The California No (2018) - full transcript

A man finds out he's in an open marriage.

[man] And that was the
last time you two had sex?

-Pretty much.


Sorry, it's not something
I find terribly comfortable

talking about,
given my upbringing.

Oh, no, it's OK,
it's OK, take your time.

Perhaps I have been
compartmentalizing things a bit

since we got married,
including Elliott.

-Or is that over-rationalizing?
-No, no, no, that's good.

I don't know
why it's happened.

I still think he's attractive,
but I just don't feel

attractive around him,
if that makes any sense.

[therapist] Has this lapse
in your, um, intimacy levels

coincided with any
decrease in libido?

Oh, no, I still have
a very healthy sex drive.

Let's just say I do all right.

[therapist] What would
you describe as "all right?"

Uh, well, I haven't gotten
any complaints from the others.

-Oh, others.
-Other men.

[therapist] Oh, so
you're not monogamous?

Oh, no, it's OK, Elliott
and I have an open marriage.

We have an open what now?

[therapist] Elliott,
I've explained the procedure.

We let Allison speak,
and then it's your turn.

Then it's your turn.

-[Elliott chuckles]
-[therapist] Ah, ah. Elliott?

Thank you.


Elliott seems a bit surprised
by this new information.

How does his reaction
make you feel?

[handle clicks]

[door unlocks]

I swear we
discussed this, truly.

You know,
I think that I would have

remembered had
we discussed it.

How open are we
talking about here?

-Like, are you out there, like--
-Yeah, I don't think

we should talk about this
away from Dr. Rios.

Oh, that guy's a doctor
like I'm a fucking Laker girl.

We're supposed to avoid
judgmental language.


♪ Ever since you left me

♪ Things aren't so good

♪ I find myself walking

♪ Round our old neighborhood

♪ Stopping at places

♪ Where we used to kiss

♪ Sometimes I feel
like I may die ♪

♪ Die

♪ Die

♪ I try to sleep
but I stay up all night ♪

♪ And sometimes
I feel like I'm in-- ♪

First movie is a thriller.

"When Young Tara's soccer
coach is brutally murdered,

it's up to
Maddy Monroe,

to solve the murder and prove
her husband's innocence.

Starring Danica McKeller,
Drew Waters and Susana Gibb."

-[man] OK.
-What is the title
of this masterpiece?

[man] So, it's a

[guests talk over each other]

Someone's murdered, and then
the soccer coach is murdered,

and then she becomes
a soccer-mom?

[man 2] No, she gave up--

-Everyone, OK?
-Everybody got it?

-Here we go.

- [man 3] Yeah,
I like the shimmy.
-[man] That's a British thing.

It is.

So, is the title
Passion on the Field?

Oh, no, that
sounds really good.

Black Victims, White Justice:
The Maddie Monroe Story?

Oh, that seems way
very much like that--

That's almost too topical.

Inspector Mom?

Inspector Mom?

Nowhere near it.

"How many of these
guys have you fucked?"

[woman] That's a weird title.

That doesn't sound like that.

-That doesn't make any sense.
-[woman] That's not--

I feel like, you know,
Lifetime show, Wednesday at 8PM.

[woman] I feel like they have
a line that they don't cross.

[indistinct chatter]

Anyway, so,
Inspector Mom,you're right!
-Didn't like Inspector Mom.

-That's the title?
-That's the title!

[Allison sighs]

If you didn't want a game night,
you could have said.

It's fine, I had fun.

I think I need some privacy
tonight, if you don't mind.

Oh, my God, really?


[birds chirping]


Sleep OK?

Hey, have you been hearing
these birds around the house,
sound like old car alarms?

[Allison] And what do
old car alarms sound like?

You know,
like car alarms.

I think this might be one of
those American-British things

we won't be able to reconcile.


Well, so we should
talk about this.

-Should we?
-I'm so sorry, pudding.

It's just, it's really
hard to explain.

Well, you didn't seem to
have any trouble

explaining it
to that dip-shit therapist.

[Allison] I think maybe we
should go back to Dr. Rios.

I think it would help.

We are not going back
to Dr. Rios.

Somebody else then,
another therapist?

We are grown, rational,
intelligent people.

We can figure this out
on our own.

OK, great!

Is there anything specific
you'd like to ask?

No, there is not any,
no, not really.

You know, I'm still, like,
in a state of shock or whatever,

and... [sighs]
just let it sink in.

OK, well, let me know
when's good for you.

Oh, Allison.

[birds chirping]

Do you really not hear that?

[upbeat soft-rock music]

♪ You say you're happy

♪ We met on that Sunday

♪ But I've got
nothing to give you ♪

♪ I've got nothing to give

[woman] So, what did
you think of the movie?

It was, uh, very visual.

-And intense.

-Right? So intense.
-Yeah, so intense.

OK, so you have ten minutes,

and I'll come in and
signal you for last question.

OK, thanks.

Oh, and, uh, could you
just stick to the movie?

She doesn't wanna
talk about anything personal.

Yeah, sure.
Sure, thanks.

I like the tie, it's cute.


-OK, all right.
-OK. [chuckles]

-Have fun.
-Thank you.

-You ready?


Um, so, what drew you
to the project initially?

You know, I'd always been
a big fan of the director.

It's been...
God, I loved his first movie.

Even though that was an indie
and obviously this is

a little bit bigger than that,
um, and it was just

a great opportunity for me to
really explore a side of myself

that I hadn't really gotten
a chance to do, you know?

I usually get cast in
these sort of lighter roles

and this was sort of--
I got to show my darker side.

Did you find
that to be a challenge?

Um, you know, all acting
is really a challenge.

[indistinct chatter]

You've got ten minutes,
I'll signal you
for last question.


Let me just get this going here.

Why don't you tell me
what initially

drew you to the project?

You know, I just, I fell
in love with the script.

For me, it was everything
about the script.

I thought that the script
was so special.

-Truly, it was a good script.
-[woman] It's a family.

I mean, I know
everybody says that,

but we were really a family.

I mean, we just became
such a beautiful--

-Family on set.
-We really became
a very tight-knit--

-We became a family.

Did my publicist not tell you?

I don't answer those questions.

People keep talking about
the 12-minute sex scene,

but the truth is,
is they're very technical.

Yeah, the actor's director,
the director's director.

I'm directing him,
he's directing the actors.

So, it really all kinda

just became like, like a...

-Like a snake
eating its own tail.

Honestly, New York is like
another character in this movie.

Los Angeles is really
like another--

-It is basically
another character.

You know, the kind of
silent character in the film.

And if that's the case...

might as well be makin'
cereal commercials, right?

-I mean, what's the point?

Mm, mm-hm, yeah.

-Are you even
listenin' to me, dude?

[chuckles] Yeah, yeah,
of course I'm listening to you.

-Yes, yeah, absolutely.
-I get it.

You think this is all just
a bunch of bullshit, right?

Stupid big studio movie, right?

Just a bunch of garbage,
but you know what?

You could at least pretend.

Listen, I'm sorry, all right?

I'm just...
It's been really tough lately.

Has it, has it been tough?

Here's some advice,
do your fucking job.

Do your fucking job,
do your fucking job.

I'm tryin' to lay down some
realness for you, some realness.

And you're just all, "whatevs."

-Some realness?

You know,
this is not realness.

This is not realness.

This is, in fact,
completely imaginary.

This is,
this is free advertising.

You know, why don't I just
leave this little thing going,

and you can just talk at it
while I go into your bathroom

and just jerk off
all over your fancy
complimentary bathrobe?

Because it really doesn't
matter what the fuck

I'm doing here as long as you
get whatever diarrhea it is

out of your fucking mouth.


There you go, you got it.
Oh, shit.

-[glass smashes]
-[muffled groans]

[man] There you go!

[grunts and groans]

You little bitch, huh?

Maybe I could turn it into
some sort of personal essay?

You know, what it's like to get
throttled by a movie star.

Hey, pudding.


You ever have one of those days
where you're pretty sure

somebody just drugged you,

and you hallucinated
the whole day?

Sounds good.

Hey, what do you think of
Mexican-Bangladesh fusion

as a food concept?

Sounds good.


[man] Elliott!



It's unlocked, what are you,
a fuckin' vampire?

-Come on in.
-I could be a vampire.

-You're fucked now, if I am.
-[Elliott chuckles]

Where's the lady of the house?

Oh, at some new media
mixer meetup thing.

-You want a glass?
-No, no, no.

I can manage.

Very classy, cheers.

So, it seems as if
I am in an open marriage.

Allie and I.

Finally, you people
figure this out.

"You people?"

As per usual,
the homosexual community

has been way out in front
on this particular trend.

Have you ever been in
a relationship long enough

for it to become exclusive,
so then it could subsequently

become an open relationship?

So what, you just rolled
the honeymoon into a ménage

in the hot tub and it just
evolved from there?

Oh, there...

There was no hot tub,
nor any ménage.

Are you still together?

No, not in almost
a year, I mean,

we're basically affectionate
roommates on our good days.

-That is lamentable.
-It's bullshit, man.

It is bullshit, the whole
fuckin' thing is bullshit,

and I'm tired of all
of the psychoanalyzing.

The fact of the matter is,
is that we are not fucking

because we are not fucking,
and it's not because I don't

want to fuck her, it's because
she doesn't wanna fuck me.

She would rather fuck
whoever the fuck else
she wants to fuck.

Which you seem
totally OK with.

Apparently, there was
a conversation about it.

You'd think you'd remember.

You'd think.

You do remember, don't you?

OK, what I remember is there was
a totally hypothetical,

theoretical, philosophical...

undefinitive conversation
about the concept of this.

It was had over, like,
the course of a couple
bottles of wine.

We came to no conclusion,
there was no handshake
or agreement on this... thing.

And yet...

And yet.

Hey, Dave. It's Elliott,
just callin' to see
what was goin' on.

If there was anything comin' up
you could have me in on.

Junkets, assignments,

I am around and would be

very excited to come and do
somethin' with you guys again.

Or, you know, we could just get
together and have some lunch

a cup of coffee, grab a drink,
whatever is clever, my friend.

Uh, so give me a call back
when you have a sec. Um...

I'm gonna send you an email
right now to just follow up,

Silas, Elliott!
How's it goin', man?

Listen, I was just
talkin' to David,

uh, and I was thinking it would
be fun if you and I got together

and collaborated on
somethin' for his site,

or even for your site, you know?

Just, it's been a minute
since, uh, we've hung out

and I think it'd be, uh,
it'd be great if we could, uh,
do somethin' together.


and listen, I don't know if
you've heard anything crazy,

any crazy stories about me
lately, but you know, uh,

people just... they talk shit,
everybody talks shit
in this town.

You know how it goes.

I'm sure they even
talk shit about you.

Not that I've heard anything,
but you know, you've gotta

worry when they're not talkin',
that's my point, right?

Right, uh, OK, well,
listen, give me a call.

I think we could knock somethin'
really cool out together.

Um, and that'd be fun,
I'll talk to you soon, man.

All right, be good, bye.

[phone vibrates]

Hey, stranger.

I, um, have an interview goin',
so, I can't really talk.

Oh, no worries.

[woman] What's up?

Oh, I was just wonderin'
if maybe you wanted to, like,

get a drink sometime, talk shop,

let me pick your brain
a little bit,
that sort of thing?

-If you're not too busy.
-Uh, no, not at all.

That sounds fun.


-How's tomorrow for you?
-Uh, tomorrow?

Um... let me see.

Actually, tomorrow's wide open.

Great, great!
Why don't you just,

you know,
come by the house, then?

OK, uh,
that sounds like a plan.

OK. Oh, and, um, try not
to get choked out by any

-famous movie stars before then.
-Hey, now.

[woman laughs]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
you know I had to.

Well, I'll see you then.

All right,
I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, thanks.
Uh, uh, uh, bye-bye.



-Hi, you made it.

Oh, give me that, that's for me.

Thank you very much.
Come in.

Nice place you got here.

[laughs] Thank you.

Yeah, it's a work in progress,
but it is coming along.

I'm just surprised
that these assholes

don't get punched
in the face more often.

I didn't punch him in the face,

he tackled me,
and he's got

years of, like,
movie fighting experience.

You know, I don't have that.

Yeah, well anyway,
it makes for a fun anecdote.

Albeit career-ending,

I don't know, I mean,

these junkets, you know,
they're so predictable
and so rote,

and they just, like...
People do anything
to set themselves apart

and I just think, like,
everybody now thinks

I'm the fight-starting guy.

I don't know, I just think
I need to, like, get off
the junket scene.

Yeah, yeah,
stop being beholden
to the studio release calendar.

Yeah, yeah.
I should find some star, right,

who, like, nobody's
talking about, but they love,

and-and bring them back,
and bring them back
into the conversation

and do something collaborative.

Like a hand-in-glove kind of
win-win situation, right?

Yeah, yeah, totally,
change the conversation.

And make my own opportunities,


Excuse me a minute,
would you?



[door shuts]

[toilet flushes]


You also put in
some central air, huh?

It cost me an ovary.

I don't wanna talk about it,
I brought reinforcements.

-You're so excited about it.
-Yeah, no, it's nice.

-You really are.
-I'm just gonna...

-I can tell.
-...finish this.

You know, we don't have to
just talk about work shit.

I'm sorry,
I know it's boring.


No, no, it's not boring,
it's just,

it's not the most stimulating
date conversation.

This is a date?

Shit, this is a date?

OK, see, see...

See, this is the problem
with this city, right?

Everything is always, like,
so vague, it's always, like,

"Hey, we're just gonna
have drinks and hang out.

Let's just chill,
let's kick it."

So, what exactly are we doing?

Elliott, if a woman
invites you to her house,

-it generally means one thing.
-Right, yeah, yeah.

Besides, I thought you
and your wife were on the outs?

Who said that?

They said it,
you know, people.

This town is tiny, Elliott.

-OK, word gets out.
-I hate that.

Yeah, well,
hatin' it won't stop it.

We're not splitting up.

No, I mean, we're not
split up right now,

like, technically,
you know, but...

We're just, like, there's
some things that happened

-that we're working out, and

it's really complicated

and I'm just,
I'm working it out, you know?

So, let me ask you this, um,

are you, uh, allowed to see
other people, in this process?

-Am I?
-You and your wife.

I mean, that's the
complicated part, because

it seemed like we just weren't
on the same page, you know?

-And we're gettin' bits and...

So, how is this
not a date, then?

[Elliott chuckles]

[shoe hits floor]

What you got going on
over there, then?

Just reviewing my prospects.

Hm! Same.
How are they?



Well, he seems sweet.

And well-read.


Besides aren't you
seeing somebody, like,
seriously seeing?

-Am I?
-Aren't you?

Oh, yeah, right, Jonathan!


We're having issues.

Just, you know,
compatibility issues.

Compatibility issues,
I know all about that.

It's just, you know...

I'm just, too...

-Oh, there it is.

For the cheap seats, very nice,
good one, thank you.

Good job.

Oh, I see how it is,
as soon as the boss lady leaves,

all the rules go out
the window, do they?

It's my house, too.

Well, actually,
it's her house.

OK, but, like,
when she's not here, I can...

What's up with
this thing tonight?

-Oh, the party thing?

Or it's a gallery thing,
or standup.

There might be
an improv troupe.

-Oh you're really sellin' it.

It'll be dark and loud and full
of desperate, drunken people

just aching for someone to say
something nice to them.

-You'll fit right in.

Will any of these drunk,
desperate people be women?

I think so. I don't really
notice them anymore.

It's like I've got

OK, but is it like
an exclusively-gay thing?

Not exclusively.

I mean,
that'd be illegal, I think.

I don't know.

[upbeat pop rock music]

All right,
I'm just gonna say it.

I find your lack of effort
personally insulting.

I put on a jacket!

Are you not gonna take
your wedding ring off?

I'm still married.

Listen, I'm strugglin'
to try to find a way

to explain this whole
wife situation.

Well, I certainly
wouldn't open with it.

♪ Let's leave this place

♪ And run away

♪ And build our own home

♪ In our own way

♪ Let's take our time

♪ Leave our models behind

Courage, lad.

Booze will help, come on.

-What've you got there?
-Vodka tonic.

And what's this?
Like, some kind of IPA shit?

Bold choice, I like it.

Hey, uh... [clears throat]
who's your friend?

Oh, don't be like that,
it's just Elliott.

I mean, look at him,
he's blatantly heterosexual.

-Hey, hey.
-Hi, Hugh.

Hi, nice to meet you.

-Really nice to meet you,
-Nice to meet you.

You don't think there's
anything in this, do you?

I think there's lots
and lots of

disgustingly cheap
vodka in it,

-so, get it down.

-Pardon me, young man.
-Oh, hello, spunky.

Hi, who's the square?

This miserable piece of shit
is my good friend Elliott.

Elliott, may I present the
lady of the hour, Miss Dana.

-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you too, Elliott.

This is wonderful looking
work here.

Thank you,
I almost believe you.

Um, what do you do?

Well, I did just find out
that my wife and I are in

an open marriage and I-I didn't
know about that before...

very recently,
and now I'm, you know...

I'm just gonna press pause
on this super-sad story,

and I just gotta make the rounds
with everybody,

-but I'll come back
and chat with you.
-Very nice to meet you.

-Drink the punch. OK.

-Just say you're a screenwriter.
-But I'm not a screenwriter.

No one's gonna
press the issue.

Nobody wants to talk
to a screenwriter.

What if I want to talk to
somebody, like, women somebody?

Oh, then definitely don't
say you're a screenwriter.

I'm actually a screenwriter
actually, and--

Shh, shh, shh.


[moody soft rock music]

[man] I feel like your
Reactions of the Drought

is like an intensely
political statement, you know?

Right, totally.
How do you mean?

Well, you know,
it's just, like...

Like... like, it says so much
about you, like, politically.

-Hey, did you guys see
that thought catalog

essay that I posted?

-Yeah, it was so good.
-So good.

I liked.

-Your bicep is so big.
-Is it?

You know, I never really
noticed it.

Yes, dear?

I think I should call
a time-of-death about now.

Elliott, please, I mean,
it's barely, what time is it?

Who the fuck cares?

[hushed chatter]

You're both really lucky,
I'm gonna get another drink.

Do you guys want another drink?

[hushed chatter]

See you in a minute.

[moody electronic music]

It's very... evocative.

Yeah, that's a word for it.

I'm sorry, I don't do this.

Talk to strangers.

I'm not a stranger, I'm Kaley.



-A pleasure, Elliott.

And, look, I got that
on the first try.

So, Elliott, tell me,
how are your morals?

-I'm sorry, my what?

Your morals, how are they?

-Shaky... at best.


[both moaning]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? What?

I have to...
I should tell you something.

-Uh, wow, um...

Uh, just so that, like,
I'm not, like, a complete jerk
you should know, uh...

I'm married.

Oh, God, I thought you were
gonna say you had syphilis.

-No, just married.

-I'm cool with it.

-So... really, we can keep?

I should, oh, oh, OK, yeah.

Mm, oh my God, yeah.

[both moaning]


Hey, mornin'.

-You OK?

Oh, yeah, totally.

How was your night?
Good, I take it.

-Not bad.
-Good, good.

[phone vibrates]

[soft chuckle]

[bird chirping]

[phone vibrates]

[vibrating continues]

-Dude, Colton.

I got your message
and you know what?

I dig it, I'm in.

I'm not even gonna bother
runnin' it by the team.

Uh, that's great.

-Just do me a favor.
-That's good news.

Hit them up, let them know
we're moving forward,

I don't wanna, you know,

bruise any toes,
step on any egos.

Uh, yeah, man, sure.
Of course.

When do you wanna
come by the house, get goin'?

-Yeah, get it goin'.
-Yeah, does today work?

I could totally do today
or later this week, really.

Any time. I could do today,
I'm sure you're crazy busy.

Yeah, yeah, crazy busy,
but, um...

You know, today,
I have some time today.

OK, so, you know,
what time works for you, 3:30?

3:30 good, 3:35?

3:35 work for you?

Uh, 3:35 is great.

[Colton] Or, you know,
whenever, whenever.

[phone bleeps]

[phone vibrates]

[upbeat indie rock music]

♪ Every night as I

♪ Close your eyes I feel

♪ Like she never
felt that way ♪

♪ I keep comin'
you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin'
you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin'
you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin'
you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin'
you keep comin' ♪

♪ I keep comin'
you keep comin' ♪

My man!

You made it.

Come on, get over here.


Oh, I was just gonna try
this sweet-ass rose

that Pete Berg sent over,
you wanna try?

-Wanna sip, little sip?
-Uh, sure?

Falsta, are you here?
Is she here?

I don't think she's here.

All right,
we'll do that later.

What are you workin' on these
days, man, any good features?

-Keepin' busy, you know.
-Good, I'm sure, I'm sure.

-Here, have a seat.

Uh, you know, not that one.

-Right there.


I really dug your message,
man, and I'm really glad

that Sam put us in touch
because I was just having

a discussion with my peeps
about doin' somethin'

to put me back in the
conversation, you know?

And then what happens,
I get this message from you.

Boom, just like that,
offering me exactly

what I'm looking for.

The Universe, right?

You know, the fuckin'
Universe, man.

-The Universe, yes.

Anyway, so, do you remember
Collin's profile in Vanity Fair

that first one
he did a while ago?

It was...
He let this writer,

you know, shadow him
for, like, a month,

and they got drunk together
and they drank with his mom.

They did everything
and they ended up with this,

just in-depth
no-holds-barred profile

-that was fucking epic.

You know, it was fucking epic
and it made him a star.

Vanity Fairmade him a star.

It might have been Esquire.

And you wanna do somethin'
like that?

Yes! Exactly like that...

-except, about me.

-Not him, me, right, yeah?
-Right, of course, you.

-Yeah, yeah,
we would do it about you.

-So are you in?

Yes, no, I'm in, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, when do we start?

I mean,
I think we just did.

Have we been eating
more chicken lately?

We've been avoiding beef
because of the drought.

-Well, you know, because of
the water usage of cows?

-Well, yeah.

I saw a chart
on Eaterabout it.

How much water it takes
for different products,

and beef is the absolute worst,
so I stopped buying it.

Besides, you love chicken.

I don't think
it works like that.

What doesn't?

The steak you buy at the store,

that cow is already dead,
whether you buy it or not.

The water's already been used.

You can't affect economic change
after the fact like that.

At least I'm trying to help.

We're not buying almonds
anymore either.

Hm, I haven't noticed.

[fork clangs]

[phone vibrating]

So, I'm thinking we don't
spend that much time
on my upbringing,

it's boring, to be honest.

And, you know,
ET just did this whole thing

on it not that long ago.
They went out to Ohio

and they talked to
my old teachers

and folks I went
to elementary school with,

and big surprise,

what a bunch of fuckin'
assholes, am I right?

-You know?

People think Ohio's
all salt of the earth and shit,

but they will stab you in the
back in a fuckin' heartbeat.
I swear to God.

I think we could just kinda
stay away from that whole,
you know,

element and really just make it
about the here and now,

and what an asset I am
and facing the future,
you know, right?

-Totally, totally, right?

Anyway, good, OK,
so, you got it, you're all set.

I gotta make it to
this Soul Cycle class.

So, we'll talk later, bye.

[upbeat indie rock music]


Are those from here?
-Don't overthink.

I won't.

We're not having sex tonight.

Is that a challenge?
'Cause I like a challenge.

I'm serious,
I don't fuck on the second date.

-Was that our first date?
-[Kaley chuckles]

Retroactively, yes,
or hang out, whatever.

-OK, so...
-Why no fucking
on the second date?

You know, see if we
actually like each other.

You know,
everyone has it backwards.

The longer you put off the sex
the bigger a deal it becomes.

Everything's always about, like,
"When are we gonna do it?"

Right, but this way
we've already done it.

You know, there's no suspense,
no false pretenses.

Now, we can see if we
actually like each other.

-What do you think?

Well, I'm really good
at not having sex.

-[Kaley chuckles]


[moody electronic music]

You know, you still haven't
asked me what I do for a living.

-Haven't I?
-You haven't.

Oh, shit, I'm sorry.

It's OK, I kinda like it.

You know, too many people
lead with that.

Like you did with me.

Totally, busted.

So, that begs the question.

I'm a makeup artist,
mostly for reality TV.

Different housewives of
varying degrees of realness.

-Yeah, I'm kinda like
the pit crew for the washed up

has-beens of tomorrow, or today,
you know, depending on the show.

-So, did you always
wanna be a writer?

I am not a writer.

But your job, your...

-The press stuff?

No, no, I had a friend
a few years ago

who was a junketeer
and he told me that he would
just go see movies

and talk to actors for five
minutes and type up a transcript

-and get paid for it.
-That sounds simple enough.

It sounded like the biggest
fucking scam in the world, so...

I'm pretty good at it.

Up until recently,
I got a lot of work.



What was that for?

I just felt like it.

I'm gonna have to pace myself
with you, Mr. Married Man.

So... [chuckles]

I'm probably gonna
regret this, but...

-Your wife.

Mm, yeah?

I don't know,
what's to know?

How did you end up
married and still--

-On the make?
-If you must.

OK, uh...

Well, my wife, Allison--

Ooh, can we not use names?

Can we just stick to
"my wife?"

Fair enough.

-So, she who shall
not be named...

is from Great Britain.

She's British from the island
of Great Britain, yes.

And we met and dated
for about eight months

and she asked me
to marry her.

This thing,
this is her idea.

This arrangement.

-Oh, my God.

You're a passenger.

-I'm a...
you're a passenger,

someone else is driving.

That's crazy sad, man.

Like, uh...
but, like, sexy-sad, right?


Like, crazy sexy-sad?

I don't think that's a thing.

[Elliott sniffs]

[Elliott sighs]

[door opens]

You're home early,
how'd it go?

-How'd what go?
-Your date, silly.

I'm really not OK
with how OK you are with this.

I'm just trying
to be supportive.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Oh, here, let me get
out of the way for you.

[door shuts]

[pants dramatically]

-We need to talk.
-Yeah, we do.

No, I'm serious, we need to
talk about our problems.

We're in a state of flux,
but we can figure it out.

OK, I mean, you know,
figure out what--

[Allison pants dramatically]

Look, listen, I know we didn't
do this as cleanly and clearly

-as we could have.
-Oh, that's rich.

But, you know,
we're not miserable.

We have money,
a nice home, stability.

That has to account
for something.

-This just isn't what--
-[Allison pants dramatically]

This just isn't
what I imagined, you know?

Not what I pictured.

This isn't how
I wanna be married.



Oh, must you?



[Allison sighs]

And that was when I realized
that you can't date
actresses, man.

You know, at least not ones with
their own production company.

So fucking litigious.


You gettin' all this,
Gore Vorbinski?


Oh, yeah-yeah.

-Don't you mean Gore Vidal?
-Ah, whatever, man,

I'm just makin' sure
you're payin' attention.

I am, I am, but I got a lot
of my mind, I'm sorry.

-Girl problems?

-[chuckles] How'd you guess?
-It's always girl problems.

Or boy problems,
if that's your deal.

these are girl problems.

Seein' a girl, you know?

Is she hot?


Describe her.


OK, let me see a picture.


Whatever, dude!

Wait, aren't you married?

Yeah, but we have, like,
an arrangement.

Hot. Hot and smart.

Is your wife hot?
Is she smart? I bet she's smart.

You know, I just, I gotta...

-It's that time.
-What're you talkin' about?

I'm sorry, dude, you know what,
I'll listen, I'll listen!

-I'll call you in a--
-Is it with your...

If it's with your wife,
just invite her here, man!

Or the other one! Or both!

Both would be hot.

No? Oh, well.

[sings indistinct]

The fuck?

[Elliott] Do you ever hear birds
that sound kinda like
car alarms?

Yeah, totally, you too?

Really? I thought
I was goin' crazy.

No, it's totally a thing.

It's really depressing,
isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

I like it, you know,
it's kind of ironic.


Yeah, like natural beauty
gets invaded by something ugly,

and then nature finds a way
to make it beautiful again.

[both] Hm.

No, it's really,
really depressing.

[laughs] You think
everything is depressing.

They're mating calls.

It's a basic genetic
impulse to procreate,

only the thing that
they're trying to attract...

will never, ever...

ever respond.

It's hopeless.


[Elliott sighs]

She's like a fuckin' dude,
it's terrifying.

So, you mean she just
wants to have nasty,
unbridled sex with you?

Maybe chat a bit,
but nothing else,

no standard boyfriend

-Pretty much.
-Yeah, I don't see the problem.

The problem is,
I don't know how to do that.

I mean, I feel like in spite
of having a dick and everything

I'm hard-wired for monogamy.

Oh... That's terrible.

Why is that terrible?

I would think that
that would be commendable.

Don't know what to tell you,
it's awful.

Well, you could
tell me what to do!

I don't know.
Get with the times?

I am... I am with the times.

I'm a modern--
I'm a modern man,
very sophisticated.

-How so?
-I have very nice...

I have good taste in things.

-I know interesting people,
gay people.
-So, you just got to the 90s.

[phone vibrates]

[Kaley chuckles]

-I'm sorry.
-It's cool.

Well, not that this hasn't
been thoroughly delightful...

Could I, uh,
you know, come up and...?

Oh, uh, not tonight,
I have a date later, so...

-You have a date later?
-Yeah, a date.

I mean, not really a date,
it's this actor.

He's totally vapid
and obnoxious, but my God,
those fucking abs.


-[phone vibrates]

You probably don't
want the details. [chuckles]

Hey, I... I didn't, um,

I-I didn't know we were,
like, seeing other people.

Oh, um...

I mean, I'm not
your girlfriend or anything.


Come on,
I thought you were cool.

[Elliott laughs]

You know... [sighs]
Never mind.

-No, nothing.

No, tell me.

It's just...

We never go to your house.

I mean,
I've never even seen it.


That was stupid,
I shouldn't have said anything.

-No, no, it wasn't.
-No, it's fine, I'm gonna go.

-I'm gonna go.



[phone vibrates]

Yeah, you do know
that people can tell

when you send them
to voicemail, right?


I was just calling
to see if you were

ever planning on calling,
which sounded a lot less

fucking stupid
and desperate in my head,

but, you know what,
hey, there you go. [chuckles]

I had fun and I was gonna say
that maybe we should

do it again, but,
you know what, actually,
maybe not.

'Cause, you know.


Uh, by the way,

uh, what is this shit
about Colton Jane

thanking me for
putting you guys together?

I didn't press the issue,
but I just thought
you should know

that I prefer to be asked
before my name gets
dropped so heavily, OK?

Uh, so... call me!

Or don't, or don't, whatever.


Yeah, I'm just gonna,
yeah, OK, just...


See, with regular juicing,
you don't get the cellulose

and the natural fibers
and stuff, you know,

so, it ends up really not being
that good for ya, you know?



And, you know, plus the sugar.

The other way, the other
juicing way, it's all sugar,

and there's literally nothing
worse for you on the planet.

I had a doctor tell me
that sugar is worse for you

than poison, so there you go.


Yeah, I mean,
you know, more turmeric
would've been good.

-You want a little hit?
-I'm all right, I'm fine.

-Thank you.
-It's your body, bro.

Hey, let me ask you somethin'.

Isn't that the whole point?
Come on.

Let's have it.

-About me?
-Oh, oh!

By all means, what, about your
wife that doesn't fuck you?

Yeah, I didn't think
you were listening.

Dude, open marriage,
hot chick on the side.

Why would I not be listening?


-Why am I still married?
-That's-that's on you, buddy.

-So, what do I do?
-Oh, cut her loose.

-Which one?
-Either, whichever you want.

Oh, or...

Keep fuckin' the hot one
till she stops textin' you back.

That is what I always do.


Oh, I have liquid Vicodin!

My manager
left it here and there's
a House Hunters International

marathon that starts soon,
do you wanna watch it?

-Let's fucking chill, man.
-All right.


Where is it? Falsta!

[host] The first option
is a three-bedroom condo

for $800 a month.

[man] I love that it
has a table on the balcony.

That's actually
a steal for Medellín.



You only got one ticket.

I think it's better
if you don't come with.

Allison, it's your
father's funeral.

No, it's already a lot,
all of that over there.

Just, you should stay here.

[sighs] It feels wrong.

I just, I need you
to be here, OK?

And I need all of that
to be over there, OK?


Do you need, do you have
your passport and everything?


Do you want a snack
for the road?

Can you piss off please,

OK, yeah, yeah, OK.

[birds chirping]

[peaceful music]

Thank you, sailor.

-Oh, you are welcome... admiral.

[clears throat]

Ugh, you know, this couch
is ridiculously comfortable.

Yeah, I can barely sit on it
for more than, like, ten minutes

before I just pass out.

Is it weird
that I find that sexy?

That you find my old man
TV-watching habits attractive?

-Yeah. [laughs]
-That's perfectly normal.

-I, um,
have to admit something.

There are many, many other
pieces of comfortable furniture

dispersed all
throughout this house.

-Is that so?

I was thinking maybe
I should give you a tour?

Yeah, you hadn't yet,
and I was about to complain.

-Mm, that would so annoying.
-[Kaley chuckles]

Maybe, um, maybe we could
start with the particularly...

-comfortable bed
in the bedroom.

Show me.

I should, um...

I should really do something
about... my pants.


I should, uh, also do something
about your pants, too.

Um, do you think maybe we could,
uh, go back to the couch?

[chuckles] The couch?

Yeah, this just feels
a little weird.

It's just my bedroom.

Well, it's not
just your bedroom.

It feels like we're doing
something wrong.

I mean, I think it's OK.

Like... I'm really happy
that you're here
and that you came over and...

This is really nice.

Um, do you think
maybe we could just,

like, sleep for
a little bit or something?

Um... [chuckles]

Yeah, sure, of course, yeah.


Uh... oh.


Uh, do you want some, like,
pajamas or something or...?

I'm-I'm OK, thank you.

-Is that OK?



What're you doin' out here?

I'm sorry, I couldn't sleep,
I didn't wanna wake you.

I remembered what you said
about this couch being
so comfortable.

How come you're
wearing your jacket?

I should go.

No. No, come on,
stay, hang out and...

You know, we'll just, like,
watch a movie and we can talk--


This is supposed to be fun.

This isn't fun.


[friend] Elliott!


Yo, buddy!

Oh, there he is.

Good morning, sunshine.

-It's open.


Look, if now's not
a good time, I can...

Come on in, sit down.

He said super-convincingly.

What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry.

Kaley came by yesterday
and totally freaked out.

I can't say I'm surprised.

Your wife leaves
and your first thought is,

"Oh, gee, I can invite
my girlfriend over."

-Classy as fuck.
-She's not my girlfriend.

She's made that
abundantly clear, but,
yes, you are correct.

-I am the asshole.
-I'm just saying.

I don't know if "wife"
is the correct nomenclature

-these days, either.
-She... is... your... wife.

There's no gray area.

If you think that's not
an accurate label,

get a fucking divorce.



Come in, whatever.

You know,
you could've just texted.

I seriously
wouldn't have minded.

Breakup via text, I mean--

See, you think
we're breaking up,

which means you think
we're dating, but we're not.

We're just fucking.

Ouch. [chuckles]

I don't even know why
we're having this conversation.

I mean, why couldn't you
let it just, you know, end?

You know, that had that
whole thing about not fucking

on the second date,
and you called it a date.
You said it was a date.

Yeah, it just sounds
more clever that way, OK?

If I wanted a boyfriend,
which I don't,

I wouldn't go for the depressed,
unemployed, married guy.

-What if I wasn't married?
-Oh, fuck off. [sighs]

We could've been
amazing together.

But I'm a coward.

-I get it.

No, you really don't.

This isn't your lifeboat, El.

This is my life.

Now walk the fuck away.

I am so sorry.

You really need to stop
apologizing all the time.

-Jesus fucking Christ.

But, really,
what if I wasn't married?

OK, um...

You're always going to be
married, one way or another.

What does that mean?

It means that even if
you weren't married,

all you would be trying
to do is wife my shit up.

I mean, you're already
doing it anyway.


[keyboard clacks]


[birds chirping]


It's not irony...

Mr. Bird Alarm.

Irony is this feeling of

having never been so alone
and then wanting nothing more

than to share that with somebody
because it seems so fucking

imperative and raw.

And then you realize, oh crap,

there's absolutely
nobody to tell,

there's no one to share
this incredible sense
of solitude... to.

That is irony.

You're singin' the wrong song.

[softly] Oh, no.

[phone vibrates]



[Colton] What the shit, man?

-Hey, Colton.
-What the shit is this?

I got my publicist bitchin' at me for goin' behind her back

and doin' some stupid blog
and she sends me a link to this

trashy movie site that
I've never even heard of.

What is this?

Yeah, you know,
the thing about that, man--

It's not Vanity Fair,
this is not Vanity Fair.

What happened to Vanity Fair?

-Hey, Colton, can you hold on
for one second?
-Yeah, what?

Wait, no, but can you
just hold on for one second?

I'm sorry, dude, just hold on.


Oh, you...


[Allison] Hey, pudding.


Hey, you're back.

I'm back.

-So, um, I've been thinking--
-And so have I.


I thought a lot while
I was there on the plane.

I just, I sat and thought.

A lot.

And I know that we've
been having troubles.

I know things have been hard.

-No, no, I know that
you haven't been happy.

But my dad,
he had no one in the end.

No one.

I thought,
I don't want that.

It made me realize
how much I cherish this.

How much I need it.

I don't want to lose it.

I know
it's weird and different,

and not like how
you imagined, but I love you.

I love us.

And this relationship
only needs to make sense to us.

We just need
to figure out how.


Can we?


No... I don't want this.

I pour my heart out to you
and that's your response?

Look, I've been... thinking,

like I said, too, you know?

And maybe it's also
the thing with your dad,

but, you know, or everything
that's been happening,

and, I don't know,
I just, I realized
that I don't want this.

Like, deep down want.

-And life is too short--
-You met someone, didn't you?

Don't you think I haven't
had flings like that,

just fallen hard for someone
else, but I let them go for you,

because I married you.

-Yeah, but why?
-Just because!

No, you can't go,
I won't let you.

-You won't let me?
-No, fuck you.

I say we're not breaking up.

I say that's
fucking preposterous.

Well, fuck you.
I'm not going to let you be
my whole bloody life,

just because you want
to obliterate yours.

Grow the fuck up!

That's what I'm trying to do!


[sighs] Fuck.


Remind me to change
my gate code.

You don't really
work for Vanity Fair,

-do ya?

You know what
I'm startin' to think?

I'm startin' to think
you never did.



Look, I'll have
the post taken down.

Yeah, fucking do that, then.

I just need some money?

How much money?

How much does it take
to get a divorce?

Look, we can it a loan,
you know?

[chuckles] I mean,
I'll get you back and then

you'll never hear
from me ever again.

[rock music plays on radio]

[radio shuts off]

[engine starts]

[slow tempo music plays]

♪ You watched me grow

♪ Now watch me
fall from grace ♪

♪ I can't stand the look on

♪ Your innocent face

♪ All I hope

♪ Is that you're proud

♪ Of the person I am now

♪ The way I turned out

♪ Me and my

♪ Reality

♪ You and your

♪ Fantasy

♪ Livin' without me

[music ends]

[moody soft rock music]

♪ At the edge
of the green still lake ♪

♪ I spied your face
below the waves ♪

♪ Pale hands hangin'
miles and miles from ♪

♪ The nearest bed river flow

♪ Don't let the smoke
get in your eyes ♪

♪ Your eyes

♪ Your eyes are closed

♪ But still you see it

♪ Oh, you see it

♪ Your heart still beats

♪ And so you feel it

♪ Oh, you feel it

♪ They watched as
the love fell back ♪

♪ Retreating to the cold

♪ Different lips
and on-the-sides ♪

♪ The truths you never saw

♪ Careful,
mind as you walk along ♪

♪ The edge of all you feel

♪ City lights can't eliminate

♪ All that you call different

[music ends]