Sorority Boys (2002) - full transcript

The High Council
has reached a verdict --

guilty!

-- You taught the K. O.K.
handshake to a girl.
-- [ Breathing heavily ]

Dude, what were
you thinking?

[ Chanting ] Boo-la.
Boo-la. Boo-la.

Boo-la. Boo-la.

Boo-la. Boo-la.

Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la.
Boo-la. Boo-la.

-- [ Music playing in distance ]
-- Spence, are you done yet?
We need this. . .

-- ...room for the bobsled.
-- [ Groans ]

Jiminy Cricket.



Goddamn it, Dave!

Young man: Mush, l say!

-- Mush !
-- Ow!

Oh , come on !

Change of plans, boys.
Someone ralphed all over
the living room .

We need to relocate.
You guys, out.

Hey, l will not tolerate
insubordination

during my ceremony.

Oh , just relax.

Look, l thought that your mask
was really scary this time.

You two ''fraternity
brothers'' think you can
do whatever you want

in this house,
right? Wrong.

l'm the president!

Dave?



What's that, Adam?

l think it's time
the president got laid .

Hmm.

Fuck you .

[ Music continues,
indistinct talking ]

Young woman: Fight sexism,
support feminism!

Don't fall victim
to the antiquated
standards of femininity.

Be proud to be a woman .

Look, by going in there
tonight,

you're enabling the same
misogynistic mores

that kept women in bondage
for the past 5,000 years.

They do bondage.

[ All giggle ]

Let's go.

Thanks.

Wait, if you just --

Fight fe-- sexism .

Listen , that last
girl you set me up
with was great --

really beautiful .

l'm just -- l don't know.

l guess l want someone

l can have an actual
conversation with .

Can you find that girl,
Brutus?

-- [ Whining ]
-- Go get her, boy.
Go. [ Snaps ]

[ Barking ]

[ Loud heavy metal music plays ]

Fire in the hole!

lt's good distance.

You're still
pulling to the right.

Who was that girl handing
out the paper thingies?

Oh , she's the
lame-ass president
of the D.O.G . house.

She's always protesting
something .

That bitch had the nerve
to call me shallow.

[ Scoffs ]

God , you look so thin .

Thanks.

[ Laughs ]

[ Slurring ] l don't even
remember that year, man !

[ Laughs ]

l don't remember
that year either.

ls that me?

You weren't even here!

l don't r-remember
if l was. . .

[ Up-tempo folk music plays ]

-- [ Growls ]
-- Oh!

-- [ Growling continues ]
-- Ohh . . .

Dave:
Oh, hey, there you are.

Oh , l'm sorry.
ls he bothering you?

-- Um . . .
-- [ Barks ]

No.

No.

You know, ''a woman's face
with nature's own hand painted

has thou , the master-mistress
of my passion .''

l heard you drive a Beemer.

[ Chuckles ] Ahh . . .

Bad dog .

[ Whining , growls ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Adam talking indistinctly ]

Um , who let the yeti in?

Ohh . . .

Doofer!

Doof!

What?

Come on, man,
leave her alone.

She's not bothering
anyone.

Doofer,
think of the house.

We let one dog in ,
next thing you know,
we'll have three.

Okay.

Pledge! !

Pledge! !

# What'd l say #

l'm still the dogcatcher.

[ Belches ] Excuse me.

[ Whistle blows ]

Dogcatcher! !

Dogcatcher?!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[ lndistinct shouting ]

[ Laughter ]

lf the boys at K. O.K. want war,

then D.O.G .
will give them war!

Evelyn Wheelwright
founded this sorority

with a mission --

a mission to bring equality
and respect to all sisters.

Thanks to Patty's
heroic efforts tonight --

Wow... thank you, Patty.

[ Groans ]

. . .We now have actual footage

of what is going on
at a typical K.O.K. party.

See for yourselves.

[ D.O.G .s groaning , squealing ]

Look at the degradation ,
the manipulation .

[ Groaning continues ]

And these poor Tri Pis

think that they're
having fun .

But they're actually being
exploited and objectified .

[ Groaning intensifies ]

[ Speaking French
indistinctly ]

And this is going on
across the street,
day after day.

What we just all --

[ D.O.G .s groan , gasp ]

[ Cheering ]

Direct hit.

[ Whirring ]

[ D.O.G .s screaming ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Sizzling ]

-- [ Grunting continues ]
-- lt's big .

This. . .must. . .stop.

[ Whirring ]

# lt's a beautiful morning #

# Ahh #

-- [ Snoring ]
-- # l think l'll go outside
for a while #

# And just smile #

# Just diggin'
some clean fresh air for #

-- # There's no sense
in stayin' inside #
-- [ Spits, coughs ]

# lf the weather's fine
and you've got the time #

-- # Ooh #
-- # lt's your chance
to wake up and plan #

# Another brand-new day #

# Lead the way #

# lt's a beautiful morning #

# Ahh #

Adam: l just had
the best dream, Dave.

Oh , yeah?

Yeah . . .

And l never even
went to sleep.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, girls.

[ Groans ]

Hi . [ Belches ]

Ew!

[ Laughs ]

So, l thought maybe we
could get together later
and do something fun .

Tri Pis are
having a barbecue.

That sounds awesome.

And after that, we could
go someplace and talk.

Okay.

[ Door creaks ]

[ Cheering , whistling ]

[ All chanting ] The girl
was fair who went upstairs

with her favorite KOK.

She knocked around
and came back down ,

and now she takes the walk!

The walk of shame --
she's not to blame.

Who could resist the KOK?

-- Smile!
-- The walk of shame,
she found her fame,

and now she takes the walk!

-- [ Cheering ]
-- [ Chuckles ]

Oh , yeah .

[ Chanting ]
Mm-hmm , mm-hmm .
Mm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm .

Who could resist the KOK?

Walk of shame. . .

Now she takes the walk.

-- [ Crash ]
-- Young woman: Oh!

Classic.

[ lndistinct talking ]

Jeez, bro. . .

You were cutting some
fine ass last night.

You had two,
and l had none.

l mean , l'm lucky to catch
a little runoff.

[ Sighs ]

What should l do, bro?

Look, if a guy like you
wants to bring his numbers up,

you're gonna have to
bring the quality down.

-- Way down .
-- [ Banging ]

l hereby call to order
this emergency session

of the 32nd chapter
of Kappa Omicron Kappa.

Come on ! Quiet!

-- [ Gavel bangs ]
-- Shut the fuck up!

[ Talking stops ]

Thank you , Big Johnson .

Gentlemen . . .

we are here. . .

to discuss. . .
the KOK-tail cruise.

[ K.O.K.s murmuring ]

Let me remind you

of the story of Pete Young ,
K.O.K. class of '95.

Now, Pete never took
a single test.

Pete fell out of his
bedroom window twice.

Where's Pete today?

Pete is pulling down
$ 1 50k a year

all because some alum
got a little play

on the KOK-tail cruise.

Then there's the story
of the '88 KOK-tail cruise.

Those boys decided to --
to skimp on the party.

Homemade wine coolers...

. . .a homeless stripper. . .

. . .soft-core porn .

Needless to say,
the boys of '88

are still paying off
their student loans.

l have no regrets.

That is why
l've called this meeting .

This year's cruise
is in grave danger.

'Cause you'll be there?

[ Laughter ]

Will the social committee
please rise?

[ Clears throat ]

[ Chairs squeaking ]

Gentlemen , the brothers
standing before you

have embezzled all of your
parents' hard-earned money.

[ Chuckles ]
Yeah , very funny, Spencer.

The money's in the safe.
l just checked it.

Then you won't mind
showing us, then .

What the --

Okay. All right,
what the fuck?
Where's the money?

Exactly.

Where is the money?

These gentlemen...

have seriously jeopardized
our futures.

[ lndistinct shouting ]

[ Chanting ]
Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la.
Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la.

Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la.
Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la.

Doofer: l say
we split up the money,

and we go
our separate ways, man .

Doofer, we didn't
steal that money.

We didn't?

What just happened?

-- Maybe you left the safe open ,
and we got ripped off.
-- l locked it.

-- Well, if you locked it --
-- l'm positive. Look, Spence
has the only other key.

Yeah? Well , what the fuck
are we gonna do now?

-- Don't worry about it.
l'll figure it out.
-- Figure it out.

Just let me deal with my father
first, and then l'll get us
back in the house, okay?

-- [ lndistinct talking ]
-- Jesus, Dave.
You look like a mess.

Oh . . .well , you know
life at the house.

l remember. Things
get pretty crazy, huh?

Yeah , crazy.
[ Chuckles ]

Good news, son .

John Kloss, class of '54,
is coming to the
KOK-tail cruise.

l've set up
an interview for you .

Oh , that's great.

Great? lmpress John ,
and he'll groom you
to be his number two.

ln 1 0 years, you could be
running the biggest

annuity and liability
brokerage in the country.

All your hard work
in college will pay off.

-- Okay, dad .
-- Boys, you all know Dave.

He's head of the K.O.K.
social committee.

He tells me
he's going to throw

the mother of all
KOK-tail cruises this year.

Yeah ,
it's gonna be incredible.

lt's Dave's last year
at the KOK house,

and we all know
what that means.

-- Oh , yeah . No more free ass!
-- [ Laughter ]

Show us the strut, son.

[ Chanting ]
Strut. Strut. Strut.

K.O.K. alums: [ Chanting ]
Strut. Strut. Strut.

Strut. Strut. Strut.

Strut. Strut. Strut.

-- Strut. Strut. Strut.
-- [ Laughing ]

Strut. Strut. Strut. Strut.

[ Crickets chirping ]

Doofer: Hey, Dave, did they
make you do the strut?

Yeah .

-- [ Chuckles, sniffs ]
-- [ Chuckles ]

John Kloss is gonna
be there this year. My dad
set up an interview for me.

What?

-- Awesome, dude.
-- Oh . [ Sniffs ]

You get the job with
Kloss, you turn around ,
you hire us. We're set.

Dude, l'm not gonna
get the job with Kloss

if he thinks l stole money
from K.O.K. ,

and neither are you .

Oh , thanks for dragging me
down with you .

We just need to prove
that Spence stole the money.

Well , although
l hardly feel like

this is the appropriate time
to bring it up,

what about
the videotape, man?

What videotape?

The videotape of Adam
humping the Tri Pis, man .

Hmm?

Doofer,
what are you saying?

Well, l'd just finished
studying for some school

when l noticed Adam's
speaker was tipped over.

On the floor was
a little video camera

rigged
to a motion detector.

[ Slurring ]
l found a thing .

l noticed that its
input cable had come loose,

so l carefully traced it
to its source.

l got a thing . [ Groans ]

lt led to a metal footlocker
at the bottom of Adam's closet,

which was, you know,
already unlocked.

[ Grunting ]

lnside, l found
a videocassette recorder.

Well, naturally, since
it was his private property,

l didn't touch anything.

[ Groaning, panting ]

You could see the safe
right by his bed .

You were watching my tape?

[ Squeaky voice ] No.

[ Panting, moaning continue ]

-- You're a pervert! You're a
pervert! You're a pervert!
-- [ Grunting ]

No, no. Hey, hey, hey. Come on .
Come on . This is great.

Look, Spence is gonna be
on videotape.

Look, we need to
sneak back into the
house, get the tape,

and we're back in K. O.K.,
all right?

Well , how do we get
in , Dave? Tonight's
the ''all trim'' party,

and the only thing walking
through that door is tits.

[ All breathing heavily ]

l got a plan .

[ Kool & The Gang's
''Ladies Night'' plays ]

[ lndistinct shouting ]

Jeez-ass!

-- Mmm . . .
-- # Oh, yes,
it's ladies night #

-- [ All giggling ]
-- # And the feeling's right #

[ Clears throat ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
Um . . .hi .

We're here for the, um,
K. O.K. ''all trim'' --

l mean . . .
''all girl'' party.

[ All giggle ]

# Y'all got one #

[ High-pitched voice ]
Move.

[ Grunts ]

# From New York to Hollywood #

Act normal .

# lt's ladies night #

All right,
you get the tape.

We'll split up. Okay?

[ Normal voice ] Okay.

# Oh, yes, it's ladies night #

# Oh, what a night #

# Oh, yes, it's ladies night #

[ Door squeaks ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Gasps ]

Hey, nonny-nonny.

Excuse me.
ls this your room?

lt is now...

since l'm the new head
of the social committee.

Did Little Red Ridinghood
lose her way

to Grandma's bathroom?

Yes.

l have to tinkle.

[ Rapid footsteps, door slams ]

So, tell me your name,

and l won't
follow you home tonight.

Uh . . .Dina.

What?

Adina. My name is Adina.
What are you doing?

Oops.

[ Gasps ]

lt gets a lot bigger.

l gotta go!

[ lndistinct talking , laughter ]

This barrel thingy
isn't working.

Yeah, it's, like,
total foam.

[ High-pitched voice ]
Just like a man --

always laying around
while we do all the work.

Right, ladies?
[ Giggles ]

Why don't you go back
to your cave?

Twat.

[ Gasps ]

[ Pump squeaks, hisses ]

[ Groans ]

[ Breathing heavily ]

Any sign of Adam?

No.

[ Grunts ]

[ Normal voice ]
Jimmy moved into
our old room .

-- l couldn't get past him .
-- [ Sighs ]

-- This dress
is too goddamn tight.
-- Well , l told you .

Yeah , well , you don't have
the best selection when you
shop at Goodwill , all right?

[ Whistle blows ]

Pledge: Dogcatcher!

-- Fuckin' love this.
-- [ Chuckles ]

[ Cheering, laughter ]

[ Laughs ] See ya later,
big fat uglies!

Yeah !

[ High-pitched groaning ]

Frat assholes!

Oh , l hate them !

Just because you guys
are plus-size girls,

it doesn't mean
they have to be so mean .

Oh , are you okay? God .

[ Groaning continues ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
Well , we gotta go.

Oh , wait, wait,
wait, wait.

Have you guys
pledged a house,

or -- or do you --
do you want anything?

-- [ High-pitched voice ]
No. Come on .
-- Well, are you hungry?

# Girl #

# You'll be a woman soon #

So, where did you girls
say you were from again?

-- Newbury.
-- Bermuda.
-- Minnesota.

Well , we -- we transferred .
[ Chuckles ]

Well , um . . .good .

We're -- we're in the middle
of a membership drive.

Yeah -- free room and board
your first semester

if you pledge D.O.G .
[ Chuckles ]

But -- but no pressure,
really.

Are you sure
we should let them in?

They're a real
pack of barkers.

That is exactly
the type of attitude

that we have to fight
against, Susie.

l mean , D.O.G .
doesn't give in to. . .

-- [ Chewing , belching ]
-- media images of
what a woman should be.

We need to welcome
all types.

-- [ Normal voice ]
Let's pledge.
-- [ Spits ]

[ Normal voice ]
Yeah , good one.

No, it's only one night.

No, we take care
of business, and
we're back in K.O.K.

No fuckin' way.

Doofer,
what do you think?

l pledged
20 minutes ago, man .

Come on in.

Here we are.

Ohh !

lt's fully furnished ,

compliments of
last year's seniors.

But it --
it's nothing fancy.

Make yourselves at home.

This place is so clean .

Ooh , candles.
[ Chuckles ]

Welcome to
Delta Omicron Gamma.

Whoo.

[ Both chuckle ]

[ Sighs ]

Ooh . [ Chuckles ]

This place is great.

Look, let's at least
join Tri Pis,

where there's something
to look at.

Look at us. We're not
exactly Tri Pi material .

Yeah? Well , what
about clothes? We don't
have any more money!

Don't worry
about it, man .

There's all kinds of
leftover shit in here.

Oh , my God , man .
Look at this little handbag .

This'll go perfect
with my shoesies.

Holy --

So, most of us
know each other
from last semester,

but there are
a few new faces.

[ Chuckles ]

So let's go
around the room

-- [ Giggles ]
-- and share something
about ourselves.

l'm Leah ,
house president.

And . . .as most of you know,

l can get a little serious
about things.

[ Chuckles ]

[ All chuckling ]

Maybe even a little
too serious. [ Chuckles ]

That is so true.
lsn't it, girls?
lsn't it? lsn't it?

[ Giggles ]
Sure it is. Sure it is.

So, h-how 'bout you?

My name is Adina,
and l like sports --

football mostly.

Great. . .

Adina.

How about you?

Well -- well ,
my name's Daisy.

That's a pretty name.

Oh, thank you.

l was named after
my grandmother's sister

on my mother's side.

And l have to agree
with what you were
saying before.

You know, l look around
campus, and l see the way
that guys treat women .

And as a woman,
you know, l'm not
asking for anything

other than the respect
that any normal person
deserves, you know?

Yeah .

[ French accent ] Hi .
l -- l am an exchange
from France, no?

l love your American way.

Those skyscrapers and --
and -- and the baseball .

Ohh ! And -- and those
toilets that flush .

[ Translation ]
That's brilliant.

[ Loud whining New York accent ]
A-A-And l-l try

and get boys to like me,

and -- and they run
away, and l try and
run after them ,

but l can't 'cause --
'cause -- 'cause one leg's
shorter than the other!

lt's because of my voice,
isn't it?!

Susie: No, not at all.

Not at all .

You guys are super-duper!

[ Wheezing laughter ]

[ Deep voice ] Um . . .

My name is Patty.

Hi .

And as you can see,
l'm a giant.

l just want to fit in . . .

to anything .

M-My clothes. . .

My car.

l'm a very gentle person.

[ Gasps ]

You're beautiful to us,
Patty.

Thanks.

That helps.

Okay, that leaves one other
girl that we haven't. . .

heard from.

Would you like to share
something personal

with the group...

Robert. . .a?

Roberta. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ]

Um . . .personal?

Mm-hmm .

Well , um . . .
my name is Roberta.

And . . .

l'm addicted to porn ,
and l masturbate constantly.

Pillow fight! Pillow fight!

Oh!

[ lndistinct talking ]

Daisy: Roberta, stop! Stop!

[ Sniffs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Breathing heavily, snoring ]

[ Sighing ] Finally.

Oh , yeah .

Oh, yeah.

-- Hello?
-- Uh...

[ High-pitched voice ]
Yeah?

Who is that? l don't
have my contacts on .

Oh , it's, uh . . .
it's me --

Daisy.

Oh.

l hope you saved me
some hot water.

[ Normal voice ] Wow.

-- What?
-- [ High-pitched voice ]
Ow...

Ow. l-l-l got
a little soap in my eyes.

Oh , God . This warm water
feels so good .

Uh-huh .

[ Giggles ]

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Sighing ]

Ooh!

Well , l'm clean .

Clean , clean , clean .

[ Birds chirping ]

How do l look?

Well , l --

Personally, l think
you look better
with two tits.

Yeah .

Oh , shit, man . What
happened to my other --

Hey!

You're eating my bosom !

[ Gagging ]

Look, uh , just try to pay
a little more attention

to the details, you know?

Yeah .

We -- we don't have to be
babes -- just believable.

By this time tomorrow,
we'll be back in the house.

And after that,
we repress and deny

any memories of this
whole experience. . .right?

[ Gags ]

-- l look like shit.
-- No, you don't.

Yeah , l do.
l look like shit.

No, you don't.
You look beautiful .

That's easy for you to say.
You're pretty.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh , thanks, you know,

l just kind of
threw it together,
and , you know --

Ohh .

Aren't you , uh ,
late for class, you know?

-- Yeah .
-- Yeah .

-- Yeah , l'll see
you guys later.
-- Okay.

[ The Cars'
''My Best Friend's Girl'' plays ]

# You're always dancing
down the street #

[ Normal voice ]
Damn it.

# With your suede blue eyes #

Suck my dick.

# Every new boy that you meet #

# He doesn't know
the real surprise #

# Here she comes again #

# When she's dancing
'neath the starry sky #

# Ooh, she'll make you flip #

# Here she comes again #

# When she's dancing
'neath the starry sky #

# l kinda like
the way she dips #

ln our exploration
of the text,

we will learn about
objectification ,

subjugation ,
and obfuscation .

[ Door closes ]

Um, excuse me...

l think you're
in the wrong class.

This is Women's Studies 2b:
Femalehood ln Crisis.

Which satisfies my
''history of consciousness''
requirement, right?

Have a seat, please.

Mm-hmm.

[ Clears throat ]

The primary text
is my study,

''Histrionics
and the Male Demographic:

''Examination
of Gender Economics,

1 9 7 1 through 1 9 7 6. ''

Oh .

-- Huhh !
-- Huhh !

Party last night
was awesome, bro.

Thanks for putting up
the cash .

Hey, whatever it takes
to preserve the reputation
of K.O.K. ,

even if it means
paying for everything
out of my own pocket.

-- Ohh !
-- [ Thud ]

My collarbone!

[ Chuckles ]
Well , well , well .

Co-inky dinky,
my stinky pinky.

Here we are again .

Excuse me.

Phone moi .

[ lnhales deeply ]

[ Moans ]

Next class will be
a detailed discussion

on the myth
of the male orgasm .

-- To be prepared,
-- What the --

please read
chapters 1 through 1 6.

l strongly recommend
a study partner.

[ Bell rings,
indistinct talking ]

So, you know,
would you -- would
you like to, uh --

Fine.

Great.

Woman on television:
Let it burn! Come on, people!
Work it!

Woman #2: Here it is again.
She goes up, and she is
fouled hard.

-- Hey.
-- [ Normal voice ]
Oh , shit!

[ High-pitched voice ]
Oh ! Ooh !

-- [ Chuckling ] Sorry.
-- You startled old Roberta.

You shouldn't be watching
TV anyway, Roberta.

-- Ooh .
-- Your name's up
on the work wheel.

lt's your turn
to clean the bathroom.

Okay.

[ Normal voice ] Ugh .
l thought guys were pigs.

Plaque all over
the place. . .

Teeth scum . . .

What the hell is this?

What -- Oh , my God !

Goddamn ! Ugh !

lt's a fuckin' Wookiee,
man .

[ lmitates Chewbacca ]

Sick.

Oh ! Ugh !

Man , these chicks
are disgusting .

[ Katie sobbing ]

Oh , great.

[ Sobbing continues ]

-- [ High-pitched voice ]
Ooh ! Ooh !
-- [ Crash ]

[ Sobbing ] Roberta!

Ooh . . .

lt's okay.

lt's all right, dear.
Shh .

[ Sobbing ]

Yeah .

Oh , s--
oh , oh , sorry.

Oh .

Some -- some -- some. . .

Some. . .

Some guy put this
on my desk in class today!

l am not deaf!

Well , we -- we should
all be so lucky.
[ Chuckles ]

Hey, listen . Listen .

Shh . Shh .

You -- you forget him .

Your voice has real . . .

real . . .

personality.

Really?!

Y-Y-Yes, it does.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Wheezing laughter ]

Okay. Okay!

Now, listen ,
you forget about him ,

and you go and have
some fun -- fun , fun , fun .

[ Horn honks ]

-- Fat-ass dog girl !
-- Whoo! [ Barks ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Mother's ass!

Why do you let them
treat you like this?!

You can't be
a bunch of pussies...

[ All gasp ]

...your whole lives!

l hate this place.

Whoo! PMS !

Uhh !

Hey, Doof. . .
what do you think of this?

l borrowed it from Leah .
Huh?

That is pretty.

Yeah?

Wish l could fit
into a size 6, man .

Fuck all !

l can't take this!

Hey, what do you think
of this?

Do you think l'd look good
in this -- like a midriff
and the thing?

No, no. You need
something more that --

you know, something
that accentuates
your curves more.

What the fuck
is going on here?!

[ Scoffs ]
What's your problem?

What's my problem?

Where do l fuckin' start?

My bra's rubbing me raw,
l have a fat ass,

and l've twisted my ankle
three times today!

W-Why are you
wearing heels?

We're in college.
No one's wearing heels.

Heels are out, man --
last year. Hello.

Dude, they make my legs
look slimmer.

l have a fat ass.

[ Chuckling ]
No, you don't.

Yes, l do!

No, you don't.

Look, relax.
lt's gonna be okay.

No, it's not gonna be
okay.

Look at this.

Ugh , dude.
Man , that is nasty, dude.

Oh , Jesus.
Uh , what is that?

l don't know.

[ Groans ]

[ Panting ]

Oh , my God .

Adina, those are the worst
ingrown hairs l've ever seen.

Any of you girls

have any heavy-flow
maxi pads l could borrow?

l soaked through
an entire box this morning ,

and l had to use a whole
roll of toilet paper and --

[ High-pitched voice ]
Um . . .l used the last one.

[ Boys chuckle
in high-pitched voices ]

Sorry.

l gotta go.

[ Whimpers ]

Bye.

[ Normal voice ]
That poor girl .

l mean , she's so big .

[ Normal voice ]
She's like Paul Bunyan , man .

[ Laughs in normal voice ]

Do you have any idea
what this will do to us?

Hmm?

[ Scoffs ]

We're not supposed to know
about makeup or periods

or self-esteem issues.

You're not supposed to see
behind the curtain .

Look, you go
to a restaurant, right?

lt's your favorite place.
You've been going there
for years.

You order a bacon burger.

You don't want to
see some guy slit
a pig's throat,

toss it on top of
a dead cow -- no.

[ Chuckles ] You --
you just want to
enjoy your meal .

l'm getting that tape.

l'm getting
a bacon burger, man .

Psst, psst!

Jimmy!

Who's there?

-- Ohh !
-- [ Thud ]

Bro!

-- Hey!
-- Bro, it's you ! Oh , my God !
Where'd you go, man?

Everyone's been looking
for you !

Don't worry about it.
lt's complicated . Listen , l --

Wait!
Bro, l have awesome news!

l did what you said .
l got a girl .

A skank --
l banged her five times,

and she was begging
for more!

No, you didn't.

l mean , that's great.
That's great, Jimmy.

No, no.

Wait, l --
you're shunned .

l am not supposed to be
talking to you .

Hey, hey.
Hey, who's your true bro?

Huh? Who told you
about skanks?
lt was me, right?

[ Chuckling ] Yeah .

Spence told me
you'd say that.

Look, forget what Spence
is saying , okay?
We've been framed .

He told me
you'd say that, too.

Look, Spence is a lying
prick with his ass hairs
caught in a twist.

He told me
you'd say that, too.

Jimmy!

Duh !

Fuck.

[ All snoring ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Groans ] God .

[ Banging ]

No, sh--

Bad , bad , bad !

[ Muttering ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Beeping stops ]

What the fuck
are you doing , dipshit?

[ The Knack's
''Good Girls Don't'' plays ]

Hmm .

Oh !

# She's your adolescent dream #

# Schoolboy stuff,
a sticky-sweet romance #

# And she makes you
want to scream #

[ Squeaks ]

-- Hmm . . .
-- # Wishing you could get
inside her pants #

# So you fantasize away #

# While you're squeezing her #

-- [ Belches ]
-- # You thought
you heard her saying #

# ''Good girls don't'' #

# ''Good girls don't'' #

# But she'll be telling you,
''Good girls don't, but l do'' #

# So you call her
on the phone #

# To talk about the teachers
that you hate #

# And she says
she's all alone #

# And her parents won't be
coming home till late #

# There's a ringing
in your brain #

# 'Cause you could've
sworn... #

[ High-pitched voice ]
No, not there.

-- Aah !
-- # ... ''Good girls don't'' #

-- [ Coughs ]
-- Oh, isn't this fun?

# ... ''Good girls don't, ''
but she'll be telling you... #

Hey!

A little help, chunk.

# ''...But l do'' #

Ohh !

[ Laughs ]

[ All laughing ]

No, l --
l can do better!

# ... That you know
you can't erase #

-- Oh .
-- # Till she's sitting
on your face #

Coming through !
Coming through !

Aah ! Aah ! Ow.

-- Oh !
-- # ... ''Good girls don't, ''
but she'll be telling you... #

-- [ Horn honks ]
-- Hey!

Fat city!

Clear the way
for Buttzilla!

# ''Good girls don't'' #

# ''Good girls don't'' #

# But she'll be telling you,
''Good girls don't, but l do'' #

# ''But l do'' #

# ''But l do'' #

# ''But l do'' #

What?!

Uh . . .
[ Clears throat ]

A woman's face
with nature's own hand painted ,

hast thou, the master-mistress
of my passion.

A woman's gentle heart,

but not acquainted
with shifting change,

as is false
women's fashion.

Should l . . .
get under the table

and suck your cock
right now?

What? Right here?

Please -- a few lines
of Shakespeare,

and you expect
a girl to swoon .

No, l --

Next you'll be telling me
what kind of car you drive.

No, no, no, l'm not like that.
No, really.

By -- by taking this class,
l'm -- l'm trying to
get in touch with --

My breasts?

Yes -- No. No.

l know why
guys like you take
Women's Studies courses.

[ Sighs ] No, Leah .

l'm not like that.

l'm just --

Can we just study?
'Cause that's what
l came here for.

[ The Archies'
''Sugar Sugar'' plays ]

[ Glass shatters ]

# Sugar #

# Ahh, honey, honey #

# You are my candy girl #

# And you got me wanting you #

[ Groans ] How many times
do l have to say it?

The toilet is
for toilet paper
and toilet paper only!

Aah ! Uhh !

Another souffl? burnt!

l cannot concentrate
on my cooking !

Well , what's
your fucking problem?

Huh?

l mean , what --
what's wrong?

[ Chuckles softly ]
l want a boyfriend .

But, no.
They will not have me.

[ Translation ] But why?

Why?

Can l make a little,
teeny, tiny suggestion?

Now, just go up, up,
and flick,

just like that.

Ooh .

And after we get
the mustache,

maybe we can do
those armpits.

And , um , we can do
your knuckles

and your back,
your legs. . .

# Ahh, sugar, sugar #

. . .your ass.

So, um . . .who was
that cute guy l saw
you with at the library?

No. He's just some frat guy
l have to study with .

Oh .

'Cause, um...

Well, l got the feeling
he was gonna ask you out.

l would never date
a guy like that.

But don't you think
that maybe if you --

you got him alone,
away from the other frats,

he might actually be
a nice guy --

y-you know, underneath?

l can guarantee you

that guy is ''wham , bam ,
thank you , ma'am .''

No, no,
l hear he's, uh . . .

''Hello. How are you?

''You seem like a person
l'd like to get to know.

Can l take you out to dinner
sometime. . .ma'am?''

[ Both chuckle ]

l love when
you braid my hair.

-- [ Chuckles ]
-- [ Chuckles ]
lt feels so good .

How do l look?

You look. . .good .

-- Yeah?
-- Mm-hmm .

[ Knock on door ]

Katie:
Adina, are you in there?

[ High-pitched voice ]
Just a minute, please.

-- [ Knock on door ]
-- Adina, l really have to
pee-pee.

l said ,
''Just a minute, please.''

-- [ Knock on door ]
-- lt's tinkle time!

[ Door slams ]

l'm leaving .

Oh , no, no.

Yep.

No, 'cause l got
a plan , dude. Trust me.

That's your plan --
an aspirin?

Oh , trust me.
lt's not an aspirin .

You drop this little baby

in your little hairless
boyfriend's drink --

Hey. Jimmy's not
my boyfriend .

He drinks his drink,

he goes out like
a little light bulb,

and you go get
that tape, man .

Dude, is that a roofie?

No, that is not a roofie
right there in my hand .

Well , it doesn't matter,
all right?

'Cause l'm not
fuckin' doing it.

[ Sighs ] Huh .

Wait, this is actually
a good plan .

You go out on a date
and get him to take you
back to the house.

lf there's any problems,
just give me the signal .

l'll be right outside.
l'm your wingman .

How's this signal , huh?
l'm not doing it.

You know, KOK-tail cruise
is next week,

and with your grades
and extracurriculars,

you're gonna be lucky
if you even get a job.

[ Eerie music plays ]

Hey, college boy!

Time to tuck in
my hemorrhoids.

[ Chuckles ]

-- [ Glass shatters ]
-- [ Bobby Valentin's ''Use lt
Before You Lose lt'' plays ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
Uh , uh , uh , uh . . .

No.

Come in .

Take a load off.

So, you like my robe,
baby?

l only settle
for the very best.

Let's fuck.

Let's have a drink
first --

loosen things up
a little.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighing ] Yeah .

Ah .

Ooh , yeah .

[ Humming ]

Oh . . .

What's this --
bo x of pornos?

Yes. [ Chuckles ]

Ooh , ooh , ooh .

Someone having a bash?

Oh, l bet it's for
that famous boat party

you boys throw every year --
am l right?

Uh-huh.

[ Sighs ]

Vodka and cranberry
for milady?

What a good idea.

-- [ Knock on door ]
-- Leah: Daisy...

[ High-pitched voice ]
Yes?

Will you come
wash my hair for me?

So, you sassy
she-devil . . .

How 'bout some mellow tunes
to set the mood?

# Get out of my way #

# Ugly woman #

Ohh .

# You're not here to stay #

lt's awfully hot
in here.

Take off your bra.

l'll open the window.

Ooh ,
l'll dim the lights.

Aah !

# Get out of my way #

# You've been cheating
on me, baby #

Ahh . . .

Uh-oh .

# l'm gonna count
from one to three, baby #

Drink up, bitch .

# When l say do,
get out of my way #

l'm starting to
get in the mood .

Not without a toast.

# You're not here to stay #

# Get out of my way #

Tonight. . .

l lose my virginity. . .

to a woman l love.

# Get out of my way #

Right.

Drink up.

Oww!

[ Crash ]

Dave!

Where are you?!

The first time l tried
shoplifting , l got caught.

Me too --
l wanted a Twix,

but l thought l should
practice on something
l didn't like,

so l stole an onion
and got busted .

[ Both laugh ]

Daisy, stop poking me
in the butt.

Sorry.

Wingman !

Wingman !

Ugh !

Wuh . Oh !

Ohh !

Aaah !

Ohhhh !

[ Shivers, spits glass ]

[ Adina yells ]

Don't tell Leah ,

but sometimes l think

that life
would be a lot easier

if l just looked like
one of those Tri Pis.

l mean, do you know
what it feels like

to be a constant butt
of jokes?

[ Whimpering ] l do.

Do you know what
it feels like to
be called a freak,

to be humiliated
day in , day out

until your self-esteem
is so low,

you'd -- you'd walk
a mile out of your way

just to avoid looking
in a mirror?

Or to be. . .
peer-pressured

into crushing
hundreds of cans
of beer on your head

for nine years. . .

despite
the constant migraines

and the expensive
C A T scans?

[ Sobs ]

Roberta. . .

We love you .

[ Whimpering ] Ohh...

My giant.
My gentle giant.

[ Sobs ]

l feel like...

you girls
are my best friends

in the whole world.

A-And l think
it's time. . .

we stopped
moping around . . .

and started having fun .

[ Sniffles ]

What kind of fun?

[ Giggling ]

So -- so why do
they call it a
gravity bong?

l have no idea.

[ Leah and Daisy giggling ]

Oh, that tickles.

Stop that now.
Stop it.

[ Both giggle ]

Did you leave a
boyfriend or anything
back in Minnesota?

Oh , no, no.
My father didn't
want me to date boys.

Oh . Sounds
really controlling .

He is.

He expects me to
graduate, buy a house
in the suburbs,

and be part
of his old-boy network.

That's really. . .strange.

Well , uh . . .

[ Chuckles ]

Daisy, l think you deserve
better than that.

l mean , the only way
you're ever gonna be happy

is if you're true
to what you want.

Your dad's just
gonna have to accept

that you have to make
your own choices in life.

You know, you're right.
You are.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Swingin' Medallions'
''Double Shot'' plays loudly ]

[ Gasps ]
God ! Do you hear that?

l'm so sick of
those stupid frats
and their stupid music!

Oh , oh , oh -- your toes.

Watch the toes.
Watch your toes.

Oh . Sorry. God .
Do you mind doing it again?

Okay.

[ ''Double Shot'' playing ]

Like you're naughty, girls!
Like you're naughty!

Whoo-hoo!
[ Giggles ]

# Double shot of
my baby's love, yeah, yeah #

# Double shot... #

[ Music continues
in distance ]

You want to sleep over?

Ugh!

[ Panting ]

You . . .are strong
for a girl --

for a girl .

[ Growls ]

[ Normal voice ]
Guys are such idiots.

-- [ Grunts ]
-- [ Keys jingle ]

What --

-- [ ln slow motion ] Wingman !
-- Jimmy: ...l lose
my virginity to a woman . . .

Adam: Bring
the quality down . . .

-- [ Echoing ] Co-inky dinky,
my stinky pinky.
-- [ Echoing ] . . .Way down.

Who told you about skanks?

Frat boy: [ Echoing ]
Fat-ass dog girl!

[ Groaning ]

l banged her five times,

and she was begging
for more!

So. . .

Good night.

Uh . . .yeah .

Good night.

l had a really good time
tonight.

So did l .

l feel so comfortable
with you . . .

like l can tell you
anything .

Yeah .
Yeah , me too.

l'm glad you decided
to sleep over.

# Tiger Lily girl #

# Standin' cross-eyed
in the corner #

# Tiger Lily girl #

# Standin' tongue-tied
in the corner #

[ Whimpers ]

l'm...

really. . .really confused
right now.

[ Panting ] So am l .

l've never done this
before.

Me neither.

[ Sighs ]

l'm sorry.

l'm really sorry.

Why don't you . . .
come over here
and we'll talk?

l won't bite.

Come on .

Uh , l've got to go.

Ah . Ooh .

-- [ Sighs ]
-- [ Door closes ]

# She was a rough rider #

[ lndistinct talking ]

# A cool stroker #

-- Oh . Oh .
-- # A strong whiner #

Like it hurts, girls.

-- [ Grunting ]
-- # l had a hard night #

Make it sting , girls.

-- Hurt yourselves, girls.
-- # l had a hard night #

Oh !

Arggh !

Ooh .

See if there's more weed
in her pajamas.

Ooh l? l? l? l?!

[ Mutters ]

Let's spark up a bowl.

# Last night #

[ Laughs ]

# Last night #

[ Chuckles ]

# l feel so broke up today #

# l feel so broke up today #

[ High-pitched voice ]
Uh . . .

[ Angrily ] Jimmy,
where are the tapes?

What happened to
that box of pornos,
you little piece of shit?!

Jimmy! Jimmy!
l need my tape!

[ Exhales sharply ]
Oh , shit.

Huh?

[ Grunts ]

Can l help you?

[ Cheers and applause ]

K.O.K.s: [ Chanting ] The girl
was fair who went upstairs

with her favorite KOK.

She knocked around
and came back down ,

and now she takes the walk.

The wa--

Ooh !

[ Slaps ]

Young man: Whoa!

[ Giggling ]

-- [ Camera shutter clicks ]
-- [ Gasps ]

[ Giggling ]

[ Door closes ]

Hey, where you been , man?
Did you get that tape?

No.

Where's Dave?

Ahh !

That's weird .

What the hell
is on your skirt, ma--

Oh!

Uh . . .gum . . .
or something .

Yeah?
What flavor was it?

Big juicy cock?

l don't know what you mean .

[ Door opens, closes ]

Nothing happened .

Dude,
did you get the tape?

The tape?

Yeah .

Ohh .

The tape.

Let me tell you
about the tape, Dave.

Somewhere between the ribs
and the rohypnol ,

l had the tape.

But what happened?

You fucked me over,
Dave!

And now the tape
is in a blue crate
on its way to the boat!

So. . .
you didn't get the tape?

Where were you
last night, Dave?

Uh , well , l was --

What happened
to the wingman , huh?

You were with her,
weren't you?

You left me hanging
in the wind .

Oh , is that what
they're calling it now?

Shut up, Doofer!

[ Sobbing ] Ohh !

[ Sniffles ]

You betrayed me
to be with a DO G!

You're calling her
a dog?

Dog , dog , dog .
[ Snarls ]

Have you looked
in the mirror lately?

You know, l can't
even believe Jimmy
even asked you out.

You know, you're the joke
of the whole house!

You're not half the woman
she is!

-- You take that back!
-- No.

-- You take it back!
-- No.

[ Sobs ] l just want
to stop the fighting.
l want us to be friends!

Shush !

Well , you tell this bitch

that a friend would've
had my back last night.

[ Sobs ]

[ Scoffs ] Looks like
Jimmy got there first.

Aaaagh !

[ Growling ]

-- [ Crunch ]
-- Aaaahh!

Aaaaaahh !

-- Ohh-ohh !
-- Aaaaaahh !

[ High-pitched voice ]
You and your new girlfriend
could care less what
happens to me!

l waited all night
for you !

Ooh ! A lovers' quarrel !

-- [ Crunch ]
-- Ohhh !

[ Thud ]

Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! Ahh !

[ Gasps ]

[ Coughing ]

Ahhh !

[ High-pitched voice ]
Ha! You throw like a girl !

Waa!

-- [ Thud ]
-- Oh !

Yaaaah !

[ Coughing ]

Ohh !

-- [ Thud ]
-- Ooh , that hurt!

That all you got?

You're gonna pay!

[ Gasps ]

Waahh !

[ Normal voice ] Hey.

So, you wanna play?
Let's play.

[ Normal voice ] Oh ,
is that supposed to scare me?

[ Whimpers ]

Adina, catch !

[ Rattling ]

[ Both grunting ]

Yah !

Yaahh !

Ahh !

[ Grunting continues ]

Ohh !

[ Grunting continues ]

[ Growls ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
Girls, stop it!

Eat it!

[ Gags ]

[ Thud ]

Ohh !

[ Air whooshes ]

Yah !

Yah !

Okay, easy, now.

Go easy.

[ Groans ]

Ahh !

[ Groans ]

-- [ Gasps ]
-- Oh !

Ohh !

[ Growling ]

You don't understand
what l'm going through , Dave!

This is killing me!

l was the go-to guy
at K.O.K. , okay?

Now look at me.
Look at me!

l'm ugly!

l would never fuck me!

That's -- that's not true.
That's not true.

You had sex
with Lisa Philbin .

Yeah.
Remember her, huh?

You're much prettier
than she is.

Aaaahh !

Football ! Football .

What?

Football . Look, huh?
Look at that.

l don't get it.

Who gets to go to
the KOK-tail cruise
every year? Huh?

Tri Pis.

Technically, it's whoever
wins the powder puff
football game.

Yeah?

With you, me, and Doofer
on the DO G team,

the Tri Pis
don't stand a chance.

Look, we win the game,
we get on the boat,

we get the tape.

That's good .

Yeah.

Yeah . lt's perfect.

We get on the boat,
you meet with Kloss,

you get the job,
you hire me and Doofer!

[ Laughs ]

DOGs are gonna be
on the KOK-tail cruise.

Oh , l'm not going anywhere
looking like this.

No, sir.

Why would we want
to play football?!

[ High-pitched voice ]
Why. . .would you want
to play football?

Yeah !

Haven't you read the studies
about sports and self-esteem?!

[ Whimpering ] Mnh-mnh .

l wouldn't mind
a little self-esteem .

l say we go out there,

and we knock their tits
in the dirt!

[ All cheering ]

Let's do it!

[ Crowd cheering ,
air horn blowing ]

They don't look so tough .

[ Whistle blows ]

Young woman: Okay,
we're gonna do this.

All : Ready? Break!

[ Cheering continues,
whistling ]

[ Man wolf-whistles ]

Uh-oh .

[ Whistle blows ]

Girls! Girls!
Remember what we learned !

Come on !

[ lndistinct conversations ]

All : Huh !

[ Crowd cheers ]

[ Normal voice ]
Come and get it, ladies.

Aah !

Look out.

-- [ Crunch ]
-- Aa-aa-aa-ahh !

[ Doofer cries ]

[ Cheering ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Whoo! Yeah , bitches!

Whoo!

[ Cheering and whistling ]

Aaaaaaaahh !

[ Doofer continues crying ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
This is supposed to be
touch football !

-- Aah ! Aah !
-- Young woman:
Are you all right?

[ High-pitched voice ]
Oh , my ba--gina!

My -- she kicked me
in the vagina!

Stretcher!

Ohh! Get the giant!

l want my giant!

Aaaaaahh !

Thank you , giant.

Watch my vagina.

Aaaahh !

Aaaah !

Aaah !

Ohh !

All : DOGs rule! Break!

All right!

[ Normal voice ]
Bunch of pink nightmares.

[ Cheering continues ]

[ Clears throat ]

Get your eyes off my tits,
rug muncher.

[ High-pitched voice ]
Blue 42 !

Hut! Hut!

[ lndistinct shouting ]

Oww!

Aah !

Adina, l'm open !

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

[ All groan ]

[ Tri Pis grunting ,
Dave groaning ]

DOGs don't go
on the cruise.

Adina! Aaaaah!

Announcer: That's the
second injury to the
DO Gs this quarter.

She may be hurt pretty badly.

[ Cheering and whistling ]

lt's a go.

Hit it!

[ Squeaking ]

Aah !
Aah !
Aah !

[ Crowd cheering ,
Tri Pis screaming ]

[ Normal voice ]
That's my trick.

What?

[ High-pitched voice ]
Nothing .

[ Cheering and screaming
continue ]

[ Cheering ]

Why are they cheering?!

l don't know!

God , that is so weird .

lt's payback time.

-- Not till l tell you .
-- Ready? Break!

Get against that line.
Show 'em !

Hey, Leah , next
to the receiver.
Cover the receiver.

Hey, back, Katie.
Get over there.

Okay.

-- You don't wanna
mess with me!
-- 25! 32 !

Oh , l'm in your head now!
Oh , l'm in your head now!

-- Feel it!
-- Hut! Hut!

Waaaaaahh !

[ Booing ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Announcer:
DO Gs' ball. First and 1 0.

Okay, this one's going
to yours truly.

Ready?

All : Break!

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Young woman:
Yeah, Adina!

Young woman #2:
Adina rules!

[ DOGs cheering ,
crowd booing ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Get that fat-ass bulldyke
no matter what it takes.
Ready?

All : Break!

[ Music plays ]

[ Echoing ] # Yeah #

[ Echoing ] # Yeah #

Blue 48!

Hey, everybody. . .

This is the DOG
that Jimmy backdoored !

Announcer: Evidently,
the quarterback is
Jimmy's new girlfriend.

-- No!
-- [ Football slaps hands ]

All : Yaaaaaahh !

[ Groans ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Tri Pis grunting ,
Adam groaning ]

[ Whistle blows ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Okay.

5-step buttonhook.
Be ready.

The ball's coming fast.

Katie: We're over here!

Yeah . Come on .

[ Groaning ]

[ All gasp ]

Times out! Times out!

[ Whistle blows ]

Announcer: That's the DO Gs'
final timeout.

We can't win
without you , Adina.

-- Right.
-- Right.

Listen up. . .all of you .

l am not gonna let you
give up on yourselves.

[ Breathing heavily ]

When l first pledged
the D.O.G . house. . .

l thought, ''My God ,
what a bunch of losers.''

But l was wrong.

This house...

has more heart
and more loyalty

than the Tri Pis ever had .

l mean , sure, they may give
great blow jobs, but. . .

we're a family.

Yeah , you know. . .

l think we're still
in this game.

Still in it?

You're damn right
you're still in it!

You can win this thing !

Leah: Okay, the name of the
play is ''Patty up the middle. ''

Me?

On two? On two.
Ready?

All : Go DOGs!

[ Shouts indistinctly ]

Red 64!

Red 64!

Hike!

All : Yaaaahh !

[ Cheering and whistling ]

[ Groans ]

[ Cheering and whistling
continue ]

[ Whistle blows ]

[ lndistinct shouting ]

Are you all right,
Patty?

Yeah , l guess so.

Chickenshit.

Yeah , go back
to your huddle, freak.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah , Sasquatch .

What did you call me?

Um , chicken . . .shit.

No, after that.

Sasquatch?

No, before that.

Freak?

That was it.

Thanks.

[ Growling ]
Let's try ''Patty up the middle''

one. . .more. . .time.

What do we do?

Get out...of the way.

Announcer: This should be
the last play of the game.

Hike!

Aaaaahh !

Ugh !

Yaah !

Young woman: Patty!

[ Growls ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Hyah !

[ DOGs cheering ]

[ Cheering continues ]

Who's number one?!

All : D.O.G . !

[ Cheering ]

[ Horn honks ]

Fat ass!

[ Horn honks ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Horn blares ]

[ Normal voice ]
lt's true.

Sports does improve
self-esteem .

[ Normal voice ]
Leah's the first girl l met
l could really talk to.

Maybe l should
just tell her.

No! Not after what
we've been through , man .

Come on .
Eyes on the prize, Dave.

We're almost
out of this.

Watch it, dog !

You watch it,
plastic tits.

Oh !

Do you believe
that bitch?

You going back
to the house?

[ Normal voice ]
l gotta stop and get
some more lipstick, man .

Yeah , l'll go with you .
l need a new dress.

[ Soft music plays ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
Oh , hi .

Can l help you
find some-- ugh!
[ Clears throat ]

Uh , hi .

l'm going to a very big ,
important party tonight,

and l need to look
absolutely perfect.

Can you tell me which
shade of lipstick
looks best on me?

Um . . .uh . . .

Um, oh...

Maybe the orange.

Orange. What
an excellent suggestion .

E-- Hello?

Hello? Hello?

So, once we get the tape
off the boat, then what?

We show it at the
national chapter meeting
tomorrow morning ,

we bust Spence's ass,
we return to K.O.K. ,

and we roll our wieners
back out.

W-Well -- what do l --
what do l tell Leah?
l mean , what happens to Daisy?

Daisy, Adina, and Roberta
are going to disappear.

And this. . .never happened .

Well , l have to tell Leah
something .

Tonight, Daisy could
tell Leah that she's
going back to Minnesota.

Oh , that's so stupid .
That's such a cop-out.
Come on .

Ah . l'm sure this would
look good on an anorexic.

Why can't they
design dresses

for girls who need to hide
a big caboose?

You know,
you really don't have a --

Oh ! Please be a size 8.
Please be a size 8.

Yes! !

DO Gs: D. O. G. !

[ Cheering ]

[ lndistinct conversations ]

Young woman : Whoo!

Young man : Whoo!

[ Ship horn bellows ]

Tri Pis: No DO Gs allowed!

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, you fat cows!
Whoo!

We were stupid to believe
we'd ever get on that boat.

[ Howling ]
Ay-ay-ay-ayooh!

That's our party!

And we're going .

All right?

Roberta: l've got a plan.

[ The Four Tops'
''l Can't Help Myself'' plays ]

Nothing beats the sea air

whistling up my dress,
ladies.

# Whoo #

# Sugar pie, honey bunch #

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

This way to the
little girls'
room , right?

Yes,
it's right that way.

Oh !

[ Both laugh ]

Where's that kid of yours,
anyway?

Let's get this over with
so l can go tomcatting .

He's around here
somewhere.

# Come and you go #

[ Muffled scream ]

[ Muffled scream ]

[ Muffled screams ]

[ Laughing ] Whoo!

Yo, bro,
why am l dancing with you?

# l'm tied
to your apron strings #

Dude, l don't know.

# And there's nothing
that l can do #

D.O.G .s in the hi-ouse!

[ Up-tempo dance music plays ]

Mm-hmm .

Ha ha ha ha!

Adina.

Where did
all the Tri Pis go?

[ Sobbing and murmuring ]

Hey.

Let's dance.

[ Slow-tempo music plays ]

Mr. Kloss, Spence Rivington ,

president of K.O.K. ,
class of zero-two.

-- Hello, son .
-- Listen, sir...

l heard you're trying to fill
a position in your company,

and l have to tell you ,
l'm like the beer in the mug .

l'm the guy
to fill your position .

l . . .know this
isn't easy for you .

Oops.

lt's not easy for me
either, but, um . . .

l'm willing to commit
if you are.

[ Music continues ]

One second , son ,
all right?

We're trying to watch
a little girl party
over here, okay?

No, um . . .

l love lesbos.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry.

Um . . .

You know, uh . . .

l've decided l'm moving
back to Minnesota.
[ Chuckles ]

But. . .we can , uh . . .

we can still be together. . .
in a different way.

l mean , l'm -- l'm --
l'm moving , but
l'm not moving .

l don't understand you .
[ Scoffs ]

You know, we can talk
all night when we're alone,

but we go out
in public, and you're
a different person .

[ Scoffs ]

l can't do this, Leah .

l thought dating a
girl would be easier
than dating a guy.

lt's the same story.

[ Up-tempo disco music plays ]

Care to dance?

Oh , l don't think --

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

No.

[ Grunts ]

Davey! John Kloss.

[ Chuckles ]
l thought that was you .

[ Disco music continues ]

So, your dad tells me

you'll be a valuable member
of team Kloss.

Oh , absolutely. Yes.

Good !

Because we start every day
promptly at 1 0:00 A.M.

Welcome aboard , son .

All right.

Let's go upstairs.

There's a tall ,
dark-haired beauty
with an ass like an apple

l can't wait
to sink my teeth into.

[ Chuckles ]
l know the one.

[ High-pitched voice ]
Aah !

[ Normal voice ]
Relax! lt's me.

-- [ Normal voice ]
What are you doing?
-- l'm hiding from Jimmy.

Shut the door!
Shut the door! Come on !

Hey, where's Doofer?

Looking for your tape.

Yeah?
Did you talk to Kloss?

-- l got the job.
-- Are you serious?

-- And l can pick my own staff.
[ Laughs ]
-- Oh ! Oh , yeah !

-- Bonus once a year!
-- Oh , that's great, man !
Great!

[ Gasps ]

[ Scoffs ]

Minnesota, huh?

[ Door slams ]

[ High-pitched voice ]
Leah , wait.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Let her go.

We still got work to do.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ lndistinct conversations,
laughter ]

Excuse me.

How would you like
to go to bed with
a very rich man?

[ Scoffs ]

Ow!

[ Chuckles ]

-- [ Grunts ]
-- Oh !

[ Both laughing ]

You see that one
over there?

-- Yeah .
-- Yeah .

Got a real attitude
on her.

What do you say we play
a little dogcatcher?

[ Howls ]

For old times' sake?

[ Laughter ]

[ Whistle blows ]

Men: Dogcatcher!

Leah: Ow! Let go of me!

Leah !

[ Grunts ]

[ Groans ]

Put her down !

Leave her alone,
you fucking dickheads!

Frederique: Piss and shit!

[ Growling ]

Careful, now!

Piss and shit!
Piss and shit!

Men: One...

Two --

[ High-pitched voice ]
Stop!

Put her down .

Hold on , darling .
You'll get your chance.

-- [ Laughter ]
-- One. . .

Men : Two --

[ Normal voice ] Dad !

[ Leah grunting ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

David?

Dave?

Yeah .

[ Gasps ]

Good Lord , Daisy.

You look like a man .

Oh , Leah , l can explain .

Give us another chance!

l can live with the fact
that you don't love me,

but maybe with time,
you could learn to --

[ Normal voice ] Hey!

lt ain't gonna happen .

[ Crowd gasps ]

l'm a dude.

Bro?

Dude, you plugged
your big bro!

[ Groans ]

Ow!

Ow!

There's mutiny afoot.

[ Groans ]

Convene the High Council .

We must punish these thieves

to the full extent
of the original charter.

Any last words, gentlemen?

Yeah .

Hey, you see those girls
out there?

Well, you guys treat them
like garbage.

Why?

What, so you can feel
like real men?

You all should be ashamed
of yourselves.

You know, l learned more
in one week at D. O. G.

than l learned in four years
at K.O.K.

And after seeing myself
through their eyes,

l don't want to be a KOK
anymore.

No?

That's sweet.

ls that all?

[ Normal voice ]
You just wait a minute,
there, puffy head .

What's that?

Oh , nothing --
just a little videotape

of you stealing the money
out of that safe!

[ People murmuring ]

He's bluffing .

No. No. No, he's not.

Uh-huh . Uh-huh .

ls this it?

No, l don't think it is.

lt's all right.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Grunting ]

Waa-ha-ha!

[ Crowd cheering ]

See? He lied .

Just a pathetic
stall tactic.

[ Clank ]

Look!

[ Crowd gasps ]

l'll teach them
to humiliate me.

That's not me.

l'll show them who has
real class, because now
l've got all the money.

Who's got the class now?

Not you . Not them .

John -- uh , l mean ,
Mr. Kloss, l can
explain everything --

-- Tell it to the High Council .
-- lt's time to get even.

[ All chanting ]
Boo-la. Boo-la.

Boo-la. Boo-la.

-- Boo-la.
-- Boo-la. Boo-la. Boo-la.

Spence: No, not the mice! No!
-- Boo-la. Boo-la.

-- Aaaaaaaahh!
-- Boo-la. Boo-la.

-- [ Splash ]
-- Boo-la. Boo-la.

My collarbone!

Do you promise to
faithfully administer
the office of presidency?

Yup.

And do you solemnly
swear to uphold the
values of brotherhood?

Yeah .

Do you promise to
maintain the superior
social traditions

of Kappa Omicron Kappa,
forsaking all others?

No.

[ Chuckles ]
That's cool .

Hi .

l quit the house.

l'm so happy for you .

Listen , l know you can never
trust me after what l did ,
but l'm glad it happened .

What?

Under normal circumstances,

we never would have gotten
to know each other.

l mean , let's face it --
you had me pigeonholed as
a certain kind of person ,

and the same was true
about me.

So that's why l'm glad
it happened,

'cause you're a person
l can talk to.

l wasn't afraid
to tell you things

l never talked about
with anyone.

Like when you lost
your virginity

to the bass player
who had huge balls, right?

Yeah , actually, that --

that happened
to my cousin Maggie.

Look, you don't
have to forgive me.

l just --

l just wanted you
to know that meeting
you changed my life.

[ Voice breaking ]
Changed whose life?

The sweet girl
from Minnesota?

Or the guy scamming on me
in Women's Studies?

Or the lesbian?

Or the transvestite?

Who?

Me.

Dave.

[ Al Green's ''Love ls
A Beautiful Thing'' plays ]

So, you're still
my little bro, right?

Yeah . . .

Yeah .

All right.

Can l ask you something?

[ Chuckles ]

This is coming
outta nowhere.

You remember that night?

You know -- our ''date.''

[ Chuckles ]

Nothing happened , right?

Huh?

# Let's do it right, now,
baby #

Right.

[ Laughs ]

l didn't think so.

[ Laughing ]

# You're all l need #

# Soul to soul, fire to fire #

# Nothing like
this man's desire #

# Love is a beautiful thing #

She's my friend . . .

so treat her nice.

Go on .

# Love is a beautiful thing #

# lt's so beautiful #

# Beautiful #

# Love is
such a sweet emotion #

# l want to share it all
with you #

Yum .

Mmm .

Mmm . Mmm . Mmm .

# There ain't nothing
in this world we can't do #

# Oh, tonight #

# l want to thank you, baby #

# You make my life complete #

# Soul to soul, fire to fire #

# Nothing like
this man's desire #

So. . .

How's. . .Daisy doing
in Minnesota?

# One to one, you and me #

Well , uh . . .

She's, uh . . .

taking the semester off
to. . .get her head straight.

Oh . Right.

She's a. . .

very confused woman .

Hmm .

l know the feeling .

lf you talk to her,
will you , um , tell her l . . .

l feel like
l lost my best friend?

Well , l know for a fact
that she feels the same way.

Do you think
she'd be jealous if. . .

you and l . . .

took a shower together?

l'll talk her through it.

# Soul to soul, fire to fire #

# Nothing like
this man's desire #

# Love is a beautiful thing #

# One to one, you and me #

# Oh, l know it's our destiny #

# 'Cause love
is a beautiful thing #

# So beautiful, so beautiful #

# Stay together
through thick and thin #

# Now l know l got a friend #

# 'Cause love
is a beautiful thing #

You look so tan .
[ Giggles ]

Thanks.
You look so thin .

Thanks. [ Giggles ]

[ Both giggle, sigh ]

[ ''Girl U Want'' plays ]

# She sings from somewhere
you can't see #

# She sits in the top
of the greenest tree #

# She sends out an aroma
of undefinable lust #

# lt drips on down
in a mist from above #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# You hear her calling
everywhere you turn #

# You know you're headed
for the pleasure burn #

# But words get stuck
on the tip of your tongue #

# She's the real thing,
but you knew it all along #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah #

# Look at you
with your mouth watering #

# Look at you
with your mind spinning #

# Why don't we just admit
it's all over? #

# She's just the girl
you want #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# Uh-huh, the chick #

# She's just the chick #

# The chick you dig #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# Look at you
with your mouth watering #

# Look at you
with your mind spinning #

# Why don't we just admit
it's all over? #

# She's just the girl
you want #

# She sings from somewhere
you can't see #

# She sits in the top
of the greenest tree #

# She sends out an aroma
of undefinable lust #

# lt drips on down
in a mist from above #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you want #

# She's just the girl,
she's just the girl you want #

# She's just the girl #

# She's just the girl #

# The girl you wa-a-a-a-a-nt # #

[ Up-tempo instrumental music
plays ]

[ Music fades, stops ]

Are you done
with Ashley's leg?

Oh , sure.

Be my guest.

[ Sighs ]

[ Crunch ]

Mmm .

Thanks.