Stephen Colbert's Election Night 2020: Democracy's Last Stand: Building Back America Great Again Better 2020 (2020) - full transcript

> > > THE MOST CONTENTIOUS

ELECTION IN U.S. HISTORY.

> > STILL HOURS UNTIL THE POLLS

CLOSE.

> > THE NATION STILL REELING
FROM

THE DEADLIEST PANDEMIC IN A

CENTURY.

> > COULD BE DAYS OR WEEKS
BEFORE

WE KNOW THE RESULTS.

> > THE QUESTION ALL AMERICA IS

ASKING: ARE WE FUCKED?



> > CNN IS NOW READY TO PROJECT:

TOO EARLY TO CALL.

> > TOO EARLY TO CALL, HUH?

WELL, WAIT UNTIL THEY GET A LOAD

OF ME.

> > THIS ELECTION, SO HISTORIC,

SO CRUCIAL.

WHO WILL THE PEOPLE CHOOSE?

PERHAPS A PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT

WISH TO MURDER ME.

ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, WOLF.

IT IS YOUR ONCE AND FUTURE

PRESIDENT HERE WITH AN IMPORTANT



ELECTION UPDATE.

I SMELL A LANDSLIDE!

> > EXCUSE ME, SENATOR.

MASKS ARE REQUIRED BEYOND THIS

POINT.

> > OH.

SILLY ME.

OFF TO THE FUCK PIT.

> > I HAVE DEFEATED THE CHINA

VIRUS!

AND NOW HERE TONIGHT, I WILL

DEFEAT THE CHINA BIDEN.

BILL BARR, LET'S CLOSE THE

POLLS.

> > YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

> > WHAT THE FUCK?

WHY ARE YOU NAKED?

> > WE'RE ON SHOWTIME.

I CAN SHOW FULL FRONTAL, MR.

PRESIDENT.

> > ALL RIGHT.

NOW LET'S LOCK THEM UP.

> > TIME TO PUT THE DICK IN

DICTA

DICTATOR.

> > SEE, AMERICA?

A LANDSLIDE!

TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE ON THE

STREETS OF D.C.

THIS DEMOCRACY.

> > BREAKING NEWS, I AM NOW

LOCKED IN A POLLING PLACE WITH

HUNDREDS OF VOTERS AND ONLY ONE

BATHROOM.

IT SEEMS CHILI WAS A BAD LUNCH

CHOICE.

THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND:

WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?

> > I'M AWAKE.

AM I PRESIDENT YET?

> > NO.

IT'S THE JOE SIGNAL.

WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

> > THERE IS A TRADE COMING?

I HAVE TO GET MY BAGS.

> > NO.

DEMOCRACY IS IN JEOPARDY.

> > OH, RIGHT, THE THING.

TO THE BIDEN BASEMENT.

> > WHAT A LANDSLIDE, HUH,
FOLKS?

HERE'S YOUR STUPID STIMULUS,

SUCKERS.

LOSERS!

> > BREATHE IN THE CORONAVIRUS.

DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOU.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL 20 YEARS

YOUNGER.

> > MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.

WHO DO YOU TRUST?

ME?

I'M GIVING AWAY FREE VACCINES.

> > AND WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?

HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS MASK.

> > I GOT ICE CREAM ON IT.

GEEZ.

> > FOCUS, JOE.

TIME TO SUIT UP.

> > TO THE BIDEN MOBILE, COME
ON!

> > HIS TEAR GAS ASS IS GRASS.

> > NO.

WHY IS HE NAKED?

> > IT'S SHOWTIME, JOE.

> > OH, RIGHT.

I ALWAYS GOT IT ON ME.

> > TAKE THIS, BITCH.

> > THIS IS TURNING ME ON.

> > WE HAVE BEEN FREED, AND JUST

IN TIME TO USE THE LITTLE

ANCHORS ROOM.

> > E.T., GO VOTE!

> > I KNEW HE WAS JUICING.

COME ON, YOU SLEEPY BASTARD.

> > TIME TO STOP THE MELARKY,
YOU

DOG FACE PONY CLOWN.

> > YOU CAN MAKE THE CHECK OUT.

> > I GUESS WE'RE DOING THIS.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST YOU AND ME NOW, MONO --

> > I LOVE YOU, DAD!

> > YOU LOSE, JOE.

> > WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

DEMOCRACY?

> > MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.

I DON'T KNOW.

> > NOT SO FAST.

PERSON, WOMAN.

> > MAN.

> > CAMERA, TV.

AND WE'RE LIVE.

> > DEMOCRACY DON'T DIE THAT

EASY, JACK.

THE AMERICAN PEOPLE STILL GOT A

SAY WHO WINS AND WHO LOUZS.

STAND BACK.

I GOT TO SAY PRESIDENT.

NOW PUT THE DEMOCRACY DOWN AND

NOBODY GETS HURT.

OH, MAN.

WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?

BUMBLEBEE, NO!

> > YOU'RE ALL RED.

I HATE EVERYBODY.

> > 2020.

> > > WELCOME.

WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO OUR

LIVE ELECTION SPECIAL.

I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I'M WEARING A SUIT TONIGHT

BECAUSE IT IS THE ELECTION.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.

I DRESSED UP.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD, TOO.

I'M NOT ALONE.

I HAVE THE TWO MASKED MEN WHO

ARE NORMALLY IN HERE.

I WOULD LOVE TO LEARN THEIR

NAMES SOME DAY.

MY LADY WIFE IS THERE.

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

SHE'S HAD A LITTLE WINE.

BUT SHE'S A CORE DEMOGRAPHIC.

SHE'S A SUBURBAN WOMAN.

AS SHE GOES, SO GOES THE NATION.

TONIGHT SHE'S GOING HOME WITH

ME.

TONIGHT WE'RE ON SHOWTIME JUST

LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND WE KNOW

WHY WE'RE HERE BECAUSE IT'S

LIVE.

BUT WE DON'T KNOW SOME WHAT SOME

OF THE INGREDIENTS OF TONIGHT'S

SHOW WILL BE.

AT THIS POINT, IT'S LIKE WE'RE

MAKING COOKIES AND WE DON'T KNOW

WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH.

AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN,

PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND

YOURSELF.

HOLD ON TIGHT.

HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONESMENT

HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.

IF YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO

ANYTHING ELSE, TURN YOUR ZOOM

CAMERA OFF.

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME

WHY WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN.

WE DID IT FOUR YEARS AGO, AND IT

WAS, QUITE FAMOUSLY, A PAINFUL

EXPERIENCE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH

ANYBODY ELSE THAN YOU RIGHT NOW

AND ONLY PARTLY BECAUSE WE'RE

NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE NEW YORK

RIGHT NOW.

I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE ON SHOWTIME

BECAUSE HOLY SHIT.

IT IS A WEIRD FUCKING ELECTION.

FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN A

PANDEMIC.

SO BEFORE THE POLLS OPENED, 99.7

MILLION AMERICANS ALREADY VOTED.

A LOT WERE SENT BY MAIL.

AS WE SPEAK THE GOP IS MARKING

HARD TO DISQUALIFY VOTES ON

TECHNICALITIES AND BASELESS

CHARGES OF FRAUD.

YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM, FIND A

JUDGE WHO SAYS, NO, ACTUALLY YOU

DID BEAT THEM.

NOW, DOUBT ABOUT WHETHER THE

ELECTION WILL BE FAIR OR NOT HAS

RAISED FEAR OF VIOLENCE IN THE

STREETS.

ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, RETAILERS

ARE BOARDING UP THEIR WINDOWS.

IT'S BEEN A BANNER DAY FOR JIM'S

DOOMSDAY PLYWOOD.

JIM'S IS ACTUALLY OPEN.

THE PLYWOOD IS JUST ALWAYS UP

THERE.

NOW, BUSINESSES THE EVERYWHERE

ARE TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

CVS IS PROTECTING ITS WINDOWS

WITH A SINGLE GATORADE.

AS WE SPEAK, JOE BIDEN IS IN

DELAWARE.

THE PRESIDENT IS AT THE WHITE

HOUSE.

IF EITHER OF THEM COMES OUT TO

SPEAK TONIGHT DURING THIS SHOW,

AND DO WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO

DO THIS?

WE ARE PREPARED NOT TO GO TO

EITHER ONE OF THEM BECAUSE THIS

IS MY SHOW.

GET YOUR OWN SHOW, FELLAS.

WHILE THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW SO

FAR, THE RESULTS YOU'LL BE

HEARING ARE REAL.

WE'RE GETTING STRAIGHT FROM CBS,

FROM THE PIPE THEY JACK IN TO

THE BACK OF JOHN DICKERSON'S

HEAD.

AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE

PRESIDENT IS THROWING A PARTY.

IS THAT HAPPENING?

IT'S STILL HAPPENING.

HE'S PLANNED 250 GUESTS DOWN TO

400.

TRUMP WANTED TO KEEP IT TO HIS

NEAREST AND NEAREST

CODEFENDANTS.

ONCE AGAIN, A LARGE INDOOR

GATHERING DURING A PANDEMIC.

IF HE LOSES, HE CAN SEAL HIS

ADMINISTRATION IN WITH HIM LIKE

A PHARAOH'S TOME.

HE HAS GOLD WALLS AND HIS

DEMONIC ESCORT INTO THE

UNDERWORLD.

AND TO KEEP TRUMP SAFE FROM THE

ELECTION UNREST THAT HE'S

COUNTING ON HAPPENING, THE

GOVERNMENT HAS ERECTED A

NONSCALEABLE FENCE AROUND THE

WHITE HOUSE.

SO IN THE END, THEY BUILT THE

WALL AND LOCKED HIM UP.

PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES

LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A TRIP TO

SEE VOTERS.

LAST NIGHT BIDEN WAS IN

PENNSYLVANIA.

HE BROUGHT OUT LADY GAGA.

THE BEST HE'S EVER GOTTEN WAS

POP SENSATION LADY RUDY.

THOUGH, IT IS REFRESHING TO SEE

RUDY IN THE COMEDY BIT WHERE

HE'S NOT TOUCHING HIMSELF.

SO IN ONE OF HIS CLOSING

RALLIES, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT

BIDEN'S POP STAR FRIEND.

> > LADY GAGA IS NOT TOO GOOD.

I COULD TELL YOU PLENTY OF

STORIES.

I COULD TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT

LADY GAGA.

I KNOW A LOT OF STORIES ABOUT

LADY GAGA.

> > WHAT?

YOU HAVE GOTS OF STORIES ABOUT

LADY GAGA?

THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING ONE

ABOUT THE SUPER STRONG RANCHER

THAT DOESN'T GO TO PARIS

ANYMORE.

OR THE WIFE THAT SUDDENLY LOVES

HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THEIR 401(k)

IS DOING WELL?

STOP WASTING TIME.

STILL THE GAGA TEA!

THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN DOUBLED DOWN

ON THIS WITH A TWEET.

NOTHING EXPOSES BIDEN'S DISDAIN

FOR THE FORGOTTEN WORKING MEN

AND WOMEN OF PENNSYLVANIA LIKE

CAMPAIGNING WITH ANTI-FRACKING

ACTIVIST LADY GAGA.

YES.

WHO CAN FORGET HER BIG HIT?

> > FRACK.

THE GROUND.

> > THAT SONG GETS ME.

THAT SONG GETS ME EVERY TIME.

TRUMP ENDED THE CAMPAIGN WITH

THIS CLINCHING CLOSING ARGUMENT

IN THE FORM OF A VIDEO HE POSTED

AT 3:00 A.M. ON ELECTION DAY.

> > I PROMISE YOU, WE DID NOT

MAKE THAT UP.

THEY PUT THAT OUT.

DONALD TRUMP IS THE ONLY

CANDIDATE PROMISING THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE I WILL MASTURBATE TWO

INVISIBLE GIRAFFES.

ALL RIGHT.

LIKE THE GIRAFFE JOKE?

YOU DON'T.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IS IT TIME?

IT'S TIME FOR SOME RESULTS.

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE

HAVE RECEIVED THANKS TO ADVANCED

COMPUTER MODELING AND THE

OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM WE

HAVE BEEN RECEIVING FROM THE

FUTURE.

OKAY?

WE'RE READY TO MAKE SOME CALLS.

WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST?

MARYLAND.

LET'S START IN MARYLAND WHERE

CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS

DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.

BUT MARYLAND AND I HAVE SO MUCH

IN COMMON.

WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING

PEOPLE CRABS.

WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT

HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE

PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE

BOOST THANKS TO BEN AND JERRY'S

NEW FLAVOR, FORMER ICE PRESIDENT

KAMALA-NANNA HARR REECES-PIECES.

WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT

DELAWARE HAS BEEN WON BY JOE

BIDEN.

WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.

IT'S HIS HOME STATE.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP

LOSING NEW YORK.

HE WHAT?

THAT'S GOT TO STINK.

WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO

HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA.

NEW YORK STATE AND IT'S WHAPING

29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN

CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH

R. BIDEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.

IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU ARE

NOT DONALD TRUMP.

FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER

CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS

GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.

AND, OH, LOOK, MITCH McCONNELL

IS SO PROUD HE'S INFLATING HIS

WADDLE.

OH.

IMPRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.

WATCH OUT, LADIES.

NO SURPRISE.

DONALD TRUMP HAS ALSO WON

TENNESSEE WHICH HAS AN ACTUAL

STATE GUN.

THE BARRETT.50 CALIBER M-82

WHICH I'M BEING TOLD HAS ALSO

WON ITS SENATE SEAT.

AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST OR

NORTH, I'M NOT SURE.

INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR

DONALD TRUMP.

WELL, OF COURSE.

IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM OR

TAKE MIKE PENCE BACK.

THAT'S AN EASY CALL.

AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW

YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN

REPORT IT IS BEING CALLED FOR

DONALD TRUMP.

YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES

OH, THE STATE WHERE THEY

DON'T CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN

CAIN.

> > HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER
THERE?

CAN WE GET HER SOME WINE?

THAT WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY IN

WHATEVER STATE SHE'S IN RIGHT

NOW.

ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN

OFFICIALLY DECIDED.

SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR

PRESIDENT TRUMP.

LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN SOUTH

DAKOTA ARE REACTING.

AND --

> > AH, SHIT.

> > OKAY.

BACK EAST, I'M GETTING -- IS

THIS TRUE?

I'M GETTING BREAKING RESULTS

FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW

JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE

BIDEN.

WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.

AFTER ALL THE FIRST EVER

BASEBALL BECAME WAS PLAYED IN

NEW JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE

BIDEN WAS THERE.

YEP.

STILL GOING TO DO THOSE JOKES,

SIR.

AND I'M GETTING THE RESULTS FROM

MASSACHUSETTS WHO PROJECT THAT

IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.

BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTON

WITH HIS STIRRING MESSAGE OF

TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO

SHUT THE HELL UP.

WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT NEW

HAMPSHIRE HAS BEEN CALLED FOR

FORMER PRESIDENT BIDEN.

LIVE FREE OR DIE ISN'T JUST THE

MOTTO, IT WAS THE TWO CHOICES ON

THE BALLOT.

AND AS LONG AS WE'RE LEAF

PEEPING IN LEAF PEEPING COUNTRY,

I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT

SENTENCE MEANS, JOE BIDEN HAS

WON CONNECTICUT.

YES.

TURNS OUT THE CONSTITUTION, THEY

PREFER SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE

CONSTITUTION.

IT WAS A SQUEAKER.

ONLY GAVE BIDEN A 99% OF

WINNING.

THEY FELT BIDEN REPRESENTED

THEIR CORE OF CONNECTICUT VALUES

OF ENJOYING FLEECE SWEATER

VESTS.

ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON

RESULTS FROM COLORADO.

AND NOW WE'VE GOT THEM.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN JUST

WON COLORADO.

HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT.

COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF

VOTING BY MAIL.

IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES,

99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN

BALLOTS.

THE REMAINING 0.7% COULD NOT

BECAUSE THEY HAD TURNED THEIR

MAILBOX INTO A BONG.

THERE IS MORE.

I WAS GOING TO GO ON TO

SOMETHING ELSE, BUT MY YOUNG

PAGE HERE IS HANDING ME RESULTS

HERE.

THANK YOU, SHOE SHINE BOY.

WHAT'S THE TOP ONE HERE?

ILLINOIS, WE ARE READY TO CALL

THAT JOSEPH BIDEN HAS WON EASILY

ILLINOIS.

ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL GIFT FROM THE

STATE THAT HAS GIVEN US ABRAHAM

LINCOLN, BARACK OBAMA, JACK FORD

BUT ALSO JOHN WAYNE GUYSY.

DON'T GET COCKY, ILLINOIS.

MISSOURI, MISSOURI.

I AM NOT PRETENDING THAT THIS

NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.

MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED

FOR DONALD TRUMP.

APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE

LIKES THE GUY WHOSE ENTIRE SHOW

IS ME.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE DO I GOT HERE?

IS THIS UTAH?

UTAH HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR

DONALD TRUMP.

THIS IS INTERITSESTING.

MITT ROMNEY SAID HE DIDN'T VOTE

FOR HIM, INSTEAD FOLLOWED HIS

PASSION AND VOTED FOR UNSALTED

CRACKER.

UTAH KNOWN FOR TWO THINGS, THEIR

BREATH TAKING NATURAL SLENDER

AND THEIR INTENSE DESIRE TO

DESTROY IT.

NOW THIS ONE, THIS ONE I DID NOT

EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.

THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A

SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.

JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN

STATE CALIFORNIA.

WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW

THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY

NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS

FOR QUITE A WHILE.

SO WITH 0% REPORTING, AND THIS

IS TRUE, WITH 0% REPORTING,

BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S

CALIFORNIA AND THIS ISN'T THE

NEWS, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

IS THAT IT?

NOW CAN I MOVE ON TO THE OTHER

JOKES?

MORE JOKES OVER HERE.

HERE, HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.

FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH ELECTION

COVERAGE AND SPOILER, YOU ARE

RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THAT THE

NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A

PANEL OF EXPERTS TO HELP THEM

BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.

IN CNN'S CASE SO THE DIRECTOR

HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO WHEN

JOHN KING GETS INTO HANDSY WITH

HIS PROJECTOR.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS

QUANTITY.

BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS

THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE

WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS.

MEANING, THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE

DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING

THEN THERE ARE VOTERS IN

WYOMING.

WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE

OUTQUANTITIES BY CNN.

TONIGHT I'M PROUD TO PRESENT OUR

NEW SEGMENT, THE MOST ELECTION

NIGHT PANEL EVER.

WITH ME TONIGHT ARE SOME OF THE

MOST NAMES IN THE BIZ.

LET'S MEET THEM NOW.

MY OLD PAL JOHN DICKERSON.

> > I'M HONORED AND
CONTRACTUALLY

OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.

> > RIGHT YOU ARE.

> > HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER

PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN,

FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR.

> > ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M

MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO

SENATOR.

> > NICE TRY.

WE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A

MICHAEL BENNETT.

THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.

> > IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.

> > DON'T CALL ME, STUPID, YOU

CAJUN MALL RAT.

NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN

ON THE SLOGAN MATH.

HOW ARE THE NUMBERS LOOKING TO

BE THE?

> > THEY'RE LOOKING GREAT.

3 AND 5 ARE VISUALLY APPEALING.

11 HAS PERFECT SIMILAR MET TRY.

THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.

> > ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

> > WE HAVE NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.

> > TONIGHT I PREDICT THE

UNIVERSE WILL DIE OF HEAT DEATH

IN TEN TO THE POWER OF 100

YEARS.

> > WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT

HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT

THAT.

AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT

BE AFFECTING THE CASE, WE WANTED

A DOCTOR, DR. J.

> > I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR,

STEPHEN.

> > LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES.

WE HAVE FORMER SECRETARY OF THE

STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.

> > WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES?

> > WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU
NOW,

MADAM SECRETARY.

> > AND WE HAVE A USED SEA DOO

SALESMAN ON METH.

> > ARE YOU A COP?

> > WE'RE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY

ONE OF THE GREAT, BRIAN KRANS

TON.

> > THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO

IMPRESS.

> > ACTUALLY, BRIAN.

THIS IS AN ELECTION SPECIAL, NOT

A COOKING SHOW.

> > RIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN PREPARE THIS DISH

WAY AHEAD OF TIME BEFORE THE

PARTY, AND IT WILL BE READY BY

THE TIME YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE.

> > ALSO JOINING US, THE FLY
THAT

WAS ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD DURING

THE DEBATE.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, MR.

FLY.

> > ACTUALLY, THAT FLY WAS MY

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT

GRANDFATHER.

WE HAVE VERY SHORT LIFE SPANS.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE

TO DEPOSIT EGGS IN HIS SCALP.

> > WE'VE ALSO GOT EXPERT

ANALYSIS FROM A MEMBER OF THE WU

TANG CLAN, METHOD MAN.

> > STEPHEN, VOTER TURNOUT IS

HIGHER THAN IT'S BEEN IN DECADE.

SO AM I.

> > WE ALL HAVE TO GET THROUGH

THIS ELECTION SOMEHOW.

> > WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR

TONIGHT, RU?

> > WELL, MAINE AND NEBRASKA ARE

THE ONLY TWO STATES THAT ALLOW A

SPLIT IN THEIR STATE'S ELECTORS,

SO I WANT TO CELEBRATE THEIR

DESIRE TO GO BOTH WAYS.

OKAY?

> > OKAY WITH ME.

NEXT WE HAVE AWARD WINNING ACTOR

AND AUTHOR ETHAN HAWK LIVE VIA

HIDDEN CAMERA.

> > SOMEONE LEAVE THEIR PHONE IN

HERE?

IS THIS THING ON?

> > AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BEEN

CAUGHT.

> > COLBERT, IS THAT YOU?

> > HERE TO COUNT VOTES, WE'VE

GOT THE TOOTSIE POP OWL.

HOW MANY VOTES?

> > ONE, TWO, THREE.

> > SO THREE?

> > NO, DUMMY, 270.

DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER LOLLIPOP.

> > NEXT WE HAVE ACTOR AND

ACTIVIST GEORGE TIKA.

> > PERSONALLY, I'M INTERESTED
IN

THE SWING STATES OF OHIO AND

MICHIGAN OR, AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY

THEIR POSTAL CODES, OH MI.

> > AND WE HAVE SOMEONE IN A CIA

WIG TO TALK ABOUT THE YOUTH

VOTE, FIVE TEENAGERS EITHER

NAMED JOE OR RONALD.

> > MY NAME IS DONALD.

> > CLOSE ENOUGH.

PANEL, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS

ABOUT THE NIGHT SO FAR?

> > WHAT?

AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S ALL WE

HAVE TIME FOR.

> > THIS HAS BEEN STEPHEN

COLBERT'S SHOWTIME ELECTION

SPECIAL PRESENTS.

> > WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE, STEPHEN.

I'VE GOT A UNIQUE HISTORICAL

PERSPEC

PERSPECTIVE.

> > OKAY.

THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL, BUT GO

AHEAD.

> > DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PEOPLE

HAVE WASTED ON HOTELS EVERY

YEAR?

THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WOULD

SAVE IF YOU HAD A TIMESHARE IN

BEAUTIFUL KEY WEST.

> > NO, DORIS.

I'M NOT BUYING A TIMESHARE FROM

YOU AGAIN.

FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.

ALL RIGHT.

WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?

THANK YOU TO THE WHOLE PANEL.

THAT WAS SO GOOD.

WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

ALL RIGHT.

IT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR

TONIGHT.

LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND

AND YOURS, MR. JOHN BAPTIST.

JOHN, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A SUIT.

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A SUIT.

YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE OTHER

PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE WEARING.

> > OH, REALLY?

I'M GETTING JOY FROM EVY.

THE LAUGH IS REALLY INFECTIOUS.

> > YES.

SHE'S MY LIFEBOAT.

JOHN, HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

> > I THINK TODAY SHOULD BE A

NATIONAL HOLIDAY.

THAT'S WHY I GOT MY SUIT ON.

IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.

I WAS PLAYING FOR THE PEOPLE IN

PHILLY, AND I'M JUST -- I'M

HOPING FOR THE BEST, AND I

BELIEVE WE WILL GET IT.

> > HOW LONG WERE YOU OUT THERE

PLAYING?

> > OH, I WAS OUT THERE PLAYING

FOR A GOOD TWO HOURS, AND WE

BROUGHT JOY TO THE POLLS, AND

THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO CONTINUE

TO BRING THROUGHOUT THE REST OF

THIS SEASON AS WE GET A NEW

ADMINISTRATION, HOPEFULLY, AND

THAT'S WHAT WE DOING.

> > WERE THERE LONG LINES?

DID YOU SEE A LOT OF PEOPLE DOWN

THERE?

> > YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T AS LONG

AS I WAS HOPING IT WOULD BE.

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE VOTED EARLY.

> > YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING

TO GO WITH, TOO.

I'M GOING TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE

VOTED EARLY.

DO WE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

PENNSYLVANIA.

PENNSYLVANIA HAS NOT BEEN CALLED

SO YOU MIGHT HAVE PUSHED IT OVER

THE TOP WITH PIANO.

WE'RE GOING TO BREAK INTO CBS

NEWS.

WOULD YOU GIVE ME 15 SECONDS OF

JOY?

> > OH, I GOT YOU.

> > THANK YOU, JOHN.

JOHN BAPTIST, EVERYBODY.

AND ARE WE THERE?

ARE WE READY TO GO?

I'M BEING TOLD IT IS TIME TO

CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIENDS OVER

AT CBS NEWS.

WE'RE ON SHOWTIME RIGHT NOW, BUT

THEY HAVE MY OLD TIME SLOT FOR

THE NIGHT.

LET'S SEE HOW IT'S GOING.

JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM US,

ARE WE READY TO ROLL AT THIS

POINT?

WE'RE TEN SECONDS AWAY.

WHAT?

KANSAS WENT TO TRUMP.

SUCK ON THAT FOR TEN SECONDS.

> > 2020 AMERICA DECIDES.

WE ARE WATCHING IT ALL UNFOLD

HERE AT CBS NEWS ELECTION

HEADQUARTERS IN TIME SQUARE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BIG MAP

TO SEE WHERE WE STAND AT THIS

HOUR.

MANY OF THE BATTLEGROUND STATES

ARE STILL TOSS-UPS.

CBS NEWS CHARACTERIZES FLORIDA

AS LEANING TOWARD PRESIDENT

TRUMP.

IN THE ELECTORAL VOTE JOE BIDEN

LEADS 168-111.

AND ARIZONA AT THIS HOUR LEANS

TOWARDS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT

JOE BIDEN.

WE KNOW THE WORLD IS WATCHING

TONIGHT AND STEPHEN COLBERT IS

HARD AT WORK WITH A LIVE SHOW ON

OUR SISTER NETWORK SHOWTIME.

> > I JUST LOST HER.

> > WHOA, WHOA.

HI!

HI, STEPHEN.

HOW ARE YOU?

THERE HE IS.

> > SORRY.

I LOST YOU FOR A SECOND THERE.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

> > WELL, LOOK --

> > HEY, THERE YOU ARE.

> > HEY!

> > HEY!

> > HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.

> > WE'RE ACTUALLY SO CLOSE IN

MANHAT

MANHATTAN, WE SHOULD JUST OPEN

UP THE WINDOWS AND SHOUT AT EACH

OTHER.

> > OVER THE SIRENS.

HOW ARE YOU?

> > I'M FINE.

I'M FINE.

YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD TO CHECK IN

WITH SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS

SOMETHING.

I'M SEALED OVER AT THE OFFICES

OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AND

WE'RE MAKING UP WHAT WE KNOW.

ALL OF OUR INFORMATION JUST

COMES FROM YOU.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?

> > WELL, JOHN DICKERSON IS
HERE,

AND WE'VE GOT OUR NOTABLE NINE

STATES THAT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING

IN THE BATTLEGROUND STATES.

JUST TWO OF THEM WE'VE GOT

LEANING A CERTAIN WAY, RIGHT?

FLORIDA WE'VE GOT LEANING

TOWARDS TRUMP.

AND ARIZONA LEANING TOWARDS

BIDEN.

> > JOE BIDEN.

> > THAT'S RIGHT.

SO FLORIDA LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING

HIS WAY.

NORTH CAROLINA AND GEORGIA,

WHICH WERE AT THE EDGE OF

DEMOCRATIC DREAMS.

THEY HAD FANTASIES ABOUT PICKING

UP ONE OF THOSE TWO STATES.

IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING

THAT WAY FOR JOE BIDEN.

THE OTHER ROUTE FOR JOE BIDEN TO

TAKE STATES AWAY FROM DONALD

TRUMP IS TO GO UP THROUGH THE

MIDWEST.

THE CHALLENGE OF THE MIDWEST AND

BASICALLY THE NIGHT HAS BEEN

BETWEEN EARLY VOTE AND WHO

SHOWED UP ON ELECTION DAY.

THE BIDEN FORCES VOTED EARLY.

THE TRUMP FORCES HAVE SHOWN UP

ON ELECTION DAY.

MIDWEST, THAT'S PART OF THE

STORY, BUT THE OTHER PART OF THE

STORY IS IT'S GOING TO TAKE THEM

A LONG TIME TO COUNT THE VOTES.

> > CAN WE SAY THIS?

WHEN THE EVENING STARTED, WE

STARTED AT 7:00 EASTERN TIME AND

BOTH CANDIDATES WERE VERY

CONFIDENT THEY WERE GOING TO

WIN.

AS WE SIT HERE TONIGHT, THEY'RE

STILL VERY CONFIDENT THAT

THEY'RE GOING TO WIN.

> > SOMETHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED

FROM THE LAST TIME TO THIS TIME.

FOUR YEARS AGO, WE'RE DOWN TO

THOSE IN MIDWEST EARN INDUSTRIAL

DATES AGAIN, JOHN.

IS THAT THE CASE?

> > NORA MENTIONED THIS, THAT WE

HAVE ARIZONA AS LEANING TOWARD

JOE BIDEN, SO THAT WOULD BE A

BIG DEAL FOR A COUPLE OF

REASONS.

ONE, IT IS FROM THAT LIST OF

STATES DONALD TRUMP WON IN 2016

AND DEMOCRATS HOPE THAT THAT IS

PART OF THE STORY IN STATES LIKE

ARIZONA AND MAYBE OTHER PIECES.

THAT'S THE BRIGHT PIECE OF NEWS

FOR DEMOCRATS SO FAR TONIGHT.

> > JUST TO POINT THAT OUT, WHY

ARIZONA IS SO IMPORTANT IF IN

FACT BIDEN CARRIES THAT STATE,

IT IS ONE OF THEIR KEY PATHWAYS

TO THE PRESIDENCY.

THEY WANT TO WIN ARIZONA,

MICHIGAN AND WISCONSIN, AND THEY

COULD WIN WITHOUT PENNSYLVANIA

AND FLORIDA IN THAT PARTICULAR

SCENARIO.

SO ARIZONA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SORT

OF, I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT A

SAFETY, AN EXTRA IF THEY DID NOT

WIN PENN PN AND FLORIDA.

BUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

HERE IS WHETHER WE'LL BE ABLE TO

CHARACTERIZE WHO MAY WIN IF THIS

GOES DOWN TO THE UPPER MIDWEST.

AS YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING TO TAKE

A WHILE TO COUNT THE VOTES

THERE.

> > WAIT.

DID I HEAR THIS RIGHT, THAT IT'S

POSSIBLE THAT JOE BIDEN WOULD

NOT WIN HIS HOME STATE OF

PENNSYLVANIA?

> > WE DON'T KNOW THAT YET.

WE JUST DON'T KNOW.

MARGARET BRENNAN WAS SAYING

EARLIER THEY STARTED THE VOTE

COUNTING AGAIN IN PHILADELPHIA.

THEY PAUSED IT FOR A LITTLE

WHILE.

IT WAS A LABOR ISSUE.

BUT HE DOES HAVE A SCENARIO

WHERE JOE BIDEN COULD WIN THE

PRESIDENCY WITHOUT PENNSYLVANIA

OR FLORIDA.

> > BUT IT WOULD STING.

IT WOULD STING.

IT WOULD BE LIKE YOUR MOM SAYING

YOU LOOK FUNNY.

> > WELL AS SOMEONE WHOSE MOM

SAID THAT TO THEM ALL THE TIME,

JOE BIDEN 99% OF THE VOTE IN, IT

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT IT BY NINE

POINTS, WHICH BEATS HILLARY

CLINTON IN THAT SMALL COUNTY.

AT LEAST IN THAT REGARD, HE CAN

FEEL LIKE HE WON.

> > IT'S LIKE YOUR MOM SAYING,

YOU KNOW, I NEVER LIKED YOU.

I ALWAYS LIKED YOUR BROTHER

BETTER.

> > JOHN, DID YOUR MOM EVER SAY

THAT TO YOU?

I HAVE A VERY CHARMING BROTHER.

> > GALE, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE UP

FOR CTM.

> > I KNOW.

THIS IS ME ON DRUGS.

> > THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME

TO BOW OUT.

> > AND MY DRUGS I MEAN WATER.

BUT, NO, WE WANT TO STAY HERE

FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE AND

LEAVE AS THEY'RE SAYING, WE'RE

GOING TO KNOW SOMETHING.

BUT IN ALL HONESTY, IT DOESN'T

KNOW LIKE WE'RE GOING TO KNOW

ANYTHING FOR SURE THIS EVENING.

> > THAT'S A CBS NEWS PROMISE.

WE WON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

STICK AROUND.

THANKS SO MUCH, YOU GUYS!

THANKS FOR ADDING LEGITIMACY TO

MY NIGHT.

> > TAKE THAT BACK!

> > THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

WE APPRECIATE IT.

> > WE USED TO LIKE YOU.

> > THANK YOU, GALE.

THANK YOU, NORA.

JOHN.

> > JOHN.

> > THERE YOU GO.

NICE PEOPLE.

THEY'RE SUCH NICE PEOPLE.

AM I STILL OVER HERE, OR AM I

OVER HERE NOW?

WHAT AM I DOING?

AM I DOING MORE OF THESE OR AM I

MOVING ON TO SOMETHING ELSE?

DOING THE SENATE.

OH, THIS IS BIG.

ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE SENATE.

TAKE A SWIG OF WINE.

THEY GAVE HER SOME WINE.

HOLD IT IN YOUR HAND.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO

READ, SO I WANT YOU TO BE WELL

GUARDED.

OKAY?

I'M WEARING A CUP.

OKAY.

OF COURSE TONIGHT THERE ARE ALSO

SOME NON-TRUMP STAKES.

AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE

HAVING STEAK, MAKE IT A NONTRUMP

STEAKS.

ONE OF THE STAKES IS BALANCE OF

CONTROL OF THE ELECTION.

THE DEMOCRATS HOLD 47 SEATS.

THE DEMOCRATS NEED TO PICK UP 4

SEATS TO TAKE CONTROL.

SO LOOKING OVER AT THE UNITED

STATES SENATE AT THIS HOUR, IT

REMAINS A BUILDING IN

WASHINGTON, D.C.

AS FOR WHO IS GOING TO BE

WORKING INSIDE THAT BUILDING

NEXT YEAR, DO WE ACTUALLY HAVE

THE INFORMATION OR IS IT ALL

JUST PREAMBLE?

NEW HAMPSHIRE HAS DEFEATED THE

REPUBLICAN.

AND THE 231 YEAR STREAK OF NO

CORKYS IN CONGRESS CONTINUES.

THE MASSACHUSETTS SENATE RACE

HAS BEEN CALLED FOR SENATOR ED

MARKEY, WHO IS THE INCUMBENT AND

CO-AUTHOR OF THE NEW GREEN DEAL.

IT IS FITTING THAT MASSACHUSETTS

HAS DECIDED TO REUSE HIM.

OKLAHOMA SENATE RACE HAS BEEN

CALLED FOR GOP INCUMBENT AND

GLOBAL WARMING DENIER JIM INHOFF

WHO WAS HEAVILY FAVORED TO HIM.

HE WASN'T SUITING THE OUTCOME.

HE WAS SWEATING BECAUSE EVERY

YEAR IT'S WARMER THAN THE

PREVIOUS ONE.

IN THE SENATE RACE FOR THE

TENNESSEE SENATE SEAT HELD TO

REPLACE THE RETIRING LA RAR

ALEXANDER, BILL HAGGERTY HAS

DEFEATED BRADSHAW WHO HAD THE

ENDORSEMENT OF JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.

NOW THAT SHE'S DEFEATED, SHE

WILL BE STUFFED IN A SHOPPING

CART AND ROLLED THROUGH A CAR

WASH.

SHELLY MOORE HAS DEFEATED PAULA

JEAN SWEARINGIN WHO WON'T BE

SWEARING IN.

AND THIS IS A BIG ONE.

THIS IS AN ACTUAL BIG ONE WITH A

GREEN CHECK NEXT TO IT, RIGHT?

OUT IN COLORADO, SENATOR COREY

GARDENER HAS LOST TO DEMOCRATIC

CHALLENGER JOHN HECKENLOOPER.

HE WAS IS MAYOR OF DENVER

COLORADO, FOUNDER OF THE THE

FIRST BREW CUP AND CREATOR AND

STAR OF THE SHOW HECKENLOOPER.

IN ALABAMA, REPUBLICAN TOM MI

TY THE

UPP

UPP

UPPERVILLE HAS UNSEATED DOUG

JONES.

DOUG JONES LOST TO TOMMY

TUBERVILLE.

DO I SWITCH CAMERAS?

DO I STAY HERE.

I STAY RIGHT HERE AND WE JUST

DRIVE THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

JUST KEEP DRIVING THE TRAIN.

SPEAKING OF KNOWING THINGS, I'VE

PUT MY PHONE ON MUTE SO I DON'T

KNOW THINGS.

THE ONE THING WE DO KNOW IS THAT

DONALD TRUMP IS DEFINITELY GOING

TO LOSE BLACK VOTERS TONIGHT.

HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS ON WHY IT

I

IS.

> > WHAT'S HAPPENING?

> > NOT MUCH.

ELECTION.

YOU ARE NO STRANGER TO ELECTION

NIGHT SPECIALS.

IN 2016 YOU WERE ON THIS SHOW

WHEN TRUMP WON.

AND YOU SAID THIS.

> > CONGRATULATIONS, AMERICA.

YOU FUCKED THIS ONE UP.

> > SOMEBODY WAS RIGHT.

THAT WAS ME.

> > THAT WAS TRUE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

THERE ARE NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS

HERE SO WHILE I GO CHECK OUT

WHAT NEXT IS COMING DOWN THE

PIPE FOR THE ELECTION, WHY DON'T

YOU TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT

WHAT THAT FUCK UP FROM FOUR

YEARS AGO MEANT FOR ALL OF US,

AND I'LL BE BACK IN JUST A

MINUTE.

IT'S YOURS, BUDDY.

> > THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

GOT TO MAKE SURE HE'S REALLY

DONE, THOUGH.

ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.

LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS!

OH, YEAH.

HE'S REALLY GONE.

HELLO, AMERICA.

DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST

TIME?

LET ME REMIND YOU HOW TRUMP SOLD

HIMSELF TO BLACK VOTERS IN 2016.

PAY ATTENTION, PLEASE.

> > WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO

LOSE?

TO THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN

COMMUNITY, I SAY, WHAT THE HELL

DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

VOTE FOR ME.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO

LOSE?

> > WELL, IT TURNS OUT A LOT.

OKAY?

IN FACT, I MADE A LIST.

> > LIST OF THINGS WE HAD TO

LOSE.

> > NUMBER ONE, VOTING RIGHTS.

I'M TALKING VOTER ID LAWS,

PERJING VOTER ROLLS, LONG LINES

AND PREDOMINANTLY BLACK

DISTRICTS IN GEORGIA SOME VOTERS

EXPERIENCED WAIT TIMES OF UP TO

FIVE HOURS.

MEANWHILE, FOR ONE WHITE LADY,

THEY PUT A BALLOT BOX ON THE

INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.

AT THIS POINT, YOU COULD GO BACK

TO SCHOOL, GET A DEGREE, GO

THROUGH ASTRONAUT TRAINING AND

STILL VOTE FASTER THAN A BROTHER

IN MA CON.

TRUMP HAS BEEN EVERYTHING HE CAN

TO UNDERMINE THE AFFORDABLE CARE

ACT.

OF COURSE HE DISLIKES OBAMACARE.

IT IS A COMBO OF THE TWO THINGS

HE HATES THE MOST: OBAMA AND

CARING.

NUMBER THREE, CHADWICK BOSEMAN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M BLAMING TRUMP FOR THAT.

HE COULD TAKE THE BLAME FOR THE

DEATH OF THE BLACK PANTHER.

ALSO, I'M HOLDING HIM PERSONALLY

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOSS OF

ARETHA FRANKLIN AND KANYE WEST.

I MEAN, KANYE DIDN'T DIE, BUT HE

IS CERTAINLY LOST.

SPEAKING OF DYING, ANOTHER THING

WE LOST, OUR FUCKING LIVES.

THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC GOING

ON.

FUN FACT, BLACK PEOPLE ARE

DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTED BY

CORONAVIRUS.

THIS IS SO TYPICAL.

WHEN AMERICA GETS A COLD, BLACK

PEOPLE GET CORONAVIRUS, THEN

AMERICA TAKES AWAY THEIR HEALTH

INSURANCE.

YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?

ME.

IT WAS ME.

ALL RIGHT.

A BLACK PERSON CAN'T QUOTE

THEMSELVES.

TELL ME WHAT ELSE AM I NOT

ALLOWED TO DO, YOU RACIST.

NUMBER TEN, MOVIES.

UNDER TRUMP, THEY GAVE THE OSCAR

TO "GREEN BOOK."

DO YOU KNOW HOW BLACK PEOPLE

FELT ABOUT GREEN BOOK?

ME NEITHER.

WE DIDN'T WATCH.

BUT IT IS NO SURPRISE.

AMERICA HAS ALWAYS IGNORED BLACK

PEOPLE IN FAVOR OF GREEN.

AND FINALLY, NUMBER 11, MY TIME.

SEE, I SUPPORT BLACK LIVES

MATTER.

BUT ALL THAT MARCHING TAKES

TIME.

ONCE WE'RE FINISHING CONVINCING

WHITE AMERICA WE ARE INDEED

HUMAN BEINGS, IT WOULD BE NICE

TO DO THINGS HUMAN BEINGS ENJOY

LIKE JOGGING, THROWING A

BARBECUE OR GOING BIRD WATCHING

WITHOUT SOME NUT ASS KAREN

CALLING THE COPS.

> > LIST OF THINGS WE STILL HAVE

TO LOSE.

NUMBER ONE, ALL THE SHITI JUST

SAID BECAUSE AS BAD AS IT IS, IT

CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE.

TRUMP APPOINTED THREE SUPREME

COURT JUSTICES.

AND THE REPUBLICANS JUST GOT THE

LAST INFINITY STONE THEY NEED TO

TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING WE FOUGHT

WAR.

WE'RE ONE STEP AWAY FROM GREEN

BOOK 2.

TOO GREEN, TOO BOOK.

SPORTS.

DO YOU THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO

STOP AT KAEPERNICK?

IN FOUR YEARS, IT WILL BE A CAME

OF HORSE BETWEEN J.J. REDDICK

AND LUKA DONCIC.

THIS ONE ISN'T SOMETHING THAT

BLACK PEOPLE HAVE TO LOSE, IT IS

SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE TO LOSE.

OUR SOUL.

BLACK PEOPLE HAVE LONG BEEN THE

SOUL OF THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE WE

HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE

OF EQUALITY AND JUSTICE THAT

AMERICA PROVIDES.

JUST LIKE A BELIEF IN A HIGHER

POWER, FOR BLACK PEOPLE,

AMERICA'S PROMISE IS SOMETHING

THAT IS NOT VISIBLE, BUT WE HAVE

FAITH IN THAT PROMISE.

AND THAT FAITH IS A MOTTO FOR

ALL AMERICANS.

SO WE WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT AND

DEMAND TO BE TREATED EQUALLY IN

THIS COUNTRY, BUT WE CAN'T DO IT

FOREVER.

AND IF AMERICA LOSES ITS SOUL,

LORD HAVE MERCY, IT'S GAME OVER.

THE LAND WILL STILL EXIST, BUT

THE NOBLE HUMAN EXPERIENCE,

THAT'S A WRAP.

BUT I'M SURE IT WILL BE HEALED

BY THE RELEASE OF "GREEN BOOK

3."

TRUST ME, IT CAN AND SHOULD NOT

HAPPEN.

OKAY.

I'M BACK.

I DIDN'T CATCH ALL OF YOUR

PIECE, BUT DID YOU SAY THERE IS

A NEW "GREEN BOOK"?

I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

> > THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,

STEPHEN.

ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

> > SEE YOU A LITTLE BIT LATER.

ARE WE READY TO GO ON?

WHAT ARE WE DOING NOW?

IS THIS ELECTROMAP?

WE'RE DOING THE CIRCUS FIRST.

I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THAT

BEFORE.

YES.

DON'T SAY THE WORD VAMP.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE A

PLAN.

JOINING -- WE DON'T HAVE PLAN,

BUT DON'T SAY IT.

WE'RE PROFESSIONALS, GODDAMNIT.

JOINING ME BACK TO THE LATE

SHOW, MARK McKINNON AND JOHN

HILEMAN.

I REALIZE WE REALLY JUST BOOKED

YOUR HAT.

OH, LADY AND GENTLEMEN, THANK

YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

WELCOME BACK.

GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU AGAIN.

YOU WERE HERE IN 2016 WHEN THIS

WHOLE DIRTY, DIRTY BUSINESS

STARTED.

ARE YOU HAVING ANY FLASH BACKS?

> > WHEN YOU'RE SAYING I WAS

HERE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN EXACTLY

BY HERE?

> > YOU WERE ON OUR SHOWTIME

SPECIAL.

WE'RE ALL ON TV RIGHT NOW ON

SHOWTIME.

> > WE ARE.

THIS FEELS LIKE SOME VIRTUALLY

SPACE.

I FELT LIKE I WAS PHYSICALLY IN

YOUR PRESENCE ON ELECTION NIGHT.

> > I HAD AN OUT OF BODY

EXPERIENCE ON ELECTION NIGHT.

I WASN'T IN MY OWN PRESENCE ON

ELECTION NIGHT FOUR YEARS AGO.

> > I RECALL THAT.

YOU DID NOT HAVE FUN ON THAT

NIGHT.

> > AND YOU KICKING UP YOUR
HEELS

AND WHISTLING A HAPPY TUNE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

> > I WOULD SAY THAT FLASH BACKS

ARE NOT AN UNCOMMON OCCURRENCE

FOR ME IN GENERAL, BUT THE

FLASHBACKS I HAVE FROM THAT

NIGHT ARE PARTICULARLY

UNPLEASANT.

> > WHERE ARE YOU ALL RIGHT NOW

IN THE WORLD.

IS THIS LIKE THE STATE OF THE

UNION, YOU HAVE TO BE IN

DIFFERENT LOCATIONS TO KEEP THE

CHAIN OF CIRCUIT COMMAND GOING

IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS.

> > BECAUSE OF COVID, WE HAVE

ACTUALLY NEVER EVEN SEEN EACH

OTHER DURING THIS WHOLE RUN, BUT

ALSO WE WANT TO COVER THE

COUNTRY, AND WE HAVE 13

DIFFERENT PLACES RIGHT NOW.

I'M IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

ALEX, WHERE ARE YOU?

> > I'M CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED

TO BE IN HELL.

I'M ACTUALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA,

WHICH IS ONE OF THE SWINGIEST

PARTS OF A VERY SWING STATE THAT

EVERYBODY IS OBSESSED WITH, AND

IT LOOKS LIKE I WILL BE HERE

UNTIL 2021.

> > ALEX THINKS SHE'S IN HELL.

I'M IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA,

MAN.

YOU ARE IN LIKE PARADISE

COMPARED TO ME, WAGNER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU ARE NUTS.

> > HE DOESN'T GET TO LEAVE AND

THERE IS HUMIDITY.

I THINK HE WINS THIS CONTEST.

> > CORRECT.

> > LET ME ASK YOU.

100 MILLION VOTES WERE CAST

BEFORE WE EVEN OPENED THE POLLS

OKAY.

WHO CAN YOU TELL SO FAR

BENEFITTED FROM THAT?

THEY SAID BIDEN, BUT IS THAT

PLAYING OUT?

> > I THINK SO.

I MEAN, I THINK WHEN WE HAVE --

IN STATES WHERE YOU ARE ALLOWED

TO TOUCH THOSE MAIL-IN BALLOTS

AND OPEN THEM AND TABULATE THEM

BEFORE ELECTION DAY, THE EARLY

VOTES ARE SWINGING TOWARDS

BIDEN.

IN MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN AND

PENNSYLVANIA, IT'S GOING TO BE

SLOW DOING AND WE'RE NOT GOING

TO KNOW EXACTLY, BUT THE

EXPECTATION IS THAT IT'S GOING

TO BENEFIT BIDEN.

> > MARK, DOES THIS FEEL ANY

DIFFERENT TO YOU THIS TIME

AROUND?

IT FEELS A LITTLE DIFFERENT TO

ME BECAUSE LAST TIME I HAD AN

AUDIENCE AND I WASN'T

BROADCASTING FROM A STORAGE ROOM

PRETENDING IT WAS AN OFFICE.

WHAT FEELS DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU,

ABOUT THIS TO YOU?

> > I'LL TELL YOU, WHAT'S
STRANGE

TO ME IS HOW MUCH IT FEELS LIKE

2016 ALL OF A SUDDEN.

I THINK FOR A WHILE -- I THINK

FOR A WHILE PEOPLE GOT

DISTRACTED FROM WHAT'S REALLY

GOING ON HERE.

A YEAR AGO WHEN DEMOCRATS WERE

STRIKE THAT

SAYING WHAT THEY NEEDED TO DO,

THEY NEEDED TO WIN BACK THE BLUE

WALL PERIOD.

SUDDENLY PEOPLE STARTED TALKING

ABOUT GEORGIA AND NORTH CAROLINA

AND FLORIDA.

IT WAS ALL THE FEVER DREAM, AND

IT'S COMING BACK TO EXACTLY WHAT

WE -- YOU KNOW, WHAT PEOPLE

THOUGHT A YEAR AGO, WHICH IS

IT'S GOING TO COME DOWN TO WHERE

ALEX IS AND WISCONSIN AND

MICHIGAN AND MAYBE ARIZONA.

> > ISN'T THAT -- ISN'T THAT WHY

THE DEMOCRATS WENT WITH JOE

BIDEN, REALLY, IS BECAUSE HE IS

THAT RUST BELT GUY?

> > YEAH.

HE'S SCRANTON JOE.

HE STARTED HIS CAMPAIGN IN

PITTSBURGH.

HE ENDED IT IN PITTSBURGH.

THIS IS THE SORT OF DNA OF

BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN.

THIS IS WHY HE'S AT THE TOP OF

THE TICKET AND NOW WE ARE SEEING

IT BEING BORN OUT IN THE

ELECTION ITSELF.

> > JOHN, YOU WERE ON THE SHOW

BEING INTERVIEWED BY ME WHEN

FLORIDA WAS CALLED FOUR YEARS

AGO.

THAT WAS A REMARKABLE -- THAT

WAS A REMARKABLE MOMENT.

> > YES.

> > WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON

DOWN THERE?

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE THIS TIME?

FOUR YEARS LATER, WITH

EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED, THE

LAST THING I SAW THAT TRUMP WAS

LEADING BY MORE THAN HE WON LAST

TIME.

> > YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, STEPHEN,

FLORIDA IS GONNA FLORIDA.

THAT'S THE THING.

IT'S A MESS DOWN HERE.

AND, YOU KNOW, I'M IN PINELAS

COUNTY.

THIS COUNTY THAT WHOEVER WINS

THIS COUNTRY, A LOT OF SENIOR

CITIZENS HERE, INDEPENDENT

SENIOR CITIZENS.

THEY GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN

THE PARTIES, WHOEVER WINS THIS

COUNTY WINS FLORIDA.

THAT'S HISTORICALLY BEEN TRUE

THROUGHOUT OUR LIFETIME WITH THE

EXCEPTION OF AL GORE.

ALTHOUGH SOME ARGUE THAT WAS

ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE THAT

WON PINELAS COUNTY AND WON

FLORIDA.

JOE BIDEN WON PINELAS COUNTY AND

THEN DONALD TRUMP CRUSHED HIM IN

THE REST OF THE STATE.

FOR THE SIX CORE BATTLEGROUND

STATES THAT BOTH CAMPAIGNS

FOUGHT IN FOR A YEAR, THIS WAS

THE ONE THAT PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT

TRUMP HAD THE ENGINE MOSTLY OF

THE CORE SIX.

THIS IS THE ONE THAT WAS

CONSIDERED STRONGEST FOR TRUMP.

IT IS HIS ADOPTIVE HOME.

PEOPLE WERE MORE SURPRISED IN

2016, PEOPLE WERE GENERALLY MORE

SURPRISED THAT TRUMP COULD BE

PRESIDENT IN 2016 AND FLORIDA

WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLACE THAT

HILLARY CLINTON HAD LOCKED UP.

SO WE WERE ALL STUNNED ON THE

AIR WITH YOU NIGHT.

I REMEMBER YOUR AUDIENCE CRY IN.

BUT THIS TIME AROUND I THINK A

LOT OF PEOPLE HAD THE

EXPECTATION THAT THIS WAS A

PLACE TRUMP WOULD WIN, SO IT

CAME AS LESS OF A SURPRISE TO

PEOPLE TONIGHT THAT TRUMP IS

GOING TO WIN HERE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A

CARPET BAGGER HERE, RIGHT.

HE'S GOT A COUPLE GOLF COURSES

HERE.

PEOPLE LIKE HIM.

> > BUT HE CRUSHED IN MIAMI
DADE.

CUBAN AMERICANS, VENEZUELANS.

MAN, BIDEN IS A SOCIALIST

MESSAGE REALLY, REALLY PUNCHED

HIS LIGHTS OUT.

> > YES.

IT IS SURPRISING IN THE SENSE

THAT ONE OF THE STRENGTHS WAS

SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN, AND I

HAVEN'T SEEN ALL THE DEMOGRAPHIC

DATA, BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO

HAVE BEEN REPERFORMED BETTER

WITH SENIOR CITIZENS THAN TRUMP.

HE'S PERFORMED PRETTY WELL WITH

SENIORS HERE.

BUT TO MARK'S POINT WHAT TRUMP

HAS DONE IN FLORIDA IS USE THAT

SOCIALISM MESSAGE AND SOME OF

THE LAW AND ORDER STUFF TO

PENETRATE WITH THE LATINO VOTE

TO A POINT A LOT OF LIBERALS

COULD UNDERSTAND.

> > ALEX, I WANT TO -- YOU'RE IN

PENNSYLVANIA.

AS YOU SAID, YOU'RE GOING TO BE

THERE UNTIL THE SUNBURNS OUT TO

A CINDER.

AND EXPLAIN TO ME AND THE

AUDIENCE WHY THAT IS.

WHAT IS DIFFICULT ABOUT COUNTING

THE VOTES IN PENNSYLVANIA?

WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH TERRIBLE

RECOUNTS IN THE PATHS.

WHAT IS THE ORDER IN WHICH THESE

VOTES WILL BE TALLIED?

IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

> > YEAH.

WELL, SO, THEY HAVE A DEMOCRATIC

GOVERNOR AND A REPUBLICAN STATE

LEGISLATURE.

AND IT BASICALLY ENSURED THAT

MAIL-IN BALLOTS CANNOT BE

TOUCHED BEFORE ELECTION DAY.

THEY COULD OPEN THEM AT 7:00

P.

A.M., BUT THEY COULDN'T START

COUNTING THEM UNTIL THE POLLS

CLOSED.

IT'S ROOMS OF PEOPLE OPENING UP

ENVELOPES, UNFOLDING THE BALLOTS

AND COUNTING THEM.

AS OF RIGHT NOW, AS OF THIS

HOUR, THEY HAD OPENED ABOUT HALF

OF THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS THEY HAD

RECEIVED AND COUNTED ABOUT

ONE-EIGHTHS OF THEM.

THEY THINK IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL

DAYS.

AND THAT'S WORKING VERY FAST.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE

WORKING FAST, EATING COOKIES,

ANYTHING TO FUEL THEM THROUGH

THE PROCESS.

> > ARE THOSE MAIL-INS EXPECTED

TO GO TRUMP'S WAY OR BIDEN'S

WAY?

> > BIDEN'S WAY.

> > BIDEN'S WAY, OKAY.

> > BROADLY IS THAT THE MAIL-IN

BALLOTS FAVOR DEMOCRATS.

SO ONE OF THE REASONS EVERYBODY

NEEDS TO SIMMER DOWN AND HOLD ON

IS BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF

MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN WISCONSIN,

MICHIGAN AND PENNSYLVANIA.

MORE IN MICHIGAN THAN ANYWHERE

ELSE.

PENNSYLVANIA IS ABOUT 45%, 40%

OF THE STATE IS MAIL-IN BALLOTS

AND IT WILL TAKE TIME TO COUNT

THEM AND NONE OF THOSE BALLOTS

COULD HAVE BEEN COUNTED BEFORE

ELECTION DAY.

NOW THAT WE'RE DOWN TO THOSE

THREE DASTATES, WE HAVE TO WAIT

> > NOT CLEAR THAT DONALD TRUMP

IS GOING TO WAIT, THOUGH.

THAT'S THE QUESTION.

154.

WE HAVEN'T HAD TRUMP MAKE A

SPEECH YET CLAIMING VICTORY.

> > WE PROMISED THAT IF EITHER

CANDIDATES GIVE A SPEECH, WE

WILL NOT GO TO IT.

NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET?

> > SOUND EDITORIAL JUDGMENT.

> > WHAT ABOUT THE SENATE?

DO THE DEMOCRATS STILL HAVE A

SHOT AT FLIPPING THAT?

LET'S SAY BIDEN WINS.

DO THEY GET THOSE THREE SEATS

THEY NEED?

> > COME ON.

GROW A PAIR.

YOU'RE NOT SWORN IN.

> > WELL, RIGHT NOW IT'S NETSO

ZERO.

WE DON'T KNOW.

> > WHEN DO YOU THINK WE WILL

KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS?

> > THURSDAY.

> > THERE IT IS.

IT'S THURSDAY, EVERYBODY.

THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PHONE

CALL WILLING TO TAKE A STAND.

> > I WILL SAY TO YOUR POINT
THAT

IT LOOKS INCREASINGLY LIKE

REPUBLICANS MAY HOLD THE SENATE.

> > ALL RIGHT.

THERE IT IS.

WELL, ALEX WAGNER, JOHN AND

MARK, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AN HONOR TO SHARE THE SHOWTIME

WITH YOU AGAIN.

STAY SAFE.

STAY STERILE.

> > AS SOON AS NIGERIA COMES IN,

WE'LL HAVE A FINAL COUNT.

> > THAT WAS A GREAT PARADE

MONDAY.

THAT WAS A GREAT RALLY.

BYE, GUYS!

LET'S PUT UP THE ELECTORAL MAP

AND BREAK THIS DOWN.

SO THIS IS THE ELECTORAL MAP.

CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THIS?

CAN WE ROBO OVER?

THIS IS THE ELECTORAL MAP RIGHT

NOW.

AT FIRST FLUSH IT LOOKS A LOT

LIKE A MAP BECAUSE TECHNICALLY

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

THEY MOVED IT TO ARIZONA.

I WAS AGAINST IT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT NEBRASKA.

SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH

NEBRASKA SECOND.

LET ME JUST -- THAT'S BROKEN.

THAT'S BROKEN.

LET'S MOVE ON.

ANYWAY, THAT'S A MAP.

THAT'S WHAT MAPS LOOK LIKE, IN

CASE YOU ARE WONDERING.

LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

ARE WE READY TO GO?

I WANT TO WARN OUR AFFILIATES

WE'RE GOING TO GO LONG.

LET'S FIND OUT.

HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE,

HONEY?

YOU DON'T HAVE AN EAR PIECE.

YOU DIDN'T HEAR WHAT THE GUYS ON

"THE CIRCUS" HAD TO STAY.

HELLO, YOU THREE BEAUTIFUL

PEOPLE.

HOW ARE YOU?

> > ASK ME THAT IN THE MORNING.

> > YOU GUYS, I'M VERY HAPPY
THAT

YOU ARE HERE, BUT I HAVE TO TALK

WITH THESE GUYS FOR A SECOND

BECAUSE THEY WERE HERE FOUR

YEARS AGO.

HOW DOES THIS FEEL COMPARED TO

FOUR YEARS AGO?

HOW WOULD YOU STACK IT UP?

> > I HAVE AGED MANY DECADES IN

THE PAST FOUR YEARS, SO I'M

TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC.

TONIGHT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE IT IS

A BIG NIGHT FOR WOMAN WHO HAVE

ENTERED POLITICS.

IT'S ALSO THE ONLY NIGHT WE GET

TO SEE TRUMP CARE ABOUT MORE

THAN ONE RACE.

LOTS OF POSITIVES TONIGHT.

> > DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A

COCKTAIL?

DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A LITTLE

SOMETHING TO DRINK TONIGHT?

> > I'VE GOTTA TEQUILA BECAUSE

AFTER THIS ELECTION I'M GOING TO

LOSE A LOT OF AMIGOS.

> > I'VE GOT A MOSCOW MULE AND

DOUBLE FISTING.

I'VE GOT A WEIRD SCREWDRIVER.

JUST THE COLOR OF TRUMP'S FACE

MIXED WITH VODKA.

> > CAN YOU MAKE ME A VIRGIN
JUST

NEAT.

DON'T DROWN IT.

ON ELECTION NIGHT IN 2016, YOU

SAID IF DONALD TRUMP BECOMES

PRESIDENT, THERE WILL BE A LOT

MORE RACISM, SEXISM, CLASSISM.

HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE

RIGHT?

> > I'M NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

I FIND IT FASCINATING THAT

DONALD TRUMP WAS LITERALLY AS

BAD AS EVERYBODY SAID HE WOULD

BE.

THERE IS ONE OTHER PERSON THAT

EXCEEDED OTHER EXPECTATIONS

PEOPLE HAD OF HIM.

AND THAT WAS LeBRON JAMES.

WE ARE ALL WITNESSES.

YET, THIS ELECTION IS STILL

CLOSE TONIGHT.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

> > I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU MIGHT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE A POLL

WATCHER TODAY.

GOOD FOR YOU.

THAT'S A LOVELY THING TO HAVE

DONE.

> > I CAME FROM CALIFORNIA TO

NEVADA TO BE A POLL WATCHER WITH

THE NEVADA DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

AND IN THE TRAINING THEY SAID BE

ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ANY

REPUBLICANS WHO MIGHT SHOW UP

WITH GUNS.

I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO WE GET,

WHISTLES?

I GOT NOTHING.

MY JOB, STEPHEN, IT WAS ACTUALLY

ONE OF THE MOST BORING JOBS IN

THE WORLD.

MY JOB WAS TO TIME THE GUY FROM

THE END OF THE LINE TO THE FRONT

OF THE LINE, WHICH WOULD TAKE

ABOUT TWO HOURS.

I FELT LIKE A COACH FOR A TRACK

TEAM THAT WAS JUST REALLY SLOW,

AND AT THE END OF THE TRACK RACE

ALL THEY GET IS A STICKER AND

MAYBE A NEW PRESIDENT.

I DON'T KNOW.

> > MAYBE.

MAYBE.

JENNA, FOUR YEARS AGO, YOU

EXPRESSED IN A VERY PITHY WAY

THAT I WON'T NECESSARILY REPEAT

THAT YOU WERE WORRIED AFTER IT

TURNED OUT THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS

GOING TO BE PRESIDENT ABOUT THE

STATE OF WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE

RIGHTS, SHALL WE SAY.

AND FOUR YEARS LATER, HOW -- HOW

DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE STATE OF

THOSE RIGHTS FOR WOMEN?

> > I FEEL MOST SCARED FOR OUR

DAUGHTERS, THE ONES WE'RE GOING

TO BE FORCED TO HAVE.

I'M TRYING NOT TO BE AS CRASS AS

I WAS LAST TIME.

> > YOU WERE CRASS.

YOU WERE HONEST.

IT IS ONE OF THE FEW LINES I

REMEMBER.

> > IT'S COOL THAT AMY CONEY

BARRETT IS SO PRO LIFE.

LIFE NEEDS HEALTH CARE.

THAT'S ENCOURAGING.

NO, IT'S NOT.

I MEAN, IT'S SAD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS CAN GET

PLAN B ONLINE AND PLAN C YOU

SHOULD ALL GET THAT.

IT IS CALLED MOVING TO CANADA.

CHECK THAT OUT.

> > OKAY.

> > DONALD TRUMP MADE A BIG PUSH

FOR BLACK MEN THIS TIME AROUND.

HOW DO YOU THINK THAT OUTREACH

WENT?

> > YOU KNOW, I'M SURE HE

CAPTURED A FEW.

BUT BLACK MEN ARE THE SECOND

LARGEST VOTING BLOCK OF

DEMOCRATS, SO I DOUBT HE

CAPTURED ENOUGH TO MAKE A

DIFFERENCE.

THEY HAD ADS DIRECT ED TOWARDS

BLACK MEN.

IT WAS POWERFUL.

> > WHAT WAS POWERFUL ABOUT IT?

> > THE ONES HIGHLIGHTING JOE

BIDEN'S RECORD.

HE IS ONE OF THE ARCHITECTS OF

THE WAR ON DRUGS AND

INCARCERATION IN THIS COUNTRY.

YOU CAN'T LOOK PASTED THAT.

IF YOU ARE A BLACK MAN AND YOU

ARE MADE AWAY OF THESE THINGS

BIDEN HAS DONE AND TRUMP IS

CALLING HIM OUT ON THAT AND

SAYING HE WILL DO THE OPPOSITE

OF THAT.

I CAN HANDLE THAT.

BUT THE FASCISM THAT TRUMP

BRINGS, I CAN'T HANDLE.

EVEN THOUGH BIDEN RUINED BLACK

COMMUNITIES IN THE PAST, TRUMP

WHAT HE'S IMPLEMENTING NOW WOULD

ROW WIN US MORE IN THE FUTURE, I

BELIEVE.

> > IT'S SORT OF A RELATED

QUESTION.

MAZ, MANY IRANIAN IMMIGRANTS TO

THE UNITED STATES HAVE SUPPORTED

THE PRESIDENT.

YOU'RE IRANIAN DESCENT.

WHY DO YOU THINK IN LIGHT OF THE

MUSLIM BAN WHICH HE IMPLEMENTED

AFTER THE COURTS SAID HE

COULDN'T, WHAT IS THE REASONING

BEHIND THAT SUPPORT, DO YOU

THINK?

> > I THINK A LOT OF IRANIAN

IMMIGRANTS THINK HE WILL GET RID

OF THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT.

BUT THERE IS NO PLAN THERE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS

PLAYING SOCCER ONE TIME AND THIS

PERSON GOES, I'M A BIG FAN, BUT

PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF TRUMP.

I SAID WHY?

HE SAID HE'S GOING TO GET RID OF

THE MUSLIMS.

I WAS LIKE WHY?

HE'S LIKE, HE'S FUCKING CRAZY.

WE'RE AT A POINT WHERE A LOT OF

THESE GUYS HAVE DONE THAT.

A LOT OF THESE GUYS HAVE GONE

DOWN THE QANON RABBIT HOLE.

I HAVE BECOME A POLITICAL

SCIENCE TEACHER FOR AN ONLINE

COLLEGE.

AD THEY COME TO ME WITH ALL

THEIR WHACKY IDEAS.

THEY CAME AT ME WHEN HBO MAX

TOOK OFF THE "GONE WITH THE

WIND."

I GO, WHEN DID YOU BECOME A

CINCI

CINEPHILE?

THEY THINK CANCEL CULTURE.

> > I SEE.

> > THEY WERE LIKE WHAT ABOUT

CANCEL CULTURE?

WHAT ABOUT JOE BIDEN.

EDUCATE YOURSELF.

LIKE YOU SAID, THE TRAVEL BAN,

THE SANCTIONS THE PEOPLE OF IRAN

ARE SUFFERING UNDER.

SO I DON'T KNOW.

I'M TELLING YOU.

I JUST CONTINUE TO DRINK.

> > IT'S SO DARK THAT --

> > PLEASE.

> > IT'S SO CRAZY THAT YOU HAVE

TO DRESS YOUR DOG AS AN ICONIC

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS.

I'M JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE

MOOD.

> > OH.

LOOK AT RBG.

SHE'S ADORABLE.

> > JENNA, FOUR YEARS AGO, I

ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO

DO NOW THAT TRUMP IS PRESIDENT.

AND YOU SAID I'M GOING TO

PORTUGAL.

> > I HAD A GIG IN PORTUGAL.

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE THIS

TIME.

> > WAIT A SECOND.

YOU HAD A GIG IN PORTUGAL?

YOU WERE PLAYING A COMEDY CLUB

THERE?

> > NO.

IT WAS LIKE A TECH EVENT, AND I

WAS PERFORMING AT IT FOR, YOU

KNOW, TECH KIDS.

> > SO ARE YOU GOING TO GO

ANYWHERE TOMORROW?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO GO BACK

TO PORTUGAL?

> > I AM STAYING PUT.

AND WHEN I DO LEAVE THE HOUSE, I

WEAR A MASK.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S LIKE

CONTROVERSIAL.

> > I'M SORRY.

I FORGET.

WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE

ANYMORE.

> > AS THE NIGHT WINDS DOWN, ANY

FINAL THOUGHTS?

ANYTHING TO LEAVE US WITH?

> > I GUESS MY FINAL THOUGHT IS,

YOU KNOW, SIMPLE.

YOU KNOW, THIS ADMINISTRATION,

THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS

SHOWED US WHO THEY ARE.

THE QUESTION IS WILL AMERICA

CONTINUE TO LET THEM BE AND WILL

AMERICA CONTINUE TO LET ANY OF

THIS BE?

LIKE WE HAVE TO BE THE CHANGE

THAT WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD

AND REGARDLESS OF WHO WINS

TONIGHT, I HAVE WORK TO DO.

I WILL KEEP JOB CREATING AND

DEALING WITH POLITICS ON A LOCAL

LEVEL.

IF BIDEN/HARRIS WIN, I'M ON

THEIR ASS IMMEDIATELY.

ALL THESE PROMISES MADE DURING

THIS CAMPAIGN, ALL THE CRIME

BILLS BIDEN IMPLEMENTED, HE HAS

TO ATONE FOR THAT.

IF WE GET THEM TO THE WHITE

HOUSE, WE HAVE CLEAR DEMANDS TO

BE MET AND I WILL BE HOLDING

DEMOCRATS ACCOUNTABLE TO MAKE

SURE THEY MAKE THOSE PROMISES.

> > THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING

HERE.

> > THANK YOU.

> > AND STAY SAFE.

BYE, POTATO.

> > ALL RIGHT.

HOPEFULLY WE'RE HAPPY TOMORROW.

> > I HOPE SO.

THOUGH, IT MAY NOT BE FOR A FEW

DAYS.

ARE WE GOING ON TO OUR FRIENDS?

> > YEAH.

> > TWO OTHER NETWORKS, ONE OF

WHICH IS NOT CBS.

AND JUST BY THE INDICATION OF

YOUR FACE, TELL ME HOW IT'S BEEN

CALLED.

OH, BOY.

SURE.

GIVE ME THE OHIO CARD.

WHY NOT.

WE HAVE A CALL.

WE HAVE A CALL COMING IN.

THANK YOU, SQUIRE.

OKAY.

THIS IS THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.

IT'S IN THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE,

OKAY.

SO SEE THE MAP UP THERE?

THAT'S CBS' MAP, AND IT DOESN'T

HAVE THIS, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO

SAY.

OKAY.

I MIGHT GET A SHARPIE OUT AND

JUST COLOR IT IN.

NOT-CBS IS READY TO CALL OHIO,

HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD

TRUMP.

IT'S GONE FROM THE BUCKEYE STATE

TO THE FUCK WHY STATE.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

IT'S THE SAME SOLID JUDGMENT

THAT TOOK A PERFECTLY GOOD BOWL

OF CHILI AND SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT

THIS NEEDS?

SPAGHETTI.

WHAT'S ROUND AT BOTH ENDS AND

FUCKED IN THE HEAD?

OHIO.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULD LOVE SOME MUSIC.

SOME MUSIC WOULD BE LOVELY.

LET'S -- HI!

HOW ARE YOU?

KEEP IT LIGHT.

LATE SHOW.

OKAY.

AM I STANDING UP FOR THIS?

OR AM I GOING IT HERE?

ARE WE STILL ON THE AIR?

WE'RE PASSED MIDNIGHT.

WHAT DID WE PUSH?

WHAT DO WE PUSH?

A RERUN OF HOMELAND OR

SOMETHING?

WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON NOW

THAT IS NOT ON BECAUSE I'M DOING

THIS?

I WANT AN ANSWER.

> > OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT.

AND NOW -- HEY, THEY MIGHT GET

ANOTHER SEASON.

AND NOW, DEBUTING THEIR NEW

SONG, GENERATION A, INSPIRED BY

THE CURRENT CLIMATE OF THE

COUNTRY WITH A HOPEFUL MESSAGE

TO THE YOUTHS, ARCADE FIRE.

> > THIS IS GENERATION X, AND

WE'RE NOT GOING TO WAIT!

THEY SAY WAIT A LITTLE LONGER

AND THE TIMES ARE GONNA

CHANGE

THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW

YESTERDAY IS ALWAYS STRANGE

THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE

OLDER

AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND

THEY SAID THE GENERATION IS

COMING

AND I DON'T THINK THEY

UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT A

PATIENT MAN NOTE

WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE

READY

WAIT UNTIL YOUR NUMBER IS

CALLED

THEY SAY, WAIT, ALL WE NEED

IS LOVE

BUT CALIFORNIA IS BURNING

NEW ORLEANS IS WADING FOR THE

FLOOD

I CAN'T WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

YOU THINK THEY COULD TAKE US

CAN'T WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

THEY SAY THE SUMMER OF LOVE

NO THEY SAY THE SUMMER OF LO

CITIES BURNING

I CAN'T WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

DO YOU THINK THEY CAN TAKE US

I CAN'T WAIT

I CAN'T WAIT

IT'S TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE

TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

> > ARCADE FIRE, EVERYBODY.

WELL, FOLKS.

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE REACHED THE

END OF THE SHOW, AND WE STILL

DON'T KNOW WHO WON.

WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

FOR SO LONG.

IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS EVE AND NOT

JUST BECAUSE OF THE JUDGMENTAL

FAT GUY WITH THE RED HAT BUT

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL UP LATE

WONDERING IF WE'RE BEGINNING TO

GET THE PRESENT WE'VE BEEN

WAITING FOR, A BORING PRESIDENT.

LIKE YOU, I'M EXHAUSTED.

NOT JUST FROM TONIGHT.

ALTHOUGH, YEAH.

BUT FROM THE PAST FOUR YEARS, I

HAVE BEEN ON HIGH ALERT SINCE

EARLY IN THE MORNING NOVEMBER

9th OF 2016.

NOW, MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS WITHIN

NORMAL RANGE FOR A TRUCK TIRE.

YOU COULD ROLL MY AORTA OVER A

GRAVEL ROAD, I WOULDN'T FEEL A

BUMP.

WE HAVE BEEN HOVERING OVER IN

THE RED ZONE.

AND EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU CAN

TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS, A

CARAVAN OF TRUMP TRUCKS TRIES TO

RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS.

I WILL.

NOW I WILL SAY SOMETHING C

CONTROVER

CONTROVERSIAL.

IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD THING WE

DON'T KNOW WHO WON YET.

STOP THAT!

YOU DON'T EXIST.

STOP IT.

THE TRUTH IS THE REASON IT'S

TAKING SO LONG TO DECLARE A

WINNER IS BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SUCH

A MASSIVE VOTER TURNOUT.

GOING INTO TONIGHT, MANY WERE

PREDICTING THE HIGHEST RATE OF

VOTER TURNOUT SINCE 1908.

THAT WAS A CLOSE RACE, BUT

WILLIAM TAFT WON IN THE

POST-ELECTION WEIGH OFF.

MILLIONS OF YOU BRAVED THE

PANDEMIC, AN ARMY OF POLL

WATCHERS, EVEN THE POST OFFICE

JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT TO

VOTEMENT AND EACH ONE OF THOSE

BALLOTS DESERVES TO BE COUNTED

WHETHER THEY ARE VOTES FOR

BIDEN, TRUMP OR A WRITE-IN VOTE

FOR BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS.

MANY OF YOU WAITED FOR HOURS TO

MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD.

WE CAN ALL WAIT JUST A LITTLE

BIT LONGER.

BUT WE DESERVE SOME SMALL TASTE

OF THAT SATISFACTION WE CRAVE.

IN CLOSING TONIGHT, PLEASE ENJOY

THIS BRIEF MONTAGE OF THINGS

THAT FEEL AS SATISFYING AS YOU

WANT THIS TO.

> > AND NOW, THINGS THAT FEEL AS

SATISFYING AS YOU WANT THIS.

> > WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW,

AMERICA, ON CBS.

GOOD NIGHT!