Sweethearts (1997) - full transcript

When a man goes on a blind date, he gets more than he bargains for as she is a manic-depressive who is carrying a gun and contemplating suicide and perhaps homicide.

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[answering machine beeps]

Hello. I'm Charles,

and I'm looking
for the perfect woman,

uh, for me.

She's got to be
tall, blond,

great body,
killer smile,

and good teeth.

Good teeth
are really important.

I had a terrible incident
with pyorrhea once,

and I'd rather not
get into it.

Are you out there?

I'm waiting for you.


[English accent]
Hi. My name is Colin.

I'm an actor, and, uh...

It's funny. I feel as though
I'm doing a voice-over here,

except I'm not
getting paid for it.

I'm good-looking,
witty, charming.

I like myself, and
I hope you'll like me, too.

No. Don't get me wrong.
I'm not a narcissist,

just someone
who has a healthy ego

and a deep appreciation
of himself.

I do want
to hear from you,

so call me.


Man: Hi. I've never
done this before.

My name's Bob.

I really like music.

I'm really
into alternative bands.


Hi. This is Chris.

Basically, what I'm
looking for is a smart--


Hi. This is Adam.

Thanks for responding
to my ad.

Women tend to get upset,
you know,

when guys only think of them
for their bodies, but--


Hi. I'm Eric.

They say there's
a lot of fish in the sea,

but most of the women
that I meet are tuna fish.


Hi. I'm arliss.

Thanks for responding
to my ad.

I'm dying to meet
someone who's nice,



full of life--

someone who's secure enough
not to wear any makeup

and who loves to wear
summer dresses.

I'm a nice guy myself--
attractive, stable,

financially secure--

ok, let's back up
to "attractive."

I don't know about that,

but I'm stable,
financially secure,

ready to settle down.

So tell me about yourself--

what you do,
what you look like,

your name, number,

a good time to call you.

Hey, who knows?
We might hit it off.



Woman: To leave a message
for this person,

press zero now.


♪ Run all the engines

♪ I'm tired and tangled

♪ says the way
of all things ♪

♪ block all the passages

♪ shut all the doors

♪ then the tigers get in

♪ when you rest your head
on the pillow ♪

♪ dreams map the road
that you follow ♪

♪ there is a light
at the end of the tunnel ♪

♪ says the way
of all things ♪

♪ yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪

♪ this is the way
of all things ♪

♪ I've tried yoga

♪ I've tried
meditation ♪

♪ I've tried everything

♪ I've been silent
for days on end ♪

♪ no, but the word
still looks thin ♪


objects in mirror are better
looking than they appear.

You better hope,
god damn it.


Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine.

What kind of name
is Jasmine?


Jasmine. Hope that's
the way you spell it.

You know, Jasmine,
I really hope

you're not
some kind of freak.

Of course,
who am I kidding?

Arliss. What kind of name
is arliss?

Arliss is a good name.
Arliss is an all right name.

Sounds masculine.

Sounds like Alice, but...

Let's move on.

So, uh...

Jasmine, what do you do?

Wow, that's fascinating.

No. Yeah?

And there's 4 of you
in the office?

Wow, that's great.
That's fantastic.


Oh, I don't know. I consider
myself a vagabond.

I spend a lot of time
talking to myself, actually.

A whole lot of time.
I'm considered lonely.

I'm a lot lonely,

and, henceforth, the call.


No. I've been
in relationships

that I've not been
crazy about.

Monica, this one girl,

who actually is
one of those relationships

where you, like,
fall in love with her,

and then
she's, like, insane,

and you don't realize it
for a long, long time

until they move in.

And, of course,

she had a lot of furniture,

and we used a majority
of her furniture,

and, uh...

Not that
that's a bad thing.

I mean,
all of her stuff matches.

None of my stuff

because my stuff is, like,
"hey, are you using that?

No? Can I have it?"

So it turned into that,
you know?

But she was one of these
girls that would just...

Got really emotional

and would start
throwing stuff at me,

like in the middle
of a fight.

Her veins would, like,
pop out of her head,

and just spit and stuff
and, like, beet red.

So, uh...

I don't know.

It's just one of
those things. I--i...

You know what? You really
need to just shut up.

You either need
to shave or talk, ok?

Or get, like,
a dog or something

that you can
throw something at,

and it'll bring it back.

That's what you need.

God, I don't know.

Jasmine, please--

just bear with me and
give me a little time here

and don't be a freak.

Please don't be a freak.

Ah. Ok. All righty.

Game over.

That hurts.

Jasmine, have you worked
at red cross at all?

♪ To the corner
of the market ♪

♪ place your wage

♪ to the price

♪ to the China

How you doing?

♪ And you sell off

♪ till you break

♪ all your fingers

♪ in the honey pot

♪ it's empty

♪ fall together

♪ pretty boys

♪ don't you cry

do you know
what you want?


Hello. Hey.

Do you know
what you want?


Oh, I was standing
on a stool.

Don't be scared
of the 6-foot Asian.


6-foot Asian.
That's funny.

Unless you're Chinese.

Oh, so I'm Chinese now?

No. That's not
what I meant.

It's just that most of
the Chinese I've seen

are on television,


Why don't you order before
you dig yourself any deeper?

All right.

I'll just have
a cappuccino, please.

Double or single?



I knew that about you.



You are such a single.

Guys come in here all the time
asking for doubles,

and they don't know

what they're
getting themselves into.

A double is
a lot of commitment.

It can keep you up
all night.

Not everyone can handle it.

Can you?

It's coffee.

I think I can handle it.

And I'd like to handle
a scone, too, please.

I hope you know what
you're getting yourself into.

I hope so, too.

♪ From the land of wine
and plenty ♪

♪ send your résumé

♪ we'll call you
back, Jack ♪

♪ fall together

♪ right now

♪ over me


Shit, shit, shit.

Here's what
you're looking for.


Woman: You seem
kind of nervous.

Are you waiting
for somebody?


A little.

You know
what they look like?

Is it a she?


You don't know
what she looks like?

That could be her.

What if that's her?

Or her?

Am I making it worse?

You could just tell me
to fuck off.

Fuck off.

I'm sorry.

You're going
to get an ulcer.

I've already had an ulcer.

Would you excuse me?


to the right.

Oh, um...

What if she comes in
when you're gone?

I'm just going to be a second.
I'll be right back.

I'm going to save
your seat.


[Rock music playing]

[Line ringing]

Answering machine:
Hi. This is arliss.

Please leave a message,
and I'll call you back.


Machine: You have
no messages.


God damn it.



Hello, Tiffany.

I'm sorry.
Where were we?

We were cut off.

My name is Charles.


I like...

Long walks
on the beach and...

Uhh! And black and white

Dear Tiffany...

Ohh. I've never written
a letter like this before.

Oh, Tiffany.


Hey, how you doing?

Woman: Uh-huh.

Colleen's here already.


I know.

Where have you been?

Uh, nowhere.

You got a huge stain
on your pants.

Yeah, I know.
It was him.

How so?

Well, when I was upstairs
in the bathroom,

he was in a stall,
and he was...

He was stirring

He was beating...

He was beating eggs,
was he?

Actually, he was
jacking himself--

he was masturbating?


Did you get aroused?

No. Absolutely not.

Why are we even having
this conversation?

Did you look at it?

No. No.
Uh-uh. No.

I thought you guys
checked each other out.

No. We're not dogs,
you know.

Ok. I'm not accusing you
of being a dog.

Don't get agitated.

No. I'm not agitated.
It's just that I was--

when I was up there,
I freaked a bit,

and I was
washing my hands

and spilled water.

And i--

goddamn. Where is she?

Perhaps she's lost.

She suggested this place.
It was her idea, so...

And you don't know
what she looks like?

She's brunette...

Medium height,

cotton dress--

a floral pattern--

and Jean jacket,


And very pretty--
not a lot of makeup--


Ah, slender. Tremendous.
Good for you.

"A"--that's what
she looks like,

or "b"--that's what
you hope she looks like?

Actually, "c"--
all of the above, I hope.

So, what are you going
to say to her

when she gets here?

You haven't replayed
this in your mind

about a million times?

No, not really.


Ok, ok, ok.

You know what?

Let's do a little
ice-breaking exercise.

I--you know...

I'll be her.
What's her name?


Jasmine. I'll be
Jasmine, and you are...

Arliss.how you doing,

Ok. Um...

I'm going to be her,
and you be you.

Unless, of course,
you want to be her,

in which case,
I'll be you.

You know what?
Really, I'd--

give me one minute
to get into character.


and slender.

All right.

Man: There you go.

Woman: Arliss.


God, please don't
do this, please?

I'm Jasmine.

I'm lean.
I'm conservative.

Listen, all right?
Let's just...

Very eager to make
your acquaintance.

Listen, please
don't do this.

You must be Jasmine.

You must be Jasmine.

Oh, you must be Jasmine.

Have we had the obligatory
30-minute phone conversation

prior to this meeting?

We played phone tag,
all right?

She's not that easy
to get in touch with.

Well, that's good.
It kind of...

Makes more mystery
or something.

You know what?
If she shows up,

you and I
are just friends, ok?

You know what?
We're not even friends.

We just happened
to run into each other.

You needed a match
or something.

And you have
a boyfriend.

You're waiting on
a boyfriend here, all right?

You're waiting
on your boyfriend.

Let me tell you something.
If she comes here

and sees you talking
to another woman,

you're going to seem
a lot more appealing--

less desperate
and neurotic.

I'm not desperate.

This is a high protein
electrolyte lemonade mixture

with just a hint
of vodka.


I'm on the tenth day
of a 7-day fast.


That makes
a lot of sense.

Ahh. Doesn't it?

You know what? I'm going
to go back inside.

I'll go
with you.

[Steam hisses]

[Stilted Asian accent]
You pick up your dry cleaning?

Yeah. Could I get
another cappuccino

with extra foam, please?

Nothing for
your new girlfriend?

Oh, no, she's not
my girlfriend. No.

And could I get
a spoon, too?

We'll bring it over.

All right.

I like your hair.
I think it's really cool.

I like what you've done
with it. It's really cool.


Go back now.

Ok. I'm--I'm, like...

Right over there.

I know.

Ok. All right.


Look, I appreciate--

do you have a light?

I really need a smoke
so desperately,

and you don't smoke.
I'm sure you don't smoke.

But maybe you do smoke,
and I'm judging a book.

Am I being hasty?

I know I'm being manic,

but I really need
a cigarette.

Secondhand smoke
does kill.

I was reading one of
my father's medical journals.

I have a predilection for
reading medical journals.

That was a big word.
That was obnoxious, wasn't it?

I do that sometimes.

I think I'm trying
to impress you,

but I have
all these medical journals

that are sitting
in my apartment unrecycled.

I have copious amounts--
there I go again--

copious amounts
of unrecycled papers

sitting in my apartment.

It's really criminal.

What I need to do,

to be conservative
and enviro-friendly,

is to get on-line.
Are you on-line?

I'm looking really
forward to webstock.

I think that kind of thinking
can change your democracy.

Do you have an e-mail address
that I could e-mail you?

10 years ago, I almost
drowned in my bathtub,

and, um...

Did you know that when
you're starting to drown

and the water
goes into your lungs,

it is similar to sleeping?

Or the feeling
is similar to sleeping?

I mean, I didn't drown
or anything,

but it was kind of funny.
Guess you had to be there.

But if you think about
the Titanic

and all those people
asleep in their deck chairs,

it was a far more
palatable tragedy.

Is there somebody
you want me to call?

Do I seem crazy?

I'm not crazy.

I may talk a lot,
but I'm not crazy.

If you met somebody
really crazy,

I'm telling you,
you'd know it.

The most disturbed person
I ever met

was my roommate Elizabeth.

She was a borderline
paranoid schizophrenic

and had the worst halitosis
in the world--bar none--

and she was
attracted to me.


But she did come from
a very wealthy family,

so when they came to
take her out to dinner,

I cashed in my chips
on that one.

Don't look at me
like that.

Yes, I spent some time
in a hospital. So?

I'm not crazy.
I'm not crazy.

Although a lot of people
do agree

my mom should've
never had children.

I shan't. I've had
my tubes tied.

So, tell me something
about yourself.

Are you always
this candid with people?

No. It depends
on my mood.

Single cap...

And I brought you
extra spoons.

Oh, great. Thanks.


Here you go.
You can keep it.

Keep it?

35 cents?

That's all I mean
to you?

I'm hurt as your server,

and I'm hurt as a man.

Here's another buck.

A whole buck, and I don't
even have to put out?

I'm going to Vegas.

Do you find yourself
attracted to other men?

What kind of question
is that?

Oh, what, have I offended
your delicate constitution?

I'm sure your dream date

wouldn't pose
such a bawdy question.

How would you know?

I have a feeling.

Well, the answer's no.

It's a fact--

most, if not all, men

have at one time
in their life

fantasized about having sex
with another man.

Then why did you ask me?

Because it's a fact
that most, if not all, men

deny ever having had sex
with another man.

So, what,
now I'm homophobic?



All right, look, I haven't
had these feelings.

All right?
At least, not yet.

I mean, you did say "have
some time ever wondered."

All right? So I could
have these feelings,

say, 2 years from now,

which would be 2 years
after you asked.

So if you want
to get technical,

you'd actually
have to wait

until that very moment
before I died,

then ask me again.

If you're there,
please feel free.

Unless you want
to amend your statement

to "most men experience
these feelings,

say, within the first
30 years of their life,"

in which case,
the answer would be no--

definitely not.

Anything else?

No. Very well-thought-out

but I don't believe you.

I guess I just haven't
found the right guy yet.

I don't know,
it just seems--

aw, shit.

Look, I got to hide.

This is not good.

Oh, what's wrong?
Not the girl of your dreams?

No. She lied. She said
she was slender.

You said you never
spoke to her.

No. I specifically
said in my ad

and attractive."

I was very clear
about that.

God, I have zero tolerance
for that kind of thinking.

Attractive is
such a subjective idea.

It varies from
culture to culture.

What about the ubangi warrior
women in central Africa?

Case in point--they have
plates in their lips--

huge plates in their lips.

Take the plate out--
big old hanging lip.

You know what? It's
considered very beautiful.

This is ridiculous.

I can't even believe we're
having this conversation.



I'm sorry.

Look, can we just
please get up

and walk out of here
right now?

I think she's beautiful.


I'm going to go, then.

It's been fun.
I'm going to take off.

Your aversion to heft makes
you seem very unenlightened.

Be a man.

Look, manhood--
way overrated, all right?

And I don't need
your 2 cents right now.

Why would I throw
my 2 cents in?

Here, look.

Let's just go.
Here's 40 bucks.

Let's just
get out of here.

I can't be bought.

Look, let's just go.
I've got $47, all right?

Excuse me?

Oh, Christ.


Where did you get
that dress?

Woman: It was a gift.

It's very pretty.

Man: Uh-huh.

It's all right.



Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit.



How you doing?


Anyway, she's going
to pick me up at home.

All right?


Slender and attractive.

and attractive.

I love your dress.

Oh, man.

Just...ok. Everything's
like it should be.

Just relax.

Charles: Ahh...

God damn it.

[Toilet flushes]

Man: Ok, what can I
get for you?

Hi. I'm arliss.

Listen, there's been
a huge mistake.

I'd love to stay and have
a cup of coffee with you,

but, you see, I met
someone this morning,

and, actually, she lives
in my building.

I didn't even know
she lived there.

Um, so I would
love to, uh, stay

and buy you guys
a cup of coffee,

because you came
all the way out here.

Or tea.
They have tea,

if you'd like some tea.



Jasmine, i--

Jasmine, it's been
a pleasure.


Hi, honey.

Hey, baby.

I just met
the strangest guy.


Oh, don't give me
that face.

This is your drama.
I'm just a participant.

And exactly what role
are you playing?

Me, I suppose.

And does "me"
have a name?

You know, the little thing
they put on your wristband

when they put you
in the padded room?


Good answer, Emily.

Unfortunately, I don't
believe you, Emily.

[Sighs] I don't feel very good.
I'm going to go home.

What's your name?

What's your real name?

I told you.

Come on, seriously.


Don't touch my stuff.

Ah. You're Jasmine.
Go figure.

I'm sitting waiting
on some coffee,

and you're there
with some napkins.

Wow. The little
role-reversal thing--

very nice,
very polished.


Don't get excited.

I'm not excited.
I'm pissed off.

This is ridiculous.
You're insane.

You're a sick person.

I'm sick?

I'm sick? You were ready
to ditch your date

without getting
to know her.

Ditch my date?

My date didn't show up,

This is ridiculous.
You know what?

You're not her,
and she's not you,

and you don't even
look like her.

Of course not.
I'm not her. I'm me.

Well, I'd like to take this
opportunity to thank you

for a very lovely evening
of manipulating and coercing.

I didn't coerce you.

I didn't hold a gun
to your head.

You took
total advantage of me.


I didn't take advantage.
You were ready to leave

because I didn't fit into
your antiquated male fantasy.

You wouldn't even
tell me who you were.

You told me
you were somebody else.

I never made you think
I was someone else.

You assumed.
You never asked.

You're turning this

Look, you know what?

I cannot believe you.

You have absolutely
no right to fuck with me

or judge me or anything.

After tonight, what,
are you kidding me?

I don't need a new
conscience. I've got one.

And don't even start in

on your whole female
feminist diatribe.

My god, get on-line?

You need to get with
the program there, Jasmine.

All right, what--
and I don't even know

what a fucking
ubangi lip--

whatever the fuck you were
talking about earlier.

You know what, though?
I do know one thing.

I was really looking
forward to tonight.

I was really looking
forward to tonight.


I mean, this new jacket--
I don't even--whoa.

I don't even want
to get into that.

I liked your voice.

I really liked your voice.

That's why
I answered your ad.

You should have just
been honest with me.

You wouldn't have
called me back.

You don't know that.


Could you not go yet?

Wait, wait, wait!
Arliss, arliss, please.

I'm sorry. Don't leave.

Don't do this, ok?

I'm sorry
that you're angry.

I am--oh, god.

I would feel terrible
if you left right now.

Just give me one second
to make reparations.

You've had all night.
Thank you very much.

No, come on!
I did not--i--

it was no premeditated,
and you're--

oh, I'm so sorry.

Things just never turn out
the way I picture them.

Listen to me.

It's my birthday.

I don't mean
to spring that on you.

It's not your obligation
to shoulder that,

and I'm not trying
to be dramatic,

but I don't have anyone
to spend it with.

I would really appreciate it
if you don't go away mad.

I'd be terribly upset,
and I'd...

Just please spend
my birthday with me.

They have a really good
roof-patio place

on the top of this place,
and, uh...

Just, I'm sorry.

Just please don't go.

I don't know
what else to say.

And that can be
your birthday present to me,

and now
you're off the hook.

I didn't do anything,
and I'm off the hook?

Makes a lot of sense.

Ok, whatever, all right?

Just--my treat?



It's no trouble,

You sure?

It is a little bit
of trouble,

but honestly,

any reason that
I get to get out

of that shithole

is good for me,
you know?


Noreen: Isn't it
beautiful up here?

It's really
great up here.

I've been up here

Well, enjoy--
um, what's your name?

I'm arliss.




Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

The view is lovely,

the cake is lovely,

sheis very lovely.

She flatters me.


Have fun.



So if it's your birthday,
how old are you?


6:13 A.M. to be exact,

but I figured I'd get a jump
on the celebration tonight

'cause I'm going away

Oh, wow. You gonna
go see your folks?

Oh, good god, no.

I can't think of a worse way
to spend my birthday

than with my family.

I rarely, if ever, see them
or speak to them.

My father's a closet racist
and, uh...

My mother makes Anne sexton
look like Donna Reed.

And as luck would have it,

my brother's
just a misogynist pervert,

so, other than that,
they're great, though.

A lot of fun.

So what do you do
for money?

I temp.

I accept money
from my grandma,

my benevolent

and, um, I'm desperately
trying to write a book.

About what?

It's a story about the time
I drove cross-country once

and my car broke down
in Gary, Indiana,

and I met some guy who tried
to help me fix my car,

and I wound up living
with him for 4 years--

much to his chagrin.

And, um...

He kinda had a hard time
dealing with my mood swings.

Why is that?

I mean, who doesn't
have mood swings?

To be perfectly frank,

I'm a bipolar

So what
is manic-depressive?

I don't get it.


it's a chemical imbalance
in the brain.

It runs in my family,

and I'm a rapid cycler.

Um, so I guess,
to put it in simple terms,

sometimes you'll catch me,

and I'll be redecorating
my apartment in a frenzy,

or I'll be
on the kitchen floor

in the fetal position,
weeping uncontrollably.

Just depends.

But, um...

Is there anything
you can do for it?

Oh, man, I've done it.

Lithium, klonopin,
tegretol, depakote.

But as far
as I'm concerned,

the side effects
of those types of things

are just as bad as
the episodes themselves,

and I decided
I can't do it anymore.

So, uh,
as of tomorrow,

I'm putting it
all behind me.

So what happens



Why are we talking
so much about me?

Let's nottalk about me.

My life is really boring.

I work for a chocolate
manufacturing company.

Marketing chocolate.

That's what I do.

Look, what I don't

is if there's
a treatment for you,

why haven't
you done it before?

This disease
is treatable.

It's not
necessarily curable.

It varies
from person to person.

I mean, I have some friends
who do very well.

I have one friend
who's a pilot,

he's married,
he has 3 children.

I can't drive.

I have to take
public transportation.


I wasn't ready before.

I'm 31 now. I'm ready.

I'm ready.


That cake has been mocking me
this whole time.

What's gonna happen?

You're on a 10-day fast.

So fast it's over.
Fuck it.

But in honor
of your presence,

you get the first bite.

I hate chocolate.


I do.

Noreen: So you finished?

Yeah, yeah.

Noreen: Now, what
I don't understand

is how anybody could
share this cake,

much less not
finish it.

It is sogood.

I could not agree more,

but I can't go into it
right now.

I have to make
a good impression

and pretend I wouldn't
finish that on my own

and beg you for more.

So do you want
anything else?


I'm fine.
Thank you.

All right, I'm gonna go eat
this little piece of cake.


I told you

I wanted to stay up here
for 60 minutes exactly.

I feel compelled to do so.

Will you please
get down?

Would you relax?

I'm taking a walk
on the wild side, literally.

No. Come on,
let's get down.




Tell me what you do
for a living.

I told you
what I do.

I know, but you won't
be specific.

No, it's chocolate.

I mean, what's chocolate?
It's chocolate.

Come on now.

You're being evasive
about your job.

Is there something illegal
about what you do?

Ok, fine. Pornographic
chocolate, all right?

Like a 5-foot candy bar
with tits.

That's what I do,
all right?

Chocolate thongs,
fallopian tubes--

you name it,
it's chocolate.

There you go.

Exotic and erotic


How exciting
for you.

Very impressed, aren't you?

I'm not proud of it.
What's so funny about that?

I just find
pornographic chocolate

to be an interesting


And since pornography
is being credited

with the debasement
of our society

and the breakdown
of the nuclear family,

I am now going to have
to take my leave of you

via the fire escape.

It was nice knowing you,


Don't do this.
Don't do this.

don't do this.


This is not good.

I am totally kidding.
Trust game.




Whatever treatment place
you gotta go tomorrow,

I hope everything
works out great.

You really deserve it.

Are you mad?

Exactly when were you
planning on telling me

who you really were,

That's what I thought.

Hope you have
a really nice birthday.

Thank you very much for
an interesting evening,

but I'm gonna go.


I was just kidding!


What? I'm going home,
all right?



You're gonna stay.

No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.

No. Thank you.

This is loaded!

Great. A loaded backpack.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, god,
that I have a flak jacket on.

Thanks a lot.

You're nuts, you know that?
You're nuts.

I'll use it.

Fine. Then use it.
You're nuts, know that?

I will!

You're fuckin' nuts.

[Bullet ricochets]

I told you! I told you
it was loaded!

And I told you
I would use it!

And now we're gonna go
to your place!

You know what? That--no.
That's not a good idea, ok?

'Cause my cousin's there.

You know what?
He would hate this.

That's like a running thread
through my family:

Gun--not good.

This whole thing here?
I'm not--no.

And he's there
with some friends.

And he's been there,

and they're doing
death of a salesman.

They're actors.

And they got a whole troupe
of people over there

that would not be happy
to see you, all right?

You lose the bag you can
sit around there for awhile,

but as long as that thing's
going on--not a good idea.

So listen,

why don't we just calm down
here for a second, ok?

'Cause you're spooky chick.
This is getting out of hand.

So just calm down now.

Ok, I don't even wanna go
to your place anymore.

The thought of going to
your place is depressing me.

We're gonna go back inside.

We're going back inside!

I hate the fact

that you don't wanna
be with me right now.

I'm loving being with you
right now.

I don't want us to--



let's just--

hey, I'm with you
on this. Really.

[Guitar music playing]

Don't you guys
ever leave?

2 double espressos,

No, no, no. That table.
Sit, sit, sit.

[Singing softly]

Look, this is not
a good idea, all right?

A lot of people
have seen us together.

I need a cigarette.

Is this like
a regular date for you?

A little coffee,
a little execution?

Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a cigarette?

Don't smoke.

Double espressos.

Thank you.
Do you have a cigarette?

Oh, you can't
smoke inside.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry.

Do you mind if I say
something impertinent?

Uh, well,
I just consider myself

a student of
the human condition,

which means
I notice things

that other people
might not see.

I guess I'm just
naturally curious

and tend to stick my nose
in other people's psyche.

And I'm an uncontrollable

so if I get boring
just stop me.

Anyway, here goes.

It doesn't take a genius

to figure out
that you're no coffee lover.

I mean, you're definitely
no editor of a 'zine

or anything.

And, uh, you--sorry.

You definitely belong here.

I see people like you
all the time.

You just sit in places
like these

and just watch people.

You'll talk to people--

like me.
I'll talk to anybody.

And you won't talk to anybody
unless they talk first, right?


So, uh, what's my point?


Well, um...

I don't get it--you two.

Opposites attracting?

I mean, I see it,

but I just
don't understand it.

That's because--


You kicked him.


Did not.

You did.
Did not.


Oh, man.
Is that your leg?


Thought I was kicking
the table leg.

Before you wrap it up,
what were you saying?

Well, um...

I just wanna say

that if this thing works out
between you guys,

I think it would be
really neat.

[Musician singing]

Isn't he great?

♪ Let's slice up a jesuit

♪ and offer him to the sky

♪ how have you been, boy?

♪ I've been fine

♪ how have you been, boy?

♪ I've been fine


Uh, what?

How old are you?

I'm, uh, 34.


Time to move on.

Am I getting
fired again?

No, I'm giving you advice.

Get yourself a real woman.

As opposed to?

Um, Stephanie.

Uh, no, uh,
her name's Tiffany.

She's very real.

She's the, uh,
3-time champion

miss nude world.


No. She's gross.

She's beautiful.

I don't like being kicked,
all right?

What do you want from me?

[Light applause]

Hey. Sounded great,

I want you to sit there
and behave

and be quietlike
a normal human being.

Normal human beings

don't have loaded
backpacks pointed at them

by some hopped-up,

whacked-out chick
at a coffee shop.

And, look,
I really feel for you.

'Cause I don't get along
with my parents either.

Who does?

And the tide's gonna turn,
so just hang with us,

all right?

And please...

Back off
with the kicking.

Something about
a woman with a gun.

Uh, she's got a gun?

There's something
so great about her.

did you see the gun?

Do I look Chinese
to you?

Uh, I don't--did you
really see a real gun?


Cover me, will you?
I gotta go to my car.

When you say cover,

you mean, like, am I
supposed to work for you

or cover you because...

That wing nut might snap

and start shooting up
the place?

Eww. Why'd you
give me that?

Charles: 'Cause...
'Cause you like it.

Drink your coffee.

Drink your coffee,

Normal human beings--

if there
is such a thing,

I'm not one of them.

Yes, I've always wanted
to be popular,

but I think getting up
early to kill myself

disqualifies me.

This gun is not for you.

Least that's not
why I brought it here,

but you're making me
use it on you.

Don't make me use it.

You're serious,
aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Then why me?

When did I pick
the lucky number?

I sorta forgot
about that part.

I need--i need a body.
I need a person.

I need someone with me

I can't be by myself.

I don't wanna talk myself
out of tomorrow.

Tomorrow morning,
at 6:13 A.M.

Will be the most
significant event

of my whole shitty life.

Using this gun on myself
on some random Tuesday

doesn't mean Jack shit.

It's gotta be
tomorrow morning.

That's when I was born,
that's when I expire.

So just bear with me.


Ah, nothing like
a good strong Espresso

to kick start you after
a long depression, huh?

Don't worry about it.

I'm won't involve you
on some morbid level.

You don't have
to watch me do it, ok?

When I'm gone,
or when we part company,

you're not gonna
hear from me again.

So don't worry about it.

If you lead
a nice, virtuous life

and pray
to the baby Jesus,

perhaps you can
be having coffee

with your
cotton-dressed virgin

this time next week.


I wanted something

I hope
you don't mind.

What are you doing?

I'm studying


The teacher says,

"carry your camera
wherever you go.

"Photo ops
are everywhere."

Don't do that?

I'm not gonna do anything
weird with these pictures.

It's just for my class.

You give me your address,
I'll send you prints.

One more.

Can we be done

Is this
really necessary?

I don't want you
running away.

You know what, look,

I don't care if you want
to kill yourself.

I don't have a problem.
I'm won't tell anyone.

I don't care who you tell.
You're not listening to me!


I gotta pee.




Personal ads, fuck you!


I'll get my money back.

Just get your money back.

You know what?
Get your money back times 2.

That's what, $69?
You take yourself out,

you go have a nice meal
by yourself.

What'd you do,
fall in?

What are you doing?

There should be
a screening process.

That's the problem
with these programs.

Screening process,
a questionnaire,



What are you doing?


You know,
this would really be funny

if it was happening
to somebody else.

[Knock on door]

Just a second.

I have given you
ample time to urinate.

I'm gonna start counting
right now.

Look, just one second,
all right?

5, 4...

3, 2...


Relax, all right?
I'm still here.

Why are you smiling?

What did you do?

It was, uh...

What did you write?

"Call police."

"Girl moth gin downers."

What the fuck?

It's "call police.
Girl with gun downstairs."

Does that look like an "o"?
That's an "I."

It's w-i-t-h.

And that's g-u-n,
not g-i-n.

And that's--downers?
Give me a fuckin' break.



God! Damn it, I knew
I couldn't trust you.

get in the stall.

I need a minute
to think.


This would be
so much funnier

if it was happening
to somebody else.

Why does nothing
ever turn out

the way I want it to?

Look, you don't want
to kill me, all right?

You're a good person.
I can tell that.

What'd you expect me to do?

You got a gun. It's my job
to try to get away.



It's a big mistake here.
A big mistake.

It's a big, big,
big mistake.

Come on, just give me--
come on.

I'm overwhelmed,

and you're not helping
me out at all right now.

I'm begging for my life,
and I'm not ashamed of that.

I'm begging for mine,
and I'd beg for yours,

but you don't seem
to give a shit.

Ok, look, just be
cool here for 2 seconds.

Why don't you
just relax for 2 seconds?

Now since I have to be here
anyway, and I don't wanna be,

why don't you give me
this opportunity

to convince you
not to kill yourself.

How about that, huh?
I know that's not your plan.

That's very funny.

I'm serious. What if
I convince you not to?

Yes. Yes, you,

the manufacturer
of confectionery cocks

are gonna somehow say
something very edifying

and convince me
to eradicate

my personal
and biological pain

and turn me
into a very healthy,

individual overnight.

It doesn't matter what
I'm gonna do, all right?

You don't wanna shoot
yourself or anybody.

This is all
about attention.

This is all about you.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Oh! All about attention!

God, I hate when people
say that shit!

You're so wrong!

No, I'm so right!
That's why you called me.

You need somebody to give you
permission to live.

That's my job. Admit it.
That's why I'm here.

I will not admit

You're so off-base!


God damn it.

Then shoot yourself,

I will shoot myself--

No, no!
Why wait till tomorrow?

Why not just do it
right now, all right?

How about that?

Shut up!

The important thing

is that you put a bullet
through your head.

You can do that now.
You wanna do that?


You know what? Fuck it!

Fuck it!

Why don't you kill me?
How about that?

Why don't you
just fuckin' kill me?

Shut up!

Take the goddamn gun out,
and tomorrow morning we'll--

shut up!


God damn it!
Fuck me!

I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick.

[Purse drops]

Ohh. Ohh.





You're fuckin' serious.

Hey, look...

Let's just relax
for 2 seconds, all right?

Let's just calm down.

I promise you
everything's gonna be fine.

Everything is totally cool.

It's gonna be all right.

Don't touch me!

I don't like
being touched.

What are you
hitting me for?

why don't we just get

some of your
electrolysis lemonade?


Yeah. Whatever.

Everything's cool here,
all right?

All right,
everything's gonna be fine.

Here you go.

I think it's...

Sorry. Bullet hole.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

It's come to this.

[Inhales deeply]

Try to kill myself
in a scuzzy bathroom,

and I'm still here.


You know
what we need to do

is just go downstairs
and get some real food,

all right?

Because you don't want
to go off a 10-day fast

with chocolate.

That's not the way
to go.

A 10-day fast.
That's such bullshit.

I can't stay away from food
for 10 minutes.

That's why
I'm so fucking fat.

You're not fat.

I'm fat.

I'm a liar.

I'm an underachiever.

I don't have any friends.

You're good with guns.

I'll give you that.

I feel sick.

I'm gonna use
the bathroom.

Look, I think
I'm gonna take off, ok?


Stay there.

And you can't leave,

'cause I can see your feet,
and I'll shoot you.


This is so weird.
What if somebody comes in?

Could you just
plug your ears

or tell me a story
or make noise

or do something?

I was in, uh, choir...

In church,

and the day of--

like, when we were supposed
to have a special thing

at Christmas...

It's just
that when I was a kid,

we--i never
really liked to sing,

but we were in church,

and they made you do it,
sorta like Sunday school.

And then there was this big
Christmas thing going on.

And then everybody
and their brother was there,

and all my parents friends,
and then I, like, choked.

And, you know,
it just...

I'm coming out.

Seems weird to...

[Exhales loudly]

Ho. You still gotta
wash your hands.


Wash your hands.

I'll be very hygienic
when I'm cremated.

That's really morbid,
you know it?

Yeah, suicidal people
usually are.

Take 5 minutes to wash
your hands for me.

After all
I've been through today,

just wash them.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.


Were you
listening to us?


Why are you
standing here?

Were you

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Did you hear
what we were saying?


You're in
the men's room.

You're a freak.

Come on.

So why'd you hit me?

Oh, I hit you because...

An impulse.

Christ, I don't know.

I never hit anybody

This another one of your
manic-depressive things?


As trite as this
is gonna sound,

I think I hit you because
you remind me of my dad,

whether it be
your demeanor

or your mannerisms...

I don't know.

I told you
he was an asshole.

Well, look, the next time
I remind you of your father,

will you do me a favor
and think of something else?

You oughta just
give the guy a call

and get all this
off your chest.

Yeah, that'll
solve everything.

Thank you.

Think about
the happy times.

It can't all
be that bad.

are you kidding me?

Why don't
you just call him?

Here's a quarter.

You want me
to call him now?

No, let's wait
till after the funeral.

Yes,right now.

It's too--i can't.

We can't call the house
after 10:00.

You're brave enough to
put a gun to your head,

but not brave enough
to call your father?

That makes
a lot of sense.

You're confusing bravery
with desperation.

Let's go call the guy
right now.

Just take 5 minutes
and call him.




Hi, dad. It's me.

I know. It's late.





I know.

I gotta go.

I'm gonna go.

Hey, I wanted to get
your address

so I could send you
those prints.

Can we do it later?

You're here.

That's observant.

What did he say?

Why didn't you leave?

I thought you didn't
want me to leave.

It was another in a series
of stilted conversations.

I want you to stay.

Then you gotta ask me
to stay nicely.

Don't patronize me.
You're an adult.

You can make
your own decisions.

Yeah, but a minute ago,

I was an adult
with a gun in my face.

So you're gonna have
to give me a few minutes

to adjust to my status
as a free man.

I am a free man,

I want you to stay.

You gotta
give me that gun.


Then I'm gonna leave.

Then I'll shoot you.

Look, let's not start
doing this again, ok?


[Gunshot echoing]

Everything's fine.

Can you put mom on?

Ok, if you want,
we can do it tomorrow.

Noreen: Hey, where's
your girlfriend?


Did he pay?


Woman: Suicide hotline.

Ok, I met
this girl tonight,

and I think she's
gonna kill herself.

Are you with her
right now?

No. I met her
in a coffee shop.

She's not here.
She's still there and...

Do you know how
she's going to do it?

Um, I think with a gun,
but I'm not sure.

She has a gun and you think
she's planning to use it?

Yes, on herself.


We can call the cops,
and they can go get her

and take her
to a hospital.

She's a danger
to herself.

No. I think--
I don't want to do that.

I don't think
that's a good idea

I think she's gonna--

that's not
a good idea at all.

Ok, the best thing you can
do right now is be there

and let her talk
to you about it.

Let her know
that you're there

and it's ok for her
to talk to you about it.

Well, I've pretty much
done that,

but I just...

Ok, well, you can't keep
her from killing herself.

You can't be
responsible for that,

but you can sit and listen
and be there for her.

I know that.
I understand that,

and I appreciate it,
but I don't know,

you know? I don't--

you know what? Listen,
thank you very, very much,

and I hope you have
a lovely evening. Thanks.



♪ The floor will have
its way it seems ♪

♪ it fights me
like a trampoline ♪

♪ it won't let me
on the ground ♪

♪ so this time
I'm not coming down ♪

♪ this time
I'm not coming down ♪

♪ I've been
talking in my sleep ♪

♪ you once kissed me
not to hear me speak ♪

♪ you loved me
just so totally ♪

[Knocking in window]

♪ Every bit of life
wrung out of me ♪

♪ and this time
I'm not coming down... ♪

Can I help you?

Thanks a lot.

♪ And this time
I'm not coming down ♪

Thanks a lot.

♪ Trampoline

thanks a lot.
You really helped me out.

No problem.

♪ Trampoline

Hey, is she
still here?

I didn't see
her leave.

Would you check
the bathroom for me?

Yeah. Um, hey.

Does she have a gun?



Aw, shit.

Hey...what are you
doing here?

You scared the shit
out of me.


I got you something for
your birthday if you want it.

You got me a present?!

You got me a present
for my birthday!

Oh! That...

That is so great.

This is what I would
wear to my own funeral.

How do I look?

Somehow I knew you
were going to say that.

This is great.
Thank you.

Thank you so much.
I am beyond touched.

Then tomorrow night we meet
here and have a real date.

I come and get you and we spend
the night together here.

All night.

Thanks for the hat.

I can't do that.

There's no chance at all
you're gonna change your mind?

No. Maybe.


You know, I honestly
do not believe that god

would put anybody on this
earth without some partner.

'Cause there's somebody
for everybody, right?

I guess so.

I've been sitting around
for the longest time

wondering where's my girl?

Where's that person I get to
come home to, all right?

And just look forward
to seeing all the time?

Do I even know her?

Is it a temp when I come
to work next week?

Or even somebody that
lives in my building

that I've passed
a thousand times

and never even said
anything to?

I don't know.

You know, just as weird
and odd as tonight is,

I think
this is the story

I'm supposed to tell
our grandchildren.

Me and you are going to sit
down with our grandchildren

and tell them about tonight.

I'm so attracted
to you right now.

I love listening
to the ocean.

I could fall asleep
to the ocean...

washing machine...


And in a pinch,
Vicodin and wine.

When we--when
my family and I

actually hung
around together--

when I was growing up,
we had a shore house

down at spring lake,
which is in New Jersey,

and our house was
right on the sand,

right on the beach,

and every night
that we slept there,

I would just fantasize
about diving

into the blackness
of the ocean.

Just being able
to swim deep enough

past whatever is the
ocean's bottom, I guess.

And that if you could poke
through the sand floor,

there would be an entire
parallel universe

like in wizard of oz,

when it goes from
black and white to color.


It would be something
similar to that

wherein the quality of life
would be so much superior

to the one
I was experiencing.

I hate the water,
you know?


First time I ever actually saw
the ocean or got in the water,

my family went to myrtle beach.

My dad's like,
"get in the inner tube, son."


So I get in
the inner tube, right?

And the tide takes me
really far out.

And you're a kid, and
you're stupid, so this is fun.

I look up and
there's people on the beach.

I can't hear them,
just see them.

Then you hear those
"rrr rrr rrr."

The coast guard ends up coming,
I'm totally embarrassed.

They take me back in,

my dad talks me back
into the inner tube,

throws me back out.

I have a story like that.
You know those kickboards

that you have when you're
in the swimming pool?


I was sitting on one once
when I was little,

and it flipped over so your
feet are facing upwards.

And like a roach that
gets stuck on its back,

I kept kicking.

I couldn't get the kickboard
to flip back over.

And rather than admit
defeat, I almost died

because I was too humiliated
to try and signal for help.

That's what's so funny.

My dad just patted me
on the ass

and put me back in the tube.
"Try it again, son."


I think I lied to you earlier,
but I don't know.

What about?

When I was in high school,

I thought this guy was

but I wasn't the only one.
It was a given.

This is the good-looking guy
in school, you know?

I thought he was attractive.

I wasn't jumping
on the bandwagon,

"yeah, he is,"
or "yeah, check him out."

It was just, you know--

why does this throw you
into such a panic?

It doesn't make you gay.

It makes you normal.

All right.



That's so great you had
a boyfriend in high school.

...during his residency,

and they began living in sin
before they were married.

Arliss: Nice.

Why is he here?

I didn't call him.

Officer Carter: Excuse me,
can you help me out here?

My ride is here.

Carter: That's all right.
We'll just walk you out.

How you doing tonight?

Fine, thanks.

Is there a problem,

Her boyfriend.
Who are you?

No, there's no problem.
I got a call--

she's got a gun.

Who are you?

Charles Riley bender,
assistant manager.

Did you see the gun?

Technically, no,
but my friend did.

That's not what I said!
You misunderstood me!

Ma'am, can I look
inside your bag?

He was upstairs
jerking off.

That's why he can't
think straight.


In the stall next to me
jerking 90 miles an hour.

I don't think that's
against the law,

but I wasn't
doing it anyways.

It's not a crime
for Charles

to explore his
erotic possibilities.

All right, folks.


People, please,
listen up!

Just for a second.
Hold on!

Ma'am, if I could just take
a look inside your bag,

I'll be on my way.

You're full of shit.

You're full of shit,
you're full of shit,

and I don't appreciate
your intervention.

I don't mind at all.

I'm sorry
this has escalated

into such
a ridiculous situation.

I'm sorry.
Thank you.

No problem.

Where'd you put it?

In my shirt.

I got it.

Can I just say again
how sorry I am

that Charles
called the police?

I swear to god,
he's such a drama queen,

and I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

It's just insane,
and I apologize.

I'm gonna go
to the jabberjaw.

My girlfriend's band
is playing.

Hot dog pussy.
Maybe you've heard of them.

No, thanks.

Maybe another time

You can go if you want.

Nah, we'll go
another time.

You should--
you should go.

Well, at least let me
get your address

so I can send you
these pictures.

Oh, no. Man, ecch.

I hate what I look like
in pictures.

But thank you.

How can you say that?
You're so beautiful.

You're such a liar!

Please let me take
just one more picture.

Just one more.
It'll be really great.

Get close.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Thank you!


Well, I guess
I'll take off then.

Can I ask you
a question?

You claim to be this student
of the human condition.

So what if somebody
you really care about

is going to do something
really stupid.

Well, how stupid?

Like, really stupid.

You're wasting
your time.


Well, I guess all anybody
can do is just be there.

Be there for your friend
and listen.

Listen for what?

To whatever
they have to say.

What's stupid for you might
make a lot of sense to them.

Shit, what time is it?

It's like 1:20.

Gotta go. Uh...

Nice meeting you.

Nice meeting
you, too.

Sure. Good night.


Tenacious little man,
aren't you?

I don't understand how you

could want to go
through with this

after what we did tonight.

Thank you for the hat.

This isn't
about a hat.


I want to just enjoy
this moment right now.

I cannot enjoy
this moment.


I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I stole
them off the cop.

I don't want to have
to do this to you.

It's just that--

Things have to work out
the way I want them to now,

and I think
this is gonna help,

but I hope nothing
happens to you,

and, god, if you do exist,
just protect him. I'm sorry.

Don't do this. Come on.
This is ridiculous.

You almost made
a difference.

Please don't do this.

Thank you.

Wait! Don't do this!
Come on!

I want to stay up with you
all night. We'll talk.

Come on,
this is so selfish.

Come on, don't do this!

Come on!

Look, I...

You know, you suck me
into your world

and then you--
this is not fair at all!

Come on here!
Come on now!

Jasmine, please?

Come on!

[Police radio crackling]

Did you know the number
she gave you was a service?


There's no way we can track
down her address from that.

Best I can do
is put out a bulletin.

This girl is serious.
She's gonna kill herself.

Listen to me, pal.

If you'd leveled
with me earlier,

maybe this wouldn't
be happening.

I suggest you go home
and wait by the phone.

Maybe she'll call you.

Right. Right.

I'll be driving around.

If I hear of anything,
I'll let you know.

I really
appreciate it.

All right.

Listen, there's
nothing you can do.

Take it easy.

Thanks a lot.

[Telephone rings]

Jasmine: Hi,
I'm not here right now.

Please leave a message.
Thanks. Bye. [Beep]

this is arliss.

You gotta call me.
I'm here at home.


Please, give yourself
another chance here.

I want to listen to
whatever you have to say.

I really, honestly do,
so call me.

I'm gonna keep leaving you
messages until you do.


Look, I know you're getting
these messages, all right?

And I know you want to call me
back or whatever,

but you're just afraid.

You've made up your mind,
and I'm real proud of you,

and that's all well
and good, just, please,

just do me the favor of
picking up the phone

and giving me a call.

Just let me hear your voice
one more time. That's it.


Yeah, it's arliss again.

this is call number 3.

It's about 20 minutes later
and you still haven't called,

but you know that.

Look, um...Just give me a call.
That's all I'm asking here.

And, uh--just
one single damn call.

Do that much for me,
and you--

you don't even have to listen,
I'll do the talking.

How redundant is that?
I've totally lost my mind here.

I'll just listen to anything
you have to say, all right?

Anything you want to say,
I'm here to listen.

So, please call me,
all right?

This is not good.

All right?

1775. All right? 1775.

Last 4 numbers, 1775.

Jesus Christ, Jasmine,
this is total torture,

and I don't think
this is fair at all.

You know what,
at least do me the honor

of knowing that you're ok,
all right?

Don't do this, all right?

Just pick up the phone.
Familiar with the phone?

Pick it up and use it,
all right?




Uh, i--officer Carter, no.


No, sir, I called her
a couple of times,

but she hasn't
called back or anything.

Yeah. Just the service.

All right.

Oh, ok. If you hear something,
you give me a buzz.

All right.


Recording: This person's
voice mail is full.

Please call back later.

♪ The floor will have
its way it seems ♪

♪ it fights me
like a trampoline ♪


♪ It won't let me
on the ground ♪

♪ so this time
I'm not coming down ♪

♪ this time
I'm not coming down ♪

♪ I've been
talking in my sleep ♪

♪ you once kissed me
not to hear me speak ♪


[Telephone rings]





Oh, that's real smart.
Nice job, you idiot.

[Distorted ring]


Hello, arliss?

can you hear me?

Are you there?

Can you hear me

I dropped the fucking phone
in the water.

Can you hear anything
I'm saying right now?

Jasmine? Hey!

[Hangs up]


Aw, man.

Automatic call return.

Ok, come on.



Jasmine, Jasmine,
are you there?


Oh, Jasmine, god,
i--i thought I...

I broke the phone.

How did you find out?

Doesn't matter.
What time is it?

About 5:30.

Are you ok?


So, what,
are you depressed?

God, that's
a stupid question.

You're depressed.
I'm sorry.

You confuse me...

But I take
responsibility for this.

I should have never tried
to manipulate a person

or a whole evening

Answering your ad
was my primary error.

I'm sorry.

I'm glad you did,

I held a gun on you.

Well, believe it or not,
I've had worse dates.

Jasmine, you really
gotta help me out here,

'cause I don't know
what I'm doing.

What am I
supposed to do?

I'm an untrained

Then where do you
get off on

just totally

your own
final solution here?

I'm pro-choice.
I can dispense.

I don't think you've
researched all your options.

I think you're being
a little hasty.

30 years isn't haste.

30 years is
a really long time.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate everything
you're doing and saying

and everything
you're trying to do.

Your commitment, your focus,
your compassion...

And I regret to inform you
it's an exercise in futility.

What am I supposed
to do, just give up?

I'm the one pulling
the trigger.

Just let it be me. Just--

I'll just take this with me.

This is your drama and
you totally sucked me in!

You totally fucked me
on this whole thing.

You had an
opportunity to leave.

But you answered my ad.

And you placed an ad
and so on and so on.

It doesn't matter.

I guess I got
what I wanted.

What did you get?

Beautiful hat.

Well, I got a real kiss.

♪ Happy birthday
to you! ♪

♪ Happy fucking
birthday to--♪

You know, fuck you.

Happy fucking
birthday to you.

You totally fucked me
over here, "Emily."

What the fuck
is that about?

I know you're
going to be ok.

You're a really good person.

You're gonna--

you're gonna be ok.

If you think about it,

since you've endured
this ordeal,

I think you're owed
a great karmic retribution.

There's just no way you can't
come out ahead on this.

There's no way
you can't meet

your conservatively dressed
stereotype after this.

And she's gonna love you

and she's gonna be
sweet and pretty,

have low body fat and
be fairly intelligent.

Have you not heard anything
I've been saying here?

Don't you understand
what's going on?

I want you so bad,
and I need you.

You don't understand
what's happened.

You don't want me.

You've caught me on an
interesting and erratic day.

It's been romanticized

and now you're having
a white knight scenario,

but you couldn't deal
with me or my condition.

How do you know?

Because I can't,

and I've had 30 years
to get used to it,

and I am so fucking
sick of myself.

I am so tired of this.

Just please
forget about me.

I can't do that.

Don't ask me
to fucking do that,

and don't you dare
hang up on me.

Don't do this to me,

Don't--i will call you back
until your ears fall off.

Please don't do this to me.

Thanks for
a wonderful birthday.


[Dial tone]



[Busy signal]

Fuck you!

Fuck you.

[Coffee beans

Well, well,
if it isn't, um...

Noreen, right?

It's been a while.


So, do you know
what you want?

Do you know
what you want?

Oh, yeah.
Double cappuccino, please.

Great. Oh, by the way,
how's your friend?

Um, Jasmine?


She got what she wanted,
I guess.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. It's all right.

You know, I'm developing
now in my class,

and your pictures were
the first ones I did.

They're really good.
God, where are they?

Here they are.

Maybe you want them?

You know what...

You know what,
why don't you hang onto them?

In fact, I think
I'm gonna take off, but...

What about your double?

Maybe some other time.

But thanks, though.

Don't worry. I'll be back.


Hi. I'm arliss.

Thanks for responding
to my ad.

I could tell you
I'm looking for someone

who's nice, uncomplicated,

full of life, and all that.

You know what? I don't
care what you look like.

I'm not sure you care
what I look like.

I'm average-looking,
afraid of commitment...

You know,
I'm looking for anybody--

a friend, a soul mate.

All I know is
I've got nothing to lose

and everything to gain.

You might be beautiful...

You might not be.

You might be
as confused as I am.

So, give me a call.
I'm listening.


♪ It's been a scary ride

♪ and I need some sleep

♪ you want a peek inside,
well ♪

♪ well, just a peek

♪ I wish you were here

♪ asleep by my side

♪ but
there's no winters here ♪

♪ when you're stretched
across the trees ♪

♪ sometimes

♪ sometimes

♪ inside

♪ inside

♪ sometimes

♪ it hurts

♪ sometimes

♪ inside

captioning made possible by
trimark home video

captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.