Swiped (2016) - full transcript

A very active dater with 10+ years experience searches for love with the best intentions but misses the boat every chance she gets through self sabotage, numerous layers of spanx and poor decisions.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

LOOK, IT'S AS SIMPLE AS THIS,
IN TECH AND IN LIFE:

IF YOU'RE NOT DISRUPTING,
YOU'RE NOT INNOVATING.

YOU HAVEN'T SAID A WORD
IN TWO HOURS.

OH, SORRY,
I WAS WATCHING SIMON LANG.

- I...
- SIMON LANG?

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA INTERACT
WITH REAL PEOPLE

WHO ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?

YOU KNOW, THE GREAT THING
ABOUT COLLEGE IS

IT'S THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE
FRIENDSHIPS THAT LAST A LIFETIME.

DO YOU KNOW WHO
YOUR ROOMMATE'S GONNA BE?



A GUY NAMED LANCE BLACK.

I BET HE'S LOVELY.

DID YOU CALL
TO INTRODUCE YOURSELF?

I DID, I DID.
I LEFT HIM A VOICEMAIL.

- NEVER CALLED BACK.
- WELL, DID YOU SOUND LIKE A NERD?

SORRY.
SOUNDED LIKE MYSELF.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY
HE DIDN'T CALL BACK.

OH, ASHLEY.
GUYS, PLEASE.

- ENTREZ-NOUS.
- OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

OH, IT'S, UM...

IT'S A LITTLE SMALLER
THAN IT LOOKED IN THE BROCHURE.

I THINK IT'S BIG ENOUGH
FOR TWO PEOPLE.

WHAT IF YOU WANT
TO HAVE FRIENDS OVER?



LET'S GET REAL, MOM.
THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

JAMES, PLEASE DON'T LET THE
COMPUTER BE YOUR ONLY FRIEND.

JAMES: IT'S NOT.

IT'S HOPELESS.

OKAY.

ONE DAY,
I WILL CODE AN APP

THAT WILL REALLY
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

JAMES, I KNOW IT'S
NOT PRINCETON OR M.I.T.

NO, MOM, DON'T DO THAT.
IT'S OKAY.

I JUST REALLY HOPE

MY ROOMMATE'S, LIKE,
AT LEAST A LITTLE SMART.

MOM, LET'S GO.

I'VE GOT A PARTY
TO GET TO TONIGHT.

OKAY.
AAH.

THIS IS WHERE I LEAVE YOU.

OOH, I LOVE YOU,
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

OKAY, JAMES... HAVE FUN.

- BYE, JAMES.
- BYE, JAMES.

BE GOOD.
NO, DON'T BE GOOD.

BE ROTTEN,
BUT EAT GOOD,

- AND HAVE FUN, AND...
- MOM, LET'S GO.

I'M SURE YOUR ROOMMATE
WILL BE LOVELY.

JAMES: OH.

HI.
YOU MUST BE LANCE.

YEAH. YOU MUST BE MY SOON-TO-BE-TRANSFERRED-
TO-ANOTHER-COLLEGE ROOMMATE.

OH, OKAY.
UM...

SO THIS IS YOUR SIDE
OF THE ROOM.

I HAVE LEFT IT
COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED.

DO YOU NEED HELP
BRINGING ANYTHING IN?

NO, I GOT IT COVERED.
THANKS, THOUGH.

HEY, DO YOU WANT TO GRAB
SOMETHING TO EAT?

ACTUALLY, YEAH,
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

- YEAH.
- OKAY, COOL.

I'LL SEE YOU, MAN.

UH, OKAY, NO, YEAH.

THAT'S... THAT'S COOL.
I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO.

I WAS GONNA FINISH UP
ON SOME WORK THAT I WAS DOING,

SO MAYBE WE COULD CHAT ABOUT IT
LATER OVER SOME CHAI TEA,

OR... OKAY.

HERE YOU GO, MAN.
HAVE A NICE NIGHT.

WOMAN: ORDER NUMBER SEVEN
IS READY!

GOD, I JUST WANT TO KISS YOU.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

OH, IT'S... UH, IT'S ROB.

ROB.
WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME, ROB?

WHY DO YOU
NEED SO MUCH INFORMATION?

YOUR LAST NAME IS
"SO MUCH INFORMATION"?

WELL, YEAH.

LOOK, YOU SEE THIS?

WHAT? IT'S A PHONE.

NO, NO, NO,
IT'S NOT A PHONE.

THIS IS A 24/7 PORTAL
TO ALL THE SEX THAT

I COULD EVER DREAM ABOUT.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CLICK.

SO...?

SO, I MEAN,
YOU'RE OBSOLETE.

OKAY, LIKE, I'M NOT GONNA TELL
YOU WHAT MY LAST NAME IS,

AND I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU
WHERE I'M FROM

OR WHERE I GO TO SCHOOL
OR WHAT I DO AT SCHOOL, OKAY?

AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THE BEST PART IS?

I DON'T HAVE TO, OKAY?

HEY, HEY, WESLEY, MAN.
WAIT UP, MAN.

WESLEY.

HE WAS CUTE.

- I GUESS.
- WHY'D HE LEAVE?

HE WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ME
HIS LAST NAME.

SO?

SO I'M GOING HOME.

HEY, WAIT.

MIND IF I HOOK UP WITH HIM?

WHATEVER, RACHEL.

HEY, WAIT UP.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS,

FIRST OR LAST.

HANNAH?

- YOU GO TO SCHOOL HERE?
- YEP.

- ME, TOO.
- OKAY, COOL.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T
SEEN YOU SINCE...

SINCE PROM NIGHT IN MAY.

YEAH, JAMES, LET'S PLEASE
NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

LOOK, I WAS JUST
TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU.

- YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT IT.
- LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID SO WRONG.

I MEAN, I...
WAS MY VOICE THAT BAD?

NO, YOUR VOICE WAS GREAT.

THEN WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

JAMES.

YOU KNOW HOW SHY I AM.

WHEN YOU PICKED UP
THAT MICROPHONE

AND ANNOUNCED MY NAME IN FRONT
OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE,

400 PAIRS OF EYES
TURNED TO FACE ME.

I WAS MORTIFIED.
I UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU WANTED TO EXPRESS
YOUR FEELINGS TO ME,

BUT THERE'S A WAY BETTER WAY OF
DOING THAT THAN HUMILIATING ME.

HANNAH, I'M REALLY SORRY.
SERIOUSLY, MY INTENTIONS

WERE THE EXACT OPPOSITE
OF THE RESULTS,

AND I WAS JUST TRYING
TO SHOW YOU THAT I LIKED YOU

BEFORE WE GRADUATED
AND WENT OFF TO COLLEGE,

AND I TRIED FOR FOUR YEARS
AND NOTHING WORKED.

PLEASE JUST WALK ME TO MY DORM
AND THEN LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M JUST NEVER
GONNA SING AGAIN.

NO, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO THAT,

AND YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE
TO DO THAT FOR ME.

I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU,
HANNAH.

THEN PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE IN
MY QUIET SPACE WITH MY BOOKS.

IF YOU WANT TO READ,
I'LL WATCH THE GROUND

SO YOU DON'T TRIP
ON ANYTHING ELSE.

OKAY.

AT LEAST TELL ME
WHAT YOU'RE READING.

- "SENSE AND SENSIBILITY" BY JANE AUSTEN.
- JANE AUSTEN.

HAVE YOU READ HER WORK?

I LOVE JANE AUSTEN, YEAH.

- ME, TOO.
- WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART ABOUT HER?

SHE WRITES COMPLEX,
STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS.

HER CHARACTERS
ARE SO EXTRAVAGANT.

THEIR NAMES ARE SO PRECISE,
KINDA LIKE IP ADDRESSES.

YEAH, I MEAN, YOU CAN TELL SO MUCH
ABOUT A PERSON BY THEIR NAME.

WELL...

HEY, UM,
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT...

THERE'S A CHASM BETWEEN
MY INTENTIONS AND MY RESULTS.

I KNOW
YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT.

I'LL SEE YOU IN CS.

- ELEVATOR: FLOOR NUMBER FIVE.
- YES, YEAH.

- I'LL SEE YOU AS WELL.
- ELEVATOR: GOING UP.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! JUST
COME BACK TOMORROW, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT COMPANY.

WHAT? WHY?
WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?

NOT HERE.

JUST FIGURE IT OUT, MAN.

YEAH, JUST ATE DINNER,
TUCKED IN FOR BED NOW.

REALLY COMFORTABLE, ACTUALLY.

UH, YEAH,
THE SHEETS YOU GOT ME,

THEY'RE REALLY SOFT.

USING THEM A LOT.

LANCE SEEMS...

PRETTY ACCEPTING OF ME.

HEY!

OH! GET DRESSED,
GET DRESSED!

YOU PROMISED ME
COFFEE AND BAGELS.

YEAH, I KNOW.
I'LL SEND YOU THE GIFT CARD

VIA THE EMAIL
FOR BAGEL BROS,

BUT RIGHT NOW YOU GOTTA
GET DRESSED,

- YOU'RE GOING OUT THE WINDOW.
- EXCUSE ME?

YEAH, YOU'RE EXITING
VIA WINDOW.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

IT'S LITERALLY JUST
THE GROUND FLOOR,

YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

ALL THOSE NICE THINGS
I SAID ABOUT YOU LAST NIGHT,

I TAKE THEM ALL BACK.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
YOU IN THERE?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
I'M COMING, POPS!

I'M JUST... UM...
PUTTING ON SOME PANTS.

WHAT'S YOUR DAD DOING HERE?

I THINK HE'S JUST BRINGING
ME MY STUFF, ALL RIGHT?

BUT IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO,
COME ON.

I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS.

HEY! BIMBO FLYING!
SOMEBODY CATCH HER!

HEY!

DUDE...

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HAVE
TO CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT.

COME HERE.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, MAN.

THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

WOW!

YOU HAD A GOOD TRIP UP?

YEAH, GREAT TRIP!
WOW!

- GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
- WOW!

WELL, THIS IS THE SPOT.

AWESOME, BRO,
THIS IS AWESOME.

DESK, BED...

- HEY, THIS IS INGA.
- INGA?

- HI.
- INGA?

WHAT HAPPENED TO FABIOLA?

- INGA HAPPENED TO FABIOLA.
- OH.

ALL GOOD, ALL GOOD.

- OKAY.
- HEY, INGA, UNPACK EVERYTHING,

AND THEN KINDA PUT IT ALL AWAY
NICE AND ORGANIZED.

- SURE.
- I'MA TAKE THE BIG GUY OUT TO BREAKFAST.

- SURE.
- IS THAT GREAT?

BAGELS AND COFFEE.

WHICH WOULD MAKE THAT...

SORRY I'M LATE, PROFESSOR,
I WAS JUST, UM...

READING THAT BOOK
IN YOUR SYLLABUS.

SO LATENESS WILL PUT YOU
ON THE FAST TRACK

TO GETTING AN F
IN MY CLASS.

TAKE A SEAT.

AND WIPE THE GIRL
OFF YOUR FACE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, SO, YOUR ASSIGNMENT

WAS TO CREATE TRUTH TABLES

BASED ON THE READING.

SO, WHO AMONG YOU
DID THE ASSIGNMENT?

UM, I COMPLETED THE ASSIGNMENT,
PROFESSOR BARNES.

I'M SORRY,
TODAY'S THE FIRST DAY OF CLASS,

WHEN DID YOU ASSIGN THIS?

IT WAS IN YOUR SYLLABUS
I SENT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU

OVER TWO WEEKS AGO.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

UH, JAMES SINGER.

ALL RIGHT, JAMES,
SINCE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

WHO APPARENTLY READ
THE SYLLABUS,

OR COMPLETED THE ASSIGNMENT,

WOULD YOU CARE TO STAND UP
AND EXPLAIN IT TO THE CLASS?

UH, YEAH,
OF COURSE, YEAH.

THAT, MY FRIEND, PUTS YOU ON
THE FAST TRACK TO GETTING AN A,

OKAY?

UH...

ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T DO IT,
IT WAS A DIFFERENT ONE.

I DIDN'T COMPLETE IT AT ALL,
ACTUALLY.

UH-HUH.

GOD, I MISS NEW HAVEN.

LISTEN...

...THIS CLASS IS YOUR DOORWAY
TO EVERY OTHER

COMPUTER SCIENCE COURSE
IN THIS ENTIRE COLLEGE.

IT IS A REQUIREMENT
THAT I MAKE IT TOUGH.

WHY IS THAT A REQUIREMENT?

TO WEED OUT THE UNWORTHY.

THE CODING FIELD IS OVERCROWDED
WITH DABBLERS,

AND I FOR ONE...
EXCUSE ME, TAKE THOSE OFF!

THANK YOU.

AND STOP LOOKING
AT YOUR NAILS, THANK YOU.

SO, IF YOU WANT TO TAKE ANY
OTHER COMPUTER SCIENCE COURSES

AT THIS COLLEGE, OR YOU WANT
A CAREER IN IT,

YOU HAVE TO TAKE MY CLASS,

AND IN ORDER TO PASS MY CLASS,
YOU HAVE TO WORK...

VERY HARD.

CLASS DISMISSED.

- WHAT'S UP?
- HEY, SQUARE.

LISTEN,
ME AND THE OTHER STUDENTS,

WE KINDA... WE'VE COME UP
WITH A PLAN.

FOR WHAT?

TO PASS CS.

UH, WHAT'S THE PLAN?

BRO, ARE YOU GONNA
SLEEP WITH PROFESSOR BARNES?

- NO, I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH PROFESSOR BARNES.
- THAT'S GNARLY.

DON'T DO IT.

SHE WOULD PROBABLY FALL INTO A
DEPRESSION, EVEN THOUGH SHE DIGS ME.

THE THING IS I WOULD GET
EXPELLED AND WE DON'T WANT THAT,

SO WE HAVE TO DO THIS
A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT.

HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING,

SHE CAN'T FAIL ALL OF US
AT ONCE, OKAY?

SO WE EITHER SINK TOGETHER
OR WE DROWN TOGETHER.

ISN'T THAT THE SAME THING?
I THINK IT'S THE SAME THING.

YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE
IT'S THE POINT.

I... I KNOW.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU IF
AND WHEN WE DO THE ASSIGNMENTS,

OKAY?

HOW ARE YOU GONNA LEARN?

WHAT?

HOW ARE WE GONNA LEARN?
BRO, WE DON'T WANNA LEARN.

WE JUST WANNA PASS
THE CS REQUIREMENTS.

NO, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF,
WESLEY.

SORRY, I HATE HIM.
I WANT TO LEARN.

SEE, HE WANTS TO LEARN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PLAN
OR NOT?

- HE WANTS TO...
- DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

- I UNDERSTAND.
- GOOD.

WE'LL BE IN CONTACT.

TILL THEN, DO YOU,
BOO-BOO.

COME ON GUYS, LET'S GO.

- SEE YOU LATER, ALLIGATOR.
- OKAY, OKAY.

- REMEMBER THAT.
- LOVE YOU.

WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, NOW GUYS, WHAT
DATING APP WOULD YOU RECOMMEND?

NONE OF 'EM, MAN,
DATING IS FOR PUTZES.

WHY WOULD I WASTE MY MONEY
ON A MOVIE?

- OR DINNER?
- OR FLOWERS?

YOU KNOW, I NEVER
GAVE A GIRL FLOWERS.

HEY, DON'T DISS FLOWERS,
MY DAD GIVES MY MOM FLOWERS

ALL THE TIME AND IT
ALWAYS MAKES HER HAPPY.

THAT WENT OUT
WITH THE 20TH CENTURY.

I'M GONNA
FALL.

IT'S A WASTE OF TIME
AND MONEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S A NUMBERS GAME.

SEE, THE MARKET IS SATURATED
IN SINGLE, SLUTTY GIRLS,

AND IT'S A BUYER'S MARKET.

HEY, LANCE, DO YOU HAVE
A MINUTE?

ACTUALLY NO, WE'RE IN
A BOARD MEETING,

- IT'S KINDA PRIVATE.
- OH, YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?

WELL, DO I KNOW YOU?

UH, YEAH,
WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

- UM...
- YOU NEVER CALLED.

I WILL CALL YOU.

I PROMISE, I WILL CALL YOU.

OKAY?

BYE.

HE IS NOT GONNA CALL YOU.

SO WHAT WOULD YOU GUYS SAY
IS THE BEST HOOK-UP APP?

UM...

WELL, I GUESS THE PERFECT APP
HASN'T EVEN BEEN CREATED YET.

- WHOA.
- HELLO.

YEAH, BUT WHAT FEATURES
DO YOU THINK WE NEED?

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE
A GIRL AIRLIFTED OUT OF MY BED

- THE SECOND I'M FINISHED WITH HER.
- OOH!

YIKES, I DON'T THINK TELEPORTATION
EXISTS YET, LANCE, SO...

I WAS BEING THEORETICAL.

YEAH, THEORETICAL.

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HAVE TO
MAKE SURE THAT A GIRL

COULDN'T FIND ME AFTER,
YOU KNOW?

OR EVEN IF
SHE WANTED TO FIND ME

SHE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO
BECAUSE THE INFORMATION

WOULD GET LOST OR MAYBE
IT WOULD JUST MORPH MY ACCOUNT

INTO SOME OTHER ACCOUNT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, NO, NO,
I GET WHAT YOU MEAN,

LIKE, YOU COULD MIX UP
OUR IDENTITY OR SOMETHING.

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY
WHAT I JUST SAID.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WHY DON'T WE JUST CREATE
AN APP LIKE THAT.

OH, YOU KNOW HOW TO CODE?

BUT WE'RE TAKING A COMPUTER
SCIENCE CLASS,

WE CAN LEARN.

NO, WE CAN'T. NOT TO DO
SOMETHING THAT SOPHISTICATED.

WE DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
THE BOOK.

YEAH, WE CAN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND
THE SYLLABUS.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

DISRUPTION IS NOT AN APP.

DISRUPTION IS NOT GADGET.

DISRUPTION IS NOT
A BUSINESS MODEL.

DISRUPTION IS CATACLYSMIC CHANGE
IN HUMAN BEHAVIOR

BROUGHT ON BY CONSENSUS.

I'M NOT DOING THE HOMEWORK,
I'M JUST READING THE BOOK.

YOU DIDN'T SAY I COULDN'T
READ THE BOOK, IS THAT OKAY?

RELAX.
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE BOOK?

IT'S ON THE SYLLABUS.

IT'S "PROGRAMMING SOCIAL
ENGAGEMENT PLATFORMS."

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- YOU'RE KIDDING.
- I NEVER KID.

WELL, I THINK THAT MIGHT
BE A PROBLEM, JAMES.

- HEY, THAT'S MINE.
- WELL, IT'S A NICE PHONE CASE.

- THANK YOU.
- IT'S BIRDS.

- MM-HMM.
- IS THE BOOK HARD?

I'VE READ IT BEFORE.

I MEAN THE ORIGINAL EDITION.

WHAT, IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?

NO, WHEN I WAS
IN SIXTH GRADE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN CODING FOR?

- SINCE I WAS SEVEN.
- HMM.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, YOU'VE BEEN PROMOTED.

YOU'RE INVITED
TO MY BOARD MEETING.

COME ON, GRAB YOUR STUFF.

GRAB A CHAIR.

WHOA, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, UH, DANIEL, WESLEY,
YOU REMEMBER JAMES.

JAMES, THIS IS DANIEL
AND WESLEY.

- WHAT'S UP?
- HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDY?

OKAY, IF THIS IS
ABOUT COMPUTER SCIENCE,

I'M JUST GONNA SAY,

MAYBE WE SHOULD ALL DO
THE HOMEWORK, I'M JUST SAYING.

UH, YOU HAVEN'T QUITE GOTTEN
TO VOTING STATUS YET,

SO FOR RIGHT NOW
YOU'RE JUST CONSULTANT, OKAY?

OF COURSE, YEAH.

- SO, I HAVE AN IDEA.
- WHOA!

- HEY.
- WE HAVE AN IDEA,

AND WE WOULD LIKE
TO HIRE YOU.

TO DO WHAT?

TO BUILD AN APP.

WE NEED TO INTERVIEW HIM
FIRST

BEFORE WE GIVE HIM ANY JOB.

TRUE, TRUE.

HAVE YOU EVER BUILT
AN APP BEFORE?

YES.

OKAY, WELL,
TELL US ABOUT IT.

- WHICH ONE?
- WHOA, WHOA! WHICH ONE?

LIKE THERE'S MULTIPLE APPS
THAT YOU'VE MADE?

UH, WELL, YEAH,
I'VE BUILT 17 FOR IOS,

AND 12 FOR ANDROID.

OKAY, SO WHAT DO THEY DO?

UH, OKAY, WELL, ONE OF THEM LEAD
HOMELESS PEOPLE TO SHELTERS,

ANOTHER ONE ASSISTED
THE BLIND,

UH, ONE PUBLIC
THOROUGH FARES,

ANOTHER ONE HOSTED
LOCAL FOOD DRIVES, UM...

OKAY, WELL, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO
DO SOMETHING THAT'S IMPORTANT.

HEY, CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT
THIS GENIUS IS MY ROOMMATE?

I MEAN, HOW PERFECT IS THAT?

OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO!
THIS IS PERFECT.

MM-HMM, I LOVE IT.

JAMES, YOU ARE GOING TO BUILD
ONE MORE APP,

AND THIS APP WILL TAKE
THE WORLD BY STORM.

WELL, WHAT'S IT GONNA DO?

JAMES, IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.

WE TAKE MEN AND WOMEN

AND WE PUT THEM TOGETHER
SO THEY CAN MEET UP.

- SO, A DATING APP.
- NOT A DATING APP.

HOOK-UPS.

THERE'S ALREADY HOOK-UP APPS
OUT THERE.

NO, BUT NOT LIKE THIS ONE.

WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT
ABOUT THIS ONE?

THE DIFFERENCE IS THAT TO BE
ON THIS APP,

YOU HAVE TO AGREE TO CERTAIN
TERMS AND CONDITIONS

THAT WILL MAKE SURE
THAT YOU, ONE,

DO NOT ASK FOR NAMES,

TWO, YOU WILL NOT ASK
TO SEE THE PERSON AGAIN,

AND, THREE, BY NO MEANS,
UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE,

WILL YOU DATE
ANYBODY ON THE APP.

AND THAT MEANS THAT ALL
THE GUYS ARE GONNA BE ON IT.

AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE GONNA
HAVE TO BE ON IT

IF THEY WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE.
MM-HMM.

OKAY, WHAT'S SO WRONG
WITH A GIRL KNOWING YOUR NAME,

OR EVEN WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?

WHAT'S SO BAD?

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S
FOR ME TO KNOW

AND YOU TO FIGURE OUT
HOW TO CODE.

DO YOU THINK...

ALL THE GIRLS WILL BE
ON THE APP?

OH, OKAY.
SO HE DOES LIKE GIRLS.

PAY UP.

DUDE, I'M NOT GAY.

I DO... I LIKE ONE GIRL.

I'M NOT SAYING WHO IT IS.

STICK AROUND, OKAY?
LISTEN TO ME,

AND SHE'LL BE EATING
OUT OF THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

WHOA, WHOA, JAMES, JAMES,
COME ON.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME BACK.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

SO IT'S A MAYBE.

OKAY, FINE, WELL,
YOU WON FAIR AND SQUARE.

PAY UP.

SO, HOW WAS THE HONEYMOON?

IT WAS THE BEST ONE YET.

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS,
JAMES.

I TOLD HER,
"JUST BRING A PASSPORT."

YOU KNOW, AN ANNUAL HONEYMOON
WOULD SAVE ANY MARRIAGE.

I WISH YOU AND LEAH WOULD HAVE
TRIED IT, HONEY.

THANKS FOR
THE EARLY WARNING, MOM.

UH, JAMES, HAVE YOU
MET ANYONE YET?

YEAH, I'VE MET A LOT
OF PEOPLE.

ANY GIRLS?

NO, DAD, I'M TRYING TO FOCUS
ON MY STUDIES.

I'M GONNA ASK
FOR A PATERNITY TEST.

HEY, I SHOULD ASK
FOR A PATERNITY TEST.

- OUCH!
- VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE GARDENER.

- OH, PHIL.
- DAD, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.

ME TOO, ME TOO.

JAMES, IF YOU WANT ANY
ADVICE ABOUT THE FAIRER SEX,

YOU SHOULD ASK
YOUR GRANDFATHER.

THEY DON'T ACT MUCH FAIRER.

YOU'RE NOT BECOMING
AN ANTI-FEMINIST, ARE YOU JAMES?

I DON'T KNOW GRANDPA, I'M
STILL STUDYING THE SITUATION.

DAD, I DON'T THINK YOUR
ROMANTIC ADVICE PERTAINS

TO JAMES' GENERATION.

THEY'RE DOING EVERYTHING
ON THEIR PHONE NOW.

THAT I'D LIKE TO SEE.

I MEAN, THAT'S HOW
THEY MEET EACH OTHER.

AND HOOK-UP WITH EACH OTHER
AND BREAK-UP WITH EACH OTHER.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY,
WOMEN AND MEN

HAVE NOT CHANGED
FOR 10,000 YEARS.

PHIL...

...I'M NOT SO SURE
ABOUT THAT.

HMM, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT.

WHAT?
IS THE WELL DRY?

NO, I JUST HAVE TO WAIT
FOR MY DAD'S CHECK TO CLEAR.

YOU THINK ABOUT MY OFFER?

- TO MAKE THE HOOK-UP APP?
- MM-HMM.

YEAH, AND THE ANSWER IS NO,
OKAY?

THAT'S THE LAST THING
THAT I WANT TO DO.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT
THE RIGHT GUY FOR IT ANYWAY.

I MEAN,
IF YOU WERE SO SMART,

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED
TO PRINCETON OR M.I.T.,

OR MAYBE EVEN HARVARD,
RIGHT?

I GOT INTO PRINCETON,
M.I.T., HARVARD, AND STANFORD.

OH, YEAH,
THEN WHY AREN'T YOU THERE?

BECAUSE...

MY PARENTS DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY.

YEAH, WELL IF YOU WERE
SO SMART,

I'M SURE YOU'D HAVE
A SCHOLARSHIP, RIGHT?

THE IVYS DON'T GIVE
ACADEMIC SCHOLARSHIPS

AND WITH MY FAMILY'S BUSINESS,
IT JUST...

YOU KNOW WHAT?
NEVER MIND.

JAMES, I AM
YOUR SAVING GRACE.

I MEAN, IF YOU DO THIS APP,
I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE MONEY

TO GO TO WHEREVER YOU WANT
TO GO FOR SCHOOLING.

THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL BE LIKE STEVE JOBS
OR STEVE WOZNIAK.

BILL GATES
AND PAUL ALLEN.

MATT DAMON
AND BEN AFFLECK.

LET ME KNOW.
OKAY?

SO, UH, WHAT TIME
IS YOUR NEXT CLASS?

AN HOUR.

YEAH?

I NEED MY DESK
AND MY CHAIR.

WELL, THIS ISN'T GONNA
TAKE LONG, RIGHT? IT'S QUICK.

WELL I NEED IT NOW
IF YOU WANT MY HELP.

WAIT, HOLD ON,
YOU DECIDED TO DO IT?

WELL,
THERE ARE CONDITIONS.

LIKE, NO GIRLS,
NO PARTIES,

NO STAYING UP
UNTIL 3:00 AM WITH FRIENDS.

THIS WILL BECOME
A CODING SANCTUARY.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST CODE
IN THE STUDY ROOM DOWN THE HALL?

- NO.
- WELL, I NEED MY ROOM, DUDE.

WELL, I NEED MY ROOM.

OKAY, WAIT!
YES, YES, YEAH, YEAH,

YOU CAN CODE IN HERE.

WILL YOU ALSO
MAKE ME BREAKFAST?

NO, I WILL NOT MAKE YOU
BREAKFAST, JAMES.

BUT SHE SERIOUSLY DOES
HAVE TO GO.

YEAH, OKAY,
YOU HEARD THE MAN.

TIME TO SKEDADDLE,
GET OUT.

- WILL YOU CALL ME LATER?
- PROBABLY NOT.

HE WON'T.

OKAY, I'LL COME BY
AFTER CLASS.

NO, NO, NO, JAMES AND I
HAVE VERY IMPORTANT WORK TO DO

AND WE NEED PEACE AND QUIET,
BUT, THANK YOU.

SERIOUSLY.

I HAVE ONE MORE CONDITION.

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I'M NOT
MAKING BREAKFAST FOR YOU IN BED.

IT'S NOT THAT.
I WANT TO DO THIS ANONYMOUSLY.

WELL, THEN WHO IS GONNA
TAKE THE CREDIT

FOR DEVELOPING THE APP?

WELL, CONSIDERING
I HAVE NOT BEEN ACCORDED

VOTING RIGHTS, STILL.

I WOULD SAY, YOU WOULD
TAKE THE CREDIT.

WHO? ME?

- YEAH, YOU.
- WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TO KNOW I'M A PART OF THIS.

WHAT PEOPLE
DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW

THAT YOU'RE A PART
OF THIS APP?

MY MOTHER, FOR ONE.

OH!

WAIT, WE CAN'T TELL MOMMY?
WHY NOT?

OKAY, DO YOU WANT MY HELP
OR NOT?

YEAH, NO, YEAH,
OBVIOUSLY.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

LET'S GET STARTED.

I FELT LIKE IT WAS
A BAPTISM.

HEY, WHERE'VE YOU GUYS BEEN?

OH, UH...
WE'VE BEEN STUDYING.

FOR REAL?

UH-HUH.
YEAH, WE'RE ACTUALLY CODING

A NEW BREAKTHROUGH PROJECT.

MM-HMM, AND IT'LL BE OUT SOON,
LADIES, SO DON'T FRET.

THAT SOUNDS COOL,
WHAT IS IT?

OH, NO, IT'S...
WE HAVEN'T MADE IT PUBLIC YET.

WHAT LANGUAGE IS IT IN?

- WHAT...
- TELL HER.

- ENGLISH.
- YEAH, ENGLISH.

SHE MEANT WHAT
PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE.

YEAH, WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT,
WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL YOU THAT,

OKAY?
IT'S PRIVATE.

WE'RE GONNA KEEP IT UNDER WRAPS
FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

UH, JAMES...
WHAT IS THIS?

YOU WERE LATE
FOR OUR MEETING.

- WHERE IS THE TV?
- IT'S IN THE CLOSET.

- WHAT ABOUT MY FUTON?
- DEFLATED, FOLDED NEATLY,

- AND TUCKED UNDER THE BED.
- WHAT? NO, DUDE!

I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
MY FUTON.

AND I CAN'T CODE ANONYMOUSLY
EXCEPT FOR IN THIS ROOM,

AND I CAN'T CODE AT ALL

UNLESS THIS IS MY SANCTUARY.

OKAY, THEN WHAT
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE?

I'D LIKE A TURKEY
AND SWISS ON RYE

WITH LETTUCE, TOMATO,
AND MAYONNAISE, PLEASE.

OH, AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO WITH THIS.

THAT'S PERFECT RIGHT THERE,

AND I AM NOT GONNA
BE YOUR WAITER.

- DUDE.
- WAIT... OKAY, FINE!

UNLESS IT KEEPS YOU
FROM CODING, SIT DOWN.

DO YOUR THING.

UH, AND WHAT
LANGUAGE ARE WE DOING THIS IN?

ENGLISH.

NO, I MEANT LIKE
THE PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE.

- I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.
- OH, WAS IT A JOKE?

- WAS IT FUNNY?
- NO.

DON'T TRY IT AGAIN, 'CAUSE FUNNY
STUFF DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU, OKAY?

OKAY, I'M SORRY,
I WON'T DO IT AGAIN.

DUDE, WHAT'S THE PROGRAMMING?
I NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL PEOPLE

WHAT WE'RE DOING IN HERE.

C, JAVA, HTML,
AND RUBY.

OH, DON'T YOU DARE EVEN THINK
ABOUT GETTING SICK ON ME, OKAY?

- OKAY.
- JUST PUT THAT ON.

WHEN AM I GETTING PAID?

IN TIME FOR YOU
TO ENROLL AT M.I.T.

THE DEADLINE
IS FEBRUARY FIRST.

I GUESS
YOU BETTER GET STARTED.

ALL RIGHT GUYS, SO, UH,
I THINK IT'S TIME

FOR A LITTLE POP QUIZ

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE CAUGHT
UP IN ALL YOUR READING.

HEY, UH, TEACH. YEAH,
I'D LIKE TO BE EXEMPT

- FROM SAID POP QUIZ.
- ON WHAT GROUNDS?

ON THE GROUNDS THAT
I'M DEVELOPING A REAL APP

THAT NEEDS MY TIME.

I MEAN, I THINK THAT YOU'D FIND
THAT IT MORE THAN FULFILLS

THE COURSE REQUIREMENTS.

COME OVER HERE, LANCE.

COME ON, I WON'T BITE YA,
COME ON.

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST
SHARE WITH THE CLASS

DETAILS ABOUT YOUR PROJECT,
HM?

- YOU KNOW, I WOULD...
- OH.

I REALLY WOULD,
BUT MY CONTRACT WITH NASA

PROHIBITS ME
FROM SAYING ANYTHING.

GOSH, YOU KNOW,
I'M REALLY GOOD FRIENDS

WITH THE DIRECTOR OF NASA.

- ARE YOU?
- MM-HMM.

OH, YEAH! WELL, WE'RE WORKING
WITH, UH, DNA. YEAH.

YOU'RE WORKING ON DNA?

NO, NO, NO. WE'RE WORKING
ON A CODING PROJECT.

OH, SO SIGNED A NON DISCLOSURE
AGREEMENT, AN NDA.

YEAH, AN NDA,
A NON DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT.

- RIGHT.
- A STANDARD ONE TOO.

- OH, A STANDARD.
- I APOLOGIZE FOR THEM.

A STANDARD ONE, OKAY, GREAT.

YEAH, SO THAT MEANS,
YOU KNOW,

IF WE WERE EVER
TO SAY ANYTHING,

WE WOULD BE...

DEAD, KILLED IN OUR SLEEP.

- AND WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
- NOT ME.

ALL RIGHT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,

I THINK YOU CAN SHARE
WITH THE CLASS

WHAT LANGUAGE
YOU'RE WORKING IN.

- OH...
- WOULD THAT BE ENGLISH, LANCE?

- OH, YEAH?
- WOULD THAT BE ENGLISH, LANCE?

NAH, NO. THAT WOULD NOT
BE ENGLISH.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE WORKING IN C,
JAVA, HTML, AND RUBY, SO...

DOES THIS
PROJECT HAVE A NAME?

DOES THIS PROJECT
HAVE A NAME,

YES, IT HAS A NAME.
IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE."

ALL RIGHT, LANCE,
I'LL EXPECT A SUMMARY

WITH ALL PROPRIETARY
INFORMATION REDACTED, OF COURSE,

UH, BY THE NEXT CLASS,

AND IF I APPROVE,
THEN, FINE, YOU CAN MISS OUT

ON A FEW QUIZZES.

- THANK YOU.
- OKAY, AS FOR THE REST OF YOU,

YOU WILL FIND THE QUIZ
IF YOU PRESS ENTER.

HONEY, IT'S THIS BUTTON.

OKAY.
GOOD BOY.

...JAVA, HTML, RUBY,
C, JAVA, HTML...

HOW'S IT GOING?

THE ARCHITECTURE'S
STARTING TO FLOW.

BY THE WAY, YOU GOTTA COME UP
WITH, UM,

A FULL SUMMARY
OF THE PROJECT

FOR PROFESSOR BARNES.
I GOTTA GIVE HER ONE.

OKAY, I'LL WORK
ON THAT TOMORROW.

HEY, HEY! COULD YOU
HOLD IT DOWN?

PLEASE, I'M TRYING TO REMEMBER
ALL THESE TERMS.

I THINK I'M GETTING SICK.

I'M GOING TO BED NOW.

ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST,
YOU KNOW, MAKE SURE YOU GET

RIGHT BACK TO WORK
IN THE MORNING.

HOY! COME ON,
TIME TO GET UP.

LET'S GO.

COME ON.

I CAN'T, I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT A BAD COLD.

OH, NO, NO, NO. HOW LONG
IS THAT GONNA SET US BACK?

LET'S SEE...

IF IT'S JUST A COLD,
A COUPLE DAYS.

IF IT'S A SINUS INFECTION,
IT COULD BE A COUPLE WEEKS.

WELL... OKAY, WHAT...
OKAY THEN, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO

TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T TURN
INTO THE INFECTION THING?

UH, WELL, MY MOM WOULD USUALLY
MAKE ME A POT OF HOT TEA,

ALTERNATING WITH SOME
ORANGE JUICE,

WITH 6,000 GRAMS
OF VITAMIN C CRYSTALS.

OH, AND SOME CHICKEN
NOODLE SOUP, OF COURSE.

I'M NOT YOUR MOM, JAMES.

OKAY.

SHOULD LAST NO MORE
THAN A MONTH.

HEY!

LANCE! LANCE!

UH, YEAH?

UH, LISTEN, I JUST FINISHED
READING YOUR PROPOSAL.

I'M REALLY IMPRESSED.

YOU EXEMPLIFY EVERYTHING I AM
TRYING TO CULTIVATE

IN THIS CLASS.
I'M BLOWN AWAY BECAUSE AT FIRST

I THOUGHT, UGH!
BUT YOU'VE SURPRISED ME.

SO I THINK I CAN AGREE
TO YOUR TERMS.

OF COURSE, PENDING THE SUBMISSION
OF YOUR CODED PROGRAM.

OF COURSE,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

- NICE COSTUME.
- I LIKE YOURS.

- YOU'RE A GENIUS, MAN!
- THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A SHRINE TO MY GREATNESS!

HEY!

I'M WORKING,
COME BACK TOMORROW.

YES, YES, HE'S WORKING
ON GETTING "JUNGLE" RIGHT NOW,

I HAVE EVERYTHING
UNDER CONTROL.

OKAY.

I THINK "JUNGLE" IS OFFICIALLY
READY FOR BETA ROLL OUT.

- WHAT? REALLY?
- YEAH.

AH, DUDE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS, DUDE.

THERE COULD BE
A SLIGHT PROBLEM, THOUGH.

WHAT PROBLEM?
WHAT IS IT?

UM, I MEAN THERE'S NO LOGICAL
INCENTIVE FOR THE USERS

OF OTHER HOOK-UP APPS
TO TRANSFER OVER TO JUNGLE,

- YOU KNOW?
- I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.

YEAH. I MEAN, THERE'S GOTTA BE
A MATHEMATICAL THEOREM

TO CONVINCE THEM.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES.
MY BOY LANCE RIGHT NOW

IS GONNA BREAK IT DOWN
FOR Y'ALL RIGHT NOW.

LISTEN UP, Y'ALL.
WE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO,

IS GET OFF OF ALL OF
THE OTHER MATING APPS

AND GET ONTO JUNGLE.

MY BOY DANIEL HERE,
HE DID ALL THE MATHEMATICS,

HE'S GONNA BREAK IT DOWN
FOR YOU.

IT'S ALL HERE,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I HAVE COME UP
WITH A SIMPLISTIC

YET INTUITIVE
MATHEMATICAL FORMULA

THAT WORKS 10 OUT OF 10 TIMES,
AND IT'S QUITE EASY.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS DITCH
THE OTHER HOOK-UP APPS

AND SWITCH TO "JUNGLE"
AND THE RESULTS

WILL ASTOUND YOU,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

- THEY WILL ASTOUND YOU.
- OH!

- AND THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
- MM-HMM.

- WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME...
- NOPE.

- ...TO KNOW A GIRL'S NAME.
- NOPE.

WE DON'T THE TIME
FOR THEM TO KNOW OUR NAMES!

- WHO DOES?
- WE GOT SCHOOL!

DO YOU REALLY WANT
TO PAY FOR A MOVIE?

- NO!
- OR FLOWERS?

NO!

I'M GONNA SAY THE C-WORD,
I KNOW WE DON'T LIKE TO SAY IT,

- ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.
- DON'T DO IT TO 'EM.

COMMITMENT.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE GIRLS
IN YOUR APARTMENTS,

IN YOUR DORMS,
ON A DAILY BASIS,

LINE UP RIGHT NOW
AND GET THESE DIRECTIONS.

ORDERLY FASHION, GENTLEMEN.

THIS HAS NO AGE RESTRICTION.

GIVE IT TO YOUR FIVE-YEAR-OLD
COUSIN, IF YOU NEED TO.

OH, HAND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS,
YOUR FRIEND'S FRIEND.

I GOT ANOTHER ONE!
GIVE IT TO YOUR FRATERNITIES,

GIVE IT TO YOUR BROTHERS,
GIVE IT TO YOUR FRIENDS,

YOUR FRIENDS' FRIENDS,
YOUR COUSINS, YOUR UNCLES,

- ALL OF 'EM!
- YOU NEPHEWS, ALL OF 'EM!

'CAUSE EVERYBODY
SHOULD BE ON JUNGLE.

- WHOO!
- SPREAD THE WORD, Y'ALL.

- TELL HIM ABOUT THE TIME...
- HEY!

- WHOA.
- WE GOT A QUESTION FOR THE DUDE

THAT DEVELOPED
THE "JUNGLE" APP.

- YEAH.
- YO, SO, YOU TELLING ME THESE GIRLS,

INSTEAD OF NAMES,
THEY JUST SEND

A PHOTO OF THEMSELVES
IN THEIR UNDERWEAR?

NO EXCEPTIONS?

I MEAN, THAT'S THE PLATFORM.

- OOH!
- HEY, MAN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY,

- YOU ROCK!
- THAT'S PRETTY SWEET.

YOU ROCK, MAN.

HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS DOING?

SO FAR I'VE GOTTEN
FOUR SWIPES.

I'VE GOTTEN 19.

I'VE GOTTEN TWO,
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

LET ME SEE
YOUR PROFILE PICTURE?

IT'S OBVIOUS,
YOU NEED TO STAND OUT.

HOW DO YOU STAND OUT
IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?

WITHOUT THEM, OF COURSE.

WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE TO, BUT...

HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE, HANNAH?

ZERO.

OH, HANNAH.

DO YOU NEED US TO HELP YOU
WITH YOUR PROFILE PHOTO?

NO.

I'M NOT GONNA PLAY
WITH THAT APP.

MORE GUYS FOR US.

I JUST DON'T SEE
HOW IT BENEFITS US.

HANNAH, DO YOU WANT TO BE
ALONE FOREVER?

- NO.
- THEN YOU NEED TO GET ON BOARD

AND GET WITH THE APPS.
THAT'S WHERE THE GUYS ARE.

THAT'S TRUE.

SO, WHO HAVE YOU MET?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO CALL IT MEETING ANYONE.

BECAUSE YOU JUST HOOK-UP
WITH THEM ONE TIME.

UNLESS THE GUY HITS
A CERTAIN BUTTON

THAT BRINGS YOU BACK
A SECOND TIME.

BUT YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO SAY HIS NAME.

- OR TELL HIM YOURS.
- OR ASK HIM ANY QUESTIONS.

OR THEY'LL KICK YOU OFF
THE PLATFORM,

AND YOU HAVE TO WAIT
TWO WEEKS

FOR A RE-TRAINING PERIOD.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS VERY
LIBERATING, GIRLS,

BUT I'M GONNA GO STUDY.

I WORRY ABOUT HANNAH.

SHE JUST DOESN'T GET IT,
SHE'S SO 20TH CENTURY.

I THINK SHE'S LIKE A BORN
AGAIN CHRISTIAN OR SOMETHING.

THAT EXPLAINS IT.

THESE KIDS HAVE NO IDEA
HOW EASY THIS IS.

"JUNGLE" HAS JUST MOVED IT UP
A WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL.

I THINK YOU MEAN DOWN
A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

- NO.
- HEY, GUYS, GUYS,

HOW'D YOU GUYS LEARN
ABOUT "JUNGLE?"

- UH, MY DENTIST.
- MY ACCOUNTANT.

GOSH! DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT?

"JUNGLE" IS NOW OUT
OF THE CAMPUS

AND OUT INTO THE REAL WORLD,
MY FRIEND.

- OH, WHOO-HOO-HOO.
- THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

GET READY FOR SOME
MAJOR BANK.

- INSANE.
- YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY,

YOU SHOULD, HOP ON "JUNGLE"
'CAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO SWIPE YOU.

OH!

WHO'S GOT LOW SELF-ESTEEM?
THIS GUY, LET'S GO.

SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY,
LET'S SWIPE SOME TIME.

I'M SENSING DISRUPTION
FORM A NEW HOOK-UP APP

CALLED "JUNGLE."

BUT I'M NOT GONNA
WEIGH IN ON IT YET.

FIRST, I'M GONNA EVALUATE
THE AUTHENTICITY.

FAKE NEWS...

SHE CALLED ME
COMPLETELY HYSTERICAL.

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY
HAD A GOOD TIME ON "JUNGLE."

THIS DOES NOT LOOK LIKE
A GOOD GUY!

YEAH, MELODY,
THIS GUY WAS A FREAK.

WELL, THE CUTE FREAKS
ARE ON THE APP, SO...

I THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.

DO YOU GUYS THINK
LANCE MADE THE APP?

YEAH, WHY NOT?

'CAUSE HE'S HORRIBLE
AT CODING.

YEAH, WELL, SOMEONE'S
HELPING HIM.

LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS,
WHOEVER MADE THIS APP

IS A HORRIBLE PERSON.

THANK YOU GUYS
FOR COME GETTING ME.

OF COURSE.
WE'RE SORRY, RACHEL.

YOU ARE A SMART AND INTELLIGENT
AND KIND AND FUNNY HUMAN BEING.

YOU NEED TO BE ON THIS APP.

- THIS IS NOT WORTH IT.
- THANK YOU.

'CAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
FEMALE SPECIMENS!

HOW ARE YOU?

I KNOW!

WELL, HAPPY HANUKAH,
HAPPY KWANZA.

I'LL SEE YOU GUYS,
UM, AFTER... CHRISTMAS.

PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, HUH?

UH, YEAH,
I REALLY LIKED YOUR BOOK.

NO, I WAS TALKING
ABOUT "JUNGLE."

UH, YEAH.
I MEAN, LANCE IS THE MAN.

YOU KNOW?

JAMES, IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO TELL ME?

UM.. MERRY CHRISTMAS,
PROFESSOR BARNES.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, JAMES.

SO HOW DO YOU LIKE LIVING
WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA?

GOOD.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
ON BREAK?

SOME CODING,
MAYBE SOME STUDYING.

NO VISITING, PARTYING,
SOCIALIZING, WOMANIZING?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED
TO BE DOING ON VACATION.

YEAH, DAD, I'LL DEFINITELY
DO SOME OF THAT.

I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO MISS OUT ON ANYTHING.

WELL, LOOK, I GOTTA GET
BACK TO THE OFFICE.

I'LL SEE YA
ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

GOOD.

LOOKING FORWARD TO A NICE
FAMILY CHRISTMAS, DAD.

YEAH.
I LOVE YOU, JAMES.

SO, LOOK AT THIS
NEW BLUSH I JUST GOT.

- ISN'T IT SO PRETTY?
- SO PRETTY.

- IT'S CALLED BERRY.
- SO COOL.

I KNOW, I LOVE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN MY ROOM?

IT'S MY HOME OFFICE NOW.

- WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?
- MYSELF.

ANYWAY,
HOW WAS YOUR FIRST SEMESTER?

UH, INTERESTING.

DID YOU MAKE ANY FRIENDS?

I THINK I DID.

INVITED
TO ANY HOLIDAY PARTIES?

- NO.
- I THINK YOU DIDN'T.

OH, YEAH. DON'T TRY TO MOVE
BACK INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

AS YOU CAN TELL,
IT'S MY HOME OFFICE.

SO, I'M GUESSING YOU CAN
SLEEP ON THE COUCH IN THE DEN.

WHERE'S MOM?

SHE'S AT A HOLIDAY LUNCH
WITH HER FRIENDS.

DOES IT LOOK GOOD?

- IT LOOKS SO PRETTY.
- YAY!

CHECK OUT THIS LIP GLOSS,
IT HAS A LIGHT IN IT.

- SHOW OFF! CAN I BORROW?
- OF COURSE.

THANK YOU.

- I LOVE IT.
- YOU ARE SO GOOD!

YOU NEED TO HAVE YOUR WORK
IN A GALLERY.

OH, WELL,
I'M WORKING ON IT.

OKAY, IT'S, UH,
JAMES' M.I.T. FUND.

GALE, ARE YOU STILL PLANNING
ON LETTING YOUR EX

BRING HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND
TO CHRISTMAS DINNER?

SURE.

WELL, I'M LETTING MY EX
COME TO CHRISTMAS DINNER.

- YEAH, BUT NOT WITH GIRLFRIEND.
- NO.

WAIT, IS JUSTIN SEEING
SOMEONE ALREADY?

ALREADY? IT'S BEEN 10 MONTHS
SINCE LEAH'S DIVORCE.

HE'S PROBABLY HAD LIKE
FIVE GIRLFRIENDS.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I WANT TO KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT HIS DATING HISTORY.

OH, THAT'S JUST BECAUSE OF THE
RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST YOU.

OH, OKAY, IT WAS NOT
A RESTRAINING ORDER,

IT WAS A...
A COUNSELOR'S EVALUATION.

A COUNSELOR'S EVALUATION
TO STOP BREAKING INTO

JUSTIN'S NEW APARTMENT.

I WANT MY CHINA BACK.

WE NEED TO BE A LITTLE BIT
MORE SUPPORTIVE

AND GIVE HER SOME CREDIT.

SHE HASN'T BROKEN INTO
JUSTIN'S APARTMENT SINCE

SHE STARTED THE MEDICATION.

I JUST CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE
JUSTIN WITH A GIRLFRIEND.

JUST SAYING THE WORDS,
"JUSTIN'S GIRLFRIEND," BLEGH.

I THINK IT'S GOOD THAT WE HAVE
THE EXES AT THE HOLIDAY DINNER.

I MEAN, WE'RE ALL STILL
A FAMILY.

BUT YOU'RE DIVORCED.
YOU'RE NOT A FAMILY ANYMORE.

- YES WE ARE.
- I MEAN, TECHNICALLY WE'RE FAMILY, RIGHT?

AT LEAST, THE KIDS,
AND I DO LIVE WITH HIS PARENTS.

WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE
IT'S TIME THAT YOU

FIND SOMEBODY NEW
AND MOVE ON.

GUYS THAT ARE SINGLE
ARE EITHER TOO YOUNG OR TOO OLD.

OKAY, SO WHERE ARE
THE AGE-APPROPRIATE MEN

IN THEIR 40S AND 50S?

THEY HAVEN'T HAD
THEIR DIVORCES YET.

I HAVE FOUND A NEW WAY
TO MEET PEOPLE.

OOH, SHARE.

IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE."

I'VE HEARD OF "JUNGLE."

YEAH, MY HAIRDRESSER
WAS TELLING ME ALL ABOUT IT.

SHE SAYS THAT'S WHERE
ALL THE GUYS ARE.

YEAH, BUT I HEAR THERE
ARE, LIKE, WEIRD CONDITIONS.

YEAH, AND THE CONDITIONS
ONLY POP UP ON YOUR PHONE

IN TINY PRINT WHEN YOU'RE
ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR DATE.

UH-UH, NOT A DATE.

BUT THEY SHOW UP
WHEN IT'S TOO LATE.

YOU KNOW, A REAL PIECE OF WORK
MUST HAVE MADE THAT "JUNGLE."

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU SHOULD GO FOR IT.

YOU DESERVE TO MEET
SOMEBODY ELSE.

- YEAH.
- TO "JUNGLE."

TO "JUNGLE."

...TO EVERYONE,
FOR CHRISTMAS.

I THINK I HEAR DAD.

OH, I'LL GET HIS GIFT.

HEY, HEY, HEY!
THERE SHE IS!

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, TOO.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS!
- SHE'S KINDA YOUNG.

OH, SWEET JESUS.

OH, ASHLEY,
THIS IS TIFFANY.

IS THERE A POWDER ROOM
I CAN USE?

I JUST WANNA CHECK MY FACE

- BEFORE I...
- OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE, SURE.

IT'S RIGHT DOWN THE HALL
OVER THERE TO THE RIGHT.

- UM, DAD?
- OH, YEAH.

I DON'T THINK IS MOM
IS GONNA BE OKAY WITH... THAT.

OH, COME ON,
SHE'LL BE FINE.

LISTEN, YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

MOM AND I
HAD A COOL DIVORCE.

- OKAY.
- HELLO, HELLO.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- HI!

- HERE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

YOU CAN OPEN IT
NOW OR LATER.

HEY, THANKS FOR COMING.

IT MEANS A LOT TO THE KIDS,
AND TO YOUR PARENTS.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU FOR THIS,

UH, WE GOT SOMETHING
FOR YOU TOO.

OOH.

YEAH, OKAY.

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT SETTLED IN
TO MY PARENTS HOUSE HERE.

WE HAD TO SETTLE SOMEWHERE

AFTER YOU BLEW THROUGH
YOUR INHERITANCE

AND FORECLOSED
ON OUR HOUSE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

IT'S IN THE PAST.

YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S JUST
HAVE A LOVELY HOLIDAY.

I AM FOR THAT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

UH. THIS IS SPECIAL CHOCOLATE
FROM SWEDEN.

SWITZERLAND.

UM, ARE YOU
ASHLEY'S FRIEND?

- NO, I'M...
- NO, NO, THIS IS TIFFANY.

- UH, SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND.
- HE FOUND ME ON "JUNGLE."

I THINK I'LL GO KISS
MY MOTHER NOW.

HI.

THE DRESS IS A LITTLE HIGHER
THAN IN YOUR DAY

AND MY DAY.

- I DON'T MIND IT.
- OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, I'M NOT SAYING THAT
IT'S PROPER IN OUR DAY,

BUT IT'S PROPER
IN THEIR DAY.

WHAT IS HE THINKING?

I, UM...

I DIDN'T KNOW JUSTIN
HAD A GIRLFRIEND.

WE'RE KEEPING IT
UNDER THE RADAR

SINCE
YOUR LAST BREAK-IN, BUT...

...NOW THAT I'M MOVING IN,

- IT'S KIND OF PUBLIC.
- MOVING IN?

YEAH! AND I WOULD LIKE
TO COMPLIMENT YOU

- ON YOUR TASTE IN CHINA.
- MY CHINA.

MM-HMM. THE PLATE SETTINGS THAT
JUSTIN HAS AT HIS APARTMENT.

YEAH, YEAH, THE LENNOX
WITH THE LITTLE PINK FLOWERS.

AND DON'T WORRY,
I ONLY BROKE ONE DINNER PLATE,

BUT I'M GONNA BE SUPER CAREFUL
FROM NOW ON.

THAT'S THE CHINA MY GRANDMOTHER
GOT US ON OUR WEDDING DAY.

WELL, I THINK
SHE'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.

SHE'S LIKE 12 YEARS OLD,
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

YEAH, IT'S PERFECT. I'M GONNA
DECORATE THE WHOLE APARTMENT

AROUND THE COLOR SCHEME,
SO, THANK YOU!

YOU'RE WELCOME,
YOU'RE WELCOME.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NAKED,
BUT...

...YOU'RE WELCOME.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, TIFFANY.
- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

ARE YOU ONE OF
ASHLEY'S FRIENDS?

- OH, NO.
- NO, MOM, THAT'S MY TIFFANY.

EVERYONE KEEPS
ASKING ME THAT.

CAN I GET ANYBODY A DRINK?
WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?

MAYBE SOME, LIKE...
CHOCOLATE MILK.

UM, YOU GUYS GOING
TO A CLUB AFTER DINNER?

I HOPE SO.

I LOVE WHAT YOU'VE DONE
TO THE ROOM, JAMES.

UM, AREN'T YOU TAKING
ANY TIME OFF FOR CHRISTMAS?

I'M TRYING TO CATCH UP
ON SOME WORK.

ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

CAN WHAT?

WELL, I DON'T THINK
YOU CAN CATCH UP

WITH WHATEVER
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR

WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING
AT A COMPUTER

AND A PHONE ALL DAY.

WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?

WELL,
I'M NOT SURE,

BUT I AM SURE THAT YOU
HAVE TO FACE PEOPLE

FACE TO FACE
TO FIND IT.

COME ON.

NAH-AH-AH.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS, JAMES.

I HAVE A FAVOR TO ASK.

I WANT YOU TO HELP ME
FACE THE FAMILY.

LET'S GO DOWN THERE
AND YOU TELL AUNT GILDA

THAT YOU CAN'T SEE THAT SHE
HAD ANY BAD PLASTIC SURGERY.

THE RUMOR IS
A DEER SHOT HER.

SWEETHEART,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE A TOAST?

A SHORT ONE,
A SHORT TOAST.

OKAY, UM...
A TOAST.

I'VE... WHILE WE'RE TOGETHER
I'D LIKE TO HAVE A DINNER,

THAT REALLY MEANS A LOT MORE
THAN JUST EATING.

THESE TWO PEOPLE,
JACK AND KAREN

HAVE BEEN, REALLY, MY EXAMPLE
THAT I'VE LIVED BY.

THEY'VE GONE THROUGH
SO MUCH TOGETHER,

AND THE IDEA THAT YOU'RE HERE
AND THAT WE'RE STILL TOGETHER,

IT'S THOSE THINGS THAT REALLY
MEAN SOMETHING IN OUR LIFE,

THAT LASTS, THAT NOT THE THINGS
THAT ARE MOMENTARY.

I'VE KNOWN MANY,
I'VE LIKED A FEW,

LOVED ONE,

AND HERE'S TO YOU.

- AWW.
- AWW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
SWEETHEART.

MERRY CHRISTMAS,
EVERYONE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

AWW, MERRY CHRISTMAS...
AWW, THANK YOU.

- THAT WAS SWEET, DAD.
- THAT WAS SO SWEET.

LET'S UH, EMBARGO THE PHONES
FOR DINNER, HUH?

SO, EVERYBODY
JUST GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.

I'LL TAKE YOUR PHONE.

THAT'S A GREAT PICTURE.
UH, THIS...

GIMME...
JAMES, JAMES...

I NEED YOUR PHONE,
WE'RE EMBARGOING THE PHONES.

PLEASE ASHLEY,
YOU CAN TALK LATER.

UM, YOU'D ONLY TEXT ANYWAY.

UH, BILLY...

PUT IT UP.
NOT BAD, NOT BAD.

I CAN'T SEE MY FACE.

I CAN'T SEE MY FACE.

HOW DO I...

HEY, MOM! CAN I...

MOM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M...

I'M TAKING A PICTURE,

BUT ARMS
AREN'T LONG ENOUGH,

SO I NEED YOU
TO TAKE IT FOR ME.

UM, WHAT IS IT FOR?

OH, DON'T TAKE THAT,
TAKE THAT.

IT'S FOR MY COLLECTION.

OKAY, I'M NOT DOING IT UNLESS
YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- I AM SCARED.
- DON'T BE SCARED,

THERE'S NO NEED
TO BE AFRAID,

IT'S ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD.

IT'S JUST A PICTURE.
READY?

READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE, WINE.

OKAY, LET ME SEE.

IT'S GOOD.

CAN YOU PHOTOSHOP OUT
ABOUT FIVE POUNDS?

IS THERE AN APP FOR THAT?

MOM, THERE'S AN APP
FOR EVERYTHING.

OH, DOWNLOAD IT.

- OKAY, WE DON'T HAVE TO...
- DOWNLOADING!

WAITING FOR THE BLUE LINE.

MOM, WE DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THAT.

- NO.
- YOU TAKE THIS.

- OKAY.
- I'LL BE TAKING THIS.

OKEY-DOKE.

GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

GOOD NIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU MA√ĎANA.

I WILL SEE YOU...

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

WHAT'S UP, YOU BIG LOSERS?
NO PLANS TONIGHT?

NO, I'M STILL TIRED
FROM YESTERDAY.

I NEED A SPA VACATION
AFTER AN EVENING

TALKING TO AUNT GILDA.

I'M STILL STUDYING
FOR NEXT SEMESTER.

ONLY A PSYCHO DOES THE WORK
A SEMESTER AHEAD OF TIME.

MOM, ARE YOU GOING OUT
WITH YOUR FRIENDS?

- UM, A NEW FRIEND.
- WHO?

I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME,
BUT WE'RE MEETING AT A CAFE.

UH, WHERE DID YOU
MEET HIM?

WELL, WE HAVEN'T
ACTUALLY MET.

I DON'T THINK
I CAN SAY MEET.

I'M SORRY, THERE'S A LOT
OF FUNNY CONDITIONS.

CONDITIONS TO WHAT?

TO WHAT I CAN SAY.

ALL I KNOW IS HE REALLY LIKED
MY PHOTO PROFILE.

OKAY, WHAT PHOTO?

MOM! NO!

IT'S OKAY, HONEY, REALLY,
EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I JUST SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

OKAY, MOM,
I DO NOT APPROVE.

OKAY, WELL, IT IS NOT FOR YOU
TO APPROVE OR DISAPPROVE,

ALL RIGHT? I'M GOING
AND I WILL BE BACK LATER.

OKAY, WELL AT LEAST TELL ME
WHERE YOU MET THIS GUY

SO I CAN DO SOME RESEARCH.

FINE, IT'S CALLED "JUNGLE,"
OKAY?

LOVE YOU BOTH!
BYE!

WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING
FOLLOWING MOM ON HER DATE?

IT'S NOT A DATE.
YOU CAN TRUST ME ON THAT.

I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL THAT
YOUR MOTHER'S SEEING PEOPLE.

SHE NEEDS
TO GET OUT MORE.

I JUST FLORENCE.
I WANT TO MOVE THERE

AND JUST IMMERSE MYSELF
IN THE CULTURE AND THE ART,

JUST THE SHAPES
AND THE COLOR.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE BOTH
LOVE ITALY.

YOU LOVE ITALY, TOO?

YEAH, YEAH, I CAN EAT
PIZZA ALL DAY LONG.

LISTEN, I THINK WE KNOW
EACH OTHER WELL ENOUGH,

LET'S GO.

ARE WE GOING TO EAT PIZZA?

NO, I'VE INVESTED MORE TIME
THAN I WAS PLANNING,

I'M NOT GONNA SPEND
MONEY ON YOU.

I CAN BUY PIZZA.

APARTMENT 754,
JUST FOLLOW ME, OKAY?

- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- THAT'S AGAINST THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

ARE YOU COMING?

- NO, NO, I'M NOT.
- I GOTTA GO.

MY NEXT APPOINTMENT'S
WAITING FOR ME.

BUT LISTEN, DON'T PLAY
SO HARD TO GET, LADY!

- YOU OKAY?
- NO, IT WAS AWFUL, I WANT TO GO HOME.

NO, NO, NO, LEAH,
DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP.

- I WANT TO GO HOME.
- YOU JUST HAVEN'T MET THE RIGHT ONE YET, OKAY?

HE'S OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
HERE, GIVE ME THIS.

GIVE ME THIS, LET'S SEE.

OOH, YOU GOT SOME
NEW SWIPES.

- THAT'S A GOOD SIGN, HONEY.
- NO, NO.

OKAY, LET'S SEE, LET'S LOOK
AT THESE OPTION...

OH! SIGH, INTERESTING.

OH, MY EX-HUSBAND, OKAY.

- OH, HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
- OH, HE'S CUTE.

- YEAH!
- GUYS, THAT'S JUSTIN'S COUSIN, BILL.

YOUR MOTHER'S
LEAVING THE CAFE.

- SHE'S ALONE. BAD SIGN.
- GOOD SIGN.

- OUR WORK IS DONE.
- IT'S JUST BEGUN.

CAN WE TAKE THEM HOME NOW
SO WE CAN GO OUT?

OUT?
IT'S 1:00 AM.

THAT'S WHEN THE CLUBS OPEN.

JAMES.

JAMES.

JAMES.

HONEY, GO TO BED.

- WHERE'D YOU GO?
- OUT.

NO, I MEAN,
AFTER THE CAFE.

YOU LEFT THE CAFE
HOURS AGO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS
AND WHAT TIME I LEFT?

NEW APP.

OH.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
- ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT MEETING PEOPLE?

OH, WELL...

I GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO WRAP
MY HEAD AROUND HOW THINGS ARE,

AND, UM...

I DON'T KNOW,
GET USED TO IT.

I LOVE YOU, JAMES.

GOOD NIGHT.

- WHAT DID YOU DO?
- GET OUT OF MY ROOM.

IT'S MY ROOM NOW.

IF YOU COME IN THIS ROOM
AGAIN WHILE I'M HOME

OR WHILE I'M AWAY,
I'LL SEND OUT A MESSAGE

AND IT'LL GO VIRAL
THAT YOU HAVE AN STD.

OKAY, WELL,
THAT'S A LIE.

- I HAVEN'T EVEN...
- EVEN BETTER, A VIRGIN.

ABSTINENCE IS FAR WORSE
STIGMA IN PUBLIC HIGH SCHOOL.

NOTHING WILL RUIN
YOUR SOCIAL STANDING FASTER.

WHO DO YOU THINK
YOUR REAL PARENTS ARE?

BECAUSE I CAN'T
SEEM TO FIGURE IT OUT.

I SEE NOW THAT I'M A SOLDIER
STANDING IN A BATTLEFIELD

ENGAGED IN A WAR FAR WORSE
THAN ANY 18-YEAR-OLD

COULD EVEN FATHOM.

OKAY, STOP THE SOLILOQUY,
I GET IT!

YOU WANT
YOUR ROOM BACK, FINE!

BUT YOU'RE GONNA TURN
INTO A CYBORG.

YOUR HAND AND THE KEYBOARD
ARE GOING TO FUSE

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE
MORE EMBARRASSING

THAN YOU ALREADY ARE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I MEAN, NOT THAT I CARE,
BUT IN CASE MOM ASKS.

I HAVE SOME RESEARCH TO DO.

OKAY, UM, I'LL TELL HER
YOU WENT TO THE MALL,

JUST TO GIVE HER A LITTLE HOPE
YOU'RE WITHIN THE BELL CURVE.

I'M NOT GETTING PERSONAL,

BUT YOU KNOW I LIKE
TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

JAMES!

HI, SWEETHEART.

- HEY.
- HI, GRANDMA.

YOU ALL KNOW JAMES,
HE'S HOME FOR HOLIDAY BREAK.

HI, JAMES.

JAMES IS DOING RESEARCH
ON RELATIONSHIPS,

AND HE WOULD TO HAVE
OUR INPUT.

UM, YEAH, SO I HAVE SOME
QUESTIONNAIRES HERE

THAT I'M JUST GONNA PASS OUT
REALLY QUICK.

- YEAH.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.

SO, THESE QUESTIONS
I'VE PREPARED ARE BASED ON

THE MORAYS OF THE '50S
AND '60S,

SO, THEY'RE PRETTY
SELF-EXPLANATORY.

OKAY, COME ON, LET'S SIT DOWN,
SWEETHEART.

LET'S SEE WHAT
JAMES IS RESEARCHING.

"HOW OLD WERE YOU WERE YOU
WHEN YOU FIRST HAD SEX?"

OKAY.

LET ME THINK, UM...

18.

"HOW MANY PEOPLE DID YOU SLEEP
WITH BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED?"

OH.

THIS IS AWFULLY
PERSONAL, JAMES.

GRANDPA,
I REALLY NEED TO KNOW.

YEAH, ME TOO.

WELL...

NONE.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER WAS
MY HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART,

MY FIRST...

MY LAST...

MY ONLY.

- AWW.
- AWW.

"DID YOU PERSONALLY KNOW
ANY GIRLS THAT GOT PREGNANT

IN HIGH SCHOOL?"

ONLY ONE.

AH HERE'S ONE,
"WHAT MADE A GIRL ATTRACTIVE?"

WELL, THAT'S EASY.

BIG, UH... EYES.

YOU CHICKEN!

I'M A ROMANTIC,
I LOVE BIG EYES,

THEY'RE THE WINDOWS
OF THE SOUL.

WELL,
I LOVE THESE APPETIZERS.

THANK YOU,
THANKS, JOHN.

PUT THAT ON MY LIST OF WHAT
MAKES A GIRL ATTRACTIVE.

MY TURN!

"DID MEN EXPECT WOMEN TO SLEEP
WITH THEM ON THE FIRST DATE?"

WHEN YOU'RE ENGAGED,
IT'S KIND OF EXPECTED.

KAREN, IT WASN'T EXPECTED
IN OUR DAY.

YOU WERE JUST
THE TOWN SLUT.

UH, WOULD YOU BRING SOME
MORE OF THOSE POTATO CHIPS?

THEY'RE JUST GREAT.

SO, ARE YOU SAYING
IT WASN'T A CUSTOMARY THING

FOR A GIRL TO BE
PROMISCUOUS?

NO, NO, NO, IT WASN'T CUSTOMARY
FOR WOMEN TO BE PROMISCUOUS,

I MEAN, YEAH, YOU KIDS
REALLY HAVE IT MADE TODAY.

JOHN! IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT SEX,
YOU KNOW.

SORRY, SWEETHEART.

"HOW DO YOU FEEL WHEN A MAN
LEAVES YOU RIGHT AFTER SEX?"

- ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?
- NO.

I WANNA KNOW WHERE
YOU'RE GOING.

NOWHERE!

UH, JAMES, LET'S YOU AND I
HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

COME OVER HERE JUST A SECOND.

LEAVE THE COMPUTER.

WELL, UM, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME
MORE LAYS POTATO CHIPS, CAROLYN?

JAMES, WHAT'S WITH
ALL THESE QUESTIONS?

I'M JUST DOING
SOME RESEARCH.

MY SEX LIFE IS INTEGRAL
TO THIS PROCESS?

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
RELATIONSHIPS.

WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
HAVE ONE

WITH A WHOLE HUMAN BEING.

THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYING TO DO.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
ANOTHER APP IS THE ANSWER.

I WASN'T PLANNING ON
MAKING ANOTHER APP, BUT...

WHAT OTHER APP?

I DON'T MY SEX LIFE
ON SNACK-CHAT,

OR ONE OF THOSE...

WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?

WHY WOULD I WANT
GRANDMOTHER ON SNACK-CHAT?

- OH.
- I HAVE AN IDEA.

OH, NO. OH, NO.

HEY, HONEY!

WHAT WERE YOU AND GRANDPA
TALKING ABOUT?

OH, I GET IT,
BOY'S CLUB STUFF.

OKAY, WELL, THERE IS CHILI
IN THE KITCHEN

IF YOU'RE HUNGRY.

- ARE YOU EATING?
- NO, I'M GOING OUT.

- WHERE?
- UM, I DON'T KNOW,

I'M WAITING FOR A SWIPE.

MOM, I NEED TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

OH! I GOT A SWIPE!

NO, MOM,
DON'T TOUCH YOUR PHONE,

DON'T GO OUT TONIGHT,
OKAY?

HONEY, YOU'RE GOING BACK
TO SCHOOL,

I HAVE TO MEET PEOPLE,
I...

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

ANYWAYS, SHE'S CRAZY.

HEY, BUT BACK TO WHAT
I WAS SAYING,

WE ARE PLANNING TO RELEASE
A FULL BLOWN...

PUN INTENDED...

VERSION OF THE APP
IN THE SPRING, OKAY?

AND WE ARE ACTUALLY EXPECTED
TO BE VALUED AT AROUND,

I DON'T KNOW,
$250,000,000.

WHOO, AND THAT IS WHEN WE'RE
GONNA TAKE IT PUBLIC,

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.

YOU MAY WANT TO CALL
AN EXTERMINATOR FIRST, DUDE.

THE APP HAS SOME BUGS

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE,
ACTUALLY.

NO, MM-MM.

THE APP IS DOWN, MAN,
CHECK IT OUT.

HEY, JAMES!

CAN YOU COME SEE
IF YOU CAN FIX THIS?

FIX WHAT?

MY PHONE ISN'T WORKING.

I WAS ABOUT TO GET
THE ADDRESS OF WHERE

I WAS GONNA MEET UP
AND THEN IT JUST... IT'S GONE.

UH...

...ACTUALLY, NO,
NO, THE APP IS NOT DOWN.

WE'RE JUST WORKING ON AN
UPDATE, SOME BACK-END SHIT.

IT'LL BE UP REAL SOON.
A COUPLE OF DAYS AT THE MOST.

PROGRAM MUST BE DOWN.

WELL, I'LL JUST GO ON
ONE OF THE OTHER APPS, RIGHT?

I'LL JUST USE SOME OF
THE OTHER APPS.

THE OTHER APPS.

YEAH, EXCEPT THEY'RE DOWN TOO.

WHAT'S WRONG.

- THE APP.
- THE APP'S NOT WORKING.

- NO.
- IT'S NOT?

NO, IS YOURS?

HEY, UH, DID ANY OF OUR GUYS
TAKE DOWN

ALL THE HOOK-UP APPS,
BY CHANCE?

MY PLANS FOR THE NIGHT
TOTALLY RUINED.

THAT WOULD BE
SOME SERIOUS DISRUPTION.

JAMES, HONEY,
IT IS THE DARNDEST THING.

LIKE, I TOUCH IT,
AND IT DOES NOTHING.

IT JUST DOES NOTHING.

COULD YOU PLEASE FIX THIS?

MOM, I'M FIXING IT,
TRUST ME, OKAY?

I'M FIXING EVERYTHING.

CALL JAMES RIGHT NOW!
PRONTO!

YEAH, I WILL!
I NEED YOU TO STOP STRESSING.

- WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
- I'M SORRY.

EVERYTHING IS FINE,
YOU CAN RELAX.

DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THIS?

YEAH. I'M CALLING HIM.
JAMES...

MOM, UH...

LOOK, I JUST WANT
TO LET YOU KNOW

THAT I SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING
FOR ME AND ASHLEY.

TRYING TO BE FRIENDS
WITH DAD

SO THAT WE DON'T FEEL LIKE
WE'VE LOST OUR FAMILY,

BUT I JUST WANT TO LET
YOU KNOW THAT IT'S OKAY

IF YOU WANT TO BE MAD AT HIM,

AND IT'S OKAY IF YOU WANT
TO START A NEW LIFE.

NOTHING'LL CHANGE BETWEEN US.

THANKS, GUYS.

I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.
OH! WAIT!

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW
I'M MOVING BACK IN

- TO YOUR BEDROOM.
- VIRGIN.

OCD. BUT I MIGHT MISS YOU
A LITTLE.

HERE IT IS.
IT'S TEA.

VERY SPECIAL CHINESE
HERBAL TEA.

IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX,

AND IT'LL HELP YOU GET
A GREAT NIGHT'S SLEEP.

TAKE IT.
BUT DON'T TAKE TOO MUCH.

I MEAN, IT'S ALL-NATURAL,
BUT I DON'T KNOW

HOW STRONG IT IS.

BYE, SWEETIE.

WHO'S CALLING YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

MUST BE IMPORTANT,
IT'S RINGING NON-STOP.

UH, YEAH.
YEAH, IT IS.

- YO!
- HEY!

"JUNGLE" IS STILL DOWN, DUDE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU ARE NOT GONNA GET PAID
TO GET INTO M.I.T.

UNLESS IT'S UP
IN AN HOUR.

COME ON, JAMES,
THIS IS KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.

YEAH, THE OTHER HOOK-UP APPS ARE STILL DOWN.

HEY, WE'RE GONNA
TIE YOU TO THE DESK

UNTIL YOU FIX THIS, BRO!

WELL, I CAN UNLOCK IT
WITH THIS.

HOW THE HELL DID YOU
LEARN HOW TO LOCK PICK?

MY CELLMATE TAUGHT ME.

- OH, THERE WE GO!
- WHOA-HO-HO!

CELLMATE? WHAT?

HANNAH! HANNAH!

JAMES, WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?

I'M TRYING TO RUN
FROM MY ROOMMATE

AND I NEED A PLACE TO STAY,
PLEASE.

- LANCE?
- YES.

OKAY, YOU BET
I'M HELPING YOU WITH THIS.

- FOLLOW ME.
- OKAY.

WAIT, HANNAH, HANNAH.

UM, ONE DAY I'M GONNA
DO SOMETHING

THAT'LL EARN
YOUR TRUST BACK.

JAMES, YOU DON'T HAVE
TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

- I'M OKAY WITH HELPING YOU.
- WHY?

WHY AM I OKAY
WITH HELPING YOU?

NO, WHY ARE YOU SO SHY?

IT'S OKAY.
YOU CAN TELL ME.

JAMES, I HAD A REALLY
BAD STUTTER,

AND WHEN I GET NERVOUS
AND I TRY TO TALK

IN FRONT OF A LOT OF PEOPLE
SOMETIMES IT COMES BACK,

AND I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO STOP IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU DON'T
TALK MUCH IN CLASS

EVEN THOUGH
YOU KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS?

YEAH.

- HI.
- HI.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO
DOING TOGETHER?

OKAY, LOOK, JAMES NEEDS
A PLACE TO HIDE.

ONLY FOR A FEW HOURS,
HOPEFULLY.

MAYBE HE CAN HELP US STUDY?

HAVE A BETTER IDEA,

IF YOU MAKE US AN APP,
LIKE, "JUNGLE FOR GIRLS"

I JUST MIGHT LET YOU
STAY HERE.

IT'S A GOOD IDEA.

"JUNGLE" REALLY
MESSED ME UP.

GUYS, WE KNOW THAT LANCE
MADE "JUNGLE"

AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE HIM
REGRET IT.

YES, AND I'M KIND OF
RETIRING FROM APPS FOR NOW.

OKAY, SO THE ANSWER IS NO.

I MEAN, RIGHT AFTER
I MAKE YOUR APP.

I THOUGHT HE WAS FIXING
"JUNGLE."

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID
HE WAS DOING, MAN.

WHERE IS HE, LANCE?
THIS IS KIND OF AN EMERGENCY.

YEAH, THE OTHER HOOK-UP APPS
ARE STILL DOWN.

OH, THIS IS BAD,
THIS IS REALLY BAD.

SHOULD WE CALL 9-1-1?

THIS IS COMPLICATED SHIT.
HOLY CRAP!

- ARE YOU GONNA EAT THAT?
- YEAH.

WELL, THERE'S MOLD ON IT
SO BE CAREFUL, BUD.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M JUST THINKING

OF MAYBE WE DO SOME WAY
TO ORGANIZE

ALL OF THIS INFORMATION.

- MAYBE REBUILD, OR...
- YOU'RE GONNA REBUILD THE APP?

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I'LL HIRE
SOMEONE TO DO IT, MAN. YEAH.

COME ON, MAN!
IT'S MY CONCEPT,

THIS IS FREAKING APP,
IT'S JUST...

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, SO JAMES
IS HERE BECAUSE HE HAS AGREED

TO CREATE A RELATIONSHIP APP
FOR YOU GUYS, SO...

OKAY.

OKAY. UM...

GIRLS, HOW YOU DOING?
ARE YOU HAPPY?

I MEAN,
I LIKED MY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

I MEAN, ARE YOU SATISFIED
WITH LIFE?

I HAVE TO STUDY FOR A TEST.
SORRY.

HOW'S YOUR LOVE LIFE?

BY LOVE, I MEAN LOVE.

NOT SEX.

HONESTLY?
NOT TOO GOOD.

MINE'S GREAT.
I'M NEVER LONELY.

INVITED OUT EVERY NIGHT.

HE SAID LOVE, NOT SEX.
ZIP IT, HOOK.

DO YOU FEEL LIKE GUYS ARE USING
YOU AS JUST A PIECE OF MEAT?

- THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.
- ARE YOU A PSYCH MAJOR?

DO YOU WANT A GUY TO PURSUE YOU FOR
MORE THAN JUST A SWIPE OF HIS FINGER?

YEAH.

ARE YOU SELLING SOME
SPECIAL MAKEUP OR SOMETHING?

OR UNDERWEAR?

NO, I'M NOT SELLING A SPECIAL
KIND OF MAKEUP OR UNDERWEAR.

I'M TRYING
TO TURN THINGS AROUND.

GIRLS, I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU
GET YOUR POWER BACK.

WHAT KIND OF POWER
IS HE TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT MAYBE HE'S ONTO SOMETHING.

LOOK, MY SPECIALTY
IS ALGORITHMS.

NOW, I KNOW THAT MAY NOT
SOUND LIKE MUCH,

BUT IN FACT ALGORITHMS
AND BIOLOGY WORK HAND IN HAND.

I HAVE THIS APP
AND I'D LIKE TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

I KNEW HE WAS
SELLING SOMETHING.

NO, I'M NOT SELLING ANYTHING.
I'M HERE TO GIVE, NOT SELL.

- SO WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- THE CATCH IS...

THAT IF I GIVE THIS APP TO YOU
AND EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW IT WORKS,

THEN IT'S UP TO YOU
TO LET IT WORK.

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

SEE, IT MEANS THAT
WHEN YOU'RE DATING A GUY...

SWEETHEART,
LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

NONE OF US
HAVE BEEN ON A DATE.

- WELL, SINCE WHEN?
- SINCE EVER.

NONE OF YOU?

GUYS NOWADAYS
DON'T DATE YOU.

- THEY JUST SLEEP WITH YOU.
- THEN LET'S CHANGE THAT.

- HOW?
- WITH MY APP

AND WITH YOUR COOPERATION.

AND THE COOPERATION
OF YOUR SISTERS

ON EVERY COLLEGE CAMPUS.

HANNAH? WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE IDEA?

DO YOU LIKE IT?

HONESTLY, NO, I DON'T.

I DON'T THINK THAT AN APP IS THE
PROPER SOLUTION FOR RELATIONSHIPS.

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I WAS JUST
BORN IN THE WRONG CENTURY.

I AGREE.

NO WONDER YOU HAVE
NO CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON.

OH, THERE HE IS.

- HEY, GUYS.
- WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?

UH, MEETING.

HEY, YOU'RE GROUNDED
UNTIL "JUNGLE" IS FIXED

- WHAT?
- YEP.

I'M TRYING TO GET IT BACK UP,
GUYS.

I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

WHILE YOU'RE HAVING A HARD TIME,
I'M GETTING DEATH THREATS

FOR TAKING DOWN
THE HOOKUP APPS.

PEOPLE THINK I DID IT
AS A PUBLICITY STUNT.

THEY THINK
THAT HE BUILT THE APP

'CAUSE HE DIDN'T.
THAT'S WHY IT'S FUNNY.

THEY THINK
THAT I BUILT "JUNGLE."

THEY THINK THAT
I CAN TAKE DOWN THE HOOKUP APPS.

YEAH, YOU DIDN'T BUILD
"JUNGLE," THOUGH.

NO, I CREATED IT.
IT WAS MY IDEA.

SHH.

JAMES, YOU NEED TO GET "JUNGLE"
BACK UP RIGHT NOW.

OUR LIVES ARE ON THE LINE
RIGHT NOW, OKAY?

AND ANOTHER THING.
DON'T JUDGE ME.

I'M STRESS EATING.
IT'S A REAL DISORDER.

GOOGLE IT.

OKAY, CALM DOWN.

WE'RE JUST GONNA
TAKE A CHILL PILL.

GUYS, IF YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS,
I'M GONNA NEED MY ROOM BACK.

NO, WE ARE GOING
TO SIT RIGHT HERE

AND WATCH YOU
UNTIL YOU GET THIS DONE.

OKAY, IF YOU WANNA GET PAID
FOR M.I.T.,

THEN YOU BETTER GET THIS THING
BACK UP AND RUNNING, STAT.

NO, I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA SIT RIGHT THERE

AND YOU'RE GONNA WORK.

RIGHT NOW.
GO AHEAD.

VAMOS. OH, NO,
I'LL TAKE THAT.

ALL RIGHT,
GET TO WORK.

NO, STOP IT.
SPIT IT OUT.

YOU HAVE ANY MORE?
AH. GOSH, YOU'RE SO WEIRD.

- LANCE?
- YES.

I'D LIKE SOME TEA PLEASE.
WITH HONEY.

YEAH, OKAY.

I MAKE HIM TEA AND HONEY
SO THAT HE CAN WORK.

YOU KNOW? HE'S SICK,
SO I DON'T WANT HIM TO...

- THAT'S CUTE.
- I'D DO IT FOR YOU GUYS.

I'D LIKE THIS ONE, PLEASE.

MY MOM GAVE IT TO ME

SO I CAN STAY UP LATE
AT NIGHT.

IT KEEPS ME UP
SO I CAN STUDY.

- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, DOUBLE STRENGTH, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW.
I WANNA GET THIS DONE TONIGHT.

OKAY.

LANCE.
I'LL TAKE ONE, TOO.

JUST SO I CAN STAY UP,

BE ALERT,
READY TO POUNCE.

ACTUALLY, SIGN ME UP, TOO.

I WANT ONE. AND SOME COFFEE.
AND SOME DONUTS.

RIGHT. YOU WANT ME TO THROW ON AN
APRON AND A STRING OF PEARLS, TOO?

AS LONG AS THE APRON SAYS
"HOME, SWEET HOME."

- YEAH?
- YEAH.

- YOU GUYS ARE RIDICULOUS. JUST WATCH HIM, OKAY?
- YEAH.

OH, SHIT. HEY, WESLEY.

HE'S GONE. WESLEY!

HE'S GONE.

- HUH?
- HE'S GONE.

- WAKE UP!
- OH, WHAT?

- HE GOT OUT!
- COME ON, DUDE!

HEY. LOOK. IT LOOKS LIKE I'M
GONNA HAVE TO STAY THE NIGHT.

- WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
- WHAT?

WE HAD A BET ON HOW LONG
IT WOULD TAKE FOR YOU

TO TRY TO SLEEP
WITH ONE OF US,

ESPECIALLY AFTER YOUR
PHONY SPEECH AND ALL.

WHAT? NO, THE SPEECH, THE APP,
IT WAS ALL REAL.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
- I JUST NEED A PLACE TO STAY FOR THE NIGHT.

SO, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU DON'T WANNA
SLEEP WITH ME?

NO, I NEVER...
NO, I DON'T... I REALLY...

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GAY.

I'M NOT GAY. WHY DOES
EVERYBODY HERE THINK THAT?

- YOU LIKE GIRLS?
- YES, I LIKE...

I LIKE HANNAH.

HEY, IT'S ALL SETTLED.

HE CAN STAY.

- COME ON.
- THANK YOU.

SERIOUSLY, LOOK,
I DON'T TAKE UP MUCH SPACE.

I JUST NEED MAYBE
A CLOSET OR SOMETHING.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

NO, THERE'S
A GUEST ROOM UPSTAIRS.

SERIOUSLY?

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING,

AND I DO MEAN ANYTHING,

HANNAH WILL HELP YOU.

LOOK, AND IF ANYONE
COMES LOOKING FOR ME,

DON'T LET THEM IN.

I WON'T LET ANYONE IN.

GOOD NIGHT, HANNAH.

GOOD NIGHT, JAMES.

OH, UH, HANNAH.

I'M... JAMES WILSON SINGER.

JAMES WILSON SINGER.

I LIKE THAT.

GOOD.
WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?

I'M HANNAH GRACE MARTIN.

THAT FITS YOU.

KIND OF EMBODIES YOUR EYES

AND YOUR HAIR AND YOUR HANDS
ALL IN ONE SENTENCE.

IT'S... I DON'T KNOW,
LIKE A SONG.

GOOD NIGHT, JAMES.

GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU.

SO WHY CAN'T WE
LET THEM IN?

BECAUSE THEY WANT
TO KILL HIM.

YEAH, WE GOTTA
KEEP HIM ALIVE

SO HE CAN HELP US
FINISH THE APP

AND TEACH US HOW TO TAKE
OUR POWER BACK.

WELL, I GUESS
HE CAN SHOW US

HOW TO MAKE GUYS
TALK TO US

LIKE HE DID TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, THIS SORORITY IS FINALLY
TAKING ON A WORTHWHILE PROJECT,

AND I FOR ONE AM EXCITED.

STOP! STOP!
STOP! STOP! STOP!

THERE HE IS,
RIGHT THERE IN THE WINDOW.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

LET US IN.

HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WE WANT JAMES.

BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM.

CAN YOU JUST LET US
INTO THE HOUSE? PLEASE?

NO, I CAN'T
AND IF YOU DON'T LEAVE,

I'M GONNA CALL
CAMPUS SECURITY.

OH, REALLY? WELL,
WE HAVE A KEY TO THIS SORORITY.

ONE OF YOU BIMBOS GAVE IT TO ME,
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER.

WELL, THEN COME RIGHT IN,
SWEETHEART.

YOU WANT HIM,
COME AND GET HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? W-WE GOT
THIS THING WITH THE STUFF.

SO WE'RE GONNA
JUST HEAD OUT,

BUT IT'S GOOD TO
SEE YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GIRLS
COULD USE YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP ANYWAY.

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA...

YOU LOOK...
YOU LOOK GOOD.

WESLEY!

OKAY, LADIES,

HOW ABOUT
WE JUST TALK THIS OUT

OVER BREAKFAST TOMORROW ON ME.

COFFEE AND BAGELS, LANCE?

HOW ABOUT A GIFT CARD
TO BAGEL BOYS.

THEY'RE INSANE. RUN!

DANIEL: DON'T TOUCH ME!

COFFEE AND BAGELS.

WHAT DID YOU SHOCK ME
LIKE THAT FOR?

INTERNAL BLEEDING.

LANCE,
THOSE FEMALES HATE YOU.

THEY HATE US. NOT ME.
WHAT IS THAT?

OKAY, WHAT THE EFF
HAPPENED BACK THERE?

I MEAN, WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WERE THEY DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHY YOU LOOKING AT ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

I KNOW.

WHAT... WHAT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BRO, IT'S OBVIOUS.
OKAY?

ONE, ALL THE HOOKUP APPS
ARE DOWN.

TWO, JAMES IS NOW LIVING
IN A SORORITY HOUSE.

JUST PUT THEM TOGETHER.

YOU THINK THOSE
ARE ACTUALLY CONNECTED HERE?

OF COURSE.

OH, YEAH,
THERE'S A CONNECTION.

HE'S GOT ALL THE CHICKS,
AND WE DON'T.

WHAT IF HE'S JUST,
YOU KNOW,

WORKING ON SOMETHING
FOR US.

HE'S A GENIUS. THIS COULD BE SOMETHING
BIGGER AND BETTER FOR ALL OF US.

THAT'S STUPID, LANCE.
STUPID.

HE WANTS
ALL THE GIRLS TO HIMSELF.

HE'S GREEDY LIKE THAT.

OH, MY GOD.
THEY, LIKE, LOVE HIM.

I KNOW. DID YOU SEE
THE WAY THAT THEY

THREW THOSE WEAPONS OUT
JUST TO DEFEND HIM?

BRO, THOSE WEAPONS
WERE TO KILL US.

THAT HAIR BRUSH
WAS TO BEAT US, MAIM US.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, I THINK
THOSE ARE THE SAME THING.

OKAY, LOOK.
WE NEED A NEW PLAN, OBVIOUSLY.

- FIGURE ONE OUT...
- SHH.

NO. NO, NO, NO,
YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT, OKAY?

JAMES IS NOW LIVING
IN THE SORORITY HOUSE.

WE CALL THEM
SORORITY SISTERS.

THEY'RE ALL OF
THE TEAM CAPTAINS.

ALL BY HIMSELF.

HE'S IN THERE
WITH ALL OF THEM BY HIMSELF.

AND GUESS WHERE WE ARE?
WE'RE OUT HERE.

AS A RESULT OF YOUR PLAN,
LANCE,

WE'RE IN ICE.
FRIGID COLD. OKAY?

WE WILL MAKE A NEW PLAN,
OKAY?

- FINE.
- GOT IT.

- I HAVE AN IDEA.
- LET'S GO.

IT'S GONNA INVOLVE TWO CATS,
A PARACHUTE, AND A PLANE.

GOD, MELODY HASN'T
TEXTED ME BACK SINCE...

NO ONE CARES. JUST STOP.

HEY, RACHEL.

SO WE STILL DOWN FOR TONIGHT?

IF YOU WANNA SEE ME,
WESLEY,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO ASK ME OUT

ONE WEEK IN ADVANCE
AND TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER

SO WE CAN TALK AND GET TO
KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.

- WHAT?!
- LAUREN, WE STILL ON FOR TONIGHT?

- FOR WHAT?
- FOR WHAT? YOU KNOW FOR WHAT. COME ON NOW.

THE FRIENDS-WITH-BENEFITS PROGRAM
HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN DISCONTINUED.

TRY FLATTERY.
THAT'S ON WOMEN SINCE EVE.

YOU LOOK SO NICE, RACHEL.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, LAUREN.
BOTOX HELPS.

NOW I SEE YOU FINALLY LOST
THOSE FIVE POUNDS

YOU WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT,
MELODY.

WHAT?
IT'S A COMPLEMENT.

NO, IT WASN'T.
MINE WAS.

WE JUST... WE NEED TO FORGET
ABOUT WOMEN FOR A WHILE

BECAUSE MY GRADE IN CS
DEPENDS HIGHLY ON THIS APP.

OKAY, JUST TELL THEM THAT
YOU'RE WORKING ON AN UPDATE.

"JUNGLE" 2.0.

OKAY.

NICE, JAMES.
GOOD.

HEY, LANCE, WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH "JUNGLE"?

UM, UH...

WE'RE WORKING
ON AN UPDATE RIGHT NOW,

AND THE NEW AND IMPROVED
VERSION OF "JUNGLE"

WILL BE RELEASED
AS SOON AS IT'S DONE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
SHARE WITH THE CLASS

THE WORKFLOW PROCESS
IT TAKES

TO DEBUG AND DEVELOP
AN UPDATE?

THE ONLY THING IS THAT...

SPEAK UP, LANCE.

THE REST OF THE CLASS
WANTS TO TAKE DETAILED NOTES.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE IN VIOLATION
OF THE NDA THAT WE AGREED.

I EXPECT BY THE END OF TODAY

TO HAVE A FULL-PAGE OUTLINE

OF YOUR WORKFLOW PROCESS.
ALL RIGHT?

WAIT, AND SORRY.
I FORGET.

DID YOU TELL ME THAT NASA
COMMISSIONED "JUNGLE"?

MM-HMM, YEAH,
THAT'S RIGHT.

YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT
WILL PROBABLY BE WHAT,

STUDYING THE MATING RITUALS
ON MARS?

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY, CLASS.
HAVE A GOOD ONE.

THERE THEY ARE.

I THINK WE SHOULD
CALL A PRESS CONFERENCE.

- WHAT?
- YEAH.

TELL THE WORLD
WHO REALLY CREATED "JUNGLE."

SMART. SMART.

HEY. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
POPS,

WHAT'S THE NUMBER
TO YOUR PUBLICIST?

I GOT SOME ROCKIN' NEWS
I WANNA TELL THEM.

YEAH, OKAY, PRE-MED'S FINE.
THANKS FOR ASKING.

ALL RIGHT. I LOVE YOU. JUST
TEXT ME THE NUMBER. YEAH. BYE.

HE HAS TO TAKE ME
TO MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT.

AND NOT ASK ME FOR MY CREDIT
CARD SO I CAN PAY FOR IT.

AND NOT ASK THE WAITRESS
FOR HER NUMBER IN FRONT OF ME.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
CALL THE APP, JAMES?

WHAT DO YOU GIRLS THINK
OF "EVE"?

EVE.
THE FIRST WOMAN.

HANNAH, WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE
TO DO TO EARN YOUR TRUST?

A GUY SHOULD BE HONEST.

IF HE'S A LIAR,
THAT'S A DEAL BREAKER.

HE SHOULD TELL ME THE TRUTH

REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT
WILL HURT MY FEELINGS OR NOT.

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE UNREALISTIC,
THOUGH, HANNAH?

OKAY, CLEARLY WE UNDERESTIMATED
JAMES HERE, LIKE, BIG TIME.

NO, IT'S CLEAR
THAT JAMES IS A DICK

AND A BACKSTABBER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
MAKES HIM TICK?

- UM, THAT NERDY CHICK, FOUR-EYES...
- HANNAH.

YEAH, YEAH, HANNAH.

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT HER?

WELL, HER FULL NAME'S
HANNAH MARTIN,

AND SHE KEEPS A LOW PROFILE.

NO, SHE KEEPS A "NO" PROFILE.

SHE'S NOT ON ANY
OF THE DATING APPS.

NO, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

NO, NO, NO,
IT'S NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

IT'S VERY POSSIBLE.

SHE'S OFF THE GRID.

OKAY, LADIES,

EVERYONE TURN OFF
THEIR CELL PHONES,

THEIR TABLETS,
AND THEIR LAPTOPS.

WE'RE GONNA TRY
OUR VERY BEST TO CONCENTRATE...

...ON JAMES

BECAUSE HE HAS SOMETHING'S
VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL US.

HE'S BEEN STUDYING US

AND LISTENING
TO WHAT WE WANT FROM MEN,

AND HE'S
ABOUT TO REVEAL TO US

TO ULTIMATE APP.

WHERE'S HANNAH?

SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA BE LATE,

SO WE CAN GO AHEAD
AND START WITHOUT HER.

OKAY.

LADIES, IT'S BEEN A REAL EYE-OPENER
LIVING WITH YOU ALL THESE DAYS.

AND I THINK IF FINALLY DISCOVERED
THE ULTIMATE DATING APP,

AND I'D LIKE TO PRESENT IT
TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

NEWS FLASH,
THE HOOKUP APPS ARE BACK UP.

- GET OFF OF ME.
- YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO HAVE YOUR PHONE ON.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA LISTEN TO JAMES

AND DECIDE
WHICH APP IS BETTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU ARE THE APP.

LOOK, I KNOW ALGORITHMS.
I KNOW BIOLOGY.

BUT THERE'S NOTHING
THAT I CAN CODE, INVENT,

OR CREATE

THAT EQUALS WHAT GOD HAS
ALREADY CREATED INSIDE OF YOU.

JAMES, THE GUYS DECIDE
WHICH APPS RULE.

NO, SEE,
THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG.

YOU DECIDE.

IF NONE OF THE GIRLS
ARE ON THE APPS,

WHERE ARE THE GUYS GONNA GO?

GIRLS, YOU HAVE THE POWER.

DON'T GIVE THAT UP.

IT'S LIKE FIFTH-WAVE FEMINISM.

I LIKE IT.

TIFFANY MOVED OUT.

I ASKED HER TO MOVE OUT.

MAN, SEEING YOU
ON THAT DATE,

IT JUST...
IT JUST DID SOMETHING TO ME.

OKAY, YOU SPIED ON ME?

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, LISTEN.
CAN'T WE START FRESH?

NOW FOR SOME
NEWS FROM OUR TECH BUREAU....

TAKE YOU
ON A SECOND HONEYMOON.

I PROMISE YOU I WILL MAKE IT UP
TO YOU THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- YEAH, YOU WILL.
- ...COLLEGE FRESHMAN NAMED JAMES SINGER.

THE REPORT ALSO STATES
THAT JAMES SINGER...

WHAT IS THAT?
IS THAT YOUR RADIO?

WHAT, "JUNGLE"?
WHAT THE...

...I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT YOU REALLY HURT MY SOCIAL LIFE TOO.

I KNEW HE WAS MY BOY.
WHO NEEDS A PATERNITY TEST?

IN BASKETBALL, THE COURTS
WERE BUSY LAST NIGHT...

DID YOU SEE THAT?

WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M CONFUSED.

DID JAMES MAKE THE APP?

OR DID HE TAKE DOWN
THE APPS?

BOTH.
HE'S A GENIUS.

THEY SAY THAT GENIUS MANIFESTS
ITSELF EVERY OTHER GENERATION.

WHAT?

YOUR BROTHER
INVENTED "JUNGLE"?

HE'S WAY COOL.

I KNOW.

JAMES SINGER.

I KNEW IT.

IS HE THE CRAZY KID
WHO KEPT CALLING ME?

WAY TO GO, JAMES.

THINK WE NEED TO MAKE
A DETOUR TO SEE THIS GUY.

HEY, HANNAH,
YOU GOT A SECOND?

NO, ROB,
I'M LATE TO A MEETING.

- WE NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT.
- WHAT?

- IT'S ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

DID YOU EVER SET UP
AN ACCOUNT ON "JUNGLE"?

- NO.
- WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT'S DISGUSTING.

OH, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU.

A REAL PERV
MUST'VE DREAMT THAT UP.

YEAH, LANCE DREAMT IT UP.

WHOA, OKAY, YOU ACTUALLY
THINK THAT I HAVE THE SKILLS

TO CREATE AN APP
LIKE JUNGLE?

I DON'T THINK
YOU HAVE THE SKILLS

TO OPEN A BAG
OF POTATO CHIPS

WITHOUT FRICK AND FRACK HERE
ASSISTING YOU.

HONEY.

IT'S HANNAH.

HANNAH, JAMES DEVELOPED
"JUNGLE."

NO, HE DIDN'T.

EXCEPT THAT HE DID.

- SO...
- WHATEVER.

- COME ON.
- PEACE.

COME ON, HANNAH.
JAMES IS EXPLAINING THE APP.

HANNAH, WHAT'S WRONG?

JAMES, ARE YOU THE CREATOR
OF "JUNGLE"?

- NO.
- I'M SO RELIEVED.

I'M THE CODER OF "JUNGLE."

- WHAT?
- THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- YOU'VE BEEN STAYING AT OUR PLACE!

YOU HELPED LANCE
MAKE "JUNGLE"?

HANNAH, IT'S NOT
LIKE THAT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHO CARES,
GUYS? HE'S HELPING US NOW.

- THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.
- I AGREE.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU
BUILD AN APP

BASED ON EVERYTHING YOU GUYS
TOLD ME YOU WANTED.

JAMES, I JUST STARTED
TO TRUST YOU AGAIN.

- AND THEN YOU LIE TO ME?
- I DID IT BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE WITH SOMEONE.

YEAH, I CALL FOUL.
THIS IS NOT COOL, JAMES.

SOMEONE CONVINCED ME THAT
IF ALL THE GUYS WERE ON THE APP,

THEN ALL THE GIRLS
WOULD HAVE TO BE, TOO, BUT...

BUT WHAT?

THE GIRL I REALLY, REALLY LIKE
DIDN'T GO ON IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU
SHUT IT DOWN?

YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO SHUT IT DOWN, RIGHT?

YES, I TOOK IT DOWN,

BUT I TOOK IT DOWN

'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT
MY MOTHER USING IT.

YOUR MOM?

WHAT?

TURNS OUT...

CONNECTING ISN'T JUST HARD
FOR US.

IT'S HARD FOR EVERYONE.

SO YOU MADE "JUNGLE"
FOR LOVE.

I MADE "JUNGLE" BECAUSE SOMEONE
PROMISED MY WAY TO M.I.T.

AND, YES...

BECAUSE I LOVE HANNAH.

IF YOU DON'T KISS HIM
RIGHT NOW,

- I'M GONNA ASK HIM TO MARRY ME.
- I'LL BEAT YOU TO IT.

COME ON, HANNAH.
HE JUST SAID HE LOVES YOU

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE GIRLS.

I'M NOT GONNA
SING IT TO YOU.

JAMES, I...

- OH, GOOD NIGHT, TEACH.
- GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.

OH, HEY, LANCE.
I FORGOT.

I NEED TO SEE YOU
AT 4:00 TOMORROW

TO GO OVER NEXT TERM.

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"NEXT TERM"?

YEAH, YOU'RE REPEATING
MY CLASS.

LOOKS LIKE YOUR
PLAN BACKFIRED, BRO.

AS MUCH AS
I WAS LOOKING FORWARD

TO SEEING HER EVERY SINGLE DAY
NEXT SEMESTER,

I THINK I MIGHT ACTUALLY
CHANGE MY MAJOR TO BUSINESS.

REALLY?

YEAH, "JUNGLE"
WENT REALLY WELL.

IT ALSO DIED.

YEAH, WELL, WE KILLED IT
FOR A SECOND THERE.

I MEANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT SOMETHING.

YEAH, MAN, WHAT'S UP?

WOULD YOU MIND TAKING STEPS
BACK FROM RACHEL FOR ME?

I THINK I REALLY
LIKE HER.

- LIES. BLATANT LIES.
- LOOK AT THOSE EYES, MAN.

SEE, THIS GUY'S
IN LOVE, MAN.

- HE'S HEAD OVER HEALS.
- SERIOUSLY.

WOULD YOU...
WOULD YOU MIND?

FOR YOU?
HELL YEAH. TOTALLY.

THANKS, BROTHER.

PLOT TWIST,
HE DOES HAVE A SOUL.

OH, SHUT UP, YOU GUYS.

SEE YOU LATER.

JUST WALK IN THERE...

AND TALK TO HER.

UH, HEY, RACHEL.

YOU GOT A SECOND?
CAN I TALK TO YOU?

ASK YOU A QUESTION?

I'M LATE FOR CLASS.

OKAY, WELL,
HOW ABOUT I WALK YOU?

I GUESS SO.

HERE, LET ME
TAKE YOUR BOOKS.

I KNOW YOU'RE
NOT USED TO THEM.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION?

UM, I WAS WONDERING
IF MAYBE

YOU'D WANNA GO TO DINNER
WITH ME ON FRIDAY?

IS THAT A YES?
A NO?

MAYBE? POSSIBLY?
KINDA? NOT REALLY?

- IT'S A MAYBE.
- OKAY.

OKAY, I CAN TAKE A MAYBE.
I'LL TAKE A MAYBE.

WHY DON'T WE, UH...

WE CAN GET MARRIED
ON THE ROOF RIGHT THERE.

TOO FAST... OR YOU AFRAID
OF HEIGHT... TOO FAST? OKAY.

OKAY, WE'LL TAKE IT BACK...

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