Stay Away from Me (2013) - full transcript

Please stand.

Lord, bless these wedding rings.

May the newlyweds who wear them
safeguard their fidelity,

abide by Thy will and peace,

and live forever in reciprocal love.

I, Guido,

-Take thee, Monica…
-Who the fuck is Monica?

Who the fuck is Monica?

What's wrong?

Guido, you said "Monica"?

No, I said "Silvia".



-Did I say "Monica"?
-Yes.

-Sorry.
-Sorry?

It's the nerves.

Let's do it again.

We'll do this again?

-Wait…
-Silvia.

Thanks.

Wait, Silvia!

According to a rough calculation,
at this precise moment in Rome…

I thought you'd given up?

Just one, after coffee.

Fifteen thousand 766 couples are arguing.

-That's your fourth attempt?
-You park it then?

It's been like that
since the time of Adam and Eve.



It's inevitable.
Put a man and a woman together

and you can be sure
that sooner or later there'll be friction.

-It's my sister's birthday.
-I've got football.

And friction leads to problems,
and problems to arguments,

and arguments to fights.

Sometimes the crisis arrives
before the wedding vows.

At that point it takes a miracle
to save the marriage.

Or someone capable of saving it.

And here I am.

First name: Jacopo. Surname: Leone.

Profession: marriage counselor.

In my career,
I have prevented 80 divorces,

twelve suicides
and a couple of castrations.

Monica's doing the catering,
it was a slip of the tongue.

She's elderly! You're a pervert?

All we've talked about lately
is the wedding reception.

"Call Monica,

we have to discuss the caviar canapes,
the coconut wedding favors".

In my job, love is an exact science.

You have to know the rules and apply them.

You're a pervert and you're blaming me?

Then, of course…
Desperate times, drastic measures.

-Say something.
-With what we're paying her…

-Dad's paying her?
-With what Dad's paying her…

She's right.

You're a pig.

What, a pig?

A pig. Do you need an equivalent?

Swine, lecher, rogue, pervert.

Thank goodness we're in church

or I could say worse.

Let's be honest, Guido.

You're having fun
with the lady doing the catering…

-An old woman?
-The old woman doing the catering,

and you're trying to make out…

-Silvia?
-That Silvia is stupid?

Do me a favour.
I'd walk out if I were you.

Don't be stupid,
it was a slip of the tongue.

-You're the woman of my life.
-You don't deserve a woman like her.

It's not true, you know that.
How many times have I sworn?

-Wait.
-Don't be like that.

You'll make it worse. They all say that.

Trust me.

-Come on!
-You're hurting me!

-Silvia, I love you.
-Leave him alone!

I'm sorry.

-Sweetie pie.
-Sweetie pie.

That's another one solved.

There's nothing nicer
than making a woman happy.

Pity it's always someone else's woman.

If he hadn't married her,
I'd have gone to his home…

-Well done!
-Thank you.

-I was only doing my job.
-Well done.

-Goodbye.
-Aren't you coming to the meal?

-I can't.
-You must. My daughter wants you to.

I'd love to come, but I can't.

Rice?

Rice?

Yes, please.

Well?

-What?
-The reception?

-Yes, I said I'd come.
-He's coming!

Will you stop it with that rice?

-Sorry, I was told to throw it.
-They're still in church.

You're right. Here.

You throw it.

You're Natasha, right?

I'm really pleased you came.

I'll see you when I get back
from my honeymoon.

I'll take a photo and post it
on Facebook. You're really cute.

-My wife…
-Darling!

I'll see you later.

I'll give it six months.

Sorry?

You did a great job.

But if a marriage doesn't work…

Can't you repair it when it doesn't work?

It depends on the structure.

If there are no foundations
or load-bearing walls,

you can't build on it,
it will all collapse.

Engineer?

Architect.

-Jacopo.
-Sara.

Pleased to meet you.

I think you counselors
should have a code of conduct.

You shouldn't help every couple.

That's interesting.

How do you know
when a couple isn't going to last?

You can tell.

An example?

Look.

That blonde girl near the window.

She's too pretty to be so sad.

He never talks to her.

They won't go very far.

Let's see if I get the idea.

Let's see…

There?

See that couple there?

He's a really nice person,

whereas she's
an industrial sized pain in the arse.

-Industrial sized?
-You can tell.

That "pain in the arse" is my friend.

I didn't mean to offend you.

It's not a problem.
Anyway, Sofia's single.

-Sofia…
-What about you?

I'm Jacopo.

I get it? Yes, I'm single.
Extremely single!

-Why?
-I could introduce you to her.

I'd rather not, thank you.

Here's the man who saved my wedding day.

Listen. My friend
has been engaged for eight years,

and they've been having
problems for nine. Talk to her.

-Well?
-Who, him?

-He's the classical crypto-gay.
-They're all gay for you.

I'm sorry you're having problems.

Come to my office.

I'll give you my card
when I get them printed.

There's a graduation party…

Sara was beautiful.
If I'd been a normal person,

I would have run after her
and asked for her number.

But I couldn't.

All because of my curse.

Yes, that's right.

It all started with Lauretta.
I was the only Zorro invited to her party.

It could have been a great love story.

Fire!

But it turned out to be a burning issue.

Then it was Stefania's turn.

I was ready for my first kiss.

I was so excited.

I really wanted to make a splash.

But she made it instead.

Stefania!

-Don't forget, Jacopo.
-Behave yourselves.

At first I thought it was
the girls who attracted trouble.

But with Giulia
I finally realised the scorching truth.

For my girlfriends
I was like a ladder, a broken mirror,

Friday the 13th, spilt salt…

In short, I was a jinx!

The only good side to it,
among those disasters I met Fabrizio,

my best friend.

She's allergic to your saliva.

There's nothing wrong with it.

Ok…

Seven more cases
and we'll name the ward after you.

He's joking. Quiet!

-I didn't catch that. What was it?
-I don't know.

Yes?

I get it! She said you're an amoeba.

I know you, you're too lazy.

Take her out: to the cinema,
theater, for a pizza.

No!

-Doesn't she like pizza?
-Yes, with mushrooms.

-Chinese food?
-No!

No Chinese food.

Look, she's trying to say:

"You're a shit,

get lost!"

Darling, what do you mean?

Lots of women would pay
a fortune for those lips.

Fuck off!

I see.

Love for me became
merely a professional matter.

If I didn't chase after her,
it was for her own good.

So we all got back to our own lives.

That's enough!

You can't do anything right!

I can't bear to look at this!

It's terrible. There's no place
for you here anymore.

-I hate Lorenza Bra.
-So do I.

I've two MA's and I'm gluing
trees onto a scale model.

-Imagine being her assistant then.
-Well…

Come on.

Precisely.

Sara, in my office.

I've tried my best, believe me,

to keep that useless Anna here with us,

but mediocrity
has triumphed yet again. So…

I'm sorry.

I didn't ask for your opinion.

My son called from Verona.
We have a contract for a big project.

A new Infant Jesus church.

So, though reluctantly,

I'm forced to appoint a new assistant.

You.

So it won't be easy,

but we can succeed.

Ma'am, your husband
has a dominant personality

that has crushed yours for years.

You have to bring out all the anger

you have stored up
inside you over the years.

She's not able to!

Ignore him. Trust me.

Open up now

and free yourself. Ok?

Just say exactly
what you think of your husband.

Come on.

You can be very unfair sometimes.

What?

Unfair.

Good.

A bit more.

And even a bit of an…

idiot.

Perfect.

A bit more.

Stupid.

Think of all the times
he has been disrespectful.

Overbearing.

He always wanted his own way.

Moron.

Idiot.

Asshole.

You've no fucking idea.

In fact, you've never
fucking understood me!

What's there to understand?

What?

I should have understood you were a shit!

A useless shit!

I should have realised
straight away you were a shit!

You disgust me!

Ma'am…

Very good.

A little more gently. A little less…

Right.

Doctor, you're quite right.

I'm sorry.

Just a little less.

Shit!

If you tell me
about your slutty secretary again,

I'll bust your ass! Have you got that?

Perfect. That's just fine.

Your hour is up. We'll carry on next week.

-You stink!
-No, I don't.

You know, doctor, he stinks.

Doctor, are you sure
this therapy will work?

-Get a move on, you idiot. Bye.
-Goodbye.

I don't stink.

Let's go, you moron.

Let's see who's next.

Renzetti.

This is where you perform miracles then?

Are you OK?

Yes.

Yes. Hi.

I've thought about you
over the last few days.

Good.

I wondered whether it was right
to come here or not.

Well, you did well
to follow your instinct.

-You know what?
-We're in deep trouble.

Help us!

If they appeal, we'll pull out
the report and send them to jail.

Hello, I'm Giordano.
I didn't mean you, sir.

Hang up!

Forgive me, I have to go,
I'm in a meeting.

I'll call you as soon as I've finished.

I have a hearing in court in an hour.

Can we get started?

Come on!

Nice man.

We've been together five years
and do you know why he won't move in?

-I live too far from the courts.
-It's a five-minute walk from my home.

-How are you, my dear Spartaco?
-He's always on the phone.

He's never off the phone.

Always with clients.

We used to talk a lot,
he'd tell me about his work,

about his worries,
he'd tell me about his life.

And he'd devour me with his eyes.

Yes, just like that.

What were we saying?

-All you think about is work.
-I do? You live for yours!

Now that things aren't going well

she's remembered she has a boyfriend.

I didn't get that.

Say that again.

That's a lie. I've just been
offered an important job at work.

An important job offer? I can imagine…

Don't piss me off!

Forgive me.

A technical question.

Do you make love very often?

-Yes.
-No.

What?

Well, often… let's say within the average.

The average of his clients serving life.

That's still an average.

The lawyer's not available.
He's just been arrested!

Give that back! That's enough, Sara!

That's enough!

-Giordano, where are you going?
-I'm leaving.

When you've decided what to do
when you grow up, call me. Or text me.

Spartaco, I told you to stay home.

You're under house arrest!

He's gone.

I'm sorry.

No, I mean it, I'm sorry.

What does a counselor suggest
when there's a sudden break-up?

First rule of a good marriage counselor:

never go out with a patient.

Never.

What are you doing this evening?

This is it.

This is just what you need.

To throw myself off?

To get things off your chest. Come here.

It's easy.

-Your turn.
-What do I say?

Anything you want.

My boyfriend is an asshole!

-How's that?
-You were right, I do feel better.

-Well done. Try again.
-Right.

Wait…

I want to be a lesbian!

Don't take aim.

Don't take aim!

Yeah!

Don't rejoice. I hate losing.

Watch this.

I want some sex!

I told you I hate losing.

Yes, all right, but…

God, it's so late!

Sofia, it's really late.

What do I care? I'm on holiday.

I need help. I argued with Giordano
yesterday and screwed another guy.

-What a slut!
-Quiet, he's in there.

I've never done a thing like that before.

Yeah, OK, that's what they all say.

I have to get to the office,
the people from Verona are coming.

What are you doing here?

You were sneaking away?

No. That is, I was.

I mean… I have an appointment.

And I didn't want to disturb you.

What about you?

-Where were you going?
-No.

-What?
-No!

I have an appointment too. I didn't want…

Disturb me, yes.

-What's up?
-I have a pair just like it.

You know, in the rush…

We've a lot in common:
work commitments, underwear…

A fear of being tied down.

Shall we have breakfast?

No strings attached.

-I'm late.
-Forget I said anything.

Perhaps we can have dinner.

Great!

I'll call you later.

Bye.

Bye.

This evening…

I can't wait until then.

Hello.

Turano Street. I'm in a hurry.

Pe… perfect.

Tu… Turano Street.

Address unknown. Please repeat.

Tu… Turano Street.

Turturano Street.
If the address is correct, say yes.

Go f… fu… fuc…

Address unknown. Please repeat.

I know where it is.
I can guide you if you want.

-No, I've got a sa… sa…
-Sat Nav.

-I see.
-To…

Turano Street.

No, I ha… have to… say it.

I can't afford to waste
any more time. I'm getting out.

There's a bus coming.

Car door open.

Did she walk into the door?

I reckon.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

This is a nightmare!

It depends how you look at it.

Being stuck in a lift
with a pretty woman is my dream.

-Stop it, I'm not sleeping with you.
-I didn't expect that much.

I'm sorry, what have I said?

I'm sorry.

There's hope then?

Only joking.

What a day…

And nothing works!

Is anyone around?

I am.

Do whatever you want with me.

-Leg up.
-Please.

Crikey!

I've got big bones.

And stiletto heels.

Monsignor…

Mom…

The quality of a wine
starts in the vineyard.

A sommelier needs three trusty friends:

sight,

smell…

and taste.

This wine's revolting…

You didn't expect a Barolo '67
for your first lesson?

No, but it puts you off signing up.

What does it matter?

Are we training to be sommeliers?

We have a different aim in mind.

Speak for yourself.

I'm going out with Sara tonight.

-Again?
-Yes.

Do you want to ruin her too?

Don't worry.

It's no strings attached.
She's not in any danger.

Nice place.

Just what I needed.

Today was the worst day of my life.

-Why's that?
-One disaster after another.

Really?

What's up?

-Nothing.
-What do you mean?

You've gone pale.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Watch out!

What's wrong?

Sorry, I thought you might hurt yourself.

Why should I hurt myself?

Because…

these things happen.

Yes, but I'd have to be unlucky.

Why don't we swap tables?

Let's find a quieter table,
out of the way.

Go round this way.

-Where?
-This way.

This is better, it's more intimate.

Sorry.

That's right.

Right… you were saying?

I was saying that today
was supposed to be special.

It was the first time that in the office…

Are you listening to me?

At the office…

Did you see the waiter's face
when you put the fire out?

Ok. I'll…

I'll be going.

Don't you want to come in for a drink?

-I…
-It doesn't matter.

No, I'd…

I'd like to.

It's just…

Sara, I need to tell you something--

What is it you wanted to say?

I'll tell you later maybe.

And that's how our love affair began.

A normal romance, like many others.

Romantic dinners.

Shopping in the city center.

Long bicycle rides.

And lots of wild sex, of course.

But thanks to me,
it was all unforgettable.

Darling!

Wait…

I haven't been as happy
with a man in years.

Or as unlucky.

That's not his fault.

I really like him.

-Have you seen Mrs. Bra's son?
-Who, Mirko?

-He's just like his mother.
-Yes, she doesn't make a bad man.

As an architect she's hopeless.

She'll be excommunicated
over her plans for the church.

I hope you didn't tell her that.

Are you crazy?

I wouldn't risk my life.

Come on, the worst is over.

Goodness, I feel amazing!

What have they given me?

She's a junkie now…

Round and round…

I'm meeting Jacopo later.

I'll let him know.

-Careful.
-Careful.

Wait here, I'll go and get your X-rays.

Do you think it fair
we can't eat before our op?

A stewed apple won't do any harm.

Or will it?

Can I have something to eat?

Come on!

Where are you going?

Excuse me?

-Where are we going?
-To say hi to the surgeon. Happy?

-But I'm fine.
-I can see that.

Really, I've never felt better.
I'm in great shape.

I can see that, you're a smasher.

SURGICAL UNIT

Look, I…

-What have we got here?
-A hip replacement.

Remarkable! Remind me to get
her number from the ward sister.

Yes, doctor.

Her thighs aren't bad either.

-Scalpel.
-Scalpel.

Fabrizio, wait!

-You've got the wrong person!
-Jacopo?

Let go of me!

Pretty girl, well done.

I have to ditch her, for her own good.

You can come to shiatsu with me tonight.

Not another of those courses…

Don't you enjoy them?

I'm not like you.

I try to build something with a woman.

Don't make me laugh.
You're a love-'em-and-leave-'em guy too.

Yes, but I get upset. Remember
how upset I was over Margherita?

Wait. Margherita…

The one who broke her wrist
while tying her shoes?

No, that was Laura.
Margherita burnt her ear.

The ear reconstruction?

You didn't miss anything.

You didn't screw Margherita too?

Only once.

Such a disappointment…

She's a disappointment?

Have you seen how cute Jacopo is?

-If it hadn't been for him…
-We wouldn't be here.

What do you mean?

Don't you realise, he's a jinx.

-Everything's been going wrong.
-Goodness!

Don't be absurd. You're talking crap.

Hi.

Hi.

I'll leave you two on your own.

-How are things?
-So-so…

Listen…

-I'm really sorry.
-It's not your fault.

Well, it is my…

What's up?

Listen, I…

I need to tell you something…

I've been meaning to tell you,
but couldn't find the right words.

I love you too.

That's good, isn't it?

That is…

-No…
-What?

Of course! You didn't come here
to tell me you love me.

-Oh God, sorry. Just forget it.
-I like you a lot…

-I really like you…
-And you think I'm amusing…

Don't be embarrassed.
Pretend nothing happened.

Don't be angry…

I came to tell you something important…

I think you're…

fantastic.

I'm not just saying that…

You're…

Without you I'm…

I can't…

And you can tell.

You can tell by the situation too.

Everyone can see it.

But it's not just you.
Even with the others…

-The others?
-The other…

situations, where I didn't… All of you…

So I was wondering: why me?

Why does it happen to me?

I… with you…

You're beautiful, amazing…

The agonizing doubt is that…

That's enough!

I wanted to share it with you.

Maybe, with you, an opinion…
Sharing one's thoughts.

That's enough.

What the fuck?

Have you hurt yourself?

Here.

After the hospital mishap,
I thought Sara needed a rest.

I suggested a weekend
in the country with my parents.

It was a great idea.

-Have they lived in the country long?
-Ages.

They bought this old farmhouse
and renovated it themselves.

"Two hearts and a hut".

Two hearts, a hut, and Rocco.

-Who's Rocco?
-My parents' mongrel.

Why did they call him Rocco?

Stop that!

What a nightmare!

Rocco!

What are you doing?

Rocco really fancies you.

-I've noticed.
-Leave him to me.

-Fetch your ball.
-Thanks.

-If I have a puppy, you can have it.
-I'd like that.

Are those storks?

They're my pride.

LIPU has put them in my care

as part of a re-population project.

I would feel very lonely
if it weren't for them.

You've got your wife.

What?

-Your wife.
-Oh, yes, of course.

Can you help me, love?

I'm coming, darling.

-Are you enjoying yourself?
-They're really nice.

It's thanks to me they're still together.

-Really?
-Yes.

When I was a kid they almost separated.

I couldn't bear that.

I found a book
on marriage counseling in the bookshop.

I learnt it by heart…

and I did my first counseling on them.

I couldn't have done a better job.

Rocco, no!

Hey!

At last. Where are you? You OK?

I'm fine.

I've even done a couple of sketches
for the church in Verona.

I've had some ideas.

Stop that?

Who are you talking to?

Some randy beast who won't leave me alone.

He's hardly the first.

I looked it up on the Internet.

In Italy, one person
in a thousand is a jinx.

That makes 3,000 in Rome.

Your friend could be one of them.

Will you drop the subject?

You're in danger.
Get out before it's too late.

Fetch the ball!

Take out some insurance against accidents!

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything then.

Don't worry. The house is insured.

We're used to it by now.

Used to it?

Yes. Jacopo has a habit of choosing
women who are rather unlucky.

Really?

Were they unlucky before they met you?

That did it.

I had my back to the wall.

I had to tell her the truth,
the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth.

I told her everything:

Lauretta's birthday,
Stefania's nasal septum.

Giulia and the skin transplant
on her bottom. Camilla, Annamaria,

Flavia, Marta… All of them.

But how can that be possible?

Jinxed.

Simply jinxed.

I know, but there has to be a reason.

It all happened a long time ago.

The last year at junior school.

He completely ignores me now.

I had already started my consultations.

Denial of the other,
feelings of abandonment…

Very interesting.

He even says I'm a bad kisser.

Instillation of feelings of guilt.

You tell me how I kiss.

-What are you doing?
-Simona…

-It's not what you think.
-You're disgusting!

-Let me explain.
-Jacopo, you'll pay for this.

I will curse you for ever and ever.

Amen.

Have you seen Simona since?

She's vanished.

I tried looking her up a few years ago,

to ask her to remove the curse.

But no luck.

Someone told me she's gone to live abroad.

So?

Perhaps it's better if we call it all off.

That's a good excuse to ditch me.
I've not heard that one before.

I'm not joking. If you're with me,
you'll always be in danger.

I love danger!

The tango is pure passion.

Seek out your partner with your eyes.

Fabrizio,

these people are obsessed, they scare me.

This is the last course I'm coming on.

How sweet, he's in love.

-How long do you think it'll last?
-Now you're being a jinx.

-Do you want to know the truth?
-What is it?

-Two more disasters and goodbye Sara.
-Please don't!

I have the solution.

What's that?

Come here.

No, not a fortune teller.
Please, take me home!

-He's not a fortune teller.
-What is he then?

Zorus is a practitioner of the occult.

A more psychological one.

How can you bring me
to a guy called Zorus?

My sister says he's good.

She and her husband had a problem,
and in one sitting with him,

it was solved.

Your brother-in-law?

Didn't he die in a road accident
six months ago?

What about it? These things happen.

Yes, but…

It's your turn.

-Let's go, I'm scared.
-Go on!

-I'm scared.
-He knows everything.

-He knows everything?
-Yes.

Who's there?

What do you mean?

I thought he knew everything.

It's me, Mr. Zorus.

Hello.

What are you here for?

I'm possessed by the devil.

I see.

Mr. Zorus…

Are you dead?

-I'm concentrating.
-Sorry.

-It looked like…
-What…

is the name of the child
who put the curse on you?

-Simona.
-I know.

Your problem originates
with the curse Simona put on you.

I knew that.

-I don't need a fortune teller.
-I'm not a fortune teller.

I'm a practitioner of the occult.

That's right.

To get rid of the curse,
we have to do a ritual.

You have to bring me…

Simona.

I can't. I haven't seen her for 30 years.

-I wouldn't know where to look.
-All right.

It doesn't matter.

A lock of hair will do.

Ok. If you've got some scissors,
we'll do it now.

Not yours, Simona's.

You don't get it, do you?

You might be a practitioner of the occult,

but I don't know where she or her hair is.

It doesn't matter.
We'll perform a special ritual.

With a little extra charge.

How much?

Five hundred euros.

-And you call that a little extra?
-I have to earn a living too, mate.

Now…

let's get ready for the ritual.

-Where are you?
-In the kitchen.

-That smells nice.
-It's minestrone.

But I wanted to go out and celebrate.

Celebrate what?

I found these on the stairs.

Two hundred euros?

Really?

And that's not all.
I even found a parking space outside.

At first go. Never happened before.

Fancy that, Zorus…

-What did you say?
-It's hard to find a parking space.

Even for motorbikes sometimes.

We have to celebrate.

It didn't break!

It's amazing how often
the best solution is often the simplest.

-Here.
-Darling…

You want to remove a curse?

Go to the fortune teller. Easy, no?

What are you doing?

Going over a project I did, for a church.

It's beautiful.

Really?

Well, I'm no expert
but I think it's lovely.

Think so?

Yes, look how nice it is.
It's even got parked cars.

Come on!

I put them in to give
a better idea of the proportions.

-I didn't know that.
-Well you do now.

What does Mrs. Bra say?

I haven't even shown it her.

Then do so.

-No.
-Why not?

She's presenting her own project
tomorrow afternoon. It's too late.

Tomorrow afternoon.
Show it to her in the morning.

Go to Mrs. Bra's place,

and ring the intercom…

Bra… bra…

"Bra bra" sucks. I can't do it.

Knock on her door then.

"Mrs. Bra, be good.

Look at the plans
I drew with so much love.

I've even put some parked cars in it."

I'll take this back.
This is your computer.

-And we'll forget all about it.
-It's beautiful.

It's a great opportunity.

-You have to show it to her.
-With or without parked cars?

With.

-Are you worried?
-A little.

You'll be fine,

I just know it.

Is that a wheel?

Yes.

No, we can't move the car.

It's leaking water,
but from the drinking fountain.

All right, I'll wait here.

I don't understand…

You don't understand, but…

It's late.

I'm sorry, I'll take
the underground, I'm late.

Don't worry.

Are the brochures ready?

Hurry up, guys?
We have to be at the Vatican for four?

Here they are. They were ready. Good.

Where were you?

I'm sorry I'm late.

If you were making yourself
pretty, it was worth it.

-Where's Lorenza?
-I advise you not to disturb her.

She's being restored.
She's in a bad temper.

-Can I have a word?
-Of course.

Your problem is obviously
a lack of sexual harmony.

The love is there.

You just have to add…

a bit of "pepper"

to your relationship.

-Is it a porn film?
-Yes.

For therapeutic purposes.
I hope it doesn't offend you.

No, I have a fixation.

You have a fixation?

Years ago.

They irritate me a bit now.

You have to watch it together,
not on your own.

Together.

You'll thank me afterwards.

Mom, it's me.

Come in, darling.

Hello.

What's she doing here?

Sara has a proposal to make.

I don't have time right now.

Just five minutes.

She has an amazing idea for the church.

Her? Don't make me laugh,
it'll give me wrinkles.

-You may go.
-She's joking.

-Now.
-She isn't joking.

-It's not true I'm intrusive.
-No.

-I'm not intrusive.
-Don't shout?

I always respect your privacy.

What? You wrote to Marco with my email…

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry, father.

Sorry? Do I know you?

Have a nice day.

If you introduced me to your friends,

if I didn't feel a stranger
when we're in the city…

Get off my back? I even have
to ask your permission to pee.

I might as well have got myself a woman.

-Right, doctor?
-Really…

Let's say…

Actually…

Forgive me.

It's a patient.

-Hello?
-Who can it be?

-You see? You are intrusive?
-Doctor?

This is Staffaroni. Hello.

-Tell me.
-About that DVD…

Perhaps we're a little too traditional,

but these churches
don't arouse us that much.

Churches?

I'll be right over.

You're a psychopath.

-You're a…
-Holy slut!

That's right! A slut!

-Slave?
-Yes, I do all the housework.

-I clean the bathroom.
-It's tiny!

-Who does the dishes?
-Who cooks?

With all the oil you use,
it gets encrusted.

-Shall I cook on the floor?
-Use less oil!

Like in the dark ages.

-Excuse me.
-What is it?

I was wondering
if I could talk to you about my project…

Don't wonder, for your own good.

Sara, answer your phone!

Who is this Sara?

Must be a woman.

Really…

Forgive me, I have to go.

It's an emergency.

-You see? It was a woman.
-I told you so.

-Have you got a motorbike?
-Yes.

I need it.

Thanks.

Slut!

Jealous.

Good morning.

Your Eminence.

How nice to see you again.

Did you have a good trip?

It was fine.

May we begin?

Yes, of course.

Mom, hide your weapons, we come in peace.

-Here are your churches.
-Yes, I'll see you on Friday.

On Friday.

The church I have designed
is a mixture of modernity and tradition.

Modernity of the materials,

the use of the spaces
and the idea of the place of worship.

Tradition in the symbols and shapes.

Among the shapes
of the traditions of Verona,

I chose the most classical
and most recognizable.

Considering it's a church
to the Infant Jesus,

the most Christmasy.

What is this garbage?

It's a Christmas cake.

What do you think then?

You are joking?

No. Why?

-We asked for a church.
-Not a concrete Christmas cake.

Your Eminence,

perhaps the innovative design
has caught you by surprise.

Perhaps.

I'm sorry, but for our church
we need something…

decidedly more classical.

Next time maybe.

No! Wait.

Yes, wait.

We have another design.

One that is decidedly more…

classical.

It's an idea I worked on myself.

Can you give us five more minutes?

Go ahead.

Excuse me, sister, the Art Gallery?

It's hard to direct you from here.

-I'll take you there.
-Thank you.

-You'll take me?
-That's what I said, my son.

But my sciatica is playing up.
Not to mention my thigh-bone.

No, let's not mention it.

Right. We can start now.

As you can see, it is preceded
by a short introduction.

As you can see…

-No!
-This girl…

represents the young people of today.

The young people
the Church likes to help out.

-Have we far to go?
-No.

-It's over there.
-Over there?

What are you doing? Put me down!

As you can see, it's a project that…

is both international and multiracial.

Oh my God!

This is it.

Your Eminence…

This is intolerable!

Shame on you!

In a holy place too?

Your Eminence, I'm appalled.

I don't know how such a regrettable thing
could have happened.

Sara, I'm sorry.

-Now do you believe me?
-Perhaps, Jacopo.

I have your project here.

-Keep it!
-They might need it.

That's enough.

Enough!

I want you out of my life.

Mom, this time I refuse to listen to you.

We can't afford to miss this opportunity.

-Are you going to Jacopo's?
-No, it's all over.

Some good news at last! Sorry.

Sara.

-I spoke to my mother.
-Thanks, but she was right to fire me.

I managed to arrange another meeting
to show them your plan.

The real one.

Though the other one had its own appeal.

You haven't seen it yet.

I like you. I like the way you work.

I'm sure it will be fine.

-How did your mom take it?
-She's very happy.

Enthusiastic even.

Come on, Sara, get to work.

I'd get to work on him.

Once it was over with Sara,
I decided I needed a break.

Surprise!

I was sad, embittered, defeated.

Mom!

Fortunately there was still someone
I could take refuge with.

The only people
who would love me all my life.

They must be upstairs.

As well as being
my greatest professional success.

Jacopo!

I can explain everything…

Darling, don't take it to heart.

It's not that serious.

-Are you sticking up for him?
-It's not what you think.

-No?
-No.

What is it then?

Remember when you were a child
and you tried to keep us together?

Yes. What about it?

We were so moved…

we didn't want to hurt you.

So we told you we'd made it up.

But we'd argue in secret.

We both had our affairs.

Affairs?

You too, Mom?

Especially her.

It's not my fault men fancy me…

Drop the subject.

Everything changed when you left home.

Mom moved in with Marco.

She only comes back when you visit.
You always let us know first.

Marco?

He's a really nice person.

Whereas the lady
you saw before is Adriana.

Adriana…

Marco…

Just great!

Is that everybody?

It didn't last long,
but I dated an Alberto too.

I was being sarcastic.

Sarcastic.

But it doesn't change anything.

Mom will always love you.

Mom?

-What about Dad?
-Yes, Dad too.

-It's always Mom!
-And Dad!

-Mom, Mom… Dad doesn't count.
-What do you mean?

-You should have been discreet!
-Discreet?

-Yes, that's right.
-Shall I name more names?

Rosco, Orso, Lapo…

-I have some names too!
-Please!

My life was just a huge pile of lies.

My perfect parents,

my pathetic attempts to be
with a woman pretending I was normal…

He's got worse.

Not to mention
the lies I told my patients.

-Like her mom.
-Leave her out of this!

It was time to stop it.

-She's an easy target.
-You see?

Split up.

What?

Split up.

Before it's too late.

It's a tactic. Like last time?

It's pointless.

You're just wasting your time.

You'll always argue.

You will carry on feeding
your hatred and stop speaking.

And then the person who used
to be your reason for living

will become your worst enemy.

And divorce will be a liberation.

The end of your problems.

But no! It will only be the start of them.

Lawyers, custody of the children,

maintenance payments,

panic attacks, tranquilizers,

and, in the end,
maybe a nice suicide. Maybe!

You're not meant to be part of a couple.

None of us is born to be part of a couple.

We are born to be free and alone.

And alone we must remain.

Take my advice.

I'm an expert on couples!

Your hour's up. That's 80 euros.

We've provided
three access ramps for the disabled.

And that's it. Have you any questions?

Doubts?

Excellent job.

This church will be a source of pride
for the Verona Diocese.

Amazing project. They were enthusiastic.

To the first
in a long series of successes.

-Let's hope so.
-I'm sure of it.

I can't thank you enough.

You already have.

By coming out to dinner.

We'd better go now.

-Are you bored?
-No, I'm a little tired.

Know what we'll do then?
We'll have dessert at my place.

I live in the center. Penthouse flat,
comfy divan, me, you, the view…

We can relax.

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

Where to?

To the airport, please.

TWO HUNDRED 85 DAYS LATER

After wandering around for months,

I had found just the place for me.

An isolated island in the Aegean.

Total population: seven men.

Average age: 83.

No chance of meeting
anyone of the female sex.

Apart from a goat.

But she wasn't my type.

I had finally found a bit of peace.

Mom?

Mom?

What are you doing here?

Are you lost?

I'm not lost,
I am only looking for my mother.

I don't want tot talk to you.

That's right.

Let's go and look for your parents.

This guy doesn't understand anything!

Don't get annoyed, I don't understand you.

Where's your mom?

- Mom!
- Where have you been my love?

Ma'am, he came to no harm. Goodbye.

Are you Italian?

Yes.

Isaac, thank this gentleman
the way Mommy taught you to.

Thank you, sir, for bringing me back.

-Do you speak Italian?
-We're Italian, his father's Danish.

I've been trying to…

-Jacopo?
-Yes.

I don't believe it!
30 years and you haven't changed.

In what way?

It's me, Simona.

Don't you remember?
We were at junior school together.

Jacopo, you'll pay for this.

I'll curse you for ever and ever.

Simona! It was her!

The root of all my romantic disasters!

I'd found her at last.

Simona, you and I need to talk.

Forgive me,
but I find all this really funny.

You ruined my life and think it funny?

I don't even remember this curse.

-You must!
-We were in junior school!

I remember we were sweethearts,
then something happened.

Think what a bore it'd be
if we were still together!

What a bore!

-A bore?
-Come on!

You're incorrigible.

I'm with a marine biologist now.

We travel around the Mediterranean.

And he adores my son. It's perfect.

Are you happy?

Yes.

It might not even last.

But that's life, things change.

Is this jinx business an excuse
not to get tied down with someone?

What?

Perhaps you're afraid
of letting go, being hurt…

Have you ever told Sara you love her?

Excuse me a minute.

FORTY NEW MESSAGES

Hi, Jacopo, it's me.
Fabrizio told me you'd gone away.

I really need to talk to you.

Can you call me back?

I got a promotion.

Work's going just great.

If you hadn't forced me
to show them my plans, I never would.

Will you call me back?

Please!

I was stupid.

Jacopo, come back.

I've taken some insurance out
for accidents.

And I've realised something important.

My greatest misfortune
is being without you.

But I can't wait forever.

I'm not calling you again.

I'm sorry.

Bye, Jacopo.

Mamma, I fished this with your friend!

Fantastic.

-I'm leaving.
-Have a good journey.

Listen, to be on the safe side…

Can you remove it?

-Go on…
-Ok, come closer.

Close your eyes.

There!

-Is that it?
-Yes.

-Welcome back! Hi.
-Ok, let's go.

Let's go.

I'm happy to see you too.

Thanks.

I'll go then.

You don't give up, do you?
You'll break the intercom.

I'm looking for Sara.

-The girl on the third floor?
-Yes.

She's getting married
at the Church of Saint Eusebius.

Who to?

The son of an important architect.

She's so sweet,
she brought me a wedding favour.

It can't be true!

Church of Saint Eusebius.

Right away. Chu…

-What are you…?
-Chu…

Church Street. If the address is correct…

No!

I have to say "No".

Address unknown. Please repeat.

Turn right onto Church Street.

Keep to the right. Keep to the left.
Dead end. Turn back.

Re-planning route. Re-planning…

-Move over, I'll drive.
-But…

Or I'll smash that thing over your head!

Re-planning route, re planning…

-Quiet.
-Well done.

Dear brethren,

we are gathered here with joy
in the House of the Lord,

to celebrate the marriage
of these two young people.

I Mirko, take thee to be
my lawfully wedded wife…

Wait, Sara, don't do it!

You're not Sara!

I'm sorry, I've got the wrong wedding.

Sorry, I'll get out.

Jacopo…

It's taken you long enough.

Sara, I've been a fool.

Everything that's happened… It's my fault,

I was scared of being tied down.

But I love you…

I love you.

More than I've ever loved
anyone else in the world.

I swear I want to make you happy.

Not everything can work out well.

We might even split up…

No, not that I want to.

But if we were to split up,

it would be nice to split up with you.

I mean… that's life.

Things change and so do people.
If you want to change and I don't…

-Or I do… That's the best bit.
-That's enough!

I understand.

Will you kiss me now?

Here?

Excuse me…

This is my wedding day!

-You're right. Sorry.
-We're leaving.

Let's carry on.

Well?

Wait…

Will you marry me?

Don't you think we're rushing things?

Rushing things?

Have you hurt yourself?

No, I always come down steps like that.

We'll get kicked out.

I'll marry you.

I'll marry you!

According to a rough calculation,

at this moment 27,280 couples
in Rome are kissing.

Perhaps the same ones
who were arguing a moment before.

After all, love's like that:
you kiss, you argue, kiss again.

Sometimes with the same person,
sometimes not.

As my friend Simona would say:
it's life, things change.

That's the best bit.

Doctor, I've learnt my lesson.
Respect is everything in a marriage.

-Right, darling?
-Who gave you permission to speak?

Did I give you permission?

-No.
-Then shut up then, you shit.

This porn film thing seemed a great idea.

But now we have another little problem.

Yes, very little problem.
Very very little!

Unfortunately it's led
to some nasty comparisons.

Comparisons!

Can we try another kind of DVD?

A documentary maybe?

My darling…

We've thought it over.

-We really can't separate.
-We love each other too much.

-Monica and I…
-You said "Monica" again.

No, I said "Silvia".

No, you said "Monica" again.

I got mixed up with the catering woman…

Mario, I can't take any more of this.

Who's Mario?

We took your advice.
We haven't argued since.

Never. It's been heaven.

-But…
-And there's a but.

That is… it's heavy going! A total bore!

We nearly split up.

Sweetie, darling, what a bore!
We enjoyed arguing.

We actually came here out of curiosity.

We heard you're very happy.

-Is it still Sara?
-Mind your own business.

That's what we came for.
It's OK to ask, polite to answer.

-The usual gossipist.
-Ignorant. You mean gossiper.

Listen to the professor!

-Smart aleck!
-Smart ass!

-Things are going just fine.
-Sara's had no more accidents.

None at all.

We can say the curse has been lifted.

Especially since you came into our lives.

In fact, we wanted to thank you.

-Was that "you're welcome"?
-I don't know.

-That's exaggerating a bit.
-Wait till she grows up.

-Why, will she grow up?
-Yes, she'll grow up!

You will, won't you?