So Undercover (2012) - full transcript

I told you they would be here.

All right.
What's your secret?

How did you know this time?

Dad, I'm not really
getting anything.

He's good.

Checking his watch.

Our Senator's a busy man.

They're walking in.

I'm following them.
I'm going in.

This is my jam.

It's a good one.



They're going
into the north penthouse.

You gotta go down to 2206.

Would you like your room
turned down? Hello?

What accent is that?

I don't know, like a Scottish
mixed with Salma Hayek.

We need to workshop
that a little more.

The room is clear.

Vertigo moment.

What do you mean?
What are you doing?

Molly, what's going on?
I can't see.

What's happening out there?

Please be careful.

I have a will.

I need to leave
my nothing to someone.



I will not plunge to my death.

Do not plunge to your death.

Oh, my God.

Be very careful, please?

Dad, I've got it.

Oh, my God.

Hey!

What the--

It's a party of three.

What does that mean?

It was
a ménage a gross.

Just get out of there.
It doesn't matter.

Get back here!

I'm in the northeast stairwell.

I'm on the roof.

Tell me what's going on.

How do I get out of here?

Shit.

I don't like it when you swear.

Well, well, darling.

Here we are.

Molly? Where are you?

Molly?

You get the pictures
you need?

I'm not the one cheating.

No, you're the one taking
the dirty pictures of it.

You're the lowest of the low,
you know that?

You're beneath the paparazzi.

That hurts.

Then just give me the camera.

I said give me the camera!

Okay!

Nice and slow.

That a girl.

Now give it to me.

Catch!

No!

I am not the paparazzi!

Excuse me? Can I talk
to you for a second?

I'm not really the sugar daddy type
and I'm kind of busy here.

I understand.

Excuse me? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to bother you.

This woman has been following you
and taking your picture.

I know she doesn't look it, but she's
a private investigator

that's been hired by your wife

to prove you're
cheating on the road.

She doesn't have
any evidence,

so if you pop down
to the next stop

I'm sure you could find
a waitress that you could

that you could talk your way
into her pants.

Looks like you just freed up.

Armon Ranford, FBI.

Have you heard
of the Georgian Mafia?

A group of these monsters

immigrated into the United
States 15 years ago,

led by a guy
named Vor Kashalov.

He deals with drugs,
fraud and extortion.

And what's this
have to do with me?

We're leveling an indictment
against Kashalov this afternoon.

His chief witness
is a guy named Jason Patrone.

Patrone did the books for Kashalov
without knowing it.

And we are in the process
of convincing Jason Patrone

to testify against Vor.

And I got a grilled
cheese for lunch.

-What?
-What is your point?

My point is Patrone's daughter
goes to college in New Orleans,

and we want you
to keep an eye on her.

Don't you have someone
at the bureau that can do that?

Our trainees would have
a pretty difficult time

passing as a college
sorority girl.

They're pretty beefy
and they got mustaches.

And that's just the women.

I did my homework on you.
Your mother died when you were young.

You were raised by your father,
and by proxy,

most of the Dallas
police force.

At eleven, you became
a really great shot,

and you're well versed
in Jiu Jitsu.

I'm an Aikido man myself.

Sorry.

Why are you sorry?

Aikido is a fashionable way
for fat housewives

to lose weight
at their local Equinox.

Are you calling me
a fat housewife?
Yeah.

You don't think that Jiu Jitsu
is a dated form?

No. It's the most
effective defense system

when it comes
to overcoming size.

Please!I'm serious.

With the right amount
of leverage and speed,

I'd drive you
through that window.

If you were behind
the wheel of a forklift.

This is a waste of my time.

You know what a heart hit is?

Never heard of it.

It's an Eastern European
enforcement practice.

The family
will plant someone

into the life of a loved one
of their enemy.

The plant will work their way
into the life of the target.

Get close to them.

So the threat of a hit alone
prevents testimony.

Exactly. There is
a heart hit planted

on Jason's daughter's life.

Her name is Alex Patrone.

We think she's holding
something for her father.

Some evidence
against Kashalov.

Financial statements,
accounting ledgers
that provide her dad

with a bargaining chip
of some sort.

I can't do it.
I'm needed here.

Fifteen thousand.

I've got a kid.

No, you don't.

Your dad
got kicked
off the police force

who loves to gamble.

Same thing.

I'm offering you a chance
to do something real.

A chance to work
for the FBI.

A chance to possibly make
a real difference
in someone's life.

Think about it, Molly,

because we both know
that chasing cheating truckers

is not the top rung
of investigative fulfillment.

My card.

In case you change your mind.

Not going to.

Where were you?

Oh, I had dinner
with the guys.

That coffee cup you're holding
is from Rolly Roasters,

and there's
only two franchises
in the Dallas area.

At the airport
and Lone Star Park.

You always
read the newspaper
at dinner with the guys,

yet that newspaper
you're holding
hasn't been opened yet.

And that red stamp
on your hand
gives you access

to the box seat section.

So tell me, Dad,

how was the track?

You're too quick
for me, Moll.

How much?

I was so close to getting
that money for that lawyer.

I was so close
to getting back
on the force and then

Really! I was just
one hot streak away.

Dad.

And then I lost.

Then I chased.

How much?

Seventeen thousand.

Armon.

What is this place?You'll see.

We've gained you entry
to Alex's sorority.

You're a transfer
from University of Hawaii.

Obscure school.
Far away. Smart.

But I need more money.What?

Listen, I'm gonna take the gig.
I'm gonna go to the college.

I'll even throw in
some lipstick.

But I need five grand more.

Fine, but you're gonna do
a lot more than just
put on lipstick.

Okay, you're like,
40 minutes late!

Who's this?

I'm Bizzy.

You're busy?

No, Molly,
her name is Bizzy.

She works out
of the New York office.

So what's this look
we're rocking? Hobo chic?

I don't get it.

Okay, you have to like try on
all these clothes.

Fine.

No, Molly, you say
"“totall"” or you say

its shorter cousin"“tote"”
when you want to say"“fine"”

Okay then, let's go.

Accessories.

Marc Jacobs' Aussie
tote in fuchsia.

The essentials.
Maybelline Shine
Sensational Lip Gloss

in"“cherry kis"”
and"“crushed candy"”

Mac Luster Lipstick
in"“quiet please"”

Molly.
This is Zingadi.

He's the bomb dot com
when it comes to hair.

Extra sugar free
dessert delights

in mint chocolate chip
and strawberry shortcake.

Double bubble bubblegum gum,
two packs.

They blindfolded me
when they drove me here.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That was totes inappropes.

No, I liked it.

It's kind of like
my last Craigslist experience.

Amaze balls.

A what balls?

This is the Kappa
Kappa Zeta pecking order.

You're gonna need to know this
to fit into the house.

At the top,
we've got Sasha Stolezinsky.

She is ruthless
and power hungry

and runs the house
with an iron fist-ish.

She's like Khadafi
with highlights.

In-styler rolling hot iron.
Trust me. You'll need it.

If binging and purging
were a crime, she'd be
on death row.

Do you know
what I'm saying?Not really.

I cut my hair myself.

In an earthquake?

These are her
top three lieutenants.

Cotton, Taylor, and Hunter.

Cotton, Taylor, Hunter.

They were conceived
while their parents

were having sex
in an L.L. Bean outlet store.

This is your target
right here. Alex Patrone.

You are her best friend.Got it.

Bravo wicked thin
lubricated condoms,
size large, jumbo pack.

Yeah, I won't
be needing those.

Oh! It's like a sad animal
attempted suicide on her head.

You both know
I'm sitting right here.

If anyone can do it, you can.
You're the hair whisperer.

This is your phone.

What did you do?
Rob a nine-year-old?

No, you're actually going
to use this phone.

It's got
a built-in Kappa app

with information on all
of your sorority sisters.

Kappa app?That's right.

And this one
you will not use.

But keep it on you
and on at all times.

Why?

Because that's how
I'm going to find you.

You'll receive a text.

What if I need to call you?You'll get a text.

So if I need to call you,
I'm going to get a text?

Correct.Makes no sense.

Kappa phone,
bat phone.

Don't call it a bat phone.Why not?

It belittles the importance
of the phone.

Okay. I'm sorry,
but I'm calling it
a bat phone.

No. The bat phone was red,
and it was a land line,

and Bruce Wayne
used it for calls,

and you're only using that
to receive texts!

I don't see the point, okay?Okay.

And this right here

is your brand new
Volkswagen EOS.

Come on, can't I ride
my bike to school?

Girls your age
would jump up and down

for a chance
to drive this thing.

I'm not like
most girls.

Brook Stonebridge is.

Who's Brook Stonebridge?

It's your new identity.

Are you serious?

That's not a name.
That's a gated community.

I really don't care.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit.

Oh, my God.

Try it.

Try what?

You say,"”Oh my Go" when you
want to say"“holy shit"”

Oh, my God?

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

It's a fashion miracle.

Oh. My. God.

Brook Stonebridge.

Hi, I'm Brook Stonebridge.
Nice to meet you.

I can't believe
you're canceling!

Cameron, it's Kappa
welcome back night!

I have to be there.

You're choosing
your sorority
over my father?

Cotton? Listen to me.
I'm late as it is.

I still have to shave
my chest and meditate

before I meet my parents.

So just meet us
at the horse show.

Cameron, I told you.
I can't!

Cotton, sometimes you can be
such an insipid idiot!

Cameron, I don't know
what that word means.

What kind of idiot doesn't know
what the word"“idio"” means?

No, the other one.

Insipid,
devoid of character.

I have character, Cameron.

Last year for Halloween,
I was a raspberry!

Just shut up!Easy there.

You have a problem?

I think you could be
a bit more patient.

Oh, really.

Don't be late.

I hope that wasn't
a first date.

I'm Brook.I don't care
who you are!

That's Cameron Harrison.

He is the president
of Omega Alpha Pi

and the son
of Senator Harrison.

I'm sorry, I was--You're so insipid.

Who the hell
are you?

I'm really gonna
love it here.

Hi! Welcome!
What's your name?

♪ Oh when you pledge
to K-K-Z ♪

♪ Oh, when you pledge
to K-K-Z ♪

♪ You'll want to be one
of our sisters ♪

♪ when you pledge to K-K-Z.

♪ We're full of poise
We've got great class ♪

♪ We're all grace
wrapped up in curls. ♪

♪ You'll want to be one
of our sisters ♪

♪ When you pledge to K-K-Z

Woooo!

I'm not a pledge.
I'm just a transfer.

Oh....

Another pledge!

Hello beautiful,
vibrant Kappa sister.

Hey, I'm Brook.

What?

You're supposed
to greet me back.

I did.

No, the way
that I greeted you.

Right. Of course.

Hello beautiful,
vibrant Kappa sister.

Those are the words
that I used.

You have to use
your own words.

Hello sweet, freshly
manicured, evenly
spray-tanned Kappa sister.

Hi, I'm Sasha, president
of Kappa Kappa Zeta.

And you're Brook Stonebridge,
our transfer from Hawaii.

And you're
really well informed.

Now that you've seen
the chapter,

in which you know boys
are never allowed in...

I wasn't planning on it.

Just saying.
Let me show you upstairs.

Come on.

You know, you seem more mature
than the other girls.

That's because I'm older.

I was modeling
in Croatia for three years
before I came here.

Croatia?Yeah...

People always think
of Milan when they
think of high fashion,

but Croatia is the new
golden age of couture.

Oh, my God! Under the stars
of the blue southern sky,

where girls become women,
we bake apple pie.

There's fish and there's
trees, there's tents
and there's cheese.

Wakka wakka hey, wakka wakka
who wakka me, wakka wakka you!

You went to Camp Wakka Wakka?

You don't remember me?

I'm sorry, I don't.

Brook Stonebridge.
I was in cabin Whisper Nine.

I kind of was a loner.
I ate a lot of bugs.

Oh, okay.

Can you believe
what happened
to Shelley Simon?

I know.
Isn't it fantastic?

She lost her arm.

What she's doing
with the other arm,
she's just so strong.

I was really nervous
about transferring here, but...

I am so psyched
that I already have a friend.

Great.

I just love reunions.

Totes.

And this is your room.

Your stuff's here already.

Your roommate Becky
is so great.

You will so love her.
She's so... great.

And she's real,
which is so important,

because, there are just
so many fake girls
in this house.

Hi, y'all.

How did that sound?

I've been working
that accent since last year.

I'm Becky Slotzky.

Brook Stonebridge.

Oh! My grandparents
just moved there.

I didn't choose the name.

I see
you've met Sasha.

You know, she's really
like that and that's
unmedicated?

Did she drop
the modeling thing?

Oh, yeah. Croatia.
It's Paris in 1947.

I know what
you're thinking.

My mother was a Kappa,
which makes me
like a Siamese.

They have
to let me in.

How did you get
into Kappa, Brook
Stonebridge?

The FBI arranged it.

You're funny.

You like it?

Is this a Triumph?

1972.
Restored it myself.

Bonneville engine?Yeah.

That's rad.

Nicholas.

Brook.

Nice to meet you.

You don't go
to school here, do you?

Of course I do.
Why would you
think that I don't?

I'm in my late teens.
I'm walking on campus.

I've got a pretentious name,
a sparkly cell phone.

I don't know,
not many girls here

would know this bike's
a Triumph.

Really? Oh.

Well, I just think
it's amaze-balls.

More than anything
in the world?

Okay, a big house
in Winter Park,

a tall husband
who makes a lot of money

but is also
properly God-fearing,

and a pearl white
Bentley Continental GT

with a pink Jesus fish
on the back bumper.

Oh, nice.Taylor, your turn.

Okay. I want to live
in Beverly Hills
and like be on TV.

But not on one of those
cheesy reality shows. No.

I want to be on a really
quality reality show,

so I can have
a billion Twitter followers

and go to Cabo
with Chelsea Handler.

And I def want
a pearl white Bentley, too.

What's your name again?

Brook.Your turn, Brook.

What I want?

More than anything
in the whole world.

More than anything?

A Sigarm 1911 pistol
with a hand-striped
V-notched rear.

A GSR stainless steel,
but with a black
Nitron finish.

A seamless P-226 slide
and tritum night-sights.

And a pearl white Bentley.

Where's my
Eyelicious moisturizer?

Damn it!
Somebody stole it.

Girl, welcome to the club.

Somebody stole
my neck massager.

Wait, I think somebody
stole my lip gloss.

Sweetie, it's
in your hand.

Oh.

It's a lot nicer than
the Camp Wakka
Wakka bathrooms.

I like that.

Oh, it was a gift.

It's really pretty.

Why is this so important
to all of them?

Well, because this
is their world.

It used to be mine.

I'm sorry.
I'm being totally cynical.

I'm sure you'll love
all of the pageantry.

But the real world comes
and gets us all
at some point.

I'm so sorry, Alex!

What did you do?
My shirt is ruined!

This was my special
Kappa Kappa Zeta T-shirt!

And you ruined it.

Like, OMG.
I'm messing with you.

Are you making fun of me?

I am.

Okay, let's see if we're
up and running.

I'm late.

I'm so undercover.

Sisters, welcome back
and welcome home.

It was a summer of change,
a summer of big developments,

and a summer
of making new friends.

We have a year of great
excitement ahead of us,

including winning
the Lafitte Cup back

from those easy Alpha girls.

But to do that,
we need to sell more dolls

than any of the other houses.

Kappas, are you up for that?

Okay, let
the festivities begin.

♪ It only takes a spark
to get a fire a fire going ♪

♪ And soon our sisters now
will warm up in its glowing ♪

♪ That's how it with us

Watch out!

Stay down!

Face down!

It's those
godless OAP boys.

They're always trying
to catch us

exercising topless
or something.

They totally caught me once.
I was so mad.

Look, a pretty little fire.

What? You've never
had a shower before?

I'm so sorry.

Come on, girls.

Let's go.

Everyone out.

You may as well have turned
to this date on my calendar

and painted it black.

Wow! That was
disturbingly poetic.

Look, I really am sorry.
It was just accident.

No, an accident is like
when you're driving

and you hit a raccoon,
but you don't want to stop

because it turned out
to be somebody's dog.

This is a tragedy.

All right, girls, let's go.

The Racketeer Influenced
and Corrupt Organizations Act.

RICO allowed law enforcement

to get into areas
that it'd never been before

when it came
to investigating the mafia.

It was a Nixon hustle.

Excuse me?

I'm sorry, but you're
not telling the whole story.

Well, enlighten us.

The Justice Department
used RICO

to go after anybody
on Nixon's hate list.

Gays, liberals, reformers,
subversive students.

Yeah, RICO was enacted
to go after the mob,

but don't tell me
that it wasn't abused.

I won't.
What's your name?

Brook.

How would someone
like you know this, Brook?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just like, so into crime,
I want to throw up!

Interesting take on RICO.

I don't really know
what I'm talking about.

Hey Summer!

That was kind of rude.

She was my freshman
roommate last year.

I haven't seen her since then.

She's probably just
trying to keep it low.

Keep what low?

Her affair with the good doctor.

What are you talking about?

She was probably
in one of his lectures,

and now they're on their way
to have scandalous motel room sex.

Come on. How do you
know that, Brook?

The parking pass on the back
of his car is preferential for doctors.

He's not wearing a wedding ring
but I see the tan line.

She obviously
knows he's married,

so that's not why
he doesn't wear it.

It's a guilt thing
cheating men do.

Wow. All I saw was Summer
and some guy. I'm impressed.

You've got a really nice
sense of deduction Brook.

I developed it early.What?

I don't know.
I should probably not talk anymore.

Okay, amaze-balls.

I'm gonna go nap now.

Shit. What's up?

Finance major.

Why can't I be like everyone else
in the house and just marry one?

What are those books?

Not books, ledgers.

Big, fat accounting ledgers.

You know they have
computers for that, right?

Our sadist teacher makes
us do it all by hand.

That way we really learn.

I need a break.

That's weird.

The house doesn't have a dog.

What are you doing?

Hey, Taylor.

How's it going?

I'm retaining water
and I'm not sure why.

Why are you in our room?

I'm just borrowing
Alex's thong.

You know how we like
to all borrow each other's stuff.

I guess so.

Brandy.Huh?

If you drink brandy, you won't
retain all that water.

Really?
Okay, thanks, Brook.

No prob.

See you.

I'll try that.

Bat phone.

Hi, Brook.Armon.

You made me ride
the whole streetcar line.

Precautions.

Follow me.

All right, update me.

There's nothing to say.

Look, I know I haven't
been there that long,

but I know dangerous people
and there aren't any there.

Take a look at this.

Oh, my God, that's Bizzy.

Yep, Kashalov
had her killed.

I don't get it.
Why wouldn't they just kill Alex?

Why would they go
to all the trouble

of planting someone
in her life?

If he has Alex killed,
her father will testify.

The only way he can gain
momentum right now

is by planting a killer-in-wait.

You have to take this seriously.

Find out who's not
who they say they are

and try to uncover any information
about this bargaining chip

that Alex may be holding.

Wake up! Wake up!

Move and I shoot!

What the hell, Cotton?

It was a PJ party.What?

It's a tradition.

We wake each other up
in the middle of the night

then go to a frat party
without showering or changing.

So everyone's showering
and changing right now

to make it look like
they didn't shower or change.

You sleep with a gun?

It's not real.

It's not?Of course not.

Your money or your life.

I'm gonna bust a cat in your ass.

Give it back.

It's a cap. What's a cap?

It's bust a cap in your ass.

Why would anybody
put a cap in their ass?

Because, Cotton,
that's what the gangsters do.

That's weird.

Oh! And putting a cat
in your ass isn't weird at all?

You're a real
Einstein, Cotton.

I am not.

I can't believe you'd
wear that here.

You look like a cheap trick.

You bought this
for my birthday!

No, I didn't.

My father's secretary did
and I signed the card.

And don't you think
for a second

that she's not going
to get fired

for making you look
like a New Jersey housewife!

I guess he's better once
you get to know him?

Not really.
He just called me a housewife.

Cotton, you don't
need to take that.

Wait, did he just propose to me?

I don't think--

Wow.

Do you think I'm pretty?

Oh, my God.

Sometimes I wanna kill you
because you are so pretty.

I'm serious. I think
about killing you a lot.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Hey! Can I interest you in a dip

in that white trash pool over there?

I've already been.

I've got a disease now,
by the way.

Hey, it happens
to the best of us.

If you wanna go and take
your mind off of it, or

Can you not do that?
Thank you.

There is this amazing
old school jazz band

you gotta let me
take you to see.

It's in the French Quarter

and it's not a place
students usually go,

but I promise you'll have
a lot of fun.

Not really here to have fun.

Besides, I hate the French.

This is so unlike me!

I touched the bottom!
I touched the bottom!

That's it for today.

I appreciate the majority of you

taking this unit seriously.

Remember, your papers
are due next week.

Make them great.

So, what do we have here?

What do you got?

Professor Nathan Talloway.

He's been teaching
for about a year-and-a-half

but the guy has nothing
on his background.

He is a complete ghost.

Is she sleeping with him?Possibly.

Sasha's not telling the truth
about her past either.

How do you know that?

She claims she modeled
in Croatia for three years,

which is smarter
than saying Paris

because it's a memorable detail

that helps sell the lie.

It's called a unique qualifier.
I use them all the time.

When she told me, she leaned
her head back, looked to the right,

and widened her eyes
and touched her lip.

These are non-verbal tells
of deception in women.

What about guys?
Is she dating anyone?

There's Nicholas Dexter
in our criminal justice class

but I don't think it's romantic.

What about him?

He's smart and he's got
this boyish charm about him,

but he's not as immature
as the other frat boys.

Jesus.
God bless you.

What?

You're into him. Am not!

And BTW's, if anything,
he's the one crushing on me.

BTW's? By the way.

Crushing on you?
What does that mean?

He kind of asked me out.

Are you gonna go out with him?

I told him that I hate the French.

No, I'm not here to date.

Obviously, but you are here

to investigate anyone
that comes into her life.

I'm gonna get some intel on the professor.
You investigate Sasha.

And go out with Nicholas.

I don't think going out
with Nicholas

is the best way to go about this.

Of course it is.
What else?

I'm writing this
totally kick-ass paper

about the pros
and cons of RICO.

What does that
have to do with Alex?

Nothing, I guess.

How's your head?

Brook!

Hey, Brook!

Nicholas, hey.

How are you doing?

Did you enjoy
the party last night?

Yeah. Just been
so busy with school.Yeah.

Wish I could just
burn off some steam.

Go to some old jazz club
or something, just let loose.

There's that place I told you
about in the French Quarter,

but it's swarming
with lazy French people.

Maybe they deserve
a second chance.

Yeah, tell that to Algeria.

I don't know what that means,
but I bet it was really funny.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

If you don't mind,
I'd love to tag along.

Your balls are amazing.

My balls?

I meant to say
that would be amaze-balls.Right.

I think I gotta go.

You okay, Brook?

Yeah, me?
I'm great!

I'm the bomb dot com.

If you're not from New Orleans,
let me hear you scream.

The greatest music
created and nobody cares.

You from here?

Listen to that.

That is all about call and response.

You're not into this, are you?

No, I am.

I just wanted
to get to know you more.

Yeah! You come out of nowhere,

you know about motorcycles
and RICO statutes,

then suddenly you're
this little Kappa girl

who's the bomb dot com
and just wants to throw up.

Where are you from?

And that is harmony
and interpretation.

Why won't you answer me?

I'm just into this.

Are you hiding something?No.

No, you can ask me anything.

Have you ever killed somebody?

I'm kidding.

You've got a strange
sense of humor, Brook.

Yeah. Love it or leave it.

So?

I'm from Florida.

He kept on asking me
about a job,

a job this and a job that,

and I said I didn't want a job,

that I was trying
really hard in school,

and I was on the baseball team

and I didn't have time for a job.

He just looked at me
and told me he was leaving,

that he met a woman,

that he didn't love
my mother anymore,

and that I was going to have
to take care of her and my sister.

And he told me it just like that,

like he was telling me
what to pick up from the store.

And that's why I quit
playing baseball in high school.

I'm sorry. I didn't plan
on telling you that story.It's okay.

We're at your house again.

One more time around the block?

I've walked you home
six times tonight.

Let's make it seven.

So, what about you?
Are your parents together?

No, my mom died
when I was younger.

Did your dad remarry?No.

What's he do?

I don't really want to get
into it right now, Nicholas.

Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad, I just--

I've been opening up
to you all night,

and you deflect any real question
I ask you about yourself.

I just don't trust people that easy.

I don't have the most faith
in relationships. That's all.

Why not?

Because I've been there.

I've seen it. People lie
and they misrepresent themselves

and they let each other down.

Well, I don't lie.

I don't misrepresent myself.

And as far as I know,
I don't let anyone down.

You better be
who you say you are,

because I'll know if you're not.

Pull it together, Morris.

Oh my God! Look!
The Lafitte dolls came in!

Look, aren't they adorable?

I had this terrible dream
that Taylor was in our room.

Oh, it really is you.

We have to sell at least
a hundred at the event tomorrow.

Okay.

Oh, and Brook, thank you
so much for the tip.

I've been drinking like a ton
of brandy and I'm feeling a lot better.

And I'm actually fitting
into my can't-breathe jeans again.

It's like that amazing time
I had the stomach flu.

Anyways, you're the best.
I'll talk to you later.

Sleeping.Like I care.

Okay, team.

How are we going to get
people dying to buy these dolls?

I know! We can give away a can
of my homemade mace as a prize.

No.

We can think of something better.

Come on, girls.
Let's sell some products.

Cotton, you make
your own mace?

Yeah. I'm a chemistry major.

You're a chemistry major?

Yes, Brook.

I'm gonna become
a perfumer like Annick Goutal.

They're just upset
because my last prototype

burned some holes
through leather purses.

But I've perfected it now.

Here. This one's for you.

See, there's a place for keys on it
and there's a little flashlight.

Thank you, Cotton.

Use it wisely.

Wait, at least I think
that's the one I perfected.

Buy a doll.

Buy a doll, play with balls!

Buy a doll, play with balls.

Didn't Lady Gaga
wear that at the VMA's?

Brook? No.

I recognize your voice.

Well, aren't you
just the great detective?

Okay, so let me
get this straight.

You're a fighting crawdad who's
encouraging people to buy a doll

so that they can play inside
of a giant inflatable child's toy

that's more of a liability
nightmare than anything else?

Bingo!

Not happening.

The only thing you
will be kissing is my ass.

I'm done. I'm done.
Screw the dolls, I'm done!

Have you sold many dolls?

Believe it or not, no.

Where's everybody going?

Oh, the Alpha Lambda
Alpha carwash.

Alpha car wash?

It's basically prostitution
with detergent if you ask me.

They are so lucky they had
bad childhoods.

There's no way we're going
to sell all of our dolls in two days

with our clothes on.

We have to come up
with something.

Woooo!

We're going to win the Lafitte Cup,
I promise you.

How?

Just trust me.

That guy looks
so much like Cameron.

Come on.
Don't let me down.

There we are.

Dr. Milton?Yes.

Have we met?

No, but I can promise you
you're going to want to be my friend.

Really?Really.

The waterbed one's my favorite.

It really brings out your smile.

It would be a great Christmas card.

What do you want?

Here you go, Dr. Milton.

Thank you.
I'm happy to help.

You know how important
this is to me.

The negatives are in the box.

Are we done?

Yep. See you.

Thank you.

Brook, how'd you do it?

Oh, I just had to convince him

that all the sick kids in his ward

deserve to love crawdaddys
like everybody else.

So Christian of him.

Talk about a man with a big heart.

Yep, and he shares it
with everybody.

Oh, my God! I can't believe
you sold all our dolls!

Son of a bitch.

Brook, hey.

I know we've gotten off
to a rocky start

but I want to smooth
things over.

Come here.

Sister dysfunction is just so toxic,
you know?

Yeah.

Taylor says you helped
her water problem,

and Cotton says
you've been defending her

when Cameron gets out of hand.

If it wasn't for you,
we'd never have sold those dolls

and everybody obvi loves you.

My bracelet.

I would be honored
if you were to wear it.

Cool, thanks.

No, really, Brook, where I come from,
this is a really big deal.

But this is a bracelet,
with the words “Mother Green Earth"

surrounded by real
crusted pink moissanites.

Wow. Thanks, Sasha.
I love it.

Are you going to put it on?

Duh!

OMFG, it's so cute.

You threw the F in there,
so it must be super cute.

Hi, Brook!Good morning.

Good morning, Brook.

Hey, come eat with us.

I'll save you a seat, okay?

Okay, cool.

Where did you get that?

Get what?The bracelet.

Oh, Sasha gave it to me.

That's my bracelet.

That was my mother's
bracelet before.

Her name is right there on it.

That says Green Earth.

Your mom's name
was Green Earth?

Uh, yeah.

Was she a hippie?

No, Brook. She was 100%
Waccamaw-Siouan Indian.

Do you have
a problem with that?

No, it's just you don't
really look Indian.

I was adopted.
Do you have a problem with that?

No. Sasha!
Sasha gave it to me.

Sasha, can you come here
for a minute, please?

Did you give Brook
this bracelet?

No, I don't think so.What?

That's your mother's
name, isn't it?

Okay. I see what's going on here.

Oh, my God, Brook.

I think we found
our kleptomaniac.

That's my iPod.

That's my Eyelicious moisturizer.

My neck massager?

There's going to be
a hearing on this, Brook.

You may be out of the house.

You have no idea
who you're messing with.

I guess Cameron
was right about you, Brook.

You're no sister of mine.

Sasha set me up.With who?

I didn't steal anything, Cotton.
I don't believe you.

Hey, how's it going?

Klepto.

Tell me something good, please.

I'm sorry, honey,
but I checked everything.

I checked the Tenet system,
the Texas DMV backlogs.

I checked six other record
and notification databases

and there's nothing
for a Sasha Stolezinsky.

All right, it's fine.
I'll figure it out.

How are you?

I'm going to a meeting.Good.

I love you.I love you, too.

They don't hate you.

Yes, they do.

They think I'm a klepto.

What are you doing?

I'm making sure
I still have my wallet.

Stop! I'm serious.

They were just starting
to accept me,

and now I've become
the enemy,

which, trust me,
doesn't help anything.

You're a girl. Didn't you
deal with this stuff growing up?

I worked a lot.

What kind of work did you do?

Photography.What, like weddings?

No, more nature photography.
Mostly dogs.

They don't hate you, Brook.

Okay, nobody can hate you. Thanks.

I'm really happy
you're here. So am I.

You're amazing.

Well, it's actually
my balls are amazing.

That doesn't make sense.

You're the one that said it.

I have to go.

Now I have to go.

Okay, Sasha.

Here we go.

Oh, it's you.

I was hoping you were a kidnapper.

Nope. Just me.
Everybody's least favorite Kappa sister.

You know they already
have a nickname for you?

I won't tell you if you don't
want to hear it.

Thanks.

Fingers.
Fingers Stonebridge.

That's an improvement
over Brook, don't you think?

Becky, I'm not a klepto.

What's that?

Something I stole
from Sasha's room.

Oh, my God. Becky,
you've got to see this.

That's Sasha!

Yeah, but it's not
her real name.

There are just so many
fake girls in this house.

I just hate fake people,
don't you, Sasha?

What do you want?

Your name's Suzy Walters,
not Sasha Stolezinsky.

You never modeled in Croatia.

You've never
even been to Croatia.

You were working at a Taco Bell
when you got your scholarship here,

and you were 40 pounds heavier.

Why do you have a gun, Brook?

Because I'm here
looking for someone

who's not who they say they are,
and I found you.

Why the lies, Suzy?

Are you going to shoot me?

I doubt it.
Why the lies?

Because when I got into college,
I had the chance to start over.

All my life,
I've been on the outside.

Sweet sixteens
and proms and boys.

You don't know
what it feels like

to watch it all go by,
so you sit on the sideline.

Actually, Suzy, I do.

Who are you?

Your new best friend.

Commencing the Kappa Kappa
Zeta disciplinary hearing.

We are all here today to hear
Brook Stonebridge's version

of why she stole
all our stuff.

Allegedly.

I don't know
what that word means.

Just say it.

Allegedly.

Brook, what do you have
to say for yourself?

Kleptomania is a disease.

It's all about bulimia in this house
and I totally get that.

But we shouldn't cast off
the kleptomaniac

because they also
have a disease.

Would we dump the diabetic?

Abandon the epileptic?

Come on, girls.
We're supposed to be sisters.

So with that said,
I implore you all to forgive

and open your hearts
to a sister in need.

I stole all the stuff
and planted it on Brook.

I knew it.

You better not have used it.

That's sad.

Hey Brook, I'm so sorry
that I hated you

and spread all those nasty rumors.

What? What?

It is such a relief
to let go of the lies.

I'm so happy
you all don't hate me.

Well, Brook put it best.

You can't hate the apocalyptic
for having a seizure.

Cotton! It's epileptic.

I know!
My dog had it once.

Alex!

Alex!
Are you okay?

You wouldn't understand.

Try me.

I know you're new
and trying to make friends,

but there are problems
in the real world

that are a lot bigger than asshole
boyfriends or Lafitte dolls.

These problems are very real
and way bigger than anything

you need to solve
in order to fit in.

Okay.

I have to go.

There's our doggie.

Hey.Don't mind him.

And Professor Talloway?

We caught the guy
who killed Bizzy and he's talking.

That's great.

He led us to this.

No.

No.

His name is Patrick Franklin.

I know liars.
And Nicholas isn't one.

His name is Patrick
and he outplayed you, Morris.

Accept it.

The guy did a deuce
down in Sumter

where he hooked up
with a top Kashalov lieutenant.

If he worked with Kashalov
on the inside

then obviously he's working
with him now on the outside.

This isn't right.

No. What about the Professor?
What about what I told you?

Alex is obviously
sleeping with him.

I want you to not let
this guy out of your sight.

There is a house
in New Orleans

♪ the Kappa Kappa Z

♪ It's been the savior of many
a poor girl and her and you and me ♪

♪ My mama was a KKZ
down here in New Orleans ♪

OM double FG, Brook.

You are gonna be such a good
social chairwoman next semester.

Thanks, Sasha.

Oh, shocker.

Wait a minute!
You're not Cotton!

Sent.

Wait a sec, hold one just one--
Come back!

There you are.
What you doing?

You okay?I'm perfectly okay.

Okay...

You know what?
Actually, I'm not.

Okay...

See what I did?

I said I was perfectly okay,
but I wasn't?

Don't you just hate that?
Doesn't that just suck

when people aren't who
or what they say they are?

Brook, I'm not really following.

Actually, you know what?

Oh, my God!
I am so drunk!

I'm a drunk college girl.

You know what I like to do when
I'm drunk? Sex it up!

What do you say?
You want to sex it up?

Brook, this is a little weird.

It's not that I'm not interested
in going there with you.

I'm very interested.
Trust me.

It's just the way it's currently
being presented to me is a little--

I'm super pumped
to get with you this way, Nicholas.

I don't even think
we need a safe word.

This is deviant.

Don't you think it's best
we work up to this?

I knew you were
too good to be true, Patrick.

Who's Patrick?Very cute.

What happened to "I don't lie?

"I don't misrepresent myself?

"And as far as I know,
I don't let anybody down"

Now I think I might
want that safe word.

I thought she was you!

Good gator.

Good boy.

Professor Talloway's FBI?

If Professor Talloway's FBI,
then who is Armon?

Why didn't he kill me?

You have to take this seriously.

Find out who's not
who they say they are.

We're gaining
momentum right now.

Who's not who
they say they are.

We caught the guy
who killed Bizzy.

Who's not who
they say they are.

Armon.

Professor Talloway!

Professor Talloway?

You're going to be okay.

Brook?

It's Molly.

You're FBI?
What happened to you?

I was shot.

Hello? 911 operator.

We need to get an ambulance
here to 602 Lanterna Road.

Okay. Stay where you are.

An ambulance is on its way.

You're not with Kasholov, are you?

No, not intentionally.

They hired me.
They claimed to be FBI.

I'm just a P.I. from Dallas.

Where is Alex?

They took her.

Why? Why did they take Alex?

Ledgers.

What ledgers?

Accounting ledgers.

Jason had kept Kashalov's books.

A bargaining chip.

But she wouldn't tell
anyone where they were.

Not even me.

The bargaining chip.

That's what Armon wants.

The ledgers.

“The killer could be anybody..."
Molly.

“Somebody who's not
who they say they are."

What are you doing?

"Somebody who gets close to Alex."

You're only making
this thing worse.

Me. I was the killer
the whole time.

Bravo. You pack
a mean punch.

Now I know why
you didn't kill me.

You needed me
to take the fall for you.

Smart. See you actually did
learn something in college.

Who's Bizzy?

It doesn't matter now, does it?

You killed her.I did not kill her.

We had to cover our tracks
on this thing, okay?

I didn't kill her.

Give me Alex and I give
you the ledgers.

You heard me.
I found them.

I'll give you fifty
thousand for them.

No, you brought me here
to protect Alex Patrone

and that's exactly
what I'm going to do.

What are you doing?

You're going to protect
some sorority bitch?

You know you really
got me with that

“do something real, make a
difference, join the FB" bullshit.

I had to say something.

Answer the phone when it rings.

If you have me followed,
the ledgers go to the real FBI.

Got it? Yeah.

Oh, and that sorority bitch
is my Kappa sister.

What time did Brook
leave the house?

I do not know.
I am not my sister's keeper.

What time do you
anticipate her return?

Molly Morris?

FBI.

Molly Morris?

Agent Sanderson is very weak,

but he did let us know
that you've been helpful.

We checked and there's nobody in the
Kashalov family named Armon Ranford.

Then obviously he used
a fake name with me.

We'll figure all
of that out eventually.

It's what we do.

So thank you for your help, Molly,

but we're going
to take over from here.

No!

No. I started the job
and I'm going to finish it.

Miss Morris, with all due
respect, we're the FBI

and you're a young PI who specializes
in infidelity photography.

Ms. Keller, do you
have Alex Patrone?

And “with all due respect"
do you have the ledgers?

No.

He brought me here
to find out who the FBI mole was

to lead him to the ledgers
and for me to take the fall.

He thinks he got
two out of three.

He thinks he killed
Agent Sanderson

and I'm gonna take
the blame for it.

But he doesn't have the ledgers.
Nobody does.

Do you?

No, but I know
where they are.

He's waiting for me to call him.

I can deliver him to you,
but he's smart.

He's going to throw us a curve
and we need to anticipate that.

Why don't you let us
worry about that?

I'm telling you, if there's
one thing my experience has taught me,

it's always have a contingency.

Brook, what is going on?

What's platinum rule number one
in the Kappa chapter book?

Never wear sweatpants.

Rule number two?

A sister in need comes
before anything else.

Girls, we have
a sister in need.

Molly, the second
he grabs the ledgers,

you need to get
on the ground quickly.

My roommate's freaked about these.
They're due tomorrow.

It doesn't matter that these aren't
the real ledgers.

I know.

Once he has them in hand,

we can get him
for obstruction.Exactly.

From there, we can deal
with him to give up Alex.

Agent Keller...

We're gonna come in
fast and hard.

I found this on a pile
of Talloway's graded papers.

Don't tell anybody,
but I couldn't agree with you more.

RICO was a complete Nixon hustle.

Alpha One, do you have
a visual on Molly. Over.

We have her in our sights.

Alpha Two? Affirmative.

Molly!

You look great.

Okay, this is it.
Be ready people.

Where's Alex?Alex who?

What are you doing?

Here.

I don't want those.

What are you doing?

Excuse me. I actually have
to take this call.

Ow!

That was a low portal
frequency jammer.

I used to be a fed.
Can you imagine that?

Where'd they go?

Somebody give me
a location on Armon.

Alpha One, do you have Molly?

Alpha Two?

Now that I think about it,

they actually did teach us
how to detect lies.

Yeah, and obviously
how to tell them.Totes.

I have to give it
to you, Morris.

You know how
to play the game.

What are these?The ledgers.

Kashalov never dealt
in widgets.

Where are the real ledgers?

I don't know.
That's all I have.

Where are the real ledgers?

I don't know.
That's all I have.

I'll take care of both of you at once.

Brook! I found the journal thingies
you were looking for.

Cotton, not now.

No, not now.
Like eight minutes ago.

Who's this?

Brook's dad.

Hi.

Princess, why don't you introduce
me to your friend here?

This is Cotton.

You came all the way
from Hawaii?

Of course.
I'd go anywhere for my little girl.

So where are the journal thingies
you were talking about?

Are you okay, Brook?

You're looking at me all weird
like I'm being insipid or something.

Where are the journal thingies
you were talking about, Cinnamon?

It's Cotton.It doesn't matter.

They're in the Chapter Room.

Thank you so much.
Nice meeting you.

You, too.

Don't worry about her.
She's a little sedated.

I need you to take me
to the Chapter Room.

See what kind
of skills you got.

Okay, Molly, it's all going
according to plan.

You're doing great.
Alex is going to be fine. Just stay calm.

This car is rigged.

If anyone tries to get to Alex

I hit the trigger on this phone
and the car explodes.

There's a bomb under the car.

The keys are in his
jacket pocket. Go now!

Excuse me.

Brook! We need to talk!

Oh, no.

Who the hell is this?

A guy I'm dating.

You're dating this guy?

Wait a minute.
You're dating?

No not this guy!
Really?

What the hell
is going on?

Is he a student?

I can't talk
about this right now.

Why not?

When do you have time
to date someone?

Where's the chapter
room, Molly?

Who the hell is Molly?
Hold on a second.

You handcuff me
to a radiator,

you bust me in the head,
then steal my bike.

It was nothing personal.

Wasn't personal?
You led me on!

You tricked me into liking you,
then beat me down.

It's not a good--
You like me?

When this is all over,
I would like a proper introduction.

Where the hell
is the Chapter Room?

It's right there!

Come on.

Where are the ledgers, huh?

What is that?
Mace.

No, it's not.
Yes, it is.

No, Nicholas.

What's your problem?

What you got
Bonus Jonas? Bring it.

Bravo, but you know
all I have to do

s press nine on this thing

and that car blows up.

Because you and I both know
how easy it is to make a cocktail

out of nitrocellulose and ketone,
slide it under the back seat.

You recognize
this phone, don't you?

It's outfitted with the discontinued
6300 vibrator

that can send a signal.

Give me the gun.

Give me the gun!

You still want to see if I'm bluffing
or not, don't you?

No.

I don't think so.

Who's that?

I'm the contingency.

I think I gotta sit down.

You're in big
trouble, Armon.

There's no boys allowed
in the chapter room.

Oh, everything's so pink.

Alex!

Hey, Molly!

Oh, my God.
How did you--

Well, Sasha.

It's a disease.

Good klepto.

How'd I do?

You did great, Cotton.

Put me in, Coach!

No more of that
stinking root beer.

Drop and give me 20, God.
Drop and give me 20!

The FBI's gonna be here soon.
Why don't you go watch him?

I need the ledgers now, Alex.

Yeah.

I want to go to Candy Mountain,

and float on the tears of unicorns.

Are those real?

I got the kill shot from here,
but I don't know if I can pay!

Maybe I put too much
basidiomycoda fungus in the mace?

It's glorious.

Wait, maybe I wasn't supposed
to put basidiomycoda fungus in the mace.

You can turn that car into a jungle
gym if you want, girls.

Knock yourself out.

I missed you.

I am so proud of you.

I'm proud of you, too.

Well, I'm your father,
so let me be proud first.

Good work, Morris.
The FBI could use someone like you.

Thank you, but I think I'm gonna
stick around here and go to college.

But my dad could use some help
getting back on the force.

Molly.
What?

We'll see what we can do.

Make it happen.

The ledgers.

The ledgers?

Consider it done, Morris.

Welcome back.

Thank you.

You're gonna be a cop again.

Brook.

Dad, this is Nicholas.

Hi. Nice to meet you, sir.

Who hit you?

Your daughter.

Yeah, she did.

Yeah. I'm just gonna leave
you guys to get to know each other.

Hey, Brook.
It's Molly.

I mean, Molly.
Come over here.

Wait, her name's Molly?

I'm a cop, Nicholas.
Just something to think about.

I'm so proud of you guys.

OMG, we are so bad ass.

I'm really happy
you're my sorority sister.

Me, too.

I hear some of those
Easy Alpha girls

have infiltrated
the Sorority Council.

How do we know who they are?

We'll go undercover.

Wait, are we
with the FBI now?

Do we get a gun?

Can I have a pink gun?

Why did you do that?

What're you doing, Sherlock?

Cotton's dating this new guy

so I told her I'd check
him out for her.

Ah, yes.
Nature photography.

So what's up with this guy?

So far, so good.

He's getting his PhD
in Quantum physics,

so they'll definitely be
on the same page intellectually.

That's cool for you
to do that for her,

because people often aren't
who they say they are, you know?

They lie. Molly, they let
each other down.

How long are you
gonna do this for?

A couple of years.
Maybe ten.

Ten years.

You're the detective.
Why don't you figure it out?

This is getting in the way.

Let's go everybody.
Watch the lights, guys.

Ready, and background...

I myself am an Aikido man.

Aikido is a fashionable way
for fat housewives

to lose weight at their local Equinox.

Are you calling me a fat housewife?

Yep.

Look

I'm a fat housewife in an--

-Yes.
-Really?

And rolling.

Let's go guys.

Let's make a movie.

Quiet, please.

I'm not like most girls.

Well, Brook Stonebridge is--

Who's Brook Stonebridge?

Set, and...

Sorry, but these
are so fucking spicy.

That's an entrance!

I'll find out if you're not.

I'll find out if you're not.

All right.

Still rolling, and ready.

What am I doing?
For real?

Dude. Wait.
Now what do you want me to do?

Jump off the side?

ó_ me.
What am I doing?

Ju-jit-su.

You're well-versed
in ju-jit-su.

You heard of the--

Ju-jit-su.

If that ends up anywhere,
I'm gonna kill you.

I'm like, totally undercover.

I'm like, so undercover.

I'm so undercover.