Tales of Erotica (1972) - full transcript

Four women from Gubbio--Angelica, Violetta, Lisa and Bettina--are brought before the judge by their respective lovers and husbands as guilty: Angelica, a nun, guilty of impairing the physical conditions of her lover Righetto, which she made available to all their sisters; Violetta, wife of a man who neglected her, for having taken the place of a prostitute frequently visited by her husband and his friends; Lisa, a maid, for having extorted from her masters, in agreement with her lover and for his sake, 150 florins; and Bettina, for having deceived her jealous consort by pretending to be dead, later to become the lover of certain friars and become pregnant, to state her own resurrection with their agreement. The defender, appealing to their femininity, obtains the acquittal of the four accused from the judge--who will soon take advantage of it.

[drum roll]

[rousing fanfare]

- People of the city of Gubbio!

Hear ye, hear ye!

On the orders of His
Excellency Lorenzo Landi,

founder and benefactor
of our city,

on this 13th day of April

in the year of our Grace
fifteen hundred and twenty-one,

will begin the
trial and judgment

of the following
named defendants:

Sister Angelica of the
Sisters of Charity;

Madonna Violetta de' Bardi;

Lisa Martini; and
Bettina Rimondi;

all of them having been involved

in certain disgraceful scandals

that are a vicious assault
on public morality.

At the express wish

of the prosecuting magistrate
and defense counsel,

for reasons of safeguarding
public decency,

this trial will be conducted
in complete secrecy.

No visitors are allowed.

[crosier clanks]

- This court is now in session.

[scribe groans]

[scribe grunts]

- As you already
know, gentlemen,

my esteemed friend and colleague

was unfortunately taken to jail,

so I have taken his
place for this trial.

And I admit, because I had
very little prior notice,

I was not able to
make a complete

and detailed examination
of the briefs.

I would therefore ask
prosecuting counsel

to give us a summary of
the facts in question

so that everybody here
is brought up to date.

File in the prisoners.

Prisoners, be seated.

May I ask why so many defendants
are being tried at once?

Are their cases in
some way all connected?

- Well, Your Honor,
it's like this.

Knowing the facts as
well as I do, it's...

Well, in this case I
would advise Your Honor

to look under the
table for the answer-

- You mock the course of
justice and the position I hold?

- I'm sorry, Your Honor.

- Excuse me, Your Honor,

but I think maybe
he's got a point.

- I do not want to
hear your opinion.

Ask if you wish to talk and
wait till I give permission.

- I apologize, Your Honor.
It won't happen again.

- Your Honor, I'm afraid that
the cases presented here today

are somewhat confusing
to explain clearly.

In certain basic aspects,
they are identical.

But if Your Honor agrees,

I would prefer to take
each one separately.

It'll make the matter of
passing judgment easier.

I feel greatly confident

that the truth that
Your Honor's conclusions

will surely reveal
in its entirety

shall support all the facts.

Do I make myself clear?

- Clear as an Irish bog.

So now that I've
heard your sermon,

you may proceed with the case.

- The charges in this case

were initiated by
Enrico Baldazzi,

whose statement I
have here, Your Honor.

They're against Sister Angelica,

a novice at the convent of
Santa Cunegonda in Foligno.


- That is not in
the least amusing.

- I always get corny
when I can't see.

I can't find my glasses.

- There they are!

- Thank you.

- Proceed with the case, please.

- This statement by
Mr. Enrico Baldazzi

starts with a full accounting

of what occurred the last night

before Sister Angelica
took her vows, Your Honor.

[tranquil music]

- Enrico.

Rico, my darling.



- Huh? Where's the fire?

- This is the last
night we can be together

and you sleep and ignore me!

- I wasn't sleeping. I
just wanted a little rest.

Anyway, what do
you expect of me?

We've made it at least 80.

- 61, I've been counting.
- 80.

- 61.
- 80.

- 61!
- 80!

- 61!
- 80!

- 61!
- All right, dammit. 63.

You know what, Tessa?

You are, without
any doubt at all,

the most bitchy, demanding,

pigheaded, presumptuous,
know-it-all woman

that I ever had the terrible
misfortune to lay eyes on.

- You really love me, Riccetto?

Do you swear it?

- Oh, darling!
Please stay with me.

- It is impossible,
a vow is a vow.

And besides, my
parents would kill me.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- It's not important.
I'll die if you me.

- Oh, please don't die.

You won't be able to make
love to me anymore, Rico.

- You're right.

I'm so dumb-assed.

I never thought about that.


Well, then I'll live on.

But I swear to God,

nothing will come in
between us, darling.

No matter where you
are, I'll find you.

I'll search to the
very ends of the Earth.

- It's dawn.
- It is?

- You'd better leave now, Rico.

Goodbye, darling Rico.

Don't catch cold.

- I won't, sweetheart.

And away!

[water splashes]

- [Tessa] You forgot your shoes!

[solemn organ music]

[singing in Italian]

- She's like a beautiful angel.

A vision of holiness.

[bell chiming]

[choir harmonizing]

[bells ring]

[bishop speaking Italian]

[bishop speaking Italian]

- Welcome to the
Sisters of Charity.

In nomine Patris, et Filii,
et Spiritus Sancti, amen.

- [Woman] She looks as pure as
a driven virgin, doesn't she?

- Hey, Marco!
- Give it here!

- [Boy] Oh, give me it! [laughs]

Come on.

Take that, fella.

[boy laughs]

- Hey, come on. Join us, Rico.

- No, there's more
to life then playing.

One does not live by ball alone.

- [Boy] Hey! Come on!

Over here, over here!

- [Boy] Go get it.

- Are you Riccetto Baldazzi?
- Why?

- I have a message from
one who is in your heart.

- Tessa?

- No, the good Sister Angelica.

That is her name now.

- You've seen her?

Please tell me, is she
suffering very much?

- If you want an answer out
of me, you must calm yourself.

- I'm all right now. Go on.

- She's crazy about you.
- Yes? Yes?

- And she wants to see you.

- Oh my god! When though?

- This very night,
at the convent.

- [sighs] At the convent.

How do I get into the convent?

- In the dark it's easy.

And the wall around
isn't very high.

And, well, we'll
arrange everything.

- Huh? How do you mean?

- You'll find some
big nails in the wall

so you can climb
up to her window.

It's the second on the right

when you stand
facing the convent.

- Hmm. But the window has bars.

- Do you mean I have to
spell it out for you?

- Naturally. Else
how will I know?

- I'm very shy.

- Close your eyes then. Does
it feel better that way?

- Hmm. Well...

Yes, I think it does.

There's a bar that runs
along, over the window.

That's for you to hold
on with your hands.

Hold on tightly and put your...

Body against the window, the
full length of the bars, then-

- Then put it inside.

You must mix them until
they're blended well,

[nuns giggle]
the way one mixes pastry,

folding it layer over layer.

This, I admit, is very good,

but with cinnamon
it's much better.

- As usual, you're
late, Sister Angelica.

- I felt faint all
day. I apologize.

- Nothing serious, I hope.

- A spiritual
strain, that's all.

Of meeting you. It
affected me emotionally.

- You are very
sensitive, Sister.

Sit over here, next to me.

[Tessa gasps]

Sit down. You'll
soon feel all right.

- I'll try.

- As we were saying,
Your Excellency?

- About what?

- That corruption and sin are
a terrible menace these days.

Discipline and order
are simply empty words

that are heeded no longer.

If the world is allowed
to go on the way it is,

then very soon it will be
on the brink of disaster.

It is our duty as
messengers of the lord

to lead the people
off the road to hell

and onto the path
of righteousness.

Your Excellency?
- Yes?

- We really have to leave
you. It is time for prayer.

- Go with the grace of God.

- The same to you, Father.

[lively music]

[Enrico whistles merrily]

[water splashes]

- Are you scared or something?

- Scared? No.

You ever know me scared?
- No.

All right, come on, Dodo.

- Listen, Riccetto.

Maybe you'd rather
I wasn't here, huh?

- What the hell
makes you think that?

- You'd be better off alone.

- I need someone to
warn me of danger.

- But who's gonna warn me, huh?

- Let's go, dumbbell.
- I'm Dodo.

[lively music]

- Careful!

- [yelps] There's
someone coming!

- She's here to help
us, you asshole!

- This way, come on.

- Yeah!


- Dodo.

- Quiet! That's the
window, up there.

She's waiting for you.
- Yeah!

I could break a leg.

- Hey! You want
me to do it, Rico?

- Don't even joke about
it or I'll break your leg!

And besides, it's not very
difficult. [hums heroically]

And keep your eyes open.

[Enrico yelps]

[Dodo nickers]

I was only fooling.

- I didn't say a thing.

[suspenseful music]

[Dodo whimpers]

Tessa! [yelps]

[Dodo gulps]

It's me, my darling.

- We don't have much time,
so let's not waste a second.

Did Cielo explain to you how?

- Yeah, sure. [gulps]

- Think of me while
you're hanging out there.

- I will.

[Tessa moans softly]

Am I hanging right?

- Come on in. And be quiet!

[nuns gasp]
He'll hear you!

Cut the noise down or you're
going to ruin everything!

Get in line. Settle down.
[nuns giggling]

- Yes?

- Are you ready?

- Doesn't it look like it?
- Yeah.

You first. Come on.

- Here I am, my darling.

[nun sighs]

- Answer me!
[nuns gasp]

All right! All of
you, out of here.

I shall speak to you
about this later.

- Tessa!

Can you hear me? I
want to get down!

- [sighs] God has
been kind to you.

- Please, Tessa.

- Just what I wanted!

[Enrico yelps]

- Let me pray.

Yea, though I walk
through the valley, uh...

Uh, uh...

[Abbess sighs]

- I thank you for opening
my eyes to this, Sister.

Sometimes man is prevented
from seeing the naked truth.

He can't see the woods for
all the trees. He is blinded.

- The truth is naked,
Your Excellency.

[soft music]

- The truth is that you're a
great piece of ass, Sister.

- The lord is with me,
I shall fear no evil.

For his...



Rod and staff,

they comfort me. [gasping]


[Enrico screams]

[Dodo whimpers]

- Rico Baldazzi?

- Yes, Your Honor?

- Do you recognize this woman
known as Sister Angelica

of the Sisters of Charity?

- I do, Your Honor.

And I'll kill the bitch. I'll
kill the conniving bitch!

Let me at her! I'll kill her!

Let me go. Let me go!

I want to kill the
lying bitch! Let me go!

- There appear to be
no doubts in this case.

- Wait a moment, Your Honor.

I prefer to complete the
rest of my exposition first.

It'll be much easier for you
to make your decision then.

I guarantee that if you will
grant me this, Your Honor,

then the problems you face here

will be resolved
much more easily.

- That all makes sense.

All right, go ahead.

- The accusation is extortion
against two persons.

That's what's
written here, anyhow.

The defendant is Lisa
Martini, present in court.

The story that
resulted in this charge

is as follows, Your Honor.

- [Eugenia] Lisa! Lisa!

Where the devil are
you, girl? Lisa!

[Lisa sighs]

- Bitching old bag, she is.

- Lisa!

Why aren't you ever where
you should be, Lisa?

I might just as
well be on my own.

- I was putting the
washing out to dry.

- Why, just at the
moment I need you,

you're always doing
something, dear girl?

Now help me, Lisa.

- I really must go and get-
- To hell with that!

- Please forgive
me, dearest one.

I ordered Lisa to prepare lunch.

I have a most important meeting
at the bank this afternoon

and I don't want to keep
my colleagues waiting.

In that case, then,

I'll have to come to
lunch completely nude.

[bright music]

What is it, darling?
Aren't you satisfied?

- No, I'm sick and tired of
having to meet you like this.

Eight times a month
is hardly satisfying.

- Aw, so that's
what the matter is.

- Is it enough for you?

- Hmm.

- What's this about?

- It's your letter of
presentation, darling,

certifying that you're
a top-rate butler.

- Who wrote it?

- It isn't important.
A friend of mine.

The important thing
is you got the letter.

- You did this
especially for me?

- Not quite. I did it
for us both, my darling.

- I think I will retire early.

Today has really been... [yawns]

Very tiring, you know, dear.

- Lisa?

Did you prepare my room, yet?

- Yes, my lady.

- And my husband's, Lisa?

- No. Bitto did, my lady.

- Oh, by the way, Lisa, tell me,

what do you think of
our new acquisition?

- Well, sire, if
you really do need

to hear my poor, humble opinion,

I get the impression that
he's as queer as a clam.

- [gasps] My dear girl,
where did you get that idea?

- Well, sire, a woman can tell.

The proof is that since
he arrived in the house,

he hasn't given me more than
a single cursory glance.

- What do you mean, Lisa?

Are you trying to
turn my house into a-

- "Whorehouse" is
the word, dear.

- Oh, woman! You're disgusting!

I forbid you to say
such things in my house!

- Oh, your language
is monstrous!

- Thank you, Lisa.

I find your opinion of
Bitto very interesting.


- Goodnight, my lady.

[suspenseful music]

[Estoffo snoring]

- Eugenia?

[suspenseful music]

- Appearances are
misleading, sire.

Or so the philosophers say.

- I know, but why do you?

- Because I have a good pair
of eyes to see with, sire.

And I often see
more than others.

- Oh? What are you
trying to say, Lisa?

Do you know something
about my wife that I don't?

- Oh, sire, I have never been
one for vicious idle chatter.

Words don't mean
anything on their own.

They are not the proof

that seeing with your
own eyes is, are they?

- Tell me how you can prove it.

- By showing you. For 20 scudo.

- Are you sure you have
something to show me?

- Certainly, sire.

You will see.

[knock at door]

- Yes?
- Open the door, Lisa.

It is I.

[suspenseful music]

- Come on.

Now you'll see.
They're already there.

- I go in the cupboard too?

- There's a hole in the
wall. Here, I'll show you.

- That's my wife, I know it!
That's her bottom all right!

- I'm glad you recognize it.
- What about him?

How did he manage to
get into the house?

- The door behind the
stable. It's never locked.

- But who is he?

- I don't know. It's not
really important, is it?

- Important? Of course it is!

No, it's not. Not at all!

Whoever it is I'll kill
when I get... [shouts]

[Lisa yelps]

[Estoffo grunting]

- Excuse me for intruding, sire.

I didn't realize you'd
be here. I apologize.

[Lisa gasps]

- Don't leave. No, wait
a minute, come back here.

I wasn't, uh...

I wasn't doing anything.

I was, uh...

I was simply taking a
walk around the house.

- That's obvious, sire.

The cupboards too?

- Oh, what have the
cupboards got to do with it?

You wouldn't be thinking
that maybe Lisa and I-

- No! No, nothing like that.

Others would, I think.

But I, no.

- What do they
know, these others?

- Nothing as yet, sire.

But you know how,
uh, word spreads.

- I can prevent is
spreading, can't I?

It can be stopped can't it?

- It takes money to do that.

- Hmm.

How much?

- Five scudos a word.

- And how many
words could spread?

- Oh, about six.

"Estoffo Demarto is
screwing his servant."

- Hmm.

30 scudos.

It's all for a good cause.

- And how much would
you pay for, uh...

What shall we do with that
bastard who screws your wife?

- I'm going to kill the
bastard, understand?

It'll be a pleasure
and I'll do it!

- Wait, sire.

You have a good reputation.

You're a very important
citizen of this town.

So why not allow me
to do it instead?

Let me eliminate this intruder.

- You mean you'll do this for...

For me?

- With pleasure, sire.

And you know I wield
a pretty good sword.

And such an incident can
be explained quite easily.

I caught a robber in
the house and we fought.

That way your wife won't
be included in the matter.

Everything will be
normal, just as it was.

I await, sire, only
your permission.

- Oh.

That'll earn you...

Um, 30 scudos.

[Bitto laughs]

[husband grunts]

50 scudos.

- Thank you.

- But I want to watch
you when you do it.

Through that hole.

- I don't see anything
against it, sire.

Tomorrow night.

- Hmm.

- [gasps] Are you quite mad?

What if anyone should come in?

- Don't put on that act of
modesty with me, Eugenia.

I have good reason to be here.

And your husband is out
at least until midday.

- Couldn't you have waited?
I'll be seeing you tonight.

- Sure I could.

But you couldn't, my sweet.

- What does that mean exactly?

- Your husband knows all
about your nightlife.

- Are you certain?

- As certain as I'm
here with you, Eugenia.

- Oh, dear god. How did
he find out about it?

- Cut out the histrionics.

There is one way we
can save the situation.

- What's that?

- I'm going to need 50 scudos.

And your full cooperation.

- I'd like to know why
you want the scudos.

- To buy a sword for myself.

And to organize a special show.

- All right. What's your plan?

- The scudos.


- All right, now then?

- Tonight you come to my room.

[Estoffo growling]

- [Eugenia] Who is it?

[Estoffo laughs]

Bitto! What are you doing here?

Get out at once!

- You'll pay the price for
this! Pay with your life!

[Estoffo cackles]

You scoundrel! Prepare to die!

- No!

Leave him alone.
He's not a fighter.

- Kill the bastard.

That's it. Lovely.

Run him through. Go on!

- It'll be a pleasure
to kill you. Take that!

[Bitto whimpering]

[Estoffo laughs]

Run, coward! Run!

And remember this:

if you make the mistake
of ever returning again,

I shall show no mercy!


- Well, you mark my words,
that's done the trick.

If he has an ounce of
brains in his head,

he won't come back.

- [Lisa] Wait, sire.

- Huh?

- Give her enough time
to return to her room.

- Oh.

Well, what shall I say to her?

- Nothing, and be
assured that I will see

that Bitto stays
silent about it.

- All right.


- Treat her gently,
I beg of you.

After all, she is your wife.
And you love her still.

- Very well. I will
do as you suggest.

Lovely. [hiccups]

[tranquil music]


I've been thinking...

That in fact it
wouldn't be immoral

to sleep in the
same bed together.

If you would like to, that is.

[sentimental music]

[Lisa and Bitto laughing]

- 130 scudos! Know what?

I'm beginning to think that
we're pretty much on the ball!

[both laugh]

- I agree I am, yes.

Why don't prove that
you are too? [laughs]

- Huh?

[Bitto howls]

[Lisa laughs]
[Bitto growling]

[ominous music]

- Oh yes, certainly, Your
Honor. I know her, all right.

That's her, Lisa Martini.
She's one of our servants.

A disgraceful girl with
morals like a donkey!

- Who's brought
charges of complicity

against her colleague,
Bitto Ragnelli.

- Then she's lying,
Your Honor! She's lying.

Bitto is an honest, worthy boy.

I guarantee his character
myself personally.

- Then in that case the
charges of complicity

are found invalid, sir.

- [Magistrate] The
accused is free to leave.

- I don't know how
to thank Your Honor.

- Prosecutor, will
you please proceed?

- In this case the
defendant is charged

by her husband, a
Francesco de' Bardi.

He accuses Violetta, his wife,

of multiple
adultery, Your Honor.

- Multiple?

- Well, that's how
it's written here.

Maybe the evidence will
explain it better, Your Honor.

- [Francesco] Five and
five, I get a point.

- Shit!

- I told you.

- It's a jinx, that's all.

- It ain't that.

At dice you're as stupid
as a cockroach's toe.

[dice rattle]

Not again!

- Too bad, huh? Next
time you'll get a double.

- Ah!



Come on, hurry up.
- Wait a minute.

[dice rattle]


These two wooden witches'
warts, they hate me!

- What the hell does it matter?

We're all getting rewarded.

- What are you
saying, goat head?

You're not to say
anything about that.

- What are you worried about?

- She listens to
everything we say.

She doesn't miss anything.

- There's nothing
to worry about out,

as long as the barn
door isn't left open.

- Quiet, you fool!

- You, ooh, ooh...




- You drink the
wine like sponges.

Now you four busters
have had enough.

- Go to bed, dammit,
or just keep still.

Besides, it's getting very late.

- I'm sick of going to bed
and waiting there for you.

And that's the truth!

- She's just joking!

- And it's your fault,
you and your friends.

I'm tired of going to bed alone!

- Aren't there any
letters you could write?

What about your mother?

- What I go through isn't fair!

The four of you get to do
this night after night.

You love to play dice and get
bloated from your drinking.

It can't go on any
longer. I'm sick of it.

I want to make love. I want
to feel like a woman again.

- Go do bed!

- I will not!

Maybe you don't know it,
but it gets a little boring.

What have these three
idiots got that I haven't?

- [Francesco] These three
idiots are our guests.

And this is not a subject
to discuss in front of them!

- And don't you
imagine their wives

are complaining as much as I am?

They treat them the same way.

Maybe you don't think that our
feelings are very important,

except that we're totally
sick to death of it.

- That's quite enough!

- Now then, you'll go to bed
without further discussion.

That's an order.

- An order?

- You heard me. Go
to your room now.

- An order, huh? [chuckles]

Then goodnight!

- It's madness, I think.

- My wife's exactly the same.

- I don't suppose that-

- Quite the same.
- And mine.

- Although...

She'll calm down.

- Hmm, she's bound to calm down.

- Yeah. No point in worrying.

- Another drink?
- Thank you.

- Right.

- What?
- Yes.

- Whose turn?
- Filippo.

- I gotta win. Or
at least this time.

A little luck for your papa.

[soft music]

- That's enough. Now it's
time for some action.

- Right.
- Who gets first crack?

- Francesco won the most.
He's the first to go.

Next one to go is Marco,
then Filippo, then me.

- You're the last man?
Well, don't worry.

We'll all grease
the waves for you.

- You go to the devil.

- I'll be along shortly.

Don't start anything
before I get there.

[Marco sighs]

[lively music]

[suspenseful music]

- Right, left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right.

Left, right, left.

Right, and...


- Hey, what are you
shouting cadence for?

You want everyone
to know we're here?

- She's deaf and dumb. Who
the hell else is there?

Where you going?

- Where's he going?
- Keep quiet.

- Where's Francesco?

[Marco whistles]

- Ah.

Look as those deaf
and dumb dimples.

Hey, she's tall. You know,
I never saw her standing.

- [Marco] Let me in there.

- Let you in where?
- There.

- Where?
- There!

- No, not there.
- The window, stupid.

I wanna see.


- Nice frock.
- Valentina, I think.

- No, Valentina's are
usually fitted at the waist.

- It's a pleated bodice
and that means a Valentina.

- You're wrong!

If it was a Valentina, the drape
would be cut at the bodice!

- Hey!

- There he is!

- Francesco! What the
world have you been doing?

- Certain body
functions are private.

Just a minute.
Just a minute now!

What the devil is
the question, huh?

- Hurry up, otherwise I'm
gonna lose my whole interest

by the time you
get yours started.

[Francesco singing nonsense]

[Francesco groans]

[Francesco singing nonsense]

- When's it my turn? I'm not
made of marble, so hurry!

- I am.

- It's about time.

- All right, friends.

You all know what to do.

- We all know what to do.

The problem is you guys
take too much time doing it.

Now get in there
and don't be long!

- That's what I'm famous
for. I've never been long.

- Hey, you know, with that one,

you suppose she'll even
know he's in there? [laughs]

- Good evening. It's
just little, short me.

[bright music]

- Have you girls finished

It's all just talk, it
doesn't do any good.

Talk does none of us any good.

To try to reason with
them is pointless.

As if they cared how we feel.

Then you tell us,
how do we fight this?

Just go and join a convent, huh?

- First let's try a monastery.

- I've already
decided what to do.

- What are you saying?

- It's right to the point
and simple, I think.

And though I know
they'll get angry,

it might be fun in the end.

This plan's a beauty.

- I won! I'll
precede you all, yup!

- Oh, you see that? Now
you're afraid I'll beat you.

You know I'm gonna beat you.

[suspenseful music]

- You. Hmm?

You understand? Huh?

[lively music]


- Come on!

God dammit, you manage to score

every time those things
are in your hand.

- Remember that no
one loses in the end.

- Mm-hmm!
- Shh!

- [Marco] Well, let's go.

- I said no. We gotta wait.

[lively music]

- I go first.

- I don't know.

- Wait till tomorrow night.

It'll be your turn then, okay?

- I guess.

- If you spoil it
by one bit of noise-

- [Wives] Mm-mm.

[Francesco hiccups]

- Sleeping already.

- Well, I guess I'll have to
wake her up in my usual manner.

Hey, fellas, you know something?

I've decided I've been much
to soft on my wife lately.

What do you think?

- Oh.
- Oh!

[Francesco singing nonsense]

- Little Miss Muffet. [chuckles]

I've come to share your tuffet.

- Claro.
- Hmm?

- You know?

This may astound you,

yet tonight was
really extraordinary.

- That so?
- Yeah.

- Hey!

[men grunt]

- Huh.

[bright music]

[Violetta singing merrily]

- And there.

[Violetta laughs softly]

- What's the matter with her?

Hmm. Seems like she's
gotten a lot younger.

- All women are strange.

My wife suddenly spends her
time singing all day long.

- When I got up today,
my wife right away said,

"Good morning, dear."

I mean, after four years,
why would she do that?

- What's so very
strange in all this?

A woman is happy
when she's loved.

It's time you knew it.
- Oh?

- What is it that you're
trying to tell us, dear?

That you have a
lover in the house?

- I might. The question is who?

- Who?

- Right here there
are four good men.

But it couldn't be one of
us. Who has the opportunity?

- Yeah.
- That depends.

Have yourselves another drink.

- Yes!

- I'll bet your all
really good at dice.

And of course you
are, Francesco.

You're probably the best of
all. Goodnight, everyone.

Oh, I meant to tell you.

If I'm not awake and you need
anything when you come up,

please don't stand on ceremony.

Well, goodnight.

- [yelps] Hey!

- [Claro] She's getting
better every night.

It's hard to explain.

- Yeah, isn't it?

It's so hard. I agree, yet...


I mean, uh-

- Yeah, that's probably
the only way to put it.

- I mean it's really hard!
- Very hard!

- Very hard.
- Hard!

- Yeah, that's for sure.

I mean, boy, if we
stop playing dice,

we could spend
more time with her.

- Quiet!

- Gentlemen, I
must admit tonight

I've had it and I've loved it.

All right, Number Two,
it's all cleared for you.

- Go to the devil.

[bright music]

Hey. [grunts]

Why don't we try
changing positions?

- I don't mind.

[Violetta chuckles]

- You!
- Me.

But, you mean you and-

- Now, there are
only six positions

that we are offering tonight.

You gotta obey the rules.

- You've been taking positions?
What exactly do you do?

- Well, on Tuesday
I'll be prone.

- But you said that...

You're admitting this.

My god, you mean
you freely admit

you've been prone
to us every Tuesday?

- And the pleasure for us

is the pleasure of seeing
the client served well.

You know, you ought
to come on Friday.

I'll be back again.

- Back again. Back again?

And tomorrow?

- Saturday is Maria's turn.

- You hussy!

- That's not gonna work.

You realize it's no trouble
at all to scream. [screams]

- Shit!


Let us not get angry.

Now you tell me the
truth. Is this your doing?

- Certainly. Mine and
Antonia's and Maria's-

- This is incredible.

I should...

I should...


This is blatant debauchery!

- Oh, I know. I'll
bet you enjoyed it.

And your friends.
Let's call them.

Do I call?

- Hold your tongue!
I need to think.

- [Violetta] Is
there any solution?

- Hmm. Leave it to me, child.

- Ah!

I'm very hopeful.

You'll find it, dear.

[Violetta sighs]

- All right, it's time
to climb into the saddle.

- Whoa, whoa, wait.
What's the hurry?

Wait. Maybe another
drink or two, eh?

- You crazy? I don't
understand you.

I can't wait any longer.

I'm thinking of a
better position.

- Eh, no.
- What do you mean, "Eh, no"?

- We can't have that. She's
got the right to choose.

I mean, it's not
necessary to bother her.

She might not feel
like changing.

- Huh?
- Huh?

Why not?
- It's a sin.

Really, don't you
see? Are you blind?

- Listen, my friend, you're
about the last person

who should start worrying
about my sins, I can tell you.

You worry about you.

- I do. For what I've done.

- Listen. You know what's
the matter with you?

You've had too much wine.
You're acting crazy.

Let's go, come
on. She's waiting.

- Who the hell are you
supposed to be then?

The last Puritan?

[ladies giggling]

- There we are.

They're coming!


Remember, the same old position.

[men singing merrily]

- Sir!
- Sir, you?

[Marco laughs]

♪ Position number six they
say is just as good as nine ♪

♪ But if you want some licks,
to combine them is divine ♪

- To hell with propriety.
Now for some variety!

[Claro screams]

[Francesco gasps]

- Huh.

Maybe she bit him. Or better!

[Francesco sighs]


Vicious vixen.

Vengeance is mine,
foul, filthy swine!

- [Claro] Come off it, Marco!

- [Marco] Double
trouble-dealing devil!

- Come off it, Marco!

- [Marco] Insidious,
perfidious, invidious!

- [Claro] Come off it, Marco!

- Hey, who invited you here?

[ladies laugh]

- I'm not double-double
trouble-dealing! You are!

- Oh yeah? Yeah?

[ladies laughing]

- [Filippo] Put me
down! Put me down!

- [Claro] You mindless beast!

You slimy, grimy,
two-timing rogue!

[Antonia screams]

- [Filippo] You missed!

[Filippo screams]

- You knew about
this, didn't you?

That's why you didn't
want to go along!

- Marco, don't be too hasty.
There's a logical explanation.

[Marco grunts]

[Francesco groans]

[ladies laugh]

[Francesco growls]

[ladies laughing]

- Watch this.
- Yeah?

- Watch this!
- Yeah?

- Watch this!

- Yeah?

[ladies laugh]

[Francesco groans]

- Is that all?

- No, there is still another
case to go, Your Honor.

The charge was brought
by Salvatore Anselme

against his wife Betta
for stimulating a miracle.

- [Magistrate]
Stimulating what exactly?

- I mean simulating a
miracle, Your Honor.

And I will now tell
you all the facts.

[brooding music]

- Ha!

Where is she?
- In the house, sire.

She's been there all morning.

- All morning, huh?
- Yes, sire.

If I should find out that
one of you has been lying,

I'll stamp his face
into the mud of Earth!

Is that clear?
- Yes, sire.

- Get back to work.



- What do you want?

[Salvatore laughs]

- You're all alone?

- Who do you think
would be here?

- Well, I don't know.

But I ever discover anyone...

- How, when I spend
each and all day

closed in this house
like a prisoner,

if I'm not even
allowed any friends,

if I'm not even
permitted to put my head

out of the window to breathe,

tell me, how could I
possibly do anything wrong?

- The smell of men around
here is really very strong.

- That's easy to
explain. You stink.

- Oof.


- The saintly one,
Master Salvatore.

It's Friar Lucci who's coming
and he'll want the usual.

- All right, I'll come down.

Now that is a real man.

Actually... [laughs]

He's not really a real man.

He's a monk who thinks of
God and miraculous miracles.

Move, girl. Bring him
some bread and nuts.

- Brothers of this life, peace
be yours forever, friends.

- Father Lucci, please
say a prayer for me.

My olives have been dying.

- Everything must die
in this world, my son,

even your olives.

It is the will of our lord.

- All of our crops
are failing, Father.

Can you not somehow dispel
this curse that is on us?

- It will dispel itself
when you no longer sin.

At least that's
the general idea.

On our day of judgment we
shall all receive a key

that will open one of two doors.

Each of us will receive
the key he merits:

the one to heaven,
or the one to heaven.

[angelic choir harmonizes]

- I trust that God
accompanies you, Friar Lucci.

My wife is bringing bread and
nuts, as is our tradition.

- Thank you, Brother Salvatore.

The good lord will
take note of it.

- You're a ray of light,
Father Lucci. Here is the food.

I would offer you a great
deal more if I could.

- I understand, sister.

I shall come back
and whistle for more

in the very near future.

- I shall bake another
loaf for you tonight.

- Thank you, sister.

God be with you.

Peace be upon you.

God be with you, my brothers.

- Whoa!

- Oh, thank you.

- Wait a moment,
you. Listen here.

Why did you lay hands on her?

- I caught her as she was about
to fall, sire. That's why.

- Don't give me any
of that lying shit.

Let's hear it. What's
the truth, huh?

How often have laid-
- Sire, I swear!

- No!

- What's the matter, Betta?

- What's the matter? What's
the matter, you ask me?

My god, maybe you'd understand

if you heard the way you talk.

I cannot take another of
your miserable accusations.

I cannot live another day
being treated like a whore!

It isn't jealousy!

It's the sick, sordid
working of a brain

that's beyond all help!

- Ah. Then what are
your intentions?

- As yet I don't know.

I'll decide.

Maybe I'll just go
and commit suicide.

Then at least I
won't be near you!

- Aw, fiddlesticks.

What are you staring at?

Go on now. Get back to work.

You heard! Back to work.

[sheep bleats]

[Lucci whistles]

[Salvatore snoring]

[Lucci whistles]

- There you are.

Oh! Have you worked
out a plan yet?

- Yes. Put this on quickly
and give me your nightdress.

- Oh, thank you.

- Hurry, come on.

Give it to me.

- Oh, and the ring.

- All right, let's go.

[suspenseful music]

- Hello, dear.



She's with a man! [growls]

I'll kill him! Where's my sword?


Hmm, needs sharpening.

A knife will do as well.


Carlo! Alberto!

- What is it, sire?
- What's happened?

- Betta's gone!

- Jesus!
- Mother of God!

- Well, what have they got
to do with it? Find Betta!

- We will, sire,
don't worry. Betta!


[Maria shouts]

- What's wrong? Where are you?
- The well!

- I want Betta, I
don't want a drink!

- Over there, sire.

Her ring. And her nightdress!

- She committed suicide.

- She warned us she was going
to do it, Master Salvatore.

It's just what
she said she'd do!

- Shut your face,
you stupid girl.

She committed
suicide. [whimpers]

Betta, my poor Betta. Please
don't leave me alone like this.

Poor me, I don't have anyone
to be jealous about now.

- I suppose I'd better go down

and pull up the
poor girl's body.

- There's a spell on the
well, you'd be crazy to go.

Not even your soul
could survive.

They say it's the devil's home.

- This well is to be abandoned

until the day that
I go to heaven.

It'll stand as a monument
to my dear sainted lady.


[bright music]

- Is it much further
to the monastery?

I'm beginning to droop a little.

- We're nearly there. It's
just over the top of that hill.

But if you want to
take a breather-

- I think maybe I should. Oh!


- What is it?

- I sat on a padlock
is what it is.

- Ah, let's have a look.

- Tell me something.

Why do you always say that
both keys open doors to heaven

and not one to
hell and damnation?

- Because this one
opens the one in front.

[Betta laughs]

And this one the
one in the rear.

- You're a dirty old man.

- You insult me after
I've liberated you?

- Don't give me that story.

- You're not showing
respect for my cloth.

- I respect what's
underneath it though.

[Betta laughs]

[bright music]

[soft music]

[Lucci groans]

- Are you aware of what
you've done, Brother?

- You betrayed the
sacred vow of chastity.

- You have offended
your creator and judge.

- Brother, we could
excommunicate you.

- She's a great lady.

- She is, is she?
You wouldn't want-

- Oh no, I wasn't suggesting-
- To worsen your position

by adding the sin
of greed, would you?

- Oh, no, no, no,
no, I wouldn't,

only I'll have to have a
few words with her, ask her.

- Oh, naturally,
Brother. Off you go.

He can't afford to fire all
of us. Spread it around.

- Are you sure?
- [laughs] Yes.

- You're sure?
- Absolutely, Brother.

- She's, uh, agreeable.

But there's one condition.
- What?

- She wants us to give her a
room, Brother, at the convent.

- A room for her?
- Yes!

- At the convent.

At the convent!

But of course! [gasps]

Why, she could live with us!

At the convent! What
a wonderful idea!

No, wait! Just a minute!

Elders and superiors
go first, by God...

By golly, where
are your manners?

[brooding music]

- Hello, Father.

- Hello there, daughter.

[Betta chuckles]

This reminds me of my
incestuous days. [cackles]

- Oh no, you get to
the end of the line.

- Why should I?

Is sinning a white
monopoly as well, hmm?

- Get back.

- Oh well. He who sins
last sins longest.

- Friday...

It's Friar Savio.

Saturday will be yours, Brother.

And Sunday will be mine.

- And me?

- You?
- Yeah.

- Well, when nobody's there.

[friars snicker]

- Ah!


[friars chanting in Italian]

- Friar Monday, your turn.

- Hello, Friar Friday.

- I'm Friar Monday,
daughter, not Friday.

- My god, time is really flying.

[friars chanting]

- Friar Wednesday, your turn.


Where are you going?

Today is Wednesday.

- But I thought...

When do I?

- When nobody else is around.

[friars chanting]

Today is Sunday!

It's our day, my darling.

- Oh! Already?

[Betta laughs]

I'm enjoying every day,

but for me Sunday
is the best of all.

- That's it, go on.

Cry your hardest for her.

[wistful music]

[Salvatore sobs]


Take of your hat when
you pass by the well.

There's a saint
buried down there.

- Guess who's a daddy?

- A daddy?

- I knew I was going to be
a mother, but the father-

- Is?

That's a stupid question.

Are you certain?

- Sure. I've been here
more than a month.

And now that you know,

you must try and
find a solution.

- She's pregnant, fellas.

- D'oh!
- Uh-huh.

- Don't look at me! There's
always somebody there!

- Well.

- Ah, maybe it's wind.

- Or indigestion?

- We really can't have a baby
in the convent, you know.

- You're right.

They wouldn't understand.
The people wouldn't.

- No, they certainly wouldn't.

- How can we keep it a secret?

- Shh. Let me think.

I've got an idea.

[cows moo]

My lord, please help us.

- Lord, give us your help.

- I beg you, lord, exalt me.

- Exalt us all, lord.

- I beg you to pardon
me. Don't let me down.

- Pardon us our sins.

- Swing this over the
well three times, my son.

- But Father, listen.

Do you really think Betta
will arise from the dead?

- Do you question
the power of God?

- Oh no, Brother, I
didn't mean that. I...

I was only asking because
it would be a miracle.

- If the lord has been
heeding our prayers,

Betta will return to
you as she left you.

- Do you mean that, Brother?
- Yes.

- Not maybe a little older?

- [Lucci] Only a
little, Brother.

- Huh. I ain't got
nothing to lose.

- And now return
to your position.


Draw it up.

[chain clanking]
[suspenseful music]

[wondrous music]

- Betta!


Betta, I swear to you,

as soon as I can find the
keys I'll take the belt off.

Here, darling, put
this around you.

Brother, anything I own
is yours for the asking.

Anything at all.

- There is nothing that
we need materially.

Your happiness is ours.

[Salvatore laughs]

[solemn music]

- Father!

- Bless us, Father, bless us.

- Bless you. Bless you.

- Silence in court!

Silence, or I'll have
the court cleared.

Salvatore Anselme,
considering your wife

was returned to life
by a great miracle,

would you explain your motives

for bringing this charge
of adultery against her?

- Because...

Because eight months
afterwards, Your Excellency,

this dirty, lying whore
of my wife gave me a son.


[magistrate chuckles]

- That's a pity, isn't it?

- You've heard all the
relevant evidence, Your Honor.

It is now the jury's job
to decide and evaluate

and pass out their verdict.

- Would the defense counsel
like to add something to that?

- Your Honor,

the jury,

the four cases that we've heard

were all grouped
together into one hearing

for a very specific reason.

In each the woman in question

is accused of tricking a member

of, let's say, the opposite sex

in a manner which led in
some way to breaking the law.

But I would ask all of you

to consider these
so-called crimes

from another point of
view: that of the accused.

These men who were tricked

are in fact responsible for
the way these women acted

and are all guilty of
crimes more serious

than the ones committed by
the accused, Your Honor.

Profanation of
God's sacred house,

the crimes of adultery,

pederasty, and-

- I object to that, Your Honor!

- Overruled! Defense
counsel, continue, please.

- And, finally, jealousy
of the morbid kind.

It produced reactions.

Reactions that for these four
women are totally natural.

Reactions that are essentially
characteristic, Your Honor,

to their femininity!

- I must object
again, Your Honor!

- Overruled!
- Yes, their femininity.

That gift that men young and
old so appreciate in them.

That amazing attribute
that men cannot resist,

that sends us flying!
- Control yourself, Counsel!

- Sorry, Your Honor. I
guess I did lose control.

- Gentlemen of the
jury, your decision?

- Your Honor, listen.

Have a look at them.

I think the prisoners
would rather rely

on your integrity, Your Honor.

- In accordance with my position

and the power that has
been invested in me,

and having been made
aware of the evidence

that is relative to this case,

I hereby decree that every
one of the prisoners...

[bright music]

[upbeat music]