The 4th (2016) - full transcript

[phone ringing]

[Jamie] Hello? Hey,
what's up, Scotty?

Sorry,
I couldn't see the screen for a second.

Some fucking...
like... [clearing throat]

It's hard to... sorry, man,
my allergies are going crazy.

No, I was just saying, it's hard to
see the screen in the sun sometimes.

Um, anyway, dude, uh...

Nothing. I'm just walking
back from the store right now.

I had to walk fucking super far,
man.

Like, pretty much all the
places that typically have stuff

are all, like,
sold out for the Fourth of July.



So all the cookout
stuff was gone.

Um, anyway, man, what's up?

Oh, no, no, yeah, well, shit,
normally I would've driven, man,

but, no,
I got a... I got a nice-ass parking spot

across the street
from the house.

Uh...

Oh, shit. Well, um...

Which airport do you
have to pick him up at?

Are you gonna be able to
make it to the cookout still?

Ooh. LAX? That's
gonna fucking suck.

Well,
as long as you can make it here by the time

of the, um, fireworks,
you should be cool.

[phone buzzing]

Hang on,
I'm getting a text real quick.



[car honking]

It's fucking Jenny texting
about chores again.

It's like, dude,
you're not my roommate.

You're fucking
Derek's girlfriend.

Like, you know what I'm
saying? Chill out for a second.

Yeah, seriously.

Not that the chores
don't need to be done.

But it's just like, Come on man,
set up some boundaries.

Oh, hold up a second, dude. My fucking
phone's blowing up again. Hang on.

[phone buzzing]

Shit.

Hey, Derek, what's up, man?

Uh, nothing,
I'm just going for a walk.

Um...

No, I'm probably not
getting into too much today.

Um...

Yeah, well, uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, the guy who did the graphics for us
said the check will be here super soon.

So I'll be able to
take care of the rent.

Well, technically,
I'm not two months late.

It's a month and four days now.

Um... Oh, shit. Actually,
Mia's locked in the gate.

I forgot,
no one was here to let her out.

But hey, man,
have... Have a good trip, man.

And... yeah,
as soon as the check comes, I'll...

You locked me in.

Obviously,
I'll take care of it. Um...

But hey,
I gotta go. I gotta let Mia out.

Um, but yeah, have a good trip,
man. I'll talk to you soon.

- [keys jangling] - All right,
bye.

Scotty, you still there?

Sorry about that.
Sorry about that.

- I gotta go. I'm gonna be late.
- All right.

Um, do you think you'll be
back in time for the fireworks?

[Mia] I don't know. Just
depends how busy we are.

OK. Yeah, well, have fun.

Or as much fun as work is.

Uh, sorry.

No, just letting Mia out.

No, just letting Mia out.

God damn it.

- Nothing. - [object tumbling]

Checking for that check again.

Do you know if they even
deliver mail on the Fourth of July?

Yeah,
I didn't think so. [laughs]

Uh, no,
it was cool. She spent the night. Um...

Yeah.

She just keeps pressuring
me to try to move in with her.

Which is... I mean,
would be cool,

but I kinda just prefer still
having my own space, you know?

Even though Derek's kind
of a... kind of a fucking dick.

Or he's not even a dick,
really. He's just...

You know, I think we were better
friends than roommates, essentially.

But... literally got like 68 bucks
in the bank until that check comes.

Um...

Fuck it.

Uh, yeah, man,
I got this big-ass thing of meat

that I'm gonna thaw
that I'm hyped about.

Um...

Fuck!

I forgot the lighter
fluid at the store.

[Jamie] No,
I already bought that lighter fluid,

but I left it on the counter
when I left the store.

I just totally straight-up
brain farted and left it.

Um...

So, yeah,
I already paid for it, so...

Typically I would, but,
no, I already paid for it,

so I wanna go back and get it.

I don't know, it's like a super
short drive, but a long-ass walk.

Plus I have, like,
no goddamn gas anyway.

I still got a bunch of shit I need
to get ready for the cookout,

so I'm trying, like, to not waste as
much time walking over there again.

Uh...

Uh, maybe. I don't know. Like, Derek's
bike is, like, his most prized possession.

Yeah, it's Fixie.

He probably wouldn't be too
hyped if I borrowed his bike.

["Dalkavuk" by
Senay Yuzbasioglu]

[horn honking]

Why you in the road?

- You're not a car.
- OK, go around.

You're not even a motorcycle.
You're a fucking bike.

Get on the goddamn sidewalk.

Fucking Bilbo Baggins over here.

- [Jamie] I'm not even short.
- You're not special.

You ain't Aerosmith.

- [Jamie] Just go!
- I can run you over.

- Whatever, dude.
- Hipster bullshit.

[Jamie] Fucker.

Fucking truck nuts?

- [truck honking]
- [Jamie] Fuck.

[man] Yeah,
what's up? We're not on the road no more.

What's up now?

- Nothing.
- What's up? You got shit to say?

Nothing's... nothing's
been up. Just go.

Go where? What,
you're just gonna tell me where to go?

I know where the
fuck I wanna go.

- Great. Then go there.
- You was talking shit.

You got something to say?

Talk some shit now.

- I'm just...
- Say something to my face.

[Jamie] I'm just
going to the store.

My face is right here. We ain't
on the road, we're right here.

- Great. - We're right here.

- Yeah, you're right.
- Right now.

- You're very observant.
- Let's do it. What's up?

- What... OK, yeah.
- You wanna piece?

We're hanging out. This is cool.

I ain't hanging out with you. I
don't wanna hang out with you.

- OK, then, goodbye.
- This ain't a [indistinct] session.

We're not friends.

- This ain't Nickelodeon.
- That's true. That's right.

-Ain't High School Musical.
-I'm not Chandler, you're not Monica.

I ain't gonna break out
and sing a song with you.

- I ain't gonna break dance.
- [Jamie] Awesome. Great.

We ain't gonna play basketball
and get in the school play.

- [Jamie] Awesome. OK. Thank you.
- What's up?

- Nothing's up. Just go, dude.
- Come on, Floppy Hair.

Don't tell me where to go.

You go.

Then stay. I don't give a fuck.

No, no, I am staying. You go.

- All right. - You go.

- Bye. - Oh, so you're gonna go?

Yeah, you're a weirdo, dude.

Bitch-ass mother. You would run,
wouldn't you?

I'm not running. I'm
being a normal person.

Like a bitch.
Like a little bitch.

I'm being a normal person
going about my... Whatever, dude.

- You look like a girl.
- Go fuck yourself, dude.

[man] Fuck myself?

Yeah. There's an
activity for you to do.

- I'll fuck your mom.
- [Jamie] OK, terrific.

Yeah.

Run back to Castle Black,
Jon Snow.

Bitch-ass motherfucker.

Smack the shit out of you.

Hey, what's up, man? Um,
I came in here a little bit ago...

- No... no bikes in here.
- Um...

Skateboarders come in and they
scuff up the whole floor. There's no bikes.

[Jamie] Sorry,
I just... I don't have a lock.

- Doesn't change the rules here.
- So I just don't feel safe putting it outside.

Basically, this dude was, like, chasing me
in his truck. It doesn't matter. But like...

No,
it doesn't matter. No bikes in here.

- Sorry, I don't have a lock.
- There's no bikes in here.

These are actually different sort of
wheels than, uh, than skateboards.

So I don't think it would...

- The bike stays outside.
- All right.

I just... there was just a
dude chasing me in a truck.

Plus, I don't want... All right.

I can hold it up
so it doesn't touch.

All right.

[Jamie groaning]

[Jamie] It's out front.

Um, like, I came in here about an
hour ago and I bought lighter fluid,

but I forgot... like, I bought charcoal
also, but I forgot the lighter fluid.

But I already paid for it.

Um, oh, actually,
I think that's the one right there.

Great, you got a receipt?

Uh...

Actually, I don't.

I'm pretty sure I don't because you,
um, like, handed it to me

sort of, like, in this taco-y way,
you know what I'm saying?

OK. I've never... I've never
heard "taco-y way" before.

Like,
you handed it to me in a way

where you put, like,
the cash down and a receipt on top

and then, like,
the change on top of that.

And then there was, like,
a bunch of people in line behind me,

so I had to, like,
cup it into my pocket.

If you don't have the receipt,
then it's not yours.

Well, I'm saying I did have
the receipt and it probably...

I don't... it's probably
on the floor here

because I dropped all the stuff

- 'cause it was, like...
- I don't remember you.

Maybe it's 'cause you're
wearing sunglasses indoors.

But I don't remember you. I still don't
remember you. None of us remember you.

I was wearing sunglasses
because I came off the bike.

- I forgot I had them on.
- I don't care.

If you had your receipt,
I'd give you the product you say is yours.

[Jamie] I did have the receipt.

Like, the thing is,
when you handed it to me,

like, I had to, like, sort of taco it and,
like, cup it into my pocket.

Why don't you buy pants that fit

instead of this skinny thing

and then everything wouldn't
just slide down your leg?

If you don't have it,
you don't have it, OK?

Sorry. Uh...

Is there anybody
else here I can talk to?

Because I paid for that.

No, I'm the manager.

Do you wanna buy it,
or should I sell things

to the person behind you?

All right,
I'll just buy it again.

- [machine beeping]
- [man groans]

$3.62.

This is literally my last cash.

Great story.

- [machine beeps] -
Here's your change.

$1.38.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

This receipt was in the bag.

- Fuck it. - [bag rustling]

How can I help you?

[Jamie] What the fuck?

- [man] What the funny now?
- [Jamie] Jesus Christ.

- Yeah, you like that, bitch?
- What the fuck?

What you gonna do now, huh?

[indistinct cursing]

Aw! Sorry about your bike,
Pee-wee.

[truck engine roaring]

Fucking...

[truck engine roaring]

Fucking-A.

[birds chirping]

[phone dialing]

Uh, hi. Um,
I need to report something.

Um, uh, this guy just ran...

I don't know if this counts as,
like, an emergency emergency,

but this dude just
ran over my bike.

Then the... no, then the dude just
took off. I don't know here he went.

I don't know. It was like a... no,
no. It was like a black pickup truck.

And, um, it had, uh... I didn't
get the plate or anything like that.

No, it was just too crazy.

Oh.

You know what?

It actually... It had,
um, it had truck nuts.

It's like these
fleshy-looking testicles

that hang off the
back of a... of a car.

Or most times, they're on, like,
pickup trucks and stuff like that.

No, it's like a real thing.

Are you by a computer?

Yeah, I was just saying... Yeah,
yeah. You could Google it or whatever.

Anyway, that was just the main
distinguishing feature of the truck

is that it had testicles.

Hello?

What the fuck?

Fucking-A.

Learn what truck nuts are.

[metal clanking]

[disco music playing]

Hey, Scotty?

Hey, can you hear me?

What's up, dude? Um...

Hey, man.

I got fucking... The bike?

Some road rage dude
drove over the bike.

It's, like,
straight-up fucked up.

Yeah, the bike. Derek's special favorite
bike, it's destroyed. Well anyways, sorry.

Um...

Have you left yet for
LAX to pick up Mark?

Oh, shit.

I was... Yeah, no,
I gonna ask if you could give me a ride

back to my place because
I'm dragging this busted bike.

Is there no way you could
swing by and grab me right now

and just give me a lift?

OK.

Uh...

Eh, I guess I could do an Uber.

I just... I don't know.
Doing a car service.

I hate, fucking, that stuff.

I've done it before. Well,
I haven't done it.

Like,
every time I've ridden in an Uber,

um, Mia did it with her phone.

No, I'll figure it out.

Yeah, have fun picking up Mark.

[laughing]

Well,
he is technically your family now.

Yeah, all right man.

All right, later. Bye.

[man] Yeah,
I'm just running a few minutes late

because I'm checking my map,
and it says...

Hey,
I didn't know how to do it on the app,

but I have a... a bike with me.

- I don't know if you could pop the trunk.
- What're you talking about?

- I got the Uber. The Uber thing.
- I'm not a fucking Uber!

Hello? Get your hand
off my fucking car.

[Jamie] OK,
sorry. Your car looked like...

[man] You look like
fucking Carrot Top.

- What do you think of that?
- Great.

- Your car looked like an Uber.
- [man] Asshole.

Jesus, fucking Carrot Top just
tried to climb in my fucking car.

- Hey, are you Jamie?
- Yeah are you the Uber?

Of course,
I'm Patrick. What's up?

[Jamie] Hey.

I didn't know how
to do it on the app,

but I have a bike with me.

Is it cool if I pop
it in the trunk?

Uh, I guess,
if you have to, sure.

[Jamie] I'll just toss it
in the back and we'll roll.

OK, please be careful.

Make sure that bag is sealed,
though.

I don't want
anything spilling out.

[Jamie] Yeah.

[Patrick] OK,
easy... easy now. Easy now, all right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up,
back up, back up. Back up, please.

Try to not let the wheel
touch the roof of the car.

- [Jamie] OK, sorry.
- [Patrick] OK. Eas... Ooh! OK.

I can't have any
scratches or any tears.

[Jamie] Can I put this
old yoga mat up here?

[Patrick] Uh,
that's really for my body, but sure.

Be careful,
do not shove it in there.

All right, you're... you're
hitting the... the seat again.

Can you not shove it in there?

[Jamie] Nope. I mean,
yeah. Sorry. I, uh...

[with a hissing sound] Shoot.
I'm gonna take the tire off.

[Patrick] Nice and slow here,
OK?

Push the seat down.

Someone drove over my bike,
so I can't lay it that far back.

[Patrick] Please do not
ram it into the chair like that.

- OK.
- Lay it a littler flatter.

Easy, easy. Don't slam.

Sorry about that. I've been
stuck with this bike all day.

Um... Oh, shit, dude, dude,
that's the truck that ran over my bike.

Just follow that.

[Patrick] I kinda need
an address for my GPS.

[Jamie] I'll tell you in a second,
but just go right and follow that truck.

[Patrick] First things first,
do you need gum?

[Jamie] Uh, no, no, no,
just follow the truck.

I don't want gum.
I don't want gum.

Do you need water?
I got water too.

I don't want water.
Just follow the truck.

[Patrick] So you
don't want a water?

[Jamie] I'll take a water,
but follow the truck.

Who are you talking
about? What truck?

[Jamie] The dude... All right.
The dude who ran over my bike.

His truck is ahead of us.

I need to get the
license plate number

so I can report
it to the police.

OK. I don't see a truck.

Can you describe the truck

so that I can understand
what you're talking about?

Take a... It's a... It's
like a... a black truck.

Like a new one. It's big.

The driver's probably,
like, a black guy, mid 30s.

Late 20s, maybe.

And he had, like,
a gray tank top on.

I'm sorry, what does the color
of his skin have to do with it?

I'm just describing him.

I don't have any... It
doesn't mean anything.

OK, but it was the way
you said it that sounded...

Well,
I didn't mean anything by it.

I'm just talking about... Oh, there he
is! There he is! He's, like, three cars up.

We just need to
get close enough.

OK, 'cause I'm not trying to
racially profile anyone here.

You're not racially
profiling anybody.

I saw the dude
do it. It's just...

I'm pretty sure that's it.

OK. I just...

It's got, like, peach-colored
fleshy truck nuts on the back.

[Patrick] If he's
supposedly black,

why would his
truck nuts be white?

They might've... I don't know.

Maybe he likes white truck nuts.

Or maybe that was
all that was available.

OK,
so it seems like you don't know a lot

about what's going on right now.

I know that that's the
dude and that's the truck.

If we can get by to
see the license plate,

I can get a photo of it and
report it. That's it! That's it!

[Patrick] Why are we
following this person?

[Jamie] Because he
drove over my bicycle.

- Did he know it was your bike?
- And he was yelling at me.

He was the asshole, dude.

Calm down, all right. I'm gonna
pull over until you calm down.

There's no need for
that. See up there?

I can see his dangling
truck nuts right now.

But I... Just get me close
enough to see the license plate.

- OK.
- He's going over the hill.

[Jamie] Oh, my God,
just please get close enough.

I swear to God.

You are pushing me and I'm
about to let you off right now.

Please get close.
He's turning right now.

OK, I think...

He just... he just turned
right by that highway sign.

- By that highway sign.
- Get on the highway?

[Jamie] No, no, no!

I said he turned right
by the highway sign.

- He did not get on the high...
- I'm sorry. But, um...

Can you get off the...

I'm sorry,
but I do not like your attitude right now.

I don't like the way you're
speaking to me in my own car.

Next exit,
I'm dropping you off, OK?

I... That's not... I
need to get home.

Well, you can figure that
out with another driver.

[Jamie] Well, could you please
just drop me off at my house?

It's 284 Parkview.

[Patrick] You can keep talking,
but I'm done talking to you.

This is ridiculous, dude.

Hello?

[radio commercial playing] Used
by Jennifer Opel and engineered by...

[Jamie] Dude,
this is a car service.

I'm not asking you to
do anything not in reason.

So part of that service
is for you to not yell at me

the way you've
been yelling at me.

For you not be sending
me on a wild goose chase.

You know, um, making,
uh, racist comments.

[Jamie] I was not saying anything
racist. That doesn't make any sense.

Oh,
you absolutely were being racist.

How was I being racist?

You're persecuting a black man.

[Jamie] He's the guy who did it!

His race has
nothing to do with it.

It's purely a
description of the guy

we were trying to follow,
which you,

for whatever reason,
could not get your... anything together.

and this is exactly what
they were talking about.

If I described
your car as silver,

that doesn't mean I have
a thing against silver cars.

I'm talking about your
fucking individual car.

Save it for the next
KKK rally that you go to.

- This is bullshit, dude.
- You can get out here.

I'm not getting out here. I
don't know where we are.

[dog barking]

[Patrick] There is no other
Uber driver coming for you.

I'm going to make sure of that.

And you are charged 86 dollars.

Eighty fucking six
dollars? That's bullshit!

It's called surge hour services

and that's what's
happening today.

- Wh... It's the afternoon.
- It's the Fourth of July.

I don't even have that much money. I have,
like, 68 bucks.

You plugged in
the 3.5 into the app

when you confirmed the charge.

I thought that meant, like,
I'd wait three and a half minutes

for you or something. I can't see... I
couldn't see the goddamn screen in the sun.

It's already been
charged. It's 86 dollars.

Thanks for taking all
my goddamn money.

Open the fucking trunk
so I can get my bike out.

Ask me politely.

Will you please
open the trunk for me

so I can retrieve my bicycle
that that guy ran over?

There you go.

[Patrick] So you'll be
getting a receipt via email.

[Jamie] Great.

[Patrick] As well as an
optional online survey.

If you could do me a solid
and give me a high rating,

I'd really appreciate it. OK?

Also, um, if you're on Twitter,
you can just help me out

by tweeting "Hashtag
Uber Patrick Rules." OK?

Hashtag, go fuck yourself.

My fucking lighter fluid.

Hey, what's up,
dude? I was hoping you would answer. Um...

Anyway, man. Um...

Give me a call back
as soon as you get this.

Um,
I don't know if you already picked Mark up

or if you're still at the airport or
on the way or whatever, but um...

but, dude, I'm gonna,
uh... [laughs]

I'm definitely gonna need
you to come pick me up. Um...

Some... some
insane shit happened.

Um,
the Uber driver dude was crazy.

I mean, not like... Well,
I don't know.

Like, annoying crazy.

It's too long to explain
in a fucking voicemail,

but we got into an argument
and he kicked me out.

And, uh, anyway,
the fucking dick head dropped me off

and essentially...

fuckin'... took...

Basically, all my money's gone

and has been
spent on car service.

So that's nice.

Um, shit, I gotta find a
place to fucking take a piss.

So, um,

I'm gonna go try to find
a bathroom for a second.

And then, uh, when I find that, uh,
hopefully I'll have an address to give you

and you can come
pick me up. But uh...

Anyway, just give me a call,
man. I've got, like... I've only got

I've got $1.38 left.

Um, total. To... to my name.

So I don't even have enough
for a bus anymore, so, uh...

Anyway,
call me back when you get this, man.

I hope you're on your
way back. All right.

Later man, bye.

Seriously?

Fucking turn.

[door bells chiming]

[Jamie] Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, do you guys have a public restroom,
by any chance?

No? All right.

Do you guys have a bathroom?

No? OK.

- Do you guys have a bathroom?
- [shopkeeper] No.

Hello? Do you guys have a bathroom,
by any chance?

Do you have a bathroom,
by any chance?

No, OK. Thanks.

[honking]

Sorry.

What's up, man?

Is it all right if I bring
this in here for a second?

- It's just a bike.
- I don't give a fuck.

Um, do you guys have a
restroom I could use super quick?

I've been hopping around,
looking for a spot and I can't.

No one seems to have one.

We do,
but it's for customers only.

OK. Um...

Is it cool if I... if I
use the restroom first

and then buy
something on the way?

I'll buy something for sure.
I just need to go really bad.

- It's customers only.
- OK. Uh, yeah.

Sorry,
I just have to go super bad. Um...

Do you guys, uh... do you guys
have lighter fluid by any chance?

-[man] Yeah, yeah, we do.
-Do you know how much it costs? Just offhand?

I don't know, like four dollars.

Aw, shit. Um...

Do you guys have anything that's,
like, just a dollar or less?

It's easier if you
check the price tags.

[Jamie] None of this
stuff has price tags on it.

That's the only reason I ask.

So how much are the candy
bars? Are they like a dollar?

- [shopkeeper] Yeah, a dollar.
- It was Adrien Brody.

And he was DJ'ing and we
watched him do this entire DJ set.

No, he did look good.
That's what was surprising.

He did look good, and it was amazing.
Excuse me. Where's the bathroom?

- It's for customers only.
- Are you serious?

Seriously?

- Yeah. - [woman laughs]

This guy is being so
mean to me right now.

He's being so... I know.

No, I... I know.

Hey, excuse me. Hi.

So, I'm Stacy.

Can I please use the bathroom?

You'll be, like,
my best friend in the whole world.

Like, I will never forget you.

All right, go ahead.

You are am-He's amazing.

He's now being nice.
You're amazing. I am...

You're my favorite
store person right now.

- You're amazing.
- All right, Stacy.

- Fuck. - [Jamie] Sorry.

Anyways,
when Adrien started spinning,

I was like, I want to fuck him.

Awesome. Uh...

So I guess that means I
probably don't have to buy this too?

- That's a dollar.
- Cool. Of course it is.

[Stacy speaking indistinctly]

Yo.

Yo, bathroom's one at a time.

That's fine with me.

I'm not trying to
be in there with her.

[Stacy muffled talking]

I'd fuck her.

- Cool. - Like you wouldn't?

I don't know, whatever.

I'm just waiting for the... I'm
just waiting for the bathroom.

- Trying to get my dick wet.
- [Jamie] Great.

[Stacy] She always wears the
same thing as me and it's like... [sighs]

[phone jingling]

When Adrien Brody was DJ'ing,

he made eye contact with me.

I counted, like, six times,
but I'm pretty sure.

No,
it wasn't anyone next to me. It was me.

He looked me right in
the eye and I was like...

[knocking]

[Stacy] Oh, my God.

What?

Are you gonna be much longer?

I actually need to
use the restroom.

[Stacy] And I'm
using it right now,

so that's kinda how this works.

Sounds like you're just
talking on the phone a bunch.

[Stacy] Yeah,
because I have... I'm multitasking.

Wow.

[Stacy] Yeah,
something you probably can't do.

[Jamie] Yeah, you got me again.

[Stacy] You need to, like,
stop creeping right now, OK?

And, like, wait your turn.

- I'm not creeping. I just...
- You need to wait your turn.

OK, but I actually need to use
the bathroom. It sounds like...

[Stacy] I actually need
to use the bathroom too.

Sounds like you're
just talking on the phone

and not even using the bathroom.

[Stacy] Whatever.

OK. Whatever.

You got in there because you
kinda cut in front of me before anyway.

[Stacy] Cut in front? Oh,
my God, you heard him right?

Cut in front of you? Are you,
like, five years old?

I'm not five years old,
I'm a grown up.

- [shopkeeper
laughing] - [Stacy] OK.

- I'm am adult.
- [Stacy] He's a psycho.

- Why's your bike all fucked up?
- A dude drove over it.

Tight.

[Stacy] I'm definitely not gonna get
my hair wet because I don't want to.

So are you done taking
the world's biggest shit yet?

[Stacy laughing]

He thinks that I'm shitting,

which is gross.

Then what are you doing?

[Stacy] I don't shit.

Great. That makes sense
because you're full of it.

[Stacy] Wow. Are you a
comedian? Is that what you do?

I'm just a guy who actually
needs to use the bathroom.

[Stacy] To take a shit?

I need to take a piss.

[Stacy] You're a fucking dude.

Go outside, whip your cock out

and fucking piss
all over things.

I was trying to be
a decent person,

but all right, fine,
maybe I will.

- [Stacy] Yeah.
- This is fucking stupid.

[Stacy] And you know
what? You're dumb.

You're dumbing.

[police siren]

Fuck.

Sir,
we need you to step away from the wall,

put your hands over your
head and turn around slowly.

Um...

Sir, you heard me. I need
you to turn around slowly.

- Put your hands over your head.
- I have my dick out.

You have your what?

[Jamie] I have my dick out.

[Officer] Why is your dick out,
sir?

- I don't know.
- Turn around, slowly.

- Can I put it away first?
- Hands up, turn around.

What the hell are you doing?

[Jamie] I had to pee.

So I was peeing.

Close that up.

- Slowly.
- It's buttons, not a zipper.

I know, I know,
I see. Thank you.

[dogs barking]

I was trying to
pee in the store,

but you had to buy something.

You too cheap to buy something?

No, no, no, I bought something.

I bought a Snickers and then
I went to use the bathroom

and this, like, annoying girl
got in the bathroom in front of me

and she, like,
wouldn't leave. She was pretty much...

So you came outside and showed
yourself to the entire neighborhood.

No, I showed myself to the wall.

Get your hands against the wall.

[Jamie] I don't know what she was doing,
but she was taking forever

and then, like,
so I pretty much had no choice

and I had to come outside and pee out here,
you know what I mean?

[Officer 2] No, I don't.

- What's this?
- That's the Snickers I bought.

That's the one I
was telling you about.

I bought that so I
could use the bathroom

because you had to be a patron. So,
that's like...

That's brand new. That's
the one I bought inside.

I just bought that. Like...

OK.

You understand the ramifications

of what you are
doing here today?

Obviously not.

[indistinct voice over radio]

Do you realize that
because of your act out here

with your little
tallywacker hanging out...

You got indecent exposure
because you couldn't hold it.

That puts you on a list
with all other child offenders.

I wasn't doing anything sexual.

I just needed to
use the bathroom.

You got your
weenie out in public.

Are you kidding me?

Anybody could've walked
by. A little kid could've walked.

[Jamie] See my bike over there?

I actually called the
police earlier today

because there was, like,
a road rage incident,

where this dude drove
over my bike in a parking lot.

He drove over your bike. Did
you get a license plate number?

Did you get a make of the car?

It was all happening
pretty fast and it was insane.

[Officer 2] Quiet.

Well, here's your citation.

I'm not a sex offender
is all I'm saying.

You know what,
Junior? There's a phone number on there.

There's a website that'll
tell you what you need to do.

Do you know what
the price is for the fee?

Which part of...

Go to the website.

Call the phone number.

[Jamie] OK. I got it. I got it.

OK, I got it. Yes. Go to the
website. I'll go to the website.

[handcuffs unscrewing]

Warning.

Don't ever let me
catch you do that again.

- Have a great Fourth of July.
- All right.

Never again.

[engine revving]

[Jamie]Hey, Scotty.

Hey, dude.

Dude, I just got a big-ass
ticket for taking a piss.

Like these...

Like, these police busted
me for peeing on a wall.

Um, hey man,
if you've already picked up Mark

or you're cruising
around or whatever,

is there any way you
could come pick me up?

Oh, awesome. All right. Well,
shit.

If it's delayed, yeah, yeah,
that'd be great. Yeah. Um...

I'm by this place called,
uh, Song's Automotive.

If you just Google that name,

it'll take you right here.

Just look up the address.

Yeah, dude. Uh,
yeah. I'll just meet you over there.

Hey, the bathroom's free
now if you wanna use it.

Great, not necessary. Thanks.

- How's your bike?
- It's doing wonderful.

His bike is literally
falling apart.

I'm glad you're done taking
the world's biggest shit.

OK.

- Whatever. - Goddamn.

[wheel tumbling]

[Stacy] I guess if I need to bring sangria,
I will, but...

Oh, my god,
I think he's following me.

[Jamie] I'm not following you,
Jesus.

[laughing] He is so... I need
to take a picture of him for you,

but I don't even wanna
give him that satisfaction.

No,
because I heard him talking to the clerk

that he wanted to fuck me.

No, he did.

Which is, like, I get it,
but, it's like, just,

have some class and not
say it right in front of me.

I mean... No, the door was shut,
but still, he was like,

whatever.

[phone beeping]

[Jamie] Hello, Scotty?

I can hardly...

Oh, Derek. Derek?

Hey, what's up, dude?

You sounded like
a robot for a second.

Yeah,
I don't know. I think it was your phone.

Maybe it was mine, I don't know.

Nothing. Just...

What's up?

No, I saw the list Jenny left.

And... She texted
me a few times too.

So the chores are noted.

No, no, no, just tell Jenny
she doesn't need to stop by.

I'm gonna be, like, at home the
whole time just like watching Netflix

and just, like, you know, doing
kind of boring shit or whatever tonight.

Don't worry, man,
your cats are good.

If I had the funds I'd totally
be down for a trip, too.

Yeah.

Yeah, obviously,
I'd pay rent first.

- What's up man? - Hey.

Is that Derek's bike?

Oh, my God,
he's gonna be so pissed off about that.

[Jamie] I just got the wheel back on,
but now I can't get it off.

Did you already pick
Mark up or is he still...

[Scotty] No,
we gotta hurry up. He's already here now.

- He's called me twice already.
- All right.

Plane was delayed,
but now it's landed.

- So we gotta go.
- I don't know if it's gonna fit.

I've got some bungees in the trunk,
dude.

Just use those. We gotta go.

[Jamie] So the Uber car, he's like,
"Hey, can you do me a solid.

If you're on Twitter,
could you, uh, just put out

hashtag Uber Driver
Patrick Rules?"

I closed the door and I was like,
"hashtag, go fuck yourself."

[Scotty] You said
that right to his face?

[Jamie] Yeah, yeah, pretty much.

I closed the door
and just said it to him.

- After you closed the door?
- Like, right after.

That sucks. He
probably didn't hear it.

- Yeah. - He probably didn't.

- [phone ringing] -
[Jamie] I think it's...

Fucking Jenny just texted again.

She keeps texting me about,

Derek left me a list of chores

and then I guess Jenny has
thought it's like, uh, her duty to, uh...

text me on his behalf

to make sure I do the chores.

She needs to chill out.

[airplane engine roaring]

[Jamie] Whenever I
go through this tunnel,

I either hold my breath
or close my eyes.

I already fucked it up
because I'm still talking,

but you can either close
your eyes or hold your breath

- until the end of the tunnel.
- [Scotty] I just usually scream.

No one's ever passed out.

But the only time a guy did,

there was a traffic jam
around Thanksgiving.

I like these
big-ass LAX letters.

I bet people are gonna start
showing up at the cookout

and I'm not even gonna be there.

This is actually the most
relaxing part of my day so far.

What's Mark in town for anyway?

[Scotty] An
engineering conference.

[Jamie yawning]

I think it's so funny
that he's technically

a part of your family.

[Scotty] Well,
yeah, technically.

Legally. Not
technically. Legally.

[Scotty] Legally is technically.

Oh,
whatever. It's kinda tight though.

- Sitting here, taking forever.
- [Jamie's phone rings]

[Scotty] These fuckers
are parked right here.

- Jesus Christ.
- [Scotty] I'm going around.

Jenny just texted me
again. [phone jingling]

[Scotty] Fuck this.

What is she pointing at? What
does that mean? [groaning]

- We're still at one.
- [Scotty] OK, look for him.

- [Jamie] All right.
- [Scotty] Stop hugging.

Oh, God, you idiots.

OK, just a head's up.

Uh,
Mark's gonna wanna sit in the front.

He says he gets carsick, so...

He gets carsick?

[Scotty] I mean,
I don't think he does.

I just think he likes
to say he gets carsick.

[both] There he is.

Yo, Mark!

Mark!

[Scotty yelling] Mark!

Circle around again.

I like this one, I guess,

Just fuck it. Hop in.

- Where do I put this bag?
- [Scotty] Just give it to him.

[Jamie] Oh, it doesn't work.

- [Mark] It doesn't go down?
- Yeah, it doesn't go down.

[Scotty] Hey, how's it going?

[Mark] Oh,
my God. I'm having the worst day.

- [Scotty] Put the thing down.
- I'm trying to.

- [Scotty] The handle.
- [Mark] Doesn't go down.

[Scotty] Does your bag...
Does your bag handle go down?

[Mark] It sticks a little bit.

It's always the
first thing going.

[Scotty] Your
hair's all long now.

Oh, yeah, I'm growing it

because I'm playing A.P.
Hill in the Battle of Antietam

at the local Civil War
reenactment society. So...

Let's go to In-N-Out.

- [Scotty] Um, right now?
- Yeah, I didn't get to eat.

You know,
airport prices are so expensive, so...

[Jamie] I'm actually
having a cookout.

We're trying to
rollback for that.

I got a big-ass thing of meat.
We're gonna cook burgers.

[Mark] I always eat at
In-N-Out when I get to LA.

Anytime I get to California,

I always have In-N-Out,
first thing.

[Scotty] OK.

There's the one
right by the airport.

It won't take long.

[Scotty] I don't eat meat, so.

Well,
they have... they have other options there.

What, like bread and pickle?

Yeah.

I like In-N-Out fine,
but I don't have any money

to get anything right now.

Why don't you buy him something?

I don't like to patronize
non-vegetarian establishments.

- I don't like to support that.
- Why?

What do you mean? Because
I don't like to support it.

That's what I just
said. I don't like to.

[Mark] Doesn't make any sense.

[Scotty] Yeah it does,
it makes total sense.

Every time I come to California,

the first thing I do is I
go to In-N-Out Burger.

I don't know why
it has to change.

This is my tradition.

It's just gonna
take five minutes.

[Scotty] We're in a hurry to get
back to an actual cookout right now,

so it kinda makes more
sense to just do that.

Every time I come to California

I got to In-N-Out Burger,
first thing.

[Scotty] Dude,
we're not going to In-N-Out.

[plane engine roaring]

[phone ringing]

Hey, Drew.

Hey, what's up, dude?

Uh...

No, I'm not.

Are you at the house now?

I'm not even there yet, man.

Couldn't you just eat that in
the car? It would be a lot faster.

We could get going
to the barbecue.

Yeah,
I can't eat in the car because I get sick.

I'm actually...

[stammering]

I'm at an In-N-Out near LAX.

No, no, no.

We're still gonna have
burgers at the cookout. But um...

It's too much to explain. Um...

Oh, you're with Mikey?

No, no, no,
just wait until I get back.

Actually,
don't because if you...

No, no, don't climb over the fence,
because if you...

If you do that,
it locks from the inside anyway,

so even if you climbed
over to let Mikey in,

you'd need the key to open
it from the inside anyway.

Plus, no one's there, so...

Yeah.

So just... actually,
you know what you can do?

Um, just,
because you've got time to kill,

you could do me a favor,

if you could just stop
and get lighter fluid.

You don't have to bring anything
super special to the cookout.

Just get lighter fluid.

You can if you
want. I don't care.

But just... yeah,
lighter fluid, man.

All right,
dude. All right. See you in a bit, bye.

No lighter fluid necessary.

Yeah?

[Scotty] Why is the
trunk up like that?

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

- What the hell?
- [Jamie] They took the wheel.

Who steals a wheel?

I don't know.
That fucking sucks.

That was, like,
the only good part left.

Derek's gonna be
fucking super pissed now.

You didn't put
the lock through it?

We bungeed it down.

That's what I don't like
about LA. Too much crime.

[Mark] Is there a way I can
hook my phone up to your stereo

to listen to something?

What do you want to listen to?

My earbuds broke on the plane

so I wasn't able to
listen to my book on tape

about the Civil War.

I don't wanna listen to a
book on tape right now.

We're driving.

Can't you listen to it tonight?

[indistinct]

[Mark] Every day,
during the conference,

there's gonna be social
activities at the end of the day.

So I'm not gonna
have time to listen to it.

So I have to listen to it now.

Well,
you don't have to listen to it

and I think now it's probably
not a great time, so...

I don't have time to listen to this,
uh, this weekend

and I need to listen
to the book on tape

before I return because I'm
preparing for my reenactment.

This is my one
chance to play A.P. Hill.

OK,
fine. Yeah. Go ahead and put it on.

Put on your stupid book.

You have to use the adapter
and the cassette thing.

You know,
it hooks into the cassette player.

[Mark] I remember these.

I used to have all my stuff
on cassette tape. Um...

It was probably before your
time so you don't remember that.

Obviously it's not
before my time.

I literally have a cassette,
so...

Cassette tapes are
before your time.

[Scotty] No, they're not. They're
literally not before my time.

Uh, you know what's before
your time? Is the Civil War.

[audio book narrator] Ambrose Powell Hill,
Jr.,

better known to most as

the daring Confederate army
general A.P. Hill, was killed

in the American Civil War.

Hill, a native... or Nap sacks,
or any other burdens,

except our arms and haversacks,

which were never
heavy. And sometimes...

[Mark] Shit, shit,
shit, shit, Pull over.

Pull over, pull over, pull over.

Stop, stop.

No, guys. You can't park here.

You gotta take it
down the street.

- I live here. - Oh, no.

No, you can't follow us around.

Sorry,
you can't just follow us around all day.

Sir, I'm not following you.

- I live... - Hold on. Hold on.

Police brutality, man.

I'm not gonna tell you again. I
want you back behind that line.

I have a right of
non-identification.

As part of article one
in the Constitution.

[Jamie] I live here.

He's supposed to be here.

- You know this person?
- Yeah, that's my friend, Drew.

[Officer] His name is Drew,
Sarge. Drew.

Drew, is that right?

Maybe it's right,
maybe it's not, man.

Yeah.

He's supposed to be here.

Listen, hey, calm down.

[Mikey] Police brutality.

Listen,
I'm not gonna tell you again.

Mikey,
just chill out for a second.

- I live here. He's a guest.
- Right.

- Of me. - OK.

And your guest was breaking
into this residence, here.

He wasn't breaking in.

He had called me
that he arrived early.

He thought maybe it would
be OK to go in the front yard.

Your neighbors called us to
respond to this guy breaking in.

He cut his leg on
the top of the wall.

[Jamie] What
happened to your leg?

He cut his leg trying
to climb over that fence.

He was trying to parkour all over this
wall here, and your neighbors saw him.

[Jamie] OK, well,
he has permission to do that.

[man] He's an American,
just like you, man.

He's a guest of mine. I'm
having a cookout today.

- Yeah dude, barbecue.
- The neighbors are totally fine.

[audio book narrator]
Eight caliber bullet

sliced off Hill's steady
left thumb before...

- It's OK. - I need you to calm.

He was just... He's just
bringing food to the cookout.

Calm down. Just calm down.

Was he bringing this to the cookout,
too?

He wasn't bringing
that to the cookout.

[Officer] Now that's
something interesting.

[Drew] I have a
medical situation.

I have anxiety.

Where's your medical card, sir?

Uh, it's at my buddy, Ryan's,
place under his, uh, tax documents.

I'm not gonna tell you again.
I want you back behind that...

- Give me the phone.
- [Jamie] Mikey, chill out, dude.

[Sergeant] Is it...
It's legitimate?

- [Drew] It is legit, man.
- [Officer] He has stuff on him.

[Jamie] I know,
but he's got a prescription.

[Drew] Yeah, dude,
it's at Ryan's place.

[Mikey] Crap,
I'm full up on my phone.

Slow down.

[Officer] Do not put
this shit on YouTube.

I got killer lettuce from
the farmer's market.

It's off the chain,
bro. Put it on the burgers.

Oh, dude, sorry, did you get
the lighter fluid, by any chance?

Dang, bro,
I forgot. I'm sorry, man.

- Don't worry about it. - Sorry.

Is he gonna come out... Is
he gonna be released today?

- That's up to him.
- [Officer 2] See you downtown.

Which downtown is it? Downtown
or like Rampart or Hollywood?

- [car doors shut]
- [engine revving]

Downtown,
like the expression? Or like...

OK, it's probably downtown.

I think he means downtown.

I told you guys not to
climb over the fence.

I told Drew specifically
on the phone to not do that.

Yeah, but we needed to get in

because I had to go to the
bathroom. I still have to go.

What were you gonna do,
pee in the yard?

- Yeah. - There he goes.

Bye, Drew.

- Yeah, bye Drew. - See you.

I to... Jesus Christ.

[Mikey] Cops.

Yeah, those were the same cops

that busted me for pissing
earlier and gave me that ticket.

[Jamie] Aw, he got...

That's all his leg blood
on the bag of groceries.

I'm not touching
that. I'm a vegetarian.

So blood... blood on the food,
no good.

[Jamie] Well, I think that's just
a good rule of thumb anyway

with anything with blood on it.
I'm not... I gotta check on my meat.

- [Scotty] This meat's expired.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.

But, like,
I kept it in the freezer since I bought it,

so, like, it should be cool.

[Scotty] Yeah,
but it's expired. It's from May.

I know the date is expired,

but when I bought it,
it was still at the store

and when I brought it home,

I froze it and it's been
frozen since then.

You know what I'm saying?

I texted Drew,
but he hasn't texted me back.

- [Jamie] So it's been...
- [Mikey] Because he's in jail.

It's been frozen
since I bought it.

So it should be cool to eat.

[Scotty] Yeah, should be.

Should be. That's why I'm a vegetarian,
though.

But no. See how it got thaw...

I still thought it'd be
more thawed by now.

My bad.

Uh, but yeah I don't know,
once we have it, like, on the grill,

we just toss it on the
grill and it'll be cool.

- Mark's still in the car.
- [Mikey] Oh, yeah.

[audio book narrator]
Near the Confederate right,

along a ridge.

Due to swampy grounds...

[man] Hey!

Man,
I texted you like five times.

[Jamie] Sorry, man.

Oh, shit.

Hey, right here.

Then I had the lighter fluid
and I left it in the Uber car.

Then when I got out of there,
I tried to take a piss...

Who wants a veggie or meat?

The veggie will
probably be done quicker.

[Mikey] Make sure you keep
the veggie and the meat separate.

[Mark] That meat
doesn't look very good.

You know,
Gordon Ramsay says that

you should only cook it
on one side for ten minutes

and flip one time.

Don't he cook like
he's changing a baby?

[Jamie] Once the fire really gets going,
it won't...

It seems gross now,

but, like,
once it gets going going,

it'll be just like
normal burger meat.

The veggie
spatula is right here.

[metal clinking]

All right,
cool. All the ice is off.

Hey, Mikey,
I got a little meat on the veggie side,

but only in one corner.

[Mikey] That's OK.

Like a big-ass
White Castle burger.

Looks like my friend,
Gregg, is here.

Can I get the keys for the gate?

Uh, here, I'll go get him.

Can you just put
on a couple buns

and some of those
veggie patties on a plate?

OK.

[fly buzzing]

Where'd these flies come from?

I don't know.

They're not supposed to
have them in California.

I know.

Hey.

What's up? How's it going?

- Mark's buddy? - Yeah. Gregg.

What's up? Nice to meet you.

Come on in.

OK, cool, it didn't burn.

- Happy fourth, Gregg.
- Happy fourth.

- Good to see you.
- Do you actually have meat?

Uh, yeah, yeah, that is meat.

Do you have a bathroom?

Uh, yeah. Actually,
see the front door?

Just go through that and then

you'll walk through
a living room.

Ya know what? I'll show him
where it is. I'll just show him.

Yeah, just go in the back.

But just make sure
when you go in and out,

just make sure
you close the door

because there's a cat
inside I can't let out.

Do you want one of
the veggie patties?

- They're almost done.
- I'm waiting on this.

Veggie plate. Other plate.

Fucking specks keep
getting in my eyes.

Your eyes are weak. That's why.

- No, the little ashy things.
- Yeah, I'm taking it.

There you go.

That dude with the American flag tie,
he let the cat out.

Fuck, all right. Uh, here. That's
the... that's the veggie thing.

That meat... That's rare?

Is there such a thing
as a rare veggie?

[Gregg] Looks like a dick,
right? There's really one ball,

but it really does
look like both.

[Mark] But if you were looking from
the side, you would only see one ball.

[Jamie] Did you guys see
a cat come out the door?

Mikey said the cat got out.

- There's cats?
- [Gregg] Oh yeah, I saw a cat.

Like, inside or outside?

I was going inside.

- [Jamie] And it went outside?
- [Gregg] Yeah.

Well,
do you know which one it was?

- Might have been orange. - OK.

Yeah, that's Steve Sanders.

Scotty,
can you help me find this cat?

- The cat got out?
- Yeah, Steve Sanders.

- That's a dick.
- Yeah, do you see it?

Steve Sanders?

[Scotty] He's not gonna
come to his name. He's a cat.

He sometimes does
or snap your fingers.

How about if I, um,
tell him I don't like him?

He'll probably come
up and sit in my lap.

- Steve Sanders?
- [Scotty whistles]

Goddamn it. Why'd
he let him out?

- Steve Sanders? - [Scotty] Cat.

I thought I saw.

There's a bunch of neighborhood cats,
too.

Found a penny.

Steve Sanders!

Steve Sanders.

[Scotty] Like,
how does he know it's you?

- [Jamie] Who? Steve Sanders?
- Yeah.

I don't know,
he'd smell me or something.

- Smells like him back here.
- [Jamie] Steve Sanders.

[Scotty] This is like a
horror movie back here.

[Jamie] It's like a
work in progress.

[Scotty] Cat, cat, cat.

He could probably be,
like, in any of these tubes.

[Jamie] I thought I put a
sign on the door about it.

[Scotty] What
does he sound like?

Like, you know,
he says meow and shit.

Steve Standers?

This is broken, I assume.

- Steve? - Steven?

This sucks.

It's just a cat. They're fine.

Takes a full six
weeks to go feral.

- Shit. Hold up.
- [phone ringing]

That's Mia.

Hello?

Hey, what's up?

So you got off early,
that's awesome.

Oh.

Wait, how did you get there?
You didn't take your car today?

Oh, fuck, that's right.

No, I forgot you carpooled.

I'm parked.

No, no, it's not a big deal. I can
come pick you up. It's not a problem.

Sucks, you have a prime
parking spot right out front.

Yeah,
I'm just parked across the street.

So, yeah. No, no, I'll come.

It's gonna take you forever to
find parking near the house again.

Yeah, no,
a few people are here right now.

Check this out, you can put it
back in the tree. You see this?

- Thorns. - Wow.

Someone let the cat out.

So... no,
Scotty and I are looking for it right now.

You know what,
don't worry about it.

It's not a big deal.
I'll come pick you up.

It's totally cool. All right,
see you in a little bit.

I love you. All right. Bye-bye.

- Hey, did you know that limes...
- I gotta go pick up Mia.

The dude that she drove with,

like, basically her boss,
let her off early,

if she can leave now.

But if I don't go
get her right now,

they're probably gonna
give her another shift

just because of the
holiday traffic shit.

Let's go.

Cool. Uh...

Yeah, um, actually I'll leave.
But I'll just... Fuck, thorn.

If you can just take
care of guests and shit.

[Scotty] What if I
find the cat though?

[Jamie] Well, if you find the cat,
put him inside.

[excited chatter]

I don't know. Just keep
people company until I get back

and if anybody needs to
know where the bathroom is,

you know what I mean,
just tell them.

- OK. - Oh, shit. Here, um...

Take the key to
the house because...

Where the fuck is this thing?

Just give me the keys.

[Jamie] The gate just
needs to just stay shut.

Just give me all of them.

- I need the car key. - Oh.

You know what I'm
saying? Here's the key.

- [Jamie] Um... - No problem.

[Jamie] Make sure... Make
sure the gate stays shut.

Yeah, no problem.

[Jamie] Just so no randoms
come in or whatever.

And, uh,
just peek over the edge and make sure...

Just keep a look out
for guests or whatever.

[keys jangling]

[Jamie] All right,
whatever. All right. See you in a bit.

[car engine starting]

Hey, what's up?

Can I get through real quick?

I mean, we're kinda,
like, We're kinda set up.

[Jamie] I... I don't... It's kinda
like a lightweight emergency.

I mean, yeah, OK.

- I mean, go ahead. It's what...
- [Jamie] All right, can I?

[crackling]

Thanks a lot,
man. What the fuck, dude?

- [honking] - [man 2] Go ahead.

[Jamie] Jesus Christ.

[fireworks crackling]

What the fuck is
wrong with people?

Some old dude gave me
this enormous gummy bear

as a tip.

- Did he give you money also?
- [Mia] No.

No. Just the gummy bear.

Fucking weird, though, that he's
rolling around with a big-ass gummy bear.

[Mia] And so I thought I'd give it to you,
if you want it.

I'd eat it.

I've not actually gotten to
eat hardly anything today.

I got to eat a
crumpled up Snickers.

I've not had one
burger yet or anything.

[Mia] Really?

Yeah, because everything
just keeps being fucking chaotic.

[Mia] Was there
a lot of traffic?

[Jamie] Uh, kind of.

Some assholes threw
fireworks on my car.

That's why it smells like fart.

[Mia] Yeah, I smell it.

-[phone ringing] -Oh, shit,
can you get that for me?

I just got a text, I think.

I don't want you to,
like, text and drive.

I don't want you to get a
ticket. It's gonna be expensive.

Can you look at it for me
so I don't have to do that?

[Mia] All right.
It's from Jenny.

She... "Can I swing by
and check on the cats?"

Just text her that I
already fed the cats.

I did already feed the
cats. So it's not even like...

- Cats...
- I know she just wants to...

Are...

Fed... Sent.

[Jamie] I'm not being weird about it,
am I?

Like,
that's rude that she's texting me

about shit that
Derek wants done.

[Mia] It is pretty nicely
wrapped. Look at that.

[Jamie] You need scissors
to open it or does it just open?

[Mia laughs] No.

[Jamie] Oh, shit.

That's pretty awesome actually.

It smells like soap.

[Jamie] Can I get a bite of it?

Holy shit.

Pull it.

- [Mia] Oh, God.
- I hit my fucking head.

- Are you OK? - [Jamie] Yeah.

- Oh, shit.
- The highway's moving.

[Mia] Oh, my God.

* I am cool Are
you feeling all right *

* So tomorrow night
We'll go anywhere *

* I am cool Are
you feeling all right *

[Jamie] Why is there no goddamn
parking in my neighborhood?

I hate when people park their fucking car,
like,

and they leave, like,
two-thirds of a car length between them

and the end of a
curb or a driveway.

Pull to the fucking end.

What are you gonna do? Like a
smart smart car's gonna go there.

[Mia] That guy parked right
in the middle of two spots.

[Jamie] Yeah,
stupid. Fire hydrant.

Nope, driveway. Not a spot.

Not a spot.

You're gonna have to drive slower,
I can hardly look.

Goddamn it,
there's like nothing.

That guy just parked.

[Mia] You think we'll
have to park this far?

I should've peed
before I left work.

That could easily be two
spots if he pulled forward.

After 6 PM,
you can do the yellow.

[firework exploding]

[Jamie] Jesus Christ,
those fucking dickheads.

They're like saving
a spot for somebody.

- [Mia] Is this guy leaving?
- [Jamie] Maybe.

[beeping sound]

This is...

seriously probably the
farthest I've had to park.

It's gonna take us, like,
20 minutes or so to get back.

Like, we could watch an episode Like, we
could watch an episode Friend in the time.

[Mia] Sorry.

[Jamie in a muffled
voice] Jesus Christ.

Forgot the fuckin...

[keys jangling]

Forgot to lock the door.

[phone ringing]

- Fucking kidding? - What?

Jesus Christ. How many...

It's Jenny, again.

Honestly,
how many times are you gonna text?

Yes, I fed the fucking cats.

You need to get out of there.

Did she not get?

You need to get out of there.

She needs to get out of there.

There's no point
in living somewhere

where you don't feel at home.

I feel at home. She shouldn't.

Problem is,
she feels too at home

and she doesn't even live there.

[fireworks whistling]

[Jamie] Oh, shit.

Man.

Got crap all over it.

Maybe you could wipe it off.

[groaning]

Maybe we should leave a note.

Doesn't look like
there's any damage.

Just stuck a little
bit. It looks OK.

[man speaking Spanish]

Oh, sorry, man.

[continues speaking Spanish]

I was just trying to
make it land in the street

because I got dirt on it.

It's a gummy bear
that I was eating.

[speaking foreign language]

[Mia] We'll totally pay for it.
We'll pay for the damages.

[speaking Spanish]

I have some tip
money in my purse.

- [Jamie] Dude!
- [man] Is this your carro?

You need to chill out.

Dude, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

[Mia] This is not our car.

Dude, this is not our car.

- [car alarm beeping] -
You're being so weird.

This is not our car.

[man speaking Spanish]

Dude,
you need to chill the fuck out.

I didn't mean to hit your car.

[car alarming]

Are you trying to hurt the
gummy bear or the car?

[man 2] Excuse me? Excuse me?

You need to get
away from my car.

You just spit on me, big time.

[man 2] Dude,
get away from my car.

[all yelling]

- Hush, ma'am.
- [man speaking Spanish]

Stop! Stop! Stop!

I have mace. It's
somewhere in here.

Hey, sir.

Stop,
or I will shoot you with mace.

I will shoot you with mace.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[Mia] We're not
involved with this guy.

[man 2] Absolutely not.

You hit my car with a gum bear.

Let's just get out of here.

Well, it was my fault.

I don't want the dude to kill
each other over a gummy bear.

Kill him? It's just mace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,
no, no, no. Back to you!

You hit my car with a gum bear.

Is that what you do?
Is that how you live?

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Hey! What're your names?

[Mia] Let's just
get out of here.

- [Jamie] Sorry. - What?

- Never mind. Sorry.
- [man 2 indistinct]

What're your names?

I'm a renter in
this neighborhood.

Oh,
don't walk away holding hands.

Great. Nice to meet you.

- [siren wailing] - Damn
it. Happy Fourth of July.

Why is the gate open? Here.

Whoa. Hey. Spread
those big old legs.

- [Scotty] What's up?
- [Jamie] What's up, man?

Did you leave the gate open
or someone else do that?

Yeah. I don't want to keep
running down there to unlock it.

The reason I gave you the keys is
so randoms don't come off the street.

I mean,
not to sound like a dick or whatever,

but I'm just saying,
like... do you see the dude?

I don't wanna look
at him too much,

but do you see the dude
on the steps or whatever?

Did you let him in or is
he a friend or something?

He just showed up, I don't know.

- [Jamie] Do you know him? - Oh.

Hey, little red riding hood.

He doesn't look like
someone I would know.

[Mia] He's creeping
everybody out.

[Jamie] Yeah.

I think you need
to ask him to leave.

You're gonna ask a
homeless guy to leave?

- That's kinda...
- No one said he's homeless.

Just politely ask him to leave.

OK, yeah. I mean, I will.

- Just give him a burger.
- [Scotty] Yeah.

I'm not giving him
a fucking burger.

He might be a vegetarian.

Yes, he might be. OK, all right.

- This is fucking awkward.
- He's probably used to it.

I don't think a homeless
guy can even be a vegetarian.

[fireworks exploding]

Hey, you 18?

[fireworks popping]

Are you buddies with the owner?

No.

You rolled in with a...

with a crew?

A crew? No.

I don't know,
friends or whatever.

No.

Just rolled in. Just cruised up.

It sounds, uh...

I don't know. I don't wanna
be a dick or whatever, but um...

And this sounds dickish,

but it's kinda like
a private event.

I mean,
I don't wanna make a big deal out of it.

Uh-huh.

But like, you're like lightweight
creeping out some of the girls.

- Huh? - Not just the girls.

I'm what?

Don't act like you don't know.

Like,
you keep talking to the girls that go by,

like saying, like,
hollering at them or whatever.

- It's cool.
- The thing is, it's not cool.

I mean,
I don't know. It really wouldn't matter,

but, like, I know that you're
making people uncomfortable.

You know,
you're making me uncomfortable right now.

Well, then,
the feeling's mutual.

Like, so, then,
maybe it's time to roll out.

Go ahead.

I'm not gonna leave,
I live here.

- Nice place. - Thank you.

Check it out, you can just take
whatever beer you got and just roll out.

Like,
you've already made out OK.

Do you want a burger?

You got a burger?

No,
we're not gonna give you a burger.

Look, you already got,
like, three beers

and however many you
drank before I got here.

Is she invited?

Yes she was,
that's my girlfriend.

How about that one?

The one over
there in the t-shirt.

Why is there no music?

Wait here.

Oh, shit.

Fuck.

This is fucking bullshit,
dude. OK, like, give me the iPod.

I don't have your fucking iPod.

I don't have your fucking iPod,
man.

I've been through bullshit today,
dude. Give me the fucking iPod.

What the fuck is that?

It's my fucking iPhone, man.

Is it OK for me to have this
here? Is that all right with you?

I know everybody else
here is either a friend

or a friend of a friend.

You've already admitted
to being a fucking random.

I'm not trying to be an ass.

Fuck being an asshole.
Fuck you. Give me the iPod.

Fuck you.

Just don't be an asshole.

Just give me the fucking iPad.

What is it, an iPod or iPad?

It's an iPod, my bad.

I don't run a
fucking Genius Bar.

Give me my iProduct.

Are you hard of hearing?

Would you like me to sign it?

Do you... Do you have your...

[audio book narrator]
Hill repeatedly requested

that Lee set up
a court of inquiry.

But the commanding general...

Do you have the iPod? Where's
the iPod that was here for the party?

I have it right here.

[Jamie] Jesus Christ.
There's a fucking...

Fucking idiot.

I don't know
what's with that guy.

He's been just strange.

All right, my bad. Yes.

I told you I didn't
have your fucking iPod.

How's that supposed
to make me feel?

I'm here,
I'm just drinking a beer. I'm chilling.

You come here and say, "Oh man,
you got my fucking iPod."

I'm sorry about that.

I don't fucking believe you.

OK. Well, then,
don't believe me.

Take it for what it is. I am sorry
about accusing you about that.

But in general, though.

In general? What? Fuck you.

In general,
this has already gotten...

Wait, hold on.

In general,
this has already gotten awkward.

I'm leaving.

- I think it's time to leave.
- But not because of you.

OK, great.

What a bunch of
hipster douchebags.

Jesus Christ.

Not cool.

Private party.
Jesus fucking Christ.

Oh, what the fuck?

Hey,
do you want me to go or not?

It's a fucking prison here.

Attica! Attica!

[man shouting]

Hang on. Hang on. Chill out,
dude. It locks.

[man] Jesus Christ,
you want me to go?

Yes, it locks from the inside.

[man] What am I, under arrest?

No,
I just gotta get the key out.

Do you have the keys?
I don't have my car keys.

[man banging] Come on, let's go.

Oh, come on, man.

My country tis of thee.

- [Jamie] Chill out, dude.
- You chill, man.

Open the fucking door.

- I am. Voila.
- Jesus Christ, man.

Don't forget to recycle.

Awesome, thank you very much.

Douchebag.

What's up? My name is Patrick.

[man] What the fuck
is this? Jesus Christ.

- What the fuck is this?
- That's my lighter fluid, dude.

Oh, yeah,
you say I stole your lighter fluid now?

You didn't steal it,
that dude did.

- [man] You're a fucking asshole.
- Get away from the car.

I'm not an asshole. You're
the fucking dickweed, dude.

[Patrick] You need gum or water?

Patrick. Fuck you, dude.

Fucking dickhead. Sucks.

That was that fucking dickhead,
Patrick, driving.

That Uber dude I
was telling you about.

I know.

I don't think that
guy's homeless.

Bullshit.

Fucking Jenny's here.

Hey.

Did you get my text?

- I already fed the cats.
- You're having a party?

It's more of a get together.

Derek knows you're
having a party?

I'm having a get together. I
don't know why it's a big deal.

So you can go tattle tale or
whatever to fucking Derek.

I'm gonna feed the cats, OK?

I already fed the cats. You
don't need to worry about that.

Still don't need
your permission.

You kinda do! Technically or whatever,
like yeah.

Technically,
wouldn't you pay rent?

I already have
one fucking freak.

- Never mind.
- Oh, I'm sorry. OK.

Oh, wow.

I will feed the cats.

Thank you for your
permission. It was amazing.

I already fed the cat.

[Jenny] Feeding the cats,
thanks.

How many cheeseburgers are left?

[Scotty] Well, not this one.

Well, this is awesome.

[Jamie] Yeah. Of course
there's no burgers left now.

There's, like,
three-fourths of one.

[Jamie] That's all salmonellaed.

- [Scotty] I think that's a bun.
- [Jamie] Oh, it is just a bun.

Yeah,
I got big-ass fucking tray of meat

that I was, like,
so hyped to eat.

Fucking bike is, like,
fucking fucked the fuck up.

Your bike is destroyed.

Your bike is fucking destroyed.

Just let me tell
him what happened.

[Jenny] I have no idea, it's...

Like,
I don't know. It's like a Twizzler.

Is that Derek?

There's not a... There's
not even one wheel

that's not... Currently
there anymore.

Let me tell him what happened.

I didn't fuck it up myself.

- Steven is gone.
- The cat's coming back.

Like,
he's hid under the house before.

Some idiot at the party let him out,
I guess.

Just let me talk to him.

Derek wants to talk to you.

OK, well, let me talk to him.

- On your phone. - OK, whatever.

Is he gonna call me?

Do you wanna call him?

He's in...

Oh, he's calling you now? OK,
I love you.

Hello? Hey, dude.

No!

Look dude,
I'm sorry about the bike. It's my bad, man.

Look, man, I'll pay for the bike
when the check comes, man.

Look, the cat will come back.

Normally he just hides under the house,
man.

Hey, Derek,
tell him about how you don't like him.

Remember how you're
always talking about

how you don't like him?

You can't just kick someone out,
man.

I paid for, like,
nine months of rent up until

when the fucking
check didn't come.

That's like some home
owners rental law shit.

You can't just kick someone out.

You need to give them,
like, 60 days or something.

I don't know. I read some
shit about it on Facebook.

- Oh, my God.
- Look, dude, you can't...

Yes, he can.

This is straight up bullshit,
dude.

It's, like,
if you're kicking a homeless man...

- You're a homeless man.
- I'm not a homeless man.

[talking over each other]

[Jamie] Be quiet, dude.

Look,

if this is gonna be as
extreme as kicking me out

it should be as extreme as,
like,

Jenny should have
to pay rent herself.

She's here, like,
every fucking night.

- Yeah, you should pay.
- I should fucking pay rent?

If I'm getting kicked out,
you should pay rent!

You don't even fucking pay rent.

You don't pay rent and
I'm gonna fucking pay?

You didn't let me give keys to Mia,
but you let Jenny have keys.

- This is bullshit, man.
- [Jenny] Oh, my God!

You're homeless. You're
a fucking homeless dude.

Fuck you! Fuck Jenny, dude.

You guys can eat a fucking dick.

You should be the
one who moves out.

[phone ringing]

[Jenny] Oh, my God.

Hello?

No,
I was... When did it cut out?

No. I was...

What I was saying was,

you're the one
being unreasonable

and, like,
if you're gonna kick me out, like,

- Jenny should pay rent.
- I'm not paying rent. What the...

You know what,
man? Fuck it. You win, dude.

All right, I'll move out.

[Mikey] Anyone wanna
see some cool shit?

I'm gonna... I'm gonna
blow up these fireworks.

[fireworks popping]

[car alarm beeping]

[helicopter whizzing]

There's, like,
one more thing of tools.

- This is kinda heavy.
- [Mia] Cool.

Oh, shit, whoa, whoa, Steve.

Fuck.

- Found the cat.
- Oh, cool. Is he OK?

Yeah,
he looks OK. He just looks dirty.

Where have you been, dude?

Well.

Yeah, buddy,
you get to live here again.

I don't.

Thanks to a dickhead
that came to the party.

And thanks to Jenny.

So make sure to go ahead and
piss on some of Jenny's stuff for me.

[keys jangling]

Bye, apartment.

I put him inside.

There's still food out
so he should be fine.

All right, here we go.

Oh, shit.

I think I got the check.

[Mia] Really?

Yeah,
now that it's fucking pointless.

Well, I guess now you can
use it for rent at my place.

- Let's see how much it is.
- [envelope rustling]

Goddamn it, open the fuck up.

Fuck yeah.

- Awesome. - [Mia] Cool.

Better late than never.

It came just in time to
fuck up my whole life.

So, that's awesome.

[keys jangling]

Now,
at least I won't piss off your landlord.

[laughing]

[Mia] Did you remember to
leave the keys in the mailbox

for Jenny and Derek?

[Jamie] No,
I'll just drop them off later.

Oh shit! Look, look, look!

Yep, that's the one.

See the way it's got the
testicles? That's the road rage guy.

[Mia] Why would you
put that on your car?

I'm gonna get out and get
a photo of his license plate.

If you see him, just yell.

Hurry up.

You know what? Fuck this,
I got an idea.

Can you just get in the
driver's seat real quick?

Just get ready to go.

Yes.

[car alarm honking]

* Bust your face
Like a big boy *

* Through that rip
You're talking sick *

* Keep talking trash
I'm gonna split that lip *

* Stretch your
face Into tiny bits *

* I don't give a fuck

[car alarm honking]

Charge!

[guns firing]

[groans]

You can't scratch your nose,
you're dead.

- Sorry.
- You can't talk either.

You're making us
look like assholes.

[screaming] Oh, my God!

Ew, ew, ew! Oh,
my God. It is... Oh!

That is fucking... Oh,
my God. Oh...