Stephen Colbert's Election Night 2020: Democracy's Last Stand: Building Back America Great Again Better 2020 (2020) - full transcript
> > > THE MOST CONTENTIOUS
ELECTION IN U.S. HISTORY.
> > STILL HOURS UNTIL THE POLLS
CLOSE.
> > THE NATION STILL REELING
FROM
THE DEADLIEST PANDEMIC IN A
CENTURY.
> > COULD BE DAYS OR WEEKS
BEFORE
WE KNOW THE RESULTS.
> > THE QUESTION ALL AMERICA IS
ASKING: ARE WE FUCKED?
> > CNN IS NOW READY TO PROJECT:
TOO EARLY TO CALL.
> > TOO EARLY TO CALL, HUH?
WELL, WAIT UNTIL THEY GET A LOAD
OF ME.
> > THIS ELECTION, SO HISTORIC,
SO CRUCIAL.
WHO WILL THE PEOPLE CHOOSE?
PERHAPS A PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT
WISH TO MURDER ME.
ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, WOLF.
IT IS YOUR ONCE AND FUTURE
PRESIDENT HERE WITH AN IMPORTANT
ELECTION UPDATE.
I SMELL A LANDSLIDE!
> > EXCUSE ME, SENATOR.
MASKS ARE REQUIRED BEYOND THIS
POINT.
> > OH.
SILLY ME.
OFF TO THE FUCK PIT.
> > I HAVE DEFEATED THE CHINA
VIRUS!
AND NOW HERE TONIGHT, I WILL
DEFEAT THE CHINA BIDEN.
BILL BARR, LET'S CLOSE THE
POLLS.
> > YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
> > WHAT THE FUCK?
WHY ARE YOU NAKED?
> > WE'RE ON SHOWTIME.
I CAN SHOW FULL FRONTAL, MR.
PRESIDENT.
> > ALL RIGHT.
NOW LET'S LOCK THEM UP.
> > TIME TO PUT THE DICK IN
DICTA
DICTATOR.
> > SEE, AMERICA?
A LANDSLIDE!
TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE ON THE
STREETS OF D.C.
THIS DEMOCRACY.
> > BREAKING NEWS, I AM NOW
LOCKED IN A POLLING PLACE WITH
HUNDREDS OF VOTERS AND ONLY ONE
BATHROOM.
IT SEEMS CHILI WAS A BAD LUNCH
CHOICE.
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND:
WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?
> > I'M AWAKE.
AM I PRESIDENT YET?
> > NO.
IT'S THE JOE SIGNAL.
WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
> > THERE IS A TRADE COMING?
I HAVE TO GET MY BAGS.
> > NO.
DEMOCRACY IS IN JEOPARDY.
> > OH, RIGHT, THE THING.
TO THE BIDEN BASEMENT.
> > WHAT A LANDSLIDE, HUH,
FOLKS?
HERE'S YOUR STUPID STIMULUS,
SUCKERS.
LOSERS!
> > BREATHE IN THE CORONAVIRUS.
DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOU.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL 20 YEARS
YOUNGER.
> > MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
WHO DO YOU TRUST?
ME?
I'M GIVING AWAY FREE VACCINES.
> > AND WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?
HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS MASK.
> > I GOT ICE CREAM ON IT.
GEEZ.
> > FOCUS, JOE.
TIME TO SUIT UP.
> > TO THE BIDEN MOBILE, COME
ON!
> > HIS TEAR GAS ASS IS GRASS.
> > NO.
WHY IS HE NAKED?
> > IT'S SHOWTIME, JOE.
> > OH, RIGHT.
I ALWAYS GOT IT ON ME.
> > TAKE THIS, BITCH.
> > THIS IS TURNING ME ON.
> > WE HAVE BEEN FREED, AND JUST
IN TIME TO USE THE LITTLE
ANCHORS ROOM.
> > E.T., GO VOTE!
> > I KNEW HE WAS JUICING.
COME ON, YOU SLEEPY BASTARD.
> > TIME TO STOP THE MELARKY,
YOU
DOG FACE PONY CLOWN.
> > YOU CAN MAKE THE CHECK OUT.
> > I GUESS WE'RE DOING THIS.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST YOU AND ME NOW, MONO --
> > I LOVE YOU, DAD!
> > YOU LOSE, JOE.
> > WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
DEMOCRACY?
> > MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.
I DON'T KNOW.
> > NOT SO FAST.
PERSON, WOMAN.
> > MAN.
> > CAMERA, TV.
AND WE'RE LIVE.
> > DEMOCRACY DON'T DIE THAT
EASY, JACK.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE STILL GOT A
SAY WHO WINS AND WHO LOUZS.
STAND BACK.
I GOT TO SAY PRESIDENT.
NOW PUT THE DEMOCRACY DOWN AND
NOBODY GETS HURT.
OH, MAN.
WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?
BUMBLEBEE, NO!
> > YOU'RE ALL RED.
I HATE EVERYBODY.
> > 2020.
> > > WELCOME.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO OUR
LIVE ELECTION SPECIAL.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M WEARING A SUIT TONIGHT
BECAUSE IT IS THE ELECTION.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.
I DRESSED UP.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD, TOO.
I'M NOT ALONE.
I HAVE THE TWO MASKED MEN WHO
ARE NORMALLY IN HERE.
I WOULD LOVE TO LEARN THEIR
NAMES SOME DAY.
MY LADY WIFE IS THERE.
SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
SHE'S HAD A LITTLE WINE.
BUT SHE'S A CORE DEMOGRAPHIC.
SHE'S A SUBURBAN WOMAN.
AS SHE GOES, SO GOES THE NATION.
TONIGHT SHE'S GOING HOME WITH
ME.
TONIGHT WE'RE ON SHOWTIME JUST
LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND WE KNOW
WHY WE'RE HERE BECAUSE IT'S
LIVE.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW SOME WHAT SOME
OF THE INGREDIENTS OF TONIGHT'S
SHOW WILL BE.
AT THIS POINT, IT'S LIKE WE'RE
MAKING COOKIES AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH.
AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN,
PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND
YOURSELF.
HOLD ON TIGHT.
HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONESMENT
HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.
IF YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO
ANYTHING ELSE, TURN YOUR ZOOM
CAMERA OFF.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME
WHY WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN.
WE DID IT FOUR YEARS AGO, AND IT
WAS, QUITE FAMOUSLY, A PAINFUL
EXPERIENCE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH
ANYBODY ELSE THAN YOU RIGHT NOW
AND ONLY PARTLY BECAUSE WE'RE
NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE NEW YORK
RIGHT NOW.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE ON SHOWTIME
BECAUSE HOLY SHIT.
IT IS A WEIRD FUCKING ELECTION.
FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN A
PANDEMIC.
SO BEFORE THE POLLS OPENED, 99.7
MILLION AMERICANS ALREADY VOTED.
A LOT WERE SENT BY MAIL.
AS WE SPEAK THE GOP IS MARKING
HARD TO DISQUALIFY VOTES ON
TECHNICALITIES AND BASELESS
CHARGES OF FRAUD.
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM, FIND A
JUDGE WHO SAYS, NO, ACTUALLY YOU
DID BEAT THEM.
NOW, DOUBT ABOUT WHETHER THE
ELECTION WILL BE FAIR OR NOT HAS
RAISED FEAR OF VIOLENCE IN THE
STREETS.
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, RETAILERS
ARE BOARDING UP THEIR WINDOWS.
IT'S BEEN A BANNER DAY FOR JIM'S
DOOMSDAY PLYWOOD.
JIM'S IS ACTUALLY OPEN.
THE PLYWOOD IS JUST ALWAYS UP
THERE.
NOW, BUSINESSES THE EVERYWHERE
ARE TAKING PRECAUTIONS.
CVS IS PROTECTING ITS WINDOWS
WITH A SINGLE GATORADE.
AS WE SPEAK, JOE BIDEN IS IN
DELAWARE.
THE PRESIDENT IS AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.
IF EITHER OF THEM COMES OUT TO
SPEAK TONIGHT DURING THIS SHOW,
AND DO WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO
DO THIS?
WE ARE PREPARED NOT TO GO TO
EITHER ONE OF THEM BECAUSE THIS
IS MY SHOW.
GET YOUR OWN SHOW, FELLAS.
WHILE THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW SO
FAR, THE RESULTS YOU'LL BE
HEARING ARE REAL.
WE'RE GETTING STRAIGHT FROM CBS,
FROM THE PIPE THEY JACK IN TO
THE BACK OF JOHN DICKERSON'S
HEAD.
AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE
PRESIDENT IS THROWING A PARTY.
IS THAT HAPPENING?
IT'S STILL HAPPENING.
HE'S PLANNED 250 GUESTS DOWN TO
400.
TRUMP WANTED TO KEEP IT TO HIS
NEAREST AND NEAREST
CODEFENDANTS.
ONCE AGAIN, A LARGE INDOOR
GATHERING DURING A PANDEMIC.
IF HE LOSES, HE CAN SEAL HIS
ADMINISTRATION IN WITH HIM LIKE
A PHARAOH'S TOME.
HE HAS GOLD WALLS AND HIS
DEMONIC ESCORT INTO THE
UNDERWORLD.
AND TO KEEP TRUMP SAFE FROM THE
ELECTION UNREST THAT HE'S
COUNTING ON HAPPENING, THE
GOVERNMENT HAS ERECTED A
NONSCALEABLE FENCE AROUND THE
WHITE HOUSE.
SO IN THE END, THEY BUILT THE
WALL AND LOCKED HIM UP.
PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES
LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A TRIP TO
SEE VOTERS.
LAST NIGHT BIDEN WAS IN
PENNSYLVANIA.
HE BROUGHT OUT LADY GAGA.
THE BEST HE'S EVER GOTTEN WAS
POP SENSATION LADY RUDY.
THOUGH, IT IS REFRESHING TO SEE
RUDY IN THE COMEDY BIT WHERE
HE'S NOT TOUCHING HIMSELF.
SO IN ONE OF HIS CLOSING
RALLIES, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT
BIDEN'S POP STAR FRIEND.
> > LADY GAGA IS NOT TOO GOOD.
I COULD TELL YOU PLENTY OF
STORIES.
I COULD TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT
LADY GAGA.
I KNOW A LOT OF STORIES ABOUT
LADY GAGA.
> > WHAT?
YOU HAVE GOTS OF STORIES ABOUT
LADY GAGA?
THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING ONE
ABOUT THE SUPER STRONG RANCHER
THAT DOESN'T GO TO PARIS
ANYMORE.
OR THE WIFE THAT SUDDENLY LOVES
HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THEIR 401(k)
IS DOING WELL?
STOP WASTING TIME.
STILL THE GAGA TEA!
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN DOUBLED DOWN
ON THIS WITH A TWEET.
NOTHING EXPOSES BIDEN'S DISDAIN
FOR THE FORGOTTEN WORKING MEN
AND WOMEN OF PENNSYLVANIA LIKE
CAMPAIGNING WITH ANTI-FRACKING
ACTIVIST LADY GAGA.
YES.
WHO CAN FORGET HER BIG HIT?
> > FRACK.
THE GROUND.
> > THAT SONG GETS ME.
THAT SONG GETS ME EVERY TIME.
TRUMP ENDED THE CAMPAIGN WITH
THIS CLINCHING CLOSING ARGUMENT
IN THE FORM OF A VIDEO HE POSTED
AT 3:00 A.M. ON ELECTION DAY.
> > I PROMISE YOU, WE DID NOT
MAKE THAT UP.
THEY PUT THAT OUT.
DONALD TRUMP IS THE ONLY
CANDIDATE PROMISING THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE I WILL MASTURBATE TWO
INVISIBLE GIRAFFES.
ALL RIGHT.
LIKE THE GIRAFFE JOKE?
YOU DON'T.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS IT TIME?
IT'S TIME FOR SOME RESULTS.
OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE
HAVE RECEIVED THANKS TO ADVANCED
COMPUTER MODELING AND THE
OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM WE
HAVE BEEN RECEIVING FROM THE
FUTURE.
OKAY?
WE'RE READY TO MAKE SOME CALLS.
WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST?
MARYLAND.
LET'S START IN MARYLAND WHERE
CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS
DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.
BUT MARYLAND AND I HAVE SO MUCH
IN COMMON.
WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING
PEOPLE CRABS.
WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT
HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE
BOOST THANKS TO BEN AND JERRY'S
NEW FLAVOR, FORMER ICE PRESIDENT
KAMALA-NANNA HARR REECES-PIECES.
WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT
DELAWARE HAS BEEN WON BY JOE
BIDEN.
WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.
IT'S HIS HOME STATE.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP
LOSING NEW YORK.
HE WHAT?
THAT'S GOT TO STINK.
WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO
HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA.
NEW YORK STATE AND IT'S WHAPING
29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN
CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH
R. BIDEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU ARE
NOT DONALD TRUMP.
FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER
CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS
GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.
AND, OH, LOOK, MITCH McCONNELL
IS SO PROUD HE'S INFLATING HIS
WADDLE.
OH.
IMPRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.
WATCH OUT, LADIES.
NO SURPRISE.
DONALD TRUMP HAS ALSO WON
TENNESSEE WHICH HAS AN ACTUAL
STATE GUN.
THE BARRETT.50 CALIBER M-82
WHICH I'M BEING TOLD HAS ALSO
WON ITS SENATE SEAT.
AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST OR
NORTH, I'M NOT SURE.
INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
WELL, OF COURSE.
IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM OR
TAKE MIKE PENCE BACK.
THAT'S AN EASY CALL.
AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW
YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN
REPORT IT IS BEING CALLED FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES
OH, THE STATE WHERE THEY
DON'T CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN
CAIN.
> > HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER
THERE?
CAN WE GET HER SOME WINE?
THAT WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY IN
WHATEVER STATE SHE'S IN RIGHT
NOW.
ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN
OFFICIALLY DECIDED.
SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN SOUTH
DAKOTA ARE REACTING.
AND --
> > AH, SHIT.
> > OKAY.
BACK EAST, I'M GETTING -- IS
THIS TRUE?
I'M GETTING BREAKING RESULTS
FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW
JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE
BIDEN.
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
AFTER ALL THE FIRST EVER
BASEBALL BECAME WAS PLAYED IN
NEW JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE
BIDEN WAS THERE.
YEP.
STILL GOING TO DO THOSE JOKES,
SIR.
AND I'M GETTING THE RESULTS FROM
MASSACHUSETTS WHO PROJECT THAT
IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.
BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTON
WITH HIS STIRRING MESSAGE OF
TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO
SHUT THE HELL UP.
WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT NEW
HAMPSHIRE HAS BEEN CALLED FOR
FORMER PRESIDENT BIDEN.
LIVE FREE OR DIE ISN'T JUST THE
MOTTO, IT WAS THE TWO CHOICES ON
THE BALLOT.
AND AS LONG AS WE'RE LEAF
PEEPING IN LEAF PEEPING COUNTRY,
I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT
SENTENCE MEANS, JOE BIDEN HAS
WON CONNECTICUT.
YES.
TURNS OUT THE CONSTITUTION, THEY
PREFER SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE
CONSTITUTION.
IT WAS A SQUEAKER.
ONLY GAVE BIDEN A 99% OF
WINNING.
THEY FELT BIDEN REPRESENTED
THEIR CORE OF CONNECTICUT VALUES
OF ENJOYING FLEECE SWEATER
VESTS.
ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON
RESULTS FROM COLORADO.
AND NOW WE'VE GOT THEM.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN JUST
WON COLORADO.
HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT.
COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF
VOTING BY MAIL.
IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES,
99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN
BALLOTS.
THE REMAINING 0.7% COULD NOT
BECAUSE THEY HAD TURNED THEIR
MAILBOX INTO A BONG.
THERE IS MORE.
I WAS GOING TO GO ON TO
SOMETHING ELSE, BUT MY YOUNG
PAGE HERE IS HANDING ME RESULTS
HERE.
THANK YOU, SHOE SHINE BOY.
WHAT'S THE TOP ONE HERE?
ILLINOIS, WE ARE READY TO CALL
THAT JOSEPH BIDEN HAS WON EASILY
ILLINOIS.
ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL GIFT FROM THE
STATE THAT HAS GIVEN US ABRAHAM
LINCOLN, BARACK OBAMA, JACK FORD
BUT ALSO JOHN WAYNE GUYSY.
DON'T GET COCKY, ILLINOIS.
MISSOURI, MISSOURI.
I AM NOT PRETENDING THAT THIS
NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.
MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED
FOR DONALD TRUMP.
APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE
LIKES THE GUY WHOSE ENTIRE SHOW
IS ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ELSE DO I GOT HERE?
IS THIS UTAH?
UTAH HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
THIS IS INTERITSESTING.
MITT ROMNEY SAID HE DIDN'T VOTE
FOR HIM, INSTEAD FOLLOWED HIS
PASSION AND VOTED FOR UNSALTED
CRACKER.
UTAH KNOWN FOR TWO THINGS, THEIR
BREATH TAKING NATURAL SLENDER
AND THEIR INTENSE DESIRE TO
DESTROY IT.
NOW THIS ONE, THIS ONE I DID NOT
EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.
THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A
SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.
JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN
STATE CALIFORNIA.
WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW
THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY
NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS
FOR QUITE A WHILE.
SO WITH 0% REPORTING, AND THIS
IS TRUE, WITH 0% REPORTING,
BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S
CALIFORNIA AND THIS ISN'T THE
NEWS, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
IS THAT IT?
NOW CAN I MOVE ON TO THE OTHER
JOKES?
MORE JOKES OVER HERE.
HERE, HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH ELECTION
COVERAGE AND SPOILER, YOU ARE
RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THAT THE
NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A
PANEL OF EXPERTS TO HELP THEM
BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.
IN CNN'S CASE SO THE DIRECTOR
HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO WHEN
JOHN KING GETS INTO HANDSY WITH
HIS PROJECTOR.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS
QUANTITY.
BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS
THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE
WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS.
MEANING, THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE
DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING
THEN THERE ARE VOTERS IN
WYOMING.
WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE
OUTQUANTITIES BY CNN.
TONIGHT I'M PROUD TO PRESENT OUR
NEW SEGMENT, THE MOST ELECTION
NIGHT PANEL EVER.
WITH ME TONIGHT ARE SOME OF THE
MOST NAMES IN THE BIZ.
LET'S MEET THEM NOW.
MY OLD PAL JOHN DICKERSON.
> > I'M HONORED AND
CONTRACTUALLY
OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.
> > RIGHT YOU ARE.
> > HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER
PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN,
FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR.
> > ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M
MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO
SENATOR.
> > NICE TRY.
WE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A
MICHAEL BENNETT.
THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.
> > IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.
> > DON'T CALL ME, STUPID, YOU
CAJUN MALL RAT.
NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN
ON THE SLOGAN MATH.
HOW ARE THE NUMBERS LOOKING TO
BE THE?
> > THEY'RE LOOKING GREAT.
3 AND 5 ARE VISUALLY APPEALING.
11 HAS PERFECT SIMILAR MET TRY.
THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.
> > ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
> > WE HAVE NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.
> > TONIGHT I PREDICT THE
UNIVERSE WILL DIE OF HEAT DEATH
IN TEN TO THE POWER OF 100
YEARS.
> > WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT
HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT
THAT.
AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT
BE AFFECTING THE CASE, WE WANTED
A DOCTOR, DR. J.
> > I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR,
STEPHEN.
> > LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES.
WE HAVE FORMER SECRETARY OF THE
STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.
> > WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES?
> > WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU
NOW,
MADAM SECRETARY.
> > AND WE HAVE A USED SEA DOO
SALESMAN ON METH.
> > ARE YOU A COP?
> > WE'RE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY
ONE OF THE GREAT, BRIAN KRANS
TON.
> > THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO
IMPRESS.
> > ACTUALLY, BRIAN.
THIS IS AN ELECTION SPECIAL, NOT
A COOKING SHOW.
> > RIGHT.
BUT YOU CAN PREPARE THIS DISH
WAY AHEAD OF TIME BEFORE THE
PARTY, AND IT WILL BE READY BY
THE TIME YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE.
> > ALSO JOINING US, THE FLY
THAT
WAS ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD DURING
THE DEBATE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, MR.
FLY.
> > ACTUALLY, THAT FLY WAS MY
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT
GRANDFATHER.
WE HAVE VERY SHORT LIFE SPANS.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO DEPOSIT EGGS IN HIS SCALP.
> > WE'VE ALSO GOT EXPERT
ANALYSIS FROM A MEMBER OF THE WU
TANG CLAN, METHOD MAN.
> > STEPHEN, VOTER TURNOUT IS
HIGHER THAN IT'S BEEN IN DECADE.
SO AM I.
> > WE ALL HAVE TO GET THROUGH
THIS ELECTION SOMEHOW.
> > WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
TONIGHT, RU?
> > WELL, MAINE AND NEBRASKA ARE
THE ONLY TWO STATES THAT ALLOW A
SPLIT IN THEIR STATE'S ELECTORS,
SO I WANT TO CELEBRATE THEIR
DESIRE TO GO BOTH WAYS.
OKAY?
> > OKAY WITH ME.
NEXT WE HAVE AWARD WINNING ACTOR
AND AUTHOR ETHAN HAWK LIVE VIA
HIDDEN CAMERA.
> > SOMEONE LEAVE THEIR PHONE IN
HERE?
IS THIS THING ON?
> > AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BEEN
CAUGHT.
> > COLBERT, IS THAT YOU?
> > HERE TO COUNT VOTES, WE'VE
GOT THE TOOTSIE POP OWL.
HOW MANY VOTES?
> > ONE, TWO, THREE.
> > SO THREE?
> > NO, DUMMY, 270.
DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER LOLLIPOP.
> > NEXT WE HAVE ACTOR AND
ACTIVIST GEORGE TIKA.
> > PERSONALLY, I'M INTERESTED
IN
THE SWING STATES OF OHIO AND
MICHIGAN OR, AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY
THEIR POSTAL CODES, OH MI.
> > AND WE HAVE SOMEONE IN A CIA
WIG TO TALK ABOUT THE YOUTH
VOTE, FIVE TEENAGERS EITHER
NAMED JOE OR RONALD.
> > MY NAME IS DONALD.
> > CLOSE ENOUGH.
PANEL, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ABOUT THE NIGHT SO FAR?
> > WHAT?
AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S ALL WE
HAVE TIME FOR.
> > THIS HAS BEEN STEPHEN
COLBERT'S SHOWTIME ELECTION
SPECIAL PRESENTS.
> > WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE, STEPHEN.
I'VE GOT A UNIQUE HISTORICAL
PERSPEC
PERSPECTIVE.
> > OKAY.
THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL, BUT GO
AHEAD.
> > DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PEOPLE
HAVE WASTED ON HOTELS EVERY
YEAR?
THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WOULD
SAVE IF YOU HAD A TIMESHARE IN
BEAUTIFUL KEY WEST.
> > NO, DORIS.
I'M NOT BUYING A TIMESHARE FROM
YOU AGAIN.
FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?
THANK YOU TO THE WHOLE PANEL.
THAT WAS SO GOOD.
WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR
TONIGHT.
LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND
AND YOURS, MR. JOHN BAPTIST.
JOHN, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A SUIT.
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A SUIT.
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE OTHER
PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE WEARING.
> > OH, REALLY?
I'M GETTING JOY FROM EVY.
THE LAUGH IS REALLY INFECTIOUS.
> > YES.
SHE'S MY LIFEBOAT.
JOHN, HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
> > I THINK TODAY SHOULD BE A
NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
THAT'S WHY I GOT MY SUIT ON.
IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.
I WAS PLAYING FOR THE PEOPLE IN
PHILLY, AND I'M JUST -- I'M
HOPING FOR THE BEST, AND I
BELIEVE WE WILL GET IT.
> > HOW LONG WERE YOU OUT THERE
PLAYING?
> > OH, I WAS OUT THERE PLAYING
FOR A GOOD TWO HOURS, AND WE
BROUGHT JOY TO THE POLLS, AND
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO CONTINUE
TO BRING THROUGHOUT THE REST OF
THIS SEASON AS WE GET A NEW
ADMINISTRATION, HOPEFULLY, AND
THAT'S WHAT WE DOING.
> > WERE THERE LONG LINES?
DID YOU SEE A LOT OF PEOPLE DOWN
THERE?
> > YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T AS LONG
AS I WAS HOPING IT WOULD BE.
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE VOTED EARLY.
> > YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING
TO GO WITH, TOO.
I'M GOING TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE
VOTED EARLY.
DO WE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
PENNSYLVANIA.
PENNSYLVANIA HAS NOT BEEN CALLED
SO YOU MIGHT HAVE PUSHED IT OVER
THE TOP WITH PIANO.
WE'RE GOING TO BREAK INTO CBS
NEWS.
WOULD YOU GIVE ME 15 SECONDS OF
JOY?
> > OH, I GOT YOU.
> > THANK YOU, JOHN.
JOHN BAPTIST, EVERYBODY.
AND ARE WE THERE?
ARE WE READY TO GO?
I'M BEING TOLD IT IS TIME TO
CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIENDS OVER
AT CBS NEWS.
WE'RE ON SHOWTIME RIGHT NOW, BUT
THEY HAVE MY OLD TIME SLOT FOR
THE NIGHT.
LET'S SEE HOW IT'S GOING.
JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM US,
ARE WE READY TO ROLL AT THIS
POINT?
WE'RE TEN SECONDS AWAY.
WHAT?
KANSAS WENT TO TRUMP.
SUCK ON THAT FOR TEN SECONDS.
> > 2020 AMERICA DECIDES.
WE ARE WATCHING IT ALL UNFOLD
HERE AT CBS NEWS ELECTION
HEADQUARTERS IN TIME SQUARE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BIG MAP
TO SEE WHERE WE STAND AT THIS
HOUR.
MANY OF THE BATTLEGROUND STATES
ARE STILL TOSS-UPS.
CBS NEWS CHARACTERIZES FLORIDA
AS LEANING TOWARD PRESIDENT
TRUMP.
IN THE ELECTORAL VOTE JOE BIDEN
LEADS 168-111.
AND ARIZONA AT THIS HOUR LEANS
TOWARDS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT
JOE BIDEN.
WE KNOW THE WORLD IS WATCHING
TONIGHT AND STEPHEN COLBERT IS
HARD AT WORK WITH A LIVE SHOW ON
OUR SISTER NETWORK SHOWTIME.
> > I JUST LOST HER.
> > WHOA, WHOA.
HI!
HI, STEPHEN.
HOW ARE YOU?
THERE HE IS.
> > SORRY.
I LOST YOU FOR A SECOND THERE.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
> > WELL, LOOK --
> > HEY, THERE YOU ARE.
> > HEY!
> > HEY!
> > HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.
> > WE'RE ACTUALLY SO CLOSE IN
MANHAT
MANHATTAN, WE SHOULD JUST OPEN
UP THE WINDOWS AND SHOUT AT EACH
OTHER.
> > OVER THE SIRENS.
HOW ARE YOU?
> > I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD TO CHECK IN
WITH SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS
SOMETHING.
I'M SEALED OVER AT THE OFFICES
OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AND
WE'RE MAKING UP WHAT WE KNOW.
ALL OF OUR INFORMATION JUST
COMES FROM YOU.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
> > WELL, JOHN DICKERSON IS
HERE,
AND WE'VE GOT OUR NOTABLE NINE
STATES THAT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING
IN THE BATTLEGROUND STATES.
JUST TWO OF THEM WE'VE GOT
LEANING A CERTAIN WAY, RIGHT?
FLORIDA WE'VE GOT LEANING
TOWARDS TRUMP.
AND ARIZONA LEANING TOWARDS
BIDEN.
> > JOE BIDEN.
> > THAT'S RIGHT.
SO FLORIDA LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING
HIS WAY.
NORTH CAROLINA AND GEORGIA,
WHICH WERE AT THE EDGE OF
DEMOCRATIC DREAMS.
THEY HAD FANTASIES ABOUT PICKING
UP ONE OF THOSE TWO STATES.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING
THAT WAY FOR JOE BIDEN.
THE OTHER ROUTE FOR JOE BIDEN TO
TAKE STATES AWAY FROM DONALD
TRUMP IS TO GO UP THROUGH THE
MIDWEST.
THE CHALLENGE OF THE MIDWEST AND
BASICALLY THE NIGHT HAS BEEN
BETWEEN EARLY VOTE AND WHO
SHOWED UP ON ELECTION DAY.
THE BIDEN FORCES VOTED EARLY.
THE TRUMP FORCES HAVE SHOWN UP
ON ELECTION DAY.
MIDWEST, THAT'S PART OF THE
STORY, BUT THE OTHER PART OF THE
STORY IS IT'S GOING TO TAKE THEM
A LONG TIME TO COUNT THE VOTES.
> > CAN WE SAY THIS?
WHEN THE EVENING STARTED, WE
STARTED AT 7:00 EASTERN TIME AND
BOTH CANDIDATES WERE VERY
CONFIDENT THEY WERE GOING TO
WIN.
AS WE SIT HERE TONIGHT, THEY'RE
STILL VERY CONFIDENT THAT
THEY'RE GOING TO WIN.
> > SOMETHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED
FROM THE LAST TIME TO THIS TIME.
FOUR YEARS AGO, WE'RE DOWN TO
THOSE IN MIDWEST EARN INDUSTRIAL
DATES AGAIN, JOHN.
IS THAT THE CASE?
> > NORA MENTIONED THIS, THAT WE
HAVE ARIZONA AS LEANING TOWARD
JOE BIDEN, SO THAT WOULD BE A
BIG DEAL FOR A COUPLE OF
REASONS.
ONE, IT IS FROM THAT LIST OF
STATES DONALD TRUMP WON IN 2016
AND DEMOCRATS HOPE THAT THAT IS
PART OF THE STORY IN STATES LIKE
ARIZONA AND MAYBE OTHER PIECES.
THAT'S THE BRIGHT PIECE OF NEWS
FOR DEMOCRATS SO FAR TONIGHT.
> > JUST TO POINT THAT OUT, WHY
ARIZONA IS SO IMPORTANT IF IN
FACT BIDEN CARRIES THAT STATE,
IT IS ONE OF THEIR KEY PATHWAYS
TO THE PRESIDENCY.
THEY WANT TO WIN ARIZONA,
MICHIGAN AND WISCONSIN, AND THEY
COULD WIN WITHOUT PENNSYLVANIA
AND FLORIDA IN THAT PARTICULAR
SCENARIO.
SO ARIZONA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SORT
OF, I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT A
SAFETY, AN EXTRA IF THEY DID NOT
WIN PENN PN AND FLORIDA.
BUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
HERE IS WHETHER WE'LL BE ABLE TO
CHARACTERIZE WHO MAY WIN IF THIS
GOES DOWN TO THE UPPER MIDWEST.
AS YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING TO TAKE
A WHILE TO COUNT THE VOTES
THERE.
> > WAIT.
DID I HEAR THIS RIGHT, THAT IT'S
POSSIBLE THAT JOE BIDEN WOULD
NOT WIN HIS HOME STATE OF
PENNSYLVANIA?
> > WE DON'T KNOW THAT YET.
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
MARGARET BRENNAN WAS SAYING
EARLIER THEY STARTED THE VOTE
COUNTING AGAIN IN PHILADELPHIA.
THEY PAUSED IT FOR A LITTLE
WHILE.
IT WAS A LABOR ISSUE.
BUT HE DOES HAVE A SCENARIO
WHERE JOE BIDEN COULD WIN THE
PRESIDENCY WITHOUT PENNSYLVANIA
OR FLORIDA.
> > BUT IT WOULD STING.
IT WOULD STING.
IT WOULD BE LIKE YOUR MOM SAYING
YOU LOOK FUNNY.
> > WELL AS SOMEONE WHOSE MOM
SAID THAT TO THEM ALL THE TIME,
JOE BIDEN 99% OF THE VOTE IN, IT
LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT IT BY NINE
POINTS, WHICH BEATS HILLARY
CLINTON IN THAT SMALL COUNTY.
AT LEAST IN THAT REGARD, HE CAN
FEEL LIKE HE WON.
> > IT'S LIKE YOUR MOM SAYING,
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LIKED YOU.
I ALWAYS LIKED YOUR BROTHER
BETTER.
> > JOHN, DID YOUR MOM EVER SAY
THAT TO YOU?
I HAVE A VERY CHARMING BROTHER.
> > GALE, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE UP
FOR CTM.
> > I KNOW.
THIS IS ME ON DRUGS.
> > THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME
TO BOW OUT.
> > AND MY DRUGS I MEAN WATER.
BUT, NO, WE WANT TO STAY HERE
FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.
YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE AND
LEAVE AS THEY'RE SAYING, WE'RE
GOING TO KNOW SOMETHING.
BUT IN ALL HONESTY, IT DOESN'T
KNOW LIKE WE'RE GOING TO KNOW
ANYTHING FOR SURE THIS EVENING.
> > THAT'S A CBS NEWS PROMISE.
WE WON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
STICK AROUND.
THANKS SO MUCH, YOU GUYS!
THANKS FOR ADDING LEGITIMACY TO
MY NIGHT.
> > TAKE THAT BACK!
> > THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
WE APPRECIATE IT.
> > WE USED TO LIKE YOU.
> > THANK YOU, GALE.
THANK YOU, NORA.
JOHN.
> > JOHN.
> > THERE YOU GO.
NICE PEOPLE.
THEY'RE SUCH NICE PEOPLE.
AM I STILL OVER HERE, OR AM I
OVER HERE NOW?
WHAT AM I DOING?
AM I DOING MORE OF THESE OR AM I
MOVING ON TO SOMETHING ELSE?
DOING THE SENATE.
OH, THIS IS BIG.
ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE SENATE.
TAKE A SWIG OF WINE.
THEY GAVE HER SOME WINE.
HOLD IT IN YOUR HAND.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO
READ, SO I WANT YOU TO BE WELL
GUARDED.
OKAY?
I'M WEARING A CUP.
OKAY.
OF COURSE TONIGHT THERE ARE ALSO
SOME NON-TRUMP STAKES.
AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE
HAVING STEAK, MAKE IT A NONTRUMP
STEAKS.
ONE OF THE STAKES IS BALANCE OF
CONTROL OF THE ELECTION.
THE DEMOCRATS HOLD 47 SEATS.
THE DEMOCRATS NEED TO PICK UP 4
SEATS TO TAKE CONTROL.
SO LOOKING OVER AT THE UNITED
STATES SENATE AT THIS HOUR, IT
REMAINS A BUILDING IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.
AS FOR WHO IS GOING TO BE
WORKING INSIDE THAT BUILDING
NEXT YEAR, DO WE ACTUALLY HAVE
THE INFORMATION OR IS IT ALL
JUST PREAMBLE?
NEW HAMPSHIRE HAS DEFEATED THE
REPUBLICAN.
AND THE 231 YEAR STREAK OF NO
CORKYS IN CONGRESS CONTINUES.
THE MASSACHUSETTS SENATE RACE
HAS BEEN CALLED FOR SENATOR ED
MARKEY, WHO IS THE INCUMBENT AND
CO-AUTHOR OF THE NEW GREEN DEAL.
IT IS FITTING THAT MASSACHUSETTS
HAS DECIDED TO REUSE HIM.
OKLAHOMA SENATE RACE HAS BEEN
CALLED FOR GOP INCUMBENT AND
GLOBAL WARMING DENIER JIM INHOFF
WHO WAS HEAVILY FAVORED TO HIM.
HE WASN'T SUITING THE OUTCOME.
HE WAS SWEATING BECAUSE EVERY
YEAR IT'S WARMER THAN THE
PREVIOUS ONE.
IN THE SENATE RACE FOR THE
TENNESSEE SENATE SEAT HELD TO
REPLACE THE RETIRING LA RAR
ALEXANDER, BILL HAGGERTY HAS
DEFEATED BRADSHAW WHO HAD THE
ENDORSEMENT OF JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.
NOW THAT SHE'S DEFEATED, SHE
WILL BE STUFFED IN A SHOPPING
CART AND ROLLED THROUGH A CAR
WASH.
SHELLY MOORE HAS DEFEATED PAULA
JEAN SWEARINGIN WHO WON'T BE
SWEARING IN.
AND THIS IS A BIG ONE.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL BIG ONE WITH A
GREEN CHECK NEXT TO IT, RIGHT?
OUT IN COLORADO, SENATOR COREY
GARDENER HAS LOST TO DEMOCRATIC
CHALLENGER JOHN HECKENLOOPER.
HE WAS IS MAYOR OF DENVER
COLORADO, FOUNDER OF THE THE
FIRST BREW CUP AND CREATOR AND
STAR OF THE SHOW HECKENLOOPER.
IN ALABAMA, REPUBLICAN TOM MI
TY THE
UPP
UPP
UPPERVILLE HAS UNSEATED DOUG
JONES.
DOUG JONES LOST TO TOMMY
TUBERVILLE.
DO I SWITCH CAMERAS?
DO I STAY HERE.
I STAY RIGHT HERE AND WE JUST
DRIVE THE TRAIN, RIGHT?
JUST KEEP DRIVING THE TRAIN.
SPEAKING OF KNOWING THINGS, I'VE
PUT MY PHONE ON MUTE SO I DON'T
KNOW THINGS.
THE ONE THING WE DO KNOW IS THAT
DONALD TRUMP IS DEFINITELY GOING
TO LOSE BLACK VOTERS TONIGHT.
HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS ON WHY IT
I
IS.
> > WHAT'S HAPPENING?
> > NOT MUCH.
ELECTION.
YOU ARE NO STRANGER TO ELECTION
NIGHT SPECIALS.
IN 2016 YOU WERE ON THIS SHOW
WHEN TRUMP WON.
AND YOU SAID THIS.
> > CONGRATULATIONS, AMERICA.
YOU FUCKED THIS ONE UP.
> > SOMEBODY WAS RIGHT.
THAT WAS ME.
> > THAT WAS TRUE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
THERE ARE NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS
HERE SO WHILE I GO CHECK OUT
WHAT NEXT IS COMING DOWN THE
PIPE FOR THE ELECTION, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT THAT FUCK UP FROM FOUR
YEARS AGO MEANT FOR ALL OF US,
AND I'LL BE BACK IN JUST A
MINUTE.
IT'S YOURS, BUDDY.
> > THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
GOT TO MAKE SURE HE'S REALLY
DONE, THOUGH.
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS!
OH, YEAH.
HE'S REALLY GONE.
HELLO, AMERICA.
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST
TIME?
LET ME REMIND YOU HOW TRUMP SOLD
HIMSELF TO BLACK VOTERS IN 2016.
PAY ATTENTION, PLEASE.
> > WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO
LOSE?
TO THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
COMMUNITY, I SAY, WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
VOTE FOR ME.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO
LOSE?
> > WELL, IT TURNS OUT A LOT.
OKAY?
IN FACT, I MADE A LIST.
> > LIST OF THINGS WE HAD TO
LOSE.
> > NUMBER ONE, VOTING RIGHTS.
I'M TALKING VOTER ID LAWS,
PERJING VOTER ROLLS, LONG LINES
AND PREDOMINANTLY BLACK
DISTRICTS IN GEORGIA SOME VOTERS
EXPERIENCED WAIT TIMES OF UP TO
FIVE HOURS.
MEANWHILE, FOR ONE WHITE LADY,
THEY PUT A BALLOT BOX ON THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.
AT THIS POINT, YOU COULD GO BACK
TO SCHOOL, GET A DEGREE, GO
THROUGH ASTRONAUT TRAINING AND
STILL VOTE FASTER THAN A BROTHER
IN MA CON.
TRUMP HAS BEEN EVERYTHING HE CAN
TO UNDERMINE THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT.
OF COURSE HE DISLIKES OBAMACARE.
IT IS A COMBO OF THE TWO THINGS
HE HATES THE MOST: OBAMA AND
CARING.
NUMBER THREE, CHADWICK BOSEMAN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M BLAMING TRUMP FOR THAT.
HE COULD TAKE THE BLAME FOR THE
DEATH OF THE BLACK PANTHER.
ALSO, I'M HOLDING HIM PERSONALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOSS OF
ARETHA FRANKLIN AND KANYE WEST.
I MEAN, KANYE DIDN'T DIE, BUT HE
IS CERTAINLY LOST.
SPEAKING OF DYING, ANOTHER THING
WE LOST, OUR FUCKING LIVES.
THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC GOING
ON.
FUN FACT, BLACK PEOPLE ARE
DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTED BY
CORONAVIRUS.
THIS IS SO TYPICAL.
WHEN AMERICA GETS A COLD, BLACK
PEOPLE GET CORONAVIRUS, THEN
AMERICA TAKES AWAY THEIR HEALTH
INSURANCE.
YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?
ME.
IT WAS ME.
ALL RIGHT.
A BLACK PERSON CAN'T QUOTE
THEMSELVES.
TELL ME WHAT ELSE AM I NOT
ALLOWED TO DO, YOU RACIST.
NUMBER TEN, MOVIES.
UNDER TRUMP, THEY GAVE THE OSCAR
TO "GREEN BOOK."
DO YOU KNOW HOW BLACK PEOPLE
FELT ABOUT GREEN BOOK?
ME NEITHER.
WE DIDN'T WATCH.
BUT IT IS NO SURPRISE.
AMERICA HAS ALWAYS IGNORED BLACK
PEOPLE IN FAVOR OF GREEN.
AND FINALLY, NUMBER 11, MY TIME.
SEE, I SUPPORT BLACK LIVES
MATTER.
BUT ALL THAT MARCHING TAKES
TIME.
ONCE WE'RE FINISHING CONVINCING
WHITE AMERICA WE ARE INDEED
HUMAN BEINGS, IT WOULD BE NICE
TO DO THINGS HUMAN BEINGS ENJOY
LIKE JOGGING, THROWING A
BARBECUE OR GOING BIRD WATCHING
WITHOUT SOME NUT ASS KAREN
CALLING THE COPS.
> > LIST OF THINGS WE STILL HAVE
TO LOSE.
NUMBER ONE, ALL THE SHITI JUST
SAID BECAUSE AS BAD AS IT IS, IT
CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE.
TRUMP APPOINTED THREE SUPREME
COURT JUSTICES.
AND THE REPUBLICANS JUST GOT THE
LAST INFINITY STONE THEY NEED TO
TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING WE FOUGHT
WAR.
WE'RE ONE STEP AWAY FROM GREEN
BOOK 2.
TOO GREEN, TOO BOOK.
SPORTS.
DO YOU THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO
STOP AT KAEPERNICK?
IN FOUR YEARS, IT WILL BE A CAME
OF HORSE BETWEEN J.J. REDDICK
AND LUKA DONCIC.
THIS ONE ISN'T SOMETHING THAT
BLACK PEOPLE HAVE TO LOSE, IT IS
SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE TO LOSE.
OUR SOUL.
BLACK PEOPLE HAVE LONG BEEN THE
SOUL OF THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE WE
HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE
OF EQUALITY AND JUSTICE THAT
AMERICA PROVIDES.
JUST LIKE A BELIEF IN A HIGHER
POWER, FOR BLACK PEOPLE,
AMERICA'S PROMISE IS SOMETHING
THAT IS NOT VISIBLE, BUT WE HAVE
FAITH IN THAT PROMISE.
AND THAT FAITH IS A MOTTO FOR
ALL AMERICANS.
SO WE WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT AND
DEMAND TO BE TREATED EQUALLY IN
THIS COUNTRY, BUT WE CAN'T DO IT
FOREVER.
AND IF AMERICA LOSES ITS SOUL,
LORD HAVE MERCY, IT'S GAME OVER.
THE LAND WILL STILL EXIST, BUT
THE NOBLE HUMAN EXPERIENCE,
THAT'S A WRAP.
BUT I'M SURE IT WILL BE HEALED
BY THE RELEASE OF "GREEN BOOK
3."
TRUST ME, IT CAN AND SHOULD NOT
HAPPEN.
OKAY.
I'M BACK.
I DIDN'T CATCH ALL OF YOUR
PIECE, BUT DID YOU SAY THERE IS
A NEW "GREEN BOOK"?
I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
> > THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,
STEPHEN.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
> > SEE YOU A LITTLE BIT LATER.
ARE WE READY TO GO ON?
WHAT ARE WE DOING NOW?
IS THIS ELECTROMAP?
WE'RE DOING THE CIRCUS FIRST.
I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THAT
BEFORE.
YES.
DON'T SAY THE WORD VAMP.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE A
PLAN.
JOINING -- WE DON'T HAVE PLAN,
BUT DON'T SAY IT.
WE'RE PROFESSIONALS, GODDAMNIT.
JOINING ME BACK TO THE LATE
SHOW, MARK McKINNON AND JOHN
HILEMAN.
I REALIZE WE REALLY JUST BOOKED
YOUR HAT.
OH, LADY AND GENTLEMEN, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
WELCOME BACK.
GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU AGAIN.
YOU WERE HERE IN 2016 WHEN THIS
WHOLE DIRTY, DIRTY BUSINESS
STARTED.
ARE YOU HAVING ANY FLASH BACKS?
> > WHEN YOU'RE SAYING I WAS
HERE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN EXACTLY
BY HERE?
> > YOU WERE ON OUR SHOWTIME
SPECIAL.
WE'RE ALL ON TV RIGHT NOW ON
SHOWTIME.
> > WE ARE.
THIS FEELS LIKE SOME VIRTUALLY
SPACE.
I FELT LIKE I WAS PHYSICALLY IN
YOUR PRESENCE ON ELECTION NIGHT.
> > I HAD AN OUT OF BODY
EXPERIENCE ON ELECTION NIGHT.
I WASN'T IN MY OWN PRESENCE ON
ELECTION NIGHT FOUR YEARS AGO.
> > I RECALL THAT.
YOU DID NOT HAVE FUN ON THAT
NIGHT.
> > AND YOU KICKING UP YOUR
HEELS
AND WHISTLING A HAPPY TUNE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
> > I WOULD SAY THAT FLASH BACKS
ARE NOT AN UNCOMMON OCCURRENCE
FOR ME IN GENERAL, BUT THE
FLASHBACKS I HAVE FROM THAT
NIGHT ARE PARTICULARLY
UNPLEASANT.
> > WHERE ARE YOU ALL RIGHT NOW
IN THE WORLD.
IS THIS LIKE THE STATE OF THE
UNION, YOU HAVE TO BE IN
DIFFERENT LOCATIONS TO KEEP THE
CHAIN OF CIRCUIT COMMAND GOING
IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS.
> > BECAUSE OF COVID, WE HAVE
ACTUALLY NEVER EVEN SEEN EACH
OTHER DURING THIS WHOLE RUN, BUT
ALSO WE WANT TO COVER THE
COUNTRY, AND WE HAVE 13
DIFFERENT PLACES RIGHT NOW.
I'M IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
ALEX, WHERE ARE YOU?
> > I'M CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED
TO BE IN HELL.
I'M ACTUALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA,
WHICH IS ONE OF THE SWINGIEST
PARTS OF A VERY SWING STATE THAT
EVERYBODY IS OBSESSED WITH, AND
IT LOOKS LIKE I WILL BE HERE
UNTIL 2021.
> > ALEX THINKS SHE'S IN HELL.
I'M IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA,
MAN.
YOU ARE IN LIKE PARADISE
COMPARED TO ME, WAGNER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU ARE NUTS.
> > HE DOESN'T GET TO LEAVE AND
THERE IS HUMIDITY.
I THINK HE WINS THIS CONTEST.
> > CORRECT.
> > LET ME ASK YOU.
100 MILLION VOTES WERE CAST
BEFORE WE EVEN OPENED THE POLLS
OKAY.
WHO CAN YOU TELL SO FAR
BENEFITTED FROM THAT?
THEY SAID BIDEN, BUT IS THAT
PLAYING OUT?
> > I THINK SO.
I MEAN, I THINK WHEN WE HAVE --
IN STATES WHERE YOU ARE ALLOWED
TO TOUCH THOSE MAIL-IN BALLOTS
AND OPEN THEM AND TABULATE THEM
BEFORE ELECTION DAY, THE EARLY
VOTES ARE SWINGING TOWARDS
BIDEN.
IN MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN AND
PENNSYLVANIA, IT'S GOING TO BE
SLOW DOING AND WE'RE NOT GOING
TO KNOW EXACTLY, BUT THE
EXPECTATION IS THAT IT'S GOING
TO BENEFIT BIDEN.
> > MARK, DOES THIS FEEL ANY
DIFFERENT TO YOU THIS TIME
AROUND?
IT FEELS A LITTLE DIFFERENT TO
ME BECAUSE LAST TIME I HAD AN
AUDIENCE AND I WASN'T
BROADCASTING FROM A STORAGE ROOM
PRETENDING IT WAS AN OFFICE.
WHAT FEELS DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU,
ABOUT THIS TO YOU?
> > I'LL TELL YOU, WHAT'S
STRANGE
TO ME IS HOW MUCH IT FEELS LIKE
2016 ALL OF A SUDDEN.
I THINK FOR A WHILE -- I THINK
FOR A WHILE PEOPLE GOT
DISTRACTED FROM WHAT'S REALLY
GOING ON HERE.
A YEAR AGO WHEN DEMOCRATS WERE
STRIKE THAT
SAYING WHAT THEY NEEDED TO DO,
THEY NEEDED TO WIN BACK THE BLUE
WALL PERIOD.
SUDDENLY PEOPLE STARTED TALKING
ABOUT GEORGIA AND NORTH CAROLINA
AND FLORIDA.
IT WAS ALL THE FEVER DREAM, AND
IT'S COMING BACK TO EXACTLY WHAT
WE -- YOU KNOW, WHAT PEOPLE
THOUGHT A YEAR AGO, WHICH IS
IT'S GOING TO COME DOWN TO WHERE
ALEX IS AND WISCONSIN AND
MICHIGAN AND MAYBE ARIZONA.
> > ISN'T THAT -- ISN'T THAT WHY
THE DEMOCRATS WENT WITH JOE
BIDEN, REALLY, IS BECAUSE HE IS
THAT RUST BELT GUY?
> > YEAH.
HE'S SCRANTON JOE.
HE STARTED HIS CAMPAIGN IN
PITTSBURGH.
HE ENDED IT IN PITTSBURGH.
THIS IS THE SORT OF DNA OF
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN.
THIS IS WHY HE'S AT THE TOP OF
THE TICKET AND NOW WE ARE SEEING
IT BEING BORN OUT IN THE
ELECTION ITSELF.
> > JOHN, YOU WERE ON THE SHOW
BEING INTERVIEWED BY ME WHEN
FLORIDA WAS CALLED FOUR YEARS
AGO.
THAT WAS A REMARKABLE -- THAT
WAS A REMARKABLE MOMENT.
> > YES.
> > WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
DOWN THERE?
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE THIS TIME?
FOUR YEARS LATER, WITH
EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED, THE
LAST THING I SAW THAT TRUMP WAS
LEADING BY MORE THAN HE WON LAST
TIME.
> > YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, STEPHEN,
FLORIDA IS GONNA FLORIDA.
THAT'S THE THING.
IT'S A MESS DOWN HERE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I'M IN PINELAS
COUNTY.
THIS COUNTY THAT WHOEVER WINS
THIS COUNTRY, A LOT OF SENIOR
CITIZENS HERE, INDEPENDENT
SENIOR CITIZENS.
THEY GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN
THE PARTIES, WHOEVER WINS THIS
COUNTY WINS FLORIDA.
THAT'S HISTORICALLY BEEN TRUE
THROUGHOUT OUR LIFETIME WITH THE
EXCEPTION OF AL GORE.
ALTHOUGH SOME ARGUE THAT WAS
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE THAT
WON PINELAS COUNTY AND WON
FLORIDA.
JOE BIDEN WON PINELAS COUNTY AND
THEN DONALD TRUMP CRUSHED HIM IN
THE REST OF THE STATE.
FOR THE SIX CORE BATTLEGROUND
STATES THAT BOTH CAMPAIGNS
FOUGHT IN FOR A YEAR, THIS WAS
THE ONE THAT PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT
TRUMP HAD THE ENGINE MOSTLY OF
THE CORE SIX.
THIS IS THE ONE THAT WAS
CONSIDERED STRONGEST FOR TRUMP.
IT IS HIS ADOPTIVE HOME.
PEOPLE WERE MORE SURPRISED IN
2016, PEOPLE WERE GENERALLY MORE
SURPRISED THAT TRUMP COULD BE
PRESIDENT IN 2016 AND FLORIDA
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLACE THAT
HILLARY CLINTON HAD LOCKED UP.
SO WE WERE ALL STUNNED ON THE
AIR WITH YOU NIGHT.
I REMEMBER YOUR AUDIENCE CRY IN.
BUT THIS TIME AROUND I THINK A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAD THE
EXPECTATION THAT THIS WAS A
PLACE TRUMP WOULD WIN, SO IT
CAME AS LESS OF A SURPRISE TO
PEOPLE TONIGHT THAT TRUMP IS
GOING TO WIN HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A
CARPET BAGGER HERE, RIGHT.
HE'S GOT A COUPLE GOLF COURSES
HERE.
PEOPLE LIKE HIM.
> > BUT HE CRUSHED IN MIAMI
DADE.
CUBAN AMERICANS, VENEZUELANS.
MAN, BIDEN IS A SOCIALIST
MESSAGE REALLY, REALLY PUNCHED
HIS LIGHTS OUT.
> > YES.
IT IS SURPRISING IN THE SENSE
THAT ONE OF THE STRENGTHS WAS
SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN, AND I
HAVEN'T SEEN ALL THE DEMOGRAPHIC
DATA, BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO
HAVE BEEN REPERFORMED BETTER
WITH SENIOR CITIZENS THAN TRUMP.
HE'S PERFORMED PRETTY WELL WITH
SENIORS HERE.
BUT TO MARK'S POINT WHAT TRUMP
HAS DONE IN FLORIDA IS USE THAT
SOCIALISM MESSAGE AND SOME OF
THE LAW AND ORDER STUFF TO
PENETRATE WITH THE LATINO VOTE
TO A POINT A LOT OF LIBERALS
COULD UNDERSTAND.
> > ALEX, I WANT TO -- YOU'RE IN
PENNSYLVANIA.
AS YOU SAID, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
THERE UNTIL THE SUNBURNS OUT TO
A CINDER.
AND EXPLAIN TO ME AND THE
AUDIENCE WHY THAT IS.
WHAT IS DIFFICULT ABOUT COUNTING
THE VOTES IN PENNSYLVANIA?
WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH TERRIBLE
RECOUNTS IN THE PATHS.
WHAT IS THE ORDER IN WHICH THESE
VOTES WILL BE TALLIED?
IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
> > YEAH.
WELL, SO, THEY HAVE A DEMOCRATIC
GOVERNOR AND A REPUBLICAN STATE
LEGISLATURE.
AND IT BASICALLY ENSURED THAT
MAIL-IN BALLOTS CANNOT BE
TOUCHED BEFORE ELECTION DAY.
THEY COULD OPEN THEM AT 7:00
P.
A.M., BUT THEY COULDN'T START
COUNTING THEM UNTIL THE POLLS
CLOSED.
IT'S ROOMS OF PEOPLE OPENING UP
ENVELOPES, UNFOLDING THE BALLOTS
AND COUNTING THEM.
AS OF RIGHT NOW, AS OF THIS
HOUR, THEY HAD OPENED ABOUT HALF
OF THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS THEY HAD
RECEIVED AND COUNTED ABOUT
ONE-EIGHTHS OF THEM.
THEY THINK IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL
DAYS.
AND THAT'S WORKING VERY FAST.
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
WORKING FAST, EATING COOKIES,
ANYTHING TO FUEL THEM THROUGH
THE PROCESS.
> > ARE THOSE MAIL-INS EXPECTED
TO GO TRUMP'S WAY OR BIDEN'S
WAY?
> > BIDEN'S WAY.
> > BIDEN'S WAY, OKAY.
> > BROADLY IS THAT THE MAIL-IN
BALLOTS FAVOR DEMOCRATS.
SO ONE OF THE REASONS EVERYBODY
NEEDS TO SIMMER DOWN AND HOLD ON
IS BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF
MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN WISCONSIN,
MICHIGAN AND PENNSYLVANIA.
MORE IN MICHIGAN THAN ANYWHERE
ELSE.
PENNSYLVANIA IS ABOUT 45%, 40%
OF THE STATE IS MAIL-IN BALLOTS
AND IT WILL TAKE TIME TO COUNT
THEM AND NONE OF THOSE BALLOTS
COULD HAVE BEEN COUNTED BEFORE
ELECTION DAY.
NOW THAT WE'RE DOWN TO THOSE
THREE DASTATES, WE HAVE TO WAIT
> > NOT CLEAR THAT DONALD TRUMP
IS GOING TO WAIT, THOUGH.
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
154.
WE HAVEN'T HAD TRUMP MAKE A
SPEECH YET CLAIMING VICTORY.
> > WE PROMISED THAT IF EITHER
CANDIDATES GIVE A SPEECH, WE
WILL NOT GO TO IT.
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET?
> > SOUND EDITORIAL JUDGMENT.
> > WHAT ABOUT THE SENATE?
DO THE DEMOCRATS STILL HAVE A
SHOT AT FLIPPING THAT?
LET'S SAY BIDEN WINS.
DO THEY GET THOSE THREE SEATS
THEY NEED?
> > COME ON.
GROW A PAIR.
YOU'RE NOT SWORN IN.
> > WELL, RIGHT NOW IT'S NETSO
ZERO.
WE DON'T KNOW.
> > WHEN DO YOU THINK WE WILL
KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS?
> > THURSDAY.
> > THERE IT IS.
IT'S THURSDAY, EVERYBODY.
THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PHONE
CALL WILLING TO TAKE A STAND.
> > I WILL SAY TO YOUR POINT
THAT
IT LOOKS INCREASINGLY LIKE
REPUBLICANS MAY HOLD THE SENATE.
> > ALL RIGHT.
THERE IT IS.
WELL, ALEX WAGNER, JOHN AND
MARK, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AN HONOR TO SHARE THE SHOWTIME
WITH YOU AGAIN.
STAY SAFE.
STAY STERILE.
> > AS SOON AS NIGERIA COMES IN,
WE'LL HAVE A FINAL COUNT.
> > THAT WAS A GREAT PARADE
MONDAY.
THAT WAS A GREAT RALLY.
BYE, GUYS!
LET'S PUT UP THE ELECTORAL MAP
AND BREAK THIS DOWN.
SO THIS IS THE ELECTORAL MAP.
CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THIS?
CAN WE ROBO OVER?
THIS IS THE ELECTORAL MAP RIGHT
NOW.
AT FIRST FLUSH IT LOOKS A LOT
LIKE A MAP BECAUSE TECHNICALLY
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
THEY MOVED IT TO ARIZONA.
I WAS AGAINST IT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT NEBRASKA.
SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH
NEBRASKA SECOND.
LET ME JUST -- THAT'S BROKEN.
THAT'S BROKEN.
LET'S MOVE ON.
ANYWAY, THAT'S A MAP.
THAT'S WHAT MAPS LOOK LIKE, IN
CASE YOU ARE WONDERING.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
ARE WE READY TO GO?
I WANT TO WARN OUR AFFILIATES
WE'RE GOING TO GO LONG.
LET'S FIND OUT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE,
HONEY?
YOU DON'T HAVE AN EAR PIECE.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR WHAT THE GUYS ON
"THE CIRCUS" HAD TO STAY.
HELLO, YOU THREE BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE.
HOW ARE YOU?
> > ASK ME THAT IN THE MORNING.
> > YOU GUYS, I'M VERY HAPPY
THAT
YOU ARE HERE, BUT I HAVE TO TALK
WITH THESE GUYS FOR A SECOND
BECAUSE THEY WERE HERE FOUR
YEARS AGO.
HOW DOES THIS FEEL COMPARED TO
FOUR YEARS AGO?
HOW WOULD YOU STACK IT UP?
> > I HAVE AGED MANY DECADES IN
THE PAST FOUR YEARS, SO I'M
TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC.
TONIGHT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE IT IS
A BIG NIGHT FOR WOMAN WHO HAVE
ENTERED POLITICS.
IT'S ALSO THE ONLY NIGHT WE GET
TO SEE TRUMP CARE ABOUT MORE
THAN ONE RACE.
LOTS OF POSITIVES TONIGHT.
> > DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A
COCKTAIL?
DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO DRINK TONIGHT?
> > I'VE GOTTA TEQUILA BECAUSE
AFTER THIS ELECTION I'M GOING TO
LOSE A LOT OF AMIGOS.
> > I'VE GOT A MOSCOW MULE AND
DOUBLE FISTING.
I'VE GOT A WEIRD SCREWDRIVER.
JUST THE COLOR OF TRUMP'S FACE
MIXED WITH VODKA.
> > CAN YOU MAKE ME A VIRGIN
JUST
NEAT.
DON'T DROWN IT.
ON ELECTION NIGHT IN 2016, YOU
SAID IF DONALD TRUMP BECOMES
PRESIDENT, THERE WILL BE A LOT
MORE RACISM, SEXISM, CLASSISM.
HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE
RIGHT?
> > I'M NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
I FIND IT FASCINATING THAT
DONALD TRUMP WAS LITERALLY AS
BAD AS EVERYBODY SAID HE WOULD
BE.
THERE IS ONE OTHER PERSON THAT
EXCEEDED OTHER EXPECTATIONS
PEOPLE HAD OF HIM.
AND THAT WAS LeBRON JAMES.
WE ARE ALL WITNESSES.
YET, THIS ELECTION IS STILL
CLOSE TONIGHT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
> > I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU MIGHT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE A POLL
WATCHER TODAY.
GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S A LOVELY THING TO HAVE
DONE.
> > I CAME FROM CALIFORNIA TO
NEVADA TO BE A POLL WATCHER WITH
THE NEVADA DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
AND IN THE TRAINING THEY SAID BE
ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ANY
REPUBLICANS WHO MIGHT SHOW UP
WITH GUNS.
I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO WE GET,
WHISTLES?
I GOT NOTHING.
MY JOB, STEPHEN, IT WAS ACTUALLY
ONE OF THE MOST BORING JOBS IN
THE WORLD.
MY JOB WAS TO TIME THE GUY FROM
THE END OF THE LINE TO THE FRONT
OF THE LINE, WHICH WOULD TAKE
ABOUT TWO HOURS.
I FELT LIKE A COACH FOR A TRACK
TEAM THAT WAS JUST REALLY SLOW,
AND AT THE END OF THE TRACK RACE
ALL THEY GET IS A STICKER AND
MAYBE A NEW PRESIDENT.
I DON'T KNOW.
> > MAYBE.
MAYBE.
JENNA, FOUR YEARS AGO, YOU
EXPRESSED IN A VERY PITHY WAY
THAT I WON'T NECESSARILY REPEAT
THAT YOU WERE WORRIED AFTER IT
TURNED OUT THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS
GOING TO BE PRESIDENT ABOUT THE
STATE OF WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE
RIGHTS, SHALL WE SAY.
AND FOUR YEARS LATER, HOW -- HOW
DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE STATE OF
THOSE RIGHTS FOR WOMEN?
> > I FEEL MOST SCARED FOR OUR
DAUGHTERS, THE ONES WE'RE GOING
TO BE FORCED TO HAVE.
I'M TRYING NOT TO BE AS CRASS AS
I WAS LAST TIME.
> > YOU WERE CRASS.
YOU WERE HONEST.
IT IS ONE OF THE FEW LINES I
REMEMBER.
> > IT'S COOL THAT AMY CONEY
BARRETT IS SO PRO LIFE.
LIFE NEEDS HEALTH CARE.
THAT'S ENCOURAGING.
NO, IT'S NOT.
I MEAN, IT'S SAD.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS CAN GET
PLAN B ONLINE AND PLAN C YOU
SHOULD ALL GET THAT.
IT IS CALLED MOVING TO CANADA.
CHECK THAT OUT.
> > OKAY.
> > DONALD TRUMP MADE A BIG PUSH
FOR BLACK MEN THIS TIME AROUND.
HOW DO YOU THINK THAT OUTREACH
WENT?
> > YOU KNOW, I'M SURE HE
CAPTURED A FEW.
BUT BLACK MEN ARE THE SECOND
LARGEST VOTING BLOCK OF
DEMOCRATS, SO I DOUBT HE
CAPTURED ENOUGH TO MAKE A
DIFFERENCE.
THEY HAD ADS DIRECT ED TOWARDS
BLACK MEN.
IT WAS POWERFUL.
> > WHAT WAS POWERFUL ABOUT IT?
> > THE ONES HIGHLIGHTING JOE
BIDEN'S RECORD.
HE IS ONE OF THE ARCHITECTS OF
THE WAR ON DRUGS AND
INCARCERATION IN THIS COUNTRY.
YOU CAN'T LOOK PASTED THAT.
IF YOU ARE A BLACK MAN AND YOU
ARE MADE AWAY OF THESE THINGS
BIDEN HAS DONE AND TRUMP IS
CALLING HIM OUT ON THAT AND
SAYING HE WILL DO THE OPPOSITE
OF THAT.
I CAN HANDLE THAT.
BUT THE FASCISM THAT TRUMP
BRINGS, I CAN'T HANDLE.
EVEN THOUGH BIDEN RUINED BLACK
COMMUNITIES IN THE PAST, TRUMP
WHAT HE'S IMPLEMENTING NOW WOULD
ROW WIN US MORE IN THE FUTURE, I
BELIEVE.
> > IT'S SORT OF A RELATED
QUESTION.
MAZ, MANY IRANIAN IMMIGRANTS TO
THE UNITED STATES HAVE SUPPORTED
THE PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE IRANIAN DESCENT.
WHY DO YOU THINK IN LIGHT OF THE
MUSLIM BAN WHICH HE IMPLEMENTED
AFTER THE COURTS SAID HE
COULDN'T, WHAT IS THE REASONING
BEHIND THAT SUPPORT, DO YOU
THINK?
> > I THINK A LOT OF IRANIAN
IMMIGRANTS THINK HE WILL GET RID
OF THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT.
BUT THERE IS NO PLAN THERE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
PLAYING SOCCER ONE TIME AND THIS
PERSON GOES, I'M A BIG FAN, BUT
PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF TRUMP.
I SAID WHY?
HE SAID HE'S GOING TO GET RID OF
THE MUSLIMS.
I WAS LIKE WHY?
HE'S LIKE, HE'S FUCKING CRAZY.
WE'RE AT A POINT WHERE A LOT OF
THESE GUYS HAVE DONE THAT.
A LOT OF THESE GUYS HAVE GONE
DOWN THE QANON RABBIT HOLE.
I HAVE BECOME A POLITICAL
SCIENCE TEACHER FOR AN ONLINE
COLLEGE.
AD THEY COME TO ME WITH ALL
THEIR WHACKY IDEAS.
THEY CAME AT ME WHEN HBO MAX
TOOK OFF THE "GONE WITH THE
WIND."
I GO, WHEN DID YOU BECOME A
CINCI
CINEPHILE?
THEY THINK CANCEL CULTURE.
> > I SEE.
> > THEY WERE LIKE WHAT ABOUT
CANCEL CULTURE?
WHAT ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
EDUCATE YOURSELF.
LIKE YOU SAID, THE TRAVEL BAN,
THE SANCTIONS THE PEOPLE OF IRAN
ARE SUFFERING UNDER.
SO I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I JUST CONTINUE TO DRINK.
> > IT'S SO DARK THAT --
> > PLEASE.
> > IT'S SO CRAZY THAT YOU HAVE
TO DRESS YOUR DOG AS AN ICONIC
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS.
I'M JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE
MOOD.
> > OH.
LOOK AT RBG.
SHE'S ADORABLE.
> > JENNA, FOUR YEARS AGO, I
ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO
DO NOW THAT TRUMP IS PRESIDENT.
AND YOU SAID I'M GOING TO
PORTUGAL.
> > I HAD A GIG IN PORTUGAL.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE THIS
TIME.
> > WAIT A SECOND.
YOU HAD A GIG IN PORTUGAL?
YOU WERE PLAYING A COMEDY CLUB
THERE?
> > NO.
IT WAS LIKE A TECH EVENT, AND I
WAS PERFORMING AT IT FOR, YOU
KNOW, TECH KIDS.
> > SO ARE YOU GOING TO GO
ANYWHERE TOMORROW?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO GO BACK
TO PORTUGAL?
> > I AM STAYING PUT.
AND WHEN I DO LEAVE THE HOUSE, I
WEAR A MASK.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S LIKE
CONTROVERSIAL.
> > I'M SORRY.
I FORGET.
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE
ANYMORE.
> > AS THE NIGHT WINDS DOWN, ANY
FINAL THOUGHTS?
ANYTHING TO LEAVE US WITH?
> > I GUESS MY FINAL THOUGHT IS,
YOU KNOW, SIMPLE.
YOU KNOW, THIS ADMINISTRATION,
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS
SHOWED US WHO THEY ARE.
THE QUESTION IS WILL AMERICA
CONTINUE TO LET THEM BE AND WILL
AMERICA CONTINUE TO LET ANY OF
THIS BE?
LIKE WE HAVE TO BE THE CHANGE
THAT WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD
AND REGARDLESS OF WHO WINS
TONIGHT, I HAVE WORK TO DO.
I WILL KEEP JOB CREATING AND
DEALING WITH POLITICS ON A LOCAL
LEVEL.
IF BIDEN/HARRIS WIN, I'M ON
THEIR ASS IMMEDIATELY.
ALL THESE PROMISES MADE DURING
THIS CAMPAIGN, ALL THE CRIME
BILLS BIDEN IMPLEMENTED, HE HAS
TO ATONE FOR THAT.
IF WE GET THEM TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, WE HAVE CLEAR DEMANDS TO
BE MET AND I WILL BE HOLDING
DEMOCRATS ACCOUNTABLE TO MAKE
SURE THEY MAKE THOSE PROMISES.
> > THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
> > THANK YOU.
> > AND STAY SAFE.
BYE, POTATO.
> > ALL RIGHT.
HOPEFULLY WE'RE HAPPY TOMORROW.
> > I HOPE SO.
THOUGH, IT MAY NOT BE FOR A FEW
DAYS.
ARE WE GOING ON TO OUR FRIENDS?
> > YEAH.
> > TWO OTHER NETWORKS, ONE OF
WHICH IS NOT CBS.
AND JUST BY THE INDICATION OF
YOUR FACE, TELL ME HOW IT'S BEEN
CALLED.
OH, BOY.
SURE.
GIVE ME THE OHIO CARD.
WHY NOT.
WE HAVE A CALL.
WE HAVE A CALL COMING IN.
THANK YOU, SQUIRE.
OKAY.
THIS IS THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
IT'S IN THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE,
OKAY.
SO SEE THE MAP UP THERE?
THAT'S CBS' MAP, AND IT DOESN'T
HAVE THIS, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO
SAY.
OKAY.
I MIGHT GET A SHARPIE OUT AND
JUST COLOR IT IN.
NOT-CBS IS READY TO CALL OHIO,
HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD
TRUMP.
IT'S GONE FROM THE BUCKEYE STATE
TO THE FUCK WHY STATE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
IT'S THE SAME SOLID JUDGMENT
THAT TOOK A PERFECTLY GOOD BOWL
OF CHILI AND SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS NEEDS?
SPAGHETTI.
WHAT'S ROUND AT BOTH ENDS AND
FUCKED IN THE HEAD?
OHIO.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WOULD LOVE SOME MUSIC.
SOME MUSIC WOULD BE LOVELY.
LET'S -- HI!
HOW ARE YOU?
KEEP IT LIGHT.
LATE SHOW.
OKAY.
AM I STANDING UP FOR THIS?
OR AM I GOING IT HERE?
ARE WE STILL ON THE AIR?
WE'RE PASSED MIDNIGHT.
WHAT DID WE PUSH?
WHAT DO WE PUSH?
A RERUN OF HOMELAND OR
SOMETHING?
WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON NOW
THAT IS NOT ON BECAUSE I'M DOING
THIS?
I WANT AN ANSWER.
> > OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT.
AND NOW -- HEY, THEY MIGHT GET
ANOTHER SEASON.
AND NOW, DEBUTING THEIR NEW
SONG, GENERATION A, INSPIRED BY
THE CURRENT CLIMATE OF THE
COUNTRY WITH A HOPEFUL MESSAGE
TO THE YOUTHS, ARCADE FIRE.
> > THIS IS GENERATION X, AND
WE'RE NOT GOING TO WAIT!
THEY SAY WAIT A LITTLE LONGER
AND THE TIMES ARE GONNA
CHANGE
THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW
YESTERDAY IS ALWAYS STRANGE
THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
OLDER
AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
THEY SAID THE GENERATION IS
COMING
AND I DON'T THINK THEY
UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT A
PATIENT MAN NOTE
WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
READY
WAIT UNTIL YOUR NUMBER IS
CALLED
THEY SAY, WAIT, ALL WE NEED
IS LOVE
BUT CALIFORNIA IS BURNING
NEW ORLEANS IS WADING FOR THE
FLOOD
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
YOU THINK THEY COULD TAKE US
CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
THEY SAY THE SUMMER OF LOVE
NO THEY SAY THE SUMMER OF LO
CITIES BURNING
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
DO YOU THINK THEY CAN TAKE US
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
IT'S TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
> > ARCADE FIRE, EVERYBODY.
WELL, FOLKS.
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE REACHED THE
END OF THE SHOW, AND WE STILL
DON'T KNOW WHO WON.
WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
FOR SO LONG.
IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS EVE AND NOT
JUST BECAUSE OF THE JUDGMENTAL
FAT GUY WITH THE RED HAT BUT
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL UP LATE
WONDERING IF WE'RE BEGINNING TO
GET THE PRESENT WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR, A BORING PRESIDENT.
LIKE YOU, I'M EXHAUSTED.
NOT JUST FROM TONIGHT.
ALTHOUGH, YEAH.
BUT FROM THE PAST FOUR YEARS, I
HAVE BEEN ON HIGH ALERT SINCE
EARLY IN THE MORNING NOVEMBER
9th OF 2016.
NOW, MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS WITHIN
NORMAL RANGE FOR A TRUCK TIRE.
YOU COULD ROLL MY AORTA OVER A
GRAVEL ROAD, I WOULDN'T FEEL A
BUMP.
WE HAVE BEEN HOVERING OVER IN
THE RED ZONE.
AND EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU CAN
TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS, A
CARAVAN OF TRUMP TRUCKS TRIES TO
RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS.
I WILL.
NOW I WILL SAY SOMETHING C
CONTROVER
CONTROVERSIAL.
IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD THING WE
DON'T KNOW WHO WON YET.
STOP THAT!
YOU DON'T EXIST.
STOP IT.
THE TRUTH IS THE REASON IT'S
TAKING SO LONG TO DECLARE A
WINNER IS BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SUCH
A MASSIVE VOTER TURNOUT.
GOING INTO TONIGHT, MANY WERE
PREDICTING THE HIGHEST RATE OF
VOTER TURNOUT SINCE 1908.
THAT WAS A CLOSE RACE, BUT
WILLIAM TAFT WON IN THE
POST-ELECTION WEIGH OFF.
MILLIONS OF YOU BRAVED THE
PANDEMIC, AN ARMY OF POLL
WATCHERS, EVEN THE POST OFFICE
JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT TO
VOTEMENT AND EACH ONE OF THOSE
BALLOTS DESERVES TO BE COUNTED
WHETHER THEY ARE VOTES FOR
BIDEN, TRUMP OR A WRITE-IN VOTE
FOR BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS.
MANY OF YOU WAITED FOR HOURS TO
MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD.
WE CAN ALL WAIT JUST A LITTLE
BIT LONGER.
BUT WE DESERVE SOME SMALL TASTE
OF THAT SATISFACTION WE CRAVE.
IN CLOSING TONIGHT, PLEASE ENJOY
THIS BRIEF MONTAGE OF THINGS
THAT FEEL AS SATISFYING AS YOU
WANT THIS TO.
> > AND NOW, THINGS THAT FEEL AS
SATISFYING AS YOU WANT THIS.
> > WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW,
AMERICA, ON CBS.
GOOD NIGHT!
ELECTION IN U.S. HISTORY.
> > STILL HOURS UNTIL THE POLLS
CLOSE.
> > THE NATION STILL REELING
FROM
THE DEADLIEST PANDEMIC IN A
CENTURY.
> > COULD BE DAYS OR WEEKS
BEFORE
WE KNOW THE RESULTS.
> > THE QUESTION ALL AMERICA IS
ASKING: ARE WE FUCKED?
> > CNN IS NOW READY TO PROJECT:
TOO EARLY TO CALL.
> > TOO EARLY TO CALL, HUH?
WELL, WAIT UNTIL THEY GET A LOAD
OF ME.
> > THIS ELECTION, SO HISTORIC,
SO CRUCIAL.
WHO WILL THE PEOPLE CHOOSE?
PERHAPS A PRESIDENT WHO DOES NOT
WISH TO MURDER ME.
ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, WOLF.
IT IS YOUR ONCE AND FUTURE
PRESIDENT HERE WITH AN IMPORTANT
ELECTION UPDATE.
I SMELL A LANDSLIDE!
> > EXCUSE ME, SENATOR.
MASKS ARE REQUIRED BEYOND THIS
POINT.
> > OH.
SILLY ME.
OFF TO THE FUCK PIT.
> > I HAVE DEFEATED THE CHINA
VIRUS!
AND NOW HERE TONIGHT, I WILL
DEFEAT THE CHINA BIDEN.
BILL BARR, LET'S CLOSE THE
POLLS.
> > YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
> > WHAT THE FUCK?
WHY ARE YOU NAKED?
> > WE'RE ON SHOWTIME.
I CAN SHOW FULL FRONTAL, MR.
PRESIDENT.
> > ALL RIGHT.
NOW LET'S LOCK THEM UP.
> > TIME TO PUT THE DICK IN
DICTA
DICTATOR.
> > SEE, AMERICA?
A LANDSLIDE!
TONIGHT WE CELEBRATE ON THE
STREETS OF D.C.
THIS DEMOCRACY.
> > BREAKING NEWS, I AM NOW
LOCKED IN A POLLING PLACE WITH
HUNDREDS OF VOTERS AND ONLY ONE
BATHROOM.
IT SEEMS CHILI WAS A BAD LUNCH
CHOICE.
THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND:
WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?
> > I'M AWAKE.
AM I PRESIDENT YET?
> > NO.
IT'S THE JOE SIGNAL.
WE KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
> > THERE IS A TRADE COMING?
I HAVE TO GET MY BAGS.
> > NO.
DEMOCRACY IS IN JEOPARDY.
> > OH, RIGHT, THE THING.
TO THE BIDEN BASEMENT.
> > WHAT A LANDSLIDE, HUH,
FOLKS?
HERE'S YOUR STUPID STIMULUS,
SUCKERS.
LOSERS!
> > BREATHE IN THE CORONAVIRUS.
DON'T LET IT DOMINATE YOU.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL 20 YEARS
YOUNGER.
> > MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.
WHO DO YOU TRUST?
ME?
I'M GIVING AWAY FREE VACCINES.
> > AND WHERE IS JOE BIDEN?
HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS MASK.
> > I GOT ICE CREAM ON IT.
GEEZ.
> > FOCUS, JOE.
TIME TO SUIT UP.
> > TO THE BIDEN MOBILE, COME
ON!
> > HIS TEAR GAS ASS IS GRASS.
> > NO.
WHY IS HE NAKED?
> > IT'S SHOWTIME, JOE.
> > OH, RIGHT.
I ALWAYS GOT IT ON ME.
> > TAKE THIS, BITCH.
> > THIS IS TURNING ME ON.
> > WE HAVE BEEN FREED, AND JUST
IN TIME TO USE THE LITTLE
ANCHORS ROOM.
> > E.T., GO VOTE!
> > I KNEW HE WAS JUICING.
COME ON, YOU SLEEPY BASTARD.
> > TIME TO STOP THE MELARKY,
YOU
DOG FACE PONY CLOWN.
> > YOU CAN MAKE THE CHECK OUT.
> > I GUESS WE'RE DOING THIS.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST YOU AND ME NOW, MONO --
> > I LOVE YOU, DAD!
> > YOU LOSE, JOE.
> > WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
DEMOCRACY?
> > MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.
I DON'T KNOW.
> > NOT SO FAST.
PERSON, WOMAN.
> > MAN.
> > CAMERA, TV.
AND WE'RE LIVE.
> > DEMOCRACY DON'T DIE THAT
EASY, JACK.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE STILL GOT A
SAY WHO WINS AND WHO LOUZS.
STAND BACK.
I GOT TO SAY PRESIDENT.
NOW PUT THE DEMOCRACY DOWN AND
NOBODY GETS HURT.
OH, MAN.
WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?
BUMBLEBEE, NO!
> > YOU'RE ALL RED.
I HATE EVERYBODY.
> > 2020.
> > > WELCOME.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO OUR
LIVE ELECTION SPECIAL.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M WEARING A SUIT TONIGHT
BECAUSE IT IS THE ELECTION.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.
I DRESSED UP.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD, TOO.
I'M NOT ALONE.
I HAVE THE TWO MASKED MEN WHO
ARE NORMALLY IN HERE.
I WOULD LOVE TO LEARN THEIR
NAMES SOME DAY.
MY LADY WIFE IS THERE.
SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
SHE'S HAD A LITTLE WINE.
BUT SHE'S A CORE DEMOGRAPHIC.
SHE'S A SUBURBAN WOMAN.
AS SHE GOES, SO GOES THE NATION.
TONIGHT SHE'S GOING HOME WITH
ME.
TONIGHT WE'RE ON SHOWTIME JUST
LIKE FOUR YEARS AGO, AND WE KNOW
WHY WE'RE HERE BECAUSE IT'S
LIVE.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW SOME WHAT SOME
OF THE INGREDIENTS OF TONIGHT'S
SHOW WILL BE.
AT THIS POINT, IT'S LIKE WE'RE
MAKING COOKIES AND WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING TO BE IN THE BATCH.
AS WE JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN,
PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH US AND
YOURSELF.
HOLD ON TIGHT.
HOLD ON TO YOUR LOVED ONESMENT
HOLD ON TO YOUR PETS.
IF YOU ARE HOLDING ON TO
ANYTHING ELSE, TURN YOUR ZOOM
CAMERA OFF.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME
WHY WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN.
WE DID IT FOUR YEARS AGO, AND IT
WAS, QUITE FAMOUSLY, A PAINFUL
EXPERIENCE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE WITH
ANYBODY ELSE THAN YOU RIGHT NOW
AND ONLY PARTLY BECAUSE WE'RE
NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE NEW YORK
RIGHT NOW.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE ON SHOWTIME
BECAUSE HOLY SHIT.
IT IS A WEIRD FUCKING ELECTION.
FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE IN A
PANDEMIC.
SO BEFORE THE POLLS OPENED, 99.7
MILLION AMERICANS ALREADY VOTED.
A LOT WERE SENT BY MAIL.
AS WE SPEAK THE GOP IS MARKING
HARD TO DISQUALIFY VOTES ON
TECHNICALITIES AND BASELESS
CHARGES OF FRAUD.
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING.
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM, FIND A
JUDGE WHO SAYS, NO, ACTUALLY YOU
DID BEAT THEM.
NOW, DOUBT ABOUT WHETHER THE
ELECTION WILL BE FAIR OR NOT HAS
RAISED FEAR OF VIOLENCE IN THE
STREETS.
ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, RETAILERS
ARE BOARDING UP THEIR WINDOWS.
IT'S BEEN A BANNER DAY FOR JIM'S
DOOMSDAY PLYWOOD.
JIM'S IS ACTUALLY OPEN.
THE PLYWOOD IS JUST ALWAYS UP
THERE.
NOW, BUSINESSES THE EVERYWHERE
ARE TAKING PRECAUTIONS.
CVS IS PROTECTING ITS WINDOWS
WITH A SINGLE GATORADE.
AS WE SPEAK, JOE BIDEN IS IN
DELAWARE.
THE PRESIDENT IS AT THE WHITE
HOUSE.
IF EITHER OF THEM COMES OUT TO
SPEAK TONIGHT DURING THIS SHOW,
AND DO WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO
DO THIS?
WE ARE PREPARED NOT TO GO TO
EITHER ONE OF THEM BECAUSE THIS
IS MY SHOW.
GET YOUR OWN SHOW, FELLAS.
WHILE THIS IS A COMEDY SHOW SO
FAR, THE RESULTS YOU'LL BE
HEARING ARE REAL.
WE'RE GETTING STRAIGHT FROM CBS,
FROM THE PIPE THEY JACK IN TO
THE BACK OF JOHN DICKERSON'S
HEAD.
AT THE WHITE HOUSE, THE
PRESIDENT IS THROWING A PARTY.
IS THAT HAPPENING?
IT'S STILL HAPPENING.
HE'S PLANNED 250 GUESTS DOWN TO
400.
TRUMP WANTED TO KEEP IT TO HIS
NEAREST AND NEAREST
CODEFENDANTS.
ONCE AGAIN, A LARGE INDOOR
GATHERING DURING A PANDEMIC.
IF HE LOSES, HE CAN SEAL HIS
ADMINISTRATION IN WITH HIM LIKE
A PHARAOH'S TOME.
HE HAS GOLD WALLS AND HIS
DEMONIC ESCORT INTO THE
UNDERWORLD.
AND TO KEEP TRUMP SAFE FROM THE
ELECTION UNREST THAT HE'S
COUNTING ON HAPPENING, THE
GOVERNMENT HAS ERECTED A
NONSCALEABLE FENCE AROUND THE
WHITE HOUSE.
SO IN THE END, THEY BUILT THE
WALL AND LOCKED HIM UP.
PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.
YESTERDAY WAS BOTH CANDIDATES
LAST CHANCE TO MAKE A TRIP TO
SEE VOTERS.
LAST NIGHT BIDEN WAS IN
PENNSYLVANIA.
HE BROUGHT OUT LADY GAGA.
THE BEST HE'S EVER GOTTEN WAS
POP SENSATION LADY RUDY.
THOUGH, IT IS REFRESHING TO SEE
RUDY IN THE COMEDY BIT WHERE
HE'S NOT TOUCHING HIMSELF.
SO IN ONE OF HIS CLOSING
RALLIES, TRUMP LASHED OUT AT
BIDEN'S POP STAR FRIEND.
> > LADY GAGA IS NOT TOO GOOD.
I COULD TELL YOU PLENTY OF
STORIES.
I COULD TELL YOU STORIES ABOUT
LADY GAGA.
I KNOW A LOT OF STORIES ABOUT
LADY GAGA.
> > WHAT?
YOU HAVE GOTS OF STORIES ABOUT
LADY GAGA?
THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP TELLING ONE
ABOUT THE SUPER STRONG RANCHER
THAT DOESN'T GO TO PARIS
ANYMORE.
OR THE WIFE THAT SUDDENLY LOVES
HER HUSBAND BECAUSE THEIR 401(k)
IS DOING WELL?
STOP WASTING TIME.
STILL THE GAGA TEA!
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN DOUBLED DOWN
ON THIS WITH A TWEET.
NOTHING EXPOSES BIDEN'S DISDAIN
FOR THE FORGOTTEN WORKING MEN
AND WOMEN OF PENNSYLVANIA LIKE
CAMPAIGNING WITH ANTI-FRACKING
ACTIVIST LADY GAGA.
YES.
WHO CAN FORGET HER BIG HIT?
> > FRACK.
THE GROUND.
> > THAT SONG GETS ME.
THAT SONG GETS ME EVERY TIME.
TRUMP ENDED THE CAMPAIGN WITH
THIS CLINCHING CLOSING ARGUMENT
IN THE FORM OF A VIDEO HE POSTED
AT 3:00 A.M. ON ELECTION DAY.
> > I PROMISE YOU, WE DID NOT
MAKE THAT UP.
THEY PUT THAT OUT.
DONALD TRUMP IS THE ONLY
CANDIDATE PROMISING THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE I WILL MASTURBATE TWO
INVISIBLE GIRAFFES.
ALL RIGHT.
LIKE THE GIRAFFE JOKE?
YOU DON'T.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS IT TIME?
IT'S TIME FOR SOME RESULTS.
OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THESE ARE ACTUAL RESULTS THAT WE
HAVE RECEIVED THANKS TO ADVANCED
COMPUTER MODELING AND THE
OCCASIONAL SINGING TELEGRAM WE
HAVE BEEN RECEIVING FROM THE
FUTURE.
OKAY?
WE'RE READY TO MAKE SOME CALLS.
WHAT DO WE HAVE FIRST?
MARYLAND.
LET'S START IN MARYLAND WHERE
CBS PROJECTS THAT JOE BIDEN HAS
DEFEATED DONALD TRUMP.
BUT MARYLAND AND I HAVE SO MUCH
IN COMMON.
WE'RE BOTH KNOWN FOR GIVING
PEOPLE CRABS.
WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT VERMONT
HAS BEEN CALLED FOR FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
THE TICKET WAS GIVEN A HUGE
BOOST THANKS TO BEN AND JERRY'S
NEW FLAVOR, FORMER ICE PRESIDENT
KAMALA-NANNA HARR REECES-PIECES.
WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT THAT
DELAWARE HAS BEEN WON BY JOE
BIDEN.
WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO.
IT'S HIS HOME STATE.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP
LOSING NEW YORK.
HE WHAT?
THAT'S GOT TO STINK.
WELL, AS I JUST PRETENDED TO
HEAR FROM OFF CAMERA.
NEW YORK STATE AND IT'S WHAPING
29 ELECTORAL VOTES HAS JUST BEEN
CALLED FOR VICE PRESIDENT JOSEPH
R. BIDEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY.
IF YOU CAN MAKE IT HERE, YOU ARE
NOT DONALD TRUMP.
FURTHER SOUTH, THE NUMBER
CALLERS HAVE CALLED THE NUMBERS.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE KENTUCKY HAS
GONE FOR DONALD TRUMP.
AND, OH, LOOK, MITCH McCONNELL
IS SO PROUD HE'S INFLATING HIS
WADDLE.
OH.
IMPRESSIVE MATING GESTURE.
WATCH OUT, LADIES.
NO SURPRISE.
DONALD TRUMP HAS ALSO WON
TENNESSEE WHICH HAS AN ACTUAL
STATE GUN.
THE BARRETT.50 CALIBER M-82
WHICH I'M BEING TOLD HAS ALSO
WON ITS SENATE SEAT.
AND A LITTLE FURTHER WEST OR
NORTH, I'M NOT SURE.
INDIANA HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
WELL, OF COURSE.
IT WAS EITHER VOTE FOR HIM OR
TAKE MIKE PENCE BACK.
THAT'S AN EASY CALL.
AND FOR ANY OKIES WONDERING HOW
YOUR PAN IS BEING HANDLED, I CAN
REPORT IT IS BEING CALLED FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
YOU KNOW HOW THE SONG GOES
OH, THE STATE WHERE THEY
DON'T CARE TRUMP KILLED HERMAN
CAIN.
> > HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER
THERE?
CAN WE GET HER SOME WINE?
THAT WOMAN NEEDS TO STAY IN
WHATEVER STATE SHE'S IN RIGHT
NOW.
ANOTHER STATE HAS BEEN
OFFICIALLY DECIDED.
SOUTH DAKOTA IS BEING CALLED FOR
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
LET'S SEE HOW PEOPLE IN SOUTH
DAKOTA ARE REACTING.
AND --
> > AH, SHIT.
> > OKAY.
BACK EAST, I'M GETTING -- IS
THIS TRUE?
I'M GETTING BREAKING RESULTS
FROM TWO HOURS AGO THAT NEW
JERSEY HAS BEEN CALLED FOR JOE
BIDEN.
WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE.
AFTER ALL THE FIRST EVER
BASEBALL BECAME WAS PLAYED IN
NEW JERSEY IN 1846, AND JOE
BIDEN WAS THERE.
YEP.
STILL GOING TO DO THOSE JOKES,
SIR.
AND I'M GETTING THE RESULTS FROM
MASSACHUSETTS WHO PROJECT THAT
IT HAS GONE FOR JOE BIDEN.
BIDEN WON THE HEARTS OF BOSTON
WITH HIS STIRRING MESSAGE OF
TELLING A GUY FROM NEW YORK TO
SHUT THE HELL UP.
WE CAN ALSO REPORT THAT NEW
HAMPSHIRE HAS BEEN CALLED FOR
FORMER PRESIDENT BIDEN.
LIVE FREE OR DIE ISN'T JUST THE
MOTTO, IT WAS THE TWO CHOICES ON
THE BALLOT.
AND AS LONG AS WE'RE LEAF
PEEPING IN LEAF PEEPING COUNTRY,
I THINK I KNOW WHAT THAT
SENTENCE MEANS, JOE BIDEN HAS
WON CONNECTICUT.
YES.
TURNS OUT THE CONSTITUTION, THEY
PREFER SOMEONE WHO HAS READ THE
CONSTITUTION.
IT WAS A SQUEAKER.
ONLY GAVE BIDEN A 99% OF
WINNING.
THEY FELT BIDEN REPRESENTED
THEIR CORE OF CONNECTICUT VALUES
OF ENJOYING FLEECE SWEATER
VESTS.
ALL DAY WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON
RESULTS FROM COLORADO.
AND NOW WE'VE GOT THEM.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE JOE BIDEN JUST
WON COLORADO.
HERE IS AN INTERESTING FACT.
COLORADO HAS A LONG HISTORY OF
VOTING BY MAIL.
IN THIS YEAR'S STATE PRIMARIES,
99.3% OF VOTERS USED MAIL-IN
BALLOTS.
THE REMAINING 0.7% COULD NOT
BECAUSE THEY HAD TURNED THEIR
MAILBOX INTO A BONG.
THERE IS MORE.
I WAS GOING TO GO ON TO
SOMETHING ELSE, BUT MY YOUNG
PAGE HERE IS HANDING ME RESULTS
HERE.
THANK YOU, SHOE SHINE BOY.
WHAT'S THE TOP ONE HERE?
ILLINOIS, WE ARE READY TO CALL
THAT JOSEPH BIDEN HAS WON EASILY
ILLINOIS.
ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL GIFT FROM THE
STATE THAT HAS GIVEN US ABRAHAM
LINCOLN, BARACK OBAMA, JACK FORD
BUT ALSO JOHN WAYNE GUYSY.
DON'T GET COCKY, ILLINOIS.
MISSOURI, MISSOURI.
I AM NOT PRETENDING THAT THIS
NEWS HAS JUST BEEN HANDED TO ME.
MISSOURI HAS JUST BEEN CALLED
FOR DONALD TRUMP.
APPARENTLY THE SHOW ME STATE
LIKES THE GUY WHOSE ENTIRE SHOW
IS ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ELSE DO I GOT HERE?
IS THIS UTAH?
UTAH HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR
DONALD TRUMP.
THIS IS INTERITSESTING.
MITT ROMNEY SAID HE DIDN'T VOTE
FOR HIM, INSTEAD FOLLOWED HIS
PASSION AND VOTED FOR UNSALTED
CRACKER.
UTAH KNOWN FOR TWO THINGS, THEIR
BREATH TAKING NATURAL SLENDER
AND THEIR INTENSE DESIRE TO
DESTROY IT.
NOW THIS ONE, THIS ONE I DID NOT
EXPECT RIGHT AWAY.
THIS HAS GOT TO COME AS A
SHOCKER TO EVERYONE IN A COMA.
JOE BIDEN HAS WON THE GOLDEN
STATE CALIFORNIA.
WITH CALIFORNIA, BECAUSE OF HOW
THE VOTES ARE TALLIED, WE MAY
NOT KNOW THE OFFICIAL RESULTS
FOR QUITE A WHILE.
SO WITH 0% REPORTING, AND THIS
IS TRUE, WITH 0% REPORTING,
BECAUSE, COME ON, IT'S
CALIFORNIA AND THIS ISN'T THE
NEWS, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT.
IS THAT IT?
NOW CAN I MOVE ON TO THE OTHER
JOKES?
MORE JOKES OVER HERE.
HERE, HAVE THESE COMPOSTED.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH ELECTION
COVERAGE AND SPOILER, YOU ARE
RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW THAT THE
NEWS NETWORKS ALWAYS HAVE A
PANEL OF EXPERTS TO HELP THEM
BREAK DOWN THE BREAKING NEWS.
IN CNN'S CASE SO THE DIRECTOR
HAS SOMETHING TO CUT TO WHEN
JOHN KING GETS INTO HANDSY WITH
HIS PROJECTOR.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS
QUANTITY.
BACK IN 2016, THEY HAD NO LESS
THAN NINE DIFFERENT PEOPLE
WEIGHING IN ON THE RESULTS.
MEANING, THEY HAD MORE PEOPLE
DISCUSSING THE VOTERS OF WYOMING
THEN THERE ARE VOTERS IN
WYOMING.
WELL, I WILL NOT SIT HERE TO BE
OUTQUANTITIES BY CNN.
TONIGHT I'M PROUD TO PRESENT OUR
NEW SEGMENT, THE MOST ELECTION
NIGHT PANEL EVER.
WITH ME TONIGHT ARE SOME OF THE
MOST NAMES IN THE BIZ.
LET'S MEET THEM NOW.
MY OLD PAL JOHN DICKERSON.
> > I'M HONORED AND
CONTRACTUALLY
OBLIGATED TO BE HERE, STEPHEN.
> > RIGHT YOU ARE.
> > HERE TO GIVE US THE INSIDER
PERSPECTIVE, SOMEBODY WHO RAN,
FORMER COLORADO GOVERNOR.
> > ACTUALLY, STEPHEN, I'M
MICHAEL BENNETT, THE COLORADO
SENATOR.
> > NICE TRY.
WE'D NEVER BE ABLE TO BOOK A
MICHAEL BENNETT.
THAT DUDE IS A ROCK STAR.
> > IT'S THE ECONOMY, STUPID.
> > DON'T CALL ME, STUPID, YOU
CAJUN MALL RAT.
NEXT WE HAVE ANDREW YANG WHO RAN
ON THE SLOGAN MATH.
HOW ARE THE NUMBERS LOOKING TO
BE THE?
> > THEY'RE LOOKING GREAT.
3 AND 5 ARE VISUALLY APPEALING.
11 HAS PERFECT SIMILAR MET TRY.
THESE NUMBERS LOOK FANTASTIC.
> > ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
> > WE HAVE NEIL DEGRASS TYSON.
> > TONIGHT I PREDICT THE
UNIVERSE WILL DIE OF HEAT DEATH
IN TEN TO THE POWER OF 100
YEARS.
> > WELL, I BELIEVE OHIO MIGHT
HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT
THAT.
AND TO DISCUSS HOW COVID MIGHT
BE AFFECTING THE CASE, WE WANTED
A DOCTOR, DR. J.
> > I'M NOT A MEDICAL DOCTOR,
STEPHEN.
> > LET'S STAY IN OUR LANES.
WE HAVE FORMER SECRETARY OF THE
STATE MADELEINE ALBRIGHT.
> > WHERE ARE MY PANCAKES?
> > WE'RE FAXING THEM TO YOU
NOW,
MADAM SECRETARY.
> > AND WE HAVE A USED SEA DOO
SALESMAN ON METH.
> > ARE YOU A COP?
> > WE'RE LUCKY TO BE JOINED BY
ONE OF THE GREAT, BRIAN KRANS
TON.
> > THIS DISH NEVER FAILS TO
IMPRESS.
> > ACTUALLY, BRIAN.
THIS IS AN ELECTION SPECIAL, NOT
A COOKING SHOW.
> > RIGHT.
BUT YOU CAN PREPARE THIS DISH
WAY AHEAD OF TIME BEFORE THE
PARTY, AND IT WILL BE READY BY
THE TIME YOUR GUESTS ARRIVE.
> > ALSO JOINING US, THE FLY
THAT
WAS ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD DURING
THE DEBATE.
THANK YOU FOR JOINING US, MR.
FLY.
> > ACTUALLY, THAT FLY WAS MY
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT
GRANDFATHER.
WE HAVE VERY SHORT LIFE SPANS.
NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE
TO DEPOSIT EGGS IN HIS SCALP.
> > WE'VE ALSO GOT EXPERT
ANALYSIS FROM A MEMBER OF THE WU
TANG CLAN, METHOD MAN.
> > STEPHEN, VOTER TURNOUT IS
HIGHER THAN IT'S BEEN IN DECADE.
SO AM I.
> > WE ALL HAVE TO GET THROUGH
THIS ELECTION SOMEHOW.
> > WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR
TONIGHT, RU?
> > WELL, MAINE AND NEBRASKA ARE
THE ONLY TWO STATES THAT ALLOW A
SPLIT IN THEIR STATE'S ELECTORS,
SO I WANT TO CELEBRATE THEIR
DESIRE TO GO BOTH WAYS.
OKAY?
> > OKAY WITH ME.
NEXT WE HAVE AWARD WINNING ACTOR
AND AUTHOR ETHAN HAWK LIVE VIA
HIDDEN CAMERA.
> > SOMEONE LEAVE THEIR PHONE IN
HERE?
IS THIS THING ON?
> > AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE'VE BEEN
CAUGHT.
> > COLBERT, IS THAT YOU?
> > HERE TO COUNT VOTES, WE'VE
GOT THE TOOTSIE POP OWL.
HOW MANY VOTES?
> > ONE, TWO, THREE.
> > SO THREE?
> > NO, DUMMY, 270.
DO YOU HAVE ANOTHER LOLLIPOP.
> > NEXT WE HAVE ACTOR AND
ACTIVIST GEORGE TIKA.
> > PERSONALLY, I'M INTERESTED
IN
THE SWING STATES OF OHIO AND
MICHIGAN OR, AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY
THEIR POSTAL CODES, OH MI.
> > AND WE HAVE SOMEONE IN A CIA
WIG TO TALK ABOUT THE YOUTH
VOTE, FIVE TEENAGERS EITHER
NAMED JOE OR RONALD.
> > MY NAME IS DONALD.
> > CLOSE ENOUGH.
PANEL, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ABOUT THE NIGHT SO FAR?
> > WHAT?
AND I'M BEING TOLD THAT'S ALL WE
HAVE TIME FOR.
> > THIS HAS BEEN STEPHEN
COLBERT'S SHOWTIME ELECTION
SPECIAL PRESENTS.
> > WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE, STEPHEN.
I'VE GOT A UNIQUE HISTORICAL
PERSPEC
PERSPECTIVE.
> > OKAY.
THIS IS HIGHLY UNUSUAL, BUT GO
AHEAD.
> > DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PEOPLE
HAVE WASTED ON HOTELS EVERY
YEAR?
THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WOULD
SAVE IF YOU HAD A TIMESHARE IN
BEAUTIFUL KEY WEST.
> > NO, DORIS.
I'M NOT BUYING A TIMESHARE FROM
YOU AGAIN.
FOOL ME TWICE, SHAME ON ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?
THANK YOU TO THE WHOLE PANEL.
THAT WAS SO GOOD.
WHERE ARE WE RIGHT NOW?
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR
TONIGHT.
LET'S CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIEND
AND YOURS, MR. JOHN BAPTIST.
JOHN, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A SUIT.
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A SUIT.
YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE OTHER
PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM ARE WEARING.
> > OH, REALLY?
I'M GETTING JOY FROM EVY.
THE LAUGH IS REALLY INFECTIOUS.
> > YES.
SHE'S MY LIFEBOAT.
JOHN, HOW ARE YOU DOING TONIGHT?
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
> > I THINK TODAY SHOULD BE A
NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
THAT'S WHY I GOT MY SUIT ON.
IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.
I WAS PLAYING FOR THE PEOPLE IN
PHILLY, AND I'M JUST -- I'M
HOPING FOR THE BEST, AND I
BELIEVE WE WILL GET IT.
> > HOW LONG WERE YOU OUT THERE
PLAYING?
> > OH, I WAS OUT THERE PLAYING
FOR A GOOD TWO HOURS, AND WE
BROUGHT JOY TO THE POLLS, AND
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO CONTINUE
TO BRING THROUGHOUT THE REST OF
THIS SEASON AS WE GET A NEW
ADMINISTRATION, HOPEFULLY, AND
THAT'S WHAT WE DOING.
> > WERE THERE LONG LINES?
DID YOU SEE A LOT OF PEOPLE DOWN
THERE?
> > YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T AS LONG
AS I WAS HOPING IT WOULD BE.
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE VOTED EARLY.
> > YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING
TO GO WITH, TOO.
I'M GOING TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE
VOTED EARLY.
DO WE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
PENNSYLVANIA.
PENNSYLVANIA HAS NOT BEEN CALLED
SO YOU MIGHT HAVE PUSHED IT OVER
THE TOP WITH PIANO.
WE'RE GOING TO BREAK INTO CBS
NEWS.
WOULD YOU GIVE ME 15 SECONDS OF
JOY?
> > OH, I GOT YOU.
> > THANK YOU, JOHN.
JOHN BAPTIST, EVERYBODY.
AND ARE WE THERE?
ARE WE READY TO GO?
I'M BEING TOLD IT IS TIME TO
CHECK IN WITH OUR FRIENDS OVER
AT CBS NEWS.
WE'RE ON SHOWTIME RIGHT NOW, BUT
THEY HAVE MY OLD TIME SLOT FOR
THE NIGHT.
LET'S SEE HOW IT'S GOING.
JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM US,
ARE WE READY TO ROLL AT THIS
POINT?
WE'RE TEN SECONDS AWAY.
WHAT?
KANSAS WENT TO TRUMP.
SUCK ON THAT FOR TEN SECONDS.
> > 2020 AMERICA DECIDES.
WE ARE WATCHING IT ALL UNFOLD
HERE AT CBS NEWS ELECTION
HEADQUARTERS IN TIME SQUARE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE BIG MAP
TO SEE WHERE WE STAND AT THIS
HOUR.
MANY OF THE BATTLEGROUND STATES
ARE STILL TOSS-UPS.
CBS NEWS CHARACTERIZES FLORIDA
AS LEANING TOWARD PRESIDENT
TRUMP.
IN THE ELECTORAL VOTE JOE BIDEN
LEADS 168-111.
AND ARIZONA AT THIS HOUR LEANS
TOWARDS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT
JOE BIDEN.
WE KNOW THE WORLD IS WATCHING
TONIGHT AND STEPHEN COLBERT IS
HARD AT WORK WITH A LIVE SHOW ON
OUR SISTER NETWORK SHOWTIME.
> > I JUST LOST HER.
> > WHOA, WHOA.
HI!
HI, STEPHEN.
HOW ARE YOU?
THERE HE IS.
> > SORRY.
I LOST YOU FOR A SECOND THERE.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.
> > WELL, LOOK --
> > HEY, THERE YOU ARE.
> > HEY!
> > HEY!
> > HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.
> > WE'RE ACTUALLY SO CLOSE IN
MANHAT
MANHATTAN, WE SHOULD JUST OPEN
UP THE WINDOWS AND SHOUT AT EACH
OTHER.
> > OVER THE SIRENS.
HOW ARE YOU?
> > I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD TO CHECK IN
WITH SOMEBODY WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS
SOMETHING.
I'M SEALED OVER AT THE OFFICES
OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER AND
WE'RE MAKING UP WHAT WE KNOW.
ALL OF OUR INFORMATION JUST
COMES FROM YOU.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON?
> > WELL, JOHN DICKERSON IS
HERE,
AND WE'VE GOT OUR NOTABLE NINE
STATES THAT WE HAVE BEEN LOOKING
IN THE BATTLEGROUND STATES.
JUST TWO OF THEM WE'VE GOT
LEANING A CERTAIN WAY, RIGHT?
FLORIDA WE'VE GOT LEANING
TOWARDS TRUMP.
AND ARIZONA LEANING TOWARDS
BIDEN.
> > JOE BIDEN.
> > THAT'S RIGHT.
SO FLORIDA LOOKS LIKE IT'S GOING
HIS WAY.
NORTH CAROLINA AND GEORGIA,
WHICH WERE AT THE EDGE OF
DEMOCRATIC DREAMS.
THEY HAD FANTASIES ABOUT PICKING
UP ONE OF THOSE TWO STATES.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING
THAT WAY FOR JOE BIDEN.
THE OTHER ROUTE FOR JOE BIDEN TO
TAKE STATES AWAY FROM DONALD
TRUMP IS TO GO UP THROUGH THE
MIDWEST.
THE CHALLENGE OF THE MIDWEST AND
BASICALLY THE NIGHT HAS BEEN
BETWEEN EARLY VOTE AND WHO
SHOWED UP ON ELECTION DAY.
THE BIDEN FORCES VOTED EARLY.
THE TRUMP FORCES HAVE SHOWN UP
ON ELECTION DAY.
MIDWEST, THAT'S PART OF THE
STORY, BUT THE OTHER PART OF THE
STORY IS IT'S GOING TO TAKE THEM
A LONG TIME TO COUNT THE VOTES.
> > CAN WE SAY THIS?
WHEN THE EVENING STARTED, WE
STARTED AT 7:00 EASTERN TIME AND
BOTH CANDIDATES WERE VERY
CONFIDENT THEY WERE GOING TO
WIN.
AS WE SIT HERE TONIGHT, THEY'RE
STILL VERY CONFIDENT THAT
THEY'RE GOING TO WIN.
> > SOMETHING WOULD HAVE CHANGED
FROM THE LAST TIME TO THIS TIME.
FOUR YEARS AGO, WE'RE DOWN TO
THOSE IN MIDWEST EARN INDUSTRIAL
DATES AGAIN, JOHN.
IS THAT THE CASE?
> > NORA MENTIONED THIS, THAT WE
HAVE ARIZONA AS LEANING TOWARD
JOE BIDEN, SO THAT WOULD BE A
BIG DEAL FOR A COUPLE OF
REASONS.
ONE, IT IS FROM THAT LIST OF
STATES DONALD TRUMP WON IN 2016
AND DEMOCRATS HOPE THAT THAT IS
PART OF THE STORY IN STATES LIKE
ARIZONA AND MAYBE OTHER PIECES.
THAT'S THE BRIGHT PIECE OF NEWS
FOR DEMOCRATS SO FAR TONIGHT.
> > JUST TO POINT THAT OUT, WHY
ARIZONA IS SO IMPORTANT IF IN
FACT BIDEN CARRIES THAT STATE,
IT IS ONE OF THEIR KEY PATHWAYS
TO THE PRESIDENCY.
THEY WANT TO WIN ARIZONA,
MICHIGAN AND WISCONSIN, AND THEY
COULD WIN WITHOUT PENNSYLVANIA
AND FLORIDA IN THAT PARTICULAR
SCENARIO.
SO ARIZONA HAS ALWAYS BEEN SORT
OF, I GUESS YOU WOULD CALL IT A
SAFETY, AN EXTRA IF THEY DID NOT
WIN PENN PN AND FLORIDA.
BUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
HERE IS WHETHER WE'LL BE ABLE TO
CHARACTERIZE WHO MAY WIN IF THIS
GOES DOWN TO THE UPPER MIDWEST.
AS YOU KNOW, IT'S GOING TO TAKE
A WHILE TO COUNT THE VOTES
THERE.
> > WAIT.
DID I HEAR THIS RIGHT, THAT IT'S
POSSIBLE THAT JOE BIDEN WOULD
NOT WIN HIS HOME STATE OF
PENNSYLVANIA?
> > WE DON'T KNOW THAT YET.
WE JUST DON'T KNOW.
MARGARET BRENNAN WAS SAYING
EARLIER THEY STARTED THE VOTE
COUNTING AGAIN IN PHILADELPHIA.
THEY PAUSED IT FOR A LITTLE
WHILE.
IT WAS A LABOR ISSUE.
BUT HE DOES HAVE A SCENARIO
WHERE JOE BIDEN COULD WIN THE
PRESIDENCY WITHOUT PENNSYLVANIA
OR FLORIDA.
> > BUT IT WOULD STING.
IT WOULD STING.
IT WOULD BE LIKE YOUR MOM SAYING
YOU LOOK FUNNY.
> > WELL AS SOMEONE WHOSE MOM
SAID THAT TO THEM ALL THE TIME,
JOE BIDEN 99% OF THE VOTE IN, IT
LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT IT BY NINE
POINTS, WHICH BEATS HILLARY
CLINTON IN THAT SMALL COUNTY.
AT LEAST IN THAT REGARD, HE CAN
FEEL LIKE HE WON.
> > IT'S LIKE YOUR MOM SAYING,
YOU KNOW, I NEVER LIKED YOU.
I ALWAYS LIKED YOUR BROTHER
BETTER.
> > JOHN, DID YOUR MOM EVER SAY
THAT TO YOU?
I HAVE A VERY CHARMING BROTHER.
> > GALE, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE UP
FOR CTM.
> > I KNOW.
THIS IS ME ON DRUGS.
> > THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME
TO BOW OUT.
> > AND MY DRUGS I MEAN WATER.
BUT, NO, WE WANT TO STAY HERE
FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.
YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE AND
LEAVE AS THEY'RE SAYING, WE'RE
GOING TO KNOW SOMETHING.
BUT IN ALL HONESTY, IT DOESN'T
KNOW LIKE WE'RE GOING TO KNOW
ANYTHING FOR SURE THIS EVENING.
> > THAT'S A CBS NEWS PROMISE.
WE WON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
STICK AROUND.
THANKS SO MUCH, YOU GUYS!
THANKS FOR ADDING LEGITIMACY TO
MY NIGHT.
> > TAKE THAT BACK!
> > THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
WE APPRECIATE IT.
> > WE USED TO LIKE YOU.
> > THANK YOU, GALE.
THANK YOU, NORA.
JOHN.
> > JOHN.
> > THERE YOU GO.
NICE PEOPLE.
THEY'RE SUCH NICE PEOPLE.
AM I STILL OVER HERE, OR AM I
OVER HERE NOW?
WHAT AM I DOING?
AM I DOING MORE OF THESE OR AM I
MOVING ON TO SOMETHING ELSE?
DOING THE SENATE.
OH, THIS IS BIG.
ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THE SENATE.
TAKE A SWIG OF WINE.
THEY GAVE HER SOME WINE.
HOLD IT IN YOUR HAND.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO
READ, SO I WANT YOU TO BE WELL
GUARDED.
OKAY?
I'M WEARING A CUP.
OKAY.
OF COURSE TONIGHT THERE ARE ALSO
SOME NON-TRUMP STAKES.
AND BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE
HAVING STEAK, MAKE IT A NONTRUMP
STEAKS.
ONE OF THE STAKES IS BALANCE OF
CONTROL OF THE ELECTION.
THE DEMOCRATS HOLD 47 SEATS.
THE DEMOCRATS NEED TO PICK UP 4
SEATS TO TAKE CONTROL.
SO LOOKING OVER AT THE UNITED
STATES SENATE AT THIS HOUR, IT
REMAINS A BUILDING IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.
AS FOR WHO IS GOING TO BE
WORKING INSIDE THAT BUILDING
NEXT YEAR, DO WE ACTUALLY HAVE
THE INFORMATION OR IS IT ALL
JUST PREAMBLE?
NEW HAMPSHIRE HAS DEFEATED THE
REPUBLICAN.
AND THE 231 YEAR STREAK OF NO
CORKYS IN CONGRESS CONTINUES.
THE MASSACHUSETTS SENATE RACE
HAS BEEN CALLED FOR SENATOR ED
MARKEY, WHO IS THE INCUMBENT AND
CO-AUTHOR OF THE NEW GREEN DEAL.
IT IS FITTING THAT MASSACHUSETTS
HAS DECIDED TO REUSE HIM.
OKLAHOMA SENATE RACE HAS BEEN
CALLED FOR GOP INCUMBENT AND
GLOBAL WARMING DENIER JIM INHOFF
WHO WAS HEAVILY FAVORED TO HIM.
HE WASN'T SUITING THE OUTCOME.
HE WAS SWEATING BECAUSE EVERY
YEAR IT'S WARMER THAN THE
PREVIOUS ONE.
IN THE SENATE RACE FOR THE
TENNESSEE SENATE SEAT HELD TO
REPLACE THE RETIRING LA RAR
ALEXANDER, BILL HAGGERTY HAS
DEFEATED BRADSHAW WHO HAD THE
ENDORSEMENT OF JOHNNY KNOXVILLE.
NOW THAT SHE'S DEFEATED, SHE
WILL BE STUFFED IN A SHOPPING
CART AND ROLLED THROUGH A CAR
WASH.
SHELLY MOORE HAS DEFEATED PAULA
JEAN SWEARINGIN WHO WON'T BE
SWEARING IN.
AND THIS IS A BIG ONE.
THIS IS AN ACTUAL BIG ONE WITH A
GREEN CHECK NEXT TO IT, RIGHT?
OUT IN COLORADO, SENATOR COREY
GARDENER HAS LOST TO DEMOCRATIC
CHALLENGER JOHN HECKENLOOPER.
HE WAS IS MAYOR OF DENVER
COLORADO, FOUNDER OF THE THE
FIRST BREW CUP AND CREATOR AND
STAR OF THE SHOW HECKENLOOPER.
IN ALABAMA, REPUBLICAN TOM MI
TY THE
UPP
UPP
UPPERVILLE HAS UNSEATED DOUG
JONES.
DOUG JONES LOST TO TOMMY
TUBERVILLE.
DO I SWITCH CAMERAS?
DO I STAY HERE.
I STAY RIGHT HERE AND WE JUST
DRIVE THE TRAIN, RIGHT?
JUST KEEP DRIVING THE TRAIN.
SPEAKING OF KNOWING THINGS, I'VE
PUT MY PHONE ON MUTE SO I DON'T
KNOW THINGS.
THE ONE THING WE DO KNOW IS THAT
DONALD TRUMP IS DEFINITELY GOING
TO LOSE BLACK VOTERS TONIGHT.
HERE WITH HIS THOUGHTS ON WHY IT
I
IS.
> > WHAT'S HAPPENING?
> > NOT MUCH.
ELECTION.
YOU ARE NO STRANGER TO ELECTION
NIGHT SPECIALS.
IN 2016 YOU WERE ON THIS SHOW
WHEN TRUMP WON.
AND YOU SAID THIS.
> > CONGRATULATIONS, AMERICA.
YOU FUCKED THIS ONE UP.
> > SOMEBODY WAS RIGHT.
THAT WAS ME.
> > THAT WAS TRUE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
THERE ARE NO COMMERCIAL BREAKS
HERE SO WHILE I GO CHECK OUT
WHAT NEXT IS COMING DOWN THE
PIPE FOR THE ELECTION, WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE A MINUTE TO TALK ABOUT
WHAT THAT FUCK UP FROM FOUR
YEARS AGO MEANT FOR ALL OF US,
AND I'LL BE BACK IN JUST A
MINUTE.
IT'S YOURS, BUDDY.
> > THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
GOT TO MAKE SURE HE'S REALLY
DONE, THOUGH.
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
LORD OF THE RINGS SUCKS!
OH, YEAH.
HE'S REALLY GONE.
HELLO, AMERICA.
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME THE FIRST
TIME?
LET ME REMIND YOU HOW TRUMP SOLD
HIMSELF TO BLACK VOTERS IN 2016.
PAY ATTENTION, PLEASE.
> > WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO
LOSE?
TO THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
COMMUNITY, I SAY, WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
VOTE FOR ME.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE TO
LOSE?
> > WELL, IT TURNS OUT A LOT.
OKAY?
IN FACT, I MADE A LIST.
> > LIST OF THINGS WE HAD TO
LOSE.
> > NUMBER ONE, VOTING RIGHTS.
I'M TALKING VOTER ID LAWS,
PERJING VOTER ROLLS, LONG LINES
AND PREDOMINANTLY BLACK
DISTRICTS IN GEORGIA SOME VOTERS
EXPERIENCED WAIT TIMES OF UP TO
FIVE HOURS.
MEANWHILE, FOR ONE WHITE LADY,
THEY PUT A BALLOT BOX ON THE
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION.
AT THIS POINT, YOU COULD GO BACK
TO SCHOOL, GET A DEGREE, GO
THROUGH ASTRONAUT TRAINING AND
STILL VOTE FASTER THAN A BROTHER
IN MA CON.
TRUMP HAS BEEN EVERYTHING HE CAN
TO UNDERMINE THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT.
OF COURSE HE DISLIKES OBAMACARE.
IT IS A COMBO OF THE TWO THINGS
HE HATES THE MOST: OBAMA AND
CARING.
NUMBER THREE, CHADWICK BOSEMAN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M BLAMING TRUMP FOR THAT.
HE COULD TAKE THE BLAME FOR THE
DEATH OF THE BLACK PANTHER.
ALSO, I'M HOLDING HIM PERSONALLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOSS OF
ARETHA FRANKLIN AND KANYE WEST.
I MEAN, KANYE DIDN'T DIE, BUT HE
IS CERTAINLY LOST.
SPEAKING OF DYING, ANOTHER THING
WE LOST, OUR FUCKING LIVES.
THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC GOING
ON.
FUN FACT, BLACK PEOPLE ARE
DISPROPORTIONATELY AFFECTED BY
CORONAVIRUS.
THIS IS SO TYPICAL.
WHEN AMERICA GETS A COLD, BLACK
PEOPLE GET CORONAVIRUS, THEN
AMERICA TAKES AWAY THEIR HEALTH
INSURANCE.
YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?
ME.
IT WAS ME.
ALL RIGHT.
A BLACK PERSON CAN'T QUOTE
THEMSELVES.
TELL ME WHAT ELSE AM I NOT
ALLOWED TO DO, YOU RACIST.
NUMBER TEN, MOVIES.
UNDER TRUMP, THEY GAVE THE OSCAR
TO "GREEN BOOK."
DO YOU KNOW HOW BLACK PEOPLE
FELT ABOUT GREEN BOOK?
ME NEITHER.
WE DIDN'T WATCH.
BUT IT IS NO SURPRISE.
AMERICA HAS ALWAYS IGNORED BLACK
PEOPLE IN FAVOR OF GREEN.
AND FINALLY, NUMBER 11, MY TIME.
SEE, I SUPPORT BLACK LIVES
MATTER.
BUT ALL THAT MARCHING TAKES
TIME.
ONCE WE'RE FINISHING CONVINCING
WHITE AMERICA WE ARE INDEED
HUMAN BEINGS, IT WOULD BE NICE
TO DO THINGS HUMAN BEINGS ENJOY
LIKE JOGGING, THROWING A
BARBECUE OR GOING BIRD WATCHING
WITHOUT SOME NUT ASS KAREN
CALLING THE COPS.
> > LIST OF THINGS WE STILL HAVE
TO LOSE.
NUMBER ONE, ALL THE SHITI JUST
SAID BECAUSE AS BAD AS IT IS, IT
CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE.
TRUMP APPOINTED THREE SUPREME
COURT JUSTICES.
AND THE REPUBLICANS JUST GOT THE
LAST INFINITY STONE THEY NEED TO
TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING WE FOUGHT
WAR.
WE'RE ONE STEP AWAY FROM GREEN
BOOK 2.
TOO GREEN, TOO BOOK.
SPORTS.
DO YOU THINK TRUMP IS GOING TO
STOP AT KAEPERNICK?
IN FOUR YEARS, IT WILL BE A CAME
OF HORSE BETWEEN J.J. REDDICK
AND LUKA DONCIC.
THIS ONE ISN'T SOMETHING THAT
BLACK PEOPLE HAVE TO LOSE, IT IS
SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE TO LOSE.
OUR SOUL.
BLACK PEOPLE HAVE LONG BEEN THE
SOUL OF THIS COUNTRY BECAUSE WE
HAVE TO BELIEVE IN THE PROMISE
OF EQUALITY AND JUSTICE THAT
AMERICA PROVIDES.
JUST LIKE A BELIEF IN A HIGHER
POWER, FOR BLACK PEOPLE,
AMERICA'S PROMISE IS SOMETHING
THAT IS NOT VISIBLE, BUT WE HAVE
FAITH IN THAT PROMISE.
AND THAT FAITH IS A MOTTO FOR
ALL AMERICANS.
SO WE WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT AND
DEMAND TO BE TREATED EQUALLY IN
THIS COUNTRY, BUT WE CAN'T DO IT
FOREVER.
AND IF AMERICA LOSES ITS SOUL,
LORD HAVE MERCY, IT'S GAME OVER.
THE LAND WILL STILL EXIST, BUT
THE NOBLE HUMAN EXPERIENCE,
THAT'S A WRAP.
BUT I'M SURE IT WILL BE HEALED
BY THE RELEASE OF "GREEN BOOK
3."
TRUST ME, IT CAN AND SHOULD NOT
HAPPEN.
OKAY.
I'M BACK.
I DIDN'T CATCH ALL OF YOUR
PIECE, BUT DID YOU SAY THERE IS
A NEW "GREEN BOOK"?
I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
> > THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,
STEPHEN.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE.
> > SEE YOU A LITTLE BIT LATER.
ARE WE READY TO GO ON?
WHAT ARE WE DOING NOW?
IS THIS ELECTROMAP?
WE'RE DOING THE CIRCUS FIRST.
I THOUGHT I WAS DOING THAT
BEFORE.
YES.
DON'T SAY THE WORD VAMP.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE WE DON'T HAVE A
PLAN.
JOINING -- WE DON'T HAVE PLAN,
BUT DON'T SAY IT.
WE'RE PROFESSIONALS, GODDAMNIT.
JOINING ME BACK TO THE LATE
SHOW, MARK McKINNON AND JOHN
HILEMAN.
I REALIZE WE REALLY JUST BOOKED
YOUR HAT.
OH, LADY AND GENTLEMEN, THANK
YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
WELCOME BACK.
GOOD TO SEE ALL OF YOU AGAIN.
YOU WERE HERE IN 2016 WHEN THIS
WHOLE DIRTY, DIRTY BUSINESS
STARTED.
ARE YOU HAVING ANY FLASH BACKS?
> > WHEN YOU'RE SAYING I WAS
HERE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN EXACTLY
BY HERE?
> > YOU WERE ON OUR SHOWTIME
SPECIAL.
WE'RE ALL ON TV RIGHT NOW ON
SHOWTIME.
> > WE ARE.
THIS FEELS LIKE SOME VIRTUALLY
SPACE.
I FELT LIKE I WAS PHYSICALLY IN
YOUR PRESENCE ON ELECTION NIGHT.
> > I HAD AN OUT OF BODY
EXPERIENCE ON ELECTION NIGHT.
I WASN'T IN MY OWN PRESENCE ON
ELECTION NIGHT FOUR YEARS AGO.
> > I RECALL THAT.
YOU DID NOT HAVE FUN ON THAT
NIGHT.
> > AND YOU KICKING UP YOUR
HEELS
AND WHISTLING A HAPPY TUNE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
> > I WOULD SAY THAT FLASH BACKS
ARE NOT AN UNCOMMON OCCURRENCE
FOR ME IN GENERAL, BUT THE
FLASHBACKS I HAVE FROM THAT
NIGHT ARE PARTICULARLY
UNPLEASANT.
> > WHERE ARE YOU ALL RIGHT NOW
IN THE WORLD.
IS THIS LIKE THE STATE OF THE
UNION, YOU HAVE TO BE IN
DIFFERENT LOCATIONS TO KEEP THE
CHAIN OF CIRCUIT COMMAND GOING
IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS.
> > BECAUSE OF COVID, WE HAVE
ACTUALLY NEVER EVEN SEEN EACH
OTHER DURING THIS WHOLE RUN, BUT
ALSO WE WANT TO COVER THE
COUNTRY, AND WE HAVE 13
DIFFERENT PLACES RIGHT NOW.
I'M IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
ALEX, WHERE ARE YOU?
> > I'M CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED
TO BE IN HELL.
I'M ACTUALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA,
WHICH IS ONE OF THE SWINGIEST
PARTS OF A VERY SWING STATE THAT
EVERYBODY IS OBSESSED WITH, AND
IT LOOKS LIKE I WILL BE HERE
UNTIL 2021.
> > ALEX THINKS SHE'S IN HELL.
I'M IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA,
MAN.
YOU ARE IN LIKE PARADISE
COMPARED TO ME, WAGNER.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU ARE NUTS.
> > HE DOESN'T GET TO LEAVE AND
THERE IS HUMIDITY.
I THINK HE WINS THIS CONTEST.
> > CORRECT.
> > LET ME ASK YOU.
100 MILLION VOTES WERE CAST
BEFORE WE EVEN OPENED THE POLLS
OKAY.
WHO CAN YOU TELL SO FAR
BENEFITTED FROM THAT?
THEY SAID BIDEN, BUT IS THAT
PLAYING OUT?
> > I THINK SO.
I MEAN, I THINK WHEN WE HAVE --
IN STATES WHERE YOU ARE ALLOWED
TO TOUCH THOSE MAIL-IN BALLOTS
AND OPEN THEM AND TABULATE THEM
BEFORE ELECTION DAY, THE EARLY
VOTES ARE SWINGING TOWARDS
BIDEN.
IN MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN AND
PENNSYLVANIA, IT'S GOING TO BE
SLOW DOING AND WE'RE NOT GOING
TO KNOW EXACTLY, BUT THE
EXPECTATION IS THAT IT'S GOING
TO BENEFIT BIDEN.
> > MARK, DOES THIS FEEL ANY
DIFFERENT TO YOU THIS TIME
AROUND?
IT FEELS A LITTLE DIFFERENT TO
ME BECAUSE LAST TIME I HAD AN
AUDIENCE AND I WASN'T
BROADCASTING FROM A STORAGE ROOM
PRETENDING IT WAS AN OFFICE.
WHAT FEELS DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU,
ABOUT THIS TO YOU?
> > I'LL TELL YOU, WHAT'S
STRANGE
TO ME IS HOW MUCH IT FEELS LIKE
2016 ALL OF A SUDDEN.
I THINK FOR A WHILE -- I THINK
FOR A WHILE PEOPLE GOT
DISTRACTED FROM WHAT'S REALLY
GOING ON HERE.
A YEAR AGO WHEN DEMOCRATS WERE
STRIKE THAT
SAYING WHAT THEY NEEDED TO DO,
THEY NEEDED TO WIN BACK THE BLUE
WALL PERIOD.
SUDDENLY PEOPLE STARTED TALKING
ABOUT GEORGIA AND NORTH CAROLINA
AND FLORIDA.
IT WAS ALL THE FEVER DREAM, AND
IT'S COMING BACK TO EXACTLY WHAT
WE -- YOU KNOW, WHAT PEOPLE
THOUGHT A YEAR AGO, WHICH IS
IT'S GOING TO COME DOWN TO WHERE
ALEX IS AND WISCONSIN AND
MICHIGAN AND MAYBE ARIZONA.
> > ISN'T THAT -- ISN'T THAT WHY
THE DEMOCRATS WENT WITH JOE
BIDEN, REALLY, IS BECAUSE HE IS
THAT RUST BELT GUY?
> > YEAH.
HE'S SCRANTON JOE.
HE STARTED HIS CAMPAIGN IN
PITTSBURGH.
HE ENDED IT IN PITTSBURGH.
THIS IS THE SORT OF DNA OF
BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN.
THIS IS WHY HE'S AT THE TOP OF
THE TICKET AND NOW WE ARE SEEING
IT BEING BORN OUT IN THE
ELECTION ITSELF.
> > JOHN, YOU WERE ON THE SHOW
BEING INTERVIEWED BY ME WHEN
FLORIDA WAS CALLED FOUR YEARS
AGO.
THAT WAS A REMARKABLE -- THAT
WAS A REMARKABLE MOMENT.
> > YES.
> > WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
DOWN THERE?
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE THIS TIME?
FOUR YEARS LATER, WITH
EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED, THE
LAST THING I SAW THAT TRUMP WAS
LEADING BY MORE THAN HE WON LAST
TIME.
> > YEAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, STEPHEN,
FLORIDA IS GONNA FLORIDA.
THAT'S THE THING.
IT'S A MESS DOWN HERE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I'M IN PINELAS
COUNTY.
THIS COUNTY THAT WHOEVER WINS
THIS COUNTRY, A LOT OF SENIOR
CITIZENS HERE, INDEPENDENT
SENIOR CITIZENS.
THEY GO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN
THE PARTIES, WHOEVER WINS THIS
COUNTY WINS FLORIDA.
THAT'S HISTORICALLY BEEN TRUE
THROUGHOUT OUR LIFETIME WITH THE
EXCEPTION OF AL GORE.
ALTHOUGH SOME ARGUE THAT WAS
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE THAT
WON PINELAS COUNTY AND WON
FLORIDA.
JOE BIDEN WON PINELAS COUNTY AND
THEN DONALD TRUMP CRUSHED HIM IN
THE REST OF THE STATE.
FOR THE SIX CORE BATTLEGROUND
STATES THAT BOTH CAMPAIGNS
FOUGHT IN FOR A YEAR, THIS WAS
THE ONE THAT PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT
TRUMP HAD THE ENGINE MOSTLY OF
THE CORE SIX.
THIS IS THE ONE THAT WAS
CONSIDERED STRONGEST FOR TRUMP.
IT IS HIS ADOPTIVE HOME.
PEOPLE WERE MORE SURPRISED IN
2016, PEOPLE WERE GENERALLY MORE
SURPRISED THAT TRUMP COULD BE
PRESIDENT IN 2016 AND FLORIDA
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PLACE THAT
HILLARY CLINTON HAD LOCKED UP.
SO WE WERE ALL STUNNED ON THE
AIR WITH YOU NIGHT.
I REMEMBER YOUR AUDIENCE CRY IN.
BUT THIS TIME AROUND I THINK A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAD THE
EXPECTATION THAT THIS WAS A
PLACE TRUMP WOULD WIN, SO IT
CAME AS LESS OF A SURPRISE TO
PEOPLE TONIGHT THAT TRUMP IS
GOING TO WIN HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A
CARPET BAGGER HERE, RIGHT.
HE'S GOT A COUPLE GOLF COURSES
HERE.
PEOPLE LIKE HIM.
> > BUT HE CRUSHED IN MIAMI
DADE.
CUBAN AMERICANS, VENEZUELANS.
MAN, BIDEN IS A SOCIALIST
MESSAGE REALLY, REALLY PUNCHED
HIS LIGHTS OUT.
> > YES.
IT IS SURPRISING IN THE SENSE
THAT ONE OF THE STRENGTHS WAS
SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN, AND I
HAVEN'T SEEN ALL THE DEMOGRAPHIC
DATA, BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO
HAVE BEEN REPERFORMED BETTER
WITH SENIOR CITIZENS THAN TRUMP.
HE'S PERFORMED PRETTY WELL WITH
SENIORS HERE.
BUT TO MARK'S POINT WHAT TRUMP
HAS DONE IN FLORIDA IS USE THAT
SOCIALISM MESSAGE AND SOME OF
THE LAW AND ORDER STUFF TO
PENETRATE WITH THE LATINO VOTE
TO A POINT A LOT OF LIBERALS
COULD UNDERSTAND.
> > ALEX, I WANT TO -- YOU'RE IN
PENNSYLVANIA.
AS YOU SAID, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
THERE UNTIL THE SUNBURNS OUT TO
A CINDER.
AND EXPLAIN TO ME AND THE
AUDIENCE WHY THAT IS.
WHAT IS DIFFICULT ABOUT COUNTING
THE VOTES IN PENNSYLVANIA?
WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH TERRIBLE
RECOUNTS IN THE PATHS.
WHAT IS THE ORDER IN WHICH THESE
VOTES WILL BE TALLIED?
IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
> > YEAH.
WELL, SO, THEY HAVE A DEMOCRATIC
GOVERNOR AND A REPUBLICAN STATE
LEGISLATURE.
AND IT BASICALLY ENSURED THAT
MAIL-IN BALLOTS CANNOT BE
TOUCHED BEFORE ELECTION DAY.
THEY COULD OPEN THEM AT 7:00
P.
A.M., BUT THEY COULDN'T START
COUNTING THEM UNTIL THE POLLS
CLOSED.
IT'S ROOMS OF PEOPLE OPENING UP
ENVELOPES, UNFOLDING THE BALLOTS
AND COUNTING THEM.
AS OF RIGHT NOW, AS OF THIS
HOUR, THEY HAD OPENED ABOUT HALF
OF THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS THEY HAD
RECEIVED AND COUNTED ABOUT
ONE-EIGHTHS OF THEM.
THEY THINK IT WILL TAKE SEVERAL
DAYS.
AND THAT'S WORKING VERY FAST.
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
WORKING FAST, EATING COOKIES,
ANYTHING TO FUEL THEM THROUGH
THE PROCESS.
> > ARE THOSE MAIL-INS EXPECTED
TO GO TRUMP'S WAY OR BIDEN'S
WAY?
> > BIDEN'S WAY.
> > BIDEN'S WAY, OKAY.
> > BROADLY IS THAT THE MAIL-IN
BALLOTS FAVOR DEMOCRATS.
SO ONE OF THE REASONS EVERYBODY
NEEDS TO SIMMER DOWN AND HOLD ON
IS BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF
MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN WISCONSIN,
MICHIGAN AND PENNSYLVANIA.
MORE IN MICHIGAN THAN ANYWHERE
ELSE.
PENNSYLVANIA IS ABOUT 45%, 40%
OF THE STATE IS MAIL-IN BALLOTS
AND IT WILL TAKE TIME TO COUNT
THEM AND NONE OF THOSE BALLOTS
COULD HAVE BEEN COUNTED BEFORE
ELECTION DAY.
NOW THAT WE'RE DOWN TO THOSE
THREE DASTATES, WE HAVE TO WAIT
> > NOT CLEAR THAT DONALD TRUMP
IS GOING TO WAIT, THOUGH.
THAT'S THE QUESTION.
154.
WE HAVEN'T HAD TRUMP MAKE A
SPEECH YET CLAIMING VICTORY.
> > WE PROMISED THAT IF EITHER
CANDIDATES GIVE A SPEECH, WE
WILL NOT GO TO IT.
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED YET?
> > SOUND EDITORIAL JUDGMENT.
> > WHAT ABOUT THE SENATE?
DO THE DEMOCRATS STILL HAVE A
SHOT AT FLIPPING THAT?
LET'S SAY BIDEN WINS.
DO THEY GET THOSE THREE SEATS
THEY NEED?
> > COME ON.
GROW A PAIR.
YOU'RE NOT SWORN IN.
> > WELL, RIGHT NOW IT'S NETSO
ZERO.
WE DON'T KNOW.
> > WHEN DO YOU THINK WE WILL
KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS?
> > THURSDAY.
> > THERE IT IS.
IT'S THURSDAY, EVERYBODY.
THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS PHONE
CALL WILLING TO TAKE A STAND.
> > I WILL SAY TO YOUR POINT
THAT
IT LOOKS INCREASINGLY LIKE
REPUBLICANS MAY HOLD THE SENATE.
> > ALL RIGHT.
THERE IT IS.
WELL, ALEX WAGNER, JOHN AND
MARK, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AN HONOR TO SHARE THE SHOWTIME
WITH YOU AGAIN.
STAY SAFE.
STAY STERILE.
> > AS SOON AS NIGERIA COMES IN,
WE'LL HAVE A FINAL COUNT.
> > THAT WAS A GREAT PARADE
MONDAY.
THAT WAS A GREAT RALLY.
BYE, GUYS!
LET'S PUT UP THE ELECTORAL MAP
AND BREAK THIS DOWN.
SO THIS IS THE ELECTORAL MAP.
CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THIS?
CAN WE ROBO OVER?
THIS IS THE ELECTORAL MAP RIGHT
NOW.
AT FIRST FLUSH IT LOOKS A LOT
LIKE A MAP BECAUSE TECHNICALLY
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
THEY MOVED IT TO ARIZONA.
I WAS AGAINST IT.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT NEBRASKA.
SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH
NEBRASKA SECOND.
LET ME JUST -- THAT'S BROKEN.
THAT'S BROKEN.
LET'S MOVE ON.
ANYWAY, THAT'S A MAP.
THAT'S WHAT MAPS LOOK LIKE, IN
CASE YOU ARE WONDERING.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
ARE WE READY TO GO?
I WANT TO WARN OUR AFFILIATES
WE'RE GOING TO GO LONG.
LET'S FIND OUT.
HOW ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE,
HONEY?
YOU DON'T HAVE AN EAR PIECE.
YOU DIDN'T HEAR WHAT THE GUYS ON
"THE CIRCUS" HAD TO STAY.
HELLO, YOU THREE BEAUTIFUL
PEOPLE.
HOW ARE YOU?
> > ASK ME THAT IN THE MORNING.
> > YOU GUYS, I'M VERY HAPPY
THAT
YOU ARE HERE, BUT I HAVE TO TALK
WITH THESE GUYS FOR A SECOND
BECAUSE THEY WERE HERE FOUR
YEARS AGO.
HOW DOES THIS FEEL COMPARED TO
FOUR YEARS AGO?
HOW WOULD YOU STACK IT UP?
> > I HAVE AGED MANY DECADES IN
THE PAST FOUR YEARS, SO I'M
TRYING TO BE OPTIMISTIC.
TONIGHT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE IT IS
A BIG NIGHT FOR WOMAN WHO HAVE
ENTERED POLITICS.
IT'S ALSO THE ONLY NIGHT WE GET
TO SEE TRUMP CARE ABOUT MORE
THAN ONE RACE.
LOTS OF POSITIVES TONIGHT.
> > DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A
COCKTAIL?
DOES EVERYBODY HAVE A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO DRINK TONIGHT?
> > I'VE GOTTA TEQUILA BECAUSE
AFTER THIS ELECTION I'M GOING TO
LOSE A LOT OF AMIGOS.
> > I'VE GOT A MOSCOW MULE AND
DOUBLE FISTING.
I'VE GOT A WEIRD SCREWDRIVER.
JUST THE COLOR OF TRUMP'S FACE
MIXED WITH VODKA.
> > CAN YOU MAKE ME A VIRGIN
JUST
NEAT.
DON'T DROWN IT.
ON ELECTION NIGHT IN 2016, YOU
SAID IF DONALD TRUMP BECOMES
PRESIDENT, THERE WILL BE A LOT
MORE RACISM, SEXISM, CLASSISM.
HOW DOES IT FEEL LIKE TO BE
RIGHT?
> > I'M NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
I FIND IT FASCINATING THAT
DONALD TRUMP WAS LITERALLY AS
BAD AS EVERYBODY SAID HE WOULD
BE.
THERE IS ONE OTHER PERSON THAT
EXCEEDED OTHER EXPECTATIONS
PEOPLE HAD OF HIM.
AND THAT WAS LeBRON JAMES.
WE ARE ALL WITNESSES.
YET, THIS ELECTION IS STILL
CLOSE TONIGHT.
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
> > I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU MIGHT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE A POLL
WATCHER TODAY.
GOOD FOR YOU.
THAT'S A LOVELY THING TO HAVE
DONE.
> > I CAME FROM CALIFORNIA TO
NEVADA TO BE A POLL WATCHER WITH
THE NEVADA DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
AND IN THE TRAINING THEY SAID BE
ON THE LOOKOUT FOR ANY
REPUBLICANS WHO MIGHT SHOW UP
WITH GUNS.
I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO WE GET,
WHISTLES?
I GOT NOTHING.
MY JOB, STEPHEN, IT WAS ACTUALLY
ONE OF THE MOST BORING JOBS IN
THE WORLD.
MY JOB WAS TO TIME THE GUY FROM
THE END OF THE LINE TO THE FRONT
OF THE LINE, WHICH WOULD TAKE
ABOUT TWO HOURS.
I FELT LIKE A COACH FOR A TRACK
TEAM THAT WAS JUST REALLY SLOW,
AND AT THE END OF THE TRACK RACE
ALL THEY GET IS A STICKER AND
MAYBE A NEW PRESIDENT.
I DON'T KNOW.
> > MAYBE.
MAYBE.
JENNA, FOUR YEARS AGO, YOU
EXPRESSED IN A VERY PITHY WAY
THAT I WON'T NECESSARILY REPEAT
THAT YOU WERE WORRIED AFTER IT
TURNED OUT THAT DONALD TRUMP WAS
GOING TO BE PRESIDENT ABOUT THE
STATE OF WOMEN'S REPRODUCTIVE
RIGHTS, SHALL WE SAY.
AND FOUR YEARS LATER, HOW -- HOW
DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE STATE OF
THOSE RIGHTS FOR WOMEN?
> > I FEEL MOST SCARED FOR OUR
DAUGHTERS, THE ONES WE'RE GOING
TO BE FORCED TO HAVE.
I'M TRYING NOT TO BE AS CRASS AS
I WAS LAST TIME.
> > YOU WERE CRASS.
YOU WERE HONEST.
IT IS ONE OF THE FEW LINES I
REMEMBER.
> > IT'S COOL THAT AMY CONEY
BARRETT IS SO PRO LIFE.
LIFE NEEDS HEALTH CARE.
THAT'S ENCOURAGING.
NO, IT'S NOT.
I MEAN, IT'S SAD.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS CAN GET
PLAN B ONLINE AND PLAN C YOU
SHOULD ALL GET THAT.
IT IS CALLED MOVING TO CANADA.
CHECK THAT OUT.
> > OKAY.
> > DONALD TRUMP MADE A BIG PUSH
FOR BLACK MEN THIS TIME AROUND.
HOW DO YOU THINK THAT OUTREACH
WENT?
> > YOU KNOW, I'M SURE HE
CAPTURED A FEW.
BUT BLACK MEN ARE THE SECOND
LARGEST VOTING BLOCK OF
DEMOCRATS, SO I DOUBT HE
CAPTURED ENOUGH TO MAKE A
DIFFERENCE.
THEY HAD ADS DIRECT ED TOWARDS
BLACK MEN.
IT WAS POWERFUL.
> > WHAT WAS POWERFUL ABOUT IT?
> > THE ONES HIGHLIGHTING JOE
BIDEN'S RECORD.
HE IS ONE OF THE ARCHITECTS OF
THE WAR ON DRUGS AND
INCARCERATION IN THIS COUNTRY.
YOU CAN'T LOOK PASTED THAT.
IF YOU ARE A BLACK MAN AND YOU
ARE MADE AWAY OF THESE THINGS
BIDEN HAS DONE AND TRUMP IS
CALLING HIM OUT ON THAT AND
SAYING HE WILL DO THE OPPOSITE
OF THAT.
I CAN HANDLE THAT.
BUT THE FASCISM THAT TRUMP
BRINGS, I CAN'T HANDLE.
EVEN THOUGH BIDEN RUINED BLACK
COMMUNITIES IN THE PAST, TRUMP
WHAT HE'S IMPLEMENTING NOW WOULD
ROW WIN US MORE IN THE FUTURE, I
BELIEVE.
> > IT'S SORT OF A RELATED
QUESTION.
MAZ, MANY IRANIAN IMMIGRANTS TO
THE UNITED STATES HAVE SUPPORTED
THE PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE IRANIAN DESCENT.
WHY DO YOU THINK IN LIGHT OF THE
MUSLIM BAN WHICH HE IMPLEMENTED
AFTER THE COURTS SAID HE
COULDN'T, WHAT IS THE REASONING
BEHIND THAT SUPPORT, DO YOU
THINK?
> > I THINK A LOT OF IRANIAN
IMMIGRANTS THINK HE WILL GET RID
OF THE IRANIAN GOVERNMENT.
BUT THERE IS NO PLAN THERE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WAS
PLAYING SOCCER ONE TIME AND THIS
PERSON GOES, I'M A BIG FAN, BUT
PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF TRUMP.
I SAID WHY?
HE SAID HE'S GOING TO GET RID OF
THE MUSLIMS.
I WAS LIKE WHY?
HE'S LIKE, HE'S FUCKING CRAZY.
WE'RE AT A POINT WHERE A LOT OF
THESE GUYS HAVE DONE THAT.
A LOT OF THESE GUYS HAVE GONE
DOWN THE QANON RABBIT HOLE.
I HAVE BECOME A POLITICAL
SCIENCE TEACHER FOR AN ONLINE
COLLEGE.
AD THEY COME TO ME WITH ALL
THEIR WHACKY IDEAS.
THEY CAME AT ME WHEN HBO MAX
TOOK OFF THE "GONE WITH THE
WIND."
I GO, WHEN DID YOU BECOME A
CINCI
CINEPHILE?
THEY THINK CANCEL CULTURE.
> > I SEE.
> > THEY WERE LIKE WHAT ABOUT
CANCEL CULTURE?
WHAT ABOUT JOE BIDEN.
EDUCATE YOURSELF.
LIKE YOU SAID, THE TRAVEL BAN,
THE SANCTIONS THE PEOPLE OF IRAN
ARE SUFFERING UNDER.
SO I DON'T KNOW.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I JUST CONTINUE TO DRINK.
> > IT'S SO DARK THAT --
> > PLEASE.
> > IT'S SO CRAZY THAT YOU HAVE
TO DRESS YOUR DOG AS AN ICONIC
SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.
I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS.
I'M JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE
MOOD.
> > OH.
LOOK AT RBG.
SHE'S ADORABLE.
> > JENNA, FOUR YEARS AGO, I
ASKED YOU WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO
DO NOW THAT TRUMP IS PRESIDENT.
AND YOU SAID I'M GOING TO
PORTUGAL.
> > I HAD A GIG IN PORTUGAL.
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE THIS
TIME.
> > WAIT A SECOND.
YOU HAD A GIG IN PORTUGAL?
YOU WERE PLAYING A COMEDY CLUB
THERE?
> > NO.
IT WAS LIKE A TECH EVENT, AND I
WAS PERFORMING AT IT FOR, YOU
KNOW, TECH KIDS.
> > SO ARE YOU GOING TO GO
ANYWHERE TOMORROW?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO GO BACK
TO PORTUGAL?
> > I AM STAYING PUT.
AND WHEN I DO LEAVE THE HOUSE, I
WEAR A MASK.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S LIKE
CONTROVERSIAL.
> > I'M SORRY.
I FORGET.
WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE
ANYMORE.
> > AS THE NIGHT WINDS DOWN, ANY
FINAL THOUGHTS?
ANYTHING TO LEAVE US WITH?
> > I GUESS MY FINAL THOUGHT IS,
YOU KNOW, SIMPLE.
YOU KNOW, THIS ADMINISTRATION,
THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS
SHOWED US WHO THEY ARE.
THE QUESTION IS WILL AMERICA
CONTINUE TO LET THEM BE AND WILL
AMERICA CONTINUE TO LET ANY OF
THIS BE?
LIKE WE HAVE TO BE THE CHANGE
THAT WE WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD
AND REGARDLESS OF WHO WINS
TONIGHT, I HAVE WORK TO DO.
I WILL KEEP JOB CREATING AND
DEALING WITH POLITICS ON A LOCAL
LEVEL.
IF BIDEN/HARRIS WIN, I'M ON
THEIR ASS IMMEDIATELY.
ALL THESE PROMISES MADE DURING
THIS CAMPAIGN, ALL THE CRIME
BILLS BIDEN IMPLEMENTED, HE HAS
TO ATONE FOR THAT.
IF WE GET THEM TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, WE HAVE CLEAR DEMANDS TO
BE MET AND I WILL BE HOLDING
DEMOCRATS ACCOUNTABLE TO MAKE
SURE THEY MAKE THOSE PROMISES.
> > THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING
HERE.
> > THANK YOU.
> > AND STAY SAFE.
BYE, POTATO.
> > ALL RIGHT.
HOPEFULLY WE'RE HAPPY TOMORROW.
> > I HOPE SO.
THOUGH, IT MAY NOT BE FOR A FEW
DAYS.
ARE WE GOING ON TO OUR FRIENDS?
> > YEAH.
> > TWO OTHER NETWORKS, ONE OF
WHICH IS NOT CBS.
AND JUST BY THE INDICATION OF
YOUR FACE, TELL ME HOW IT'S BEEN
CALLED.
OH, BOY.
SURE.
GIVE ME THE OHIO CARD.
WHY NOT.
WE HAVE A CALL.
WE HAVE A CALL COMING IN.
THANK YOU, SQUIRE.
OKAY.
THIS IS THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
IT'S IN THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE,
OKAY.
SO SEE THE MAP UP THERE?
THAT'S CBS' MAP, AND IT DOESN'T
HAVE THIS, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO
SAY.
OKAY.
I MIGHT GET A SHARPIE OUT AND
JUST COLOR IT IN.
NOT-CBS IS READY TO CALL OHIO,
HAS JUST BEEN CALLED FOR DONALD
TRUMP.
IT'S GONE FROM THE BUCKEYE STATE
TO THE FUCK WHY STATE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?
IT'S THE SAME SOLID JUDGMENT
THAT TOOK A PERFECTLY GOOD BOWL
OF CHILI AND SAID, YOU KNOW WHAT
THIS NEEDS?
SPAGHETTI.
WHAT'S ROUND AT BOTH ENDS AND
FUCKED IN THE HEAD?
OHIO.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WOULD LOVE SOME MUSIC.
SOME MUSIC WOULD BE LOVELY.
LET'S -- HI!
HOW ARE YOU?
KEEP IT LIGHT.
LATE SHOW.
OKAY.
AM I STANDING UP FOR THIS?
OR AM I GOING IT HERE?
ARE WE STILL ON THE AIR?
WE'RE PASSED MIDNIGHT.
WHAT DID WE PUSH?
WHAT DO WE PUSH?
A RERUN OF HOMELAND OR
SOMETHING?
WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON NOW
THAT IS NOT ON BECAUSE I'M DOING
THIS?
I WANT AN ANSWER.
> > OUR CARTOON PRESIDENT.
AND NOW -- HEY, THEY MIGHT GET
ANOTHER SEASON.
AND NOW, DEBUTING THEIR NEW
SONG, GENERATION A, INSPIRED BY
THE CURRENT CLIMATE OF THE
COUNTRY WITH A HOPEFUL MESSAGE
TO THE YOUTHS, ARCADE FIRE.
> > THIS IS GENERATION X, AND
WE'RE NOT GOING TO WAIT!
THEY SAY WAIT A LITTLE LONGER
AND THE TIMES ARE GONNA
CHANGE
THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW
YESTERDAY IS ALWAYS STRANGE
THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
OLDER
AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
THEY SAID THE GENERATION IS
COMING
AND I DON'T THINK THEY
UNDERSTAND THAT I AM NOT A
PATIENT MAN NOTE
WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
THEY SAY WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
READY
WAIT UNTIL YOUR NUMBER IS
CALLED
THEY SAY, WAIT, ALL WE NEED
IS LOVE
BUT CALIFORNIA IS BURNING
NEW ORLEANS IS WADING FOR THE
FLOOD
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
YOU THINK THEY COULD TAKE US
CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
THEY SAY THE SUMMER OF LOVE
NO THEY SAY THE SUMMER OF LO
CITIES BURNING
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
DO YOU THINK THEY CAN TAKE US
I CAN'T WAIT
I CAN'T WAIT
IT'S TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.
> > ARCADE FIRE, EVERYBODY.
WELL, FOLKS.
LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE REACHED THE
END OF THE SHOW, AND WE STILL
DON'T KNOW WHO WON.
WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
FOR SO LONG.
IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS EVE AND NOT
JUST BECAUSE OF THE JUDGMENTAL
FAT GUY WITH THE RED HAT BUT
BECAUSE WE'RE ALL UP LATE
WONDERING IF WE'RE BEGINNING TO
GET THE PRESENT WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR, A BORING PRESIDENT.
LIKE YOU, I'M EXHAUSTED.
NOT JUST FROM TONIGHT.
ALTHOUGH, YEAH.
BUT FROM THE PAST FOUR YEARS, I
HAVE BEEN ON HIGH ALERT SINCE
EARLY IN THE MORNING NOVEMBER
9th OF 2016.
NOW, MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS WITHIN
NORMAL RANGE FOR A TRUCK TIRE.
YOU COULD ROLL MY AORTA OVER A
GRAVEL ROAD, I WOULDN'T FEEL A
BUMP.
WE HAVE BEEN HOVERING OVER IN
THE RED ZONE.
AND EVERY TIME YOU THINK YOU CAN
TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF THE GAS, A
CARAVAN OF TRUMP TRUCKS TRIES TO
RUN YOU OFF THE ROAD.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS.
I WILL.
NOW I WILL SAY SOMETHING C
CONTROVER
CONTROVERSIAL.
IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD THING WE
DON'T KNOW WHO WON YET.
STOP THAT!
YOU DON'T EXIST.
STOP IT.
THE TRUTH IS THE REASON IT'S
TAKING SO LONG TO DECLARE A
WINNER IS BECAUSE WE'VE HAD SUCH
A MASSIVE VOTER TURNOUT.
GOING INTO TONIGHT, MANY WERE
PREDICTING THE HIGHEST RATE OF
VOTER TURNOUT SINCE 1908.
THAT WAS A CLOSE RACE, BUT
WILLIAM TAFT WON IN THE
POST-ELECTION WEIGH OFF.
MILLIONS OF YOU BRAVED THE
PANDEMIC, AN ARMY OF POLL
WATCHERS, EVEN THE POST OFFICE
JUST TO MAKE SURE YOU GOT TO
VOTEMENT AND EACH ONE OF THOSE
BALLOTS DESERVES TO BE COUNTED
WHETHER THEY ARE VOTES FOR
BIDEN, TRUMP OR A WRITE-IN VOTE
FOR BOOBS, BOOBS, BOOBS.
MANY OF YOU WAITED FOR HOURS TO
MAKE YOUR VOICES HEARD.
WE CAN ALL WAIT JUST A LITTLE
BIT LONGER.
BUT WE DESERVE SOME SMALL TASTE
OF THAT SATISFACTION WE CRAVE.
IN CLOSING TONIGHT, PLEASE ENJOY
THIS BRIEF MONTAGE OF THINGS
THAT FEEL AS SATISFYING AS YOU
WANT THIS TO.
> > AND NOW, THINGS THAT FEEL AS
SATISFYING AS YOU WANT THIS.
> > WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW,
AMERICA, ON CBS.
GOOD NIGHT!