T.R. Baskin (1971) - full transcript

An enthusiastic young woman runs away to Chicago to start a new life. She is soon confronted with the emotional coldness of the big city, and has to search for her place in the scheme of things.


Hey, Larry!
Larry Moore, hey!

Hey! Oh! Larry!



I can't believe it,
Larry Moore.

That's right.

I'm Jack.
Jack Mitchell.

Hey, Jack, how are you?
It's nice to see you.

You don't know
who I am.

Well, of course I do.
You're Jack Mitchell.

It's 'cause I'm bald.
I'm Jack Mitchell.

That's right.

We're fraternity

Jack Mitchell?


Hey! You look great,
you look really great.

Thank you.
You look fine too.

Hey, come on,
let me buy you a drink.

Well, look,
I've got to, uh...
I'm actually late.

Oh, no. Come on,
I'm gonna buy you a drink,
buddy. That's it.

You know,
I live in Utica.

No, I...
I didn't know that.
Do you like it there?

Oh, it's great,
it's really great,

but, uh,
it's not like here.


You know,
I married Ella.

Well, you
remember Ella.

Sure. How...
How is she?

You don't
remember Ella.

Of course
I remember Ella.


Ella, she's just fine.

Oh, that's great.

Do you... Do you see
any of the old guys?

Not, uh,
not very much.

I ran into Jay Reinfeld
the other day.

Oh. Hey, how is Jay?

Just great.

Listen, Larry, uh,
I was wondering, uh...

Well, I'm only gonna be
in town a little while.

I was wondering
if you know any, uh...

You know, girls.


T.R.: Hello?

MITCHELL: Uh, hello,
is this T.R.?


Uh, my name
is Jack Mitchell.

Uh, I've just
arrived in town.

I'm only gonna be here
for a day or two.

Uh, Larry gave
me your name.

Hello, T.R.?



Uh, well...
I was wondering if, uh,

if you could come
and see me.

I mean, if we could
get together.

Uh, how about it?
Come on.

Hello? T.R.?

All right.

Uh, that's terrific.

That's really terrific. Uh...

Are you,
are you free right now?


Ah, well I'm at
the Sherman House.

Room 1453.

Oh, do you know
where that is?

It's on the 14th floor.


Yeah, I know where it is.


Terrific, I'll...
I'll see you in a few
minutes then.

T.R.: Right. Are you alone?

MITCHELL: Oh, yes.

How will I recognize you?


Never mind.
I'll see you in
a few minutes.


Tough luck,
you missed me.
Wanna start over?

We can try again.



Uh, hello there.


Uh, come in.

Come in.


Let me take your coat.



Please sit down.

Would you like a drink?

No, thank you.

Are you sure?


No, thank you.

Are you from Chicago?

No, I'm from Ohio.

Ohio. I go to Ohio
every once in awhile.

I go to Cleveland.

Are you
from Cleveland?
No, I'm from Findlay.


Ever hear of it?

Sure I have.

I just don't think
I've ever been there.

What brought you
from Findlay, Ohio,
to Chicago?

An airplane.

T.R.: The Y, please...

CAB DRIVER: ...you know,
it's always good.

I tell you that
Larrabee Street exit

sometimes ain't so good,
so maybe the best thing to do

is to stay on
until Clark Street.

Hey, your first time
in Chicago, huh? Yeah?

...isn't so good either.
Maybe Wabash is better.

Watch it there!
Move over!

Hey, you know, Wabash
ain't so hot either.

Maybe... Uh, maybe
we oughta take, uh...

It's only the couple of hours

that Kedzie gets all
screwed up, you know?


...they shouldn't allow
trucks in the daytime anyhow.

Ah, they can make
their deliveries at night.

Yeah. Wouldn't screw
things up that way.

Hey, watch it!

I hate them creeps
in them little cars.

Like bugs they are, bugs!


MAN: Taxi, taxi! Hey, taxi!


CAB DRIVER: People talk
about pollution, you know.

You know how to get rid of
pollution in the streets, huh?

Get rid of them
little cars and trucks.



All them little
cars and trucks.

Pollution, everywhere
is pollution, you know
what I mean?


Well, I hope
you like Chicago.

Hey, that's 50 cents
for the bags.

WOMAN: Is there any
mail for room 208?

Hello, Operator?

I'd like to send
a telegram, please.

To Findlay, Ohio?

Um, Mr. and Mrs.
Harold Baskin.


1225 Gehrig Avenue.

G-E-H-R-I-G, Findlay.

Uh, dear Mom and Dad,

have gone to Chicago
to seek fame and fortune.

Arrived safe and unarmed.

Don't be mad.

Um, would you change that?

Uh, don't wait up.

Love, T.R.

No, "T" as in tree, "R".


That's all there is.

Um, room 1553.

Yeah. Thank you.





Is this "charming
studio apartment

"in ideal location,
reasonable, inquire"?

Yeah. Come in,
come in.

You have your own bathroom.
Heat and water are included.

A nice place.
Nothin' fancy, but
it's a nice place.

And it's only 110 a month.


A hundred and ten a month,
heat and water included.

What's the matter?

Um, it's not exactly
what I expected.

Well, what did you expect?

I don't know.

But not the waiting room
of a Greyhound bus station.

Oh, you're a riot, kid.
You're from
out of town, right?

Well, this is Chicago.
Now, you don't know
about Chicago.

A hundred and ten a month
in Chicago will get you
this, if you're lucky,

and nothin' more.
This ain't so bad,
you know.

You don't believe me, right?

Well, go look for yourself,
you'll find out.

What's the matter?

You're worried about the
neighborhood, huh?

Right? You're worried about

walkin' about
this neighborhood
at night, right?

Listen, kid, I wouldn't
walk anywhere in
this city at night.

Hey, if you want anything
better, you gotta pay
two, three hundred.

You don't believe me?
Go look for yourself.
You'll see.

DOORMAN: Can I help you?

No, thank you, I'm fine.

Who do you wish to see?

Kathy Simon?
Just a moment.

Miss Simon?
There's a young lady
here to see you.

Uh, what is
your name, Miss?

T.R. Baskin.

Named Baskin.

All right.
You can go up.

Apartment 15C.
Thank you.

Are you D.R.?
T.R., yeah.


I'm Kathy.


This is a really
nice hallway.

Oh, I'm so stupid!
Let's go inside.

I'm sorry, I'm just
so excited, I mean,

I just can't believe it.

My roommate just ran off
and got married, I mean,

just like that, not one
word or anything

and there I was stuck
for another roommate.

I was so depressed,
I mean not one word
or anything,

and there I was,
and then there was
your ad in the paper,

I almost went crazy.
It was like ESP,

you know what I mean?

Sit down. Tell me
about yourself.

Uh, well, there's not
really very much to tell.

I mean, I'm not very
different from
anybody else.

Oh, not much you aren't!

Are you married
or engaged or
anything like that?

No, not anything
like that.

Me neither. It's too
early for me, if you
know what I mean.

I mean, I want to have
my fun now and get it
all out of my system.

I mean, some girls
just rush right in and
get married and then

later on they feel like
they've missed something.

I don't want to feel like
I've missed something,
you know what I mean?

Now, how much
can you afford?

Uh, about 125,
maybe 150 if I eat
erasers for lunch.

I can't believe it!
I just can't believe it,
that's perfect.

The apartment costs 300,
so your 150 and my 150,
that's 300.

Yes, it is.

Could I see
the rest of it?

Oh, I'm so stupid,
of course.

Well now,
this is the living room.

It's very nice.

We'll add furniture
later, of course,

but I'd rather live here
than on one of those

dingy streets with all
the furniture in the world,
if you know what I mean.

Tiara, that's quite a
name for a building.

It means "crown".

And this is
your bedroom.

I think two bedrooms
is mandatory, if you
know what I mean.

Listen, what you do
is your own business,
if you know what I mean.

Well, now for the bathroom.

We also have a nice
small kitchen.

By the way, do you cook?

A little.

Well, what do
you think?

I think you send out
for food a lot.

Oh, that's wonderful!
I just can't believe it,

this is gonna
work out so perfectly,
I just know it will.

You don't walk around
naked all the time,
do you?

Some girls like to
walk around naked.

My roommate in school
used to do that.

She used to just stand
in front of the mirror,

in the raw, mind you.
Just stand there
and stare at herself.

It used to make me
so nervous, if you
know what I mean.

You don't do that,
do you?

Listen about schedules,

I'm usually gone
two or three days

and then I'm home
two or three days

and I just love my sleep,
if you know what I mean.

I hope you don't squeeze
the toothpaste

in the middle of the tube
or anything like that,

I just couldn't stand that.
By the way do you smoke?

I smoke, but only
occasionally and
then only in private

if you know what I mean.

Listen, I think privacy
is the basis of all
good relationships,

don't you agree?
It's very important.


Yeah, Larry told me
a lot about you.

He certainly did.

What did he say?

He said when I get
to Chicago I should be
sure to look you up.

That's a lot to say.

Well, how about a drink?
Are you sure you don't
want a drink?

No, thank you.

Did Larry ever tell you
that after my parents died

I spent two years in
Vietnam as a nurse in a
Marine field hospital?

No! Gee, that's rough.

What was it like
over there?

How the hell
should I know?
I was never there.

I just wondered if Larry
ever told you I was
in Vietnam.

Well, why would
he tell you... I...

You were in Vietnam
if you weren't there?

Well, that's dumb.
Why would I ask you

if Larry ever told you
I was in Vietnam
if I was never there?

Well, I don't know.

Neither do I.

How far do you
live from here?

About a thousand
a month.

Are you married?
T.R.: No.

Have you ever
been married?

A complete set.

Are they alive?
They certainly are.

Have you ever had
malaria, tuberculosis,

rheumatic fever, heart
disease, kidney disease
or any mental illness?

No, no, no, no, no.


Have you ever been
convicted of a felony?

Twelve arrests,
no convictions.

Here, take these
to Accounting.

You get Christmas
and Easter and all
legal holidays.

On behalf of the management,
I would like to take
this opportunity

to welcome you
to the I.L.T. family.

I'm sorry, I had to
step out for a moment.
Can I help you?

Is this Accounting?

What's your name?
T.R. Baskin.

How do you spell that?
Capital "T", capital "R".

No, Paskin.

"P" as in Peter?
No, "B" as in bedlam.

You're in the wrong
department, this is
"N" through "Z".

This is "N" through "Z".

We handle all employees
with names that begin

with the letters
"N" through "Z".

You're a "B", you belong
in "A" through "M".

T.R.: Oh. Well, where is that?

Two corridors down.
It's the last door
on your left.

Thank you very much.

Is this "A" through "M"?
Yes. What's your
name, please?

Baskin, with a "B"
like in baloney.
I belong here.

Take those and give them
to the girl there.

Okay, thanks.

Hi, sit down.

Can I have those please?

T.R. Baskin...

Is that your whole
name, T.R.? Or is that
short for anything?

Uh-uh, that's it.

My name's Dayle Wigoda.

Did you just come
from the bitch?


(IMITATING) Do you have
a history of mental illness?

I think she has it,
that's why she's so
hung up on it.

You get paid
every other Friday.

I know it stinks,
but that's how they
do it here.

And you can cash
personal checks
at the Cashier's,

but it can't
total more than
$25 a week.

Here's your ID card.
Just sign it here.

If you want to come into
the building at night
or on the weekend,

you have to show it
to the security guard.

You also have
to be crazy.

Here's your
employee book.

It tells you all sorts
of goodies, like
you can't wear slacks

and how to get
to the coffee shop.

Here's your health plan
information booklet,

and another one on
your stock purchase plan.

Both of them are rotten.

Are you from Chicago?
No, I'm from Ohio.

Did you just get here?

Do you have a place?
Mmm, I just found one.

Oh. Well, if there's
anything I can do,

just call me
or something.

Ask for Accounting
and when you
get Accounting,

ask for the "B's".
The "B's"?

Mmm. I'm the "B's".

I work on just the "B's".

That's why you're here.

You'd be surprised
how many "B's"
work in this place.

Do you like it?

Well, most of the guys
in Accounting are
pretty nerdy,

but it happens to be
an absolutely super place
to find out things.

Now I know how much
everybody makes

and I know who's
getting fired even
before they know.

Listen, I don't mean
to pry or anything,

but since you're new here,
you probably don't know
a lot of people.

Well, I'd be more
than happy to fix you up,
I really would.

Okay, well, thanks a lot.

Hey, don't forget.
The "B's".

We expect you to
think of your desk

as your "home during
the day," so to speak.

Just as you wouldn't
keep a dirty home,

we don't think you
should keep a messy desk.

Now, you are allowed
two coffee breaks.

One in the morning and one
during the afternoon.

They may not exceed
10 minutes.

You also have
one hour for lunch.

Look up and down
your row, Miss Baskin.

That is your row.

You may determine
your own lunch
and coffee breaks,

so long as there
is always somebody
in your row at all times.

You may work that out
with the rest of your row.

Are there any


On behalf of the management,
I would like to take
this opportunity

to welcome you
to the I.L.T. family.





Kindly push the button
for the desired floor.

Step to the rear
of the elevator
and face the front.


Level one. Cashier
and Employees' Lounge.
Thank you.

Don't mention it.


Hey, T.R.!
Over here!

Come on over.

Hey, how are you?

Come on.

This is T.R. Baskin.
This is Marsha Kaufman
and Linda Medcalf.

Hi, D.R.

No, T.R.
T.R. works on
the 23rd floor,

Branch Relations.

That's Roger Fry's floor.

The whole floor?

Roger Fry is
in your department.
He thinks he's gorgeous.

Is he?

He would be
if he weren't married.

He also thinks he can
make it with any girl
in the building.

Can he?

I don't know.
So far he's
worked his way up

to the 42nd floor
and he's only
67% effective.

Do all you guys
work together?

Mmm, Marsha's "G's"
and Linda's "H's".

And you get
to eat together?


Ohh! Here comes
Alice Hinds.

She works in Sales.

She thinks she's
nothing less than terrific

just because
she has big boobs.


I'd trust her about
as far as I could
throw the building.

Hi, Alice!

This is T.R. Baskin.
She just started.

Oh, what kind of
name is that?



T.R. works in
Branch Relations.

Oh. How do you like
our little place?

It's not bad.
What do you do here?

Oh, the same thing
we all do here. Hunt.

She's on Roger Fry's floor.

Oh, that's right.
Branch Relations.

Well, that's going
to be interesting.

He's married,
you know.

Yeah, I've been told.

Oh, he's gonna
like you.

Mmm, 'cause
you're his type.

Well, what's his type?

Any female over 12
and under 70 who
doesn't have a harelip.

The age requirements
may be lifted in
special circumstances.

Oh, no, there's
Eilene Flanders, I hope
she doesn't see us.

DAYLE: She probably will.
She just got new
contact lenses.

Oh, Christ, here she comes.
What's the matter
with her?

Oh, nothing,
if you don't mind sluts.

Hi, Eilene.

Oh, this is T.R. Baskin,
she's new.

Oh. Hi, P.R.

T.R. Hi.

Listen, I was just going
anyway, so it was very
nice meeting all of you.

ALL: Bye.


How do you like it here?

I'm not wild about
the drapes.

No, no,
I mean Chicago.

So do I.

You're makin' fun of me.

No, I'm not.

Look, uh,
I know I'm not
so smart but...

Even I know
when someone's
makin' fun of me.

I'm not making fun of you.

What do you want to
come here and
make fun of me for?

Look, Larry told me you were
a great-looking girl,

and you certainly are.

Larry never said you
were gonna give me
such a hard time.

You're absolutely right,
Jack Mitchell.

I have no right to
give you a hard time,

especially if Larry
never told you I would.

No siree, no hard time,
not from this cookie.


Oh, uh...

Yeah, yeah, uh...






What's the matter,
Mister Mitchell?

I can't.

Why not?

I don't know.


What's so funny?


I'm not laughing at you.


Would...would you
like to talk?


Boy, now I know where my
grandmother used to
get her perfume.


I smell like
a fruit stand.

Well, you're excused, lady.

I'm sorry.

C'est magnifique, no?

Do you like it?
I'm not wild about it.

I think it's super.

Buy it.

Well, I don't know.

Is it always like this?

Normally it's crowded.

You sure you don't want
a date for Friday?
No, thank you.

What are you gonna do,
stay home?

I got things to do.

Like what?
I like to read.

You can read Monday
through Thursday.

Come on, T.R.,
I'm not askin' you
to marry the guy,

just have a date
with him.

I'll be there with you,
carrying a can of
mace to protect you,

from attack if that's
what you're worried about.

I don't see why
you don't do it.

You know, he isn't
exactly hunchback.

He doesn't
rape old ladies.

I used to know this guy
who raped old ladies,

he was a very close
friend of my uncle's.

it looks just lovely.

It's a little full
in the shoulder, but...

It's 34 sizes too large.
Do you have it in a 10?

No, I'm sorry, honey.
It's the only one like it
in the whole store.

It's a very popular number.

Wait a minute, come on
over here with me.

I do have something else
that's just right for you.

Everybody's been wearing it,

and I know I have it in a
size 10 'cause I put one

away for a customer
this morning.

Isn't that perfect?

Yeah, that's very nice.
How much is it?


It's not exactly
what I'm looking
for, you know?

Look, I met Gary
a couple weekends
ago skiing.

He's really nice,
and he was there
with his friend.

Do you
understand, T.R.?

I saw him.
I actually saw him.

He walks, he talks,
he's absolutely super.

Actually, I'm doing
you a favor.

Thanks a lot.

Hey, look, I wanna get
a stuffed animal for my
kid brother, okay?

Hey there, giraffe.

I don't understand you.

What do you mean?

Look, do you want
to stay home alone?
Is that what you want?

It's just that
I don't really like
blind dates, you know?

And I'm fine,
I'm really fine.

Mmm. Oh, boy,
this is silly.
We only have an hour.

Besides, I don't
even have a brother.

Look, all we're gonna do is go
to dinner and then have a few
drinks or something,

whatever you want.
He happens to be loaded.

Maybe we can get
them to take us some
place expensive.

What have you got to lose?

Why is it so
important to you
that I have a date?

I mean, how come you're
crusading for this great
eligible catch?

I promised Gary
I'd get him someone
nice for his friend.

Well, I'm really
flattered but what
about your friends?

Those two girls
you're always with?

You mean
Linda and Marsha?

Yeah, what about them?
Oh, they're trolls.

Look, T.R.,
please as a favor,
say yes.

What's his name?

Arthur! Oh, wow!

Oh, T.R.!


Super. I appreciate it.
I really do.

I don't agree with you.
I think it's super.

Hey, where the hell did
you get that scarf?

I didn't see you
pay for that.

Oh, you are sweet.

Hey, Jake Mitchell?

What's Elmira like?

I don't know.

Aren't you
from Elmira?

No, Utica.

I'm from Utica.

What's it like?

You don't give
a damn about Utica.

Yes, I do.


I don't know.

You don't give a damn.

Boy. Larry never said you
were gonna give me such
a hard time.



What do you want to
know about Utica?

What's it like?

Well, it's small,
you know?

Maybe it's a little ugly.

But it's nice.

I can't tell you why,
but it's nice.

Don't you get
bored there?

I don't know.

When you live in Utica
you always hear about
New York and Chicago.

You know, making it
in New York and Chicago
is making it.

But I'll tell
you something.

Utica doesn't
frighten people.

Do you understand
what I mean?

I mean you can see
all the things here, but,

you never feel relaxed.

You never feel
you can act natural.

You never know whether
the people on the street
like you or hate you.

It's strange, isn't it?

I always can't wait
to come here,

and after I'm here
a few days,
I wind up missing Utica.

Listen, it's weird, you know.
You miss things that you never
expect to miss.

For instance, you know
what I miss? Flies.

You know a nice place
should have a fly or two,

not all over, just this
resident couple playing
in the lobby,

just to remind everybody
that they're organic.

A fly came into the place
where I work last Thursday.

And nobody knew what it was,
they hadn't seen one
for so long.

It didn't have an employee
number so they killed it.


ARTHUR: That works out

That's four halves,
that's two whole pies.

T.R. and I will share
one pie, half sausage,
half green pepper.

And you two will
have the half mushroom,
half anchovy.

How much should we order?

Well, how big is large?

I don't know.
Well how hungry
is everybody?

You hungry, T.R.?
Yeah. I think everybody's

Well all right,
then I think we should
order the two large.

Well how do we know we
can finish two large ones?

It's better to have some
left over than not enough.

DAYLE: Why don't we order
one large and one medium?

Well see, if we do that,
then two will get less of
their choice

than the other two, I mean
'cause we're ordering
different halves.

I think we should
definitely order
the two large.

GARY: Right. Okay, fine.
Right? Good.

Uh, Ms.? Fine.
I'll be right there.

Ah, would you mind if
I changed my order.

Instead of anchovies,
I'd like to switch
to green peppers.

All right, all right,
uh, let me see.

Okay. Well, that
means that Dayle and
I will share a pie,

instead of T.R.

And Gary will now
share with T.R.

Now Dayle and I will
have green pepper and
T.R. and Gary will have

the mushroom and sausage.

And I assume we all want
beer, right? (LAUGHS)
GARY: Hear, hear!

Uh, we would like
two large pies.
One all green peppers,

one mushroom
and sausage.

And we want
four steins of beer.

DAYLE: I was just telling
T.R. how you spend
$8 for a haircut.

Oh, They do more than
just cut your hair.

It's very nice.

Thank you.

I like your tie.

Oh, really?



ARTHUR: Is that a Polo?

ARTHUR: I've been looking
all over for one of those.
Where did you get it?

GARY: Frank Brothers.

Yeah. Frank Brothers
has nice stuff.

I'm going skiing again
this weekend.

Ahh, I have to work.

You have to work
on a weekend?

What do you do?
I'm a builder.

Do you build anything
in particular?

Mmm, small developments,
you know, apartments and
shopping centers.

That's nice.

How did you
become a builder?

It was easy.
My father owns
the business.


Hey, my goddamn car
is finally fixed.

Oh yeah, how much
did that come to?

I don't know, the
insurance company took
care of the whole thing.

I have a sports car,
an XKE,

and five weeks ago
it was stolen.

Three days later,
the cops found it
wrapped around a tree.

The radio was gone,
it was an AM-FM.

And the stereo.
I had a four-track
stereo tape in there.

At least whoever stole it
probably likes music.

It was my fault.
Should have known better.

I never should have
parked it there.

Where do you think?

I don't know. Where?

We're building an
urban renewal project
on the West Side.

And I always take
the company car, always.

But this one time
was a Friday and I
was going out of town.

So I thought,
well, why change cars?

Probably some junkie.

Oh, don't tell me
it was some junkie.

The company car
has a radio in it
and a telephone,

but it's never been stolen.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no.

No, an Oldsmobile
isn't good enough
for one of them.

Well, when you get money
for not working,

then you begin to
think that anything
you want is yours.

T.R. is an absolutely
super reader.

Hmm, really?
What do you like best?

Mostly Lebanese


Would you excuse me
for a second?

I'll come with you.

I really like that tie.

And I caught that
remark about
Lebanese books.

What are you giving him
a hard time for?

You know, he happens
to be absolutely loaded.

And you happen to be
acting like a blob.

I don't understand it.

What's the matter
with you?

I'm talking to you.

What do you have
against him?

Well, well, did you enjoy
yourselves? (LAUGHING)


Would, uh, anybody
like to smoke?

Yeah, let me see.

Oh, yeah.

That is good stuff.

Oh, my. How do
you like it here?

It's a nice place.

No, I mean Chicago.

Oh, Chicago's
a nice place.

What do you do
at I.L.T.?

She's in Branch Relations.
I handle her personnel file.

I'm a B.

Do you like
working there?

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

I'm not gonna die
of over-stimulation.

(LAUGHS) You know you,
you sound like one of those
Women's Liberation people.


I don't know.
Would you like to be
president of the company?

Yeah, that might be fun.

No, a woman should
get stimulation, uh...

Should get stimulation
out of a home and children.

I'm working on an electric
breast. Anyone can wear it,
then you can stay home.


Oh, no, I wouldn't want
to work for a woman.

You don't have to,
your father
owns the company,

not your mother.

GARY: Uh, when is
that development
gonna be completed?

Ah, we promised April.
I think we can have it
finished by then.

DAYLE: What's it
gonna look like?

Well, you know what those
projects look like.

They all start out clean.

And then all the people who
complain about living in

buildings move in.

In two weeks it's dirty.

And then in two months,
it looks like the buildings
that we just tore down.

Honest to God,
you know what they...

They throw their garbage
out of the windows.

I swear, I could
show you the places.

You know, I don't think these
people ever learned how to
keep their homes clean.

Why don't we go
somewhere where
there's some good music?

Hey, that's a good idea.

How about McGuire's?

Oh, I'm not...
I'm not really crazy
about McGuire's.

Oh, I'll go if everyone
else wants go.

What do you think, T.R.?

I think you're a schmuck.

Where do you work?


What do they make
at I.L.T.?

I don't know. You have
to be there three years
before they tell you.

Hmm. I'm with

What do you do?
I'm in the
Catalogue Division.

You sell catalogues?

No, no, Con-Amalgamate
sells all its products
through a catalogue.


In other words, you can
buy the product in this
Con-Amalgamate store

or you can order it
through the catalogue.

That's why I'm here in
Chicago. You see Chicago
is the headquarters.

I'm in the Automotive
Parts section.

The Automotive Parts section
of the Catalogue Division?

Utica Branch.

I know a girl who spends
her whole day working on B's.

Eight hours a day,
working on one letter
of the alphabet.

She really knows
that letter.

Do you know that there's
nothing for your car that
we can't sell you?

Nothing? As a matter of
fact that's why I'm here.

You see,
we're introducing
a new tire.

It's a steel-belted tire.

You can't have a blowout.

That's nice.

I see you're fascinated.

No listen, I mean it,
that's nice.

I mean if you need
a new tire you can just
pick up your catalogue,

and zocko!
You have your new tire.

You have a problem
and you solve it, period.

When I die, I want to die
from something that you
can spot right away.

You know, like a fantastic
heart attack or drowning.

Anything but going to a
hospital and having some
creep telling you

you have to take more tests.

Hmm. Well, I don't
care how I die,
I just don't wanna die.

I wanna die young and
neat. I don't want to
die old and sloppy.

Wait 'till you're older
and see what you say.

Like the Eskimos, you
know. When you're an old
Eskimo and you can't cut it,

they just take you
out in the snow
and leave you there.

It sounds cruel,
but it has it's dignity.

Nobody ever asked
an old Eskimo what they
thought of all of that.

Lobby and public telephones.




...sit around and wait
for him to have a nap.

MAN 2: You don't have to wait.
We're gettin' outta here.

MAN 1: Try it, you can't.


* If you wanna see your baby
every night

* You gotta hang around
and smile

* 'Cause if you hang around
with a sour puss

* You just know that's
not her style, uh, uh, uh *


MAN: We must sell,
sell, sell regardless.

MAN 2: My friends, grab this
'69 Ford Galaxy 500 V8
two-door hardtop, fast.

Fully equipped '71 trade-in,
fully powered, vinyl roof.

The full delivered price...

MAN 3: ...he was standing
on one leg, and uh...

Yeah, right!


...the Ambassador was
only slightly injured.

Most of the damage
was to one room.

But this second attack
was further proof that the
Viet Cong and North Vietnamese

could strike at will...
MAN: Boy, it sure is.

BOY: That's an octopus.
See why?
MAN: Yeah!

WOMAN: Yeah, It certainly
looks like an octopus.

BOY: Very dangerous.
The teacher talked
about it in class.

BOY: Tells all about it,
in the home safety stuff.


NEWS READER: Deputies moved
into the university area

where the disturbance began
to get out of hand last night.

Tear gas was lobbed into
the melee in an attempt
to disperse the crowd.

The young men then
responded with bricks,
bottles and stones.

For the University of Arizona
it was the third straight
night of violence

on and near the campus.
Violence growing out of the
so-called Street People's

demands that part of the
university area...

Listen, sailor, if you're
floating around in anything,
it's a $6 million...

...he was also
a good friend of mine.






T.R.: Boy, it's really rotten
what cities do to people.

It's just wrong to make 'em
look so insignificant.

I guess when you walk around
down there it's okay but, boy,
from up here...

Maybe that's why everybody
looks so paranoid when they
walk around here.

They know how
little they look.

MITCHELL: Are you hot?

No, I just wanted to see
if it would open.

wouldn't it open?

This place where I work,
you can't open the windows.

We're hermetically sealed.
We're like instant coffee.

Well that's because of
the air-conditioning.

In your newer buildings,
you open the windows,
you ruin the air-conditioning.


That's wonderful. If you
open the windows the air
ruins the air-conditioning.


It's a nice view,
isn't it?


Yeah. It's pretty from a
distance. Like somebody
with bad skin.

You sound like
you don't like it.

Well, I don't know.
Sometimes I enjoy it.


Well, if it's so depressing
for you why don't you go
back home?

Boy, Mister Mitchell,
you must be kidding.


I know where I'd go.

Inland Florida.

You know everybody
talks about Miami,

but inland Florida
is where it's
really going on.

What's going on
in inland Florida?

A boom, that's what.

That's right. Miami is
saturated, the property
values are too inflated.

But in inland Florida you
can really get your value.

What do you mean?

Eight years ago,
I bought four lots
in inland Florida.

Right by a lake.
It's really pretty.

Now, there's
not much there now,

but you have to know
how to see,

what things are gonna
be like when you
buy a place, right?


I've been with
for 12 years.

And I don't know whether
you know this or not, but
Con-Amalgamate happens

to have the best
pension plan
in the country.

I didn't know that.

For every penny you put in,
they put something in.

You know, it's not much
in one week, but the weeks
and the years add up

and you retire
with a lot of money.

Do you have anything like
that where you work?

Yeah, we do have this
Medical Retirement thing,

it's really neat if you
happen to get run over
by an armadillo.

isn't like that.

In 13 years
I'll be eligible.

In 13 years I'll be able
to pay off the college,

sell the house,
and build on my land.

Nothing spectacular, but
something nice and solid,

where I can take
my shoes off.

Twenty-five years.

That's a very
expensive house.

It's not the house,
it's the freedom.

You can get up
when you want.

You can go to sleep
when you want.

You don't owe anybody.
You know what I'd love?

I'd love to be able
to make a mistake,

and not feel like I'm gonna
get in trouble for it.

I really have everything
all planned.

Every week,
a little at a time.

I know what colors I want.

I can even tell you
how much cheaper my
electric bill will be.

You don't have to
heat in Florida.

I've got it
all worked out.

Have you made your plane
reservations yet?



This is Steve, I'm Joe.
This is gorgeous
hair you've got.

How about a drink?
Want a drink?

Can I buy you a drink?
Let me buy you a drink.

I even said
your hair...
Listen, oh, come on!

Oh, hi, T.R.,
how you doin'?

Oh, hi John.


This place is crazy, hey?

Heck, yeah.

So, what's the
office like?


We just met tonight!
He's so tall!

I'm sorry.
Oh, gosh.

Hey, Tom!
What's up, John?

Where'd she go?

Who? Your friend?

T.R.: Hi.

What would you like?

The Nobel Prize.

Well, uh, if they haven't
got one would you settle
for some coffee?




What's your name?

Hello, T.R.

Aren't you gonna ask me
what T.R. stands for?

All right. I give up,
what does T.R. stand for?

Thelma Ritter.

You're my favorite

What's your name?
Larry. Larry Moore.

What do you do?

I edit and publish
children's books for the
public school systems.

What do you edit in
children's books?

I erase all the penises
from the illustrations.

What do you do?

I don't really know for
sure. I push buttons
and I type things.

It's just that I'm
not really sure what
I'm pushing or typing.

I mean, last week
I thought I was filling
out purchasing forms

and then I got yelled at
for filling out sales
forms incorrectly.

So I wanted
to tell them,

"Listen, I am not
filling out sales forms."

But you don't do
that where I work.
You don't talk back.

If you do somebody
comes along with
a pair of pliers

and pulls your teeth
right out of your mouth.


Do you have
any brothers?

Yes, I used to have two,
but my mother made
me give them away.

Why'd she do that?

They were very messy.

What's your mother's
name anyway?

Margaret. Why?

For a second I thought
we had the same mother.

My father is
a very nice man
but he's very short.

What's so bad about that?

Nothing, it's just that
I'm not wild about being
taller than my father

and he's not crazy about
being shorter than me.

Well, how short is he?
Well, when he stands up...

His feet don't touch...
...the ground.

Let's go to my place
and I'll show you my
unedited children's books.

Does it talk?
I'm not setting foot in
this thing if it talks.

Never said a word to me.

Would you
like a drink?

No, thank you,
not right now.

You play tennis?

No, but I bowl a lot.

You bowl?

You like bowling?

I'm not really crazy
about bowling,
I just love the shirts.

What's this?


I was a lieutenant.

Those are three men
in my platoon.

We swore that
everyone that
got out alive

would get together
once a year,
just to keep in touch.

You don't look like
you were in the army.

Well, I was.


Our side?

You shouldn't make
fun of a vet.

Where were you?

Oh, Fort Dix, New Jersey.


Are they yours?


How come they're on
your wall instead of
in your house?

I don't know.

Yes, you do.

Yes, I do.

Well, it's because
their mother and I

could not look at
each other too closely

for an extended
length of time.

Either she's crazy
or you wet your bed.

Well, a little
bit of both.

See, she would yell
at me if I broke my leg
because she was upset.

I can understand
her being upset,

but after all,
it was my goddamn leg
that was broken.

And on the other hand,
I do use rubber sheets.

What about you?

What do you mean?


What do you want?

Where are you going,
you know all those things

you put on
the applications,
what about them?

I don't know if
they're so important.

I just wish
everybody else
didn't look like

they knew exactly
where they were going.

I try to fit in, you know,
I really do.

It's just that, I can't help
thinking that what everybody's
trying to fit into

is a lot of crap.

I don't know if
I'm making myself
clear or not.

But do you know what
scares me more than
anything else in the world?

I'm afraid that if
you keep on getting

you wind up
expecting less.

When I was a kid,

I was this, uh,
baseball card nut
you know.

This, you know,
the ones that come

with little slabs of
bubble gum that taste
like cardboard?

Yeah, well, I was
crazy about them,

and I collected them,

I traded them,

I stole them,
I hoarded them.

My wall was this
baseball card mosaic.

And I used to look at

the wall like a priest looks
at stained glass windows.

And all the players had
those great blank determined
looks on their faces,

you know, kind, honest
-across-the-street faces.

Well, I really
loved baseball and
I loved loving it.

Then, one day I grew up,

not voluntarily mind you,
I just wound up in a tweed
jacket in a box seat.

And, well, you know,
baseball players
are not very smart.

They read comic books

and they cheat
on their wives,
they're takers,

and they're really
just as rotten
as everybody else.

Maybe a little worse.

Anyway, it was a lot
more fun worshipping
baseball cards.

And I expected my wife

to be like this
Dial soap commercial,

with her head tilted back
in the shower all smiling
and squeaky clean.

And she wound up
worrying about her
maid being unreliable.

I guess it all depends on
how disappointed you get,

but at one point something
goes click and, uh...

You know,
the goddamn phone is
busy every time you call

so after a while you just
stop calling, that's all.

I don't know what the
hell I'm talking about.

Do you, uh,

do you want a drink?

Ah, I do.



Turn around.


Turn around.

...now sometimes where
bright people

like photographer
Jack Dickingcuff

win Pulitzers because
they live with their job...

Reach for the sky!

...takes 'em inside,
right, Jack?
Excuse me.

JACK: (ON RADIO) Really,
it's just an overwhelming
feeling that you, uh,

after shooting, uh,

was wrapped up
for the first day,

I would say I
had quite a bit of
difficulty sleeping,

I was just thinking about
the memories, the smells...

Say, Jack Mitchell.

MAN: ...for bright
readers like you.

I'm your bright
friend on the radio...

What do you think
about when you're
selling your tires?

What do you mean?
Well, I mean,

you ever think about
setting your place on fire

or writing "I love you"
on the inside of
one of the tires?

What for?

I don't know.
Just to be able to
think about some guy

on the highway
changing his flat
and seeing your note.

No, I never thought
of doing that.

Just sell the old tires
and buy the house
in Florida, huh?

Well, I'm not
such a big man.

And you know that.

Hey, T.R., you won't
tell Larry about what
happened, will you?

Who the hell is Larry?

T.R.: Do you think
Nixon really goes
to bed with his wife?

I mean, do you think
they really take off
their clothes

and do it in White House
sheets with the official
seal on the pillow?

I would love it.
I would love it if the
whole Grand Old Party

were doing it
at this very moment
with their wives.


In the first place,
they're probably
all asleep,

and secondly their wives
never take off those
little pearl earrings,

you know those
little pearl earrings
that they wear?

It's impossible
to do it with anybody

when they're
wearing those little
pearl earrings.


politicians do not screw,
they screw up, there's a
difference you know.

Whenever I lie on my back
in bed I think of a lot
of strange things.

Like what?

Like diapering
Winston Churchill.


Yeah. Someone used to
diaper Winston Churchill
you know.

I thought he was

I'm serious. Winston
Churchill started out a
baby like everybody else.

Don't you ever think
of things like that?

I mean somebody
actually used to change
Adolf Hitler's diaper.

No. Somebody actually
forgot to change Adolf
Hitler's diaper.

I was gonna say Gandhi,
but Gandhi looks like
he always wore diapers,

so he probably
changed himself.

Listen, do you have any
other little poignant

that come to you
while you're looking
at my ceiling?

Do you think I'm weird?
Yes, madam, I do.

Didn't anybody ever tell
you that you talk like a

Frankly no.

Well you do.

Any particular brand?

Yeah. One of those
older black tweedy ones
with the skinny keys.

Oh, yeah,
one of those.

Some people say things
that sound like they're
written in longhand, you know?

Cab drivers sound smudgy,
like this blunt pencil

and then I used to have a
grandmother who screeched
like chalk on a blackboard.

You, however,
talk like a typewriter.


What do you sound like?

I think a laundry marker.

How long have you
felt like that?

I don't know,
what time is it?

Why don't you
just lie back and,

you know, you can
tell me all about it.

I am lying back.

That's right. You are.


What are you
thinking about?

Nothing in particular.

It was a nice night.

Yeah, it really was.

Would you mind very much
if I didn't see you home?

'Course not.
I'm allowed to
cross streets.

You're really,
uh, all right.

You're not
so bad yourself.

Just, a little somethin'
for your carfare.


LARRY: You know,
your carfare.

T.R.: What?

Now, wait a minute.

Hey, listen,
what the hell's
the matter with you?

Hey! Where the
hell are you going?

Jesus Christ!

Twenty-third floor.

Actuarial Services
and Branch Relations.




You're probably all wondering
why I've invited you here.

I'd like to bring
your attention to
Mr. Walter Freebish.

Walter Freebish is in the F's.

Hello, Walter.

I just wanted you
to know how very
much we appreciate

the magnificent work
that you've done here.

Twenty-four years at it.


Listen, old buddy, umm...

We're going to be
re-deploying our manpower,

as they say,

and we're going to
have to fire all the F's.

You understand, Freebish.

It all depends on how
disappointed you get.

But after a certain point,
something goes click.

Do you know what
I mean, Freebish?


Anything for me?
What's your name?



I would like to
make a collect call to
Findlay, Ohio, please.

The number
is 241-3601,

area code 419.

T.R. Baskin.

Operator, T.R.

"T" as in
traffic accident.

Yeah, that's right.
Thank you.


Hi, Mom!

Nothing, I just called
to see how you were.

How are you?

No, really,
nothing's wrong,

I just wanted to
see how you were.

No, I know, I'm sorry,
it's really early.

No, really,
I swear to you nothing's
the matter at all. I just...

I'm really sorry,
I didn't mean to
make you worry.

I'm sorry. I... I...

No, listen, I didn't
mean to wake you.

I'm really fine,
nothing's wrong at all.

Listen, Mom,
how's Dad anyway?

How is he? Oh, Ma,
would you please...
Don't wake him up.

Please don't wake
him up, Mom.

Would... Would
you please not
wake him up?

Hi, Dad!

Oh, no, I'm fine.
How are you?

No, listen, I'm not.
She lied, Dad,
I'm not in trouble.

I know, I didn't
mean to wake you up,
it's really early.

Oh, I didn't mean
to call so early.

I'm... Mom...


I'm sorry.

Oh, that's in the
newspapers, Mom,
I don't live there.

God, Mom, what do
you think I am,
some pregnant junkie?

I'm sorry, Mom.
Yeah, I know.

Oh, Mom!
What do you
want me to do?

I'm gonna hire
some skywriter

and then the whole
air over Findlay will
be full of my apologies.

What do you...
I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.


You know you can never
mistake a Sunday
for anything else.

I mean sometimes a Tuesday
can feel like a Sunday,
you know?

But Sunday is
always Sunday.

I think I hate Sunday.

Makes me feel like
I haven't done my homework.

Today's not bad though,
you know.

I mean...

Even for a Sunday
it hasn't been a bad day.

You know something?

You're really
kind of sweet.

You really are.

You don't want to be,
but you are.

Do you mind if I
ask you a question?

I'd mind if you asked
me anything else
besides a question.

Are you happy?

I don't spend a lot
of time wondering
whether I am or not.

But are you?

I'm ecstatic.

No, I'm serious.

Well, you shouldn't be,
you know.

Things don't work
out too well when
you're serious.

I don't understand that.

That's okay,
neither do I.


Well, what?

Answer me.


Answer you.

What's a nice girl
like me doing

with the Automotive
Parts section,
Utica Branch, right?


Because I got tired of
looking at bra ads in
the newspaper?

That's not good enough.

Well, I'll bet you one
thing, Mr. Mitchell.

I'll bet you've got some
pictures of your family
in your wallet.

And I'll bet your son
has a clip-on bow tie,

and a crew cut and
a plaid sports jacket.

And your daughter has a
pigtail-smile on her face,

and your wife is
standing faithfully
in the driveway.

You've got this whole
Betty Crocker Cake Mix all
crinkled up in your pocket,

and you wind up
prowling around a
hotel room in Chicago.

You're trying to be kind
and compassionate,

and understanding,

not to mention tender,

but maybe you should worry
about why you're here,
Mr. Mitchell, instead of me.

I have to go now.

Can't you stay
a little longer?

Well, can I
see you home?

No. I'm allowed
to cross streets,
you know.


Well, uh...

Well, thank you.

It was nice.

I'm glad I met you.

No, I really mean
that and, uh,

I hope you find
what you want.

Thank you.

I'm really glad
I met you too.

And I hope you
get your house.

I wish...


You know
what I wish.