Sister Mary (2011) - full transcript

What have you done?

Aah!

Your hair is just amazing.

Thank you.

Get a room you two.

Oh my gosh. Jealous.

First of all, it's not a room.

It's a penthouse apartment.

Then why don't you save it
for when you get there?

It's not our fault
you're the only one

without a boyfriend in ECB,



O fearless leader.

Go greet our fans.

You'll have a boyfriend
soon enough.

Only he might need
a cane or a wheelchair.

That's all right.
Joel likes the older types.

Guess you could say
they grew on him.

Or clamped.

Hope you had your fun, girls.

Now don't stay up
too late tonight.

We have practice early tomorrow.

Early? It's at noon.

That's early.

Not if you're up all night.

Slut.



Hi.

That was a hot performance.

Thanks.

Interested in an encore?

Absolutely.

Ahh! Ahh!

You said you'd warn me.

Sorry.

Your turn.

Not in my performance contract.

Are you kidding me?

Bye now.

You're such a prick.

Yeah, and you liked
that prick, didn't you?

Hold onto that memory.

It's the best
you're ever gonna have.

Ta-ta.

Wasn't born yesterday.

Klutz.

You tempter.

I already told you...

expectation of reciprocation
leads to devastation.

If a man also lie with mankind,

as he lieth with a woman,

both of them have committed
an abomination.

Stop it!

They shall surely
be put to death.

Their blood shall be upon them.

You don't see that every day.

This is nothing. You should
see his buddy over here.

You ready for this one?

You bet, Em.

You gonna give
a medal to the killer
when you find him?

Oh, you ain't kidding.

Jesus H. Christ
on a popsicle stick!

Why the hell did it
have to be a choir boy?

That's a black eye for sure.

- What?
- Mayor Dun on line 13.

Tell him I'm at the dentist.

I do mean it.

Of course you do.
And I love you too.

I do mean that I don't
love you anymore.

Yes, you do.

- Do not.
- Do do.

- My God, he loves you.
- I want you to leave.

- You do not.
- Hey, Chief?

- I do.
- Oh, come on!

He's right there
on the 3 yard line!

Whatta you want?

Uh, you told me to let you
know when Mark Rima's here?

Well, go have him come in!

Okay.

You do love me.

I do not love you anymore.

I just want you to...

If lust is all that I can get,

I suppose I'll take it.

I just want you to leave.

Didn't he leave

with some random guy last night?

What?

Hey, Chief needs you
in the office.

All right.

Was she wearing a habit?

- Yeah, yeah.
- She was?

I'll go for now, Ellen.

- But you'll come back to me.
- Don't do it, Ellen.

- I know you will.
- I will?

I knew it.

Touchdown.

- I want off the case.
- No can do.

Chief, I got a full case load.

What about the midget
double murders?

Well, actually, uh, doesn't
a midget double murder

only count as like one
full-size murder?

Chief.

Just kidding.

I already gave it
to Detective Pint.

The CO2 case?

I gave that to Detective Flatus.

I am off of this case.

Why you being such a little
bitch about this?

Something about this case
bothering you?

As a matter of fact, yes.

I don't want to be in
the company of those people.

Those peop...

Oh.

Oh, you mean queers.

Oh, you're really not gonna
like your new partner, then.

My new...

Hey! Detective Riant.

Ramm.

Ooh, so early in the morning?

No. Sergeant Ramm.

Oh, okay.

And who are you?

Joel Davidson.

Joel Davidson.
Oh, oh, and who are you?

I'm James Billet.

- Ohh!
- Hi.

Fill it, Billet.

- Careful now.
- And you?

What's your name?

Matt.

Oh, hey, Matt.

Ohh, that one's feisty.

Bringing them in overseas,
hmm? I like that.

Very funny, Chief.
You missed April Fools Day

by a couple of months.

It's funny, but it's
no April Fools joke.

That's your new partner.

That's Detective Chris Riant.

No.

Yes. He's on loan from LAPD.

We felt it would be nice

to have one of "those people"
on the case, y'know?

Makes us look sympathetic
and all that.

Be a real feather in our hat.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Hello!

Chief Bathos?

Please, just call me Homer.

Homo? Oh! Just joking.

Self-projecting again.

My therapist says
I shouldn't do that.

Who's the guy with
the rod up his ass?

The guy with the rod up his ass

is your new partner,
Detective Mark Rima.

Sorry. There must be
some sort of mistake.

I was told my partner was
going to be Detective Rimmed.

It's okay to laugh.

Your portrait artist won't
lose his spot, partner.

Stop calling me that.

What? Partner?

But that's what we are...
partners.

Well, as chief,

I hereby pronounce
you two partners.

Now get out of my office
and go find this killer

and solve the case for me.

I have some important
work to do.

But I just sat down.
Oh, okay.

Does he know about us?

Not yet.

So what's first
on the agenda, partner?

Interviewing
the victim's band mates.

Uh... you know,
I'll take that one.

Oh, I bet you will.

- And I'll take...
- Tell me exactly...

...that one and that one.

That's enough, Detective Riant.

Not in this lifetime.

I'm Detective Mark Rima.

Joel Davidson.

Come with me.

Shut it, Riant.

Nothing unusual about
the crowd that night.

Maybe according
to your standards.

Well, except in the crowd
and after the show,

I saw a nun.

She was watching
Ron and his friend

- as they went into the alley.
- A friend?

A friend is someone
you have over to a barbecue,

share a beer with,
tell a dirty joke to.

A friend isn't someone
you go into an alley

and... ahem... with a friend.

Some of us do.

Do you have a problem
with me, Detective Rima?

I just might.

So what about the nun?

Oh I'll find your nun.

She may have witnessed
something.

- She also might have...
- Don't be sacrilegious.

How could you even think that?

But then again,
your mind is probably capable

of all kinds of depravity.
Your kind of mind.

Do you have a girlfriend, Mark?

That's Detective Rima to you.

And get on with your story.

That's all that there
really is to it.

After I saw the nun,

I got in my car and drove home.

Ron was always
doing stuff like that.

I was always worried
about him getting the disease,

but nothing could stop Ron

from getting as much tail
as he could.

You'd think after a while
he'd get sick of it,

but the only thing
he got sick of

was being with
the same guy twice.

Why'd you kill him?
Were you jealous?

Were you stalking him?

Did you put a spycam
in his toilet?

Did you watch him
take a shit, you sick fuck?

Whoa, whoa. What the hell
is going on here, Mark?

He did it.
He killed his jilted lover.

He was watching him do
number 2 and spanking it.

- He confessed to this?
- No, and no.

Well, not exactly.

Mark.

Settle down, okay?

Listen, we all make mistakes.

Just next time, make sure
you get your facts straight

before you go putting some
perp's face through the wall!

Yeah.
Sorry about that, Chief.

It's okay.

What did you find out from him?

Well, he did mention
something about a nun,

- about seeing a nun.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Maybe we oughta find her.

- Don't I know it.
- She might've seen something.

- Uh-huh.
- I'd like to make a complaint.

- Don't.
- Hold your horses.

- Sergeant Ramm!
- Yeah, Chief?

Got a complainer here.

You really don't
want to do this.

Oh, yes, I do.

Let's go.

Ramm, take it easy on him.

Hey, I mean it.

Hey, come on, let's go see

if your partner got anything
out of his perp.

What's with the partner crap?

Cut it. Co-worker, please.

What's wrong with partner?
He's your partner.

You didn't have any problems

calling your last
partner "partner."

Of course, he wasn't
your lifetime partner.

Enough.

You know, you can
make it legal in Iowa.

Whoa!

Jesus Marie!

Oh. Ahem.

Sorry. Bit of a tangent.

Well, more than a bit.

- Behave.
- And if I don't?

Enough. Enough.

Homer, I want you to boot him
right back to L.A.

This kind of unprofessional
behavior

just cannot be tolerated.

Unprofessional behavior?

Need I remind you of the scene
I just walked in on

with you and your witness?

Oh, What scene was that?

Never mind.

All right, uh,

you finish your, uh,
interview here,

and whenever you're done,

I'm gonna have you and Mark
head on over to the church

and interview some clergy.

Some spiritual counseling?

Suspects.

Carry on.

Crazy kids.

I don't know how you can
be so flippant about it.

Don't get your panties
in a bunch.

Yoo-hoo! Hottie Patottie!
Yeah, Daddy.

Jesus, can you stop being
obnoxious for one second?

No.

Where are we going to now,
partner?

We're going over to that church
over by that, ahem, bar.

Ohh, the "ahem" bar.

Well, I've heard
of all kinds of bars.

I've heard of gay bars
and bi bars and dyke bars

and tranny bars and leather bars
and tether bars,

but I've never heard
of a "ahem" bar.

Is that your kind of bar?

Weird place
for a church, though.

Actually, the bar
picked that location

because of the church.

Behind the church is an alley.

It's called Snow Alley,
and it's called that

not because of the coke deals

but let's just say
if you were barefoot

and had cuts on your feet,

you wouldn't want
to run through there

unless you wanted
to catch the, ahem, virus.

Oh, You certainly have a lot
of phlegm in your throat.

Might want to try
a certain protein coating.

It might do you good.

Homosexuality is an abomination!

- Woe to the whores of Babylon.
- See? Look at that guy.

- He's got the right idea.
- You hypocrite.

- Oh, really?
- Go fuck yourself!

Repent.

Repent!

- I bet you 20 bucks he's...
- You're on.

...shall not
inherit the earth.

Repent, sinner!

It ain't over yet.

Those shall not lie with mankind
as with womankind.

They shall be put to death!

The blood shall be upon them!

No way.

Pay the piper.

No, he's probably
just going back there

to preach at him, that's all.

Preach.

Jesus. Twice in one day.

That's mighty unusual pulpit
he's preaching from.

Maybe he's taking communion.
You know, putting some...

Not listening, not listening.

If I could have everyone's
attention, please.

I'm sure each and every one
of us is deeply saddened

by the loss of that
exceptional young man.

And although he embraced
a life of sin

and is likely roasting
in hell as we speak,

nonetheless had many years
in front of him...

And many priests behind him.

...and there was
always a chance

he might have returned
to a path of righteousness.

Ahem.

He does that a lot. Phlegm.

Father O'Bleary,
can we just get on with it?

Yes, sorry. Anyway,

these two officers to my right,

Detectives Rima and Riant,

are here to enquire about the
death of that poor young man.

I have promised
our full cooperation

and fervently hope
that we can assist

in the apprehension
of this vile perpetrator,

this murderer.

Okay, we've got a lot
to accomplish here

and little time to do it in.

So let's just get
right down to it.

If what I'm about to say

is going to disturb your
delicate sensibilities,

well, tough shit.

What I need

is I need the gay priests
on the right

and the straight ones
on the left.

Well, chop-chop people.
I don't have all day.

Okay, okay.

This is a Catholic church,
right?

Well, I have 20/20 gaydar.

Let's try this again.

Bisexuality doesn't count here.

You're gonna
have to pick a side.

Eunuch.

Sorry. You're excused.

That's what I thought.

Much better.

Not funny.

Not joking.

Can you behave yourself
this time?

Can you?

Jealous.

So, on May 31st,

you were nowhere near Anointed.

You say you were at home, huh?

Yes, I was.

Mm-hmm. Is anybody there...

So did you know
the deceased at all?

Yes, I did.

How... closely did you
know the deceased?

He was... He was a friend.

Oh, a friend.

- So we're right here...
- What sort of friend?

...a hundred feet away
from Anointed,

and you've never been there.

I've never been there.

You have never been to Anointed.

I've never heard of it before.

You've never heard of it at all?

I've never heard of it ever.

Where were you May 31st?

I was in Hammond, Indiana.

Hammond Indiana?

How close were you
to the deceased?

I didn't know him that well.

- Oh.
- We weren't really close.

You weren't that close.

Were you anywhere near Anointed?

I think you were.
I think you were there.

No, no.
You've got the wrong person.

I don't think
I've got the wrong person.

So did you know
the deceased at all?

A little bit.

This is a mighty big cross
you have there, sir.

Thank you?

How well did you
know the deceased?

Have you ever been to Anointed?

Oh no.

How about the priests under you?

Have they been to Anointed?

Oh, no, no, no.

How would you know?

Do you watch them 24/7?

Where were you May 31st?

Just because the Lord
tests me and my brothers

with certain leanings

doesn't mean we stray
from the path of the Lord.

I was here that night.

I was working late on my
sermon for the next day.

I was thinking to myself,
How do I reach my flock?

How do I touch the souls
of me children... His children?

I was thinking also

that the church needs
some new silverware,

new leather upholstery
for the pews,

and the stained glass
needed some buffing.

You monster!
Give me one good reason

I shouldn't blow
your brains out right now

and save the taxpayers
some money.

I don't know what you're
talking about!

I'm talking about
you're under arrest

for the double murder
of Ron Lancing

and the other dude, whatever
the fuck his name was.

I didn't do anything.

Get up, you scumbag.

This is outrageous!

Have you seen Detective Riant?

Hold on a second.

Let me just spit this out.

Get Bathos on the line.
I've got our killer.

He killed whats-his-name.

What was that other guy's name?

Some back alley slut.

Not saying I disapprove
or anything.

Father O'Bleary here
killed the man-ho,

and then he cornered
Ron Lancing.

This is outrageous.

None of this is true.

You shut your pie hole.

Can we hurry this up
a little bit, please?

He cornered Lancing,
tied him up, whipped him,

made him dance with him,

put peanut butter
on his body, and...

- Did he stone him to death?
- Yes.

- Well, do you admit this?
- Absolutely not.

You have evidence
this time, don't you?

- I will.
- Good enough for me.

All right, book him.

I demand to see my lawyer.

Uh, Sergeant Ramm?

I wouldn't have done that
if I were you.

We have a request
for an attorney here.

- Take care of that.
- You got it.

I was such a fool.

Come on, Ellen, come on.

Can you ever forgive me?

Yeah, hi. Daily Smear?

This is Chief Bathos.

Will you give me Urich, please?

Yeah, I have something for him.

Or yes that you forgive me?

- Ellen, don't...
- Yes.

Come on, Ellen. No, don't...

Oh, Urich? Yeah, hey, hey.

Say, listen, we've...

Don't believe a word
of what he's saying.

He's lied to you before.

No, no, no, not you, Urich.

Um, yes. We have ID'd
the killer. Absolutely.

Yes, it's Father O'Bleary
of St. Gemini Church

over on Binary.

And he...

Don't listen.

Don't listen to...

Ellen, how many times...

Oh. No, no, I'm sorry.

Okay, Urich, just put that
in tonight's paper, okay?

Yeah, thank you. Bye.

Ellen, no, you stupid...

Yeah, Chief?

Say, will you call
the Mayor's office?

Let him know
we caught the killer.

And I'm gonna be tied up
in, uh, meetings

for a couple hours, at least.

And I'm so very grateful
that we all are so happy.

Ellen, come on.

Ellen, no.

How many times
you gotta go through this?

Hello?

Yeah, it's, uh, Detective Rima.

What do you want?

Yeah, well, I wanted
to apologize for earlier.

Yeah. You should apologize.

Does that mean
you accept my apologies?

I never said that.

But I might be persuaded
over time.

We caught your buddies' killer.

Who was it?

Father O'Bleary
over at St. Gemini.

I am not surprised.

They're all a bunch
of perverts down there.

Do you have hard evidence,

or is this another one
of your hunches?

I'm sorry for the loss
of your friend.

Thanks.

And thank you for the update.

I appreciate it.

Talk to you later?

I uh, have another show
tomorrow if you're...

Goodbye.

Oh, he's saying goodbye,

but he's screaming
inside "screw me."

I don't appreciate
your comments or you.

Oh, Detective Rima
doesn't approve of me.

Someone call my therapist.

Well, now that the case is over,

I guess you'll be
going back to L.A.

Oh, I don't know.
I kind of like it here.

L.A. is so...

used.

Here it's so closeted.

So much virgin territory
to conquer.

I don't care. Stay. Go.

You won't be my partner
anymore. I'll see to that.

I will see to that.

I don't know, man.
I don't think I'm up to it.

Yeah.

I don't know what to say.

Well, we could just cancel.

No one could blame us.

Quesnell, what do you think?

We are going to make
a ton of cash.

- Seriously?
- Oh, come on.

How can you say that?

Quesnell, you're such a bitch.

You all are thinking
the same thing.

Death sells.

I say we do it.

I say we go out there

and give it our best show
and dedicate it to Ron.

Mistake.

Abomination.

You're the stone in my shoe,

the thorn in my foot.

Put your hand out.

Put it out!

Better to lose a hand
than go to hell whole.

You vile thing.

Aah!

What the fuck
was that all about, Joel?

Yeah, you just left us
hanging there.

You're such a bitch.

I thought I saw her, Quesnell.

I thought I saw the nun
in the audience.

What does that matter?

The killer's been caught.

Father O'Bleary.

Who cares what the nun saw?

I just... I still want to know.

You've got to... No.

Oh my God.

You gonna be all right, Dave?

Yeah.

Eventually.

I just...

never got to tell him
how I felt.

You want a lift home?

Nah. I'll be all right.

I don't feel comfortable
leaving you here all alone.

Go home.

The killer's been caught.

I'll be fine.

Okay.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah. See ya.

Holy shit!

And behold I, even I,

do bring a flood of waters
upon the earth

to destroy all flesh

wherein is the breathe of life.

Downtown is reeling from
another murder in Snow Alley.

The body of a second member
of the Ex-Choir Boys

was found stoned and drowned
early this morning.

ECB leader Joel Davidson
has publicly stated

that he saw a mysterious nun

lurking around
both murder scenes

before the crimes
were committed.

Police are being tight-lipped
surrounding the details.

Damn!

Two black eyes.

You know, this kid said
he saw a nun

at this murder scene too.

You think maybe
we oughta find her?

Yeah. She might have seen
something.

- Yeah.
- Two identical murders.

You know what that means, Chief.

Don't say it.
Don't say the "SK" word.

You also realize this means we
have the wrong man in custody.

Two black eyes and a fat lip.

Shit.

Well, this means we gotta
let him go, then, don't we?

Ohh!

Uh, Rima, if he sues,

this is gonna be your badge.

Whoa. He won't be suing.

Ah, Christ.

Guess you can keep your badge.

Sullivan!

Clean-up, cell 4.

You want me to check his vitals?

Uh, no. He's dead.

Oh, one moment,
Officer Sullivan.

We're all done here.

Unbelievable.

Move it, Diana.

Excuse me.
That's Miss Ross to you.

What? It's not like he'll
need it anymore.

And you're supposed to be
the sensitive one?

Oh, I've fallen short of your
expectations once again.

However will I survive?

I think I just saw Diana Ross
with Mr. Clean.

Are you lost?

The Salvation Army
is right down the street.

I could show you if you'd like.

What, you have
a membership there?

This is Gucci.

Poly blend, poly blend,
poly blend, poly blend.

No, I am Agent Peccant
from the FBI.

See?
Says right here on my badge.

There you go.
Don't get up. Don't get up.

Apparently, your stonings
of those choir boys

sent off some red flags
down at the bureau...

I just put that into the
computer a few of hours ago.

Oh you can type?
Isn't that cute.

And talk while
someone else is: rude.

Five years ago in Normal,
Illinois, similar case,

and eight years ago
in St. Germain, Wisconsin.

Who's gay in Wisconsin?

So the Bureau decided
to send up their star profiler,

a young rising hotshot
who's destined for...

Ooh! Is he cute?
When does he get here?

Ooh! He's really cute,
and he has no interest in you.

Oh right, Grandpa.

Oh, whoa, whoa.
Pull in the claws.

Hey, hey, hey.

No cat fights
in the office, please.

Where would you like us
to have them?

- Agent Pecan? It's...
- It's Peccant.

- Peccant.
- Peccant.

Right, I'm Chief Homer Bathos,
and this is Detective...

Homo, I don't have time

to meet every little errand
boy under your employ.

We've got a murder to solve
here, remember?

A murder. That's right.

So, you two, take me
to the crime scene.

I'll give it a look-over
and help you out.

You, the bureau is sending
a box of case files, okay?

So I want you to keep
your eye out for it.

That's these two things up here.

The box is square, cardboard,

Fed Ex on the side.
Don't mess that up.

- You can drive me now.
- Yes'm, Miss Daisy.

Do that again and I'll slap you.

- Oh!
- Jesus.

- Chief?
- Yeah.

Chief,

what's with all the gay cops?

Ha! I don't know.
Darnedest thing, isn't it?

Yeah, darnedest.

- Well, I gotta go.
- All right.

And when I was arresting
this hooker,

she said it just slipped in.
Come on!

And thanks for getting us
here this year,

Miss Two-Mile-An-Hour.
I could've crawled faster.

Okay, everybody, I need you
all to stop and shoosh away.

Shoosh.

Come on.
That means move. Move.

Shoo away.
Thank you very much.

And stop with the chatter.
I need silence.

Silence over there
with the duck recipe,

although it sounds very lovely.

- Okay, I need a wide berth.
- I could've told you that.

I'm hearing you.
I'm only 2 feet away.

This is definitely
where the crime occurred.

This is where it all happened.
I can sense it.

Jesus!

This is not my first day.

Okay, let me just say this.

I'm hearing, I'm feeling,

I'm getting, I'm getting it.

I'm seeing a picture.

I need a chair,
quickly quickly quickly.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

No tissue? You couldn't
have wiped it down for me?

Thank you, Detective.

Do you have any spa foot cream?

Something with like an apple
blossom scent to it...

You're not gonna...

...because my feet
are killing me.

- Agent Pekant...
- What?

It's Peccant, it's Peccant,
it's Peccant!

You're about to put your feet
in the murder weapon.

I knew that.

I was just testing
your detective skills,

and apparently you're
David Caruso fans.

Don't ever question my methods
in front of my men again,

do you understand?
Good, I thought so.

Now, you with the camera,
up, up, up, thank you.

Get a picture of us, please,
with the gun.

Good.

All right, I've come up
with my profile.

Let me just consult...
just to be sure.

You gonna help Daddy solve
the case, with the profile.

Come on, give it to me.
What is it, baby?

I've got it.

Your killer is
a 12-year-old Scottish boy

who chews watermelon BubbleYum

from the right side
of his mouth.

He loves the Power Rangers,
the red one... No!

The black one
because he's not racist.

He's an autistic genius

who can count the grains
of sand on the beach

with a single glance.
Glance... haah!

He...

started his hatred of boy bands

from a bad choir experience
involving a kilt,

which is a Scottish
piece of clothing.

Like a skirt.

Of course it's like a skirt.

What did you think,
it was a skort?

That's it. There you have it.

That's your profile
of your killer.

Now start your detectiving

while I go back
and freshen up at the hotel.

Take me back.
Wait! Not you.

You with the camera,
and bring it with you.

This one's heels
can't touch the gas pedal.

Miss Thing.

Twat.

Ah. Pot calling
the kettle black...

Don't even.

Are we gonna check its profile?

Fuck, no.
Let's go back to the office

and look over some statements.

Maybe we'll find
something there.

Anything stand out?

No.

Where to next?

Let's go back to St. Gemini,

interview some church patrons.

They might have seen something.

Ooh, sounds like fun.

- That's interview...
- Oh!

Not grab, not grope
or fellatiate.

Interview.

Is that a gun in your p...

Never mind.

It's not a gun in my pocket,

and I'm never happy to see you.

Mark, can I have a moment
of your time?

No.

You can have a moment
of my time.

No, he can't.

Mr. Davidson,

I need you to clarify
this statement here,

if you can just... want to
come over here for a second?

I was wondering...

Um, it says here that...

Here's my autograph.

Uh-huh.

Stop it.

Okay? Just stop it, Chris.

Not everybody is, you know...

Ahem. Gay?

Yeah.
Not every one of us is gay.

It's not choice "A"
or choice "B."

Not flaming gay or closeted gay.

Some of us are just straight,
just completely straight.

Whatever you say, Mark.
No reason to get riled up.

No reason at all.

After the debacle

with your treatment
of poor Father O'Bleary,

and given the complete immoral

and illegal nature
of your request,

I demand that you leave at once.

What? Stop.

And furthermore,
I'll be in touch

with your superiors about this.

- Wait outside.
- Don't you...

Mark...

Don't you think

that the O'Bleary matter

is done and over with?

Come on back in.

He said yes?

He didn't say no.

Oh, hello, you.

Permission or not,

you know none of this
will hold up in court.

Not a problem.

If we can get a head-up
on the killer,

we can wait for him to slip up.

If that doesn't work,
we can plant some evidence

or manufacture some
justifiable cause for entry.

Occasionally,
I like the way you think.

Just occasionally.

Sorry about this, Father.

I'll leave the rosary.

Ahem.

- Father?
- Oh.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

Tell me everything, girlfriend.

It'll be all right.

I switch price tags
when buying clothes.

That's it?

You switch tags?

Wait a minute.

What color was the blouse?

Red.

And the pants?

Green.

Oh, you are a hot mess.

See, girlfriend,
that's your real sin.

That color combination only
works during Christmas time.

And even then that's pushing it.

What should I do, Father,
confess to the police?

Maybe the fashion police.

Seven Hail Marys.

Next.

Oh, yeah.

Fix your wig,
Tranny McTrannerson.

I, uh, I cheated on an exam.

So where did you study
your cheat sheet?

At Anointed, perhaps?

Uh, no.

So you went to Anointed after
studying your cheat sheet.

Was this perhaps
May 31st or June 2nd?

I don't go to the queer bar.

You can tell me anything.
I won't judge.

You could even tell me

you committed three acts
of murder, and I wouldn't...

Weirdo.

And he asked me
to give him a... a blow job.

I didn't do it, of course.

And this is your husband
we're talking about?

Yes, for 30 years.

For God's sakes,

give the poor man a blow job.

And you better swallow.

The church frowns on that
sort of thing, doesn't it?

Why do you think the Good Lord
gave you lips and a tongue?

I say go for Nazi helmet.

- Well, if you say so...
- I insist.

Next.

So, well, I didn't mean to.

I... I may have been
a little harsh.

She may have committed suicide

due to my constant harassment
and teasing.

And when did you realize
you were a dyke?

Was this before or after you
starting going to Anointed?

I'm not a dyke!

Was this some kind of love/hate

harassment/attraction?

And when did this escalate

into you cross-dressing
as a priest

and killing choir boys

to vent your closet dyke
frustrations?

Aah!

I'm the leader of Scout Pack 69,

and I've done something.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pack 69?

I already know what you did,
Miss Jackson.

69 Hail Marys, and a couple
of snaps and a twist.

Next.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

Please, please continue.

- You all right?
- Uh, yes, I have a cold.

You need more protein
in your diet.

So I've heard.
What can I do to... for you?

It's been a while
since my last confession.

I...
I've kind of left the church.

I'm part of
the Ex-Choir Boy band.

Yes, we're all good... big fans.

Part of the reason why we left.

Anyways, two of my band mates
have been murdered...

- Is this a murder confession?
- No.

It's just a confusing time
for me.

Two of my band mates
have been murdered,

- and then there's this cop.
- Yes?

The guy's a nut.

He's really wacked in the head.

Arrogant.

Is that any way to talk

- about your civil servant?
- Do I know you?

No, no, no.

Please continue.

So anyways, there's this cop.

He's frustrating as all hell
to be around,

- yet...
- Yet?

There's just something
about him I can't deny.

He's really very...

Sorry.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, be right over.

Thanks a bunch. Gotta go.

Yeah. Come back anytime.

Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

Bless me, Father,
for I'm about to sin.

- Huh?
- Oh, nothing.

I've committed adultery.

Tell me everything.

I've lost track
of my sexual partners,

and I think I'm a sexaholic.

I'm just a guy who can't say no.

I'm in a terrible fix.

Thank you, Jesus.

What? What'd you say?

Keep going.

Christ, it's hot in here.

You mind if I take my shirt off?

Oh don't let me stop you
at your shirt.

Thank you.

Much better.

Much, much better.

Anyway, I can't help it.

I have the most
peculiar trigger, too.

It's so bizarre.

And that would be?

Well, um...

whenever someone speaks to me

in technical
psychological terms...

it makes me so hot.

You don't want to know
what terms like...

borderline
personality disorder and...

schizophrenia...

do to me.

Do you think you can help?

Oh, well, we'll just
have to see about that.

I mean, I'm just a priest.

I'm not a psychiatrist,

but I might have learned
something

about obsessive,
neurotic behavior.

It's telling me that your
subconscious is

going out the door. Ohh!

Oh. Come on. Mmm.

Maybe you've heard of me,
Otis Gudgeon?

Owner of Ooey Gooey Buns.

- Yes, Joel.
- Huh?

Eh. Well, I don't know
if you remember

that, uh, would-be competitor

who tried to get a piece
of my pie, so to speak:

Rock Candy Buns.

Well, I won the turf war,

but, uh, not exactly fairly.

I had an actor
stage getting sick

at one of their restaurants,

and had one of my pet reporters

make a big splash
about the whole thing.

And I followed that up with
a bribe to a health official

to plant bugs
in their sugar coatings.

Closed them down within a year.

Well, I'm not exactly
proud about how I won,

but damn it, business is war,

and there's no way on earth

I was gonna to lose
Ooey Gooey Buns.

No!

That's not how it's done!

Get out of there!

Hail Mary! Hail Mary!
Hail Mary!

On your knees.
He trusted you,

and you used your position
of power to manipulate him.

Is this one of those new things?

When he wouldn't do
your evil bidding,

you just couldn't stand it,
could you?

I don't understand
what you want.

- You don't deserve to live!
- Easy there, cowboy. Easy.

Dave Rattan was an employee
of Otis' Ooey Gooey Buns

before hitting
the big time with ECB.

Otis was obsessed with Dave,

and then he invited him
over to his house

to play pool and naked Twister
with mouse traps.

And then he stalked
and killed him,

wearing a yellow dress
that he once wore as child

that reminded him of dancing
through a field of daisies.

And that's it, Chief.

You sicko.

Do you have anything
to say for yourself?

All right.

Mark, you really sure
about this?

I am sure, Chief.
That's the guy. That's it.

Because you've been wrong
twice before.

I am sure of this.
Chief, I've got it.

- Trust me.
- Okay, yeah, what the hell.

Uh, good job. Book him.

My pleasure, Chief.

Let's go now. Come on.

Is that him?

Yeah, that's him.

We got the right guy this time.

You've said that before.

You thought
I was the killer, too.

Yeah, and your point is?

It might not be over.

Yeah, Joel, it might not
be over.

Want to go have a beer?

Oh, she moves fast.

I'll go to one of your bars.

No, I think our business
is done here.

...stage
Miss Elektra LaStrange.

It's so good to see you,
Elektra.

Yes, it's wonderful
to see you too again, Jason.

It's Josh.

Ohh...

And likewise also the men,

leaving the natural use
of the woman,

burned in their lust,
one toward another,

men with men,

working that which is unseemly.

No!

Aah!

Oh, shit.

What are you in for?
Who cares?

This is my dog Mr. Girl.
Isn't he cute?

Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in.

What, were you out
all last night

celebrating your latest collar?

'Cause guess what.

That suspect of yours,

he has an airtight alibi

for the night
of the second murder.

Uh-huh.
And unluckily for us,

he didn't kill himself.

So instead he decided
to sue us and the city.

Oh, and I received a telephone
call from the diocese.

Apparently, there's something
about a Father Perdu.

You know anything
about that, Mark?

Uh-huh. Because now
they're suing us, too.

Oh, and getting back to Otis
Gudgeon of Ooey Gooey Buns...

nice job
arresting an international
business mogul, by the way...

because now he has us
as an airtight alibi

for last night's
little incident.

- Incident?
- Yeah.

If you and Detective Riant

weren't so busy
playing tonsil hockey...

Please. I have
better taste than that.

Sorry, Chris.
You would have heard the news

that the latest member
of your boy band...

Not my boy band.

Being found stoned
and burned to death.

- Who was it?
- Don't worry.

It wasn't your boyfriend.
No, it was...

Oh. Speak of the devil.
No, it was James Billet.

That explains
why he hasn't called me.

And, uh, guess what.

Witnesses say they saw a nun
at this murder scene.

When are you gonna find her?

You know what?
I'm beginning to think

that this nun might have
more to do with this case

than we initially thought...

If... Oh, my God.

- Do you think...
- Hold that thought.

Do you think the nun
might be in danger?

No. The killer
is torturing the nun.

I used to be a nun.

The Choir Boys are just
a sick little tool

in his twisted little game.

Our 12-year-old German boy...

Thought he was Scottish,
Sylvia Brown...

Ish. Scott-ish.

German is close.

Our 12-year-old German boy

developed a hatred of these nuns

when he ate some moldy
bread he bought

at one of their bake sales
at the nunnery,

which is a place
where nuns live, little boy.

He developed a tummy-ache
so intense

that he had to miss his advanced
bio-engineering class,

and that made him
very, very, very mad.

Yes.

That was brilliant.

It's a gift. It's a gift.

Okay, Mark. I want you
to get right on this.

I want that nun found

and brought into
protective custody.

All right, fine.

- Chief...
- Yeah.

The paperwork from Normal
and St. Germain just came in.

Holy crap. Yeah,
put it in my office.

Uh, you want to go over
these with me, Agent Pecan?

It's Peccant. It's Peccant.

And because of that, no.
You do it yourself.

I have given you everything that
you need to solve this case.

What do you want me,
to drive the car, too?

You need to find that boy
and arrest him

so that I can go home.
Zip, zip.

I need a ride.

Well, I can give you a ride.

Huh?

Okay, no touching.

- Uh, in my office.
- All right.

This last murder was different
from the other two.

James was attacked at home,
not after a show.

The killer
is escalating his attacks.

We need to set a trap.

We do know who the killer
is targeting.

We need bait.

All right, yeah.

So when's your next concert?

Tonight.

All right, Chris,

you take the east end
of Snow Alley,

I'll take the west end,
and then we'll...

- It's not at Anointed.
- You play elsewhere?

We play elsewhere.

It's at the farmer's market
in Turner Junction.

You actually get
an audience there?

Well...

Standing room only.

You up for this?

Up for more than you think.

Well, don't worry.

We won't let anything
happen to you.

I know you won't.

Whew, is it hot in here,
or is it just me?

Well, I'm always hot,
so it must be just me.

Shut up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chris, I need you
to fill out some paperwork

on the transfer stuff.

Take Detective Flatus with you.

Come on, Chris.

Whatever. Frank, let's go.

Okay, okay.
What are we doing?

Stakeout.

- Steak house?
- Stakeout.

Stakeout.

- Stakeout.
- Stakeout.

Stakeout.

You see them broads
in those pink pants?

What?

You talk about a broad,
I thought that was a dude.

She had an Adam's apple.

One of those all the way.

Hey, Charlie, you gonna go
see them sissy boys tonight?

Maybe with a 2-by-4.

Heh heh.
What do you think, Ray?

Oh, I don't know, Charlie.
I hear they're pretty.

I sure wouldn't want
to mess up them pretty faces,

at least not at first.

Heh heh.

Y-Yeah. See ya tomorrow.

Later.

Wait, right about here.
This is perfect.

All right, here we go.

You take the back end
of this thing...

Ho ho, no.

Mm-mm, you know.

- All right, fine.
- All right.

All right. You get back end.

Nah, nah. Two out of three.
Two out of three.

- Two out of...
- Two out of three.

All right.

Yeah! Cut you. Gotcha.

- Fine.
- Thank you.

- Take it.
- Oh, yeah, I will.

You take it.

You know you don't
have to do this.

I'll be fine.

Detective Rima's
looking out for me.

Yeah, I bet.

Joel, there's something

seriously off about that guy.

That's what I like about him.

I'm being serious.

You don't have to go
through with this.

I'll be fine.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Can you see him?

Well, yeah, I can see him.

He's standing right out back.

Is anybody with him?

No, he's by himself.

What? No priest? No nun?

When I say no one,
that includes priests and nuns.

Jesus, what did you eat?

Oh, sorry about that.

Oh, Bessie!

Quiet! Somebody's coming.

It's tea time.

Time for that magic elixir
that lightens up my tea.

Hoo, well...

Frank, the gig is up.

Shhh!

Potential perp
approaching the bait.

I hear them voices, too, Bessie.

What do you make of them?

You got a little pressure
going there, girl.

What's happening?
Just a little tense.

I can take care of it,
though. Don't you worry.

Don't you worry about a thing.

Damn, Bessie, that was foul.

I'd say one of those seven
stomachs of yours

has a bad burrito.

Come on, girl,
it's almost there.

It's almost there.
I can feel it coming.

Yes, yes, yes.
There it is, Yes. Yes!

Uh? Ooh.
That's all you got for me?

Oh, wow.

You done gone sour.

Well, you know,

you're good for something
besides milking,

and you know what I mean.

Hee hee hee!
Oh, she's eager.

Yes, she certainly is.

This won't take long.
It takes less time

than it ever used to take
before, Bessie.

Hang on, it's gonna be
quite a ride.

Where you going? What?

You sick duck.
I'll plug you!

Take it easy, Mark!
Take it easy!

Take it easy!

Bessie dropped a dime on me.

That's one for the books.

- How'd the stakeout go?
- Got nothing.

- I wouldn't say that.
- Hey, you shut up.

- You just shut up.
- Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What happened?

No killer.

- No nun.
- None?

Why don't you two just go home?

Me and Homer have got it
covered from here.

Yeah, you've got
quite a partner here.

You know that, Mark?
Oh, and, uh, don't forget

to bring your little
boyfriend with you.

He shouldn't be here
loitering around.

That it, that's it.

What's with all the fag jokes?
I'm not gay.

But Chris here is out to the
whole world, the whole universe.

I don't see you
giving him any shit. Why me?

Why you?
I'll tell you why you.

Because Chris here, we can
say anything we want to,

and the little queen
just gives it right back.

Princess.

But you, on the other hand,

different matter.
So you know what?

If you want to work here,

you better just grow
some thicker skin

or put on some thicker
nylons, partner.

Get out of here.

Yoo-hoo.

We could try again.

We've got another show
at the sheep petting zoo.

No! No. No. Just go home.

- I was thinking, maybe we...
- Moo!

Hey, bring some milk back
for the coffee, will you?

Moo!

Milk does a body good,
I hear. Huh?

Moo!

Uhh...

- Mom...
- No!

You're not mine.

Remember?

You're an orphan.

Don't you ever call me Mama.

Not even in private.

What have you done?

Abomination!

Damnation!

This is the price of your sin.

God hates that.

God hates you.

Thorn in my foot.

My eternal sin, ever before me.

Oh God, please make
that request of me:

the same request
you made of Abraham.

Please give me a sign

that my trials are finally over!

Mary...

lift up your skirt.

Lift it up!

Put it right up there.

Put it right there!

If your hand led you to sin,

I would cut it off right now.

But no, it wasn't your hand,
now, was it?

Aah!

Tempters.

Abominations.

They shall surely die
for their sins.

Ohh...

Gosh, you're so fucking hot.

Who in the hell could that be?

Just ignore it.

If that's Quesnell,
I'm gonna kill him.

Forget about Quesnell.

- Oh, baby...
- Oh, baby, right there.

Ahh...

Can you just please
go check that?

It's your apartment.

Please, sweetheart,
can you just check it?

Sweetheart?

Sweetheart? What's my name?

What's my name?

Jared?

Jared? Jared?

Do I look like a Jared to you?

Oh, my God...

Freakin' boy band prick.

It's the prick you like.

It's the dick I like.

- What the fuck?
- Yaah!

Uhh!

You've been bad, haven't you?

Yeah.

How bad have you been?

Pretty bad.

Tell me again.

Very bad.

Yeah? Why don't you
just call me sir?

Sir.

Say it louder.

Very bad, sir. Aah! Hit me.

- Harder.
- You like that, don't you?

Yes, sir. Harder.

Oh. He's here.

His online photo better be real.

That last guy was a total fake.

Who says three's a crowd?

Oh, you definitely
have the wrong apartment.

Sinner!

Quesnell?

Aah! Aah!

- No...
- Yaah!

There he is.

Just what is your
fucking malfunction?

What?

Mark, what the hell's
the matter with you?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't you? Why the fuck
didn't you tell us

that you worked
in both precincts

where all the other choir boy
murders took place

at the same time
that they occurred?

Major black eye here.

Well, I think I remember
something similar to that.

Oh, you think?

They weren't even my cases.
I was a rookie patrolman.

Oh, well, there you go.

Did you hear that?
They weren't even his cases.

- Yeah, but still...
- Yeah but still,

one would expect

a detail-orientated
policeman like yourself

to have remembered
such similarities.

The nun sightings,
the stonings...

Do you know what I think,
Detective Rima?

Do you want to know
what I think Detective Rima?

- Sure.
- Yeah, sure.

You know what I think?

I think, based on the case
evidence that I've looked at,

based on your own notes
of the documented incidents

that you've written up
and turned in yourself,

and based on my own
flawless intellect...

The killer is a 78-year-old
Nordic Latino, a janitor.

I'm not kidding, in a hospital.

Yeah, and he's not killing
choir boys to kill choir boys.

He doing it to flush you

out of this big glass
closet you live in.

Oh, my God,
he thinks you're gay.

Oh, my God, he knows you're gay.

- Hello!
- Hello!

Rose Kennedy with a black dress.

So the nun is stalking him
to kill him,

but that's a completely
unrelated incident.

Yeah, she's his half-sister.

Yeah, in some incestuous
gross kind of thing,

she pictures him as a sex toy.

I know, but for $9.95
on the internet,

I'd tune in, wouldn't you?

That's the new profile.
There it is. Run with it.

That is a lot to swallow.

You?
We pictured you a spitter.

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Okay, girls, boys, settle down.

Did you call me girl or her?

- Her.
- Thank you.

I think that Agent Picante
here...

- It's Peccant.
- ...has laid out

a very reasonable
and probable profile.

- Um, we...
- Chief!

What?

Oh, good Lord,
that's disgusting.

You didn't just interrupt
me for that, did you?

No, sir. Sorry, sir.

The killer has struck
twice tonight.

Double murders at both scenes.

Someone better
go get that Ex-Choir Boy

and get him into protective
custody, stat,

which is hospital talk for now.

I know who will
volunteer for that: Mark?

Where the hell did that
shape shifter go? Can he fly?

- Get on Mark's shadow now.
- On it.

We had no doubt.

Bitch.

Thank your dad for the flowers.

I, uh, need to go check
on something in my office.

He's a coke whore.
Someone should tell him

that's not a drug
you take on a full stomach.

Just get to a phone, Ellen,
get to a phone!

You crack whore!

Are you watching
Days Of My One Life To Live?

No, no. No no.
I wasn't watching...

Deception. Deception.

- I, uh...
- I know Ellen's voice.

My wife makes me watch it.

She got me hooked, man.

It's like crack. I just...

I thought you were on crack.

Good Lord.
Is Rico still being a snake?

Has Ellen called Harriet?

Oh, my God. You, too?

Yeah, I love this soap.
I'm hooked.

But ever
since I've been up here,
I've been in withdrawals.

I have no idea what's going on.

Keep up with it on Google.

Google... I forgot
they do everything,

including, like,
a Pap smear nowadays.

- Yeah.
- Do you mind?

No. Here.

Oh, good Lord,
she's still so thin.

You're the last one left.

The nun, she attacked Quesnell
and Matt in their homes.

It was the nun. I knew it.

Her name is Sister Mary.
She's insane.

Yeah, well, duh.

I'm putting you
in protective custody.

You've gotta come
with me right now.

I need to grab a few things.

We gotta go now.
We gotta go.

How can they have commercials
during a 24-hour marathon?

It's not really 24 hours
of soap, then, is it?

No, no, but...

Mr. Girl.

- Oh, my God, he's so cute.
- Mm-hmm.

What kind of dog is he?

Dog?

Paris Hilton was a dog.

That's Mr. Girl, my prince.

- Yeah. He's gone now.
- Aw.

- I know. Cancer.
- Sorry.

There's nobody
to greet me at the door

when I get home anymore.

I'm all by myself.

I'm an orphan now.

You have your wife
and soaps and Ellen.

- Yeah...
- I know.

I have nobody.

Do you think that you have
to pick up the poop

after dogs in heaven?

I don't know.

Do dogs even poop in heaven?

Anyway, he's...
he's absolutely adorable.

- Purebred?
- Oh, good Lord, no.

This dog was a whore.
Please. And so was his mother.

Yeah, no... he's half cockapoo
and half Maltese.

- What?
- Yeah, a cock-tese.

Rare breed.

Rare in my house.

I think it probably runs
in your house.

- How could you?
- Back on!

- Oh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- How could you do this to me?

Rico, you go get the money,
and I'll take care of her.

Bathos. Make it quick.

It's Chris.
I'm at Davidson's apartment.

Who? Where?

Mark's shadow: Joel Davidson.

Why didn't you just say so
in the first place?

Davidson isn't here.

There's no sign of struggle

or any other...
type of engagement.

Any sign of Mark?

No, he's not picking up
his cell, either.

Well, uh, head on over
to Mark's place.

See if he's taking a nap.

Hell of a time to be
taking a nap, though.

And then the two of you get
over and find Davidson, okay?

And call me back
in about an hour

and then only for about 3
minutes, during the commer...

- Uh, good luck.
- Yeah.

God, I hope they find that kid.

That would be a real
feather in my cap.

And that looks
like a doomsday device.

We're all gonna die.

Let me give you
a hand with that.

That's okay, you don't have to...

Relax. Relax. I got it.

What's that for?

You're not that dense.
I thought maybe...

Yeah, think again.

I'm bored.

And? So?

It's your job to entertain me.

No, I know what my job is.

Fine.
What would entertain you?

Let's play some poker.

All right, well it better
be penny poker

because all I have is...

I wasn't talking about money.

Oh.

Ain't gonna happen.

All right,
I'll go get the pennies.

No. Don't.
You can't show your face.

It's not safe out there.

Why is that?

Is my face that ugly?

No.

Fine. We'll play what you
want to play.

No, if I have to twist
your arm this hard,

then just forget it.

Just sit down and deal.

Come on, Jesus Christ.

So what else do you
know about her?

- Who?
- Sister Mary?

She's insane.

You mentioned that.

You're in a lot of danger.

She's out there.

She's looking for you.

She wants to punish you.

And you know all this how?

I have a source.

Okay.

Call.

I lose again.

So how did you know
it was the nun?

What's with all the questions?

Oh, well, she killed
all my band mates

and has me on the run.
None of my business...

Call.

Uh-uh. I get to choose.

Lose the pants.

No.

Why are you trying
to fight this so much?

There's nothing wrong with this.

What are you doing?

This is very wrong.

It's an abomination.

Goodbye, Ellen.

I never loved you.

Doesn't Ellen
have a twin sister?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What the hell was her name?

- It was Margaret.
- Either you're lying...

No. Bermuda.

It was something, uh, uh...

Mary. It's Mary.

- It's not Mary.
- It's Sister Mary.

- No it's not.
- Look it up.

- Sister Mary?
- Shh.

Now it's just you and me,
friend.

- You and I.
- That's what I said.

No, you didn't.

Fucking interruptions
all the fucking time.

- What?
- Chief, it's Chris.

I recognize the lisp.
What do you want?

Is Agent Peccant there?

Yeah, we're both here, watch...

working on a case together.

Well put me on speaker phone.

You're never gonna believe this.

Okay, go ahead.
You're on speaker.

Can you hear me?

No. I'm replying
because I'm a psychic.

Bitch. Can you hear that?

Can we get to the point, please?

I'm at Mark's apartment.

- Is he there?
- No.

Now, you'll never believe
what I found.

Now, Chief, I know you and Mark

have known each other
for a while now,

and I don't really know
how to break this to you,

but I think there's something
you should know about...

He's a closet case, right?

Well, duh, everyone knows that.

But it's not that.
It's something else.

The killer we've been hunting...

well, it turns out that...

Detective Mark Rima
is the killer.

Or rather his split
personality Sister Mary is.

Black eye.

Mark is the bastard child
of a nun.

Yeah, she and her order
not only pretended

that he was an orphan
left on her doorstep,

they also pretended
he was a girl.

Mark, or I should say Mary...

that was his name
he was raised with...

was also dressed like a girl
until early puberty.

Mary had a tryst
with a choir boy.

His mother discovered
the two together,

and she stoned the choir boy
to death.

Oh, good Lord.

Mary was beaten, maimed,

and left for dead herself...
himself.

It's at that point
that Mary runs away.

This is so sad,
and in more ways than one,

and Mark Rima first appears.

Mark completely blacked out
the experience.

He ended up in the foster care
of a cop.

Let's see here...
initials H.M., I think.

Have to look into that one.

Mark isn't even aware of Mary,
you know,

but Mary is fully aware of Mark.

Sort of like Nikki and Vicki
on our soap.

Mary first re-emerges
eight years ago

when Mark attended the
St. Germain Christmas concert.

And then again
three years later in Normal.

And now.

Wow.

You are good, girl.

Well, yeah, and I'm also reading

Sister Mary's online blog
right now.

There's really interesting
pictures.

Oh, God, I better start
looking for a new job.

Do you think...

Davidson. Mark's shadow.

Do you think
Mary has him right now?

Well, if he-she does,
then it's probably too late.

Oh, my God.

There isn't one clue
as to where they've gone.

At least not to your eyes.

How the hell am I gonna
find them in time?

I suppose we could use
that Lojax thing

that's in all
the officers' cars.

Oh, God, I'm in Mayberry.

Mark?

Not Mark.

Mark's a bad boy.

But you, you're worse.
You're a sinner.

You lead weak boys like Mark
into temptation.

- Surely hellfire awaits you.
- You don't have to do this...

- Surely I must.
- You don't want to do this.

The Lord's will is my will,
and the Lord hates you.

Wait! Please.

You need help, Mark.
You're sick.

You need to stop fighting
what you really want...

what you really need.

Who did that to you?

Drop the stone.

Sorry.

Grrr!

Don't worry, Chief.
There won't be a trial.

I hate you.

I've always hated you.

Always, always.

And now I'm gonna kill you.

You know, this, uh,

this sort of incident
under my command...

It, uh, it may not look so good

with the powers that be,
you know?

I know.
It's gonna be hard.

Well, I'm sorta thinking here

that, uh, you seem
like a nice guy.

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

Well, we watch the same
soaps, you know, and...

I love this soap.

Mr. Girl is just adorable.

I mean, we got that, right?

So I was just wondering.

Your word would carry
an awful, awful lot of weight

with the powers that be,
and, you know,

maybe you could put in
a good word for me.

No.

I will kill you now.

You are a grown man.

Please tell me
you are not crying.

I'm alone in an office

with a grown straight man
crying.

Ellen, I'm coming for you.

That is how I solved

the very strange case
of Detective Rima

and Sister Mary...

a strange one indeed.

You know, that Dale Inman,
she's taken my job.

Do you have anything

you'd like to add to that,

Chief Riant?

Yeah. Repression sucks.

What do you mean?

Well, repression
is what drove him

to becoming a killer of
unsuspecting singing twinks.

I knew that.

I was just testing
your detectiving ability,

and you passed
with flying colors,

you specimen
of a detective, Chief.

Now, don't you have a new
undercover assignment

to start, Agent Picante?

It's Peccant.

But you're cute.

I'm going deep undercover.

Yeah.

Yow!

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