The Bank Dick (1940) - full transcript

Egbert Souse?
Why, isn't that an odd name?

It isn't pronounced "souse".

Accent grave over the E.
Egbert Sous-ay.

Oh, I see.

What's he up to now? What is he up to?

Your guess is as good as mine, Ma.
I never know what to expect.

I bet you anything
he's smoking up in his room again.

This time, Agatha,
you've got to just tell him to stop.

- His smokin' gave me asthma.
- Oh, Ma.

- If you don't, I'm going on the county.
- Ma!

Imagine a man
trying to take care of his family



by going to theatre bank nights, working
puzzle contests and suggesting slogans.

Telephone's ringing.

It's the Lacavas wantin' their lawn mower
back. We're not finished with it yet.

- Hello, daughter.
- Hello.

- Hello, Myrtle.
- Hello.

Hello.

Agatha, this time you've
got to tell him. I just can't stand it.

It's just a lingering death.

If you don't, I will go on the county!

What's eating you?

My Sunday school teacher, Mr Stackhouse,

told me that he saw my father
coming out of a saloon the other day.

And that Dad was smoking a pipe!

Oh, I'll kill myself!



What's the matter with her?

I'll starve myself to death.
It's the easiest way out.

It's not so difficult to do.

I tried it yesterday afternoon.

Oh, that must be Og. Will you excuse me?

- Nice potatoes.
- Thank you.

Why don't we get any more crumpets?

Smoking and drinking and reading
those infernal detective stories!

House just smells of liquor and smoke.

There he goes again, down to the saloon
to read that silly detective magazine.

Mother's right.
You've been smoking again in your room.

Imagine a man who takes money out
of a child's piggy bank, puts in IOUs.

Don't you dare strike that
child! You put that down! Put it down!

Uh... Og,
I'd like you to meet my father.

Father, this is Og Oggilby.

Og Oggilby.

Sounds like a bubble in a bathtub.

- I'm glad to have met ya.
- Mighty glad to have met you.

Your father seems awfully nice.

Yes... We think so.

What seems to be the trouble?

Are you carrying
the proper amount of air in the tyres?

Had the brakes tested lately?

Course, it may be the wheelbase.

- The tools.
- Why don't you mind your own business?

Listen to the gentleman attentively,
James.

- Be polite!
- Thank you, madam.

Gimme a shifting spanner. I'll fix it.

- A what?
- Monkey wrench.

Give the gentleman
what he asks for, James.

Ow!

Here's all you gotta do.

Just open up this nut here.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I was down Cape Cod
most of... that year.

Say, you'll have to either Vaseline this
place in here or move the post over.

I have half interest in
a cod liver oil mine down in Cape Cod.

Snowed all winter.

We did a lot of boondoggling.

- Did you ever boondoggle, Joe?
- No, I can't say that I have.

These cloves are pretty dry.
You oughta sprinkle 'em with alcohol.

How do you do?

Meet you up the Elks club
several weeks ago?

- No.
- Never did, eh?

- Ever do any boondoggling?
- No.

- Gimme a beer.
- Never have, eh?

Mine's a poultice.

Never done boondoggling.
Must've been another fella, I guess.

Take off your hat
in the presence of a gentleman.

Well...

Here she goes, down the hatch.

But I tell you, he's drunk, QQ.

Said he had trouble with his wife.

Yes.

We have tried, but he isn't sober.

The best I can.
But you don't understand, QQ!

Hello?

Hello?

The best I can!

- Uh, give me a...
- Good morning.

What can you give me
for shattered nerves? I got the jitters.

If the gentleman has butterflies
in his stomach, I suggest a dash of Rover.

Rover?

Dog. Absinthe.
It's very good for the nerves.

- That's fine.
- Thank you.

That's just what I needed.

My name's Mackley Q Greene. A man
more beset by trouble you'll never see.

Again.
I'm here in Lompoc on a movie location.

My director started
on a bender last night.

We got a 36-hour schedule
and a stinko script.

It's a one-reeler, and it opens
in this very town the day after tomorrow.

You're yelling right down my alley.

In the old Sennett days,
I used to direct Fatty Arbuckle,

Charlie Chaplin,
Buster Keaton and the rest of 'em.

I can't get the celluloid
outta my blood.

Nights, I used to tend bar.

Would you entertain a proposition
to direct this picture?

Take a gambler's chance on a percentage?

Um... Yes, just a moment.

Uh... Was I in here last night,
and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?

- Yeah.
- Oh, boy!

What a load that is off my mind.
I thought I'd lost it.

Here. Keep the change.

I've got a script
I've had in mothballs for 20 years.

I read it to Irving and Milton
who run the Gem Cinema down here.

They said to me, "Sousé,
it's better than Gone With The Wind."

My car's outside.
Let's get down on the set.

I'll bring the glasses back later.

Take a note, please.

Oh, Mr Clam, it's good for you.

Still can't do a thing with him.
He's tight as a snare drum.

We won't bother with him.
Mr Sousé will take over.

- Oh, fine. Glad to meet you Mr Sousé,
- Glad to know you.

Must've been a gnat.

Here comes Francois and Miss Plupp.

Oh, yeah.

Hi. This is Miss Plupp, I take it?

- And you are Francois?
- Mr Sousé. He's taking over direction.

Did you sleep well last night?

Oh, I...

- Maybe un peu?
- Comme ci, comme ça.

I don't know whether this part
is suited to my personality or not.

Don't give it a thought.
I've changed everything.

Instead of it being
an English drawing-room drama,

I've made it a circus picture.

Don't sit there.
Take down everything he says.

- Good morning, Mr Greene.
- Yah!

It's Saturday afternoon.
You make touchdown after touchdown.

You kick goals, you make passes.

You make the longest run with the ball
that was ever made on the field.

In these clothes?

Um... You could change your hat.

All right, Mr Clam, everything's
gonna be all right. Just take it easy.

He sees you in the fifty-dollar seats.

He immediately falls in love with you.
He can't take his eyes off you.

- How can he play base...
- Foot.

...ball and watch me in the grandstand?
- Wait a minute. It's part of the plot.

Attaboy!

- I can't stand up.
- That's swell. Now you're doin' good.

We'll play the scene very digni... fied.

Service, please.

Come on, boys, come on.

- It's him.
- For the love of Pete!

Attention.

We'll just walk through this thing.

Take it from where, Miss Plupp,
you come out of the grandstand.

- He makes me sick.
- Shall I bounce a rock off his head?

Respect your father.

- What kind of a rock?
- Oh, shut up.

You're both
madly in love with each other.

Embrace.

- Is she standing in a hole?
- No, sir.

Go ahead, read your lines.

- When does this thing stop?
- You're doing all right.

Got any cigars, kid?
You know the brand.

We're making motion-picture
history here. I want quiet!

Quiet from everybody!

Aaaagh!

Pa's drunk again.

Cut that out. Take your dirty hands
off me and get back to your places.

Here. Give this
that number-seven expression.

- "Those eyes! Those ears!"
- I wanna be in the picture.

I'll put you in later on, dear.
Uh... give it...

What's the matter, Pop?
Don't you love me?

Don't you dare strike that child.

She ain't gonna tell me
I don't love her.

- "Those eyes"...
- Those eyes, those ears...

That nose...

Godfrey Daniel! Mother of pearl!

The child's only playing with you,
you fool.

I don't understand her funning.

Let's, uh...

And now to continue.

"Those eyes..."

And... Thanks.

Oh. Uh... study that script.
Say, Joe...

Mr Sousé.

Mr Sousé!
How do you like that?

Mr Greene, you haven't
another thing to worry about.

I am perfectly OK.

You look it.

- Getting quite late.
- It is, isn't it?

- See you're still at it.
- Serves you right.

- Be courteous, James.
- Yes, ma'am.

We'll leave the motor running. Come on.

Pass over all that dough,
and do it quietly.

Parking in front of a no parking sign
with the engine running!

Two-buck fine'll do him good.
Let's take it to headquarters.

Don't forget to keep your foot off that alarm.

Somebody must've nailed the car.
Let's take it on the lam.

Help! Help! Police, help!

- Police! Help! Robbery! Help!
- Help! Police!

- Split that money.
- Keep goin'.

Supposing we get split up? How much
money you got? Start counting.

- Don't you trust me?
- I don't even trust my mother.

- Give me my end.
- Turn loose of me.

Bank robbers, two of 'em.
Went down this alley.

"Out to tea. Joe."

Be drinkin' sarsaparilla next.

- Gimme half of that dough.
- I will not.

Must be another hold-up somewhere near.

There they are!

- Grab him while I put these on.
- That's not one. That's Mr Sousé.

Yeah, Sousé. Accent grave over the E.

Fine job apprehending this desperado
and retrieving the funds.

- What?
- You saved the $50,000.

- That's the most important part.
- 50,000 ain't hay.

- Other fella got away on you, huh?
- What happened? Uh, yes! Yes!

He got away. Pulled a knife on me,
that long. An assegai.

- Lucky you had that revolver.
- Take this.

We detectives gotta do those things.

Never know
when you're gonna catch bank robbers.

I know Mr Skinner
would like to thank you personally.

- Why don't you drop into the bank?
- Oh, I will.

- Which way'd the other fella go?
- The other fella? He went away.

Look out! Look out!
I oughta give him a punch on the nose.

See those handcuffs are on tight,
will ya?

You'd better come
and identify this fella.

I'll break every bone in his hand.

- Myrtle should be proud of you.
- I guess she is.

No wonder, after a thing like that.

Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sousé's father
just caught a burglar.

And he tried to cut his throat
with a knife about this long!

- Yeah.
- And he had a gun about this big!

- You don't say?
- Did you kill him with one bullet?

Mm-hmm.

- Ooh, jiminy, you're pretty good.
- Jiminy!

One or two bullets, I don't know,
I was so busy shooting him.

- Hey, go on, do another.
- Oh, boy!

- Will you teach me?
- That's swell!

I'll teach you when you grow up.
I never smoked a cigarette till I was nine.

Sign my autograph book, Mr Souse?

Sousé, son, accent grave over the E.

Sousé, it has the accent grave.

I saw you through the window.
A knife four feet long, eh?

I'll say that the sword
that Lee surrendered to Grant

was a potato peeler by comparison.

- Come and have a poultice on the house.
- I don't mind if I do.

- Mr Sousé?
- Yes?

Here's the interview you gave me.
I'd like you to look it over.

Oh, thanks. I'll peruse it instanter.

Oh, yes!
"Skinner's National Bank robbed."

"Edward Sousé makes daring, heroic...

- Hey, you!
- "...of Loudmouth McNasty,

alias The Wildcat."

"Drawing his revolver,
which he carries for such emergencies,

he struck Mc... Nasty..."

You see, putting things like that
on motor cars is what kills people.

Get outta there!

"...for such emergencies..."

The Lompoc Picayune Intelligencer
just got out a special edition,

telling how I apprehended them two crooks.

Can't you see
we're playing an interesting game?

There was an article in there, telling
how I apprehended a couple of crooks

who stole two million dollars
from Skinner's Lompoc Bank.

You would.
Skinner's Lompoc Bank!

Them's the Shylocks
that's got the mortgage on this house,

haunting you from morning till night,
the old pinchpennies!

Why don't you move?

I'm sorry they didn't get away. Leave it
to him, he would do a thing like that.

I think I'll go up to my room
for a moment.

They want me to come down to the bank
to get a reward or a job or something.

I'll go down in the morning.

- Don't you smoke up in your room.
- Oh! No, I won't, dear.

What am I doing?

- Hello, Og!
- Hello, honey.

That was a great stunt
your father pulled.

Two crooks stole $25,000. I never knew
your father had so much fortitude.

- Are you kiddin'?
- No.

Oh, come on, let's talk about us, dear.

- He took his pistol and hit one fella.
- He hasn't got a pistol.

The paper said your father took
an assegai from one of the fellas.

- A what's-a-gai?
- An assegai. A sword!

- Where did the papers get the story?
- From your father.

Oh. Let's talk about us, Og.

Well, I get my bonus pretty soon. I've
already picked out your engagement ring.

Oh... Oh, Oggie!

Oh, golly! Mmm!

Shucks.

- I have an appointment with Mr Skinner.
- Step to one side, please.

Thank you, Miss Carroll.

- I have an appointment with Mr Skinner.
- Please, just to one side.

Oh.

There you are.

- The president...
- Please, will you step to one side?

Just a moment.

- Nice weather.
- Yes, it is.

- Yes. Clever observation.
- How've you been, Mr Penny?

- Fine, thank you.
- That's good. Very interesting.

Ah...

Oh.

How do you do?

- How do you do?
- How are you, sir?

Oh, well as can be expected after that
tussle I put up with those two bandits.

- Oh, yes.
- I went to see the doctor.

He said as a result of that scrap,

I'll probably have to have a kidney
and my gall bladder removed.

He said I also may need an appendectomy.

Young Oggilby told me
to come up and see the president.

Oh, yes, Will you step aside, please?
Just step one side.

- Good mornin', sir.
- How are you?

I wanna draw my money outta the bank.

- You're not gonna close your account?
- I sure is.

- Is there any particular reason?
- Yes, sir. I'm scared.

Every time I come in here,
you've got your hat on.

Look like you're ready to take off.
It keeps me nervous.

I just wear this hat
on account of a little hay fever.

- Oh, excuse me.
- That's all right.

I hadn't any right standing in front
of the hole. Where's his office?

- Mr Skinner's office is over there.
- Oh, thanks.

- Good morning, Mr Sousé.
- Good morning.

- Mr Skinner's expecting you.
- Is he? Oh, thanks, I'll go right in.

We want to show our appreciation
of your gallantry and daring.

- Thank you.
- I wish to give you a hearty handclasp.

- Oh, thanks. Hearty handclasp, yes.

And to present you, with the company's
compliments, one of our 1940 calendars,

made especially for this bank,
entitled "Spring In Lompoc".

Oh!

Doesn't look unlike the Mona Lisa.

Won't you be seated? I've been
in consultation with our director.

We've decided that what has been needed
in this bank is a special officer.

Or to revert to the argot
of the underworld, a bank dick.

In lieu of your heroism,
your valiant, dauntless courage,

I offer you this position.

- Oh, thank you.
- The remuneration will be small.

We're a growing concern, we're young,
but there are chances for advancement.

Who knows? Within a short time,
you may become my vice president.

My first and only vice!

Very good.

- Uh, what time in the morning?
- The bank opens at ten.

Oh. Well, that's all right.

If I'm not here on time, just go right
ahead without me. I'll catch up with ya.

We will deduct a certain amount
from your salary each week,

which will go to pay off
the mortgage on your home.

Otherwise
it will necessitate foreclosing.

In view of what has transpired, that
would cause us heartfelt contrition.

You took the very words
right outta my mouth.

I'll see you here Monday, then, and I'll
bring my detective disguises with me.

Listen, Og, there's more to this
detective business than meets the eye.

It requires cunning and resourcefulness.

And I have both.

I have a thousand disguises at home.

I'll come in with one of those disguises
on. If you recognise me, you go...

- Like this?
- Not up high. It's too blatant.

Down there.
Just give me a little one like that.

If you don't recognise me, go...

Well, if you don't recognise me,
you won't know what to do.

And you won't recognise me!

I'll be in later.

You gotta keep in practice
for this game.

You never know when you're gonna...

have to use your gun.

I really have a reason for a snort
this morning.

After that bout I put up with
those two crooks, I'm still arm weary.

President of the bank called me in.
He says, "Sousé?"

I said, "Yes?"

He says, "I want you down here
for our bank dick."

"We've wanted a bank dick a long while."

He says, "In your Christmas box,

will in all probability
be the vice presidency of this bank."

- What'll it be?
- Depth Bomb.

Keep your hat off there.

Very tasty.
I think I'll have another one.

Uh, some fresh water.

And a towel. Thank you.

Never like to bathe
in the same water twice.

Neat little trick, isn't it?

Pardon me. I couldn't help
overhearing your conversation.

- Pardon me, pardon me.
- It's quite all right.

Waterbury's my name.
J Frothingham Waterbury.

Very glad to know you.
My name's Sousé.

- How do you do?
- Accent grave over the E.

Oh, so?
I'm in the bond and stock business.

I have 5,000 shares
of the Beefsteak Mines in Nevada

that I want to turn over to your bank.

I like this town, and I want some
contacts. I think you're the very man.

These shares are selling
for ten cents a share and...

- Ten cents, eh?
- That's terrible.

These shares
are selling for ten cents a share.

- A telephone company sold for five.
- Five cents?

These shares are twice as expensive,
therefore they'll be twice as valuable!

- Sure they will.
- You're no dunce.

The telephone is now listed at $1.73,
and you can't buy it.

$3,460 for every nickel you put into it.

Now, the point I'm trying to make
is this.

The point I'm trying to make is,
these shares sell for ten cents.

It's simple arithmetic. If five
will get you ten, ten'll get you twenty.

- Sure.
- Sixteen-cylinder cars.

A big home in the city.

Balconies upstairs and down.

Home in the country. Big trees.
Private golf course.

Stream running through the estate.

Warm Sunday afternoon fishing under
the cool trees, sipping ice-cold beer.

I can almost see the foam.

- Ham and cheese on rye.
- With mustard.

- Yeah.
- We have mustard at the house.

And then this guy comes up the shady
drive in an armoured car from a bank.

And he dumps a whole basket of coupons,

worth hundreds of thousands of dollars
right in your lap.

And he says,
"Sign here, please, on the dotted line."

I'll have a fountain pen by that time.

Then he's off, to the chirping of our
feathered friends in the arboreal dell.

- That's what these bonds mean.
- They do, eh?

I'd rather part with my grandmother's
paisley shawl or her wedding ring

than with these bonds.

Yeah, it must be tough
to lose a paisley shawl.

Thank you. That's fine.

Gosh! Oh, pardon my language.

- I swear sometimes myself.
- I feel like a dog.

But it's now or never.
It must be done, so take it or leave it.

- I'll take it.
- Fine, fine, fine!

- Meet me down the bank in an hour.
- Certainly!

- My card.
- Oh, thanks.

I got you set for life. I don't hang
round that Black Pussy Café for nothing.

I met a fella in trouble. Something the
matter with his grandmother's shawl.

He has 5,000 shares
in the Beefsteak Mine,

and you can buy them
for a handful of hay.

Hay? And they're worth?

Ten cents a share.

Telephone sold for five cents a share.

How would you like something better
for ten cents a share?

If five gets you ten,
ten'll get you twenty.

Beautiful home in the country.
Upstairs and down.

Beer flowing through the estate
over your grandmother's paisley shawl.

- Beer?
- Beer!

Fishing in the stream
that runs under the arboreal dell.

A man comes up from the bar,

dumps $3,500 in your lap
for every nickel invested.

Says to you,
"Sign here on the dotted line."

And then disappears
in the waving fields of alfalfa.

Gosh.
Do you think he was tellin' the truth?

You don't think a man would resort
to tarradiddle, do you?

Why, he sobbed like a child

at the very thought
of disposing of these shares.

- How does a bank make money?
- By investing.

That's the point. Now, you don't wanna
work all your life. Take a chance!

Take it while you're young.

My uncle, a balloon ascensionist,

Effingham Hoffnagle, took a chance.

He was three miles and a half
up in the air.

He jumped out of the basket
of the balloon,

and took a chance
of lighting on a load of hay.

Golly!

Did he make it?

Uh...

- No.
- Oh.

He didn't. Had he been a younger man, he
probably would've made it. That's the point.

Don't wait too long in life.

I've never done anything like this.

And another thing,
I haven't got the money.

Course, my bonus comes due in four days.
That's $500.

I could buy 'em then and I really might
be worthy of your daughter's hand.

Women really appreciate
the fine things in life.

You don't wanna die and leave your wife
and children paupers, do you?

- No.
- Borrow the $500 from the bank.

You intend to pay it back
when your bonus comes due, don't you?

- Oh, sure.
- Surely!

Don't be a luddy-duddy.

Don't be a mooncalf.

Don't be a jabbernowl.

- You're not those, are you?
- No.

I guess there's no way
you could confuse it with stealing.

Ha. Nothing could be more absurd.

Well, all right, send him in.

He won't be here till eleven o'clock.

- Got him!
- Oh, what do you mean?

Back! Back!

- The idea!
- Is that gun loaded?

Certainly not. But I think you are.

Mummy, doesn't that man
have a funny nose?

You mustn't make fun of the gentleman.

You'd like to have a nose like that
full of nickels, wouldn't you?

I'll throw him in the wastepaper basket
the next time he comes in.

How do you do? I'm the officer.
Can I help you in any way?

I'd like to see Mr Skinner, please.

Oh, yes, he'll be very glad to see you,
I'm sure.

Very glad.

J Pinkerton Snoopington,
bank examiner, is that right?

- Yes.
- He'll be very glad to see you.

But, um... he's gone out
to the golf course on business.

He won't be back till midnight.

If he does return, where can I call you?

The New Old Lompoc House,
on the avenue.

Oh, New Old Lompoc House!

Frank Cridellhoffer, the management.

I know him well. If you need anything
during the night, just mention my name.

- Yes, yes, I will.
- That's fine, yes.

Got some bad news for you.
Can you take it now or shall I hold off a little?

That was the bank examiner, wasn't it?

- You guessed it the first time.
- Oh, I knew this would happen!

I was a perfect idiot to listen to you.

You listen to me, Og. There's nothing
in this world that is perfect.

It'll be four days before I get my bonus
and can replace that money.

Oh, was I a dope!
I've sacrificed everything.

My job, my marriage to your daughter.

Keep my daughter's name out of this.

Don't you ever tell me again
I'm not a jabbernowl and a mooncalf!

Please get out of the office, Mr Sousé.
This is terrible.

I reiterate, Oggilthorpe.
Leave everything to me.

Don't worry about a thing.

Hello, hello!
Give me the New Old Lompoc House.

Yeah, the New Old.

Is Charlie on the desk?

What's a six-letter word
meaning "embezzlement"?

Prison.

I'll bet that's Og.

He's got her betting now.
She never gambled before she met him.

- Hello, Og.
- Hello, dear.

- Still on your crossword puzzle?
- Uh-huh. I'll tell you one on Grandma.

I asked 'em a six-letter word
meaning "embezzlement",

and she said "prison"!

Isn't that a hot one?

Huh?

- She's right.
- What's the matter with you?

I've got something to confess.

- Our engagement is off.
- Og! What are you saying?

It's only off for a while... if you're willing
to wait until I get out of prison.

Og, don't scare me.

Oh, stop fooling.

- What do you mean?
- I don't know. I can't think straight.

Your father brought a man to the bank

who sold me his grandmother's shawl
with a beer river running through it.

- I don't know what it was.
- Are you sick?

Let me feel your head.
Oh, you've got a fever!

Your father got me to take $500
from the bank fund and invest it in...

- Og!
- Shh! Not so loud.

I don't want your mother to hear this.

He got me to invest it in telephone
and telegraph, an electric light company.

No, it wasn't a telephone or telegraph.
It was a beefsteak mine.

A beefsteak mine?
Og, have you been drinking?

I'm going to tell Mother that Father got
you to drink and steal from the bank.

- No, listen.
- I'm going to tell my mother

my father got you to steal money
and invest it in a beefsteak mine.

Oh, now, Myrtle!

It was mighty nice of you to call me,
Mr Sousé.

Not at all.
I knew you were a stranger in town.

I wanted to make your stay happy.

I work for the Chamber of Commerce
when I'm not on my regular...

Would you like to weigh yourself?
I know the manager here.

He'll let you weigh yourself
for nothing.

This Lompoc
is noted for its beautiful girls.

- I imagine you've noticed them.
- I have.

I'm a married man
with a grown daughter, 18 years of age.

Oh, I'd like to meet her.
I'm very fond of children.

Girl children, around 18, 20.

I have a young daughter
of marriageable age. Also a small daughter.

Nice wife, and a mother-in-law
that loves me like her own son.

- Like to give the town a double-O?
- A constitutional couldn't hurt.

No. Ha! The Black Pussy Café
and Snack Bar!

Hello, Patsy. How are you?

Would you like a little spot?

No, I never drink during business hours,
thank you.

Just a little spot and we'll find out
how Gumlegs came out at Del Mar today.

This, uh...
this place isn't crowded, is it?

No, if it wasn't for me,
the place'd starve to death.

- I'll dawdle for about ten minutes.
- OK, we'll dawdle together.

Oh, after you.

Thank you.

It's a nice little place here.

Psst! Could we find a secluded spot
where we won't be observed?

Oh, surely. Sit right down there,
nobody'll see you.

Just a couple of local beer guzzlers.

Could we pull the shade?

You can pull anything you want.
It's a regular joint. I know Joe very well.

- What's your pleasure?
- Rye highball.

- Rye highball.
- Make it light.

Light rye.

- Hi, Mr Sousé, what'll it be?
- I want two highballs.

One very light.
You can double up on mine.

- Has Michael Finn been in here today?
- No, but he will be.

Mm-hm. That's good.

- How'd Gumlegs come out in the fifth?
- He ran sixth.

Oh, the dog!

- You ever bet on the races?
- No, I never wager.

You never wager. That's not a bad idea.
It's a good system.

I bet on that Gumlegs once.

He won, but the jockey
got off at the three-quarters,

and had to carry him across the tape
on his back. He's a beetle.

The jockey was a very insulting fellow.

He referred to my proboscis

as an adscititious excrescence.

I had to tweak his nose.

I was compelled...
That's fine, thank you.

Well... no one's lookin'.
Down the hatch.

Down the h...

I feel deathly ill.

Well...

Fill 'em up again, Joe.

No, no, please.

I've never had such a feeling
in all my life.

- Probably it's something you've eaten.
- I haven't eaten anything.

There you are! You haven't eaten!
I'll get you some nice chili con carne.

- Let's get out of here.
- Or it may be the altitude. Come on.

Don't worry about a thing.
You're all right.

It may be the altitude.
This town has an altitude of 500 feet.

Population is 4,500.

Schools, churches, public library.

Three blocks of paved streets.

Two trains a day, not counting the milk
train, goes through four in the morning.

- We have three drugstores.
- Stop.

- One actually sells medicine.
- Stop, I'm dying.

Could you direct me to a culvert?

Why don't you wait
till you get up to the hotel?

We pass the Spanish Americo
Chili Parlour on the way up.

Maybe you've eaten an oyster
in a month that hadn't an "R" in it.

Don't let these people know.
It's a respectable place.

That's all right, that's all right.
Come on, come on.

Equilibrium's the thing.

If your friend is drunk,
don't bring him into this hotel.

He's already registered here.
J Pinkerton Snoopington.

Little case of ptomaine poisoning.
Something he ate.

Get him out of sight. He's in room five.

Room five. Come on, old boy. Come on.

This won't last forever.
Come on. Look out!

Look out! That's it.
Now, you're all right.

You'll be fine,
or I'll fix it so you will be...

...in due time.

I shall see that the Lompoc
Ladies' Auxiliary will be informed.

- I thought this was a family hotel.
- Yes, indeed it is.

Mr Snoopington has a touch of ptomaine.

Hmm.

Didn't smell like ptomaine.

- Well!
- Drat, drat, drat, drat, drat!

Come on. Here you are.

- OK, OK.
- What are you trying to do?

Fill this hotel full
of delirium tremens? We've a reputation!

It's the same man.
Just fell out the window.

Friend of mine caught him
on the first bounce. Face up.

I'll see that he doesn't bounce again.

Come now, Mr Snoopington.

Let's pull ourselves together now.
Here we go. Up, up, up.

Oh, yes, he's blotto.

- Isn't he?
- Oh!

When you hear the tone, it will be
22 and one half minutes till seven.

Listen, I'm calling Dr Stall,

and as a matter of fact,
when I hear the tone,

it'll be 22 and one half minutes
till six. Get me Dr Stall.

I'll give you Information, please.

I don't want "Information please"
or Professor Quiz or "Calling all cars".

I want Dr Stall.

Louder, please.

"Louder, please"? If I spoke any louder,
I wouldn't need a telephone.

Gimme Dr Stall.

Hello.

Just a moment, please.

You've got to cut out all health foods
for a while. That'll be ten dollars.

The nurse will return your clothes
with the receipt.

Hello.

This is Sousé speaking, Doc.
How are ya?

I'm here at the New Old Lompoc House.

There's a bank examiner in town,
an old friend of the family's.

He's evidently been on a bender.
He's full of nose paint.

Hello, Snoopy, old boy!
How do you feel?

Oh, I feel as though I've been poisoned.

You look the picture of health.

Shame.

Agony.

My poor wife.

Little Dorrit!

I forgot to telephone them last night.

Why don't you let me
get you something to eat?

How'd you like some breaded veal cutlet
with tomato sauce?

Urgh!

A chocolate éclair with whipped cream?

Poor fellow hasn't had anything to eat.

Oh. I guess that's the doctor.

Hello, Doc. How are ya? How's business?

Oh, fair. I don't suppose we'll ever get
another whooping cough epidemic.

No, I don't suppose we will.

This is the eminent Dr Stall,

diagnostician,
our town's leading physician.

What's the name?

J Pinkerton Snoopington.

- Business?
- Bank examiner.

Bank examiner?
Quite a lucrative occupation.

Do you mind showing me your tongue?

You must eat more solids,
meats and sauces.

You need iron. Liver and bacon.

You lack vitamins A, B and C.

Skip the rest down to X and Y.

If Z is necessary,
we'll give you that later.

What you need most of all is rest.

Rest will do more for you
than all the doctors in the world.

- No exercise!
- No.

Now, you take two of these

in a glass of castor oil for two nights
running, then you skip one night.

But you said
I wasn't to take any exercise.

You take me too literally.

What I should say is, you take two
for two nights consecutively.

- And then you...
- Refrain from taking them one night.

Yes.

That's absolutely true, and
they're tasteless. Good with goulash.

With the proper rest, I'll get you
out of here in three days.

Yes, sir,
I'll get you out in three days.

- Three more days and you'll be out.
- Fore!

Careful waving that cane.
You might hit something.

Yeah, I might hit that globe up there.

That'll be just one day before
the boys at the bank get their bonus.

Yes, sir,
I'll have you out in three days.

Unless, of course, complications set in.
That'll naturally take an extra day.

Yes!

Now, leave everything to me.
I'll do the worrying.

Be happy and gay!

I'll have the management
send you up a radio.

Come on, Doc. We'd better be going.

Toodle-oo!

Gonna have the missus bake you
a nice coconut custard pie.

You haven't a thing to worry about. I've got
Snoopington at the New Old Lompoc House.

- He's still in bed.
- Oh, much obliged.

- I gotta put on my work clothes now.
- OK, go ahead.

Uh, what do you mean?

Oh, yeah. I thought I'd lost it.

How-dee-do, Mr Skinner?

Mr Sousé, we appreciate the capture
and manhandling you gave those criminals.

Oh, nothing at all! Nothing, really.
They were a couple of tough fellows.

One of them pulled a knife on me.

Pulled a knife that was really...

It was...

It was about that...

It was about that long.
It was an assegai.

Doesn't anyone ever pull a short knife
on you, Mr Sousé?

A little one, about that long?

Oh, yes! Yes, yes.

Major Moe one time, a little
coloured midget, pulled one on me.

It was about that long.
Wasn't really a knife. It was a razor.

We're grateful to you
for retrieving the bank's funds.

Oh, that was all in the line of duty.

We feel we've shown our gratitude
by giving you a position as bank's officer.

But when you caution
Mrs Muckle's little son

about carrying a toy pistol
into the bank, that's going too far.

I cannot impress upon you too firmly,

the Skinner Bank
is a dignified institution.

Yeah, that's the way
I always figured it. Yes.

I guess you figured it the same way,
working here the same as I do.

I've been informed
that you are a frequenter

of a café known as the Black Pussy.

Oh, yes. Say, that reminds me.

One of the customers gave it to me.
Smoke it at your leisure.

By the way,

accept this silver-plated napkin ring
with my compliments.

I won it
over at the bowling alley last night.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Why, Mr Snoopington!
- Agh!

I beg your pardon.

It's an unexpected pleasure to see you.

It's no pleasure for me, Mr Skinner.
I'm a very sick man.

But I'm also a man for duty.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to look over your books.

Of course we don't mind. This bank is
always ready for an audit, yes, siree.

Mr Sousé, our special officer,
will give you every assistance you wish.

Come in.

- Not well, Mr Snoopington?
- No, I'm not feeling very fit.

Well, I'll leave you to Mr Sousé.

And rest assured
you are in proper hands.

Thank you.

After you.

Are you, um...

are you still suffering
from that slight nausea you had?

I haven't quite gotten over it.

Well, listen,
I don't want to be a crapehanger,

but in your weakened condition,
you're subject to all sorts of maladies.

Now, I want to tell you something
very confidentially.

I know positively
that our good friend Dr Stall

has treated this boy
who thumbs the pages of these books

for Malta fever, beriberi,

and that dreaded of all diseases,
Mogo on the Ga-Go-Go.

Mr Sousé, if duty called,

I would go into the tsetse fly country
of Africa and brave sleeping sickness,

if there were books to be examined.

- This way?
- Uh, yeah.

Would you like to examine the books
of the Black Pussy Café?

Thank you.

What you need to get
is a description of that place.

- Og, what's the matter?
- Exactly what I suspected!

The old Mogo on the Ga-Go-Go.

Og?

- Whisky!
- Whisky? Look out! I'll get it!

- Whisky...
- Speak to me!

What happened to him?
Help me lift him up.

- Just wet his lips with it.
- OK.

Here you are.

Uh...

Oooh!

Something in the clamp?
Oh, that's a good question.

Ah, unfortunately, you must've
had your hand in there.

That'll interfere with your writing.

It won't.
Fortunately, I'm left-handed.

Oh, that's unfort... Oh, yeah.

Get him a glass of water.

Feel better?

Psst!

Mr Sousé?

- Did I see that bank examiner here?
- Why, I don't imagine so.

With my introspective eye
as a detective,

I would naturally have seen him...

Ah, just as I thought. Recurring fever.

I'm sorry to appear overzealous,
but these books have got to be examined.

- Let me help you, Mr Snoopington.
- Oh, thank you.

Here you are, sir.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I can't see a thing without my glasses.

- Here you are, sir.
- Thank you.

- I'll be over here if you need me, sir.
- All right.

If I can be of...

Oh, sorry. And I try to be so helpful!

Well... Oh. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I hope that won't interfere
with your auditing the books.

It certainly will not!

Oh, that's good, that's good.

It couldn't be possible that Mr Sousé

is trying to keep me
from examining the books?

There, you see?

Mr Sousé,
I've done Mr Oggilby a great wrong.

And I'm here to rectify that wrong.

I was hoodwinked into believing
those bonds were 100 per cent.

I've never been guilty
of a dishonest act in my life.

I'll take those bonds off his hands
if I have to pay with my own blood.

- Transfusion?
- Anything.

There you are. The man is willing to buy
the bonds back with his own blood.

I don't want blood. I want money.
Let him give me back the $500.

The boy needs money.

He doesn't want blood.
He's got high blood pressure already.

- Give him what he paid for the bonds.
- I'm the saddest man in the world.

You may be the second saddest,
but he's the saddest.

I'm prepared to pay you $350 cash.

I'll pay the rest
in weekly instalments of $25 per week.

I'll even give you
my aunt's wedding ring as security.

I want to prove to you
that I am honest in the worst way.

Worst way?

Thanks. I was a fool to listen
to Mr Sousé in the first place.

In the second place too.

Paper, mister?

- How'd Gumlegs come out in the fourth?
- I don't know.

Let me see your paper.

A bonanza!

Beefsteak Mine.

Godfrey Daniel!

Oh! What are you doing? Just as
I was getting some money back!

You read this paper.
You're a millionaire!

Go away, Mr Sousé. Look at that window.

Read that paper.

Oh! I can put the money back
without waiting for my bonus.

Mr Snoopington is no longer a nightmare.
I'll kill him.

Calm yourself, Oggilby, my boy.
Calm yourself.

- Golly! Oh, Mr Sousé!
- Cut it out.

Mr Sousé, I don't need all this money.
I don't deserve it.

You engineered the whole thing.
You're a financial wizard.

- I'm gonna split with ya.
- Thank you, Og. Wait. I'll follow ya.

- Anything I can do for you?
- You sure can, brother.

Turn around and start walking
towards the cashier's cage.

Ooh! That tickles.

- You remember me, don't you?
- Ah, you remember the gentleman, Og?

Gentleman? Og?

Yes, sir.
That's the man that held me up.

Uh, mind your, uh...
mind your language, Og.

Here. Hate for you to be the fall guy,
but fill that up.

- Do what the gentleman tells you to.
- Yes, sir.

- Don't, oh, don't...
- Shut up.

- This is my Beefsteak stock.
- Fill that up.

- Do what the gentleman tells you, Og.
- Oh...

Thanks. Do you mind
accompanying me to the door?

Not at... Agh!

How-dee-do, Mrs Chiselbottom?

- Keep your foot off the alarm.
- Are you still there?

- Hello, Mr Sousé. Making more movies?
- Sousé, huh?

- Start driving.
- We're goin' for a ride.

Reach for the sky.

Oggilby, you're arousing the whole bank.
You set the alarm off.

What's the matter?

Like to see
some places of interest in town?

No, keep driving.

- There's the Black Pussy Café.
- Hey, careful!

Help! We've been robbed!

Get the police.
There's been a robbery.

- Help!
- Police!

- Hold-up!
- He took Mr Sousé.

- Right from under my contract.
- I called the police.

Follow that grey car.
Come on, come on!

Hold-up! Bank robbers, up that way.

- Don't let that car out of your sight.
- Hurry.

- These are catalpa trees.
- Step on that gas.

I'm stepping on it.

- Mr Sousé's liable to get hurt.
- And me with $10,000 for him.

- For Sousé? What for?
- For a story he told me.

I sent it in and the boss went nuts
about it. He wants it and Sousé too.

There goes the helmet.

Come back here, you.

- There's more catalpa... I'm sorry.
- Keep stepping on the gas.

You know who's in that car with Sousé?
Repulsive Rogan.

There's a $5,000
dead-or-alive reward on him.

- Stay awake!
- Be careful.

Hey!

Magic carpet.

- Wipe off that windshield, you.
- Here. You wipe it off, I'm driving.

Lake Shosho Bogomo
is over the top of this mountain.

Get out and push!

What do you think this is, a kiddy car?

Can't push a hulking truck like this.

Start pushing.

Seems to be a great deal of traffic
for a country road.

- Keep going.
- Yeah.

- Hiya, toots!
- Look out!

The resale value of this car
is gonna be nil after you get over this trip.

You're goin' too fast! Slow down.

- Foot brake's gone.
- Where's your emergency?

Here it is, but it won't do you any good
in that back seat.

Gimme that wheel.

- Here, grab it.
- Put it on there!

We're gonna have an accident
if you're not careful.

You're gonna have a real accident
in a minute!

- The wheel's comin' off!
- That's what I thought.

Gonna be very dangerous.

- I'm gonna jump.
- Huh?

Have to take the boat
from here on, anyway.

Looking for someone?

Stop by the station and see about
that $5,000 reward, Mr Sousé.

This sure is your lucky day, Mr Sousé.

Here's a cheque for $10,000
for that story you told us on location,

and a contract
to bring it to the screen.

Looks like it's all here,
including the Beefsteak Mine.

Allow me to give you
another hearty handclasp.

Judkins, has Mr Sousé
had his Café Rum a la Papa?

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you, I've had a double noggin.

What time is it, daddykins?

It's one minute till nine.

I gotta get down
to the sal... the, uh, office.

Goodbye, Daddy dear.

- Goodbye, dear.
- Give me a kiss.

- I'll give you two of 'em.
- Goodbye, pater noster.

- Goodbye, dear.
- Take care of yourself.

- I shall, dear.
- Goodbye, my darling.

Hurry home if you feel like it.
I'll be waiting up as usual.

Oh, thank you, dear. I'll be home early.

Um...

That doesn't look bad, does it?

I think, sir,
this is the more appropriate.

Yeah. That's nice and cool, though.
Thanks.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Thanks.

Thank you.

What a changed man!

- You deserve a lot of credit, Agatha.
- Hasn't been easy.

Uh, say!

Hey!