Starter for 10 (2006) - full transcript

Ever since I can remember,
I've wanted to be clever.

Some people are born clever the same way
some people are born beautiful.

I'm not one of those people.
I've had to work at it.

If there's a question,
I have to know the right answer.

Crystalline or glassy in appearance, which
of the three principal classes of rock

is formed by the cooling of
molten earth material?

What do you reckon, Brian?

Volcanic.

- Is it igneous?
- Igneous is correct.

That was nearly right.

Derived from the Greek words
for wing and finger,



what name is given to a flying lizard
of the Jurassic and Cretaceous periods?

Pterodactyl.

- Cronin, Oxford.
- Is it a Pterodactyl?

- Pterodactyl is correct.
- Yes!

Clever little thing, aren't you?

As Francis Bacon once said,
knowledge is power.

Which is why I want to know everything.

I want to know about Plato
and Newton, Tolstoy and Bob Dylan.

What the words "dialectic"
and "peripatetic" mean.

I want to know why people actually like jazz.

If I'm going to find the answers,

I need to be in a place where people have
a passion for knowledge,

think it's important. Sacred, even.

That's why I hope you'll accept
my application to this university.



So, was that the correct answer?

Well, it's not really a question of correct
or incorrect, but it's certainly been...

entertaining.

I think that's everything, Brian.

Thank you.

We'll see you in October, Mr Jackson.

Yes!

So this is it. I made it.

Of course, there are going to be
some pretty big changes.

Leaving home, moving to a new city
away from people I've known all my life

and friends who've always supported me.

You're not gonna turn into
a wanker, are you?

What?

I mean, you're not gonna get
all poncey, start saying, "One does"

and wearing a cloak and talking Latin.

Yes, Tone.
That's exactly what's gonna happen.

- Let's get out of here.
- All right.

Oi, slow down.

Why do we always have to listen to this?

- Because...
- Because what?

- 'Cause it's Mot?rhead.
- And?

And the Head rule.

Because you say so?

'Cause it's my ghetto blaster.

- Which ghetto is that, then, Tone?
- It's Westcliff on Sea.

Yeah, good one, Bri.

Tell you what, why don't you
stick on a bit of Kate Bush, yeah?

We'll have a really good dance,
listening to Kate Bush, yeah?

We'll have a really good time, we'll listen
to Kate Bush, have a great dance, yeah?

Bloody hell, Spencer!

I did this for you.

Trick your new mates
into thinking you got some taste.

Cheers, Spence. That's amazing.

It's only a tape, bro.
There's no need to get all gay about it.

So, you think you will retake your exams or...

- Oh, don't start.
- Start what?

The careers guidance.

- I think it's a waste, that's all.
- Fuck off, it's waste.

Sitting on your arse for three years
reading poems, that's a waste.

It's not just about that.

It's about life experience.

Expanding your mind,
grappling with the big questions.

- Making exciting new friends.
- As opposed to boring old ones?

- I didn't say that, did I?
- I'm fine as I am, thanks, Brian.

Besides, there's always Tone
to debate the weighty issues of the day.

Never get that again. Thanks, mate.

- Best tape I ever made...
- Let's get him.

...in the sea. What?

No. Hang on. What...

- Let's get him!
- Right!

That's it!

Spencer! Take it easy.

- Is that what you're wearing?
- You don't mind, do you?

No. No, no, of course not.

No, it's very smart.

- Now, bread, do you need bread?
- I'll get bread there.

- Chip pan?
- I'll miss the train, Mum.

- Don't drink too much.
- I won't if you won't.

And don't be cheeky.

Now, you sure you don't want me
to walk you to the station?

Mum, I'm all right. Honestly.

- Here, take this.
- No.

- No, you can't afford it, Mum.
- Just take it.

Try to eat a piece of fresh fruit
every now and then.

He'd have been so proud of you.

Yes!

Take that!

Hi there. I'm your housemate, Brian Jackson.

Hello, Brian Jackson.

- I'm Josh, this is Marcus.
- Hello.

Hello.

Want me to show you to your quarters?

Yeah.

Hope you don't mind
but we allocated the rooms.

- Bit small, isn't it?
- Yes.

Yes, it is.

Well, we'll leave you to get ready
for the party, then.

Party?

Tarts and vicars.

You are coming?

Oh, actually.

I think I'm gonna stay here.

Unpack and do some reading.

Right. I'll purchase the alcoholic beverages.

You got any money, Barry?

Any cash? It's just, I don't have any pockets.

Okay.

- Cheers, squire.
- Ta-ta.

- I just got back from India.
- Oh, right.

Amazing experience.

Transformed me in ways
I never could have imagined.

Such as?

Do you use toilet paper?

Well, now and then.

Not cool, you know.

Terrible for the environment.

So...

how do you... you know?

I use my hand,

and a bucket of water.

You should try it sometime.

Sorry, I've just seen somebody I know.

All right.

Hi. Do you mind if I pretend to know you.

Has he been asking you about toilet paper?

It's uncool, apparently.

Yeah, well, so is gastroenteritis.

The ironic thing is, I actually am a vicar.

So what'd you come as?

A normal person.

You could at least have come as a vicar.

- Except I'm Jewish.
- Really?

Wow. I've never met a Jew before.

Not properly, anyway.

Which is strange, really,
because loads of my heroes are Jewish.

Woody Allen, Marx, Einstein,
Dustin Hoffman.

- Jesus.
- Jesus, Freud, Kubrick.

Yeah. God, there certainly have been
some amazing Jews.

My people thank you.

- Here you go, squire.
- Don't waste any time, do you, Barry?

Nice work, Barry.

Was there any change?

Sorry.

Well, nice talking to you, Barry.

Actually, it's Brian.

- But he just called you Barry.
- Yeah, he did.

What, you didn't correct him?

I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.

Rebecca. Rebecca Epstein.

Rebecca Epstein.

That's a Jewish name, isn't it?

Shalom, Brian.

Right, absolutely.

Bring it on!

I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me. What's the hurry?

- Rebecca.
- Right.

Come to our demonstration.

Can't stop. I've got an important meeting.

Oh, right. More important
than the struggle against apartheid?

Listen, I'm really, really interested in this.
It's just that I'm late.

Yeah, I know.

Contemporary Jewish studies.

Oh, sorry.

Halt.

- Hi, I'm here for the...
- Fingers on buzzers, first question.

- What's that in your hand?
- It's a poster.

And why is it in your hand
rather than on the wall

where everyone can see it?

Never mind. Fill this in, will you?

- Anyone else waiting out there?
- I don't think so. No.

Really? Bugger.

- Subject?
- English literature.

But I'm pretty good on sciences.

Newton's Third Law of Motion?

Reaction is equal and opposite to action.

Take a seat, please.

Anywhere?

Right. Let's get started then, shall we?

I'm sorry there aren't more of us.

It seems that vandals
have been tearing down the posters.

I'm Patrick Watts from Ashton-under-Lyne.

I'm reading mechanical engineering.

Some of you may recognise me
from last year's TV tournament.

Once again I'll be captaining
this year's team.

- Why?
- Sorry?

If we lost last year,
why are you still the captain?

Well, because I'm a post-grad
and I've been captain for the last three years.

Yeah, we've lost for the last three years.

Look, let's just crack on, shall we?

In order to qualify, you'll need to answer
30 questions in 30 minutes.

And the top three scores
join me, the captain, in this year's team.

I have some lively little questions in there,

so I think you're in for a pretty good time.

But it is against the clock.
So, people, if you're ready.

Let's quiz!

Hi.

- Sorry, I'm late.
- That's fine.

- Can I borrow this?
- Of course you can.

Thank you.

Okay, concentrate. Question six.

Question six is...

Why's she smiling at me?

That's not question six. Concentrate.

Must concentrate.

Look at the paper. Look at the paper.

Don't look at her.

Don't look at her legs,

or the curve of her neck.

Just concentrate. Right. Question sex...

Six. Six.

Hey, handsome.

Would you mind giving me
the answers to three and five?

Thanks.

Cheating.

She wants me to cheat. I can't do that.

With pleasure.
Three is potassium permanganate,

and five is Papua New Guinea.

Support our nurses. Support our nurses.

Brian, can I help you?
I'm here for the team meeting.

- Alice. Hello. Come in.
- Hi.

Brian, you're not on the team.
Alice here beat you.

- Only by one point.
- Well, even so, Brian's still the loser.

Well, loser's a strong word.

He is first reserve.

Shoes off, please. Follow me.

Brian, I am so sorry.

If you hadn't given me those answers,
you'd have been on the team.

Alice, it's no big deal.

- Really?
- Yeah.

All right, but I owe you.

Watts, Bristol.

Sorry, going to have to hurry you.

Is it...

Schubert, Death and the Maiden. Schubert!

Tchaikovsky?

No, I'm afraid
that's not the correct answer. Anyone?

- Salmon, Queens.
- Schubert, Death and the Maiden.

Is correct. That's the sound of the gong.

The winners of this year's grand final
are Queens' College, Cambridge.

Obviously,
I take no pleasure in showing that to you.

But, as someone once wrote,
"To err is human."

Anyone?

Alexander Pope's Essay On Man?

And, you know, I really feel that
with dedication

and good old-fashioned teamwork,
that this could be our year.

Which is why we're all assembled here today.
The Fantastic Four, if you will.

Each with his or her own special powers.

Colin, history, politics.

Lucy, science, medicine.

Alice, art and literature.

And myself
as a sort of floating Renaissance man.

Brian! Coaster, please.

Now, the qualifying heats
are in two weeks' time.

It's untelevised, of course,

but we'll still need to be in good form
if we're to show them what we can do.

- Brian.
- Shall I come along to that?

- That won't be necessary.
- He is first reserve.

- And I'd be more than happy.
- Team members only, Brian.

I'm sure we can manage without you.

I'm so sorry.

Now, quantum mechanics, anyone?

Dear Spencer, just a quick note
to let you know how things are going here.

My housemates are really interesting.

It's great to meet people
from different backgrounds,

and we are all having a really good laugh.

I'm so sorry.

I've also become
increasingly politically active,

and have so far protested against
apartheid, nuclear weapons, nuclear power,

gay bashing
and sexual exploitation of women.

...rather than mere objects
for the sexual entertainment of men.

Did you know that, under the bastard Tories,

seven percent of the country
currently own 84% of the wealth?

It's the same old story. The rich get richer,

and the most
vulnerable in our country suffer.

Anyway, how are you?
How's the job hunt going?

Got anything more permanent,
or are you still signing on?

I know there's not much out there
at the moment, thanks to bloody Thatcher.

But I'm sure something will come up soon.

Hey! Piss off out of here.

Must sign off now, as I've got a lecture.

I'm currently wrestling
with the Romantic poets.

Not literally, of course,
as they have been dead for some time now.

What do the so-called Romantic Poets
mean by the term "Romance"?

It's certainly not hearts and flowers,

though an appreciation of extreme beauty

was a vital source of inspiration.

But the notion of the Romantic poets
as swooning lovelorn fops is a fallacy.

Byron, Wordsworth, Shelley in particular,
were all passionately...

Come on!

- Shouldn't you be at the qualifiers?
- That's the thing.

Colin's been knocked over by a bus.

He's okay, but it means you're on the team.

Yes!

So glad that he's okay.

Fifty questions, 30 minutes.
Conferring is allowed.

And to make the grade,
we need a score of 70 percent or higher.

Excuse me, but we're trying
to do a quiz here and it's against the clock.

It's got to be done sometime.

This man has been sent
from the offices of University Challenge!

So, if we're ready.

Sergeant Troy, Fanny Robin
and Bathsheba Everdene

all appear in which novel by Thomas Hardy?

- Return Of The Native.
- Return Of The Native.

Actually I think it might be
Far From The Madding Crowd.

- Oh, of course it is. Go with Brian.
- Far From The Madding Crowd.

Correct!

Passer Domesticus is the scientific name
for which commonly known bird?

- The common house sparrow.
- Correct.

- Inflammation of the pancreas.
- Correct.

- The Sistine Chapel.
- Is the correct answer.

- The rings of Saturn.
- Correct.

- The 38th parallel.
- Correct.

- They carry their young in pouches.
- Correct.

"My love is like a red, red rose."

1664!

- Prime numbers. Diaghilev. The spleen.
- Correct.

The Berlin Airlift. Trick question.

Gamma rays. Longshore drift.
The Venus de Milo.

Correct.

And your final question.

Which decade saw the invention
of the replaceable razor,

the formation of the Ford Motor Company,

and the death of Oscar Wilde?

- The 1890s.
- 1900s

- 1890s.
- I'm pretty sure it's the 1900s.

I am going to have to hurry you.

Lucy, what do you think?

Actually, I think Brian's right.

Is the answer the 1900s?

Correct.

Right. Well, then. Congratulations, team.

Brian, glad to have you on board.

- You were great.
- Thanks.

Bye.

Brian.

I've never seen anything like it.

You're a general knowledge God.

So what made you
wanna take the Challenge anyway?

The Challenge!

Well, I want to be an actress,
or a TV presenter, or something.

- It's all experience, isn't it?
- Yeah.

How about you?
How come you know all that stuff?

Misspent youth?

And I suppose I've always just
liked that feeling of knowing things.

For some reason it all goes in
and stays there.

And it's just useless knowledge.

You think there's such a thing
as useless knowledge?

Well, sometimes.
I wish I hadn't learned to crochet.

You are joking, aren't you?

Oi, watch it.

Hey!

Better not. There might be dog poo in there.

Right.

Oh, God, I just remembered! Mask workshop.

I've gotta run. See you at the next rehearsal.

Alice, what are you doing on Friday?

It's just, it's my birthday.

You're having a party.
Well, of course I'll come.

Not a party, exactly.
I was, I was thinking more dinner.

Or something...

Just me and you?

Mmm-hmm.

Brian, I'd love to.

Is the correct answer.

Okay. Friday.

Something wrong?

No. No, I just think you could've put in
a bit more effort, that's all.

So, where are you taking me?

It's a good job I reserved a table.

- This is great.
- Are you sure?

It looked posher from outside,
with all the candles and everything.

But I love pizza.
And they do one with chips on.

"King Edward."

Hello. Hi. Excuse me.

The Lambrusco Bianco,

could you tell me what year it is?

1985.

No, I know. I know what year it is.
I meant what year is the wine?

1985.

Very well.

We'll have the white Lambrusco Bianco '85,
please.

Look! Breadsticks. Hooray!

You know, I think I'm going to have
these garlic mushrooms.

Well, you won't be snogging anyone tonight.

So, have you had many boyfriends, or...

- Where did that come from?
- I don't know. I'm just curious.

What, you really want to know? Okay.

When I was 15, there was Charlie,

who was the lead singer in this band.

He was incredibly handsome.

Gorgeous.

I left him for Rufus.
We then had a nine-month affair.

I then went out with his best friend.

And then I had a fling
with a lovely Italian guy called Alessandro.

He was, like, skinny
because he was younger,

but he had, like, muscles and definition.

Gregor was lovely,
but incredibly possessive.

In the end we had to call the police
and I think he was deported.

And I think that that's about it.

Funny, isn't it, how many of them
end up being mad, or suicidal?

- Or in prison.
- I know.

Rufus, you know the performance artist,
the one who set fire to himself?

He used to say I had the kiss of death.

That's why I'm giving it all up.
Concentrate on my work.

Get me to a nunnery.

- Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1.
- You never stop, do you?

What do your parents do again?

Mum works in a shoe shop and Dad's dead.

It's all right. You don't need to get
all serious. It was a long time ago.

What happened?

Well, he was a salesman. Double glazing.

You know, working on commission.
Long, long hours. He hated it.

Anyway, it must've been eating away at him
because one day he just fell over, apparently.

In this old couple's living room,
selling polyurethane windows.

Forty-one years old. Let's, uh...

Let's get another drink. Excuse me.

- Do you think about him?
- Yeah, of course. Every day.

But we never really got to know one another.
Not as adults, anyway.

I really only remember
sitting in front of the telly with him.

Quizzes. He loved quizzes.

Nature programmes, anything educational.

Knowledge.

That was the key, he said, to being happy.

Not ending up doing some job you hate.

Where's that waiter?

- He'd have loved you.
- You think so?

Of course. Don't you?

Don't know.

I think he might've thought
I was a bit weird, to be honest.

- Oh, he'd have been very proud of you.
- Why?

Going to university. Star of the quiz team.

- Doing all the things he never got to do.
- Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

Anyway, Alice, excuse me,

do you mind if I just pop off to the loo?

You are such a lovely man.

I'm sorry about tonight.

I don't usually cry
until much later in the evening.

You mustn't apologise.

It was very illuminating.

Brian, what are you doing at Christmas?

Just the usual. Watching telly with Mum,
eating cheap chocolate.

That kind of thing, really. Why?

Well, it's just that
we've got this cottage in Suffolk.

And it's so dull when it's just
Michael and Rose and me.

- Who are Michael and Rose?
- My parents.

I thought, maybe you could come and stay.

- I can't really leave Mum.
- No, but after Christmas. For New Year.

My parents keep themselves to themselves
most of the time,

so it'd just be me and you,
walking, reading, hanging out.

- But if the idea fills you with dread...
- Yes!

No... Yes... That would be really good.

It's decided, then.

Thank you.

Good night.

So I take it it went okay then, Romeo?

Well, you know, it went all right.

So is love in the air?

Not love.

- Like.
- Like is in the air.

Mum, I'm home.

Mum?

Brian! Get out! Get out now!

Our obligation to make our own
individual contributions, however small...

His name's Des,
a widower from down the road.

An ice cream man.

You know when he's coming round
because you can hear the chimes.

They've been keeping each other company
ever since I left.

Twice a day, sometimes.

These are nice, Julie.

Little sausages wrapped in bacon, Des.

Eat your sprouts, you'll get rickets.

Rickets is calcium deficiency, Mum.
You're thinking of scurvy.

Brian, I don't care. Just eat them, will you?

And I hope that we shall all try
to make some good news in the coming year.

By the way,
I've got an announcement to make.

What's that, then?

It's just something that happened last term.

- Oh, God, Brian.
- Mum, don't worry, it's a good thing.

Tel me, then.

I'm gonna be on University Challenge.

What, that thing on the telly?

Yeah.

Congratulations, Brian. That's brilliant news.

- Oh, God, what a relief.
- Why?

Well, to be honest, Brian,
I thought you were gonna say you were gay.

- What're you doing, Mum?
- Oh, just telling him what you're up to.

How you're going to be on telly
and everything.

What does Dad say?

He doesn't say anything, Brian.

How long you down for, then?

Actually,
I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.

You're not coming out New Year?

No, I'm gonna go stay
with my mate Alice, in her cottage.

Cottage? What is she, a milkmaid?

Are you shagging her, then?

- Tone, it's platonic.
- What does that mean?

Means she won't let him shag her.

- Get lost, Tone.
- What?

- All right, where now? Ritzy's? Manhattan's?
- Not Manhattan's.

- Actually, I think I'm gonna go home.
- Come on, Jackson, you wuss.

No, no, I'm all right.
I've got reading and stuff.

- But I'll see you soon, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, piss off.

What's up with you?

Why are we always
telling each other to piss off, Spence?

What's wrong with "Good night",
"Sleep well", "Happy Christmas"?

I just don't get all this hostility.

Listen, Bri. You're my oldest mate.

You're my best mate and I love you.

And I think it's great you're going out there,
meeting all these new people,

staying in cottages.

All that stuff.

Promise me one thing, yeah? Promise me
you haven't turned into a wanker.

Oi, Spence. Spence, wait for me.

- Now, take a towel.
- I'll use their towels.

- You can't use their towels.
- Bye, Mum.

- All right, at least take this.
- What is it?

Cold meat. You know, turkey, ham.
Couple of those little sausages.

Mum, I really don't think
that they're gonna need that.

Oh, take it. It'll only go off. Please.

Just stick it in.

You sure you don't want to stay
for New Year?

No, not this year, Mum. Besides,
you've got Mr Whippy now, haven't you?

Brian. That's enough.

- What?
- You know what. Go on, then.

Have fun.

Happy Christmas, Brian.

It's so good to see you.

It's an actual fact that bees hum
by blowing air through their spiracles.

- Spiracles. It's fascinating.
- I know.

Isn't that fascinating, Michael?

Sorry, I was somewhere else.

So, Brian, is this your first time in Suffolk?

No, I was here once before
on a climbing holiday.

Really?

Isn't it very flat for climbing?

I was misinformed.

- Brian's joking, Rose.
- Oh.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

I lost my virginity to this
on a mime course in Tuscany.

- Yeah?
- Let's set the mood.

Michael and Rose have gone to bed.

No, thanks.

- What's up?
- I just can't smoke.

- You can't smoke?
- No, I've never learned.

Oh, my God, Brian, how can you not smoke?

Smoking's what I do best.

Or second best, anyway.

All right, we'll try a different approach.

On your knees, facing me,
hands behind your back.

Now, I'm gonna blow the smoke
into your mouth,

and you're going to inhale, very deeply.
Understood?

- Nice?
- Very nice.

- Again?
- Please.

Are you sure? It's very strong.

- I can take it.
- Okay, here goes.

You really should exhale now.

This is a terrible idea. Kiss of death.
Remember?

Actually I... I feel a little bit...

Oh, for Christ's sake. Good night, Brian.

Oh, shit.

Here it is.

Oh, my God!

Well, hello, Mrs Harbinson.

Brian. You scared me.

Still, I expect you've seen
hundreds of naked women before.

You'd be surprised, Mrs Harbinson.

I've told you before,
please don't call me that.

It makes me feel so old. Call me Rose.

Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Harbinson?

What?

I said, are you trying to seduce me,
Mrs Harbinson?

No, Brian, I most certainly am not.

No, I know. It's just a quote.

You know, like Mrs Robinson...

I haven't the least intention
of trying to seduce you.

I know.
And I don't want to seduce you either.

That's not to say you're unattractive,
because, obviously,

you've got a beautiful body
for someone of your age.

I beg your pardon!

What's going on down here?

Nothing's going on.

Hello, Mr Harbinson.

What the hell are you talking about?

Nothing. I just came down for a glass of milk
and I bumped into Brian.

Right. I think I'll just head back upstairs.

Brian, where are your trousers?

Well, you can talk, big guy.

Brian, are you... Are you stoned?

No way, man.

I'm so sorry about all this.
We only found out this morning.

Granny fell down the stairs in the night,
and fractured her hip apparently.

We just thought we better go
and see her in hospital down in Dorset.

Mum and Dad set off early this morning.
They send their love, by the way.

They're so sorry you can't be here
for New Year's Eve.

Actually, I bumped into them
in the kitchen last night.

- Really?
- Did they say anything?

- No. Not at all.
- Great.

Listen, Brian, the train's not for six,
seven minutes yet.

Do you mind if I don't hang around?

Of course not.

Hello. Anyone home?

No. Thought not.

Excuse me, come to our demonstration.

- Come to our demonstration?
- Sorry, no thank you.

Protesting on New Year's Eve?

Injustice never rests.

Well, methinks the lady doth
protest too much.

It's from Hamlet. It's a joke.

I think I'll be the judge of that.

- Good Christmas?
- Not really. You?

We're secular Jewish non-Zionist socialists.
We don't really do Christmas.

Right. Sounds a riot.

Why do you think I'm back here?

What's in the bag?

It's New Year's Eve dinner.

Individual chicken pie
and a tin of sweetcorn.

Fasten your seatbelts.

Yeah, except for a souvenir tea towel.

Well,
I hope you had some clothes on.

Socks, shoes, no trousers.

What, and then she chucked you out?

- She didn't chuck me out, Rebecca.
- No?

No. Alice's elderly grandmother

accidentally had a fall down
the stairs and fractured her hip.

- She could've been telling the truth.
- Yeah, of course she was telling the truth.

- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.

Sorry.

So, what are we gonna do tonight?

- Haven't you got a party to go to?
- I think I can skip that.

I've got an individual chicken pie.

Oh. Well, then, how could I possibly refuse?

I'm only flesh and blood.

I've never been very good at
those parties, anyway.

Two hundred drunk students hurling
themselves at each other in a tiny room.

Then at 3:00 in the morning,
some lager-breathed stranger

trying to rub his face on me.

I think I'm safer here.

So you don't have a... What's the word...

Boyfriend, or partner?

What, comrade?

Not as such.

Never seemed to have
much luck in that department.

I don't know why.

I don't know why, either.

- Brian, are you trying to flirt?
- No.

Then why are you putting on that voice?

Look, I just mean...

I'm sure you could have
a, you know, boyfriend if you wanted one.

I have my amorous moments, I suppose.

Once in a while.

What's this?

It's my notebook. It's...

That's just for jotting down ideas,

bits of poetry.

Brian, you have to promise me something.

Promise me that you will never,
never show me your poetry.

I wouldn't dare, Rebecca.

- Hey, what's the time?
- It's... 11:56.

We can't start 1986 listening to this moaning.

- We?
- Right.

- Well, I hope you're not too disappointed.
- What?

Stuck here with me instead of blondie.

Rebecca! Of course not. I... Look.

I'd much rather be here.

Is that right?

- Hey, what's the time?
- It's 11:58.

Two minutes to go.

So, what shall we do to pass the time?

Wait. Hang on a sec, Brian.

What? I'm sorry, was that wrong?

Wrong? No, it's not that. Look.

Happy New Year, Brian.

Happy New Year, Alice.

Alice?

Rebecca.

Rebecca!
Look, it was a slip of the tongue.

What, the tongue you had
down my throat, you mean?

You really are a complete
and utter prat, Jackson!

- I know.
- Christ knows I've met some prats in my time,

but you really do win the award.

Let me help you with that.

Get your hands off of me!

Well, thanks for a memorable evening, Brian.

And have a Happy New Year.

Happy New Year!

- Hello, Brian.
- Hi.

"My heart aches,
and a drowsy numbness pains my sense,

"as though of hemlock I had drunk,

"or emptied some dull opiate to the drains."

Brian.

Stay on afterwards, will you?

"One minute past
and leafy woods had sunk."

Are you experiencing emotional problems?

Emotional problems?

Affairs of the heart, anxieties of
a romantic, or perhaps sexual nature.

And believe me, Brian, I'm finding this
at least as embarrassing as you are.

What makes you ask?

When I interviewed you,
a year ago now, you struck me as

being a particularly passionate young man.

A little incoherent, maybe a little gauche.
Is that fair, do you think?

Go on.

But you also seemed to have
a sincere passion for knowledge

that's missing from some our,
what shall we say,

some of our more privileged students.

And that's why I was
happy to offer you a place

because I knew that
you'd actually fought for it.

But looking at your grades this year,

7 4%, 68%, 57%.

It seems you're actually
becoming less intelligent.

And that, strangely enough,
is not what an education is for.

- Jackson, Bristol!
- Toad and Badger.

Is the wrong answer.

The T-S in T.S. Elliot stands for.

- Jackson, Bristol!
- Thomas Stewart.

- Once again, the wrong answer. Lucy?
- Thomas Stearns.

- Correct.
- Patrick, I just want...

The studio conditions, Brian.

In anatomy, where might you find
the arcuate fasciculus, Wernicke's area...

Jackson, Bristol.

Sorry. Is Alice coming today?

Apparently not. I'm not delighted
about it, either, Brian.

In 24 hours we're making
a recorded appearance in front of

a TV audience of millions and you think
Thomas Elliot's middle name was Stewart!

Once again.

The arcuate fasciculus, Wernicke's area...

So this is where
it all happens, is it?

Spencer? What are you doing here?

I thought I'd pay you a visit.
You don't mind, do you?

No.

Really good to see you, Spence,
just a bit of a surprise, that's all.

Who let you in, anyway?

Some wanker in a velvet waistcoat.

You were nice to him, though, weren't you?

I don't know. Should I have been?

It's just, I do have to live
with him, and I just asked?

Yeah? Are you writing poetry?

No. Give me that! Give me that!

- Give me that.
- Who's Alice anyway?

With the big bosoms?

You're not serious?

You are serious.
Bloody hell, Spencer. What now?

I'm being prosecuted for
fiddling me unemployment benefit.

What's gonna happen?

I don't know.
Depends on the judge, I suppose.

But you still got the arcade job, right?

Not as such, no. They sort of
found me with my hand in the till.

What do they think you took?

- Couple of hundred.
- How much did you take?

Yeah, couple of hundred sounds about right.

Spencer.

You're a socialist. I thought you
approved of the redistribution of wealth.

By acquiring the means of production.
Not by just nicking stuff.

Can we talk about something else?

I came here to get away from all that.
Have a bit of a laugh, bit of fun, yeah.

Okay. Yeah, we can do that.

- Is she gonna be there?
- Who?

You know, the posh one.
The one in the poems.

Alice? I hope so.
Be nice, though, won't you?

Who, me? I'm always nice.

This hand and a bucket of water...

Look, let's move on.

# With many cheerful facts
about the square of hypotenuse

# With many cheerful facts
about the square of hypotenuse

# With many cheerful facts
about the square of hypotenuse

# I am the very model
of a modern Major-General

# I've information,
vegetable, animal, and mineral... #

Pub?

lt'll liven up. Come on, let's see
what's happening upstairs, yeah?

Come here.

That's her.

In the leotard.

- Well, introduce us, then.
- What for?

- You told me to be nice.
- Yeah, but

I thought we'd go have
a drink or something...

- She's coming over. She's coming over.
- What?

Hello.

Hi.

So, who's this, then?

Alice, this is Spencer.

Oh, the famous Spencer.
I've heard all about you.

- I've heard all about you.
- Oh, good.

- Drink, anyone?
- Tell me, what have you heard?

I don't think I can say.

- Anyone want a drink?
- What have you heard?

- You first.
- No, you first.

I'm gonna just go and
get some drinks, yeah?

# Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme

# Without no seams nor needlework... #

You're not gonna hit me, are you?

I haven't decided yet.

Rebecca.

- I'm sorry about...
- Look, Brian.

I got drunk. I was having a nice time

and I fancied a bit of
human, whatever, contact.

And I made a mistake. Misread the signals.
Very embarrassing, but not a big deal.

I'm sure I'll learn to love again.

Have you got your fluffy mascot
packed ready for the big match?

No, think it's all a bit silly, that mascot stuff.

Brian, you're such a maverick!

So, are you gonna come along
and watch, then?

What, see you in action? You must be joking.

I wish you would. There's a free minibus.

Yeah, what do you care anyway?

Just like you to be there, that's all.

Only don't say anything to
my mate Spencer. He'd only take a piss.

Oh, my God, Patrick!

Brian, I hope that's not
an alcoholic beverage in your hand there.

- Big day tomorrow and all.
- Why's that, then?

'Cause he's the team's
star player, aren't you?

- What team?
- This year's University Challenge team.

- You're joking?
- No.

You?

Me, Alice, Lucy and Patrick.

- What, actually on telly?
- Yeah.

- Bloody hell, Brian. You dark horse.
- Something funny?

No, not at all, mate.

Just always wondered what
kind of bizarre nerdy swot

would wanna go on a programme
like that, turns out it's you, Brian.

- I didn't want to tell you.
- So...

Where are you studying, mate?

Actually, Patrick,
Spencer is taking a year out.

- No, I'm not. I'm unemployed.
- I see.

- Social Security, then.
- That's right, yeah.

Or he was, until those bastards
decided to prosecute him.

- Are you being prosecuted, Spencer?
- Only for fiddling his dole.

Do you think you'll go to prison?

I'm sure if he didn't do it, he'll be fine.

But he did. He had to, didn't you?
Just to make a living wage.

- So you did have a job?
- Bit of cash-in-hand, yeah.

Well, then, I have to say best of luck, mate.

Well, hang on. Do you have any idea
how much the government pay a week?

So, there's obviously
plenty of work out there.

That's a little harsh, Patrick, some people...

- There's three million unemployed.
- Yes, but he isn't one of them, is he?

If his job wasn't paying him enough,

he should get on his bike
and find a better one.

He certainly shouldn't steal
from law abiding citizens...

Here's a question for you, mate!
What is my name?

- What?
- Spencer put him down.

You heard me, what is my name?

- I'll have to hurry you.
- Spencer, I'm serious, put him down.

- My name is?
- Patrick, say Spencer.

- Spencer, Spencer.
- Correct.

And if you got something to say to me,
you say it to my face! All right?

Patrick.

Spencer!

The party's over.

Your friend was looking for you.

- Why do you think I'm sitting out here?
- Yeah.

Quite a handful, isn't he?

Is Alice all right?

Brian, sometimes the people
you care about the most just

basically they don't give a toss about you.

Look, you don't know that.

Well, go on, then. Try. I dare you.

Go and see her right now
and tell her how you feel

and then maybe we can all
get some bloody peace.

Come on, Alice, open up.

Oh, my God, Brian. What's up?

Could I come in, do you think?

- I'll get some clothes on.
- All right.

Okay, you can come in.

All right, I'm sorry about tonight.

I love Spencer,
but he can be such a wanker sometimes.

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

I know I probably shouldn't say this,
but it was actually quite exciting.

Like Roman gladiators
or something and that...

I've been dying to do that for so long.

Oh, please don't.

What? We did it before.

We've got a big day tomorrow.
Can we just talk about this some other...

I love you, Alice.

At least, I think I do.

I thought that we had something.
Didn't we, Alice?

Some kind of chemistry,
or electricity, or whatever but...

All right, mate?

We were talking...

Bri, Bri.

Look, I know you might not believe this,
I was actually putting a good word for you.

Spencer, mate, you were half-naked.

We was only fooling around,
it's nothing serious.

Look, Bri, if you've got something to say,
just say it 'cause this is stupid.

You knew how I felt about her.

You knew, Spence. I told you.
And you couldn't keep away, could you?

- She started it.
- Well, that's all right then, isn't it?

And what about the fight?
Was that somebody else's fault as well?

What do you expect?
He was trying to make me look stupid.

So you resorted to violence?

No, I didn't resort to it.
Violence was my first choice.

All right, that's cool. That's very hard, mate.

Well, I didn't exactly see you going
out of your way to help me, did I, Judas?

- I was sticking up for you!
- Oh, that's what you were doing.

You see, for a moment
I thought you were just flapping

your social conscience around
in front of your girlfriend!

You made me feel like a prick, Bri.

- You are a prick.
- Don't push your luck, Jackson.

What is it, Spencer,
this need to smash things up?

You know, it's all very well
messing your own life up,

but why do you have to do it with
people that care about themselves?

People who're trying to achieve something,

- make something of their lives?
- What, like you, you mean?

- You're just jealous of me.
- Jealous? What, of you?

You think because you read a couple books
you're suddenly better than me?

That's not what Alice seems to think.

I want you gone, Spencer.
I want you on the first train.

I don't care how much trouble you're in.
You've gotta go.

Brian. Where are you going, Brian?

I'm sorry.

Wake up! We have to be in Manchester
in two hours.

Brian!

Two minutes, Brian.

Patrick, if it's any consolation,
I'm sure they can cover that up

- with make-up or...
- Just get in, will you?

Hey, there.

Here we are then, the Fantastic Four.

The duodenum and ileum form
part of which bodily system?

- The digestive system.
- Correct.

The Wild Duck and Rosmersholm
are by which Nordic playwright?

Patrick, can I just ask, do you think by
some kind of freakish coincidence,

these questions are going to be
on the show?

Because if they're not,
it's a bit of a waste of time, isn't it?

It's a warm-up, Brian, for those of us
who aren't feeling too fresh this morning.

What about Alice, then?
Late night was it, Alice?

- Not here, Brian.
- Right, so,

just the four of us today or
is someone hiding in the back?

Later, okay?

Will someone please tell me
what the hell's going on?

I know. Let's listen to some music.

Finally. I'll let them know you're here.

Brian, where are you going?

Just give me five minutes. All right?

- We're already late because of you.
- Leave him, Patrick.

All right. But five minutes only.

Mum, it's not for hours yet.

I know. We set off at dawn.
We thought we'd make a day of it.

I brought Des along.
You don't mind, do you?

No. No, that's fine.

- What do you think, Bri?
- I've got to go.

Brian, is something wrong?

What could possibly be wrong, Mum?

Is it Des, Brian?

Brian? Get back here
this minute, young man!

Brian, I wish your Dad was here today, too.

But that's not going to happen, is it?

I'm sorry you don't like Des, but I do.

And he likes me. And he makes me laugh.

Which, believe me,
hasn't happened much in the last ten years.

Jackson, we're waiting.

Now!

I've gotta go.

Everything all right?

Brian, I can't stand this, us not talking.

What is there to talk about, Alice?

I'm sorry if I led you on.
And I'm sorry about Spencer.

I didn't intend to, it was just a sort
of physical, animal attraction. Sex thing.

This isn't necessarily helping me, Alice.

Oh, my God.

So.

We meet again.

Isn't that the team that...

Beat us last year. Yes, Lucy, that's correct.

Okay, people, let's quiz.

- How many vertices has a dodecahedron?
- Twelve.

Wrong. Minus five points.

So they're really, really good, aren't they?

- The so called Hammer of the Scots, which...
- Henry II.

Minus ten points.

- So basically we're screwed.
- Edward II?

Okay, Brian, here's a question for you.
If you don't know the answer,

why the hell do you bother
even opening your mouth?

Nobody else was answering
so I thought I might as well have a stab.

Okay, everyone, let's just calm down.

That's your problem, isn't it?
Always having a stab without a clue.

Stab, stab, stab, getting everything
wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

- I'm off to find a pub.
- It's fun, remember?

I don't even know why
I let you on this team in the first place.

You are completely ignorant.

Worse even than that
thick yob of a friend of yours.

- You started that.
- You turn up drunk, reeking of booze

- Iooking like a tramp on national television.
- Don't do that, Patrick.

It's true what they say, isn't it?
You can take the boy out of Essex,

but you can't take Essex out of a boy.

Ow!

Of course, what we witness here
is a basic misunderstanding

of the principle of the headbutt.

You're meant to hit the soft part of their nose

with hard part of your forehead,
not the other way around.

Here, here, how many fingers
am I holding up?

- lf I get it wrong, do I lose five points?
- No, not this time.

Three.

Battle of Agincourt?

1415.

Yeah, I think you're gonna be all right.

I'm glad you came.

What, you lying unconscious
in a pool of your own blood?

Wouldn't have missed that for the world.

Mr Jackson, we need you now.

All right.

Oh, and this is for you.
I managed to get most of the blood out.

Thank you so much.

Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, hang on, you might want to...
Here, let me.

That's all right.

Now, Mr Jackson.

Wait... Brian,

you show those stuck-up bastards
what you're made of.

- lf you'd like to wait here.
- Okay.

Ah, there's Bamber. Wait here please.

Oh, my God.

Which constellation of seven bright
stars includes Merak, Megrez and Mizar?

Ursa Major or the Great Bear,
also known as the Big Dipper.

I knew that.

Oh.

There it is.

Okay, everybody. Two minutes.

I'm sorry about that.

It's all right. In retrospect,
it's possible I wasn't entirely faultless.

What?

You think it's too much?

Okay. If you'd like to take your seats?

All right, team.

Let's take these mothers out!

Coming to the studio live
in three, two, one...

Intro Bamber.

It's University Challenge.
Asking questions, Bamber Gascoigne.

Hello, welcome once again to
University Challenge.

This week's tournament
between the University of Bristol

and Queens' College, Cambridge.
Let's meet the teams.

Starting with Queens'.

Hello, I'm Tristram Neville from Cheltenham,
reading Pure Mathematics.

Hi, my name's Cordelia Sykes
from Norwich reading Chemistry.

And their team captain.

Anthony Salmon from Winchester
doing postgraduate research

in medieval French Literature.

Nigel De Havilland from West Dulwich
reading economics.

And our team from Bristol.

Hi, I'm Alice Harbinson from
Hampstead, London, reading Drama.

Brian Jackson from Southend in
Essex and I'm reading English Literature.

And the team captain.

Patrick Watts, Ashton-under-Lyne,
postgraduate in Mechanical Engineering.

And my name is Lucy Chang
from Minneapolis, reading Medicine.

Without further ado, here's your first starter
for ten. Listen carefully before you buzz.

For a straight line graph of Y against X
where the gradient of the line is two

and the Y intercept is five,
what is the value of Y when X is ten?

Salmon, Queens'.

- Twenty five.
- Correct for ten points.

So Queens', three bonus
questions on electron microscopy.

What was identified by Hegel
as the tendency of a concept

to pass over into its own negation
as the result of conflict between its...

Watts, Bristol.

- I'm sorry, I don't know the answer.
- Well, I'm afraid you lose five points.

Salmon, Queens'.

- Is it dialectics?
- Dialectics indeed.

So three more questions for you.

- Chang, Bristol.
- The adrenal gland?

Correct. Puts you back in the game.

Three bonus questions on geography.

Which is the only African country
to have a coastline

on both the Atlantic and the Mediterranean?

Algeria.

I have to hurry you.

Algeria.

No, I'm afraid the answer is Morocco.

Now, look at your monitors.

Watts, Bristol.

- Durham Cathedral.
- No, I'm afraid that's incorrect.

- Sykes, Queens'.
- York Minster?

Is the correct answer.

- De Havilland, Queens'.
- Calcium carbonate.

Incorrect. I'm afraid you lose five points.

- Jackson, Bristol.
- Calcium sulphate.

Calcium sulphate is correct.

It's the Oresteia by Aeschylus.

The Oresteia by Aeschylus.

- Correct.
- The Euclidian Algorithm.

- The Euclidian Algorithm.
- Correct.

Honi soit qui mal y pense.

- Honi soit qui mal y pense?
- Is the correct answer.

- Salmon, Queens'.
- The overture from Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte.

The mucus membrane. Oxidization.
The Siege of Krishnapur.

- Is it an Oxbow lake?
- It is indeed an Oxbow lake.

Oh, let's just go home.

There still may be just time to catch up,

so here's another
starter question for ten points.

Derived from the Greek words
for wing and finger, what is the genus...

Jackson, Bristol.

- Pterodactyl.
- Is correct.

Schlemm's canal,

the ora serrata,

- and is it the fovea centralis?
- It is indeed.

Which American poet
and Fulbright Scholar...

- Harbinson, Bristol.
- Plath! Sylvia Plath.

Sylvia Plath is correct
so three more questions for you

on quotations from Shakespeare.

- Twelfth Night.
- Twelfth Night.

- Correct.
- Much Ado.

- Much Ado About Nothing.
- Correct.

- Henry V.
- The IV.

Which is it?

Come on.

Go with Brian.

- Is the answer King Henry V?
- Is the correct answer.

- Jackson, Bristol.
- The battleship Potemkin.

- Correct.
- Jackson, Bristol.

- The Treaty of Versailles.
- Correct.

Watts, Bristol.

- It's a form of fungal infection.
- Is the correct answer.

- Jackson, Bristol.
- Electroluminescence,

candleluminescence,

luminescence,

phosphorescence...

Come on.

- Incandescence.
- All correct. Amazing recovery.

All to play for now, just five points
behind with one minute on the clock.

For ten points, on a question on astronomy.

- Jackson, Bristol.
- Ursa Major, or The Great Bear.

The Big Dipper?

Rather amazingly, that is the correct answer,
so perhaps we'd better stop recording.

- What just happened?
- I don't know.

Does anyone know what
the hell just happened?

Does anybody know
how he knew the answer

when I didn't even ask
him the bloody question?

Can we just get going, please?

Brian, we'll laugh about this one day.

Hello.

I'll just see if he's here.

No, I'm sorry.

I'll tell him you called. Bye.

I don't know why you won't talk to her.

You know why not.
I made a complete idiot of myself.

No, you didn't.

Mum, you were there, remember?

All right, you made a prat of yourself.

Thanks, Mum.

Look, Brian.

The people who really care about you
don't mind if you make mistakes.

It's what you do next that matters.

And if you can't see that,

then you're not
as smart as I thought you were.

There's someone here to see you.

I can't, Mum.

Brian, you've been moping around for weeks
now and I'm not having it.

There's been far too much of that
already in this house.

It's Spencer. I'm not going
to tell him to go away.

Never thought I'd see the day
you were wearing a suit.

The magistrate liked it.
She only gave me six months' probation.

Hiding in the wardrobe, Spence.

It's not funny.

Well, maybe you weren't
so perfect yourself, mate.

I suppose not.

What're you still doing here, Bri?

- What do you mean?
- Well, why haven't you gone back yet?

I've gone off the idea.

Besides, it's all a waste of time.

How can it be a waste of time?

You've changed your tune.

It was a waste of time for someone like me,
but you, you love it.

Maybe I'm just not
as clever as I thought I was.

Of course you're clever.

It's just every now and then
you do some stupid things, that's all.

I got you this.

Thanks, Spence.

Cheers.

It's only a tape, Brian.
No need to get all gay about it.

I'll see you soon, yeah?

Do you need more towels?

I've got towels, Mum.

Bread? Sugar? Bag of potatoes?

Bye, Mum.

See you, Des.

See you, Bri.

All right.

Brian.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but I'm really glad to see the back of you.

Remember. Fresh fruit.

I admit it. I've made some mistakes.
Okay, some big mistakes.

Loads of them.

But you can't hide in your room
forever feeling sorry for yourself.

It's not practical.

At some point you've got to
get back out there, face up to things,

and confront your demons.

Well, well. Mr Jackson.

Could this possibly mean you're back?

Yes, if...

So, we'll see you tomorrow, then.

Thank you, Doctor.

And yes, I've made some
bad choices, lost my head.

Let people down. People I care for.

But there still might be time
to get something right.

You came back.

Oh, I'm so glad you came.

Now listen, you mustn't worry about
what people are going to say, okay?

So you made a silly mistake.
But the thing is...

Can I just stop you there for a minute, Alice?
I'm sorry, but I'm looking for someone else.

Ever since I can remember,
I've wanted to be clever.

Some people are born clever the same way
some people are born beautiful.

I'm not one of those people.
I'm gonna have to work at it.

Put in the effort.
And if I mess it up, I'll learn from it.

Besides, sometimes it's not about
knowing the right answer.

Sometimes it's about asking
the right question.

We want the money spent on
nuclear weapons to be brought

into our health system.
Our nurseries and schools.

Our universities.

What do we want?

Nukes out.

- When do we want it?
- Now.

- What do we want?
- Nukes out!

- When do we want it?
- Now!

- What do we want?
- Nukes out!

- When do we want it?
- Now!

Hello.

Hello.

Think we could talk?

Somewhere a bit less angry?

All right. Yeah.

You've got a nerve, Brian Jackson,
not answering my phone calls.

Look, I know. And I'm sorry.
I just... I wanted to.

I just needed time
to make sense of everything.

I see. So does everything make sense now?

Yeah, almost.
I just need to ask you one question.

Okay. One question. Ten points.

You think you can forgive me?

For all the mistakes,
all the wrong answers and stupid remarks?

Brian, you already know the answer.