Tarzoon: Shame of the Jungle (1975) - full transcript

Shame, the ape man of the jungle, is aghast when his woman, June, is kidnapped by a gang of giant penises. They take her to their queen, Bazunga, a bald woman with fourteen breasts. After tangling with a gang of great white hunters, a marauding lion and the Molar Men, Shame sets off to rescue her with only his faithful friend Flicka at his side. He heads for that darkest of areas ..... Bush Country!

Slow down, you're rolling it too fast,
I can't read it!

That's better.

While a few bold explorers have mapped
the heart of Africa...

the majority have gone to the region
known as The Lower Regions...

where the dense foliage
teems with animal life,

and only death decides who is
the hunter and who is the hunted.

White man in iron bird...

kill Simba with fire stick.

Make chief M'Bulu,
member of United Nations council.

In the depths of an impenetrable
rain forest,

lies the kingdom of Bazonga,
a queen who dreams of ruling the world,

aided in her mad designs
by Charlie Charles, a mad beautician,

a two-headed monster,

expelled from the Pasteur Institute
for the audacity of his theories.

It's a confectionery.

A delicious dessert.

Don't make me laugh!

It's not too bad,
but far from delicious!

That's enough, Charles!

Your conclusions?

Explain to her.

Go on.

You explain better than I do.

It's you who speaks the best.

- No, you.
- You!

You better tell me before you end up
floating in formaldehyde!

Well, Your majesty,...

According to the latest
scientific research...

...it's not possible to cure baldness.

Can't help you,
Your Highness.

It's definite.

Perhaps you'll consider
getting a wig?

A wig? Out of the question!

I'm going to enslave mankind tomorrow!

I shall raze the capitals of the world!

The world will be at my feet,
and I am bald!


I'll not wear a fucking wig!

I know what they say about me.

They say I'm a monster,
out to rule the world...

...but I have feelings,
like everybody else.

If I don't have real hair
by tomorrow...

...heads are gonna roll!

There's one solution...
a scalp transplant.

But it's immoral, your highness.

I'm the one who decides that!

It has to involve the removal
of the scalp of another human...

It's just a matter of choosing
whose scalp!

Fine, if that's what you want,
Your Majesty....

Here are some suggestions.




At least we know where
she hid the gun.


This one, Highness?


No! It looks like a mink hat!

Is that all, or do you
have more shit?

You two would make Primperan vomit!


What's that, for God's sake!?


I don't want to look like
a cotton-swab!


That one?

No, the one before.

It's June.

She was slipped in
by mistake.

- Who is June ?
- The mate of Shame.

The king of the jungle.

If he interferes in my plans,

I'll pull out his fingernails
one by one.

I'll feed him to the alligators!

- Crocodiles.
- OK, crocodiles!

I'll bury him up to his ears
in an anthill!

I'll report him for wearing underpants
made out of an endangered species!

You two have 24 hours...

...to put her hair
on my head...

...or you're fired!

Think Looney Tunes might hire us?

I doubt it.

Hanna Barbera?

Night falls.

In a rustic tree house, perched
on some lofty monarch of the forest...

...Shame takes his mate June
in his arms.

Their pulses quicken.

Above, a pagan moon heedlessly
hurtles through the glittering sky.

Below, from the inky jungle,
like the heartbeat of Africa herself...

...comes the wild rhythm
of the tom-tom...

...a language that no white man

...but that every white woman
understands, only too well.

Is that it?

You're finished?

Well I guess that's the last I'll see
of your willy for 3 months.

Pathetic! I've had more fun
with a water pistol.

Did you learn to fuck
at a correspondence school?

You fairy! You couldn't get it up
with a fork-lift!

It looks more like
a cock on a hamster.

Fairy! Tranny! Schmuck!


Give my regards
to your shrink!

Casting aside civilisation's
vain trappings...

Shame returns once more
to the wilderness that spawned him...

...pausing only to give the fearsome cry
of the great bull ape.

If the ape had slipped
on a can of beer.

Then, like a shadow, he vanishes
into the Sumerian darkness.

Not now, kiddo.

...and takes on the ancestral burden...


No news of Susu Hutu Wanda
who disappeared on Sunday.

An all-out search has failed to find

any sign of the missing 3-year old...

...last seen
near the muddy banks...

...wearing a leopard pelt,
2 crocodile-teeth bracelets...

...and a chicken foot.

Former All-African spear-throwing
champion, Umbawi Zabugu...

...now coach of the Kinshasa Lions...

...denies having chewed
coca leaves to dope...

Flicka, coffee's ready.

The coach said he didn't know
who owned the suitcase.

The value of the cow fell yesterday
on the international market.

Leading cow authorities say they see
no hope to ending the inflationary spiral

...which has raised the value
of a woman to 47 cows.

It can get worse before it gets better

...according to the Secretary...

That idiot has forgotten
his keys again!

Help! Help!
Let me go!

That really hurts!


Thank you, Shame!

You've saved the life of Tatoum.

Thank you, Shame.


Throw me a rope!

Throw me a rope!

Throw me a rope!

June, Shame will be...

Everybody laugh at Shame,
if Shame no save June.

But if Shame go save June...

...Shame get shit kicked out of him.

But conscience is swept aside
by the primeval urge...

...shared by man and beast alike.

Shame must find his mate...

...no matter what the cost!

Why, like flies to shit...

...are men drawn
to the steamy tropics? Why?

The reasons are as numberless
as their unmarked graves.

Some come in search of the truth,
such as Professor C?dric Adop?...

...at the head of an expedition
to verify...

...the existence of a legendary
white anthropoid, called Shame.

Others, like the professor's niece...

...seductive young aviatrix,
St?phanie Starlette...

...have come for adventure.

I'm only here because I gave
the producer a blow-job.

There are others still...

The pearl-traders
and the ivory-hunters...

...the poachers and the slavers
and the mercenaries...,

...the dreamers with few illusions...

...men driven mad
by the tales of Africa...

tales of lewdness and debauchery.

Men hypnotised by tales of
enormous rubies and sapphires...,

...and plovers' eggs
the size of emeralds.

Such men are Brutish and Short.

Posing as guides,
they also seek Shame.

But greed is their only motive,
and destruction their only means.

If I ever get my hands on
that fucking son-of-a-bitch...

...who built this plane...

...I'll rip his fucking face off!

Jesus Christ!
Where the fuck are we?

I've never seen
such a fucking shit-hole!

I'm all sticky.

You OK, Professor?

Africa... it's magnificent!

Africa... it's breathtaking!

Africa... where lives are measured
in moments, not months.

Africa... land of human sacrifices
and inhuman gods!

land of the Wazu, a barbaric tribe...

...whose grim masks
fan the flames of fear.

Slow down!
You're rolling it too fast!

I can't read it
if you go too fast!

Just wait till I
get my hands...

...on that fucking idiot
who built that plane...

No, I don't like this...
I don't like this trip at all.

Are you sure we're going
in the right direction?

According to this map...

...we need to follow the river...

...until we get to the
Valley of Worshipers...

...where we'll find the legendary
Pyramid of the Shadow.

Then we'll get to
the lost city of Yota...

...where the lizard-women live.

We take a right turn
about 8 or 9 kilometres...

We'll pass the forbidden cave
of the atomic ant-creatures...

...and then come to the old mill.

There will be 2 km to go.

If, as I believe, Shame exists...

...that's where we'll find him...

My perfect specimen
of anthropoid man.

What did you say, Professor?
What does "anthropoid" mean?

Just what is it?

What do you think anthropoid means?

You think I give a fuck?!

The fucking idiot
who built that fucking plane...

You talking about my mother?

His face is a mess.
Big job for his dentist.

All these little animals, all screwed up
and bent out of shape!

Brigitte Bardot won't like it.
Where on earth are we?

We're entering the country
of the molar men...

...whoever they are.

You don't know who
the molar men are?

Almost nothing is known
about their society.

It's not known if the Tungala have...

...sharp sticks and blunt sticks,
or just sharp sticks.

The last person to come
through here was a German.

His name was... Papierkram.

It's not known what became
of that expedition.

tell me more about Shame.

Is he really handsome?

Is he handsome?

It's written here...
Let me see...

"The beauty of his
weather-beaten face...

"is tempered by the radiance
of his burning gaze."

His leonine muscles
keep him ready to pounce.

His supple and graceful body...

...glows in the sun
like polished coal...

...as he soars through the air,
from branch to branch."

Oh, Professor,
I can't wait to get to know him!

This is him!
The powerful ape-man himself!

Nice to meet you, dear friend.
Let me introduce myself.

Professor C?dric Adolp?,
of the Royal Anthropological Society.

I've walked across Africa
to make your acquaintance.

That's enough of being polite...

From now on we're in charge
of this expedition...

And I will personally take charge
of the clown in the funny underpants.

what has got into you?!

What terrible image of the civilised world
are you giving him?!

Shut up, you old fool!

Don't leave me here!

What if I'm found
by the hairy beast...

...or females, or fucking bugs!

Get me a man so I can
scratch his face...

...identical to the one
I've always had.

Stop! Come back!
Don't leave me here...

...in this country of savages!

We just have to lock up Shame
in the Astroturf Dome...

...and exhibit him like the other one,
who played in King Kong.

They also exhibited him in Madison
Square Garden in the ring...

They even made him dance...

...with Nemu, the killer whale,
together with a shark...

and to finish off,
he faced an alligator.

A crocodile.

Yes, a crocodile.

I'll take some money
from the cash register...

...and I'll go see the whores,
but no more 10 dollar hand-jobs.

Then I'll go to Las Vegas,
to play with the people there.

I'll see the stars
and stay with Frank Sinatra.

I'll make him my friend,
he'll give me his money...

...and I'll be able to go
and play at the casino.

Fucking hunter who doesn't know
how to hunt.

Goddamned shit!

What the fuck's going on?

This goddamned cage
is getting goddamned heavy.

I can hardly carry
the fucking thing.

The sooner I get out of
this fucking shit-hole the better.

This fucking heat is incredible.

This fucking place is the arsehole
of this shit of a world!

I'm fed up...

...to the back teeth
with this fucking mud...

fucking fed up with the humidity...

...fucking fed up with this sun,
for Christ's sake!

Nice little baby!

Shake hands?

Shame have hurt!


Shame have hurt!

Shame have sore finger!

Hurting! Hurting finger!

Nice little babies!

Hi, Kimosabi!
How you going?

Come on!

Come along!

Come and have a beer!

Grab my hand!

How's it going?

Here's to work.

We only live once.
Gotta have fun, you know!

My name's Craig Boulanger.

I'm a guru.

I'm from Champagne Urbana
in Illinois.

I became a guru, because...

...I needed some money for college.
It was painting apartments or...

Going that way?

So, how are tricks?
What's your name?

As you like, I don't care.

You understand?

I'm going to Wisconsin.
Want to come?

I'm drunk.
I've been drinking non-stop.

You want a frothy one?

One... two... three...

I spilled it.

Hey, Kimosabi!

What's your name, damn it?!

You a Hindu or something?

India is a dreadful place.
No way of getting a cold beer.

And they die of hunger.

Won't eat cows...

No bars in India.

You stupid arsehole!

Come on, you dumbcluck!

They're nothing but
a bunch of motherfuckers!

You want to be a Mahatma?
You know what that is?

It's a guy that helps you.
Really helps you.

They help people.

A convertible.

I want a convertible.

Instead, I fitted out this contraption
with birds.

Move it!

They're pissed... like me.

I'll start on my second 6-pack.

I feel I can fly like a bird.

I really can fly.
Seriously, it's no big deal.

I can fly.

I need a piss...
so I'll fly down...

I'll have a piss
and I'll fly back up.

Watch me do it.

Have you never seen The Silver Chalice
with Jack Palance?

When he jumps off the tower
without his cape?

He relies on his God.

I can do it,
because I'm a guru.

He's on the tower.
Caesar and the crowd tell him to jump.

But the chick who climbs the ladder
tells him not to.

But he says he'll do it,
and he jumps.

So he falls down,
and comes a cropper.

It was funny, because you could see
it was a dummy falling off.

Anyway, I'll be doing it for real!

Here I go...


You ready? Watch!

You come back!

Shame not know
how to pilot birds.

If God want birds to fly,
give them motors.

Unable to resist...

June is carried off to what men call
The Despicable Kingdom...

...an uncharted realm...

...into which no explorer
has ever dared to set foot.

Concerning The Dank Cavern,
the natives...

...their teeth bared
in a mirthless grin...

...their eyes wide with dread, say...

"Many enter, Bwana,
none return!"

Have I ever told you
that you play divinely...

...for a spider?


Queen Bazonga?
The donor is here...

...ready for the transplant.

Start the operation
right away.

Why am I doing this,
you ask?

So I can spit on people.

So I can spit on people...

and so I can get special attention
at smart restaurants.

Extra pat of butter,
things like that.

Sworn to penetrate the innermost regions
of Queen Bazonga's secret domain...

...or die in the attempt...

...before he begins the last lap
of his perilous journey...

Shame, looking in the shadows
like some Demi-god of old...


A hush has fallen over the forest.

The haunting silence
that presages certain doom.

If Shame not back in quarter
of moon, call the cops.

June! June!
That's all they talk about, June!

But if it wasn't for Nana,
Shame'd never have clean underpants.




A splendid manoeuvre,
Colonel Leshgrapp!

You've turned raw recruits
into warriors.

Yes, General!

On my command...




On my command...



One, two! One, two!

At my command... fire!

Look straight ahead,
even when you crawl!

Take cover!


Who is that man?
An undercover agent, right?

He's not one of ours.

It's Shame.

He's out of uniform!
Have him shot!

If Shame is not back in quarter
of moon... call the cops.

Hello, this is the police.

We're sorry,
but all lines are busy.

In a case of emergency,
leave your name and phone number...

...after the beep, and we'll return
your call as soon as possible.

Thank you.

Hello, this is the police...

Fate, like the swirling winds
that shape the desert sands...

...has saved Shame
from a firing-squad's blindfold...

...only to deliver him into the arms
of a satanic queen.

But it matters little if death
were by means of a weapon...

...or a filmy gown.

The ultimate manifestation
of a capricious destiny...

...the ape-man does not know
that just steps away...

...spreadeagled like some ancient sacrifice...

...trembling beneath the shadow
of a knife...

...June lies defenseless in the hands
of a degenerate beautician.

- Perhaps.
- Just answer yes or no!

If you'd ever been to the movies...

No, not that!

That these sweets refresh
the breath is a plus, that's all.

Not like Rolaids.

Are Rolaids candy?

Is Maalox a garnish?

Don't be ridiculous!

So what about Feenamint?
They're menthol.


Let me go!

All that we throw up
are sweets, right?

Everything that makes us spew
comes from Fanny's place, right?

Your breath!

She smells like Mamie Eisenhower's

And Dorminil, the candy
that puts you to sleep?

Are Coca and Vanquish sweets?

Shame, so nice of you to come!

You are strong, Shame,
and not lacking in intelligence.

You do have two
small cavities, though.

I'm sure you'd like
a glass of bubbly.

Tell me, Shame, how'd you like
to rule the world?

At my side, of course.

Shame had heard that one before.

Think about it! You'd be able to park
wherever you wanted to.

What do you say?

The world would be at our feet.

Queen very nice, but Shame
only want June.

June! You dare talk about that bitch...

when I offer you my throne?!

Too bad for you, you'll see
what I do with your June!

When I've finished with her,
she'll look like a steak with legs!

Alright, alright,
so I've got 14 breasts...

I could have been the greatest
topless dancer in the world!

Instead I'm the greatest freak
of a queen in the world!

Queen talk too loud.

Call out the phallus guard!

Seize that man!

And bring me the contents
of his underpants on a platter!

One, two, one, two!

It freshens the breath!

At my command...

Fire! Fire!




At my command...

Look, he's here!

The one we've been waiting for!
A chance for real war!

Charge the torpedoes!
Full speed ahead!


Help! Fire!

Queen is afraid.

Shame save Queen.

Thank God you're here!

What are you staring at?

Scram, you insolent rebels!

It refreshes the breath!

My God! He's dead!

I've killed him!

Let's get out of here!

He was an animated drawing

If I'd known he was mortal,
I wouldn?t have hit him!

He's dead! I killed him!

I've seen Tom and Jerry!

I've seen Tom hit on the head
with a safe!

I've seen the stick of dynamite...

...being held by Wile E. Coyote!
He doesn't die!

Tell me that he's not dead!

Where have you been?
Still yacking?

You come to bed, quick smart!
Did you take the wrong vine?

And because you, pea-brain...

I've been sitting in that
place for two solid hours......

My hero!

Down there!

June, look down there!

Damn photos
and beauty contests!

Miss Aspirin! Miss Toilet Soap!

I'm an actress.
I've had to swallow 50 metres of cocks...

...to get a part in a shit serial!

I'll show those arse-wipes!

With my army of pigmies,
I'll conquer the world!

I'll crush Hollywood!

Rona Barret
will be at my feet!

I'll play the roles of my dreams!

Subtitles by FatPlank for KG