Sincerely Louis CK (2020) - full transcript
[ Scattered chanting ]
C.K.! C.K.!
[ Whooping ]
Louis! Louis!
[ More join ]
Louis! Louis! Louis!
Louis! Louis! Louis!
Louis! Louis! Louis!
[ Chanting stops ]
[ Indistinct shouts ]
[ Shrill whistle ]
[ Indistinct chatter ]
[ Scattered cheering
and applause ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you.
Sit down, please. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thanks.
Nice to, uh...
All right.
Nice to see you all.
Thanks for coming.
I've been thinking
about you all day.
How are you? How -- how was your
last couple of years?
[ Laughter ]
How...
How was 2018 and '19
for you guys?
[ Laughter ]
Anybody else getting
global amounts of trouble,
anybody else...
[ Laughs, groans ]
Fuck!
[ Cheering and applause ]
That was crazy...
Man, I was in a lot of trou--
Wait till they see those
pictures of me in blackface.
That's gonna to be...
That's going to make it
a lot worse.
Because there is a lot of those,
there's thousands of pictures
of me in blackface.
I can't stop doing it, I just...
I like it, I like how it feels.
[ Laughter ]
Fuck, man, that was...
You know what?
I learned a lot.
I learned a lot -- I learned
how to eat alone in a restaurant
with people giving me the finger
from across the room.
[ Laughter ]
When you get in trouble,
you learn who
your real friends are.
It's true -- people like saying
that like that's a good thing.
Who the fuck wants to know
who their real friends are?
You don't want to know that.
Believe me,
you don't want to know.
It's never who
you want it to be.
It's not your cool friends
and it's not your fun friends.
It's your real friends.
"I'm here for you."
I fucking know that.
I have this friend,
she's the best person I know,
but I sometimes want
to punch her in the face
because she's so nice --
because I'm not
a good person.
Like, I'll tell her something
I'm having problems with,
and she'll say, "I'm going
to pray on that for you."
[ Groans ]
I have a feeling when she prays,
God's like, "Ugh!
Fuck!
This one makes me want
to get out of the business."
You guys think there's a God?
How many --
How many of you, by applause,
believe there is a God.
How many people?
[ Cheering and applause ]
All right. About 30
out of 1,400.
That's nice. That's nice.
That shit's over.
It's just fucking over.
You go into a church, it's like
going to a roller skating rink
on a Wednesday,
it's like...
"This used to be something!
What happened?"
I don't know.
I don't think there's a God.
And that's not a conviction.
I just don't suppose.
I just -- I just
reckon there ain't.
I reckon there ain't no lord.
[ Laughter ]
And because I don't believe
there's a God,
I fucking hope
there's not a God.
I fuckin' hope --
Oh, please!
If you don't believe in God,
you better fucking hope --
you better get on your knees
and pray.
Please, God, don't be.
'Cause that's a bad thing to be
wrong about.
That's a bad wrong.
You're an atheist your
whole life and you die
and you're like, "Aw, fuck!
Aw, you're shitting --
with a beard and everything.
Fuck! Aww...
Hey, I --
I dunno...
Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep."
Being wrong the other way is not
a big problem.
If you believe in God
and you're wrong,
you don't really have a problem.
It gives you a little comfort
during your stupid life.
And then at the end, you're just
seriously disappointed
for like a second -- it's the
last feeling you get to have.
You die, you're like,
"Nothing?
Seriously?
Nothing?"
"Yeah, just get in the Dumpster.
Sorry."
[ Laughter ]
"Sorry, you're just
garbage now."
If you don't believe in God,
that's what you believe --
that when you die,
you're just garbage.
You are your family's
newest garbage.
My mom died last year
and we asked her, like,
"What do you want," like,
before she died, we didn't --
We didn't ask her at --
"Ma! Ma!
Fuck!"
I asked my mom
what we wanted --
what she wanted to do
with her body.
And she said,
"Just burn it."
That's what she said:
Burn it.
What, in the yard with leaves?
What the fuck?
She didn't want a funeral,
no pageantry, nothing.
So she booked it herself.
That was her last act
as an American consumer.
She went online
with a credit card
and she booked
her own cremation.
It's true -- at a place called
Boston Crematorium.
Just this place that burns
bums and dogs all day.
They just folded my mom
into the workload.
We didn't even know,
just this guy showed up.
"I'm here for your ma."
"All right, Sully,
she's in there."
And he went in there
to prepare her.
My sisters are waiting
in the hall
and he was in there for a while.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't say anything.
I'm just...
Saying he was in there
with my mom for a long time.
That's all I'm saying.
And also that I was worried
he was fucking
my dead mother.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, then he brought
her out in a kind of a nice bag
and... and he put her
in a van.
Just a -- his van.
It's like a '98 Ford Windstar
with a bottle of red Gatorade
rolling around in the back.
It's the last time I saw my mom.
[ Laughter ]
That's what she wanted.
[ Laughter ]
She didn't believe
in this God shit.
Just didn't.
I was talking to my friend
the other day about Jesus...
uh, Christ,
and, um...
I don't remember why,
but I happened to mention
that Jesus was Jewish
and my friend said, "He was?"
And I said, Yeah.
Jesus was Jewish.
And he said,
"I don't think so."
And I said, that's okay,
it already all happened.
Doesn't matter where you think.
But he'd argued with me.
He was like, "Dude,
Jesus couldn't be Jewish.
Think about it."
I'm like, "You fucking think
about it, you idiot.
What d-- What was he then?
You're...
What, was he Presbyterian?
What was he?
Catholic?
Okay, Jesus was Catholic
and he had
a gold chain with a cross.
And when they nailed him up,
he was like,
"Oh, that's why we have those!"
[ Laughter ]
"That finally makes sense.
I didn't even know.
Oh, fuck, that's me!
I'm the little guy on it!"
[ Laughter ]
Every religion has
a strange story or a rule
that doesn't make sense to me.
You know, like every time
there's a terrorist act,
they always tell you
on the news
about how they believe
they're all going to heaven.
And every guy
who does a jihad thing
and he gets 72 virgins,
that's right.
That's the story,
always 72 virgins.
Which, first of all,
who are those women?
Who are the 72 virgins?
Does God have to kill
72 nice girls?
"All right, ladies, uh,
the good news
is you're going to heaven.
The weird news..."
[ Laughter ]
Or does God just make 'em
fresh like farm raised salmon?
He just whips up 72 women.
"All right. Nobody fuck these.
I'm saving them for that guy."
It's a weird concept.
You get your own 72 virgins
for all eternity.
First of all, they're only
virgins when you first get them.
Once you start fucking them,
it's over.
After a week, he's like,
"I only have three left."
"And 69 whores."
That has to be one of the more
confusing moments in God's life
when he's handing off 72 virgins
to some guy who just blew up
a bus in Tel Aviv,
and he's like,
"All right. Uh...
The fuck am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.
I need a drink."
I'm curious about God.
I'm curious about his life.
I'm curious
about God's existence.
What's that like to be God?
You know, we don't know
anything about him.
I think one reason people
don't believe in him,
because we don't have
a sense of God
because he doesn't say
anything anymore.
Used to talk all the time,
used to go up to people on
the street, "Hey!"
[ Gibberish ]
Writing on the rocks --
"Look at that! Do it!"
And it was conf--
Everybody's like,
trying to figure it out.
And then for 2,000 years,
he just --
"Mm, meh."
Nothing! Says nothing!
And everybody's fighting.
He could clear a lot of shit up
with a five-minute
press conference.
If God spoke for five minutes,
he'd solve a lot of problems.
He'd just show up, "All right,
everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord.
Okay, real quick.
First of all, Mormons,
just: no.
[ Laughter and applause ]
What is that? Just go home.
Also, Jews with the little
things, what the fuck?
I don't know...
Put a hat on or don't,
nobody gives a shit.
This is weird.
I hate these. I hate them.
I sent everybody with
one of those to hell every day.
I do. It's just my thing.
Just so you know.
Do what you want,
but that's where you're going.
Now, you know.
Also, I don't care
who you fuck.
I don't care.
It never mattered.
It was Adam and Eve and Steve.
They were all fucking
each other.
I was jerking off to it.
It was a great time.
So it's not an issue for me.
I don't know why it is for you.
Have fun and use all the holes,
that's what I say.
Also, you're supposed
to fuck the animals.
That's why I made them!
Why are you not
fucking the animals?!
There's only like 30,000
of you fucking the animals.
What are the rest of you --
You're eating them?!
That's disgusting!
What is wrong with you?
How could you eat
a perfectly fuckable pig."
[ Laughter ]
Sayeth the Lord.
Well, it's nice to be
in Washington, D.C.,
where --
I was born here.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I like it here, 'cause
I like any city, I like cities.
I don't like cities
that are too advanced.
You know,
I was in Zurich.
And they have so much sh--
you know, they're like,
"Here's the bike, you want
a bicycle? It's yours.
Just have it, it's nice."
And they have the garbage
with the eight fuckin' holes
of different shapes -- it's
like an IQ test for a monkey.
I don't know what the fuck.
There's one hole has a picture
of a cup, and the next one
is a picture of a cup
that's a little different.
I'm standing there with a dead
baby,
I don't know where I'm
supposed to...
What am I suppose to do
with that?
It doesn't go in
the newspapers slot,
but otherwise, I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
I like cities,
I don't like little places.
When I go to Europe,
I go to the big cities.
Everybody tells you,
"Don't go to Madrid.
Yeah. Just go to Madrid
for like a day.
And then you got to take a train
and you have to go to
[ Gibberish ]
It's a beautiful
little old village
and you're gonna love it."
Fuck you, you don't know me.
I'm not going to love
a village
in Europe
with a bell that goes "pang,"
like, whenever,
and a dog walking alone.
I don't like cute little places.
I don't like little towns
in America either,
with little shops.
"Oh, look at that little shop!
Let's go in that little shop."
Nah, let's get a divorce.
Isn't that a better idea?
You go in there,
I'll just walk away.
Just tell the kids I was a pilot
and I got shot down.
I don't like little shops.
I'm uncomfortable
in a little shop.
You go in, it's like,
"cli-li-ling-ling,
cli-li-ling."
Now it's just you and her.
You're surrounded by her dream.
And you can't just, "Ugh!"
and leave!
Well, you...
She saw you, you have to go
all the way in now
and look at all
the little crafts that she made.
[ Laughter ]
[ Exasperated sigh ]
You made this?
Really?
You made this
instead of killing yourself?
[ Laughter ]
I fucking wish I was
that mean.
I really do.
All my fantasies are about
being mean,
just having the balls
to, like, walk in a little store
like that and just go like,
"Oh, I don't like this at all.
I don't like it in here.
Unh-uh.
What's your name? Debbie?
Fuck you, Debbie.
I don't like your store.
I was in Florida recently,
I don't like Florida at all,
it's a shit state full of shit
people, that's what I think.
Hate Florida. I hate it.
I hate the whole thing.
The whole -- the entire --
it looks like --
it doesn't look like a dick.
People say that; it looks
like a shit coming out.
If you look at it, it's like
America's ass,
and it's a shit that's just --
that you're trying to...
And there's a little --
Cuba's like a little --
Pbbt! That came first.
That's what I think of Florida.
Every time there's a hurricane,
I'm like,
"Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all,
Melissa!"
No, I don't mean any of that.
I was just funnin'.
Just fun to pretend.
I was in a sushi
restaurant in Florida.
And it was empty --
you ever go in a restaurant
and it's open,
but it's --
you're literally
the only person in there.
You walk in, the staff is like
sitting at the tables, you know,
and you walk in,
you're like, "Are you open?"
They're like, "Yeah."
And you go, "Oh, good."
And you -- and they're like,
"Aww, pfft!
We gotta fire up the whole
fuckin' restaurant
for this one guy now?"
So I ordered a lot of sushi
because I felt bad
for wasting their time,
and, um...
And I --
I didn't eat most of it
because I don't like sushi.
And, um -- so the waitress
comes over.
She's Japanese and she says,
"You no finish?"
Which is what she said.
I'm not...
It's just what she said,
I can't...
I'm not gonna change what
she fucking said.
I'm not gonna lie to ya
and say that
she said, "You're not
going to finish that,"
because it doesn't happen
to be what she said.
And I have to do the accent
because it's weird
if I tell you she said,
"You no finish?"
So I'm stuck.
I'm just telling you
what happened.
She said, "You no finish?"
"Whoo, you no finish!"
[ Gibberish ]
That's exactly what she said.
It's a perfect replica.
No, it was subtle.
She said, "You no finish?"
And I said,
"No, I no finish."
Because I think that's --
I think it's polite
to repeat people's
bad English to them.
Otherwise, you're being a dick,
it's like, "You no finish?"
No, I am not going to finish.
[ Laughter ]
You left out a lot of words.
I took the liberty
of restoring them.
I was in upstate New York
in a small town,
and I was standing
in front of a drugstore.
And in the window
of the drugstore,
they had a wheelchair
on display in the window.
Is that really
an impulse purchase?
"Hmm...
I should get a wheelchair.
That would really help
with my paralysis.
Then I wouldn't have to
drag myself
everywhere I go
like I've been doing for
10 years
since my legs were blown off
at the marathon."
[ Scattered laughter
and groans ]
Okay. Okay.
Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites,
apparently,
because let me point
somethin' out to you.
Let me point somethin' out to
you motherfuckers.
You are just, like, seconds ago,
laughing at a man with no legs
crawling on the ground.
You're just --
[ Imitates laughter ]
And then at the end,
you're like,
"Oh, but not those
particular legless people.
No!
We thought you meant
just some asshole
with a childhood disease
who deserves to be laughed at.
Not one of those."
No, we're laughing
at all legless people equally.
However you lost your legs:
Ha-ha-ha,
you haven't legs.
And we've legs.
I have legs -- I have two legs.
Two fucking legs --
that's the maximum amount.
Fuckin' love having two legs.
I fucking love it.
I wouldn't like having no legs.
I really don't think
I would like it.
I think it would suck.
I think would suck shit
out of the balls of Christ.
It's an old Southern expression,
it's not....
Used like it used to be.
I think two legs
is better than none.
That's what I think.
That's just my opinion.
It's not popular.
You're not supposed to say that
because you're supposed to
always be very positive
about disabled people.
But I think that puts pressure
on them to be positive.
What if they don't want to be?
Because the only story
we want to hear is about
the amazing disabled people --
"He's amazing."
"He lost his legs, then he won
the leg having contest."
What about disabled people
who aren't amazing,
who are just ordinary
with a sweatshirt
and some potato chips,
and he's going,
"Fuck, I wish I had legs."
"No!
No, this is better!
It's better with no legs."
"Why is it better?"
Because you can do anything now.
I can do four things.
Fuck off.
I just don't know
that our positive non-disabled
attitude really helps.
Like retarded people -- let's --
we're gonna talk about
retarded people for 20 minutes.
Just -- that's what's
gonna happen.
We're going to discuss
retarded people
for 20 minutes.
It's not okay to not --
never speak of them.
No, we're gonna talk about them.
First of all, I want --
mostly I wanna talk about
the word "retarded."
Okay? Because the word retarded,
it's a bad word
and people do not like
the word retarded,
they find it very offensive.
Now, I'm a little confused
by this
because it wasn't always
a bad word.
And I grew up in the '70s
and it wasn't bad back then.
And you most bad words
were always bad, you know.
"Cunt" never had
a day in the sun.
There was never a...
a time where the Santa Clause
of the mall was like,
"C'mere, you little cunt.
Tell me what you want
for Christmas."
And then in the '90s,
we're like,
"Let's lay off of 'cunt'
a little bit there, gang."
No, the word --
we used the word retarded
in the '70s,
we used it to identify
people who were retarded.
[ Laughter ]
It wasn't controversial,
it wasn't like --
[ Whispering ]
"He's retarded."
It was like, "He is retarded."
This fellow right here
is retarded, right?
I told you, yes,
you're still retarded.
He is retarded,
everyone.
And I grew up in Boston.
We didn't say
"retarded" in Boston.
[ Non-rhotic ]
We said "re-tah-ded."
"He's re-tah-ded."
"God bless him,
he's fuckin' re-tah-ded."
[ Laughter ]
That's the way we used it!
With love: help the retarded.
That's what people said
in the '70s.
"Help the retarded."
There was a lady outside
the supermarket near my house
every Christmas with a bell,
she was like,
"Help the retarded!
Help the fucking retarded!"
You gonna tell me
she was a bad person?
She was helpin'
the retarded.
And I feel like we had
more of them around back then.
I haven't seen one in years.
In the '70s, there was
a retarded guy in a windbreaker
on every street corner.
They -- we were using the word
and they were more in our lives.
I swear to God, they were more.
They were in our culture.
There was TV movies about
retarded people all the time.
"Tonight on ABC,
'A Retarded Boy's Dream'."
There was one I remember
with Shaun Cassidy,
I don't know if you remember
Shaun Cassidy,
some of you are too young,
but Shaun Cassidy,
he began his career
as a teen pop idol.
He was a 13 year old boy
with a very hit song
called "Da Doo Ron Ron."
And he had feathered blond hair
and juicy lips.
He was on the cover
of Teen Beat magazine, like...
And everybody likes
Shaun Cassidy
'cause he was sexy.
Was a sexy boy.
I thought he was sexy.
I -- I thought he was
really sexy.
I was six years old,
but I already had inappropriate
sex feelings
for teenage boys when I was six.
I was an old soul.
I was --
[ Laughter ]
I was a pedophile
when I was six.
I used to go up to teenage boys
when I was six,
I was like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
That kid's weird,
he's got a boner.
Anyway..
Not anymore,
I outgrew it,
but, uh...
No.
I'm not -- I'm not sexually
attracted to teenage boys.
I'm not. I'm not.
But I don't not get it.
I mean, I --
I get it.
I'm not like, "What?!"
Like...
You can see it.
Like, I was in an airport once
and I'm walking along where
people walk in the airport,
and there was these chairs
facing the aisle,
and there is this family
sitting there,
a mom and a dad
and two teenage boys.
And they're, like, just both
sitting with their phones
with their legs --
they were wearing, like,
these shorts --
one had cutoff shorts
and one had basketball shorts.
And they both just had
their legs open
'cause they don't give a fuck,
both legs just splayed.
And then just this --
just smooth.
You know, just very...
And I saw it.
Didn't give me a --
didn't do anything to me,
but I kind of wanted to stop
and go,
"Hey, fellows, let's --
let's close that shit up, huh?
You're not getting me,
but I know you're causing
a problem
for somebody in this airport.
Let's close it up."
I did not say that...
Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
Anyway, let's return to
the comfortable subject
of retarded people, shall we?
[ Laughter ]
So Shaun Cassidy:
Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer
who then grew up --
he was about 18 --
he was, you know, old and gross.
nobody wanted to fuck him.
So he started to act,
and he had
a movie on TV
called "Normal People,"
where he played
a retarded man
who wants to live
a normal life --
it was very inspiring, actually.
And at one point he goes to --
he didn't do, like,
a big retarded character.
He wore thick glasses,
he talked like Elmer Fudd.
That was the whole thing.
So he goes up to the guy
who runs the group home
he lives in and he says,
"I want to get a job."
And the guys who runs it
is like,
you know, Republican,
conservative.
So he's like,
"You can get a job,
you're retarded!"
You know.
But -- but then there's
a liberal lady who works there
and she says, "Of course
he can get a job.
He's as good as anyone!"
So they let him get a job
as an air traffic controller
or whatever was available.
And then...
He meets a woman
who's also retarded,
who lives at the group home.
He falls in love with her.
It's a very nice love story.
And he says,
"We want to get married."
And the guy says, "Brr!"
She says, "But they're in love!"
So they get married.
And then one day he says,
"We want to have a baby."
And the liberal lady says,
"No fucking way."
And they just
shut them down right there.
And that's the end of the movie.
I swear to God,
that's just how it ends.
And the point of the movie
is just, you know,
hey, there's a limit --
like, that's, I guess,
what the point of it was.
And that's pretty intense.
But, hey, retarded people
were on television,
we were talking about it,
we were dealing with it --
and they said the word retarded
about 50,000 times in the movie.
Now, we don't say the word
and I don't see 'em anywhere.
I guess that's
my problem with it.
And also, the word is not
basically a bad word.
It's a medical term,
but it became a bad word
because it's used as an insult,
really --
not towards
retarded people.
Nobody does that.
Nobody calls retarded people
retarded to insult them.
What would be
the point of that?
That would be like going up
to a chair
and saying,
"You're fuckin chair!"
Like, what are you doing?
No.
People use it
on their friends,
like, you're at a bar,
your friend's like,
"I don't have any more money
for beer,"
and you're like, "You're fucking
retarded, you know that?"
And in that moment,
no one retarded is insulted.
They're not. Do you know why?
Because they're not there!
'Cause we don't include them
in our lives.
They're not at the bar --
How many of you have
a retarded drinking buddy
that you hang out with?
No, you take 'em to the zoo
when they're little him
and then fuck 'em.
This is what I find confusing
about this thing,
is that we told many generations
of people
that they are retarded.
We told them that that's what
they are and they lived with it,
and they dealt with it, and then
we just decided it's a bad word.
So did we tell them this?
Did we go back to them
and explain this to them?
"Listen, Nelson, I have
somethin' to tell you,
you're not retarded anymore."
"You mean I'm cured?"
[ Laughing ]
"No! No, no.
Nah, we're not
even working on it."
[ Sighs ]
Anyway, I've been traveling.
[ Laughter ]
I went to France last year
because I thought
I should leave the nation --
felt like a good idea.
Would have left the planet if
they had another one of those.
But...
When I went to France,
I had a great time.
I fell in love. I met a woman.
I fell in love in France.
And we've been together
since then.
It's been nice.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah, okay, it's nice having
a girlfriend
from another country because you
learn a lot about that country.
I learn a lot about France
from being with her.
I never knew these things
about -- like, one time
she was sick, and I was taking
care of her,
so I gave her --
she had a fever.
I gave her a thermometer
and she put it in her asshole.
[ Laughter ]
Never seen that before;
turns out the whole country,
all of France, puts thermometers
in their assholes.
And they don't put
their eggs in the fridge.
They have no respect for
temperature in either direction.
I'd never -- I was like,
why are you putting it
in your asshole?
She said, "You don't do this?
You don't put here
in America?"
I said, "No, we don't put
a glass thermometer
filled with mercury
in our anuses...
You fucking savage."
Well, we do it to babies
and dogs
'cause they can't talk.
Every American baby's
first words is,
"Get that fucking thing
out of my asshole."
You ever take
your dog's temperature?
You have to hold
your dog's ass still,
and then you slip it in there
and your dog looks to you like,
"Why would you do that?!
Why would you do that to me?!"
And you're like, "I could never
explain it to you,
but I need to hold it here
for 60 seconds."
Dogs are so dumb,
it's fucking tragic.
It's sad how dumb
they are.
They're in our lives
and they know nothing
about what's happening.
You ever been having, like,
a dramatic
moment in your family,
like, you're in the living room
telling the kids
that grandma died,
and everybody's crying,
and the dog's sitting there
like...
[ Chuckling ]
"I know you! Ha!"
They're so stupid!
Incredibly stupid animals.
They don't even know their own
lives, they don't even --
they can't even handle
their own lives mentally.
You ever throw a ball
for your dog
and your dog gets the ball
and brings it,
and then you
throw the ball again,
and the dog brings it.
And then one of the times
you throw the ball,
the dog looks at you like,
"I didn't see what happened.
I'm sorry, I...
I don't know anything now.
Please help."
So you point at the ball,
"There it is, right there.
It's right there."
And the dog just looks
at your finger
'cause there's just no way
he's gonna get this concept
that there's
an invisible line...
...that he can follow
with his imagination.
I have a great dog.
I've got a dog last year.
She's a great dog.
I did not adopt her, I'll be
honest with you.
I bought her with money.
That's the truth.
People always ask me
when I walk my dog in New York,
"That's a beautiful dog.
Is she a rescue?"
I'm like,
"No, she's very expensive.
Please don't touch her."
[ Laughter ]
I did rescue a dog last year,
and it bit everyone
in my life,
so I un-rescued it,
and I bought a dog that works.
In New York, everybody rescues
their dogs,
like, "I rescued this dog.
I rescued her.
She has no eyes
and she's dead.
I hate New York, I really do --
I used to love New York,
but I hate it now,
I really --
I'd rather be in Auschwitz than
in New York City.
Honestly, I would.
I mean --
I mean Auschwitz now.
I mean, today Auschwitz.
Not back when it was open.
I mean, now -- it's nice now.
There's a gift shop.
People go there on purpose.
They buy tickets.
I think that's weird...
That people
buy tickets to Auschwitz.
That's weird.
If you could have
told those people back then,
"People are going to buy tickets
to come here.
Wrap your head around that.
Jew."
That's --
All right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, never again,
I promise.
That's what we say about
the Holocaust: Never again,
'cause they killed
six million Jews.
If they only killed,
like, 10,000,
would it be like,
"Okay, two more times,
and then taper off
because it's a little much."
I'll tell you, I went
to Auschwitz --
this is a true story, I actually
did go to Auschwitz
because I was doing shows
in Poland
because I had to go
to Poland to do shows.
So...
[ Laughter and applause ]
So...
I was in Krakow.
I was in Krakow,
so I went to the camp,
and I went there because of
a very personal reason --
because I had family there,
I had a lot of family there.
Forty-four members of my family
were in Auschwitz
during World War II.
I mean, they were guards,
they worked there.
No, no, no, no.
They were Jews and they died.
It's okay.
Don't be offended.
It's true.
We lost the whole family there,
everybody --
the whole -- because we were
Hungarian Jews.
My grandfather
on my father's side,
he's the only one who made it;
the rest them, all 44 of them,
went to Auschwitz, which I think
they really regretted.
But that's --
that's what happened,
because the Hungarians sent
all their Jews to --
They didn't -- they weren't
even occupied, Hungary,
they're just like,
"Yeah, take -- take our Jews."
And they sent
my whole family there.
And they were all --
died in Auschwitz,
all except for him.
My grandfather's the only one
who made it.
Because he got
the fuck out of there
before it started --
in the late '20s,
he fucking smelled that shit
and he got the fuck out.
And he went to Mexico.
He migrated to Mexico.
And we found
his immigration card.
My uncle and I did the family
history and we found it.
It says,
"Nationality: Hungarian,"
and it says,
"Religion: Catholic."
And there's a picture
of him like.
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "Fuck it, they don't
know what a Jew looks like
in Mexico --
that's where I'm going!"
And that's why I'm alive,
because he made that choice.
It's also why I'm not Jewish,
'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo,
we're not fucking Jewish.
Somos catolicas."
That was my abuelito.
Became a fuckin' Mexican fast.
That's what happened,
that's how he made it.
Was a fascinating guy,
my grandfather.
His name was Geza.
That was his name.
And he had a brother named Geza.
It's weird, but I looked it up,
and here's what happened:
His parents had a baby and they
named it Geza,
and it died --
the baby died.
So they had another one
and they just said,
"Fuck it, Geza,
just do it again,"
because that's what it was like.
Babies died,
it was no big deal back then.
It was just like,
"Yeah, that was a shitty baby.
Let's do another one."
"Why'd your baby die?"
"Because it sucked --
Why does any baby die?
At least we found out quick.
Fuck it.
This one's good."
That's what it was like forever
until recently.
The human race
was all the good babies
and the shitty ones, pbbt!
That's just the way it worked.
It's not like that now.
Now we save every baby.
The shittier the baby,
the bigger the effort.
Because we love it, we love
saving the shitty babies.
There's always a documentary,
"Look at this baby.
He's a fucking mess.
Do you see that shit?
We're gonna save it,
make it live."
And the baby's like,
"Please don't!"
But we'd rather -- we don't like
when babies die,
we get more upset
when a baby dies.
Who knows this baby?
"Did you hear about Jeff?"
No, he was here for one day.
Nobody met him.
And then if you die when
you're old, nobody gives a shit.
They're lie, "Eh, he was here
long enough, fuck 'em."
You ever tell somebody,
like, your grandmother di--
"My grandmother died."
They're like, "I'm so sorry.
How old was she?"
"She was 98."
"Oh.
So why'd you even tell me?"
I'm 52 and I like my 50s,
I like this part of my life.
It's my favorite so far.
I'll tell you why.
Because I can still move
around pretty good.
And I don't have long to live.
I view that as a positive.
Because life
is a lot of pressure.
The more life
you have ahead of you,
the more problems you have.
Like, if you're 20,
you might have 70 years
to try not to be homeless
or alone during.
But I can -- I got
maybe 24 years left.
I can handle that, like,
that's an amount of time,
like, "Oh, yeah,
I can fucking do that.
I can cover 24 years."
And it gets easier
every year less that I have.
Like, I bought a winter coat
the other day
I was like,
"This is my last coat.
I don't need
a bunch of these.
Gets easier.
I used to -- I used
to think I have to --
I need to find a woman
who will be with me forever.
I need string of girlfriends
at this point.
Just a few more girl--
I need three women
in their 40s
to get me through my 50s,
and two in their 50s
to get me through my 60s.
And then when I'm 75,
21 years old.
That's when I'm doing that.
Twenty one,
she gets the rest of my money.
Just blow me to my grave
and keep the change.
[ Laughter ]
That's the offer on the table
for anybody who's 21
when I'm 75.
She hasn't been born yet,
but we'll see with the...
we'll see what
the new crop brings.
My French girlfriend,
she's 42, which is perfect.
She's pornographically hot,
but she's willing
to fuck this mess.
Because you -- really you
have to be over 40
to have the compassion
and the sense of humor
to fuck around...
She likes to be on top,
which I think is,
that's 'cause that's the best
that I ever look
is laying on my back
because you just -- all the skin
lays where it belongs.
Like it just drapes nicely.
I like about 49 and a half
when I'm on my back.
And if I get on top of her,
I just -- it comes off.
It comes away from the bone
like barbecued pork.
And this shit,
when you hang this,
it's all red and bumpy.
It's like the roof of a cave.
It's a nightmare.
And my tits are like
flappy triangles
with red tips.
They look like candy corn
that somebody stepped on.
But it's nice, uh...
nice having a girlfriend,
it's better than being married
because, you know,
with a girlfriend
you can switch, and, uh...
Marriage is --
fuck, that's hard.
I feel bad for people
that are in bad marriages.
That's -- if you're in
a bad marriage, by the way,
you know what you should do?
Just at stay home.
Don't make people --
just self-quarantine.
Don't make people fucking
look at you.
You know, those couples
that come over for dinner
and they're holding a gun
to each other's heads like,
"Hi, thanks for having us."
Fuck.
There's always that
awful moment at dinner.
One of them's like, "We saw
that show on Wednesday."
The other one's like,
"It wasn't Wednesday."
We're going to fucking puke
because of your life.
Oh, that's bad.
I was on an airplane one time
and a married couple came on
and they had been
sat separately.
There was some mistake.
So they're trying
to figure it out.
And the woman, she's supposed to
sit here, she comes up to me.
She says, "Would you mind moving
so I can sit with my husband?"
And he's behind her.
He's like...
And I wanted to help them,
but what am I going
to say to his wife?
Just, "No, I won't move."
Then I have to sit with her.
So I just got off the plane.
I didn't go on the trip.
I got off the plane
and it took off
and it hit
the World Trade Center.
So that was...
Yeah, that was bad.
I'll never forget that day.
Ah, fuck, that was
so unnecessary.
That was wildly unnecessary.
I dunno, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm fucking mentally ill,
I don't know...
I've been thinking about this:
I think the thing is, I think --
I think I learned too early
in my life
that when I say something
and people get angry,
I just like how that feels.
I don't know why,
but I learned it too early,
I think that's the problem.
I learned that when I was 6.
That's too young
for that kind of...
You know, I learned
all the bad words when I was 6.
I learned them all
in one day
from this old dude who hung
around our neighborhood.
I don't know if he lived there
or what,
but there this old dude
with a shitty coat
and a dark tooth
that was always walking
around my neighborhood.
And if you're a kid
walking alone,
he'd walk up and, "Hey,"
talk to you --
because it was the '70s.
You could just walk up to kids
and talk to 'em.
Now you can't even fuck 'em,
it's crazy how things are...
[ Laughter ]
Sorry.
I know it's wrong to fuck kids,
by the way,
just to be clear, I know that
fucking children is wrong.
I don't even need to be told.
I just know that it's wrong.
I would know it was wrong,
even if it was popular.
Even if people were like,
"You should fucking kids,
it's great,"
I wouldn't do it.
Even if the kids came out
to me all the time,
"You should fuck me, I like it.
I wouldn't mind at all."
I would say,
"No thank you, young man."
Even if doctors proved...
[ Laughs ]
...that it was beneficial to the
health of children to fuck them,
I wouldn't do it. I would --
I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid
to save his life.
That's...
Even even if somebody
said to me,
"If you fuck just this one kid,
then no kid will ever
get fucked ever again."
I might have to fuck that
one kid.
That might be
the right thing to do.
I'm saving all those kids.
Oh, I'm saving them all.
Not you, not you.
You're the last one.
It's hypothetically.
Anyway, so the old man
came up to me on the street
and he and he said, "Hey, do you
want to know all the bad words?
And I said,
"Yes, I think I do."
So he's like, "All right. Okay.
Fuck, shit, piss,
dick, balls, ass, cock,
diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum."
And I was like, "Oh!"
Just felt so good.
I went to school, I went right
up to my teacher, I said,
"Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls,
ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart."
And she started crying.
It's a true story.
She was like --
[ Imitates wailing ]
Started crying.
I had a boner.
I was so happy.
It was the best moment
of my life.
I had to go
to the principal's office.
He said, "Do you kiss your
mother with that mouth?"
I said, "No, but I eat her pussy
with it."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
[ Applause ]
Anyway,
relationships are tough.
That's what I'm talking about.
I used to date a woman
who was a vegan,
so I had to fuck her with my
dick substitute and, uh...
'Member when meeting
a vegan was weird?
Remember when there was like
a strange thing, like,
"Oh, what is --
what is that?"
Like, you probably met your
first vegan in the '90s.
You had like a dinner party
and somebody brought a vegan
and they said,
"Just so you know, I'm vegan,"
and you're like, "I'm sorry,
you're a vegetarian?"
And they're like, "Heh, no."
All right, what is the thing?
And they tell all the...
Huh?
Okay. Uh-huh.
Yeah, I have no food for you.
You can eat a napkin
and shit paper, I don't care.
But then you met
another vegan and you're like,
"Okay," and then -- and now
they're everywhere,
now who cares?
There's several vegans
and restaurants and whatever.
It's kind of
like gay people
sort of a similar trajectory
of growth
and acceptance in
the culture.
You know? Gay people and vegans
have a lot in common --
like, they both have to tell
their families at Thanksgiving.
That's when they have
to tell them.
And Dad gets angry.
"Your mother worked all night
cooking that turkey,
and you're telling me
you're a fucking faggot?!"
You know, it's drama.
But those are the old days,
things are better now.
I think it's pretty amazing
when you think about it.
People used to say
that being gay was wrong.
Pretty recently,
folks used to --
like, most people used to say
that being gay was wrong,
'course it's not wrong
to be gay.
I mean, it's pretty gay
but it's not wrong,
but that's what people
used to say.
And now nobody says that.
And I think
that's a positive change.
I think that's a good thing,
although I do wonder
if there are gay people
who miss when it was wrong.
Maybe there's a few
who miss when it was --
'cause wasn't it
a little more fun,
when it was like,
"This is fucking crazy."
Didn't that...
Didn't give it a little zhuzh.
A little...
I could lose my job.
Aw, fuck...
Because...
Now they're like
everybody else, which is great.
And they can get married.
That's terrific.
But is that fun to fuck
your husband at your house?
Wasn't it more fun to be
in an old nightclub
at 4:00 in the morning, like,
"I'm breaking
my mother's heart.
Oh, yeah."
I don't know, I don't even mean
just gay people,
just some people like
when sex is a little fucked up.
You know?
"Some people!"
Some people like when sex is
a little fucked up.
[ Chuckles ]
All right.
[ Laughs ]
No...
All right now, you want to talk
about this?
Should we talk about it?
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah, all right, all right.
I don't mind -- I don't mind
talking about it.
Okay. Um...
[ Laughs ]
Here's what --
I'll give you some advice.
Here's some advice
that really only I can give you.
Here's my advice:
if you ever ask somebody,
"Can I jerk off
in front of you?"
[ Scattered laughter ]
Let me finish. I mean --
[ Laughter and applause ]
I mean...
Let me finish what I'm saying!
Ah...
Ah, fuck. Okay.
If you've ever
ask somebody,
"May I jerk off
in front of you,"
and they say yes,
just say, "Are you sure?"
That's the first part.
And then if they say yes,
just don't fucking do it.
Just -- just don't do it.
'Cause, look,
whatever you're into, okay?
'Cause everybody's
got their thing.
Whatever your thing is,
I don't know.
You all have your thing.
I don't know what your thing is.
You're so fucking lucky that I
don't know what you're thing is.
Do you understand how lucky
you are
that people
don't know your fucking thing?
'Cause everybody knows
my thing.
Everybody knows
my fucking thing now.
Obama knows my thing.
Do you understand
how that feels?
To know that Obama was like,
"Good lord!"
Everybody in the world
knows my thing.
I got on an airplane in Italy,
this little kid was like,
"Mama, that's the guy who jerk
off in front of the people!"
So whatever your thing is,
I don't know what it is,
maybe you can't cum unless
you have
your father on speaker phone,
whatever it is.
If you want to do it with
somebody else,
you need to ask first,
but if they say yes,
you still don't get to just go,
"Whoo!"
And charge ahead --
gotta check in often.
I guess that's what I would say.
Check in, because it's not
always clear how people feel.
Like, men are taught to make
sure the woman is okay.
But the thing is,
women know how to seem okay
when they're not okay.
So you can't just look
at her face be like,
"Yeah, her eyes are dry.
We're fine.
We'll just keep going" --
You gotta check in.
'Cause sex -- communication,
during sex
can be very confusing,
like, sometimes,
you're with a woman,
you're having sex,
she's making noises,
she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh."
And you're like,
"Oh, she loves it."
Not necessarily.
Sometimes they're making
those noises
just to get through it,
because it's easier
to go, "Ooh,"
than to say,
"I hate how you fuck me.
Honestly, it's awful."
So she goes, "Ooh, baby!"
It's kind of like
a Negro spiritual,
it's sort of similar.
So to assume that she likes
it is like
if they heard slaves singing
in the fields, and they're like,
"Hey, you're having
a great time out there!"
[ Laughter ]
As far as my thing --
I dunno what the fuck...
People are like, "Why do you
want to do it anyway?"
Okay, oh, no.
I like jerking off,
I don't like being alone.
That's all I can tell you.
I -- I get lonely!
"Where is everyone?"
It's just sad.
I like company.
I like to share.
I'm good at it, too.
If you're good at juggling,
you wouldn't do it alone
in the dark.
You would gather folks
and amaze them.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, that's all I'm going to
say about that shit.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
Well...
[ Chuckles ]
Let me ask you a question.
You ever wonder
how many people
ever fucked your mom?
We're almost done.
You're doing great.
This is important to me.
You ever look at your mom
and go, like,
"Mom, how many dicks?
Just how many?"
I lost my mom.
So those are the things
I don't know.
So I'm curious.
I don't feel like a lot of dudes
fucked my mom.
Not 'cause she's, like, pure,
because, like, I don't think so.
But I hope it was
as many as she wanted.
That's what I hope --
I hope she got all the dicks
she ever dreamed of
because I loved her.
I hope at the end,
my mom was like,
"That with plenty of dicks.
Whew-hoo!"
But I'll never know --
because you don't know your mom.
That's the truth -- you don't
really know your mother.
You feel like you know her,
but you know what she told you.
She didn't tell you shit.
You don't tell
your kids your life.
What did your mother tell you?
"I won a swimming medal
when I was 12."
She didn't tell you, like,
"I used to fuck this guy at
work, it was amazing."
She didn't tell you that.
Think about your mom's life
story as she told it to you.
There's huge holes
in that story.
"Well, I graduated when I was 22
and then I met your father
when I was 35."
"Feels like a lot of dicks would
fit right in there, Mom."
You know those movies
where you're --
where a mother and a daughter
switch bodies.
You ever seen a movie like --
it's always like,
"Freaky Friday," some Disney
comedy where a mother
and a daughter switch bodies
and then they're like, "Whoa!"
Then they have to water ski
and be in a rock band together.
And then they switch back
and they know each other better.
That's the formula
I think they should make it
another one of those movies.
But it should be
about a mother
who switches bodies
with her son.
But it's not a comedy,
it's a drama --
like a medical affliction.
They're upset the whole time.
She's in the bathroom
in the morning,
"I'm holding my son's penis.
It's confusing."
And her son is in
her body, he's like,
"I don't want to be
my mommy anymore.
I don't like how it feels."
And his dad comes home
and he starts fucking 'im.
"Oh, God!
What's happening now?
I don't like this,
but I don't want to say no
to my dad."
And then
at the end of the movie,
they never switch back.
[ Laughter ]
You guys were great, thank you
very much for coming tonight.
It was a pleasure talking
to you.
Get home safe.
Thank you very, very much.
Goodnight.
[ Cheering and applause ]
C.K.! C.K.!
[ Whooping ]
Louis! Louis!
[ More join ]
Louis! Louis! Louis!
Louis! Louis! Louis!
Louis! Louis! Louis!
[ Chanting stops ]
[ Indistinct shouts ]
[ Shrill whistle ]
[ Indistinct chatter ]
[ Scattered cheering
and applause ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you.
Sit down, please. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thanks.
Nice to, uh...
All right.
Nice to see you all.
Thanks for coming.
I've been thinking
about you all day.
How are you? How -- how was your
last couple of years?
[ Laughter ]
How...
How was 2018 and '19
for you guys?
[ Laughter ]
Anybody else getting
global amounts of trouble,
anybody else...
[ Laughs, groans ]
Fuck!
[ Cheering and applause ]
That was crazy...
Man, I was in a lot of trou--
Wait till they see those
pictures of me in blackface.
That's gonna to be...
That's going to make it
a lot worse.
Because there is a lot of those,
there's thousands of pictures
of me in blackface.
I can't stop doing it, I just...
I like it, I like how it feels.
[ Laughter ]
Fuck, man, that was...
You know what?
I learned a lot.
I learned a lot -- I learned
how to eat alone in a restaurant
with people giving me the finger
from across the room.
[ Laughter ]
When you get in trouble,
you learn who
your real friends are.
It's true -- people like saying
that like that's a good thing.
Who the fuck wants to know
who their real friends are?
You don't want to know that.
Believe me,
you don't want to know.
It's never who
you want it to be.
It's not your cool friends
and it's not your fun friends.
It's your real friends.
"I'm here for you."
I fucking know that.
I have this friend,
she's the best person I know,
but I sometimes want
to punch her in the face
because she's so nice --
because I'm not
a good person.
Like, I'll tell her something
I'm having problems with,
and she'll say, "I'm going
to pray on that for you."
[ Groans ]
I have a feeling when she prays,
God's like, "Ugh!
Fuck!
This one makes me want
to get out of the business."
You guys think there's a God?
How many --
How many of you, by applause,
believe there is a God.
How many people?
[ Cheering and applause ]
All right. About 30
out of 1,400.
That's nice. That's nice.
That shit's over.
It's just fucking over.
You go into a church, it's like
going to a roller skating rink
on a Wednesday,
it's like...
"This used to be something!
What happened?"
I don't know.
I don't think there's a God.
And that's not a conviction.
I just don't suppose.
I just -- I just
reckon there ain't.
I reckon there ain't no lord.
[ Laughter ]
And because I don't believe
there's a God,
I fucking hope
there's not a God.
I fuckin' hope --
Oh, please!
If you don't believe in God,
you better fucking hope --
you better get on your knees
and pray.
Please, God, don't be.
'Cause that's a bad thing to be
wrong about.
That's a bad wrong.
You're an atheist your
whole life and you die
and you're like, "Aw, fuck!
Aw, you're shitting --
with a beard and everything.
Fuck! Aww...
Hey, I --
I dunno...
Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep."
Being wrong the other way is not
a big problem.
If you believe in God
and you're wrong,
you don't really have a problem.
It gives you a little comfort
during your stupid life.
And then at the end, you're just
seriously disappointed
for like a second -- it's the
last feeling you get to have.
You die, you're like,
"Nothing?
Seriously?
Nothing?"
"Yeah, just get in the Dumpster.
Sorry."
[ Laughter ]
"Sorry, you're just
garbage now."
If you don't believe in God,
that's what you believe --
that when you die,
you're just garbage.
You are your family's
newest garbage.
My mom died last year
and we asked her, like,
"What do you want," like,
before she died, we didn't --
We didn't ask her at --
"Ma! Ma!
Fuck!"
I asked my mom
what we wanted --
what she wanted to do
with her body.
And she said,
"Just burn it."
That's what she said:
Burn it.
What, in the yard with leaves?
What the fuck?
She didn't want a funeral,
no pageantry, nothing.
So she booked it herself.
That was her last act
as an American consumer.
She went online
with a credit card
and she booked
her own cremation.
It's true -- at a place called
Boston Crematorium.
Just this place that burns
bums and dogs all day.
They just folded my mom
into the workload.
We didn't even know,
just this guy showed up.
"I'm here for your ma."
"All right, Sully,
she's in there."
And he went in there
to prepare her.
My sisters are waiting
in the hall
and he was in there for a while.
[ Laughter ]
I didn't say anything.
I'm just...
Saying he was in there
with my mom for a long time.
That's all I'm saying.
And also that I was worried
he was fucking
my dead mother.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, then he brought
her out in a kind of a nice bag
and... and he put her
in a van.
Just a -- his van.
It's like a '98 Ford Windstar
with a bottle of red Gatorade
rolling around in the back.
It's the last time I saw my mom.
[ Laughter ]
That's what she wanted.
[ Laughter ]
She didn't believe
in this God shit.
Just didn't.
I was talking to my friend
the other day about Jesus...
uh, Christ,
and, um...
I don't remember why,
but I happened to mention
that Jesus was Jewish
and my friend said, "He was?"
And I said, Yeah.
Jesus was Jewish.
And he said,
"I don't think so."
And I said, that's okay,
it already all happened.
Doesn't matter where you think.
But he'd argued with me.
He was like, "Dude,
Jesus couldn't be Jewish.
Think about it."
I'm like, "You fucking think
about it, you idiot.
What d-- What was he then?
You're...
What, was he Presbyterian?
What was he?
Catholic?
Okay, Jesus was Catholic
and he had
a gold chain with a cross.
And when they nailed him up,
he was like,
"Oh, that's why we have those!"
[ Laughter ]
"That finally makes sense.
I didn't even know.
Oh, fuck, that's me!
I'm the little guy on it!"
[ Laughter ]
Every religion has
a strange story or a rule
that doesn't make sense to me.
You know, like every time
there's a terrorist act,
they always tell you
on the news
about how they believe
they're all going to heaven.
And every guy
who does a jihad thing
and he gets 72 virgins,
that's right.
That's the story,
always 72 virgins.
Which, first of all,
who are those women?
Who are the 72 virgins?
Does God have to kill
72 nice girls?
"All right, ladies, uh,
the good news
is you're going to heaven.
The weird news..."
[ Laughter ]
Or does God just make 'em
fresh like farm raised salmon?
He just whips up 72 women.
"All right. Nobody fuck these.
I'm saving them for that guy."
It's a weird concept.
You get your own 72 virgins
for all eternity.
First of all, they're only
virgins when you first get them.
Once you start fucking them,
it's over.
After a week, he's like,
"I only have three left."
"And 69 whores."
That has to be one of the more
confusing moments in God's life
when he's handing off 72 virgins
to some guy who just blew up
a bus in Tel Aviv,
and he's like,
"All right. Uh...
The fuck am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.
I need a drink."
I'm curious about God.
I'm curious about his life.
I'm curious
about God's existence.
What's that like to be God?
You know, we don't know
anything about him.
I think one reason people
don't believe in him,
because we don't have
a sense of God
because he doesn't say
anything anymore.
Used to talk all the time,
used to go up to people on
the street, "Hey!"
[ Gibberish ]
Writing on the rocks --
"Look at that! Do it!"
And it was conf--
Everybody's like,
trying to figure it out.
And then for 2,000 years,
he just --
"Mm, meh."
Nothing! Says nothing!
And everybody's fighting.
He could clear a lot of shit up
with a five-minute
press conference.
If God spoke for five minutes,
he'd solve a lot of problems.
He'd just show up, "All right,
everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord.
Okay, real quick.
First of all, Mormons,
just: no.
[ Laughter and applause ]
What is that? Just go home.
Also, Jews with the little
things, what the fuck?
I don't know...
Put a hat on or don't,
nobody gives a shit.
This is weird.
I hate these. I hate them.
I sent everybody with
one of those to hell every day.
I do. It's just my thing.
Just so you know.
Do what you want,
but that's where you're going.
Now, you know.
Also, I don't care
who you fuck.
I don't care.
It never mattered.
It was Adam and Eve and Steve.
They were all fucking
each other.
I was jerking off to it.
It was a great time.
So it's not an issue for me.
I don't know why it is for you.
Have fun and use all the holes,
that's what I say.
Also, you're supposed
to fuck the animals.
That's why I made them!
Why are you not
fucking the animals?!
There's only like 30,000
of you fucking the animals.
What are the rest of you --
You're eating them?!
That's disgusting!
What is wrong with you?
How could you eat
a perfectly fuckable pig."
[ Laughter ]
Sayeth the Lord.
Well, it's nice to be
in Washington, D.C.,
where --
I was born here.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I like it here, 'cause
I like any city, I like cities.
I don't like cities
that are too advanced.
You know,
I was in Zurich.
And they have so much sh--
you know, they're like,
"Here's the bike, you want
a bicycle? It's yours.
Just have it, it's nice."
And they have the garbage
with the eight fuckin' holes
of different shapes -- it's
like an IQ test for a monkey.
I don't know what the fuck.
There's one hole has a picture
of a cup, and the next one
is a picture of a cup
that's a little different.
I'm standing there with a dead
baby,
I don't know where I'm
supposed to...
What am I suppose to do
with that?
It doesn't go in
the newspapers slot,
but otherwise, I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
I like cities,
I don't like little places.
When I go to Europe,
I go to the big cities.
Everybody tells you,
"Don't go to Madrid.
Yeah. Just go to Madrid
for like a day.
And then you got to take a train
and you have to go to
[ Gibberish ]
It's a beautiful
little old village
and you're gonna love it."
Fuck you, you don't know me.
I'm not going to love
a village
in Europe
with a bell that goes "pang,"
like, whenever,
and a dog walking alone.
I don't like cute little places.
I don't like little towns
in America either,
with little shops.
"Oh, look at that little shop!
Let's go in that little shop."
Nah, let's get a divorce.
Isn't that a better idea?
You go in there,
I'll just walk away.
Just tell the kids I was a pilot
and I got shot down.
I don't like little shops.
I'm uncomfortable
in a little shop.
You go in, it's like,
"cli-li-ling-ling,
cli-li-ling."
Now it's just you and her.
You're surrounded by her dream.
And you can't just, "Ugh!"
and leave!
Well, you...
She saw you, you have to go
all the way in now
and look at all
the little crafts that she made.
[ Laughter ]
[ Exasperated sigh ]
You made this?
Really?
You made this
instead of killing yourself?
[ Laughter ]
I fucking wish I was
that mean.
I really do.
All my fantasies are about
being mean,
just having the balls
to, like, walk in a little store
like that and just go like,
"Oh, I don't like this at all.
I don't like it in here.
Unh-uh.
What's your name? Debbie?
Fuck you, Debbie.
I don't like your store.
I was in Florida recently,
I don't like Florida at all,
it's a shit state full of shit
people, that's what I think.
Hate Florida. I hate it.
I hate the whole thing.
The whole -- the entire --
it looks like --
it doesn't look like a dick.
People say that; it looks
like a shit coming out.
If you look at it, it's like
America's ass,
and it's a shit that's just --
that you're trying to...
And there's a little --
Cuba's like a little --
Pbbt! That came first.
That's what I think of Florida.
Every time there's a hurricane,
I'm like,
"Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all,
Melissa!"
No, I don't mean any of that.
I was just funnin'.
Just fun to pretend.
I was in a sushi
restaurant in Florida.
And it was empty --
you ever go in a restaurant
and it's open,
but it's --
you're literally
the only person in there.
You walk in, the staff is like
sitting at the tables, you know,
and you walk in,
you're like, "Are you open?"
They're like, "Yeah."
And you go, "Oh, good."
And you -- and they're like,
"Aww, pfft!
We gotta fire up the whole
fuckin' restaurant
for this one guy now?"
So I ordered a lot of sushi
because I felt bad
for wasting their time,
and, um...
And I --
I didn't eat most of it
because I don't like sushi.
And, um -- so the waitress
comes over.
She's Japanese and she says,
"You no finish?"
Which is what she said.
I'm not...
It's just what she said,
I can't...
I'm not gonna change what
she fucking said.
I'm not gonna lie to ya
and say that
she said, "You're not
going to finish that,"
because it doesn't happen
to be what she said.
And I have to do the accent
because it's weird
if I tell you she said,
"You no finish?"
So I'm stuck.
I'm just telling you
what happened.
She said, "You no finish?"
"Whoo, you no finish!"
[ Gibberish ]
That's exactly what she said.
It's a perfect replica.
No, it was subtle.
She said, "You no finish?"
And I said,
"No, I no finish."
Because I think that's --
I think it's polite
to repeat people's
bad English to them.
Otherwise, you're being a dick,
it's like, "You no finish?"
No, I am not going to finish.
[ Laughter ]
You left out a lot of words.
I took the liberty
of restoring them.
I was in upstate New York
in a small town,
and I was standing
in front of a drugstore.
And in the window
of the drugstore,
they had a wheelchair
on display in the window.
Is that really
an impulse purchase?
"Hmm...
I should get a wheelchair.
That would really help
with my paralysis.
Then I wouldn't have to
drag myself
everywhere I go
like I've been doing for
10 years
since my legs were blown off
at the marathon."
[ Scattered laughter
and groans ]
Okay. Okay.
Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites,
apparently,
because let me point
somethin' out to you.
Let me point somethin' out to
you motherfuckers.
You are just, like, seconds ago,
laughing at a man with no legs
crawling on the ground.
You're just --
[ Imitates laughter ]
And then at the end,
you're like,
"Oh, but not those
particular legless people.
No!
We thought you meant
just some asshole
with a childhood disease
who deserves to be laughed at.
Not one of those."
No, we're laughing
at all legless people equally.
However you lost your legs:
Ha-ha-ha,
you haven't legs.
And we've legs.
I have legs -- I have two legs.
Two fucking legs --
that's the maximum amount.
Fuckin' love having two legs.
I fucking love it.
I wouldn't like having no legs.
I really don't think
I would like it.
I think it would suck.
I think would suck shit
out of the balls of Christ.
It's an old Southern expression,
it's not....
Used like it used to be.
I think two legs
is better than none.
That's what I think.
That's just my opinion.
It's not popular.
You're not supposed to say that
because you're supposed to
always be very positive
about disabled people.
But I think that puts pressure
on them to be positive.
What if they don't want to be?
Because the only story
we want to hear is about
the amazing disabled people --
"He's amazing."
"He lost his legs, then he won
the leg having contest."
What about disabled people
who aren't amazing,
who are just ordinary
with a sweatshirt
and some potato chips,
and he's going,
"Fuck, I wish I had legs."
"No!
No, this is better!
It's better with no legs."
"Why is it better?"
Because you can do anything now.
I can do four things.
Fuck off.
I just don't know
that our positive non-disabled
attitude really helps.
Like retarded people -- let's --
we're gonna talk about
retarded people for 20 minutes.
Just -- that's what's
gonna happen.
We're going to discuss
retarded people
for 20 minutes.
It's not okay to not --
never speak of them.
No, we're gonna talk about them.
First of all, I want --
mostly I wanna talk about
the word "retarded."
Okay? Because the word retarded,
it's a bad word
and people do not like
the word retarded,
they find it very offensive.
Now, I'm a little confused
by this
because it wasn't always
a bad word.
And I grew up in the '70s
and it wasn't bad back then.
And you most bad words
were always bad, you know.
"Cunt" never had
a day in the sun.
There was never a...
a time where the Santa Clause
of the mall was like,
"C'mere, you little cunt.
Tell me what you want
for Christmas."
And then in the '90s,
we're like,
"Let's lay off of 'cunt'
a little bit there, gang."
No, the word --
we used the word retarded
in the '70s,
we used it to identify
people who were retarded.
[ Laughter ]
It wasn't controversial,
it wasn't like --
[ Whispering ]
"He's retarded."
It was like, "He is retarded."
This fellow right here
is retarded, right?
I told you, yes,
you're still retarded.
He is retarded,
everyone.
And I grew up in Boston.
We didn't say
"retarded" in Boston.
[ Non-rhotic ]
We said "re-tah-ded."
"He's re-tah-ded."
"God bless him,
he's fuckin' re-tah-ded."
[ Laughter ]
That's the way we used it!
With love: help the retarded.
That's what people said
in the '70s.
"Help the retarded."
There was a lady outside
the supermarket near my house
every Christmas with a bell,
she was like,
"Help the retarded!
Help the fucking retarded!"
You gonna tell me
she was a bad person?
She was helpin'
the retarded.
And I feel like we had
more of them around back then.
I haven't seen one in years.
In the '70s, there was
a retarded guy in a windbreaker
on every street corner.
They -- we were using the word
and they were more in our lives.
I swear to God, they were more.
They were in our culture.
There was TV movies about
retarded people all the time.
"Tonight on ABC,
'A Retarded Boy's Dream'."
There was one I remember
with Shaun Cassidy,
I don't know if you remember
Shaun Cassidy,
some of you are too young,
but Shaun Cassidy,
he began his career
as a teen pop idol.
He was a 13 year old boy
with a very hit song
called "Da Doo Ron Ron."
And he had feathered blond hair
and juicy lips.
He was on the cover
of Teen Beat magazine, like...
And everybody likes
Shaun Cassidy
'cause he was sexy.
Was a sexy boy.
I thought he was sexy.
I -- I thought he was
really sexy.
I was six years old,
but I already had inappropriate
sex feelings
for teenage boys when I was six.
I was an old soul.
I was --
[ Laughter ]
I was a pedophile
when I was six.
I used to go up to teenage boys
when I was six,
I was like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
That kid's weird,
he's got a boner.
Anyway..
Not anymore,
I outgrew it,
but, uh...
No.
I'm not -- I'm not sexually
attracted to teenage boys.
I'm not. I'm not.
But I don't not get it.
I mean, I --
I get it.
I'm not like, "What?!"
Like...
You can see it.
Like, I was in an airport once
and I'm walking along where
people walk in the airport,
and there was these chairs
facing the aisle,
and there is this family
sitting there,
a mom and a dad
and two teenage boys.
And they're, like, just both
sitting with their phones
with their legs --
they were wearing, like,
these shorts --
one had cutoff shorts
and one had basketball shorts.
And they both just had
their legs open
'cause they don't give a fuck,
both legs just splayed.
And then just this --
just smooth.
You know, just very...
And I saw it.
Didn't give me a --
didn't do anything to me,
but I kind of wanted to stop
and go,
"Hey, fellows, let's --
let's close that shit up, huh?
You're not getting me,
but I know you're causing
a problem
for somebody in this airport.
Let's close it up."
I did not say that...
Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
Anyway, let's return to
the comfortable subject
of retarded people, shall we?
[ Laughter ]
So Shaun Cassidy:
Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer
who then grew up --
he was about 18 --
he was, you know, old and gross.
nobody wanted to fuck him.
So he started to act,
and he had
a movie on TV
called "Normal People,"
where he played
a retarded man
who wants to live
a normal life --
it was very inspiring, actually.
And at one point he goes to --
he didn't do, like,
a big retarded character.
He wore thick glasses,
he talked like Elmer Fudd.
That was the whole thing.
So he goes up to the guy
who runs the group home
he lives in and he says,
"I want to get a job."
And the guys who runs it
is like,
you know, Republican,
conservative.
So he's like,
"You can get a job,
you're retarded!"
You know.
But -- but then there's
a liberal lady who works there
and she says, "Of course
he can get a job.
He's as good as anyone!"
So they let him get a job
as an air traffic controller
or whatever was available.
And then...
He meets a woman
who's also retarded,
who lives at the group home.
He falls in love with her.
It's a very nice love story.
And he says,
"We want to get married."
And the guy says, "Brr!"
She says, "But they're in love!"
So they get married.
And then one day he says,
"We want to have a baby."
And the liberal lady says,
"No fucking way."
And they just
shut them down right there.
And that's the end of the movie.
I swear to God,
that's just how it ends.
And the point of the movie
is just, you know,
hey, there's a limit --
like, that's, I guess,
what the point of it was.
And that's pretty intense.
But, hey, retarded people
were on television,
we were talking about it,
we were dealing with it --
and they said the word retarded
about 50,000 times in the movie.
Now, we don't say the word
and I don't see 'em anywhere.
I guess that's
my problem with it.
And also, the word is not
basically a bad word.
It's a medical term,
but it became a bad word
because it's used as an insult,
really --
not towards
retarded people.
Nobody does that.
Nobody calls retarded people
retarded to insult them.
What would be
the point of that?
That would be like going up
to a chair
and saying,
"You're fuckin chair!"
Like, what are you doing?
No.
People use it
on their friends,
like, you're at a bar,
your friend's like,
"I don't have any more money
for beer,"
and you're like, "You're fucking
retarded, you know that?"
And in that moment,
no one retarded is insulted.
They're not. Do you know why?
Because they're not there!
'Cause we don't include them
in our lives.
They're not at the bar --
How many of you have
a retarded drinking buddy
that you hang out with?
No, you take 'em to the zoo
when they're little him
and then fuck 'em.
This is what I find confusing
about this thing,
is that we told many generations
of people
that they are retarded.
We told them that that's what
they are and they lived with it,
and they dealt with it, and then
we just decided it's a bad word.
So did we tell them this?
Did we go back to them
and explain this to them?
"Listen, Nelson, I have
somethin' to tell you,
you're not retarded anymore."
"You mean I'm cured?"
[ Laughing ]
"No! No, no.
Nah, we're not
even working on it."
[ Sighs ]
Anyway, I've been traveling.
[ Laughter ]
I went to France last year
because I thought
I should leave the nation --
felt like a good idea.
Would have left the planet if
they had another one of those.
But...
When I went to France,
I had a great time.
I fell in love. I met a woman.
I fell in love in France.
And we've been together
since then.
It's been nice.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah, okay, it's nice having
a girlfriend
from another country because you
learn a lot about that country.
I learn a lot about France
from being with her.
I never knew these things
about -- like, one time
she was sick, and I was taking
care of her,
so I gave her --
she had a fever.
I gave her a thermometer
and she put it in her asshole.
[ Laughter ]
Never seen that before;
turns out the whole country,
all of France, puts thermometers
in their assholes.
And they don't put
their eggs in the fridge.
They have no respect for
temperature in either direction.
I'd never -- I was like,
why are you putting it
in your asshole?
She said, "You don't do this?
You don't put here
in America?"
I said, "No, we don't put
a glass thermometer
filled with mercury
in our anuses...
You fucking savage."
Well, we do it to babies
and dogs
'cause they can't talk.
Every American baby's
first words is,
"Get that fucking thing
out of my asshole."
You ever take
your dog's temperature?
You have to hold
your dog's ass still,
and then you slip it in there
and your dog looks to you like,
"Why would you do that?!
Why would you do that to me?!"
And you're like, "I could never
explain it to you,
but I need to hold it here
for 60 seconds."
Dogs are so dumb,
it's fucking tragic.
It's sad how dumb
they are.
They're in our lives
and they know nothing
about what's happening.
You ever been having, like,
a dramatic
moment in your family,
like, you're in the living room
telling the kids
that grandma died,
and everybody's crying,
and the dog's sitting there
like...
[ Chuckling ]
"I know you! Ha!"
They're so stupid!
Incredibly stupid animals.
They don't even know their own
lives, they don't even --
they can't even handle
their own lives mentally.
You ever throw a ball
for your dog
and your dog gets the ball
and brings it,
and then you
throw the ball again,
and the dog brings it.
And then one of the times
you throw the ball,
the dog looks at you like,
"I didn't see what happened.
I'm sorry, I...
I don't know anything now.
Please help."
So you point at the ball,
"There it is, right there.
It's right there."
And the dog just looks
at your finger
'cause there's just no way
he's gonna get this concept
that there's
an invisible line...
...that he can follow
with his imagination.
I have a great dog.
I've got a dog last year.
She's a great dog.
I did not adopt her, I'll be
honest with you.
I bought her with money.
That's the truth.
People always ask me
when I walk my dog in New York,
"That's a beautiful dog.
Is she a rescue?"
I'm like,
"No, she's very expensive.
Please don't touch her."
[ Laughter ]
I did rescue a dog last year,
and it bit everyone
in my life,
so I un-rescued it,
and I bought a dog that works.
In New York, everybody rescues
their dogs,
like, "I rescued this dog.
I rescued her.
She has no eyes
and she's dead.
I hate New York, I really do --
I used to love New York,
but I hate it now,
I really --
I'd rather be in Auschwitz than
in New York City.
Honestly, I would.
I mean --
I mean Auschwitz now.
I mean, today Auschwitz.
Not back when it was open.
I mean, now -- it's nice now.
There's a gift shop.
People go there on purpose.
They buy tickets.
I think that's weird...
That people
buy tickets to Auschwitz.
That's weird.
If you could have
told those people back then,
"People are going to buy tickets
to come here.
Wrap your head around that.
Jew."
That's --
All right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, never again,
I promise.
That's what we say about
the Holocaust: Never again,
'cause they killed
six million Jews.
If they only killed,
like, 10,000,
would it be like,
"Okay, two more times,
and then taper off
because it's a little much."
I'll tell you, I went
to Auschwitz --
this is a true story, I actually
did go to Auschwitz
because I was doing shows
in Poland
because I had to go
to Poland to do shows.
So...
[ Laughter and applause ]
So...
I was in Krakow.
I was in Krakow,
so I went to the camp,
and I went there because of
a very personal reason --
because I had family there,
I had a lot of family there.
Forty-four members of my family
were in Auschwitz
during World War II.
I mean, they were guards,
they worked there.
No, no, no, no.
They were Jews and they died.
It's okay.
Don't be offended.
It's true.
We lost the whole family there,
everybody --
the whole -- because we were
Hungarian Jews.
My grandfather
on my father's side,
he's the only one who made it;
the rest them, all 44 of them,
went to Auschwitz, which I think
they really regretted.
But that's --
that's what happened,
because the Hungarians sent
all their Jews to --
They didn't -- they weren't
even occupied, Hungary,
they're just like,
"Yeah, take -- take our Jews."
And they sent
my whole family there.
And they were all --
died in Auschwitz,
all except for him.
My grandfather's the only one
who made it.
Because he got
the fuck out of there
before it started --
in the late '20s,
he fucking smelled that shit
and he got the fuck out.
And he went to Mexico.
He migrated to Mexico.
And we found
his immigration card.
My uncle and I did the family
history and we found it.
It says,
"Nationality: Hungarian,"
and it says,
"Religion: Catholic."
And there's a picture
of him like.
[ Laughter ]
He's like, "Fuck it, they don't
know what a Jew looks like
in Mexico --
that's where I'm going!"
And that's why I'm alive,
because he made that choice.
It's also why I'm not Jewish,
'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo,
we're not fucking Jewish.
Somos catolicas."
That was my abuelito.
Became a fuckin' Mexican fast.
That's what happened,
that's how he made it.
Was a fascinating guy,
my grandfather.
His name was Geza.
That was his name.
And he had a brother named Geza.
It's weird, but I looked it up,
and here's what happened:
His parents had a baby and they
named it Geza,
and it died --
the baby died.
So they had another one
and they just said,
"Fuck it, Geza,
just do it again,"
because that's what it was like.
Babies died,
it was no big deal back then.
It was just like,
"Yeah, that was a shitty baby.
Let's do another one."
"Why'd your baby die?"
"Because it sucked --
Why does any baby die?
At least we found out quick.
Fuck it.
This one's good."
That's what it was like forever
until recently.
The human race
was all the good babies
and the shitty ones, pbbt!
That's just the way it worked.
It's not like that now.
Now we save every baby.
The shittier the baby,
the bigger the effort.
Because we love it, we love
saving the shitty babies.
There's always a documentary,
"Look at this baby.
He's a fucking mess.
Do you see that shit?
We're gonna save it,
make it live."
And the baby's like,
"Please don't!"
But we'd rather -- we don't like
when babies die,
we get more upset
when a baby dies.
Who knows this baby?
"Did you hear about Jeff?"
No, he was here for one day.
Nobody met him.
And then if you die when
you're old, nobody gives a shit.
They're lie, "Eh, he was here
long enough, fuck 'em."
You ever tell somebody,
like, your grandmother di--
"My grandmother died."
They're like, "I'm so sorry.
How old was she?"
"She was 98."
"Oh.
So why'd you even tell me?"
I'm 52 and I like my 50s,
I like this part of my life.
It's my favorite so far.
I'll tell you why.
Because I can still move
around pretty good.
And I don't have long to live.
I view that as a positive.
Because life
is a lot of pressure.
The more life
you have ahead of you,
the more problems you have.
Like, if you're 20,
you might have 70 years
to try not to be homeless
or alone during.
But I can -- I got
maybe 24 years left.
I can handle that, like,
that's an amount of time,
like, "Oh, yeah,
I can fucking do that.
I can cover 24 years."
And it gets easier
every year less that I have.
Like, I bought a winter coat
the other day
I was like,
"This is my last coat.
I don't need
a bunch of these.
Gets easier.
I used to -- I used
to think I have to --
I need to find a woman
who will be with me forever.
I need string of girlfriends
at this point.
Just a few more girl--
I need three women
in their 40s
to get me through my 50s,
and two in their 50s
to get me through my 60s.
And then when I'm 75,
21 years old.
That's when I'm doing that.
Twenty one,
she gets the rest of my money.
Just blow me to my grave
and keep the change.
[ Laughter ]
That's the offer on the table
for anybody who's 21
when I'm 75.
She hasn't been born yet,
but we'll see with the...
we'll see what
the new crop brings.
My French girlfriend,
she's 42, which is perfect.
She's pornographically hot,
but she's willing
to fuck this mess.
Because you -- really you
have to be over 40
to have the compassion
and the sense of humor
to fuck around...
She likes to be on top,
which I think is,
that's 'cause that's the best
that I ever look
is laying on my back
because you just -- all the skin
lays where it belongs.
Like it just drapes nicely.
I like about 49 and a half
when I'm on my back.
And if I get on top of her,
I just -- it comes off.
It comes away from the bone
like barbecued pork.
And this shit,
when you hang this,
it's all red and bumpy.
It's like the roof of a cave.
It's a nightmare.
And my tits are like
flappy triangles
with red tips.
They look like candy corn
that somebody stepped on.
But it's nice, uh...
nice having a girlfriend,
it's better than being married
because, you know,
with a girlfriend
you can switch, and, uh...
Marriage is --
fuck, that's hard.
I feel bad for people
that are in bad marriages.
That's -- if you're in
a bad marriage, by the way,
you know what you should do?
Just at stay home.
Don't make people --
just self-quarantine.
Don't make people fucking
look at you.
You know, those couples
that come over for dinner
and they're holding a gun
to each other's heads like,
"Hi, thanks for having us."
Fuck.
There's always that
awful moment at dinner.
One of them's like, "We saw
that show on Wednesday."
The other one's like,
"It wasn't Wednesday."
We're going to fucking puke
because of your life.
Oh, that's bad.
I was on an airplane one time
and a married couple came on
and they had been
sat separately.
There was some mistake.
So they're trying
to figure it out.
And the woman, she's supposed to
sit here, she comes up to me.
She says, "Would you mind moving
so I can sit with my husband?"
And he's behind her.
He's like...
And I wanted to help them,
but what am I going
to say to his wife?
Just, "No, I won't move."
Then I have to sit with her.
So I just got off the plane.
I didn't go on the trip.
I got off the plane
and it took off
and it hit
the World Trade Center.
So that was...
Yeah, that was bad.
I'll never forget that day.
Ah, fuck, that was
so unnecessary.
That was wildly unnecessary.
I dunno, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm fucking mentally ill,
I don't know...
I've been thinking about this:
I think the thing is, I think --
I think I learned too early
in my life
that when I say something
and people get angry,
I just like how that feels.
I don't know why,
but I learned it too early,
I think that's the problem.
I learned that when I was 6.
That's too young
for that kind of...
You know, I learned
all the bad words when I was 6.
I learned them all
in one day
from this old dude who hung
around our neighborhood.
I don't know if he lived there
or what,
but there this old dude
with a shitty coat
and a dark tooth
that was always walking
around my neighborhood.
And if you're a kid
walking alone,
he'd walk up and, "Hey,"
talk to you --
because it was the '70s.
You could just walk up to kids
and talk to 'em.
Now you can't even fuck 'em,
it's crazy how things are...
[ Laughter ]
Sorry.
I know it's wrong to fuck kids,
by the way,
just to be clear, I know that
fucking children is wrong.
I don't even need to be told.
I just know that it's wrong.
I would know it was wrong,
even if it was popular.
Even if people were like,
"You should fucking kids,
it's great,"
I wouldn't do it.
Even if the kids came out
to me all the time,
"You should fuck me, I like it.
I wouldn't mind at all."
I would say,
"No thank you, young man."
Even if doctors proved...
[ Laughs ]
...that it was beneficial to the
health of children to fuck them,
I wouldn't do it. I would --
I would -- I wouldn't fuck a kid
to save his life.
That's...
Even even if somebody
said to me,
"If you fuck just this one kid,
then no kid will ever
get fucked ever again."
I might have to fuck that
one kid.
That might be
the right thing to do.
I'm saving all those kids.
Oh, I'm saving them all.
Not you, not you.
You're the last one.
It's hypothetically.
Anyway, so the old man
came up to me on the street
and he and he said, "Hey, do you
want to know all the bad words?
And I said,
"Yes, I think I do."
So he's like, "All right. Okay.
Fuck, shit, piss,
dick, balls, ass, cock,
diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum."
And I was like, "Oh!"
Just felt so good.
I went to school, I went right
up to my teacher, I said,
"Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls,
ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart."
And she started crying.
It's a true story.
She was like --
[ Imitates wailing ]
Started crying.
I had a boner.
I was so happy.
It was the best moment
of my life.
I had to go
to the principal's office.
He said, "Do you kiss your
mother with that mouth?"
I said, "No, but I eat her pussy
with it."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
Yeah!
[ Applause ]
Anyway,
relationships are tough.
That's what I'm talking about.
I used to date a woman
who was a vegan,
so I had to fuck her with my
dick substitute and, uh...
'Member when meeting
a vegan was weird?
Remember when there was like
a strange thing, like,
"Oh, what is --
what is that?"
Like, you probably met your
first vegan in the '90s.
You had like a dinner party
and somebody brought a vegan
and they said,
"Just so you know, I'm vegan,"
and you're like, "I'm sorry,
you're a vegetarian?"
And they're like, "Heh, no."
All right, what is the thing?
And they tell all the...
Huh?
Okay. Uh-huh.
Yeah, I have no food for you.
You can eat a napkin
and shit paper, I don't care.
But then you met
another vegan and you're like,
"Okay," and then -- and now
they're everywhere,
now who cares?
There's several vegans
and restaurants and whatever.
It's kind of
like gay people
sort of a similar trajectory
of growth
and acceptance in
the culture.
You know? Gay people and vegans
have a lot in common --
like, they both have to tell
their families at Thanksgiving.
That's when they have
to tell them.
And Dad gets angry.
"Your mother worked all night
cooking that turkey,
and you're telling me
you're a fucking faggot?!"
You know, it's drama.
But those are the old days,
things are better now.
I think it's pretty amazing
when you think about it.
People used to say
that being gay was wrong.
Pretty recently,
folks used to --
like, most people used to say
that being gay was wrong,
'course it's not wrong
to be gay.
I mean, it's pretty gay
but it's not wrong,
but that's what people
used to say.
And now nobody says that.
And I think
that's a positive change.
I think that's a good thing,
although I do wonder
if there are gay people
who miss when it was wrong.
Maybe there's a few
who miss when it was --
'cause wasn't it
a little more fun,
when it was like,
"This is fucking crazy."
Didn't that...
Didn't give it a little zhuzh.
A little...
I could lose my job.
Aw, fuck...
Because...
Now they're like
everybody else, which is great.
And they can get married.
That's terrific.
But is that fun to fuck
your husband at your house?
Wasn't it more fun to be
in an old nightclub
at 4:00 in the morning, like,
"I'm breaking
my mother's heart.
Oh, yeah."
I don't know, I don't even mean
just gay people,
just some people like
when sex is a little fucked up.
You know?
"Some people!"
Some people like when sex is
a little fucked up.
[ Chuckles ]
All right.
[ Laughs ]
No...
All right now, you want to talk
about this?
Should we talk about it?
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah, all right, all right.
I don't mind -- I don't mind
talking about it.
Okay. Um...
[ Laughs ]
Here's what --
I'll give you some advice.
Here's some advice
that really only I can give you.
Here's my advice:
if you ever ask somebody,
"Can I jerk off
in front of you?"
[ Scattered laughter ]
Let me finish. I mean --
[ Laughter and applause ]
I mean...
Let me finish what I'm saying!
Ah...
Ah, fuck. Okay.
If you've ever
ask somebody,
"May I jerk off
in front of you,"
and they say yes,
just say, "Are you sure?"
That's the first part.
And then if they say yes,
just don't fucking do it.
Just -- just don't do it.
'Cause, look,
whatever you're into, okay?
'Cause everybody's
got their thing.
Whatever your thing is,
I don't know.
You all have your thing.
I don't know what your thing is.
You're so fucking lucky that I
don't know what you're thing is.
Do you understand how lucky
you are
that people
don't know your fucking thing?
'Cause everybody knows
my thing.
Everybody knows
my fucking thing now.
Obama knows my thing.
Do you understand
how that feels?
To know that Obama was like,
"Good lord!"
Everybody in the world
knows my thing.
I got on an airplane in Italy,
this little kid was like,
"Mama, that's the guy who jerk
off in front of the people!"
So whatever your thing is,
I don't know what it is,
maybe you can't cum unless
you have
your father on speaker phone,
whatever it is.
If you want to do it with
somebody else,
you need to ask first,
but if they say yes,
you still don't get to just go,
"Whoo!"
And charge ahead --
gotta check in often.
I guess that's what I would say.
Check in, because it's not
always clear how people feel.
Like, men are taught to make
sure the woman is okay.
But the thing is,
women know how to seem okay
when they're not okay.
So you can't just look
at her face be like,
"Yeah, her eyes are dry.
We're fine.
We'll just keep going" --
You gotta check in.
'Cause sex -- communication,
during sex
can be very confusing,
like, sometimes,
you're with a woman,
you're having sex,
she's making noises,
she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh."
And you're like,
"Oh, she loves it."
Not necessarily.
Sometimes they're making
those noises
just to get through it,
because it's easier
to go, "Ooh,"
than to say,
"I hate how you fuck me.
Honestly, it's awful."
So she goes, "Ooh, baby!"
It's kind of like
a Negro spiritual,
it's sort of similar.
So to assume that she likes
it is like
if they heard slaves singing
in the fields, and they're like,
"Hey, you're having
a great time out there!"
[ Laughter ]
As far as my thing --
I dunno what the fuck...
People are like, "Why do you
want to do it anyway?"
Okay, oh, no.
I like jerking off,
I don't like being alone.
That's all I can tell you.
I -- I get lonely!
"Where is everyone?"
It's just sad.
I like company.
I like to share.
I'm good at it, too.
If you're good at juggling,
you wouldn't do it alone
in the dark.
You would gather folks
and amaze them.
[ Laughter ]
Anyway, that's all I'm going to
say about that shit.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
Well...
[ Chuckles ]
Let me ask you a question.
You ever wonder
how many people
ever fucked your mom?
We're almost done.
You're doing great.
This is important to me.
You ever look at your mom
and go, like,
"Mom, how many dicks?
Just how many?"
I lost my mom.
So those are the things
I don't know.
So I'm curious.
I don't feel like a lot of dudes
fucked my mom.
Not 'cause she's, like, pure,
because, like, I don't think so.
But I hope it was
as many as she wanted.
That's what I hope --
I hope she got all the dicks
she ever dreamed of
because I loved her.
I hope at the end,
my mom was like,
"That with plenty of dicks.
Whew-hoo!"
But I'll never know --
because you don't know your mom.
That's the truth -- you don't
really know your mother.
You feel like you know her,
but you know what she told you.
She didn't tell you shit.
You don't tell
your kids your life.
What did your mother tell you?
"I won a swimming medal
when I was 12."
She didn't tell you, like,
"I used to fuck this guy at
work, it was amazing."
She didn't tell you that.
Think about your mom's life
story as she told it to you.
There's huge holes
in that story.
"Well, I graduated when I was 22
and then I met your father
when I was 35."
"Feels like a lot of dicks would
fit right in there, Mom."
You know those movies
where you're --
where a mother and a daughter
switch bodies.
You ever seen a movie like --
it's always like,
"Freaky Friday," some Disney
comedy where a mother
and a daughter switch bodies
and then they're like, "Whoa!"
Then they have to water ski
and be in a rock band together.
And then they switch back
and they know each other better.
That's the formula
I think they should make it
another one of those movies.
But it should be
about a mother
who switches bodies
with her son.
But it's not a comedy,
it's a drama --
like a medical affliction.
They're upset the whole time.
She's in the bathroom
in the morning,
"I'm holding my son's penis.
It's confusing."
And her son is in
her body, he's like,
"I don't want to be
my mommy anymore.
I don't like how it feels."
And his dad comes home
and he starts fucking 'im.
"Oh, God!
What's happening now?
I don't like this,
but I don't want to say no
to my dad."
And then
at the end of the movie,
they never switch back.
[ Laughter ]
You guys were great, thank you
very much for coming tonight.
It was a pleasure talking
to you.
Get home safe.
Thank you very, very much.
Goodnight.
[ Cheering and applause ]