Take Away (2002) - full transcript
An actress on location in Berlin, Germany begins to blur her own life with the character she plays.
(electronic music)
- It's really important to know that,
I didn't leave him, he left me.
I came back and everything
that was important
to him was gone and he had just left,
but he left years before.
He left a very evil twin in his place.
I can't even go on,
I'll love him forever but
that evil twin is not him.
He's dead, he's gone.
It would be easier if he was buried.
He always keeps me waiting.
- So are we gonna fight
about domestic stuff?
You always stay comfortable as I am.
- I know you are, I just
wanna see what you've got,
you always have different
things on underneath.
(laughing)
Oh shit.
What have you got in there?
You're probably gonna have to fucking
run out anyways out here.
- At a certain point, yeah.
- Yeah.
(giggling)
Oh.
(giggling)
(metallic jingling)
(giggling)
So.
- I saw Ben moving some
of these from Jersey.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- He was saying he was free.
- Free 'cause he's in Jersey?
- Yeah, yeah.
Pennyltucky.
- Pennsyltucky, it's pretty
big, that's where I'm from.
- Pennsyltucky?
- Pennsylvania.
- Really?
- Vicky, I'm really scared.
- About the human race?
- No, I'm scared about--
- The planet?
(laughing)
- Well you have to take care
of the dumb twat wife in Copenhagen.
- I don't have to do anything.
- You can go there--
- Shh.
- And I can-
- Shh.
- I can meet you.
(chuckles)
- Like kind of a secret rendezvous?
- Yeah, you can't come to
Berlin when I'm shooting though,
because I gotta concentrate.
- Mm hmm.
- I gotta concentrate.
- What are you gonna focus on?
(Philly moaning)
Hmm
Mine was growing crooked
then we straightened it out.
- You straighten your nose?
- Yeah.
- With what?
- By breaking it.
Sometimes you gotta break
'em to straighten 'em.
- Yeah, I know.
I like your beard.
- Like this country.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
You don't think I ever
listen to you, do you?
- I didn't say that.
- I hate flying.
- You need to lay down.
- Well I'm just feeling squirmy.
(chuckles)
- You getting a little antsy?
- No.
Your feet stink.
Are you gonna come to Europe with me?
You can meet me after
I've finished the movie
maybe we can go to Amsterdam
and get stoned for a week.
- This is too much planning,
it sounds ridiculous
'til we actually get to plan everything.
- If I knew that you were there
when I was finished shooting,
it would be a lot better.
- You like the idea of
company which is great
- Accompany when I'm finished,
I like to have something
to look forward to.
- Yeah, a reward.
- Yeah.
So will you come to, will you meet me?
(chuckles)
- You paying?
No, then then I have
then basically become--
- Maybe.
- It becomes responsibility,
I have to be somewhere.
- You wanna fucking find out,
yeah you wanna hear all
the good stuff, don't you?
All the stories about stuff.
- I don't wanna hear about the past.
- Yeah.
- (indistinct) sometimes it's funny,
that's really (indistinct).
- Sometimes it's just scary.
- The past?
- Yeah.
Every time I left, he got
worse and worse and worse.
It was like, he'd start
fights, he'd throw things,
he threatened me, he threatened
that he wouldn't be there
when I got back.
(upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
I often wondered where
I came from because,
I could never imagine my
parents having sex at all.
They never touched, they
never did anything except,
my father farmed, my
mother cooked and cleaned,
and that was it.
I always played with
my dolls and and dreamt
about a more exotic glamorous life,
didn't quite turn out that way.
It wasn't very exciting being a spinster
working for a grain company.
And when I had a chance to marry I did,
although it was somewhat later in life.
The husband was a husband,
I don't think I really knew who he was.
I knew he traveled and
I knew he made money,
and I know that he worked for a company,
but he was out of town a lot.
He never took me with him.
And, I was somewhat excited
when he asked me to meet him
it seemed like some type of
glamorous Hollywood movie.
He'd ask me to do stupid things before
and I never really questioned it.
But when he said withdraw
a hundred thousand dollars
from our bank account, and put
it in a bag and go to Berlin,
I thought that it was just a
little bit odd even for him.
He told me to go into his desk
and there was the bank account number,
and I had no idea, no idea at
all, that we had that money.
He kept a lot of things from me,
he punched me a couple of times.
I'm beginning to wonder
what he was, I don't know,
I thought of confronting him,
but when I looked in the window
and I saw am sitting there
with that neck of his, with
his face turned away from me,
that seemed to be his favorite position,
with his head turned away,
not paying any attention.
He would just be there, in the darkness,
his hand doing what men's
hands do, just the shadow,
and, his head and the rocking bed,
sometimes I turn my back and cry.
I just thought, "No, I
don't want to do anything,"
it was a split second decision,
and it's a split second decision
that in no way am I sorry I made.
(upbeat music)
It's really weird being alone now
after being with someone for 15 years.
I'm so accustomed to doing
things for someone else
that it's just like, I mean, I don't know
how to take care of myself,
I know how to take care of somebody else.
There's a void and I
don't know how to fill it.
And nothing's enough for
me, I just, I want it all.
And I'm afraid if do I scare them away?
And I'm alone in the darkness
that I'll even consume myself.
They'll smother myself
until there's nothing left,
eat myself, actually consume
as if I was like biting pieces
of flesh or even my own body.
And in the end, there'll
only be a black void
and I won't even be there at the end.
(soft music)
(water pouring)
(soft music)
(moaning)
I'm strong, I'm really, I've learned,
my heart's been ripped out and
you don't grow another heart.
Excuse me, do you speak English?
Do you know how much it is,
I don't know anything about the subway.
Yeah everything I guess here.
Oh 52 so can I--
- Oh yes, yes, yes.
- Okay thank you.
(background voices)
- (indistinct)
Let me have 50.
- You don't have change do you for 100?
- What's your move?
- Oh, 20 say something I don't have.
- You may (indistinct).
- I don't have 50.
- 40?
- Oh excuse me, do you
have change for 100?
- [Man] Only singles I'm sorry.
- Oh.
Excuse me, does anyone
have I guess change?
- [Woman] I have.
- Why did you have to be just now?
I feel so lost, I don't know
what I'm going to do next.
It's all so confusing.
He was there for me as long
as nothing was happening,
but now, I'm in this world
and I don't know what's happening next.
Why did he, he kept me from killing myself
when I first met him,
why isn't he here now
when I really need him?
He sent for rehab, and
the right therapist,
he was there, he love me.
Why isn't he, he started hating me,
when I started doing my own dreams.
That's not fair, that's not
the way it's supposed to be.
When you fall in love with someone
they're supposed to stay
with you and love you.
They're supposed to get excited
when you start doing your own dreams.
This isn't what I wanted he should have
just let me kill myself, I
was on the road to doing that,
I was doing really good, with
the drugs and the alcohol,
and the craziness in my life.
I would've have been dead,
he should've just let me go.
If he didn't love me for the possibility
of what I could become,
I wasn't some fucking
science project you just do
to make yourself feel good,
I'm not something that
you just fucking collect
and put on a shelf and say,
"Look at all I did for her,
she was nothing when I met her.
She's gonna be--"
And he delighted in driving me
out, in front of his friends,
and talking about how he saved my life,
like I was some type of rare object
that had been plucked out of extinction.
That's not right.
That happened with time, at
first, I was this treasure
that was going to be
lost, that he could save.
I never expected to have this,
I was ready to close the
coffin and be dead forever
and continue walking.
And when I started acting
again, it just sort of,
it was a gift that I
never expected, I savored,
I still do, but he just,
he couldn't deal with it,
he just couldn't deal with it all,
just, anything that I
did wasn't good enough,
it was shit, he didn't appreciate,
it was like, "You didn't
do what I was doing,
and you didn't do it when it counted,"
- [Man] All good.
- If, nothing matters these
days, everything shift.
And, I just, it's horrible
to be with somebody and watch them die
right in front of you.
To you just watch them wither
away so that you're left
with the person that you love,
the person that you're living with.
When he packed up and left,
he had left years ago,
I wish he had left years ago,
it would've made my heart happier,
but to be with someone, I still love him,
I look at a picture of him
with long hair and wild eyes,
and, that mischievous
crazy smile on his face
and I break down crying.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(automated voice speaks foreign language)
(upbeat music)
(bell rings)
(automated voice speaks foreign language)
(train doors opening)
(train doors closing)
I'll love him forever if he
would come back to the door
and be the person I met 15 years ago,
I would, welcome them with open arms,
I mean, I love that man,
I'll love him forever,
but it doesn't mean that I'm
not gonna go on with my life.
I'm entitled to have just
a little bit of pleasure
before I die, and I intend to get it.
(door opening)
It's easy to forget who you are,
(door bangs)
to become someone else and have absolutely
no responsibility to anyone or anything.
(champagne pops)
(laughing)
I wish I could just make myself disappear,
I can push other people away,
but when I try to push
myself away, I'm still there,
I'm stuck inside my body, and
that's a real, real problem.
No one's here and I'm
always in the corner,
and there's always me to feed,
and, I'm always behind my own eyes
looking out at everybody else,`
and they don't seem very friendly.
They'll never find me here.
(footsteps)
(car engine roaring)
(machine whirring)
Hi are you closed?
- No.
- Yeah I'd love to try
on that shoe over there.
(machine whirring)
(sighs)
(door bangs)
Really?
You think your wife fucked it up for you
does she have a warrant
against you or something?
Oh my God.
Oh fuck.
I just don't--
This is too weird for me,
I just thought they were flunking out.
Oh shit.
I think it would go back to you
if you got her killed darling.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can you get out of the country?
That's probably your best bet.
This is amazing, why
didn't you call me earlier?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah you got the right number here
double check it with...
- (indistinct).
- Oh yeah, yeah I don't know
my number here and here here
talk to him for a second.
This is too fucking--
- Philly he wants to talk to you.
- Yeah.
- He doesn't wanna talk to me.
- Hello, Oh boy, no, I'm just sort of,
you caught me in a very
un-coherent moment,
I've been drinking champagne
and we're shooting a movie,
and I'm supposed to be
talking as my character.
You've only had one beer and one joint
since you've been here?
Well, it's probably better at this point
that you stay focused
with what's happening.
All I've been doing is
like shooting my movie
and when I've called
up, they've just said,
"Oh, we don't know where he
is," and treating me like shit,
so, I mean, I just thought that you were,
if you got an email from me, it was like,
"Go fuck off," because I
didn't know what was happening.
Oh shit, he's not selling
some weed by the kilos,
I don't believe you are not reality.
I have no idea what to tell you to do.
If you do that, then
you will end up in jail
for those two.
But you don't look like
everybody else there baby,
you don't.
I think your best thing is
to get back to New York.
I have no idea what to say to you
this is all also crazy.
(electronic music)
I gave up, I gave up
smoking, I gave up drugs,
I gave up eating, I gave up everything
'cause I wanted to be
healthy, and beautiful,
and skinny and alive and all that stuff.
I just wanna have a good time
I don't give a damn any of it.
I want drugs, I want sex, I
wanna eat anything I want to,
and I wanna consume the world
and that's who I am now,
I just wanna enjoy everything,
and let everyone just be aware
'cause I'm out to rip the world apart.
(upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
(car engine roaring)
I can never get away fast enough,
I wonder what happened to him.
Was he just trying to get money from me?
I just don't care anymore.
Maybe he didn't change, maybe I did,
maybe I maybe that's what happened.
I changed and he left me because
I wasn't the same person,
the person he loves is dead,
and I'm left in that place.
So maybe he just left me
'cause I didn't keep my
promise to him, who knows?
I'm just going to have to
learn to be like everyone else,
just keep on walking, sleepwalking,
walking through the fire,
if people remember me, they remember me,
if they don't, it's all
the same in the end.
(background noises)
How do you go about
finding love somewhere?
I loved someone then they're gone.
(siren wailing)
I always believed that it
was just one person for me
but maybe there's one essence,
and it travels from one
person to the other,
maybe what I'm looking for is something
that's now inhabiting someone else.
So I have to find that somewhere,
I don't know where to start,
I knew what it felt like it,
I remember what it felt like,
and I have to have it again,
I mean what use is life,
is life worth living if you
can't find someone who you love?
And people say that
there's only one person
and one love, I think
there's only one essence
but maybe it migrates to someplace else.
And you spend your whole life chasing
that fleeting thing that jumps
from one person to another.
(background voices)
(automated voice speaks foreign language)
I just want to erase everything.
I want glimpses of everything.
I wanna have sex with strangers,
I wanna have sex all men
without saying anything,
I want to without talking
experience everything
I can experience in all at once,
You don't want them know your names.
I want life to be everything
that it was before.
And have a good time, I mean
what else is there in life?
There's making movies, and then
there's the rest of the life
that you just like fill in the blanks
with like sex and drugs
and traveling and whatever,
whatever turns you on,
whatever turns on me on.
I mean, I don't know what to
do with my rest of my life
I mean, in between the
projects I'm nothing.
(ethereal music)
♪ Time to get up ♪
♪ And take a bow ♪
♪ Kind of wake up ♪
♪ But you don't know how ♪
♪ Stop the dreaming ♪
♪ 'Cause the time was now,
now, now, now, now, now, ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ With heavy eyes, it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the weight off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ To bid her back, cause
I'm feeling scarce ♪
♪ My empty words ♪
♪ Like in Hollywood ♪
♪ Never feel like you thinking ♪
♪ It should, should, should,
should, should, should, should ♪
♪ Should, should, should,
should, should, should ♪
♪ With heavy eyes it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the weight off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
♪ With heavy eyes it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the wait off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
♪ With heavy eyes it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the weight off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
(upbeat music)
(siren wailing)
(bell ringing)
(motor cycle engine roaring)
You wait and you wait and you wait,
and it's hard to maintain
that wonderful spot,
you go back to being yourself,
how do you like sit there
in your own stupid skin,
in between cakes and wait.
I just wanna go there and
I wanna stay there forever.
It's the same thing like what
do you do when it's over?
When they pack up those
stupid machines that they use,
and go away and you're stuck at the end,
the movie's over the,
the character is evaporated
and you're left with that void,
I mean, what do you do, how do you live?
I always find myself
when a project is over,
not knowing who I am, mourning
the creature that was,
and like not really wanting to go on
it's like, I've done
everything I could possibly do,
it's all over, and there's
nothing more to do.
It hits me every time, and it hits me
in between the shots.
It's very, very easy
to push everybody away.
So easy to do that, you just
put your hand up and say,
"Go away, go away, I don't
wanna see you anymore."
People understand that
and they just go away.
I know how to be nothing,
I was nothing all my life.
When I'm waiting that void comes back.
I hate waiting, why can't
they just keep the cameras on
all the time and never stop?
That's what I really want.
I want that all to enstate all the time.
I don't wanna be aborted
out of that reality,
and it happens, in between every shot,
and in between every project,
I mean, I know, I know how to live
when the camera's turned on,
but I've never quite perfected
the art of living in between.
Do you want me to go?
I wanna be nothing, 'cause
nothing doesn't feel.
(footsteps)
I dreamed about all those
men I've had sex with,
and hope that they remember me somehow.
(ethereal music)
(upbeat music)
♪ Show me your hands ♪
♪ Now show me your face ♪
♪ Show me the shadows ♪
♪ Show me your graves ♪
♪ You take over, you
should stay away from me ♪
♪ You take over, don't you call me ♪
♪ I know you're from hostile ♪
♪ I knew you were there ♪
♪ I looked to the (indistinct) ♪
♪ I found you my dear ♪
♪ You still got my back like
you does, I wasn't afraid ♪
♪ Your hands were so were calming ♪
♪ You told me that I had to wait ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ You took over, you
should stay away from me ♪
♪ You took over, don't get away ♪
♪ You took over, you
should stay away from me ♪
♪ You took over, don't get away ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands ♪
I have nothing, nothing to worry about.
I have nothing at all to worry about,
and, everything's okay,
nothing's going to go wrong.
Nothing can ever go wrong in my life,
because I have money, and I'm beautiful,
and I have a safe place to live,
I don't have to worry.
I don't have to worry about anything,
but I'm taking care of.
I'm a very special person
and I'm taking care of,
I don't have to worry
about being on the street,
or not having anything to eat,
I don't have to worry about anything,
because, because...
My life doesn't mean anything,
I don't have to worry about anything
because my life does not
mean anything at all,
it never did, and it doesn't now,
except now I'm being a
lot more honest about it.
I'm not telling you
this because I want to,
I'm telling you this
because I have to tell you.
I am okay, I am taking care
of, but my life means nothing.
My life means nothing
at all, and I'm okay.
And I don't need anyone,
and I don't need anything,
and I have myself and I am nothing.
I am nothing, I am nothing,
I want to disappear I tell you,
I don't wanna be here, I
don't wanna be looking at you,
I don't wanna be feeling anything.
I want to disappear.
None of this means anything to me.
I don't understand what's happened,
I don't understand what will happen,
I have nothing.
There's only the street underneath,
and the cold and, nothing.
(laughing)
- I wanna feel nothing, but
as soon as you feel nothing,
you feel everything.
You feel more than you
ever did in your life,
and it does not feel good.
You know what I'm talking about?
Do you know how it is to be nothing,
and to feel everything, and to know,
that's all that there's ever
going to be is that nothing?
I am nothing.
(sobbing)
I am nothing.
Oh.
I am nothing.
I've been forgotten without
even having live my life.
I'm nothing, I never was anything,
and I continue to be
nothing, and now I know it.
My whole life has been a
lie up until this moment.
And it's just know that I see that.
Nobody cares about me, no one cares.
(clapping)
Take a bow darling, thank you.
(clapping)
(soft music)
And now, I dream about nothing.
I am nothing, I dream about nothing.
I have no dreams.
(soft music)
(ethereal music)
Underneath it all I'm
really afraid of everything.
Because, you never know
what's going to happen next.
You can have something and then it's gone.
One second you're up there
and everything's going on,
the next second, you're in the
gutter and you have nothing.
People can take things
away from you like that,
people can definitely take anything
they want to away from you,
see if they'll hide what you have.
You can't show it, you have to
put it somewhere, very safe,
safe, and sound and away
from public scrutiny.
I wish I could just go back to
the security of my marriage,
and not have to deal with
all these kind of thing.
(soft music)
I wish I could just go back to
the security of my marriage,
and not have to deal
with anything anymore.
I wish I could go back to
the security of my marriage,
and not have to deal with, life.
(soft music)
(engine roaring)
(car engine roaring)
(laughing)
(car door slamming)
Brrum, brrum, brrruuuum.
What time is it?
(phone ringing)
(bus engine roaring)
(footsteps)
I do, I have a whole
big bag full of money.
I have a hundred thousand dollars,
and I can spend it anyway I want to,
anytime I want to.
I didn't lose it, I know where it is,
and I can get it if I want to.
I'm just hiding it so other
people won't be able to find it.
It's very safe where
it is I'm telling you,
really, really safe, no one's
going to go find it, I'm okay.
Everything's okay.
- [Man] What's the problem?
(engine roaring)
(soft music)
- French fries with ketchup please.
(upbeat music)
(engine roaring)
(background voices)
(background voices)
(engine roaring)
(speaks foreign language)
(background voices)
(footsteps)
(background voices)
(footsteps)
la, la, la, la.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
No autographs please.
Collins where's the car?
I'm not going to even think about
whether I get out the other side
or if I just burst into flames, I mean,
that's going to happen anyway.
I'm taking it, moment to moment,
I'm going to savor it all,
and stop thinking if it is good or bad,
or, like no big punch lines for me.
(ethereal music)
- It's really important to know that,
I didn't leave him, he left me.
I came back and everything
that was important
to him was gone and he had just left,
but he left years before.
He left a very evil twin in his place.
I can't even go on,
I'll love him forever but
that evil twin is not him.
He's dead, he's gone.
It would be easier if he was buried.
He always keeps me waiting.
- So are we gonna fight
about domestic stuff?
You always stay comfortable as I am.
- I know you are, I just
wanna see what you've got,
you always have different
things on underneath.
(laughing)
Oh shit.
What have you got in there?
You're probably gonna have to fucking
run out anyways out here.
- At a certain point, yeah.
- Yeah.
(giggling)
Oh.
(giggling)
(metallic jingling)
(giggling)
So.
- I saw Ben moving some
of these from Jersey.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- He was saying he was free.
- Free 'cause he's in Jersey?
- Yeah, yeah.
Pennyltucky.
- Pennsyltucky, it's pretty
big, that's where I'm from.
- Pennsyltucky?
- Pennsylvania.
- Really?
- Vicky, I'm really scared.
- About the human race?
- No, I'm scared about--
- The planet?
(laughing)
- Well you have to take care
of the dumb twat wife in Copenhagen.
- I don't have to do anything.
- You can go there--
- Shh.
- And I can-
- Shh.
- I can meet you.
(chuckles)
- Like kind of a secret rendezvous?
- Yeah, you can't come to
Berlin when I'm shooting though,
because I gotta concentrate.
- Mm hmm.
- I gotta concentrate.
- What are you gonna focus on?
(Philly moaning)
Hmm
Mine was growing crooked
then we straightened it out.
- You straighten your nose?
- Yeah.
- With what?
- By breaking it.
Sometimes you gotta break
'em to straighten 'em.
- Yeah, I know.
I like your beard.
- Like this country.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
You don't think I ever
listen to you, do you?
- I didn't say that.
- I hate flying.
- You need to lay down.
- Well I'm just feeling squirmy.
(chuckles)
- You getting a little antsy?
- No.
Your feet stink.
Are you gonna come to Europe with me?
You can meet me after
I've finished the movie
maybe we can go to Amsterdam
and get stoned for a week.
- This is too much planning,
it sounds ridiculous
'til we actually get to plan everything.
- If I knew that you were there
when I was finished shooting,
it would be a lot better.
- You like the idea of
company which is great
- Accompany when I'm finished,
I like to have something
to look forward to.
- Yeah, a reward.
- Yeah.
So will you come to, will you meet me?
(chuckles)
- You paying?
No, then then I have
then basically become--
- Maybe.
- It becomes responsibility,
I have to be somewhere.
- You wanna fucking find out,
yeah you wanna hear all
the good stuff, don't you?
All the stories about stuff.
- I don't wanna hear about the past.
- Yeah.
- (indistinct) sometimes it's funny,
that's really (indistinct).
- Sometimes it's just scary.
- The past?
- Yeah.
Every time I left, he got
worse and worse and worse.
It was like, he'd start
fights, he'd throw things,
he threatened me, he threatened
that he wouldn't be there
when I got back.
(upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
I often wondered where
I came from because,
I could never imagine my
parents having sex at all.
They never touched, they
never did anything except,
my father farmed, my
mother cooked and cleaned,
and that was it.
I always played with
my dolls and and dreamt
about a more exotic glamorous life,
didn't quite turn out that way.
It wasn't very exciting being a spinster
working for a grain company.
And when I had a chance to marry I did,
although it was somewhat later in life.
The husband was a husband,
I don't think I really knew who he was.
I knew he traveled and
I knew he made money,
and I know that he worked for a company,
but he was out of town a lot.
He never took me with him.
And, I was somewhat excited
when he asked me to meet him
it seemed like some type of
glamorous Hollywood movie.
He'd ask me to do stupid things before
and I never really questioned it.
But when he said withdraw
a hundred thousand dollars
from our bank account, and put
it in a bag and go to Berlin,
I thought that it was just a
little bit odd even for him.
He told me to go into his desk
and there was the bank account number,
and I had no idea, no idea at
all, that we had that money.
He kept a lot of things from me,
he punched me a couple of times.
I'm beginning to wonder
what he was, I don't know,
I thought of confronting him,
but when I looked in the window
and I saw am sitting there
with that neck of his, with
his face turned away from me,
that seemed to be his favorite position,
with his head turned away,
not paying any attention.
He would just be there, in the darkness,
his hand doing what men's
hands do, just the shadow,
and, his head and the rocking bed,
sometimes I turn my back and cry.
I just thought, "No, I
don't want to do anything,"
it was a split second decision,
and it's a split second decision
that in no way am I sorry I made.
(upbeat music)
It's really weird being alone now
after being with someone for 15 years.
I'm so accustomed to doing
things for someone else
that it's just like, I mean, I don't know
how to take care of myself,
I know how to take care of somebody else.
There's a void and I
don't know how to fill it.
And nothing's enough for
me, I just, I want it all.
And I'm afraid if do I scare them away?
And I'm alone in the darkness
that I'll even consume myself.
They'll smother myself
until there's nothing left,
eat myself, actually consume
as if I was like biting pieces
of flesh or even my own body.
And in the end, there'll
only be a black void
and I won't even be there at the end.
(soft music)
(water pouring)
(soft music)
(moaning)
I'm strong, I'm really, I've learned,
my heart's been ripped out and
you don't grow another heart.
Excuse me, do you speak English?
Do you know how much it is,
I don't know anything about the subway.
Yeah everything I guess here.
Oh 52 so can I--
- Oh yes, yes, yes.
- Okay thank you.
(background voices)
- (indistinct)
Let me have 50.
- You don't have change do you for 100?
- What's your move?
- Oh, 20 say something I don't have.
- You may (indistinct).
- I don't have 50.
- 40?
- Oh excuse me, do you
have change for 100?
- [Man] Only singles I'm sorry.
- Oh.
Excuse me, does anyone
have I guess change?
- [Woman] I have.
- Why did you have to be just now?
I feel so lost, I don't know
what I'm going to do next.
It's all so confusing.
He was there for me as long
as nothing was happening,
but now, I'm in this world
and I don't know what's happening next.
Why did he, he kept me from killing myself
when I first met him,
why isn't he here now
when I really need him?
He sent for rehab, and
the right therapist,
he was there, he love me.
Why isn't he, he started hating me,
when I started doing my own dreams.
That's not fair, that's not
the way it's supposed to be.
When you fall in love with someone
they're supposed to stay
with you and love you.
They're supposed to get excited
when you start doing your own dreams.
This isn't what I wanted he should have
just let me kill myself, I
was on the road to doing that,
I was doing really good, with
the drugs and the alcohol,
and the craziness in my life.
I would've have been dead,
he should've just let me go.
If he didn't love me for the possibility
of what I could become,
I wasn't some fucking
science project you just do
to make yourself feel good,
I'm not something that
you just fucking collect
and put on a shelf and say,
"Look at all I did for her,
she was nothing when I met her.
She's gonna be--"
And he delighted in driving me
out, in front of his friends,
and talking about how he saved my life,
like I was some type of rare object
that had been plucked out of extinction.
That's not right.
That happened with time, at
first, I was this treasure
that was going to be
lost, that he could save.
I never expected to have this,
I was ready to close the
coffin and be dead forever
and continue walking.
And when I started acting
again, it just sort of,
it was a gift that I
never expected, I savored,
I still do, but he just,
he couldn't deal with it,
he just couldn't deal with it all,
just, anything that I
did wasn't good enough,
it was shit, he didn't appreciate,
it was like, "You didn't
do what I was doing,
and you didn't do it when it counted,"
- [Man] All good.
- If, nothing matters these
days, everything shift.
And, I just, it's horrible
to be with somebody and watch them die
right in front of you.
To you just watch them wither
away so that you're left
with the person that you love,
the person that you're living with.
When he packed up and left,
he had left years ago,
I wish he had left years ago,
it would've made my heart happier,
but to be with someone, I still love him,
I look at a picture of him
with long hair and wild eyes,
and, that mischievous
crazy smile on his face
and I break down crying.
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
(automated voice speaks foreign language)
(upbeat music)
(bell rings)
(automated voice speaks foreign language)
(train doors opening)
(train doors closing)
I'll love him forever if he
would come back to the door
and be the person I met 15 years ago,
I would, welcome them with open arms,
I mean, I love that man,
I'll love him forever,
but it doesn't mean that I'm
not gonna go on with my life.
I'm entitled to have just
a little bit of pleasure
before I die, and I intend to get it.
(door opening)
It's easy to forget who you are,
(door bangs)
to become someone else and have absolutely
no responsibility to anyone or anything.
(champagne pops)
(laughing)
I wish I could just make myself disappear,
I can push other people away,
but when I try to push
myself away, I'm still there,
I'm stuck inside my body, and
that's a real, real problem.
No one's here and I'm
always in the corner,
and there's always me to feed,
and, I'm always behind my own eyes
looking out at everybody else,`
and they don't seem very friendly.
They'll never find me here.
(footsteps)
(car engine roaring)
(machine whirring)
Hi are you closed?
- No.
- Yeah I'd love to try
on that shoe over there.
(machine whirring)
(sighs)
(door bangs)
Really?
You think your wife fucked it up for you
does she have a warrant
against you or something?
Oh my God.
Oh fuck.
I just don't--
This is too weird for me,
I just thought they were flunking out.
Oh shit.
I think it would go back to you
if you got her killed darling.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can you get out of the country?
That's probably your best bet.
This is amazing, why
didn't you call me earlier?
Oh, fuck.
Yeah you got the right number here
double check it with...
- (indistinct).
- Oh yeah, yeah I don't know
my number here and here here
talk to him for a second.
This is too fucking--
- Philly he wants to talk to you.
- Yeah.
- He doesn't wanna talk to me.
- Hello, Oh boy, no, I'm just sort of,
you caught me in a very
un-coherent moment,
I've been drinking champagne
and we're shooting a movie,
and I'm supposed to be
talking as my character.
You've only had one beer and one joint
since you've been here?
Well, it's probably better at this point
that you stay focused
with what's happening.
All I've been doing is
like shooting my movie
and when I've called
up, they've just said,
"Oh, we don't know where he
is," and treating me like shit,
so, I mean, I just thought that you were,
if you got an email from me, it was like,
"Go fuck off," because I
didn't know what was happening.
Oh shit, he's not selling
some weed by the kilos,
I don't believe you are not reality.
I have no idea what to tell you to do.
If you do that, then
you will end up in jail
for those two.
But you don't look like
everybody else there baby,
you don't.
I think your best thing is
to get back to New York.
I have no idea what to say to you
this is all also crazy.
(electronic music)
I gave up, I gave up
smoking, I gave up drugs,
I gave up eating, I gave up everything
'cause I wanted to be
healthy, and beautiful,
and skinny and alive and all that stuff.
I just wanna have a good time
I don't give a damn any of it.
I want drugs, I want sex, I
wanna eat anything I want to,
and I wanna consume the world
and that's who I am now,
I just wanna enjoy everything,
and let everyone just be aware
'cause I'm out to rip the world apart.
(upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
(car engine roaring)
I can never get away fast enough,
I wonder what happened to him.
Was he just trying to get money from me?
I just don't care anymore.
Maybe he didn't change, maybe I did,
maybe I maybe that's what happened.
I changed and he left me because
I wasn't the same person,
the person he loves is dead,
and I'm left in that place.
So maybe he just left me
'cause I didn't keep my
promise to him, who knows?
I'm just going to have to
learn to be like everyone else,
just keep on walking, sleepwalking,
walking through the fire,
if people remember me, they remember me,
if they don't, it's all
the same in the end.
(background noises)
How do you go about
finding love somewhere?
I loved someone then they're gone.
(siren wailing)
I always believed that it
was just one person for me
but maybe there's one essence,
and it travels from one
person to the other,
maybe what I'm looking for is something
that's now inhabiting someone else.
So I have to find that somewhere,
I don't know where to start,
I knew what it felt like it,
I remember what it felt like,
and I have to have it again,
I mean what use is life,
is life worth living if you
can't find someone who you love?
And people say that
there's only one person
and one love, I think
there's only one essence
but maybe it migrates to someplace else.
And you spend your whole life chasing
that fleeting thing that jumps
from one person to another.
(background voices)
(automated voice speaks foreign language)
I just want to erase everything.
I want glimpses of everything.
I wanna have sex with strangers,
I wanna have sex all men
without saying anything,
I want to without talking
experience everything
I can experience in all at once,
You don't want them know your names.
I want life to be everything
that it was before.
And have a good time, I mean
what else is there in life?
There's making movies, and then
there's the rest of the life
that you just like fill in the blanks
with like sex and drugs
and traveling and whatever,
whatever turns you on,
whatever turns on me on.
I mean, I don't know what to
do with my rest of my life
I mean, in between the
projects I'm nothing.
(ethereal music)
♪ Time to get up ♪
♪ And take a bow ♪
♪ Kind of wake up ♪
♪ But you don't know how ♪
♪ Stop the dreaming ♪
♪ 'Cause the time was now,
now, now, now, now, now, ♪
♪ Now, now, now, now, now, now ♪
♪ With heavy eyes, it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the weight off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ To bid her back, cause
I'm feeling scarce ♪
♪ My empty words ♪
♪ Like in Hollywood ♪
♪ Never feel like you thinking ♪
♪ It should, should, should,
should, should, should, should ♪
♪ Should, should, should,
should, should, should ♪
♪ With heavy eyes it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the weight off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
♪ With heavy eyes it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the wait off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
♪ With heavy eyes it's hard to see ♪
♪ Black Monday morning gravity ♪
♪ Keep the weight off, or
let it fall, giving it up ♪
♪ You can have it all ♪
(upbeat music)
(siren wailing)
(bell ringing)
(motor cycle engine roaring)
You wait and you wait and you wait,
and it's hard to maintain
that wonderful spot,
you go back to being yourself,
how do you like sit there
in your own stupid skin,
in between cakes and wait.
I just wanna go there and
I wanna stay there forever.
It's the same thing like what
do you do when it's over?
When they pack up those
stupid machines that they use,
and go away and you're stuck at the end,
the movie's over the,
the character is evaporated
and you're left with that void,
I mean, what do you do, how do you live?
I always find myself
when a project is over,
not knowing who I am, mourning
the creature that was,
and like not really wanting to go on
it's like, I've done
everything I could possibly do,
it's all over, and there's
nothing more to do.
It hits me every time, and it hits me
in between the shots.
It's very, very easy
to push everybody away.
So easy to do that, you just
put your hand up and say,
"Go away, go away, I don't
wanna see you anymore."
People understand that
and they just go away.
I know how to be nothing,
I was nothing all my life.
When I'm waiting that void comes back.
I hate waiting, why can't
they just keep the cameras on
all the time and never stop?
That's what I really want.
I want that all to enstate all the time.
I don't wanna be aborted
out of that reality,
and it happens, in between every shot,
and in between every project,
I mean, I know, I know how to live
when the camera's turned on,
but I've never quite perfected
the art of living in between.
Do you want me to go?
I wanna be nothing, 'cause
nothing doesn't feel.
(footsteps)
I dreamed about all those
men I've had sex with,
and hope that they remember me somehow.
(ethereal music)
(upbeat music)
♪ Show me your hands ♪
♪ Now show me your face ♪
♪ Show me the shadows ♪
♪ Show me your graves ♪
♪ You take over, you
should stay away from me ♪
♪ You take over, don't you call me ♪
♪ I know you're from hostile ♪
♪ I knew you were there ♪
♪ I looked to the (indistinct) ♪
♪ I found you my dear ♪
♪ You still got my back like
you does, I wasn't afraid ♪
♪ Your hands were so were calming ♪
♪ You told me that I had to wait ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ Beautiful boy ♪
♪ You took over, you
should stay away from me ♪
♪ You took over, don't get away ♪
♪ You took over, you
should stay away from me ♪
♪ You took over, don't get away ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands boy ♪
♪ Show me your hands boy, your hands ♪
I have nothing, nothing to worry about.
I have nothing at all to worry about,
and, everything's okay,
nothing's going to go wrong.
Nothing can ever go wrong in my life,
because I have money, and I'm beautiful,
and I have a safe place to live,
I don't have to worry.
I don't have to worry about anything,
but I'm taking care of.
I'm a very special person
and I'm taking care of,
I don't have to worry
about being on the street,
or not having anything to eat,
I don't have to worry about anything,
because, because...
My life doesn't mean anything,
I don't have to worry about anything
because my life does not
mean anything at all,
it never did, and it doesn't now,
except now I'm being a
lot more honest about it.
I'm not telling you
this because I want to,
I'm telling you this
because I have to tell you.
I am okay, I am taking care
of, but my life means nothing.
My life means nothing
at all, and I'm okay.
And I don't need anyone,
and I don't need anything,
and I have myself and I am nothing.
I am nothing, I am nothing,
I want to disappear I tell you,
I don't wanna be here, I
don't wanna be looking at you,
I don't wanna be feeling anything.
I want to disappear.
None of this means anything to me.
I don't understand what's happened,
I don't understand what will happen,
I have nothing.
There's only the street underneath,
and the cold and, nothing.
(laughing)
- I wanna feel nothing, but
as soon as you feel nothing,
you feel everything.
You feel more than you
ever did in your life,
and it does not feel good.
You know what I'm talking about?
Do you know how it is to be nothing,
and to feel everything, and to know,
that's all that there's ever
going to be is that nothing?
I am nothing.
(sobbing)
I am nothing.
Oh.
I am nothing.
I've been forgotten without
even having live my life.
I'm nothing, I never was anything,
and I continue to be
nothing, and now I know it.
My whole life has been a
lie up until this moment.
And it's just know that I see that.
Nobody cares about me, no one cares.
(clapping)
Take a bow darling, thank you.
(clapping)
(soft music)
And now, I dream about nothing.
I am nothing, I dream about nothing.
I have no dreams.
(soft music)
(ethereal music)
Underneath it all I'm
really afraid of everything.
Because, you never know
what's going to happen next.
You can have something and then it's gone.
One second you're up there
and everything's going on,
the next second, you're in the
gutter and you have nothing.
People can take things
away from you like that,
people can definitely take anything
they want to away from you,
see if they'll hide what you have.
You can't show it, you have to
put it somewhere, very safe,
safe, and sound and away
from public scrutiny.
I wish I could just go back to
the security of my marriage,
and not have to deal with
all these kind of thing.
(soft music)
I wish I could just go back to
the security of my marriage,
and not have to deal
with anything anymore.
I wish I could go back to
the security of my marriage,
and not have to deal with, life.
(soft music)
(engine roaring)
(car engine roaring)
(laughing)
(car door slamming)
Brrum, brrum, brrruuuum.
What time is it?
(phone ringing)
(bus engine roaring)
(footsteps)
I do, I have a whole
big bag full of money.
I have a hundred thousand dollars,
and I can spend it anyway I want to,
anytime I want to.
I didn't lose it, I know where it is,
and I can get it if I want to.
I'm just hiding it so other
people won't be able to find it.
It's very safe where
it is I'm telling you,
really, really safe, no one's
going to go find it, I'm okay.
Everything's okay.
- [Man] What's the problem?
(engine roaring)
(soft music)
- French fries with ketchup please.
(upbeat music)
(engine roaring)
(background voices)
(background voices)
(engine roaring)
(speaks foreign language)
(background voices)
(footsteps)
(background voices)
(footsteps)
la, la, la, la.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
No autographs please.
Collins where's the car?
I'm not going to even think about
whether I get out the other side
or if I just burst into flames, I mean,
that's going to happen anyway.
I'm taking it, moment to moment,
I'm going to savor it all,
and stop thinking if it is good or bad,
or, like no big punch lines for me.
(ethereal music)