That Night (2022) - full transcript

[♪]

-[birds chirping]
-[dog barking]

[inhales]

Let me ask you a question.

Yeah?

You got 20 minutes till
the end of the world,

you smokin' weed
or you clappin' cheeks?

Mmm, do I get to
pick whoever I want?

No, no, 'cause then everyone
would just pick Kylie Jenner.

It's gotta be someone
you've already had sex with.

Then I'm probably
fuckin', yeah.



Smart choice.
-[joint sizzles]

Thank you.

Hey, did that Lisa Brodeur lady

ever get back to you about
the designs you sent her?

No, I don't even think it
made it past her manager, so.

Well, and then
fuck Lisa Brodeur,

and fuck her manager!

They don't know shit.

I mean, it's possible that
my work actually sucks, but...

One day, she's gonna see
everybody wearing your stuff.

She's gonna say to herself,

"I missed out on a good bitch".

Right.
Yeah, we'll go with that.

So what time we are going
to Schmidt's tonight?



I get off at nine.

Okay, and what's
gonna be your approach?

-My approach for...
-Okay, don't play dumb.

Like you don't know you're
gonna see Lily tonight?

I don't care if
I see Lily tonight.

Yeah, and my dick
is 22 inches long.

Let me ask you this, man.

Why do you care if
I see Lily tonight?

I don't care.

All I'm sayin,

is you and her breakin'
up was the best thing

that has ever happened to you.

Yeah, and that's why
she's dating some other guy.

See?
It worked out.

Yeah, the guy with
the receding hairline,

why do you think she's
not bringin' him tonight?

How do you know she's
not bringing him tonight?

Because she knows
that you're gonna be there.

Touché.

Look, man, I have
to get to work.

So I'll see you
later on tonight.

Okay, I'll see ya.

[door closes]

This isn't right.
I look like dog shit.

Well, it's a little long,

but what were you thinking?

Do you see how my ass looks?

I said I wanted to
look like Halle Berry!

Well, I'm...

She's not a plastic surgeon.

You do have a flat ass.

Well, it's your fault!

Everyone on your side of
the family has a pancake ass!

-Well, what about Aunt Ruth?
-She's obese!

How 'bout I make
some alterations,

and I'll call you
when it's done?

I guess
I don't have a choice.

Oh!

Oof.

I'm gonna put itching
powder in her dress
when she comes back.

[chuckles]

-Try anthrax.
-[scoffs]

Are you leaving soon?

Three minutes.

Are you going
to Derek's party?

Wasn't planning on it.

You should go with me.

Mmm, I actually have something
else planned for tonight.

[scoffs] What do
you have planned?

Going to the city
with some friends.

How about you go to
Derek's party first?

[laughs nervously] As much
as I would like to get drunk

and make out with you,

I won't have the time.

Well, what if I went with you?

Did you just invite yourself?

[chuckles]

I know we're not
technically dating,

but I wanted
to see you tonight.

I mean, that'd be nice,

but look, I'm going
with some friends.

My friends, in
particular, are...

[exhales loudly]
Trust me,

you just won't have as much
fun as you think you will.

You don't want me to
meet your friends, do you?

No!

No, I'm...

You just don't get it.

Look, trust me,

my friends are
a different breed of crazy.

Hey, Lily!
It's nice to see you.

I know it's been a while,
but you look amazing,

and did you maybe wanna
catch up some time, or...

♪ Pick up the phone ♪
[cell phone buzzing]

-♪ Pick up the phone ♪
-Fuck!

♪ You got hoes calling ♪

-Yeah, yeah, I'm on the way.
-One last thing, though,

we gotta give Luke a ride.

No, we don't have
time to pick him up.

Relax, dude.
I think I see him

pulling up right now.
Yeah, he's almost here.

-All right,
I'm gonna get gas--
-[phone beeps off]

-[cell phone buzzing]
-[mumbles softly]

Hey, man, you almost here?
Supposed to be here
15 minutes ago.

My stomach hurts.
Did you tell Stacey
about the ring?

No, Schmidt told me
not to tell anybody,

so I didn't tell anybody.

I'm a man of my word, okay?

All right, man,
I'm on my way.

-Yo, what's up, man?
-Yo, you guys on your way?

Yeah, we'll be leaving soon.
I'm just getting some gas
right now.

Who's all there?

Yeah, Andrea's here, Aylin,
Andrea's friend, Bridgette,

and Lily's on her way.

Okay, cool.

Hey, man, I know you're
excited about seeing Lily,

but can you try to keep
the drama to a minimum?

Because I have some news.

-Hey, have you seen my heels?
-What?

I'm just talking to Stacey.

Yeah, I didn't ask who
you were on the phone with,

-I asked if you've see my heels?
-Oh, sorry.

Yeah, no, I haven't seen them.

Why are you acting like that?

You know what, babe?
I haven't had my One-A-Day yet,

and you know I get weird when
I haven't had my vitamins.

-[Stacey] What?
-Whatever!

-Hello?
-[footsteps departing]

Schmidt? Hello?

-Yo, I'm gonna
propose to Andrea.
-When, tonight?

Yeah, tonight.
Just get here quick, man.

-[car engine revs]
-[tires squealing]

[Joey] Stacey's
talking out of his ass

because he's nervous
about seeing Lily tonight.

Yo, yo, yo, I thought
she was dating that dude

with the fucked up hairline?

Mm-mmm, not tonight.

Okay! Jackpot!

Man, all right, all right,
all right, don't encourage.

Hey, my dude,
can you turn over here?

-Why?
-It's G-14 classified, buddy.

If we're picking up drugs,
I don't want nothing
to do with that.

Tell him.

I don't know if
we have a choice.

Man, Schmidt's
proposing tonight, man.

Damn!

I know.

-You know?
-Yeah.

Did he tell you that
we had to pick the ring up
from my cousin?

Why do we have to pick
up from your cousin?

Is he a manager at Zales?

My cousin, T-Dawg, remember?

T-Dawg?

We're getting the ring
from T-Dawg?

This is the same T-Dawg
that doesn't believe

that the Holocaust happened?

[Joey] Well, he also sells
stolen shopping carts, too.

[Luke] Man, if y'all
wanna be so damn scary,

I'll just go in
there by myself, man.

It's gonna be
another 40 minutes.

40 minutes?

Man, I got the homies
downstairs.

We got shit to do, man!

-I got plans!
-It's Scene It night.

He's taking a bath.

He always takes a bath
on Scene It night.

He takes it very seriously.

I don't give a fuck about
none of that truthfully.

I'm about to go upstairs
my damn self and get him,

-'cause y'all playin'.
-No, no, no, no!

You'll mess up his ritual.

I'll see what I can do, G!

I don't give a damn
about no damn ritual.

[sighs]

And he got
all these damn books!

He can't even read.

-[chuckles] Okay, T-Dawg!
-[pills rattling]

One for my troubles,
you won't mind.

[footsteps descending]

He's gonna be mad at you.

[footsteps clomping]

Cuz, you couldn't
wait another 40 minutes
till I finish my bath?

I got the homies downstairs.
We got shit to do!

Now I gotta start all over.

The quicker you
give me this ring,

the quicker I can go.

You feel me?

Well, when you
put it like that,

you make me feel
like a bad cousin.

[snaps fingers]
Carla, give me that ring.

-Huh?
-Ring!

But you gave
this ring to me.

Girl, I'll get
you another one.

You can get it
off your finger.

Stop pretending.

-[ring clanks]
-Sorry, Cuz.

We doin' Scene It night
at a friends house later.

Viciously high stakes.

You should slide by.

I don't think
I'll have time, bruh.

Are you sure?

We doin' Nickelodeon
Scene It, Disney Scene It,

regular Scene It.

We got Scene It
everything, pimpin'.

I'm gonna let you

know if I got time, pimpin'.

Okay, we always
lookin' for new players.

Thank you, man.

This is gonna mean
a lot to my homeboy,

for real, for real, bro.
You don't know.

Don't mention it.
Next time,

you coming to Scene It night.

All right, man.

Get your ass outta here.

[fist taps]

[pills rattling]

Hey, hey, baby!
Don't eat those.

-Why not?
-Those are laxatives.

Then why the fuck does
it say Molly Percocet?

'Cause whoever
been stealing my shit

gonna be in a world of shit!

[Luke] I gotta take a shit.

What, couldn't take
a shit at T-Dawg's?

I didn't have to go then!

-Stacey, drive faster.
-[Luke's stomach gurgling]

[groans] Man, I need
your ass to pull over

-or something, man.
Oh, my god!
-[farts loudly]

-What are you gonna do,
shit on the road?
-[straining] Oh, my god!

-[farts]
I can't hold this shit no more.
-What the fuck you doing?

-I can't, oh, my God!
-Dude, not in my car!

It's too late for that.

[Luke groans]

-Oh, shit!
-What, you couldn't hold it?

-[Luke groans]
-[Joey whimpers]

Oh, my!

[Luke exhales]

Man, that shit was
like LeBron, man.

You know, like when he
coming down the middle,

you can't stop that
motherfucker, man.

Oh, my God, Luke!
Why do you gotta fuck
everything up, man?

-Oh, shit!
-All right, well, look,

someone I work with is
having a party tonight.

You know,
he lives nearby here.

He might have some
clothes for you.

[Luke] Stacey, man,
I could kiss your ass.

[Stacey groans]

[Stacey] All right, Luke,
we're gonna go inside.
Just stay in here.

Yeah. Don't even worry
about it fellas.

I'm gonna hold
the fort down.

Yeah, I bet you are.
While you're at it,

clean the fucking
backseat of my car, man.

Duh, motherfucker!

Oh, God!

So your friend
shit in your car...

-[laughs]
-and you came here?

I know, I know.
I'm sorry, man.

It's a lot to ask for,

but we really didn't
have any other options.

Look, man,
it would just mean a lot
if you could help us out.

Yeah. So I'll get
some cleaning supplies,

and maybe like a blanket

or towels for your seat?

He's gonna need some clothes.

Oh!

Do you think
my clothes will fit him?

-I don't know, man.
-Yeah, should work.

[Derek] All right, well,
you guys go enjoy the party.

-I'll bring
everything out to him.
-You sure?

Yeah, yeah,
go talk to Carolina.

-Wait, who is Carolina?
-Don't worry about.

Ohh, that's what
I'm talkin' about!
Hit it and get it!

Y'all gonna lose some
money up in here.

[rap music plays]

All right.
Let's get in and out.

The place has more wieners
than an Oscar Mayer factory.

-Hey, Schmidt's calling.
-Okay.

[bottles clanking]

Hey! Hold up!

Hey, man. What's up?

Yo, where the fuck
are you guys?

-We got held up.
-When are you gonna get here?

Dude, I think
she's on to me.

I know. Just relax, man.
We'll be there soon.

All right.
See you soon.

Hey!

Thought you had plans?

Yeah, I did.
What's in your cup?

Have some.

-Whoa, take it easy.
-Oh, sorry.

I just...
I needed that.

[scoffs] Does that
mean you're gonna stay
and get drunk with me?

I'd like to,
but I actually have to--

I have to leave soon.

You know, I'm not
gonna chase you forever.

I know.
It's just--

it's not that
I don't like you.

It's just, I actually
like you, you know, a lot,

but, it's just, I...

I've got some clean
pants and blankets.

And more importantly,
I've got some pants,

'cause I heard that you
might've shit in yours.

Who the fuck are you?

[stammers]
I'm the guy with the pants
and the blankets, man.

The fuck is you
smiling for, bruh?
Give me the pants!

[chuckles]
I'm just a happy guy.
Here's the pants.

Blankets are going through
the window as well.

But one thing about these is--

so my uncle,
his name's Jerry.

He's really talented
with, like, sewing.

[hits keys]

Never had one lesson.

I've always wanted
to learn how to play.

Yeah, I started
when I was about five.

Wrote my first
symphony around six.

Toured around Europe,
played for the king.

Sounds a lot like
the life of Mozart.

Mozart took lessons.

Joey's self-taught.

[giggles]

I think my boyfriend's here.

So you like me enough to hook
up with me but not date me?

[laughs nervously]

I mean, would--

What? I mean, would you
want to date someone

that like, still thinks
about their ex?

-[scoffs]
-Hmm?

No, I guess not.

But everybody's got
baggage from their past
relationships and--

Hey, Luke finished
wiping his ass. Let's go.

I have to go.

Well...

-Hold on.
-What?

I'll wait for you,
but not forever.

-Who is that?
-No one!

-Is that Carolina?
-No.

-Wait, you want to stay?
-No!

[traffic noise]

Well, he's all cleaned up.

Man, fuck all that, man!

These white ass Bob the Builder
ass pants, man!

Come on,
they don't look that bad.

-I mean, if you cuff 'em...
-Cuff 'em?

[Stacey]
They'll look fantastic!

Man, this shit
ain't my style, man!

It's your style tonight,
Playboy.

Man, ain't this
about a bitch, man?!

-You gonna get in or what?
-Fuck y'all, man.

-[Stacey] Finally!
-I'm gonna get fucked up.

Fellas, fellas, fellas
fellas, fellas, fellas.

I think it goes
without saying that,

if the conversation comes up,

I did not shit back
here, all right?

All right, well, it most
definitely happened, so...

If you gonna mention it,

at least tell people I got
QB sneaked, man, for real.

-Yeah, no problem.
-Just make sure you
have the ring, man.

Man, I got it, man!
Damn.

-Uh-oh.
-What?

Why did I just find dick
pills in my pants, man?

Like what's your homeboy on?

I mean, those might
help you if you're trying
to get laid tonight.

God knows you need it.

-Hah!
-[upbeat fanfare music]

[exhilarating music]

This better be legit.

Man, it's legit, my brother.

I'm gonna get it appraised.

[Luke]
Man, it's a steal, man.
Literally.

Anybody else think
this is a terrible idea?

When are you thinking
about doing it?

Maybe after a couple drinks.

Good old-fashioned
liquid courage.

-[all] Cheers!
-[glasses clanking]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

Hey, Stacey!

Hey, Andrea.
Where have you been?

Oh, me and the girls,
we're still getting ready.

But we wanted to talk
to you for a second.

Talk to me about what?

-Just follow me.
-Okay.

I think I know
what that's about.

[mumbles] I don't know.

Okay, Bridgette,
this is Stacey.

Stacey, this is Bridgette.

-Hi, Bridgette.
-Hi.

Very nice to meet you.

Likewise.

-Hi, Aylin.
-Fuck you, Stacey!

Yeah, thanks.

Uh, I thought Lily
was supposed to be here?

-Yeah, she's gonna
meet us later.
-That's cool.

-Ooh, I hope she's bringing
that guy she's seeing.
-Shut up, Aylin!

You know what?
I'm just going gonna, you know,
go back to the guys.

Oh, no, hold on.
I have to ask you something.

Schmidt, he's been
acting weird lately,

and I was wondering
if he's going to...

Is Schmidt going to what?

Is Schmidt going to propose?

Uh, I mean, I'm sure
he is eventually.

Yeah, but is he
gonna do it tonight?

-I don't know.
-Stacey, you've got
to tell me!

Look, I know your loyalty
lies with Schmidt,

but come on, how long
have we known each other?

Okay, so if he proposes
to you tonight,

would you say yes?

Of course I would say yes!

-Does that mean that he is?
-Fuck, man.

I mean, if he finds
out that I told you,

-then he's gonna kill me.
-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Stacey!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Okay, you can go now.
Oh, can you move?

I need to repaint my nails.
Should I change my outfit, too?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

All I'm saying,
is it's way more common
than you think, okay?

No, I'm pretty sure
that was embarrassing.

[chatter]

[R&B music]

-Uh-oh.
-[Luke stammers]

-Hi.
-Hello.

I'm Luke.

I'm Bridgette.

Damn!

I like them shoes.

Thank you.

I got a question
for you, though.

What is it?

Would you fuck your dad
to save his life?

-I mean, you've got to, right?
-[Bridgette chuckles]

Like, it's your old man.

Oh, man. You sound like
the next Victor Hugo,

the way you weave
those words.

I'm gonna go take
a shit in a real toilet.

[Bridgette] He asked me
if I would fuck my dad.

[girls chattering]

All right, ladies.
Touch of bullshit.

What are you doing?

Let's just say I found some
use for those dick pills.

Enjoy your jerk, my boy.

-[bell tings]
-[man] Green 87!

-[bodies thudding]
-[whistle trills]

Just make sure
our boy drinks it.

I didn't see a thing.

Thanks, Stacey.

Hey, so what do you think
of my friend, Bridgette?

Uh, I mean, I don't really
know her too well,

-but, I mean, she seems cool.
-You should go talk to her.

Eh, not really my type.

So you're holding
out for Lily?

So what, are you
gonna give me shit, too?

Sorry, Stacey,
but it's pretty obvious.

You know, I hope she
doesn't show up at this point.

Well, I think
she wants to see you

as much as you
want to see her.

Hey, I thought you said
you had some limes?

Oh, yeah, follow me.

[indistinct chatter]

She doesn't know I'm about
to propose, does she?

-She knows.
-How?

Look, you two have been
dating since the eighth grade

and now you live together.

I think she'll say yes, man.

-I'm not drunk enough yet.
-[chuckles]

Whoo, I'm feeling
fucked up.

Oh, yeah?
Well, here. Drink this.

Ah, thanks, buddy.
You're a gem.

Let me spin it
for you this way.

If you had to eat my ass
or suck on my toes,

now, which one
are you thinkin'?

Okay, but if I have to eat
your ass or suck on your toes,

then it would no longer become
a sexual act of pleasure.

Oh, my God!

Okay, Luke,
eat ass or suck toes?

Shit, I'd do both, man.

What you're saying
is like me saying just because
you'd fuck a girl in the ass

means that you'd fuck
a dude in the ass.

Oh, my God!
Okay, but if I'm fucking
a guy in the ass,

then I don't have the option
of fucking pussy, right?

Everything I say,
you try to twist it around

-so I look like an idiot!
-You don't need help from me.

Are you sure
you want to marry him?

Do you think Lily was actually
really serious about that guy?

I mean, she doesn't talk
about him much, so I doubt it.

I mean, I think you
should give it up 'cause
the love of your life

might be looking at
you right in the face
and you'd never even know.

Okay.

Yo, everyone,
Ubers are here.

Ahh!

Hey, let's finish our drinks,
man, before we leave.

It'll be here
when I get back.

[Bridgette] Do you
wanna show me that later,

like, after the first bar?

[chattering indistinctly]

All right, but should
we go to Old Crow or should
we go to Sluggers?

No, dude,
let's go to Sluggers.

Old Crow sucks balls.

[Stacey] So are you
gonna propose at this bar?

I don't know, man.

I'm gonna wait till
I'm less nervous.

You being nervous is your body
telling you "do not do it."

Man, fuck all that!
I know you better propose

after all that shit
we went through to get
that damn ring, dude.

[foreign accent]
Excuses me,

would you like me
to put on the porn?

I find that when I am nervous,
it helps me relax.

No, we don't want
to watch porn!

Well, if you do not mind,

I think
I shall watch some porn.

What the fuck? Yo!

-Sure.
-[woman moaning]

[Bridgette]
Where are we going?

-Sluggers.
-Oh.

If he proposes to you
in a smelly ass bar

in front of a bunch of drunk
people, you better say no.

He could propose to me
in a porta-potty

and I would say yes.

Did Schmidt's friend
say anything about me?

Stacey?

No, he's in love
with my cousin.

Oof, if Lily fucks him tonight,
she's dead to me.

She is not going to do that.
She's seeing that guy.

The balding one?

[Andrea] Well, yeah,
but he wears a hat.

There is a lot of
potential out here.

I told you, man, not tonight.

Oh, come on!
Don't leave me with Luke!

It's like he sprays on pussy
repellent every morning.

Besides, best way
to get back at Lily,
make her jealous.

Right! Yeah,
'cause that always works.

All right, I'm gonna
hit the dance floor,

and get my move on,
bring back some chicks.

[hip-hop music]

[bar patrons chattering]

So theoretically,
we could all be an atom
on someone's penis.

[chuckles]
Oh, hold on.

I gotta take this.
Business.

Hey, man, it's not really
a good time right now.

I'm having drinks with
a couple supermodels.

I'll sign the check.
Just send the papers.

Send 'em to my penthouse.
[chuckles]

No, you know what?
Mansion. [chuckles]

Nah, penthouse.
And honestly, don't call me

unless it's actually
important, okay?

Okay.

Penthouse?

Yeah, or the mansion,
and you guys can pick.

Well, which one
has the pool?

Well, before we get
too ahead of ourselves,

I wanted to tell you something
about my friend and I.

And to be honest,
it's really hard to be
truthful about this.

You can tell us anything.

Well, we suffer from PE.

What?

Premature ejaculation.
Yeah.

But don't be discouraged, okay?

I mean, we can still
really connect.

Oh, so sorry,
a friend's calling.

-I got to...
-Bye.

What the fuck was that?

I'm trying out
new material, okay?

-No, right, right, right.
-Get off my back.

-Let me get Luke
over here. Luke.
-No, don't.

Please, don't, okay?
Just look at him.

-I mean, he's pathetic.
-Right.

-Just stay here.
-Uh-huh.

-I'm gonna go get two more.
-Go get 'em, champ.

[bar patrons chattering]

[hip-hop music]

[dreamy music]

[hip-hop music]

[bar patrons chattering]

[water running]

-Towel?
-Thank you.

Cologne?

Yeah, I guess
it couldn't hurt.

[spritzing]

-Thanks.
-[cologne bottle clatters]

Yeah.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

[hip-hop music]

Yo! Why did you leave
me hanging like that?

That was my only shot!

Dude, I went to the bathroom.

I'm guessing you
know Lily's here?

Yeah, I know.

-What are you gonna say?
-I don't know.

All right.
Well, if you go over there,

make sure you have
a beer in your hand,

or you're gonna
accidentally grab her boobs.

Better yet, just grab
her boobs on accident.

I'm not trying
to play games with her.

I'm just trying to say hi.

Okay, I'm just
trying to help you out.

I'm going over there.
It's weird if I don't.

Just don't fuck it up
too bad.

[mocking]
"Just don't fuck
it up too bad."

[bar patrons chattering]

[hip-hop music continues]

Hi!

Schmidt, buy me another drink.

Now.

Hi, Lily.

Hi, Stacey.

Um...

really happy to see you.

Yeah? Why's that?

Well, I don't know.
I mean, you know,
it's been a while.

Well, there's a reason
why it's been a while.

Do you want me to just,
like, walk away?

No, Stacey, I'm kidding.

I'm happy to see you, too.

Well, that's good.

Thank you.

Regular or menthol?

Oh, man, I swore I'd quit,
but if you insist.

That'll be two dollars.

Uh, I don't have
any cash on me.

How's my credit
in this place?

If you don't have any money,
I want my cigarette back.

-I already put it in my mouth.
-I don't care! Give me!

Listen, man,
I don't mean to be rude,

but you never said
I had to pay for it.

It's customary!

All this fuss
over a cigarette?

-Do you want me to have
to kick your ass?
-Shit!

Then after med school,
I plan on moving to Arizona
with my sister.

Yeah? That sounds--

that sounds really cool.

So what have you been up to?

Well, I'm working part-time,

and I actually sent
in some of my work

to this pretty
well-known artist.

I'm waiting to hear
back from that.

And could be pretty hooch.

We need to go.
Security's coming after me.

-Hi, Joey!
-Hey!

What happened?

Well, the guy in the bathroom,

he's being a world-class
asshole!

What?
We can't take you anywhere.

-What did you do?
-He pulled a knife on me.

-Get his ass! Go!
-Stacey!

-Stacey! Fuck!
-Let's go.

[Joey] Hey!

I see your friends
are still idiots.

Ooh!

I almost forgot about how kind
and non-judgmental you are.

You think I'm gonna let
you flirt with me like that?

Aww, flirt with you?

I wouldn't dare.

Good, 'cause it wouldn't work.

I've got some new tricks that
you don't really know about.

I heard old dogs
can't learn new tricks?

Maybe you shouldn't believe
everything your friends
tell you.

If you're trying
to metaphorically

tell me that you've changed,

I'll need to see
it to believe it.

Hey, Lily,
the Ubers are here.

Are you going back
to their apartment?

I don't know, it's possible.

I'll see you there.

[Bridgette]
Wait, wait, the Ubers are here?

I wanna go to another bar!

No, we're going back
to my place first.

Oh, and it looks like
you were getting along

really well with Stacey.

You're not seriously
considering going back
to him, are you?

I just haven't seen him
in a long time, that's all.

I thought you were
seeing that bald guy?

He's not completely bald.

Well, it's okay.
He probably looks super good
with a hat.

So, how'd it go with Lily?

I saw you mackin'.

-No, we were just talkin'.
-Mmm.

That's why you
got that stupid ass
smile on your face.

[woman moaning]

What is up with our Uber
drivers watching porn?

[Joey]
What the hell?

[Schmidt]
What the fuck is that?

You guys want
me to turn it up?

-Uhh...
-You can turn it down.

Oohh!
I want another drink.

[girls chatting]

Where's Luke?

I don't know.

Well, he's definitely
not with a girl.
We can rule that out.

These motherfuckers
really ditched me, man?

[dog barks]

[pants heavily]

Abandoned dog?

You are cute though, huh?

You got a name,
little fella?

Let me see, let me see.

Snowball.

What are we about
to get into, huh?

Let's see if we can find
your owner, little guy.

Come on, come on!

What am I gonna
do with you, boy?

Aww, you're so cute!

I'm not even gonna
lie, you are cute.

Hey, where'd
you get that dog?

I found him, jackass!

Well, give him all back.

Man, how am I even supposed
to know this is your dog?

On his tag, Snowball's.

All right, man,
I believe you.

-Here.
-Thank you.

Damn, what the fuck?
Ahh, shit!

Are you all right, bruh?

You know,
it's been a long day,

but, you know,
thanks for asking.

Honestly, man, seriously.

I'm talking about
your head, motherfucker.

[winces sharply]
Damn, spicy.

Fell out of a window
a little tit ago.

[chuckles] Tit.

Wanna go to the hospital
or something, man?

Nah, I'll be good man.
I'll be good.

If it gets worse, I'll just rub
some piss on it.

America.

The saying is,
"Rub some dirt on it," fool!

I'm pretty sure I said
it right the first time.

Come on, man!
Trippin'.

You know what, man?
Here.

-Get the dog, man.
Here, here!
-Thank you.

So what's your name, partner?

Luke, man.

Wanna do me a flavor, Luke?

No, nope, nope, nope, nope!

Gotta go with my friends.

-Nope, nope.
-What friends?

I don't think
you got friends.

We don't see no friends.

We don't think you got friends.

I do got friends, dude.

So why are you out
here by yourself, weirdo?

Man, them motherfuckers
ditched me, man!

Yeah, right.

Man, what's the favor, bro?

What's the favor, man?

I need you
to drive me somewhere.

I don't even got a car,
so can't do it.

-Nope, nope, nope, I can't.
-Drive my car, numbnuts.

Man, why the hell you
just call me numbnuts, bro?

I'm expecting some
people at my casa soon.

If you drive me there,
give you $1,000.

You'll give me $1,000 if
I take your ass somewhere?

[stammers]
You got a hearing problem?

$1,000.

Look, man, you want
the money or not?

[uptempo music]

[Andrea]
Then 20 minutes later,

she was getting pushed out
on a wheelchair by security.

[Stacey] I should probably
go talk to her, man.

Hey, slow your
roll there, buddy.

Take a couple sips
of encouragement.

-Really?
-Come on!

Just a couple.
Just a couple.

Hey, Andrea,
your toilet's clogged.

What?

That's the spirit.

Ooh!

-Gee, thanks, man.
-Good luck.

Dead man walking.

A nice ass, though.

[Joey] You see Stacey
over there?

He's about to make
a fool of himself.

-How much you wanna bet...
-[Stacey sighs]

[indistinct background chatter]

Take a shot with me?

Yeah, sure.

-Thank you.
-[chuckles] No problem.

[indistinct chatter continues]

[glasses clank]

[mellow guitar music]

I like what you
did with your hair.

Really, or are you
just saying that?

I mean, you looked
good blonde, too.

But if you had horns,
you would still be the most

beautiful person
I've ever known.

You can't say stuff
like that to me.

Why, you have
someone else here

to say those things to you?

Maybe I do.

Well, where is he?

Oh, wait, no, is he looking
for his hairline?

That's mean.

But I see
you're keeping tabs on me.

Mmm, I mean, my friends
may have told me

that you were dating some
guy with a receding hairline,

and, yes, I was curious
if it was true.

Don't act like you
don't know who he is.

You went to high school
with him.

Plus, love doesn't
have a hairline.

Love?
Wow, that was fast!

[giggles softly]
I mean, no,

we've just gone out,
like, three times.

Good for him!
Yep, good for you.

Good for the both of you.

So have you been
seeing anyone?

No, no, no, actually,
I am--

I'm still holding out
for someone special.

-[mellow hip-hop music]
-[Lily laughs]

If you think I'm going
to believe

that you are some
born-again virgin,

than you must have more
brain damage than I expected.

[indistinct chatter]

I told myself I wasn't
gonna talk to you tonight.

No, that's all right,
I told myself the same,

but it didn't exactly go
as planned, though, did it?

[softly chuckles]

[Schmidt clears throat]

Excuse me, everyone.

I have an announcement.

Andrea, will you marry me?

Yes!

One million times, yes!

[Andrea squeals excitedly]

[Bridgette] Yay!

-Oh, my God!
-[Andrea squeals]

-I'm so happy for you!
-Oh, my God. Get a room.

-Yay!
-[Lily] Stacey.

will you get my phone?
I wanna take a picture.

-[Stacey] Yeah, where is it?
-It's in my purse.

-Where's your purse?
-[Lily] In Andrea's room.

Okay.

Oh, it's so good.

[chatter continues]

-[Andrea] I love you!
-Whoo!

[mellow rock music]

Dude, where the hell are you?
You missed Schmidt's proposal.

Man, I got caught
in some bullshit, man.

I'll be there soon enough.

Well, right now,
we're at Schmidt's,

but we're gonna go
to another bar soon.

Hey, man, don't even
worry about it, dawg,

'cause when your boy get
back, I got you, man!

So rock on me.
I got you!

All right, well,
I mean, do whatever,
and then hurry up, man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

is Joey walking around
hard yet?

Is Joey what?

I put those dick pills
in his drink, remember?

Oh, shit!

[spring boinging]

[audio rewinding]

-[man ] Green 87!
-[bodies thudding]

[audio fast-forwarding]

Oh, shit!
Well, that's not good.

-[footsteps approaching]
-Hey, what do you got there?

Oh, nothing.
It's just a purse.

-Whose purse is that?
-Lily's.

-She's gonna take a--
-Are you stealing?

-What? No!
-Oh...

[stammers] Were you just
jacking off in here?

What? No!

-Why does this
always happen to me?!
-What?

What's taking so long?

-What's going on in here?
-Nothing.

Take a look for yourself.
He was jacking off in here.

-What? No, I was not!
-Okay, uh-huh.

-You're a pig.
-What?

Lily?

Yo, what did you say to Lily?
She looks pissed.

-Whoa, dude,
put that thing away.
-I can't.

Wow, I mean, you know,
you'd think she'd be
impressed. [chuckles]

Schmidt!

All right, man,
tell me what happened.

What's the problem?

I accidentally
took dick pills.

-Accidentally?
-Yeah, accidentally, man!

Okay, look, Luke put dick
pills in Joey's drink,

and then I accidentally
took it.

QB sneak, classic.

Yeah, it is classic.
But then Bridgette walked in,

and then Lily walked in,

and now they both think
I was jerking off.

All right, all right, man.

I'll tell Andrea what happened,

and she'll smooth
the whole thing over.

In the meantime,
take a cold shower,

and I don't know,
look at pictures

of Kristen Stewart
to get soft,

'cause we're heading to
another bar soon, all right?

[Bridgette]
What, you expect us
to believe

he accidentally
took a dick pill?

Yeah, it's this thing
that they do.

They spike each other's
drinks as a prank.

Sorry about ruining
your night, man.

This is about you
and Andrea getting engaged,

not my fucking bullshit.

Oh, my God.
You guys make me sick.

Wait, does Schmidt
need dick pills?

-Bridgette!
-No.

-What? No, no, no, no.
-Stacey is like

a delicious bowl of ice cream,

and this other guy
she's with is like

a little cup of frozen yogurt.
Stacey tastes way better,

but that little cup
of frozen yogurt,
it's a lot healthier.

That made
zero fucking sense.

There is no test
that Stacey could pass

that would make a difference.

We are never getting
back together.

He's trying really hard, Lily.

I'm just gonna ignore her
for the rest of the night.

Yeah, good idea.
Wait for everything
to cool off.

I like where your
head's at, Lily.

Men are trash.

She's jealous.
That's gotta mean
something, right?

Okay, but if she really
wanted to just be with Stacey,

why would she be running
around with some guy

who smells like Rogaine.

Joey's just mad,
because no girl

has ever liked him
more than a couple hours.

All right, guys, what porn
you guys want me to put on?

I got donkey,
I got Asian midget,

I got big diabetes amputee,

I got gang bang grannies,
lactating mommies,

I got Siamese twins.

Double, double penetration!
[laughs maniacally]

-I'm overstimulated.
-Yeah, just let us out, man.

[loud music inside]

[indistinct chatter]

Dude, are you
gonna actually drink,

or are you just gonna
sit there sad all night?

I am drinking.

Oh, shit, she's coming.

Lily, hey.

Dude, you just gotta
forget her, please.

Just get a little
more swifty with me,

and I'll call some
chicks over, all right?

-Oh, my God!
-Carter?

What are you
guys doing tonight?

Schmidt and Andrea
got engaged.

How did he trick
her into that?

-I don't know.
-So what's up with you, man?

-You gonna drink
with us or what?
-Yeah, absolutely!

Order another round.
What is that, pink?

I'll take that.

I'm gonna go say
congratulations.

All right.

Excuse me.
Can we get three more
of these, please?

[Carter laughs]

[Carter continues laughing]

So what have you
been up to, man?
Working or...

Yeah, so I took some time off
after school, you know?

I went to Mexico
and really found myself.

I got Giardia.

And I don't know, dude.

The only thing I got out
of college was a drug habit.

[laughs] Beyond that,
I don't know what I'm doing.

All right, we got to do
something.

-You guys are depressing.
-Oh, wait a minute.

So you're not with
Lily anymore?

No, no, no, no,
we haven't been together
for a long time now.

My sister's back
in town from school

and she always had
a thing for you.

The fact that
you would let this

piece of shit
date your sister,

I mean, has never
made sense to me.

No, see, you don't
have a sister,

so you don't understand.
No matter what I do,

she's gonna be getting
railed by somebody.

It might as well be
one of my friends.

-[Joey] That's gross.
-Speaking of gross,

Aylin is looking
really good tonight.

Where is everyone?
I don't even see Schmidt
and Andrea.

I don't know.
Looks like they ditched us.

Well, we can go to my place.

I live like a five
minutes walk from here.

-Yes, let's do that!
-Yeah?

-Carter, is that you?
-Hey, yeah. [laughs]

Aylin, you know, I didn't
even know you were here.

[giggles]
Where is everyone?

They left,

'cause you're so painfully
unbearable to be around.

Hmm, not as painful
as those text messages
you sent me last night!

Yeah, he's just upset,
because I said that Stacey

could bang my sister
and he couldn't.

We're going to my place.
You wanna come?

-Yeah, that'd be fun.
-All right!

I have to go to
the bathroom first.

-So texts?
-She made it up.

-Yeah?
-She made it up.

Guys, it's me.
It's your buddy.

Who is she anyways to you?

-Your best friend or some--
-[horn honking]

[Carter] Lisa Brodeur
lives in this area.

You can just go to her house
and knock on the door.

Who's Lisa Brodeur.

She's the hottest
clothing designer right now.

She made that Kanye shirt
with the gophers on it.

And Stacey's idol.

Ooh, okay.

So wait, what did she say
when you sent stuff in?

It never made it
past her manager.

-Fuck her!
-Yeah, right?

Fuck her.

Do you make money
from your art?

-No. No, I don't.
-[Aylin scoffs]

Then why do you do it?

Why are you so annoying?

Lily won't get back
with you if you're broke.

I don't care.

-[laughs] Yeah, right.
-[laughs] Right.

[Joey] Come on, dude!

Okay, you guys got me
figured out, all right?

I love Lily!
You know, but just
because I lost her

doesn't mean I actually wanna
get back together with her.

-Nobody believes you.
-Geez, calm down.

We were having a conversation.

And, dude,
it's a little dramatic.

Hey, Carter, do you think
your mom made brownies?

Yeah!

You guys see that?

[Joey] See what?
What the fuck?

-Yeah.
-Let's go this way.

Yeah.

-Let's turn back.
-Yeah, it's cool.

[train clacking]

[Luke] Bro, what
the hell is going on?

Since you've
been so generous...

I'm a repay you

-with a performance...
-No, no, no, no, no.

-No, no, that's okay, bro.
-...of some unreleased music.

Yeah.

[exhales loudly]
So sit back, relax,

and please, no-zee pictures.

[sniffs loudly,
clears throat]

-You all ready?
-[sticks tapping]

♪ Shadow icons no more ♪

-♪ 3-1-2, put me on ♪
-Stop!

-Turn that shit off, man!
-♪ Shadow icons no more ♪

♪ I'm a star boy now ♪

♪ Shadow icons no more ♪

-[screams] Stop! Stop!
-♪ Way too gone ♪

♪ Way too faded ♪

Yo, dude,
what the fuck was that?

-I've never been so scared
in my entire life.
-Holy shit!

-[all panting]
-I think-- I think we need
to tell somebody.

You're right, you're right,

but first, let's see
if your mom made brownies.

Yeah, okay,
I can use a brownie.

A brownie?

Hey, Carter, can I use
your bathroom?

Yeah, last door on the left.

-[door creaks]
-Stacey?

Is that you?

Hi, Nicole.

What are you doing here?

I ran into Carter
at the bar.

Who else is here?

Just your brother and Joey.

-Oh, okay.
-Yeah, yeah.

-Come in.
-Oh, I don't know.

I kinda came to hang
out with Carter.

Only for a little bit.

Okay, fine.

[Joey]
Do you have any milk?

Yeah, but my mom
only has almond.

[Joey chuckles]

How do you milk an almond?

-Lasers.
-[chuckles] Lasers?

[Nicole] I used to have
the biggest crush on you.

I never said anything,
because you and Lily,

and I'm sure you
didn't notice me.

No, no, I-- I noticed you.

I was a disaster
back then. [giggles]

Well, I mean,
it was a while ago, so.

What are you
guys up to tonight?

Would you wanna
get a drink with me?

Um...

I had a crush on
you in high school.

Yeah, you're right,
I probably shouldn't
have said anything.

-It's okay.
-I'm just gonna go eat some
brownies with the guys.

Stacey, I'm majoring
in clinical psychology.

So tell me what's wrong.

[chuckles nervously] Yeah,
you don't really need a major

in clinical psychology
to tell me what's wrong.

Then talk to me.

Okay.

Well, in the matter
of a few hours,

I have managed to completely
ruin my chances with Lily,

and I've also come to realize,

that nearly everything
I've been working on

in my entire life has probably
been all for nothing.

[Nicole] I wouldn't say
it's been for nothing.

I work part-time
at a tuxedo shop.

Well...

If you can milk
an almond right now,

I'll milk you for a week.

I'll take you up on that.

I'm lonely and I've got
a lot of almonds.

-Oh, shit, my phone.
-[phone buzzing]

Hey, man, did Aylin
come in with us?

No, we outran her.

Shit, I think
we gotta go get her.

Why?

She left me, like,
35 voice messages.

I think she's still getting
chased by those people.

-Here.
-[finger taps]

[Aylin screams]

What am I supposed
to do about that?

Let's go.

We're gonna need some weapons.

Maybe you've just been
trying to do things your way,

and it's just time
for a change.

Nic, we need to borrow
your pepper spray.

-I don't have pepper spray.
-Aunt Vicky gave you some

after she got groped
at the Barnes & Noble.

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.

[Stacey] I'm sorry,
what's going on here?

Oh, we forgot about Aylin.

-I didn't forget about Aylin.
-Oh, shit, Aylin!

Thank you.

-All right, here we go!
-It was good seeing you again.

-Bye, Stacey.
-Hey, Nicole, it's getting
kinda late.

You look a little tired.
Maybe you need a cup of Joey?

-[Stacey mumbles]
-What?

[Aylin screaming]

[Stacey]
Try calling her again.

No, dude, it's just
going to voicemail.
I can't get her.

Well, hopefully
we're too late.

-[Aylin screams]
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Did you hear that?
-Let's go! Come on!

-Are you okay?
-Where the fuck
did you guys go?

-We've been looking for you.
-Bullshit!

-You better back up!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hey, hey, hold up,
or we will fuck you up!

Fucking spray him!

-How do you--
-Give me that!

-[pepper spray whooshing]
-[groaning]

-Yeah!
-Please, please stop!

[groaning]

-He's all right.
-What'd you guys do to Brent?

-She fucking maced me!
-What are you guys doing?

We're street performers, man.

We're fucking
street performers!

Street performers?
You guys are gonna
get killed.

Well, what did you
guys think of the show?

It sucked.
It fucking sucked!

I thought I was
gonna get gang raped!

You just don't understand.

They just don't get it.

They just don't get it, guys.

They just don't get it.

Let's go.

-Un-fucking-believable.
-Yeah, try some milk.

[Brent] They don't get it.

Come on, guys.

Let's get outta here.

[Carter]
I liked their jean jackets.

[Aylin]
I'm hungry.

♪ It's the weak man's soul ♪

♪ So baby, lay low ♪

♪ So baby, lay low ♪

♪ It's the weekend ♪

-♪ Go ♪
-Stop. Stop.

♪ Baby, lay low ♪

-♪ It's the weak man's soul ♪
-Stop!

-♪ Soul ♪
-Stop, stop, stop!

-Stop!
-♪ Soul, soul, soul ♪

-What's the matter, brother?
-Bruh, I just want
the money, bro.

-We're groovin'.
-Just give me the money, bro.

'Cause I have to go
see my homies, bro.

-Take five, I'll be back.
-Oh, my God, can you just go
give me the money, bro

[clears throat]
Look, my guy.

Drive me to my apartment,

and I'll make sure to get
you some cold, hard dinero.

I promise.

-Ain't this your place?
-[dog snarls]

Ugh. Oh, my God!

Ain't this your place?

You think I'd live in
a piece of shit like this?

-[clicks tongue]
-[dog snarls]

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, Snowball!

Geez.

Why'd you bring me here then?

Rehearsal!

Practice makes perfect,
my baby.

-[dog snarls]
-[mumbles]

-Man, is the money
at your house?
-Hey, hey, hey!

Yes, sir, and I live
right around the corner.

Oh, my!

Man, I'm not going
nowhere else. For real!

I'm not going nowhere else!

I wouldn't want it
any other way, my guy.

[uptempo music]

[Carter]
All right, so what's up?

You guys trying to go
to another bar?

No, I think
I'm done with bars.

-I think we're just
gonna head to Schmidt's.
-All right.

-I'll go to a bar with you.
-Okay.

Man, we should probably
get food for everybody else.

Get some cheese fries.

Ah, that sounds good!

I mean, even though we
just ate, but fuck it!

[Stacey clears throat]

-Stacey, don't be a--
-That's Lisa Brodeur.

[Joey] That is Lisa Brodeur.
Stacey, you gotta talk to her.

I mean, look, hey, if you
were getting food at three
o'clock in the morning,

you wouldn't want
anybody to annoy you.

-I'm not gonna go.
-Oh, you are a bitch.

She's the bridge
to your dreams, man.

You can't let her walk out
without talking to her.

I just--

look, I don't really want to.

It's three o'clock in
the morning, you know?

Maybe next time.
I'm gonna see Carter again.

Next time, right?
I'm gonna see you again.

What's gonna be
your excuse next time?

That's like Rihanna
wanting to give you a BJ,
and you saying no,

'cause you're
playing hard to get.

[Carter] Yeah, dude, what's
the worst she could say?

-I'll go break the ice.
-No, no, no, no, it's--

I'll go.

-Go.
-No, I got it.

-It's fine.
-Good luck.

[Lisa] Yeah, I leave
about an hour ago.

I think Woodrow's watching
him while I go out of town.

-Yeah.
-Hey, what's up, man?
How you doing?

[Lisa] All right, I'll call
you in the morning.

Okay, bye.

-Hi.
-Hi!

You're Lisa Brodeur, right?

Yeah.
Wow, you must be a real fan
if you can recognize me?

Oh, you wouldn't believe!
I love everything that you do.

Oh, and you have great taste.

Well...

[laughs]
What's your name?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Stacey.

-Hi, Stacey.
-It's nice to meet you.

-It was so nice to meet you.
-Yeah, likewise.

Nice to meet you, too.

Wait.
I'm sorry, excuse me.

I'm actually also an artist,

and I wanna do what
you do one day.

-Oh.
-So...

-If you have the time, I--
-Yeah, let me

put you in touch
with my manager.

He actually vets
everyone for me.

-Let me just--
-I actually...

I'm sorry.

I have sent
some of my work to

-your manager already.
-Oh!

Okay, well, if it
was really that good,

he would've sent
your work to me,

but keep trying, and--

sorry, I have to take
this, but good luck.

You're right.

Thank you.

[LIsa] Hello?

What?!

What you mean you lost him?

-So how'd it go?
-What she'd say?

That I sucked.

What the hell does that mean?

[Joey] She really said that?
I'm gonna go out there

and push that bitch
in front of a bus.

[Aylin]
You're really maturing.

It doesn't matter.

Okay, I just--
I just wanna get outta here.

Do you think I'm past
the point of no return?

In what way?

You know,
in regards to my career.

You know, like,
is it too late for me
to go back to school

and get a real job?

Some would say you can
go to school whenever,

but as your best friend,
school's for losers.

But I mean, more people
need to start liking my work,

other than my friends,
of course.

Stop stressing
about that, man.

It'll happen eventually.

Right now, let's just focus
on getting to Schmidt's,

smoking a big, fat bazooka
blunt and watching Rush Hour.

-You think Lily is still there?
-Oh, my God!

What is it with
the self-sabotage theme?

First, Schmidt, now you?

Schmidt proposing to
Andrea isn't self-sabotage.

Are you gonna propose to Lily?

And if I did?

I'd have to kill you.
Right there on the spot.

Look, man,
I'm not gonna propose,

-but I am in love with her.
-Why?

I mean, dude,
she doesn't love you.

I mean, she's fucking guys
in hair loss infomercials.

Look, I didn't choose to
be in love with Lily, okay?

No matter what I do,
wherever I fucking go,

I'm always
drawn to her, and...

I think it's time
I stop fighting it.

Okay, you know, we just
need to find you a new chick.

Why does people being
in love make you so angry?

Because why would someone

with their whole
life ahead of them

take an oath to have
sex with one person

for the rest of their life?

I mean, look at divorce rates.
I'm not that crazy.

Have you ever thought that maybe
for Schmidt and Andrea,

they don't wanna live
the rest of their lives

if it's not with each other?

No, I haven't.

No, you haven't.

And even if you are right,
and they do get divorced,

you can't tell me that
Schmidt's not in love
with Andrea right now.

Okay, I can't
personally relate,

but I get your point.

And if you wanna fuck up
your whole life with Lily,

I'll still be your best friend.

I'm just glad that I'm smart
enough to know a scam

when I see one.

One day, I'm gonna be
the best man at your wedding.

When that happens,
you can set my balls on fire.

Dude, where the fuck are we?

You wanna call an Uber?

-[laughs] No.
-Yeah, you're right, no.

All right, I'll look
up some directions.

Here, let me ask this rat
for some directions.

Hey, little buddy,

can you point us in
the direction of some
big booty bitches?

[wheelchair creaking]

You can't trust rats!
They're all liars!

Holy fuck!

But I can take ya there.

-[laughs]
-We're fine.

-[continues laughing]
-We're fine.

-Goodnight!
-[laughter echoing]

[door creaks open]

When I get nervous,
my toes shake.

But take a seat, man.

Make yourself at home.

-Get comfortable, you know?
-As fun as that sounds,

I'm gonna do the opposite, bro.

I'm here to get my cash,
bro, for real.

Yeah, man, this is
my better half right here.

What happened to your head?

Fell climbing
out of a window earlier.

-Just business.
-And who the fuck is this?

I don't remember his name.
I just...

I found him with no friends.

It's Luke, motherfucker,
and I do have friends.

Sure. Anyway, what did you
do with the car? Did you get
rid of it?

-Where is it?
-We left it outside.

You drove a stolen car here?

You know how much heat
that's gonna get us in?

Nah, baby.
Had him driving.

Bruh, I know damn well you did
not just have me driving
a fucking stolen car?

-The fuck is wrong with you?
-I knew you'd understand.

Bro, you a filthy
motherfucker, bro!

I oughta knock your ass out!

Don't talk to my husband
like that, Buster Brown!

Nah, baby, it's cool.
It's cool.

He's had a rough night.
Let's get this guy his money.

GO get dinero and...

-Six, nine, six, nine.
-[safe beeping]

[safe chiming]

You're breaking into
my merch money, too.

I ain't too happy about it.

Stressing me out
and making my toe shake.

Give me my money, bro.

Got me feeling
weird in my own shoes.

Thank you for doing me
a favor, you know?

All right, man.
[clears throat]

I guess I'll call this
the first payment,

but I gotta do laundry.

Bro? Two dollars, bro?

Gah!

I gotta do laundry, bro.
I gotta do laundry.

Two fucking dollars, bro?

You just had me listening
to that whack ass band,

and all you give me
is two fucking dollars?

Hey, you a ungrateful
piece of shit!

That's what you are!

-[laughs] Whoo!
-[coughs]

Fuck both of you
motherfuckers, truthfully!

No, fuck you
and that little ass dog.

Bitch, ain't this supposed
to be your dog?

Nah, I stole that dog.

-Man!
-That's where you went today?

Yeah, I was thinking,
instead of stealing all
these flat screen TVs,

take these cute pets
for ransom, you know?

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, they should
be calling any minute.

What did the ransom note say?

[paper crinkling]

"Hey, fuckers,
I took your dog."

"I took your dog."

Yeah, I screwed
the pooch on this one.

I appreciate
the effort, mm-hmm,

but next time,

stick to stealing
jewelry and DVD players!

So what do we do
with the dog?

We gotta destroy
the evidence.

Hey, hell no, bro.
Y'all did a lot of wild shit,

but that's where
I cross the fucking line.

Give me the dog.
It's my dog, Snowball.

-Back your ass back, bro.
-[video game sound effect]

Man, I've been
waiting for this shit.

Honey, grab my samurai sword!

[all yelling indistinctly]

[Luke] Bitch!
-[groans]

Had me driving a fucking stolen
motherfucking car, bro?

-I'll beat your ass.
-Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Give me the dog and I
won't chop your ass up

like a California roll.

Man, if you don't back
your Kill Bill ass back,

I swear I'll call the cops.

What do you want me to do?

I don't know.
He's got you in a tough
spot, babe.

-You want me to kill him?
-Not really.

'Cause I'll kill his ass!

Yo, yo, yo, yo!
What the fuck going
on in here?

This son of a bitch is trying
to ruin Scene It night!

So you decided to come
to Scene It night, huh?

You know him?

That's my cousin, dumb ass!

T-Dawg, these motherfuckers
are trying to kill a dog, bro.

Why the fuck y'all
trying to kill a dog?

That's fucked up.
He's so cute!

Look at his little face.

Cuz, so you staying
for Scene It night?

Hell, no!

I gotta drop
my homie off, man.
I'm out!

Hold up, hold up, bro.

Next time,
you staying for sure.

Now, get your ass
outta here, boy.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm winning Scene It night.
Y'all about to go down

faster than Michael Jackson
on a nine-year-old!

[man] Nah.

We gonna take you home
little boy, yes we are.

[Joey chuckles]

[Stacey] Luke?

-Yo, What's good, homies?
-Oh, my God!

-Where the hell you been?
-What? Who's dog?

Man, I don't even know, man.

What are you even
doing with this dog, man?

Long story, bruh.

We just gotta take
him home, man.

-Well, fuck it, let's go.
-All right, let's go.

Hey, bud, can I get
something to eat, though?

Oh, my god.

I mean,
it's for everybody else.

-Man, fuck them people, man!
-All right.

All right, all right,
you can have this.

We'll go and we'll grab
something else.

-[upbeat music]
-So what do you wanna do?

I don't know.
What were you thinking?

I mean, we could
go to another bar.

I don't know.
I'm just-- I'm kinda good
with hanging here.

[Bridgette retching]

Let's go to another bar.

-Yeah, let's just stay here.
-Yeah.

Look, it's your new neighbor,
Snowball.

I don't think
anyone's gonna be up, man.

Nah, forget that.
If they not, they gonna be
up tonight.

[knocking on door]

Let's just drop the dog
and leave.

-Ah, forget all that.
-[pounding on door]

I think they heard you
the first time.

[knocking on door]

Oh, my God, Snowball!

Oh, thank you so much.
Where did you find him?

You don't even wanna
know, truthfully.

Thank you.

Hello, Miss Brodeur.
Stacey again.

Did you guys steal my dog?

What?
No, no, I promise!

This is just like
a freak occurrence.

Well, how do y'all two
even know each other?

This is Lisa Brodeur.

-Lisa-Lisa?
-Yep.

Lisa-Lisa?

Lisa! You Lisa?

-This is Lisa?
-Yeah.

Oh, Lisa!
Oh, my!

My boy's in love
with you, girl!

Girl, can you please
look at my boy's stuff?
Come on.

Oh, he's better
than Michelangelo,
Picasso, Donatello,

Rafael,
da Vinci, all of those.

I'm telling you, Lisa!

Can you please look
out for my boy?

Like, I'm telling
you, he's better--

he's the best
artist you've seen.

Can you please look at him?
Please?

-Oh, you Lisa!
-So like I told Stacey,

my manager vets
everyone for me,

and he might be
a shitty dog sitter,

but he has a great
eye for talent.

And if your work is as good
as you think it is,

he'll send it to me, okay?
So...

When was the last time your
manager sent you any work?

Well, I've been
really busy lately.

So you're telling me
he may have sent you his work,

and you just
haven't seen it yet?

I mean, I guess
that's possible.

Lisa, my girl,

my homie,

can you please,
please, please, please,

do this one favor for us,

and go look for my
boy's stuff, please?

Guys, it's late, okay?

Please, Ms. Brodeur.

I mean, if your manager hasn't
sent you any of my work,

we'll leave right away.

You got your dog back,

but can you
at least check, please?

Okay, fine.
Just wait here.

-[door shuts]
-Fuck, yes!

[indistinct chattering]

[screen whooshing]

Man, where the fuck
is your girl at, man?

It's almost four o'clock
in the morning.

Dude, I don't know.
It's not my house.

-[door opens]
-You guys are in luck.

My manager sent me your work.

But I am only doing this
because you found my dog.

You're right, that's fine.

Fair enough.

All right, just follow my lead.

I know how to handle
these types.

Okay.

Snowball must have
had a crazy night.

He went right to sleep.

I hope you guys like whiskey.

Oh, we love it.

One might even call
us connoisseurs.

Oh, okay, great,

then you're gonna
love this stuff.

Should we cheers?

To persistence.

[glasses clanking]

[Joey moans]

[coughs and retches]

A little too strong for you?

Sorry, I'm just used
to top shelf stuff.

I see.

I'm sorry, we didn't really
get a proper introduction.

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Joey.

I'm Stacey's manager.

And this is Luke,
our assistant.

And they're also
my best friends.

Well, you're lucky
to have such loyal friends.

So Lisa, my friend asked me
a funny question the other day,

-and I wanted to get
your take on it.
-Okay.

So you got one inch
of your penis in your mom

right in front of you,

and then you got one
inch of your dad's penis

coming up from behind.

Which way are you moving?

-I don't have a dick, so...
-Dude, what the fuck?

I'm sorry,
he's a little drunk.

Why don't I just get
the work that you sent
and we'll look through it?

That sounds great.

Are you gonna fuck this up?

I got her right
where I want her.

-What?
-Hey, stupid.

Don't shit else
until we leave.

-[liquid trickling]
-Okay.

Let's open it up.

[pages rustling]

Wow, I think this is the one.

Yeah, that's actually
my favorite, too.

I really like it.

Thank you.

Oh, did you
want another one?

Oh, always.

[cork squeaks]

-[liquid sloshing]
-Thanks.

[bottle clanks]

Okay.

-So...
-[Joey coughs]

-You good?
-Never been better.

Hey, Stacey,
can I show you something?

-Yeah, yeah, sure.
-Follow me.

Hey, where's your bathroom?

-It's right over there.
-Okay.

-You're not
gonna puke, are you?
-No, I'm not gonna puke.

'Cause my cleaning lady
was just here this morning,

and if you puke,
I'll be pissed.

I'm not gonna puke.

Um, can I ask
where we're going?

We're going
to my private studio

where I get most
of my work done.

Awesome!

[Joey retching]

Luke, I need your help.

Nope, I ain't helping shit.

Nope, nope, nope!

Please,
I can't do this alone.

[Luke grunts angrily]

What the fuck
did you do, bro?

You better not fuck
this lady house up.

Oh, shit!
Bro, what?

[Stacey] This is amazing.

[Lisa] If this place
was burning down,

this is the only thing
I'd risk my life to save.

You know, I've studied
almost everything

you have ever done,

but I've never seen this.

Oh, I'd never sell this.

Why not?

You know, you remind me
of this painting.

What do you mean by that?

This was the first painting
that I showed to executives,

and artists
and everybody told me no.

If it wasn't for this
painting getting rejected,

I wouldn't be
where I am today.

I bet the people who said no
are probably pretty pissed.

I hope so.

But if everyone
says no, then what?

You're an artist.

Stay true to your ideas
and success will come.

[Luke]
Bro, look what the fuck you
just did to this rug, man!

You fucked it up, man!
What we gonna do?

Just get rid of it, okay?
Just...

-What the fuck?
-[window squeaks]

Bro, I know you're not
about to throw it.

[Luke speaks indistinctly]

[Joey] Fuck!

-Where are your friends?
-[Joey] Fuck!

Well, is it clean?

-What?
-You got a little bit right-

-What?
-[Lisa] Where are your friends?

Guys?

-[toilet flushing]
-That shit is stinky.

[Lisa] Why were you in
the bathroom together?

It's a red spot on my wiener
I needed help with.

You puked in there,
didn't you?

We cleaned it up, though.

Sorry.

As long as you didn't ruin
my grandmother's rug.

The rug in the bathroom?

Yes, the rug
in the bathroom!

Is your grandma still alive
to make you a new one?

No!

Any more whiskey?

Oh, my God.

Hey, are you okay?

What?

Yeah.

Is it about Stacey?

No, it's nothing.

I'm fine.

You should invite that guy.

Just drop it, guys.

-My boyfriend's
gonna be here soon.
-Okay.

[Joey] I guess it's
true what they say, huh?

-Huh?
-What's that?

All celebrities are assholes.

She's like a D-list
celebrity at best.

She was pretty nice,
considering what you did.

She'll probably never
talk to me again,

but at least I know my work
doesn't completely suck.

[Luke]
Finally, Schmidt's place, man.

[Joey] Dude, is that guy
peeing on your car?

-Hey, hey!
-What the fuck?

Fuck!

[Luke] Get your dumb
ass outta here, man.

-[man] Take it easy, dude.
-Stupid!

Oh, I don't blame him.
It is a PT Cruiser

-that's already been shit in.
-Fuck you!

[Luke laughs]

What the fuck you laughing at?
It's your shit!

That was an accident man.

[Andrea]
You guys brought food!

Did you guys see
my boyfriend out there?

-What?
-Who?

-My boyfriend!
-I don't even know your name.

[Bridgette groans]

[Andrea]
Hey, is Aylin with you guys?

No, she's actually
with Carter at a bar.

[Bridgette whimpers]

[feet clomping]

What are you
looking for out there?

[Bridgette] My boyfriend
said he was gonna be here
five minutes ago.

-[Andrea] It's okay.
-Hey!

[both laughing]

Hey, man,
you'll get them next time.

Wait, no, no, no, no!

Please tell me
your secret, man.

-[Luke laughs]
-You wanna know my secret?

I got you.
I'll tell my secret.

[laughs] Yeah.

Hey, has Luke told you how
he actually took a shit

in the backseat of my car
on the way here?

-[laughs] What?
-Nah, that was QB sneak, man.

Okay, okay, guys!
I'm starting to freak out!

Has anybody
seen my boyfriend?

No one gives a fuck!

Here, let's go outside.
We'll go look for him, okay?

Schmidt, let's go.
Schmidt, let's go.

-Fine, fine, fine, fine.
-Schmidt, let's go.

-Man, shut up.
-[Luke chuckles]

I had no idea, yeah.

Don't even think about it.

Too late.

[clears throat, sniffs]

-Hey!
-What?

Oh, what,
we can't be friendly?

[sighs softly]
Maybe that's the problem.

Maybe you're too friendly?

Isn't that why we broke up,
one girl wasn't enough?

Oh, my God!
Lily, look, I don't know what
you want from me anymore.

If it's easier
for you just to hate me,
then just fucking hate me.

-All right then. It's settled.
-I don't care anymore.

It's okay. Oh, my God.

-Who is this guy?
-It's Bridgette's boyfriend.

Okay, well,
what is he doing here?

He got mugged!

Wait, hold it,
that's them!

It was them!
They're the ones
who attacked me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait a second.

Excuse me, sir, but you
were pissing on my car.

You guys attacked
my boyfriend?

Okay, this dickhead was
on pissing on Stacey's car,

so we threw a couple
hotdogs at him.

Dude, you literally
threw it at my face!

Okay, we should've done
a lot worse.

What kind of people are you?!

They are savages.

Excuse me, it's not completely
fair to call us savages.

This guy was pissing
on my fucking car!

Okay, that is not a reason
to attack somebody!

Are you gonna
kick them out or I'm gonna
press charges?

Whoa, look!

It seems like it was
just an accident, all right?

Let's just forget
about it, okay?

Besides, didn't you say Luke
shit in your car earlier?

Hey, man,
this ain't got shit to do
with me right now, man.

[Bridgette] Okay, you guys
owe us an apology!

Here's an apology for you.
Your boyfriend pissed on my car.

You drive a PT Cruiser,

Get a car wash and move on.

Excuse me,
why are you talking?

You have nothing
to do with this.

[Bridgette]
You guys, he's really hurt!

Oh, my god!
We barely did anything.

He's just being a pussy.

Why do you act like
you're still in high school?

Why are you still
talking to me?

Why are you such an asshole?

Okay, we're leaving
and I'm gonna call my lawyers!

Come on, babe.

Thank God
that bitch is going.
She's so annoying.

Hey, where do you
keep your weed?

-I got you, man. Come on.
-[Luke] Finally.

[Schmidt] What do you guys
wanna smoke out of?
I can go get my bong.

[Joey] I don't wanna wait
30 minutes for you to clean
your dirty ass bong.

Let's just smoke a blunt.

Andrea...

so I'm sorry
I ruined your night.

You didn't ruin my night,

but you might ruin
it for yourself.

Look, I probably shouldn't
tell you this,

but she still has
feelings for you.

Yeah, but it's the type of
feelings that's the issue.

Go talk to her.

Why?
I mean, I don't even know why
I should bother anymore?

'Cause you two have built up

whatever it is
towards each other.

And look,
you're Schmidt's best friend,

she's my cousin,

this is not gonna
be the last time

you guys are in
the same room together.

I mean, I just--

I don't think that she even
wants to talk to me right now.

[sighs softly] She's in there
waiting for you.

And realistically, Stacey,

how much worse can it get?

Yeah.
That's easy for you to say.

You mind if I take a seat?

Well, I'm just gonna
sit down.

You know, it's not exactly
easy for me to see you

and know what the right
thing to say is, right?

What?

Guarantee it's not as hard
for you as it is for me.

If I could go back in time
and make things different,

hell, better, I would.

I spent so much time
thinking about the bad times

that I'm starting to
forget about the good ones.

Maybe there weren't
too many good ones then?

No, I didn't mean it like--

-you know how much--
-It's all good.

It's okay.

It's okay.

You don't have to explain.

I want you to do it.

Do what?

I wanna see if
you can still do it.

Hmm.

You know, I've never
been wrong before, right?

It's been a while.

All right.
[clears throat]

[hands slapping]

Which one hurt the most?

This one.

Okay.

-How about now?
-This one.

Okay.

Do you remember
the shapes to pick from?

Circle, triangle, or square?

And do you have the shape
in your head right now?

Yes.

Circle.

Was I right?

Maybe.

[exhales loudly]
You smell that?

It's the smell
of sweet victory!

[laughs] Shut up!

What if we did
get back together?

Oh, the entire
universe would explode.

Like I'm talking everything
gone, nothing left,

reverse Big Bang and all.

Reverse Big Bang?

Yeah.

[scoffs]
No wonder you failed science.

But seriously,
you used to say that,

if you ever got married,

the only way it would
happen is if it were to me.

I was drunk
and definitely horny.

That's probably what
you told your friends,

but I know you meant it.

You know, they probably think
we're in here having sex.

I mean, that's not completely
out of bounds, is it?

[scoffs] I have been
teaching self-defense

for two semesters.

I dare you to try something.

I've been taking TaeKwonDo
at Bally Total Fitness.

Really?
How's that going for you?

Yellow belt.

Moving up very, very quickly.

[Lily laughs]

Yeah, they're just gonna have
me skip all the other belts,

-and just go straight
to instructor.
-Are they?

Yep, I'm gonna
be teaching that

roundhouse
Patrick Swayze style.

-[no audible dialogue]
-[mellow music]

[music continues]

[snoring loudly]

Wake up!

Come on, get off!

Morning, guys.

Are you trying to get
out of here now or what?

What time is it?

Six.

I guess it's as good
as time as any, huh?

By the way,
you two looked adorable.

[Luke] Shut up!

Here, let me drive.

So you were in
the same bed as her,

but you didn't have sex?

-Correct.
-Your dick probably
thinks you're dead.

-Probably.
-That does not sound
like the Stacey I know.

Bro, you waited so long
for your shot,

and you blew it.

I mean, you missed
a wide open layup.

-Well, I don't play
basketball, so...
-Dumb!

-[cell phone buzzing]
-Oh, shit, hang on.

Hello?

[Lisa]
Hi, is this Stacey?

-Yeah, who is this?
-This is Lisa Brodeur.

Oh, Lisa!
Oh, hi, Miss Brodeur.

How are you?

The more I look at your work,
the more I love it.

Thank you. That--
honestly, that means a lot.

In fact, I love
it so much that

I'm gonna ask you
to come work for me.

Are you fucking serious?

I don't usually offer
positions to people

who show up at my house
at four in the morning drunk,

demanding that I see
their work,

but for you, it worked.

Well, yeah.
No, thank you.
That means--

thank you so much.
You have no idea
what this means.

Oh, and tell your friends,
they owe me a new fucking rug,

and I never want
to see them again.

[cell phone beeps]

What was that about?

That was Lisa Brodeur,

and she just offered me a job.

-What?
-No fucking way, bro!

-[chuckles] Yeah.
-Oh, my God, dude!
I knew it!

And you weren't gonna talk
to her unless I said something.

[rock music]

-What?
-[Luke] Let's go celebrate.

-I need you guys to get out.
-Is Applebee's still open?

Why the fuck would
you pick Applebee's?

What were you gonna pick,
Long John Silvers?

-You can't pick no more.
-I need you guys to get out.

-Talking about
Long John Silvers.
-Just get out! I got to go!

-Let's go to Applebee's.
-Fuck Applebee's!

-No.
-Just get out.

[car door slams]

Man, you think
you know a guy, huh?

You still want to go
to Applebee's?

[Lily] Absolutely.

-God!
-[Stacey] Lily?

-You need me to stay?
-No, I'm okay.

Thanks for the ride.

-Fuck you, Stacey!
-Oh.

So you weren't there
when I woke up.

Oh, well, you know,
I couldn't sleep.

So what are you doing
here now

at my house?

Okay.

Um, I came here
because if I didn't,

then I would regret it
for the rest of my life.

Lily, you're the last thing
I think about at night,

and the first thing
I think about when I wake up.

And I am insanely
in love with you.

And I would've married you
last night if I could have.

Look, I'm-- all right,
I'm not saying

that we should, like,
go off and go get married,

but can I take you
to breakfast?

Stacey, I would be lying

if I said I didn't think about
a future with us together,

but now is not the time.

You really like
this guy, don't you?

Maybe, or I at least need
to see where it goes.

But more importantly,
if I'm gonna settle down,

it needs to be with
someone who can commit.

And I know you
might say otherwise,

but I don't think
you're ready for that.

You should focus
on your career.

You have worked
so hard for it,

and one day it will pay off.

I promise, I don't care
about any of that.

I only care about you.

And I would give up
all of that.

I'm sorry, but I don't think
I'm ready to commit.

It's okay, honestly.
No need to apologize.

No harm, no foul, right?

Guess I'll see you around.

Hold on. Stacey?

This might sound selfish,

but if you truly love me
as much as I think you do,

then don't ever stop.

Not sure I could if I tried.

Another thing.

Is that breakfast offer
still on the table?

I'm starving. [laughs]

Of course it is.
Should've known.

[Lily laughs]

But only as friends.

Don't try any of that
cute stuff on me.

-Watch your step.
It's a little steep.
-Oh, thank you.

-Yeah, no problem.
-[Lily giggles]

It's got
quite the horsepower.

[Lily] When did you
start driving this?

[Stacey]
I don't want to talk about it.

[Lily laughs]

♪ The days feel short
And the night's
Feeling longer ♪

♪ But keep your head high
Because you got a lot
To offer ♪

♪ Take a step back
You've gotta think
About it long term ♪

♪ We got one life, treasure it
Don't make the wrong turn ♪

♪ The days feel short and
The night's feeling longer ♪

♪ But keep your head high ♪

♪ Because you've
Got a lot to offer
Take a step back ♪

♪ You've gotta think about it
Long term ♪

♪ We got one life
Treasure it ♪

♪ Don't make the wrong turn
Days feel short ♪

♪ And the night's
Feeling longer ♪

♪ Kinda hard to grow ♪

♪ When the emotion's
Getting stronger ♪

♪ Struggling to hang and hold
My head above the water ♪

♪ But each and every stroke
I see horizons getting broader
♪

♪ Going through the motions
Ain't the way ♪

♪ That ain't the way
Get me out of this place ♪

♪ Woke up in outer space
Throat's kinda sore ♪

♪ If that's what it takes
I wish I could restart it ♪

♪ Get my pain erased
I digress anyway, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, I gotta
keep it pushing ♪

♪ It a strange, strange place ♪

♪ Take a breath and calm down ♪

♪ We in the same damn lane ♪

♪ Know it's easy
To be caught up ♪

♪ With the same damn thing ♪

♪ Take a gamble, roll the dice
♪

♪ Because your conscious
A device ♪

♪ A spirit too in tune
With life ♪

♪ We going the same
Damn way, yeah ♪

♪ We going the same
Damn way, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ We going the same
Damn way, yeah ♪

♪ But the days feel short and
The night's feeling longer ♪

♪ Keep your head high because
You've got a lot to offer ♪

♪ Take a step back ♪

♪ You've gotta think
About it long term ♪

♪ We got one life
Treasure it ♪

♪ Don't make the wrong turn ♪

♪ Days feel short and the
Night's feeling longer ♪

♪ Keep your head high 'cause
You got a lot to offer ♪

♪ Take a step back ♪

♪ You've gotta think
About it long term ♪

♪ We got one life
Treasure it ♪

♪ Don't make the wrong turn ♪

♪ Why these people
Hating on me? ♪

♪ On the daily trying to grow ♪

♪ They wanna bring
Some pain upon me ♪

♪ Rather see me six feet deep
Than living lavishly ♪

♪ Lately low-key I've been
Trapped inside my brain ♪

♪ Whole life was theory broski
♪

♪ Listen closely
Broken down and tell a story ♪

♪ Is it 'cause
I failed so many times? ♪

♪ Is it 'cause
I failed so many times? ♪

♪ I don't know but I'm gonna go
You know I'm pushing limits ♪

♪ Trying to make
A Tesla model X with pieces
From a Civic ♪

♪ I wish I could
Recreate the past
But this life I'm living ♪

♪ Palms together,
Trying to make a way
Forgive me for my sinning ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm living with myself
I swear I try but I can't
Sleep at night ♪

♪ Demons in my ear
They trying to tell me
In won't be all right ♪

♪ I'll just take a breather
Keep it pushing ♪

♪ It'll be all right
Yeah, it'll be all right ♪

♪ Yeah, it'll be all right
I'll just take a breather ♪

♪ Keep it pushing
It'll be all right ♪

♪ Yeah, it'll be all right
Yeah, it'll be all right ♪

♪ Days feel short, and the
Night's feeling longer ♪

♪ But keep your head high
Because you've got
A lot to offer ♪

♪ Take a step back
You've gotta think about it
Long term ♪

♪ We got one life
Treasure it don't make
The wrong turn ♪

♪ The days feel short and
The night's feelin' longer ♪

♪ But keep your head high
Because you've got
A lot to offer ♪

♪ Take a step back
You've gotta think about it
Long term ♪

♪ We got one life
Treasure it don't make
The wrong turn ♪

[music continues]

[people laughing,
chattering indistinctly]

[music continues]

[music fades]