The Cannonball Run (1981) - full transcript

- (Horn toots)
- (Giggling)

(Engine roars)

(♪ Ray Stevens: Cannonball)

(Tires screech)

(Siren)

(Man in car) Headquarters, we are still
in pursuit of the black Lamborghini.

(Man on radio) Car 42,
you've been in pursuit for two hours.

Another five minutes
and you'll be in Arizona.

(Man in car) Yeah, and we're gonna
stay in pursuit until we catch him.

(Man on radio)
It didn't take us that long to catch Dillinger.

(Engine roars)



Hi, guys. JJ?

- JJ?
- (Man) Victor!

(Gasps) Ooh! Um...

- You're two hours late.
- I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.

- Where the hell you been?
- Oh...

I'm sorry.

The fuel-injection system.
It's driving me crazy.

I'm really sorry I'm late, but one of
my hamsters had an anxiety attack.

I couldn't leave him
till he was settled down.

He was acting so crazy,
he ate a piece of tail,

and Henrietta
wasn't even bothering him.

Then he ate his treadmill. Whoo!

They got vets for that.
We got other things to worry about.

Hamsters are a big responsibility.



Let me paint you a mental picture,
all right, Victor?

I want you to think of your hamsters
as a little army

marching along on a treadmill,

running their little legs off,
just running as fast as they can,

making that engine
just purr right along the road.

Oh, JJ.
What a wonderful way to put it.

(JJ) Hm!

Wouldn't it be great if we could share the glory
of winning the Cannonball with them?

(Gasps) That would be a real team effort.
You, me, the hamsters and... him.

- (Thud)
- (Spring boings)

Don't start with him.
I don't want to talk about him.

- If you need any help...
- Damn it, I don't want to talk about him!

OK.

(Phone rings)

Sir James!

Oh, my God. You again?

Fenderbaum, do me a favor.

You're drawing flies.
Get the hell out of here.

No. Wait a minute, Greek.
Only thing I want to know is,

how are you figuring the odds
on this Cannonball cockamamie?

It takes brilliance
and years of hard work.

And you wouldn't understand
any part of that.

Do me a favor.
A race is a race, right?

The only thing you gotta do
in the Cannonball is drive steady,

stay out of trouble
and have a good cover.

3,000 miles,
averaging 85 miles an hour.

Do you know what that is?

You want to talk
or do you want a bet?

(Victor) Anti-radar paint, turbo-charged.
JJ, nobody can stop us now. (Chuckles)

Nobody.

(Tires screech)

What are you, some kind of nut?
Who do you think you are?

Dun-dun-dah!

I am Captain Chaos.

And this -
this is my faithful companion, Cato.

Say hello, Cato.

Been a cop long?

That's funny.

- You wanna talk or you wanna bet?
- You've got 50-1.

And you know what you got?
You got yourself a bet.

Twenty big, large ones.

That's a million dollars.
Ha-ha! If you win.

I don't know if you know my partner.
Jamie, you remember Jimmy the Greek.

- Hmmm!
- (Greek) Ha! Jamie Blake.

You used to drive that Formula One.

When high-buttoned shoes
were in style.

Let me tell you something, Greek.
We got a secret weapon.

God is our copilot.

You'll need him.

- God is our copilot?
- Mm-hm.

Remember our car?

- Yeah.
- Two seats.

Two seats.

Where's he gonna sit?

Where?

(JJ) Listen to me, el Porko.

We're not in the Indianapolis 500.

We can't have a car with numbers on it.

- We have to camouflage the car somehow.
- (Victor) Like what, JJ?

How about a limousine with diplomatic plates?

- Nah.
- No.

I know. A bloodmobile.

- Never stop a bloodmobile, would they?
- Nah.

Ice-cream truck. An ice-cream truck.
You know, they got to get there before it melts.

Nah.

Terrific.
We're out of beer, Victor.

Sorry.

(Gasps) Take it easy! You're acting crazy
since this Cannonball thing.

(JJ) I'm gonna pull in here
and get some beer, all right?

(JJ) How about an armored personnel carrier?
They wouldn't stop that, would they?

(Screaming)

(Car horns toot)

(Tires screech)

(Victor) Hey, don't bother to park!
I'll be right out. (Hums tune)

(Sings Budweiser jingle)

Thank you.

We could get a black Trans Am.
No, that's been done.

(Screaming)

(Birdsong)

Hello, Mother.
I trust you had a pleasant day.

A nightmare. A living nightmare.
You are killing me, Seymour.

Killing me a slow death
with this idiot spy business.

- Mother, you don't understand.
- What is there to understand?

I'm looking at my son,
Seymour Goldfarb Jr,

son of Seymour Goldfarb,
God rest his soul,

and heir to the Goldfarb Girdles fortune.

And what is he doing?

Walking around, acting,

like he was some goy movie star
named Roger Moore.

And for this
I sent you to the best schools?

For this I'm spending 8,000
on orthodontia work?

For this I'm going broke,
paying that Beverly Hills analyst?

And now... Ha-ha!

...this.
- (♪ James Bond music)

The sleep-in maid found it
under your pillow this morning.

What is the meaning of this?

The meaning, Mother dear,
is a quick death.

I warned you
not to interfere in my affairs.

Seymour, put that away.
It's liable to go off.

I'm terribly sorry, Mother,
but you know too much.

You see, in my business,

even the deepest family relationships
aren't worth a farthing.

Farthing, schmarthing.

- No.
- Zei gezunt, Mama.

(Pop)

- Oy! Where did I go wrong?
- (Seymour laughs)

You know something, Mama?
You're too Jewish.

(JJ) We could always
go with a nice, plain-Jane Chevy,

with a truckload of Sidewinder missiles!

(Victor) Maybe you should slow this down
just a little bit!

- I can't hear you!
- I said, you're making waves!

You're bothering the people!

What the hell has going too fast
got to do with being in the Cannonball?

JJ, you're making very big waves!

- Hi. How are ya?
- (Yelling)

Aaargh!

(Screaming)

- (Crashing)
- (Siren blares)

You guys are lucky.
You tore the heck out of that boat.

- You all right, Victor?
- Oh, I'm fine, JJ.

It only hurts when I point.

You know,
maybe it would've been better,

if you didn't pay so much attention
to those girls.

- Nobody's perfect.
- That's true.

Nobody's perfect, but him.

(Victor) Sorry.

How far is it to the hospital?

- About ten miles.
- Oh, yeah?

- How long will it take us to get there?
- About four or five minutes.

You can smoke through traffic
like shot through a gun in this thing.

(Both laugh)

Argh!

(♪ Theme music)

(Speaks foreign language)

Jackie Chan.

Here's Johnny!

(Applause)

(Speaks foreign language)

Jackie Chan. (Mimics engine revving)

(Applause)

Godzilla movie. (Chuckles)

(Applause)

Michael Hui.

(Speaks foreign language)

Excuse me.

(Giggling)

(Bleeping)

(Both chuckle)

(Chan shouts)

(Both argue)

(Bleeping intensifies)

(Crashing)

(Hissing)

(Speaks Arabic)

(Camel grunts)

Camel.

Not the Camel, schmuck.
Winston.

Ah!

(Speaks Arabic)

Starting tomorrow, you and George
will be riding in the car with me.

Yes, sir.

(Prays quietly)

How goes your driving, my brother?

Allah be praised, dear sister.

My speed is rivaled only by the lightning bolts
from the heavens!

(Thunder)

And I suppose you still intend to go through
that race with the infidel Americans.

- The Cannonball will fall to the forces of Islam!
- (Thunder)

My dear sister. I pledge it!

Drink! Drink!

- The car will be there, correct?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.

Don't forget to cancel
the board meeting on Monday.

I'm going to spend a week in Spain
at the castle.

Yes, Mr. Compton.

I want you to find an old friend
of mine, a Mr. Shakey Finch.

He is the finest long-distance
motorcycle rider in this nation.

- You got it?
- Yes, Mr. Compton.

The board has asked me
to express their concern one more time.

- Please reconsider.
- Not possible, Arthur.

The board will have to permit me
this one indulgence to my ego.

(♪ Sings: I've Gotta Be Me)

(All gasp)

(Continues singing)

- Boy, ain't he something?
- Are you kidding?

That is the dumbest thing I've seen since
that dimwit tried to jump the Grand Canyon.

(Siren)

He's still on our ass.

I don't think... I don't think...
I don't think he's a-bluffing, either.

Now, don't you worry, son.

I'm gonna lose him
right up here at the motel.

Hey, I remember.
There's a spot...

There... There's a spot in... right in back,
and it's a perfect spot to hide.

All right. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

Take a... Take...

- Left.
- Oh, hell.

- Take a left.
- Left.

(Tires screech)

- I can't see shit. Can you?
- No problem, son. No problem.

(Screaming)

What was that?

(Siren approaches)

That's... That's...

That's p-p-p-p-perfect.

That's better than hiding it...
That's better than hiding it out back.

I know.
But the only problem we got now,

is we have to go and retune it.

All right?

Let's go get a beer first.

Yeah, let's go get a... Let's... Beer.

I'd like to thank Mona Corson of Westport

for that wonderful luncheon of
hemp sandwiches and woodchip consommé.

(Single handclap)

And now,
the moment you've all been waiting for.

This is a titty turn...
Terrific turnout for the meeting.

- Yes, terrific.
- He led the campaign

to ban the use of electric toothbrushes
during peak load hours,

- and to sound the alarm...
- (Snoring)

I suppose you, uh...
came here to hear me speak.

No, no, not really. I'm into trees.

Ah.

Trees.

Friends of Nature love trees,
so I come to the meetings.

That's very interesting.

I love anybody who loves trees.

Well, they happen
to be a great passion of mine.

You know what I like best about trees?

No, what?

That you can lie under them
on a moonlit night

with the breeze blowing,

bawl your brains out.

- (Crushes paper)
- (Chairwoman) Mr. Arthur J Foyt.

(Applause)

Mr. Foyt. Mr. Foyt.

Give that sucker some juice.

The only thing hiding it... hiding it...
hiding it in the... pool

did was... m-make it p-purty.

It ain't running worth a shit.
And it's wet.

I know that.
Just hit it one more time, all right?

(Engine turns over, fails)

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

I know what's wrong.

Don't think for a minute...

- (Feedback whines)
...that we in Washington

don't appreciate your Mothers' March

to ban the sale
of colored toilet paper

to, uh, help reduce irritation of the, uh...

- (Microphone echo) rectum!
- (Feedback whines)

(Chuckles)

But today,
I want to direct my remarks

to an old and familiar enemy.

The automobile.

All right. One more time.
Let me hear it.

(Engine growls)

Ha! It's...

- I-It reminds me of a, uh... a poem I wrote.
- (Engine roars)

The automobile, the automobile...

(Engine revs)

(Engine roaring)

(Screaming)

(Man 1) Who was that?
(Man 2) Get your hand out of my face.

Are you all right?

They picked on the wrong one this time!

I guarantee
they're gonna pay for this,

because when the going gets tough,
the tough get going!

(Both giggle)

She's running good now, buddy.

I still think we ought to paint it.

If we're gonna paint it, let's go ahead
and Midasize it, all right?

Hey, there's the motel.

Look at the parking lot.
The Cannonballers have it all jammed up.

Man, I can't handle this traffic.

Hold on to your lunch pail.

- This may get a little weird.
- Wait a minute.

(Tires screech)

Slow down!

(Screaming)

- Hey, you the one running this fleabag?
- Huh-uh!

- Where the hookers?
- What?

Hookers, man. Where the hookers?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Hello, Mad Dog.
- Hey, JJ.

You probably didn't realize,
but the parking lot's outside.

- I know. Brakes went out.
- Do you think you're the President?

(Mimics Richard Nixon)
Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear.

We feel terrible about it.
And if they can't take a joke...

(Victor chuckles)

Thank goodness.
We just had a terrible accident.

- We'd like to help you, but we're off duty.
- This man looks bad. Maybe he's dead.

You should call the coroner.
JJ, he don't look too good.

Nah.

- He's just had his bell rung.
- Can't you do something?

- I mean, you're professionals.
- This is our day off.

Will you guys do something?

This man's life is hanging by a thread!

Victor. (Snaps fingers)

You have to be very scientific about this.
It could go up the nostrils, affect the sinuses.

That's true.

Hm?

(Groans)

There.

Don't bother about the bill.

Just give him a couple of enemas
and call me in the morning.

Hi. How's it going?

- Perfect.
- We'd like two singles.

JJ McClure, Victor Prinzim.

I'll be in the bar.

I always like a couple of drinks
right after surgery.

(Tires screech)

I wonder why that guy
parked his truck in the lobby.

Only in America.
Get me 12 suites.

- Better yet, the entire floor.
- Yes, sir.

Ah! Too much couscous.

I sure as H
would like to get my hands on

those Hell's Angels
who were driving that truck.

But it's probably just as well,

because I am a wild bull
when I lose my temper.

- I love wild bulls.
- Oh!

It's really funny that you should...
Oh, my God. It's them.

- "Them" who?
- Those Hell's Angels.

- They could be part of a terrorist group.
- I don't know.

But this place is filling up...
with some real hoodlums.

(Foyt) Did you see anything weird back there?

- No.
- I'm gonna find out.

Why is it so difficult for you
to find a doctor?

It's very, very hard.

It's not easy finding a doctor
to take off like that.

- Dr. Gay doesn't even leave his house.
- If you're gonna win the Cannonball

driving an ambulance,
you have to have a doctor in the...

What does Dr. Gay do?

He's my shrink.
He was committed yesterday.

- Why?
- He was smoking bananas.

(Sighs)

He gets very upset when he talks to...
him.

- So do I.
- Oh.

Sorry.
I don't want fruit in my drink.

(Splat)

Congratulations. Here's to you.
Good luck.

- Much obliged.
- And to you, Father.

(Laughs)

You dumb shits.

They haven't got a chance.
You know what?

I think I'm gonna call the Greek
and put another 10,000 on us.

(JJ and Victor laugh)

- JJ.
- Mm.

What about those two?

Maybe... Maybe one of those beauties
could be our patient.

- Both of them could be.
- Woof!

Hm. I could be very patient with those patients.
They're very lickable... very likeable.

Tell you what. Let's, the two of us,
go over there and talk to them.

- OK.
- I'll do all the talking.

- Victor, you just think about the doctor.
- OK.

- (Bones crack)
- Argh! Ooh!

(Blows) Oh!

(Groans)

- Good evening, ladies.
- Evening.

My name is JJ McClure.
This is Victor Prinzim, my executive assistant.

- Hi...
- I'll do the talking, Victor.

Terrorists, my dimpled ass.

These people make terrorists
look like the Sisters of Charity.

These guys are Cannonballers.

What is that, a bowling team?

We're the favorites
to win the Cannonball tomorrow,

and I was wondering if one of you,
or both of you,

might like to ride in the winning vehicle.

That would be very exciting.

Exciting.

But we're Cannonballers ourselves.
Thank you.

They're Cannonballers?

And, as for the winning vehicle, well,
we'll just have to wait and see.

You haven't seen our equipment.

Equipment?

Equipment.

(Mimics Donald Duck)

(Victor laughs wheezily)

Hi.

Don't tell me your name.
Let me guess.

Melissa.

No.

Juliette.

- No.
- Betty?

No.

I'll just call you Beauty, OK?

Aw. That's nice.

Thank you.

Sit down.

- Are you one of those volleyballers?
- Cannonballers.

- No.
- Why are you dressed up like that?

Humanitarian reasons.

I'm a wealthy philanthropist.

Me and my partner,
we just ride around in an ambulance,

looking for accidents,
trying to help people.

I don't think we were put on this earth
to hurt people,

I think we were put on this earth
to help people.

- That's beautiful.
- Thank you.

You must be a sensitive person.

- I try to be.
- I bet you're a fan of Rod McKuen's.

I listen to him every night.

I'm into trees.

- Have you ever heard of Joyce Kilmer?
- Yeah.

- She wrote a really terrific poem about a tree.
- Uh... He.

Who?

- He.
- He is a she?

- She's a he.
- Oh!

Well, he wrote a really terrific poem
about a tree.

Yeah.

- You know what I like best about trees?
- No, what?

That you can lie under them
on a moonlit night,

- the leaves gently blowing...
- (Clattering)

- Sorry about that.
- It's all right.

What were you saying about trees?

I was saying,
what I like best about trees is that,

on a moonlit night
you can lie under them,

- with the leaves gently blowing...
- (Victor) JJ?

Hey, JJ, you'll never believe
what just happened to him!

- I don't want to talk about it.
- He had the most wonderful time.

I don't want to talk about...
Victor, Beauty. Beauty, Victor.

- Hello, Victor.
- You really are.

- You wanna hear about the doc?
- He can tell me about the doctor.

- Oh, it's about the doctor.
- It's really important.

- We need a doc for the ambulance.
- It'll keep!

- I'll just leave you two alone.
- But, listen, I think you should hear...

- It'll keep!
- It's really important.

I want to talk to her.

Who?

- Now do you wanna hear about the doc?
- No!

It'll keep.

Hey, Brad, old buddy! Ha-ha!
How the hell are you?

Shakey. My God, it is you.
Hello, Shakey!

(Both laugh)

Shakey, it's kind of tough
to get close to you.

- Last time I saw you, you were more svelte.
- What can I tell you?

In the pizza business, when things are slow,
you tend to eat the inventory.

Listen, that's not good for the Cannonball.

You know that. You don't need a motorcycle.
You need the Super Chief.

(Chuckles) Even with the extra tonnage,
I'm still the best there is.

Yeah? Well, I'll tell you what.

I got a throttle that's been sticking.
Why don't you fix that?

Boss, this is the biggest coup
in the history of the Safety Enforcement Unit.

We're gonna blow
this Cannonball thing wide open

and then we're gonna hit Congress
for a real budget

that will allow us
to play some real hardball.

I mean, this is our Three Mile Island
and Love Canal combined.

Oooh!

Unnnnh!

- What's wrong?
- Look at the chicks. (Sighs)

- What is it?
- Look at those chicks. (Moans)

Boy, if we were Methodists,

what a shot we could have
of getting laid right here.

Listen, I want to get up there.
I don't want to miss a thing.

No. Yes. Yes.

All right. There you go.

Just as good as new.
Give her a try.

- That's it?
- That's it.

All right.

We'll see.

I don't think it's the throttle!
I think it's the clutch!

- Goodbye.
- (Engine approaches)

Look out!

Hey, watch out! Watch out!

Coming through!

(Crashing)

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

What in the hell was that?!

Oh! That must be the entry
of the National Safety Council.

(♪ James Bond music)

Good day.

I am here to participate
in your little jaunt to California.

Well, of course.
If you would sign in here, please.

Hold still, Petey. Say cheese.

I realize the novelty of a major celebrity
entering your little race,

but kindly resist the temptation and keep
the media coverage to a minimum.

Thank you.

Will you hurry the hell up?

(♪ Ray Stevens: Just For The Hell Of It)

- Got it?
- I got it. Hurry up, will ya?

(Inaudible)

Man does not live on... on bread alone.

What concerns me is,
do we have enough ice for all this beer?

- P-p-p-p! Plenty.
- Mm-hm.

Yeah, well, how about food, son?
Did you bring enough food?

- Plenty.
- Get serious. Give me the rest of that beer.

(Woman laughing)

Excuse me, good sisters, if you will.

Father, we do have a race to run,
and we're running a little late.

So, come on.
Will you excuse him, good sisters?

- Bye-bye.
- Don't run off. Tonight's the night.

(Man) OK. I'd like to welcome you all

to an event
that's sometimes been called

the automotive counterpart
to the Bay of Pigs.

(Laughter)

You all are certainly
the most distinguished group

of highway scofflaws and degenerates
ever gathered together in one place.

We're gonna have a lot of fun.

Of course, certain skeptics note

that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's
most elite highway patrolmen

are out there waiting for us after we start,
but let's think positively.

Think of the fact
that there is not one state in the 50

that has the death penalty
for speeding.

- Although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
- (Laughter)

Everybody is gonna get a card like this.

When you leave, you're gonna
punch out here at this time clock.

3,000 miles, roughly, away from here

is another time clock just like that
at the Portofino Inn.

The difference between the two times
is your time across the country.

The record stands at
32 hours and 51 minutes.

Believe it or not,

those guys did break
the 55-mile-an-hour speed limit.

(Cheering, laughter)

Let's get that first car up here.
We're gonna get this thing under way.

(Engine revs)

(Tires screech)

Go!

(JJ) Victor.
(Victor) I know.

All right. Where is the doctor?

- I got everything else.
- Where's the doctor?

- I got 60 gallons of gasoline.
- Read my lips.

Where is the doctor?

- The auxiliary tanks are full...
- I gave you one responsibility,

to get a doctor. Now, where is he?

He got sick.

Listen to what I'm telling you.

You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare,

get me Dr. Livingstone,
get me Dr. Frankenstein.

Just get me a doctor.
Go where the doctors hang out.

- Where's that?
- Bars, golf courses.

Golf course, bar. Where else? Hospital!

Try there too.

My jet will take you to California.

It's time for you to punch out.

I'll see you in California.
I love you!

A toast to us, you and me.
We're gonna win the whole thing.

It's a cinch.

The more I look around
and see these turkeys, I have...

While you're drinking,
that truck to the left.

Isn't that JJ McClure?

He's nothing.
Don't worry about him.

It's the blimp next to him.
The blimp.

When he puts on that mask,
he'll blow your goddamn doors off.

- You understand that? The blimp!
- (Cheering)

(Hui chats excitedly)

- Is that weird?
- Wow!

It's a Nevada license plate.

And that's whiskey, zebra, alpha,

niner, fiver, zero.

- You got that?
- What?

It's...
Just write WZA 9...

Here. Will you let me do it?

WZA 950. See?

Whiskey, zebra, alpha,

- niner, fiver, zero.
- Oh.

Oh.

(Tires screech)

OK, so it's Interstate 80
through Pennsylvania.

- Pick up...
- Oh, that's a good-looking piece.

And cunningly disguised
so it won't look like a racing car.

You know, the cops would never
give that a second glance.

220 miles an hour, and they
aren't gonna get a second glance.

Hey, when we get to California,
I got a place out at Palos Verdes...

You boys gonna start this thing
or just sit there and wait for that paint to dry?

(Laughter)

Yes, sir.

How long till we stop?

- Eight hours!
- Damn! I... I gotta go to the john!

(Tires screech)

Go.

Mad Dog, you are gonna take
the shortcut to the interstate, aren't you?

We're here to win, ain't we?

- If you gonna be a bear, be a grizzly!
- (Both growl)

(Tires screech)

My God, Pamela. Did you see that?

They drove right through those trees.

I love trees. Did I tell you...

We are going right down there

and bring this thing
to a screeching halt, right now.

Buckle up. We're going into action.

Would you mind?

Very civil.

Might be easier with your lights on.

Why advertise?

(Tires screech)

- Wait a minute, Father.
- What?

That's a no-no. They haven't allowed that
for nearly 2,000 years.

No, look. I'm a liberal wing,
way out, on the other part of the church.

- It's nothing at all.
- Keep flying, Father.

"Keep flying."

How about just one of you?

(Shakey) Who says cops
won't stop honeymooners?

Anyhow, why do I have to be the bride?

Shut up, sweetie, and punch the clock.

- (Chuckles) OK, go slow until I get my wig on.
- Yes, dear.

(Slurs) Old pal of mine,
are we all set for California?

(Slurs) Damn you. Next time, Methodist.
You understand? Methodist!

- All right, pal of mine.
- OK, OK. You're all right.

OK, now, who's driving?

- You're driving.
- You are.

- I can't drive.
- Then I'm driving.

- Yeah, I think you are.
- OK.

All right. Put me down.

You drive. You hold this.
I'll get in the car.

- Come on.
- I'm coming.

Somebody's hat.

Hold my drink.

Hit it!

(Tires screech)

(Cheering)

Thank you, good sisters.

May the good Lord take a liking to you,
but not too soon.

Bless you, my children.

Those guys are more juiced up
than that Ferrari.

(Fenderbaum whoops)

(Tires screech)

- JJ! JJ, wait! I got the doc!
- Terrific.

No, wait. He's in the ambulance.
This way.

Come on!

Before I open this,
don't get your hopes up too high.

- I was pressed for time.
- No problem.

(♪ Ominous church organ)

Holy shit.

(Coughs) I'm honored, sir!

I'm Doctor Nikol...
(Coughs, wheezes)

Nikolas Van Helsing,
professor of proctology

and other related tendencies.

Graduate of the University of Rangoon
and assorted night classes

at the Knoxville, Tennessee,
College of Faith Healing.

You may be a little overqualified
for this job.

You got your equipment with you?

I never go anywhere without it.

However, in my particular line of work,
I seldom need more than this. (Chuckles)

(Coughs) Or this.

(Van Helsing grunts, mumbles)

We'll talk about this later, huh?

Now, sir,
before we commence this odyssey,

which I understand will carry us
across this grand nation,

from sea to shining sea,

there's the matter of my compensation.

I've determined that my services
will require the payment of $2,000.

I was thinking
more along the lines of $200.

For... (Coughs) Fortunately,
my practice allows me a certain flexibility.

After checking my schedule,
I find I'll be able to make the journey.

As far as the money's concerned,
you got a deal.

We're off. (Laughs)

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

3,000 carefree,
madcap miles to California.

California, here we come,
right back where we started from.

Thanks to you, Victor,
we do not have a female patient in the back.

- Thanks to your wonderful cousin Tessie.
- It's not my fault she didn't fit in the stretcher.

- Doesn't fit in the ambulance.
- I got the doc here, didn't I?

(Van Helsing splutters)

Don't you ever tell me where you got him.

- I don't want to know where you got him.
- OK.

I was just surprised
that all the animals there were...

- I don't want to know where you got him!
- OK.

- (Van Helsing sings)
- Hey, maybe I could be the patient.

That's a good idea.
Everybody would believe you were sick.

- Wouldn't you believe he's sick?
- Want me to examine him?

JJ. Him doesn't like it
when you say bad things about me,

and you know that.

Thanks to you, though,
we don't have a female patient.

And we've got to find a female...

(Victor) JJ.

Damn Cannonballers.

- Hi. I'm so happy you're here.
- Hi.

- Can you help me with Mr, um...
- Foyt.

- Foyt.
- Sure. That's what I'm here for.

Mr. Foyt, go around
and get in the emergency entrance.

Come on right here.

There we go. Hit it!

Wait, I'm not...

Ow!

This is really terrific,

the way you guys
go around helping people.

Next year we're going for the Nobel Prize.
That's where the big bucks are.

You forgot Mr...

Uh... Mr...

- (Both) Foyt.
...Foyt!

Mm. Well, we got you.

We're batting.500. Nobody's perfect.

I think you have to go back and pick him up.

(Both chuckle)

We'd really like to,
but we're on a tight schedule.

We're on our way to California.

You'd be amazed how many sick people
there are out there.

They need our help.
We could pick him up on the way back.

Victor, can you help me?

No, I can't. I can't do anything.

But... he can.

Who can?

Him.

Excuse me.

Doctor...

(♪ Ominous church organ)

(Gasps)

My God, the perfect specimen.

JJ, you want me
to start the examination right away?

I'm gonna like this job.
Right here, honey.

No, thank you. Not right now.

(Speaks foreign language)

Of course, man. This took 30 years.

(Both giggle)

(Hui) Never be able to see us,
the son of a guns.

(Both laugh)

(Both chatter excitedly)

(Siren)

I'm really sorry
about that little lapse, Officer.

Normally,
I drive right around the speed limit.

We all make mistakes, miss, but 160?
That's a little more than a lapse.

(Engines roaring)

What the hell is going on here?
Everybody's driving like maniacs.

I don't know, Officer.

Let me see your driver's license, please.

(Radio chatter)

Ah, what the hell? I can't penalize
nice girls like you for a little indiscretion

with the whole road
packed with speed-crazy lunatics.

(Both chuckle)

Here. You girls have a nice trip.

- Drive carefully and take it easy.
- Thank you.

- Come back and see us next year.
- Bye.

Take care.

Keep it in the road.

I don't know why you're pouting.
I mean, look,

we're taking a nice,
leisurely trip to California.

And we're picking up the bills.
This could be fun.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

This is not a joke anymore.
I'm being kidnapped.

You can call it kidnapping,
if you want to be rude.

Just think, we have a professional
physician on board

in case somebody gets swamp fever.

You guys are strange.

(Siren blares)

- JJ?
- Yeah?

- We got company.
- Yeah, I hear.

OK, Beauty. You lie down
and be a patient for the police.

- No.
- Come on.

Don't! I'm not gonna help you.
You didn't even help Mr...

- (JJ and Victor) Foyt.
...Foyt.

Maybe I can help.

Dear God.

It's all right, miss.
It doesn't hurt.

Give it to myself all the time.

Yeah. He gives it to himself all the time.

Show her.

Come on, Doc. Show her.

Show her.

(Whimpers)

There. You see?

That didn't hurt.

(Whimpers)

- JJ?
- No, thanks.

Victor?

Oh, no thanks.

No.

(Whimpers)

Hi, guys. What's up?

- What's up?
- Huh.

You guys are running 120, your little lights
are flashing all over. That's what's up.

- We've got a patient in there.
- You were still speeding.

- She's, uh... She's very sick.
- There's not a hospital within 50 miles.

- Where you headed?
- UCLA.

UCLA?

- UCLA Medical Center.
- LA.

California?

This is gonna sound like a dumb question,
but if she's that sick, why didn't you fly her?

Why didn't we fly her?

I'm just the driver.
We have to ask the doc.

No.

That's a good idea.
Why don't we ask the doc?

(Babbles)

I'm sorry.

What's going on out here?
What is this crude interruption?

The patient.
Why can't she be flown to California?

Cysts. On the walls of her lungs.
Very rare.

You see, airplanes are only pressurized
at 10,000 feet.

Anybody who knows anything about medicine
knows that she can't fly.

We couldn't even go through Denver
it's so high.

Tell them to go back and pick up Mr...

(All) Foyt.
(Pamela)... Foyt.

Is that lady all right?

She's in great pain.

Causes her to make certain delirious...
drememium...

(Pamela) I'm deliri... (Giggles)

- Sounds like she's on something to me.
- Let me explain something to you.

We have to get the senator's wife
to California in 72 hours.

Do you understand what I'm saying? We ha...

We have to get the senator's wife
to California in 72 hours.

We're very close.

Well, as long as you're in New Jersey,
I want you fellas to take it easy.

- You got that?
- We sure do.

- Thanks a lot.
- Get this rig outta here.

I'm glad there's no cupcakes like that
in New Jersey.

You haven't met my brother-in-law, Ralph.

(JJ and Victor giggle)

I thought that cop
was gonna have a cardiac arrest

when we said
we were going to California.

(Both laugh)

Wasn't Beauty terrific?

The lady was splendid.

She should have her picture
on the cover of the AMA journal.

- (Groans) AMA journal.
- (Thud)

I'm sure that doctor's
a very sweet man, basically.

Thanks.

But don't you ever tell me
where you found him.

Ever.

- (Jet engines)
- It's the damn Cannonball for sure.

They blasted away
right in front of my eyes.

And they kidnapped a girl
named Pamela Glover,

just like it was the goddamn
Red Brigade or something.

But I...
No, I've got them.

This time I've got them.

Ohio? Yes. Ohio has been notified.

Yeah. Ohio has been notified.

And Missouri. And California.

We'll get them,
and I'm gonna be there to handle it.

You can count on it.

Yeah.

Listen, I've got two minutes
to catch my flight. Yeah. Bye.

Hey. Hey!

- Madam. Madam!
- Madam?

I'm no madam.
I'm a decent, respectable woman.

I don't even own a house.
I live in an apartment.

Now get off my case.
I'm late for my plane.

Oh! (Groans)

(Continues groaning)

(♪ James Bond music)

- Well, then, after my career in the RAF...
- The what?

- The Royal Air Force.
- Oh.

- Do you mind if I have a cigarette?
- Go ahead. They're your lungs.

Well, I had a chestful of citations,
medals, that sort of thing,

and then I drifted in
playing a rather popular...

Not that one, darling, please.

We don't want you leaving so shortly
after the trip has begun, do we?

No, of course not.

Then I drifted into playing a rather
popular character on a television series.

It's still in syndication, you know.

Puff away.

Thanks a lot, ladies.
But I would take it a little easier.

Some of the officers up the road
might not be as understanding.

Thank you so much, Officer.
We really do appreciate that warning.

And if you're ever up in Duluth,
remember to look me up.

I got the number.
You can count on it.

(Pamela hums tune)

- How's the patient?
- (Grunts)

(Grunts)

- (Ticking)
- She's alive.

Looks like she survived the procedure.

What procedure?

(Chuckles) If you guys laid a finger on me...

(Mouths)

No, I just gave her a little prick.

With this.

(Brad) Super Chief, lean forward
so I can get the front wheel on the ground.

- (Shakey) Stop kidding. I am.
- (Laughs nervously)

(Car horn toots)

Pull over!
We want to give you our blessings.

JJ. There are two priests
in that car over there.

What?

They want us to pull over.

- Victor.
- Yeah.

They're two priests driving a Ferrari.

When's the last time you saw
two priests driving a Ferrari?

- They taking the bingo money home?
- They're doing the work of the Lord.

In a Ferrari, they can do it faster, that's all.

- (Car horn toots)
- (Fenderbaum) Pull over!

We want to bless you!

- Victor.
- Yeah?

One of the priests is black.

- Oh, yeah. They have black priests.
- They do?

Oh, sure. They have a black cardinal.

Oh! They do want us to pull over.
They want to bless us. Can we?

(Laughs) Let me get this straight.

You want us to pull over and be blessed
by a black priest in a red Ferrari?

Couldn't hurt.

Oy vey!

- Nice car, Father.
- Thank you, asshole.

Hello, Father. Nice-looking car.

That's what everybody...
He even said it.

I want to thank you for stopping, son,

'cause we always stop the ambulance
so we can bless whosever's in there.

And you paramedics
are doing such a wonderful job.

We're in kind of a hurry,
so if you can just bless it and then we can...

- Oh. I gotta bless her.
- I'm sorry, Father. She's a Zen Buddhist.

- You're not, so you can't bless her.
- We specialize in blessing Zen Buddhists.

Yeah.

- (♪ Ominous church organ)
- (Yawns)

- Oh...
- Yes?

Second thought, Father,
you want to bless him?

We need all the help we can get.
Just give him a little shot.

- Thank you, Father.
- You're quite welcome.

- You did a good job.
- Thank you.

(Air hissing)

Thank you, Father.

Why don't you take that piece of shit
back to the junkyard? (Cackles)

(Tires screech)

(Air hissing)

- Ooh! JJ, we got a...
- Flat.

- Yeah. And those priests...
- Weren't fathers.

- They were...
- Mothers.

- Come here.
- Oh, jeez.

(Groans) Ah, shit!

(♪ James Bond music)

So there you have it,
a rather simple story, actually.

International film star,
ruthless assassin,

Casanova, poet, philosopher. (Chuckles)

You might say
a legend in my own time.

In fact, you can.
Not that one, darling.

I'm afraid this car is full of surprises.

(French accent)
This is something I've noticed.

How about some champagne, darling?

(Man on radio) Little silver four-wheeler that
just flew past, with the good-lookin' seat cover.

Son, back that thing down.
You got smokeys all over my back door.

If you are referring to me,

I request that you speak more clearly
in the Queen's English.

That is, if we are
going to converse on this wireless.

Ah. Bless your heart.

Cheers.

Down the hatch.

What do you think you're doing?
You can't come in here.

You're a man.

- (Man on speaker) 7-Eleven. How can I help?
- Pumps one and two, hit 'em.

(Man) What are you, some kind of nut?
You got one unleaded and one premium.

She goes both ways.

The round orange moon pie
with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.

I'm a doctor, and if I may be
permitted the indelicacy,

you seen one, you've seen 'em all.

(Whimpers)

(Engine approaches)

(Shakey) A thousand miles on one wheel?
We're trying to win a race, not set a record.

(Engine revs)

(JJ) Victor, what have you got?

A lot of goodies for you guys
and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me.

(♪ Sings Dr Pepper jingle)

- (JJ) Will you get in here?!
- OK. Here you go.

(Tires screech)

(JJ) Officer.

Do you take your law and order
in this town seriously?

Are you kidding?

Excuse me for asking.

Greek! But...

Would you shut up a minute
and listen to me?

(Both speak foreign language)

(Tires screech)

Oh, by the way, Greek.

What's the odds on the Japanese team
not finishing?

There's gonna be a red Ferrari
come flying through here

and the two men driving are responsible
for the victim in this ambulance.

- Victim?
- A flasher victim.

- You want to know the worst part?
- What's that?

- They're dressed as priests.
- Go on.

I guess they think it's a little kinkier,
dressed as priests.

Goddamn, that's sick.

- I'll handle this.
- One more thing.

I think they're armed.

Damn, I hope so.

It'll give me an excuse.

(Tires screech)

(Victor) Flashers! (Giggles)

(JJ) Bye-bye!

JJ, you son of a!

Out of the car, both of you.

Now!

All right, hit it.

- Hit it?
- Hit it?

(♪ Banjo tune)

- Freeze, or name your beneficiary.
- Beneficiary?

- Officer, I sincerely hope you're not a Catholic.
- Pay no attention to him.

He's been locked up for six years in that
monastery. He don't know what he's doing.

I don't think both of his paddles
are in the water.

Six years is gonna seem
like a summer vacation

when the state of Missouri
gets through with you.

You, shorty.
Where'd you get all that jewelry?

- Why'd he call me shorty?
- 'Cause you're small.

- Small. S-M-all.
- Oh.

(Man on radio)
I suggest you take another route, good buddy.

The smokeys have got traffic all tied up on 40
looking for them Cannonballers.

(Second man) That's a big ten-four.

- Hey, JJ.
- Yeah?

There's a lot of talk on the CB
about the roadblock ahead.

What do you think?

I think we're in deep you-know-what.
The transmission is slipping.

We lost a lot of time
because of your two phony priests.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- (Babbles)

If the transmission does hold together,

you think we're gonna be able to bluff our way
through the roadblock?

I don't know.
Give me a minute to gather my thoughts.

I gathered my thoughts.

Hey, Lowboy!
Look in your rearview mirror.

See this ambulance back here?

We need a piggyback ride.

(Foyt) This one can go by.
There's no problem here.

Uh... Let's just have this one
and that one.

Um... (Murmurs)

Yeah, that one's OK. Let it go.

Excuse me.

You look very familiar.
Do I know you?

It's quite possible.
Is this going to take long?

You see, we're on our honeymoon,
and she can't wait.

Thank God. Normal people.

We were just looking for Cannonb...

It's not important.
Move along, if you would.

- What is this, anyway?
- It's a stakeout.

Oh. Bon appétit.

English humor.

Come on, guys, keep moving,
will you, please?

Let's see...

(Tools clanging)

(JJ) Quiet, Victor.
You're gonna blow our cover.

JJ, this is not a nine-to-five job.
I wish him were here.

(JJ) Hi.

Hello.

- You look tired.
- Ah, more frustrated than tired.

Think you're gonna win this crazy race?

Damn right I am.

I'm sitting here, having a conversation
with somebody who kidnapped me.

Hm! Who can blame anybody
for kidnapping you?

You gave me laughing gas.

Well, you have an awful beautiful laugh.

You made me forget my favorite skirt
back at the motel...

Doesn't matter.
You look terrific without it.

What'd you expect, anyway?

- A gangbang or something like that.
- A gangbang?

We're racers, not rapists.

- Why?
- Why what?

Why all this speed
and trouble and risk and...

I mean, what for?

For the hell of it.

Didn't you ever do anything
just for the hell of it?

I guess so.

My father used to work in the coal mines.

43 years.

He was gonna retire.

Buy a houseboat.
Move down to Florida.

Fish on the back of the boat
and tell my mom lies.

He died two days
before he was gonna retire.

Oh.

I guess you just never know.

Yeah.

I made up my mind right then,
I was gonna go for it.

I mean, everything I wanted,
I was gonna go for it right then,

'cause you never know when
something's gonna happen to you.

Like talking to you, you know?

I mean, it's really nice.

Uh... Excuse me.
Where are you guys going?

We're just... We're just out-out-out
looking for a pack of cigarettes.

With North Carolina plates,
you're driving to Missouri for cigarettes?

How about a beer?

How about the fact that your paint job
is coming off?

You want to take these guys away?
The good guys strike back.

What is that? Five, eight, three...
Five, eight, three, six...

Hold on. Hold on. Let it go. Come on.

Come on, guys,
keep moving, will you, please?

Howdy, sir.
What seems to be the problem?

You didn't think you'd get away with this?
We're gonna get the whole lot of you now.

Not here, you won't.
The word is out about your roadblock.

They're talking about it
all up and down the "super slab".

Come on, get these traitors
out of here, will you?

You think you're so big.

Do some of you people want to come over
and push this thing out of the way?

Come on. I'll put it in neutral.

Who did that? Make it stop!

(Tires screech)

(JJ) Thanks a lot. Keep on truckin'!

(Chan and Hui laugh)

(Both speak foreign language)

George, you remember the good old days
before they got radar?

- We used to chase speeders?
- Yeah. This is really boring.

(Speaks foreign language)

(Rapid bleeping)

(Chan) Smokey. Sayonara. Bye-bye!

- (Whizzing)
- What the hell was that?

I don't know, but whatever it was,
it was doing 125.

(Both laugh)

(Both chat excitedly)

(Car horns blare)

(Car horn toots)

(Tires screech)

That's the first time
we took an order by phone.

- It was hard to understand you.
- When I called, I was doing 140 miles an hour.

That was six lamb burgers,
four shish kebabs,

a side order of couscous, and...

two milk.

No! How much?

Six seventy-five.

Here, my desert blossom.

Keep the change.

Have you ever considered
joining a harem?

I shall return for you after the race.

Get a physical.
I shall return, my little fig.

I love you!

Victor...

I don't know how to ask you this.

Isn't it strange having that guy
running around inside your head?

Oh! He's not in here.

He's out there somewhere,
helping people.

- Oh!
- He's always helping people.

- He'd help you.
- He would?

He likes you.

Well, how did he find you?
I mean, how did you two get together?

Well, when I was real young,

I didn't have any friends
like I do now.

Like JJ...

Like JJ.

One day I was in the schoolyard,
and nine guys were beating me up pretty good.

There he was.

Dun-dun-dah!

- Captain Chaos?
- Yeah. Out of the blue.

Pow! Slam! Bam! Boff!

I sure was grateful.

- That's great!
- Yeah.

Nobody bothered me at school after that.

I wish I had a friend like that.

Well, first,
you need a mask and a cape.

I think I'd like mine to be pink.

Almost everything I wear is pink.

Everything?

Even? Uh...

Oh, I don't wear any.

- You don't?
- Uh-uh.

(Quietly) Wow.

Victor, I'd like to be your friend.
'Cause I like you.

Oh.

I like you too, Beauty.

Thank you.

(Both speak foreign language)

New Mexico. (Chuckles)

(Chan exclaims)

(Chan) Texas! Stupid!

(Police siren blares)

(Sighs)

I'll take care of this one.

Well, hello, hot pants.

I don't suppose you have a driver's license
tucked down in there somewhere, do you?

Yes, Officer.

(Chuckles)

(♪ James Bond music)

That policeman
seems to want us to stop, darling.

Yes. He must be rather upset
with our rapid rate.

Funny. They don't have any sense of humor
about that sort of thing.

- Aren't you going to pull over?
- I'd rather not.

Can be such a bore, talking to those chaps.

Tell you what.
We'll just... slip away.

- Hit that button, will you?
- Like in your movies!

(Woman) And now a little oil, right, darling?

Well, well.
We are full of tricks, aren't we?

It's all part of my business, really.

I've been meaning to ask you,
what movie?

Wait a minute.
Can you see where you're going?

- Perfectly.
- This is ridiculous. (Coughs)

- (Car horns blare)
- (Tires screech)

(Seymour) Good sport, isn't it? Would you
mind rolling the window down, old girl?

We're getting done
like a couple of kippers here.

- Next time, I bring my mask.
- Like a foggy day in London town.

(Voiceover on video) You are about to witness
the ravishment of a woman

who has been abducted.

A woman whose initial fear
has mellowed into curious expectation.

In the morning, she will be set free,
unaware of anything,

except that she has been loved
as never before...

- (Truck horn blares)
- (Tires screech)

- (Car horn blares)
- (Tires screech)

(Woman on video) Oh, no! Please...

(Moans) Oh, yes, there! There!

(Scolds angrily)

(Both bicker)

I've never seen a damn Rolls-Royce
that'd do 140 miles an hour.

What you fellas got in that thing?

- Stock.
- Sign here.

I guess you must have
misconstrued my remark

about my mother planning to purchase
Southern California

as an attempt to influence
your giving me a ticket, Officer.

I am sure that she will still consider keeping
you all on as a member of the Highway Patrol,

regardless of how shabbily
you treated her son!

You might want to tell that to the judge, sir.

(Speaks Arabic)

(Tires screech)

(Sheik) This is for you and the judge!

Goddamn camel jockey!

(Tires screech)

(Sirens blare)

(Siren approaches)

Oh, shit.
We got a smokey on our tail.

Watch this.

- Officer.
- Pull it over.

We got no brakes!

No brakes! Help us!
Yes, thank you.

Damn "no brake" gag works every time.

Oh, no!
We really don't have any brakes!

- Quit kidding, will you?
- Hang on!

Evel Knievel...
you've got yourself some competition!

(Laughs)

(Both bicker)

(Bickering continues)

(Hui) Route 66. Ha-ha!

(Speaks foreign language)

Secret weapon.

(Makes pulsing sound, chuckles)

(Hui exclaims)

- (Rumbling)
- (Rapid bleeping)

(Chan chatters nervously)

(Hui) Ready, fire!

- (Hissing)
- (Bleeping intensifies)

(Explosion)

(Hui chats calmly)

(Jackhammer rattles)

How long we been here?

20 minutes.
We could have been there by now.

The road will be open in five minutes, Father.

- (Victor) Gah!
- (Thud, spring boings)

Hey, Father Putz.

Albert Schweitzer.

I want to thank you
for being so sweet and so nice,

and telling those people all about us,
back in Missouri,

that we were both flashers
and sex maniacs.

(JJ chuckles)

Well, I just wanted to return the favor

that you and the chocolate monk did for us
back in Ohio.

"The chocolate monk"?

- (Victor laughs wheezily)
- (JJ chuckles)

He can say that.

He can say that, he can say that

'cause he's riding around
with the Goodyear blimp!

- The Goodyear blimp?
- He can say that. He can say that.

- Yeah, I can say that.
- Because if I had the time,

I would take those rosary beads
and stuff 'em up your nose.

- These rosary beads? My rosary beads?
- Yeah.

- You're gonna shove 'em up this nose?
- Up that nose, yeah.

- He can do that.
- He can do that?

- You take a little advice?
- Sure.

Bring friends.

A lot of 'em. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles) He wants me to bring...

Blimp?

(Chan reproaches)

(Hui remonstrates)

(JJ) Ah, the bride and groom Cannonballer.

I told you this honeymoon scheme would work.

Good.
Now you wear the wig, sweetheart.

- It's hot.
- Oh, I don't know.

When I was in Egypt making
The Fly Who Bugged Me

it was at least 180 in the shade,
not that there was much shade.

If CBS woulda had their cameras there

we'd have made Sports Spectacular.
We just zoomed right over that train.

You want to try it again?

(Engines roaring)

All right.

(All jeer)

Don't you look precious?
All dressed up like that.

And wearing a wig too. Ha-ha!
Ain't he cute?

Those guys scare me.

You just stay close to Moore.
There won't be any trouble.

(All laugh)

He looks like Gregory Peck
in that blue flannel suit.

(All laugh)

This is my friend Shakey.
Allow me to present myself.

I'm on Wall Street.
Maybe we can have lunch sometime.

We don't ride in Wall Street.

Nah, we don't ride in Wall Street.

Why don't we go and help 'em out?

What do you mean, "we"?

If we do, then that road opens up
and you're long gone.

Now, why don't you, huh?

You're the Good Samaritan.

Besides, I'm wearing these.

Maybe you would like
to complete your ensemble.

No. There's something else
of yours that I want.

Oh, really? What's that?

Your ass!

(All cheer)

Dun-dun-dah!

Oh, shit.

Well, shall we join the fracas?

Step back, my dear.

I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore.

Who?

Roger Moore.

(Smashing)

(Groans)

We'll run in there.

Boom-boo-boom, pow! Pow! Pow!

Knock 'em flat out.

- Then we go. We could still win it, OK?
- We can do that.

- We can do that. Yeah.
- We can do that.

- You'll be sorry! Let me down!
- (Screaming)

Dun-dun-dah!

Take that!

You're so macho.

Watch this!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

- Need some help, Father?
- Nah.

Wah! Give me somebody!

Waaargh!

What, are you crazy, Greek?

How could you possibly change odds
in the middle of things?

Hold it. You wouldn't last five minutes
in the New York subway.

That's the way it's done.

- Is that good to drink?
- I don't know. I never tried it.

(Squirting)

Hold it, hold it.
You wanna try this side?

Yeah.

Need some help?

- Get out of here.
- Right.

Dun-dun-dah!

Fool!

- Thanks, Shakey. Excuse me.
- Get this guy, Shakey!

- Excuse me, Father, the road's open.
- Oh, thanks.

Fenderbaum, the road's open!

(Squeals)

Bye.

(All clamoring)

Let's go! Hit it!

(Speaking foreign language)

(Biker) Ah-so!

(JJ) Come on, come on. Faster, faster!

- I'm trying.
- Faster!

- Drive it like Captain Chaos would.
- I'll try.

- What d'you take off the mask for?
- I didn't. He took off the mask.

- We need him.
- I don't know where he is.

Very interesting fellow.
I'd like to probe his case.

Don't want him around, he's around.
When we want him, he's not around.

I'm gonna get a beer!

Dun-dun-dah!

(♪ Rossini: William Tell Overture)

(Victor) It's only ten blocks to the finish!
I feel very confident that we will be triumphant!

(Car horn blares)

Ah-ha-ha!

(♪ Ray Stevens: Cannonball)

What the hell was that?

- A Lamborghini.
- Is it in the race?

Catch it!

- Will you go faster? Come on!
- I'm trying!

I've seen every single one of your movies
at least three or four times.

Four times?

- I think we got it goin', baby.
- Yeah, we're looking good.

The Greek's gonna pay us money!

Gosh! Wait till I tell my friends

I was sitting next to George Hamilton!

George Hamilton?

- We got 'em!
- We got 'em!

We're not losin' it!

Aargh!

Look out!

(Tires screech)

- Waah!
- OK, it's a foot race!

- I've got the card.
- No, give me that, Doc.

(JJ) Come on! It's a foot race!

Have no fear, Chaos is here!
Dun-dun-dah!

Take it and win, Captain!

(Pamela) Come on, Chaos, you can do it!

(All groan)

(Van Helsing) Anyone need medical attention?

Ah! Ah! Go! Go, Chaos!

(Whistling, cheering)

We're gonna win!

It's not a very sporting way to win.
What do you say, Father?

No, it's a shitty way to win.

(Laughing)

We're gonna win!

(Woman screams) Help! Help!
Somebody save my baby!

He's drowning!

No, Chaos! No!

No problem, fair lady.
I will save your baby. Have no fe-e-e-ear!

- (Splashing)
- (Chiming)

(All laugh)

Oh, my baby, my baby!

- Thank you. You're such a brave man.
- (Dog whimpers)

You don't know what this means to me.
Oh, my baby, I love you.

JJ, I saved that woman's dog.

Victor, we could have won that race.
You understand? We could have won it!

You understand that?
You had to go and pull that stupid stunt.

(Pamela) He's right, Victor.

We are sick of Captain Chaos.

We are so sick of Captain Chaos
that we could throw up.

So, you know what, Victor? There's not
gonna be any more Captain Chaos.

- No more!
- (Murmurs from crowd)

You see what I'm telling you?
No more! No more Captain Chaos ever!

- Now, what do you think of that?
- (Laughter)

I don't care... because...

I've always wanted to be...
Captain USA!

Dun-dun-dah!

(Laughter)

It's a dirty job,
but somebody's got to do it.

(JJ howls with laughter)

(Cheering, applause)

- Who won the race?
- (Man) What do you get for last?

(Laughter)

Well... Well...

How do you all feel, now that you
have raped the American highways?

- Beautiful. Wonderful.
- Great.

Old chap, I suggest you get a grip
on yourself or better, on one of these.

I'll take anything.

And feel free to use the lighter
in my car, Mr...

(All) Foyt.

(Stuttering man) F-F-F-Foyt.

- Wait till he touches that lighter.
- (Victor laughs wheezily)

(Laughter)

- (Ship's bell chimes)
- (Seagulls cry)

Ain't nothin' happening.

That's funny. Excuse me.

Mr. Foyt, how did you light that?

- Well, with the lighter, of course.
- (Gasps)

That's odd.

- (Explosion)
- (Seymour) Oy vey!

(♪ Slide whistle)

(Corks pop)

(Seymour) If I'm not filming next year,
we'll do this again.

(♪ California Children's Chorus:
You've Gotta Have a Dream)

(Victor) Oh, JJ, didn't we do good?

Wah! Wah-ha-ha-ha!

(Laughs)

- Stop it.
- (Man) Ready?

(Laughs)

- Will you stop it?
- OK. OK.

(Laughs)

What's wrong with you?

Wait a minute. I got something.

- No, this will help you.
- No, don't hit me.

- No. I'm not gonna hit you. Listen to me.
- (Laughs uncontrollably)

I swear to God.
I'm not gonna hit you.

- Watch. Watch.
- (Whimpers)

Ah! (Chuckles)

- OK.
- OK. I'm ready now. Here we go.

(Laughs uncontrollably)

Look at that shit.

(Laughs)

I'm ready.
I swear to God, I'm ready!

We're off. (Laughs)

Where's he gonna sit?

I warned you
not to interfere in my affairs.

Steven, put away...
Seymour. Excuse me.

That's all right.
I'll answer to anything.

You see, even in the deepest
family relations...

- (Man whispers)
- My business is not worth a... (Bleep)

- (Smashing)
- Thank you, Victor.

(Man) Mark.

As you probably know, we're...

We're the favorites to...

be the winning racers tomorrow
in the Cannonball race,

which is gonna be poured...

(Laughter)

- Good evening, ladies.
- Evening.

My name is JJ McClure.
And this is my...

(Laughter)

- Next year we're going for the nu-nu-nu...
- Yes? Ooh! (Laughs)

(Puffs)

- Perfect. Perfect.
- (Laughs)

Hey!

- Better than...
- (Man) Cut!

We have to get this woman,

the senator's wife,

to Philadelphia by...

Make that California, will you?

(Laughter)

We're very close. (Snorts)

(Laughter)

Don't hit me.

Because if I had enough time...

I would take those rosary bleeds
and stuff 'em up your nose.

- These bleeds?
- Those bleeds, yeah.

You're gonna take these... (Bleep)
And shove 'em up...

I'll take these bleeds here...

(Man) Mark.

I don't care...

(Laughs uncontrollably)

- I don't care...
- Stop laughing!

I don't care, because...

You're gonna get a slap.

I always wanted to be
Captain America!

(Laughter)

It's a living.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- (Laughter)

He laughed...
He laughed... He laughed first.

Mr. Martin laughed first.

Why were you laughing?

He laughed and you hit me!

Cut it.

(Giggling)