Tearsucker (2023) - full transcript

Get the fuck away from me!

Jenny, just hold on
second let me explain.

Stay away from me!

You're a little confused.

You're filming this?

I just want to talk to you.
You're being overdramatic.

You don't need that!
I'm not gonna hurt you.

You know me, remember?
You know my heart.

I would never hurt you.

Lilly, what'cha drinking?

I'm sorry, was that for me?



Yeah. What you drinking?

Oh, it's, um, just tea.

Ooh, do you put honey in it?
Honey and some lemon?
That's really good.

Especially
for the "kckk" throat.

Uh, no, I haven't.
I haven't tried that.

Try yerba mate.
It's really good.

Someone just told me
that green tea is, like,
better for you than water.

Caffeine releases
slower over time,

but I have to have coffee.

I hear boba's nice.

- Oh, yeah.
- I don't like boba.

Yeah.

I wish you lived closer.

It's not that far.



Feels like it.

I know. It sucks.

It really does.

You sure you're okay, hon?
I worry about you.

I don't want to cry.

Then don't.

You know what I mean.

I know.

Honestly, I...

don't really feel like
anything's getting any better.

Have you thought anymore
about seeing a therapist again?

No. I'm not going
back to that guy.

He's a mansplaining prick.

I don't think he was
listening half the time.

Well, maybe there's
someone else that's--

No. I said no.

Okay. What if you
started vlogging again?

Hear me out!
It is not a terrible idea.

Yes, it is.
It's stupid and it's
a waste of time.

No, it is not.

Everyone needs an outlet
to get their shit out

otherwise it-- it festers
and it ties you up in knots,

and it makes you sick.

And, besides,
your videos were always
so funny and so sincere,

and you're such
a good writer, I just...

what if you just tried one
and saw how it felt?

Nobody ever watched
my dumb videos.

I did.
And they're not dumb!

I don't know.

Who came up
with the word Vlog anyway?

It's, like, so gross.
It's like the sound you make

when a barf gets stuck
in your throat.

It's like...

Ew! Gross!

Wait, but what if, hold on.

If it's a barf
and a gag mixed together

wouldn't that
be called a barg?

Or a garf? Could be a garf.

Gar-- oh!

My cookies.
Hold on a second.

It's cool,
just call me later.

Okay. Love you!

-Love you!
-Garf!

Hi, guys! Happy Tuesday!

For this Tips Tuesday,

as requested in the comments,
thank you guys,

I am going
to be doing a little
tips about plant care.

Uh, as you guys know,
I am a crazy plant lady.

If you haven't seen
my place,

uh, Tyler and I have
so many plants, like,
it's ridiculous.

So, specifically today
I want to talk about
watering

and making sure
that you get the light--

Hi, guys! Happy Wednesday!

Uh, I wanted to do something
a little different today,

so we were shooting outside.
Please don't mind all
the crazy noises,

um, but I wanted to show
you guys my happy place.

This is my park.
Um, well, that's the corner.

That's the park, see?
I park myself, like,
right over there.

I don't know if you can see,
the dog park is right there.

I situate myself
and look out at the dog park
as if I had a dog

also playing in the park
along with all the other
people watching the dogs.

And all the dogs run up
and they want to play

and they want to be pet
and I get to, like, snuggle
with them.

And then people are like,
"Oh, which one's yours?"

I'm like, oh, the fluffy
one over there.

And no one ever knows.

Oh, favorite quote...

you guys ready for this?
...of the day.

It reminds me of the dogs.

Outside of a dog, a book
is a man's best friend.

Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.

Okay, that's really stupid.

I get that, but I do.
I love it.

Oh, fuck.

Hey, Lill!

I just watched your vlog

and I am so,
so, so proud of you!

It was amazing!
I loved it!

And there's all these comments
and views and likes!

And someone said
they shared it on Reddit!

It just seems like people
are really connecting

with what you have to say.

-Shit.
-I'm just so proud of you

for getting it
all out there!

I just know this is going
to be exactly what you need.

- Move on,
start over and just...

Oh! Lilly you look
so cute today.

Oh, thanks. I showered.

Nice! I showered today, too.

Check it off the list.

Soon as I get off this call.

Lill! Come on!

I'm sorry. I froze.
I wasn't wearing any makeup

And I was feeling bloated
and gross

and also just not in the mood
to chat up a weird guy.

You said he was cute.

Well, yeah, but who just waves
at strangers like that?

You're right. I just finished
the Night Stalker documentary,

and Richard Ramirez was just
known for walking around

waving at strangers.
It's a known serial
killer thing.

Really?

No! It is perfectly acceptable

to greet and/or show interest

in another human being
one finds attractive
by smiling at them

and yes, even waving.

Very funny.

Oh, gotta go. Date night.
Talk to you tomorrow?

-Okay. Bye. Talk tomorrow.
-Bye. Love you!

Morning everybody.

-TGIF!
-Yes.

Hey.

What? Hi.

-Are you okay?
-Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

-No. No, no you don't--
-That was incredibly gross.

I'm so sorry
you had to witness that.

You don't have to apologize.
I'm the one that startled you.

You did kinda
sneak up on me there.

What can I say,
I'm light on my feet.

Makes it easier to sneak up
on my victims that way.

You're all right?

Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm sufficiently embarrassed,
but good.

What's that
you're choking on there?

Um, just veggies and pesto.

Veggies and hummus.

Do you mind if I sit down
and eat next to you?

Sure. Yeah. I mean,
I'm just not staying super long

'cause I have to get back
to work at some point so...

Understood.

I'm Tom.

Lilly.

Lilly.

I love that name.

What?

I mean, it's fine.
It's a pretty common name.

No, I'm being genuine.

I love it when girls
have flower names,

like Lilly or Rose.

-Violet.
-Petunia?

Okay, maybe not
that one quite so much.

Sorry if I'm making
this awkward. I'm just...

I'm not sure if I remember
how to do it correctly.

-Do what?
-You know.

Talk to a cute girl
I just met.

My last relationship
didn't exactly end well...

and I haven't spent
a whole ton of time around

people lately so...

Trust me, I-- I get that.

-You're doing fine.
-Yeah?

Yeah.

Scale outta 10?

Um, like...

like a 6.5?

65 percent?
That's like a D.

No, I said 6.5.

-Yeah. It's the same thing
-That's different.

-I'm basically failing--
oh, my God.
-Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!

Was that not suave?

No, I'm crying. I can't.

-I'm sorry. I just um--
-Here. Here.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, my God. That is what I get
for wearing makeup today.

Shit.

I think you look lovely.

I'm sorry, this is all
just a little surreal.

Strange men don't throw
sandwiches at you in
the park every day?

Oh, shit.
I gotta go. Zoom meeting.

-Oh. Yuck.
-Tell me about it.

My entire life is staring
at assholes

in small boxes
on a screen all day.

Not literal assholes.
Like, the people I work with.

They're-- they are assholes.

Yeah. I got that.

Sorry. I just really
have to get going.

Yeah. Of course. No worries

-Missing something?
-Yeah, your handkerchief

-I was gonna wash it for you.
-No, it's all good.

Uh, I got it.

Are you sure?
It's kind of gross.

Wait a second.

Is this your sneaky way of
getting to see me again?

No.

If that's
what you're doing...

No! I wasn't, I was...

Okay, maybe that's what
I was doing, but I wasn't

aware that I was doing it.

Must have been subconscious.
I don't know.

I'm at the park for lunch
almost every day.

So, yeah,

you can do with that
information whatever you want.

The park it is.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, my God, my ears!

I'm sorry!
I'm just so excited!

Okay, it's not a big deal.

It is a big deal!
It's a huge deal!

You haven't so much as talked
to another guy since Tyler.

Oh, fuck. Sorry.

No, it's okay.
It's not like he's Voldemort.

We should probably be able
to talk about him

or say his name
or whatever at this point.

Giving him any more power
over me isn't going
to help anything.

So just, yeah.
It's all good.

Good.

I'm okay.

Yeah?

Yeah. I don't want
to fucking cry anymore.

I'm sick of it.

His name was Tyler
and he was a fucking asshole.

See? There. I'm fine.

Oh, Jesus!
Please don't start.

I literally just said
I don't want to cry

and if you start
then I'm gonna start, too.

I'm sorry
I'm just so proud of you.

Thank you.

Okay. Talk tomorrow.
Love you.

Love you. Bye.

Have fun with Mark or whatever
you're doing tonight

Hey.

-Hey.
-Oh, shit!

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.

It's okay.

It's the most action
I've had in a while.

Kidding, of course.
Although, not really.

The same.

So, what were you watching?
You were so focused there.

Nothing.

Nothing, oh yeah.
I've definitely seen that one.

Yeah.

I don't know, it's...

it's kind of embarrassing.

Oh, was it porn?

Yeah, you got me.
I was watching porn in
the park before our date.

Fine. It was a...

a self-help video.

That's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
I watch those, too.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Who was it?
I probably know them.

Barry Wright.

Yeah!
My Emotions Belong to Me.

She's my favorite.
I watch all of her videos.

-Some of the more than once.
-Really?

-I even have her book. Yeah!
-No way.

Me, too!
That's awesome.

It's just, you know,
it's embarrassing to have
to admit that.

There's nothing wrong
with trying to better yourself.

I know.

But...

watching self-help videos
isn't necessarily
the most attractive...

It's not the first thing
that I want to reveal myself
on a first date.

I just said
that I watched them too.

Right.

Shit.

I am digging myself
in deeper here.

Um...

Okay, how about
I just start over again?

Hi! I'm Tom.

Sometimes, I watch
self-help videos

to help me deal
with some tough things

that I've been through
in my life.

And, I know that's nothing
that I should be ashamed of

because lots of people
watch self-help videos.

They can really be a mirror

to kind of reflect
everything that you've
been going through.

And it's good to hear someone
else's perspective...

You want to go for a walk?

Lilly?

Hmm?

Uh, I was saying

that it might be nice to
go for a walk if you're up--

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah.
Sure! I'd love that.

Okay.

Was that okay?
I didn't mean to--

Yeah, no. It was great.
Really.

I'm good. I'm great.
I'm good.

You pulled back.

It's just been a really long
time since I've kissed anyone,

or even wanted
to kiss anyone and I just...

feel...

really happy right now,
which is just kind of
bizarre in its own way.

And I just felt
a little bit overwhelmed.

That's all.

You take
all the time you need.

I get it. Believe me.

It's like Barry says,
"You have to...

hold on to your boundaries
until you're comfortable
breaking them down."

And that shows trust.
It took me a long time, too.

My last relationship
was a complete disaster,

and afterwards
I had to move and start
my whole life over again.

Ever since I barely
interacted with anyone

except for you
and my computer.

So, you really were
watching porn in the park.
I knew it.

Yeah. You got me.

I'd be willing
to bet you that Aleister
Crowley probably was a Gray.

- He knew some shit...
- -Way to go sandwich guy.

Mark, can you turn
that down, please?

Respectful and supportive
and a good kisser?

Sounds good on paper.

Tom. His name is Tom.

T-O-M or T-H-O-M?

I don't know.
I think just regular.

Good. I do not trust
a Tom with a T-H.

-Oh, yeah. Me neither.
-Either way...

to Thom.

Ugh! I completely recoiled
like his lips were covered
in acid

and he somehow took it
like a champ.

I was pleasantly surprised.

You're hot.
Guys put up with a lot
when you're hot.

I mean, I think
it could possibly be

that he's just actually
a good guy.

Perhaps.

And he likes Barry Wright!

Your YouTube lady?

Yeah, I don't know.

It was just so great to be
around someone like that,
that was, like,

warm and caring and

also speaks my language,
which is a huge bonus.

I mean, we haven't really
gotten into all the details,
but from what he said

his last relationship was,
like, totally fucked, too.

And he had to completely
start over and start, like,
a whole new life.

And so we talked about Barry
and how much her books

have helped us both
deal with the guilt and shame
of being powerless.

And...
I don't know.

It's weird.
It's kind of like
we're the same person.

He almost makes me feel...

normal.

Almost.

Okay, you're not gonna
like this, but

I just feel like I have to say
something because I love you.

Um...

while I'm all for you having
some no-strings-attached
fun with a guy

which I have been saying
for a while now.

Um, do you really feel like
this is the right guy
to do it with?

Just because two people
with trauma who are still
healing,

just seems like
it might get a little...

A little what?

Dangerous.

I'm gonna fucking
hang up on you.

No, please, please don't.

-I like him.
-I know.

And I'm really happy for you
and he seems really nice.

It's just... I'm worried

you're being a little manic
about this whole thing,

and I just caution you
to take things slow.

Especially with a guy
like this.

Manic?

Now you're calling me manic?

'Cause two seconds ago you
said this was a good idea!

What the fuck?

Okay, that might have been
the wrong choice of words.

Don't get mad at me.
I just--

Okay, remember
at the hospital at our
survivors' group?

Dr. Collier specifically said
that two people

with emotional wounds
who are still healing

can create a trauma bond that
feels intensely like love.

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, okay?

I guess I'm a terrible person
because I'm enjoying the fact

that someone
wants to kiss me and hold me

and be supportive
and be nice to me.

What the fuck
could I possibly be thinking?

I am desperately lonely, Deb.
Do you not get that?

'Cause I am by myself,
like, all of the time,

and you're always busy
with your boyfriend

and you do these things
to try to protect me,

but you don't actually
understand what I'm going
through and he does, okay?

He gets it
'cause he's going
through it, too.

And maybe we could
help each other heal.
Did you ever think about that?

Did that ever occur to you?

Oh, no. I forgot.
You're too busy pretending
to be my therapist

to actually know
what the fuck you're
talking about!

Fuck.

Don't put
a silver lining on it.

Don't try to fix it.

Don't try to play optimist.

All that they need to hear

is a reflection
that you see them.

So what do I mean by that?
For example, you can use
phrases like,

"Wow. I see how hard
that was for you."

Or, "I can see"--

Wow.

I see how hard
that was for you.

Wow.

I see how hard
that was for you.

"...how hard you're working
to try and get past that."

And the best phrase of all
everybody needs to hear is,

"You are not alone."

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

So, I hope that through
this video

and in my new book,

you will find
all sorts of new ways

to build trust
and vulnerability
and just remember:

no matter how hard you try,

how patient you are,
how open and vulnerable
you are with yourself,

your partner may not
open up to you on
the timeline you expect,

or with the depth
that you expect.

And it could
get frustrating.

But in those moments always
come back to our mantra.

My emotions belong to me.

...so we're gonna end
a little early today.

Does anyone have
any last words before
we sign off?

Tom, you've been quiet today.

Is there anything
that you would like to share
or comment or...?

Um...

no.

I feel like I'm learning
a lot and making progress

just from listening.
Thank you.

Great!

That is great!

It is important that we all
go at our own pace.

Jenny, would you like
to say anything else?

Um...

Yeah. I guess, um,

I just want to thank you guys
for being so supportive

and just, like,
express how grateful I am
that I found this group.

I, um...

don't really trust myself
in relationships right now,

but I also need
to be with people, so,

I'm just really grateful
that I'm, I'm here.

So thanks.

We're here for you Jenny.

And I am grateful
for all of you.

See you all again
next Wednesday.

Bye.

Yes! I swear
it was the same guy.

I wanted to scream at him.
In the span of a day,

he'd completely forgotten
who I was

and now all of a sudden
was pretending to be a vet

with cancer,
which is just all kinds
of despicable.

-No way.
-Yeah!

- That's gross.
- I know!

So what did you do?

I mean. Nothing.
I just turned around

and walked away and now
I'm venting to you.

Oh, I felt like such a wuss.
I wish I would have punched
him in the face.

If it makes you feel any
better, I probably wouldn't
have done anything either.

I would have just texted
you venting about it.

You know, we've got the same
issues with confrontation.

Oh, my God! Wait!
That reminds me.
I wanted to tell you.

Um, I was doing more reading
on RW Wayne,

and he said something that
really hit me.

He said that being afraid
of confrontation

is essentially
the same as being fearful
of being rejected.

When he said that I was,
like, that is so accurate.

Once again, it all comes back
to the abandonment stuff,

which is, like, such a part
of my freaking DNA.

Tom?

Huh? Oh! Sorry, I was just
thinking about what you said.

You do that a lot.

What?

- Think?
- Yes!

It's like you're studying
what I say sometimes.

If that's weird,
I can try and stop.

Wait, no!
That's-- no, please don't.

Most men don't even listen
to half the things you say.

They're just thinking about
boobs and football the rest
of the time.

You're different.

It's one of the things
I like about you so much.

I feel like
you actually listen.

I do.

And that you really care.

I care about you.

I care about you, too.

Good.

This is magical.

I feel like
I'm high or something.

Yeah.

You make me very happy.

Same.

It's amazing

to have found someone
that I can truly trust

and completely
let my guard down with.

I know.

No.

I can't do this.

What just happened?

Did I do something wrong?

Tom!

Are you gonna tell me
what the fuck is going on?

Tom?

Tom!

What the fuck?
Will you talk to me, please?

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

This was a mistake.

What?

I don't understand
what's happening right now.

Did I do something wrong?

It was stupid of me
to think I could be with
someone like you.

Someone like what?

Someone like what?

Broken.

Fuck you!

-I'm sorry!
-No, you're not!

-It's okay.
-No, stop it!

-I'm so confused.
-It's okay.

-It's okay.
-What are you...? No!

I don't--
I don't understand!

What are you doing?

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?
Stop it!

Let me go!

Get the fuck away from me!

Jenny.
Just hold on for a second.
Let me explain.

Stay away from me!

Okay, before you hang up,
just let me talk first.

Fine.

I'm sorry I didn't
support you in the way that
you needed and I love you.

That's it.

Thank you.

I just worry about you
and I want you to be safe.

I know. And I admit
this is moving a little fast,

but it's taken a really
long time for me to get here
and I just...

wish you could
be happy for me.

I am.

But, like,
for real happy for me.

I am.

He's coming over tonight.

Oh, really?

Mm-hmm.

I'm cleaning now
and then I'm gonna shower
and shave.

What's the plan?

I don't know.

I just think it's important
for me

to have a guy in my apartment
who's not Tyler.

I'm really proud of you.

Thanks.
I'm proud of me, too.

I think if I can
get through tonight

without acting like a total
freak at any point or crying

that would be
a major milestone.

Okay, well keep me updated
and touch base with me later.

I will.

I love you.

Get the fuck away from me.

Jenny!
Just hold on for a second.
Let me explain.

Stay away from me.

You're a little confused.

You're filming this?

Okay, just calm down.
You're being overdramatic.

You don't need that.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

I would never hurt you.
You know me.

You know my heart.

Hi guys! Um...

I haven't posted
in a while.

You probably noticed, um,

I don't know if anyone's
even gonna watch this,

but my friend Deb...

told me
that it might be, uh,

really healthy for me
to release some stuff

and, uh...

I don't know.
If I've learned one thing
it's that Deb is always right.

So...

I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing, but I'm here.
So, hi.

Um...

some of you guys

might remember, uh, me
talking about my boyfriend

on the blog before and...

I guess I just want to,
um, tell the truth.

Because I told you guys
that he was, um,

kind and funny and

and smart and that we loved
each other unconditionally

and, um,

it's just really hard for me
to go back and watch those

because it's just really,
really embarrassing.

And everyone just keeps
telling me that I'm, uh,
you know, a survivor

and I'm a warrior
and I'm-- I'm so strong,

but I just don't feel
that way.

And I'd like to think
that maybe there'll be a time
that I could feel that way,

but right now I just...

I just feel, like,
really fucking embarrassed.

And...

You know, it's really easy

if you've never been in
an abusive relationship

to judge someone else,
you know?

Like, I get that.
Like, I get that from
the outside it's so simple.

Like, just leave.
Why wouldn't you just leave?

Why would you stay
with someone that treats
you like that?

But...

from the inside, it's...

it's, like, warped,
you know?

Like, I somehow
convinced myself that
I wasn't a victim.

I was a strong woman who just
happened to fall in love

with a really troubled man.

And...

it's really hard to admit

how bad it got, um,
but it got really bad.

And, uh...

the drinking got worse

and the violence got worse.

And I was just living

in this constant
state of dread.

This dread
that the next time

I still wouldn't be able
to stand up for myself

'cause that's what
would happen.

I would tell myself this
isn't gonna happen again.

You're gonna stand up
for yourself.

You're gonna do something.
You're gonna leave.

You're gonna walk away
and then I just...

freeze.

This...

thing would wash over me
and I wouldn't...

I don't know. I just...

He could make me
feel so weak.

And I would just sit there
and cry

while he screamed at me.
And I...

I don't know why
I let him do that.

And then he would hit me
with his fist or whatever
he could find nearby

and I would tell myself
that somehow I deserved it.

And it was my fault.

I wanted him to die.

I wanted him to die
so bad because I knew

that that's the only way
I'd ever be rid of him.

And I wished for it.

I wished for it
every single day.

I sat there and I wished
that he would die.

And then he did.

He died on the floor
right in front of me.

Right there.
And I was...

I was heartbroken.

And I am so fucking ashamed
to admit that,

but I was heartbroken
'cause I loved him.

Despite everything
that he did to me,

I still loved him and I...

I'm just so confused.

And I...

I've spent every single day
since just being consumed
by the guilt and...

So fucking confused.

What is wrong with me?

I'm sorry, I--
I wanted this to be, like,

inspirational and happy
and I'm sorry it's not.
It's not.

I don't have any answers.
I'm just tired.

I'm really fucking tired.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

You like it?

Yeah, it's good.

Booze is pretty much
all the same to me, but,

yeah, I like this.

I like you.

What were we talking about?

Yeah. Um...

Oh, you were telling me
about the movie you were

watching when you were
supposed to be working.

Mmm, very,
very important stuff.

Um...

I don't know.

It was sci-fi.
I heard it was good.

It wasn't good.

It's kind of the whole story.

It's fascinating.

Sci-fi is my favorite,

-so I've probably
seen it anyway.
-Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Especially if it has
anything to do with androids.

How come?

I don't know.

I haven't tried to talk
about this with a human
in a while.

Usually doesn't go
quite like I'd hoped.

You can tell me.

With everything I've been
through, I promise

I'm the last human
who would ever judge you

for anything you want
to share with me.

Okay.

Um...

I identify with the tragedy
of their lives.

All of that potential.

All that beautiful
engineering, but...

their existence
is ultimately hollow.

Is that how you feel?

Androids don't actually
feel anything.

They're just mimics.

See, I knew
you wouldn't understand.

-No, I-- I--
-No. It's okay.
It's my fault.

I should have known
someone like you
wouldn't get it.

Someone like me?
We're the same--

-No, we're not. No.
-Yes, we are.

Just because you don't want
to talk about it--

You think I don't want
to talk about it?

I wish I could talk about it
with you and everybody else.

But, I can't.

You said you weren't going
to judge me and I feel
pretty judged right now.

You're making me feel
like I'm crazy or something.

The look on your face.

-I--
-It's like...

someone just died
right in front of you
or something.

Lilly?

Lilly, are you okay?

I'm fine.
I just need a second.

I'm sorry if I said anything
that made you upset.

-Can I come in?
-I just need a second,
please.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm-- I'm fine.
It's just something you said.

It was a major trigger for me
and it's not your fault.

You didn't know.

I guess I'm just not as tough
as I thought.

It's not about being tough.

All survivors have triggers.

At least,

now I know what happens
when I hit yours.

Can I have a hug?

I'm sorry.
I really have to pee.

We can talk about it
after, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Tom.

Tom?

What?

Do you think
you'll want another drink?

I was thinking I could open
us another bottle of wine

or maybe a cocktail
or something?

Sure.

Okay.

Okay.

-Mmm.
-Yeah.

Let's go again.

Hey.

Morning.

So, how are you?

Pretty good.
You know, a little tired.

What time did you get up?

I'm not sure.
I was kind of up all night.

Sorry I kept you up too late.

No, no, no, no.
It's not your fault.

I just don't always
sleep super well.

Kind of hard to turn the brain
off sometimes, you know?

Yeah. Apparently I did not
have that problem last night.

I must have passed out on you.
Sorry. It's embarrassing.

-So...
-So...

No, no you go first.

I need to see you again
as soon as possible.

Would you want to go
somewhere with me?

Sure.

I mean,
go somewhere like a trip.

Oh.

Just for a couple of days.
No big deal.

Where were you thinking?

I could tell you or...

we could make it a surprise.

Surprise sounds fun.

Um, I guess
just let me know

if I need to bring anything
special, otherwise I'm--

I'm good with that.

Pick you up tomorrow morning?

So soon?

-Is that a problem?
-No.

No, no I'm--

I'm one of those people that
just, like, loves adventure.

Uh...

Yeah, I guess I could
just bring my laptop

and do some work from there
if I need to.

Great.

Adventure it is then.

Okay.

I guess I'll see you
tomorrow then.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi, guys. Um...

I haven't posted in a while.
You probably noticed.

Um...

I don't know if anyone's
even gonna watch this,

but my friend Deb told me
that it might be, uh...

really healthy for me
to release some stuff

and, um...

I don't know.
If I've learned one thing

it's that Deb is always
right, so...

Ta-da!

Uh, this is it?

Yeah, you like?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, it seems nice.

What?

We're not here for the house.

We're here for the hiking
and the Joshua trees
and the sunsets.

I know you said
you've been feeling a little
cooped up lately so...

I figured you could use
a couple of days in
the great outdoors.

Mmm, so thoughtful.
Thank you.

You're the best.

Yeah, we're kind of
in the middle of nowhere,
but it's cute.

He said he thought
I needed some time outside.

I'm almost done, I swear.
I just want to show Deb
the place.

Here, come here.
Say hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Took my girl out to
the middle of nowhere, huh?

Yep.

Where are you guys, exactly?

Uh, near Joshua Tree
somewhere.

I gotta pee.
Nice to meet you.

Um, so, how is everything
going thus far?

Great! I think
he's just a little tired.

Okay, um, well have fun,
um, and be safe, please.

And text me the address
or just at least drop
me a pin.

I will. Love you!

Love you!

Everything good?

Yeah!

I was thinking maybe
I'd get cleaned up and put on
something more comfortable?

Sounds great.

Okay.
Be back soon.

Something's not right.

-Huh?
-I wasn't talking to you.

Okay.

Something's not right.
I can feel it.

What-- are--
are you talking to me now?

Yes.
Take your headphones off.

What do you want?

Just come here.

What?

I'm worried about Lilly.

Oh, I'm shocked.
Hey, hey!

I'm being serious.

Yeah, I know. So am I.

You're worried about Lilly,
like, legit 90 percent
of the time.

This is different.

This guy has her
in a random house
in the desert.

I just...

I have a really bad
feeling about it.

That true crime shit's
really warping your brain, huh?

No, they practically just met
and he takes her

to some
extremely remote mystery
location as a surprise?

He was super sketchy
on the phone and apparently

he has some really
fucked-up past.

And get this, I tried
to look him up online

and no pictures.

I even tried to do
a background check
and nothing!

Jesus, Deb!

What?!

Something is wrong! I'm--

I'm not crazy!

Right?

I mean, I don't know. I...

I'm gonna track her phone.

We have to know
where she is.

Right. Well, I'm gonna
go back to my game.

Hey.

Hi.

Wow.

Yeah? You like?

Yeah.

-You look incredible.
-Thanks.

So I feel really vulnerable
and kind of silly,

but I really want to have
sex with you this weekend.

And I figure that it probably
would happen eventually,

so maybe it's better
just to get it out
of the way now

because otherwise
I'm gonna be super anxious

and nervous about it
all weekend.

Okay.

I guess we should just get it
out of the way then.

What's your tattoo mean?

It's a birthmark.

You're so special.

Are you sure
you want to do this?

Just fuck me already.

Her phone is off!

What?

Lilly's phone is off!

How do you know?

Because it disappeared
on the app.

Find my phone.

That's how I know it's off!

You need to leave
her alone.

Honey.

The day that I picked up
Lilly from the hospital

I promised her
I would never turn

off my phone
in case she needed me.

And she swore to me
that she would do the same.

Since that day, she has not
turned off her phone

or let it die once.

It's never off?

No, never.

Huh.

I'm calling the police.

To tell them what?

They're not going
to drive all the way out
to the boondocks

to check on her
just 'cause her friend
is worried about her.

We don't even know if anything
bad has actually happened.

Maybe she just forgot
her charger or something.

No way.

I'm calling them
and telling them whatever

I need to say for them to go
and check up on her.

Ehh, it's not really a great
idea to lie to the police.

And I don't even
know where they are.

You said you had
her location on--

I did, but I didn't
write it down!

All right.

Same team.

It's good.
It's all good, baby.

It's all good.

It's all good.

what are you doing?

Stop.

Yes!

Yes!

It's like your eyes
bleed opium.

Although opium never did
for me what you can.

We make a good team.

Stop trying to hide.
I'm talking to you.

Lilly.

They say that the eyes
are windows to the soul.

When you look into mine,

do you see anything there?

Lilly,

I'm not going
to ask you again.

You said you wanted
to know more about me.

Well...

there is no software fix,

no god, no drugs,

no daredevil shit,
no puppies to hug,

no pussy
that does anything for me.

Nothing.

It's all like styrofoam.

But one little taste
of you...

And there's this
explosion of pain

and sorrow

and anger and in that moment

I know joy.

I don't expect
your feeble little brain
to understand that, but...

it's like

I get to be a real boy
even if it's just for a second.

Can I go home now?

-Please. Please.
-No.

No, baby.
We're not done yet.

Shh.

Shh, shh.

Are you not listening to me?

I could kill you right now
and I wouldn't feel anything.

Not guilt or remorse.
Nothing.

I can watch the life
leave your body

and never think of it
for a second afterwards.

But then where would we be?

That would be a total waste,

and I'd just have to start over
again with somebody else.

Somebody

disposable.

But not you.

I think I'm gonna
keep you for a while.

We're going. Get your bat.

I-- mmm.

Fine.

I couldn't find my bat.

Are you sure you want
to do this?

I mean, we don't even
know where they are.

Yes we do.
I saw it on the map.

I don't know
the specific street name,

but, once we're close,
I'm sure it'll look familiar.

But even if you're right,
it's gonna take,

like, three hours
just to drive there.

And then what?

There's hundreds
of houses out there.

It could be any one of them.

So we'll knock
on doors all night.

I'm not gonna let this
happen again, okay?

Okay. Okay. All right.

Look, it was not your fault.

You didn't know.

I love you,

but you need to get your ass
in the fucking car right now.

Okay.

Hey.

I am...

so sorry that things got
a little rough last night.

I didn't mean
to hurt you like that.

But...

you kind of made me do it.

Is it okay if I sit?

I think the best thing
for us to do would be

to just put it behind us
and move on.

Yeah?

I want to show
you something.

I found this in the garage.

It's just like what
he used when he almost
killed you, isn't it?

Steel toe and everything.
Oof.

Yeah, I saw it
sitting there...

and I just started
picturing it...

You...

huddled up in a little ball,
kind of like you are now.

So

weak and helpless.

Him just raining blow
after blow down on you.

Fracturing your ribs,
breaking your skull.

How long did it take
you to recover?

That man...

was a monster.

I would never do anything
like that to you.

You know that, right?

Think of me...

more like a gardener.

I just want my beautiful
Lilly to blossom.

So,

I'm gonna give her
what she needs.

Speaking of...

Lilies need water, so...

It's just water. Here.
Take it.

You need to hydrate.

There you go.

That's my girl.

Can't let the tank
go empty, can we?

Okay, well...

you get some rest
and I'll be back in
a little bit.

So, where to next?

I think just go north
one more street

and we'll turn left
the next place we can

and it's starting
to look familiar.

Okay.

Hey.

Ready for round two?

Please.

Don't act like
I'm some pathetic rapist.

I told you
that's not what I want.

What I want is this.

This is incredible.

I've lost track of how many
times I've watched this.

You want to see?

He could make me
feel so weak,

and I would just

sit there and cry while
he screamed at me and I...

You are not
a strong person, Lilly.

You let Tyler do anything
he wanted to you.

Why didn't you just leave?

You must have had
a thousand chances.

It's because you couldn't.

Right?

Because you didn't want to.

I don't know why
I let him do that.

And then he would hit me
with his fist

or whatever he could
find nearby and I would

tell myself that somehow
I deserved it.

And it was my fault.

See?

You said it yourself.

There are some people
in this world who are,
at their core, victims.

Born prey animals.

That wasn't the first time
someone hurt you, was it?

And it wasn't gonna
be the last.

You have a role to play,

and you play it over
and over and over again.

I wanted him to die.

I wanted him to die so bad

'cause I knew that
that's the only way I'd ever
be rid of him.

And I wished for it.

I wished for it
every single day.

I sat there and I wished
that he would die,
and then he did.

He died on the floor
right in front of me--
right there--

and I was
just heartbroken.

And I am so fucking ashamed
to admit that,

but I was heartbroken
'cause I loved him.

Despite everything
that he did to me, I still
loved him and I--

I'm just so confused.

And I...

I've spent every single
day since

just being consumed
by the guilt and...

so fucking confused.

What is wrong with me?

Wow.

What is wrong with you?

You killed him, Lilly.

You can't say
it wasn't your fault.

Maybe if you'd been
a more caring...

supportive partner.

More understanding
of his mental illness,

you wouldn't have been
so miserable.

But, no.

You weren't.

You were selfish.

Self-absorbed.

Completely consumed
with your own shit.

You put the bottle
in his hand.

You sat and watched
as he tore himself apart
drink by drink...

and you
just cowered there...

as his head went right
through that glass table...

three feet
in front of you...

and then bled out
all over the floor.

I bet you can still smell
the blood, can't you?

If it's any consolation,

I'm sure that he
never really loved you.

Because how could anyone
love someone like you?

No one will ever want
to be with you

except to use you.

Like he did.

Like I am.

Because that's all
you're good for.

And deep down, you know
that's what you deserve.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That's my girl.

Yeah.

Oh, that's so good.

Mark!

Lilly!

Oh, my God, you're hurt!

No, it's not my blood.
I'm okay.

I'm here.
It's okay, I'm here.

All right,
come on, let's get you
to the hospital. Let's go.

No, police first.
Wait, what are you guys
doing here?

I think you're in shock.

-Come on.
-I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm good. I'm okay

What did he do to you?

He wanted me to cry.

I'm done crying.

♪ Give me your sadness ♪

♪ Give me your pain ♪

♪ This love is madness ♪

♪ I feel insane ♪

♪ Coming for your fears ♪

♪ Preying on your tears ♪

♪ Eat you up inside ♪

♪ Nowhere you can hide ♪

♪ Tearsucker motherfucker ♪

♪ Tearsucker motherfucker ♪

♪ Tearsucker motherfucker ♪

♪ Tearsucker motherfucker ♪

♪ I'm here to drain you ♪

♪ I'm here to drain you ♪

♪ Open up your eyes ♪

♪ I'm here to drain you ♪

♪ Open up your eyes ♪