Terry Fator Live in Concert (2014) - full transcript

♪ Birds flying high

♪ you know how I feel

♪ sun in the sky

♪ you know how I feel

♪ breeze drifting on by

♪ you know how I feel

♪ it's a new dawn

♪ it's a new day

♪ it's a new life

♪ for me

♪ and I'm feeling



♪ good...

♪ Oh, I'm feeling good

♪ fish in the sea

♪ you know how I feel

♪ river running free

♪ you know how I feel

♪ blossom on the tree

♪ you know how I feel

♪ it's a new dawn,
it's a new day ♪

♪ it's a new life

♪ for me

♪ and I'm feeling

♪ good

♪ stars when you shine



♪ you know how I feel

♪ scent of the pine

♪ you know how I feel

♪ whoa freedom is mine

♪ and I know
how I feel ♪

♪ it's a new dawn,
it's a new day ♪

♪ it's a new life,
it's a new life ♪

♪ and I'm feeling

♪ good.

♪ Sing once again with me

♪ our strange duet

♪ my power you

♪ grows stronger yet

♪ and still
you turn from me ♪

♪ to glance behind

♪ the phantom

♪ of the opera is there

♪ inside your mind.

Wow.

Winston, I got
to tell you,

that was
spectacular.

I know. That was my
audition for "phantom."

- What?
- I can hardly wait

to do it on stage.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

Yeah, I guess I gotta
break it to you sometime.

- Break what to me?
- Here goes.

Awhile back,

I won "America's got talent"
for you.

See? They know.

And sold out your show
here at the mirage

for four years!

But, Terry,
you don't pay me enough

to keep up
my new Vegas lifestyle.

Wait. What is your
new Vegas lifestyle?

It's expensive going
to the turtle ranch

every single day.

It's 100 bucks
just for a turtle wax!

♪ I got my turtle wax

♪ yeah

♪ all groomed and shiny

♪ got my shell
shellacked ♪

♪ yeah

♪ you can't resist me

♪ when I look like that

♪ yeah

♪ so stick with me
if you like greenbacks ♪

♪ yeah.

Sit down.

Okay, so--

so I've never even
heard of the turtle ranch.

Are you kidding?
It's where all
the celebrities go.

Why, prince Harry
was just there.

Terry:
What? Oh.

All right. So you don't make
enough money in my show.
What are your plans?

You know, Terry,
there are a lot of
other shows in Vegas

- I could try out for.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Like which ones?

Well, look at the screen,
I could try out

for this show here.

Oh! What is that?!

I was young
and I needed the money.

I made
some badchoices.

Yes, you did.
Ohh.

Okay, Winston, please.
You have got to show me
something else.

You have to get that
picture out of my head.

Okay. Look at the screen.
I could try out for this show.

I don't think you would like
working in the blue man group.

- How come?
- Well, they don't talk,

and I know how much
you love to talk.

No, it's weird.
When you're not around,

I don't talk at all.

You know, I could
go out for that new

turtle version
of "survivor."

There's a turtle version
of "survivor"?

- Yeah.
- What's it called?

"So you think you can
cross the road."

- Hey, Terry?
- What?

I could be
Winston bieber?

♪ Hey hey hey

♪ you're my one heart

♪ my one love

♪ my one life for sure

♪ i'ma tell you one time

♪ I wanna
tell you one time. ♪

Terry: Sit.

But, Terry,
my real dream

is to be one
of the Jersey boys.

Why do you want to
be in "Jersey boys"?

They get to wear
turtlenecks.

Can you hit all those
high notes in "Jersey boys"?

Yeah, I wore my
extra tight underpants.

Oh, okay.

♪ Oh, what a night

♪ late December
back in '63 ♪

♪ what a very
special time for me ♪

♪ as I remember
what a night ♪

♪ oh I

♪ I got a funny feeling

♪ when she walked
in the room ♪

♪ and I

♪ as I recall

♪ it ended much too soon

♪ oh, what a night

♪ oh, what a night...

♪ Oh, what a night!

Well, Terry,
this is it.

We all have
to pursue our dreams

sometime or another,
so goodbye.

- You're really leaving?
- I am.

♪ When I walk
into the room ♪

♪ passing out $100 bills

♪ and it kills
and it thrills ♪

♪ like the horns
on my Silverado grill ♪

♪ and I buy the bar
another round of crown ♪

♪ and everybody's getting
down in this town ♪

♪ ain't never gonna
be the same ♪

♪ 'cause I saddle up
my horse ♪

♪ and I ride
into the city ♪

♪ I make a lot of noise

♪ 'cause the girls,
they are so pretty ♪

♪ riding up
and down Broadway ♪

♪ on my old stud Leroy

♪ and the girls say

♪ save a horse

♪ ride a cowboy...

Come on, everybody.
Sing it!

All:
♪ save a horse,
ride a cowboy. ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for country legend

Walter t. Airdale.

Walter:
Thank you so much.

I thank you
very much.

That is real
kind of you.

So Walter,
I have to ask--

Terry Terry Terry Terry
Terry Terry Terry Terry

Terry Terry Terry Terry
Terry Terry Terry Terry

Terry Terry Terry Terry...

Terry.

- What?
- Nothing.
I just feel good.

Why do you feel good?

'Cause, Terry,
I'm taking this opportunity

to announce that I,
Walter t. Airdale,

am running for president.

Wait wait wait wait.

Of the United States?

No.
The hair club for men.

Of course
the United States!

Walter,
you're totally unprepared.

You're always broke
and you're always
borrowing money.

See, I'll make
a great president.

I even got my own
campaign poster.

What?

Oh.

Yeah.

So--

so how's the campaign going?

Just terrible, Terry.

I got these personal attacks
already started.

- Personal attacks?
That's terrible.
- Yeah.

I got these crazy people
trying to say I wasn't
born in America.

- Really?
- Yeah, but I got proof.

You have your
birth certificate?

You bet I do.

I notice you have
brass nuts.

Oh yeah.
Every president
should have them.

Okay. Now now.

Now I would not ask

any of you good voters
to vote for me

unless I have
full disclosure.

What's full disclosure?

I want you folks to know
that I have only had

three scandals
in my entire life.

That's it, just three.
No more, no less.
Only three.

Really?
Just three scandals?

Yeah, and I can explain
all three of them.

- Well, explain them.
- Okay.

With this first one,

someone hacked into
my twit account.

For my second scandal,
I had an eight-night stand

with the octo-mom.

Terry: Walter.

And for my third
and final scandal,

I spent too much time
driving Willie Nelson's
tour bus.

Terry:
What? Walter--

That's just wrong.
Okay.

So that's it.
That's the only three
scandals you've ever had.

That's right Terry.
Now if you don't mind,

I'd like to sing
my campaign song.

It's a little song that
when I become president

it's gonna become
the new motto
of America.

What's the new motto
of America gonna be?

- "Pass that bottle."
- Okay.

♪ Yeah

♪ well, all I want to do

♪ is forget about my ex

♪ left my phone at home

♪ to make sure
I don't drunk text ♪

♪ gonna find somebody new

♪ who won't be
nagging in my ear ♪

♪ and to make sure
she's pretty ♪

♪ pass that bottle here

♪ what I need
to do tonight ♪

♪ is get her off my mind

♪ party like the first
Nascar driver ♪

♪ through the finish line

♪ hey, I've been
popping bottles ♪

♪ shooting corks
up in the air ♪

♪ so grab your umbrella

♪ pass that bottle here

♪ it's gonna rain

♪ it's gonna rain champagne
every night ♪

♪ every night and day

- ♪ it's gonna rain
- ♪ rain

- ♪ rain
- ♪ rain

♪ rain down on me

♪ yeah, all I want
to do tonight ♪

♪ is not think
about work ♪

♪ loosen up my collar

♪ and untuck my shirt

♪ I just got my paycheck

♪ we gonna make it
disappear ♪

♪ this round's on me

♪ oh, pass that bottle here...

Let me here you,
come on.

♪ Pass that bottle,
pass that bottle ♪

♪ pass that bottle here...

Sing it, come on.
♪ pass that bottle

♪ pass that bottle,
pass that bottle here... ♪

Can't here you.
♪ pass that bottle

♪ pass that bottle,
pass that bottle here ♪

♪ pass that bottle

♪ pass that bottle here

♪ it's gonna rain

♪ it's gonna rain
champagne every night ♪

♪ every night and day

- ♪ it's gonna rain
- ♪ rain

- ♪ rain
- ♪ rain

♪ rain down on me

♪ yeah, we're gonna drink

♪ everything they got

♪ and then we'll
move this party ♪

♪ to the parking lot

♪ let's celebrate

♪ hey

♪ pass that bottle to me

♪ pass that bottle to me

♪ pass that bottle to me.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's right.
Oh yeah.

If you'd like
to follow me
on my twit account,

That's @-a-i-r-d-a-l-e-

the number four-p-r-e-z.

Terry, I tell you what.

All this campaigning,
it's exhausting.

Not only that,
earlier today
I cut myself shaving

and my face really hurts.
You got a medic on staff?

- Walter,
as a matter of fact, we do.

Could we get somebody
to come out here and
look at Walter?

I have only had
four scandals in
my entire life.

That's it.
Just four.

Terry, take my hat off.
There's a lady present.

Okay.

Uh, ma'am?

I tell you what.

Not only
are you lovely,

but I can tell
just by looking at you

that you got yourself
a compassionate nature.

Earlier today, ma'am,

I cut myself shaving.

And my face hurts
powerful bad.

Would it be okay with you
if I come over there

and put my injured
cut face against your

lovely, compassionate...
Nature?

Then you could
take me backstage

and take
my temperature...

- The old fashioned way.
- Wait, what?

- What is that
supposed to mean?
- Let's just say

I put the "ky"
in Kentucky.

Oh, that's terrible!

I can't believe--

Would that be
all right?

Sorry.

Stop laughing.
I can't talk.

Sorry.

Would that be
okay with you?

Finally something
about health care reform
we can all agree on!

There you go.-

Woman:
Walter! You're married.

Walter:
I have only had five
scandals in my entire life.

And now please welcome my
dear friend and lounge singer,

monty Carlo.

Monty, listen,
I got to tell you.

It's great
to have you here.

Terry, I almost did not
get here tonight.

Wow, what happened?

Well, I'm a little
out of breath because

I got stuck in traffic,

and I just got here
a second ago.

Wow. Most of us have
probably been stuck in

that Las Vegas
strip traffic.

You know, I saw the strangest
thing out there just now.

- You want to see?
- Yeah. What did you see?

Okay, well, anyway.

We're certainly glad
you made it.

So you told me you had
some exciting news.

Yes, I most certainly do,
Terry.

You know, I have been watching
"America's got talent"

this season,
and I decided next year

I'm gonna audition.

Well,
that's great news.

In case you're not familiar
with monty's work,

he's been trying to hit
the big-time for a long time.

Now I heard though that
at one time you were
in a famous band?

- Yeah. Who.
- You.

- No, who.
- That's what I'm asking.

No, Terry, listen.
I was in the band.

- You were in the band?
- No, I was in who.

- That's what I'm asking.
- Terry, listen to me.

I was in the band.

You were in the band?

No, who.

- You were in who?
- Yes.

- Oh, you were in yes?
- No, I was in who.

- I'm trying to guess who.
- No, Terry.

I was never in
the guess who.

I was in who!

- You were in who?
- Yes.

- You were in yes?
- No, I was in the band.

You just said you
weren't in the band.

I wasn't.
I was in who!

- Yes?
- That's what I'm saying.

- This is ludicrous.
- No, I never played with him.

Anyways.
So what are your plans on
"America's got talent"?

Have you thought about
what you're gonna do
when you audition?

Well, Terry, actually
that's why I'm here.

You know, I thought I'd get
a little advice from the master.

- You mean me?
- Yeah.

Oh, you know what they
love on that show is when

guys your age
do modern songs.

Do you know
any modern tunes?

Like what?

Do you
"sexy and I know it"?

You know Terry,
as a matter of fact,

I do.

♪ If you're sexy
and I know it ♪

♪ clap your hands...

♪ If you're sexy
and I know it ♪

♪ clap your hands

♪ if you're sexy
and I know it-- ♪

Oh, man, that didn't
work out at all.

- No, it did not.
- Hey, maybe I should

stick to what I know?

How about I do
some Dean Martin?

Okay.

♪ When the moon
hits your eye ♪

♪ like a big pizza pie

♪ that's amore

♪ when the world
seems to shine ♪

♪ like you've had
too much wine ♪

♪ that's amore

♪ bells will ring
ting-a-ling-a-ling ♪

♪ ting-a-ling-a-ling
and you'll sing ♪

♪ vita Bella

♪ hearts will play
tippi-tippi-tay ♪

♪ tippi-tippi-tay
like a gay tarantella ♪

♪ when the stars
make you drool ♪

♪ just like pasta fazool

♪ that's amore

♪ when you dance
down the street ♪

♪ with a cloud
at your feet ♪

♪ you're in love

♪ when you walk in a dream

♪ but you know you're
not dreaming, signore♪

♪ 'scusami but you see

♪ back in old napoli

♪ that's amore.

Thank you so much.

Monty, monty.

I gotta tell you,
that sounded a lot like Dean-o.

Well, you know what helps?
If you have a couple of Martinis
before you sing it.

Hey, do you--
do you have time
to sing one more?

You know, Terry,
since I talk like him,

I might as well
sing like him too.

♪ I left my heart...

♪ In San Francisco

♪ high on a hill

♪ it calls to me

♪ to be where

♪ little cable cars

♪ climb halfway
to the stars ♪

♪ the morning fog

♪ may chill

♪ the air

♪ I don't care

♪ my love waits there

♪ in San Francisco

♪ above the blue

♪ and windy sea

♪ when I come home

♪ to you

♪ San Francisco

♪ your golden sun

♪ will shine

♪ for

♪ me.

Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Whoa.

Monty Carlo,
ladies and gentlemen.

Give it up for him.

Monty Carlo.

Don't forget to vote
for him next season.

Don't forget to
vote for Walter.

Hey. Do you--
do you realize

I just introduced you
to two guys who have

big aspirations
to do great things?

Now I want to
introduce you to someone

who has no aspirations
to do anything.

This guy lives right
next door to us--

duggie: Dude.

All of us at one
time or another

has had
an annoying neighbor.

If you haven't,
then you're it.

This guy lives
right next door to us.

He stays up
all hours of the night

with his rowdy friends--

duggie: Dude.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my annoying neighbor.

All right,
so, duggie--

dude!

What?

Why are you
dressed like this?

Dude,
I'm a new superhero.

I call myself...

Captain Morgan.

Along with my
trusty sidekick,

Jose cuervo.

Give me this.
It's ridiculous.

Now look.
The reason I brought
you out here, duggie.

- Is--
- dude!

What?

Hey, did you know there's
a lot of people here?

Yes.

What are
they doing here?

Duggie, these people
came here for you.

- They came here for me?
- They did.

I swear the stuff's
not mine!

I have a prescription.
My grandma has glaucoma!

Duggie, no no.
No no no no no.
Duggie, duggie, no.

They came here
to watch you

entertain them.

- Oh, entertain.
- Yes.

Oh. Whoo.

Look, the reason
I brought you out here--

- squirrel!
- Duggie, please.

The reason
I brought you out,

I want to know
how you're doing.

Dude, I'm not
doing too good

ever since I heard
that Lance Armstrong

got banned for life
for doping.

Yeah, he--
Lance Armstrong did
get banned for life

for doping.

If Las Vegas banned
people for doping,

you'd be talking to
your hand right now.

And you wouldn't
have a band.

What?

So you're
a real party animal?

You have no idea, dude.

I partied all the way
through college,

but hey, I still graduated
with a 4.0.

That was your grade?

No.
Blood alcohol level.

Is that all you do
is drink and get wasted
and have a good time?

No, sometimes I drink
and get wasted and have
a bad time.

That's called having
balance in my life.

Well, if that's all you do,
how do you make a living?

Well, actually, dude,
that's why I'm here.

See, I've invented
some products

that's gonna make me
a millionaire.

Oh really?

Yeah, all I need
is some dude

who has a contract
with maybe a hotel
in Las Vegas.

Maybe someone with
their own theater.

- Who you talking about?
- Dude!

Wait wait.
Me?

- And they call me
the dummy.
- Okay.

Look dude, I'm trying
to make you a partner

in duggie co!

What kind of partner
would I be?

The best kind of partner--
a silent partner.

Let me introduce you
to my line of products.

I call this first one
the highpod.

It only plays music
for the herbally enhanced.

This next one is
the ez baked oven.

It even comes with
my family recipe
for brownies...

With 11 secret herbs.

11 herbs?

- Duggie: Actually just one.
- I figured.

This next one is
hangover helper.

Terry: So far I don't see
anything I would want to
invest in.

Oh, you're gonna love
this next one, though.

What is it?

What is the one thing
you hate

about walking your dog?

Nothing, duggie.
I love to walk my dog.

But do you love to have to
pick up the poo after he's
done with his business?

Well,
it's part of the job.

Not anymore.
Not with the revolutionary

fecal decal.

Terry: What?

Now all you gotta
do is stick one
of these on it

and people will be
happy to see it
laying there.

Oh!

That's horrible.
Duggie,

you don't even
own a dog.

But I will when I get
my next product.

The drug-sniffing-dog
sniffer.

Terry: What?

Oh yeah.

Yeah, the drug-sniffing-dog
sniffer can also--

he can also distract
a drug-sniffing dog

while you hide
your stash.

How is that little dog
gonna distract

the drug-sniffing dog?

Okay, we're done.

That's it. No, stop it.
We're done.

That's it.

Duggie, I haven't seen
one single thing I would
invest in.

Dude, that sucks.

Yeah. So you haven't
made any money.

What are you gonna do?

Well, I guess
I'm gonna go back

and get in my home

and drive it back
to where I'm from.

Where are you from?

Duggie:
Turn it up!

♪ Big wheels
keep on turning ♪

♪ carry me home
to see my kin ♪

♪ singing songs about
the southland ♪

♪ miss my family
once again ♪

♪ and I think it's a sin
sing it, come on!

♪ Sweet home Alabama

♪ where the skies
are so blue ♪

♪ and the government true

♪ sweet home Alabama

♪ sweet home

♪ lord, I'm coming
home to you. ♪

Here I come!

Alabama, whoo!

Rock and roll!

Duggie Scott Walker!

I promise,

25 years ago,
I was as cool as duggie.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.
That is actually me

25 years ago.

Yeah.

I-- I was not cool.

I made some bad choices.

But come on,
admit it.

There's a little duggie
in all of us, right?

Duggie: Dude.

How come the little
bald guy gets to go off
with the hot nurse

and I get stuck in here?

Duggie.

- Right now--
- duggie: Dude.

You got anything to eat?
I'm starving.

Duggie, please.
Anyway.

Right now I'd like
to introduce someone

who is so amazing
he only needs one name.

Julius.

♪ Unforgettable

♪ that's what you are

♪ unforgettable

♪ though near or far

♪ like a song of love

♪ that clings to me

♪ how the thought of you

♪ does things to me

♪ never before

♪ has someone been more

♪ unforgettable

♪ in every way

♪ and forever more

♪ that's how you'll stay

♪ that's why, darling

♪ it's incredible

♪ that someone so

♪ unforgettable

♪ thinks that I am

♪ unforgettable

♪ too.

Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.

Wow.

Wow, Julius.
I gotta tell you,

that was nice.
You know, not only
do you sound like

nat king Cole,
do you realize
that you

look a little bit
like him too?

Well, I'm glad you
noticed that, Terry,

but hey listen,
I got a little
secret to tell you.

I didn't always
look like this.

- No, you didn't?
- No, I did have

a little plastic
surgery.

- Really?
- Yes, I did.

What did you
used to look like?

You know, Terry,
before I got out
here just now

I was across the street
at the venetian.

Did you realize
you have a friend
that works over there?

I did not know that.

I took a picture.
You want to see who it is?

Yeah.
Who is it?

Okay.

Terry, it's a good thing
you brought me out here
when you did.

Somebody needed
to save this show.

How are you gonna
save the show?

I'm gonna do just
what this show needs.

I'm gonna sing
some soul.

All right. Soul.
That'll be good.

Come on. Help me out now.
Put your hands together.

♪ Well, life on the farm
is kind of laid back ♪

♪ ain't much a country boy
like me can't hack ♪

♪ it's early to rise
and early in the sack ♪

♪ thank god
I'm a country boy ♪

♪ well, a simple kind of life
never did me no harm ♪

♪ raised me a family
working on a farm ♪

♪ my days are all filled
with an easy country charm ♪

♪ thank god
I'm a country boy ♪

♪ well, I got me a fine wife,
I got me old fiddle ♪

♪ when the sun's coming up,
I got cakes on the griddle ♪

♪ life ain't nothing
but a funny funny riddle ♪

♪ thank god
I'm a country boy. ♪

Whoo-hoo!

Get that ridiculous hay bale
out of here right now.

Julius...

That was a hoedown.

- What?
- I said that was a hoedown.

Oh, I'm sorry. That means
something different
where I come from.

Okay, fine.
That was not soul.

I thought that was about
all the soul you could handle.

You, my friend,
are the whitest
guy I know.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Let me put it this way:

You make Donny osmond
look like James brown.

Terry:
Well, for your
information, Julius,

I've been working on learning
how to sing a soul song.

This I gotta hear.

♪ No new years day

♪ to celebrate

♪ no chocolate-covered
candy hearts ♪

♪ to give away

♪ no first of spring

♪ no song to sing

♪ in fact, it's just
another ordinary day ♪

♪ I just called

♪ to say

♪ I love you

♪ I just called

♪ to say
how much I care ♪

♪ I do

- ♪ I just...
- Wait, stop it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it,

stop it, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it,

- stop it.
- What?

Even Stevie wonder could see
that sounded white.

And take those ridiculous
sunglasses off.

Fine.
I want to hear you
sing a soul song.

Thought you'd never ask.

♪ Ain't no sunshine
when she's gone ♪

♪ it's not warm
when she's away ♪

♪ ain't no sunshine
when she's gone ♪

♪ she's always
gone too long ♪

♪ anytime she goes away

♪ wonder this time
where she's gone ♪

♪ wonder if
she's gone to stay ♪

♪ ain't no sunshine
when she's gone ♪

♪ and this house
just ain't no home ♪

♪ anytime she goes away

♪ and I know, I know

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know... ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know ♪

♪ I know,
I know, I... ♪

♪ Know

♪ oughtta leave
a young thing alone ♪

♪ ain't no sunshine
when she's gone. ♪

Thank you very much.
Oh, thank you.

Oh yeah.

Thank you so much.

I wish I could
sing like that.

- Terry, I need to go.
- No! No no no.

No, that was real--
could you--

could you do one more?

- You want to hear one more?
- Yes.

Okay okay. Fine.
Now now now
now now now.

You don't have
to ask me twice.

♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know... ♪

- A different song.
- Oh, you want to hear
a different song?

- Yeah.
- Well, why don't you
try to top me?

Okay, I'll try.

♪ Crazy

♪ I'm crazy for

♪ feeling

♪ so lonely

♪ and I'm crazy

♪ for trying

♪ and crazy for crying

♪ and I'm crazy for

♪ loving you.

Thank you.

I stand corrected.

You make Marie osmond
look like James brown.

Well, why don't you
try to top that?

Terry, I would,
but I don't think I can.

Listen, I ain't
feeling so good.

I think I need to go.

Wow. Are you okay?
What's wrong?

Well, I cut myself
shaving a little earlier.

♪ Daddy was
a wicked old bag, hey! ♪

Give it up for Julius,
everybody.

Thank you so much.

Are we having
fun so far?

All right,
it's time to introduce
this wonderful band

from Concord, New Hampshire,

musical director,
bill zappia.

From seal beach, California,
band leader John wackerman.

On trombone
from Baltimore, Maryland,

Dan trinter.

On trumpet from
Vancouver, Washington,

Tom delibero!

On sax from
Springfield, Ohio,

Steve Dawson!

On bass from
Nashville, Tennessee,

Donnie castleman.

And on guitar
from New York City,

Jim buck!

Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise

for the Terry fator band!

Now Terry has two lovely
ladies in his show.

First, from Honolulu, Hawaii,
Terry's assistant

Taylor makakoa.

And second, the lovely
miss Emma Taylor.

♪ At last

♪ my Justin

♪ will come along

♪ my lonely days

♪ are over

♪ and life is like a song

♪ ooh

♪ oh yeah yeah

♪ at last

♪ the skies above

♪ are blue

♪ my heart was wrapped up

♪ in clover

♪ now he is mine...

He's cute,
isn't he?

♪ At last.

Thank you.

Emma Taylor, singing
etta James, sort of.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

- Thank--
- what are you doing, Emma?

I'm thanking all of
the audience individually.

Thank you.
Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Emma.

Hey, can I tell you
my tagline?

You have a tagline?

I do.
I wrote it myself.

- Really?
- I'm very talented
that way.

Oh. Okay.
We would love to
hear your tagline.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, okay.
Okay.

Emma Taylor,

the little white girl...

With a big black voice.

I guess etta James
is a big black voice.

I know it is.

Do you any other
big black voices?

You know,
as a matter of fact,

- I do one more.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Which one?

- Aretha!
- Really?

♪ Looking out

♪ on the morning rain

♪ uh ooh

♪ I used to feel
so uninspired ♪

♪ uh ooh

♪ and when I knew

♪ I had to face
another day ♪

♪ uh ooh

♪ lord

♪ it made me
feel so tired ♪

♪ before the day
I met you ♪

♪ life was so unkind

♪ but you were the key
to my piece of mind ♪

♪ 'cause you make me feel

♪ you make me feel

♪ you make me feel

♪ like a

♪ natural

♪ woman.

Emma Taylor singing
aretha Franklin.

Thank you.

I gotta tell you

in the four years
I've been here at
the mirage,

it's just been amazing.

So many wonderful
things have happened

and it's been
quite a journey.

And I want to tell you
about a specific story

about a family who came out
to see my show awhile back.

They had a four-year-old
boy who had cancer.

And through
the make-a-wish foundation,

they were able to
offer him a trip

to wherever
he wanted to go.

Now being four-years-old,
they assumed

that he would tell them
he wanted to go to--

to Disneyland,

but he told them
he wanted to go to Las Vegas...

To see Terry fator.

It was-- it was such
a wonderful evening.

He loved the show.
He loved all the puppets.

And then afterwards,
we took the family backstage

and I introduced him
to a couple of the characters,

gave him one
of the little Winston turtles
you see out front.

It was just--
it was just a magical evening.

And about a week later
his parents called and told us

that he had passed away.

There was a song
that I had written

several years before.
I was doing it
in all my shows

up until
I started in Vegas.

The experts that were
helping me put

my "Las Vegas" show together

explained to me that
even though that song

was loved by audiences
coast to coast,

it would never work here.

"These Las Vegas audiences,

they're different.

Those people are
never gonna understand

why you would ever
put a song like that

in a Las Vegas show"...

I was told.

And that was a woman.

Anyway...

I did what they asked.
I removed the song
from my show.

But after hearing from
that little boy's parents,

I wished
I'd done it that night

'cause I truly felt
that it would have

meant a lot
for them to hear it.

So I put it back in my show
in memory of that little boy.

This is that song.

It's called
"horses in heaven."

♪ Little Bobby playing

♪ with his
six-year-old friend ♪

♪ plastic horses gallop

♪ on imaginary wind

♪ they play all day

♪ when Bobby asks
what he wants next year ♪

♪ when he turns seven

♪ with a sigh

♪ his friend replied

♪ "are there
horses in heaven? ♪

♪ Are there horses in heaven?

♪ Can we ride them
to the stars? ♪

♪ Will they take us
up to Jesus ♪

♪ and drop us off
in his arms? ♪

♪ Will I know
how to ride them ♪

♪ before I get
to be seven ♪

♪ I just got to know

♪ are there
horses in heaven?" ♪

♪ After months
and months of chemo ♪

♪ Bobby's friend
is getting weak ♪

♪ he spends less
and less time here ♪

♪ now he can
hardly speak ♪

♪ Bobby asks him
what he wants ♪

♪ next month
when he turns seven ♪

♪ a tight hold
on his little horse ♪

♪ he said

♪ "are there
horses in heaven? ♪

♪ Are there horses
in heaven? ♪

♪ Can we ride them
through the stars? ♪

♪ Will they take us
up to Jesus ♪

♪ and drop us off
in his arms? ♪

♪ Will I know
how to ride them ♪

♪ before I get
to be seven? ♪

♪ Someone tell me please

♪ are there
horses in heaven?" ♪

♪ Bobby didn't
see his friend ♪

♪ after that day came

♪ his mama
couldn't find the words ♪

♪ didn't know
how to explain ♪

♪ she finally told
little Bobby ♪

♪ "your friend
never reached seven" ♪

♪ Bobby said
"I know, mom, he told me ♪

♪ oh guess what?
There are horses in heaven" ♪

♪ there are
horses in heaven ♪

♪ we can ride them
to the stars ♪

♪ 'cause they took
him up to Jesus ♪

♪ and dropped him off
in his arms ♪

♪ and he knew
how to ride them ♪

♪ he never got
to see seven ♪

♪ but now he knows

♪ there are
horses in heaven ♪

♪ Now he knows

♪ there are
horses in heaven. ♪

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

See, I knew
you would get it.

That song was

based on a true story

that a woman
told to me.

And she asked me
if I would write
a song about it.

And it was actually
a gift given to me
in a dream.

I dreamt every
word of that song.

And I feel I should
be responsible with
that gift,

so we are working on
releasing it nationally.

I want you to know
the proceeds are going to

St. Jude's hospital.

Maybe you'd like
a copy of the song.

It's available
on iTunes.

So I'm gonna
ask you a question.

Well, first of all,
let me just say

have you noticed that
I've been singing

a few songs
by myself tonight?

I like to do that
occasionally

'cause after seeing me
on television,

most people don't even
realize I can sing.

No, it's true.

I know what you're thinking.
You're sitting out there
saying to yourselves,

"that's all well and good,
but get back to it, puppet boy."

Okay.

Okay, here's the question:

- Would anyone--
- duggie: Dude.

Could you order a pizza?
I'm still hungry.

Duggie, please.
Anyway. All right.

Here's the question:

Would anyone like to hear
some Elvis Presley?

I can't do Elvis.

But lucky for all of us,
earlier today I was out
in the casino.

This guy came up
and started talking to me.

He was wearing
an Elvis costume.

What are the odds?
Anyway.

He told me he's the best
Elvis impersonator in the world.

So here to
help me out tonight,

please welcome
the self-proclaimed

world's greatest
Elvis impersonator!

All right.

- So--
- oh, Terry.
Oh oh oh oh oh.

Oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh oh oh

oh my, oh my, oh my,
oh my goodness gracious,

Terry, oh my
goodness gracious, Terry.

What?

Terry, I, um--

I have to tell you
something, Terry.

What is it?

Okay okay.
I just--

I just want you to know
that I feel very good about
myself right now.

- Really? That's wonderful.
- Yeah.

Why do you feel
good about yourself?

'Cause, um--

right before I got here
just now, Terry,

- I helped somebody.
- Really?

Yeah, right out front
of the mirage.

That's very sweet.
Who did you help?

I took a picture.

Okay.

Well, thanks
for helping him.

All right.
So why don't you start

by telling everybody
your name?

Okay, my name--

My name is-- is--

it is, um...

Okay. My name--

is-is-is--

just--

okay.
Let me start over.

- My name--
- just tell them your name!

Okay. Maynard tompkins.

- Maynard tompkins.
- That's right.

Maynard, you told me earlier
that you're the best Elvis
impersonator in the world.

That's right.
In-in-in--

Terry, you could--

you-- in--

- yes, I am.
- Okay.

Well, that's great.
So just do it.

Do what?

- Do your impression.
- I can't do it in front
of people.

- Where do you do it?
- Inside my head.

Listen,
I'll do it right now.

Listen listen.

Oh, it sounds
fantastic tonight.

Yeah, I bet it does.
Maynard,

look, I brought you out--

Terry, when--

When I get in front
of people, Terry,

that's when
I get nervous.

And--

and when I get
nervous, Terry,

that when I start--

that's when i--

it makes--

I have trouble
communicating.

Yeah, okay.

Well, look.
There's an old--

oh, okay okay.

There's an old
show business trick
I've heard about.

When people like you
get nervous in front
of a crowd,

all you have to do is
look out at the audience--

really?
I can do that.

Okay, now imagine them
in their underwear.

What?

It's supposed to
help you relax.

- It is?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, I'll try
anything here.

You know,
this is relaxing.

- Hey!
- What?

Some of them ain't
wearing underwear!

What Elvis songs
do you know?

Terry, I know every single

Elvis song ever
recorded in the world.

- That is amazing.
- I know, Terry.

I am amazing.

Well, why don't we
let the audience

yell their favorite
Elvis song out.

You pick any one
of them you want.

- And sing it.
- Terry, that is just
a fine idea.

Okay. Don't be shy.
Yell them right out
for me.

Wait wait.
Raise your hand

if you said
"love me tender."

Who said
"love me tender"?
Raise their hand.

Oh, this lady
right over here.

Okay.
Come on up here.

No no no no.
Don't. Maynard.

She wants you to sing
the Elvis song
"love me tender."

Oh, I thought she was
flirting with me.

No.

That's too bad 'cause
she's one of the ones

that's not
wearing underwear.

- Love me tender!
- Stop yelling.

Don't yell.
Use your mic.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Love me tender.

Do you actually know
"love me tender"?

Yes, Terry.
That happens to be
my very favoritest

- Elvis song
ever in the world.
- That's amazing.

Ma'am, you picked his
favorite Elvis song in
the world.

Okay.
Here it comes.

Prepare to be dazzled.

Okay, here it comes.

Love me.

Love me tender.

Aah.

♪ Love me ten--

aah.

Okay.

I don't know
"love me tender."

You--

you just told
that lady--

I know every single
Elvis song except
"love me tender."

I am so sorry.
Why don't you pick a song

- and do it.
- Really? I can pick
any one I want?

- Any one you want.
- Really? Okay.

Let me think here.

"All shook up!"

Okay okay okay.
Don't yell.

Use your microphone.
Now do you actually know

- "all shook up"?
- Yes, Terry.

That is my favoritest
Elvis song ever

in the entire world.

Fine.
Just do it.

Okay okay.

All shook up.

Okay.
Here it comes.

No more messing
around here.

Here it comes.

Aah.

Aah!

Aah.

I don't know
"all shook up."

Maynard!

- I want--!
- You don't have to yell.

You have a microphone.

Maynard, do you know
any Elvis songs at all?

No, I don't.

I have been deliberately
wasting your time.

I do know an
Aaron Neville song.

I don't care if you know
an Aaron Neville song.

♪ If you want

♪ something to play with

♪ then go and find
yourself a toy ♪

♪ 'cause, baby,
my time is too expensive ♪

♪ and I'm not
a little boy ♪

♪ If you

♪ are serious

♪ don't play with my heart

♪ it makes me furious

♪ but if you want me
to love you ♪

♪ then, baby, I will

♪ girl, you know I will

♪ tell it like it is

♪ don't be ashamed

♪ let your conscience

♪ be your guide

♪ but I

♪ know deep down
inside of me ♪

♪ I believe you love me

♪ forget your
foolish pride. ♪

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

What?

I told you, Terry.
I'm the best Elvis--

- that was not Elvis!
- You did not let me
finish.

I am the best
Elvis impersonator

who sings
Aaron Neville songs.

What's the matter,
Terry?

What--
what's the matter?

What's the matter, Terry?

- What's the matter?
- Read my lips.

What's the matter?

You look perturbed.

You look perturbed.

Dang, that's hard to say
without moving your lips.

It really is.

That's got all
the hard letters.

It really does.

I think I'll try it.
Perturbed.

Dang, I think I did that
better than you.

You did. Okay.

How come
you're so upset?

Because, maynard,

you came out here
under false pretenses.

I don't know
what that means.

- What?
- False...

Okay, it means
you came out here

telling everybody
you knew every Elvis
song in the world,

and then you
didn't know any.

- Look. I'm just--
- I can make it better.

- Really?
- Yeah.

How are you gonna
make it better?

Okay okay.

See, I have a plan.

- Really?
- Yes.

And my plan--
okay.

You're gonna feel
much better after
my plan.

What is your plan?

Okay.

I'm gonna sing
two more songs--

wait wait wait.

What?

You know we did not
prepare for you

to sing two more songs.

I know, Terry,
but it's the only way

that I can
implement my plan.

Well, what two songs
do you want to do?

It don't matter, Terry.
You don't know them.

Fine.
I don't care.
Just do them.

Okay. This song
goes out to that lady

that's not
wearing underwear.

♪ Love me tender

♪ love me sweet

♪ never let me go

♪ you have made
my life complete ♪

♪ and I love you so

♪ love me tender

♪ love me true

♪ all my dreams fulfilled

♪ for, my darling

♪ I love you

♪ and I always will.

♪ Well, bless my soul

♪ what's wrong with me?

♪ I'm itching like a man
on a fuzzy tree ♪

♪ my friends say I'm acting
as wild as a bug ♪

♪ I'm in love

♪ I'm all shook up

♪ Uh! I'm all shook up

♪ oh oh oh

♪ oh

♪ yeah yeah

♪ well, my hands are shaking
and my knees are weak ♪

♪ I can't seem to stand
on my own two feet ♪

♪ who do you thank
when you have such luck? ♪

♪ I'm in love

♪ I'm all shook up

♪ oh oh oh

♪ oh

♪ yeah yeah

♪ I'm all shook up.

Maynard,
those were both
Elvis songs.

- They were?
- Yes.

Oh, then I guess
I am the best

Elvis impersonator
in the world.

Maynard tompkins,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen,
maynard has left the building.

And now please welcome
a gentleman

who is relatively new
to the entertainment
community.

He's on his world
coming out tour.

Put your hands together
for the amazing

and wonderful
Barry fabulous.

Oh, thank you
so much for getting me
out of the closet.

It was getting
crowded in there.

I bet it was.

So it's very nice to
meet you, Barry fabulous.

And it is nice
to meet you,
ferry tator.

No, it's not
ferry tator.

No, Barry.

It's Terry fator.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm fabulous and dyslexic.

Okay.

So I understand you
have a very important

announcement
you wanted to make?

I certainly do.

I want all of you to know

that I finally got up
enough nerve

to tell my father about
my lifestyle choice.

I went into his room

and I said...

"Papa?

♪ Can you hear me?"

Well, that would do it.

Um...

So that must have taken
a lot of courage.

It certainly did.
And you know,

I'm gonna use
the same courage

to tell all
of you the same thing
I told my father.

I want all of you
to know

that I, Barry fabulous,

am a proud...

Lawyer.

- Lawyer?
- That's right.

With the law firm
"fabulous, fabulous,

long, and fabulous."

Which fabulous are you?

Oh honey,
I'm long.

I'm also a proud member
of the l.G.B.T. Community.

- Okay, we figured that.
- That's right,

lawyer guys
banding together.

Did you just say
"lawyer guys
banding together"?

That's what I said.

What do you guys do?

We give each other
restraining orders.

We just love
the oral arguments.

And there's nothing
more fabulous than
a hung jury.

Terry: Okay,
that's enough. Thank you.

Okay.
So as a--

sorry.
As an attorney,

have you been able
to represent any
celebrities?

You know, I just got my very
first celebrity this week.

It's a very famous cowboy
from right here in Las Vegas.

Really?
What did he do?

He spent too much time
with prince Harry.

What?

Okay.

- So, uh--
- Walter: I have only
had six scandals

in my entire life.

Thank you, Walter.

So did you get him off?

Oh, he got a stiff fine,

but he said there's
no hard feelings.

Okay okay.

So why don't we
talk about your style.

You have a very
unusual style for
an attorney.

You talk
about my clothes?

- Actually your hair.
- Yes, I took a Viagra.

It went straight
to my head.

But you see,
the reason I dress like this

is because I have
a second career.

After I passed the bar,

I started
singing in them.

I'm on my coming out
tour right now.

- We know that.
- And then I'm going straight
to where the big money is.

I'm going straight to
my retirement tour

just like my idol,
Cher.

Oh, no no no.
Not that chair.

That's way too modern.
I meant the antique Cher.

Terry: Okay.

♪ Do you believe
in life after love? ♪

♪ I can feel something
inside me say ♪

♪ I really don't think
you're strong enough, no ♪

♪ do you believe
in life after love? ♪

♪ I can feel something
inside me say ♪

♪ I really don't think
you're strong enough, no. ♪

Wow.

She looks much better
than I remember.

She must have had
a "Cher lift."

So is Cher
your favorite?

No, actually
there is one icon

who I consider to be
the queen of divas.

The queen of divas?

No, it's not Elton John.

- It's Barbara!
- Of course.

♪ Don't tell me
not to live ♪

♪ just sit and putter

♪ life's candy
and the sun's ♪

♪ a ball of butter

♪ don't bring around a cloud

♪ to rain on my parade

♪ I'll march my band

♪ I'll beat my drum

♪ and if I'm fanned out

♪ your turn at bat, sir

♪ at least I didn't fake it

♪ hat, sir

♪ guess I didn't make it

♪ get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer ♪

♪ I simply got to march,
my heart's a drummer ♪

♪ don't bring around a cloud
to rain on my parade! ♪

Don't forget to come out
and see my show.

Barry fabulous,
ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

Duggie: Whoa.

Hey, what's liberace
doing here?

We've come to
a special part of the show

where I like to recognize
some very special people.

If you're active duty
or a military veteran,

would you do us a favor
and stand for a moment

so we can recognize and
thank you for serving
your country, please.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Terry:
Thank you, ma'am.

So many tonight. Wow.

Thank you so much.

You know,

we want you to feel proud
of yourselves tonight,

because we are certainly
proud of you.

I'd like to dedicate this song
to all of you

that just acknowledged
yourselves,

and to your families.

To the families of those
that haven't come home yet.

♪ Sunday afternoon, superheroes
on the silver screen ♪

♪ holds his daddy's hand
at the scary part ♪

♪ popcorn and sticky floors
completes the scene ♪

♪ costumed crusaders
shining through the dark ♪

♪ innocent eyes

♪ look up questioning

♪ "daddy, are there
heroes in real life?" ♪

♪ back at home, he shows
a folded flag in a glass case ♪

♪ and touching
a picture of his wife ♪

♪ he says

♪ "I believe
there are heroes ♪

♪ who have daughters
and sons ♪

♪ they will fight
to defend us ♪

♪ while all others
would run ♪

♪ yes, there are heroes

♪ and your mother
was one ♪

♪ she gave her life
to protect us ♪

♪ a heroes work's
never done ♪

♪ I believe
there are heroes ♪

♪ there is no greater

♪ love than this

♪ to sacrifice your life

♪ so someone else
can live ♪

♪ I believe
there are heroes ♪

♪ who have daughters
and sons ♪

♪ they will fight
to defend us ♪

♪ while all others
would run ♪

♪ yes, there are heroes

♪ and your mother
was one ♪

♪ she gave her life
to protect us ♪

♪ a heroes work's
never done ♪

♪ I believe
there are heroes" ♪

♪ Innocent hearts are
still questioning ♪

♪ are there heroes
in real life? ♪

♪ All alone I sit

♪ with folded hands
in a dark room ♪

♪ to change the darkness
into light ♪

♪ I believe
there's a hero ♪

♪ who gave up his son

♪ lived his life
to defend us ♪

♪ till his mission
was done ♪

♪ yes, there's a hero

♪ and his work's
just begun ♪

♪ gave his life
to protect us ♪

♪ so that we could
live on ♪

♪ I believe
there are heroes ♪

♪ yes, there

♪ are heroes.

Thank you.

I take that--

I take that ovation
for all the heroes
that are here

and all over the world.
So thank you for that,

for giving them
that ovation.

I want you to know
I wrote that song

for our heroes that we have
all over the world

and here tonight.

And I also want you to know
that the proceeds from that song

are going
to our wounded warriors.

So thank you
for supporting that song.

Now.

Now comes a time when
I have to ask you a question:

Are you enjoying
the show tonight?

I'm so glad to hear it.
Now what about...

This guy right
here in the third row
in the blue shirt.

Are you enjoying
my show tonight, sir?

You are?
You are definitely?

Okay. That's great.
Isn't-- that's great.

Stand up for me
for a second, sir.

Isn't life funny?

I mean, one minute
you're sitting out there

enjoying my show,
and the next minute

you're on stage
in my show.

Give this guy
some encouragement.

Come this way, sir.

Come this way.

What I want you to do is
go right--

no, don't come up there,
go through there

through those doors
right there, okay?

They're gonna take you
an easier way on stage.

Now this lady that's with him,
this lady that's with him.

What is your--
are you married to him?

- Yes.
- You are. Okay,
what's your name, ma'am?

- Paula.
- Paula.

Nice to meet you, Paula.
What's his name?

- Drew.
- Drew and Paula.

Where are you from, Paula?

- Detroit.
- Detroit, okay.

Well thanks. You came out
to Vegas to get away from

all that Detroit heat.

That's what I figured.

Now how long have you and
drew been married, Paula?

- Eight years.
- Eight years?

Well, thanks for coming out.
Did you guys come out for a
special occasion?

We came out
with some friends.

Just came out
with some friends.

Well, thank you so much for
making the Terry fator show

a part of your trip here.

Now drew had no idea
I was gonna pick him tonight.

So here's what I need you to do.
He might be a little shy,

so do me a favor--
"no way." Okay.

That's what--
Paula says, "no way."

So do me a favor.
When drew comes out here,

please cheer
really really loud for him

so that he feels very
comfortable up here on stage.

From Detroit, Michigan,
ladies and gentlemen,

give it up
for drew right here.

All right.
Thank you so much, drew.

It's very nice
to meet you.

Thank you for doing this.
Now what's about to happen

is I'm gonna
turn you into a puppet.

And since you've been
married for eight years,

you already know
what this feels like

so it's not gonna be
a big shock to you.

So do me a favor.
Turn around.

Taylor's gonna
outfit you in a mask.

This mask is gonna
allow me the ability

to take over
drew's ability to talk.

Now, Paula, I'm gonna show you
how easy it is to do this.

All you need
to make him talk

is one of these
right here.

Okay.

Now drew,
I'm gonna ask you
some questions.

You don't have to say anything.
I'll do all the talking.

All we want you to do
is nod or shake your head no.

Don't look at me,
look at the audience

so they can see
your beautiful face.

So...

You can tell by this reaction
that you look really good.

So now.
First of all--

first of all, is this mask
really comfortable, drew?

Yes, it is, Terry.

Good. That's important.
We want you to be
comfortable up here.

- How are you doing, drew?
- Terry, I'm not too good.

I cut myself shaving
a little earlier.

Terry: Wait wait.

I have had only seven
scandals in my entire life.

Now drew!
You can't sit here
and tell these jokes.

Your wife Paula
is sitting out there.

Do you have something special
you want to say to Paula?

- Oh, you bet I do.
- Okay.

What would you
like to say?

Paula, honey, we've been
married for eight years.

- Yeah.
- Three of the happiest
years of my life.

Wait, what?

Now surely you can
do better than that.

Would you like to say
something else to her?

- You bet I would.
- Okay.

What else do you
what to say?

From now on, honey,

you get to keep
the remote control.

I am sick of sports
and I can't get enough
Dr. Phil.

Terry:
Well that's
very nice of you, drew.

Okay.

Now drew,
now we're gonna
get personal.

Is there a special
secret wish?

Something you have
never told anyone,

not even
your wife Paula--

let me finish
the question, drew--

that you would like
to get off your chest

and share with
this crowd tonight?

Actually, Terry,
yeah there is.

I figured there was.
What is that special wish?

Terry, there's
something I've wanted

ever since I was
a little bitty boy.

Something every red-blooded
American boy has always wanted.

Wow.
What is that, drew?

My greatest wish, Terry.
My greatest dream...

Has always been...

To be Dolly parton.

- Oh really?
- Yeah.

Wow.

Well, that's--

that's very unusual.
But it's amazing

because we can help you
make your wish come true.

Terry, if you did that,
this would be the best
trip to Vegas ever!

Okay, we can do it.
We can do it.

We can do it, drew.

Now drew,
in order to do this

we do have to put
a dress on you.

Is that okay with you?

Don't ask, don't tell.

Okay, we won't.
Just turn around.
Turn around.

I gotta tell you,
drew's talking
under that mask.

You people can't hear him,
but I can.

On the plus side,
I think I learned

some Detroit
cuss words,

so that's very helpful.

So anyway,
ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
the one and only

miss Dolly parton
right here.

There she is.
Wow.

- How you doing?
- Feels good to
have hair again.

Good! I'm glad
you like that part,

drew.

You know, you look
really comfortable.

Terry, I do this all the time
when Paula's not around.

Okay, well...

She probably needed
to know that, drew.

Now drew,
there is a couple
of things missing

from this outfit.

Yell them right out.
What's missing? Come on.

Thank you, Taylor.
There they are.

Oh yeah.
These are real.

Whatever you say.
Whatever you say.

Now drew,
we're gonna do a duet.

I'm gonna sing
like rod Stewart--

okay. Can I sing
like Dolly parton?

Yes, you can.
Now when you start
singing as Dolly,

I want you to do me a favor.
I want you to dance.

This crowd's gonna go crazy
when you start dancing, drew.

Okay, show them how
Dolly would sing it,
drew!

♪ I really can't stay

♪ baby, it's cold outside

♪ I've got to go away

♪ baby, it's cold outside

♪ this evening has been

♪ so very nice

♪ I hold your hands

♪ they're just like ice

♪ my mother will
start to worry ♪

♪ you're beautiful

♪ and my father will be
pacing the floor ♪

♪ listen to that
fireplace roar ♪

♪ really,
I'd better scurry ♪

♪ baby, what's your hurry?

♪ Well maybe just
a half a drink more ♪

♪ put some records on
while I pour ♪

♪ I can't stay

♪ baby, don't hold out

♪ baby, it's cold

♪ outside

♪ just give me
five minutes more. ♪

Give it up for drew,
ladies and gentlemen.

Drew!

Drew!

You are not gonna believe
what he just said as he was--

As she's taking
the dress off, he goes,

"if my wife takes
the remote control
when I get home,

you're going down."

Oh man.
Was he good or what?

Was he perfect?

Now I promise you
he had no idea--

he had no idea that
I was gonna do that.

So you know what?
He's gonna come walking
through these doors

in a moment.
Now when drew walks
through those doors,

I need you to do me
a huge favor.

I want you to treat him
like a rock star.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
drew!

Thank you, drew.

All right, drew.

I have to tell you, drew.
Listen, I'll tell
you something.

I-- I told everybody
you had no idea I was
gonna do that.

And I promise you
Paula did not set you up.

Nobody set you up.

Here's how I do this.
Every single night
as I'm performing,

I scan my crowd.
I do my best to locate someone

who's gonna look
good in that dress.

Bingo.

Thank you so very much, drew.

Thank you, Paula.
Give them a hand.

What a great job.

Okay, now we've come to
a special part of the show

where this little guy here--

here we go.
Let's see here.

Right here.
Isn't he adorable?
Look at him.

This little guy
is gonna go to

the oldest veteran
we have in the audience.

So if you're a veteran
and you're old--

no wait.

If you think you
qualify for this,

start yelling ages
out here.

- 80?
- 86.

86?

Can anybody beat 86?

87? 89?

Okay, no? 86.
My goodness gracious.

Oh, I think that's
gonna be our winner.

So can you bring this
back to that gentleman
over there

that served in
the civil war?

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your service,
my friend. Thank you.

Wow. See, what I'm
actually doing

is I'm stalling
because normally

Winston the impersonating turtle
helps me end the show,

and he quit earlier.

So... oh! Okay.

Here's how we're
gonna end the show--

- Winston: Terry.
- Wait.

That sounded like Winston
the impersonating turtle.

Winston, was that you?

- Winston: Yes.
- What is it?

Can I come back?

Is it okay
if Winston comes back?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Winston the impersonating
turtle.

He's coming back!

Winston, buddy,
I gotta tell you

I'm so glad you're back.

What, are you
giving my kids away?

What? Oh...

Uh, anyway.

I'm so glad you're back.
Honestly, Winston,

I didn't think I even
wanted to keep doing
shows without you.

Oh, Terry. You know,
I got out there to the strip

and at first
it was a lot of fun.

Yeah,
we saw the pictures.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- What happened?

After a little while,
I just got lonely.

Yeah, it was awful!

Yeah, I bet it was.
Okay.

Terry, if you'll
take me back,

you don't even have
to give me a raise.

- I don't?
- No.

What do you think?
Should I take him back?

Okay okay.

- Winston, guess what?
- What?

Not only am I
gonna take you back,

I'll go ahead and
give you a raise too.

Terry, guess what?

- What?
- I'm going to let you.

Okay.

- So I have to ask--
- no, can I say something first?

What do you want to say?

I want each and every one
of you to know that...

I love you.

- Thank you.
- Woman: I love you too!

Was that you?
Was that you?

No. That's people
in the audience.

It's not me.
All right.

Anyway.

You're really good.

No, that was not me.
I'm telling you.

That was actually
people yelling.

- I'm so confused.
- So am I.

So anyway.

So I have to ask.

You said it was
lonely out there?

Oh, you have no idea.

Did anything good happen
while you were wandering around

out there on the strip?

Yeah, I got about 200
of these really cool cards

they're handing out
on the corners.

- You want to see one?
- No, I don't.

No, Terry, there's one
you have to see.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, fine.
Show it to me.

Walter:
I have only had eight
scandals in my entire life.

Well, I guess now that
you're back, Winston,

you can help me sing
the last song.

I don't think I can,
Terry.

Why not?

I have a frog
in my throat.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hi-ho.
Kermit the frog here.

♪ I see trees of green

♪ red roses too

♪ I see them bloom

♪ for me and you

♪ and I think to myself

♪ what a wonderful world...

Okay, Terry.
You sing now.

- You want me to?
- Yeah.

Okay, I will.

♪ I see skies of blue

♪ And clouds of white

♪ the bright blessed days

♪ and dark sacred nights

♪ and I think to myself

♪ what a wonderful world

♪ The colors
of the rainbow ♪

♪ so pretty in the sky

♪ are also on the faces

♪ of people going by

♪ I see friends
shaking hands ♪

♪ saying "how do you do"

♪ they're really saying

♪ "I love you"

♪ I hear babies cry

♪ I watch them grow

♪ they'll learn much more

♪ than I'll ever know

♪ and I think to myself

♪ what a wonderful world

♪ I think to myself...

- You finish.
- No, you finish.

- No, you.
- No, you finish.

- Please?
- Okay.

♪ What a wonderful

♪ world

♪ Oh yes.

Thank you so much,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Good night!
- Thank you.
Good night!

Thank you!

Oh yeah!