Smokey and the Bandit II (1980) - full transcript
It's been a few years since Cletus and the Bandit made their famous 28-hour run to Texas for a few cases of Coors. Bandit is now a washed-up has-been living in the past, until Big Enos and Little Enos make him another offer: Transport a live Elephant across country in 3 days or less.
You may not know me.
I'm Big Enos Burdette.
This is my son, Little Enos.
Believe me, you put
Enos Burdette in
the capitol building in Austin...
Holy... Is that who I think it is?
If that ain't John Coen, then
I'm the Incredible Hulk.
Bomb bay doors open.
Bombs away.
Daddy, this bullshit
has got to stop.
I reckon if I spend
a few more million,
I'd have this election sewed up.
You better. You only raised $80
at that last benefit dinner.
I delivered the Statler
Brothers, didn't I?
Are you ready, Son?
Nobody shit-bombs a Burdette
and gets away with it.
I'll tell you one thing.
When I'm elected governor...
I'm gonna pass a law that
damn fools like that...
can't fly over other
people's property.
Let it fly, boy. Let it fly.
Shit.
Enos Burdette, your fat ass will
not warm the governor's chair...
if I have to spend every
goddamn dime I got.
Candidates for governor of Texas?
Why don't you boys try something
a little more your size?
If I had my choice, I'd endorse
one of the Dallas cheerleaders...
before I'd back
either one of you...
turkeys.
Now, get out of my sight.
What is it?
It's Silisbey, Governor.
Silisbey, I told you before.
I will now tell you again.
Go to Pier 23 in Miami.
Pick up crate number 1444,
and deliver its contents...
to the Republican National
Convention in Dallas in nine days.
No, you fool, nine days. Nine.
That crate is a very special gift
from me to the Grand Old Party.
It'll be your ass if
it's not there in time.
Just get me crate number 1444.
- Son, come on. Come on, Son.
- Where we going, Daddy? And why?
We're going to the governor's
office, by way of Miami.
♪ Well, if I can keep it on the
ground when I put
that hammer down ♪
♪ He thinks he's
really got it cooking
Plans to do a lot of booking ♪
♪ So if I can keep
it on the ground
when I put that hammer down ♪
Fred, I know you're nervous...
but if you can hold them burger
bits down for one more lap...
me and you gonna
be $20,000 richer.
On to the white flag,
with one lap to go.
Coming down. Look at
that straight away.
Look at that.
Truck's demolished, but
he's gonna walk away.
Looks like he's all right.
Big Iron coming
down to the finish.
The Jimmy General out in front
at the end of 200 miles.
All bunched up and coming
down to the finish line...
your winner will
be Cledus Snowman.
Fred, did you ever see
a check that big? I'm
gonna use that and
get you a face-lift.
Snowman, see you a minute?
Folks, I want you to meet
Big Wart and Little Wart.
You be careful, Snowman. Us
Burdettes don't take kindly...
to a slur on our family name.
I'm sorry. I thought you two was
a slur on your family name.
Snowman, we didn't
come here to fight.
He's smarter than
he looks, ain't he?
Look, we got us a business
proposition. We gotta
find the Bandit.
I figured you was
looking for the Bandit.
You know where he is?
That depends on how hard
somebody's looking for him.
- We're looking mighty hard.
- I mean hard, like in hard cash.
$100,000? US?
You want his phone
number, MasterCharge
number or the colour
of his Jockey shorts?
I mean, I can...
You don't have to take my picture.
I'll go home and sit
on your dresser.
Look, time's a-wasting
here, Snowman.
You want to breed or
listen to my proposition?
Bring Fred, the truck and anything
else that looks nice
down to the pit.
I appreciate you two
dropping by and
trashing up my moment of glory.
You want the money or the glory?
I'd like to have them both,
but I got this problem.
Let me guess. You don't
know where the Bandit is?
We got us a winner. Yeah,
my mind went blank.
Let me jiggle your memory
bank a little bit.
$200,000?
Well, the clouds are
parting a little.
$200,000. You take it or leave it.
Would you believe I
just got total recall?
Here's the deal. You
go down and pick
up this package on a Miami dock...
and deliver it to the
governor of Texas.
- The governor of Texas?
- That's right.
Strictly legit.
- And you're Wilt Chamberlain.
- That's right.
Listen, this whole thing is legal.
I'll stake my reputation on that.
His, too.
That makes me feel a
whole lot better.
There's one thing bothers us.
We heard talk of the
Bandit slipping.
"Gone into the shithouse" is
the exact phrase we heard.
May I tell you boys something?
He is in better shape now...
than he's ever been in
his life, trust me.
Hey, Bo.
Bo, you all right?
Cledus, you've gotten taller.
Yes, and you've gotten drunker.
This place looks like a shithouse.
- Want to sit down? Sit there.
- Come on, Bo.
What've you got on? Come on, here.
- Is that you, Cledus?
- Yeah, it's me.
- You dropped my watch.
- I know it. Come here.
Sit down.
- Your timing is just rotten.
- Look.
I'm gonna make us a lot
of money. $200,000. Look.
$200,000.
Big and Little Enos are out
there, and they got $200,000.
I need you to be straight for
three minutes. Can you manage...
That's good enough. Come on.
Come here. $200,000.
But you've got to be straight for
two minutes. That's all I need.
Want a picture of me?
Only 50 cents apiece.
- You can have one for nothing.
- Hello.
Fellows. No. Get back in here.
When we get in there,
let me do the talking.
Okay, fellows. Come on in.
Now, he's meditating.
Don't talk to him much.
Don't run off, Bandit.
This is a sweet deal.
$200,000 just to bring a package
from Florida to Dallas.
That's what I said: $200,000.
I don't think he's interested.
What does it take to
keep this man erect?
A different set of figures.
How much more do you want?
Four. $400,000.
You got it. Is it a deal?
I'll check with him.
- Got a deal.
- Okay. Don't get up, Bandit.
I gotta go now, but I'll
see you back in Texas.
And here's the
number of the crate.
Wait a minute.
He wants to say something else.
Right.
If he doesn't get
at least half the
money, he may become very violent.
Give him the money, Little Enos.
I'd like to kick
his ass just once.
Come on. Let's go.
He's overdue for a
good butt-kicking.
Look at that.
Do you realise we
can start a bank?
That's more money than I've
seen in one time in my life.
You're crying. We got the
money. What are you crying...
I was just thinking about Frog.
I really wish it could've
worked for you two.
I'm ready.
Don't hurt the money.
I don't need anybody.
Okay.
You think I ain't ready, son?
You just watch my smoke.
Daddy, come on. You're gonna
be late for my wedding.
Sumbitch.
- Good morning, Sheriff.
- Good morning, nice lady.
You must be mighty proud of
that wonderful son you got.
Let me tell you something.
Junior's nothing but a
big mound of tick turd.
Imagine. Trying to marry that
floozy for a second time.
You know, if Junior is able
to get up in the morning...
tie his shoelaces
and take a pee...
- I'm not proud. I'm amazed.
- I declare.
I didn't realise this floozy was
the same one as the last one.
But I do remember
all that trouble,
that poor child being abducted...
and taken off by that
handsome devil, Bandit.
Sheriff, is that your
radio acting up?
No, that ain't my radio. It's
my hemo-gauge that's beeping.
This hemo-gauge and
that exercise...
was invented in a monastery
by a couple of Tibetan monks.
They live in Newark now.
And just lucky enough, I saw the
advertisement in Screw magazine.
So I sent away for
it. Cost me $19.95.
That's just wonderful, Sheriff. I
guess that makes it
easier for you...
to deal with that business about
your daughter-in-law to be...
running off with that
gorgeous, handsome Bandit.
Daddy?
Come on. You're gonna be late.
Sumbitch.
My dear friends, you have come
together in this church...
so that the Lord may seal
and strengthen your love.
Excuse me.
Hello?
But, sir, this is a wedding.
All right, just a moment.
It's for the bride-to-be.
It's long distance.
Carrie?
It's for you.
Junior, I don't think I
should take it right now.
You gotta take it.
It's long distance.
Right.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
Cledus, hi. How are you?
I'm good.
Look, Cledus, I'm a
little busy right now.
Who's in trouble?
Oh, him.
Yeah, sure. I remember him.
Help?
Why should I help him?
What good reason?
$50,000? That's a good reason.
Yeah, right. I'll be right there.
Junior, do you love me?
- Sure, Carrie.
- Good.
Because maybe then you'll
understand and you'll wait for me.
When I get back, I'll
have enough money for
that brand new milking
machine you want.
Good. And maybe someday
we can buy a cow.
Right.
Not again.
Now, just where do you
think you're going?
The Bandit needs me.
And you better
recharge your beeper.
Damn. I thought I was
supposed to go with her.
Well, I said it before...
and I'm gonna say it again.
There ain't no way that you
could come from my loins.
I'm going home and kick
your mama in the butt.
- Okay, where's the rest of it?
- You found them all, Massa.
Yeah.
You know what I think about
your big training program?
J-O-A-K, joke.
That's what I think.
I'm in better shape every day.
If Big Enos could
ship that package of
his to Texas behind
a team of mules...
it'd beat us at the
rate we're going.
Just because I started shaking,
you're falling to pieces.
Shaking? You've got
the DTs so bad...
you could thread a sewing
machine with it running.
Thanks. I'll take that.
I don't know why you sent
for her. I don't need her.
You don't need anybody,
but she's coming.
Why don't you admit
you're glad she's coming?
You'll need all the help you
can get to get in shape...
to make this run, anyway.
Well, that's about enough.
- How many is that?
- One.
- You did one yesterday.
- I know, and it hurt.
Do you think maybe you could
squeeze two out of your body...
- without having a coronary?
- I could try.
She never was that much
of a help, anyway.
I just figured out why
my album didn't sell.
It was the wrong
selection of material:
- The Bandit Sings Cole Porter.
- Listen.
If you think the girl was having
a good time, look at that.
Hell, she had to get
in line to see you.
She left me when the
going got tough.
Hold it.
I distinctly remember that
when the going got good...
it was Bo's big ego that
busted everything up.
Remember what I told you? I said,
"If you ever lose that girl...
"you're gonna wind up being a
booze-head ex-superstar...
"and every time you
come up for air,
you'll have a can of
beer in your hand."
- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah?
Would you... Give me the beer.
You're gonna keep
drinking that stuff...
your belly's the size of
a number ten washtub.
You know what? I
hope I'm there when
they do the autopsy
on your butt...
because your kidneys gotta look
like the air cleaner on a KW.
Besides, me and you
together couldn't scrape
up six people to be
your pallbearers.
That's a long walk
to make by your...
Somebody left this up here.
I'm gonna put it back.
Bo, she's here.
- Hi, Frog.
- Hi, Bandit.
- You're shaking.
- I'm cold.
I thought maybe you were
nervous about seeing me again.
I'm cold.
It's been a long time since I've
seen you, six or seven months.
I don't know.
It's more like eight
months, four days, and
six and a half hours,
but I'm not sure.
After we broke up,
where did you go?
- To pieces.
- Yeah?
And then I went to New York.
I started dancing
again. I got this
fabulous job in a rock musical.
Is that where you
got those clothes?
What's wrong with these clothes?
Nothing, if you're
in a rock musical.
I wouldn't talk if I were you. You
look like "The Gay Caballero."
- Let's not fight.
- I don't want to fight, either.
Miss Frog, remember me?
Cledus.
You skinny old bone.
My God, the man has no
meat on him whatsoever.
You ever seen a fat
racehorse, mama?
Do you know how
glad I am to see...
Hey.
- What is this?
- Cledus, you didn't tell him?
No. Frog, I forgot.
I was getting all set to marry
Junior again when I got your call.
You didn't waste much
time dilly-dallying
around with another
bunch of people...
did you, once we broke up?
You were dilly-dallying around
when we were still together.
Hey, kids. Will you
just knock it off?
The important thing is we're
back together again, right?
Yeah, he's right.
Let me make myself
perfectly clear.
While there is a certain amount of
physical attraction between us...
and even some residual
affection, due to nostalgia...
my one and only reason for being
here is money. M-O-N-E-Y.
So let's get started whipping
your ass into shape.
She still loves me.
Damned if you ain't ready for
the Kentucky Derby, son.
Forty-eight. We ain't
got but four days left.
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
Texas is a long ways.
You're getting pretty good.
I got to quit this soon...
or I'm gonna end up looking
like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'm glad we're gonna
get out of here.
I'm afraid this luxurious
lifestyle is gonna grow on me.
Slight problem there. I
ain't got no wheels.
I'm the only man in the world
that drank up a Trans-Am.
Can you imagine Roy Rogers
selling Trigger for a six-pack?
No.
- Think he's ready, mama?
- I think he's ready.
You see, we have got
a surprise for you.
What?
- We've got a surprise for you.
- Yes, big surprise.
If you will just
kindly step outside.
Right outside, here.
We got something we'd like
to show you. Come on.
Son of Trigger.
You shouldn't have done that.
Pretty, ain't it? I didn't
do it all by myself.
- Mama helped me a little.
- What did you do?
I traded Junior's car in on it.
- Black is beautiful.
- Expensive, too.
- But worth it.
- Yeah.
Where was that you
said we were going?
Where do you think we need to go?
Miami.
Bet that smokey can't handle
the legendary Bandit...
just driving along at
old double nickel.
Maybe he doesn't know who
the legendary Bandit is.
Doubtful.
I'm what you call
your "basic famous."
- "Basic famous."
- Bandit.
Hey, Bandit. Hi.
Gotta be careful of
women like that.
Yeah?
They start off, they just
want your autograph.
Next, they wanna tear your clothes
off. Then they want your body.
You're kidding?
No, I wouldn't kid about
a thing like that.
You don't joke about people
taking your clothes off.
No. Golly, it must be hard.
- What?
- Being a superstar.
I'll tell you something.
Sometimes it's hell.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
I don't know. You
feel like a freak.
Probably.
You know, I've been thinking...
and I'd rather just
have your autograph.
- As opposed to what?
- Ripping your clothes off.
Why?
I've seen you with your
clothes off, remember?
Of course I remember.
It ain't no big deal.
I swear I'm gonna
break the camera,
with my hair in rollers like this.
Hell, it's worth it...
getting your picture took
with a living legend.
- Bo, it's awful hot out here.
- I'll be right with you, honey.
Take your time. I
understand completely.
I think I'd like one of those
pictures for myself...
wallet-size, with a glossy
finish, the scalloped edges.
I wanna remember
this moment forever.
Hold still. Say "cheese."
- Cheese.
- Thank you.
- Bye, gals.
- Thanks.
I could die right here.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bandit.
- Howdy.
- What do you boys need?
We're here to pick up a crate.
Do you have a crate number 1444?
Got it right here.
Right in between number 1443...
- and 1445.
- Good place.
You want to go down to the
first building on the right...
and hook a left.
- First dock on the left.
- Right.
No, left. You wanna
go down here...
Sir?
That's all right. We'll
find it. Thank you.
Okay, that's all
right. Hold it, boys.
I can't let you take that crate.
- What do you mean?
- I just checked my records...
and that crate's quarantined
for another three weeks.
Quarantined? You mean, the crate's
got the measles or something?
You gotta be kidding.
Ain't no place in the security
business for kidding.
Just hold on there
a minute, chief.
Let me explain something to you.
We have to have that crate
in Texas in three days.
Hell, I suppose you
could take the crate.
Great.
But it's just that
you'll have to leave
what's in it here for three weeks.
As I told you, it's been
quarantined for three weeks.
Bo, would you keep your
hands to yourself?
Hurry up. The sun's coming up.
Creeping around in
a warehouse. We're
going to jail, that's
where we're going.
- I'm going home.
- Turn the damn light on.
- I ain't got the light.
- I got it.
Give me the light, would you?
- Find the number.
- I can't get...
Is burglary always this much fun?
Find the number on the crate.
I'm looking. There ain't no
numbers. Here's a number.
- "1442."
- All right. We're getting close.
Come on.
Wait, here. "1445." We're hot.
- Well, it's gotta be...
- Hey, here it is.
- "1443."
- Give me that.
"1443." "1445."
You see, 1444 should
be right here.
Bo?
- What?
- Shine the light up there.
"1444."
Oh, shit.
You mind telling me how come they
paint the number of our crate...
up here on the side
of the building?
Well, it's a crate
acting like a building.
I was afraid you
were gonna say that.
You wanna tell me
something? How we
gonna get that thing on the truck?
Have you seen the
size of this crate?
Yeah.
It's gonna take one
hell of a forklift.
Tell you right now, I won't
be able to keep up my end.
Enos said it would
fit in the truck.
The man's a chronic
liar. I'm alone.
- Listen, hold the light.
- Hold the light?
For goodness' sake.
It's just a crate.
Shamu.
Let's go check for the bones.
Probably broken every
bone in his body.
Hey, Bo?
Come on. Quite a ride, huh?
She caught me off
guard, or I would've
rode her the full ten seconds.
Bo, that was incredible. You saved
my life. It was totally unselfish.
It weren't nothing. I saw the
elephant coming for you...
so I jumped in front of you,
pulled you out of the way...
The elephant hurt her foot.
- Then the elephant what?
- I'm sorry.
Look. She hurt her foot.
Who gives a turkey about her foot?
I could've broke my back in there.
Sweetheart.
- You hurt her foot.
- I didn't.
You did.
All it was, was this
little splinter
which was stuck in her foot.
Easy, girl.
- Cute couple, aren't they?
- Yeah, they are.
Kind of reminds me of my Aunt
Charlotte. Smells like her, too.
How rude.
Now, Charlotte, don't you
listen to any of that.
Now that you've got a
hold of Charlotte...
I don't have a hold of
Charlotte. She's got hold of me.
Whatever. Why don't you
both mosey to the truck...
get on, we'll get out, and
won't get into trouble.
Let go of me, Charlotte.
Thank you.
- Open the door, Cledus.
- Okay. I'd like to see this.
I'm coming, too. I'm behind
the whole troop here.
Bringing up the rear, so to speak.
Move out. Move it out.
Come on, Charlotte.
Come on.
Steady.
Now, let's see here.
You got any ideas?
Well?
Sure. I could just tell
Charlotte to get in the truck.
- Good.
- Do that.
Charlotte, get in the truck.
Go on. Get in your house.
Come on. Get in your house.
Good girl. That's a girl.
How the heck are we ever
gonna get her out of there?
I'm just gonna tell
her to turn around.
He's just gonna talk a
little elephant there.
Charlotte, turn around. Come on.
Turn around, babe. Come on. Yeah.
I can turn them on, but
I can't turn them off.
Hi, Buford.
Hello, you handsome sumbitch.
Hi, Junior.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Shut up, you shit.
You barrel of monkey nuts.
Well, as you can see, Bandit...
I got my piece in my hand.
- You got your what in your hand?
- Don't get funny, Bandit.
If you make one move,
I'm gonna put a hole...
right between those
gorgeous brown eyes.
I don't think you're
that good a shot.
Are you kidding?
Do you realise that at one time...
I won the marksmanship
championship award...
from "Swollen Groin" Gatsell?
I don't believe you.
Do you see those three
lights over there?
Watch this.
That's pretty good shooting.
But I'd really be convinced...
if you could shoot that
weathervane over yonder.
That's a baby-piss shot.
That was good shooting.
I gotta admit that.
Of course, them targets
weren't moving. Now...
He's only got two more
shots. Give me the bottles.
- Give me your gun, Junior.
- Just to make you feel at home...
I'm gonna throw up a couple
of bottles of prune juice.
We're running with a crazy
man. You know that?
Are you convinced now?
I'm convinced that you is
out of bullets. Bye-bye.
Give me your gun.
Hang onto your ass,
Fred. Here we go again.
Why didn't you have
your gun loaded?
When I put bullets in it,
Daddy, it gets too heavy.
Shut your ass.
And that goes for
the two monks, too.
Do you see him anywhere?
No, but he'll be along,
just like death and taxes.
He didn't get away from
me. I let him escape.
You see, what I'm doing
is playing with him...
like a cat plays with a mouse.
The mouse jumps this way,
and I grab him with my paw.
The mouse jumps that way,
and I grab him with my paw.
And then finally,
I squash his ass.
- You're the Bandit, ain't you?
- Yeah.
You're early, cowboy.
This is just a practise.
Game isn't till tomorrow.
We're big fans and wanna get good
seats. You with the Dolphins?
No. I'm with the world
champion Pittsburgh Steelers.
- Bradshaw with you?
- Of course.
Coach doesn't let us go
anywhere without him.
Thanks a lot.
- Hi, Bandit, Frog.
- Hi, Terry.
- I need a favour.
- You always do.
You still got your
ranch in Shreveport?
You bet.
I don't have to tell
you who that is.
Buford T. Justice.
Could you hold him up for a while?
Be glad to.
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah?
Tackle that car.
- Thanks, Terry.
- You owe me, Bandit.
Get out of there, you sumbitch...
or you gonna have a penalty
flag hanging out of your ass.
Really?
- Hey, Daddy, that's...
- Shut up.
I know how to handle
these bubble-butts.
If you don't get out of the way,
I'm gonna run right over you.
That's been tried before.
But your possibility for
success is extremely remote.
He's like all the other jocks:
big, but dumb as a stump.
I knew this would happen as soon
as they started that busing shit.
Snowman, are you back there, son?
My mirrors are empty...
and so is my fuel tank.
If we don't pull over and
get me some go-go juice...
we gonna be in a heap of trouble.
What do you think?
If you're telling me you're out
of gas, we are in deep shit.
Why didn't you fill up?
- See what I see?
- Yes.
My stars, what is that?
I can run over him, get
you an alligator bag.
I don't want one.
- How about a belt?
- No.
- Shoes?
- Nope.
Howdy.
You always this busy?
Hell, yes.
I had three cars and
a motor home, all
here at the same time, last April.
- You're kidding?
- Nope.
Of course, that was
Easter weekend.
Always picks up around then.
This kind of high-pressure
business will give you ulcers.
This place reminds
me of a roadhouse I
knew in Texas, called
Hamburger Dan's.
Ever hear of it?
Let's cut the shit and
get down to business.
- I ain't got all day.
- Yeah.
Got any diesel fuel?
If I had any more diesel fuel,
they'd make me join that OPEC.
I'll let you get back to work now.
I guess you want me
to pump it myself.
If you want any.
Snowman...
you're not gonna believe this.
You're gonna come up
on a sign that says:
"Diesel fuel. Last
chance. Turn left."
Roger. Got my 10 hung out in the
wind, looking for your sign.
By the way, when we
get there, do you
mind if we check on our passenger?
I ain't heard anything in a while.
Could be in a lot of trouble.
You grip?
- Damn, she ain't right.
- How's Charlotte?
I don't know anything
about elephants,
but something's
bothering the old girl.
I wish we could get
a hold of a vet.
Fat chance of that out here.
Hey, anybody in that crapper?
How does he know
whether she's sick?
I guess he felt her nose.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's just motion sickness...
What would you do without Snowman?
Why? What'd you do?
Remember seeing an
ambulance come by?
Is that what that was?
Inside that ambulance,
Miss Carrie...
Was a vet.
No, it was a doctor. But we might
get him to look at Charlotte.
- Do you reckon?
- I reckon.
- Howdy.
- Buon giorno.
- You a doctor?
- Not yet, but I'm working on it.
I got my green card.
My licence pending.
Salute. A la beautiful Donna.
- You're Italian?
- Natio.
My name is Dottore Frederico
Carlucci. But you can call me Doc.
Stay.
Swamp fever.
It's no catching.
In Italy we don't have.
You know what I know
about swamp fever?
What's your problem?
You know anything
about sick ladies?
Plenty. I was the leading
gynaecologist in Pompeii.
Population, 23.
Well, we have a lady who
we think is very sick.
She's back down here in the truck.
Would you mind looking at her?
Well, I'm...
Appreciate it. I
know you're eating.
I was just...
I know. We really
appreciate it, though.
Okay. Let me take a look.
Stay.
- Here we go.
- Get your bag.
Doctor, it's very nice of you to
take time out of your busy lunch.
Listen, when somebody's sick,
you gotta stop eating.
That's the Hypocritical Oath.
Doc, there's something we haven't
told you about this patient.
She's not the normal-size
patient. She's...
Big.
Big? Big don't make
no difference. I
got one customer,
Anna Maria Teresa.
We call her Two-Tonne Tessie.
She's built like a brick...
Please.
- Remember the Hypocritic Oath.
- The Hypocritic Oath.
- She's a sweet elephant. Come on.
- Very sweet.
No, please.
Mamma Mia. When you say
big, you no fool around.
She's bigger than Two-Tonne
Tessie. I tell the truth.
I was gonna take her
temperature, but I need this.
She's so nice. What a beauty.
- Then you can help her?
- No.
I told the truth. I'm
no elephant doctor.
I am the leading
gynaecologist in Pompeii.
She got teeth.
I tell...
give her 800 aspirin and
call me in the morning.
Doctor, can't you do
something to help her?
No, I really can't. I wish
I could, but I'm working.
I'm in that ambulance.
Wait. Bob.
My goodness, Bob. Wait for me.
You son of a... I'm in a swamp.
Bob.
Listen, Lone Ranger, can I
pop a ride with you guys?
Sure.
Thank you so much.
You going to Miami?
In a roundabout way. We're
gonna take the scenic route.
The scenic route. Beauty. Okay.
I look on... Charlotte.
Charlotte. Yes.
Show him the living
accommodations.
Appreciate it.
I'll get your bag.
If you no give me ride,
I'll be stuck here...
That a girl. In the house,
Charlotte. In the house.
That's it, in the house.
- In the house?
- In the house.
Okay. I gonna go.
Okay. It dark in here.
There's a light switch
over to your right, Doc.
Okay.
Now that we've got the medical
staff on board, let's haul ass.
One of these days, I'm gonna
write a book about you.
Open.
Okay. Good.
Hey, Daddy, look at that
big, ugly alligator.
That reminds me. I gotta
call your mama tonight.
You know, Daddy, I
like this place.
All the gators and
snakes and stuff.
Why don't we move down here?
Why don't you move down here?
No, Daddy. I ain't
never leaving home.
That's a promise.
Don't you ever threaten
your daddy like that again.
What's that, Daddy?
That must be one of those
new Japanese sports cars.
- Howdy.
- Swamp fever.
Swamp fever.
Swamp Fever?
Damned if I know where it is.
I'm new around here myself.
Help.
If I wasn't in high
pursuit, I'd have
that bum and his
Sukiyaki bicycle...
in the clink, for driving on
the wrong side of the road.
How about you, Bandit?
Got them ears on, son?
Yeah, Snowman. Come on back.
Look two doors behind you
and tell me what you see.
Damn. That son of a
bitch never gives up.
Yes, but if you'd like to see a
bit of heaven, turn around...
because Big Bulldog
Joe Klecko is driving
that Pete parked right
on your backdoor.
Right, Joe?
Hi, Joe.
Howdy, Bandit.
I'll leave this in your hands,
Snowman. We're coming around.
Roger. We'll break for that,
Big Bulldog Joe Klecko.
You got the Bulldog. Kick it back.
See if you can delay that County
Mountie at your backdoor.
10-4.
It's the Bandit.
Hey, you big piece of turkey dump.
Get that mess the
hell out of there.
You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you.
I'll see if I can get it in gear.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Wait a minute.
You do that once again, and
I'm gonna take you apart...
piece by piece.
Badge is crooked, sir.
Much obliged.
Who was that, Daddy?
I don't know, but the
circus must be in town.
Hang on, Junior.
- Daddy, the bridge.
- I can make that easy.
- I tried to tell you, Daddy.
- Shut your ass.
- Now, get out and push.
- Daddy, I...
Get out and push.
Okay, but...
It looks like we've got
a decision to make.
Yeah, it does.
- Heads up, tails down.
- You got it.
This one's for you.
Would you look at that? They
love me in Ole Miss, too.
Hi.
Snowman, you got your ears on?
Anything happening with Charlotte?
Negatory.
Ain't much with
Charlotte. You don't
reckon the doc got
squashed, do you?
- Come on, ring my phone.
- We'll stop here.
Giving Doc a mercy
stop every 1,000
miles ain't asking
too much, is it?
But we're not gonna
make this a habit.
- You drive crazy.
- Is Charlotte all right?
She's okay, but I need air.
Give me a break.
- Where are we?
- On our way to Texas.
Texas? Is that near Miami?
- Her nose cold.
- It's very close to Miami.
Yes, that's good because
I gotta go to Miami.
You understand? I've got a lot of
patients there. I'm
no real doctor.
But I do operations on the side.
A lot of sick people need me.
It would be no good if I leave,
because I got the swamp fever...
a lot of them got a rash,
different things like that.
I tell you the
truth, they need me.
They gonna be fine.
Don't you worry.
Pardon me. All
right, take it easy.
I'll give her a nice
examination soon
as she gets her nose
out of my crotch.
We'll leave the
elephant on the truck.
Give her an examination
while we drive.
No, it's no good. No
room for the stirrup.
You don't understand.
We're in a big hurry.
Bo, it's a living creature.
That's right. She'll
mean very little to
us if we get to Texas
and she's dead.
All right, I'll bring her off.
Excuse me.
Snowman's always
had a heart. Cares
about something
other than himself.
Well, at least you aren't mad
at me. Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy, I got to pee-pee.
- Swallow it. I'm busy.
- But, Daddy, I got to go.
You're just like your mama.
Your mama can't
drive more than two
miles before she's
gotta take a squirt.
Hurry up. Give it a fast shake.
Well, what do you think?
She's something else, I tell you.
Okay, I gotta look down your
throat. Open. Say "Ahh."
For goodness' sake.
- What happened?
- My ring. Oh, geez.
I need a tongue depressor
about this big.
Daddy?
My zipper's stuck.
Get in the car, Junior.
- But, Daddy, my zipper's stuck.
- Get in the car, Junior.
Daddy, my fly's still open.
Let me tell you something, Junior.
If you ever embarrass
me like that again...
I'm gonna get an axe...
and you're never gonna have
to open your fly again.
He loves me. He loves himself.
He loves me. He loves himself.
- He loves me.
- Hi.
I brought you a present.
- You're kidding?
- No.
- Is it gonna blow up in my face?
- It's my record.
We only pressed 75 of them, but...
Well, I wanted you to have one.
You probably saw them
at the KMart, you know.
They gave them away to everybody
that bought anything
over 25 cents.
- I've still got 74 of them.
- I think it represents you well.
I mean, Frank Sinatra
sang My Way...
and you sing Let's Do Something
Cheap and Superficial.
Cruel.
Yeah, I know it.
When I'm around you, I don't
like the way I sound.
Probably the way I used to
act makes you act that way.
That's right.
Oh, God. Sometimes I hate
the way I sound around you.
Maybe it's because of the
way you used to treat me.
Hey, Frog, Bandit.
Charlotte's sick.
- Charlotte's sick. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
Sometimes I think you like that
elephant more than you do me.
Hang on to that thought.
Doctor, what's the matter with
Charlotte? She all right?
I think you're gonna be very
happy. Charlotte's fine...
and I hope the bambino fine, too.
- The what?
- The bambino. Baby.
- Did he say "baby"?
- He just said "baby."
Why did you say "baby"?
Because la signora
Charlotte is pregnant.
Gonna have a little baby elephant.
No, you gonna have a
big baby elephant.
- Who did it?
- Don't look at me.
Probably another elephant.
- I know that, but when?
- Long time ago.
- When is she gonna have the baby?
- Any days, any minutes.
Shit. What are we gonna do?
- We better keep our eyes peeled.
- For what?
For the biggest goddamn
stork you ever seen.
Big stork. With the...
- American joke, right?
- That's not funny.
We'll take this
elephant in the truck,
and we'll drive to
Dallas with her.
- Bo, pooh.
- What?
We're not gonna move
Charlotte anywhere.
Honey, you probably
don't realise this.
In Dallas, they have
the greatest elephant
doctors. Ain't that right, Cledus?
Why don't we ask this
doctor? What do you think?
You think we should we move
Charlotte or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby. She
no can be move for 24 hours.
- What?
- Make it 12.
I'll load her up right now. Come
on. We're running out of time.
- Bo.
- What?
What?
God, I've missed you.
I've missed you so.
It's a little hard to get
reacquainted going
110 miles an hour.
So what could be wrong
spending the night...
- under the stars together?
- Nothing.
- You mean, just you and I, alone?
- Together.
What's going on?
What's going on?
Well, I would say
that she's in love.
Of course, the fat ones
always did go for Bo.
She's jealous. Pregnant
ladies always act funny.
What am I gonna do?
It's important not to upset
her. She's got to be very calm.
Keep her calm.
Get her nice and calm. Then
later tonight, you and I...
- Later on, I'll...
- Yeah.
Later on, I'll meet
you. Okay? Later on.
Yeah. I'll keep the blankets
warm. Just keep her calm.
Charlotte, look. This isn't
gonna work out because...
physically we're not the
right size for each other.
You know what I mean?
Well, Fred...
looks like somebody up
there must like us, boy.
Hey, Bandit, I ain't seen
a smokey now for hours.
Looks like we got
it clean and green
all the way to Louisiana patch.
- What do you think? Come on.
- Knock on wood, son.
You know what I'll do with
my share of the money?
Cute.
I'm gonna get my wife and kids
something they always wanted.
I'm gonna send them
on a trip to Hawaii.
Snowman, you're so crazy
about your family?
Are you crazy or something?
I ain't going with them.
Break for the Bandit.
Guess who just snuck around my
backdoor and is knocking on yours?
Hello, Buford.
Hello, you big lollipop.
Guess who's driving right
up your alimentary canal?
Elementary is about as far as you
got in school, isn't it, son?
Tell you what. As long as we're
talking about elementary school...
why don't we play Follow
the Leader, bumble-butt?
Well, I'll follow, but you
certainly ain't my leader.
Come on, fat boy.
Daddy, I like to play
Follow the Leader.
Shut up, you shit.
I hate to tell you
this, but you're going
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Turn left here, Daddy.
Hold it. Wait.
That's easy for you to say.
Straight ahead, Daddy.
We're closed.
Make another right, Daddy.
Oh, boy. A roller coaster.
Turn left right here, Daddy.
- Damn, I love amusement parks.
- You are an amusement park.
Now turn right and
we'll be in the clear.
- A thrill a minute.
- That's about how long it lasts.
That was below the belt.
"Make a left turn, Daddy.
"Make a right turn, Daddy.
We'll be in the clear."
You moose twit.
Bye-bye, baby
Sir, I am the owner of this...
Of this mess, and...
What are you trying to tell
me? I'm in hot pursuit.
I would like to say
just one thing.
We're closed.
Get in the car, Junior. We're
surrounded by a mental case.
That's correct, Sheriff Justice.
The Bandit just entered Louisiana.
You're here at a
monumental moment.
I'm gonna call my kin for help.
I'm calling my brother Reggie...
and I'm calling my
brother Gaylord.
They've been in law enforcement
for over 20 years.
Get me Quebec, Canada,
on the phone.
- Canada?
- Yes, up north.
- How much I owe you, my man?
- $24.
You take a personal check?
Just making a joke. $24, huh?
Here you go. $25, keep the change.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
You wouldn't be the guy they
call the Bandit, would you?
- The one and only.
- Bandit.
Now that you've graced my humble
establishment, I'll take
this opportunity...
- to tell you something.
- Go right ahead.
If I was making a
list of the great
assholes of the 20th century...
you'd be in the top five.
Hey, wait a minute.
Bo, even Bambi has
enemies. Let's go.
Listen. Let me tell
you something. I'm
practically an American folk hero.
Ask some of my fans. To
know me is to love me.
You know, I just made a
correction on my list.
- Yeah?
- You're in the top two assholes.
How about I give you my poster?
Me in the Trans-Am going
up the World Trade Centre.
Buzz off. I'm busy.
God damn it. I'm one
of the most beloved
grassroot folk heroes of America.
Hey. Get out of here, you weirdo.
Listen to me. Little kids love me.
Parents love me.
Everybody loves me.
Come on out here and love me, or
I'll kick your little skinny ass.
Excuse me. Hi. How are
you? Good to see you.
Get a hold of yourself. You're not
exactly baseball and
mum's apple pie.
The man has a right
to his opinion.
Who does he think he is?
You ought to ask yourself that
question. Have a nice day.
I'm telling you, people love me.
What's wrong?
We got a problem. Talk to the doc.
What's the matter, Doc?
She no can go. She gonna
start the labour.
Maybe we need to get
her off her feet.
Exactly. That's the problem.
In there she bounce
around. Too much danger.
She just wants a little
attention, that's all.
We'll load her on the truck and
get going. Come on, let's go.
Of course, we load her up
on the truck and let's go.
La signora Charlotte can
do anything she wants.
Put her on the truck.
Sure, take the
baby and go bada bing, bada bong.
It don't make no
difference to you...
Lone Ranger of the United
States of America.
I tell one thing, I no
gonna be responsible.
What's the matter? Don't
you understand English?
He said you can't be bouncing her
around. She's gonna have a baby.
Don't you understand $400,000?
This is the last chance we're
ever gonna have. $400,000.
I understand, and I'd like to
have my share of the $400,000.
But I ain't gonna kill
an elephant to get it.
Bo, it isn't the money, is it?
You want to make this last run
so you can be famous again.
Be the old Bandit, come driving
in there and be everybody's hero?
I know you. You don't want to
hurt this elephant. I know you.
I don't want to hurt the
elephant. I really don't.
It's just maybe my last
chance to be somebody.
Bo, everybody is somebody.
Yeah.
Hey, we were just thinking.
Maybe we have been working
too hard, you reckon?
We'll go into town, have
some wine, women, and song.
A little pasta fagioli.
- This your elephant?
- Yeah. Who's that?
You live around here, kid?
Across the track,
on the good side.
- What's your name?
- My name is Anthony T. Townes.
My name is Bandit Darville.
- I guess you've heard of me, huh?
- Nope.
Well, I'm kind of famous.
- Rich?
- I'm working on it.
How would you like to
watch him for a while?
You won't believe this,
but I'm very busy.
- Oh, yeah?
- But I could be persuaded.
Tell me, how much does
the elephant weigh?
The elephant weighs about
four and a half tons.
Could you pay me by the pound?
Cute, isn't he? Cute.
What kind of music you
got here in town?
Rhythm and blues.
Rhythm and blues? Wow.
- How do you like Country?
- Country sucks.
He hates Country. Isn't there
anybody in town sings Country?
There's this cat,
name of Don Williams.
My second favourite singer in the
whole world is Don Williams.
We'll go to town,
listen to Don Williams
and be back. You
watch this elephant.
If anything happens
to the elephant...
I know. You're gonna
feed me to him.
You know, Daddy, I don't think
the Bandit's really bad.
I think the trouble is he just
got in with real bad company.
Bad company?
Let me tell you something, Junior.
When you raid a cathouse, you
take the piano player, too.
Thank you. Folks, I'd like
for you all to know...
that we have an honest-to-goodness
celebrity with us here tonight.
Some folks might hate him...
but I know there's a bunch
of us that really love him.
You all welcome the world's
biggest show-off, the Bandit.
I think I know how you
feel about things, Bandit.
I'd like to dedicate my new
song to both of you all.
What are you doing?
I was writing a little
poem about you.
- Can I see?
- I'll show it to you.
Okay.
The doc said we gotta take the
weight off Charlotte's legs.
So, I figured out
if I built this net
and took the weight
off her legs...
that we could just tool on
down the road to Dallas.
Fine.
Hey.
- Where you going?
- New York.
- Why?
- Because you're not there.
What's the matter with you?
You punch your friend,
yell at the doctor
who looks like the
Pillsbury Doughboy...
play hootchy-koo
with me, and all the
time you're trying to
make this run work.
I'm not trying to figure it out. I
figured out how to make it work.
And I'm gonna make this run work.
That is it for you.
You have had it. You're
hooked. You're a fame junkie.
They should give you
intravenous feedings...
of People magazine and
National Enquirer headlines.
And if you're a real
good boy, they'll
give you a Tonight Show enema.
What is the matter?
If you weren't so dumb,
they'd put you on Cross-Wits.
What is the matter with you?
You know what?
When I first met you, I think
you really liked yourself.
I liked you.
And you did what you did best.
What, show off?
Yeah. You did it so
good, you got famous.
Then you had to do
more and more until
you were doing what
you didn't do best.
And now I don't think
you even have any fun.
I'm not having any fun right now.
Neither am I.
I hope you like yourself someday.
Goodbye.
You know, Charlotte...
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
I don't wanna see
you start drinking
either. It's not a
good thing to do.
I'm weak. I admit it.
I'm a weak person. I
need other people.
Don't turn your back on me.
I need you.
I need somebody to care about me.
Not that much.
Look, I came up with this thing.
You think this was a good idea?
Look. I got your legs up off
the floor and everything.
- What do you say, guys?
- Bo, you're drunk.
- Is it gonna work, Doc?
- Yes, Lone Ranger, it'll work.
- Good thinking.
- Thanks, Kemo Sabe.
- Okay, let's get rolling.
- Come on. I help you down.
Okay.
- What about the bottle, Bo?
- What about it?
Daddy, I can't wait to meet
Uncle Gaylord and Uncle Reggie.
Bandit, I hate to upset your
stomach by mentioning this name...
but do you realise it's been a few
miles since we've seen Buford T.?
I don't miss him.
That's nice.
Where the hell are they?
They should be here by now.
Hello, Buford, you old sugar.
Is that you, Gaylord?
You bet your little
bellybutton it is.
Did you bring the troops with you?
I sure did.
Well, that's fine. Now,
where the hell is Reggie?
I think I hear him coming now.
Sergeant Reginald Van
Justice reporting for duty.
Well, ain't that nice? But
have you got the men with you?
They're in position and
stand at the ready.
Say, you know something?
This is the first time in 20
years we've all been together.
- Why don't we all take a picture?
- That's a good idea.
Junior, get the camera
out of the car.
Come on, P.T.
Everybody ready?
- Say cheese, Ramona.
- Let's go.
That's it.
All right, men. Let's
mount up and cut out.
Son, if we keep humping all night,
we'll be in Dallas by morning.
We're finally in Texas.
Hey, Bandit, we got you-know-who
on my backdoor one more time.
Say, Bandit, if you make a left
turn on this next dirt road...
then your ass is gonna be
grass, and I'm gonna mow it.
You ought to put some Preparation
H on your lips, Buford...
cause you're talking out
of your you-know-what.
This is the left,
Bandit. Now, are you
gonna take that challenge or not?
Come on, fat boy.
Snowman, keep on hoofing
it down the road.
Buford thinks he's
suckering me into
something, but it
ain't gonna happen.
We're both going out
into this desert,
but only one of us is coming back.
You hear that, Buford?
Are you ready, Gaylord?
We are ready with charge akimbo.
Are you ready, Reggie?
We are prepared for combat.
And are you ready, Bandit?
I was born ready, lard ass.
Just take a little
look up to your right.
Now, take a little
look up to your left.
Now, take a look behind you.
I'm about to crush your walnuts.
I'm about to get my
walnuts outta here.
Let's roll them.
Snowman, I got me some
serious trouble here, son.
And I ain't kidding this time.
I got wall-to-wall County
Mounties and Mountie Mounties.
Maybe a hundred of them. This
may be more than I can handle.
Listen to me, and you listen
good. Make the delivery.
You just hang on. We'll
be there in a minute.
Do as I say. Deliver
them goddamn goods.
I'll catch up with you later.
You know what you're
talking about.
But just in case you
don't, Snowman's
gonna be standing by. Roger.
Come on, Trigger. Don't
let me down now.
Buford, I hope you got
group insurance...
because I'm about to spread some
iron all over this goddamn desert.
Don't worry about that. I got
my whole ass in good hands.
King Kong ain't got
hands that big.
Snowman, you damn fool. I told you
to haul ass and get outta here.
And I told you that when we set
out to do a job together...
we do it together. Roger.
I don't care about
your skinny little
ass, but what about Charlotte?
Don't worry about her.
They got a ringside seat.
Tell me, how many
trucks do you see?
I see one, unless
I've been drinking.
Hey, boys. Do it to it.
Then I must be
commode-hanging drunk...
because I swear I see
a ton of trucks.
- Hey, Daddy, what's that?
- Holy shit.
Welcome to the world's biggest
game of chicken, boys.
Shit.
Hang on, boys. The army's coming.
This is the Plowboy. I
got me one lined up.
Excuse me, sir. Your
ass is on fire.
Bet you'll be glad to get back to
Canada and stick it in the snow.
Not bad driving for a
couple of Mounties.
Yeah, but look up ahead.
- Seminole, you got your ears on?
- I copy.
I want you to dump that
boy in the garbage.
That's exactly what I
had in mind, Bandit.
- Hey, Roadrunner, you hungry?
- Why do you ask?
Just move towards me. We'll
have us a Mountie sandwich.
Brake for that, short boy.
You're too old to play in the hay.
Now that we've got them,
what will we do with them?
Hell, there's a parking
lot right here.
Three out of four ain't
bad. Where you taking them?
- How about the dump?
- Good thinking.
Junior, the way things look...
I'm beginning to be
deeply concerned.
Fred, this one's for you, my boy.
Look out, Junior.
- Are you all right, Junior?
- Yeah.
You would be, you shit.
Way to go. Take it to him, son.
Whoa.
How do you like that, turkey shit?
Snowman, I've had about as much
fun as I can handle for one day.
How about showing me
the way outta here?
All right. Roger. Jump
on my tailgate, Bandit.
I know where the front
door's located.
Look at that pile of cars, Daddy.
Looks like they bombed
a drive-in movie.
He don't know it,
but he's going down
a dead-end road, that dumb dickey.
Look, Daddy. Uncle Gaylord and
Uncle Reggie are right behind us.
I got him boxed in like
a turtle's pecker.
There's a gully on
the right and on the
left and a mountain
in front of me.
You want to tell me about
that front door again?
Hey, brother truckers,
the Bandit's worried.
He wants to get out of here.
Are you ready? Hello.
Fred, don't look.
He ain't the only daredevil.
You guys give great bridge.
That was beautiful,
drivers. I owe you one.
Good numbers to you
and the Bandit.
Say roger, Fred.
You're not getting
away from me, Bandit.
And I'm still in hot pursuit.
I copy that, Buford. But I hear
your pursuit ain't that hot.
Give me your handkerchief.
- What?
- Give me your handkerchief.
- What is it?
- A little fly shit.
Daddy, look out.
- Daddy?
- Shut up, Junior. I'm thinking.
What are you thinking about?
Retiring.
Snowman, how's your patient?
She ain't doing too good.
Doc says she's in labour.
Bo, I ain't asking
you. I'm begging you.
There's a place here.
Let's pull over.
- 10-4.
- Attaboy.
It's one of those
guys from the park.
Pay him off. Get him outta here.
Please, get my bag. Hurry up.
Bring my bag.
What the hell's going on here?
- We're having a baby.
- This is a wildlife preserve.
What better place to have a baby
elephant than a wildlife preserve?
- You get your elephant...
- $100.
- You get your people...
- $200.
And you get the hell out of here.
$300.
- $400.
- You're right.
What better place to have a baby
elephant than in a
wildlife preserve?
What a putz.
Snowflake, Bandito.
Hey, cowboy. Look, Lone Ranger.
It's a boy. First
I seen the trunk.
All right, we've got six hours.
Let's cut the Bambi shit. Load
her on the truck and get going.
No. Lone Ranger, no can be.
The bambino troppo delicate. It
cannot be removed from the mama.
All right, we'll take
the mama and the baby.
We'll put them both on the
truck and go to Dallas.
When you give birth to a
200-pound elephant...
you don't wanna go for a
ride. You wanna go...
- She's strong as an ox.
- She is strong.
She gotta wait till she
strong like an elephant.
Bo, I know how much
you need the money.
Who doesn't need the money?
But let's don't do it this
way. It ain't decent.
If you're through preaching,
Reverend, we're moving out.
No, I ain't going.
And you ain't going either.
You just let your alligator mouth
overload your jaybird ass.
Doc, I thought I loved
him too much to do that.
I guess not.
You know I can take your
head off, don't you?
And you know that's exactly
what you're gonna have to do.
What is the matter with you two
idiots? You act like she's human.
I'm sorry.
I like myself now, Carrie.
I found out there's something
more important than me.
I found out there's nothing
more important than us.
I didn't take Charlotte to Dallas.
- You didn't?
- No.
- What about Big Enos?
- Let him get his own date.
- What about the money?
- I blew it.
We still can make it.
- We?
- Give me a chance.
- Have you got over $1?
- Yeah.
- Cash?
- Yeah.
That's enough.
You know what? We're
gonna have a problem.
Charlotte's gonna
be awfully jealous.
I want to show you something.
Charlotte had her baby.
You're a wonderful person.
Charlotte. Look what you did.
Hi, guys.
Look at the baby. Charlotte,
what a good girl you are.
Charlotte, is it all right
if Frog and I get hitched?
You see? It's better than the Good
Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Well, Bo, what do we do now?
I think we ought to go back to
doing what I do best, show off.
That's a 10-4, good buddies.
- Shut up and get in the truck.
- Okay.
You're not getting
away from me, Bandit.
I'll chase you in hot pursuit
to the ends of the earth.
You sumbitch.
I guess we'll go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
When do we get started?
- When do we get started?
- That's my line.
- You say, "Whenever you like."
- Whenever you like.
Keep it rolling.
This is good stuff.
I like this.
I'll tell you what. We're gonna go
in town, we're gonna listen to...
Let's do that again. I'm screwing
up. You keep it rolling.
He's doing great.
I'm... Here we go.
You didn't waste any time
dilly-dallying around...
with other people when...
I'm gonna pick that up
again. I got it. It's okay.
Damn, that son of a
bitch never gives up.
That's right. Now what do I say?
- 71, take two.
- 71, take two, camera B.
Oh, my clicker won't work.
Marker.
Tell Gregory Peck
that he needs to do
this for me. I forgot the... line.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
I am holding up my endorsement...
until one or the
other of you can...
I'm what you call your
household legend.
Your basic legend.
Your basic famous.
I'll just say that line again.
Get in the truck.
I'll tell her again.
Get in the truck.
Charlotte. Hop in the truck.
Hop.
- In the house.
- Don't push the truck.
In the house, Charlotte.
You're pushing the
truck to Georgia.
Come on.
That's right, you old fart.
Go the wrong way. This way.
- Here we go. Pick it up.
- Hold it. Steady.
If I was Clint Eastwood,
you'd say, "Pick Clint up."
Doctor, why don't we just
keep driving to Texas...
and you give her an
examination up in the truck?
Oh, Jesus. I'm missing
my wife so bad.
Do you wanna... him while
we got him down here?
I was the leading
gynaecologist in Pompeii.
Snowman. I've had
about it all's...
You dumb Indian.
Fred, just relax, son.
It ain't nearly as
bad as it looks.
Get up in there, you
son of a bitch.
Get in there, you
silly son of a bitch.
- You got any diesel fuel?
- If I had any more diesel fuel...
I'd have to join that APEC, OPEC.
I'll give it to you again.
Do you realise I won the
marksmanship award?
Your father's ass.
Longer than three months
and your mother's ass.
But shorter than three years.
Sure, put her in the truck.
Bounce the "Raby" around.
Don't make no difference.
Put her in the truck.
Bounce the "Raby" around...
Your mother's ass.
Sure, la signora Charlotte
can do anything she wants.
Put her in the truck.
Bounce the "Raby"...
- Your mother's ass.
- Keep it rolling.
This lady gonna have a baby...
and not gonna be moved for 24...
Cut it.
I think we should ask this doctor.
Do you think we should move
Charlotte or let her rest or what?
I can't stand it. I'm sorry.
Okay. Come on.
Now.
Well, why don't we ask
this doctor here?
Do you think we should move
Charlotte or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby...
- Cut it.
- All right. Save it.
We'll start doing what I
do best. We'll show off.
- When do we get started?
- Whenever you like.
Is now too soon?
No.
It's all shit. Let's
print the first one.
I'm Big Enos Burdette.
This is my son, Little Enos.
Believe me, you put
Enos Burdette in
the capitol building in Austin...
Holy... Is that who I think it is?
If that ain't John Coen, then
I'm the Incredible Hulk.
Bomb bay doors open.
Bombs away.
Daddy, this bullshit
has got to stop.
I reckon if I spend
a few more million,
I'd have this election sewed up.
You better. You only raised $80
at that last benefit dinner.
I delivered the Statler
Brothers, didn't I?
Are you ready, Son?
Nobody shit-bombs a Burdette
and gets away with it.
I'll tell you one thing.
When I'm elected governor...
I'm gonna pass a law that
damn fools like that...
can't fly over other
people's property.
Let it fly, boy. Let it fly.
Shit.
Enos Burdette, your fat ass will
not warm the governor's chair...
if I have to spend every
goddamn dime I got.
Candidates for governor of Texas?
Why don't you boys try something
a little more your size?
If I had my choice, I'd endorse
one of the Dallas cheerleaders...
before I'd back
either one of you...
turkeys.
Now, get out of my sight.
What is it?
It's Silisbey, Governor.
Silisbey, I told you before.
I will now tell you again.
Go to Pier 23 in Miami.
Pick up crate number 1444,
and deliver its contents...
to the Republican National
Convention in Dallas in nine days.
No, you fool, nine days. Nine.
That crate is a very special gift
from me to the Grand Old Party.
It'll be your ass if
it's not there in time.
Just get me crate number 1444.
- Son, come on. Come on, Son.
- Where we going, Daddy? And why?
We're going to the governor's
office, by way of Miami.
♪ Well, if I can keep it on the
ground when I put
that hammer down ♪
♪ He thinks he's
really got it cooking
Plans to do a lot of booking ♪
♪ So if I can keep
it on the ground
when I put that hammer down ♪
Fred, I know you're nervous...
but if you can hold them burger
bits down for one more lap...
me and you gonna
be $20,000 richer.
On to the white flag,
with one lap to go.
Coming down. Look at
that straight away.
Look at that.
Truck's demolished, but
he's gonna walk away.
Looks like he's all right.
Big Iron coming
down to the finish.
The Jimmy General out in front
at the end of 200 miles.
All bunched up and coming
down to the finish line...
your winner will
be Cledus Snowman.
Fred, did you ever see
a check that big? I'm
gonna use that and
get you a face-lift.
Snowman, see you a minute?
Folks, I want you to meet
Big Wart and Little Wart.
You be careful, Snowman. Us
Burdettes don't take kindly...
to a slur on our family name.
I'm sorry. I thought you two was
a slur on your family name.
Snowman, we didn't
come here to fight.
He's smarter than
he looks, ain't he?
Look, we got us a business
proposition. We gotta
find the Bandit.
I figured you was
looking for the Bandit.
You know where he is?
That depends on how hard
somebody's looking for him.
- We're looking mighty hard.
- I mean hard, like in hard cash.
$100,000? US?
You want his phone
number, MasterCharge
number or the colour
of his Jockey shorts?
I mean, I can...
You don't have to take my picture.
I'll go home and sit
on your dresser.
Look, time's a-wasting
here, Snowman.
You want to breed or
listen to my proposition?
Bring Fred, the truck and anything
else that looks nice
down to the pit.
I appreciate you two
dropping by and
trashing up my moment of glory.
You want the money or the glory?
I'd like to have them both,
but I got this problem.
Let me guess. You don't
know where the Bandit is?
We got us a winner. Yeah,
my mind went blank.
Let me jiggle your memory
bank a little bit.
$200,000?
Well, the clouds are
parting a little.
$200,000. You take it or leave it.
Would you believe I
just got total recall?
Here's the deal. You
go down and pick
up this package on a Miami dock...
and deliver it to the
governor of Texas.
- The governor of Texas?
- That's right.
Strictly legit.
- And you're Wilt Chamberlain.
- That's right.
Listen, this whole thing is legal.
I'll stake my reputation on that.
His, too.
That makes me feel a
whole lot better.
There's one thing bothers us.
We heard talk of the
Bandit slipping.
"Gone into the shithouse" is
the exact phrase we heard.
May I tell you boys something?
He is in better shape now...
than he's ever been in
his life, trust me.
Hey, Bo.
Bo, you all right?
Cledus, you've gotten taller.
Yes, and you've gotten drunker.
This place looks like a shithouse.
- Want to sit down? Sit there.
- Come on, Bo.
What've you got on? Come on, here.
- Is that you, Cledus?
- Yeah, it's me.
- You dropped my watch.
- I know it. Come here.
Sit down.
- Your timing is just rotten.
- Look.
I'm gonna make us a lot
of money. $200,000. Look.
$200,000.
Big and Little Enos are out
there, and they got $200,000.
I need you to be straight for
three minutes. Can you manage...
That's good enough. Come on.
Come here. $200,000.
But you've got to be straight for
two minutes. That's all I need.
Want a picture of me?
Only 50 cents apiece.
- You can have one for nothing.
- Hello.
Fellows. No. Get back in here.
When we get in there,
let me do the talking.
Okay, fellows. Come on in.
Now, he's meditating.
Don't talk to him much.
Don't run off, Bandit.
This is a sweet deal.
$200,000 just to bring a package
from Florida to Dallas.
That's what I said: $200,000.
I don't think he's interested.
What does it take to
keep this man erect?
A different set of figures.
How much more do you want?
Four. $400,000.
You got it. Is it a deal?
I'll check with him.
- Got a deal.
- Okay. Don't get up, Bandit.
I gotta go now, but I'll
see you back in Texas.
And here's the
number of the crate.
Wait a minute.
He wants to say something else.
Right.
If he doesn't get
at least half the
money, he may become very violent.
Give him the money, Little Enos.
I'd like to kick
his ass just once.
Come on. Let's go.
He's overdue for a
good butt-kicking.
Look at that.
Do you realise we
can start a bank?
That's more money than I've
seen in one time in my life.
You're crying. We got the
money. What are you crying...
I was just thinking about Frog.
I really wish it could've
worked for you two.
I'm ready.
Don't hurt the money.
I don't need anybody.
Okay.
You think I ain't ready, son?
You just watch my smoke.
Daddy, come on. You're gonna
be late for my wedding.
Sumbitch.
- Good morning, Sheriff.
- Good morning, nice lady.
You must be mighty proud of
that wonderful son you got.
Let me tell you something.
Junior's nothing but a
big mound of tick turd.
Imagine. Trying to marry that
floozy for a second time.
You know, if Junior is able
to get up in the morning...
tie his shoelaces
and take a pee...
- I'm not proud. I'm amazed.
- I declare.
I didn't realise this floozy was
the same one as the last one.
But I do remember
all that trouble,
that poor child being abducted...
and taken off by that
handsome devil, Bandit.
Sheriff, is that your
radio acting up?
No, that ain't my radio. It's
my hemo-gauge that's beeping.
This hemo-gauge and
that exercise...
was invented in a monastery
by a couple of Tibetan monks.
They live in Newark now.
And just lucky enough, I saw the
advertisement in Screw magazine.
So I sent away for
it. Cost me $19.95.
That's just wonderful, Sheriff. I
guess that makes it
easier for you...
to deal with that business about
your daughter-in-law to be...
running off with that
gorgeous, handsome Bandit.
Daddy?
Come on. You're gonna be late.
Sumbitch.
My dear friends, you have come
together in this church...
so that the Lord may seal
and strengthen your love.
Excuse me.
Hello?
But, sir, this is a wedding.
All right, just a moment.
It's for the bride-to-be.
It's long distance.
Carrie?
It's for you.
Junior, I don't think I
should take it right now.
You gotta take it.
It's long distance.
Right.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
Cledus, hi. How are you?
I'm good.
Look, Cledus, I'm a
little busy right now.
Who's in trouble?
Oh, him.
Yeah, sure. I remember him.
Help?
Why should I help him?
What good reason?
$50,000? That's a good reason.
Yeah, right. I'll be right there.
Junior, do you love me?
- Sure, Carrie.
- Good.
Because maybe then you'll
understand and you'll wait for me.
When I get back, I'll
have enough money for
that brand new milking
machine you want.
Good. And maybe someday
we can buy a cow.
Right.
Not again.
Now, just where do you
think you're going?
The Bandit needs me.
And you better
recharge your beeper.
Damn. I thought I was
supposed to go with her.
Well, I said it before...
and I'm gonna say it again.
There ain't no way that you
could come from my loins.
I'm going home and kick
your mama in the butt.
- Okay, where's the rest of it?
- You found them all, Massa.
Yeah.
You know what I think about
your big training program?
J-O-A-K, joke.
That's what I think.
I'm in better shape every day.
If Big Enos could
ship that package of
his to Texas behind
a team of mules...
it'd beat us at the
rate we're going.
Just because I started shaking,
you're falling to pieces.
Shaking? You've got
the DTs so bad...
you could thread a sewing
machine with it running.
Thanks. I'll take that.
I don't know why you sent
for her. I don't need her.
You don't need anybody,
but she's coming.
Why don't you admit
you're glad she's coming?
You'll need all the help you
can get to get in shape...
to make this run, anyway.
Well, that's about enough.
- How many is that?
- One.
- You did one yesterday.
- I know, and it hurt.
Do you think maybe you could
squeeze two out of your body...
- without having a coronary?
- I could try.
She never was that much
of a help, anyway.
I just figured out why
my album didn't sell.
It was the wrong
selection of material:
- The Bandit Sings Cole Porter.
- Listen.
If you think the girl was having
a good time, look at that.
Hell, she had to get
in line to see you.
She left me when the
going got tough.
Hold it.
I distinctly remember that
when the going got good...
it was Bo's big ego that
busted everything up.
Remember what I told you? I said,
"If you ever lose that girl...
"you're gonna wind up being a
booze-head ex-superstar...
"and every time you
come up for air,
you'll have a can of
beer in your hand."
- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah?
Would you... Give me the beer.
You're gonna keep
drinking that stuff...
your belly's the size of
a number ten washtub.
You know what? I
hope I'm there when
they do the autopsy
on your butt...
because your kidneys gotta look
like the air cleaner on a KW.
Besides, me and you
together couldn't scrape
up six people to be
your pallbearers.
That's a long walk
to make by your...
Somebody left this up here.
I'm gonna put it back.
Bo, she's here.
- Hi, Frog.
- Hi, Bandit.
- You're shaking.
- I'm cold.
I thought maybe you were
nervous about seeing me again.
I'm cold.
It's been a long time since I've
seen you, six or seven months.
I don't know.
It's more like eight
months, four days, and
six and a half hours,
but I'm not sure.
After we broke up,
where did you go?
- To pieces.
- Yeah?
And then I went to New York.
I started dancing
again. I got this
fabulous job in a rock musical.
Is that where you
got those clothes?
What's wrong with these clothes?
Nothing, if you're
in a rock musical.
I wouldn't talk if I were you. You
look like "The Gay Caballero."
- Let's not fight.
- I don't want to fight, either.
Miss Frog, remember me?
Cledus.
You skinny old bone.
My God, the man has no
meat on him whatsoever.
You ever seen a fat
racehorse, mama?
Do you know how
glad I am to see...
Hey.
- What is this?
- Cledus, you didn't tell him?
No. Frog, I forgot.
I was getting all set to marry
Junior again when I got your call.
You didn't waste much
time dilly-dallying
around with another
bunch of people...
did you, once we broke up?
You were dilly-dallying around
when we were still together.
Hey, kids. Will you
just knock it off?
The important thing is we're
back together again, right?
Yeah, he's right.
Let me make myself
perfectly clear.
While there is a certain amount of
physical attraction between us...
and even some residual
affection, due to nostalgia...
my one and only reason for being
here is money. M-O-N-E-Y.
So let's get started whipping
your ass into shape.
She still loves me.
Damned if you ain't ready for
the Kentucky Derby, son.
Forty-eight. We ain't
got but four days left.
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
Texas is a long ways.
You're getting pretty good.
I got to quit this soon...
or I'm gonna end up looking
like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'm glad we're gonna
get out of here.
I'm afraid this luxurious
lifestyle is gonna grow on me.
Slight problem there. I
ain't got no wheels.
I'm the only man in the world
that drank up a Trans-Am.
Can you imagine Roy Rogers
selling Trigger for a six-pack?
No.
- Think he's ready, mama?
- I think he's ready.
You see, we have got
a surprise for you.
What?
- We've got a surprise for you.
- Yes, big surprise.
If you will just
kindly step outside.
Right outside, here.
We got something we'd like
to show you. Come on.
Son of Trigger.
You shouldn't have done that.
Pretty, ain't it? I didn't
do it all by myself.
- Mama helped me a little.
- What did you do?
I traded Junior's car in on it.
- Black is beautiful.
- Expensive, too.
- But worth it.
- Yeah.
Where was that you
said we were going?
Where do you think we need to go?
Miami.
Bet that smokey can't handle
the legendary Bandit...
just driving along at
old double nickel.
Maybe he doesn't know who
the legendary Bandit is.
Doubtful.
I'm what you call
your "basic famous."
- "Basic famous."
- Bandit.
Hey, Bandit. Hi.
Gotta be careful of
women like that.
Yeah?
They start off, they just
want your autograph.
Next, they wanna tear your clothes
off. Then they want your body.
You're kidding?
No, I wouldn't kid about
a thing like that.
You don't joke about people
taking your clothes off.
No. Golly, it must be hard.
- What?
- Being a superstar.
I'll tell you something.
Sometimes it's hell.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
I don't know. You
feel like a freak.
Probably.
You know, I've been thinking...
and I'd rather just
have your autograph.
- As opposed to what?
- Ripping your clothes off.
Why?
I've seen you with your
clothes off, remember?
Of course I remember.
It ain't no big deal.
I swear I'm gonna
break the camera,
with my hair in rollers like this.
Hell, it's worth it...
getting your picture took
with a living legend.
- Bo, it's awful hot out here.
- I'll be right with you, honey.
Take your time. I
understand completely.
I think I'd like one of those
pictures for myself...
wallet-size, with a glossy
finish, the scalloped edges.
I wanna remember
this moment forever.
Hold still. Say "cheese."
- Cheese.
- Thank you.
- Bye, gals.
- Thanks.
I could die right here.
- Bye.
- Bye, Bandit.
- Howdy.
- What do you boys need?
We're here to pick up a crate.
Do you have a crate number 1444?
Got it right here.
Right in between number 1443...
- and 1445.
- Good place.
You want to go down to the
first building on the right...
and hook a left.
- First dock on the left.
- Right.
No, left. You wanna
go down here...
Sir?
That's all right. We'll
find it. Thank you.
Okay, that's all
right. Hold it, boys.
I can't let you take that crate.
- What do you mean?
- I just checked my records...
and that crate's quarantined
for another three weeks.
Quarantined? You mean, the crate's
got the measles or something?
You gotta be kidding.
Ain't no place in the security
business for kidding.
Just hold on there
a minute, chief.
Let me explain something to you.
We have to have that crate
in Texas in three days.
Hell, I suppose you
could take the crate.
Great.
But it's just that
you'll have to leave
what's in it here for three weeks.
As I told you, it's been
quarantined for three weeks.
Bo, would you keep your
hands to yourself?
Hurry up. The sun's coming up.
Creeping around in
a warehouse. We're
going to jail, that's
where we're going.
- I'm going home.
- Turn the damn light on.
- I ain't got the light.
- I got it.
Give me the light, would you?
- Find the number.
- I can't get...
Is burglary always this much fun?
Find the number on the crate.
I'm looking. There ain't no
numbers. Here's a number.
- "1442."
- All right. We're getting close.
Come on.
Wait, here. "1445." We're hot.
- Well, it's gotta be...
- Hey, here it is.
- "1443."
- Give me that.
"1443." "1445."
You see, 1444 should
be right here.
Bo?
- What?
- Shine the light up there.
"1444."
Oh, shit.
You mind telling me how come they
paint the number of our crate...
up here on the side
of the building?
Well, it's a crate
acting like a building.
I was afraid you
were gonna say that.
You wanna tell me
something? How we
gonna get that thing on the truck?
Have you seen the
size of this crate?
Yeah.
It's gonna take one
hell of a forklift.
Tell you right now, I won't
be able to keep up my end.
Enos said it would
fit in the truck.
The man's a chronic
liar. I'm alone.
- Listen, hold the light.
- Hold the light?
For goodness' sake.
It's just a crate.
Shamu.
Let's go check for the bones.
Probably broken every
bone in his body.
Hey, Bo?
Come on. Quite a ride, huh?
She caught me off
guard, or I would've
rode her the full ten seconds.
Bo, that was incredible. You saved
my life. It was totally unselfish.
It weren't nothing. I saw the
elephant coming for you...
so I jumped in front of you,
pulled you out of the way...
The elephant hurt her foot.
- Then the elephant what?
- I'm sorry.
Look. She hurt her foot.
Who gives a turkey about her foot?
I could've broke my back in there.
Sweetheart.
- You hurt her foot.
- I didn't.
You did.
All it was, was this
little splinter
which was stuck in her foot.
Easy, girl.
- Cute couple, aren't they?
- Yeah, they are.
Kind of reminds me of my Aunt
Charlotte. Smells like her, too.
How rude.
Now, Charlotte, don't you
listen to any of that.
Now that you've got a
hold of Charlotte...
I don't have a hold of
Charlotte. She's got hold of me.
Whatever. Why don't you
both mosey to the truck...
get on, we'll get out, and
won't get into trouble.
Let go of me, Charlotte.
Thank you.
- Open the door, Cledus.
- Okay. I'd like to see this.
I'm coming, too. I'm behind
the whole troop here.
Bringing up the rear, so to speak.
Move out. Move it out.
Come on, Charlotte.
Come on.
Steady.
Now, let's see here.
You got any ideas?
Well?
Sure. I could just tell
Charlotte to get in the truck.
- Good.
- Do that.
Charlotte, get in the truck.
Go on. Get in your house.
Come on. Get in your house.
Good girl. That's a girl.
How the heck are we ever
gonna get her out of there?
I'm just gonna tell
her to turn around.
He's just gonna talk a
little elephant there.
Charlotte, turn around. Come on.
Turn around, babe. Come on. Yeah.
I can turn them on, but
I can't turn them off.
Hi, Buford.
Hello, you handsome sumbitch.
Hi, Junior.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Shut up, you shit.
You barrel of monkey nuts.
Well, as you can see, Bandit...
I got my piece in my hand.
- You got your what in your hand?
- Don't get funny, Bandit.
If you make one move,
I'm gonna put a hole...
right between those
gorgeous brown eyes.
I don't think you're
that good a shot.
Are you kidding?
Do you realise that at one time...
I won the marksmanship
championship award...
from "Swollen Groin" Gatsell?
I don't believe you.
Do you see those three
lights over there?
Watch this.
That's pretty good shooting.
But I'd really be convinced...
if you could shoot that
weathervane over yonder.
That's a baby-piss shot.
That was good shooting.
I gotta admit that.
Of course, them targets
weren't moving. Now...
He's only got two more
shots. Give me the bottles.
- Give me your gun, Junior.
- Just to make you feel at home...
I'm gonna throw up a couple
of bottles of prune juice.
We're running with a crazy
man. You know that?
Are you convinced now?
I'm convinced that you is
out of bullets. Bye-bye.
Give me your gun.
Hang onto your ass,
Fred. Here we go again.
Why didn't you have
your gun loaded?
When I put bullets in it,
Daddy, it gets too heavy.
Shut your ass.
And that goes for
the two monks, too.
Do you see him anywhere?
No, but he'll be along,
just like death and taxes.
He didn't get away from
me. I let him escape.
You see, what I'm doing
is playing with him...
like a cat plays with a mouse.
The mouse jumps this way,
and I grab him with my paw.
The mouse jumps that way,
and I grab him with my paw.
And then finally,
I squash his ass.
- You're the Bandit, ain't you?
- Yeah.
You're early, cowboy.
This is just a practise.
Game isn't till tomorrow.
We're big fans and wanna get good
seats. You with the Dolphins?
No. I'm with the world
champion Pittsburgh Steelers.
- Bradshaw with you?
- Of course.
Coach doesn't let us go
anywhere without him.
Thanks a lot.
- Hi, Bandit, Frog.
- Hi, Terry.
- I need a favour.
- You always do.
You still got your
ranch in Shreveport?
You bet.
I don't have to tell
you who that is.
Buford T. Justice.
Could you hold him up for a while?
Be glad to.
- Hey, Joe.
- Yeah?
Tackle that car.
- Thanks, Terry.
- You owe me, Bandit.
Get out of there, you sumbitch...
or you gonna have a penalty
flag hanging out of your ass.
Really?
- Hey, Daddy, that's...
- Shut up.
I know how to handle
these bubble-butts.
If you don't get out of the way,
I'm gonna run right over you.
That's been tried before.
But your possibility for
success is extremely remote.
He's like all the other jocks:
big, but dumb as a stump.
I knew this would happen as soon
as they started that busing shit.
Snowman, are you back there, son?
My mirrors are empty...
and so is my fuel tank.
If we don't pull over and
get me some go-go juice...
we gonna be in a heap of trouble.
What do you think?
If you're telling me you're out
of gas, we are in deep shit.
Why didn't you fill up?
- See what I see?
- Yes.
My stars, what is that?
I can run over him, get
you an alligator bag.
I don't want one.
- How about a belt?
- No.
- Shoes?
- Nope.
Howdy.
You always this busy?
Hell, yes.
I had three cars and
a motor home, all
here at the same time, last April.
- You're kidding?
- Nope.
Of course, that was
Easter weekend.
Always picks up around then.
This kind of high-pressure
business will give you ulcers.
This place reminds
me of a roadhouse I
knew in Texas, called
Hamburger Dan's.
Ever hear of it?
Let's cut the shit and
get down to business.
- I ain't got all day.
- Yeah.
Got any diesel fuel?
If I had any more diesel fuel,
they'd make me join that OPEC.
I'll let you get back to work now.
I guess you want me
to pump it myself.
If you want any.
Snowman...
you're not gonna believe this.
You're gonna come up
on a sign that says:
"Diesel fuel. Last
chance. Turn left."
Roger. Got my 10 hung out in the
wind, looking for your sign.
By the way, when we
get there, do you
mind if we check on our passenger?
I ain't heard anything in a while.
Could be in a lot of trouble.
You grip?
- Damn, she ain't right.
- How's Charlotte?
I don't know anything
about elephants,
but something's
bothering the old girl.
I wish we could get
a hold of a vet.
Fat chance of that out here.
Hey, anybody in that crapper?
How does he know
whether she's sick?
I guess he felt her nose.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's just motion sickness...
What would you do without Snowman?
Why? What'd you do?
Remember seeing an
ambulance come by?
Is that what that was?
Inside that ambulance,
Miss Carrie...
Was a vet.
No, it was a doctor. But we might
get him to look at Charlotte.
- Do you reckon?
- I reckon.
- Howdy.
- Buon giorno.
- You a doctor?
- Not yet, but I'm working on it.
I got my green card.
My licence pending.
Salute. A la beautiful Donna.
- You're Italian?
- Natio.
My name is Dottore Frederico
Carlucci. But you can call me Doc.
Stay.
Swamp fever.
It's no catching.
In Italy we don't have.
You know what I know
about swamp fever?
What's your problem?
You know anything
about sick ladies?
Plenty. I was the leading
gynaecologist in Pompeii.
Population, 23.
Well, we have a lady who
we think is very sick.
She's back down here in the truck.
Would you mind looking at her?
Well, I'm...
Appreciate it. I
know you're eating.
I was just...
I know. We really
appreciate it, though.
Okay. Let me take a look.
Stay.
- Here we go.
- Get your bag.
Doctor, it's very nice of you to
take time out of your busy lunch.
Listen, when somebody's sick,
you gotta stop eating.
That's the Hypocritical Oath.
Doc, there's something we haven't
told you about this patient.
She's not the normal-size
patient. She's...
Big.
Big? Big don't make
no difference. I
got one customer,
Anna Maria Teresa.
We call her Two-Tonne Tessie.
She's built like a brick...
Please.
- Remember the Hypocritic Oath.
- The Hypocritic Oath.
- She's a sweet elephant. Come on.
- Very sweet.
No, please.
Mamma Mia. When you say
big, you no fool around.
She's bigger than Two-Tonne
Tessie. I tell the truth.
I was gonna take her
temperature, but I need this.
She's so nice. What a beauty.
- Then you can help her?
- No.
I told the truth. I'm
no elephant doctor.
I am the leading
gynaecologist in Pompeii.
She got teeth.
I tell...
give her 800 aspirin and
call me in the morning.
Doctor, can't you do
something to help her?
No, I really can't. I wish
I could, but I'm working.
I'm in that ambulance.
Wait. Bob.
My goodness, Bob. Wait for me.
You son of a... I'm in a swamp.
Bob.
Listen, Lone Ranger, can I
pop a ride with you guys?
Sure.
Thank you so much.
You going to Miami?
In a roundabout way. We're
gonna take the scenic route.
The scenic route. Beauty. Okay.
I look on... Charlotte.
Charlotte. Yes.
Show him the living
accommodations.
Appreciate it.
I'll get your bag.
If you no give me ride,
I'll be stuck here...
That a girl. In the house,
Charlotte. In the house.
That's it, in the house.
- In the house?
- In the house.
Okay. I gonna go.
Okay. It dark in here.
There's a light switch
over to your right, Doc.
Okay.
Now that we've got the medical
staff on board, let's haul ass.
One of these days, I'm gonna
write a book about you.
Open.
Okay. Good.
Hey, Daddy, look at that
big, ugly alligator.
That reminds me. I gotta
call your mama tonight.
You know, Daddy, I
like this place.
All the gators and
snakes and stuff.
Why don't we move down here?
Why don't you move down here?
No, Daddy. I ain't
never leaving home.
That's a promise.
Don't you ever threaten
your daddy like that again.
What's that, Daddy?
That must be one of those
new Japanese sports cars.
- Howdy.
- Swamp fever.
Swamp fever.
Swamp Fever?
Damned if I know where it is.
I'm new around here myself.
Help.
If I wasn't in high
pursuit, I'd have
that bum and his
Sukiyaki bicycle...
in the clink, for driving on
the wrong side of the road.
How about you, Bandit?
Got them ears on, son?
Yeah, Snowman. Come on back.
Look two doors behind you
and tell me what you see.
Damn. That son of a
bitch never gives up.
Yes, but if you'd like to see a
bit of heaven, turn around...
because Big Bulldog
Joe Klecko is driving
that Pete parked right
on your backdoor.
Right, Joe?
Hi, Joe.
Howdy, Bandit.
I'll leave this in your hands,
Snowman. We're coming around.
Roger. We'll break for that,
Big Bulldog Joe Klecko.
You got the Bulldog. Kick it back.
See if you can delay that County
Mountie at your backdoor.
10-4.
It's the Bandit.
Hey, you big piece of turkey dump.
Get that mess the
hell out of there.
You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you.
I'll see if I can get it in gear.
Wait a minute. Hold it.
Wait a minute.
You do that once again, and
I'm gonna take you apart...
piece by piece.
Badge is crooked, sir.
Much obliged.
Who was that, Daddy?
I don't know, but the
circus must be in town.
Hang on, Junior.
- Daddy, the bridge.
- I can make that easy.
- I tried to tell you, Daddy.
- Shut your ass.
- Now, get out and push.
- Daddy, I...
Get out and push.
Okay, but...
It looks like we've got
a decision to make.
Yeah, it does.
- Heads up, tails down.
- You got it.
This one's for you.
Would you look at that? They
love me in Ole Miss, too.
Hi.
Snowman, you got your ears on?
Anything happening with Charlotte?
Negatory.
Ain't much with
Charlotte. You don't
reckon the doc got
squashed, do you?
- Come on, ring my phone.
- We'll stop here.
Giving Doc a mercy
stop every 1,000
miles ain't asking
too much, is it?
But we're not gonna
make this a habit.
- You drive crazy.
- Is Charlotte all right?
She's okay, but I need air.
Give me a break.
- Where are we?
- On our way to Texas.
Texas? Is that near Miami?
- Her nose cold.
- It's very close to Miami.
Yes, that's good because
I gotta go to Miami.
You understand? I've got a lot of
patients there. I'm
no real doctor.
But I do operations on the side.
A lot of sick people need me.
It would be no good if I leave,
because I got the swamp fever...
a lot of them got a rash,
different things like that.
I tell you the
truth, they need me.
They gonna be fine.
Don't you worry.
Pardon me. All
right, take it easy.
I'll give her a nice
examination soon
as she gets her nose
out of my crotch.
We'll leave the
elephant on the truck.
Give her an examination
while we drive.
No, it's no good. No
room for the stirrup.
You don't understand.
We're in a big hurry.
Bo, it's a living creature.
That's right. She'll
mean very little to
us if we get to Texas
and she's dead.
All right, I'll bring her off.
Excuse me.
Snowman's always
had a heart. Cares
about something
other than himself.
Well, at least you aren't mad
at me. Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy, I got to pee-pee.
- Swallow it. I'm busy.
- But, Daddy, I got to go.
You're just like your mama.
Your mama can't
drive more than two
miles before she's
gotta take a squirt.
Hurry up. Give it a fast shake.
Well, what do you think?
She's something else, I tell you.
Okay, I gotta look down your
throat. Open. Say "Ahh."
For goodness' sake.
- What happened?
- My ring. Oh, geez.
I need a tongue depressor
about this big.
Daddy?
My zipper's stuck.
Get in the car, Junior.
- But, Daddy, my zipper's stuck.
- Get in the car, Junior.
Daddy, my fly's still open.
Let me tell you something, Junior.
If you ever embarrass
me like that again...
I'm gonna get an axe...
and you're never gonna have
to open your fly again.
He loves me. He loves himself.
He loves me. He loves himself.
- He loves me.
- Hi.
I brought you a present.
- You're kidding?
- No.
- Is it gonna blow up in my face?
- It's my record.
We only pressed 75 of them, but...
Well, I wanted you to have one.
You probably saw them
at the KMart, you know.
They gave them away to everybody
that bought anything
over 25 cents.
- I've still got 74 of them.
- I think it represents you well.
I mean, Frank Sinatra
sang My Way...
and you sing Let's Do Something
Cheap and Superficial.
Cruel.
Yeah, I know it.
When I'm around you, I don't
like the way I sound.
Probably the way I used to
act makes you act that way.
That's right.
Oh, God. Sometimes I hate
the way I sound around you.
Maybe it's because of the
way you used to treat me.
Hey, Frog, Bandit.
Charlotte's sick.
- Charlotte's sick. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
Sometimes I think you like that
elephant more than you do me.
Hang on to that thought.
Doctor, what's the matter with
Charlotte? She all right?
I think you're gonna be very
happy. Charlotte's fine...
and I hope the bambino fine, too.
- The what?
- The bambino. Baby.
- Did he say "baby"?
- He just said "baby."
Why did you say "baby"?
Because la signora
Charlotte is pregnant.
Gonna have a little baby elephant.
No, you gonna have a
big baby elephant.
- Who did it?
- Don't look at me.
Probably another elephant.
- I know that, but when?
- Long time ago.
- When is she gonna have the baby?
- Any days, any minutes.
Shit. What are we gonna do?
- We better keep our eyes peeled.
- For what?
For the biggest goddamn
stork you ever seen.
Big stork. With the...
- American joke, right?
- That's not funny.
We'll take this
elephant in the truck,
and we'll drive to
Dallas with her.
- Bo, pooh.
- What?
We're not gonna move
Charlotte anywhere.
Honey, you probably
don't realise this.
In Dallas, they have
the greatest elephant
doctors. Ain't that right, Cledus?
Why don't we ask this
doctor? What do you think?
You think we should we move
Charlotte or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby. She
no can be move for 24 hours.
- What?
- Make it 12.
I'll load her up right now. Come
on. We're running out of time.
- Bo.
- What?
What?
God, I've missed you.
I've missed you so.
It's a little hard to get
reacquainted going
110 miles an hour.
So what could be wrong
spending the night...
- under the stars together?
- Nothing.
- You mean, just you and I, alone?
- Together.
What's going on?
What's going on?
Well, I would say
that she's in love.
Of course, the fat ones
always did go for Bo.
She's jealous. Pregnant
ladies always act funny.
What am I gonna do?
It's important not to upset
her. She's got to be very calm.
Keep her calm.
Get her nice and calm. Then
later tonight, you and I...
- Later on, I'll...
- Yeah.
Later on, I'll meet
you. Okay? Later on.
Yeah. I'll keep the blankets
warm. Just keep her calm.
Charlotte, look. This isn't
gonna work out because...
physically we're not the
right size for each other.
You know what I mean?
Well, Fred...
looks like somebody up
there must like us, boy.
Hey, Bandit, I ain't seen
a smokey now for hours.
Looks like we got
it clean and green
all the way to Louisiana patch.
- What do you think? Come on.
- Knock on wood, son.
You know what I'll do with
my share of the money?
Cute.
I'm gonna get my wife and kids
something they always wanted.
I'm gonna send them
on a trip to Hawaii.
Snowman, you're so crazy
about your family?
Are you crazy or something?
I ain't going with them.
Break for the Bandit.
Guess who just snuck around my
backdoor and is knocking on yours?
Hello, Buford.
Hello, you big lollipop.
Guess who's driving right
up your alimentary canal?
Elementary is about as far as you
got in school, isn't it, son?
Tell you what. As long as we're
talking about elementary school...
why don't we play Follow
the Leader, bumble-butt?
Well, I'll follow, but you
certainly ain't my leader.
Come on, fat boy.
Daddy, I like to play
Follow the Leader.
Shut up, you shit.
I hate to tell you
this, but you're going
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Turn left here, Daddy.
Hold it. Wait.
That's easy for you to say.
Straight ahead, Daddy.
We're closed.
Make another right, Daddy.
Oh, boy. A roller coaster.
Turn left right here, Daddy.
- Damn, I love amusement parks.
- You are an amusement park.
Now turn right and
we'll be in the clear.
- A thrill a minute.
- That's about how long it lasts.
That was below the belt.
"Make a left turn, Daddy.
"Make a right turn, Daddy.
We'll be in the clear."
You moose twit.
Bye-bye, baby
Sir, I am the owner of this...
Of this mess, and...
What are you trying to tell
me? I'm in hot pursuit.
I would like to say
just one thing.
We're closed.
Get in the car, Junior. We're
surrounded by a mental case.
That's correct, Sheriff Justice.
The Bandit just entered Louisiana.
You're here at a
monumental moment.
I'm gonna call my kin for help.
I'm calling my brother Reggie...
and I'm calling my
brother Gaylord.
They've been in law enforcement
for over 20 years.
Get me Quebec, Canada,
on the phone.
- Canada?
- Yes, up north.
- How much I owe you, my man?
- $24.
You take a personal check?
Just making a joke. $24, huh?
Here you go. $25, keep the change.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
You wouldn't be the guy they
call the Bandit, would you?
- The one and only.
- Bandit.
Now that you've graced my humble
establishment, I'll take
this opportunity...
- to tell you something.
- Go right ahead.
If I was making a
list of the great
assholes of the 20th century...
you'd be in the top five.
Hey, wait a minute.
Bo, even Bambi has
enemies. Let's go.
Listen. Let me tell
you something. I'm
practically an American folk hero.
Ask some of my fans. To
know me is to love me.
You know, I just made a
correction on my list.
- Yeah?
- You're in the top two assholes.
How about I give you my poster?
Me in the Trans-Am going
up the World Trade Centre.
Buzz off. I'm busy.
God damn it. I'm one
of the most beloved
grassroot folk heroes of America.
Hey. Get out of here, you weirdo.
Listen to me. Little kids love me.
Parents love me.
Everybody loves me.
Come on out here and love me, or
I'll kick your little skinny ass.
Excuse me. Hi. How are
you? Good to see you.
Get a hold of yourself. You're not
exactly baseball and
mum's apple pie.
The man has a right
to his opinion.
Who does he think he is?
You ought to ask yourself that
question. Have a nice day.
I'm telling you, people love me.
What's wrong?
We got a problem. Talk to the doc.
What's the matter, Doc?
She no can go. She gonna
start the labour.
Maybe we need to get
her off her feet.
Exactly. That's the problem.
In there she bounce
around. Too much danger.
She just wants a little
attention, that's all.
We'll load her on the truck and
get going. Come on, let's go.
Of course, we load her up
on the truck and let's go.
La signora Charlotte can
do anything she wants.
Put her on the truck.
Sure, take the
baby and go bada bing, bada bong.
It don't make no
difference to you...
Lone Ranger of the United
States of America.
I tell one thing, I no
gonna be responsible.
What's the matter? Don't
you understand English?
He said you can't be bouncing her
around. She's gonna have a baby.
Don't you understand $400,000?
This is the last chance we're
ever gonna have. $400,000.
I understand, and I'd like to
have my share of the $400,000.
But I ain't gonna kill
an elephant to get it.
Bo, it isn't the money, is it?
You want to make this last run
so you can be famous again.
Be the old Bandit, come driving
in there and be everybody's hero?
I know you. You don't want to
hurt this elephant. I know you.
I don't want to hurt the
elephant. I really don't.
It's just maybe my last
chance to be somebody.
Bo, everybody is somebody.
Yeah.
Hey, we were just thinking.
Maybe we have been working
too hard, you reckon?
We'll go into town, have
some wine, women, and song.
A little pasta fagioli.
- This your elephant?
- Yeah. Who's that?
You live around here, kid?
Across the track,
on the good side.
- What's your name?
- My name is Anthony T. Townes.
My name is Bandit Darville.
- I guess you've heard of me, huh?
- Nope.
Well, I'm kind of famous.
- Rich?
- I'm working on it.
How would you like to
watch him for a while?
You won't believe this,
but I'm very busy.
- Oh, yeah?
- But I could be persuaded.
Tell me, how much does
the elephant weigh?
The elephant weighs about
four and a half tons.
Could you pay me by the pound?
Cute, isn't he? Cute.
What kind of music you
got here in town?
Rhythm and blues.
Rhythm and blues? Wow.
- How do you like Country?
- Country sucks.
He hates Country. Isn't there
anybody in town sings Country?
There's this cat,
name of Don Williams.
My second favourite singer in the
whole world is Don Williams.
We'll go to town,
listen to Don Williams
and be back. You
watch this elephant.
If anything happens
to the elephant...
I know. You're gonna
feed me to him.
You know, Daddy, I don't think
the Bandit's really bad.
I think the trouble is he just
got in with real bad company.
Bad company?
Let me tell you something, Junior.
When you raid a cathouse, you
take the piano player, too.
Thank you. Folks, I'd like
for you all to know...
that we have an honest-to-goodness
celebrity with us here tonight.
Some folks might hate him...
but I know there's a bunch
of us that really love him.
You all welcome the world's
biggest show-off, the Bandit.
I think I know how you
feel about things, Bandit.
I'd like to dedicate my new
song to both of you all.
What are you doing?
I was writing a little
poem about you.
- Can I see?
- I'll show it to you.
Okay.
The doc said we gotta take the
weight off Charlotte's legs.
So, I figured out
if I built this net
and took the weight
off her legs...
that we could just tool on
down the road to Dallas.
Fine.
Hey.
- Where you going?
- New York.
- Why?
- Because you're not there.
What's the matter with you?
You punch your friend,
yell at the doctor
who looks like the
Pillsbury Doughboy...
play hootchy-koo
with me, and all the
time you're trying to
make this run work.
I'm not trying to figure it out. I
figured out how to make it work.
And I'm gonna make this run work.
That is it for you.
You have had it. You're
hooked. You're a fame junkie.
They should give you
intravenous feedings...
of People magazine and
National Enquirer headlines.
And if you're a real
good boy, they'll
give you a Tonight Show enema.
What is the matter?
If you weren't so dumb,
they'd put you on Cross-Wits.
What is the matter with you?
You know what?
When I first met you, I think
you really liked yourself.
I liked you.
And you did what you did best.
What, show off?
Yeah. You did it so
good, you got famous.
Then you had to do
more and more until
you were doing what
you didn't do best.
And now I don't think
you even have any fun.
I'm not having any fun right now.
Neither am I.
I hope you like yourself someday.
Goodbye.
You know, Charlotte...
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
I don't wanna see
you start drinking
either. It's not a
good thing to do.
I'm weak. I admit it.
I'm a weak person. I
need other people.
Don't turn your back on me.
I need you.
I need somebody to care about me.
Not that much.
Look, I came up with this thing.
You think this was a good idea?
Look. I got your legs up off
the floor and everything.
- What do you say, guys?
- Bo, you're drunk.
- Is it gonna work, Doc?
- Yes, Lone Ranger, it'll work.
- Good thinking.
- Thanks, Kemo Sabe.
- Okay, let's get rolling.
- Come on. I help you down.
Okay.
- What about the bottle, Bo?
- What about it?
Daddy, I can't wait to meet
Uncle Gaylord and Uncle Reggie.
Bandit, I hate to upset your
stomach by mentioning this name...
but do you realise it's been a few
miles since we've seen Buford T.?
I don't miss him.
That's nice.
Where the hell are they?
They should be here by now.
Hello, Buford, you old sugar.
Is that you, Gaylord?
You bet your little
bellybutton it is.
Did you bring the troops with you?
I sure did.
Well, that's fine. Now,
where the hell is Reggie?
I think I hear him coming now.
Sergeant Reginald Van
Justice reporting for duty.
Well, ain't that nice? But
have you got the men with you?
They're in position and
stand at the ready.
Say, you know something?
This is the first time in 20
years we've all been together.
- Why don't we all take a picture?
- That's a good idea.
Junior, get the camera
out of the car.
Come on, P.T.
Everybody ready?
- Say cheese, Ramona.
- Let's go.
That's it.
All right, men. Let's
mount up and cut out.
Son, if we keep humping all night,
we'll be in Dallas by morning.
We're finally in Texas.
Hey, Bandit, we got you-know-who
on my backdoor one more time.
Say, Bandit, if you make a left
turn on this next dirt road...
then your ass is gonna be
grass, and I'm gonna mow it.
You ought to put some Preparation
H on your lips, Buford...
cause you're talking out
of your you-know-what.
This is the left,
Bandit. Now, are you
gonna take that challenge or not?
Come on, fat boy.
Snowman, keep on hoofing
it down the road.
Buford thinks he's
suckering me into
something, but it
ain't gonna happen.
We're both going out
into this desert,
but only one of us is coming back.
You hear that, Buford?
Are you ready, Gaylord?
We are ready with charge akimbo.
Are you ready, Reggie?
We are prepared for combat.
And are you ready, Bandit?
I was born ready, lard ass.
Just take a little
look up to your right.
Now, take a little
look up to your left.
Now, take a look behind you.
I'm about to crush your walnuts.
I'm about to get my
walnuts outta here.
Let's roll them.
Snowman, I got me some
serious trouble here, son.
And I ain't kidding this time.
I got wall-to-wall County
Mounties and Mountie Mounties.
Maybe a hundred of them. This
may be more than I can handle.
Listen to me, and you listen
good. Make the delivery.
You just hang on. We'll
be there in a minute.
Do as I say. Deliver
them goddamn goods.
I'll catch up with you later.
You know what you're
talking about.
But just in case you
don't, Snowman's
gonna be standing by. Roger.
Come on, Trigger. Don't
let me down now.
Buford, I hope you got
group insurance...
because I'm about to spread some
iron all over this goddamn desert.
Don't worry about that. I got
my whole ass in good hands.
King Kong ain't got
hands that big.
Snowman, you damn fool. I told you
to haul ass and get outta here.
And I told you that when we set
out to do a job together...
we do it together. Roger.
I don't care about
your skinny little
ass, but what about Charlotte?
Don't worry about her.
They got a ringside seat.
Tell me, how many
trucks do you see?
I see one, unless
I've been drinking.
Hey, boys. Do it to it.
Then I must be
commode-hanging drunk...
because I swear I see
a ton of trucks.
- Hey, Daddy, what's that?
- Holy shit.
Welcome to the world's biggest
game of chicken, boys.
Shit.
Hang on, boys. The army's coming.
This is the Plowboy. I
got me one lined up.
Excuse me, sir. Your
ass is on fire.
Bet you'll be glad to get back to
Canada and stick it in the snow.
Not bad driving for a
couple of Mounties.
Yeah, but look up ahead.
- Seminole, you got your ears on?
- I copy.
I want you to dump that
boy in the garbage.
That's exactly what I
had in mind, Bandit.
- Hey, Roadrunner, you hungry?
- Why do you ask?
Just move towards me. We'll
have us a Mountie sandwich.
Brake for that, short boy.
You're too old to play in the hay.
Now that we've got them,
what will we do with them?
Hell, there's a parking
lot right here.
Three out of four ain't
bad. Where you taking them?
- How about the dump?
- Good thinking.
Junior, the way things look...
I'm beginning to be
deeply concerned.
Fred, this one's for you, my boy.
Look out, Junior.
- Are you all right, Junior?
- Yeah.
You would be, you shit.
Way to go. Take it to him, son.
Whoa.
How do you like that, turkey shit?
Snowman, I've had about as much
fun as I can handle for one day.
How about showing me
the way outta here?
All right. Roger. Jump
on my tailgate, Bandit.
I know where the front
door's located.
Look at that pile of cars, Daddy.
Looks like they bombed
a drive-in movie.
He don't know it,
but he's going down
a dead-end road, that dumb dickey.
Look, Daddy. Uncle Gaylord and
Uncle Reggie are right behind us.
I got him boxed in like
a turtle's pecker.
There's a gully on
the right and on the
left and a mountain
in front of me.
You want to tell me about
that front door again?
Hey, brother truckers,
the Bandit's worried.
He wants to get out of here.
Are you ready? Hello.
Fred, don't look.
He ain't the only daredevil.
You guys give great bridge.
That was beautiful,
drivers. I owe you one.
Good numbers to you
and the Bandit.
Say roger, Fred.
You're not getting
away from me, Bandit.
And I'm still in hot pursuit.
I copy that, Buford. But I hear
your pursuit ain't that hot.
Give me your handkerchief.
- What?
- Give me your handkerchief.
- What is it?
- A little fly shit.
Daddy, look out.
- Daddy?
- Shut up, Junior. I'm thinking.
What are you thinking about?
Retiring.
Snowman, how's your patient?
She ain't doing too good.
Doc says she's in labour.
Bo, I ain't asking
you. I'm begging you.
There's a place here.
Let's pull over.
- 10-4.
- Attaboy.
It's one of those
guys from the park.
Pay him off. Get him outta here.
Please, get my bag. Hurry up.
Bring my bag.
What the hell's going on here?
- We're having a baby.
- This is a wildlife preserve.
What better place to have a baby
elephant than a wildlife preserve?
- You get your elephant...
- $100.
- You get your people...
- $200.
And you get the hell out of here.
$300.
- $400.
- You're right.
What better place to have a baby
elephant than in a
wildlife preserve?
What a putz.
Snowflake, Bandito.
Hey, cowboy. Look, Lone Ranger.
It's a boy. First
I seen the trunk.
All right, we've got six hours.
Let's cut the Bambi shit. Load
her on the truck and get going.
No. Lone Ranger, no can be.
The bambino troppo delicate. It
cannot be removed from the mama.
All right, we'll take
the mama and the baby.
We'll put them both on the
truck and go to Dallas.
When you give birth to a
200-pound elephant...
you don't wanna go for a
ride. You wanna go...
- She's strong as an ox.
- She is strong.
She gotta wait till she
strong like an elephant.
Bo, I know how much
you need the money.
Who doesn't need the money?
But let's don't do it this
way. It ain't decent.
If you're through preaching,
Reverend, we're moving out.
No, I ain't going.
And you ain't going either.
You just let your alligator mouth
overload your jaybird ass.
Doc, I thought I loved
him too much to do that.
I guess not.
You know I can take your
head off, don't you?
And you know that's exactly
what you're gonna have to do.
What is the matter with you two
idiots? You act like she's human.
I'm sorry.
I like myself now, Carrie.
I found out there's something
more important than me.
I found out there's nothing
more important than us.
I didn't take Charlotte to Dallas.
- You didn't?
- No.
- What about Big Enos?
- Let him get his own date.
- What about the money?
- I blew it.
We still can make it.
- We?
- Give me a chance.
- Have you got over $1?
- Yeah.
- Cash?
- Yeah.
That's enough.
You know what? We're
gonna have a problem.
Charlotte's gonna
be awfully jealous.
I want to show you something.
Charlotte had her baby.
You're a wonderful person.
Charlotte. Look what you did.
Hi, guys.
Look at the baby. Charlotte,
what a good girl you are.
Charlotte, is it all right
if Frog and I get hitched?
You see? It's better than the Good
Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Well, Bo, what do we do now?
I think we ought to go back to
doing what I do best, show off.
That's a 10-4, good buddies.
- Shut up and get in the truck.
- Okay.
You're not getting
away from me, Bandit.
I'll chase you in hot pursuit
to the ends of the earth.
You sumbitch.
I guess we'll go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
When do we get started?
- When do we get started?
- That's my line.
- You say, "Whenever you like."
- Whenever you like.
Keep it rolling.
This is good stuff.
I like this.
I'll tell you what. We're gonna go
in town, we're gonna listen to...
Let's do that again. I'm screwing
up. You keep it rolling.
He's doing great.
I'm... Here we go.
You didn't waste any time
dilly-dallying around...
with other people when...
I'm gonna pick that up
again. I got it. It's okay.
Damn, that son of a
bitch never gives up.
That's right. Now what do I say?
- 71, take two.
- 71, take two, camera B.
Oh, my clicker won't work.
Marker.
Tell Gregory Peck
that he needs to do
this for me. I forgot the... line.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
I am holding up my endorsement...
until one or the
other of you can...
I'm what you call your
household legend.
Your basic legend.
Your basic famous.
I'll just say that line again.
Get in the truck.
I'll tell her again.
Get in the truck.
Charlotte. Hop in the truck.
Hop.
- In the house.
- Don't push the truck.
In the house, Charlotte.
You're pushing the
truck to Georgia.
Come on.
That's right, you old fart.
Go the wrong way. This way.
- Here we go. Pick it up.
- Hold it. Steady.
If I was Clint Eastwood,
you'd say, "Pick Clint up."
Doctor, why don't we just
keep driving to Texas...
and you give her an
examination up in the truck?
Oh, Jesus. I'm missing
my wife so bad.
Do you wanna... him while
we got him down here?
I was the leading
gynaecologist in Pompeii.
Snowman. I've had
about it all's...
You dumb Indian.
Fred, just relax, son.
It ain't nearly as
bad as it looks.
Get up in there, you
son of a bitch.
Get in there, you
silly son of a bitch.
- You got any diesel fuel?
- If I had any more diesel fuel...
I'd have to join that APEC, OPEC.
I'll give it to you again.
Do you realise I won the
marksmanship award?
Your father's ass.
Longer than three months
and your mother's ass.
But shorter than three years.
Sure, put her in the truck.
Bounce the "Raby" around.
Don't make no difference.
Put her in the truck.
Bounce the "Raby" around...
Your mother's ass.
Sure, la signora Charlotte
can do anything she wants.
Put her in the truck.
Bounce the "Raby"...
- Your mother's ass.
- Keep it rolling.
This lady gonna have a baby...
and not gonna be moved for 24...
Cut it.
I think we should ask this doctor.
Do you think we should move
Charlotte or let her rest or what?
I can't stand it. I'm sorry.
Okay. Come on.
Now.
Well, why don't we ask
this doctor here?
Do you think we should move
Charlotte or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby...
- Cut it.
- All right. Save it.
We'll start doing what I
do best. We'll show off.
- When do we get started?
- Whenever you like.
Is now too soon?
No.
It's all shit. Let's
print the first one.