The Choirboys (1977) - full transcript

(DISTANT EXPLOSIONS)

I can't breathe.

(CONVERSING IN VIETNAMESE)

I can't breathe.

(MEN VOCALIZING)

* We're the members
of the police force *

* Bluest men in blue *

* We're the rookies
on the police force *

* Who have a job to do *

* Giving service
and protection *

* Overcoming fear *



* Each a dedicated policeman *

* To this great land so dear *

* Twenty years to go
Twenty years to go *

* Grab the pension, boys
and go, go, go *

* Pension's mighty fine
Won't be lacking mine *

* But I guess you never know *

* We are officers and brothers *

* Every race and creed *

* And we stand
beside each other *

* In every cause and deed *

* Though we're called
the nation's finest *

* Guardians of all *

* Those they try
to hunt and find us *

* But always we stand tall *



* Twenty years to go
Twenty years to go *

* Grab the pension, boys
and go, go, go *

* Pension's really neat
Keeps you off the street *

* When you've got
no place to go *

* Butter up the chief
Never cause a beef *

* Think about the pension
Ho, ho, ho *

* Light the man's cigar
Drink up at the bar *

* Nothing else
they'll have to know *

* Want to beat the rap
Take the lousy crap *

* Keep your noses clean
and blow, blow, blow *

* Never shed a tear
Have another beer *

* What else have you
got to show? *

MAN ON PA:
There'll be a meeting today
of all officers assigned to

Special Investigative Division
under Commander Thomas.

See Officer Nooney
for exact time.

MAN: Hell of a life
collecting drunks
all morning.

All right,
have a seat.
Have a seat.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Roll call.

Lyles.
Here.

Bloomguard.

Greetings and hallucinations,
Sergeant Yanov.

10-D-31.

Goodman.
Here.

Wolensky.
Here.

10-D-32.
Van Moot.

Here.

Sartino.

Here.

10-D-22.

Whalen.
Yo.

Slate.
Present.

10-D-1.

Brown.
Yes, sir.

Kingsley.
Here.

10-D-13.

Motts.
Here.

Tanaguchi.

Tanaguchi? You here?

He went to a Bela Lugosi
Film Festival
last night, Sarge.

He won't answer
to his name anymore.

I suppose you'd call that
a spooked gook, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

(SHUSHING)

Count Dracula.

(IMITATING DRACULA)
Well, don't be afraid.
Come right through the door.

(ALL LAUGHING)

10-D-74.

Rules.
Yeah.

Proust.

Proust.

Proust?

Oh, everything's
Code-4 here, sir.

(LAUGHTER)

10-D-85.

Sergeant Green.
Here.

10-L-30.
Sergeant Knight.

Here.

10-L-20.

Uh, I've been ordered
to tell you that
the Captain is uptight

about the wino
with the pocket
full of dog crap

they found sleeping
in the Lieutenant's
car last night.

(ALL LAUGHING)

They suspect
one of you guys
put him there.

Ah, Jesus Christ!
Why me? Why me
all the time, huh?

Well, whoever it was,
you'd better
knock it off, okay?

(MEN CHUCKLING)

Who's working
the desk tonight?
Anybody know?

Oh, uh, Hadley.

Yeah, well, I wish
they'd put one of
the Hadleys on day watch

so this lineup
wouldn't get
screwed up.

Is it Policeman Hadley
or Policewoman Hadley?

No Balls.

(LAUGHTER)

Huh?

We call them Balls Hadley
and No Balls Hadley.

It's No Balls Hadley.

Oh, yeah.

Hardass!

You finished reading
the crimes, Yanov?

Yes, Lieutenant.

All right, I got
a few things to say.

You can all quit griping
about how long you have
to wait in night court.

I've talked it over
with the Captain

and he's talked it over
with the Commander,

and he talked it over
with the Deputy Chief.

SPERMWHALE:
And he talked it over
with Dear Abbey

who's really running
this fuckin' department.

(ALL LAUGHING)

For your information,
Whalen,

the Captain happens
to be right behind
you men.

SPERMWHALE: Yes, sir,
I know that, sir.

I felt him there many times.

I think the Captain
was pretty good
to you, Whalen,

considering your
last fitness report.

Thirty pounds overweight.

Couldn't get your hands
down to your knees.

You got tits
like a woman.

Five days suspension
was very lenient.

I know that,
Lieutenant.

I also know shit
rolls downhill.

But why are we always
living in a valley?

You're coming up for your
pension pretty soon,
aren't you, Whalen?

Seven, eight months,
is it?

Six.

Let me make you
a promise, Whalen.

Even if you
don't screw up,

even if you
play it straight,

you can count on me.

I'll help you fuck it up
so you never
get your pension.

YANOV: Okay, I'm having
a choir practice

at my apartment
tonight after work
and you're all invited.

(ALL CHEERING)

Let's go get 'em.

How'd you like to use that
on some scrote tonight,
partner?

On what?

Some scrote.
Scrote. Scrotum.

Oh.

Scrote. I decided
it's a better word
than "asshole."

That's what
they are out there,
ain't it, Dean?

Ignorant, filthy,
shit-filled scrotes.

There you are,
a man's philosophy
expressed in a word.

Hear, hear, Roscoe.

What an insufferable creep.

Ah, come on, let's go.

Lieutenant "Hardass" Grimsley.

You know, if you pulled
a condom over his ears

you'd know exactly
what he is.

Come on, you got
six months to go
till your pension.

Don't let him
steal it from you.

How far do you
let 'em push,
damn it?

Where's the limit?

Hey, Roscoe.

You know,
the only thing
I like about you?

You just don't hate brothers,
you hate everybody, man.

You got it, Uncle Remus.

Don't you boys
get into any
trouble now.

You be careful
of the dark streets
tonight, turkey.

GRIMSLEY ON RADIO: Remember,
you guys, one car moves,
all the cars move.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING)
(ALL ARGUING)

All right, all right,
all right.

You stay right there.

Hold it, I said.

SLATE: Move back.

Well, he's behind me.
I can't help it.

It's not my fault,
it's his.

(INDISTINCT)

Move forward!

We got to get to west.

Come on!

Assholes, back off!

Watch your language.

Will you shut up!
Just pull the car
forward, you dummy!

Hey, creep. You...

(ALL SHOUTING)

Cut it out!

Pull this car forward.
Pull the car...

Will you pull
the car forward, Rules?

You guys are all
gonna get suspended!

(HORNS HONKING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

Hey, Sarge. Sarge.

Sarge, it's for you.

Hey, Lyles! Hey, hey!

Okay, Dean,
it's up to you.

What do you mean, Sarge?
What do you mean?

I said it's up to you.

Who?

Sarge, it's your landlady.

Yeah, well, ask her
what she wants.

What do you mean,
"Dean's done it again"?

What's it all
about, Baxter?

What's it all about?

That's what we're all
trying to figure out,
Dean.

Come on,
let's go beddy-bye.

I don't wanna
go beddy-bye.

Nighty-night.

She said if you don't
make those people
put on their bathing suits,

she's going to
call the cops!

Oh, yeah? Well,
you tell her there's
no cops left to call.

There's no cops left.

There's no cops left.

I want to go back
to the front room.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

Ah, come on back,
No Balls.

Hey, you and me
might be partners
sometime.

I hear you're a real cop.

A regular Dickless Tracy.

Kiss my ass!

Oh, I'd love to.

(LAUGHING)

Come on.

Oh! (LAUGHS)

Whoo!

Hey, Cheech,
you still got the
hots for No Balls?

Oh.

I love her, Spencer.

I really love her.

(EXHALES)

I am not going
to stay in that pool

while those
pea-brained chest-beaters
are fooling around.

You know that
Spermwhale tried to
pull my drawers down.

Sperm was drunk.

So he grabbed your ass.
Big deal.

We're all police officers.

Spermwhale's just...

Look, I drove you here,
I'll drive you home.

Just let me go to the can
and tell Nick Yanov
that we're leaving

and I'll get your clothes.

Well, hurry up, huh?
Yeah, yeah.

...says you talk
to your wife while
you're having sex.

Is it only
by telephone?

I think it's the funniest
thing I've ever heard.

Spencer, what did you do
with Father Cheech?

(LAUGHING)

* Don't say a word

* Don't say anything

* Let's pick it up
and make it, make it

* I love it, baby

* Make it, make it, make it

* I love it, baby

* Don't say a word

* Don't say anything

* Let's pick it up
and make it, make it

* I love it, baby

* Make it, make it, make it

(KISSING LOUDLY)

God love ya!

(SCREAMS)

Oh! You disgust...

You crazy! I'm gonna
kill you, you...

(YELLS) Oh!
Crazy deviate.

Leave me alone!

(NO BALLS SCREAMING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

You don't know
what he did to me!
I wanna kill him!

Let me at him!
I'm gonna kill him!

I'm gonna kill him!

Deanie. Come on, Deanie.

Hey, Dean. Dean, we got
a birthday present for you.

Go at it, boy.

Hey, No Balls!

No, don't!
Come on, please!

(YELLS)

Get out of here,
you animal!

ROSCOE: So this guy decides
he ain't gonna sign
his traffic ticket.

And he starts telling me
he ain't going to the slam.

So in about two seconds
he's wearing my sap
in his hair.

And I knee-dropped him.
And if you do it
just right, you know,

you can just punch
right through
the scrote's vital organs.

Just puncture his kidneys
and rupture his spleen.

Just bam, like that,
you know?

DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
Delta 18...

Then I made him
do the chicken.

You what?

It's a choke hold.
You know?

When you choke 'em out
and they pass out
and convulsions,

flop around on the ground
making funny noises.

(CHUCKLING)

(DISPATCHER CONTINUES TALKING
ON RADIO)

It was funny as hell to see.

He went...
(IMITATING CHOKING)

DISPATCHER: 10-Delta-85,
10-Delta-85.

Possible jumper,
Wilshire and Brewer.
Handle Code 3.

Uh, 10-Delta-85. Roger.

Come on, Dean.
That's no way to roger
a call like that

when an operator's
got a voice
like that, man.

She sounded
like a fox.

I'll show you
how to do this.

(DRAWLING) 10-Delta,
D for dynamite, 85.

That's a roger
on the call, baby.

That'll make her wet up
her little black pants,
won't it?

That guy on 10-D-85,
he sounds like
an insufferable prick.

(ALL SHOUTING)

It was all my fault.

I should never have
let Miss Monroe
in the office,

but she said she had
to come back
to get some things.

Yeah, yeah.
We're going to go up there
and try to talk her down.

So you tell the Sergeant
that when he gets here.
You got it?

I got it.
Come on, Dean, Jesus.

Take your hat off.

They think
you look better
with your hat off.

It's in the manual.

Oh, hi, baby.

Hey, you're kinda
foxy lookin',
ain't ya?

Say, why don't you
come on inside...

DEAN: Hey,
wait a minute,
miss. Hold it.

Hey, wait.
Wait, wait.
Wait a minute.

Now wait.
Wait a minute.

Roscoe, let's back off
and wait for
the Sergeant, okay?

We're not going
to back off nothin'.

She's a ding-a-ling.
And I know how to
handle ding-a-lings.

Now come on, baby.

I mean, nothing's
that bad, is it?

Why don't you
just come on
back inside here

and we can jaw
about it a little bit.

WOMAN: Oh!
Missy!

Now don't go any closer.

MAN: She's really
going to do it.

Now stay.
Now stay. Okay?

Stay.

Roscoe, let's go back inside
and give this lady
a chance to think, okay?

Listen, damn it!
I'm going to
handle this my way.

And I'm going to
show you something.

You want to
see something?

Well, you got
your audience here,
haven't you?

I guess that's what
you've come for, huh?

I mean, if you don't give
a shit about your life,

we don't either,
you know.

We got better things to do
than stand around up here
and baby your ass all night.

I mean, why don't you?
If you want to, just
go ahead, bitch! Jump!

(SCREAMING)

(WOMEN SOBBING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Sorry, Sarge.

We didn't get a chance
to talk to her. She...

She jumped before
we got to the roof.

I just wish we'd been there
a little sooner, that's all.

WOMAN 1: Side of coleslaw.

WOMAN 2: Two burgers,
a tuna on wheat toast.
Up together.

MAN: Hey, lady, I got
45 minutes for lunch,
not 45 years.

Gee, I hope my suitcase
is safe over there.

Huh?

My suitcase.

I just got in from Philly
and I don't know
anybody in this town.

I got a room at the motel
but it won't be available
until 9:00.

I hope my bags
are safe over there
by the door.

Oh, yeah, they'll
be plenty safe.

Sure.

No one would dare
steal anything with
a big policeman here.

(CHUCKLES)

You know,
it's very funny.

I was in Philadelphia
when I was in the army.

Really?

Yeah. You want
a piece of pie?

Sure, why not?

Uh, miss?

This is a dumb idea.

Yeah, well, you don't
have to be in on it.
This is personal.

Uh-uh. I'm with you.

All I know,
it's either him or me.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, duck down, duck down.
Don't let him see you.

Keep his attention buried
and don't look this way.

(INAUDIBLE)

He thinks he's in love.
That dummy.

All things come
to he who waits.

(SLATE LAUGHS)

Hey, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

We got plenty of time.

(PANTING AND MOANING)

(FAKE MOANING)

Let's go.

Oh, baby, you don't
seem like a Negro!

You seem
like a Samoan!
(MOANING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I hope she gives the
signal nice and loud.

(MOANING) Oh, honey.

Oh, you got balls
like an elephant

and a wang
like an ox!

That's it.

(FANNY SCREAMS)

No, no, don't shoot.
Don't shoot,
don't shoot, don't...

What are you doing here?

Lieutenant Grimsley!

We had a call
a woman was being
assaulted in here, sir.

(BANGING ON WALL)

We had no idea.
MAN: Keep it
quiet in there.

How humiliating!

Shh! Keep your voice down.

Uh, sir, there's some
dew on the lily.

Maybe you should
wash up.

No.

Look, fellas,
why don't I meet you down
at Pepe's Diner, huh?

I'd like to buy you
a couple of hamburgers

and talk to you
for a few minutes.

Sure, sure,
we'll meet you,

but I was wondering,
Lieutenant,

do we gotta
keep calling you
"Lieutenant"?

What's in a name?

SPERMWHALE: That's
what I always say,

Hardass.

(LAUGHING)

(HUMMING)

(BIRD SCREECHING)
(YELLING)

Here's another one
to cheer up your evening.

A gentleman kidnapped
a woman at gunpoint
up on La Cienega.

He stuck his automatic
down his waistband
while he made her blow him.

And right in the middle
of the head job,

she reaches up
and pulls the trigger.

Shot his balls off.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

(CLEARS THROAT)

What happened to you?

I was attacked
in the locker room.

By who?

A duck.

(LAUGHING)

(QUACKING)

YANOV: All right.
Listen up.

The... (CLEARS THROAT)

The Captain says that
the night watch hasn't
been doing very well

with the whistle
selling campaign.

(ALL GROAN)

Now, you men know that
the whistle selling campaign
is very important and...

Hey, uh, Lieutenant,
excuse me.

Is it true the station
buys those whistles
for seven cents?

Uh, I'm not sure.

And we sell them
for 50 cents
to poor old ladies

who think they can
stop crime by blowing
whistles at bad guys

until their faces
look like rotten
strawberries.

(ALL LAUGHING)

The profits go
to the Youth
Services Fund.

That's a hell of a scam,
43 cents profit.

Who was the eunuch
that thought that up?

I was the eunuch
that thought that up.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, that's a great idea.
Uh, I gotta hand it
to you, sir.

Let's hear it
for the Lieutenant.

(ALL CHEERING)

I was...

I thought maybe the troops
could get cut in on
some of the action.

That's not possible,
Whalen.

Oh, now look,
seriously, sir. I...

I have an idea
for selling whistles
to every broad in the city.

(LAUGHTER)

All right!
Knock this bullshit off!

Dismissed.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(STAMMERING)
Oh, pardon me,
I just came by

to tell Miss Farrell
how much
I enjoyed her act.

Her dancing.

Her performance?

Excuse me, Officers.

I sure have heard
a lot about you.

Hi. You must
be Spermwhale.

I'm Foxy.

Yes, you are.
You certainly are.

SLATE: Who was the guy?

Oh, you supplement your
income with him, huh?

Oh, Baxter,
you're such a prude.

He's such a prude.

I keep telling him
he's a prude.

Yeah, that's why
I love him.

When did I ever
charge you, Baxter?

Spermwhale, will you
do me a favor?

I'll be right out.
Will you wait in the car?

Well, only if I have to.

Bye-bye, Spermwhale.

Oh.

Bye, Foxy.

Baxter, come on, Baxter.

Cut it out.

Don't be so upset.
That guy's just
a club customer.

He comes backstage
just to touch
the merchandise,

to see if it's real.

I wouldn't do anything
to him if he wanted to.

I only fooled around
with him a little bit.

I wouldn't be sweet
to him like I...

You are disgusting,
do you know that?

You have no honor
and no dignity.

I know that
and you know that.

I wouldn't go down
on that old fat cat.

Come on.

Come on, Baxter.

Come here.

Come on, baby.

Come here.

Come on.

Come on, baby,
he doesn't have

the equipment
or the imagination,
not to turn me on.

You do.
You got it all.

I turn you on, huh?

Easy, baby,
you're all wound up.

Why don't you
light a joint?

I'm on duty
with that guy,
for God's sake.

He'd pick it up
in five seconds.

Okay, if you don't want
to smoke grass,

why don't you take
a couple of downers.
Okay, baby?

Relax, honey.

Where are they?

In the ice tray
over there.

Ah, it's going to
be good tonight.

I'm really in the mood.

(EXCLAIMS PAINFULLY)

(CHUCKLING)

You liked it, Baxter.

Don't you mark me up!

Don't you ever
mark me up!

How long have you
been seeing Foxy?

Too long.

None of my business, kid,
but I'd shine her on
if I was you.

She ain't exactly your type.

What's my type?

Booze and reds
don't mix, son.

Now I've seen you
take them both at once.

That's not what
scares me.

What really scares me,
Spermwhale,

is that in those Jesuit
boarding schools

where good old mom
left me most of my life,

I was taught that
there's an absolute good

and an absolute evil
and...

You didn't hear
a single damn thing
I said, did you?

You can't wait to
get out, can you?

I got it all mapped out.

Did I ever show
you a picture?

Knock it off
about that boat,
for God's sake.

Hey, it's not a boat,
it's a Monterey trawler.

Huh?

Looks fine.

Ah, she's got
20 years on her.

The hull's sound
and she's got
a brand new diesel.

I'm buying in half.

We go for salmon
in summer.

You ever fished
for salmon?

No.

Damn beautiful.

You know what, kid?
I think we can all use
some choir practice.

FRANCIS: Roscoe passed out!

This is the most
fantastic thing
I have ever done.

Look at this.
(SHUSHING)

Come here,
look at this.

I took some bread...

He took some bread.

...and I sprinkled it here.

And he sprinkled it here.

From the water...
From the water.

...to Roscoe's crotch.

To Roscoe's crotch.

I unzipped his pants...

You unzipped
his pants.

...and I stuffed some
crumbs in there.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CAROLINA: Boy,
that old duck's really
working out on old Roscoe.

Roscoe was never
one to duck a fuck,
but to fuck a duck?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, Roscoe,
you eunuch.

Wake up and look
at your crotch.

Hey, don't throw things.
You might hurt the duck.

Yeah.

Ain't that something?
He can't get his pecker
out of Roscoe's shorts.

They don't have peckers,
they have bills.

ALL: Oh!

(DUCK QUACKING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CLAMORING)

SPERMWHALE: Roscoe,
quit picking on the duck.

Goddamn!
He's lost his pants.

(INDISTINCT)

Don't you put them on me.

(LAUGHING)

Don't you put them on me.
By God, I'll kill you!

Don't kill me, Roscoe.
I'm your pal.

(ALL SHOUTING)

Let's go back
and leave him alone
for a while, all right?

Damn you!

Come on, will you?
Let's go.

Let me off of here.

I'll kill
every one of you.

I'll cut your fat heart out,
I swear to God.

Be right with you, Roscoe.

I swear to God
I'll kill ya.

Now you let me
loose, Whalen.

Get back here!

I'll kill ya!

I'll kill
every one of ya!

You got a cute
little butt, Roscoe.

I want to see
what do you mean
Dean. Alone.

(CHUCKLING)

SPENCER: Why?

(MIMICKING CHUGGING)

Maybe after Dean,

I might think
about a little

choo-choo.

(MIMICKING TRAIN WHISTLE
BLOWING)

But first, I want Dean.

(GROANING)

Oh, shit!

(LAUGHING)

What do you mean?

I'm talking that Ora Lee
wants you to go over there
and stir a bunch, boy,

that's what
I'm talking about.

All right, all right,
come on, get out of there.

All right, all right,
come on.

Out of the way,
out of the way.
All right.

Listen, Dean.
Dean, Dean.

All right,
give me a beer.

Hey, sausage face.

Dean. Dean.
Listen, Dean.

Hey, listen, kid, huh?

It's me. Dada.

Dada!

(LAUGHTER)

Dada!

It's Spermwhale.

You know me,
don't you?

Ah, it may wake him up.

Now look.

Beer, beer.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Beer, beer.

Beer, beer.
No, no, no, no, no. No.

First you listen,
then beer, beer.

What the hell is that?

My God.

A naked person.

What the hell is this?

Are you real?

Is it my imagination?

Naked, in the dark,
my God!

In the dark,
in the park.

Who in the hell are you?

Luther Quigley.

But I'll be anyone
you want me to be.

Now listen, there's some
drunks over there
by that water fountain.

You go get one of them
right now, you hear?

Oh, who needs
anybody else.

Don't you know
that three's a crowd?

I'm chained
to this damn tree.

You damn fool!

I can't believe it.

A naked man
chained to a tree.
It's... (LAUGHS)

It's a crazy, mad,
salacious fantasy!

I'll kill you
if you touch me,
you fag son of a bitch!

My, my.

Oh!

You're not
real anyway.

I'm getting faint.

(BARKING)

I'll knee drop you.

I'll rip your damn kidneys,
I'll puncture your spleen.

You'd do that for me?

Whalen! Whalen!

What's all the racket?
What is he yelling about?

SPERMWHALE:
We forgot Roscoe.
Roscoe! We're coming!

Whalen!

Amelia, come.
Come, Amelia.

Whalen!

Come, sweetheart. Come!

MAN: He sounds dangerous.
He's cracking up!

Whalen! Whalen!

SPERMWHALE: Hey,
what the hell's going on?

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

SPENCER: Yeah, that damn Dean
had us preoccupied, Roscoe.

CALVIN: Hey,
how's your wrists?

ROSCOE: Oh,
they're all right.

Okay, boy?

Roscoe, now let's talk.

No, no.

Let's talk a minute
there, Roscoe.

There was this
little faggot

who came along
and made a fool
out of me.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(DUCKS QUACKING LOUDLY)

SPERMWHALE: Roscoe.
Come on, Roscoe.

Get the gun!
Get the gun!

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hey, come on.
Somebody is bound
to call the cops.

Let's get out of here.

SPERMWHALE:
Come on, let's go.

Come on, come on!

You don't look big enough
to fight, fuck,
or run a footrace.

You one of the new kids
on the block, huh?

I'm one of
the patrol officers
on loan to vice.

Are you a policeman?

I'm a Sergeant.
I run the night watch.

The name's Dom Scuzzi.

You Lyles,
Bloomguard or Slate?

Harold Bloomguard,
Sergeant.

I said call me Scuz.
Ah.

There's no formality
in this squad.
Sit down, please.

(SIGHS)

You know, I've seen
you around, Skus, but...

Ah. Scuz as scusa me.

Scuz.

Uh, well, I've seen you
around, but I always
thought that you were...

A janitor?
I don't mind.
I don't mind.

My pop was a janitor.

Put nine kids
through school
pushing a broom.

These are clear glass.

Sure.

They make you look
even less like a cop.

If that's possible.

Harold, you're gonna
operate whores.

Oh, I don't know much
about whores, Scuz.

Nothing to worry about.

All you gotta do
is make them offer
sex for money.

You got that?
Sex for money.

You in the service?

Marines.
Good.

The broads overseas
got it made.

Sucky fucky,
five bucks.

Our girls have a thing
called entrapment.

They want to say sucky fucky
and have you say the price.

Or they want to say the price
and have you say sucky fucky.

You get that?

I think so.

It's just a word game.

You got to figure a way
to make them say
the whole thing.

Those black-robed pussies
in the courtroom have
agreed to that at least.

So make it nice
and legal.

Uh, sucky fucky,
five bucks.

Yeah, that's it.

I knew you were
a smart kid.

(LAUGHING)

Thank you.

Oh. Hiya.

Oh, hi.

These are
the other two guys
from my section.

Shit. You two look
like young, clean-cut,
healthy cops.

Why don't you look
sick and puny
like this one?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is the Sergeant.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Call me Scuz.

Uh, this is Lyles
and Slate, Scuz.

Welcome.

Sam Lyles.
How are you?

And I'm Slate.
Oh.

Glad to have you
for a couple of weeks.

Here's your coffee, Scuz.
Without cream.

Fellas, when the regular
vice cops come in,

pay attention
to what they say.

Another thing,
remember,

a vice pinch
is a misdemeanor.

I don't want to see you
getting yourselves hurt.

I swear to God,
you get yourselves
hurt, I bust you out.

Another thing, if you go
sneakin' and peekin'

and prowling
around the alleys,

pay particular attention
to the cacca.

(LAUGHING)

You got that?

Hey, Scuz.

Scuz.

Uh, what happens
if I get a parking ticket?

SLATE: We're set, Scuz.

We got two complaints
that some fruits
are hanging around

hitting on guys
when they come in.

Now, you guys are charged
with protecting the
public morals, right?

SLATE: Right, Scuz.

Now I'm gonna
leave you guys

and you wait
for a vice cop
named Pete Zoony

to come and babysit you.

Maybe 10
or 15 minutes.

Meantime, I'll take Harold
and see if he can operate
some whores for us.

You guys get bored,

try amusing yourself
betting quarters

whether the next guy
in the john is helmet
or anteater.

What does that mean?

Circumcised or uncircumcised.

May the force be with you.

Well, they're probably
holding that shoplifter

back here
in the security office,

so why don't you go
and take the report?

I'm gonna go
take a leak, okay?

Well, go on.

Okay.

(WHISPERING)
It's Roscoe!

What's he doing here?

Oh, isn't he cute?

(BOTH SNICKERING)

I can't believe this shit.

I'm Pete Zoony.

Don't bother with the bets.
I'm Jewish.

* I've got a crush on you

* Sweetie pie

(HUMMING)

(CHUCKLING)

Well, I'll be
a son of a bitch.

Oh, I hope not.

(SINGING SOFTLY)

I suppose you think
you've got a lot
of guts, don't ya?

Why, whatever
do you mean, Officer?

Oh!

You come in here
and talk to me

like I'm some kind of
damn civilian or something.

I don't care
what you are.

You're only so cute
is what you really are.

Don't you talk
to a police officer
like that.

Well, you don't
have to get angry

just because someone
pays you a compliment.

Why, you insolent faggot!

You wouldn't poke fun
at a cripple, would you?

Mmm?
You sissy bastard!

Oh, you're so cute
when you get mad.

Oh. Oh, you blue meanie.

Roscoe, don't!

(GRUNTING)
How do you like that?

Bubble butt!

Roscoe! No!

Take it easy, Roscoe!
Take it easy!

ROSCOE: Let go of me!
LYLES: He's a vice cop.

You cocksucker!

Me a cocksucker?
Me a cocksucker!

You a cocksucker!

Fucking asshole!

What the hell are
you guys doing here?

We're staking
the joint out!
He's a vice cop!

I'll stick a nightstick
up your ass,
you stupid fink!

Get off of me!

Goddamn, Roscoe,
control yourself!

Let go of me!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Hi.
Hey.

Hey, now you
stay right here.

Right here?

Yes, you stay right there.
Wait right there.

Don't move.
I'll be right back.
Don't move.

Okay.

I mean, how in the hell
was I supposed
to know, anyway?

If you ask me,
a little joke like that
ain't too funny.

I mean, I could
have choked you out

and made you do
the chicken, anyway.

I think you got off
sort of easy.

Anyway, there's no
hard feelings, huh?

No, no, Rules,
there's no hard feelings.

Listen, Rules,
I'd just like to think

that I could play
a little catch up.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Hey, you waited, huh?

Well, greetings and
constipation, ladies.

Which one of us
do you want?

(HAROLD SIGHS)

It's in venereal to me.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

How about both?

Oh, my name's Sabrina.

And I'm Tammy.

Well, my name's
Gustav Leekly.

And I'm a certified
public accountant.

Nobody asked you
what you did.

Why'd you say that?

Well, I...

Listen, what am I going
to get from you girls?

What are you
going to get?

(LAUGHING)

Whoo-hoo!

Oh!

Come on, honey,
let's get going.
We gotta get going.

You follow us
in your car.

Okay. Just a minute.
I just wanted to...

Is this... Well,
you know, the cost?

Oh, come on, honey.

We're going to talk
about the M-O-N-E-Y
when we get there.

Now you just
follow us, huh?

Look it, we don't
have all this time

to stand around here
listening to you

whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!

Hey!

Now you just follow us.
Okay.

Come on.
All right.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(HONKS)

TAMMY: Come on,
babe, let's take him
to the same place.

SABRINA: Well,
here we go.

TAMMY: Yeah.
You gonna be all right?

Is he coming?
Yeah, here he is.

Oh, there he is.

TAMMY: He's coming
right along.

SABRINA: Honey,
this is a weirdie.
Isn't he weird?

That man is strange.

Come on. Come on.

(HORN HONKS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I'm telling you,
he's gonna be
something, baby.

Come on. Come on.
Come on.

You know...
Yes?

This is an amazing
coincidence,

because your car is red
and mine is red.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yeah, I tell you.
I wonder if we could start
talking about the finances.

Oh, well, come on,
come on. Get in.

We will talk
in a minute.

Sit in the middle here.

Oh, don't worry
about the baby.

It is fine. Just
slide right over.

(OVERLAPPING TALKING)

That's fine.
Come on!

HAROLD: Hey, whoa, whoa!

Okay.
SABRINA: Here we go!

Whoo-hoo!
TAMMY: Ow!

Sorry.
You nearly broke my wrist.

I'm not trying
to do anything.

Okay. Okay, honey, okay!

Now, come on,
let's get it on.

Get it on!

(IMITATING HAROLD)
Get it on!

(ALL LAUGHING)
I tell you.

Okay, okay, tell me.
Okay, tell me.

What do you want?
What do you want?

Well, I'll tell you
what I want.
Yeah?

I wonder if it would be
possible if we could just
sort of put the top up.

You want to put the top up?

Yeah, up.

Okay. We will put
the top up for the man.

Good. It's a fancy
little bugger, isn't it?

Yeah. Top coming up?

Yeah, it's getting up.

Getting up?
Oh, stop it!
You stop it!

Oh, the top
is coming up.

Getting up.
Oh, you're a devil. Okay.

SABRINA: Anything
to please the man.

(STAMMERING)
Is this your car?

Uh, baby, my daddy
gave me this.

Oh, your daddy.
That's nice.

What line of work
is your father in?

Oh, baby, stop!

(LAUGHING)

You don't mean that?
How long have you...

Oh! The top is up!

Seven months.
Seven months.

The top is up.

The top is up, baby.

Just for you, baby.

Okay, now,
let's figure out...
What am I gonna get?

Well...

Sweetie, in this business
we have a requirement.

The man has to say
what he wants.

Now this is
a legal thing.

Well, I'll tell you.
I'm looking
for excitement.

Excitement, baby?
You got it!

You want me to draw you
a diaphragm?

A diaphragm!

Hey, baby, you don't
have to draw me
a diaphragm.

Hey, now let's take
care of business here.

Hey, now wait a minute.
Come on now!

Here, come on, baby.
Let's take care of business.

Hey, wait, wait.
No, no, no, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What do you think
you're doin'?

What the hell
am I supposed
to be doin'?

Well, I just...
We haven't discussed
business yet.

SABRINA: Business?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Okay, okay, okay.

Now, let me tell you
what we can do for you.

Uh, we can French you.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) French?

We can ball you.
French, oh, that's...

We can do anything for you
you want us to do.

As long as it's not weird.

And for 50 bucks.

Baby, that is cheap.
That is cheap.

Sucky fucky, five bucks.
Thank you.

Sucky fucky what?

All right,
here we go.

Step outside please.
Get outside.

Just get outside
the automobile.
Here we go.

Come on, just get outside.
You wait in the car.

Get out of
the automobile.
Come on.

Stand over there.
Okay.

Now, I gotcha.
I got your purses,
I got your keys,

and you're not
going anywhere
except with me.

What?
All right?
You are under arrest.

What do you mean
we're under arrest?

What do you mean
we're under arrest?

I am a police officer.

You're a what?

I'll show you
in a second.

There it is. All right.
There you go.

Metropolitan
Police Department.

What?

And Harold Bloomguard.

Oh!

Goddamn!

Oh! Shit! Shit!

Goddamn!

Oh, goddamn!

Okay. You're under arrest.
I just wanted you to know.

SABRINA: Goddamn!
Did you hear that?

Police!

Leave it to the police
department to hire
a cockroach like you!

Cockroach. Very nice.

Huh. I happen to be
a special undercover officer
for the Vice Department

and I busted you.

Oh, shit!

Come on, get outside
and get in my car, please.

All right, now
I'm sorry about this.

Shit!
I'm sorry,
but it's my job.

Sorry about
your baby,
young lady,

but it's my duty
as a police officer,
you understand?

Let's go.
Get in my car please.
Shit! Goddamn.

Rape!

Rape!

Rape!
Rape!

BOTH: Rape! Rape! Rape!

Uh, now wait, ladies.
Uh, come back.

This isn't going well.
You're resisting arrest.

Rape! Come on,
baby, run!

Goddamn!

Rape!

Ladies, I've got
my gun out
and I mean it.

Rape!

Come on!

Rape! Rape!

Ten radio calls
going on you.

People see a madman
stealing purses
and chasing two women

with his dong
hanging out!

(MOUTHING)

(CHUCKLES)

You two!
First night on vice
and look at yous!

Swacked! Suckin' up
bourbon, huh?

I was drinking scotch, Scuz.

Shut up, Lyles!

Uh, I'm going to tell you
three turkeys somethin'.

You better pay attention
because I'm gonna
supervise you personal.

Make sure
you stay alive
your time here.

Slate! Slate!

You and Lyles,
you better control
your boozin'.

You hear that?

Yes, Sergeant.

Don't call me Sergeant!

Ah, another thing
I'd like to know.

How'd that Pete Zoony
get that knot on his head?

Huh?

Lot of fucking mysteries
going on around here.

I ought to kick ass!
There's a lot of vice
sergeants in this town

that'd pat you on the butt
and write you, "Atta boy!"

for bringing down
those whores.

(WHISTLING)

(SINGING SOFTLY)

(SINGING LOUDER)

(WATER RUNNING)

(MUFFLED SINGING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(GARGLING LOUDLY)

(SPITS)

(SIGHS)

Kimmy.

Kimberly.

You awake, honey?

Sure, Sam.

I'm always awake
at 5:00 in the morning.

Sure.

Kimmy.

You feel something?

Mmm-hmm.

It'll keep you awake.

Only if you
stick it in my eye.

SPERMWHALE: All right,
let's see what
these jokers want.

Yeah, you wanted to
see me, Lieutenant?

Ah, yes, Whalen.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Knuckles Garrity.

Who took this down?

Uh...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Captain Drobeck said
we can't hang this
in the station

alongside the pictures
of the other officers
killed in the line of duty.

Why not?
Why the hell not?

Well, Captain Drobeck...

Look, Officer Garrity
killed himself,
for God's sake!

Knuckles Garrity taught me
that all a good cop needs
is common sense,

a sense of humor
and a little compassion.

Now he was a cop
for 32 years

and he finally lost
his sense of humor.

That means he died
as a direct result
of his police duties,

and that gelding of a Captain
ought to be proud
to hang his picture

on the wall
in this station.

I'm saving your ass
on this one, Whalen.

That could be five
days off your pay.

FINQUE: I'm sorry,
Whalen, the Captain...

I got a little job
that will take
about an hour,

then you take off.
Go to Dodger Stadium,
badge your way in.

The Reds are playin'.
You're on your own.

Hey, Scuz,
you believe this kid?

He's a fruit.

He propositioned me
in the park.

We can close
the complaint now.

Well, maybe you can
help him stop crying.

(SOBBING)

Hey, kid...

What's his name, Pete?

Uh, Blaney.
Alexander Blaney.

I almost had to
take him to Juvenile.

He's only 18 years old.

Kid... Alexander.

Try to stop crying, okay?
You want somethin'?

You wanna call
your mother?

Make him call his mom.

Take those irons off, too.

Look, the lady calls
herself Ms. Summers.

Just moved into
Terrace Towers.

A snitch says
she does two, three
tricks a night.

Her services
are very special.

Supposedly has
a chamber of horrors.

Thumb screws,
bands, saws.

Usually, her customers
settle for a plain
spanking with the whip.

She supposedly gets
up to a grand a trick.

$1,000 a trick?

That's two or three
grand a night.

Nothing. Roscoe Rules'd
take the job for free.

PETE: Hey, Officer...

Come here, Pete.

I'll see you guys.

Okay.

SCUZ: Sit down, kid.

(SOBBING)

Hey, you want
an ice cream bar?

Pete, get the kid
an ice cream bar.

Jesus, Scuz!

I'm not a friggin'
baby sitter.

He's a kid, Pete.

Get me one, too.
The kind with the nuts.

(LAUGHING)

Hey, what about me?
Am I supposed to
be on a diet?

Kid, how long
have you had
this problem?

I've... I've known
three years that I'm gay.

I don't know why I'm gay,
I just am.

My... My mother and father
can't understand that.

But to be arrested...

I've never been...

Look, kid,

I'm not an expert
in this field,

but I kinda think
you should get
some advice.

If I let you go,
you promise
not to go back?

Yes, sir.

Get out of here.

You know, this hooker
reminds me
of somebody I know.

LYLES: Oh! I hope
your friend's sex life
is less exotic.

Well, they're all
sisters at heart.

It's a drag
sitting here like this.

Maybe it's a phony complaint.

Why don't we
call it off, huh?
Why don't we split?

(ENGINE STARTS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Shit, man!
Knock his teeth out!

MAN: Come on, man.
Break his fucking face!
What's wrong with you?

Kill that son of a bitch!

(ALL SHOUTING)

You made me bleed,
motherfucker.
You're gonna pay.

'Cause I'm gonna
kick your ass.
You understand?

Anytime, man, anytime.

Ah, shut up, shut up!

Now who started
all of this?

Her and her daughter
are the ones that do that!

You're animals,
that's what they are.

Go back to Mexico, bitch!

I was born here, nigger.

Go back to Africa!

(SCREAMING)

All right, all right,
all right.

Let's break this up.

Come here a minute,
will ya?

I think this nigger
is the troublemaker,

so what do you
want to do?

Well, I think we can
quiet 'em down.

I don't believe
they want to fight.

So, let me take
the Mexican-American.

All right, all right.

Can I talk to you
for a minute?

Come here a minute,
would you?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What are you
going to do
about this woman?

What are you
talking about?

It's them over there.
They're the problem.

Take a walk, will you?

What's your name?

Look, man,
all I want to do

is go inside and
be with my family,
you understand?

I mean, I'm tired
of being hassled.

I work too hard
to be pushed around.

Don't you be telling me
what you want to do.

I'll tell you what
you're gonna do and
when you're gonna do it.

How'd you like to start
by taking a little trip

down to the slam
right now, huh?

For what? I mean,
I ain't did
a damn thing.

I mean,
what right do you have,
you and your friend...

I'll take you down
there personally

and book your ass
and set your
damn hair on fire

and throw you
in a fag tank.

How'd you like to
start like that, huh?

Roscoe...
What?

Let me just take care
of this man, all right?

You think about it.

What's your name?

Talk to you here
for a second.

You know, if that
little loudmouth bitch
was my old lady,

I'd just haul the little
cholo hooker back in there
and settle all this.

Why are you
doing this, man?

Twenty years ago,
I hit some dude in the
head with a beer bottle,

just for smiling
at my woman.

Yeah, well,
you're not leading

the old White Fence Gang
anymore, are you?

So why don't you just
shake hands with this nigger
and we can get out of here?

Shake hands?
I ain't shaking
no hands.

I'll tell you what to do,
greaseball.

Now what do you
think you are here,

middleweight champ
of the garbage dump
or something?

(CHUCKLES)

I never let a man
talk to me like this.

Never in my life.

You better book me now
or you better let me go
or...

Yeah, you just keep talkin'.

I'm gonna rip that
oily little old moustache
right off your face.

Go ahead, try it.

(RIPPING)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

Dirty honky motherfuckers!

(ALL CHEERING)

Gringo greaseball.

(SCREAMING)

(SIREN WAILING)

No! No!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

MAN 1: Vamos! Vamonos!

MAN 2: Quick, man,
get inside.

Come on.

WOMAN: They're coming
in the back way.

(GROANING)

POLICEMAN: All right,
check for any back doors.
You guys cover the front.

DEAN: Roscoe.

Roscoe.

Did you make him
do the chicken?

(GROANING)

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

May I have your
attention, please?

I'd like to thank
the band very much.

They were in their
usual good form.

And now, gentlemen,
or rather I should say,
ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
Deputy Chief Riggs.

(FEEDBACK SQUEALS)

Thank you, Captain.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Officers,

I hope you appreciate
that you work one
hell of a division.

I'm speaking specifically
in terms of Officer...

(COUGHING)
Excuse me.

What's his name?

It's on the citation, sir.

What did you say?

It's on the citation, sir.

Oh. Thank you.

Excuse me.

I am speaking specifically
of Officer Roscoe Rules.

Officer, forward and center.

SPERMWHALE: Can you
believe this shit?

Roscoe Rules
handed out towels
at Auschwitz.

Who said that?
Who said that in there?

I think it was
one of the coloreds.
I could tell by the voice.

Mmm.

What is this,
the-bigot-of-the-month club?

(APPLAUSE)

Officer Rules,

you have won the Department's
monthly exemplary
service citation.

Before I give
this to him,

I'm going to
say something
to you people.

If he were out there
on the streets

and got into a fight
with a suspect,

he wouldn't let his head
get kicked in. No.

He ought to be
arrested on a 794.

What's that?

Dispensing bullshit
without a license.

This is an officer that
wants to do something
about this town.

Thank you, sir.

He ought to be
a meter maid
in a pay toilet.

Before you people
hit the streets,

there is something
you should hear that
just came over the news.

The murderer of
Officer Nate Crenshaw

has just been
acquitted by a jury.

Huh?
(CHUCKLES SCORNFULLY)

The jury
chose to believe
the dope dealer

when he said he thought
the undercover man
was a bandit

and he shot
in self-defense.

Huh? Now that is
the world we live in!

What this country needs
is a little old-fashioned,
hard-fisted government. Huh?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Chief,
for a most
inspiring speech.

All right, men,
let's go to work.
Dismissed.

MAN: Congratulations, Chief.

(BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Congratulations, Chief.

You've just succeeded
in turning 85
even-tempered men

into seething
brutal vengeance.

Thank you, son.

God damn it, Calvin,
those frigging teeth hurt.

I can't help it.
I ain't bitin' you,
am I?

Well, he's your partner.

I ain't got no
control over him.

He's a maniac.
Everybody knows that.

You know, it really
gets depressing

having that goddamn
Francis draped
around your neck

all the time.
Mmm-hmm.

(YELLING)

God damn you,
Francis!

MAN: If he doesn't lay off,
I'm going to go after him.

Hey, Francis,
go back in your hole.
It's still daylight.

If you think he's bad now,
wait'll he gets...

No, don't do it, Francis.
Don't do it, Francis.

(GROWLING)

I'll stuff those goofy teeth
up your skinny ass
if you don't knock it off.

MAN: All right!

I shall.

(MEN LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING FAKE LATIN)

(MAN WHOOPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)

(SHOUTING)

(CONTINUES IN FAKE LATIN)

(MEN LAUGHING LOUDLY)

MAN: Now he's really dead.

What do you say,
could you use another

little choir practice
tomorrow night?

Oh, boy.

After Roscoe's
shootout with the ducks,

we should stop
choir practice.

Oh, nobody got hurt.
But I had a little
talk with Roscoe.

You're kiddin'?

No, I told him.
No more guns
at choir practice.

I'm not going
to have people
shooting at ducks.

What did he say?

He said, "How about
shooting at fags?"

(LAUGHING)

Oh.

Swing by that
Terrace Towers.

Terrace Towers?
Yeah.

LYLES: Hey, hey,
the light's on.

Let's wait for
a couple of minutes.

Hey, come on, Sam,
we're not working
vice anymore.

I know.
Don't you think I know?

HAROLD: She just
walked by the window.

LYLES: Yeah.

Hey, Sam, wait a minute.

I think she's got
something around
her neck.

It looks like a belt
or a whip or something.

No kiddin'!

She must have
a trick up there.

I'll be damned.
It is true.

She's whipping him, Sam.

Come on, let's go.
Yeah.

You had to come
here, didn't you?

Didn't you, baby?

Maybe we can
bust this chick.

You want to come here
and be with me?

You wanna be
with me, baby?

Huh? You want it?

Come on.

Do you want it?

Oh, yeah,
you want it.

You want me to
play you some music?

(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)

You want it?
Tell me that
you want it, baby.

Ow!

What are we going to do
if she doesn't
answer the door?

We don't even
have a warrant.

Please.

It's a customer, baby.
I'll be right back.

Be right back, baby.
Be right back.

Who is it?

The assistant manager,
Miss Summers.

There's a gas leak
on this floor.

We're evacuating
the building.

Don't move.

You stay here
with my partner.

I'll have a little talk
with your friend
over here, huh?

Baxter!

Oh, my God!

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SLATE SOBBING)

(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)

What's going on?

Oh, don't look at me!

Is everything all right
in there, Sam?

Harold.

Yeah, it's...
It's okay, Harold.

It's okay.

I thought we didn't
work vice anymore, Sam.

Baxter, why you?

I don't know. God!

Do you think
I know why?

Sam, I can't move.

Will you help me
get out of this thing?

Oh, Baxter, I'm sorry.

Jesus!

What did you let her
do that to you for?

I'll... Well, I'll...

I'll kill that hooker.
But she's a friend
of yours then.

She's home free this time.
What are you doing?

She's not my hooker.

You paid her,
didn't you?

No.

Lady, everybody
gets treated the same.

You get one dime,
one call.

You wanna call
your lawyer, fine.

If you wanna
call your mother,
it's okay with me.

Could you...

Could you meet me
someplace?

After you get off duty.

You know,
any place, just...

Just let me talk to you.

Baxter,

what do you want
from me, huh?

I just wanted...

I don't want
anything from you.

Let's go, Harold.

Well, what about
the call?

We made a mistake.
God damn it, let's go!

You get your rocks off
doing this, don't you,
you bastards?

If you had a little
peace and quiet
in your own neighborhood,

you wouldn't
come around here!

Scum!

You low,
scum-sucking freak!

You groove on pain, huh?
I'll teach you about pain.

If I ever find out
you're doing this again,

I'll come back
and break your
fuckin' legs!

Can you dig it?

You move out
of this town. Fast!

MAN 1: Hey, Tom?
MAN 2: Yeah.

What time you got?

I got two minutes
after 4:00.

Hey, cool it.

Baxter Slate is dead.

They just found him
in his apartment.

He...

He shot himself.

Um...

(STAMMERING)
I'd like to see the
death report on that.

I can't go into
Homicide cases.

I'd like to see
the death report,
please, Yanov.

No.

You don't want
to see it, Sam.

Excuse me.

(SOBBING)

Johnson, O'Brien,
10-D-19.

Landlady heard the shot.

Where'd you hear that?

A detective with West LA
is a friend of mine.

What did he say?

Nothing.

Next of kin
is his mother.

She's in Hawaii
or someplace

with her 22-year-old
boyfriend.

Jesus.

Oh, shit!

(HORN HONKING)

I knew things
could get worse.

(WHISTLES) Ha!
You're all under arrest.

Oh, just couldn't
go back to the station

without stopping by
to tell you all something.

Tell us what, Roscoe?

Well, I ran into this
Homicide dick down
at Central that you know.

You know what
he told me?

(CHUCKLING)

Um, he told me that
when they posted

Baxter Slate's body
down there at
the coroner's office...

You remember your
partner, don't you?

He said he had whip marks
all over the back of him.

(LAUGHING)

Whip marks!

Whip marks!

He was some kind
of a damn pervert!

(YELLING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

What did you do,
kill him,
you motherfucker?

Sam, cool it.

Roscoe is an asshole,
but he didn't kill Baxter.

All right, Lyles,
come on, you...

Shut up!
Roscoe!

Now if you don't collect
your mind and relax,
I'm gonna relax ya!

Come on!

You'd better let go
of me, Dean.

Fuck you!

Sam, let's talk.

I've got nothing
to talk about.

I think we have to.

God damn you, Harold.

I want to help.

Help?

Leave me alone.

FRANCIS: Come on, partner.

CHEECH: I can't
even get drunk.

CHEECH: Spencer didn't
have any trouble.

All right, watch his head.

(ALL GRUNTING)

We'll just set fire to him
and forget about it, huh?

No, no, leave
the door open.

He needs all the air
he can get.

Roscoe, cool it
with the hard stuff.

Standing there in uniform
in case you didn't know.

And that funny little
wagon over there
is a police...

(GROANS)

Harold?

Is that you?

Is that you, padre?

Who is it?

What's...

What's going on?

(MUMBLING)

Go to sleep.

Give me a vodka.

I'd like to know
where all this pussy is
that's going to show up.

You want somethin'?
Yes, it's there.

Let's start getting
some of this shit
back in the car.

Come on, grease,
you pick that up.

Roscoe sure
is a charmer,
isn't he?

That's what you
gotta put up with
when the booze is free.

Oh, that's great.
We got two of them
in there now.

Look at 'em,
spilling all this.

Put that in there.

Get back
before they spill
all the rest of it.

(MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(EXPLOSION)

Aah!

Oh, my God,
I can't breathe!

Harold!

Help me.

Let me talk to you.

Baxter!

Baxter!

Help!

God! Oh, God, help me!

(GRUNTING)

ROSCOE: Guess what
we got now?

Damn scrote Lyles
asleep back there
with Spencer in the van.

We're gonna have
two of 'em to wash up now.

Did you close the door
to the wagon?

Oh, no, I just
left it wide open.

Sam doesn't like
to be closed in.

LYLES: Somebody
help me, please.

Baxter!

Oh, my God!

(LAUGHING)

He shot a park faggot.

It's okay, it's okay.

What happened?

...three, four, five.

Wait a minute.
I'm just gonna...

Is it okay?

Come on, boy.

One, two, three, four, five.

Oh, you guys are doing
a hell of a job there.

FRANCIS: One, two...
Shut up!

...four, five.

Spermwhale.
Spermwhale.

You're wasting your time.

What the hell
are we going
to do now?

All right, I'm going
to take Sam back
to the station.

And I'm going to tell them
that just he and I were alone
in the park, you know.

We stopped by after watch
to have a couple of beers.

And I guess we had
one too many.

We got drunk
and he fell over,

and when he fell
he broke his glasses.

Yeah, what
about the gun?

He dropped his gun
when he fell, right?

And as he picked it up,
this kid was walking by,

some park fairy,

and he accidentally
pulled the trigger
and he blew the kid away.

What about the glass
and the blood
in the truck?

Uh, we'll take
care of that.

Wait a minute.
The gun was fired
five times though.

That's right.
So I'm going
to replace

four of the shells
from Sam's piece

with live rounds
from my own.

It's no fuckin' good.
It won't work.

But I'll tell you
what will work.
Sam and I were...

Spermwhale,
you better take
a look at Sam.

(LYLES GROANING)

I'll say I was here.

Don't be an asshole.

It was just Sam and me,
and I saw Sam
take his gun and...

Damn it, Spermwhale,
you've got 20 years
to protect.

You're as good as
pissing your pension
right down the sewer

if you open your mouth.

Francis is right.
You can't get involved,
Spermwhale.

HAROLD: It'll be okay
if everybody just
keeps their mouth shut.

And you let me
handle it.
All right?

Spermwhale?

Spencer,
are you with us?

Let's get the hell
out of here.

Come on, Sam.
Let's beat it.

(LYLES WHIMPERING)

RIGGS: He did what?
Now wait a minute.
When?

Oh, go fuck yourself!

Lyles is in
a psycho ward.

One of Treadwell's
detectives sent him in.
Can you...

Well, he ought
to get 10 days
suspension for that.

Ten days? I'll give him
a fuckin' 30 days
if I get my hands on him.

Some shrink
at General Hospital
says he's catatonic.

Won't let us talk to him!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What about that, uh,
Bloomguard?

He's still sticking
to his story, sir.

Well, that stinks.
It's fishy.

I tell you it's shit.
There's a cover-up
going on.

I won't let those bastards
get away with it.
I want their names.

GRIMSLEY: The IAD
will get them, sir.

No IAD.
No outside investigation.

You've told the Chief
about this, haven't you?

I haven't told him
a goddamn thing.

You out of your
fuckin' mind?

What do you want me
to say to him?

I can't handle the men
in my own divisions.

They're out shooting up
MacArthur Park at night.

He'd have my ass,
for Christ's sake!

Shit.

You're going
to have to tell him
before the day is out.

I know, I know.

Sir, when I worked Fairfax,

Lyles and Bloomguard
used to hang around
with a bunch of creeps.

Including the one
who shot himself.

And a fat slob
by the name
of Whalen.

I'd get Whalen in
and sweat him.

RIGGS: I'm not going to try
to fool an old veteran
like you, Whalen.

I'm not going to try
to fool you
about anything.

That's good, Chief,

'cause I ain't got
nothin' to say.

Do you expect us
to believe that?

I don't give a fuck
what you believe.

(LAUGHS) Ooh!
Quite a record here.

A history
of insubordination.

No wonder you've been
on patrol for 20 years.

I like working patrol.

Did I just
say 20 years?

I'm sorry.

Nineteen and a half.
I forgot.

I mean, that close
to your 20-year pension.

And now what do you get?

Nothing.

Listen, Chief...
No, no.

No, you listen to me.

Now maybe Lyles
wasted that faggot
practicing his quick draw,

or maybe he was practicing
shooting at beer bottles
and the fruit happened by.

I don't know how it happened
and I don't really care.

But what I do care
about is the truth

and I'm gonna
get it out of every
man that was there

or I'm gonna push
for an involuntary
manslaughter against Lyles

and you're gonna have
your ass on trial
as accessory after the fact.

If you know so much,
what are you fucking
with me for.

Because I got you
right by the balls,
that's why.

I'm trying to help you out.
Look, you're 53 years old.

You're an old,
crude, fat man.

You're fired from here,
where do you go?

You'll look for a job?
Doing what?

You couldn't get a job
cleaning out shithouses.

And not a dime
of your pension
after almost 20 years.

Not a dime! Ha!

Oh. Yeah, I forgot.

We found a very
interesting fingerprint

on a bourbon bottle
out there in the park.

Guess who?

Now I am willing
to make a deal.

I want the whole
story on this.

You give it to me
and you're out,
you're free.

You get your pension.

We wipe off
the last six months
you've got left to serve.

You want me to say
I was there?

I know you were there!
I want to know who
was there with you.

What?
Names! I want names!

Christ sakes...

Look, I want to
nail these guys
once and forever.

You can slip out of town.
They won't know you did it.

You can go where
the fuck you want.

No, God damn it, I can't.

You can't, huh?

Well, you don't,
you'll find yourself
in front of a trial board

and you're gonna have
criminal prosecution!

Now I promise you that.

And you won't have
one goddamn thing left

after 19 and a half years
down the crapper!

I'll throw
the fuckin' world at you.

Now you got five minutes
to make up your mind.

Hi, Tommy,
how's it going?

Not bad.
How's the supplies
holding out?

We're gonna
need some stuff.
I'll give you a list.

I could have used you
out there today.

Engine's acting up.

Why don't I check
with you later?

John, how are ya?

Hi, Spermwhale.
Here's your mail.

Hiya, John,
how are you doin'?

How's fishin'?
Ah! Half a ton, maybe.

Not good, huh?
No.

Well, there's this
about fishing.

There's always hope
the next time out
it'll be better.

Uh-huh.
See you now.

I'll see ya, John.

CALVIN: Dear Spermwhale,

who let you out of town
before we had a chance
to say some things.

The guys have
had it here.

They're at the
bottom of the pit.
All except me.

It was the first time
I was ever lucky
in my life.

I was in night court.

So I'm the only guy
that's not being penalized.

The rest are all
pleading guilty
to what the brass wants.

I'm working every day,

and because I am,
the guys asked me
to tell you

that they don't
hold it against you.

You left without
talking to us.

That was because
you were ashamed
to see us.

But don't be.

You did the only
thing you could.

You beat the system.

We'd have all done
the same thing.

There isn't any one of us
regrets you did it.

Good luck.
Good fishing. Calvin.

P.S. I cut this article
out of the Times.

It's the story
that Chief Riggs
gave to the paper

about what happened
that night.

And you got this
from the Monterey
newspaper?

Why'd you release
that story?

You had the truth.
You told a lie.

What did you
want me to do?

Asshole, what did you
expect him to release?

That eight drunken cops
were accessories
to a murder?

That's 10 years
in prison.

What are you going to
say about that, huh?

And what's he got them on?

Trumped-up charges.

They're getting
six months
suspensions.

That's a damn sight
less than they deserve
and you know it.

Bullshit six months.

Come on, Spermwhale,
this man's got very
important things to do.

Let's get out of here.
Come on.

They showed you up
an asshole, Riggs.

You can't take care
of your own store.

And you'll
crucify these guys
when they get back.

Oh, you miserable prick!

You open this up,
it's not too late,

I can still take
your pension.

You lied to the press.

You lied to the public.

Oh, holy shit,
Chief, he's right.

What did you
expect me to do?

You lied to your superiors
and the police commission.

You stone-walled it.
Buried it!

Ah, hey, Chief.

He wants to take
your fuckin' pension.

He wants to
send you to jail
and everything.

Withholding evidence.

Filing a false murder report.

Suspending officers
on false charges.

Yeah, that's a criminal
prosecution, Riggs.

I got his fuckin' pension.

Ah, you're bluffing.
That calls for
a murder charge.

They haven't
got the guts!

Haven't they?

Read about it.

You dumb prick,
we'll all go to jail!

You said it, Chief.

Well, we...

What do you want?

You wipe it
off the books.

They've got to take
some suspensions.

SPERMWHALE:
No suspensions.

I can't.
It'll look bad!

Fuck you looking bad.
No bad time.

They go back
on patrol tonight

and you stay
off their asses.

You cocksucker!

Hey, not me, Chief.
I'm not the one
on my knees.

All right!

All of it?

Well, you got
what you wanted,
get out of here.

Son of a bitch!

Now you owe me a buck.

But you were bluffing.
You friggin' fucked me!

You sons of bitches!

Well, that does it.
You are off pension
and you're fired!

Now that's it.

Oh, boy, I knew
those bastards
didn't have the guts.

Come on,
you're full of shit.

You don't want
to do that, Chief.

You really don't.

Signed depositions.

Seven of them.

I'll see you
around, Chief.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Think the Chief
needs a massage.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, no, no.
Give me five.