The Backlot Murders (2002) - full transcript

- Hit me, motherfucker.

Bring it on.

- Why do you always gotta be
such a dick about it, man?

- Why don't you
suck my ass, Dezzy?

- Why don't you both
shut up and just relax?

- You guys want another round?

- No thanks, I'm cool.

- Anybody got any money left?

- Not a penny.

- We're just poor
musicians here,

how about a round on the house?



- Bobby, you know
I can't do that.

- What fuckin'
good are you then?

- Bob, why don't you
be cool to the girl?

I come here all the time.

She's a fuckin' good girl.

- Alright, I'll fuck her
and I'll fuck this place.

- Don't pay any
attention to him, baby.

It's alright.

Why don't you cut
her a break, pal?

- Why such a dick, Bobby?

- Hey guys, they ain't gonna
be like this that much longer.

- Oh really?

When are we gonna start gettin'
paid to play for a change?

- Actually it's
somethin' a lot bigger



than us gettin' paid to
play in dumps like this.

Old Dez just got a
little ace up his sleeve.

- These guys are really
givin' me a hard time.

They don't even tip.

Now they don't even
wanna pay their bill.

- Hey Annie, I heard those guys

are gettin' a big record deal,

so you might just
wanna play it cool.

- What does that mean,
I gotta buy them drinks?

What, the big rockstars don't
wanna pay their tabs anymore?

- Ma, I was just thinkin'
it'd be good for business

if they made it big
and hung out here.

- You know the best
thing for business?

It would be if they
got the hell outta here

and never came back.

- I'm talkin' about
my girlfriend, Janey.

- Yeah?
- Janey Colfax.

- So fucking what?

- Janey Colfax,

ain't that Martin
Colfax's daughter?

- That's right, Frankie boy.

- Wait a second, your
girlfriend's father

is the president
of Paragon Records?

That is sweet!

- We are about to sign
a major record deal.

- Hold on.

Time out, hold on.

You're bangin'
this chick and now

she's gonna get her old
man to give us a deal?

- That's very good, Einstein.

- You tellin' me your
shit is that good?

I don't think so.

- Watch Ma, I'm ready
to go kick some butt.

- You go, Ma.

- Ah shit, here comes Ma Baker.

- Oh, so you're afraid
of that old bitch.

Man, you are a pussy.

- Hey Bobby, be cool.

- I hear the big rockstars

don't wanna pay
their tab anymore.

- Well
baby, pretty soon

you're gonna be
payin' us to play here

'cause we're 'bout
to hit the big time.

- In the meantime, loser.

Why don't you cough up
the money for the bill?

Oh and by the way,
what's this I hear about

you harassin' one of my girls?

- Don't hit him.
- - don't hit him.

- What do you want
us to do, baby?

You want us to pay for
the damages to the bitch?

- Alright, that's it.

That tears it, you guys
are outta here right now.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon.

C'mon, out!
- Let's go.

- Get outta here.
- Bobby, c'mon.

- All of ya.

C'mon, move it.

Get out.
- Let's go.

- Move it.
- Alright, we're out.

Like that one, mate;
Bobby, let's go.

- What word didn't
you understand?

- You fuckin' hit me.
- C'mon, man.

- I want you outta my place now!

- Bobby c'mon, let's go.

- Do you know how
much money we spent

in your little shithole here?

- Let's go.
- I don't give a rat's ass.

I want your ass
outta here right now.

- Give a rat's ass?!
- Yeah, now.

- Bitch!

- What are you, fuckin' psycho?

- Fuckin' touch me.
- Yeah, I'm a fuckin' psycho!

I'm a fuckin' psycho!
- C'mon, get outta here!

- I'm a fuckin' psycho!

Get off me, man!

Get the fuck off me!

Fuckin' bitch!
- Get outta here!

- What the fuck?

Are you fuckin' psycho?

- You're just a bunch
of bitches, man.

- Fuckin' mind?

- Guys, back off.

- Look Bobby, I want you
to listen to me very close.

We are so sick of your
strung-out bullshit.

The truth is we don't
need you or your songs.

Guess what, my
friend; you are fired.

- That's Wang Chung.

This is Fung Shui.
- Oh really?

- Yes, it's an
ancient Chinese art.

It's like architectural
digest from the Ming dynasty.

I found a digital Fung Shui guy.

- Digital?
- Yes.

- Why digital?
- To help me with my website.

- Aah.
- His name is Dando.

- Dando?
- Uh-huh.

- Does he
have a last name?

- I always love one-name people.

Cher, Liza, Bono.

- As in Sonny?
- Not Sonny Bono.

Bono from U2.

- You mean Bono from U2.
- What?

- Yeah, it's Bono.
- That's ridiculous.

- Listen Henry,
about the website.

- Look, I've gotta go.
- Okay, call me later.

- Okay, I'll talk to you later.

- I got the shoot
ideas from Stephanie.

- Oh, great.

I think I have to
shoot Stephanie

before I get an idea out of her.

- I know you're not
gonna believe this,

but I think they're really good.

- It's colorful.

But pretty good
isn't good enough

for a Henry Martin video, is it?

- No, look further.

Actually the third page I think,

it has a list of the 10 weapons

that the murderers
are gonna use.

I think it's really original.

- This is original?
- Yeah.

- This doesn't work.

- Oh, come on.

Henry, it's a great idea.

- It's a horrible idea.

- Listen, we'll put it on
digital video and bring in fog.

- I hate fog and
you know I hate fog.

I don't wanna work
with fog again.

- You gotta get over
your whole fog thing.

- It's not a fog thing.

I am not fog phobic.

- Okay, I'll bring
Wendy.

- Ooh, that'll do it!

Wendy's coming in, hold on.

Hello?

Wendy's coming in.

Yes, everything will be fine!

The war's over.
- Stop it!

- Wendy's gonna do the fog.
- Stop it, Henry.

Come on, she's really
good at this stuff.

- Just bring me Wendy.

Let's do this
thing, shoot my fog

and get me the fog out of here.

We're gonna lose the
light in the bass drum.

I've seen that a thousand times.

I don't want that.

Where are the grips
with my fog machine?

- I'll have the PA
check on it, Henry.

You guys, where's the foggers?

- They're
checking on it now.

- How much longer before
the band is ready?

- They're just about ready.

So you psyched?

- Yes, I'm just totally psyched.

I just love this band
and I especially love

their bitch manager, Stephanie.

God, d'you know what's funny?

She actually thinks she can
make money on these losers.

- No Henry, that's not
what I'm talkin' about.

I'm talkin' about this location.

Aren't you excited
to be shootin'

on the set of The Lost World?

- No, not really.
- Come on.

Steven Spielberg
shot right here.

Come on, aren't you in
the least bit of awe?

- I love Spielberg,
but being where he was

is not going to help me
get where I wanna be.

Arlene, I know I don't
look it but I'm almost 50.

I still haven't directed
my first feature.

- Don't be so hard
on yourself, Henry.

25 Movies of the Week
and 50 rock videos.

That's nothing to
be ashamed about.

- Yes, it is.

- Did you know that Janey's
too stuck up to be in a video?

- That's just because the
camera isn't only on her.

- Is that her dad?

- Yeah, Martin Colfax,
President of the record label.

- Band's looking great, Janey.

- Told you so, daddy.

I know they're gonna make it.

- The set looks
pretty fantastic too.

You recognize that?

It's from The Lost World.

- Isn't the
one with the T Rex?

- Yeah,
that's the one.

I pulled quite a few strings

so your boyfriend could
do his video here.

- I love you, daddy.

I'll never forget this night.

Thanks for helping my wild
days to be really fun.

- Well one of our label's
rappers has a saying.

Stay strong.

I like that, it's good advice.

- We probably shouldn't
dis his daughter.

- At least not to her face.

- And until the shoot is over.

- No, I want a blue light.

I wanna light the boy's crotch

and I want a blue light!

This crew is from Hell.

Speaking of Hell, here comes
Ms. Biz Niz, Queen Bitch,

hello darling.

How are you?

Isn't this fabulous?

- Henry?

I thought we talked about
doing something edgy?

- Hello, edgy?

We're shooting a rock band
on The Lost World set.

If it had any more edge,
I could shave with it.

- Henry, nobody gives a crap

about the set of The
Lost World, okay?

We have to be cutting edge
for home video, the internet,

so the kids will
think we're cool.

- Cool is fine.

Have you considered
having them write

good songs because this is crap.

- No can do Henry;

you see, because we had
to fire our song writer

because he got a little.

Unfortunately he
had all the talent.

Besides, this is
a hard rock band.

They don't need talent, Henry;

they just need tight pants.

- Tight pants is fine with me.

I'm already lit for it, Stephie.

- Hey, would you
quit calling that?

I fucking hate when
you call me that!

Do I look like a Stephie to you?

- There's no Stephie here.
- Hello, not you.

- I'm sorry, Stephanie.

But if these boys suck and
I mean that figuratively,

how the hell are you gonna
make me money from them?

Henry.

I can't talk now.

Call me in an hour.

- I'll be happy to tell you

the minute you get
off the phone, Henry.

- Say hi to Zigfried, bye.

- Take your time, babe.

- Oh, you can talk on
the phone and I can't?

- Don't push me, Henry.

See our lead singer, Dez?

Well he is screwing the daughter

of the President of
the record company.

He's putting some money
behind these guys.

The way I figure it,

there's at least one pay day,

if the video is controversial.

All we need is one good stunt
that gets us on the news

and that gets us
on all the shows.

- Oh.
- Then maybe I'll buy a bar

on some beach in Thailand
and suck the local hire.

Jealous?

- How can you like such a
disgusting thing, Stephanie?

- Get out of my trailer!

Go hit on somebody
else, asshole.

- Yeah, yeah, I'll
see you later.

- Big smoker, huh?

- Close.

Never smoked before in my life.

- Clearly.

- So you're the AD, right?

- Right.

- What do you think of my band?

- I don't, I'm just doing a job.

- That must suck
having to do shit

that you don't get excited by.

That's why I'm a rocker.

Every day is different.

- You mean every day
is a different girl.

Actually rockstar,
my job's pretty cool.

I work with professionals.

I'm on different
locations all the time

and unlike you, I don't have
to answer to some bitch.

- Stephanie can
be something else.

What about the hours,
don't they suck?

- Yeah the hours suck sometimes

like when you're working
on some stupid commercial

that's on and off the air
before you can say boo.

- So really what you're saying

is getting this gig's kinda cool

because you're here
making history, right?

- I hope you're as
cocky in front of camera

as you are right here.

- I can be cocky in a whole
variety of places and positions.

- Funny.

Pretty cute too.

Yeah, the camera's gonna
have no problem shootin' you.

- Do you have to smoke those
disgusting clove cigarettes?

They are asphyxiating me.

How in the name of God can you
actually say you like them?

- I don't like them, Henry.

I've got 500 cartons
in Dez's garage.

The band got them in lieu of
payment for their last gig.

- That's effective
negotiating, Stephanie.

Maybe I'll have you
do my next deal.

And speaking of deals,

two of the strippers that we've
booked have major problems;

so what I think I'm going to do

is ask one of our girls
if she'll do the nude bit.

- You think there'll
be a problem with that?

- Well I don't know, I
haven't asked her yet.

- You know Henry, the
day after God created LA,

he created the first
girl who will do anything

to be a star, alright?

There's probably
millions per area code.

So if the girl won't hook us up,

fire her ass, pull an
extra from the crowd.

I guarantee she'll do it.

- Frank, put that
to the left please.

- Kinda dig me, don't you?

- You're pretty
easy on the eyes.

- Is that all?

- Dude, remember
what I said about

enjoying working
with professionals?

- Yeah.

- Yeah well, what's
going on right here,

very unprofessional;
we're working.

- Well maybe later.

I hang out at this place
called Ma Baker's Pub.

- Yeah, I know the place.

Yeah, maybe I'll see you
round there sometime.

- Maybe?

I will definitely see
you there tonight.

- Alright alright, well you
just keep that up all night

especially when you're
in front of the camera.

- Baby, don't you worry, I
can keep it up all night long.

- Henry?

- Yes, Arlene;
did you meet Dez?

- You were right.

The dork totally hit on me.

- And did you do it?

- Yeah yeah, I fluffed him.

- Really?

- I swear.
- Good.

- Yeah, his
confidence is way up.

His head's so big, I don't
how he's gonna get it

into his trailer.

- Okay, well
stay on top of it.

- I will.
- Good.

- Yeah but you know what,
if I have to kiss him again,

I swear to God I'm gonna puke.

- Pray tell why is that?

- Yeah, those clove
cigarettes are disgusting.

- Come in.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Henry Martin.
- I'm Wendy.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- So they tell me
that you do fog.

- Yes.

- Excellent because I'm
very picky about my fog.

I hate phony fog.

Okay, here's the scene.

We're shooting in front
of the Psycho house.

You know the Psycho house?

- Oh, of course.

- It's the ultimate
macabre mansion.

I want a very special fog.

I do not want a Whitesnake,
Poison, Billy Squier video fog.

I want a 1940s black
and white Peter Lorre

Boris Karloff fog.

I want a thick,
tense serpentine fog

that creeps along the ground

like a cat moving in
across a cemetery.

I want a fog that seems like
it's coming from Satan's ass.

Can you give me that?

- Absolutely.

- Okay, great, I feel better.

Thank you, Wendy.

Great.
- Great.

- Okay, thank you.

I hate fog.

I hate fog.

Who do I have to fuck
to get off this picture?

- We got our work cut
out for us tonight.

I hate working
these rock videos.

They're always rushing
you and everything.

- You're always
bitching and everything.

Anything you do
like about this job?

- Yeah, I like all
them PAs around

like they my personal slaves.

I like putting dents
in producers cars.

I like taking breaks now,
so like going to the store

when I get ready--

- Alright, alright,
alright, alright.

I got it, okay?

- Wendy, this place
looks creepy, doesn't it?

- Yeah, it is.

It's gonna look even creepier

when we get the fog rolling in.

- You did remember
to bring the fluid

for the fog machine this time?

- Yes I did remember
to bring the fluid

for the fog machine this time.

- Yeah!

- Am I ever gonna
live that down?

- No.
- Jesus.

Look, we got a lotta time
before they use this set,

so I'm gonna go to
the catering truck.

Dare I ask, do
you want anything?

- Well, now that you mention it,

I'll have one of those apple
fritters over at Craft Services

and how about a chocolate milk?

- There's like 50 grams
of fat in that crap.

- Make the chocolate
milk low fat.

Shit.

Wendy, make that two chocolate
milks and two apple fritters.

- Okay.

- And Wendy.
- Yes?

- Get yourself something too.

- Right.

A carrot stick, celery.

- Whatever.

I guess it's gonna be
scarier with fog around here.

Ain't this a bitch.

This piece of shit
don't even work.

Wendy?

Wendy!

Come on guys, this ain't funny.

Come on now.

This ain't funny now.

Come on guys, I
see you out there.

Hey, I see you.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, daddy.

- Looks like you and Dez

are getting pretty
serious there, huh?

- I really like him, Daddy.

Means a lot to me that
you're helping out the band.

- I just don't wanna
see you get hurt, honey.

You know how these rock
and rollers can be.

- He's not like that, daddy.

He really thinks I'm special.

- So what do you think of
the sets on this back lot?

Some of the scariest movies
ever done were shot right here?

Did you ever see The
Hunchback of Notre Dame

or Frankenstein?

- You know I don't
like horror movies.

They're dumb.

- What about Psycho?

The original set for that
movie's right here on this lot.

You must have seen that one?

- Oh yeah, I saw
that movie, daddy.

It had Ann Heche in it, right?

- Hey, Mike.

Where are you?

Mike?

I got your apple fritters.

They're so greasy,
they weigh a ton.

Okay Mike, I'm leavin'.

Mike?

Is that you?

Mike?

- When I was growin' up,

some of these old
classic horror movies

were considered some of the
scariest movies of their day.

A classic horror,
it's the settings,

the story and the characters
that make a movie immortal.

That's what makes
them really scary.

Nowadays these splatter movies

are nothing but gory
special effects.

- Mike?

Mike?

* I don't mind
jumpin' on her cycle *

* But she don't like
pushin' it to the red *

* Offered to get
up into the tub *

* But my girl only
likes it on the bed *

* I go through this
every 28 days *

* C'mon baby

- Cut!

They move like monkeys.

Dez, will you come
down here please?

- Move those cables
away from everybody.

Speed over on the
left side please.

- Well honey I'd really like
to stay and watch your boy,

but I better go
and lock things up,

get everything secure
before I take off.

- Alright, thanks daddy for
everything that you've done.

Thanks a lot.

- You're welcome, honey.

You have fun.

- Girls, get on set please.

- Hey, where's the other girl?

- Gina, please get on the set.

- Not bad.

- Watch it, Dez.

We don't want daddy's
little girl gettin' angry.

- Now I'm a rockstar, I can't
even check out other chicks?

- Come on rockstar, you're up.

Okay you guys,
think pimply kids.

Think air guitar
when you had pimples.

Four, three, two,
one and playback.

- Cut!

Off with the pimples
and air guitars.

Henry?

Henry, this girl is whacked.

You need to fire
her ass right now.

- Fire her?

Why, because she's
doin' her job?

- Her job is screwin'
up the band right now.

I want her outta here.

- You have no right to fire her.

- Henry, I know you're
not fucking her.

- You don't know who
or what I'm fucking

and you are not firing her.

- Oh really?!
- Yes.

- Watch me.

- Okay fine.

If she goes, I go.

- Don't threaten me.
- I'm doing it.

- No Henry, no.

I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

You stay here and
finish your job.

Honestly, I'm glad to get
away from this freaky bitch.

Yeah, I'll call
you in the morning.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

- I feel terrible.
- No, don't worry about it.

- You'll call me in the morning?

- Yeah.

- Have a nice day.
- Oh, yeah.

- I'll call you.

- Okay, let's get going.

Time is money.

And playback.

* I don't mind

- Cut it!

I have a lot of notes
and very little time.

Let's start with you, guitar.

First of all, lose
the cigarette.

You're not Keith Richards.

Secondly, don't
look at the guitar.

You should know
the notes by now.

The guitar is not going to
buy you records, they are.

Look at them, play the
camera and you must move.

You're not a statue.

Give me the guitar.

It is choreography, darling.

It's quite simple.

Excuse me.

Strum up, back, over.

Kick, make the face, back.

Strum again, back,
kick, make the face.

It's not complicated.

Try and do it.

Bass man, same basic moves.

Let me ask you a question, do
you have a spring in your ass?

'Cause you move like a
constipated hobby horse

and you must move your hand.

It is not a fucking
paralyzed hand.

Singer boy, stand up.

Were you making soup?

Because I really never
seen this move before.

You're not a cook,
you're a rocker.

You must work the fucking
mic and the mic stand.

The Indian bands,
the Village People,

have done that to death.

- Stephanie?
- Hey.

- I think this video's
turning out really cheesy.

- Oh yeah?

You think this is
bad, wait 'til you see

what we're gonna do next.

- What's that?

- Jay
Burnheim's office.

- Jay Burnheim please.

Stephanie calling.
- Please hold.

- Trust me, you'll love it.

- Lemme ask you somethin'.

I know that the guys in the
band are all really cute,

but do they have talent too?

- You wanna know if
they have talent?

That's a matter of opinion.

- What's my father say?

- Your father says, "Do
they have mass appeal?"

- Well, do they?

- Yeah.

I was a lot more confident

when it was Bobby
writing the songs.

- How is Bobby?

Is he playing in another band?

- I don't know, I haven't
seen him since they fired him.

- Didn't you keep
in contact with him?

I thought you guys
went out for a while.

- What is this, question day?

I just told you I haven't
seen him since they fired him.

I heard he was in the hospital.

- Hello?
- Yes Jay, Stephanie.

- How're you doin'?
- Hi babe, how you doin'?

- That's good,
can I put you on hold?

- No, I'm aging I've
been holding so long.

Fuck!

What was I saying?

- Bobby?
- Oh right, yeah.

I did hear, but somebody saw
him in a junkyard in Emmett.

- My cousin once wrote an
article on junkyard treasures.

Some guy found a World
War II Japanese sword

and sold it on the
internet for $5,000.

- Come on.

I want you to remember that
you are screwing these boys

in the real world, okay?

Or maybe that's the problem.

- I'm not screwing
any of these clowns.

- Okay fine, then
you have no excuse.

Your job in this scene is to
make these boys tumescent.

You know what tumescent means?
- No.

- Swollen, hard,
stiff, cockus erectus.

You must excite them.

You're moving like
you're on tranquilizers.

You have assets.

Use your ass and your
sets and work it okay?

Work it.

And you, lose the swim.

Let's go.

- I think it's gettin' better.

- Better is not great
and I need great.

The drummer keeps
playing out of sync

and the bass player, he looks
like he's in an ABBA video.

- Henry?
- We've gotta go again.

- There's stuff that we can use.

We gotta move on.

You're not makin' a star here.

- Okay, we'll move on.

But first, give me
one closeup of Dez.

- Face or crotch?

- We're here, we're here.

Here and we're here.

- I'm outta here.

Be in my trailer.

- Nancy,
gimme a hand here.

- Dez, is that you?

Dez?

Hey pal, this is a closed set.

What are you doin' here?

What is this, some kinda joke?

Didn't you hear me?

What are you doin' here?

- Man, I can't believe it.

They took another break.

It's gonna be forever before
they start filming again.

- There's so much sitting
around on these movie sets.

It's like hurry up and wait.

- I know.

That's why I don't think

I could ever be an
actor, like a movie star.

I'm more of like.

I'm like , I need
like instant gratification.

You know what?

We have the time.

What do you say you and me

take a little walk
around the backlot?

Let's check out some
of those cool sets.

- Where, out there?

I don't know, it's kinda creepy.

- Come on, I heard that the
son of the Zodiac Killer

is a tour guide right here.

- Shut up.

- Besides, I have something
I wanna give to you.

- Like I haven't
seen that before.

- No baby, I'm talkin'
about something x-otic.

- I love what you're
doin' with your hair.

Are you ready for
your big moment?

- Excuse me, you know this
isn't my first gig, right?

- Of course it's
not your first gig.

Listen honey, I have a
really huge favor to ask you.

The girl who was supposed
to take it all off,

she sat on a curling iron
and she burned her ass.

There's this huge mark there
that makeup can't cover.

The other girl who was
supposed to take it all off,

she didn't tell us
she was pregnant

and she has these stretch
marks that are everywhere.

I was hoping that you would--

- No one said
anything about nudity.

Besides, I get double
to show my chest.

- Just because you
have two of them,

doesn't mean you get double.

Listen, Jeannie.

- No, it's Gina.

- Sorry, Gina.

Do you wanna work in Hollywood

or do you just wanna be
around people that do?

- You're saying I
should be honored

to take my clothes
off in front of you?

- I didn't say that at all.

Did I say that?

I didn't say that.

Look, you have no
reason to be ashamed.

If I had tits like that,
I wouldn't be shy at all.

- Well sweetie, I
could recommend you

a good plastic surgeon.

- That's more than okay.

I'm very happy with
my present gender.

I think Frank-n-Beans is more
suitable to my personality.

Pumpkin and I are gonna
go and get some water.

- Okay.

- Cut it!

- Come on.

- What the hell
is going on here?

This is offensive.

- Not to teenage boys, it ain't.

- What'd you think, Janey?

Did you like it?

- Like what, that
you let this girl

rub herself all over you?

- Aw come on, baby.

That's not what it looks like.

I was just gettin'
into character.

- As what, a jerk?

And stop looking at that.

- Hey look, bitch.

I'm not a that.

My name is Gina.

Didn't they teach you any
manners in rich girl school?

- Excuse me, do I know you?

- Must've been tough growing up

when your daddy
owns a record label.

Did you have any real friends

or were they all just
trying to be famous?

- Sorry, I don't make my
living getting naked in public.

Hey if I take off my clothes,
will I be cool like you?

- Maybe.

- Tits are good, tits are good.

Henry like I'm always tellin'
you, we need more tits.

Tits sell.

- You're a
disgrace to the sisterhood.

- Janey, in this
business, tits mean money

and money means power.

Any female power, regardless
of where it comes from,

is great for the sisterhood.

- You're twisted.

- She's worse than
that, girlfriend.

- You're right,
she's totally spun.

- Okay girls, the
bitchfest is over.

- Thank you.

- Now we have to set up
for the big payoff scene.

- What's that?

- This is my idea.

We've got you running
through the woods

carrying a bloody ax
as a psycho killer

chasing the rest of the band.

- I don't like that.

It's sick.

- Henry, consider her
our test audience.

- She just told you that

she finds the idea
absolutely revolting.

- Then it's perfect.

- Yeah, it's perfectly
revolting and it's stupid.

That's not Dez's image.

He's supposed to be
cool, not Norman Bates.

- Janey, I manage this band
and I thought we agreed that

after we fired Bobby,
you would butt out.

Speaking of butts, Gina.

Don't worry, no
pubes just your butt.

- So I have to be
completely naked for this?

- Don't worry about
your cellulite, darling.

I'll be using a very soft lens.

Trust me, I've made
pigs look kosher.

There's a little time left.

Why don't you get
something to eat?

By the time you've purged,
we'll be ready to shoot.

- I knew I shouldn't
have taken this job.

- What, this band's not
good enough for you?

- You was fine a couple
minutes ago, baby.

- You know what?

I don't need to take
this shit anymore.

- Alright, that's it!

I'm not taking
this shit anymore!

I am in charge here and
you're goin' to do what I say.

Now get your little
pretty asses back up

on the stage and do
it now or next week

you're gonna be flippin'
burgers at Ox-ar!

Move it!

- Yes, sir.

- Henry, pitter patter.

That was great;
you were blazin'.

I didn't know you had it in you.

- I can be quite
butch when I have to.

- How 'bout the little
surprise you promised me?

- Is that the only
reason you came out here?

- Oh c'mon baby, don't
hold out on me now.

- You know what?

You would've been great
with that Bobby guy.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Because all you wanna do
is get high all the time.

- Oh, so you think
I'd be good at psycho?

- No, baby.

C'mon listen, let's drop this

before we go somewhere
that we don't want it to.

Besides, I have
something for you.

- Ooh, I like this game.

Is this something I'm gonna
wanna put in my mouth?

- Check it out.
- Oh wow.

Hey this isn't that stuff with
the rocket ship on it, is it?

I read on the internet
that this stuff

was putting kids
in the hospital.

- No, baby.

This stuff is the bomb.

My cousin makes
this out in Perdue.

What are you doing?

- You don't see any water
around here, do you?

We'll just have to wash
it down with some spit.

- It's bitter, like
the kiss of death.

- Isn't that a line
from one of your songs?

- Yeah, that dude
Bobby wrote it.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to bring him up again.

- Hey, I don't care.

That dude's past history.

He was fired and that's that.

Besides, I heard that
dude was nothing but

a druggie scumbag anyway.

He got what he deserved.

- You're not worried
about him at all?

- No, why should I be
worried about that dude?

- Yeah, why should you
be worried about him?

Just because he's on angel
dust and he's a total psycho.

- He doesn't even know me.

- No, you're just the
guy that replaced him

and went on to
get a record deal.

- Hey, I play bass too.

If that dude did come
back and he kills us guys,

check me out.

I'll just switch instruments.

Yeah.

- What good's a dead band?

- Depends on how you die, right?

Check it out, let's
say Bobby did come back

and he kills Frankie and Dez.

Think about it,
the publicity alone

would sell millions of records.

- Oh, like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Got killed in the plane crash.

No one would known who they
were without that happening.

- No way, baby.

Free bird!

- Woo.
- Woo!

- What if we get lost?

- I'm not worried
about that, babe.

I'm more concerned
with the ghost

that they say haunts
this place.

- Shut up.

What is this place anyway?

- I don't know, it's
some kinda weird

abandoned ghost
town or something.

- Ti's creepy.
- I think it's a trip.

Come on, follow me.

- Who is it?

- The person that
signs your checks!

I need you!

- Fine.

Stay there, I'm coming out.

Pumpkin had a accident.

- These guys are so pathetic.

- Please, I've worked with
everyone in this business.

This is absolutely the
most unprofessional group

that I ever dealt with.

- Now you can imagine
what I been going through.

- I don't have to imagine.

It's real, it's a nightmare.

- A nightmare.

Did you find Sal?

- What, Sal didn't tell
you where he was goin'?

- They probably went off

to have a little
party of their own.

- Why don't you two
get in the golf cart

and go and find them?

It's okay.

- Woohoo!

Woo!
- Woo!

- Baby, this place is awesome!

Look at this place.

You know what?

I think I've seen it
in a movie before.

- Let's go check out
some of the sets.

- Let's check out
everything in here.

Oh my god, is
this the set from ER?

- Cool.
- Woohoo!

Man, this place is awesome.

- Hey Sal, look.

It's blood.

- That's weird.

No seriously, this stuff
looks like real blood.

What was that?

- Maybe it's
the X kickin' in.

- No baby, I'm serious.

There's something wrong.

- This can't be real.

Sal?

Sal?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- It was really bright
of your friend Sal

to take off like that.

- Nobody ever actually
accused Sal of bein' a genius.

- Maybe I oughta fire him too.

- It's not that funny, alright?

- Chill out.

- No, I'm really gettin'
tired of the whole

wicked bitch of
the west routine.

- Well I'm getting
a little tired

of the whiner from Oz routine.

Besides, you can be so replaced.

- No, you're the one
who can be replaced.

- No, you can be replaced!

Besides, I'm all you got left.

- You must be forgetting about
our little friend, Janey.

Because we still have her, dude.

- You're such a dick.

- Maybe you should chill out.

You've worked too hard to have
it all killed in one night.

- Okay.

- Okay?

- Now let's go find
this idiot, Sal.

- Gotcha!

- You're funny.

- I think I scared
the hell outta you.

- Nah I don't scare
that easy, baby.

- No?

Tough guy.

What's next, what are we doin'?

- I was thinkin'
we could rehearse.

- Yeah?
- Maybe work on that part

of the scene where
you get naked.

- You know
I don't get naked.

- C'mon baby, you
know the drill.

What, do you think
you got this part

'cause you're a great actor?

- What the hell are
you talkin' about?

- Ya ever hear the
old expression,

"Ass, gas or grass.

"Nobody rids for free?"

- Alright, listen here.

You're not exactly a
rockstar, so chill out.

- I'm sorry, that's
exactly what I am.

I am a rockstar.

By the way, you gotta get
naked for this video anyway.

Why don't you start
practicing right here?

That'd be good.

- No, I don't.

This job sucks anyway.

I fucking quit, rockstar.

- The fuck you talkin' about?

I'm a rockstar and you
just can't handle it.

That's your problem.

- Whatever.

- Sal?

Sal?

C'mon Sal, stop fooling around.

This isn't funny!

Alright, I'm leaving.

You are totally blowing it.

Goddammit, I hate you!

- Aw baby, come on.

Hey.

Baby,

come on, I'm just
playin' around.

It's like I just
feel good tonight.

I feel like something
good's gonna happen.

- I think it's the
ecstasy you're feeling.

- No baby, it's you.

I'm not even high yet.

- Don't you think we
should be getting back?

- Don't worry about that.

They're not even gonna
get started for a while.

What do you say we
go to The Lost World?

I know you like big things.

You wanna go see the dinosaurs?

- They have dinosaurs there?

- Ooh yeah, in fact I
heard they have a new one.

It's a one-eyed bronto.

Let's go.

- Where have you been?

- I just went out
for a little walk.

- With that actress?

- You don't have to be
jealous, I got rid of her.

- What?

- We didn't need her anymore.

- But we're not even finished.

- Oh yeah, it's too late now.

We'll just have to
work around that.

- Babe, these guys
have been working on

getting a record deal for years.

Do you know how lucky we are?

We like cruise right in.

We get to enjoy all the fruits.

Do you know how huge that is?

- Don't get on your
high horse too soon.

You haven't sold
any records yet.

- We totally will, baby.

- Sal, if we conceived
a baby right now,

would it be high on X forever?

- Oh baby, come on.

Please baby, don't
make me say it.

- Let's check the rest
of this place out.

- Lead the way.

- When we finish this
ridiculous shoot,

we can go to the
park and you can meet

that little doggie
that you played with.

Pumpkin, if you were a human
being, we would live together.

But you're a dog
and we still do.

What do you see?

Nothing's there.

Are you tired?

I am so tired of
this shoot thing.

It's such a beautiful night.

- Have you thought at all
about what you're gonna do

if this band doesn't make it?

- I'm not
worried about that, babe.

Your daddy can make it
happen for us in a second.

- I'm not so sure about that.

- What do you mean?

- I was asking him
about that and he says,

"Maybe I should
see how you guys do

"without all the extra help."

Everybody needs help.

This old business
is run on grease.

- Yeah, but he says that if
the only way you can make it

is because I'm your girlfriend,

then you probably don't
have what it takes

to be successful without me.

- Wait a minute Janey, did
your daddy say that to you

or did you say that to him?

- Doesn't matter.

Your CD sucks.

No one's gonna buy it
regardless of who you're dating.

- Whoa, you're
sayin' our CD sucks?!

- No I think it's
great, but I know you.

- Do you, Janey?

- If I didn't know better,

I'd say you're tryin' to start
a fight here or something.

- Now you're accusing
me of bein' a liar?

- What are you talking about?

- I just don't know what's
gotten into you lately, Janey,

or who.

- That has to be
the stupidest thing

I have ever heard you say.

- This could go on all night.

- Yeah, especially if you
keep twisting all my words.

- I'm sorry, Janey.

I just don't wanna be the sucker

in this relationship for
bein' faithful to you.

- Do you mean that?

- Yeah.

- I really wanna believe
that you're not like

the rest of the
guys in the band.

- That's for sure, babe.

I'm a one-woman guy.

- Where the hell are they?

- You think they could
be more responsible.

- No, you don't know Sal.

He's about as mature
as a five year old kid.

- Doesn't it bother
you to have to depend

on someone like that
for your career?

- No baby, all
rockers are the same.

They're all immature,
they're insane.

They're irresponsible,
they're bastards.

That's including me, baby.

- Yeah, but they sure look good.

- Yeah, you do too.

Alright, let's go searching.

C'mon.

- Here you go, nonfat hazelnut.

- Thanks, triple shot?

- Yes.

You could go all night
on the espresso I make.

- Thanks, I'm really
gonna need it tonight.

- Hey I was wondering,
maybe you'd be interested

in looking at some photos
of me back at my place.

I'm an actress.

- Really?

You're an actress
in Los Angeles?

How unusual.

- Yeah.

I would do just about anything
to be in your next picture.

- Dear me.

Have you at all noticed that
I'm carrying a tiny dog,

I'm much sassier than you are
and I'm wearing Scoundrel?

- I thought that
you might be kinky.

- You have a great face.

You ever consider doing porn?

I think they pay like
3K a day, four for anal.

- How do I break in?

- Get yourself a little
thong, a skimpy top,

and stand on any corner in
Chatsworth munchin' a corn dog.

You'll break in.

- Thanks.

- Don't be jealous, Pumpkin.

Hers are bigger than yours,
but you have more of them.

- Props to the set please.

Props, come in.

- Ooh yeah.

Oh yeah, baby.

Look at this.

Young.

Oh yes.

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, that's it, c'mon.

- Let me guess,
either too much tofu

or your boyfriend's
being an asshole again.

- I'm just tryin' to figure
out if he's really sincere

or if he's just using
me because of my father.

- Those kinds of motivations

aren't necessarily
mutually exclusive.

I've done many opportunists
that were extremely genuine.

Here's the deal, darling.

Life is very complicated.

Don't sweat the details and
learn to trust your emotions.

- Yeah, but sometimes I
get blinded by my emotions

and the people I love
take advantage of me.

- That's perfectly normal.

When it comes to
romance, love is blind

and the guide dog needs glasses.

- Props
to set please.

Anybody know where props is?

Anybody seen Fred around.

- I'm tired of looking
for those guys.

- Hey, wait a minute.

What do you say we check
this set out real quick?

- We gotta get back.

- Nah, we ain't
gotta do nothin'.

- What do you mean?

- I say we make
a little history.

- That'll be a story we could
tell the rest of our lives.

- That's right.

This is the set of one of the
coolest flicks of all time.

Say we do it right
here?

Baby, you look so good.

- At least we know no
one will bother us.

- That's right.

- Wait, I'm
not finished yet.

- That's alright, I'll
finish you up in a second.

- There's three phases
to romantic love.

You're in the first phase now.

That deals with lust,
infatuation and desire.

- Sounds familiar.

- The second phase is nasty

and that lust turns
to obligation.

Infatuation changes
to indifference

and desire fades to black.

- Oh god, that
sounds even worse.

- It is; that's
where you end up.

But the third stage is the best.

That's when you get the wisdom

to realize that ultimately
you're all alone.

Of course you have
lovers and friends,

but you don't have
your happiness rely
on their existence.

It's not a matter
of life and death.

- Unless you're in love
with Michael Myers.

- Michael Myers.

I always thought that his
rubber mask was a cop-out.

I much favored Mr.
Freddy Krueger.

Now that man had style and
an amazing fashion sense.

I loved his nails.

- Well he does have
a lot of personality.

- Exactly.

If you're gonna be going
out with a psycho rocker,

make sure that he has
lots of personality.

- Too late for that now.

- Hey listen, we
searched Hunchback.

We searched Psycho lot.

We searched everywhere.

We can't find anything, nothin'.

- Someone's gonna have to find

the grips and your lead singer.

- This is weird.

Something strange
is going on here.

- This is why I don't
like to do rock videos.

- I know, musicians.

They're always
such prima donnas.

- Thank you.

- Hey, do me a favor please.

Get back in the golf cart,

go out there, try
and find something.

I need a camera.

I need my lighting rig, the
grips, the band, anything.

I can't shoot this
thing without them.

- I need a million dollars.

- Listen, call Regis or
learn how to play guitar.

Just go, please?
- Okay, okay.

- What a good little rocker.

I like his hair all spiky.

- Baby, this is like a trip.

We're like in the middle
of a movie together.

- Sal, that's the X kicking in.

- Ooh, baby.

You're like amazing.

Awesome.

Oh yeah, keep doin' that baby.

Yeah.

Baby, there's
somebody behind you.

- I don't see anything.

- What the fuck?

What the fuck is goin' on here?!

- Sal, calm down.

You're high!

- What the fuck is going on?!

Oh my god, there was
fuckin' somebody behind you.

- Sal, there's nobody there!

Sal, you're high, come back.

- Sorry dude, now
everybody's missin'.

I can't find Stephanie,
the band or the chicks.

- That's just fucking great.

You bozos get the
opportunity of a lifetime

and you can't get
your act together.

Okay, get me Gina and
we'll do her scene next.

- She's gone.

- Oh that's great!
- I thought you went off

to the back lot with
her to rehearse.

- Hey yo, that bitch
was hittin' on me.

I let her know I
wasn't interested.

- Who the hell cares about that?

The point is I have
a scene to shoot

and I don't have my actress.

I need her here now.

- No you don't, Henry.

I'll do the scene.

- Oh, you'll do the scene.

That's interesting, isn't it?

- I might as well get
something out of this night.

Besides, I'm sure that Dez

would rather have me
in his video anyway.

Isn't that right, Dez?

- Well,

yeah!

- But I'm not getting naked.

- Actually it may
be a far better idea

if we had singer boy
here be the naked one.

- What?!

- Hey, that's cool.

I could do the Red Hot
Chili Peppers' thing.

- Chili pepper thing?

Ooh, that sounds painful.

- No dude the band, the
Red Hot Chili Peppers.

They used to gig live
wearin' nothin' but a sock

to cover the package.

- I think that swinging dick
would be a much better dynamic.

It captures the
intrinsic duality

of the entire milieu.

- Henry, I don't think my dad

is gonna wanna see
Dez's swinging...

What you said.

- Oh my god;

this is pathetic.

You two have no sense of humor.

I was a Pepper fan
before you had pubes

and you can't have
a swinging cock

in a rock video unfortunately.

No nudity and no socks.

- Dude, that is so unrealistic.

We're supposed to be shootin'
a scene from a horror movie.

In every horror movie,

there's always
somebody gettin' naked.

- I'll have Pumpkin take off
her sweater at the wrap party.

- Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

Help me!

- You think that psycho
rocker boyfriend of yours

scared off Miss Cellulite?

- I don't know, maybe.

He sure has been acting weird.

You're still smoking?

Those things are gonna kill you.

- Why do you care?

What've you been
sayin' about me?

- Oh god, Dez.

Why do you always have
to think the whole world

is talking about you?
- People,

are we ready to shoot here?

- Yes, we're ready
if you want radio.

But if you want visuals,
there's just a slight problem.

The band is missing
and there's no crew.

- Lemme see, the
crew has disappeared

and now every band member
and their girlfriend.

Great.

- Maybe we're bein' stalked
by a serial killer.

- Or maybe everyone was abducted

by aliens disguised
as tiny dogs.

- You guys, what if
we are being stalked?

- By who, the ghost of Ed Wood?

- I know who it is.

It's Godzilla's agent.

He's pissed off about
that last movie.

- No, by Bobby.

He was making death threats
when he was fired from the band.

- Please honey,
you needn't worry.

This studio is super secure.

The biggest stars in
the world film here.

Every guard has a gun.

- Yeah, but maybe
he killed the guard.

That's usually how it starts.

- In low-budget splatter movies
maybe, but not in real life.

- You don't know Bobby, Henry.

That dude was crazy.

- I think we should
call the police.

- And tell 'em what,
that we're being stalked

by the Phantom of the Paradise?

- They won't come if
you don't have a corpse.

- How do you know so
much about the police?

- I used to date a cop,
'least dressed like one.

- Let's go check out that spot

where the crew was
settin' up that equipment.

- Alright, let's go.
- Young man,

that is an excellent idea.

- Let's go.

- He's gonna be a
big star, that boy.

- Could you get your
little thing to move?

- Come on, Pumpkin.

- I don't do dogs.

- That's not what I heard.

- This is nuts.

Alright, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna go over here,
you go down there.

- Looks kinda creepy.
- It's a good adrenaline rush.

- I could think of a better
way to get an adrenaline rush.

- Oh yeah?

I guess so.

- Where is everybody?

This is really pissing me off.

I am starting to wish
there really was a murder

because I'll tell
you I cannot take

much more of this bullshit!

- I'm gonna keep
lookin' for those guys.

- What, with that
killer on the loose?

- What killer?

It's the biggest movie
studio in the world.

There's more security here

than there are
killers on death row.

- That sounds like
somethin' some people say

right before they get
their nuts put in a vice.

- Not much chance of
that happening to me
now, is there Dez?

- Can we be serious here?

Like where is everybody?

- Lemme see if I can
like figure this out.

Three band guys are AWOL and
their band chicks are AWOL.

There's a toughie.

- We're also missing our
crew and vital equipment.

- Would you take
your fucking dog?

- Don't be rude.
- I say we just split up.

I'm gonna go north.

- North?

Where the hell is north?

I don't know north.

Gimme left or right.

- I'm going with you.

- No no no, last thing I need
is a girl slowin' me down.

- I'm more of a woman
than you'll ever be.

- I think I'll go take
a look around too.

- Pumpkin has to poop.

- Hey.

Dez is all by his lonesome

up by the Hunchback
of Notre Dame set.

- I'm done with killing.

Don't really like the hours.

- What kinda talk is
that for a psycho killer?

You can't start killing people
and then stop in the middle.

What about the revenge
for everything that
happened to you,?

How about that
windfall of all that

free publicity,
CDs, DVDs, sequels?

Have you lost your mind?

- I'm only kidding.

I'm a killing machine.

I'm a killin' machine.

I'm gonna give Dez's
stalker a Columbian necktie.

- A Columbian what?

- That's where I
slice open your throat

and I pull your tongue
out through the wound.

- What's up with
the knife, Bobby?

You're really losin' it.

We gotta stick
together, okay man?

- Alright, but Stephie?

- You know what, Bobby?

You can call me
that, okay; only you.

- Okay, somethin' happened.

- What?

- The Chelsea chick disappeared.

- Huh?

- I was chasing her
and she was gone.

She was gone.

- That it?

That doesn't matter.

- No Stephie,
that's fucking bad!

That's fucking bad, Stephie!

That's fucking bad!

That's fuckin' bad, Stephie.

- We don't care
about her, alright?

Alright?

You wanted to get revenge
for him firing you.

You wanted to kill
Dez and ruin his band;

then let's go and get it
done before it's too late.

- What if the bitch
already called the cops?

- Of course she called
the cops or she will.

Bobby, did you think you
weren't gonna get questioned?

You're the first suspect.

You're the first person
they're gonna suspect.

We talked about this and
you said you didn't care!

You said you only
wanted revenge!

- Nobody said anything
'bout any fucking witnesses.

That wasn't part of the plan

'cause you were
supposed to make sure

that nobody got
outta here alive.

- What if she did see you?

It's too late!

What do you wanna
do about it now?

- I'll tell you what we're
gonna do about it now.

I want you to go find
her and you go kill her.

'Cause if I go down
because of that bitch,

I fuckin' swear to god

you are goin' down
with me all the way.

All the way.

- What are we gonna do if
they can't find the equipment?

- If that happens,
then the party's over

and I'll just have to do the
psycho killer dream sequence

in some other band's video.

- Hey, that was our idea.

- We could do it if your
band hadn't disappeared.

But they have and you can't
shoot a band that's not here.

Besides, I recall
that you were the one

who was quite
offended by the idea.

- Well it is kinda different.

- Oh, now I see
what you're saying.

It's okay now because
you're going to be in it.

That's so funny.

Okay, let's see it.

- See what?

- Don't be coy with me, child.

Let's see the package.

C'mon, show me what you got.

Hmm, that is wonderful material.

Is that silk?

- I think it's lace.

- I've only switched
teams twice in my life,

but you could do it.

- What the?

What the hell are
you doin', Stephanie?

- Putting your nuts in
a vice, so to speak.

- Are you outta
your freakin' mind?

- Yes.

You may not know this, but your
entire fucking band is dead.

- You killed the whole band?

You bitch!

- Only Frankie and Shayla and
a few asshole crew members,

but Bobby killed all the rest.

- Bobby?

That fuckin'
asshole's behind this?

- Your language is startin' to
fuckin' piss me off, alright?

- That little pussy!

- Past tense Dez, as in
he was a little pussy.

I gave him a Columbian necktie

'bout 10 minutes ago.

Not bad considering
I only learned

what one was about
12 minutes ago.

Too bad he couldn't make me
cum like that when we fucked.

- Man, you are
one sick, twisted bitch.

- This is true.

But also brilliant.

Let me explain.

You see, I knew that
Bobby was gonna kill you.

He killed the whole
band for that matter,

no matter what I did.

I thought that if I
could turn the murders

into a publicity stunt,
then I'd be rich.

I talked Bobby into waiting
until after you shot the video.

'Course little did he realize
that after he killed you,

I'd have to kill him.

That would be the best
publicity in the entire world.

Rock band manager kills masked
murderer in self-defense.

Think of all the
DVDs we'll sell.

- You think they're gonna
believe you gave him

a Columbian necktie
in self-defense?

You dumb bitch.

- I really just stabbed him
like that scene in Psycho.

I did it in front of
the actual Psycho house.

Now that's art.

- Let me
go, you psycho bitch!

- You know Dez,
that's another reason

I could never go out with you.

You're such a whiner.

- Go out with you?

I just fucked you
a couple times.

Who said anything
about goin' out?

- That's another reason.

You see, I knew pretty soon

Janey would get tired of
your shit and drop you;

then where would our profits be?

They'd just disappear.

Now this is the best part.

Rock band gets killed the first
night of their first video.

Okay, Mr. Desmond.

Are you ready for your
Columbian necktie?

- Let me go, you
demented motherfucker.

- I'm really tired of
hearing your shit, Dez.

- Where the hell is everybody?

Well well well, for
the love of Norman.

Look what we have here.

- What is that, Henry?

- That, my dear, is our
missing fog machine.

- How on earth did it get
all the way over here?

- Hmm, I have no idea.

I suspect someone is
perpetrating a prank upon us.

Hopefully, it still functions.

- I see what you mean.

It really is creepier
with the fog.

- You wanna sleep with my dog?

- No, I said the
fog is really creepy!

- You have
to take a pee-pee?

- No, it's scary!

- Of course it's hairy.

It's a dog.

- Henry, can you turn

this damn machine off?

Thank you.

That noise was
giving me a headache.

- I know and the fumes.

Oh my god, that's my camera.

This is strange.

There's a tape in it.

- Is that a surprise?

- Something very odd is
going on around here.

- I don't get it, Henry.

- Let's see what's on the tape.

- My god, is this
some kinda joke?

That's Shayla and Frankie!

- Looks so real.

- That's my father!

- That's not prosthetics.

This is so fascinating.

- It's horrible!

Henry, please turn it off!

- I know this sounds odd,
but this is so compelling.

It's so beautiful.

- Henry, please tell me
you're not in on this.

- You know that I
could never hurt a fly.

- You're not the brightest
bulb in the tree, are ya?

Are you ready for
your big closeup now?!

- Janey, are you okay?

- Oh my god, you're alive.

I thought she killed everyone.

- I'm sorry I was
such a bitch to you.

Stephanie is the killer?

- Why?

- I know she never
liked you very much.

'Course, none of us did.

- Why kill everyone?

- For the publicity.

Fuck!

Ooh.

Okay.

* One more murder to go now

* Jane Jane Janey

* Janey a foo

* Jane Jane Janey

* Janey Janey Janey Janey

* Janey a foo

Hey Janey, you think the
band is gonna be jealous?

Okay!

Alright Monty, what do ya think?

Ya think she's behind
door number one,

door number two or
door number three?

I say door number two!

No Monty, she ain't there.

Okay.

It's either door number three

or door number one.

Door number three,
door number one.

One, three, one, three.

One, two.

I'm sick of this fucking game.

Hey Lucy, I'm home!

Janey!

Janey, where are you?!

Where are you now?!

I got your boyfriend here.

Alright alright,

where is she?

Where's your
girlfriend now, Dez?

Bet you wish you had that
Japanese sword now, huh?

- You've killed like 10 people.

Do you really think you're
gonna get away with it?

- I don't know, that's the
risk that every murderer takes.

Besides I didn't kill
everybody, Bobby did.

I had to kill him
in self-defense.

- You oughta check yourself
into a mental institute.

- Yeah?

You're not half-bad lookin'.

But I have in good time.

- Daddy!

- And now
we go to Bebi Anderson

at Empire Picture Studios
with a special report.

- Here we are on location of
the actual Backlot Murders

which took place
one year ago today.

To recap today's story,
Empire Pictures is releasing

the Backlot Murders deluxe DVD.

Some of the material is
not shown in the original--

- Arlene, you want another?

- And in related matter,

the reclusive heroine,
Stephanie Knight,

who is the sole survivor
of the mass murders

is said to still be suffering

from post-traumatic
stress disorder.

- I know she did it, Ma.

- Probably right.

I remember when she
used to come in here.

She had that blue
crap in her hair.

She was always a bitch.

- Sources tell us that
her controversial website,

which shows actual
footage of the murders

receives over one
million hits a day.

This is Bebi Anderson
with ZTV News Brief.

- God.

You didn't deserve that.

She's not gonna
get away with it.

- Are you
ready for your closeup now?

- Hello, I'm Charles Fleischer.

I'm an actor in Backlot Murders.

This is an exciting
production of Dominion Films.

It's directed by David
DeFalco starring Hans Lukeman,

Sean Thay-shun and Roger Nieves.

- Put the balls in there.

- Throw in your nuts.

- Are you feeling
any pressure there?

- What we need is
something cutting edge

for alternative media outlets.

That's the.

Sorry.

- I've made pigs look kosher.

- I knew I shouldn't
have taken this job.

- All of a sudden this
band's not good enough?

- Wait, can I finish
my line please?

- Hey, motherfucker!

That's not good.

Bitch bit me.

Did you get that on camera?

- All of a sudden, you're like
violently pulled outta frame.

- When this comes over here,
get your hands onto this

and then you pull
ya up this way.

- Nowadays you splatter movies

gory special effects.

- Cut!

- Can you make that
a little louder?

- I'm draggin'
him with one hand,

had the brick in the other one.

- He grabbed and kicked me.

- Yup probably sure, why not?

- Could
we do that again?

- Unless somebody has
a pair of scissors,

you look like a Muppet.

- You alright?

- We get the retractable knife
and stab the crap outta--

- Maybe we should
light him on fire.

- It's a family movie.

- There's blood.
- The blood's still running.

- Does anyone have a Tampax?

- Just shut up.

- But also really brilliant.

Lemme explain to you, Bobby.

Fuck, your name is Dez.

I can't be charming
and then go to psycho.

It's called a craft.

One second here.

No, I'm aging I've
been holding so long.

Fuck!

- When you come in,
you're like.

- Cool, that works.

- You should tell your father
that he is a very hot man,

especially for an
older gentleman.

- Here we go.
- Yee-haw!

- Wait, did it piddle?

- Now the cart won't work.

Someone get out and push.

- In these slasher movies,
the cars never work.

Well gee.

- I used to do shit like
this when I was a teenager.

- Who do I have to fuck
to get off this picture?

- Cut!