trying to put together

why all these girls
that are coming up dead,

they're linking to me.

I know them all.

That was the only
girl I had sex with,

was the last one.

- And now you're suspended.
- Now I'm suspended.

So I need you to do me a favor.

What is it?

You need to catch
this son of a bitch.

You know
I can't do that by myself.

Well, you're gonna have to.

I'll be around,
but you gonna have to.

You know what, hold on a second.

Hold on to this.

I don't wanna
get you in trouble.

Shh.

Hold on to it.

I'm gonna need you,
some way, somehow.

Right, listen.

You know I'm not off this case.

All right? I'll be around
when you call me.

- You know I will.
- I'm there.

All right?
You're still gorgeous.

Be careful, and you call me.

All right?

All right, give me
that handshake again.

Ready, and...

Hey.

What's up?
What are you doing here?

What, I can't bring my partner

his favorite chai tea,
almond milk, no sugar?

Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- How'd you get here?

I took an Uber.

But I was leaving
in five minutes

to pick you up.

- It's fine.
- Okay. Come inside.

To what do I owe the honor

of having you in my presence
in my house?

Well, I feel like
all the girls have seen it,

and I wanna see it.

- You wanna see it now?
- Uh-huh.

Come on.

Oh my God, it's huge!

I told you it was huge.

Come in.

Hey, Detective,
sorry to bother you.

- Can take a shower?
- Yeah. Yeah, of course.

I left a blue towel
for you in the bathroom.

- All right, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, as a matter of fact,
when you get out,

can you come check out
these mugshots with me?

- Yeah, sure. I'll be back.
- Okay.

Casey?

Casey, are you okay?

Casey?

Casey. Casey!

Casey!

My God.

Will. I need you to come
to my house right now.

The witness is dead!

She has the same mark
as the other bodies, too.

Okay, Imma wait for you.

I could give you
19 or 20 names for that, right?

It's got all
different names. Wuhan.

Got Wuhan was catching on.

Coronavirus, right?

Kungflu, yes.

Kungflu.

COVID. COVID-19. COVID.

I say, what's the 19?

COVID-19. Some people
can't explain what the 19...

Gimme the...

COVID-19. I said,
that's an odd name.

I could give you
many, many names.

Some people
call it the Chinese flu,

the China flu, right?

They call it the China,

as opposed to the China...

I've never
seen anything like it.

Well, it's been three months

since we've heard
from The Covid Killer.

But his vile presence
is still with us.

So do not let
your guard down, New York.

Be safe. Stay home.

There are four things
that we now know

about this Covid Killer.

He only kills at night.

He only kills women,

in particular,
nurses and strippers.

He only uses one type of weapon,
a kitchen knife.

And for some odd reason,

he only slashes to the left.

These are scary
and strange times, indeed.

Can anybody stop this madman?

Where's a supercop
when you need one?

I can't breathe, man.

- I can't breathe.
- Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

I don't give a fuck
if you can't breathe.

That's not my fucking problem.

You shouldn't have done it.

- I can't breathe.
- Shut the fuck up.

Check this. What's going on?

That shit does not look...

Yo, we gotta go see
what the fuck is going on.

Shut the fuck up,

or I'm gonna put two
in the back of your head!

I'll make you
fucking shut up forever.

I can't breathe.

Yeah, I'll put two in your
fucking back, you piece of shit.

Shut the fuck up, I said.

I don't give a shit,
motherfucker.

What the fuck you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

- What's your problem, Will?
- Sit down.

- Don't get up.
- Get off my partner!

Don't get up.

Will, I'm a cop!

Right now,
you're not a fucking cop.

Let me tell you something.

Difference between us,
I'm a cop,

you're a fucking filthy pig.

- Yeah?
- Put your ass over there.

Lay on the floor over there.

You're gonna be
fucking fired after this.

Get down, get down.

Don't fucking...
Put your hands behind your back!

You don't know
what you're doing, Will!

Yeah? I'll tell you
what I'm doing.

- Gonna lose your fucking career.
- Remember?

You're in some deep shit, Will.
You have no idea.

You don't know what
the fuck you're doing, man!

Don't fucking move.

- Don't fucking move.
- Get off my partner!

Those are the last cuffs you're
gonna put on somebody. Watch!

Get off my partner!

Yo, do we got a fucking problem?

- Do we?
- Really?

Get that fucking
piece of shit hat off.

Drop your fucking weapon now.

Drop your fucking weapon!

Think I'm fucking playing?

Turn around. Put your hands
up against the wall.

Fuck you doing over here?

Don't you look. You look
straight up against the wall.

The other hand.

Like to fucking
pick on people here.

Fucking racist piece of shit.

Turn around, sit up...
Sit down on the floor.

Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down, I wanna hear
your fucking mouth.

You sit the fuck down
and shut up.

Let me go talk
to your partner over here.

You wanna put your fucking...

You wanna put
a knee on the neck?

I can't fucking breathe!

I can't breathe, Will!

Oh yeah?
Let me ask you something.

Why the fuck you got
your fucking knee

on the back of this guy's
fucking neck for?

That's the fucking
Covid Killer, you idiot!

Oh, you caught the Covid Killer?

Yeah, I caught
the fucking Covid Killer.

Oh, my bad. You know what?

Let's go see the Covid Killer.

Let's go talk to him.

Come on, let's go to him.

Get up.

Why don't you get up.

You fucking asshole.

Okay. Hold on, sit right there.

Sit right there.

This the killer? Let me see.

Hey. What's up, buddy?

Don't worry about it, you good.

You're good.
Let me take these cuffs off.

Don't make any false
moves or anything, all right?

I'm with you, trust me.

I got that scumbag
racist piece of shit

on the floor with cuffs on.

Yeah, come up, son.
Come up, come up. You're good.

You're coming up on your own.

I'm not gonna touch you.

You all right?

You know,
we're still on the job here.

Let me ask you something.
What happened?

Why did they stop you?

They didn't tell me, man.

They didn't say nothing, right?

You don't wanna
fucking tell him why?

I'm still trying
to catch my breath.

So, let me ask you something.

I'm totally straight up.

How tall are you?

- 6'1", sir.
- 6'1".

And what's your nationality?

- I'm black.
- Black.

6'1". Black.

6'1", black.

And we're looking for
a 5'7" Puerto Rican. Spanish.

Wait till my father
hears about this,

you piece of shit.

You're a disgrace
to the fucking badge.

Listen.

My name is Detective Jordan,
all right?

I'm sorry.

Okay?

There's your bag over there.

Go pick it up. Have a nice day.

Anybody bothers you,

you mention Detective Jordan.

I'll take care of them.

- All right?
- Thank you, sir.

All right. Have a bless.

And you,
you fucking cunt racist bitch,

I'm gonna take
these fucking cuffs off.

But I'm telling you right now,

I see you do any dirty shit
like that again,

there's gonna be
a different fucking ending.

Oh, and you see this fucking
piece of shit hat of yours?

This coming with me.

Fucking racist.

Fucking.

Such a tough guy, Will.

Real fucking tough guy.

You're a fucking disgrace
to the fucking badge!

This supposed to be
a fucking brotherhood.

You're going
against the brotherhood.

You got some fucking balls
to say we're brothers.

We're brothers?

Freeze!

Let me fucking ta...

Pippen!

I said, freeze!

Pippen!

Freeze!

Shit.

Freeze!

Will, take the shot!

Martina, I don't have that shot.

Take the fucking shot!

I don't have a clear shot!

Freeze, put
the fucking knife down.

Put the knife down.

All right,
listen, listen, listen.

Listen, listen.

I put the gun down.

Take me.

You want me?

Take me, leave my partner alone.

Take me!

No!

Will!

Come here!

Get him!

Get him!

Somebody help!

Somebody help!

You're fucking dead!

You fucking hear me?

You're fucking dead!

Thank you for the ride, babe.

Anytime.

Don't leave
until I get in the house.

It's why I called you
and not an Uber.

Oh, look doll, I got you.

Fucking men.

Hello?

Fucking Bryan
just left me, again,

in front of my building.

I'm so through with him.

I can't even find my keys.

What?

No.

That bitch is cra...

I think I just heard something.

No, this... Yeah, I...

It's just this COVID shit.

Everybody, like, looks
the same with these masks on.

It's... And I can't
even find my keys,

and Bryan left me.

I don't know
who the fuck that was.

I gotta go.

Keys.

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

No! Please, no!

No! Please!

Please don't kill me!

No! No!

Yo, what's up?

What? I can't bring my partner

her favorite drink?

Simply Lemonade.

And a KitKat bar.

A whole KitKat.

Hey, look,
I even got you a balloon

with your favorite colors.

Yo, the doc said
you had quick reflexes.

You caught that fucking blade
right above the jawbone.

Yo, it didn't even hit
anything vital.

You back to work no time.

Sitting next to me,
riding shotgun.

Fucking with the radio.

Taking pics.

Look at me.

What?

What?

Shoulda took the shot.

You shoulda took the shot.

Somebody
said to me the other day,

"You're the most famous
person in the world by far."

Said, "No, I'm not.
No, I'm not."

They said, "Yes, you are."
I said, "No."

They said, "Who's more famous?"

I said, "Jesus Christ."

They were talking
about the glass ceiling

the other night,
of women breaking

the glass ceiling.

So when you do 30 million

and have
a kid with the sniffles,

and they'll say it's
Coronavirus,

whatever you wanna call it,

I said the other night,

there are so many names to this,

that I could name
nineteen names, like,

Corona 19,

but I could name 19 names.

Okay, I gotta say.

- No, no, no...
- Jesus.

One of the 19 names
is not Corona 19.

It's COVID-19, or Coronavirus.

No one calls it Corona 19!

He's such an idiot!

He's a... And who cares
how many names it has?

Why is that
relevant to the story?

You know, it has so many names...

And, no, but most importantly,

you would still have Coronavirus

if you didn't test anyone!

At this point,
the latest number I just saw,

right before...
as we were going live,

A 127,000 dead in America.

If you didn't test
a single person,

those 127,000
would still be dead

from Coronavirus.

What he's saying is,
I don't care if they die,

I just don't want you
to call it Coronavirus,

because I don't wanna
be blamed for it.

You are a pathetic excuse
for a human being,

let alone a leader.

And in a startling revelation,

we're now receiving details
on what could possibly be

the Covid Killer's motives.

Apparently, the Covid's wife,
a former stripper,

who we will not
name at this time

for obvious reasons,

contracted the Coronavirus

and was admitted to Saint Mary's
Hospital in the Bronx.

She stayed at
this hospital as a patient

for several weeks,

until eventually succumbing
to the deadly disease.

Her funeral was held
a few weeks ago

at the Ortiz Funeral Home
in the Bronx.

The theory out there

is that maybe her case
was not handled well

by the nurses
at Saint Mary's Hospital,

and he blames them
for the death of his wife.

Whatever the case,
this man is hurting.

He is angry,
and he wants his revenge.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle little star ♪

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

♪ Up above the... ♪

What do you want with me?

Stop, no!

Stop! No, please don't hurt me.

Don't! I..

I'm too young!

Please don't hurt me.

Why are you doing this?

Please, I have a family!

Please, my brother doesn't...!

Leave me alone, please!

I didn't even do
anything to you!

I don't even have
the Coronavirus!

No. No.

No. No. Just...

The big news, of course,

is that
the President and First Lady

have tested positive
for Coronavirus.

In any other time in history,

this would be
the craziest story of all time.

In the year 2020, it's Friday.

Seriously, when the news broke,

2020 was, like, come on,
you had to see this one coming.

I actually
didn't see this coming.

Last night I went
to bed thinking

tonight's whole monologue
would be about NASA calling off

their mission to send
a $23 million toilet to space.

What?

We had 300 jokes on that.

Unlike the presidential debate,

I hope people
can learn from this.

If the most powerful,
most protected person on earth

can get COVID-19, anyone can,

and no one should have to suffer
through this horrible virus.

This just in.

We are now receiving information

that there is
another Covid Killer

on the streets of New York.

Police are reporting
that this second Covid Killer,

which the media
is already labeling

the Copycat Covid Killer,

has already killed three people,
that police know of.

He was last seen
in the city of Yonkers,

where he brutally
murdered an old woman,

who was described
by her neighbors as

very caring and selfless.

So I'm urging you,
pleading with you,

good citizens of New York,
stay inside.

Coronavirus
is not the only thing

that you have to
quarantine from.

There are now

two killers out there
terrorizing the city.

And they are armed
and extremely dangerous.

Guys, what did I tell you?

No wrestling in the living room!

I said no wrestling!

Yes, ma'am.

You guys are so fun.

Back off, motherfucker.

I beat you any day, old man.

Well, I will beat your ass.

Go suck on these nuts, boy.

You came out of
these nuts, motherfucker.

Not true, I never
came out of those nuts.

Yes, and into your mama.

- Hey, you know.
- We should watch a movie.

All right, maybe you're right.
Maybe you're right.

Just a little bit,

but maybe I came
from somewhere else.

I coulda came out of
a test tube, you never know.

Shit, yeah, test tube.

I'm dark, and you white,
that's not even possible.

I'm gonna get the popcorn.

You ain't shit.

- You mama shit.
- Yeah.

You guys pick a movie.

Hey, what's the punchline,
what's the punchline?

And then she said,

is that your penis or what?

So what's the new
video game coming out?

Oh! Oh, let's watch
The Businessman.

Ah, fuck, that movie's
garbage, man.

It's ass, but I love it.

Oy, G, that's my favorite movie.

His business is killing.

And his business is good.

Oh, that's the popcorn.

I'm gonna go get it,
you guys start the movie,

- I'll be right back.
- All right.

Actually, my favorite line
from The Businessman

was when you said,

"He was annoying me."

Man, he sounds like

a retarded nephew
of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

That's not nice!

Oh, excuse me,
let me be politically correct.

Mentally challenged nephew
to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Popcorn's ready!

Oh. You guys started
the movie already.

Okay.

This movie's so garbage, yo.

Ass, but good.

All right. I have to
go to the bathroom.

- Yeah.
- All right.

I'll be right back.

You guys are making
a big fucking mistake.

Don't you know
who the fuck I am?

You wouldn't
dare fucking kill me.

You got no balls.
You wouldn't fucking dare, man,

I know it. You got nothing, man.

You got nothing.

Are you out your fucking mind?

How the fuck you gonna
shoot somebody in my car?

Yeah, you done lost your...

This is it,
this is it, my favorite part,

my favorite part.

No.

He was annoying me.

Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle.

I'm taking a tinkle
and a twinkle twinkle.

And...

Will! Take the shot!

Take the fucking shot!

Where you going, Covid?

You're bleeding.

There's nowhere to run!

Turn around!

Face me! Look at me!

Look at me, you coward!

Well, New York,
it's a great day.

Biden has won the election.

Our orange nightmare
is almost over.

In two months,

Joe Biden will be
our 46th President.

I also have more good news,
and sadly, some bad news.

The Covid Killer is dead.

Yes. You heard me right.

The Covid Killer is dead.

He was shot dead
by Detective Will Jordan

right in front of the home
of his captain, Felicia Jackson.

But the bad news is,

the Copycat Covid Killer
is still out there,

and he's much more
of a vicious killer

than Covid ever was.

Every citizen
of New York should beware,

because this killer
has no discretion.

He does not limit himself
to killing just women.

He also kills men.

He's also not limited
to any type of knife slash.

He kills in all types of ways,

with all types of weapons,

and he doesn't
only kill at night.

He kills in broad daylight,

so please, I'm begging you,

the courageous men
and women of New York,

stay inside and lock your doors,

because the Copycat
is out there.

Action.

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck up!

I'm gonna put two
in the back of your head

and then you really
can't gonna be bro...

gonna be... not breathing.

Keep going,
keep going. Action.

Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up.

I'm gonna put two
in the back of your head

and then you really
won't be...

Keep it up,
keep it up. Go.

The laughing,
stop the laughing.

Stop the laughing. Go.

Hey, what's going on, brother?

- Hey. How you feeling?
- How you doing?

- Good, good. Good to see you.
- I'm feeling pretty good.

Good. Good, I'm glad.

Yeah. I see you found my hat.

- Your hat?
- Yeah.

- This is your hat?
- Yeah.

Thanks to detectives like you,

we can make America great again.

Hey, you coming into...

Coming into the kitchen. Action.

I'm saying "action"
while you're walking.

Now. Action.

Okay. You're not the Terminator.

Walk like
a normal human being,

not like you're a fucking...

The T-1000.

Damn, why is your roommate here?

- Yo, bro?
- I just...

I just wanna know what
it was like to eat the ass, bro.

Whoa,
let me record that.

We'll record that.

- All right.
- Sorry.

Okay, now you could do it.

Now you can do it.

You're like a superhero.

I'm Wonder Woman, ta-da!

Nah, you could have
played Wonder Woman.

Do my favorite,
sit on the chair...

Right?

Oh, I didn't get it.

Yeah. Cap?

I'm gonna FaceTime you.

And I'm done with these clowns.

I'm gonna FaceTime you.

You see?

Okay.

We're on our way
to the strip club.

Yo. Y'all done with us.

- Fucking clowns.
- Will, Will.

What?

I can clearly see
there's nobody there.

Jeff, they're walking
while I'm talking.

From where?

they walk, they said
these guys are walking.

Yeah, we don't
wanna do anything

to scare your children,

that's the last thing
we wanna do.

We don't want to scare anybody.

Action.

The other guy was just here.

Rolling.

Girl two,
bedroom scene.

- Wait till you say, action.
- It's fine.

Just keep doing it.

- Yeah, that's good.
- That's working.

All right, hold on.

- Enrique.
- Right here?

- All right, like...
- Okay.

All right, I gotta,
apparently, gotta do like,

clapping over here.

Am I supposed to clap over here?

This is where
I'm supposed to clap, all right.

- Hold it, hold it.
- Hold on, hold on.

This is where
we're supposed to clap.

Well, you shouldn't
even see my thong.

That's the only thing.

So just take it off, babe.
So just take it off.

Sorry, it...

'Cause then it's weird.

- Looks better.
- Because then it's weird.

All I hear is...

Yo, Enrique, stop,
I don't wanna hear that.

Then it's just weird.

But this thing could be
fucking fully clothed!

I'm just saying.

I just need to know when
the fuck I'm supposed to clap.

Or when I'm supposed to clap.