Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (2006) - full transcript

-Ready, Kage?
-Ready.

Let`s do this.

Fatty.

Check.

-Bean and cheese burrito.
-Bean and cheese...

Tenacious sound
check initiated.

Engage, Kage!

High-five!

Two, three...

A long-ass fucking time ago
In a town called Kickapoo

There lived a humble family
Religious through and through



But there was a black sheep
And he knew just what to do

His name was Young JB
And he refused to step in line

A vision he did see
Of fucking rocking all the time

He wrote a tasty jam
And all the planets did align

Oh, the dragon`s balls were blazing
As I stepped into his cave

Then I sliced his fucking cookies
With my long and shiny blade

It was I who fucked the dragon
Fucka lye, sing, fucka loo

And if you try to fuck with me
Then I shall fuck you too

Gotta get it on
In the party zone

I got to shoot a load
In the party zone

Gotta lick a toad
In the party zone

Gotta suck a choad
In the party zone

You disobeyed my orders, son,
Why were you ever born?

Your brother`s 10 times better than you
Jesus loves him more



This music that you`ve played for us
Comes from the depths of hell

Rock & Roll`s the Devil`s work
He wants you to rebel

You`ll become a mindiess puppet
Beelzebub will pull the strings

Your heart will lose direction
And chaos it will bring

You better shut your mouth
You better watch your tone

You`re grounded for a week
With no telephone

Don`t let me hear you cry
Don`t let me hear you moan

You gotta praise the Lord
When you`re in my home

Dio, can you hear me?
I am lost and so alone

I`m asking for your guidance
Won`t you come down from your throne?

I need the tight compadre
Who will teach me how to rock

My father thinks you`re evil
But, man, he can suck a cock

Rock is not the Devil`s work
It`s magical and rad

I`ll never rock as long as
I am stuck here with my dad

I hear you brave young Jables
You are hungry for the rock

But to learn the ancient methods
Secret doors you must unlock

Escape your father`s clutches
And this oppressive neighborhood

On a journey you must go
To find the land of Hollywood

In the city of fallen angels
Where the ocean meets the sand

You will form a strong alliance
And the world`s most awesome band

To find your fame and fortune
Through the valley you must walk

You will face your inner demons

Now go, my son
And rock!

So he balled from fucking Kickapoo
With hunger in his heart

And he journeyed far and wide
To find the secrets of his art

But in the end he knew
That he would find his counterpart

Rock!

Rock!

This place is awesome.

Gold, man.

-Oh, man!
-Thank you.

Oh, my God.

OK...

that was the best thing
I have ever seen.

-Who are you?
-The name`s Kyle Gass.

Kyle Gass.

Dude...

will you just teach me that one thing
that you did? Where you`re playing...

I`m not giving
free guitar lessons today.

Why don`t you stand
over there?

Right here?

You`re awesome.

This next piece
is by Johann Sebastian Bach...

And it`s entitled
Bourr?e in E Minor.

Check this out,
this guy`s insane.

Man, are you guys stupid?

Don`t you know genius
when you see it?

Damn!

Anyway...

my name`s JB.

-Just rolled into town.
-Would you give me some space?

-You`re kinda cramping my style.
-Oh, dude, I`m sorry.

And you`re driving away
my crowd.

If you just move back,
like I asked you earlier...

I think things are gonna be
a lot better.

OK. Fine.

-Sorry.
-Thanks.

Can`t you see he`s the man?
Let me hear you applaud

He`s more than a man
He`s a shining golden god!

If you think it`s time to fucking rock
And fucking roll out of control

Well, then you know
You`ve got to rock the block

You fucking suck
My fucking cock

"Cause when you rule
You fucking school

All of the fools
Out of theirjewels

"Cause if you think it`s time to
If you think it`s time to

If you think
It`s time to fucking rock

He is going
To kick your fucking ass

And you know
His name is Kyle Gass

Rocking and fucking rolling

And fucking rocking
And fucking rolling

And fucking...

Yeah!

Dudes!

That was bad-ass.

You guys are like
electric dynamite.

What`s the name
of your band?

We`re not a band. They call me
KG Solo Man Five Thousand...

and I aim to keep it that way.

I`m outta here.

This place is tapped.

Jeez Louise, papa cheese.

I know. It`s OK.

It`s just part of his genius.

Well, I can`t get
To sleep tonight

No matter how hard I try

"Cause it`s cold
And it`s dark

And the moon
Cannot light the way

And Daddy`s gone

I`m just a baby

Well.
What do we have here?

My little snuggles.

I spy a stinking, filthy fag!

Sniveling...

like a wee baby!

He does look like a fucking baby.

-Wee baby.
-Listen, fellas. I don`t wanna fight.

So if you don`t...

Look at this. What is it?
Needs a popping, my brother.

Hey, no. Give me that back.
That`s my lucky guitar pick.

That`s my lucky guitar pick.

Hey! Okay!

Let`s go!

That`s right, run.
Unless you want some more of this!

You saved me.

That`s all right.
They had it coming.

How can I repay you?

We`ll work something out.

This place is futuristic.

Yeah, this is my pad, here.
Number four.

Not hard to remember.
Just think, "My door is four".

Pretty cool.

Wow. Nice pad.

-You got this place all to yourself?
-Yeah.

I try to keep it simple.
This is where I stay when I write.

It`s quite minimalist.

I don`t like anything to get in the way
of my creative juices.

Cool.

I`m working on my solo album
right now.

Yeah, Kyle Gass Project.

It`s got some pretty
breakthrough shit on it.

Trying to keep it
on the hush-hush, though.

Man, if you need a singer,
I am so there.

Check it out.

Ride the tiger!

You can see his stripes
But you know he`s clean

It`s a Ronnie James Dio song.

Yeah. I know.

I helped write it.
I jam with him all the time.

No way!
You do not know Dio!

Sure. I know all the dudes
from Sabbath.

Dude?

Is there any way that maybe I could
audition to be in the Kyle Gass Project?

Maybe.

You gotta get your chops up, though, if
you wanna shred with the big dogs, son.

You got a lot to learn.

Will you teach me your ways?

I will teach you.

Go ahead and sleep
on the power couch.

Your training begins tomorrow.
At the crack of noon!

It could have been disaster
Till the pupil found his master

Something rhymes with master
He`s teaching him in the ways of rock

Lesson number one.
Power slide.

It`s just slidin" on your knees.

Is it?

Or is it the single most powerful
stage move in any rocker`s arsenal?

Gimme a power slide.
Full throttle.

No fear.

I`ll give you a power slide.

-How`d that feel?
-Really good.

-How did it look?
-Amazing...Iy bad.

I`m cleaning this apartment
"Cause it`s gonna help me, maybe

Get into
The Kyle Gass Project

-Hey, what`s this check for 200 bucks?
-Oh, gimme that.

That`s a royalty check.

Why`s it say,
"I love you, pumpkin" on it?

Well, it`s the name
of a song.

Big hit in Canada.

Get back to work.

Whoa, check out that superfox!

Do you think you can handle
a woman like that?

I think so.

Well, you`d better know so...

"cause there`s gonna be ten times hotter
ones backstage at the Kyle Gass Project.

Really?

Sex is a crucial component
to the Kyle Gass Project.

Now drop
and give me one cock push-up.

-What`s a cock push-up?
-What`s a cock push-up?

A cock push-up, my friend,
is where you lay on your stomach...

and lift yourself off the ground
with nothin" but your boner.

No problem.

The cock is a muscle.
You gotta learn how to flex it.

From now on, I want you to do
one cock push-up a day, every day.

-It hurts my cock.
-Keep at it. You never know...

when you`ll need to fuck
your way out of a tight situation.

His fingers move
With blinding speed

Within my mind
He`ll plant the seed

I`m proud to be
Amongst his learned flock

He teaches me

Beseeches me

And when I`ve learned
All of his lessons

Then I`ll know the ancient secrets
Of his rock

I fucking did it!

Oh, I did it!

Hey.
Dude, you reached KG.

You know what to do.

Dude, pick up.

Dude, it`s Jables.
Pick up, man.

I did it, man. Check it out.
You hear that?

The training is working, man.
I made ten whole bucks with my rock!

Good. Go score me a dime bag.

A what?

Ten dollars" worth of weed.

Now, Listen. Go down to
Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo.

Tell him you want
the Bob Marley extra crispy.

He`ll know
what you`re talking about.

All right, dude. Roger that.
One extra crispy coming up!

Stone Age Man now have
the muscle power and mental power...

necessary
to evolve to new heights.

He then found the means to harness
an even greater energy source.

The animals and creatures
around him.

Animal power would give him the food,
and transportation...

the clothing and entertainment
needed for his long journey.

Dude, turn it to Channel 1 4.
In Search of Sasquatch is on.

When you are able to snatch
this remote from my hand...

you will be ready to choose
the channels we watch.

Try to snatch it.

-Fuck!
-Patience, young grass smoker.

Patience.

Welcome to the gig simulator.

If you pass this test,
your training is complete.

You will be ready to audition
for the KGP.

-The what?
-Kyle Gass Project?

Oh, right, right.

Hold on.

Here`s your pizza.
That`ll be 15.50.

Aren`t you the guitar guy
from the boardwalk?

Yeah.

-I`m Lee.
-Kage.

Wow! You guys puttin" on a concert?
Can I watch?

-Half off the pie?
-Deal.

Right on. Come on in.

I don`t know
if that`s such a good idea, KG.

I`d rather not do this
in front of strangers.

What do you think it`s going to be like
when we play the Coliseum?

No strangers allowed?

Let the simulation begin.

All right.

So, should I sing a song?

Hey, sing something,
douche bag!

You know what? I wanna start
offstage and come out...

"cause that`s the way
I like, imagine it.

Just come in
from the wings.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Kyle Gass Project!

Hey, what`s up? I`m JB
from the Kyle Gass Project.

Get on with it, dumb shit.

All right, Kage,
let`s do it, man. Two, three.

The Kyle Gass Project
Is out of control! All right!

Get off the stage,
you stupid dillweed.

He`d turn me to a diamond
From a piece of coal

Go back to Kickapoo
you fat-ass momma`s boy!

You`re teaching me the secrets
Of the pumpkin patch

Hey, that`s right.

-You suck!
-You suck! Suck! Suck!

You`re not rocker.

Jesus...

You call that music?

You`re nothing but a mistake.
I should have worn a condom.

I was not a mistake.

Power slide.

He`s had enough.
Turn it off.

Lights!

Hey, hey, it`s OK.

-I suck!
-You don`t suck.

I broke my guitar!
Monster mash!

Nobody passes the gig simulator
on the first time.

Not even this guy.

You didn`t?

But then you did pass it later?

I passed later, but, you know,
took me a couple of tries.

Oh, you did? I was doing...

You know you can do it.

It was going pretty good,
until...

until I got to the...
When I messed up on that thing.

Let`s clean this place up.
What do you say?

And then we`ll do bongloads
and play Maximum Overthruster.

-Do some bongloads?
-You know what to do.

Hi, pumpkin. It`s your mother.
Your father and I have decided...

that 1 5 years of trying to be
a famous musician is long enough.

So I`m sorry to say we aren`t going
to be sending you any more rent checks.

It`s time to get a real job.
I love you, pumpkin.

"I love you, pumpkin"?

Those weren`t royalty checks.

I can`t believe this machine.

Let`s watch TV, you wanna?

You lied to me.

You don`t know Dio.

I think that In Search of Sasquatch
is on. Hold on.

-Give me that fucking remote.
-No! Leave it!

Who are you?

-Here`s your lunch, pumpkin.
-Thanks, Mom.

I love you, pumpkin.

Hey, pumpkin!

What`s with the hat, dude?
Your mom sew that for you?

Oh, my God!

Your mom shine that for you
when you go to bed? Cue ball!

Science experiment gone wrong!

I`m fucking outta here.

Don`t walk away from me!

I fucking cleaned your apartment,
man.

What are you doin"?

Why are you packing?

I have to go back
to my mom and dad`s.

I`m broke.

I already spent
the last rent check.

Oh, you fucking dick!
What`d you spend the money on?

An official professor
bullshit degree?

What`d you spend the rent on?

I got that for you.

Stop packing, dude.

We`re gonna pay the rent...

with our rock.

-We are?
-Yeah.

But we`re not gonna be called
the Kyle Gass Project.

From now on,
we will be known as Tenac.

Tenac?

What`s that?

It`s a sign.

A legacy.

I`ve had this birthmark
since I was born.

I looked it up in the dictionary.

It`s not in there.

I never knew
what the hell it meant.

"Till now.

It`s the name of our fuckin" band,
dude.

I have ass-mark too.

You guys!

Look!

They must pay the rent

With their rock

But that`s my life.

All right.

Neil Hamburger, everybody.
Neil Hamburger.

Funny stuff.

Uh, the next band
asked me to read this.

"Since the beginning of time
it was written in the stones...

that one day, a band would come.

Well, that band has come,
and now they`re here...

to come again
in your ear-pussies".

Ladies and gentlemen,
Tenacious D.

That was awesome,
the way you read that.

Kage. Kage? Don`t forget
to fucking bring the thunder.

We`re Tenacious D and this is our first
concert ever, so it`s kinda historical.

And we wrote this song...

that gives you a little taste
of the history of the band.

Let`s fucking do it, Kage, go!

This is a song called
The History Of Tenacious D.

And it`s not just a list of bullshit
that we`ve done in the past.

It`s a chronicling
of our rise to power!

We ride with kings on mighty steeds
Across the Devil`s plain

We`ve walked with Jesus and his cross
He did not die in vain

We`ve run with wolves, we`ve climbed K2
We even stopped a moving train

We`ve traveled through space and time
My friends

To rock this house again

-We ride and we ride
-We`ll never subside

We`ll ride "till the planets collide

And if you say that we do not ride
I`ll tan your fucking hide, hide

-Kyle`s fingers be silver
-Jack`s voice then be gold

But last you think we`re vain

We know you`re all robots
And we don`t care, Tenacious D

We reign!

We reign supreme, oh God!

Burrito Supreme

And a Chicken supreme

And a Cutlass Supreme

Supreme, yeah

Gonna count one, two, three

Supreme, yeah

Gonna count one, two, three

Supreme

Gonna count one, two, three

Burrito Supreme

And a Chicken supreme

And a Cutlass Supreme

Supreme!

Let`s go!

You guys, wait for me outside.
I`m gonna go talk to the big cheese.

Good call.

So?
What`d you think?

It was OK.

It was OK?
You were OK. We were kick-ass.

And we`re gonna totally win that money
next week at the open mic contest.

Well, good luck. You know there`s
a lot of stiff competition, so...

you might wanna think about
writing some new material.

That was amazing. You guys
changed people`s lives tonight.

I know, we were so awesome.

Yeah, it was awesome.
Compared to bullshit.

But compared to the greats?
To Zeppelin? To the Beatles?

To fucking Beethoven?

True. We were kick-ass.

But if the D`s gonna
win that prize money...

we`re gonna have to write
a fucking masterpiece!

Are you with me?

Totally.

Power hug.

Masterpiece.

A masterpiece
A masterpiece

They`ve got to write a masterpiece
To pay the rent

Do it!

All right,
no more fucking around.

Masterpiece is right in there.

All we have to do is step
into that magic circle...

and the masterpiece is ours.

Are you ready?

Are you ready to write a fucking
masterpiece? "Cause I sure the fuck am.

Let`s go!

Go, go, go! Play something.
Go fast. The magic only lasts a second.

No, don`t play fast. I said start fast.
But keep going, yes.

Try to make it prettier.
Prettier, prettier. Prettier.

Stop judging yourself, you`re judging
yourself. That`s why that riff sucks.

No fucking mental blocks.
Release the... chi...

That`s all right. Now, can you play
a little higher, higher, higher up?

Higher notes, higher notes.
Higher notes.

Higher notes, higher notes.
Higher notes.

Can you play any higher notes?
Sorry. I didn`t mean to yell.

I`m not looking for
anything specific...

but that`s definitely
the wrong part of the cosmos.

I want it over here,
in the newer, hotter part.

Molten lava!

That`s the thing, keep playing that riff
Because we gotta get it on tonight

What are you doing? Were we recording?
Press record. Press record.

No! Don`t stop it, it`s too late!

God damn it, Kyle, we had it.

We were right there in it
and you were too slow.

You didn`t remember to do shit,
you didn`t do what I told you...

and things got crossed,
chakras were fucking exploded.

If we`re gonna do this thing right,
you gotta do what I tell you to do!

Do as I said!

I wanna write a masterpiece.

I know, dude. So do I.

It`s all right.

We`ve got writers" block,
it happens to the best of "em.

I mean, look at these guys.

AC\DC, Van Halen,
The Who!

Why are you guys so awesome?

What do you have
that we don`t have?

Well, they all use
the same guitar pick.

What?

Looks like they all use
the same guitar pick.

Holy shitballs.

Too many picks.
Let`s see.

I don`t think they have it.

Let`s talk to the dude. We might
have to special order it.

Marcus, I need a price check
on Ernie Ball amp caster stat.

Just be a second.

Can I help you, gentlemen?

Yeah. We`re looking for
a guitar pick like this one.

How`d you hear about this?

What did Papardello tell you?

We just noticed that all these musicians
are using the same guitar pick...

Okay, just...

Jerry, do me a favor...

ring up these amp casters for me.
Thank you, my man.

In here.

We can talk in here.

What you seek...

is the Pick...

of Destiny.

I think there`s
a light switch back here.

No, dude, you don`t...

Grab a seat.

You two bozos
don`t even realize it but...

you just stumbled onto the darkest secret
in the history of rock.

Go on.

I actually saw it once.

I used to be a guitar tech.

So one night, I`m working a gig
up in New Jersey or something.

Some real mediocre band.

Lead guitarist comes out,
starts shredding licks...

way beyond his capabilities.

Like shit that had to be
coming from somewhere else.

I noticed he was using a new pick.
Weird-looking thing with horns on it.

Made of green ivory,
or some shit.

It was the pick, it wasn`t him.
He didn`t know what he had, though.

End of the show, he flicks it back
into the audience. Some kid catches it.

Kid named Eddie.

Eddie?

Van Halen!

So I started researching it.

Turns out this thing goes deeper
than I could have imagined.

Way deeper.

Back to the Dark Ages.

I moved to Rome. Quit my job.
Learned Latin.

I gained the trust of
the night librarian at the Vatican.

A gentleman named
Salvatore Papardello.

He turned me on to some shit
that you wouldn`t believe.

Check this out.

It`s an ancient scroll.

All in Latin.

I translated it.
Took me six years.

Why didn`t you just get
a translator?

And let him read it too?

Listen to this.

Long ago, a dark wizard used his
black magic to summon Satan himself.

Satanus.
That`s Latin for Satan.

A horrific battle ensued.

But the great demon
was far too powerful.

Snakes!

Finish me, foul beast!

Luckily, a blacksmith
heard the beast`s roars.

Fuck! You chipped my tooth.

I`m not complete.

What does that mean?

From whence you came
you shall remain...

until you are complete again.

Fuck you! No!

No! I`m not complete!

The demon was drawn back
into the fires of hell...

and the dark wizard
was totally stoked to be alive.

With a long draw
on his hash pipe...

the wizard devised a way
to repay the blacksmith.

The blacksmith loved a fair maiden.
To gain her affection...

he would need a true master skill...

that would leave the maiden
moist and wanting.

And so the wizard fashioned
the demon`s tooth into a pick...

that would make
the blacksmith play...

only the most masterful of melodies
on his lute...

thereby winning the heart
of the maiden he loved.

The secret of the pick died
with that blacksmith.

And then...
All of a sudden it reappears...

in the American South, at the turn of
the century, in Robert Johnson`s fingers.

Spawns the birth of the blues.
And rock & roll.

-Of course.
-The pick is a tiny part of the beast...

so it has
supranatural qualities.

-Supernatural?
-No, supra-natural.

That`s like
a whole other level above super.

Where is it now?

That`s the last known photo
of the pick.

That guitar was sold at auction.

It now resides
in the Rock & Roll History Museum.

That`s where the POD is too.

-The POD?
-The Pick of Destiny.

Why didn`t you just go get it?

The Rock & Roll History Museum
is an impenetrable fortress.

You two bozos wanna steal
the Pick of Destiny...

count me out. I already went down
that rabbit hole once.

And I got news for you.

There`s no cheese at
the end of that tunnel, buddy.

All right, get outta here.
I told you enough already.

C`mon, get outta here.

Man,
I don`t know what to say.

Just get outta my store.

The Quest!

Oh, my God! You guys!
What are you doin" here? Come on in!

Actually, we can`t stay.
We were hoping you`d do us a favor.

Anything you need, man.

-Do you think it would be OK...
-We need your car.

Well,
kinda need it for work.

Listen, man. We`ve got a meeting
with the hugest president...

of the most massive
record company in the business.

We need to meet him
in Sacramento tonight.

Well... All right.

Hey, what`s up with this pedal?

That`s my extra brake. I`m a pizza
delivery guy and a driving instructor.

I teach people how to drive
while I deliver pizzas.

Good thinkin", man.

Later.

Knock "em dead
at the meeting, you guys.

I can`t stop thinkin"
about that fuckin" pick.

You heard the guy.
It`s Satan`s tooth.

When we get that thing, we`re gonna win
that fuckin" prize money...

then we`re gonna
dominate the world of rock.

We`re gonna be unstoppable, man.

Unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

Unstoppable.

This next band
asked me not to read this...

but, God damn it,
I`m going to read it anyway...

because I wrote it
and it`s the truth.

"I fucking love this band!"

They are the best band ever,
period!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Tenacious D!

Hey, what`s up? Me and KG
wrote this song five minutes ago.

It`s called Master Exploder.

I do not need

-He does not need
-A microphone

-A microphone
-My voice is fucking

-Fucking
-Powerful

I love you.

Sorry.

-I did not mean
-He did not mean

-To blow your mind
-To blow your mind

But that shit happens to me

All the time

Now, take a look

-Take a look
-Tell me what you see

-What you see
-We got the Pick

Of Destiny

JB! JB! JB! JB!

JB! JB! JB! JB! JB!

JB, wake up. JB, wake up!

Let`s chow down, dude.
I`m starving.

OK.

You guys know what you want?

What do you recommend?

I recommend
that you order some food.

OK.

Lemme have the fried chicken...

and a steak...

and the chicken-fried steak.

Hello.

What happened to your eye?

I burned it
with a curling iron.

I`ll have one small glass
of carrot juice.

-Yeah, we don`t have that here.
-Then I will have nothing.

Great.

-Dude, what`s the matter?
-Dude?

Aren`t you hungry?

-You should eat somethin".
-No. I never eat before a mission.

It slows you down.

I gotta be light on my feet
like a dancer.

Like a fuckin" ninja, dude.

Now check this out. I`m gonna jump
this fence here, OK? Like a gazelle.

Then you come around
that fuckin" bend.

God! Damn it, Kyle!

If we`re gonna do this,
you gotta stay focused.

Eye of The Tigre!

Now check it out. You give me
a fuckin" boost, He-Man style.

And then we`re gonna fuckin" do
a little mini-tiger roll...

And come on back.
I fuckin" pull your shit up.

Dude, hold on. That`s good stuff.

Fuckin" dick squeezer.

Buddy.

So...

what brings you
to this neck of the woods?

We`re just
on a little business trip.

Are you going to check out
the Rock & Roll History Museum?

The Rock & Roll what?

-History Museum.
-Oh, no.

I don`t even know
what you`re talkin" about.

You just seem like
Rock & Roll types to me.

Yeah, well, we`re not.
We`re just two fuckin" businessmen...

on our way to see some shit
in Sacramento. So, sorry.

I was just asking
because I noticed...

the guitars
in the back seat of your car.

Well, I said we`re fuckin" businessmen.
We sell guitars.

So what? Big deal.
End of story. Check, please!

Sure you aren`t planning on breaking
into the Rock & Roll History Museum?

Hey, gimme that back, man!

Yeah,
my buddy and I are in a band.

I don`t like to say the name,
but we had some hits...

and so they`re inductin" us
into the Rock & Roll History Museum.

No way!

-Way.
-Oh, my God.

We`re sitting with someone famous?

We`re just regular guys.
I mean, we`re just flesh and bone.

Let`s just say you are planning
on breaking into...

the Rock & Roll History Museum.

Maybe you are inexperienced and you
get inside and cry like little girl.

Maybe you don`t have
what it takes to get the job done.

"Scuse me.

Damn. God.

I was thinking...

maybe there was something
in that museum...

you had a desire for.

Maybe...

Pick of Destiny!

Our sorority is throwing
a huge bash tonight.

You guys should totally come and play
some of your songs at the party.

We`re just getting ready
to head over there right now.

Why don`t you follow us over?

You know what? That sounds rad.

We don`t usually play
private parties but...

I think we can make
some dreams come true tonight.

I`ll ride along with you.
So you don`t get lost.

I tried to get
the Pick of Destiny once.

I had it in my hands, too.

But I was caught. Set off a laser.

Security door came down on my leg.
Cut it right off.

I would break in again
if I still had my leg.

My leg.

Oh, man. I miss
that sweet-ass leg of mine.

Why are you telling me this?

I like you.

I see the spark
in your eye that I once had.

Let me show you something.

These are my plans.
They will help you, I promise.

There are two air ducts on the roof.
You must enter through there.

Speak of this to no one!

Wait.

Wait,
I have some questions.

Let me wipe.

Hold up, dude.

Dude. I got some
smokin" bettys over there...

and they want us to play a gig.

No. I just had the weirdest
conversation of my life.

This guy just gave me
the perfect plan.

Now, look.

There`s two air ducts on the roof.

Dude. The party?

Gettin" to play our own tunes?
That blonde over there...

wants to ride
my wrinklestick, yo.

Would you get your head out of
the fuckin" pussy-clouds, man?

Who cares about these chicks?

There`s gonna be ten times
hotter babes backstage...

when we win album of the year.

This pick is our ticket to genius.

Dude. I can`t believe
you`d pass by a gig opportunity...

with some sweet-ass hotties.
What, for this?

Is this really
that important to you? Huh?

We can still write a masterpiece
and win that dough.

Maybe it would be better for the D
if we worked on our songwriting...

instead of relying
on ancient bullshit, but...

probably won`t work anyway.

What`s it gonna be, Kyle?
You have to decide.

Tits or destiny?

Tits.

So, good luck, buddy.

I hope it was worth it,
because we`re done.

You ruined it. Pick`s mine.
Fuck you.

I don`t fuckin" need you.
Later...

cock-ass!

Don`t mind him.

He`s my butler.

Had to let him go for loafin".
He`ll be fine.

Excuse me, are you gonna charge us
for all the refills?

No, you`re so pretty,
you get everything for free.

Well,
that`s a really good deal.

Why?

It`s just a five-mille walk.
I can walk that.

I don`t need a car.
I`ll take the fuckin" shoelace express.

Fuck you!

Where we goin"?

Stop. Stop the music.

Everybody, we have got
a special surprise tonight.

We have brought with us...

someone who just happens to be
a rock star!

That`s in town to be conducted...

into the Rock & Roll
History Museum.

And he promised to come here tonight
and play us a few of his hits.

So let`s give it up!

I don`t have a guitar.
I don`t have a guitar.

This is a song...

I wrote with my partner.

My former partner.

And it`s called
The History Of Tenacious D.

Across the Devil`s plain

He did not die in vain
No

That sucked.

One more and that`s it.

It`s a good thing I found
these mushrooms. I was fucking starving.

This place is kinda...

juicy.

Oh, my God! Sasquatch!

Jables! What`s up?

What are you doin" out here?

I was just walkin"
in your beautiful forest.

It`s not my forest, brother.
It`s everyone`s.

You`re so fuckin" awesome.
I love you!

I love you too, JB.
You`re a awesome rocker.

Let`s play!

That`s good.
Let`s go on a adventure.

I got lots to show you.

Can I be a Sasquatch too?

You already are.

You`re my son, JB.

My riddle baby Sass.

Let`s take a dip
in the strawberry river!

Come on!

Good times.

-This is fun.
-Good times.

This is super fun!

Daddy, look. Look.
It`s stuck to my butt.

Shake your tushie, it`ll fall off.

Let`s get rid of these.

Time to fly.

We`re flying!

-We`re flying!
-Hold on, boy!

Found where the Sasquatch hide
In the misty mountainside

He`s got shiny diamonds
That he`s got to protect

Look into the Sasquatch eye
Then you know that Sass can fly

Sasquatch is my daddy
And he`s going to protect me

Half man and half machine
On the cover of a magazine

Bigfoot is my father
And he`s got to protect me

These lyrics don`t make sense
Think I`ve found the evidence

That yeti is my papa
And he wants to protect

Me

Do you know where
I can find the Pick of Destiny?

Sure!
It`s right over there!

Let`s get it!
I can get it if I surf on your...

Sweet baby!

Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Where the fuck am I?

Yeah, you motherfucker.
I`m gonna get that son...

Dude, I totally miss you

I really fuckin" miss you

I`m all alone all the time
All the time

Dude, I totally miss you

The things we did together

Where have you gone?

Totally miss the honesty
And special times

And honestly

I totally miss
The fucked up thing you do

Dude, I totally miss you

I totally miss you

Dude, I totally miss you
All the time

Did you see that?

-Dude, I totally miss you
-That was awesome.

I totally miss you

Dude, I totally miss you
All the time

All the time

The mission is clear
I`m goin" over there

I`m goin" to do the mission

I`m going to flip around the corner
Flat as a pancake

And then I...
Oh, no, the camera!

Stay back here, devise a plan
Dive into the bushes

Against all odds

Infiltrate
Storm the gate

Storm the gate
Ninja style, Samurai

Metal pole
Climb that shit

Climb into that motherfucker

Now I`m climbin" up
Up on a roof

I`ve got catlike reflexes

-I elbow him.
-One guy?

He`s tryin" to punch me
in the neck.

I look down and there`s two guys goin",
"We`re gonna punch you."

So they`re punchin" up at me.
I got both elbows down like this.

Pull both their hair, and I made them
both poke each other`s eyes out.

So they`re both blind,
there`s blood everywhere.

Against all odds

Infiltrate
Storm the gate

Two air vents on the roof

That`s what the guy was talkin"

-Fuck!
-Electric eye

Infiltrate
Storm the gate

Storm the gate

Storm the gate

God damn it!

God!

That was KG`s fault.

If he`d been here like we planned,
he coulda lowered me down with a rope...

but dick-ass
had to follow his cock.

And you know when I go quadruple
plat he`ll come knockin"...

"Dude, can I come back
and join the band now?"

And I`ll be like,
"No way, cockshiner."

And then he`ll be like,
Can you hear me?

Oh, yeah. I hear you loud and clear.
You`re sayin" who`s before bro`s.

Well, that`s not how I roll,
asshole.

JB, it`s KG.
Do you read me?

What do you want, non-rocker?

This line is reserved for rockers only,
so I can`t really talk to you right now.

Sex, drugs, and then rock & roll.

In that order.
I was just followin" the code.

You`re a fuckin" traitor.
You balled on me and now I`m in the shit.

Where the fuck are you?

I`m in the air duct, dude.

Dude...

I totally missed you.

Me too.

I just heard a noise.
I am trippin".

Are you stoned?

Listen.

I just heard a noise.

-I`m gonna go check it out.
-Copy that.

Classic Rock is clear.
I`m gonna go check out Punk.

And if I find anybody in there...

I`m gonna pop a fuckin" cap in their
ass. I`m gonna call it self-defense.

Hello?

I`m on my own.

Dude, you heard that guy.
He`s gonna shoot us. Let`s ball.

No. We`re too close.

That pick is in one of these rooms
and we`re not leavin" here without it.

Dude, look at this place. It`s huge.
We`re never gonna find this thing.

Follow me. We are the shadows.
They`ll never find what cannot be seen.

Get down.

Center.

Picks, picks. Where do they keep
their fuckin" picks?

-It`s gotta be in the Guitar Gods room.
-Where`s that?

It`s right here.
At the top of Guitarway to Heaven.

There it is.

Fuck-a-luck-a-ding-dong.

-Let`s go get it.
-No!

Lasers.
They`ll slice you to pieces.

Sizzlelean.

You stay here and keep a lookout.

What are you gonna do?

I`m goin" in there
and gettin" that pick.

Danger

Laser

Tetris

Impossible

Be careful.

Q-Bert

Frogger

Dig Dug

Marble Madness

Centipede

Millipede
Tenacious

You got it.

Impossible
Impossible

I can`t...

reach... pick.

Surrounded by lasers.

Focus, Jables.

Use all your mental powers.

Wait.
There`s a button down here.

I think it might deactivate
the lasers.

But I can`t reach it.

The cock.

Use the cock.

Come on, helmet head.

Get it up.

Go!

Come to Papa.

Let`s finish this.

Fuck.

I can`t reach it.
I can`t reach it.

Hold on!

That`s it, that`s it.

I got it! I got it!

Halt!

Stop! Police!

Power slide!

Oh, damn!

Why?

-That was awesome.
-I know.

I`ve never fired a gun before,
it was unbelievable.

Oh, God! Oh!

Hold up!

-We got it!
-Yeah. Let`s get the fuck outta here.

Nice work, boys. Now...

toss that pick over here,
nice and slow.

Or I will cut you
from hole to hole.

Then you might as well kill us,
man.

"Cause there is no way in hell
we`re givin" you this fuckin" pick.

OK. So be it.

Come over here.

I`m going to fucking stab you.

What?

No. We`re not comin" over there.

Fine.
Stay where you are, then.

I`m going to come over there.

I am going to slice out
your eyes and your balls.

And then I am going to stick
your eyes in your ballsacks...

and then I will take your balls
and I will put them in your eyeholes!

-Dude, we could totally outrun him.
-Totally, let`s bail.

No, wait! Come back here!

Come back with my pick!

It belongs to me!

Freeze!

Catch me if you can.

Kings!

Fifty miles to Los Angeles.
We did it!

I know. I`m surprised no one
even chased us. We got away scot-free.

-You fuckin" rule.
-No. You fuckin" rule.

Yeah, but I couldn`t have done it
without your training.

Dude, let`s see the pick.

-Oh, shit.
-Dude, you got it, right?

Yes!

Look at how awesome it is!
Now we have the power.

We shall carry on
its ancient legacy.

Dude, we are gonna smoke the competition
at the open mic night tonight.

-That money is ours!
-Totally.

Yeah, I got some fellas
with a broken tail light.

Oh, fuck. It`s the cops.
Pull over. Pull over. It`s cool.

All right.

Just play it cool. Okay?

They got nothin" on us.
Let`s just be mellow, OK?

What`re you doing? No!
What the fuck are you doing?

This is Officer Mackenzie,
I need backup.

Assailants turning south
down Lexington Avenue.

-I`m in pursuit.
-Oh, God damn it, Kyle!

Car chase city
That`s the name of the game

It was all groovy
Now it`s totally lame

KG really fuckin"
Blew a synapse

Now we`re fuckin" headed
For a total collapse

Car chase city
Run away from the fuzz

Thought that we wasn`t
But we totally was

Car chase city, now we`re off the map
Car chase city, now we`re takin" a crap

Now it`s gettin" hairy,
So we`re changin" the key

Never underestimate
The power of D

KG fuckin`put his foot
On the gas

If I go to prison
I hide the pick in my ass

Fuck this shit, it`s gone too far
Kage, pull over, let me out of the car

The car is severely damaged.
The perpetrators appear to be...

two heavyset males
driving a blue Cutlass Supreme.

Car chase city, now we`re takin" the lane
KG blew it now we`re goin" insane

Let`s rock, let`s roll,
Let me try to fill up your...

Let`s go now to Mark in Skycop...

God damn it!

Yeah?

Hey, you guys!

-Fuck!
-It`s Lee. I`m just checkin" in.

-Is everything OK?
-Yeah, we`re cool. We`re super cool.

Where are you guys?

We`re at the drive-in.
We`re watching this bitchin" movie.

It`s Cop Chase 3.
Have you seen it?

No. I haven`t seen that one.

Sounds scary, though.

Yeah. It`s really fucking scary.
I`m shaking right now, I`m so scared.

Cool. How was that
big power meeting you guys had?

Awesome. I`ll tell you about it later.
You`re makin" us miss the movie.

I think I lost them!

God!

Gas!

Brakes!

Spinnin" donuts,
Spinnin" donuts, go!

I can do this.

Flip, flip!

Gas!

Nitro!

Go!

We`re gonna need paramedics and
fire trucks. These guys are toast.

Let`s get the fuck outta here.

Let`s go.

Uh, which way, which way?

That way! That way!

This is it, I think.

Let" me sneak a peak.

This is it.

C`mon.

Let`s do this.

Guys, you`re runnin" a little late.
There`s one spot left.

You got any new material?

What we got`s gonna turn
your brain into shit.

Dust off the stage,
open mic, host.

Step aside.

OK, big shots.
You`re up whenever you`re ready.

Let`s blister this asshole.

Jack, wait!

-You got the pick?
-Yeah. Got it right here. Let`s go.

Maybe I should use it tonight
and you use it next time.

I should use it tonight.
I`m the lead singer.

It`s a guitar pick.
I`m lead guitar.

OK, dude, don`t freak out on me.
Let`s just work this out rationally, OK?

We`ll take turns with it.
I`ll use it now, you`ll use it later.

I`m not freakin" out,
you`re freakin" out.

Now, just let me hold it
for one second!

You`re never gonna use
this fuckin" pick.

You guys, the crowd`s
gettin" restless in there.

What`s goin" on?

What`s wrong?

We can`t go on.

We had the demon`s pick...

but then we broke it, and now
our masterpiece will never happen.

We can`t pay the rent because
we won`t be fueled by Satan.

Come on, come on. Get up, come on.
You`re all right.

You guys...

having some satanic guitar pick
isn`t gonna make your rock any better...

because Satan`s not in a guitar pick,
he`s inside all of us.

He`s in here. In your hearts.

He`s what makes us
not want to go to work, exercise...

or tell the truth.

He`s what makes us
want to party...

and have sex with each other
all night long.

He`s that little voice in your mind that
says, "Fuck you" to the people you hate.

Now, you can stay out here and fight
on the ground, and cry like babies.

Or you can go in there
like friends...

and rock.

So, what`s it gonna be?

Let`s go in there and show "em
what Tenacious D is all about.

Yeah. I already got
a guitar pick anyways.

C`mon. Dude, we can still use the pick.
You use one half, I`ll use the other.

There`s still some juice in there,
probably. You know what I mean?

Where is that...?

I am complete

Fuck!

Yes, you are fucked

Shit out of luck

Now I`m complete
And my cock you will suck

This world will be mine
And you`re first in line

You brought me the pick
And now you shall both die

Wait, wait

Wait, you motherfucker

We challenge you
To a rock-off

Give us one chance
To rock your socks off

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

The demon code prevents me

From declining
A rock-off challenge

What are your terms?

What`s the catch?

If we win

you must take your sorry ass
Back to hell

And also you will have
To pay our rent

And what if I win?

Then you can take Kage
Back to Hell

What?

Trust me, Kage.
It`s the only way.

What are you talking about?

To be your little bitch

Fine!

Let the rock-off begin!

I`m the Devil
I love metal

Check this riff
It`s fucking tasty

I`m the Devil
I can do what I want

Whatever I`ve got
I`m gonna flaunt

There`s never been a rock-off
That I`ve ever lost

I can`t wait
To take Kage back to hell

I`m gonna fill him
With my hot demon`s gel

I`ll make you squeal
Like the Scarlet Pimpernel

No!

Come on, Kage! Let`s fight
his music with our music.

There`s just no way
That we can win

That was a masterpiece

-Listen to me.
-He rocks too hard

Because he`s not a mortal man

God damn it, Kage.

He gonna make you his sex slave
You gonna gargle mayonnaise

Unless we bust
A massive monster mamojam

Dude, we`ve been
Through so much shit

Deactivated lasers
With my dick

Now it`s time
To blow this fucker down

Come on, Kage
Now it`s time to blow doors down

I hear ya, Jables,
Now it`s time to blow doors down

Light up the stage
"Cause it`s time for a showdown

We`ll bend you over
Then we`ll take ya to brown town

Now we`ve got to blow
This fucker down

He`s gonna rape me
If we do not blow doors down

C`mon, Kage
"Cause it`s time to blow doors down

We`ll pile-drive ya
It`s time for the smack down

Hey, Antichrist
Beelzeboss

We know your weakness
Our rock it sauce

We rock the Casbah
And blow your mind

We will defeat you
For all mankind

You hold the scepter
We hold the key

You are the Devil
We are the D

We are the D, we are the D
We are the D, we are the D

We are the D, we are the D,
We are the D, we are the D

You guys are fuckin" lame!
C`mon, Kage, you`re comin" with me.

Taste my lightning, fucker.

No!

Fuck!

My fuckin" horn!

Oh, no!

From where you came
You shall remain

Until you are complete again!

No!

Fuck you, Kage!

And fuck you, Jables.

I`ll get you, Tenacious D!

We did it, dude.
We beat the Devil.

With our rock.

So good.

Man, that was a monster jam
that we played.

It was like,
the greatest song in the world.

It was, wasn`t it?

How did it go?

-I can`t remember.
-Fuck. I can`t either.

You know what? Let`s just
lay down a fresh, tasty jam.

Good idea, Rage Kage.

Bust out the BOD.

-What?
-The Bong of Destiny.

Good call.

Take it to the head, bitch.

Draws like a pencil.

Press record.

Now let`s rock it.

One, two, three.

"Cause it`s the Pick of Destiny
Child

You know we will be rockin"
"Cause it`s fuckin" insane

It`s just the Pick of Destiny
Child

More precious than a diamond
On a platinum chain

In Venice Beach
There was a man named Kage

When he was buskin"
He was all the rage

He met Jables
And he taught him well

All the techniques
That were developed in Hell

Cock push-ups
And the power slide

Gig simulation
Now there`s nowhere to hide

They formed a band
They named Tenacious D

And then they got
The Pick of Destiny

"Cause it`s the Pick of Destiny
Child

You know we will be rockin"
"Cause it`s fuckin" insane

It`s just the Pick of Destiny
Child

Our tasty grooves are better
Than a chicken chow mein

"Cause he who is sleazy
Is easy to pleasey

And she who is juicy
Must be loosey-goosey

And he who is groovy
Will be in my movie

So come on

The wizard and the demon
Had a battle royal

The demon almost killed him
With an evil kapow

But then it broke his tooth
And thus the demon said, "Ow!"

"Cause it`s the Pick of Destiny
Child

You know we will be rockin"
"cause it`s fuckin" insane

It`s just the Pick of Destiny
Child

You know our movie`s better
Than Citizen Kane

"Cause he who`s a geezer
Must live in my freezer

And she who is snarky
Is full of malarkey

And he who is groovy
Must be in my movie

So come on!

Oh, "cause if you`re a diva
Then go to Geneva

And if you`re a crony
Then suck on my boney

And if you are groovy
Then get in my movie

It`s called the Pick of Destiny

The Pick of Destiny

All right, man.

This is it.

Don`t make a sound
unless it`s a masterpiece.

Not a fuckin" sound.

Wait. How will I know
if it`s a masterpiece?

You`ll feel it. And if you feel it,
just fuckin" lay it on me.

Thought I felt somethin".

Let`s hear that back.