That Funny Feeling (1965) - full transcript

** [ Big Band Jazz ]

[ Man ]
* There is an air about her

* Something
so square about her *

* That makes you
care about her *

* More than you should

* First that funny feeling,
then the warm comes on *

* That dull familiar lull
before the storm comes on *

* The inconceivable

* Becomes achievable

* It's unbelievable

* What you can do



* When that funny feeling
touches you *

* And she has got
that funny feeling too *

* That funny feeling that puts
such demands on you *

* Better never let her
get her hands on you *

* The inconceivable

* Becomes achievable

* It's unbelievable

* What you can do

* Once that funny feeling
touches you *

* And she has got that
funny feeling too **

[ Man Narrating ]
Our solar system
is composed of nine planets,

31 moons,
thousands of minor planets,

scores of comets
and millions of meteors.

Each of these heavenly bodies
moves in its orbit...



Quietly, majestically,
without incident.

This is the planet Earth.

Its occupants also move
in a daily orbit,

but unlike nature,
their course is not
quite so regular,

so quiet, so majestic.

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Yelps ]

Well!
I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.
Are you all right?

You might watch
where you're walking.

Absolutely stupid of me.
Please forgive me.

Uh, send me a bill
for... for the cleaning
of the dress, huh?

Uh, can I get you a cab?
No.

Are you sure you're all right?

- I will be just fine.
Never mind.
- But...

It's a good thing I wasn't
bending over, fixing a run
in my stocking, ain't it?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Officer.
My eyes were on that girl.

Well, just screw 'em
back in your head
and keep moving.

Yes, sir.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Barks ]
[ Screams ]

Hey!

That wasn't very nice.

And how come you got
such a slob for a roommate?

Just look at this place.
Yes.

[ Sighs ]

Clara?
Joan Howell.

Any calls?

Oh? Tomorrow night?
Auditioning for what?

Japanese governess?

Oh, well.
I've had sukiyaki once.
[ Chuckles ]

Yeah. Okay. Bye-bye.

[ Dog Panting ]
[ Sighs ]

[ Whines ]

[ Heavy Japanese Accent ]
Honorable master,

please forgive unworthy
governess for unhappy news.

Honorable son refuse depart
"telewision"...

for honorable bath.

[ Whines ]

[ Scoffs ]
Everybody's a critic.

Morning.

Hello, honey.

Good morning, Mr. Milford.
Mr. Granson has been
looking for you.

I'm thrilled.
And a Miss Stevens
has been calling.

Mm-hmm. Do me a favor
and ring my apartment,
will ya?

Miss Stevens was wondering
if you'd found a contact lens...

in your bedroom.

Well, don't look at me that way.

I mean, I can't help it
if Miss Stevens happens
to have long eyeballs.

Hello. Mr. Milford here.
I was... What's that?

[ Heavy Japanese Accent ]
I say "herro,"
Mr. Mifor-san.

Uh, yeah. Listen.
I forgot to take the dog
for a walk this morning.

Would you be so kind
as to take him around
the block for me?

- Uh, once should be enough.
- My pleasure, Mr. Mifor-san.
Good-bye.

[ Heavy Japanese Accent ]
Thank you very much,
Miss Honey.

Morning, Harve.

Boy, we sure missed you
at the party last night.
It was a beaut.

Yeah. I didn't finish
with my wife's lawyers
till after midnight.

You mean you and Leona
still can't agree
on a settlement?

Oh, yeah. She wants to split
everything down the middle...
including my head.

Well, she can't split
what she can't find,
can she?

Now I'm not proud
of that maneuver.

I'm an honest man,
and here I am hiding
my art collection with you,

my boat's
in my brother's dock
in Florida,

my securities are
in a bank in Geneva.

I've got more locations
than the A&P.

Well, you're the guy
that wanted to get married.

I told you, take up something
like parachute jumping
or alligator wrestling.

All right, all right.

Look. I'm due
out in Los Angeles
on that movie deal.

You know, the one where we're
gonna novelize their features.
Mm-hmm.

I'd like you to go out there
for me. Figure on about 10 days.
Sure.

Here's some correspondence
and contracts.

I'll talk to you about it
in the morning
before you take off.

In the morning?
Yeah, in the morning.

What's the...
What's the problem?

Well, that's... that's
rushing things a little bit,
don't you think?

Uh, I mean, uh,
I gotta pack. I gotta
get the dog to the kennel.

Besides, I was planning
a wingding tonight.

You wingdinged last night.

Well, you see, this is
the anniversary of the unveiling
of the Statue of Liberty,

78 years ago today.

I, uh, can't let it pass
without observing it.

Mm-hmm. You never let
anything pass unobserved.

Last week you celebrated
Chinese New Year,
and Ruby Foo you are not.

Harve, all men are my brothers,

and we are all part of
that great fraternity
known as mankind.

And whatever rejoices
my neighbor rejoices me.

Oh, please.
I just had my breakfast.

My place, 9:00 tonight?

What's on the stove?
Statue of Liberty.

Crazy.
I knew you were patriotic.

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

Okay. I'm comin'.

Good morning,
Mr. Milford.
Good morning, Scruggs.

Hi there, Spike.

Listen.
I've got to go...

I say, I've got to go away
for 10 days.

Make sure that
he gets no horsemeat, huh?

We know Spike.
Strictly beef and kibble.

Have a good trip, sir.
Thank you.

Come on, Spike.

[ Grunts ]

Good boy.

Poor maid.

What a terrible thing to do
to a nice, old Japanese lady.

[ Alarm Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Man ]
I heard you! I heard you!

[ Ringing Stops ]

You know, we ought to
invest in an alarm clock
one of these days.

Why blow three bucks
when he gets up when we do?

'Cause I think when a girl
reaches maturity,

she should surround herself
with certain niceties,
like her own alarm clock.

Bring one more thing
into this room, and we'll
have to knock out a wall.

[ Man Gargling ]

[ Sighs ]
Hark. The sound
of the thrush awakes me.

Mine eyes open
to the splendor of my abode.

[ Man Coughs ]
Yech.
[ Hawking, Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

If the wheels
on these beds ever jam,

we're trapped here for life.

[ Groans ]

[ Shower Running ]

[ Man ]
* I dream of Jeanie
with the light brown hair *

A case of laryngitis.
Is that too much to ask for?
* Borne like a vapor

* On the summer air

* I see her tripping
where the bright
streams play *

Turn it off a minute, will ya?

Luther, I said turn it off!

[ Luther ]
Okay, okay, okay!
I heard ya. I heard ya.

"I heard ya. I heard ya."
Harvard man.
Magna cum loudmouth.

Okay, okay, okay!
Take it away!

Ah, what a glorious morning.

The hyacinths
will be plentiful this summer.

Did you tell Flaccus
the gardener...

to turn the soil and nourish
those dear little roots?

[ English Accent ]
I'll tell him when
he comes up for the garbage.

And what are you having
with your coffee,
dear duchess?

Fruitcake,
like I have every morning.

Look. Can I get you down
off the chandelier
for a minute?

Okay. What is it?

How's about moving
out of this trap?

Where?
We'll take a day off
and we'll look.

I can't.
I've got an extra
apartment to clean.

I got two extra apartments
to clean, but this is
more important.

Really, doesn't this trap
ever get you down?

No, I don't really ever
think about it.

Nor do I think about
having to work as a maid.

We're trying to stake our way
into show business.

So the only important thing
right now is to save a buck.

But doesn't it bother you
what guys must think
when they take you home?

I never met one
that I was
that interested in.

Talk to a wall.

[ Knocks ]
Yeah.

It's me, Luther.

I smelled the coffee
through the walls.

What walls?

Sorry about the alarm clock.
I never hear it.

All I hear are
your shoes banging.

Mind if I have a cup of coffee?

Help yourself.
Oh, before I forget,

cannot make
the rehearsal tonight.

Gotta talk to a guy about a job.

Oh, congratulations.

It's an offer
for the summer... a barn.

Plainfield, New Jersey.

Oh, that's great. Grab it.
It's good experience.
All the big stars are doing it.

No, no. This guy is a farmer.
He wants me to work
in his barn.

[ Russian Accent ]
Ah, Prince Nicholas.

I am glad that you're back
from the Crimea.

Where the heck is the Crimea?

You pass it on the way
to Plainfield, New Jersey.

Oh!
[ Gasps ]

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Gee, please forgive me.
Are you all right?

Well, you ought to watch
where you put
that thing, lady.

I know. It's absolutely stupid
of me, but, gee, I am sorry.

A guy could break
every single bone in his...

Oh. Well, hello.
Hello.

You're the same girl
that was here yesterday.
Are you sure you're not hurt?

Who, me?
No, not a scratch.
Not a scratch.

Funny. Uh,
two days in a row.

Maybe we could get
the Red Cross to declare
this corner a disaster area.

Uh, as long as
we've bumped...

Uh, that girl...
She, uh, just took off.

What did you expect?
Mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation?

Yeah.

[ Heavy Japanese Accent ]
Good liddance to honorable
dlunk and rady chaser.

May the gleat bird
of passage deliver honorable
master to California...

with happy wind in tail.

[ Sighs ]

I was looking forward
to that trip to California.

Are you sure
Dunhill beat us out?

Well, Dunhill
called me himself. Hmm.

Had a good
three-minute gloat.

If I hadn't been so involved
with Leona's divorce,

I would have been out in L.A.
a week ago and had the deal
in my pocket.

You know, Harve,
I hate to see you
so hacked up.

I wish there was
something I could do.

Marry Leona.
Get me off the alimony hook.

That good a friend I'm not.

I'll give you three
of my Pirraux paintings
in your apartment.

- How much are they worth?
- $25,000 apiece.

I have to take Leona?
Yeah.

Forget it.

Fair-weather friend.

Oh, well.
Another audition
down the drain.

Hey, anybody want to share
a cab to the Village?

No, thanks.
I'm being picked up.
I gotta wait for my boyfriend.

Vickie and I are stopping
for coffee.
Okay.

You know, um,

I thought you had
the best dialect tonight.

Sorry you didn't get the part.

Oh, thank you,
and I'm sorry you didn't
get the part, Hitaki.

I mean, after all,
you are Japanese.

Taxi!

Um, if you have the best talent
and I have the best face, well,

what has she got?

As soon as you
walked on...
You were sensational!

Wasn't she just great?

The part!

[ Chattering ]

Washington Square.

[ Chattering ]

If you want to commit suicide,
why don't you jump off a bridge?

What's the matter with you, Mac?

- See this nut hit me?
- Don't be a wise guy.

[ Chattering Continues ]

You know, I get the funniest
feeling that somebody's trying
to tell us something.

Well, I hope we find out
what it is before
we kill each other.

Hey, I got a thought. Why don't
we duck into that bar and see if
we can't decipher the message?

All right.

[ Man ]
Don't you know signals?
I had my arm up.

Here, fellas. This ought to
straighten out the whole beef...
if a cop don't show up.

[ Chuckles ]

Here.

[ Mutters ]

[ Sighs ]
What'll it be?

Uh, ooh, something light.
Uh, quinine water
with just a drop of gin.

Vodka martini for me, please.

You know, we're gonna
have to come up with
some sort of a system,

because now
it's a matter of survival.

Well, why don't we check
itineraries each morning
so that we can avoid each other?

Well, I-I want to continue
to meet you,
but not head-on, you see.

Well, I'll tell you.
Let's divide the town in half.

You take the north, and I'll
take the south, and we can
talk across the border.

Well, before we get to strategy,

I think
a few vital statistics
are in order.

Now, you said
your name was Joan,
and I assume you're a model.

Mm-mmm.
What makes you assume that?

Well, that hatbox
is a dead giveaway.

Wrong.
Actress?

Well, I'm studying to be,
but that's not what I do
for a living.

Well, what do you do
for a living?

[ Chuckles ]
Uh, that's my secret.

Bet I can guess it.
Well, there's really no trick
to it if you try long enough.

Ten questions.

Okay, but, you know,
even if you do guess it,
I might not tell you.

Bartender, let me have
some swizzle sticks, please.

Mmm. No, I'd like 10 of them.
We're gonna play a game.

Thank you.

Uh, could I avail myself
of your services?

Mmm, yes.

Uh-huh. Is there any
special training required
for what you do?

Oh, very little.

Well, uh, could what you do
be done in a... in an office?

Mm-hmm.

An apartment?
Mostly.

No. No.

Are your clients
exclusively male?

Yes.
I see.

Uh, is a telephone
essential in your work?
Uh-huh. Very essential.

Would what you do
bring extra comfort
and happiness to me?

[ Joan ]
Well, I'd like
to think it would.

Are you in business
for yourself?

Oh, no. No, no.
I'm with an organized group.

Uh, you know,
you only have
two questions left.

Well, is there any risk
involved in what you do?

Oh, my goodness, yes.
Well, do you know that last week
a girl fell off the fireplace?

And you won't believe
what happened to me
not long ago.

The sofa caught fire.
Well, do you know that I just
got a broom,

beat it out,
and I went on as though
nothing had happened.

Wow.

Well, one last question.
Um...
Okay.

Do your clients have to be
present in order to avail
themselves of your services?

No.
Whew.

Well, that's a relief.
Well, what do you
mean by that?

Nothing. Nothing at all.
Forget it.

I'm sure whatever you do
you do very, very well.

Ooh, my goodness.
It's getting late.
I've gotta be going.

Well, I'll have you home
in no time. Check, please.
Oh, oh. Please don't bother.

You know,
it's really quite a ways.
Oh, it's no bother at all.

By the way,
I wish you a lot of luck
on your acting career.

You know, it's a very
difficult business.
[ Chuckles ] Don't I know.

The last job I had
was in a patriotic pageant.
It was six months ago.

Well, I performed before
14,000 men at a convention
in Atlantic City.

I even got nine curtain calls.

Wow.

Wow.

Hey, Charlie. You ever been
to one of them conventions
in Atlantic City?

Nope.
You know, I think
we're missing something.

Well, it's quite late,
and, really, I feel guilty about
taking you out of your way.

Well, how do you know
what my way is?

We might live right
next door to each other.

After all, I have seen you
up around 62nd Street.

Say, taxi!

- [ Whistles ]
- [ Engine Starts ]

Where to, folks?
62nd Street.

What did I tell ya?

So this cop kind of
looks at me nasty-like,

and he says, "It's a good thing
I wasn't bending down
fixing a run in my stocking."

Broke me up, I tell ya.
Which house, lady?

Oh. Uh, the one
right over there
by the fire hydrant.

Okay.

You live here?
Yes.

And I want to thank you
for a very lovely evening.

Good night.
Don't go away.

Uh... [ Chuckles ]
You don't have to
take me to the door. Really.

But I want to.
Oh.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, good night again.

Tom, please don't bother.

I insist on walking you
to your door.

But... But it's silly
for you to climb
all those stairs.

But I want to.
Believe me, I want to.

Oh.

Well, good night again.

Uh, may I ask how long
you've lived here?

Oh, just a very short while.

Good night.

Uh, yes, Tom?

We never did get to, uh,
last names.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh. No, uh,
so we didn't, did we?

Uh, M-M-Milford.
Joan Milford.

I'm baffled.
What did you say?

Uh, Baffle.
Tom Baffle.

Like confused?

Very.

Oh.

Good night.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh!

It-It-It's you. Um...
[ Clears Throat ]

Oh, I hate to leave
dirty milk bottles
in the hallway.

[ Chuckles ]

By the way, I was wondering,
could I take you out
tomorrow night?

Oh, I'd... I'd love to
meet you someplace.

Well, I think this place
is most convenient for me.
How about 8:00?

Well, I don't
expect to be...
Tomorrow night at 8:00.

Good night.
Again.

Again.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Engine Starts ]

Where next?

I don't know.

- Don't you want to go home?
- I am home.

What do you want me to do?
Drive you up the steps?

58th Street Towers.

But where did she
get a key?
I don't know. I don't know.

Call the police, Tom.
She's after the paintings.

I'll be personally
responsible
for the paintings.

Somebody just
stole your apartment
and your name,

and you're gonna be
responsible for my pai...
Call the police.

I will not call the police
because I'm not convinced
that this girl is a thief.

Now I've gotta
find out for myself
just what's going on.

And while you're trying
to find out, where do you
expect to live?

Harvey. Harvey,
what are friends for?

I mean, when you needed
a home for your paintings,
why, who did you come to?

Hmm.

I hope you don't mind
if I don't make it up for you.
That's all right.

Say, uh, do you have
an extra key?
Hmm?

An extra key.
Over my dead body.

Harvey, are we bosom pals?
I mean, bosom pals.

Yeah, bosom, yes.
Key, no.

Do you realize
what would happen
if I did call the police?

Why, the paintings
would become a matter
of public information...

and community property.

Now, either you give me
the key, or, uh,

I'll have to call the police.

You bring one little bunny
up to this place, I'll have you
both arrested for trespassing.

Me?
Yeah.

Who are you calling?

I'm gonna call my place,
because I cannot believe
what has happened.

Hey, do you think I had
some sort of a lapse?
[ Mutters ]

[ Busy Signal ]
The line's busy.

Why, of course it's busy.
She's probably
calling the truck.

Come and get it!

Goldilocks.
I feel just like Goldilocks
sleeping in Papa Bear's bed.

What?

Oh, relax.
Milford's in California.

And, well, I just couldn't
let Baffle see where we live.

Look. I got no time
to horse around.
The sink is stopped up,

the fuse blew in the bathroom,
and we got ants
in the refrigerator.

Now you get out of that bed
and you come right home.

But I'm stuck here.
And besides, we have another
date tomorrow night.

Oh, be a good kid, Audrey,
and bring my white dress...

and my cold cream
and toothbrush, huh?

You get home this very minute,
or I'll come over and get you.

You can't just move into
somebody's apartment
without permission.

It's forcible entry.
It's trespassing.

It's a criminal offense,
punishable by law.

He's in California, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Mmm.

[ Sighing ]

Where am I?

Oh.

Oh. All right. Come on.
Goldilocks, get up.
It's morning.

- Come on. Up, up, up. Up.
- I heard ya. I heard ya.
I heard ya.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, this is the life.

Why don't you go in
and tub first while I just
wallow in this ecstasy, huh?

Hey, Joan,
let's not get carried away.

You know, we are trespassing.
We could get arrested.

You worry too much.
I do, huh?

Mm-hmm.
Suppose Milford made
a sudden return to New York.

Suppose he walked into
this room right now.

Would you want to be
found here like this?

I should say not.
I'm gonna go bathe
and then put some makeup on.

[ Audrey ]
Leave me some of that
hot water, will ya?

[ Faucet Squeaks ]
I heard ya. I heard ya.

Did you ever meet
this Milford guy?

Uh-uh. I only sweep up
the remains.

Any idea what his racket is?

Well, I'd say
he books talent for orgies.

I got news for ya.

He's a jockey.

A what?

A jockey.

I found this in the night table.

"Ginny Frazell.
Chestnut hair. Spirited.

Good legs.
Slow starter,
but great in stretch.

Murray Hill,
37599."

If he ain't a jockey,
he sure loves horses.

[ Scoffs ]
He'll love anything.
I clean up this stable. I know.

Here. Read this one.

"Agnes Whitby.
Good disposition.

Affectionate.
Slightly nervous.

Needs two or three outings."

I guess if he likes you
he shoves a piece of sugar
in your mouth.

Oh. Oh, "Flo Whitby.
Mother of Agnes.

Superb track record.
Breaks fast,
always there at the finish."

So what's a swinging jockey
like him doing with
a bottle of bubble bath?

Maybe his mother
visits him once in a while.

Or Agnes's mother.

Do you think
it'd be all right
if we stayed again tonight?

[ Audrey ]
I've got enough apartments to
clean without adding a new one.

Just one more night.

I mean, how can you give up
that wonderful bathtub?

Suppose he asks you
for a date tomorrow night?

And the next night,
and the next?

[ Sighs ]
Yeah, that's true.

I can't wear the same
dress each time,
can I?

Now wait a second.

Your stuff's on the left.
Mine's on the right.

It's a pretty tight squeeze.
What about the other closet?

Oh, it's loaded.

He's got fishing rods,
diving equipment,
a bowling ball.

There's even a saddle in there.

Hey, maybe
he really is a jockey.

Call Agnes.
See if she whinnies.

Ew. It's 8:00.
I'd better get a move on.

Now you remember what I said.

Don't let Baffle
into this apartment.

It's about as feminine
as a wrestler's locker room.

A guy takes a girl out
for a big evening. Now how can I
tell him to wait in the hall?

I'll tell you how.

You say "Wait in the hall."
That's how.

Oh, now you're a big help.

Well, next time
some joe takes you out,
you have to do like I do.

I tell them
I live in Connecticut.

Then they take me
to Grand Central Station,
and I duck into the subway.

So what happens
when they insist
on putting you on the train?

So once in a while
I spend a night in New Haven.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Now you remember what I said.

Don't let him in.
What if he insists
when we come back?

So I'll move the sofa
out into the hallway.
Ooh, thanks a lot.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]
Coming!

Now remember what I said.

[ Chuckles Nervously ]
Hi, Tom.

Uh, I'm kind of early.
You mind if I come in?

The place is such a mess.
You see,
I'm having maid trouble.

Yeah. We can't get 'em
out of the bathtub.

Quinine water
and a drop of gin.
Vodka martini.

Charlie.

Charlie.

There's that little swinger
I was telling you about.

The cute little kid?

You've been in that
domestic vodka again.

Now take these over
and lay an ear on 'em.

You'll hear talk
that'll singe the fuzz
right out of your navel.

You know, Joan, I admire you.

I mean,
you are a rarity.
Oh?

Well... Thank you.

With everybody crying
about the immorality
of the times, uh,

here you are,
a little puritan...

in the middle of this
great, big, evil city.

Won't allow a man
into her apartment.

[ Joan Chuckles Nervously ]
Well, I told you,
my housekeeper didn't show up.

Now you know that's not so.
You're just being
respectable and proper.

And I commend you for it.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, a girl should be careful.

I mean, just recently
a fellow took me out to dinner,
and then to a show,

and then really got terribly
upset with me because I wouldn't
let him kiss me good night.

Well, you stay old-fashioned.
And as far as my interest
in your apartment is concerned,

why, it's, uh,
purely professional.

Professional?

Mm-hmm. You see,
I'm interested in the things
that people live with.

Furnishings, accessories,
uh, paintings.

Paintings?
Well, I certainly
don't have any of those.

You don't?
[ Chuckles ]
No.

Not unless you can call
something that looks like
a two-headed man...

with a three-legged chicken
standing on one of them
paintings.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]
Well, that sounds very
impressionistic,

uh, somebody like
Jacques Pirraux.

Now they could be very valuable,
so if I were you, I would
take very good care of them.

Well, is that your business?
Paintings?

Not exactly. I...
I'm an interior decorator.

[ Joan Chuckles ]

You? An interior decorator?

Well, why not?
I mean, is it so strange...

that I enjoy chintzes
and frilly gingerbready
knickknacks?

[ Chuckles ]
Well, no.
[ Clears Throat ] No.

It's just that
I never thought of you
in that way.

Anyone ever tell you
you don't hear so good?

She's a Girl Scout,
and he's an interior decorator.

That's an interior decorator?

Not only
don't you hear good,
you don't see good.

I think it's so exciting
what you do.

Well, you know, the sight
of an old Flemish tapestry
in muted tones,

or a Louis XV credenza...
why, they do things to me
that nothing else can do.

Oh, I love pretty things.
But, you know, now that I know
you're an interior decorator,

I certainly can't take you
to see my place.

But I'd love to visit
your apartment.

My apartment?
Mm-hmm.

W-Well,
why mine?
[ Chuckles ]

Well, the answer should be
quite obvious,
shouldn't it?

The fact of the matter is,
uh, my place
is quite disorganized.

Uh, I've been having
maid trouble too.

Well, I tell you what.

You take me to your apartment,
and I'll show you what I can do
with a vacuum cleaner.

Thank you.

Good night.
Good night.

You know something, Charlie?

You're stupid.

Oh! It's very lovely.

Just not what I expected
in a decorator's apartment.

Uh, well, tell me more
about your apartment.

[ Chuckles ]
It's really quite ugly.

What do you find
so ugly about it?

Well, those ridiculous
paintings, of course.

I'd like to toss them out.

- You didn't.
- No, but I'm thinking about it.

Uh, let me freshen that up, huh?

Yeah, it's warm in here.
Well, I can, uh...
I can open the door for you.

There. Little fresh air.
That's better.

Uh, how long did you say
you lived in your place?

Oh, just a short while.
Uh-huh.

There's something
very familiar
about that address.

Yeah, in fact, I think I went
to a party there one time.

Now I can't recall
the guy's name, but, uh...

But I'm positive it was
your apartment, in fact.

It's possible.
Do you know who I mean?

I never met the gentleman.

You know,

a guy dreams up all sorts
of deceptions to lure a girl
up to his apartment,

and, uh, you invited
yourself here.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, I trust you.

And that's a compliment
to your character.

Well, maybe it's that
you think I'm harmless,

and, uh, that's no compliment.

Mmm. A man is only
as dangerous...

as a girl wants him to be.

Say, what's the prop...

What's the proportion
of gin and quinine water
in this drink?

Oh, I'd say about, uh,
even Steven.

[ Chuckles ]
I'd say it was more Steven
than even.

Say,

you're not trying
to get me drunk, are you?

We'll examine
the motives later, hmm?

But later may be too late.

You know something?

We're talkin' too much.

But if I don't talk,
how am I gonna know
what's going on?

If anything very important
happens, I, uh,

guarantee you'll be
the first to know.

[ Key Rattles In Lock ]

Harvey, sweetheart.
Well, when did you
get back into town?

Well, you look just fantastic.

Just like I always say,
my place is your place.

That's why I gave you
the key, you know.

How was your trip?
Now, I thought
I told you...

Sure, you told me.
You told me you were
coming into town,

but you never told me
what time the plane
would get there.

I would have been there
to meet ya. Hey, uh, uh,
Joan, this is Harve.

How do you do?
My best pal. Greatest pal
a guy ever had.

You are a sight
for sore eyes.
Will you stop that.

Tom, I am not
going to let you...
Isn't he a sweet man?

He's not gonna let me
inconvenience myself
by putting him up for the night.

Well, Harvey, if you want to
spend the night in a dreary old
hotel room, you go right ahead.

What dreary hotel room?
Come in the kitchen. I want
to get you a glass of milk.

You must have had
a very, very rough trip.
How was the flight?

I'll be back in a second.
I don't want any milk.

It doesn't matter.
There must be something in here.
I just don't want to get...

Now look, I thought I told you...
Shh. This is the girl
that took my place.

What is she doing in my place?
Well, she won't let me
go to my place,

so I had to call your place
my place.
Get her out of here, you hear?

Out, out.
Harve, I've been working on her.
She's just starting to talk.

Well, teach her how to walk
and get her out of here.

Look. The case
is practically broken.
She's ready to spill the beans.

And she's no crook. Uh-uh.

In fact, she has no idea
of the value of your paintings.

Oh, really?
Yeah. She thinks
they're ridiculous.

Oh, really?
Yeah. So ridiculous
she wants to throw 'em out.

Is that s... No.
Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, no. No.
Oh, well-well, I didn't mean it
that way. It's just a joke.

Now, I want
my paintings, Tom.
I-I want them tonight. Now!

Harvey. Harvey, please.
It was just a joke.
I mean, I...

The paintings
are perfectly safe.
They're all right.

Now be a pal.
Give me a little time.

I'm on the five-yard line.
Hey.

Why don't you check into
the Plaza Hotel? I'll pay
for everything. All right?

You check into the Plaza Hotel.

Word of honor:
If I detect any evidence
of criminal intent,

I'll pick up the paintings
and-and call the police.

Scout's honor.

Oh.

I've been locked in
with my wife's lawyers
for six hours.

I've got indigestion.

I'm tired.

All I want to do
is rest my head
on my very own pillow.

I'll pack it in a bag,
and you can take it with you.
Come on.

Oh, thank you.
Sure. I knew
you'd see it my way.

Going so soon, Harve?

Tom, you're a terrible host.
Give the man some quinine water.

Make yourself
at home, Harve.
I have no home.

Good night, Harve.

What did he mean by that?

Who, Harve?

Well, uh, he actually
is suffering from a terrible
emotional problem.

He-He thinks
he's a wandering gypsy.

He wears bright-colored
shirts and earrings.

Even shakes a tambourine.

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Poor Harve.

Listen.

Tom.
Hmm?

Take me home.

Home? Why?

I don't think I should
be here in this condition.

What condition?

Well... [ Chuckles ]
I don't know,
but it feels good, and...

I'd be afraid
to feel any better.

Don't you trust me?

Should I?

8:00'll be fine, Tom.

Oh, I was looking at
those paintings.

They are by that fellow
"Schmeero."

Oh, Pirraux.

Uh, well, is he a boozer?

Nobody sees things
like that sober.

I'd still like to toss them out.

Tom, why do you stutter
when I say that?

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, I'll think about it.
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Somebody's at the door.
See you at 8:00.

Hi, guys.

Been rehearsing
since 10:00 this morning.

Don't ask me why.

Girl, nobody's
making you do it
with whips.

You don't like the play, quit.

Well, maybe if I knew
what was going on.

Twenty-two weeks rehearsing,
and still doesn't get
the author's message.

Tell me about last night.

Well, it was very nice.
He's-He's considerate
and-and refined.

He called the play The Onion
because life is like an onion.

Peel away the skins,
what have you got?

A naked onion.
Now shut up.

All men are considerate
and refined the first time out.

No, no.
Tom's really different.
He's...

Well, he's
an interior decorator.
[ Laughs ]

No. Come on.

I'm not kidding.
He loves art and frilly,
chintzy gingerbready things.

That's why he wants to see
this apartment so badly.
He says he's got a lot of ideas.

I'll bet he has.

Look, honey, you've latched on
to a very high-grade mechanic.

He's an interior decorator
like I'm an astronaut.

First he relaxes you
with the chintz bit.

Then the next thing you know,
you're asking to see
his apartment.

I've already seen his apartment.

What did I tell ya?
That's as far as it went.

Patience.
He'll get there.

Look, he was
a perfect gentleman.

I went to his apartment,
I had a couple of drinks.
I got a little dizzy.

So he brought me home
and kissed me
on the forehead and left.

Could be he is
an interior decorator.

The author says
life's like an onion...

not only because
it's got skins,
but also because it stinks.

Look. Why don't you make like
a potato and get boiled.

Now leave us alone.

He's coming here at 8:00.

Well, just remember
to keep him out
in the hallway.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I could tell him
it's my brother's apartment.

You haven't got a brother.

- Well, he doesn't know that.
- He'll find out.
Men don't like women who lie.

Besides, you got a great big
doozy working for you right now.
That's enough.

Well, maybe we can stall him
until we rent another apartment.

Do you realize what
it would cost to decorate one
as nicely as this?

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Now, just what piece
of hanky-panky...

do you have cooking
in that twisted little mind?

[ Gasps ]
Oh! I just remembered.

I got an appointment
with my dentist
in Jersey City.

Well, wait for me.
My teeth are killing me.
Halt.

No one is leaving the premises.

I am gonna put skirts
in this apartment,

and you two are gonna help me.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, yes.

English tailoring.

But wearable.
Wearable.

Your husband's,
ma'am?
Mmm.

Hardly worn.
Hardly worn.

Uh, he left me.

I see.
How long were you married?

[ Sighs ]

Well, I-I'd rather not
talk about it,
if you don't mind.

Oh, but I do mind.

You see, I operate here
under the benevolence
of a police license...

and if I accept merchandise
of questionable origin...

I jeopardize that license
and my own good name.

Well! If you're suggesting
that I'm a thief...

Well, you say
you're married,
but I see you wear no band.

Or could it be
that the vows
were never spoken?

Ah. Pity.

You're in difficulty.

But the shame
is not in loving unwisely.

The shame rests on him
who would sip the nectar,
you might say,

and take flight
before the blossom
has fruited.

- Mr. O'Shea!
- Wh-What is it, girl?

Oh, I'm afraid
that you have...
Now, don't be afraid, child.

Don't be afraid.
Have courage.

After all,
it's the most natural
and sacred of miracles.

I'll, uh...
I'll lend you $100
on the lot,

in spite of the tailoring.

Uh, you sure
you won't sell them?

Still hoping
the rascal will return.

They rarely do.
They rarely do.

No, no, y-you make
a new life for yourself.

Develop an interest.

Have you
any musical ability?
Uh, no, sir.

Oh? Well, here.

Plunk on this
to while away the days.

And when the time comes
I'll have a perambulator
for you.

Watch your step now
as you go out.

You've got to take
great care of yourself now.

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

God bless you.

Oh, no.
[ Chuckles ]

They can't fool O'Shea.

Call me at the Plaza
as soon as you find out.

Harvey, will you relax.

The paintings
are all right.
Call me anyway.

Look. It's now 7:00.
I'm gonna push the watch
up to 8:00.

She can't possibly
leave me in the hall
for a whole hour.

She's gotta ask me in.
Talk to you later.
Mmm, yeah.

[ Buzzes ]

Well, hi, Tom.
Hi.

What are you doing here
so early?
Early?

We did make it for 8:00,
didn't we?

But it's only 7:00.

7:00?

Well, it is racing a bit.

I guess I am early.
I'm sorry.
I'll just wait out here.

[ Laughs ]
Don't be silly.
Come on in.

Well, come on!

Uh, Tom, this is Luther.

Hi, neighbor!

Luth, will you
get my guest a drink?
I'll just be one minute.

- What are you drinkin'?
- Uh, uh, nothing, thank you.

You name it, we've got it.

Uh, if you don't mind
I'll just browse around.

How are they
getting along out there?

Okay, I guess.

I'd sure like to meet the guy,
but I look like I been working
out with the Green Bay Packers.

He's cute, isn't he?

[ Audrey ]
Not from this angle.

He ca walk, can't he?

Sure.

You'd better
watch yourself
with this guy.

He's gotta be a wolf,
from what I can see.

Tom, what's the trouble?

Oh, no trouble at all.
I was just checking
the upholstery.

It's very fine.
Very fine indeed.
Oh.

Well, I'm all ready.
What's on the agenda?

Well, I thought
we'd catch a movie.

Then I'd take you
for a bite to eat.

And then I'd like
to talk to you about some
exciting ideas I have...

for redoing my apartment.

Wonderful.

I don't know about that guy.
What's he look like to you?

Just another pretty face.

I tell ya, if there's
one thing I cannot stand,
it's a clean Italian movie.

[ Giggles ]
Well, Luigi Brocatelli
always plays such a wolf.

Imagine him
as an 80-year-old
shoemaker!

I wonder where there's
a good spaghetti place
around here.

Hey, hiya,
hotshot!
Paul.

Guys,
look who's here!
Hi, Tommy!

Hi, Tom.
How are you?
Hi. How are you?

Say, uh, folks,
I'd like you
to meet Joan.

Joan, this is Kitty
and Paul and Jeff and Helen.
Hello, Joan.

- Long time no see, Tom.
Where you been hiding?
- Oh, at the office mostly.

- Been very busy.
- Hey, let's go someplace.

Dressed like this?

Really, some other time, huh?

You're close by.
How about your place?

Paul's mother
is staying with us.
How about your place?

The painters
are coming tomorrow and
the whole joint's torn up.

[ Paul ]
How about your place, Tom?
We won't stay up late.

Uh, well,
I'd love to have you
over to my place,

but the woman next door
is very sick and the doctors
are coming in and out.

It's terrible.

Word of honor,
I give you a call
next week.

Gee, it was awfully nice
to see you. Good night.
Good night.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry
about not having you
over to my place.

I have an idea.
Why don't you all
come over to my place?

Why didn't I
think of that?
[ Chuckles ]

** [ Phonograph:
Orchestra, Ballad ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Kitty ]
Four scotches,
one vodka...

Harve,
the least you could do is
come out and say hello.

I will not go out there
and say hello.

Look, I just told 'em
we'd stop here
on the way to Joan's place.

Okay, so take 'em
to Joan's place.

Joan has no place!
My place is her place.

And I couldn't take 'em
to my place, because
your place is my place...

and this gang knows my place,
so I had to come to your place.

[ Laughing,
Chattering ]
** [ Continues ]

** [ Continues, Muffled ]

I am seriously thinking
of destroying myself.

What will you do
when I'm no longer here?

Or will you move me
out of that place too?

Harvey.
Harvey, don't be bitter.

You know it pains me
to do these things.

I told you to
call the police days ago.
I'm worried about my paintings.

Well, stop worrying about 'em.

I'll find 'em.

You'll find them?
Well, I-I didn't
mean that.

You see, they were
temporarily removed
for safety's sake.

Yeah. Uh,
they should be back
any... any, uh...

What happened
to my paintings, Tom?
Nothing.

Believe me, they're safe.

She redid my apartment,
then she took the paintings down
'cause they didn't fit.

But as far
as being lost...
Where are my paintings?

I don't know.
Y-Y-You don't know?
You don... You don't have...

Don't know?
Don't know...

If you don... I'm telling you...
You don... You don't know my...

Oh, hello. Young lady,
please get off the phone.
I've gotta call the police.

Yes, get off the line.
Thank you. I... What is that?

No, I don't want to hear
about your martinis, no.
Th-Th-This is an emergency.

Room Service,
I want the police.
No, no, I don't want the...

What? No, I-I don't want
two scotch and four champagnes!

All I want is the police.
Yes!

Oh, s wants them.
Well, why don't you
send 'em over...

No, look, I want the police.
Do you hear? Please get...

Harvey,
you put the police
onto that girl...

and I'll have
to put your wife
onto those paintings.

My friend Milford.

My very best friend.

Harve, go back to your
apartment...

and, word of honor,
I won't bug you again.

Oh, all I want
is a good night's sleep.

My good night's sleep
and my oil paintings.
Now, is that asking too much?

No. No, I think
you're being
very reasonable.

I'll give you a hand.

Here.

Let me help you into your pants.

I'll put on my own pants,
thank you.

Just trying
to be some help.
I don't want your help.

You've got
the touch of disaster.
You just stay away. That's all.

My paintings.
Ca...

That's fantastic.

Absolutely,
completely fantastic.

What is?
You just handed me
my trousers, right?

That's all.
I just handed 'em to you.

The zipper's stuck.

She's never been this late
without calling.

It's only 4:30.
Why the sweat?
She's no kid.

Try information again.
Baffle. B-A-F-F-L-E.
Uh, 58th Street Towers.

Information already said
there is no phone
for that name.

Let's grab a cab
and go over there.

Why are we running?
We don't even know
the apartment!

We know
he has the penthouse,
and that's enough.

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

[ Muttering ]
All right, all right.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Ah, wait, wait!

So that's how it is, is it?
You miserable, depraved beast!

Luth, take care of him
while I get Joan.

What? Wha-Wha-Wha...

Wait a second!
This doesn't look like the...

All you had to do
was lift a phone
at the hotel.

You can do that
from any position.

We were having so much fun,
who bothered
to look at the clock?

Do you realize that
we called every place in town,
including the morgue?

By the way,

if Tom was with you,

who did Luther
punch in the face?

Hmm. Must have been
Tom's friend.

He went back to sleep
at Tom's apartment.
Oh.

Well, anyone who's stupid enough
to answer the door
at 4:30 in the morning...

deserves a punch in the face.

I-It's getting pretty serious
between Tom and me.

Just these few days?
Takes me longer
to break in a pair of shoes.

Boy, half a dozen times
last night I wanted
to tell him the truth,

but I...
I was afraid.

Well, just listen
to Mother Audrey.

Don't.

[ Sighs ]

Do you know how to roast a duck?

Me? [ Chuckles ]
Oh, that's pretty good.

Ask me if I could
roast a cottage cheese,
I might help you.

Well, Tom's favorite dish
is duck l'orange, so...

I invited him up for dinner.

Do you get pains in your head?

Well, I couldn't tell him
I can't cook.
Why couldn't you tell him?

All you have to say is,
"I can't cook." That means,
quote... I can't cook... unquote.

You keep getting in
deeper and deeper and deeper.

But he comes up and sees
this beautiful kitchen with
all this beautiful equipment...

But a duck! The best
French chef in town can't
make a decent duck l'orange.

That's with brandy
and oranges,
the whole schmear.

Well,
how am I going to learn
if I don't try?

You know,
you're not well, Joanie.

You're not at all well.

Well, I am gonna
roast that duck.

Now, if you don't
want to help...

All right I'll help, I'll help.

[ Sighs ]
But what's gonna happen
to that duck...

shouldn't happen to a dog.

Hmm.
Mother and child.

[ Laughs ]

Let me smell.

Mmm.
Gravy smells good.
Mmm.

You think we oughta
add a little more brandy
and Cointreau?

Gosh, I don't know.

We must have
a quart in there
already.

I'd hate to have him
get drunk on a duck.

Hey, you'd better
get washed and polished.
He'll be here very soon.

What about this kitchen?

Don't worry. I'll manage,
and then I'll cut out. I'm sure
you don't want me around.

Gee, thanks, Audrey.
I appreciate that.

Ahh.

Let's see.
"Baste every 15 minutes."

"Keep oven at 275."

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

[ Gasps ]
Oh! Oh!

Oh, Joan! Joan, Joan!
Joan, the duck's on fire!

[ Gasps ]
Joan, look!
The duck!

Oh, don't just stand there!
Do something!

[ Shouting ]

Oh!
What?

Do you wanna ruin it?
[ Sobs ]
My duck!

The fork!
Get the serving fork!

Quick!
Don't stand there!
Move! Fork!

Oh... Here.
My gosh!

All right,
don't panic.
My beautiful duck!

All right...
[ Sobbing ]

The broom!
Get the broom! Quick!

Ohh! Ohh!

Don't panic!
Don't panic!
I'm not! I'm not!

Ohh!
Oh, I can't watch!

Oh, I can't watch!
Oh, don't ruin it!

Ohh! Ohh!
[ Shrieking ]
Oh, no!

[ Screams ]
Oh, you ruined my duck!
[ Shrieking ]

[ Gasping ]

Yeah, and she'll be right over.

And please pack it well.

Thank you.

It's Andre's on 23rd Street.
He'll have the duck all packed.

I'll clean up the slop
and set the table
before I leave.

Buck up.
It was only a duck.

But she was so beautiful.

We all have to go sometime.

No duck.

Whew.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Aah!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Hello, Mr. Milford.
Anything to be
cleaned or pressed?

No, Lennie.
Thank you very much.
See you next week.

Hey, wait. Wait.
Come to think of it,
come inside.

You'd better take this suit
because I've been
living in it for a week.

[ Sighs ]

Tomorrow okay?
Yep.
Tomorrow'll be fine.

No. Come to think of it,
make it next week.

Better yet,
I'll call for it myself.

Oh.
Thanks,
Mr. Milford.

That's all right.
Bye, Lennie.

"Maid to Order.
This apartment serviced
by Joan Howell."

Doesn't sound Japanese.

"Attention, Maid,
discontinue service"...

Joan is my maid!

Well, I'll be a...
[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

[ Buzzing ]

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

[ Kicking ]
Tom!

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

Tom?

Uh...

Tom!

Taxi!

I'm sorry.
I don't carry your kind,
Maxine!

[ Laughing ]

Well, you've got
your big, fat nerve.

Ma'am, I wonder if I could
trouble you for a dime.

I wonder if
I could trouble you
to go soak your head!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to take
the booth, but I have a problem.
Now, if I could have that dime...

Why don't you just
take it? You've taken
everything else.

Only the lowest,
the meanest,
the nastiest,

the cheapest
kind of person would...

He took it.

He took my dime!

Hello, Sam?
Sam, Tom Milford.

Yeah, listen,
don't press my suit.
Just send it back.

No, no, don't unpress it.
Just send it back.
And hurry. Okay.

Oh, Sam! Sam.
I'm not at home.

I'm in a phone booth
on 62nd Street, right across
the street from my place. Right.

He grabs my arm
and bends my fingers back
until I give him that dime.

Didja ever!

It's the Russians.
They're sprinklin'
something around.

Makes everybody crazy.

Oh, and, Sam, Sam,
one more thing.

I stole a dime
from an old lady.
Would you send that too?

Why doesn't somebody call a cop?

What happened?
That man stole
that woman's dime!

Her diamond?
No, no.
Her dime.

Hey, what's going on here?
That man stole
that woman's diamond.

If there was
a red-blooded man
around,

he'd go in that booth
and teach that guy
a lesson.

You got more blood
than I got, lady.
You go in.

I never carry anything
valuable with me.

I don't even carry
Green Stamps with me.

All right, ladies,
break it up.
Break it up.

Officer, that fiend
threw me bodily
out of the phone booth...

and took my dime!

I'm a witness, Officer.
I saw every bit of it.

Where were you when she
was screamin' for help?
Yeah!

I was havin' my ears pierced.

Officer, would you mind
waiting a moment?
I haven't a thing to wear.

Outside.
Yeah, but...

Outside.

Believe it or not,
I was on my way
to a duck dinner.

Oh, and I thought
you were waiting
for the 4:00 dog sled.

Well, I know it's unusual,
but I can explain everything.
Sure!

You're Nanook of the North
and I am Admiral Byrd.

You gotta believe me.

I'm a victim of circumstance,
and I'm waiting for my suit.

Don't let him talk you
out of it, Officer.
He's some kind of a "prevert."

I can handle this, lady.
Let's take a walk.

Officer, you gotta believe me.
I'm as sane as you are.

Sure you are.
Saner.

I asked for this beat.
Come on.

[ Woman ]
What about my dime?

Wait. Look. Look.
Hold it. Hold it.

I told you I was
just waiting for my suit.
Lennie. Lennie.

This lady over here
gets the dime, please.
Get in there and put it on.

And let me tell you something.

If I catch you causing
any more disturbances
around here,

I'm gonna throw you
in the cookie jar
and slap the lid on.

You understand?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.

[ Grunts ]

Officer!
All right, all right!
Break it up!

What's the matter? Ain't you
never seen a naked man
in a phone booth before?

[ Crowd Murmuring ]
Break it up!
Come on! Move on!

Well, I knew you'd been here...

when I saw your wallet
was left on the table.

I thought I'd just dash out
and have my suit pressed
while I was waiting.

Mmm. This duck
is the greatest.

Why, it's better than Andre's.

Where'd you learn
to cook so well?

[ Laughs ]
Oh, there are tricks.

Say, uh,
are you just as good
at housekeeping?

Mmm.
I'm even better.

Career girl, a cook,
a housekeeper.

Wow.

Why, you're, uh...
You're quite a catch.

It's going to take
an awful lot of husband
to keep up with you.

Or aren't you interested
in getting married?

Now, what girl isn't?

Have you got anybody in mind?

Mm-mmm. Not yet.

- So, what's he got to be like?
- Oh, I'm wide open.

Preferably, uh, rich,
handsome, uh, personable?

[ Chuckles ]
Well, you aim for the moon
and settle for the best.

Well, you should have
no trouble at all.

I mean, you're pretty,

uh, gifted,

you've got a lovely apartment.

[ Coughing ]
Excuse me.

In fact, you've
got a lot of things
going for you.

Uh, well, uh,
what are you looking for
in a girl?

Well, I want everything
to be in the right place,
of course.

But there's one quality
above all...

that, well, to me
is just a must...

Honesty.

You see, I believe if a girl
is beautiful on the inside,

she can't help
but be beautiful
on the outside.

It's simple as that.

Um...
[ Nervous Chuckle ]

Well, uh,

I-I-I expect to be
leaving here soon.

Oh?

Where?

Well, I'm... I'm not sure.

You will let me know, won't you?

- Do you want to know?
- I want to know.

Oh, the... wine.

There I am,
on 62nd Street
in my underwear,

and I can't even raise a dime.

What'd she do
with your suits?
I have no idea.

She probably
sold 'em.
Nah. She's not a thief.

She's not
a compulsive liar
either.

She's just a...
Just a bush leaguer...

trying to make a big impression.

She saw an opportunity
to live it up for 10 days,
she grabbed it.

Hmm. Uh, when are you
due back from the coast?
Day after tomorrow.

Good. Maybe things
can get back to normal
around here.

There's an awful lot of work
piled up on your desk.

Harve, I was thinking of, uh,

delaying my return
for a few days.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, no, you're not.

What concern is it of yours?
I mean, it's my affair.

Your affairs
have a remarkable way
of becoming my affairs.

I've had it, Tom.

People waking me
at 5:00 in the morning
to take a punch at me.

Moving around
all hours of the night
like a wandering nomad.

Look, if the girl moves,
I'll never see her again.

And, uh, I want to
see her again.

What in the world do you want
with a dame who's deceived you
from the moment she met you?

I like her.
It's just that simple.
Yeah.

You can pick up that phone
and call 50 girls who are a
darn sight better than this one.

You are hardly an expert
at picking the right girl.

You can stand there...
you with no home
and no clothes...

And tell me
this one is the right one?

Aah!

Well, right or wrong,
I just don't want to lose her.

Have the California office send
a telegram in my name saying
I'll be delayed for a week.

That's all I'm asking.

Now, I'm warning you, Tom.

You've stretched our friendship
just about as far as it'll go.

I'm running a business here.

Either get with it or get out.

All right, Harve.
You win.

I know you have
my best interests
at heart, so, uh...

So I'll forget about the girl
and just let her disappear
out of my life.

And I'll, uh,
drown myself in my work.

You're too agreeable.

Harvey,
from now on I promise,
I am just a company man.

You're planning something sneaky
to get even with me.

- You're gonna call Leona and
tell her about the paintings.
- What's the matter with you?

You're gonna write her lawyers
an anonymous letter...

telling them about
my securities and the boat.

- You hurt me when you accuse me
of things like that.
- You're in love with that girl.

And a person in love
is a person insane.

I'm not insane.
Oh, no?

What other kind of mind would
dream up a double-crossing plot
like this?

What are you
so clouded up about?
Lovers' quarrel?

We were never lovers,
and we didn't quarrel.

What about the banjo?
I'll take it back
to the pawn shop with me.

Give the ticket to Luther.
He'll get the suits.

He'll also get
a good hit in the head.

Why?
'Cause O'Shea'll think
you're the father of my child.

I haven't been
near enough to her
to give her a cold.

[ Sighs ] You know,
you were right about
men not liking liars.

He said something.

How did he happen to mention it?

Came out somehow.

[ Sighs ]
Maybe it's just as well
it ends right now.

30, 40, 50,

60, 70, 80, 90,

100.

What are the charges?
No... N-No.
No charge.

Glad to be of help.
Well, thank you,
Mr. O'Shea.

And if I might
make a suggestion,

now that he's back,
you run him down to
city hall and get a license.

Mr. O'Shea,
there's something
I must tell you.

Oh, tell me nothing.
The child's got to
have a name.

I am not going to have a child.

Well, don't tell him
till after the wedding.

You get the certificate.
It's a permanent credit card.

You listen to O'Shea.

[ Sighs ]

This came
right after you left.
Oh.

"Attention, Maid.
Return delayed one week.
Milford."

[ Sighs ]

She loves the guy.
Love, schmove.

One more skin
on the onion.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Tom.

Uh, no.
I just stepped out
for a minute.

Um, Tom, I was wondering
if we should be
seeing each other again.

Well, there are many reasons.

Oh, no, no.

You've been very nice
and I've enjoyed
being with you.

Oh, I do.
I do.

Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
No.

[ Laughs ]

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, Tom.

Oh, y-you mean
he shuttled in
and shuttled out again?

Must we go through
all the details,
Mr. O'Shea?

Well, you can't have him
running in and out
like the tides.

You'll wear yourself out
carrying the suits.

Look, I'm in a hurry.
Never mind the money.
Just hold the suits for me, huh?

Do you love the man?

Mr. O'Shea,
there is no man.

I see.

You want to forget him.

Good riddance it is.
So now I can tell you.

Good-bye,
Mr. O'Shea.
There's another woman.

What'd you say?

I found this
in one of the pockets
the first time you came in.

I didn't want to upset you,
so I slipped it to one side.

Why, that's Tom.

That's Tom!

That's Tom Milford!

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, I just want to die.

Oh, I am s-so embarrassed.

I-I just want to die!
[ Trembling ]

Well, why didn't the bum
say something? Why did
he string you along?

As far as I know,
all that changed hands...

was some quinine water
and a roast duck.

Because he wanted me
to look like the biggest idiot
that ever came out of the west.

Or the north,
south and east.
And Canada.

Well...
[ Chuckles ]

it's that time again.

If he had one shred of decency,

he would have never led me on.

Any gentleman
would have spoken up...

the minute
I brought him back
to his apartment.

Only a lying, sneaky,
deceitful snake
would do that to a girl.

Yeah, how about that?

When all you did
was steal his apartment
and hock all his clothes.

Why didn't he
stop me?
Why did you start it?

Don't change the subject.

Give me a hand
with these slipcovers,
will ya?

He is not gonna
get away with it.
Do you understand me?

He is not gonna
get away with it!
Joanie, sit down, hmm?

Do you know
that you could get
six months for this?

Jail. Pokey-pie.

You should be grateful
that he didn't blow a whistle.

Oh, he wouldn't dare.

He wouldn't dare,

because I can prove
that he led me on
for immoral purposes.

Now, Joanie, you didn't
tell me about that.

When did it happen?

It didn't. But he was
getting around to it.

Are you gonna help me or not?
I am not
leaving this apartment.

He humiliated me,
and he is not gonna
get away with it.

Don't forget...
I'm from Iowa.

What has that
got to do with it?
I don't know.

But he is gonna rue the day
that he ever toyed
with Joan Milford.

Your name is Howell.
Remember?

How you gonna
get him to rue?
I'll think of something.

- Oh, then you're gonna keep
your date with him tonight.
- Ohh! I can't wait.

He may just give me the clue
on the best way to rue.

Oh, it hardly seems possible
that we've known each other
less than two weeks.

I feel like
I've known you forever.

And yet, you know,
we really know very little
about one another.

Well, what more
do you have to know?

Oh, things like
your ideas and such.

At 2:30
in the morning?
[ Laughs ]

That's a heck of a time
to exchange ideas.

Well, you know, you once told me
that the most important quality
in a woman was honesty.

What do you think
the most important quality
in a man is?

Same thing.
Honesty.

Honesty in anybody.

And do your friends
consider you an honest man?

I like to think so.

You must have
such exciting friends.

Especially among the women.

No, I... I'm actually
a lonely man.

You see, my real love
is my work.

Now, splashes of colors
or beautiful fabrics
or a well-turned piece of wood...

Those are the things
that can thrill me.

I'm, uh, really quite an artist.

[ Chuckles ]

Yes, you certainly are
quite an artist.

But, you know,
you should have more friends.

I have you.
What more do I need?

What do you say
I have a party for you?

But we have each other.
That's plenty, isn't it?

Oh, but, Tom,
I'm not really very exciting,

and I can introduce you to
a lot of interesting people.

Mmm. I-I'm
very uncomfortable
around people.

Well, Tom, my mind's made up.

I'm going to invite
a few friends over
Friday night.

We can have a few drinks
and dance and I'll
get some sandwiches in.

Why, I bet you the change
would do you good.

Well, if it'll please you,
then I'm for it.
Yes.

It's getting late now, Tom.
You'd better go.

Okay.

Night.
Night.

[ Makes Slashing Sound ]

Hello.
Is Agnes there?

Oh, hello, Agnes.
This is Mr. Milford's
secretary.

We're having
a little party Friday night
at Mr. Milford's place.

A "Streets of Paris" party.

And all the girls
are coming dressed...

as their favorite women
of the boulevards.

Hmm.

Oh, fine.
And, Agnes, uh, please,
it's a surprise party.

So don't call Tom back.

[ Chuckles ]
All righty.

Good-bye, Agnes.

Uh, what are you
trying to do, Joan?

This is
National Rue Week.
Remember?

Yeah, but what point
are you trying to make?

This is a man
who demands honesty
in his women.

Well, I just want to show him
that it's a pretty good virtue
in men too.

Huh!
"I'm so alone, Joan.

I'm so uncomfortable
around women."
[ Grumbles ]

I don't know. You're going
to an awful lot of trouble for
a guy you're supposed to hate.

You want a lift home?

No, Harve, thank you.
I'm gonna hang around
and do a little thinking.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Good afternoon, Bert.
Have a nice weekend.

Bye.

What are you gonna think about?

Joan.

Suddenly,
she's very important
to me.

I'm awfully fond of that girl.

I don't dig it.
You know she's been
one long lie.

No. Her only crime
has been trying
to impress me.

No matter how you rationalize,

she's trespassing
on someone else's property.

That's morally
and legally wrong.

Well, what about
a man who conceals assets...

that, morally and legally,
are not completely his,

such as a nice collection
of oil paintings?

[ Mutters ]
Well, uh...

[ Sighs ]
She's throwing a little party
for me tonight.

I told her
I didn't have many friends,
that I was kind of a hermit.

Oh, that must have been
a very touching scene.

Harvey, I feel like a heel.

For two weeks now
I've been spiking her drinks,

playing on her sympathies,
lurking around just waiting
to take advantage.

Would you want somebody
to do that to your sister?

I sure would.
My sister's single
and pushing 40.

I'm gonna go to the party,
tell her who I am and
forgive her for what she's done.

I don't care what you do.
Just come back
with my paintings.

Hey, Harve, why don't you
come along with me and pick up
the paintings yourself?

I mean, after all, you've
been involved in this whole
thing from the beginning.

Could be a lot of laughs.

Could just be a lot of laughs.

[ Chattering ]

[ Chattering ]

Must be old home week.

[ Chattering, Laughing ]
** [ Phonograph: Pop ]

[ Doorbell Buzzing ]

[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

I don't get it.
What kind of a party is this
without men?

Be patient.
You know Tom.

He's always full of surprises.

He never surprised me.

Look at the one at the table,

the one stuffing her face
with the tuna fish sandwiches.

** [ Continues ] [ Chattering ]

That's gotta be Ginny Frazell.

Slow starter,
but great in the stretch.

That's right, Chief.
Dozens of 'em.

I can't figure it either,

unless the Seventh Fleet's
steaming down
Madison Avenue.

** [ Continues ]
[ Chattering,
Laughing ]

What are you gonna do
when your man
finally shows up?

I don't have to do anything.
I just want him to see me.
He'll get the message.

Chief, I counted 50.

Must be a national convention.

Just a second.

Two male individuals
just arrived.

I can't see their faces.

But they ain't here
to read the gas meters.

Yeah. Yeah.

Better charter a bus.

Looks like they're all here.

I wish he'd hurry.
I'm getting worried.

What are you worried about?

I don't know.

But with all this talent
and no place to put it,
something's gotta give.

[ Women Chattering,
Laughing ]
That's funny.

I could have sworn
she said
just a few friends.

Sounds like a few dozen to me.

That's what I mean
about this girl, Harve.

She's so concerned
for my welfare.

Imagine going to
all this trouble
and expense.

I just hope
there's some way
I can repay her.

Well...
[ Clears Throat ]

** [ Ends ]

- Hi!
- [ All Shouting Greetings ]

[ Chattering Excitedly ]

Hey, where are
the other fellas?
There's only two of you!

[ Chattering Continues ]
Hi!
Come on in!

Oh, I'll grab the paintings,
and I'll meet you
down in the car.

What is this?

Welcome to your party,
Mr. Milford.

I just thought
you might enjoy being
surrounded by the, uh...

[ Chuckles ]
things you love best.

Joan, I swear I was
on my way to clear up
this whole mess.

You're a little bit late.
Well, what's a guy
supposed to do?

A girl takes me
to my own apartment,
tells me it's hers.

I couldn't
get over the shock
for a week!

That still leaves one week
unaccounted for!

You deliberately led me on
to humiliate me, and you have.

Good-bye.
Now listen.

Step aside, please.

Could we be alone, please?

Oh, sure.
What did you
have in mind?

I meant Joan.
[ Chuckles ]

You stay right here,
Audrey.
[ Mutters ]

As far as being offended,
I have as much right
to be offended as you do.

I knew what I was doing
was wrong,
but my motives were good.

I met a man I liked
and I wanted to impress him.

But y lied to me
for your own evil purposes.

If I say I love you...

I suggest
you scratch this horse,
Mr. Milford.

It's shy, nervous...

and refuses to enter
the starting gate.

[ Tom ]
Now, you're talking
about lies.

How about your lies to me?

Didn't you tell me you were
a very good cook? Huh?

You know darn well you
didn't cook that duck dinner.
I tried!

[ Tom ]
You take a duck,
put it in the oven...

Can you hear what he's sayin'?

He sounds disappointed
because she didn't make him
a duck dinner.

The whole thing burned up.
Drop a cigarette in it? I've
got ashtrays in my apartment.

What about the other one
that's playing cards
on the bed?

You didn't cook it!
I didn't cook it!

I'm still workin'
on the duck dinner.

You got a duck
that tasted that good
from a delicatessen?

[ Chattering, Laughing ]
I have to leave!

Where are you taking them?

You can't...
Oh, you can't leave,
Harve!

But I've got
an appointment.
You don't have to leave us!

Yes, I...
You don't have to go.

Yes, I have to go.
Where you going?

[ Chattering,
Shouting Continue ]

Uh, where you going,
sir?
Home.

We have just one stop
to make first.
Into the wagon.

What?
In the wagon.

But I don't know anything
about those people.
I'm a responsible businessman.

I just came up here
for my paintings.
Into the wagon.

Now please, Sarge.
I've never seen those people
before in my life.

You see, my wife, Leona,
she's asking
an awful lot of money.

And, uh... Well, anyway,
I was keeping my paintings
up at Tom's place,

and I was staying at my place,
in my beautiful apartment.

Then he asked me to check into
the Plaza Hotel, which I did.

I was gonna call you fellas,
but this girl kept
ordering martinis.

Then when my zipper
got stuck, you see...
In the wagon!

Oh, all right.
I'll get in the...

Just push a little bit.
Thank you.

Stop!
Will you...
Come on outta here.

I'll have you
broken for this,
you goon!

But I told you...
I'm a secretary
at the U.N.

Wait till my old man
gets ahold of that Milford.

[ Chattering, Indistinct ]

Why don't you believe me?

Officer, you don't understand.
It was all a joke.

I mean, it was my idea.

Look, I don't even
know these girls.

Sure, girlie.
Nobody knows nobody
around here.

You all just happened to be
standing up there
waiting for a trolley car.

In the van!

Officer, I can explain
this whole thing.

I know all these people.
I live here.
They're all friends of mine.

Uh-huh.
I never even got a traffic
ticket in my whole life.

Uh-huh.
Maybe somebody
can help me.

Officer, let me explain it
to you. The whole thing
is just a gag. It was...

You again. You know,
I didn't recognize you
with your pants on.

Yes, sir.
I'll go quietly.

[ Engine Starts ]

Lovely evening
to get arrested,
isn't it?

You know,
if you like the apartment,

I have no objections
to you using it
on a more permanent basis.

That is, uh,

i-if you'd like to use
the Milford name...

on a more permanent basis.

Pay attention.
That's a proposal.

Oh, and you don't have to
worry about tossing away
those paintings...

because they belong to Harve.

Oh!
[ Chuckles ]

Are these
magnificent paintings
really yours?

Well, yes.
I-I think so. I...

Oh, well, I was only
saying the other day...

that whoever owns
these paintings...

must be a man
of great taste
and refinement.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, really?

Uh-huh.
Well!

** [ Piano ]
So I'm passing
the police station...

and these two vans
pull up and unload...

the biggest bunch
of night fliers
you've ever seen.

And who do you think
is right smack
in the middle of them?

Your friend, Little Miss Muffet.

How about that?
How about that?

Oh, it's like I always said.

The city is a jungle.

Crawling with vice, it is.

Why, only this week, mind you,

a mere wisp of a child
with the bloom of innocence
still on her cheeks...

comes into the place.

And would you believe it?

Some dirty dog of a scoundrel,

some mean, low-down, cheap,
conniving, two-faced,
lecherous snake in the grass...

Why...
[ Gasps ]

** [ Continues ]

[ Whispering ]
I'll take care of 'em.

You listened last time.
It's my turn. You always
wanna keep the good ones.

Okay, okay.
We'll both
take care of 'em.

[ Gasps ]
Ohh!

[ Customers Murmuring ]

You and your English tailoring.

Tom!

Honey?

A-Are you all right?

Well, Tom...

[ Exhales ]

You know somethin', Charlie?

When you got her around,
you don't need television.

[ Man ]
* The inconceivable

* Becomes achievable

* It's unbelievable

* What you can do

* When that funny feeling

* Touches you

* And she has got
that funny feeling too **