The Addams Family (2019) - full transcript

There's no bell

When you call for me

You'll be falling for miles

I'm bewitched by your misery

But I love it when you smile

Let me know
what you want from me

Whisper "love" in my ears

Before you try
to get your hooks in me

I should warn you, my dear

My heart is a haunted house

Once you're in,
you ain't getting out



It's the trap
you've been waiting for

Ain't no windows,
ain't no doors

No escaping the way you feel

It's like a dream,
but you hope it's real

My, my, my heart

- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
- CHOIR: Haunted house

M-m-m-my heart is a haunted

Haunted house

My love.

Cara mia.

The ring! The ring!
Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh, Thing!
Best hand always has the ring!

Dearly be-loathed,

it is indeed a rare privilege
to see our family



gathered together
for this Addams tradition.

To commence this ceremony

and deliver these two

into the yawning void
of matrimony,

we put the lime in the coconut
and drink them both up.

I now pronounce you...

- Monsters!
- Freaks!

Get out, Addams!

You've been here
long enough!

We've had
enough of your kind!

Addams aren't wanted here!

Leave already!

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Quick, put the lime
in the coconut

and drink 'em both up!

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

This is our home!

You're not wanted!

We don't want you here!

Everyone, to the bridge!

Fire!

Fire!

You two love bats
better fly out of here!

I'll hold them off!

Mazurka!

Grab onto my hairy hump!

I think I can see
my house from here.

Oh, no.
That's a women's prison.

Oh, Gomez, why do hordes
of angry villagers

follow us everywhere we go?

We are safe, my love,
that is all that matters.

I want to find a new home

that is shrouded
from the world.

Someplace that is truly us.

Yes! Somewhere horrible!
Somewhere corrupt!

Somewhere that no one
in their right mind

would be caught dead in!

Unhappy, darling?

Yes, completely.

Oh, Gomez,
you have torn down my walls

and stabbed your name
onto my heart.

My wan temptress,

your hand is as cold
as a dead fish.

My love, that is a dead fish.

Mmm, mmm...

So it is.

Darling,

is that a wrinkle
I see on your pallid brow?

What's wrong?

We can't run forever, my love.

I want a home again.

I want our children
to grow up in peace.

I want to pick out
cemetery plots.

Morticia, I swear on my life
I will find us a new home.

And your every wish
shall be granted.

Mon amour.

French. You know
what that does to me.

Wild thing

You make my heart...

We hit something!

Is he all right?

No, he seems
perfectly demented.

"State Hospital for
the Criminally Insane."

Gomez.

That must be
the asylum.

Oh, thank goodness.

A decent place
to sleep for the night.

Hmm?

Thank you, old boy.
Lead the way.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

Must be the off-season.

Hello?

There's no one here.

Could it be abandoned?

It's creepy. Kooky.

Mysterious. Spooky.

Huh?

Get out!

It's hideous.

It's horrible.

It's home.

What a lovely morning!

Nice try.

Get out!

Oh, you're always so grumpy
before your morning coffee.

Better?

Lurch,

it's time for breakfast.

Thing.

Have Ichabod
wake the children.

Lurch, would you mind
dusting the house?

Mmm.

Slowly, Cleopatra.

I wouldn't want my favorite
African Strangler to choke.

All right, Ichabod. I'm awake.

Not for long.

Real mature, Pugsley.

Oh, please.

You never threw an axe
when you were my age?

Of course I did.
I never missed.

How I wish something
would liven up

this already tedious day.

Thanks for trying, Ichabod.

Hmm.

Pugsley?

Pugsley! It's time
for sword practice.

Pugsley!

Let the games begin.

Here's Pugsley!

All right, son.
That's enough.

They blow up
so fast these days.

Don't make me come up there!

This is your last warning!

My head. Ow, ow, ow.

Pugsley, we're supposed to be
working on your swordplay.

Your Sabre Mazurka
is two weeks away,

and you've barely
practiced at all.

So I missed one practice.
What's the big deal?

The big deal?

The Sabre Mazurka
is the most important day

in a young man's life.

It's what makes you an Addams.

It's the day your entire
family gathers around you

and passes judgment on
your worth as a human being.

I hear it's like Thanksgiving.

But swords
are so old-fashioned.

I'm more of a demolitions man.

Explosives have no place
in a Mazurka. Hand them over.

All of them.

And the TNT.

And the M-80s.

Roman candles. Bang snaps.
Holy Hand Grenades.

Son, our family hasn't been
all together in 13 years.

They are coming
from all over the world

to see you
on your special day.

I just want it
to go perfectly.

All right, Pop.
I'll practice.

That's my boy.

Putrid.

Mmm. Horrifying.

I call spleen.

Mmm...

- Ah, ow...
- Wednesday.

Please, no ink stains
on the table.

Yes, Mother.

Gomez, everyone we've invited

to the Mazurka
has threatened to come.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

All Addamses
under one roof again.

Yes, but where will
everyone sleep?

We'll have Lurch fix up
the mausoleum.

It'll be like
sleepaway camp.

Very well, darling.

Uncle Fester!

Brother!

Don't worry, I'm okay.

The plate glass window
broke my fall.

Ha! Ha!

Rick'em,
rack'em, roar'em, buzz

Addams is as Addams does

I am thrilled you're here!

I'm not late, am I?

Actually, we weren't expecting
you for another two weeks.

Huh. So, not late.

I apologize, darling.

You see,
I asked Fester to come early

to help Pugsley
with his Mazurka practice.

Hey!

No! No!

Bad Kitty!
That's a bad Kitty!

If I'd known you were coming,

I would have prepared
the dungeon.

Please, don't worry.
I'll sleep in the attic.

You won't even know I'm here.

I've practiced that move
in a lot of people's homes.

Uncle,

can you tell us
what's beyond the gate?

Why ever would you
ask that, dear?

I heard a strange noise
in the fog earlier,

and I should like
to investigate.

There's nothing out there
but boring marshland.

There must be something.
We never go anywhere.

Who knows the untold horrors
we're missing out on.

Darling,
we have all the horror

we need, right here.

Uncle Fester can go
wherever he likes.

Now, now,
there are some restrictions.

You know,
I can't go to the mall,

or a zoo, or a building...

When you're older,

you can travel
to your heart's content.

But for now,
it's safer for you here.

Socrates, come.

...South America,
Europe, China,

Asia, most parts of Africa.

I'm allowed in Antarctica!

You're watching

Home, Art
and Garden television.

The world's a big place,
full of poor souls

who don't know the difference
between shiplap and Shinola.

Well, I'm here to help.

I take your
uninspired living space

and turn it into the perfect
palace of your dreams.

No matter how outdated your
design sense, I can help you.

My only flaw?

Sometimes I care too much.

I'm Margaux Needler,

and I'm about to stage
a Design Intervention!

You're welcome in advance.

Today, we're putting
the finishing touches

on our biggest project yet.

Assimilation.

We didn't just
make over a house.

We made over a whole town!

And in just two weeks,
on our live season finale,

you will be able to buy

your very own
piece of Assimilation.

That's right!

In a Design Intervention
first,

we are putting a whole
neighborhood up for sale.

This will be
your chance to purchase

the house of your dreams

in the town of your dreams!

Sounds good?
I thought so.

Welcome to Assimilation,
neighbor.

This program
brought to you

by Neighborhood Peeps.

Your neighbors are watching!

And, we're out!

Love it. Perfect.

Let's set up
for the walk-through.

Margaux,
did that feel good to you?

No, Glenn.

We need more balloons,
more confetti.

- Roger that.
- What are we selling here?

Big dreams. You know
how you get big dreams?

- Uh...
- With big ratings.

- Got it.
- Double the balloons.

And I want
a blizzard of confetti.

I want so much confetti
that we need

snow patrols
to find lost children.

I bet my home improvement
empire on this town.

Every house must sell

or we're out of business!

- It's got to be perfect!
- Mom!

You're never
gonna believe this.

What is it, Parker?

I found a creepy mansion
up on the hill!

I'm so glad you're exploring,
Parker,

but I don't have time
to talk right now, sweetheart.

Mama needs to help people.

I need help.
Aren't I people?

Oh, you're cute.

Don't you have Chipper 'N'
Cheer practice this afternoon?

Run along, honey.

Now, Glenn, what are
the numbers we're expecting?

- Well, if you look here...
- Mom!

Ugh!

Left a bit. Up a bit.

Now, down a bit.

Perfect.

And three, two, one...

You made me miss!

Do you know how long
it took for me to set this up?

Look, Pugsley...

Your Mazurka's coming up,
and, well, you're not ready.

Even if I am the only one
who sees it.

So, pay attention,

and you might actually
get through this.

Wait.

You're going to help me?

Why?

Because you are my brother.

And... I love you.

All right.
How are you gonna help me?

You see that hole over there?

Go stand beside it.

Uh... That hole?

That hole.

Mmm...
I don't get it.

Whoa.

Darling, not to criticize,

but is that really
as tight as you can make it?

I'm sorry, Gomez.

I'm just a bit preoccupied
with the Mazurka preparations.

Oh, I am as well!

I fear Pugsley
is overconfident

and doesn't truly understand

the importance
of this tradition.

Good news, everybody.
Pugsley's gone.

Wednesday,
I know that tone of voice.

Dig up your brother. At once.

You're weakening
the gene pool.

Hold on.

What do you have there?

I'm not sure.
I like it.

It's so... What's the word?
The opposite of sad?

Darling, bring that to me.

Strange, there's usually
a murderous clown

attached to the other
end of these.

Wednesday, don't move!

What, in the name of
all that is unholy, is that?

It tastes like cotton candy.

How do you know
what cotton candy tastes like?

Tish, it was my youth.
I made mistakes.

Wednesday, wherever did
this pink thing come from?

Outside.

They're everywhere.

Strangest weather
system I've ever seen.

What is that?
Where's it coming from?

Wait, wait, wait.

The fog, it's lifting.

Well, that would
only happen if...

Someone drained the marsh.
But who?

A town.
This is not good.

We must go down there

and introduce ourselves
at once.

This day is becoming
most wonderfully disruptive.

Let's keep going
with the run-through, okay?

Welcome back.

I'm so delighted
to show you my house.

You can own one just like it,
just less large.

Blah, blah, blah.
Sconces, crown molding.

Which leads us to what I call
the Salon de Grandé.

Cross here, turn,
and then say something like,

"Now, before I show you
this view,

"go to an antique store,

"buy a chair,
and reupholster it.

"'Cause you're gonna
wanna sit down for this."

What? What's the matter?

For heaven's sake,
what's going on?

Do I have something
in my teeth? What is it?

Not a single gargoyle.

Maybe this isn't
such a bad thing.

We have been
isolated here for a while.

I could really
see myself dying here.

Play nice, Kitty.

Well, no one is running at us

with torches and pitchforks,
so that's a plus.

You know, darling,
I don't think we'll need

to put the family
in the mausoleum.

They can stay here!

The family
would never be comfortable.

It will be years

before rust and decay set in.

How you doing?

It's all so... different.

Pugsley, don't drink it all.

This gentleman
wants some, too.

Sir, it's all right.

He's had all his shots!

What a nervous man.

Come on, Tish, let's
explore the neighborhood.

I'm gonna pop in here
for two minutes

and I'll meet you in
the town square. Agreed?

Very well, darling.

Good day, all.

Don't let me interrupt
your cup of joe

or whoever you have in there.

So, what's dark and bitter
here other than yours truly?

We have the
Madagascar Emerald Peaberry,

in a summer patchouli roast.

It has notes of oak,
cherry, and yoga.

Hmm. You know, I'm looking
for something a bit stronger.

Ah! Let me try that.

Mmm! Morticia, you have
to try these coffee grounds.

They have a wonderful grit!

Just a moment,
what am I hearing?

This is where
we all belong, yeah

Everybody come together

Sing our song, sing our song

Life is really perfect
We are one big family, yeah

Everything is so much better

When I'm like you
and you're like me

What's so great
about being yourself

When you can be
like everyone else?

Wow, that is
absolutely horrible!

It's easy to be happy
when you have no choice

Yes, it's easy to be happy
when you have no choice

Hold on,
unless I miss my guess here,

I believe that is
supposed to be music.

They're greeting us with

one of their
traditional songs.

Well, then,
we ought to do the same.

Wonderful idea, Fester.

Isn't it great
when we are all together?

Say it again
until you believe it

I believe it

We believe it

I'd tip my hat to you

I'd do just that

Take it right off for you,
But I haven't got a hat

I'm just a college boy,
even at that

I'd tip my hat to you
But I haven't got a hat

What? What'd I do?

How rude.

Gomez, we should return home.

Morticia,
this is not the old country.

True, these people
are a little different.

But deep down,
we're all the same.

We have to give them a chance.
Get to know them.

We have to win them over.

"Win them over"?

Well, good morning, neighbor!

Margaux Needler.

Gomez Addams.
At your service.

My wife, Morticia.

Charmed.

Our children,
Wednesday, Pugsley.

And my brother, Fester.

Hey, neighbor!

You know, we can see
right into your windows?

Nice to, uh, meet you.

As your neighbor,
I'd like to offer you

the opportunity of a lifetime.

How'd you like
a free home makeover

from a world-renowned
interior designer?

It will be a challenge,

but I can beautify that
old house of yours so fast,

it'll make your head spin.

I don't wanna brag,

but mine already does that.
Look.

I should like to see what this
plastic woman has to offer.

Yes, well... When is
a good time to stop by?

Actually, Ms. Needler...

Darling...

Stop by anytime you'd like.

Oh, wonderful!
Then it's settled.

I'll see you at your house,
first thing tomorrow.

You're welcome in advance! Ta!

That woman seems deranged.

Her face reminds me
of a death mask.

"Deranged"? "Death mask"?

You tell me
she's got halitosis,

and I'm hearing wedding bells!

Pugsley, this is
the Addams family saber.

300 years of Addams

have danced the Mazurka
with this blade.

Uh-uh.

Only when
you've shown me you're ready.

Your father was the greatest
swordsman in Addams history.

His Mazurka
was the stuff of legends.

So no pressure!

It's all right here,
in the Mazurka handbook.

Every Addams performs
this rite of passage

to show that you're prepared
to defend your family.

It sounds easy,
but believe me, it's insane!

Fester, hand him

the goo-goo-ga-ga
baby training sword.

Pop?

Has anyone
ever failed the Mazurka?

Once.
Your third cousin, Xander.

Never heard of him.

Exactly.

Music!

There's someone at the door.

Hi, guys. I'm going up
to this creepy mansion.

If you don't hear from me
in 30 minutes, send backup.

You rang?

Yeah, no.

Life's too short. See ya!

Oh!

Good morning, Kitty.

Greetings, Ms. Needler.

Wow.

Good morning!
I hope this isn't a bad time.

The worst. Do come in.

Glenn?

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you.

Oh, my! Hmm.

Are you ready
for your Margaux makeover?

Quite.

Pugsley's been climbing
the walls in anticipation.

Well, well, well!

Let's take a look around,
shall we?

And before you say anything,
you're welcome.

Now, if we're trying for
a more contemporary look,

well, these sconces
have to go.

The sconces were a gift
from dead relatives.

If we get rid of them,

they'll be terribly hurt
the next time they visit.

And this is our whine cellar.

We have a lovely
collection of whines.

- Are we there yet?
- I want ice cream!

What do you mean
you're out of avocado toast?

This barrel
makes me look fat.

And here's our bottomless pit.

Uh...
How do we get across?

One moment.

We call this surfing the web.

Well!

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm scared
to close my eyes.

I'm scared to open them.

How do all those people fit
in that little contraption?

My vanity mirror only
imprisons 14 souls at a time.

Uh, you don't
have a cell phone?

That's weird.

I may not have a cell phone...

Well, you don't
have a crossbow,

and I thought
everybody had one of those.

Mmm.

My name is Wednesday.

Okay.

Uh, I'm Parker.
How long have you lived here?

My whole life.
Which seems endless.

I've never
seen you at school.

I'm cage-schooled.

- Excuse me?
- It's terribly dull,

but my mother insists.

I'm actually
cutting cage right now.

Uh, okay.

So, what happens
at your school?

Uh, not much, just friends
turning on each other.

Girls making other girls
feel bad about themselves.

Typical junior high stuff.

Intriguing.

Can anyone go to your school?

I guess so. But who'd want to?

Wednesday!

Great shot!

Mr. and Mrs. Addams,
there's really not much to do

to make this place perfect.

All we have to do
is pull down the side walls,

and then also break down
the other two walls.

Open up the ceiling
by breaking it irreversibly.

Just get this nasty little
floor out of the way,

and there you go. With just
those little touches...

Stop! Right there!

Don't touch another thing!

It's perfect.
Ms. Needler, you have a gift.

The good news is I can have
a makeover crew up here

and swinging hammers
first thing in the morning.

What do you say?

We thought you were finished.

Our whole family
is coming in two weeks.

Our finale!

Our finale is in two weeks.

Thank you, Glenn.

It's a gracious offer,
Ms. Needler,

but you really
have done enough.

It's our son's Mazurka.
You understand.

Thank you.

Uh, we're missing Mitch.

Where's Mitch?

Get out!

Mitch who?

Gomez, I'll be blunt.

I have 50 houses
to sell down there,

and their view of your
property is, well, off-brand.

- Fifty houses?
- Yes.

You know,
ever since my family

was chased out
from the old country,

my one dream has been

to find a place
we could call home.

Once they see Assimilation,

I think they'll
want to stay for good.

Thank you so much
for coming by, Membrane.

It's Margaux!

Well then, run, Margaux!

Run, run, run!

That Wednesday girl
is a freak.

We're about to be invaded
by a whole army of freaks.

It's tragic when people
can't accept

the help they so badly need.

And when that happens,

well, another kind of
intervention is called for.

I agree, Gomez.

The whole family moving here
would be a dream come true.

But I don't trust
that Margaux woman.

She's an eccentric, darling,
give her a chance.

"Rasp-berry preserves."

Mmm.

Must be some kind
of scented embalming fluid.

Wednesday,
practice your lurking

on someone
other than your father.

He's too easy.

Much better.

Mother, Father,
I'd like to speak with you.

What's on your mind,
my little nightcrawler?

I spoke with Parker
this afternoon.

She's the daughter
of that talking mannequin

who came by.

She told me about
a communal school

all the neighborhood children
attend.

It's called "junior high."

"Junior high"...

Yes, yes,
I have read about those

in my abnormal
psychology journals.

Anyone of age can enroll.

I think it would be
good for me.

Well, I think
it's a capital idea.

What of your studies here?

Your taxidermy
is coming along so well.

Mother,
would you really deprive me

of the opportunity to torment
children my own age?

Ah, she makes a point.

What's more,
with Wednesday in school,

we'd get to know
the people here even better.

Well, Mother?

Have a good day
at school, dear.

Do your worst!

Ah. Now I understand.
This is a children's prison.

Who's that?

Great.

This is Wednesday.

Hello.

Hey, Parker.

I got something for ya.

A moldy sandwich?

You're slipping, Bethany.

You know what?
You're right.

Let's kick it up a notch.

You have no sense of humor!

- Did you see her face?
- I know.

Bethany, is it?

Don't cut your eyes on my crew
unless you're ready to dance.

What did you say,
little ghoul?

I don't think you understand.

I'm not locked up in here
with you, Bethany.

You're locked up in here
with me.

Whatever.

What did you do?

You shouldn't have said that.

There's nothing you can do.
Bethany's way too popular.

Popularity is fleeting.

I prefer to set my sights

on something
a little more challenging.

Like what?

The establishment.

Let's see.
Who shall I be today?

How about...

Ah, Shelly Longbottom,
on Sugar Ridge Lane.

From Shelly Longbottom
to everyone,

"Did you hear

"about those Addams people?"
Question mark.

"Someone told me
they're wanted in 30 states."

You know they're raising
a garden of man-eating plants?

And feeding them our pets!

Has anyone seen
my Shih Tzu Fee-fee?

They're gonna turn us
all into zombies.

Where are they from anyways?

It doesn't matter!

It's obvious
they don't belong here.

Honey! Oh, those awful people
up on the hill.

They're not even
on Neighborhood Peeps!

Well, that's suspicious.

If other people
are scared, then I'm scared.

I believe
everything I read.

If someone posted it,

it must be true.

You invite
one family in,

then all the families come in.

Do you think
we should investigate?

I'm turning grey.

I'm worried
for the children!

We need
to talk to Margaux!

Open your books. Page 43.

Follow the instructions.

- Yuck.
- Oh.

I've done this
thousands of times.

Huh?

Flip the switch!

Give my creature life!

Live!
Live, I tell you, live!

It's alive! It's alive!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Get them off me!

Zombie frogs!

Bethany's changed her look.

It suits her.

Awesome. Totally awesome.

It is an honor...

...and a privilege...

...to watch you work.

Hey. Do you wanna
go to the mall?

Why not? I haven't seen
a good mauling in ages.

It's late. I'm worried.

Darling,
Wednesday will be fine.

She can take care of herself.

It's not Wednesday
I'm worried about.

It's the rest of them. We may
need to provide an alibi.

My love, it's game night.

Wednesday will be home soon,

so why don't you
come and join us?

Oh, very well. F-6.

Pugsley,
you heard your mother.

Blow F-6!

Fire in the hole!

I'm king of the world!

Near, far, wherever...

Yes!

You sunk my battleship.

Ha-ha! Well done, Pugsley!

Hello, my uglies!

Mother! I thought
I felt my skin crawling!

Grandma, what a surprise.

I thought you were in Prague.

I was!

They caught me smuggling
crocodiles out of the zoo.

But I escaped
and talked my way

onto a Somali pirate ship.

We got into
a heated poker game

and I cleaned them out.

- Cheating or robbery?
- Both!

Always remember, Pugsley,

it ain't cheating
if no one catches you.

I haven't bathed
in two weeks. Ugh.

Or is it months?

Ha! That reminds me.

Guess what I've got, Pugsley?

- Candy!
- Oh, yes!

But the Mazurka
isn't for a week.

Why are you here so early?

Gomez said you needed
a little help with the party.

And I said, I got my son ready
for his Mazurka,

so of course, I'm going to do
the same for my grandson.

I love him!

It's true! I sent for her!

I can't believe you bothered

your mother with that,
darling.

Neither can I?

He said you were
in over your head.

Thank you, Mother!

Said you were more tense
than he's ever seen you.

- I didn't say that exactly.
- Yes, you did.

You said that exactly.

Said he was worried

you'd have a massive facial
expression and...

You know, I'm starving!
Let's eat!

Not until Wednesday gets home.

Where is that
granddaughter of mine?

I got something for her!

Ah, there's my
little storm cloud!

Wednesday,
where have you been?

Elsewhere.

What are you wearing?

Parker calls it
a pop of color.

While I certainly
appreciate a horse

with a spear
through its head,

the color is...

She claims
it brings out my smile.

Wednesday,
you don't have a smile.

Turns out
I have a lot of things

you don't know about.

I see I got here just in time.

You were right to call, Gomez.

I'll talk to her.
Hand me that bear trap.

Thank you, Grandma.
But I will handle this.

Ah, suit yourself.

When you're done with Fabio,
send him up to my room.

- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
- Oh, boy!

Wednesday.

How would you like
to join me tomorrow

after the school for tea
and séance in the cemetery?

Is attendance mandatory?

Come now, my little raven.

You did so love it
when you were younger.

If you like, Mother.

Sleep well, dear.

Don't forget to kick
your father good night.

What's your
favorite filter?

I don't know. I look black
and white in all of them.

You know,
when I met you,

I thought you were
super weird.

But now,
I think you're really cool.

I concur.

You're not completely devoid
of merit yourself.

I wanna say "thank you"...

Oh, how'd that barrette

you bought yesterday
go over at home?

Actually, my mother's reaction
was, well, unexpected.

She was accepting.
It depressed me.

One never wants to see
one's mother that way.

But I must admit,

walking around in something
so garish, so grotesque...

I was shocked
how thrilling it felt.

I wish
I could do that.

But my mom makes me
wear this stuff,

and it's just so...

I believe the word you're
looking for is "unfortunate."

Ugh. I'd love to
just go crazy

and wear something
that would shock her.

Well, Parker,

you're in luck.

You happen to be talking
to the queen of shock.

Hello, Mother.

Where's my little wraith?

Wednesday
still hasn't arrived.

We agreed to come up here
for tea and séance,

and now it seems
she stood me up.

Morticia!
Can you hear me?

You're not doing it right.

- Press that button there.
- I did! I did!

Did you hear it click?

Morticia!

It's supposed to be on

- when you hear the click.
- Wait, I see something.

- You did it!
- Hello, darling!

Now, where's my granddaughter?

Just what I said.

I think she's distancing
herself from me.

Oh,
she's wrapped in a black hole

of emptiness and longing,

like all of us Frump women.

- Wednesday?
- It's not Wednesday!

- Who's this?
- It's me, Father.

Morticia?

What's wrong with you now?

The world can be so cruel.

And all she wants to do
is run toward it.

She's a lot like you that way.

You wanted to see the world.

Find yourself.
Serve time!

Listen,
Morticia, remember the time

you ran away
and joined the Girl Scouts?

We were so worried
you were on a bad path.

But when you found out
that campfires

were for roasting marshmallows
and not other Girl Scouts,

well, you got bored
and you came home.

We were so relieved.

Trust Wednesday.

Like you,
she'll do the right thing.

Thank you, Father.
That's most comforting.

Good.
Wait a second.

When did I die?

20 years ago.

Oh, right.
Happy anniversary, darling.

All right, Pugsley, let's,
uh, go through it again.

You got this, Pugsley.
This Mazurka's nothing.

You eat swords for breakfast.

You just got a case
of pre-ball jitters.

It's way more common
than you think.

If a Mazurka lasts
for more than four hours,

contact your doctor.

From the top.
Music!

Pugsley,

I can honestly say

that was most definitely
a thing you did.

A question,
what in heaven's name was it?

The Sabre Mazurka.

You know what?
You've been practicing hard.

Why don't we
call it a day? Hmm?

Hit the showers, kid.

So, we're finished?

Ah, yes.

Yes, son. We are
most certainly finished.

Mmm. Okay. Thanks, Pop.

Thanks, Uncle Fester.

This is a complete disaster!
How did this happen?

And he's going
to make a fool of himself

in front of everyone!

Gomez, you gotta calm down!

There's still a day
to get him ready!

Fester, a year wouldn't be
enough to get him ready.

I've failed him, Fester.

I tried to raise him to be
an Addams, but I failed.

They're going
to eat him alive.

I like it like that
Ooh, baby

I said I like it like that

Ooh, baby,
I like it like that

All right. Thank you.

Grandma,
we already have a band.

They came highly recommended
from the mortuary.

Oh.

I'm sure
they're good.

My sister Sloom is
going to be judging Pugsley.

And if things aren't done
the traditional way,

she won't be happy,

and the Mazurka
could be a disaster!

But what do I know?

Fine.

Yay, we got the gig!

We got it!

Ah, one more thing...

Oh, someone's at the door.
I'd better go see who it is.

What's so great
about being yourself

When you can be like
everyone else?

Do not speak
to your mother that way.

How dare you
enter this house like that.

Wait, where are your tattoos?

Oh, thank the stars!

- Where were you?
- Hanging out with Parker.

Is this why you skipped
tea and séance?

Your grandparents
were trying to contact you.

Holy Hades!

Whoever did that to you,
Wednesday,

I hope the other guy
looks worse.

Nobody did this to me.
This is my new look.

Do you like it?

I do not like it.

Everyone knows pink
is a gateway color.

I warned you about sending her
to public school.

Don't worry.

Wednesday is never
going to that school again.

- What?
- In fact,

she's never leaving
this house again.

Wow, that's some evil eye
she's got there.

No, that dead-eye stare
is new.

And I think I know
where she got it.

Hey, guys, this is me now.

If you like it, hit "like,"
but who cares if you like it.

I'm living my truth.

Parker?

- Who did this to you?
- I did.

This is my new look, Mother.

I decided that from now on,
I choose my clothes, not you.

Argh! This is that little
creep Wednesday Addams' work!

She's not a creep.
She's just not like you.

Why can't you ever let
people be different?

Because it's my calling
to make everyone the same.

Too bright!
It burns!

Good! Maybe it'll burn away
the weird!

I hate it here!

Everything's boring
and fake and bright,

like plastic flowers!

Like you!

Parker!
Plastic flowers live forever.

Now, you go think
about that in your room.

With no social media.

No! Please, no.
Anything but that!

Now go wipe that depressing
goop off your face.

You first!

Oh! Those Addamses
have gone too far this time.

I think they're going to need
a little more help.

Hey!

Where are you going?

A friend's.

I hold people prisoner,
not the other way around.

Good luck with your Mazurka.

Wait, you're leaving?

Who's gonna torment me
every day?

Living under this roof is
all the torment you'll need.

Besides, our parents
have made it clear

that the only way
to be accepted in this family

is to be exactly like them.

I can't play
by those rules anymore.

Farewell, brother Pugsley.

Tomorrow, you become a man.

And I become a fugitive.

Always kinda knew
it'd end up like this.

Just didn't think
it'd be so soon.

I'll never
forget you, Pugsley!

But I'll try.

Pugsley, have you seen
your sister?

She's not in her room.

Mmm...

Pugsley. Where's Wednesday?

Um... Tsk.

Tick, tock,
tick, tock, Mother.

You're getting very sleepy.

Pugsley...

She did not go
to her friend's house.

She went to
her friend's house?

I repeat, she did not
go to her friend's...

When the day is long

And the night

The night is yours alone

When you're sure

You've had enough

Of this life

Hang on

Don't let yourself go

'Cause everybody cries

And everybody hurts

Sometimes

I shall be staying with you
for a while.

Everybody hurts

If this doesn't work,

the next house we flip
is gonna land on you.

Marty, listen to me.

Tomorrow, our finale
will be the biggest half hour

your network has ever aired.

There's just one more thing
to take care of.

This better be good
or you won't be able

to get a job as a doormat.

Yes, yes, yes.

I intend to bring
the house down.

When the pimp's in the crib ma

Drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot

Drop it like it's hot

When the pigs try
to get at you

Park it like it's hot
Park it like it's hot

Park it like it's hot

And if a... get a attitude

Pop it like it's hot
Pop it like it's hot

Pop it like it's hot

I got the Rolly on my arm
and I'm pouring Chandon

And I roll the best...
'cause I got it going on

You rang?

It. Cousin. You made it!

Please, come in.
Make yourself at home.

Where did she hide my phone?

I haven't been able

to post a photo of my lunch
in almost three days!

And what about in there?

That's my mom's crafting room.

No one is allowed in there.

Then that's where it is.

Weird.

Whoa.

Hidden depths.

What is this?

There's Mr. Haney
making a sandwich.

And that guy trying to put
a tiny tuxedo on his cat.

- Sit still!
- That's Mr. Flynn.

Why are you
being so difficult?

Trying to make you

- look handsome.
- My money's on the cat.

And there's our science
teacher, Ms. Gravely,

putting her underwear
in the freezer?

My mom must have built
hidden cameras

into all of the houses.

She really is psycho.

- Parker!
- Whoa!

Hey, Mom.

We were just looking for you.

What have I told you
about Mommy's crafting room?

Sorry to do this,
but standards must be upheld.

Parker, someday you'll
understand, and, Wednesday...

Well, anyway, Parker.

My mom
has a lair and a jail?

I knew I should have picked
to live with my dad.

We're gonna be on TV!

Are we gonna be famous?

Glenn, what do you
want in the frame?

Okay, everyone, listen up.

It's the last run-through
before the finale,

so let's try this
one last time, okay?

We're gonna shoot across
the town square to the gazebo

where Margaux
will make her grand entrance.

So everyone will be
walking this direction

across the square.

Judy, you start here,

Ken, you're gonna follow Judy.

You can stand right here
and...

Uh, is there
a bathroom nearby?

Uh...

Margaux, they're here!

What are you talking about?

They're here!

The Addams family!

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

What are we gonna do?

What we always do, Glenn.
Help people.

"The Addams monsters
are planning

"to attack the town tonight!"
Exclamation point.

"Meet at Margaux's house now."

Mmm? Oh.

Salutations, Addams.
We're here!

Petunia, I love what
you've done with your hair.

Thanks, I just had it mowed.

Please, come in.
Make yourself uncomfortable.

Uncle Onion!

- It's been so long!
- Voilà!

Yes, so disappointed
to see you.

Ah, you always manage
to bring a tear to my eye!

Greetings, Dr. Flambe!
How you doing?

- I'm on fire!
- Good!

This party's gonna be lit!

Ah, Auntie Sloom.

Auntie Sloom!

You are as radiant
as a barrel of nuclear waste.

Where is the boy?

Pugsley?

Ah, there you are.

Come down and say hello

- to your Auntie Sloom.
- Ahh!

Gomez, this tradition is not
to be taken lightly.

I trust that the boy
has been properly trained.

Yes, once you see how we've...

It's bad enough this Mazurka
is taking place in New Jersey.

Now, where are the dregs?
I'm thirsty.

You've seen them!

You've heard the stories
on Neighborhood Peeps!

Those Addams aren't people,
they're monsters!

And now, there's
an infestation of them!

They're here to destroy
our beautiful community

and turn it into a place

that no Design Intervention
can save!

Addams aren't wanted here!

They're monsters!
They're all monsters!

We need to destroy them first!

Who's with me?

We'll be revealing
Assimilation

and all of you to our audience
in just an hour.

Our last chance to help
these people is now.

Bill, John, do you still have
that lovely catapult?

Yes, we do!

Are you sure about this?

We can't let them ruin
our neighborhood!

Let's do it!

I want them out!

No one torments
my family but me.

Hair clip, please.

Okay.

Cage school 101.

He'd better be ready

or Auntie Sloom
will have his head!

He looks very small.

That kid's
got some big shoes to fill.

I certainly
hope the boy's ready.

Well, I'm not going
easy on him.

Heads up.

Hey, alto, you're flat.

Sloom.

- Sister.
- Darling, I...

I know the last time
we saw each other,

we had that horrible fight.

And I just wanted to tell you,
from the bottom of my heart,

I won that fight!
And I was glad I cheated!

You won?
Still a sore loser, as always!

I want a rematch!
Right here! Right now!

Auntie Sloom?
Can I get you anything?

When's the Mazurka?

Soon, soon.

Our daughter Wednesday
isn't here yet.

If your daughter
can't be on time,

then we will begin
without her!

Very well, Auntie Sloom.

Attention, please. Attention!

The hour is upon us.

Places!

We gather today to witness
my son, Pugsley Addams,

perform his Sabre Mazurka.

He will begin with a reading
from the Terror,

which commemorates
our cries in battle.

And now,
the transition into manhood.

And now, the Sabre Mazurka.

Hold still.

The Addams mustache.

Now you're ready.

Pugsley?

I give up.

I can't do it, Pop.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I let you down.

You haven't
let me down, Pugsley.

I let you down.

I was so focused
on doing things

the traditional way,

I forgot to let you
be who you are.

Hey!

Are ya ready
for your Margaux makeover now?

It's Margaux.

She must have turned
the whole town

into stark raving lunatics.

Well, I have to admit,
I admire her work.

Let's do this thing!

It's locked and loaded,
Margaux.

Let's go get 'em!
We've had enough!

Fire!

Get out!

Pugsley!

What is the true meaning
of the Mazurka?

It's about protecting
our family

from those who would
do us harm!

Go ahead.
Show 'em what you're good at.

All we have to do
is pull down the side walls!

You shouldn't mess with me

You don't wanna mess with me

'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family

Everyone, follow my boy!

Hey, guys!

You might think
that we are all loco

But this family
is about to go global

Fire!

Shakalaka bang, baby!

Quick! Out this way!

Pop, I'm out of ammo!

We're trapped!

Hope I'm not crashing
the party.

Wednesday!

Yeah!

Ichabod, quick,
lower your branches!

Everyone, grab on!

Margaux Needler never stops
until the project is complete.

Fire in the hole!

Mazurka!

Is everyone all right?

No limbs missing that weren't
missing before you arrived?

My little raven,
I'm so happy you returned.

Of course I came back.

I knew there was no way

you were going
to save yourselves.

You are like
weak baby squirrels.

Socrates.

Eight legs, nine lives.

You were right,
cara mia.

People can be cruel.

What have we done?

They're just a family.

A family?

Oh, please!
They're a bunch of monsters!

Don't go soft on me, people.

I will relish hounding you

until that nuclear waste dump
of a house is gone

and your mutant family
along with it! Ah!

Be careful what you wish for,
Ms. Needler.

My family and I will never run
from the likes of you again.

Deep breath, Margaux.

Okay, I have a finale
to shoot.

Parker, let's go.

I'm not going
anywhere with you.

I'm staying with my friend.

Your friend?

Parker, these people
are freaks.

If they're freaks,
then I'm a freak.

And so are all of you.

Exhibit A.

Ms. Gravely, you put
your underwear in the freezer.

Hey, it's refreshing, okay?

Exhibit B.
Trudy Pickering.

You sit on
the toilet backwards.

Well, where else am I supposed
to put my arms?

Wait, how did you know that?

Because your houses have been
infested with Needler-Vision.

She has hidden cameras
everywhere.

What?

And watches you
all of the time.

In my private time?

That is creepy, actually.

- What else has she seen?
- That is over the line!

Shut up!

Listen, you lemmings!
This is my town.

You are nothing
but a bunch of extras.

We are going to march down
that hill and do a live show.

I expect you to convince

those brainless peons
out there in the audience

that this is the perfect place
to buy a house,

or none of you will be living
here much longer.

- Do you hear me?
- Actually, Mom,

everyone can hear you.

You've been live
this whole time.

Three million people
are watching you right now.

The real you, for a change.

Please, what do I care what
a bunch of bloggers think?

Margaux?

What?

It's the network.

They're taking your show
off the air.

What?

No. I'll be...
I'll be bankrupt.

Who will buy all these houses?

Okay, watch this.
Now's my chance.

Excuse me,
I just tooted.

Furthermore,
I think I can help you

get rid of those houses.

- What are you talking about?
- Well, my dear,

you've got a bunch of houses
you need to get rid of,

and I've got a bunch of family
I need to get rid of.

Hello?

Excuse me. I'm Trudy.

Trudy Pickering. We...
We never officially met...

Ah, yes. The toilet woman.

Right.

Listen, uh, please, give us
a chance to make it right.

Let us have
our own design intervention.

Mother,

I spent time
with these people,

and it is true, they are odd.

But we shouldn't judge them

just because
they're different.

- Have a wonderful day!
- Whoo-hoo.

And there you are.

- Bye-bye.
- Thanks! Bye!

Well, hello there!

Howdy, neighbor.
How's the new house?

Oh, I love it. I hope
you brought your umbrellas.

Oh, you put in a typhoon.
What a great idea.

Don't forget
the gift basket, silly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got scented
embalming fluid,

toes, teeth, a fruitcake,

rat bait,
got some dried apricots...

He's like training a puppy,
adorable but tiresome.

She's the woman of my dreams!

Her breath is like
a baby's diaper.

Fester, stop!

Who would have thought
a guy like me, a total zero,

would have ended up with you,
an also zero?

Well, do come in!

Now, with
the house rebuilt, Pugsley,

we can throw you
the celebration you deserve!

You are Addams
through and through.

Get out!

Oh, how lovely.
The spirit's home.

Finally, back to normal.

We did good.

I won't tell anyone
if you don't.