Sweeney Killing Sweeney (2018) - full transcript

Aging local standup comic Sweeney, "The Character King", gets an opportunity to do a national cable show out of Los Angeles. The only caveat is that Sweeney must drop the locally referenced...

- And now, your headliner
for this evening is

a local comedy legend.

How about a nice
round of applause

for the Character King of
Boston comedy, Sweeney?

- Thank you, thank you.



It's great to be here.

I know what you're thinking.

If anybody knows anything
about comedy it's the Chinese.

Listen, I'm from Charleston,
all my friends are dead.

- You're hilarious.

I mean, it's so funny I can't
even remember all the jokes.

- Thanks, what's
your name again?

- Justin.

- Justin.

You sounded older on the phone.

- That was my Dad.

I figured it'd be easier
if he called instead of me.

- Oh, what is this,
school newspaper?

- No, it's a
homework assignment.

- History?

- No, it's English class.

I have to write a paper
about a local celebrity.

- Local celebrity, I see.

Hey, did ya ever see this
guy sweeping the streets?

My name's Jimmy Yannel.

I'm the shovel man on
Wednesdays and Sundays.

I'm the broom man Mondays,
Tuesdays and Thursdays.

You need a broom man and
a shovel man in order

to sweep the streets.

Wait a minute.

There's a lot of
local celebrities.

Why did you pick me?


- Well...
- You wanna be--

- Well, I'm thinking about
doing some standup comedy.

- Standup comedy.
- Myself.

- Right.

- Wanna read some of my jokes?

- Oh, yeah.

I'd love to read your jokes.

Not now, not while I'm eating,
but Jesus, that'd be great.

So, I used to live in the
People's Republic of Cambridge.

Neighbors who talked like this.

"You know, okay, so I am
totally against global warming.

"I voted against global warming.

"Everything is melting.

"The glaciers are melting,
the ice caps are melting,

"the polar bears are
actually melting.


- So, how'd you
start doing comedy?

- Read that, will ya?

I don't have my glasses.

- You can't be what you want
until you accept who you are.

- Makes no sense.


These fortunes,
they make no sense.

- It's all bullshit.

- I love him.

Lin saw me the first
time I was on stage.

- It's all bullshit!

- So, did you get an agent
when you started comedy?

- An agent?


We didn't get an agent.

We played places like this.

Chinese restaurants, bars,
clubs, funeral parlors.

Did you ever bomb
in a funeral parlor?

That is local comedy.

My name is Mary Ellen McCarthy.

I'm a Dorchester mother,
and I've always said,

"As long as my kids are happy.

"Whatever they wanna do,
as long as they're happy.

"My daughter's a hooker.

"God love her, she's got a pimp

"that dresses her
very beautifully.

"My son, he's in his
last year at Walpole.

"Not the high
school, the prison."

- So, what advice do you have
for someone starting out?

- You want advice?


Do drugs, go to rehab,
get off the drugs,

talk about it on TV.

- Drugs?

- Drugs.

It's a joke.

It's comedy.

It's like the Joker in Batman.

You know what I mean?

Wait 'til they get a load of me.

- Uh, yeah.

You must really love
doing comedy, then, huh?

- Comedy?

It's a curse.

It's like a love/hate

- Sounds like my parents.

They're getting divorced.

- Oh.

Well, that's too bad.

- So, one last question.

Are you happy?

- Am I happy?

What's that got to
do with anything?

You know every neighborhood
has got one of these guys here.


Are you shittin' me?

Are you shittin' me?

You gotta be shittin' me.

You can't shit a shitter.

So I go to the
doctor's the other day.

He told me I gotta
cut down on the beers

in the waitin' room.



What's that got to
do with anything?


Yeah, I'm happy.

Course I'm happy.

- Well, wouldn't you
rather be in L.A. starring

in your own sitcom or
maybe your own movie?

- No, no.

Look, they told me when I
started, don't do local material.

You'll get stuck.

Let me ask you something.

You tell me, is the stomach
of success or failure?

- It's a big stomach.

- All right, look, I'm
gonna tell you something.

I'm gonna have my own
cable special in L.A.

- Really?

That's so cool.

- Yeah, don't go blabbin' it.

It's gonna be happenin'.

Don't blab it.

- Can I tell my Science Club?
- No.


Don't tell, no.

- You're the funniest
fuckin' guy ever, Sweeney.

- Thank you.

- Funniest fuckin' guy ever!

- What a tribute, huh?

Coming from her?

Do you know what that
means to me as an artist?

- Do you think you could
come to my classroom

and talk about comedy?

It'd be awesome.

I'd get an A, for sure.

- There gonna be kids there?

- Yeah, it's a classroom.

- No, I can't.

I don't like kids, I hate kids.

- No, thank you.

- I can't do it, I hate kids.

Look, it's nothing personal.

It's just, I got
nothing to say to 'em.

- Did I mention my parents
are getting divorced?

- All right, I'll
come to your class.

- Really?

Yeah, I'll come to your class.

- That's so awesome!

Thanks so much, Sweeney!
- Oh yeah, great, great.

See ya later.
- That's my dad.

I gotta go.

- Okay, yeah, go.

Go, see ya.
- Okay, bye.

- Bye.

- You're like all
those other guys.

Probably got a little
hussy in your car.




Am I still funny?

- Can I get playback?

♪ Cleaning up your
gutters is what they do ♪

♪ The Gutter Guys
will see it through ♪

♪ Not the kinda thing
that you should do ♪

♪ Call those Gutter Guys ♪

♪ They'll do do do
do your gutters ♪

♪ They'll clean
up your gutters ♪

♪ Day and night-- ♪
- Hey, hey!

No playback, no playback!

♪ All day long, they
love gutters gutters ♪

- Sweeney?

- George.

Where you been?

- Told ya, I had a show a condo.

- Well, I'm standin' here like
the freakin' Canadian flag.

- I have shown this place
to the same people 12 times.

I think they're goin'
for squatter's rights.

- Have you heard from Gene?

- Don't worry about Gene.

He'll call.

- All right, well you gotta
get me outta this commercial.

- Why, what's the problem?

- It's too high.

- It's not too high.

- It's too high!

What do you mean,
it's not too high?

It's too high.

- It's not too high.

- Well, then you do it.

- They don't want me.

They want the Character King.

Plus, it's too high.

- Action!

- Hello, I'm a leaf.

We love the fall
because then we turn

into all these beautiful colors.

But leaves never leave.

They go into your gutter,
then they clog your gutter.

That's when you need
The Gutter Guys.

That's when...

Hey, could someone hold
this goddamn ladder?

- Sweeney, Gene called.

- What?

- For crying
out loud, cut!

♪ Gutters, gutters,
gutters, gutters ♪

♪ Gutter Guys get-- ♪

- Jesus.

Another fucking audition?

- Gene loves you, you know that.

You know how these things go.

- When is it?

- Next Saturday.

Give you plenty of time
to work on your set.

- Work on a set?

I have a set.

I don't need to work on a set.

- Yeah, 'bout that.

Gene doesn't really want
you doin' the characters.

- What?

- He thinks they're too local.

You know this is a national
spot, you gotta do jokes

that go over in Idaho.

- Idaho?

What am I gonna do?

An impression of a potato?

- Ah.

It's between you
and Heather Chase.

- What?

Are you fucking shitting me?


She's only been doing it
six months and she sucks.

- Yeah, that doesn't matter.

She's got the look
and everybody loves--

- Well, it matters to me.

I got integrity.

Remember when we
saw Richard Pryor?

He set the bar high.

We were going for somethin'.

- Said the man in
the leaf costume.

- Fuck it.

Fuck Gene, fuck the audition.

I'm not doin' it.

- All right, Sweeney,
Sweeney, Sweeney, hold on.

Let's be honest with each other.

You're not gonna get many
more chances like this.

I know it sucks, I really do.

You know.

But even if you don't
get the cable special,

you'll always be
the Character King.

No one can take
that away from ya.

- Yeah, Character King
with no characters.

All right, I'll think about it.

But you have gotta get me outta
this before I kill myself.

First time I had sex,
it was in the backseat

of my boyfriend's father's car.

With my boyfriend's
father, yeah.

Sex, do not enjoy sex.

It is for procreation only.

Read the label.

If you don't look at
it as procreation,

if you look at it as
pleasure, you will go to hell.


- You were really funny.

- Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank thank you.

Support local comedy.

Otherwise, I have to mug ya.

Hey, goodnight.

Thank you very much.

Who's there?

♪ Well, if only they
had checked to see ♪

♪ He mighta opened
up his heart ♪

- Hey,
what should I do?

- You know the shit
I've been through.

They didn't even want
me auditionin' for TV.

One fuckin' swear
and it was all over.

Thank fuckin' god for cable!

But you know what?

You can't let it worry ya.

Come on, we're almost there.

Keep up.

- Jesus Christ,
was that eight flights?

- Yep, come on, almost done.
- I know.

Are we doin' flight for one
of these charity's things?

We're climbin' for restless
legs or we're climbin'

for irritable bowels or
erectile disfunction?

- Okay, Sweeney.

This is gonna make the
hike all worthwhile.

Yes, indeed.

- Wow, I was wondering
what we were doin'.

- Come on over here
and help me out.

Make yourself useful.

Pull up that shade, but
don't pull it all the way up.

- Not all the way.

- Nope.

Ah, a little bit more.

That's perfect right there.

Atta boy.

Listen, if there's one thing
I learned in this business,

you gotta do what
makes you happy.

Sure, I had the broads,
the booze, the drugs,

the movies, the TV
show, but you know

what really made me happy?

- All of it.
- Absolutely.

- You
better believe it.

- But at the end of the day, I
was doin' what I wanted to do

and that's the key.

See, Sweeney, comedy
is introspection.

Everybody knows that.

Whether you're lookin'
for the perfect punchline

or the perfect comeback,

what we all basically are
lookin' for is approval.

Comedy comes from within.

If it doesn't manage to
finish on the outside,

nobody's laughin'.

You wanna know what to do?

Look in there.

And let me look in here.

Oh, you're new.

Oh, oh.

Oh, Gladys is back.

You musta got your hip fixed.

Oh, look at you.

That's my little bundle.

Don't you judge me, Sweeney.

Don't you fuckin' dare judge me!

- I'm not judgin' ya.

I just don't feel comfortable
while you're doin' this.

- Oh, get out.

Get out!

Oh, oh, oh.

Is that a downward
dog for daddy?



Stretch up, reach the sun.

Reach for the, oh yes, yes!

That's my Gladys.



- Grateful Dead's one of the
greatest bands of all time,

never had a number one hit.

"Friend of the Devil,"
it's a great song,

but is it better
than "Shake It Off?"

Yeah, I think so.

But just because it didn't
make it to number one,

that shouldn't matter.

- I'm not sure I
can follow this.

- Being true to yourself
is what matters,

unless what you seek
changes the truth.

Then maybe it's the real
truth that you seek.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Sort of.

- 'Scuse me?

- What?

- Can I get my sausage already?

- "Get my sausage?"

Can you hold on
one second, please?

My friend needs some
advice over here.

Let me talk to him
for one second.

Why don't you take
out your phone,

check your fuckin' Instant Dick
account there, Leather Lips?

- All right, Nick, I
can come back later.

- No, no!

Sweeney, it's all right!

Some people are just rude!

That'll be four bucks, sir.

- I already paid for it.

- Okay, here you go.

Uncircumcised, just
the way you like 'em.

- I agree with you
about the Dead, though.

- Oh, thank Christ,
I can sleep tonight.

Don't pander.

It's not becoming on you.


- I sucked in Little League.

My teammates used to
shout, "No batter,

"no batter, no batter"
when I was at bat.

My girlfriend dumped me.

Yeah, she threw all my
stuff out onto the sidewalk

and I live at home.

My cat sheds tears.

Thank you, good night.

- Tough set, huh?

- Yeah.

- You okay?

- I don't know, man.

That sucked.

- It really did.

Jesus, wow, they hated you.

And I can't blame 'em.

You know the guy in the back
who yelled out, "You suck?"

- Yeah, I think.

- Yeah, that was me.

I'm kidding.

These are jokes!

Come on!

You got good stuff.

You'll be all right.

Just stick with it.

If you stick with it,
you'll be miserable like me.

But you gotta stick with it.

- All right, come on, Sweeney.

We're waitin' for ya.

Let's go eat.

- That's Lily.

She's a human dark cloud.
- Oh, come on.

- You all right?

- Yeah, thanks Sweeney.

- So, it's an all-girls college.

200 girls sittin'
there lookin' at me.

You know what my
openin' line was?

I don't think I
brought enough condoms.


- Anyway, what were you saying?

- If I do the characters,
Gene's gonna give

the show to Heather.

- I think you owe it to
yourself to drop the characters.

You don't need to do them.

- Really?

- I did a benefit for a church.

There were nuns in the crowd.

Priest comes up to me
before the show, blesses me,

then tells me no bad language.

You know what my
opening line was?

How the fuck is everybody?


Then I did the joke
about how my penis looks

like my grandmother.

You know that bit.


I got nuns doubled
over with laughter.

They don't even know
what a penis is.

I didn't compromise.

- It's not compromising, Frank.

It's an adjustment.

It's okay to adjust.

- Let me remind you,
when I first moved here,

all I heard was Sweeney,
Sweeney, Sweeney,

like you were the only
comic that mattered.

Now, the guys you started
with, they moved on.

Sitcoms, movies, talk shows.

But you're still here,
you're still doin' it.

You know why?

'Cause you're the
Character King.

Why would you fuck with that?

- Okay, so what do you
think I should do, Lily?

- By the way, I saw Heather
totally fuckin' kill

the other night.

Now, she's got two
things goin' for her.

Every woman in the
audience wants to be her,

and every guy wants to fuck her.

And she's funny.

I heard she's movin' to L.A.

I think she's gonna be famous.


- I don't know, Jonathan.

I'm at a crossroads.

I feel like my whole life
hangs in the balance.

- You do understand Sweeney
that I'm not really a therapist?

I'm still gonna
have to charge you.

- This could be my last chance
to do something really big.

- See, I think you have to
remember that life is not

about last chances.

But having said that,
I see what you mean.

Sometimes in our work,
as in life, the lines

between comfort and
love are blurred.

And sometimes, we need
a challenge in order

to grow as a person.

It might be painful, but
change is what you need.

- Huh.

That makes sense.

- I'm so glad it makes sense
to you because I don't have

a fuckin' clue.

- Oh.

You know what?

That's what I need.

I need a challenge.

I need to shake things up.


Thank you, Jonathan.

- Sure.

Oh, hey Nicole, did I ever
tell you that my uncle used

to be a prominent
judge in New York City?

And now, he's a wino
living in Central Park,

but out of respect,
people still say,

"May I approach the bench?"

I think that's sweet.

- Hey, not for nothin',
how come we're doin' this

when you're right over there?

- For me, it's
technology, I love it.

And it seems like it's
more sanitary this way.

- Okay, they just
wanna reshoot the end

where you almost
fell off the ladder.

- George, I made up my mind.

- That's great.

Go change behind the tree.

- I'm gonna do the audition.

I'm gonna drop the characters
and then do the audition.

- Ah, that's just great.

It's fantastic.
- I feel good about it.

- I got a really good
feelin' about this.

- Me too, me too.
- Now, would you go

behind the tree?

- Hey Sweeney!
- Yeah.

- I just wanted to say we
really love your stuff.

- Great.

- I have a Gutter
Guys hat just for you.

- Thank you.

I'm good, but thank you.

- Sweeney?

Oh, don't worry about him.

He'll be fine.

He's just got a lot on
his mind, that's all.

It's gonna be great.

Let me just say that.

He loves gutters.

He talks about gutters all day.

Just gutters, gutters,
gutters, all day long.

Can't get enough.

Sometimes I will go home, I'll
be tryin' to get some rest,

he'll call me up, "Could we
talk more about gutters?"

And I go, "Come on, enough
with the gutters for today."

He was in a band
called the Downspouts.

Can you believe that?

It's gonna be great.

I'll go get him and
we'll take care of this.

You guys just stay
there and keep doin'...

Huge fan of gutters.


- So I travel.

Went to San Francisco recently.

Got my nipples pierced.

Don't worry, they
caught the guy.

That's my time.

Thank you, good night.

- Oh, Heather Chase, folks.

Let her know.


Heather's gonna be auditionin'
for her own comedy special,

so she'll be back.

Let's wish her luck.

- Nice set, Heather.

- Thanks.

Oh, you mean the show.

- I guess it's down to me and
you for this cable special.

You must be nervous?

- I don't get nervous, Sweeney.

I get ready.

And I am gonna nail that
audition and get the special.

- Huh, pretty sure of yourself.

Why's that?

- Well, I have something
that you don't have.

- Something I don't have?


- No.


- So, I'm outta practice
pickin' up women.

My line used to be,
I'd say to a woman,

"Listen, when you're done
vomiting, can I get your number?"

I went to the bar.

These two women, they'll
talkin' about a three way.

I'm thinkin', "Jesus, I
can't even get into a rotary.

"How do you merge?

"Which car goes in first?"

You guys have been
a great crowd.

Thank you.


- You've gotta call the
police, get these punks

off the street.

- I saw who did it.

- Then you should
definitely call the police.

- It was Jimmy.
- Who's Jimmy?

- Jimmy, you know.

- Who the hell is that?

- Jimmy, from my act.


- You're Jimmy from your act.

- No, it was Jimmy.
- Right.

And you're Jimmy.

So you mean he looked like you?

- No, no, no, no.

It was Jimmy.

It was Jimmy.

He had a broomstick.

- Why are we whispering?

- It was Jimmy.

- What the hell are
we talkin' about?

- Jimmy!

- What happened to your head?

- I cut it shavin'.

- Oh.

That sucks.
- Yeah.

- I can't wait to shave.

- Mm.

- So, you're still comin'
to my class, right?

- Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I'm comin' to your class.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Sweeney, this is Carla Fisher.

- Ah, wow.
- Hi.

- This your girlfriend?

I underestimated you.

- Uh, my mother.

- Oh, your mother.

Nice to meet you.

- Thank you.

I've heard a lot about you.

- My mom's a
documentary film maker.

- Okay.

The Happy Guy.

- I would love it if
you could watch it.

- It won first place at the
North Dakota Film Festival.

- And I sent it to
Sundance, fingers crossed.

- Yes!

It's about a guy who
lives under a bridge

with a lot of pigeons.

- Ah, nature movie.

- Well, also they actually
poop on him so much,

he dies from poop poison.

- You can die from that?

- Well, he had
other health issues.

But listen, let me
get to the point.

I think you would make
an amazing subject

for a documentary.

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah.

I like stories about
people that have fallen

between the cracks.

They're lost in No Man's Land.

They get--

- Pooped on.
- Pooped on sometimes.

Not pooped on, but overlooked.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Justin, I appreciate
what you're tryin' to do,

but I didn't fall
through any cracks.

I don't live under a bridge.

What am I, some
kind of freak show?

- No, of course not.

- What am I, the Elephant Man?
- Who?

- Listen, listen.

I'm trying to help you.

- How?

By makin' me into
some kind of loser?

- How about a documentary
about your life

up on the big screen?

- I don't know.


- Come on, you have
the story Sweeney

that film festivals love.

This could open all
kinds of doors for you.

Movies and television.

Local comedy legend finally
gets his shot at the big time.

Is he gonna get the comedy
special that propels him

to Hollywood, or is
he gonna, will he...

- Is he gonna, will he what?

- You tell me.

- Who's the Elephant Man?

- You don't
have to raise your hand.

- Oh hey, did ya
enjoy your time?

Make sure you take a card.

Or a pen.

So I've got my number on it.

Take a mint.

No, believe me, take a mint.

- George, George?

Where'd you go?

- Oh, yeah, a documentary.

No, no.

Sweeney, couldn't be happier.

That's great.

No, terrific.

- Oh yeah, that's what I said.

I jumped all over it.

No brainer.

- All right, all
right, I gotta go.

All right, thanks.

All right, bye.

- So, I thought the
show went pretty well.

- You did great.

- Thank you, you too.
- I thought that

your new stuff was great.
- Oh, I appreciate that.

- I thought it did.

- Yeah.

- Oh, anyway, so this woman
comes up to me after my set,

and she goes, "Why do you talk
about your vagina so much?"

I'm like, "Because I
don't have a dick."


- So, what do
you think of Sweeney?

- Oh, Sweeney's great.

I've only been doin'
comedy a few years,

but he's got me gigs.

I've opened for him a few times.

He's very helpful.

- Are
you wearing a bra?

- Justin!

- Hey, Sweeney.

How ya doin'?

So, last year, Sweeney and I
did an overnight corporate gig

up in northern Minn.

You know, where
everyone's related

and share each other's teeth.

We drove down together.

Long drive, but we had fun.

Show went great.

I opened.

Sweeney closed.

Then we went back to the motel

and that's when
things got weird.

So, we were sitting on the bed.

One thing leads to another.

And the next thing you know,
we're talking about how much

we got paid for the gig.

That was a mistake, I know.

Turns out we were
getting paid the same.

Sweeney was pissed.

He thought he should
be getting paid more.

But I'm a good comic, too.

I think he's jealous.

In fact, I know he is.

He should be.

- So, did you and Sweeney...

Were you a couple?

- Me and Sweeney?




- Are
you wearing a bra?

- Justin.

- Are you wearing a brain?

- Wait, wait.

You gave Heather the
Gutter Guys commercial?

Are you managing her now?

- No, I'm
not managing her now.


They needed somebody,
she's hot right now.

You didn't wanna do it.

Remember that part.

Yeah, I...

Yeah, no.

Hang on a second.

I'm dealing with people
that just stepped out

of an IKEA catalog.

Yeah, hasn't changed
in nine hours.

It's still oil heat.

They were experimenting
with the fire from a dragon.

But the food costs
were just too high.

- Are you gonna film everything?

- It's a documentary.

I'm documenting.

- Look, I'm done with this.

It's just business.

You gotta understand.

- Good morning.

- Yeah, what can I get for you?

- I want a breakfast sandwich.

I don't want it on a croissant.

I want it on an English
muffin, no cheese.

- No cheese?

- No cheese.

- How about American?

- No cheese.

Are you gonna get this?

You're texting.

- I'm not texting, I'm Tweeting.

You want cheddar?

- I do not want cheese.

Are you still Tweeting?

- No, now I'm actually texting.

But I have a good memory.

I'll be right back.

- Hey, Sweeney.

Wake up and smell the
powder, you back-stabbin'

son of a bitch.

- Here's your sprinkle donut.

No cheese, just cheddar.

- Are you fucking shitting me?

- It's not a bullet wound.

This is a scratch.

They're completely different.

Bullets leave holes.

- It was Fitzy.

It was Fitzy.
- Oh, no!

No, no.

We're not doin' this again.

- That was Fitzy.

He tried to kill me.

- Come on, first it was
Jimmy, now it's Fitzy.

What are you trying to tell me?

That somehow, through
some kinda magical spell

or an alternative universe,
the fictitious characters

you've created for your own
act, they've somehow come

to life and they're
trying to kill you?

- Yes.

- No, no, you're not doin' this.

You're tryin' to
sabotage the audition

because you're afraid.

- Look, I'm not
afraid of an audition.

- Yeah, maybe not the audition.

But you're afraid of
what you might find out,

which is being Character
King doesn't mean that much.

That came out wrong.

I'm sorry, I didn't
mean that, Sweeney.

I didn't.

- It's okay, it's okay.

That's it.

I throw them out of my act,
then they try to kill me.

- You ever stop to think,
Sweeney, that maybe there's

a bookie or a jealous husband,
maybe an ex-girlfriend,

somebody real, might
wanna see ya dead?

- They all wanna see me dead.

That's not what
I'm talkin' about.

The fictitious ones are
the ones who are tryin'

to actually do it!

- Okay, you
know what you need?

- What?

- You need a real shower, and
I need to get us some coffee.

Stop playin' with that.

- Sweeney, my man!

It's Justin.

Just toon.

Thinking about using
that for my stage name.

Uh, you're still comin'
to my class, right bro?

I'm almost done
with my assignment.

My dad's gonna proof
it, make a few changes.

I think you'll like it.

I'm at my mom's.

Call me back.

Okay, bro.


Later on.

- Ah, that's funny.


You back?

Mother fuckin'!

Fuckin' Jesus, mother fuckin'!

What the fuck is
goin' on around here?

Stay away from me, you old hag!

Oh, not you, June.

It's just someone's
tryin' to kill me.

Hey, say hi to Sal.

- Was that Mary
Ellen that just ran past?

- Yeah.

- She's even uglier
as a real person.

- I heard that.

You're no box a
chocolates yourself!

- Now I'm takin' shit from
a fictional character?

Yeah nah, it's nothing big.

You were lucky this time.

- Maybe I should kill them.

- Look, don't do
anything stupid.

If somethin' happens to them,
doesn't summin' happen to you?

- I don't know.

I don't know how this works.

- Okay, first thing we gotta
do is cancel that audition.

- Oh, no.

That's exactly what they want.

- Okay, listen, I got a cousin.

He's got a place down the Cape.

You go down tomorrow, you
sit by the ocean, relax.

Breathe some salt air.

It'll clear your head.

- It's gonna take
more than salt air

to get rid of these freaks.

- Comics have a natural
self-destructive nature.

Why else would we get on
stage in the first place?

Other than to get laid.

The thing is it's our subconscious
that will do all sorts

of things to protect us.

Which begs the question,
what are you afraid of?

- I don't know.



Everything in between.

- What about bees?

I have this profound fear
of all flying insects,

but especially bees and
the North American Wasp.

In fact, I used to see
a behavioral therapist

and she had a tiny waist, and
I end up thinking one day,

"Well, how do I know
that she's not with them?

"Not their queen?"

Anyway, the first week,
she puts me alone in a room

with three or four dead bees.

And then a week later,
six or seven live bees.

And then I come
back the next month

and I'm alone in a room
with a dead horse's head.

I mean the head of a dead horse.

I have to assume it was dead.

And I don't like to beat
a dead horse, but it's not

the worst thing I've ever done.

- He was amazing, really.

He had no family, no
friends, but he claimed

that he was happy living
under that bridge.

Gees, the guy had
a master's degree.

He did not have
to be under there,

but he wanted to
be true to himself.

And I guess I felt
a connection to him.

To his passion.

- Well, with all due
respect, the guy's an idiot.

- This might sound
cold, but I don't know

if I would've won that award
if it wasn't for him dying.

The dying is what really
made that movie special.

- Hmm.

Now I had always heard
that bird shit was lucky.

- Guess not.

Are you all right?

- I gotta go.

I gotta get outta here.
- Whoa, what is it?

- I gotta get outta here.
- Talk to me.

- It's hard to explain.

The characters in my
act have come to life.

- They've come to life.

- That's not the crazy part.

The crazy part is they're
trying to kill me.

- What?

- Well, they've
already attacked me.

My hand, my face.

They've attacked me.

- Okay, time out.

So you're telling me that
the imaginary characters

from your act are
trying to kill you?

- Yeah.
- What?

Oh, my god, they're alive!
- They're alive.

They're like the living dead,
except they were never alive.

- Why didn't you tell
me about his before?

- I thought I was
just going crazy.

- For god's sakes,
film festivals love stories like this.

This could get me the
Pom d'Or at Cannes.

- Yeah, well it
could get me killed.

- Where's my camera?

Can you tell me your name?

- 'Course I can, I've
known him for years.

Oh, you want me to say it?

Jimmy Yannel.

I work for the Water
and Sewer Department.

- Can you tell me
a little about yourself?

- I just did.

- I love to knit.

I knitted a scarf, mittens.

Right now, I'm knittin'
a bathing suit.

- So, are you
upset with Sweeney?

- Yes, I am.

He throws us out of his act.

He moves to Hollywood,
what do I get?


Knit one, pearl two.


- Sweeney?

Totally self-centered.

Fascist, misogynist, xenophobic.


I'm riding a Nomad bike.

I've got it right in
the back of my Hummer.

I'm doing a 60 minute bike ride

to save the endangered mosquito.

That's a bee.

Don't even go there.

- Are you married?

Do you have a girlfriend?

- No, I do not.

But in 1974, I kissed
Marie Akarelli on the lips

for one full hour,
and I can still taste

her beautiful Marlboro breath.

- I've been in Sweeney's
act for 20 years.

It's like a prison sentence,
but without the prison sex.

- Why do I wanna kill Sweeney?

Well, let me tell
ya, sweetheart.

Maybe 'cause I can't
stand the son of a bitch.

Maybe because he's got no balls.

Now, is that clear enough
for ya, or would you like

to spray Windex on it?

- What the fuck?

What do you want?

- It's not what
we want, Sweeney.

It's what you want.

- You want to leave us behind.

- Hey listen, I just
wanna grow, okay?

- Grow?

- How much taller
do you wanna be?

- Look at all this sand!

I better start sweepin'
now, even though it's not

a Monday or a Tuesday.

- If you would just like put
us back in your act, Sweeney,

we would like, just
like disappear.

- Look, I can't put
you back in my act.

If I put you back in my act,
then I won't go to Hollywood,

I won't get the cable special.

- My frickin' heart
bleeds for ya.

- I'm tellin' your
mother, Sweeney.

- So much goddamn sand!

- Look, it's not you, it's me.

I love you guys.

Come on, we had a lot
of great times together,

but it's over.

Let it go!

- I guess that's it then.

- Okay, like goodbye?

- Yeah, it's over.

Let's kill 'im.

Come on, Sweeney!

Put 'em up, put up your dukes!

- Put up my dukes?
- Kill 'im, Fitzy.

- 'Scuse me, rude
to leave before we kill you.

- Jesus,
Mary and Joseph.

- Now I know how
a baby seal feels.

- He's dead.

I told him buckle your helmet.

- Holy shit!

You killed Marshall.

- I didn't kill 'im.

He fell.

- He
must be on crack.

- Let's kill Sweeney,
then we go somewhere else

to bury the body.

- Kick him in the balls,
if you can find 'em.

- Now it's your turn
to die, Sweeney.

All life started in the ocean,
and you're gonna die in it.

- Wait a minute.

That's it.

I created you all.

All those nights on
stage, all those shows.

I created you.

You don't get rid of
me, I get rid of you.

- He is on crack.

- This is over.

I want you outta my life,
I want you outta my act.

I don't wanna be a
local celebrity anymore.

I wanna be a big time celebrity.

I wanna go to Hollywood.

I wanna get a sitcom.

I wanna get a cable special.

Shit, I wanna get cable.

I wanna be on the Celebrity
Family Feud, the Pyramid.

I wanna dance with
the fuckin' stars!

- Sweet Mary and Joseph, he
has lost his freakin' mind.

- I don't want you
people anymore.

I want you outta my life.

Go back to where you came from.

I want you gone for good.

- That's what you want?

- Yeah!

That's what I want.

You're outta my life.

You're outta my act.

Go away.

It is over.

- Sweeney kicked us out.

What are you gonna do?

That's what the guy wants.

Sometimes people gotta
learn the hard way.

♪ And I'm takin' my time ♪

♪ I'm waiting for you ♪

♪ Words can't describe ♪

♪ The things that I do ♪

♪ Instead of waiting ♪

♪ I slip out from the door ♪

♪ The sun is shinin' ♪

♪ Brighter than before ♪

♪ I'm tired of waiting ♪

♪ Waiting for your touch ♪

♪ No hesitating ♪

♪ No more, thanks ♪

♪ Prima donna ♪

♪ You know I wanna ♪

♪ Your drop-top Mercedes ♪

♪ Lipstick ♪

- Well, I always thought I'd
transition into another kind

of work, but just
never happened.

Comedy's like a curse.

It's not that easy to
just get rid of it.

- So what happens if you
don't get the comedy special?

- Life goes on.

I will always be able to
put food on the table.

Dishes, hoo, that's
another thing.

I've worked hard to establish
a reputation locally,

so I'm just--

Hold on.

- Sweeney,
it's me, yeah.

I got you a gig for tonight.

Yeah, it's not much money,
it's two hours away.

Some PTO thing.

But at least it'll get
you away for the night.

You want it?

- Sure.

I gotta go, sorry.

- Where?

- I gotta gig.

- Oh, well, I'll come.

- No, it's not a gig gig.

It's a shit gig.

It's a two-hour drive.

- Great.

- Great?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

So, is this how you
get most of your work?

Last minute?

- No.

Yeah, well, sometimes.

Sometimes, yeah.

So Justin is with
the dad tonight?

- Yeah.

- Divorce.

Now that has gotta be tough.

- Well, it's not easy.

- Yeah.

What happened?

Did he cheat on ya?

- No, of course not.

- Oh, you cheated on him?

- No.

We just...

- Ah.

You grew apart.

- No.

We just didn't grow, period.

So what about you, Sweeney?

Do you have a significant other?

Have you ever been
engaged, married, divorced?

- Let's just say
mistakes were made.

In July, I'm running
a 100-yard dash

for premature ejaculators.

A little history of the race.

It began as a marathon.

And it became a half
marathon, and then...

Because they're premat...

Do you ever get outta the house?

You're the comedian
on a cruise ship

and people come up to you
and say, "Oh, you stay

"on the ship?"

Oh, no.

I swim next to the ship.

And then when
we're 150 miles out

in the shark-infested
water, they scoop me up,

they dry me off, I tell
a few stupid jokes,

then they throw me overboard.

Then I gotta swim
back to catch my plane

for the big gig here.

This is Carla.

She's a film maker.

She's got a documentary,
won a bunch of awards.

Check it out.

This okay?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

I'm fine.

Thank you, so much.

Good night.

- I'm not goin' to bed.

I'm gonna sit up
and watch you sleep.

- I don't know if I've
ever told you this

but I think you're
really talented.

- No, you have not told me that.

Thank you.

- Did you always know that
you wanted to be a comedian?

- I don't know.

Yeah, well, I always
made people laugh.

It's like school, family, jobs.

But bein' normal,
now that's different.

Phew, that's the challenge.

- Well, you're kind of normal.

- Well, I don't feel
that way lately.

So that's why I like
to get on stage.

I get on stage, I
feel comfortable.

But I don't really know
if that's what I wanna do.

- Well, I was just
wondering, Sweeney,

if maybe you wanna do this?

- Yeah, that's what I wanna do.

- Hey.

You runnin' out on me?

- Oh, no I didn't
wanna wake you up.

Yeah, I'm goin' out to get
some coffee and bagels.

- Mm.

Do you want me to just
make something here?

- Sure.

Do you have any food on you?

- No.
- I don't have any food.

I don't have any food.

I'll get some bagels.

- Okay.

Hey, do you happen to
know where my pants are?

- Your pants?
- My pants.

- Oh, I sold 'em on eBay.

- Not again.

- No, here they are.

I didn't think you'd mind.

- Thank you, Sweeney.

- Sweeney!

- Oh my god, it's Justin.

I don't want him to see me here.

- Justin, what are
you doin' here?

- You were supposed
to come to my class.

- Oh, shit!

I forgot.

- I had to tell my
teacher you were dead,

that you died in a hot
air balloon accident.

- Dead?

Hot air?

Are you shitting me?

A hot air balloon?

- I thought we were buddies.

You let me down, you're a jerk.

- I'm sorry.

- Here's my
stupid assignment.

I thought you'd wanna read it.

I don't want it any more.

- Wow.

- My dad's waiting.

- Justin?


I'll make it up to ya!


- Hey, I'm sorry, Sweeney.

He didn't mean it.

Now I'll talk to him.

- I think I'm quittin'
the real estate business.

Once you get this cable special,

I think I'll be able to quit.

- Are you sure you don't
wanna sit down and eat that?

- No, my doctor says I should
be gettin' more exercise.

- Do you wanna
hear summin' crazy?

- I have heard a lot
of crazy things lately.

- I think I'm fallin' for Carla.

- Really?

That's good.

I like her.

- Hey, no moves.

You know how you
are with the ladies.

No moves.

- My hands are full already.

I wouldn't move on your move.

Who taught you the moves?

- You did, you're right.
- I taught you my moves,

now you use my moves.

I would never use my moves

against your moves.
- Okay, I got it.

Thank you.

So, I went to the
Museum of Fine Arts.

First of all, some of
the paintings are as old

as the people that work there.

But the art, it's abstract.

So I'm lookin' at this one
painting, just for like

an hour and half, I'm
saying, "Is it a man?

"Is it a woman?"

And that was just the bathroom.

- Sweeney, you killed it!
- Nice job, Sweeney.

- Good set, Sweeney.

- Thank you, thank
you, thank you.

- And you didn't even
have to use your crutches.

I mean characters.

- You my friend are
ready for this audition.

I can see it in your eyes.

- Please don't look in my eyes.

- And you haven't heard
from your you know who's?

- No, I told you, they are gone.

- Okay.

This is gonna be a
defining moment for you.

Every comic has a
defining moment.

Mine was when I quit.

Oh, I love comedy.

It just wasn't for me.

So I guess I live vicariously
through Sweeney now.

The recognition, the
one-night stands.

The 15%.

- So, has Sweeney
ever had a steady girlfriend?

- Ah, not as long
as I've known him.

All his girlfriends
have been unsteady.

Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- Do you rent or own?

- So, my mother still
sends me money in the mail,

which is weird because
I'm 31 years old.

And we live together.

My mother had me when
she was 17 years old.

A junior in high school.

My father was older.

He was a senior.

He was 70.

- So do you have any pre-show
rituals that you go through?

- Sometimes I like
to sit undisturbed,

quiet, without talking.

- Hey!
- Hey Gene!

- Hey, George, George!

Sit down, sit down.

How are you, baby?

How's the real estate business?

- Ah, it's good, it's good.

- Really?

I hear real estate sucks!

- Yeah, it does.

Hey, how's that
beautiful wife of yours?

- Oh!

That broad's leavin' me.

- That slut.

She lookin' for a condo?

- Oh, look it there.

This guy, this guy!

I love this guy!

- Sweeney.

Are you kidding, Sweeney.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sweeney, Sweeney,
it's of course.

My mind went blank for a second.

A couple of cocktails,
and you know.

Oh, look who's it.

Hey, Heather!

How are ya, baby?
- Hi, Gene!

- Oh, how are you, sweetie pie?

- It's
so good to see you.

- Oh, you look great.

Doesn't she look great, huh?

- Hey, what about my hug?

- Ah.

That guy!

I love that guy!

Is it?

Funny guy.

Come on.

Gonna go on.

Come on, I can't
wait to see your set.

I'll see ya later.

Funny guy.

I like that guy.

- Am I that forgettable.

- Oh, he just couldn't
think of your name.

Sometimes I can't
think of your name.

- My mother's only 59 and she's
already starting to lose it.

You know what I mean?

She keeps forgetting things.

She called me up the
other day and asked me

what an orgasm was.

And I was like, "Mom,
it's that euphoric feeling

"that you get whenever
Dad leaves the house."

- I'm gonna do about five
minutes between you and Heather.


- Yeah, don't introduce
me as the Character King.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever
you want Sweeney.

- I used to work in an office.

Constant sexual harassment.

Of course, most of it
was coming from me.

Hey, Kevin, you
look a little tired.

Late night?

You and the misses
gettin' it on?

What's your favorite position?



Anyway, you people
have cheered me up.

Thank you very much.

Good night.

- Great fucking set, Heather.

That new joke totally killed.

- Good set.

- Thanks.

I left a few laughs
out there for ya.

- Give it up for Heather
Chase, ladies and gentlemen.

Let her know!

Heather Chase!

Very sexy.

Very sexy Heather Chase.

But my girlfriend, not sexy.

No, not sexy at all!

Listen, she farts
when she has sex.

At least that's what
her father says.

All right, on that note,
ladies and gentlemen,

your final performer
for the evening.

He's a local legend.

Please give it up for
Boston's Character King!


- I told you not to say that.

- Yeah, yeah, whatever
you need, Sweeney.

- Hey, how are you?

Good to see you.

How ya doin'?

You look great.

I know what you're thinkin',
but I am not as old as I look.

I did a lot of drugs
in high school.

Last week.

I eat meat.

Let me put it in another way.

I hate fucking vegans.

I like to get up
early in the morning.

I work out for an hour,
that way, I get it over with

for the whole year.

Hey, can you be a little
more careful with my career?

This is a big audition.

- I'm just tryin'
to make a livin'.

- Oh, shit!

- Oh, man.

Is he gonna be okay?

- I don't know.

Give me a shot of anything.

- Okay, anyway, this guy
comes up to me in the subway,

he says to me, "Give me a buck
and a half or I'll touch ya."

So, I let him touch me.

I'm a lonely guy.
- Coming through,

coming through, come on.

Pick up the feet,
pick up your feet.

Coming through, coming through.

This won't take long, funny man.

Coming through.

- Jesus, I need a shovel man.

You can't sweep a street
without a broom and a shovel.

This is a five-man job.

I'm doin' all five jobs.

- Hey, why don't
you say somethin'?

- Hey, what's your problem, pal?

You see what I gotta
deal with, huh?

All right, what were
we talkin' about?

- You were talkin' about
your miserable life.

- Oh, shit.

- Why don't you talk
about how you treat

your friends, clown?


- Hey, fuck you!

- Fuck you!

Oh, that's clever.

Jesus Christ.

Where's my pen?

How long did it take
ya to write that one?

Wow, Shakespeare
got nothin' on you.

James Joyce.

My god, he's green
with freakin' envy.

- All right.

That's been my time.

Thank you.

♪ I'm lost in space ♪

♪ Each passing day ♪

- I'm so sorry, Sweeney.

- Can you turn that thing off?

♪ Floats by my window ♪

♪ Like a worried mind ♪

♪ Round and round ♪

♪ This silent earth ♪

♪ Day into night ♪

- What?

- Sweeney?

Yeah, it's George.

- I know.

- Yeah, I
talked to Gene today.

He was a little hung over.

But basically, he
really liked ya.

He knows you're funny.

He knew the crowd was tired.

He's seen ya kill before.

He's a pretty sharp guy.

They're givin' the
special to Heather.

I got a gig for ya.

It's at a Crusty Pizza.

Three-hour drive and
there's a free slice in it.

- No.

- Hey?

Do you wanna go outside
and get some fresh air?

- Hey, can you turn
that camera off?

- It is off.

- Wow, you wanted me to fail.

- What?

- For your stupid movie.

That's how it works.

- What are you talking about?

- You said it yourself.

The other movie, the guy
who lives under the bridge,

if he doesn't die, the
movie doesn't work.

If I don't bomb, this
movie doesn't work.

- Oh, my god!

Are you blaming me?

- I'm not blaming anyone.

I'm just saying, you
wanted me to fail.

- Wow!

You know what, pal?

I'm not one of your imaginary
characters that's trying

to kill you.

I'm actually trying to help you.

- You're trying to help me?
- Yes.

- By making me
look like a loser?

- You know what, Sweeney,
there is somebody

that you can blame.

- Oh.


- Sweeney.

- What are
you doin' out here?

- Lookin' for my dog.

- You have a dog?

Hey listen, now that
you're here, I'm goin'

though all this stuff.

This woman just walked out
on me, I'm bombin' on stage,

I want you to give
me some advice.

- My advice to you
is to stop thinkin'.

You're thinkin' too much.

You take all this
information, everyone,

all this infinite
amount of information.

The brain has no end.

It'll take everything in.

You need to stop new
information, take the information

that's already in your head,
meaning your whole life,

and then push it to the side.

You need to have no information.

You need to have a blank.

Not just nothin'
for a little while.

- Blank?

- Blank, nothin' in
your head at all.

A few seconds here,
a few seconds there.

It all adds up.

To me, I do it.

It adds up to about 15 minutes
a year where I have nothin'

in my head.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
15 minutes a year?

- Yes.

- I need help now.

I want your advice now!

- That's the perfect example
of what I'm talkin' about.

You're analyzing a
year, now, 15 minutes.

You see all the
thinking you just did.

You think too much.

You need to have nothin'.

Believe me, if I didn't
do it, I would be insane.

It works.


- Steven, you don't
have a dog, do you?

- Here, Freddy!



- Sweeney?

Open up.

Come on, man, we gotta talk.

Do I smell gas?

- Bombing sucks.

So I've heard.

I'm kidding.

We've all been there.

But if you bomb, you move on.

If you keep bombing, you
move on to another career.

- You bomb, you move on!

You bomb, you move on!

Hi, I found some pizza.

- You found it?

- I thought you had
your head in the oven.

- What do you want, Frank?

- I gotta show you somethin'.

You are gonna shit.

You want some pizza first?

- Oh, my god.
- Yeah.

- Sweepin' shit on the
street is a lot like life.

Especially if you're life is
sweepin' shit on the street.

- He's not even funny.

- Wait.

There's more.

- When I was young, I used to
love to listen to the Beatles.

Not the band, insects.

Now, for music, I
loved Frank Sinatra.

Oh, god, when he
would sing "My Way,"

I'd say, "You can have
your way with my way,

"and I can go both ways."


- Funny stuff.
- Huh?

- No bullshit.

- You're not gonna believe it.

There's more.
- More?

- Watch.
- Jesus, god.

- I went to Catholic
school with the nuns.

I was talkin', they
suspended me for three days,

from the freakin' ceilin'.

- Go back to where
you came from.

You ruined my audition,
you're not gonna ruin my life.

Get out.

- I got news for ya, Sweeney.

You already kicked us
outta your life, 'member?

You kicked us out, now
we're kickin' you out.

- You ready, Fitzy?

- Sure, sweetheart.

She wants a few tips on comedy.

- Wait a minute, you
don't kick me out.

You don't exist without me.

- That's the funny thing
about this magical shit.

It's unpredictable.

Come on, baby.

- Here's somethin'.

10 years ago, according
to Geraldo Rivera,

three Buddhist monks
from a novel came to life

while he was doin'
a story in Tibet.

- Yeah, but did they
try to kill 'im?

- It says here, yeah.

Even the monks hate Geraldo.

- Maybe that's what I should do.

Maybe I should try to
kill my characters.

- You serious?

- It's not a bad idea.

They don't exist anyway, right?

- Sweeney?

Don't do anything stupid.

- Listen, there's nothin'
I can do about it.

My hands are tied.

They want Heather,
they don't want you.

- Listen to me,
just ask them again.

Ask them--

- I've asked them
a million times.

She's doin' a good job.

Her stock is up.

They want her.

They don't want you anymore!

- You my manager?
- Of course.

- You're fired.

- Come on, Sweeney, 30 years.


- Thanks
for meetin' me.

- You're late.

What do you want?

- I want to apologize.

- Okay.

- Are we gonna finish
the documentary or what?

- I'm sorry, did I
miss the apology?

- I'm sorry.

Are we gonna finish
the documentary?

- No.

I think we need to
put that on hold.

I've got other projects
that I'm working on, so--

- Okay, so you're gonna
walk away for no reason.

- No reason?


- Hey, did you ever see this
guy sweepin' the streets?

Real loser.

I know the bit, Frank.

It just wouldn't come out.

- I knew a guy in Cleveland.

Always forgot his act.

- I didn't forget my act, Frank.

It just wouldn't come out.

Something prevented
it from coming out.

I didn't forget the bit, Frank.

- 30 years of
comedy down the drain.

- What are
ya gonna do, Sweeney?

You gotta do
somethin', but what?

- There's
nothing he can do.

It's over!

- He can sweep.

Come on, Sweeney, get up
and sweep, sweep, sweep.


- I gotta kill 'em.

Die, you piece of shit!

- You gotta wake
up pretty late to fool me,

expecially on a Wednesday.

- Where did he go?

♪ There is a big ♪

- Quarters!

I need quarters for the bridge
and for the tonic machine.



I'm talkin' to you,
you piece of shit.

I'll rip that wallet
right outta your pants

with my teeth.

Come on!

Come on!

Is that it, you stingy bastard?

♪ Oh my ♪

- Quarters!

♪ Hold me to ♪

- Sweeney?

I will take that belt, I will
wrap it around your balls,

and I will tear them off
of your body and stick 'em

in your ear!

Oh, you don't believe me?

♪ Help me move ♪

- It's a good thing you
didn't kill your characters.

You don't know what
coulda happened.

- Frank, this is not good.

My life is out of control.

- Then get it back in control.

- I'm tryin' to--
- But, I don't think

you should be killin' anybody.

Speakin' of kill, did I
tell about this gig I did

in Kingston the other night.

I fuckin' killed.

And I ordered a latte.

- All right!

Ladies and gentlemen, this
next comedian is going

to be filming her
own comedy special.

So without any further
adieu, give it up

for the very funny, the
very sexy Heather Chase!

- Wow, what a great crowd!

Thank you.

It's great to be here.

Yeah, so I'm getting
a network special.

Thank you, thank you.

It's really exciting,
and I didn't even have

to blow anyone to get it.

But I did anyway.

I'm superstitious like that.

- So, this is your new project?

Filming Heather?

- I'm working.

- Look, I said I was sorry.

What else do you want me to say?

- Well, for starters,
how 'bout not blaming me

for your failures.

- I'm not blaming...


Gene, I am so glad
you are still here.

- I gotta go.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

- Gene, Gene, Gene?

Gene, listen.

- What?

- I apologize for the
set the other night,

for the audition.

It was an off night.

Give me another shot.

Let me do another set.

- You already
had your chance.

I gotta pee.

Leave me alone!

- Gene, I have been
waiting 30 years for this!

- I've been
waitin' 10 minutes to pee!

Get out of my face!

- Gene, just five minutes!

Just give me a
set, five minutes?

- Oh, my
god, leave me alone!

- Oh, it was them!

They ruined it!

They ruined it!

- Oh, my god!

What is wrong with you?

Will you get outta my face?

God, I hate this fucking job.

- Thank you so much.

You've been a great crowd.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- I gotta talk.

I don't know.

Did I bring this on myself?

Did I sabotage my own audition?

Am I crazy?

- I have a test for crazy.

Stay with me here.

It's the end of your
life and God is standing

in front of you.

Little guy.

And he says, "Sweeney,
you've had a good life.

"Now you can either come with
me and live in eternal bliss

"or you can live your
life over again knowing

"what you now know."

Which would you choose?

- Oh, I'd live my
life over again.

- You are fucking crazy.

- I can't live with the idea

of my characters
runnin' loose out there.

- Well, exactly.

The longer your
characters are out there,

the less you will
come to matter.

- Huh.


- So I've heard.

- Wait a minute.

You did this!

Somehow, you made my
characters come to life.

- Sweeney, come on, me?

Okay, you're right.

I did it.

- Now, it makes sense.

You're the one who told
me to drop the characters

from my act.

- I never said that.

All I said was you needed
to challenge yourself.

- How'd you do it?

- I can't explain it.

Let's just say, in
the world of animation

you can pick up a few tricks.

You needed a challenge,
I provided one.

- Okay, fine.

You made them come to life,
now you get rid of them.

- I'm afraid it
doesn't work that way.

Actually, Sweeney,
I'm lying about that.

I'm not afraid.

- Okay, what am
I supposed to do?

I lost the comedy special,
I pushed my friends away

and there's a bunch a
mes out there tryin'

to ruin my life.

- Let me ask you
something, Sweeney.

What is it that makes you happy?

- Ugh!

Not this, not now!


- Well, the trick is to
let life be the journey.

But let happiness,
and this is important,

let happiness be your shoes.

- Oh, that is good.

What the hell does it mean?

- I have no idea.

I read it on a
fortune cookie once.

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'm just tryin' to
see where I belong ♪

♪ It's just me ♪

♪ Here in my skin ♪

♪ And I'm waitin' for
the world to begin ♪

♪ And that's just fine ♪

♪ I'm just tryin'
to figure out ♪

♪ Is this why ♪

- The Character King,
by Justin Schlob.

Justin's homework.


What a shitty last name.

Sweeney, blah blah blah,
30 years of comedy.

Should be admired
for his perseverance,

envied for his
talents and admonished

for his insecurities.


He wears his celebrity
status like a suit of armor.

Nearly impenetrable.

Scratched and scarred with
mementos of where he's been

and reminders of where
he still wants to go.


On stage, Sweeney is
a long head at home,

ready to do battle.

The conquistador, hmm, in
the center of the spotlight,

hurling jokes like canon fire
as he slays another crowd,

another night, another
show, another triumph

in the monarch of
the Character King.


Justin, your little shit,
you're a good writer.


Not bad.

- Were you gonna litter?

- Give me that!

What the fuck?

What are you guys doin' to me?

- You got nothin' to
live for, Sweeney.

- Get away from me, you
crazy fuckin' creatures!

Get away!

Get the fuck away from me!

You fuckin' crazy fucks!

Get away!

- Don't push him over so quick!

I wanna get in a
few more touches.

- This make you feel good?

You want it, then take it.

Enjoy, Sweeney.

- Oh, life.










I know what makes me happy!


- You're not talkin' about me?

- No!


On stage!

Comedy makes me happy!

Being the Character
King makes me happy!

Impressin' some high
school kid makes me happy!

My life makes me happy!

- You see for me, it's
that second cup of coffee.

- I gotta go.

I know exactly what I gotta do.


James Monroe Yannel?

I wanna talk to you.

I was wrong.

I shouldn't a kicked
you outta my act.

If I go to Hollywood,
it'll be with you guys!

- You missed a spot.

You don't know
what you're doin'.

You don't know how to sweep.

- Jimmy, I always liked you.

You were the first
alcoholic I ever did.

Jimmy, listen.

How would you like to
get laid in my act?

- Laid?


- Jimmy Yannel on a date.

- Not on a Monday or a Tuesday.

- You're gonna be a funny bit.

Hey, sorry for the
whole school thing.

- Whatever.

- So, what are you doin'?

You got another
project you're doin'?

- I had to find a new
comic to write about.

- Hmm.


- No, her.

- Beat it, perv.

- No wait, Mary Ellen,
I wanna talk to ya.

- I got nothin' to say to you.

- I want you back.

Come on, Mary Ellen, I need ya.

- Forget it, Sweeney.

- Okay, fine.

Have you met the new woman in
my act, Margaret O'Sullivan?

Oh, my god, Sweeney was right.

You are a whore.

- Who are you callin'
a tramp, you tramp?

- Another.

- Why should I trust you?

- Because I gave you life.

Come back to the act.

- Well, if you're gonna
be a beggar, yeah.



- Where'd she go?

What did you do?

- She's back where she belongs.

- Oh great.

Now I have to find someone
else to write about.

- Don't worry about it.

You'll find someone.

- Shut up, Sweeney.

My dad's here.

- Oh, god, my dogs are barkin'.

Hey Justin?

Come on, I wanna meet your dad.

- You gotta wear the suit.

You are Heather are
like Mr. And Mrs. Leaf.

- Right.

How would you like
to snap my twig?

- Let's just do this.

I got a flight to catch.

- Fitzy?

Me and you gotta talk.

- Come on, Fitzy!

We don't got time for this!

- It'll only take a second.

- I know why you're
here, Sweeney.

You wanna get rid of me,
but you don't have the balls

to do it.

That's what I thought.

- Come on, Fitzy.

- Hold your horses.

- Fitzy, wait.

- You son of a bitch.

- I don't want that
shit in my documentary.

- Wait, wait!


I didn't come here to kill you.

I came here to bring you home.

If keepin' you out of
my act means I won't go

to Hollywood then so be it.

I love ya, man.

Come on.

This makes me happy.

- That makes me happy.

See ya around, Sweeney.

- Jesus, Sweeney, you all right?

- Terrific.

Hey, I'm sorry I fired you.

- Oh, don't worry about it.

- I do worry about it.

You're a good friend.

Hey, take this number.

This is a guy
lookin' for a condo.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Hey!

Hey, can I get a
little help up here?

- You okay?

- Yeah, oh.

Hey, I'm sorry.

- Yeah.

- No, no.

No excuses.

I am sorry.

- Jesus!

- Whoa!

- This whole thing,

- Yeah, really
unbelievable, right?


I wonder if Heather's okay?

- That was a bad-lookin' fall.

- Oh, my god.

Oh yeah, no.

No, that's great.

Okay, thanks.

Holy shit!
- What?

- I made the sale!
- Wow!

- Your ex is
gonna take that condo.

- No way!

Oh, my god.

He wanted to be
closer to Justin.

- This is so great.

Thanks, Sweeney.

- Ah.

- Yeah, no, I gotta
go make money.

- All right.

- That was really nice.

- Well he deserved it after
everything I've put him through.

I guess I gotta go.

See ya around.

- Wait.

Are we gonna finish
this movie, or what?

- Oh.

- Thanks for comin', Sweeney.

- Oh, no problem,
I owed it to you.

- I'll tell me
teacher you're here.

This is gonna be awesome.

- Hey, Justin.

- Oh, hey Laura, hey.

- I'm really lookin' forward
to your guest speaker today.

- Yeah, cool cool.

- See you in class?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.


- See ya in class.

- I'll see you inside.

- I love you, sweetie.

- Good kid.
- Yeah, he is.

So speaking of kids Sweeney,
what are you gonna say to them?

- Wow.

Here's what I'm gonna say.

After all the sacrifices,
victories, the defeats,

one day you're gonna wake
up, you're gonna look

in the mirror and you're
gonna say, "Am I happy?

"Am I really happy?"

My mother used to say if
you find a job you love,

you'll never work a day in your
life, and she lived by that.

She got fired from
every job she ever had

'cause she never showed up.

Not my point.

The point is talent without
hard work is nothing.

Talent without hard work
is like you're wearin'

a beautiful suit, but
you have skid marks

on your underwears.

Talent is like a seed.

You have to water
it with hard work.

So what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna do the hard work?

Are you gonna change
those underwears?

So when you look in the
mirror, don't ask yourself

how much money did I make.

Ask yourself how much of
a difference did I make.

Don't ask yourself
how rich you are.

Ask yourself how
much did I share.

Don't ask yourself how
much more is there to do.

Ask yourself what more can I do?

Then, when you look in the
mirror, you are not gonna have

to ask yourself if you're happy

because you'll already
know the answer.

- That was beautiful.

- Well, it's everything
I ever learned from life

and freakin' fortune cookies.

Shall we?

- Yes, definitely.

- Sweeney!

They want you!

They want you!

- Who wants me?

- Gene.

Heather broke her leg in
like six different places.

She's gonna be in
a cast for months.

They need someone to
fly to L.A. right now.

- What about my act?

- You still can't
do the characters.

- Well, even though he
bombed and beat up Gene?

- Oh, Gene was hammered
most of the night.

Plus, he knows Sweeney's funny.

Plus, they're desperate.

Plus, they need
somebody right away

or they're gonna
get somebody else.

Plus, you've been working
for this your whole life.

- So what's it gonna be Sweeney?

- See, this is what
I'm talkin' about.

It's a curse.

- What?

What are ya talkin' about?

- It's not a curse.

It's a choice.

It's a choice I made
a long time ago.

I'm glad I did.

- But does this
mean that you're--

- I'm not goin'!

- Have you lost what's
left of your mind?

- You're gonna turn
down the TV special?

- Yeah, and I'm okay with it.

I'm happy.

This is where I belong.

Come on!

I don't wanna
disappoint Justin again.

Oh yeah, do you wanna go
to dinner with me tonight?

- Yeah, I'd like that, but I--

- Yeah, great great great.

It is never too late to be
what you might have been.

George Eliot.

Oh, real name was Mary Ann
Evans, but that's another story.


Where's the car?

- But I thought you were happy
being the Character King?

- I am, but this is my
own freakin' special!


Hey, do you wanna
go to L.A. with me?

- Sure.

- All right.
- Yes!

- Sweeney?

- Oh, shit!

- You suck, Sweeney!

- You suck, Sweeney!

- George!


- Get him!

♪ Go down the dream ♪

♪ It could be anything
you wanted to be ♪

♪ Go to a place ♪

- Sweeney, you bastard!

This is like the
freakin' marathon!

- If I go to L.A., I
could wear a bikini.

- If I see you in a
bikini, I will start pukin'

and I will never stop.

I shit you not.

- I'm not cleanin' that up.

Not on a Monday or a Tuesday.

Maybe a Saturday,
'cause that'd be okay.

♪ A family ♪

♪ Catholic with a capital C ♪

♪ You can't appreciate
the fortune ♪

♪ To be on time ♪

♪ You still become ♪

♪ Sucker punch in the
high school hallway ♪

♪ Reminds me of the time that ♪

♪ High school punch in
the sucker hallway ♪

♪ Assigns me to
the crying shed ♪

♪ All through the day ♪

♪ I carry on ♪

♪ Love me kiss in the
hallway reminds me of you ♪

♪ The snowy faces ♪

♪ The demon queens ♪

♪ The high rise roller to
the bum on the street ♪

♪ All one ♪

♪ A part of the ♪

♪ That's what makes
this city bleed ♪

♪ Big dick faces,
the downtown street ♪

♪ The People's Republic
to the Cambridge Beats ♪

♪ The singing ladies,
the rockin' boys ♪

♪ All make up that
city of noise ♪

♪ Everybody loves
the old Bean Town ♪

♪ So many guitar
pickin' around ♪

♪ Ah woman, dance with me ♪

♪ What much more could I need ♪

♪ I love her, but
she loves me more ♪

♪ Sucks me in, cracks my core ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Everybody loves
the old Bean Town ♪

♪ So many guitar
pickin' around ♪

♪ Ah woman, dance with me ♪

♪ What much more could I need ♪

♪ Hey ♪