Tales from the Darkside (1990) - full transcript

This is really three shorter movies, bound together by a fourth tale in which the other three stories are read. The first segment features an animated mummy stalking selected student victims; the second tale tells the story of a "cat from Hell" who cannot be killed and leaves a trail of victims behind it; the third story is about a man who witnesses a bizarre killing and promises never to tell what he saw, and the "in-between" bit is the story of a woman preparing to cook her newspaper boy for supper.

(honk honk)

Oh, see you in the
choir on Sunday!

Hi, Mike.

(door handle shaking)

(telephone rings)




Oh, hi.

Been home long?

No. I just got back
from the store.

We're looking forward
to tonight.

Can I bring anything?

I think I have everything.

Well, if there's anything--

Wait. There is something.

Do you have any
champagne glasses?

I thought we'd start
with champagne.

We have some.

Do you have eight?

No. We have six.

Bring them. Mitch and I will
drink from jelly glasses.

You're going to such trouble.

Of course, I'm going through a lot
of trouble for a dinner party.

I've got to run.

See you around 8:00. Bye.


Look at this floor.

I thought you love
chocolate chip cookies.

Where's that book I gave you?

When I was a little girl,

this was my favorite book.

Which one was
your favorite story?

What difference does it make?

Let me out of here! Help!

It's been so long,

I almost can't remember them.

Help! Let me out!

What are you doing?

Just preheating to 350.

Help! Help! There's
a crazy woman here!

She's going to cook me!

She's going to eat me! Help!

I never could do long division.

Let's see.

How many times
does 12 go into 75?

Oh... 6 times, 3 left over.


Well, at 12 minutes a pound,

that means you have
to be in the oven

by no later than...



But evisceration takes
at least an hour.


What's that?

It's like gutting a fish.

First you make a long slit,

then remove everything
that isn't meat--

the heart, the lungs,
the intestines, and so forth.

Then you fill it back up
with stuffing,

sew it back together
with one of these.

Maybe I should get started now.

Wait. There's plenty of time.

This was your favorite book.

Don't you want to hear a story?

A love story?

Yeah! Well, not really.

But it's a really good one.

You'll like it a lot.


It's about these
guys in college.

They live in the same dorm.

And one of them's kind of poor,

so he works his way through
school selling things.


Be careful with that.

His name's Bellingham,

and he collects antiques.

Well, one day,

Bellingham got
a very special delivery.

Meanwhile, the other guys--
Andy and Lee--

they were real rich.

And they did something
very nasty to Bellingham.

Lee, the most work you've done

in four years of college

is filling out that application
for the Penrose Fellowship.


Hard work pays off, Andy,

especially when
you have a girlfriend

who can write
award-winning essays

about why I want to spend
the summer traveling Europe.

I suppose my sister's
pretty smart.

She's just not very honest.

I don't see why you'd risk it.

If they learn she wrote
the proposal for you,

they'll kick you out.

Your family sends you to
Europe every summer anyway,

so I don't understand.


But this way I have
the Fellowship money

to bring back a Maserati.


Guess who was my main competitor

for the Penrose.

You know Bellingham works
part-time at the University Museum.

Where Susan does
volunteer work. I know.

You better hope
he doesn't find out

she helped you screw him
out of that fellowship.

Bellingham has
the hots for Susan.

Don't worry. We'll be fine.

Ah, Andy.

Ah, Edward.

How you doing?

You going to introduce
me to your friend?

Uh, yeah.

This is--

Lee... Monckton, right?


Yeah. I, uh, saw your picture

in our illustrious
college newspaper.


Oh... thank you.

It's an odd
coincidence, us meeting,

since we're in competition

for the Penrose Fellowship.

Oh, wait, wait. You said it.

Competition. Somebody...

has to win, you know.

Not always the better man.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Allow me.

Hey, thanks.

That lot 249 was a heavy mother.

You'll get your money
back tomorrow.

Oh, there's no rush.


I'll tell you what, Edward.

Just show us
what you have in there,

and my friend here
will write it off.

All right.

If lot 249 lives up
to my expectations,

it won't matter that I was
cheated out of the Penrose.


Something unfortunate
happened to me

before the committee

announced its decision.


I was accused of stealing

a pre-Columbian Zuni fetish
from the Museum.


Did you?

I loathe Zuni aesthetics.

But by the time I was cleared,

the committee decided
in your favor.


Well, who was it
that accused you?

It was an anonymous tip.


I should probably get going.

Susan's waiting at home for me.

Absolutely not.

You're not leaving here

until you see
what's inside lot 249.

That was the deal.


Edward, why would you
buy something like this?

I wasn't born with a silver
trust fund in my mouth.

You--you can actually
sell this to somebody...

for a profit?

What else would I sell it for?

Give me a hand.


God, Andy,

it looks just like your father.


(Andy) It stinks
like rotten flowers.

Let's see if the embalmers
did him any justice.

You're going to unwrap it?

Why not?

All you're looking at

is 3,000 years of dry rot.

I'm going to be late.
I'm going to...

I'll show you out.

See you later, Andy?


(woman on TV) 4, 5, over.

6. Two more.

You're back early.

We quit after two sets.

Sounds like we lost
to Andy again.

Do you know what
your brother is doing

right now as we speak?


He's unwrapping a mummy!

With Edward fucking Bellingham!

How much did you tell Andy?


you wrote the essay.


Well, that's okay.

He knows I do all
your papers anyway.

Oh, and then--and then,

Bellingham casually mentioned

that someone dropped an
anonymous tip about the stolen...

Pre-Columbian Zuni fetish?

He's guessing.

Well, maybe, but I think
Andy knows it was you.

Andy's my brother.

He won't do anything.

And Bellingham's a loser.

He can't do anything.

I've really got to
get ready for dinner.

Don't you want to see his face?

No. Thank you.

He looks pissed off.

Like he's thinking.

He's not thinking anything.

The first thing
the embalmers did

was stick a hook up his nose,

then drag his brain out
through his nostrils.

Here's where they cut him
open to remove his innards.

Then they stuff him
with flowers and spices.

Here, hold this open.

Come on, hold this open.






What? Onions and what?

A fortune cookie.

What does it say?


I have no idea.

Do you know how to read
Third Kingdom hieroglyphics?


You're taking those books
back to the library now?

They're three months overdue.

And I thought I’d
stop by to see Andy

on the way home.

You don't care about
those books or Andy.

You're going to
go see Bellingham.

I give him a hard-on.

I'll talk to him,
throw him off the track.

Zuni fetish.


(man on TV) They use
their second timeout.

I've never seen Johnny

so enraged by a defensive play.

He's arguing at
the scorer's table.

They call a technical on Scott!


"Grow, o’light.

"Come forth, o’light.

"Rise, o’light.

"Ascend, o’light.

"O’ darkness, remove thyself
from before him.

"Open his eyes.

That bastard can
read that scroll.

"Open, Tat.

"Open, Nap.

"Open his eyes.

"O’ darkness, remove thyself
from before him.

"Open his eyes.

"The eater of shadows,

"the eater of souls,

"open his eyes.

"Open, Tat.

"Open, Nap.

Open his eyes."

Oh, jeez!

Hey, Bellingham!

Hey, Bellingham, come on.

The fuse box is
right outside your door.


Come on, Bellingham. It's
the end of the playoffs.

I mean, Christ.




You okay?




What the hell
are you doing here?

I just--I just
thought I'd stop by.

What's going on? Somebody
just knocked me down.

Look, you two just wait here.

Don't go after him!

Go after who?


a thief.

Damn fuses.


he couldn't have taken much.

Would you like some brandy?

Thank you.

Did you see him?


Not really, but he did
look a little weird.

Yes, he was very weird.

He must've been on drugs.

Got off with my rings.

Roman stuff. Hollow gold.

At least he didn't
get away with lot 249.









♪ ...With me ♪

♪ That's the way
a heart breaks ♪

♪ And every man
must pay the price ♪

♪ That's the way
a heart breaks ♪

♪ You stand before the gates
of paradise ♪

♪ Of fire and ice ♪♪

(telephone rings)






This better be important.

Need any help, bill?

No. It's a mess,
but we got it covered.


You busy?

Guess I could use this, huh?

I lied to the police.

I saw who did it.


I saw who killed Lee.

He was thin...

and filthy...

and stinking.

Like rotten flowers.

Lot 249.

Very few thieves

would have the discernment
to realize

that this was
one of the Museum's

most unusual pieces.

Susan Smith stole that
fetish and planted it here.

Oh, my.

What a sensual candlestick.

Take your hands off that.

Good evening, Mr. Smith.

Dean Murray.

Andy, do you know Dr. Carey,

the curator of
the University Museum?



What's going on, Edward?

I'm a little busy
right now, Andy.


Mr. Bellingham is packing.

He's leaving the University.



Would have been
a nice acquisition

if the mummy had come with it.

What happened to the mummy?

He never did have taste.

I don't care how cheap
the psychology is.

I still hate these
stupid chrysanthemums.

I'm aware of that, operator.

I've been trying to get
through for a half hour.



Please, somebody help me!








Damned fuses.



Oh, you're awake.

That's my master's thesis.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm going to start a
little fire under your chair

and roast your nuts.


Because you killed my sister

and my best friend.

That's why.

I didn't kill them.

Right. Right.
Your friend lot 249 did.

Ah. I thought he'd be back.

The alleged perpetrator's
got an airtight alibi.

He's been dead for 3,000 years.

Then these should make
for excellent kindling.

Oh, Andy, you're crazy.

Ooh, damn, I think
I forgot my matches.

Grow, grow, o’light.

Ascend, o’light.

Rise, o’light.
Come forth, o’light.

O’ darkness, remove...

Re--shit, how does it go?

Remove thyself from them.

Open, Tat. Open, Nap.

Open his eyes.

Open his eyes. Open--


I believe in being prepared.


Batteries in case
those fuses blow again.

Need a hand up there,
fella? Huh?



I'm not going to apologize

for what Lee and Susan
did to you.

I won't call the cops either,
because what sane person

would believe that
a 3,000-year-old mummy

really did come
back to life anyway?

But I do have another idea.

Well, that takes care
of that, doesn't it?

Would you untie me, please?

Yeah, of course.

As soon as you tell me
where the scroll is.

You don't need the scroll.

It only worked for that mummy,

which you've totally destroyed.

The second drawer in
the desk on the right.

It's irreplaceable.

Yeah, I certainly hope so.

That scroll would have
made my entire career.

My sister and my best friend
died because of this.

Killing me won't
bring them back.

If I let you live,
that will bring them back?

Don't worry, Andy.

You'll never see me again.

But I'll find a way
to keep in touch.

Open, Tat. Open, Nap.

Bind them both to my service

and to the gods
of death, terror,

and revenge.

Ha ha ha!

Hey, man, what's so
fucking funny?

I was just thinking
of this guy I know.

Couldn't distinguish a
Third Dynasty sacred scroll

from a piece of
post-Alexandrian pictogram porn.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Mom, I'll be home as soon
as finals are over.

Yeah, the funeral
was hard on me, too.

No, the police don't
have any leads yet.

All right?

I'll see you next week.


(pounding on door)


Bellingham sends his regards.

Antiques are so fascinating.

You told that very well.

Thank you.

Goodness, it's almost 1:00.

We've got to get things started.

You know, if I’m
not home by 6:00,

they'll come looking.

Looking for what, dear?

Uh... wait.

I'll tell you another story.

Put the book away.

But it's the best story yet.

I stopped reading twice
because I got scared.

It's about the old man
who's so rich

and lives in this
big house all by himself.

Okay. This'll be the last story,

and you have to make it quick.

I will. I promise.

It's about this old
man named Drogan.

Old man Drogan
had this big problem,

so he hired this man
to help him...

a very professional man.

It's already taken care of, pal.

Here, Mr. Halston.


You are Mr. Halston, aren't you?

That's me.

Tell the driver to wait.

The man says you should wait.

For what this guy's paying,
I ain't going nowhere.

Take your time.

In here, Mr. Halston.

In here.

I want you to make a hit.

That is what you do,
I understand.

How did you get my name?

A Mr. Saul Loggia

told me that you know him.

Who do you want hit?

Your victim is right behind you.


I ought to kill you for that.

I don't like jokes.

I don't make jokes.

Sit down.


Sit down, Mr. Halston,

and look in that envelope.


There will be another 50,000

when you bring me proof

that the cat has
ended its time on earth.

I don't believe this.

You're hiring me to kill a cat?

That cat has killed three people

in this household.

That leaves me.

I need not explain anything,

but I will.

In fact, I feel the
need to justify myself

so you won't think me mad.

This is quite a mansion,

don't you think, Mr. Halston?

Quite a mansion.

Help me up.

Over the years

I filled this place
with everything,

everything you could want,

everything you could ever want.

There used to be
four of us living here--


and Carolyn Broadmoor,

the only friend
of my sister Amanda.

And Richard Gage, a hired man

with the family almost 20 years.

We were a dull collection

of rich, old, unhappy people.


the cat came.

It was Gage who saw it first.

He tried repeatedly
to scare it away,

but every time he drove it off,

it kept coming back.


my sister Amanda
noticed the animal.

She's the one

who took it in.

Oh, the poor little thing.

It's starving.

Is oo hungry, darling?

(cough cough)

Is oo hungry?

(cough cough)

Cats aggravate
emphysema, Carolyn.

Get rid of the filthy thing.

Cats aggravate
my brother, Carolyn.

Don't pay any attention.

I want it out of here!

Either out of here or dead!

Which is it to be?

Don't you ever

dare to hurt this cat!

You hate cats. You always have.

You're wrong. I don't hate cats.

Cats hate me. Don't you see?

We're all in danger
while this animal's here!

You'll find out!
You'll find out!


You all right?

I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

You know who I am, don't you?

That is, where
my money comes from?

Drogan Pharmaceuticals.

One of the biggest
drug companies

in America, Mr. Halston.

And the cornerstone
of our financial success

has always been this.


compound "G."

Good old tri-dormal-G.

A combination painkiller,

and mild hallucinogen.

Remarkably helpful
to those of us fighting

the debilitating effects
of an aging heart.

It's also remarkably expensive.

It's also remarkably

I've read all about it, Drogan.

That stuff is one step
up from street junk.

You've obviously
done very well with it.

And you've done well yourself.

Saul Loggia knows of
at least two dozen jobs

you have done for various members
of the professional community.

All right.

We each know who it is
we're dealing with.

Tell me the rest of the story

about that cat.

Ah, yes.

The cat killed them.

I warned them,
but they wouldn't listen.

They found out.

They found out.

My sister was the first to die.

It was midnight.

She was on her way
to the kitchen

to get that evil beast
some food.

We heard her scream.





What happened, Amanda?

Death by accident,
the coroner said.

But I knew.

Why didn't you get rid
of the cat then?

I tried, Mr. Halston.

I tried.

I'll kill it!

Let me have it!

I'll kill it!

Carolyn locked the damn thing

in her room.

She became obsessed
with the animal.

I'm going to kill it!
Do you hear me?

I'll kill it!
I'll kill, kill, kill!

My mother told me

that cats like to get babies
and old people

when they're asleep
and steal their breath.

Carolyn died
at midnight as well.

Suffocated in her bed.

The coroner said
natural causes in her case,

but again...

I knew.

What did you do then?

I told Gage to get rid
of the vile thing.

It took him almost 24 hours

to find the cat and capture it.

Without concern for the time,

I sent him out to Milford
to the veterinarian...

to have the beast put
away once and for all.

I phoned ahead to the vet.

"Mr. Drogan," he said,

"it's midnight."



(horn honks)

(honk honk)

A week later,

the day Dick Gage was buried,

the cat came back.

No one actually witnessed
any of these deaths.

What makes you think

this cat had anything
to do with it?

I'm sure it killed them.

It killed them all.

And I'm next!

I'm afraid of it, Halston.

It skulks around in the shadows,

watching me.

It's waiting.

It's torturing me by waiting.

It's been sent to punish me.

I don't get it.


That's what it's about.

It's a synthetic,

developed in our
laboratories in New Jersey.

Our testing of tri-dormal-G

was confined almost
solely to cats

because of the unique quality

of the feline nervous system.

How many did you eliminate?

Over four years of testing...

5,000 cats.


5,000 of your buddies
get wasted,

and they send you back
to settle the score

with Drogan here,

is that the deal, pussycat?

Don't make light of it, Halston.

I warn you.

I never make light of any
matter involving $100,000.

Then you'll take the job?

I could do it now
if you want me to.

I could put my hands
around its neck

and snap it.


Son of a bitch!

It's not going to be
that easy, Mr. Halston.

Don't worry, Drogan.

I'll kill your cat for you.

Good. Kill it, bury it,
and bring me its tail

so I can throw it in the
fire and watch it burn.

I'm going into the city.

That's why I made the taxi wait.

There's food, there's
liquor, there's everything.

Everything you could want.

Everything you could ever want.

(thunder rumbling)

Okay, cat.

It's just you and me now.

Jesus Christ.

Crazy old fucker.

Crazy old rich fucker.

How about it, kitty cat?



(clock chimes)

you could ever want."

Why is it rich guys always
buy the cheap stuff?

Look at this shit.

Hey, cat!

For me, it's nothing
but the best.

All the time.

you could ever want."



Hey, you little motherfucker!

Nobody hits me twice!

No fucking body hits me twice!

Can't get hot.

Can't let yourself
get hot, ever.

You make mistakes
when you're hot.

What is this?

What is this shit?

Oh, no!


This is a $100 shirt.

You'll be sorry
you messed with me,

you little shit.

I got a reason to kill you now.

Drogan, you cheap bastard.

Come on, kitty cat.
Let's be friends again.

We can go over
by the fire like before.

You can sit on my lap again,

and I'll give you a nice boost.


This is the real stuff,
kitty cat.

Not like that cheap crap
Drogan sells.

What do you say?



You're beating me, pal.

You're beating me good.

I'm trying too hard.

Hey, cat...

I've never blown a hit yet.

It's just a matter of time.



Get away!

Get off of me!


Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

You're done for, you fuck.

The rest of your nine lives

are going in one lump sum.

I can outwait you,
you little shit.


I've never blown
a hit yet, kitty cat.

This is the end of you.

That's impossible.

Fucking impossible!

I had a dead bead on you.

Where are you?

You son of a bitch,
I know you're in here.




(clock chimes)



Aah! Aah!

Aah! Oh! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, no.


(clock chimes)



Aah. Aah. Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!


My goodness,
that was a scary story.

But my favorites
were the love stories.

Uh, yeah. There's one story in
that book that's really scary.

But it's a love story, too.



Which one was that?

The one that's in New York.

You still have to cook
for quite a while,

but I'd love to hear the story.

"There's a part of New York
that's busy during the day,

"but late at night when
hardly anyone is around,

"strange things
sometimes happen.

"Ten years ago,
on a cold, dreary night,

"an artist named Preston

saw something
very, very strange."

(telephone rings)

Oh, yes. Wyatt.




Preston, it's Jer.

There's a guy here--

Fortyish, anal retentive
type, right?

On the money.

Tell him I've been
waiting half an hour.

He's been waiting half an hour.

Another Drambuie
on the rocks, please.

This one's on him.


Keep it.

Wyatt, I'm sorry.

I was just working
on a new piece.

Ah, come here.

Hey, Jer. Give me a Holsten.

So, did you bring me a check

or just a lot of cash?

Thanks, Jer.

Judith says she hasn't moved
anything of yours in four months.

Judith Amato. Big
gallery on West Broadway.

If it isn't out by
tomorrow, it gets junked.

What? Wyatt, you've got
to convince her that I--

I can't convince her
of anything.

Wyatt, you're my agent.

Well, not exactly.

Preston, your artistic vision is
just not a marketable commodity.

Wyatt, I'm broke.
I can't live on nothing.

And I can't live
on 10% of nothing.

You're a monster.

I'm an agent.

For an agent, being a
monster is just credentials.

I'm sorry, Preston.

Fuck you!

Jesus, what am I
supposed to do now?

Ah, Jesus.

There's Van Gogh. Degas. Rodin.

They didn't have agents.

How'd they get so successful?

They died.

Time to put it to bed, Preston.

All right.

What about Maddox?

Let him out in the morning.

That's probably how I'll end up.

Oh, jeez.

You're pissed out of your mind.


I'll take you home.

All right.

(unzips pants)

Why didn't you do that inside?

I did. It just goes
right through.




Oh, my God!



Help me.

Help me!


Maddox! Maddox, open the door!

Help! Maddox, open the door!

Please! Aah!

Please! Please don't!

Your life in exchange
for a promise.

You got it.

If I let you go,

you must swear you'll
never say you saw me.

Never say you heard me speak.

Never tell anyone how I look.

Never repeat what I've said.

A promise forever.

You got to be kidding.


Cross your heart?


I promise!

(wings flapping)




Come here.

No! Oh, God!

Shh! Shut up. Please be quiet.

Please be quiet. Shh.

I'm not going to hurt you.

Just be quiet, all right?

All right? I won't hurt you.

Let go of me!

What are you trying to do?

Take a taxi.

You don't see any
taxis out here, do you?

If you want one,

you can use the phone
from my place.

Look, my name is Preston.

I live just around the corner.

Come on.

Come on.

I thought someone was
following me back there.

That wasn't me.

Here we are.

What are you doing down here?

I was supposed to meet some
friends, but I got lost.

Here you go.

So what were you doing
out this late?

I was having an argument.

My agent dumped me tonight.

Police, 16th precinct. Hello?


anyone there?


The line's busy.

We'll try again in a minute.

By the way... what's your name?



Can I have something to drink?


So where are you from, anyway?


Sort of.

I had a boyfriend in California.

But... it didn't work out,

so I left.

You're the first real
artist I've ever met.

Tell that to my agent.

Did he do that?

I had a run-in
with a bottle of scotch.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

I'm sorry.

Say, did you try
that taxi again?

Maybe you should
wait till morning.

Good morning.

Last night was
very important to me.

It was a nightmare.

Oh, no, Carola!

Not you!

It was everything else
until I ran into you.

That part was good.

It was very good.

I needed it.

I need more of it.

I do, too. Right now.

Oh, yes.

Help me!

Oh, look...

I have to go out for a while.

Wait for me.

Hey, that's my friend!

That's my friend!

I want to go!

Someone cut off his head!



Yeah. I would've left, too.

Help me!

(intercom buzzes)


It's Carola.

Can I come up?



I know what you're thinking,

but the girl I'm staying
with, her boyfriend--

I didn't ask any questions.

I called a friend of mine--

She's a friend of a friend.

She owns a gallery
on Houston Street.

That's House-ton Street.

I told her how wonderful
I thought your work was,

so she'd like to come see it.

Does she have a name?


But I don't remember the rest.


Victorine Roget?

A friend of a friend?


I hope you don't mind.

Victorine Roget...

owns the hottest
gallery downtown.

Of course I don't mind!

It's what I've always wanted.

So how does it feel
to be a huge success?

Victorine just sold a piece
to a couple for $23,000.

You're a smash.





Excuse me.

Hey, Maddox.

Nice work.


I haven't seen you around, pal.

Not since the night Jer died.

I'm Carola.

Nice to meet you.

Who's Jer?

The bartender at this bar--

He died.

In the alley out back.

Come on. Let's go.

Hey, you know
something, don't you?

Just sober up, Maddox,

before someone puts
a match to your breath.


I told the cops
everything I knew,

which is exactly nothing.

Come on.

Promise forever.

So are you sorry you met me?

You take care of me.

Maybe just a little bit...

I take care of you.

Will you take care
of me... and my child?

Your child?

Oh, so...

We going to make this
little bastard legitimate?

To put it another way...

will you marry me?

Will you marry me like this?

Oh, ho ho! Yes, baby!

No! I'm pregnant!

Come here, sweetie!

No, no, please!

Where are the scissors?

Oh! Ohh.

Mom, look what Wyatt
bought for me!

They took our picture
a million times.

These kids ran me ragged.

Each has the metabolism
of a hummingbird.

Ooh, is there some party
tonight that I'm missing?

Yes. Preston and I
are celebrating

the 10th anniversary of
the night we first met.

When you thought he was
going to rape you?

Yes, darling.
It's also the night

that Wyatt here gave
your father the shaft.

I had to murder
three other agents

before you'd let me
represent him again.

And you're still on probation,

you mercenary wretch.

Find another agent
that'll baby-sit

the spawn of hell
on a Saturday night.



Choose your weapon.

Ten years.

So many things have changed.

Changed for the better, I hope.

The night I met you,
I almost died.

What do you mean?

Well, let's just say

it was the night my
life started over again.

So, happy anniversary.

You know, you saved Preston

from people like me.

She saved me from myself.

Time to go.

Sincerity is bad
for my self-image.

Good night, Wyatt.

Good night, Wyatt.

Whoa, taxi!


Let's move to the country.

We'll buy a big house

with lots of land for the kids.

They'd hate it
as much as you would.

Then for you.

There's nothing
you could give me

that I don't already have.

Yes, there is.

Oh, Christ,
I hate this neighborhood.

Can't get a cab here ever.

No one has ever seen this.

That's what killed Jer.

Then it turned on me.

I knew I was going to die,

but it spoke. It spoke.

It told me it wouldn't kill me

if I promised never to
tell anybody what I'd seen.

So I never told anybody.

Then why are you telling me?

Because you're the most
important thing

in my life.

You've brought me
ten years of happiness,

Ten years of success,

ten years of a perfect life.

I'm telling you
because I love you.

You deserve everything
I can give you,

and I've never
given you the truth

about what happened
the night we met.


What's wrong?

I'm not making this up.

I'm telling you the truth.

You promised you'd never tell!



Oh, God.

You broke your promise,
you idiot!

I loved you!


Jesus, please...

Carola, stop it!
Just change back.

I can't.




What's wrong with the kids?
Stop it!

It's too late.

You betrayed your vow.

It can't be!


I'm so sorry.


I loved you.

And I loved you, too,

but you broke your vow,

and that sealed our destiny.



What the hell was that?

I don't want to know.


My goodness, you really did
keep the best one for last.

No. I saved the really,
really best one for now.

You should have told me

the really, really
best story before,

'cause now it's too late.

It's the best one because
there's a happy ending,

a really happy ending.

The stories in that book
don't have happy endings.

But you got to hear this story.

This kid, his name's Timmy...

That's nice, dear.

And Timmy's older brother
had this paper route.

One day, when
Timmy's brother got sick,

Timmy had to go collecting.

Timmy went to this one house,

and this lady at the door
said, "Come in."

He went inside, and she
threw him into a pantry.

She made him eat cookies
to get fat

'cause she was going to
kill him and eat him!

This is your story,

and we both know
how it comes out.

But you don't. Something
really weird happens.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Uh, Timmy
had these marbles

in his pocket,

and they were
all shiny and slippery.

When he threw them
on the floor...

she didn't see
where they went...

and she slipped!

Timmy saw his chance
to escape...

if he could just reach the keys!



Don't you just love
happy endings?